The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #98: Champagne & Caviar with Andy Andrist pt.1

Episode Date: September 18, 2015

Champagne & Caviar with Andy Andrist and Bingo. This is part 1 of a 2 part podcast.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. ThanksRecorded Aug. 12, 2015  in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -ERDHEIM CHESTER DISEASE - http://bit.ly/1FRWYAJUK MERCHhttp://bit.ly/1KQLuVBClosing Song, "The Cocksuckers" performed by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Okay, it's a champagne and caviar podcast, only I forgot to bring out the caviar, but I did find those thin crackers, so I loaded up, I bought all but two boxes, and Shawnee bought out Sierra Vista. Andy Andrist is here, Greg Chaley, and fuck, we got to call, text Chad Shank while we're talking. I'll do it. Oh yeah, Shank. We're podcasting

already and all day uh and bingo's on a mic though she won't say much oh she'll say something she'll text you she'll facebook you live live facebooking during the podcast you want me to call chad shank tell him to just text him yeah just tell him to get over here? Just text him, yeah. Just tell him to come over? Yeah. Okay, great. He was planning on it. Okay. Depending on how murdery he feels today. Murdery, I love that. Don't make direct eye contact with Chad Shank when he gets here, especially you, Damien. Yeah, it's an alpha male thing.

You guys will just have to walk around back and shoot jizz on each corner and uh uh sam is in the house uh he's the uh the journalist and i was trying to explain andy to him and how andy will start a story halfway through and you have no fucking idea what he's talking about and sam Sam says, I quite understood him. I might be British. I might identify as British. I was making smoothies. I was wishing you were in the kitchen because Andy starts.

This is Andy's story. He goes, yeah, I get one guy to drink my piss. And I felt really bad because I told him it was a really good piss. So I apologized. And then it's kind of like so I apologized. And then. It's kind of like the Rain Man. And then he kind of wraps that up. And I. Did he throw the bait?

And I didn't even like at this point, I've known Andy long enough that I just. Yeah. I'm sure there's a story there, but right now I'm trying to make smoothies. But then he did back up. So I go, where is this guy? are you like make this oh i you know to trolling craigslist okay well that's starts to make sense but you're gonna say that at the beginning okay or i made i'm gonna go linear with this drink my piss and and i felt bad okay so i'm helping christine levineine write her porn store thing. So I didn't want to go to the porn stores.

One woman show basically about her life as a porn clerk. All right. So I wanted to write some things with the point, but I don't want to go hang out in that place or whatever and get sucked in, as they say, or whatever. So I trolled Craigslist. I heard something. It was for research for christine exactly i was getting i was looking for the weirdest fuck on there and the human toilet won uh but it was no contest that day that's that was the that was the subject the the caption he called himself the human toilet so i was like fuck yes this is the guy i want to you know i want to talk to him without talking to him you know So we went back and forth on it.

What did the ad say? He wanted to be pissed on or some dump full hot steamy load at any time. Here's his phone number. Not gender exclusive? I assumed it was a feller. No, but I'm saying anyone with piss wasn't a dude. I guess. I don't know that part, but it was in the dude section.

Seems like a very important part. No. Not if it's piss. If you're into piss, what do you care where it comes from? I mean, for someone answering the ad, it seems like it's important that you know. And I think, yeah, I don't know. I think it could go either way. I'm not pissing on a dude.

I know. That's so gay. So you make contact. I do a bunch of, that's so gay so so you make contact i do a bunch of it's a long you know exchange and uh and then i you know i'm you know he's thinking i'm drinking it's true though i did have asparagus and then i i told him i was vitamins and i had some rich golden urine i'd squirt in his face and shit and then uh you know to get his point of view on things and uh uh and then at uh at so how did that go he uh anyway i got to the point you made contact sure you yeah said it where i assume you're in a park for some reason i know i was just at home he came by your house no no no no so i was just when i was trolling him. I was at home. And I felt bad because he was like going for it.

I mean, when you actually hooked up with the guy. See, and what you said earlier, I started to fuck up and jump ahead. So I'm taking new meds and everything's better. So I said, yeah, I had this pill, piss off. I was a cock tease, basically. That's what I come up with when I said, no, I can't make it. Like, we were arranged to meet, and I was going to piss on him in public. And then I said, oh, I have some business that I can't get to, you know.

