The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #97: Chad on Mushrooms, Derrick on Trial

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

Chad on Mushrooms, Derrick on Trial.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. ThanksRecorded Sep. 08, 2015  in the new studio Funhouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Derrick Barger, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -ARNOLD'S BEACH BAR, HONOLULU, HI -http://www.arnoldswaikiki.com/UK MERCHhttp://bit.ly/1KQLuVBClosing Song, "Love Rollercoaster" performed by The Ohio Players, composed by Beck, Bonner, Jones, Middlebrooks, Pierce, Satchell, and Williams. Originally featured on their 1975 album Honey. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

here we go this will be fun you feel it already in my mind oh can you take some mushrooms yeah just a couple can we start with something else besides me yeah

yeah I am are we starting we started the new Are we starting? We started. We'll make fun of you. We'll make fun of you. The new, it's, I don't know. Well, I know a sense in saying it's the Doug Stano podcast. We can just be talking. I say that sometimes just to get myself started.

Just like, hey, how's everyone doing? Actually, it helps me because I edit a bunch of podcasts. I can tell which one it is. That's stupid. Sorry, I'll cut that out. No, you won't. I won't. No, you won't.

The new studio, again, if you listen to the last podcast, you know that we're still here in our same seats with different people. Except Chad Shank is here still. Greg Chaley. And Derek, what did we refer to him as? I don't know. Or Bisbee Romeo? My man servant, my housekeeper. Your man Friday.

Your man Friday. That was a good one. All right. When you look at it, it's got a fucking bug on it. It's not a mosquito, so it's all right. It's fine. Since there's not a sink in the new bar, I thought you should have a dumb waiter,

but then I remembered you had a retarded waiter. So much for not starting on Derek. Oh, sorry, Derek. If you recall from a previous podcast Derek went on an adventure with a lady that came by and stayed here in Bisbee when I was

fucking Japan or one of those yeah oh I had a couple people by the way thank you a couple people have sent me a tweet and an email stopping by Arnold's Tiki Bar in Honolulu. Yeah. And I said, my bartender work in dawn?

And she just left before we got here. But yeah, thanks for supporting really cool bars. And everyone was very happy with their experience. I am sitting in the new studio we got a bunch of stools obviously multi-colored bright colors and they're the hydraulic kind on the metal post that you can hit the toggle switch and go up or down and i know these are really fucking cool and then i realize a lot of people that come to football are heavy set people. And so neighbor Dave, the heaviest of all, I would assume.

I would think so. Yeah, he came over after the show in Bisbee with the JT and Mishka show. JT and Mishka show. And Derek is doing all the things Derek does because Meatwig is outside crying. And Derek's a guest now, so there's no one to do the Derek job. So, yeah, we gave the stools the neighbor Dave test, and it went right down to it. Compressed it. Yeah, so we have some wooden stools, but they're already too short for the bar, so he's like a kid at the kid's table at Thanksgiving.

And like, all right, if this is a heavy set gal, it's going to be a problem if she shrinks down in the hydraulic stools. So we're doing some refurbishing. So do we need uh more hydraulics i don't know well maybe we put the recliners back in maybe that's the i don't know and we found out the red uh chairs are more sturdy than the orange okay so fatties get the red chairs that's that's chad's term if uh well yeah neighbor neighbor dave had a neighbor dave chair first of all he was the first guy that i actually watched football with every sunday when i didn't really know anyone in town

but he was right next door yeah and yeah we'd watch football together so when i i did one uk tour and i just came back and said fuck it i bought this overpriced group of four lazy boy recliners in a row like movie seating because that is just me and his wife evelyn evilly and me and bingo and i said that's you know no matter who comes over that's always your chair a because yes i you're my first football buddy and b i don't want you destroying my other furniture because a lot of this stuff is built for fat people. You know, this is a whole fat shaming thing going on. Evidently some girl that calls herself a comedian.

I just saw that today. Oh, I saw that too. Yeah. Well, and you have 45,000 followers on Twitter and it, there's only two comics that I follow that follow you and one of them's Matt

Kirsch who's just fucks anything that looks like a porn star. Yeah. I don't know. She evidently had some video up on YouTube. She has a video blog where she puts up a lot of things.

She's a vlogger. Which is exactly as cunty as it sounds. video blog where she puts up a lot of things. She's a vlogger. Vlogger. Which is exactly as cunty as it sounds. Yeah. It's nothing to do with stand-up comedy. Oh, fuck. I didn't disagree with the shit she said about fat people. It's just that I wanted to fucking murder her the whole time she was saying it. I didn't see it.

Yeah, don't see it. I heard that this woman, it was like cnn.com which i don't fucking yeah don't go to that yeah uh shut the fuck up meatwig i'll bury you with trousers mrs trousers i know you guys don't believe in that shit but i'm telling you that's what it is they don't they don't they do my dogs still look at me funny after I killed my other dog. I'm telling you, they know shit. Oh, I don't doubt that they know shit. I'm saying that they didn't hang out in real life.

You didn't wake up and those two cats were curled up in a little bundle together. All Meatwig did was torture that cat and beat it up and try to take it to sea. He could still mourn. Yeah, because you have no one to beat up. That's why I call customer service. What was I talking about? The chick doing the video logs. Oh, yeah.

They shut down her YouTube account, and I'm glad I don't remember her name because she is irrelevant. Everything I've heard sticking up for her or putting her down for... She did a video saying fat people, it's your own fault and you're a bad example and you're

killing yourself, you fat fucks in her vlog. Her comedy vlog. I saw clips of it. The only way I could find it was on these other douchebags, and this makes me very mad, is when you get on one of those YouTube junkets, cop beatings, fist fights,

but then people have their own news channel. So you find the link to you know a woman uh you know gets run over by a train and shits her pants and you go i want to see that but it's some dude talking about it like he's a newscaster and somewhere in the eight minutes is a snippet of the video you wanted to see hi i'm matt mc McGonigal, and I am here today. We're going to talk about... Shut the fuck up and get to the clip. That's the only way I can find clips of her thing,

because they shut down her YouTube channel. That's crazy. That's crazy. She was an idiot, but they shouldn't shut down her YouTube channel. Yeah, for being unfunny and bothering someone? Right. Even on her own Twitter. She's annoying as fuck but i mean that's not i don't know she didn't violate

any sort of i don't know uh on her own twitter she said okay it was a great tweet that's uh the first thing i saw was we broke the internet with comedy uh hashtag censorship or something. But shut the fuck up! Sorry. So catchphrase from the show. Some friends of ours are outside doing mushrooms. Some of us are inside doing mushrooms. Not my story to tell. Oh, I don't care.