Actually, I'm too busy to give you a face full of piss. I'm sorry. My kid was on fire. I had to put her out. How about tomorrow? Right, right. Like, oh, I just got UA'd. Random piss test.

Sorry, right. Like, oh, I just got UA'd. Random piss test. Sorry, bro. So, and then it was kind of like, that's when I got his thing. Like, no, that happened 10 times to me yesterday. And then kind of a passive aggressive, like, you know, he's a human toilet, but he has feelings. So, I pissed in a cup like I do, and I had a big steamy. I told him it was vitamins. It was actually antibiotics. But, you know, whatever.

It's a human toilet when it gets down to it. It's a human toilet with feelings. But, you know, antibiotics can't hurt in that situation. So I decide, okay, I took a picture of the cop and i said look i mean i don't want to piss all over you in public you know that's what he wanted though yeah he wanted me to in public or was that your idea no it was his that was his ad you know you know like maybe i assume a texaco i assume or whatever you just go meet up and piss on him and he wanted it on his shirt and shit and i don't know uh so but i arranged i go i'll give you i'll hand you this

cop in springfield if you're. And he goes, I'm in Springfield. So I was like, oh, cool. I was driving towards it. And then I was going to hit the Dutch Brothers. And he says, before I get to that, he's like. That's on his to-do list. I'd really appreciate if we could knock off a couple of these tasks on the way to the pissing.

Yeah, so he's a fat ginger. Bottom, I guess. That was in his ad too or whatever. He says he's at Dutch Brothers. It's a drive-thru kiosk. It's a coffee thing, right? Yeah, drive-thru coffee. I was like, that's great. I got this full Dutch Brothers cup of piss and this guy

says he's there. I was like, oh, this will be awkward. I'm going to get my mocha and trade. He's going to dump hot coffee on himself expecting lukewarm piss. No, no, no, I had the piss. They're exchanging hot liquid. That's a Three's Company episode where they mix up the cups.

Mr. Furley. He's gay, I've got AIDS. I got one bullet and I'm using it. So you give him the piss and he drives through? He said he was a fat ginger, and he was. He was a round, rotund, soft, white, fleshy ginger guy. It looked like a bigger, fatter version of Louis C.K. Fat ginger sounds like your words.

He's like next year's Louis C.K. Fat Ginger sounds like your words. He's like, next year's Louis C.K. The after picture. If you took a little bit of Ralphie May's food and you fed Louis C.K. that extra food. Anyway, so he was standing up over to the thing, and I was going to pull through the thing to get my coffee, and then he was standing right there, so I was like, I'll take care of this business and loop around or whatever he's standing there he's holding a mocha so i guess that was his plan b if i didn't show up and i go and then i go he sees it and he gets all fucking you know weird it's great you know it made him happy grinny yeah very fucking mean you know here it comes uh so it is here yeah yeah payday like a tweaker getting a

paycheck or something uh so i handed it to him and he goes and he was very you know i could tell it was like i i don't do much for other people so this was like a chance to get out there in the community and i handed him this piss and he's so fucking happy looking and he goes you want a mocha and i go fuck yes i want a mocha and he handed me the mocha and i was like that you know so i guess that was his plan b like if i didn't show up you'd have a mocha and loop around looking for somebody else to piss on him so that's the end of that piece next so you just gave him the piss i gave him off into the sunset he gave me the mocha and i told that's yeah i got the hell out of there i didn't want to stay with him and see what he did do that piss i mean Or that mocha.

I saw James Inman drink my piss, and it made me sick. I almost gagged when Inman drank my urine. Yeah, Inman was at the desert, and he was saying, no, you can drink your piss to survive in the desert. And he kept going on with this. So finally, Andy called his bluff and uh he pissed into a cup and inman drank it and said see to shut us all up uh no you're supposed to drink your own urine yeah if you're in a survival situation well this is a you know not really one of those we have

water did inman give you a mocha i know fuck no inman owes me a mocha what drove you to this place in life what did i i had to write that fucking thing for labina and i don't have creep you know that creepy dialogue then i just wrote a book i gave no one any uh excrement or excretions or i don't do that i don't do that i haven't i mean you know that's the only time i i didn time I sold stuff on Craigslist. But it was like, you know, cock pictures are fucking gross. And most of it is like, you know, use your own. Why would you use your own? There's so many other dicks that are probably better than yours.

Use that as the headshot and bait them or something. But can we talk about your home situation? Oh, yes. Good. Andy, I got some rotted boards in front yeah no no i mean your wife has some brain disorder we probably brought it up on the podcast last time you were on yeah yeah it's a real stupid name disease and it's stupid because it's like fucking you know you tell people she's got cancer and they give a fuck or they put on a

face like they give a fuck or whatever but ultimately it's called erdheim chester and that's just not a good pickup line my wife's going through chemotherapy for erdheim chester get away from me creep but if i say cancer they're like back rubs and it's like okay cool i like sympathy and he calls me up one day and he says uh he's having such a hard time with his wife because she has his brain disorder she's's moaning in pain and misery. So he says, yeah, I just hang out in the basement now and I put on lesbian porn and I put it on mute. So that way when my wife's moaning upstairs, I can pretend it's coming from the lesbian porn and it doesn't depress me so much. I said it in a more sensitive way. I don't think that was a tone but i was like you know i got because it

was a fucked up thing but she's up there and she's it was new pain you know there's different things that were going on so it was like new pain caused by the chemotherapy because she gets the same treatment as cancer so can i just say cancer when i'm out and about my wife has cancer not erdheim chester Anyway, so the chemotherapy, I guess it was, I don't even know. It went away though and she got Oxycontin.

So long story short, we just saw. Long story short is she's taking a lot of Advil that she thinks is Oxycontin. No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't do that. Mints.

I've got to look fucking exact and her eyesight's not that good so I could have gotten lazy and put M&Ms in there. She's half a Magoo. I don't doubt for a second that you actually had lesbian porn when you said that. That would be any other comedian's joke. But it's that softcore business, you know, like the Stars Network or Cinemax,

and it's just like, because she's up there and she's moving around a lot. And it's like, and I, you know, I mean, if you're next to somebody who's annoying at the hospital, you know, that's feeling or whatever, but it's like, you know, I can either go up and cry with her, hold her, let her gut it out. You know, that's what I played high school football and we walked it off, man. So, you know, it ain't going to do any good if I get up there. Cause I'm just going gonna get surly and go jesus walk it off man and uh so i stayed down and i and and i didn't want to you know what do you

turn on the tv like you know like soft jazz or whatever so i put it on and watched the the the you know but i always fast forward to the dyke the lesbo part but it's that stupid they're always some science while your your wife did the de facto soundtrack. Yes, exactly. And I could kind of lose myself in that. I think you asked if I jacked off, and I said, that's disgusting. You know I couldn't jack off to that soft core shit they have on the Cinemax. You said you've been back to nature jacking?

Yeah, I'm trying to get myself back into shape and clear my mind. Good for you, Andy. Yeah, thanks. We're out in Death Valley, and his brother's. Good for you, Andy. Yeah. Thanks. We're out in Death Valley, and his brother's with him, and they go to this ghost town, and they're going through all the burned out, the houses like in California that they used in the nuclear testing, those houses that they had. Yeah. We had to hike our asses off, and we were Vandross brothers,

so we didn't have any supplies. And it got to the point where I was like, if this thing isn't up here, we're fucked. Wow, I wish I hadn't given Inman my piss. What am I going to drink? Yeah, I know. That's what the next level of that naked and afraid. Why don't they eat jizz?

Why isn't jizz something? They're alpha males, man, and they're survivalists. If you don't got an eel, you don't they eat jizz why you know why isn't jizz something they're alpha males man and they're survivalists if you don't got an eel you better suck your own jizz or the other alpha male's gonna suck you off and have your protein so they get they get back from this uh ghost town uh architectural it's up in the it's up in the sierra no it's it's beautiful it's it's a good distance from panamint spring it's called panamint City, though, and you can't get there anymore. The road's washed out. But there's running water up there, so you know if you get there and you made the left and that was the correct choice, you're going to survive.