I only ate a couple cats. They shut down her YouTube channel completely, and she tweeted something to the effect of, hey, they have fucking murder videos. Don't say her name. She's not worth. I just found her. It took a while to find her.

Oh, Red Band. Red Band was the other guy that found her. It took a while to find her. Oh, Red Band. Red Band was the other guy that followed her. Really? A fucking L.A. blonde with big fake tits hanging out, spilling out everywhere. Not one ass shot anywhere. I couldn't find an ass shot. It was all waist up. Oh, yeah.

You see, there's something about they show fucking murder and all this stuff on youtube but i got my account closed for saying you know fat people have a responsibility i hate that somebody makes me disagree with that cunt or makes me agree with her i'm sorry yeah but that's what you have to do that's what the aclu has to do that's what you have to do. That's what the ACLU has to do. That's what you have to do. But then again, it's a private company. If it goes against the terms of service, but what are the terms of service? Completely arbitrary. And you're fucked.

But go put it on LiveLeak. That's what I was going to say. Quit looking at YouTube. You turned me on to that. It was the reporter that got shot by the ex-reporter. I was up early in the morning and actually caught that on Twitter. I found his Twitter account before they deleted it. Oh, the dude who did the shooting. Yeah, where he said, I filmed the shooting,

and he talked about how she was a racist and made racist comments like i found his twitter account before they deleted it it was fucking that was that was first person it really upped the standard of news in my opinion like because if i read news articles a lot of times there's like some hooligans beat a man and stole his chain and then there's a surveillance video where i get to watch the hooligans beat a man and stole his chain. And then there's a surveillance video where I get to watch the hooligans beat the man and steal his chain. But then when there's an article and it's just telling me about it, I'm like, I don't really care because there's not a video accompanying it. But now this guy really upped it. This is breaking news.

Yeah, I filmed myself shooting people. I think more people are going to do that now. That's a grim prediction. Sorry. I went off on a tangent. It's the mushrooms. Truth be told, you thought that before you saw the video clip. Well, I thought I tamed it down a lot.

I was going to say that I hoped people did that more, but I said that I think people because I thought that'd be more tame, but you revealed me as a fucking idiot. Speaking of fucking idiots, Derek takes a ball busting so well, and that's why he's still around.

Why he came back, because last we left you, listeners, Derek hooked up with a girl of dubious moral structure. Yeah. A stray, if you will, that got across the compound wall. I enjoyed her company from a distance. Not really good hungover company. Very alive, vibrant, like to say a lot of words at 9 o'clock in the morning while she's cracking her first beer.

But she fucked Derek, and that's kind of Mother Teresa-like, in that she fucked Derek. And then the next thing I know derrick is saying can you help me buy a plane ticket to dallas i'm going off with my friends and you go you don't have any friends roller coasters roller coasters oh yeah he's gonna ride roller coasters and then i put two and two together well that girl that had stopped through Bisbee for a couple days and fucked him. Oh, yes. Didn't she say she was on her

way towards Texas? Yeah. So we figured that out. That was August 17th he left here. Today is September 8th, roughly. And Derek called about a week ago. Can you help me get a plane ticket back?

Because on the way out, I go, what day are you coming back? He goes, it's just one way. And so then. Very cryptic and then three weeks later he needs a one way ticket to come home I guess I assumed he thought she was

going to come back with him and live in his mother's basement over there at Betty's house this is a hell of an introduction I just keep watching Derek's shoulders slump more and more all right take us through this derrick and then we'll just pile on at when you have gaps in your story i wasn't sure how many details you wanted all of them what was this how did this start because i never asked you i put it together who you're going to see. I only fucked with you on the podcast

while you destroyed a bike. And... That still makes me laugh. Hennigan's doing okay, by the way, with his fractured elbow. Yeah, he's fine. So how... You kept in touch with her, obviously, after you pooned her. Yeah, and...

And burned the sheets. Well, I've been talking about riding roller coasters for about six months just because when i was in la we drove past some and i was like well i haven't rode a roller coaster in a long time and i have a lot of free time so i thought that might be a good idea and uh so when i when brie was here she uh said if she caught up with some roller coasters she'd give me a call and let me know we could ride roller coasters together. So she called and said, hey, come to Dallas.

Yeah, and... You didn't call her, she called you. Well, we've been texting back and forth since she left. Alright. And you know, I want to get out of the compound as often as I can and escape, so I took the opportunity.

It's good to spread your wings. Derek's been taking a lot of trips. He went out camping and shit this summer and off with Stalker Deb, the neighbor stalker. Well, she said that if she had a chance, she would get me to St. Louis, which, you know. Great America. I want to visit my folks back there as often as I can.

Oh, that's not roller coasters? Well, I was trying to get to Six Flags over St. Louis, too, but I didn't make it. But yeah, I wanted to ride roller coasters again and see my... So she said, meet me in Dallas? Yeah. And you flew me down there and... Don't look.

I told Derek to write down notes because Derek has the memory of a guy who smokes pot like I smoke cigarettes. He's a two packs a day pot guy. If you don't remember what happened afterwards, you can refer to your notes, But you're just staring at your notes like it's a teleprompter. Just look at Doug or me. But Doug and Chad, we're still buying the roller coaster thing, right? I mean, I'm still buying it 100%. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Well, no, I can see Derek having nothing to say to a girl going, I like roller coasters. And she just glommed onto that. But we all know, like adults, we know that this was just the open doorway that you stuck your foot in. And you're not pulling your foot out. You're going through that door. The thing is, Derek is not really dumb.

So you don't know if he's smarter than he is and he's playing dumb or just occasionally he memorized facts. Like when I would read books, I'm like, alright, if I memorize this, I can sound smarter. I don't know if Derek's dumb and playing pretending to be smart

and fighting his dumbness or if he's secretly smart and uses the dumb facade. That's a win. Today, if we're watching some movie. I would usually say the latter is true, but listening to him right now, your impression sounds spot on. I never thought your impression was good,

but right now I'm like, oh, yeah, that's Derek. I don't know if we've gone over this in detail, but Derek was in a horrific near uh near death he was dead car accident what 10 years ago 15 years ago 96 96 and was clinically dead and went through years of therapy and surgeries just legitimately disabled yeah so you go i i met him after the fact so i don't know if he was some bright guy before this. But he tells you all sorts of stories, and they all vacillate. He's like, I'm just dumb.

And then I'll go, I used to be in the stock market. I don't know what's true. I don't care. He's a good, trustworthy, good-hearted man. It's like the Fargo series. Like, this is a true story, but I don't really remember what happened, so I'm just going by what I heard. And I was there, but I don't really know what happened. Well, we're not going back over the accident.

I'm just... No, I mean life in general. Derek is definitely one of the first people that I met and trust like I bonded with when I first came here, for sure. Yeah. Sweetheart for sure. Yeah. Sweetheart. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't know if, like today, we're watching this movie, some movie, and something else came up. I don't even know. But you said to JT and the other guy, Yeah, well, it seems so ripped off from Stanley Kubrick. Melancholia. It was something else. I don't know what that is.

That's the name of the movie. Who's the dummy now? The point is, you can't even remember a movie you saw today? No, it stemmed from the movie we were watching about some other thing, and then he was saying that it was not indicative of Kubrick. Somebody agreed with me. And you have to fight the urge to go, wait, he's right. Yeah.

Because if somebody confirms what I say, that means I'm right probably. Exactly. It perplexes your brain completely. The fact that you would even know who Stanley Kubrick is or know his influences on another piece of film. That's out of left field. Especially, this is the worst, because Derek uses Netflix when I'm on the road

and he's taking care of the house. And then you see, this is recommended for you because you watched, I didn't watch that. He watches like fucking Doctor Who marathons and just the dumbest shit in the world. What else do you? My name was Battlestar Galactica. Oh, that's good. The 05 version is really good.

I recommend it. Battlestar Galactica? Yeah, there wasn't really an episode. I was like, oh, that was a waste of time. Someone who watches fucking Doctor Who. Well, I guess maybe they know Stanley Kubrick. Wait, which version of Doctor Who? 2005, you just said.

I watched the old stuff. No, I thought that was Battlestar Galactica. Are we going to need show notes for this? There's Galactica 1980. He just sits and pontificates about the stars and astronomy, and he knows all this stuff, but then he plays completely dumb when you can't find the fucking remotes. I get confused.

I get confused. Shit. That's fine. It's atmospheric, but I've been enjoying a lot of these margaritas. Yeah, I'm going to go make a cocktail. I just realized I'm out, so we're going to let Derek continue. No, let's take a break. And we'll get back to Derek's

big adventure. I think we got derailed for a minute there. And I say, this is one of those times, you say a sleazy whore in the best possible way. Like, the kind of girl that you would want to hook up with

after a bad breakup, and this is just a full-blown, drunken, tattooed, fucked life and positive attitude and fucking, let's just get in the car and drive to Vegas, whore. Yeah, absolutely. Cheat on your old lady kind of fucking woman. Exactly. I'm going to bust your

fucking balls. I'm going to take you out. I'm going to get your dick pierced and man you up. I'm going to fuck your herpes raw. You might be overshadowing some of Derek's stories. Rollercoaster. Rollercoasters, people. All right, we'll be back with rollercoasters after this cocktail.

That's not a euphemism. Hey, UK merch is on sale. Where? In the UK? No, just on the website. Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK. But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. Oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too?

We got posters. We have t-shirts. We have everything you need to go out in public naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top and go to the UK and Europe. The dates are at DougStanhope.com. We're doing England, Scotland, Ireland, Denmark, Iceland, Amsterdam, Norway. I think we're even doing Sweden.

Go to DougStanhope.com. But for the five weeks that I'm gone, there's no way I'm going to try to pack fucking podcasting equipment and trust Brian the Filthy Uncut Scotsman to do it. He can't be Chaley. He will never be Chaley.

So my thought was to have Chad Shank fill in for me for five weeks and be my guest host of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Well, that's up to you, the listeners. If you'd like him to do that, tweet him at HDFatty, at HD as in Harley Davidson, Fatty, F-A-T-T-Y. And if more people want him to do this and he gets more tweets,

it will affect his ego and make him smile more when he's trying to not kill people at home. All-star podcast since you guys have bought those fucking football helmets or are buying those to pay for this. Coming soon, Andy Andrist and Christine Levine. Click. this coming soon andy andrist and christine levine click and now chad shank with the police beat thank you doug get right into it a woman threw a chocolate shake at the vehicle might This might not be acceptable for all listeners. If you have young children, please get them out of the room because the police beat can get very graphic.

I apologize. I should have stated that. So it's clean? No. Okay. I want you to keep that part in. Leave it all shitty. A woman threw a chocolate shake at the vehicle of the person reporting from A Street.

A Street, you know, they tried a gentrification project through the Gentrify Bisbee initiative. They always got to make it about race. I have one of those wallets. Hey, chocolate shakes matter. Oh my goodness. I hear cackles from the background, and you know what? Greg Chaley,

as one person drinking Negronis to another, I will say those laughs are not induced by alcohol. No. That is the laughter of someone teeming in a disease and teeming is t-e-e-m-i-n-g a disease of hallucinogens and why this doesn't make the

police beat i'll never know but don't let me hypothesize let's get back to what's going on in the main streets of bisbee thank you doug don't ever let anybody tell you that your reporter is also on hallucinogens i have never seen your teeth before now because you can't get the smile off your fucking face. I told you. I told you that's why I liked them. All right. Let me try this. It's hard to read through a grin. Hey. A caller from Bisbee Road reported finding a newborn kitten that was left by its mother, from Bisbee Road,

reported finding a newborn kitten that was left by its mother, but called back later to say that her boss was going to bottle feed the kitten and keep it. Wow, that reminds me of trousers. Trousers. Ah, trousers. I was... I was going to say that it was dumb.