The other one, I'm not so sure. So he's giving us a recap of his day when they get back from this major hike in the ghost town. He goes, yeah, and one of them is just like it's only like two walls and the rest is caved in i jacked off in that one and then there's another one wait we go back to that i jacked off in that you're hiking with your brother and you go into an abandoned building and beat off not even a building i know it sounds weird but he was doing his own thing he may have been beaten off in another one we don't talk about such matters because we're family and there's a lot of weird secrets but there's also a long fucking mining cave that's where i got them gems and opened my comedy club the next day uh all right so go back to your recent nature

jacking uh well big sir uh i'm trying to remember where it started i think maybe maybe i just felt like i needed to get the big the big sir and that's where i started I think maybe I just felt like I needed to get to the big sir and that's where I jacked out I was watching the way I was taping the ocean and I don't get erections like I used to I know that's good I'm glad good riddance fucko what an asshole

no he wasn't an asshole he's a dick but I'm glad he's you know it's like a dog it ages and it's like better to be around after a few years so I'm glad but I get them at weird times so I'm glad he's, you know, it's like a dog. It ages, and it's, like, better to be around after a few years, so I'm glad. But I get them at weird times, so I'm listening to the ocean, and it's like, oh, okay, here we go. It's like, oh. So I'm jerking on the shore.

It's early morning. I'm up before everybody. It's dark. There's a bus of Christians, a tour bus, parked up there, so I thought about doing it outside of that, but that's, you know, that's the old me. there so i thought about doing it outside of that but that's you know that's the old me so i i went down to the beach and i'm just taping the ocean sounds uh because you're right off of a pch right there yeah both levine and figler in san simeon and this is on this tour yeah so figler

and levine they sound like the ocean too when they're sleeping in the same thing it's like the same fucking deal so So I wanted that as a soundtrack. So then I started the oceans. I'm okay. Whatever Mother Earth, I know you're dying, but I'll fuck you. Just getting into the rhythm of waves and stuff.

So anyway, and I'm taping the ocean sound and then the waves start coming, so I'm moving back and multitasking. Oh, you're standing. You're standing, recording audio of the ocean while trying to keep your shoes out of the...

So you're running in like a kid, running in, trying to run back up. No, no, no, that's bullshit. She came to me. I was just standing there and the waves started coming up further than they were so i stand in their mind in my own business and then the waves so i realized that when i look at then i accidentally taped my feet or whatever and then uh and levine's wrong there's no evidence there

uh that i finished uh but anyway the waves came and then i'm walking back and forth with it a little bit uh like i'm on mushrooms or something, but I'm just... You're trying to time it for a wave? No, no. It was dark. So I was just, you know, I couldn't really see really well what was coming up ahead because it's really crashing and beautiful. I pictured this mid-afternoon.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you said early in the morning it got up. Well, that's the old me too. If the Christian bust, you know, I might have tried to heap one off in front of him just to horrify him all the way back to North Carolina. Give him something besides Jesus to discuss for a minute. But, you know. Yeah, but that gets me in trouble.

And, you know, I don't want to get arrested again. Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess we're going to go there. No, no. Did we finish the nature jacket? Oh, yeah. I think it is.

Anyway, but, yeah. So, yeah. Mother. But it felt right, though. It was like because I was kind of rhythmically walking back and forth and stuff. So why were you recording audio and nature jacking and playing in the surf? Because I wanted to go get something to eat. Oh, well, clearly. I was getting ready to infiltrate the Better Hotel Continental Breakfast, and I wanted to get there before the tourists.

So I was taking care of business, and I thought the tape of the ocean would be relaxing. It turns out it could have been evidence of me raping myself on the ocean. That could come from a massage place where they played us. Who's the poet? Environmental tapes. Right. Who's the poet that did Big Sur? Those beatniks loved Big Sur.

Kerouac. Yeah, all those guys. What do you think they were doing out there? Writing poems? They were jerking off into the ocean and then writing poems. So where's your poem? I think it's called Nature Jack. We'll write it on the break.

All right, we've got to read Philly's mimosas. Yes. Hey, I'm going to the U.K. and Europe. The dates are at DougStanhope.com. We're doing England, Scotland, Ireland, Denmark, Iceland, Amsterdam, Norway. I think we're even doing Sweden. Go to DougStanhope.com. But for the five weeks that I'm gone, there's no way I'm going to try to pack fucking podcasting equipment and trust

Brian, the filthy uncut Scotsman to do it. He can't be Chaley. He will never be Chaley. So my thought was to have Chad Shank fill in for me for five weeks and be my guest host of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Well, that's up to you, the listeners. If you'd like him to do that, tweet him at HDFatty, at HD as in Harley Davidson, Fatty, F-A-T-T-Y. And if more people want him to do this and he gets more tweets, it will affect his ego and make him smile more when he's trying to not kill people at home. All-star podcast, since you guys have bought those fucking football helmets or are buying those to pay for this.