What else do you have out there, Chad, in the field? A call came in about barking dogs on Brewery Avenue. However, it was the owner of the dogs that called, stating her neighbors were yelling at her about the noise. Chad Shank, the work that you do out there in the field, I imagine every time you hear about a journalist killed in action in all of the hot spots around the world, ISIS town, Syria, wherever ISIS is. You said ISIS town?

ISIS town. They renamed it. You ever heard of St. Petersburg? No, I just want to look it up on a map. I've done a lot of coverage in ISIS town. The point is, we appreciate you facing this danger. Thank you, Doug. What else do you have to report?

We appreciate you facing this danger. Thank you, Doug. What else do you have to report? A woman set her wallet on the windowsill at an office on High Road, and someone removed it. It contained her driver's license, cards, and $20 in cash. These things happen everywhere. This is not just Bisbee news. This is global news these things are happening right

outside your window and it's time you stop turning a blind eye to the truth go ahead chad what hold on i'm editorializing and i i feel have every i didn't at what point do you stop being a journalist and a news broadcaster and start being a human being? I didn't feel strongly on the subject until you spoke up. I appreciate it. Thank you. But who hasn't had a hot wallet that you need to set on a cell like a cooling top? Like a cherry pie cooling. And then all of a sudden, you come back and it's gone.

Ladies and gentlemen in the listening audience, I know you're thinking Dennis the Menace, but we can't say that Dennis the Menace is to blame for the hot purse. Well, he's in jail right now. He's currently incarcerated. Listen, that $20 was an afternoon of somebody's methamphetamine that they're never going to get.

Absolutely. And that's sad. What else do we have from the field? Please try to control your emotions because a lot of this has left everyone in the studio a little speechless. And giggly. Fucking retarded.

This is on the outskirts of Bisbee. A McNeil mother believes her adult son has a mental issue. He's been destroying his trailer. That's it. Not everything else. Let's take a minute because these are the kind of stories that make you reflect on

your own retards and wish that maybe you could have helped them more before they started destroying the trailer that you left for them. It makes you wonder how much he destroyed before he started on the trailer. Because his mother's not going to call him for destroying his own trailer. He destroyed some of her shit.

Yeah. It spilled over into her life, so it becomes a thing. He broke her fence or something. I think everyone's starting to miss the fact that we're trying to encourage retards to not destroy trailers. Who is to blame? All right, I'm sorry. This is a pro retard don't destroy podcast retards destroy trailers i know it's an epidemic did this whole time breaking news

i thought retards trailers are we reaching a boiling point? Back after this. Hi, I'm that guy from Cinegenics. Every time you click on Newser, I'm the guy from Cinegenics. It shows you how good a shape I'm in at 74 years old. Leaning against my motorbike with my fucking

man tits, nipples pointed down like a mother cat. Withered, hangy man nipples, as though goats are going to come and feed off of them yet again, that's right, I think that I'm a good poster boy for some testosterone FDA unapproved bullshit to make you fuckable? Hey, how about edit out your head? Did you do it? What does centigenics do for your head? You look like Abe Vigoda with a well-tanned, fake-tanned, oiled chest featuring cat pits.

Stray cat pits. You have leaking nipples as you flex up. And now, back to the police beat with Chad Sheldon. And finally... Okay. Sorry.

And finally, a caller from Fort Huachuca Lane advised that APS and the city of Bisbee. Go ahead. I'm going to start over. I'm sorry. That was someone yelling Baba Booey into the microphone. I feel honored to have been Baba Booey.

A caller from Fort Huachuca Lane advised that APS and the city of Bisbee had been working in his area and using spray paint. He stated that someone spray painted his dog with red paint. He approached a city of Bisbee

worker and asked if he knew who may have done this. And the worker said if it was red, it was APS. More troubling gang related news. Like city more troubling gang related news like city supported gang related news they're tagging dogs Doug it's gone

too far let's try to leave on a positive note because well I guess we just can't that was Chad Shank with the police because, well, I guess we just can't. That was Chad Shank with the Police Beat. We'll be back with more at the top of the hour.

Until then, stay tuned with more of the Doug Stanhope podcast. News and weather at the nines. All right, let's get back to Derek. Back to roller coasters. So you mentioned roller coasters to the girl. And she says, okay, fly out to Dallas. We'll go to Six Flags. Obviously, you thought she was going to drive you home because you sent one-way ticket.

We were just going to wing it from there. She said she might get me back to St. Louis. And I figured if nothing else, I could take a Greyhound back to St. Louis and I figured if nothing else I could take a greyhound up to St. Louis and and I get a plane from there or a greyhound from there or a train or you know and then when I realized it was football season when when you I talked to you and you said it was football season starting soon and I completely forgot about the remodel and football and all that while I was jumping in water and having fun. All right. Well,

first of all, you fly out there to meet her. She's flying out too. You're going to meet in Dallas. We figured this out after the fact, because someone's on her Facebook page while we're drinking and says, Oh shit. Derek's supposed to be meeting her at DFW.

And she just said she got chucked off a plane I think it was 86th from Southwest yeah fuck Spirit Airlines I'm only flying Southwest Spirit Airlines if you're on Spirit Airlines you're a fugitive probably that's what the government was willing no Spirit was where she ended up oh okay spirit is a default yeah she knew they'd take her don't take anyone yeah uh spirit airlines that's the one that charged you for overhead we welcome 86 carry-on bags we welcome 86 flyers yeah that's a small campaign this yeah so uh so yeah you had to sit in the airport for God knows how long, which was funny because Derek had just been talking about, I love Dallas-Fort Worth.

I love sitting around and hanging around in airports. I'm like, well, now it's happening. I was being ironic. I spent a couple of days in DFW, and I was trapped there for a while. Yeah, like Tom Hanks. Yeah, DFW tries it wasn't it was I was trapped there for a while yeah like oh yeah DFW tries to keep me it kidnaps me every time I end up in a layover or something at DFW I end up staying there for so long finally shows up how how late was she it was a little after 3 a.m. how fucked up was she really fucked up really fucked up so she didn't remember where her car was or what airport she was landing at or awesome she had a car there though no she her car was at love

field and she was supposed to fly in and love field and on that southwest flight but the other dallas airport the spirit took her into dfw and so she landed at dfw So you get a cab to her car. No, we took a cab to a hotel. Wait, that's a far way from one airport to the other. I've driven that before. That's not quick. Yeah, no, no. Well, airports are not normally side by side.