Coming soon, Christine Levine. Click. Hey, UK merch is on sale. Where? In the UK? No. Just on the website. Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK. But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. Oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too?

We got posters. We have, oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters. We have t-shirts. We have everything you need to go out in public naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. And go to DougStanhope.com and look for the merchandise page, My World Tour, asterisk,

places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah. Rolling. Okay, I'm back with Andy Andrist and the history of the wheelchair. We have a wheelchair here that has been spray painted and weather beaten. It's almost 10 years. Bingo on it. Yeah, it's all spray painted up.

But it still survives. And that was the first, back when this was just, it was just that house and this house. This was a torn down shed. This was a slab because we had to buy some piece of shit RV for $1,500. And we, we had a New Year's Eve party. It was our first year living here. And we had like 15 people come. There's no, you know, it's a small house, even with the guest house, it's small. There's people sleeping in the crawl space. We set up beds in the crawl space. It was that tight. And in the RV.

No trailers, no nothing. This whole thing I realize now, like I just was followed a story on through, but I realize how fucking actually the mushroom trip and all that shit that that wheelchair, when I came down here, I thought I was dead and I was going to go to hell or whatever. Okay. You're way, way ahead. I know. Way ahead. Let's start with getting the wheelchair.

Yeah. That's a good tease. So we just moved in here six months before, so we have a party and people come from out of town. MySpace invites, too. That's true. Well, that's how we met Joby. I know.

On MySpace, we met him that night. The wheelchair lady was on MySpace. Well, no, she was a friend of Hag's. Oh, really? That explains it. That was Hag's ride. We had a friend named Hags. Oh, really? That explains it. That was Hags Ride. A friend named Hags who we haven't heard from in years. She brought this friend who had

MS or CP something. She was in a wheelchair. Chatty Cathy disease. In a wheelchair, but didn't have to be. She could get around awkwardly, stumbly. It's more convenient to be in the chair so yeah she'd take a chair for long distances but inside the house and the woman was

the most annoying fucking person in the world and it's always difficult when someone's a douchebag and handicapped right yeah because then you feel like an asshole for hating them but this woman would just blather on every room she went into. Everyone secretly crept out of until there's one person cornered. And then she'd switch rooms when that person got away and clear out another room. It's like a roach bomb, this woman. She was like a less mobile, cuntier version of me. And all she talked about was her disability.

And she was going to beat and she was gonna beat it and but still it was passive-aggressive what do they call that on uh the internet where you're humble brag it was the kind of that effect of positive but keeping the focus on the negativity about her condition even in a positive way you go you're still just trying to make me feel bad for you in a hey so if we spend the night you're this is where you're doing mushrooms and thought i was the devil and yeah you were the devil uh uh fucking luke father luke's morphed into jesus which he naturally did uh and i was up at that place and everybody disappeared disappeared, and I ended up- Okay, there's a giant old schoolhouse kitty-cornered to here, and those neighbors we hadn't met, and they crept in at some point of the party, and I-

We were playing. We had music going, live music. My friends were playing. Rob was on the saxophone, and they came down. Yeah, this was before even the patio. They were just playing in the dining room. Yeah, we didn't have a patio then. Yeah, Butters was rapping.

It was a very surreal, tripping night. Butters in a dress. Yeah, Butters in a dress. Yeah, that was normal. The neighbors came in at one point, and I'm charcoal eyes, and I go, Hi, welcome. Cocktail? Want some mushrooms?

And they go, Sure. This is, what's his name? Tom, the died, the yoga guy? Yeah. And Wendy, when they were together, and they go, sure. This is, what's his name? Tom that died, the yoga guy. Yeah. And Wendy, when they were together. And they said, well. But they wanted Robin to play saxophone in that main room. No, they said that her daughter was like seven.

It was her birthday on New Year's Eve. And she was sad. And she heard the party going on. So he said, fuck it. We'll bring the party to her. And we had Rob come up with his saxophone. And it's an old schoolhouse, turn of the century. And with these massive ceilings and it just echoed it was it's inside of a bass drum and you're tripping and everyone's dressed weird and we bring this whole parade up at like 11 o'clock

at night and go in and he plays in their atrium booming just a wailing out sack a sax solo for the kid and that's the house yeah and every there was a lot of us we're for the kid, and that's the house you're talking about. Yeah, and there was a lot of us. We were all in this thing, and it was really cool. Oh, I got to ask you this, though, the guy probably who died, did he have gnarled claw-like hands? Can't remember. He might have gotten them.

Because his hands got really fucking weird, and then Father Luke was sweet knowing Jesus staring at me, and then I was in with everybody, and then everybody was gone. And I was in the back courtyard, and the garage doors looked like the stuffed monkeys. My daughter had two faces. I was like out there thinking, well, how do I get back? But it was like that episode of MASH where that guy was dead, and he was trying to find how to get out, you know, how to go to hell or wherever.

We couldn't get out either. This is like you explaining a dream. Anyway, I can cut it to the, yeah, it is. He had gnarled hands and there's two monkey heads that reminded me of my daughter. Okay, so I was in this courtyard for a long time. But it wasn't really my daughter. I mean, you know, I don't know how long I was out there. In the house up there on the hill, the schoolyard.

So we all go up in this one big flash mob party for the kid, and then we bring it back home, but we left Andy behind. No, a lot of us got stuck in there. Me and Rob couldn't find our way out. Yeah, it's a weird estate over there. And then the girl, the young girl kept showing up, and it was like horrible. Oh, yeah.

She was like the girl from The Shining, even when you weren't tripping. Fuck yes. Okay. So scary. So I finally go, well, I've got to get to hell. I figure I'm dead or whatever, and I just don't want to be there. You know, that's what I think. I was a ghost for a minute because I was like, probably their problems.

She came over a couple of times after that, like during the day. She just come over and like all really nightmarishly. She had the eyes of an elderly person that's staring. And she came over for like weird reasons. She was like seven, do you think? Yeah, like we're not hanging around. We don't hang around with seven-year-olds.

Maybe I don't have a bad head for mushrooms after all because I went. So finally I got up around that path and I don't think I remembered seeing that girl. So I go up there

and there's two of them and they're doing fireworks and they go, you can't go that way, mister. And then I turned around and went back to the fucking courtyard because I thought that was my daughter at two ages i wouldn't get the sears so he's just dead and floating around again going fuck man that was my path out and i how do i get

past them bitches uh so and that guy finally the guy with the the own somebody he he's like walking down you know how fuck that uh the you know the the road is all completely divoted and it's dark and i can hear the party and he's taking me down but it's a hot flash going down and i'm going to hell and it's fine i figured that anyway uh but he he had a tight grip on my and he's like you know i don't know what this fucking deal was uh but anyway i broke free of him because i was like i'm going to find it myself uh see ya and i came into the party but i was just silent bob uh and and then the fucking table was set a big red table and there were symbols like monkeys and shit and things that it just ah fucking shit so i didn't say

anything because i was just waiting for the angel of death or whoever and and then fucking big gummy jd uh jack he's standing in the corner there and kept looking at me and he had the big gums in the fucking Hawaiian shirt and I was like, kind of thinking, oh, okay. So you're having a bad trip.

I was thinking, no, I was kind of just waiting to go to hell. I wasn't necessarily bad tripping, but I thought he's the angel of death in a Hawaiian shirt. I was thinking, what the fuck?

Tom, the guy that walked you home, he just died a couple years ago. That's just a weird aside, but they split up. Wendy, the wife, left. I'm playing at the place we first played in New Orleans. One-Eyed Jacks. One-Eyed Jacks. Yeah.

And I'm in the green room, and the manager comes back and says, there's a lady out front. She knows you. Her name's Wendy. And I go, the only Wendy I know is in life. Yeah. back and says uh there's a lady out front said uh she knows you her name's wendy and i go the only wendy i know is in life yeah is my neighbor from bisbee so i doubt it's and it was her and i said oh yeah definitely bring her back and she had just split up with him moved to new orleans saw me she's walking down the street and saw my name. On the marquee. And she immediately bursts into tears about the divorce.

And I'm about to go on stage. And I just vaguely know this woman. And I'm hugging her. Have a good show. Just trying to keep her upbeat. And then, so Tom, when we get back, Tom's the big sauce bag. Yeah. And a couple times we came home.

One time I came home and I walked into the kitchen and he's walking out with a cup going, I owe you some vodka and just walks out the front door. He doesn't say anything else. And they said, we really don't know them that well. I didn't care. But yeah, he's over here with his dog one night taking a bottle of vodka. We're a little low on sugar. Shawnee just walked in, but were you there the night we were all sitting up there?