That's what I'm saying. That's an expensive cab ride, right? Yeah, that was the most expensive on the trip. We went straight to a hotel. A lot of cabin? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, when we were drunk. Like when we lost the car in Austin, we took a cab.

Wait, hang on. You're getting ahead of yourself. So what happens initially? Do you go to a roller coaster? We went to a hotel near the airport and saw the Shining Twins at that hotel and rode roller coasters and decided we would go camping and head south towards the bottom part of Texas. Do you mean sleep in our car? No.

Did you sleep in a car? Did they actually have camping equipment? Yeah, she had a tent. Answer the question. She had a tent and an air mattress that always went really low about 5 o'clock in the morning. Yo, I thought you were saying because I was fucking her, but no, it actually ran out of fucking. Because when she was here, she came to Bisbee. I was wherever, and she was camping here.

She said, oh, my friend has a property in Bisbee. I'm going to stay there. And then the next email was, yeah, I've been camping on my friend's property. She didn't have a house. The friend didn't have a house. He had land. So, yeah, she did have a tent now that I look back. So you stayed in a tent for how long with your new love?

We stayed in tents when the weather was nice, and then we just stayed in hotels when it was way too hot to camp and just swam in swimming pools of hotels and lakes or reservoirs when we were on the road. And you're getting along famously? Yeah, we had a good time making fun of the locals or the other tourists that we saw. And, you know, the occasional turtle,

we had to help out of the road. All right. Yeah, it was just taking it easy. South from there? South all the way down towards Brownsville. Why did you go towards Brownsville? Because that's like... Which way is that?

Is that east? All the way in the bottom. That's the south Texas border. That's some scary fucking country. towards Brownsville, because that's like... Which way is that? Is that east? All the way in the bottom. That's the south Texas border. That's some scary fucking country. We were just covering most of the state on farm roads, and trying to find water to swim in and places to stay that were cheaper and stay in the ghetto.

Were you being removed from the place you were already swimming in? That you had to keep going to different places to swim? It sounds like they're on the lam. I bet there's good swimming holes down in Brownsville. It sounds like Derek getting duped into a drug-muling situation. Oh, yeah, fly out to Dallas. We're going to hit that major drug-crossing border town.

I'll be gone for a few hours. Why don't you swim in the lake? Or the pool. Or the pool. No, I think the lake would be better for you, Derek. What's that movie where that guy ended up, they found him like 100 yards from the road in Alaska. He was dead.

Into the wild. Yeah, it just sounds like a retarded version of Into the Wild. With a whore at the reins. Whoa, it's fucking here. I think Little Rascals did an episode at the Brownsville swimming pool.

It was called Leeches. She had some story about the purpose of her road trip was it photography yeah she's driving around taking pictures all right and she thought go to brownsville was it every day with a newspaper in front of the date in front of a bank let him answer the question your Your Honor! Nobody ever wrote the book Brownsville Selfies before.

It's a rent-a-home coffee table book. Black lacquer with gold trim. We were just on farm roads, and if you say, hey, we're going to go across the bottom of Texas on on farm roads, and if you say, hey, we're going to go across the bottom of Texas on a farm road, it ends up being a little bit more of a windy.

Well, the roads are straight, but you end up turning on several different highways. So you were driving with no purpose. Yeah, like, hey, 250 miles that direction, and we'll see what's there. Pick up a road atlas or whatever and just make a plan. Yeah. Let's do that. It looks like there's water down here. Let's head that way.

Good. That was it. Did you just run into random people that just hang out with them, or was there just a... I mean, there's other people at these places, isn't there? The campgrounds had bars at them and they were just locals or tourists. Were you going out at all?

We hit every Chili's on the way and got a shot of Jaeger and observed the local... Were you doing most of the driving, I assume? I did some. I did less than half. I'm pretty sure you were doing most of the thinking.

I wasn't thinking with my head. Well, sure. But who came up with the chilies and Jager? She likes getting a shot of Jager every once in a while. And there's a lot of chilies, so...

You know, there's the chilies. Let's get let's get some how long are you just driving randomly before you what you stayed in austin for a while we went actually we didn't go directly there we left dallas and and uh headed down the southwest side of the bottom of texas and went around and came back up to Austin and got to hang out for a couple days with Lulu. Lulu Monkey is a good friend of ours. Chris Cassels, who I love.

And we didn't get to spend enough time there. The crickets wanted to say something after you just said Chris Cassels. We didn't get to spend a lot of time in Austin because by that time we were ready to get the fuck out of Texas I think Everybody Good thing you're only in the middle of it

If you don't identify with the farm roads in Texas You're probably just going to want to leave But we got to You had Basically a one weekend Stand with this girl You start texting You fly out on a one weekend stand with this girl. You start texting, you fly out on a one-way ticket, and now you have no idea when you're ever getting back.

You're just driving around carefree. Footloose and fancy. Did you ever get worried that maybe this girl is sketchy? Well, no, because my brother, if I said I'm in Oklahoma and this girl just left me on the side of the road, he would drive down there and get me and put me on a bus. I'm not scared of the road. I know.

That's not what Doug's asking. But you're not. You used to drive around all over the country, but on your own terms. Now you're in someone else's vehicle. Did it ever get weird? No. She's really familiar with the road, being in the car with somebody.

A farm road. Well, she can read a map and I can read a map, so between that and GPS, we can get pretty much anywhere. All right. So you go, you stay in Austin for how long? Just a couple of days. By the time we were hot and tired of Texas and there was not much swimming around,

Chris offered to take us somewhere, but we were just ready to leave Texas. No free pools? Is that what you're saying? Well, there was a spring right by his house, but we were just ready to leave Texas. A spring? So much. Yeah, it was really weird. Writing down, like, there's so many people in Austin.

There's traffic. And he's like, we can walk to the spring. And we'll walk to a spring that's near all these interstates, Highway 35. That didn't trigger a red flag or anything? Well, no. I like castles. I don't know.