We had a fire going right after that had been leveled. Oh, it was Russ Dunn. Okay, it was Russ. So that guy, he was probably drunk. That's why he was probably grabbing my arm for support. And I was like, fuck this shit. Or shaking you down. I would be the last one to choose for a buddy i think we're way far off of the wheelchair story we're getting to it though i think we're in the mushroom trip that led to why i took the wheelchair but uh so i sat here for a long time and that dance slab was painted

red and glittery and there was an empty wheelchair i didn't even know there was a wheelchair person and my dad was in a wheelchair so i thought i was supposed to get in a wheelchair and that would be you know so i wasn't i wasn't like tripping and sobbing and shit i was just kind of like where's hell jesus well uh this is uh interesting because bingo when she's her medication is bad she goes through these same things. In the book, the best I could describe mental illness is a bad trip. Is a mushroom trip, yeah. But totally sober. I'm going to hell.

I'm supposed to die. I just have to accept my death in the exact same story. Yeah. It is. It's very much like tripping but with no – With no come down. Yeah. You can't go, oh, it's six hours.

Ride it out. Yeah. Yeah. It could be days. Or ever down. Yeah. There's, you know, you can't go, ah, six hours, ride it out. Yeah. Yeah. It could be days. Or ever. Yeah. Or maybe you're right. Yeah.

Thanks, honey. Thanks, honey. So, anyway, and I was trying to, I was like thinking, I probably was dancing, you know, like kept going up to the chair and deciding not to, you know, doing that sort of shit. And Doug comes up to me at some point and goes, what do you need? Why won't you? You used to be so much me at some point and goes, what do you need? Well, I want you. You used to be so much fun. Do you need some blow?

Do you need that? I was thinking, I wonder if that killed me or whatever. And, you know, I didn't think you were the devil, but I thought I was a little hell of a duck. Have talk on the way out. Want some blow? Want a drink? More mushrooms? I went down underneath the house like you were describing, that fucking crawl space under there.

And I was like, I just need to be away from everybody or whatever and and get you know maybe they'll find me uh and fat arthur was down there and i assumed he was dead because he's just fat and uh and then he was down there and bumming me out with his thing breathing and whatnot and uh and so i i went back out and i you know considered the wheelchair again and and i don't even know where where I went down that evening or when it ended. I know where it ended for us. It was the first time the cops ever came here. And it was about 4.30 in the morning, and we're in the little house doing blow. And fortunately, the window was open.

And as we were cutting it up, I look up, and I see two cops coming down the driveway because the band had just stopped inside. So it's very quiet. Again, it's twice the cops have been called, and everyone just shuts up by the time they get here to make the caller look like a dick. No, it was really loud. Five minutes ago. And this was before the gate was installed, the perimeter. Yeah, we're in the little house. Yeah, so there's no announcement.

You just see people walking into your yard. I just happened to look up and see them and then put the Coke away and walked out. Sorry. Yeah, I said we had a band. They went a little too long, but we shut it all down. Have a happy new year. Have a good night. Fucking cool as shit.

That was our first. Yeah. That's where it ended. Yeah. That's where it ended. Yeah, that's where it ended. So cut to. So the ugly morning. Yeah, the morning hungover or whatever. Paranoia, really, more than anything.

But this was another thing about death that I just found really insulting is I had to stop and piss quite a bit. God damn it, you know. I get hell now. I'm still pissing and I haven't had anything to drink. So everyone's climbing out. This wheelchair now has a cunt in it. And they're loading up and they're these hags friends. Anyway, so.

Yeah, they were just overnight guests. Yeah, the little skinny guy comes up, and they're ready to roll out. Their truck's backed up all the way to the house, because they probably stole shit. But who knows? And he goes, I've never really heard this, especially starting a fairly long road trip. You got any Jaeger to go? Is there any of that Jaegermeister left? And I go, I'll give you a whole bottle for a wheelchair.

And they went and did their figuring family budget whatnot what can we cut out that we don't need i don't even know why i said it but it was because i was but it was in parent i was the paranoia part of it but i knew i wasn't dead and i knew that didn't represent anything except the cut and i don't know but i just never heard that before. And then I gave her a bottle of Doug's Jaeger, and so it is your chair. She goes, I'm going to do it because that was my New Year's Eve resolution. I'm going to walk this year. I'm going to do more walking and more dancing than I could somewhere else.

And they had a bunch of stickers, and then they redid it. As destroyed as that wheelchair is, it will never leave this property. It pretty much... It can't even sit in it anymore. It pretty much, model-wise and everything, was like one of my dad's clunkers he had. You know, the really fucked up wheelchair. His winter wheelchair. Yeah, he had a shit wheelchair, you know.

But I got good at wheelies and shit. He's just one in the mud. I had a similar... His period chair. I had a similar like. His period chair. I had a similar. This was a Jesus paranoia way before I did drugs, but I was getting jerked off by a cripple. But my dad's wheelchair would just be. So it would always be folded up when they go somewhere or in the car.

And one time it was just weird. It was in the middle of the driveway. And I got home and I'd go to churchy graham and what those preachers and shit and they'd talk about the rapture and i was in thought the rapture was going to happen and the fact that i was getting molested made me i was a prime candidate for the hellfire uh so i would fucking you know freak out about the rapture and that one time i saw my dad's wheelchair and then i started found the church directory thing and started dialing up numbers and then

nobody answered. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I don't know. But paranoia is schizo. It'll get you. Yeah, I'm going to shoot something before that. Don't forget to catch Andy on his new podcast called The Onion Skin. Just keep peels

and peels away. Well, they want me to pay for it. It's called therapy. And fuck that. Yeah, we'll be doing more podcasting with Andy Andrist coming up in the podcast to come because I have a list of stories I wanted to get to and we're pretty much already at a podcast.

Shit. Andy's always on. You can always count on Andy. So am I going to heaven? I traded a wheelchair for, you know, a fair square. I helped her to regain her step. You were the agent. You didn't pay for the Jaeger.

You gave her an excuse for stumbling. No, no, no. I wouldn't, you know. Or rubbery legs. It's not the MS. It's the Jaegermeister. I walk fine normally. She died two days later in an escalator accident.

Her leg was pinched. She should have been doing the elevator, but she's not comfortable standing in those. Oh, well. Life goes on for some, and others it doesn't always. But anyway. All right. A couple of things that I had. Christopher Aguiar.

Maybe we already did mention him. That one didn't go out. Oh, all right. Some guy says, hey, Doug, I've been wondering for years what kind of dumb thing to send you since you love getting mail, apparently. I just recently finished community college, and I'm moving up to your hometown of Worcester, Massachusetts, to finish college at long last.

I've finally figured out what to do with my old college ID card that was sitting around gathering dust. I sent it to you so you can see the next generation of Massachusetts escapist. Christopher Aguiar. So if anyone wants a fake ID that doesn't have a birth date on it of a fat hey who'd have guessed i'd have a fat lonely tasty white young disenfranchised fan yeah you're like isis you can recruit the same people over and over yeah i do a bit about that yeah we're competing for the same demographic through the social media. All right.

And I had some other shit, but we'll do that on the next podcast. All right. Thanks for listening. And play the mattoid. Flashing neon lights Are shining bright tonight I'm looking for love In this hunky-dory I see some girls who move

There's a pooner by the jukebox Who's giving me the eye There's a redoner by the jukebox, who's giving me the eye? There's a redhead by the doorway, who's waving to me high? Hello redhead, keep on waving, yeah! Easy living, honky tonk women, I'm all here Tonight is the night, I'm gonna light it up And drink my conscience clear There's nothing better in this world Than these three things right here

Easy living, honky tonk women I'm going here Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Scrubbing on their bar stoop All the ladies, they are playing it cool

Fair enough, I better talk to them And try not to look like an asshole I got my intuition And I don't need no pick-up lines Just get straight into conversation And give them damn good time Ladies, let's go to my place, yeah! Easy living, off the top with a cold beer

Tonight is the night, I'm gonna lean it up And keep my conscience clear There's nothing better in this world than these three things right here Easy living, honky tonk women and cold beer Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Yn y byd yma, mae'r pethau sy'n dda yma yn unig. Ysgwyl, hwag, ton, wy, a bwyd golyg. Ysgwyl, hwag, ton, wy, a bwyd golyg. Ysgwyl, hwag, ton, time living a good year Easy living, all the time living a good year

Easy living, all the time living a good year Easy living, all the time living a good year Easy living, all the time living a good year