Was it an open fire hydrant? I'm trying to picture a spring right now. In Austin. Is this like an oasis? Like a crackhead leading Derek by the hand to an open fire hydrant is what I'm picturing right now. I would like to say when we were in that Kessel's place, we went to

his friend's house where he was like, you don't want to come to my house. And across the street was a deaf school and they were practicing football. And it was more interesting than anything I've ever seen on TV and it was completely riveting that the, I don't know what Chris said, if he didn't, if he lived

there, he wouldn't own a TV. I mean, it was just watching deaf people practice football to try it. Definitely. Yeah, the Patriots would have an easy time stealing those signals. You just go to Gallaudet and take a class. They just didn't talk to each other. It was really weird.

A bunch of teenagers standing around not communicating. So you move on. Where do you go? After Texas, how long were you in Texas? You're gone three weeks, roughly? Almost two weeks. So after Austin, where do you go?

We went up to Dallas to get weed. We met a guy in Dallas on the budget in parking lot to get weed. That's solid. Yeah, we called him back, and he wasn't answering his phone, surprisingly. And so we were sitting on the gas station parking lot, and some guy said, hey, you need some weed for your trip? We got weed. If I had a nickel.

If I had a nickel, dude. And then we camped in Oklahoma on the way to Missouri, kind of getting towards St. Louis because Bree had a flight out of Nashville. How long was it before she told you, oh, by the way, I have a flight and I'm dropping you off somewhere? She got called while we were in the middle of our trip and somebody said she had work in L.A.

Her agent? I'm not sure. It was a band, I think. They called and said, yeah, we have work in L.A. We need a groupie at the Greek Theater on the 14th. Are you available? I'm not. Remember me from last time?

He hears over the cell phones. Did I just hit a nerve? Do you want me to turn the music back up? Because I just heard that guy saying, remember me from last time? Are you still in L.A.? I have a boner that won't quit. So, okay, so you're getting driven to St. Louis. She has a flight to go back to do some work

that you can't really nail down what she does. When she was here, she was, I don't have any cash. I'm just living off credit cards. You know how it is. Yeah, not interested in getting what people do, even if you have something to do that's not around me,

I'm not going to ask you about it when you come back. Yeah, to be fair, that's kind of your demeanor all the time. I don't like people digging into me. You can if you're my friend and you really want to know. I'll tell you anything you want, but I don't sit there and talk about myself. We're doing it for you. We're talking about you for you. People believe every bit of it.

I know. That's the worst part. This is all true. The whole time you were with her in Texas when she finally got in on the Spirit flight and then you had to get the hotel and then find her car at Love Field, she doesn't live anywhere. She has a tent. She has an address in L.A.

You never saw a place where she lived. He said she has an address. That's what I mean. You can mail stuff to her. Yeah, I can get a P.O. box anywhere. I lived on the road for three years with no fixed address. I had a mailbox with a real address because it was like a mailboxes, et cetera, type of place.

So it's an address with an apartment number that's a small box. I definitely don't dig into that, trying to explain to a girl how I live at Betty's and mostly stay here. Like, where do you live? That's not weird, though, Derek. Well, yeah, no one asks you. Well, it's not part of the personal ad that you're going to write, I mean. Listen, I like the idea that you guys are bohemians cruising on the road. But as an adult, okay, didn't you at one point go like,

how come we're only looking for country roads, farm roads? Doesn't that strike? And then you're heading right to the border. No matter where you're going, this zigzag of fucking sinkholes. I don't know. You haven't been to my house. Yeah, you haven't been to my house. I live close enough to the border.

I'm just saying. What's so crazy about people wanting to swim down dirt roads? First of all, I'm with Derek on this. I'm not that concerned. When I lived in L.A., I would just drive the most empty roads of Nevada. I said I'm with him on this. I love the bohemian spirit. But at one point, did you like, we're going south a lot.

And we're heading towards... No, I don't. I mean, my house is on the fence. As long as I can't see the fence, I don't even feel like I'm near Mexico. Remember, he thought he was going to Missouri. Yeah, that's what you're talking about. Do I feel like... He didn't make it that far.

We don't know that yet. He's on his way to Missouri if we catch up with the story. By way of Brownsville. We used to drive around. Sure. Aspen, Texas, where you go through Marfa. Is it Aspen the next town? That's how I found Bisbee.

Marfa spook lights. It's the only way not to see the interstate. Something went swimming in all those places. Yeah, in the pool. Not in the fucking pond. Not in the sinkhole. So I'm curious if Derek really felt like this was going to be a relationship. Because since we met Derek back when we

he was visiting and in love with Lynn Shawcroft and he was this psychic he wants a relationship Derek really wants a relationship and we were I was desperately hoping he didn't think this was going to be it so get to you're going to Missouri

she gets a phone call she has to go fuck the newest member of the uh original blue oyster cult exactly the boy band menudo is in town and i have to be their uber driver we're not playing the hollywood bowl this. It's a little smaller. But get out here anyway. Wouldn't be the same without you. So what happens on the way to Missouri? From

Texas, we, you know, once you're in Dallas, it's really close to Oklahoma. So we stayed in one state park and then just rode straight through the St. Louis. So after she gets the phone call, oh, fuck, I have to leave, by the way. Get out at this rest stop. That was kind of early on that she got the phone call.

So she had time to book a plane, and she knew. That's when we kind of got our destination where she had to be in Nashville at a certain time. Because she had a gig. Yeah. Oh yeah, Nashville. What happened with that? Because you called me once and said, we're going to Nashville. Nashville? And then you started talking to me about all the Bibles.

See, that's not South. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? No, I said she's going to Nashville and I wasn't sure. Oh, that's where she was flying to. She wasn't flying back to LA? No, she's flying out of Nashville to L.A. What? Well, actually, Nashville, I guess you could. She has friends in Nashville.

She could leave her car at their house. But you're going to Missouri. Yeah. It only takes about five and a half hours to get to Nashville from where I was. All right. Yeah, silly me. Why would you point the car to Missouri? If the headlights are going north, why would you end up

going to Nashville? We definitely weren't worried about going the other way. I know, I'm worried about a lot. You do not sweat the details, my friend. I understand that. Yeah. Chaley makes me afraid to do a one-on-one podcast with him. How do you get from

Nashville? How does this work? You're heading towards St. Louis. She goes, by the way, I have to take a right at this exit and go five and a half hours to Nashville and fly out. She just dropped me off in St. Louis and

headed towards Nashville. Because you called me saying you were going to Nashville and you told me about all the stolen Bibles. Good job, by the way. I may have been pretty drunk. Thank you very much for that. Oh, no problem, man. If Doug ever goes on tour again, we might be able to unload them.

They're hard to get out of truck stop. What are those called? Convenience stores? No. The chapels, truck stop chapels. What the fuck? When you're taking a shower.

He was trying to steal Bibles. That's great. That fucking love is committed. You don't have to put everything in your ass just because you're stealing it, dude. Well, it's hard to, it's hard to walk out of a gas station with anything. I could so see myself

hooked up with that girl. Oh, yeah. 15, 20 years ago. I spent seven years with that girl. And that's why I give you so much shit. Because I wish

someone busted my balls. And it would never do anything. If I'm more like her and if some girl is saying, I spent seven years with that guy, what if that's the girl that... What did you just say? The reference is hard to say. As you blow out pot smoke.

You say you spent seven years with that girl. What if I'm the guy that some girl is saying, oh, I spent seven years with that girl. What if I'm the guy that some girl's saying, oh, I spent seven years with that guy. Yeah, that happens. And then I meet that girl that you would say that about. This is a fucking puzzle I can't solve. The point...

That's my life, dude. That's why I wake up confused and disoriented every day. So, she drops you off in St. Louis and disappears out of your life. Right. We talk. On the way to Nashville.

You cheat by text a lot. On the way to Nashville. Yeah. Okay. How long were you in St. Louis feeling dumped? Where you're from. Where you're from, right? Right, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. before you called and said can you help me out with a flight back to Tucson well the first day I I took that call as meaning

like when I first had to when I moved to Hollywood when I was 18 and had to leave with my tail between my legs because I wasn't going to be a fucking big star after five or six months. No, I just looked up the flights and they were like $350, $350.

I can afford that if I don't want to eat. Doug can afford this. That's fine. Well, I told him I'd trade him for Bibles. That's why I grabbed so many. That's why I was so determined because I said I would trade him for Bibles. That's why I grabbed so many. That's why I was so determined, because I said I would trade him for Bibles, and I'm going to grab every one I can. We're in the black on that one.

Good job. Don't worry. You're good. No, you're not James Inman flying here for the Super Bowl on a one-way ticket thinking you're going to sell fucking Vicodin to make your way home. I had to check my bag because I couldn't carry it anymore. It was so full of Bibles. Good job. You did good.

I grabbed every one I saw. How come she didn't grab any Bibles? She went to the Gideon's headquarters. Including the piece de resistance. That's even an eBay steal because his brother, he's telling his brother how he sells stolen Bibles after the show autographed.

And his brother how he sells stolen bibles after the show autographed and his brother grabbed from walmart a cart a comic strip bible i guess how would you explain the action bible it's just uh jesus's story in comic book form yeah but he stole it no no my brother bought it and you stole it from him oh yeah with help from my friend norman nice i told my brother bought it. You stole it from him? Oh, yeah. With help from my friend Norman. Nice. I told my brother when he bought it, I'm going to steal it from you. I don't think he took me seriously.

He was keeping an eye on it, and then Norman was handing it to me while my brother was in the bathroom and shoving it behind the couch. I'm like, I'm totally fucking stealing this Bible. My brother got two minutes before we left his apartment. I'm waiting for him to leave the room. He's just walking around the room waiting for me to get ready.

Then I'm like, fuck. He walks in the kitchen. I'm like, shush. Shoved it straight in my bag and texted him later. I stole your fucking Bible. He's like, you motherfucker. He called me from the airport with his story. He's so happy. That's good. That's a commitment, man.

I'm going to take any Bible I see right in front of whoever it is, and I don't care. Well, you waited for him to leave the room, but at the same time, your commitment. I walk out like I own it. That's good. Yeah. You look like you would own a comic strip Bible, so I mean...

He looks like he would steal a comic strip. Getting away with a lot of shit is just act like you know what you're doing. In my mind, I thought, alright, this joke's over with Derek. I'm just going to make up

that I had some work. I'll dump him off somewhere. I didn't know how you get to St. Louis. It's just how I imagined it. And then you had to phone home for a ticket. But evidently, there's still... Are there still fireworks? I can't believe you said that.

We were so terrified that when you get a one-way ticket, that eventually she's coming back here with Derek. That's what I thought. And I'm like, I hope she likes Betty's place. Well, if you get a one-way ticket and you're going to hang out with some chick, that you, like, obviously. I might never come back. But you got a one-way ticket.

It's like if you're coming back, you're driving a car back. I thought I might stay in St. Louis a little longer, but not having a car. No, no, no. That's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about going visiting family and then calling for a ticket home. We're talking about you went there, and then your plan was to drive back with her. And it was. Not at any point.

At any point? No, I've taken the Greyhound i my sir you are under oath my plan was to ride roller coasters on a comic book bible and if we rode roller coasters and then the next day she said you had to go home i'm fully prepared to get on the greyhound i definitely had the money at that point to do that and that's what i you know i'm prepared to to be four days in and just hit a greyhound and come home. His story adds up in that if he went out to meet her and knew

he was going on the road, well, he can't get a round trip from Dallas, so he doesn't know where he's going to fly back from. Let's keep plotting. Let's try to find holes in his story. Where's the prosecutor? I don't want to make it sound like I am coming down on you.

I celebrate that spirit. I've done that. I've quit jobs to go surfing in Mexico. I don't want to bring it down, but when she offered to get me to St. Louis, my friend just died like a week before that, When she offered to get me to St. Louis, my friend just died like a week before that, and I really wanted to go by and see my friend Mary. There's a lot of people back in St. Louis that miss me as much or more than you guys do,

and I don't know if— We didn't miss you. Yeah, they missed you a lot more than us. Until I hide their remotes. They're not lost, Doug. They're not lost, Doug. They're not lost. We don't miss you. We need you. I back him up on that.

They're not here. Someone hit them. We need you around here. But we were more intrigued. Fascinating. I was trying to figure out how to do the football squares on gambling on when you'd come back or if you'd come back. But it's too confusing for me.

There's a lot of odds in that, like death or imprisonment. Well, Crazy Tales, that's a siren song, my friend. I don't think he's done with this. I think he'll take off again. First odds would have been, did I ride a roller coaster? Hey, Great White's done with me. Where do you want to meet? That's it.

Your turn. Bring bleach and a bottle brush to clean me out. Got it, got it. Your turn. The A me out. Got it, got it. Your turn. The A-kit. Got it, got it. It's already packed, honey. What do they call it?

So would you be with her if she said, I want a commitment? Are you talking to me? If I was anti-bullying, I would be against you guys right now, but I'm not. I'm not bullying, Derek. No. Well, I'm with you. I'm just saying I'm with you. That's even harder than asking me what I do.

I love that fucking spirit that spirit that's doug that's the spirit of like comics when they first start doing the road and it's uh when i first started playing in a cover band it was like i don't know how to fucking play my instrument i'm i i pale in comparison to the other people in my band because they're musicians. But at the same time, I want to travel more than they do. Fuck you if you don't want to fucking have a passport and go anywhere.

Who doesn't want to just disappear and go fucking drive a farm to Brownsville? I've had guys not join my band because they had a parking spot at their fucking apartment complex. I was looking for a fucking drummer. And they would come up like, well, I need you to get a passport because we got a gig coming up in Guam. And it's like, oh, I can't leave. Well, you can't leave.

I'm like, girlfriend, we got a place. That's why? leave. Oh, my girlfriend, we got a place. That's why? You'll get way more pussy in Guam than you're probably getting with your girlfriend now, and a parking space? That was a fucking excuse. I know, I'm that guy now.

Well, now. I bought in all this shit. The spirit of Derek, our young Derek here, that is the spirit. I know, I completely envy it. If it's the last thing you do, get out. What does that mean?

Get out. Get out of what? Doug should leave here and leave you stranded? To live in a tent? That's a blanket statement. I don't advise abandoning anything, but if you can see more, see more.

That's why I'm happy being stuck here in Bisbee. I love it. I haven't worked since fucking October 31st. Believe me, I know. The 30th in the States. I've worked 10 days this fucking year. By the way, if you ever see that donate here button on the website for the podcast,

that's all for Chaley. All your cash... Cash in the mail goes to Chad. That's all Chad Shank. And everything you donate goes to Chaley because he's my tour manager. And if you haven't noticed,

I have not toured in the United States where Chaley is my tour manager. Ten days this season. Since October 30th, almost a year ago. So, yes, he's living off the merch. Good times, my ramen fans. Let me hear you, my ramen fans. There's people chomping at the bit for Bibles out there.

Oh, my God. There's people chomping at the bit for Bibles out there. Oh, my God. So, yeah, Jay Lee has set this up, and we're looking into video. I don't want fucking cameras in my face. We're trying to find something weird, like a fisheye lens kind of shit. No, Ron Babcock had an idea. All right, we'll get to that. But, yeah, we're looking into that.

We're looking into it. What happens next is that girl coming back to the house and fucking yammering at fucking nine in the morning in my face i told i said she's a great party guest i love her uh in a party situation because of everything she did for you she could do for and will do for someone else. Come on, we're adults. That's the way it works, right? She got a gig somewhere else.

Imagine if everybody had this much honest advice at the time. Not like in hindsight. At least I'm not trying to put a fucking bike together. Yeah, you're not allowed. You're not doing it. You are so unencumbered by this. You flew home and that was a thing.

You had a story. To me, you talked about the real Derek before, when he's full of shit or when he's not full of shit. I think that's the real Derek, because on the road, being bohemian, fucking hanging out, dirt road, fucking... I don't remember what happened. Strangers don't lie to.

I'm kidding. No, that's the best. That's the best. Derek has all this... You fact-check him sometimes when he says something that you go, how did that just come out of my retarded baby? And you go, he's right. How does my retarded baby and he goes right how does he know stanley kubrick jesus christ he's right oh well i get yeah well i i can sum up our adventure

with uh the ending is i hope to see brie soon but uh she just texted me that she was watching a documentary on supernovas, so I'm definitely in love. And she's in outer space? Oh, you are in love. This podcast is a love letter to her? It was black holes, actually, now that I remember. She texted me that she was watching a documentary. How ironic.

Black holes. How ironic. That's because that's what they were playing on the tour bus. Yeah. She said the soundtrack was amazing, too, so that's the geeky kind of shit that I'm interested in. Wow, dude. Let's go swimming.

Yeah. Good luck. And ride roller coasters. And fuck. What was your favorite roller coaster? Fucking. I didn't enjoy them. What's the name of it?

What's the name of your favorite roller coaster? I didn't enjoy them what's the name of it what's the name of your favorite roller coaster i didn't enjoy any well they uh i gotta come up with one name of a roller coaster i'm calling bullshit what's the ice going from i don't know you were there batman movies which which park where did you go to a six flags over dallas six flags over dallas what was your favorite roller coaster and six flags over d Roller coaster was the ice. That's close enough. Close enough. The ice something?

From the Batman movie, the ice guy. I don't remember. You know the ice one where nobody sees you? Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze. The ice one where nobody sees when you finger your girlfriend halfway through? I didn't really enjoy the roller coaster. Hey, JT, did you fuck her too on the fucking ice freeze?

It's too frigid. It's not the same when you get older. Don't ride roller coasters if you're over 40. It's a waste of time. I was bored and go find something

more interesting. See, that was the whole reason you went there. Yeah, well, I saw them and I was like, haven't rode one in so long. You know, I'll try it. But then when I rode them,

I was like, I was on Batman talking about other rides. that probably got Hep C from the fucking bad prison art on her back. Check and check. Well, this is a lot better ride than roller coaster. That's the scariest ride you rode. I know that for sure.

Go to East St. Louis just for fun. The bigger your dick is, the more herpes it shows up. I'm just saying. Yeah, it's a bumpy ride, but hey, I've been around. If you're sad and lost and lonely and hate your life and want to kill yourself, go to a bad part of town, and if you live through it, you might feel better about yourself the next day. Or come on the Doug Stanhope podcast and that is a perfect close.

Click. Did you hang up? No, I just said click. If you know what movie that's from, then you win a free prize. I love rollercoaster. I love rollercoaster. Oh, shit. That was fucking great.

Good work, Derek. Derek. Good job, man.