The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #99: Blame It On Peter Gabriel - Andy Andrist pt.2

Episode Date: September 19, 2015

Part 2 - Blame It On Peter Gabriel with Andy Andrist, Nico Prada, Bingo and Ggreg Chaille.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. ThanksRecorded Aug. 12, 2015in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), Nico Prada, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -Gummo - The Movie - https://youtu.be/gtY_545-ST8ERDHEIM CHESTER DISEASE - http://bit.ly/1FRWYAJUK MERCHhttp://bit.ly/1KQLuVBClosing Song, "Key Largo" written by Bertie Higgins, Sonny Limbo. Performed by Bertie Higgins. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

uh that's duii where i come from they throw another eye at you to go what's that one andy andrist is here uh with uh bingo and chaley and myself doug stanhope and andy got the softest DUI ever. What's the record? How do you phrase that? The title? I got pulled over because she suspected I was driving under the influence of intoxicants because I was driving.

Let me just set the people up at home. Andy Andrist is on tour with Christine Levine as well as Damian Figler and Nico something or other. Prada. Prada. Nico Prada. It's actually pronounced Prada-jay. One of the many people that I say, hey, nice to meet you, and they go, I've met you four times. I know.

He did the same thing to me, and I don't think I met him before. I opened for you in Fort Lauderdale. Well, you know what? What condition was I in in Fort Lauderdale? I get a lot of kisses like you say, Matt. Yeah. So you started the tour. Andy lives in Oregon, and you started the tour in Oregon.

Right, yeah. So this was the first night of it. I'm driving back with a friend of mine, Mac Chase, who's a Eugene comic, who has no ability to drive, so he's kind of worthless. So anyway, I could say. Does he even have his own PA? Yeah. That's how in the open mic days, a lot of guys got booked because, well, fuck, he's got a PA.

He stinks, but he has a PA. So you got a worthless friend? Well, no, he actually claimed all the weed, which was nice. So, yeah, we get pulled over. Oh, after you get pulled over. Yeah, okay. And so you know how I am anyway. You know, I'm night vision shitty or whatever, and I'm inattentive.

You know, there's a lot of drivers who didn't make it this age being inattentive like I am. The listener will understand why you got a.02 DUI somehow. 0.2, which is like two degrees under comfortable driving conditions. No, 0.02. 0.8 is drunk. Yeah. You just said 0.2, which would be 20%. Yeah.

But I got a hand, you know, those fucking tests are really, I'm clumsy or whatever. I'm saying the listener, while you tell the story, will see why you couldn't talk your way out of a DUI, even though the breathalyzer says that you're sober right right so but in oregon it's legal to carry you talked your way into a dui and will he this will be revealed a lot of it a lot of the driving and i explained this to her had to do with this peter gabriel cd my friend mac put in there and i said okay i don't i was even like no i don't even want the peter gabriel but he's a two disc collection so it was maybe the one that didn't make me want to drive off the road or whatever uh so it was the depressing one so i kind of diddle fucking with that and drive an 80 because it was you know you drive fast at night or

whatever so he's that's you know she followed me and she's like she's like going, you know, she goes, yeah, I followed you for four miles. And I said, have you heard those songs? They're epic. And it takes a long time to distinguish. Is this Red Rain? Is this Mercy Street? Is it, you know, no matter which one was on that, they were fucking depressing. And I was like, see, that's not even.

So I was, you know, she said I was she said she was quite surprised that I blew such a low. And then she asked if I had clips on YouTube. I think you're rushing through this a bit. She gives you a breathalyzer after you give her this American psycho breakdown of Peter Gabriel. And so she... No, I think that was in the car on the way to the jail. All right. Oh.

The second half of the day. Again, most comics punchlines. So then I'm in jail. No, Andy actually was. I did a hard time because she was pretty hot. She gives you on the street, she gives you the breathalyzer. No, no, not on the street. I went

in to go have the breathalyzer, but I got cut. She goes, you're under arrest and all that. And then she said they were going to have my car towed and all that. Did you have to do all the tests? Yeah, I did. Yeah, and she didn't think I did very. The field sobriety test. You do the alphabet backwards.

It gets to W. You're like George W. Bush. You know, George W. Bush is, Andy, you're off topic again. You're distracted by the W. Exactly. I am calling you in as a character witness of this goes to court so she she gives you field sobriety yeah the uh i thing and then you know to mollify you uh and then uh and then you know the like yeah fucking shitty night you know it's like you're so the reason you pulled me over is what we're doing right now

you're trying to have me track a pen and shining a light in my fucking face, which is rude. But she was pretty good looking and everything was everything was, you know, it wasn't like I was a light skinned black guy in Bisbee getting pulled over. It was all comfortable. You know, I felt like it was the whitest arrest ever. She didn't even since the handcuffs that much. She was she asked if they're comfortable. Yeah. She didn't make me take these.

I wear this reflector thing. It's a slap uh slap on reflector thing and uh and when she sensed that down she didn't make me take that off and i realized i should get a second one of those if i'm gonna get cuffed a lot because that's the thing that protects you so so she decides based on your field sobriety test you're fucked me in and I was going to be getting booked and doing the fingerprint and the whole fucking thing and sitting with other assholes. And I blew an O2. So, and I go... This is at the jail. Yeah, I said, so am I under arrest.

You're hitting on her on the drive to the jail. No, she was playing music and she played music. I go, I didn't know you guys got to listen to music. She goes, oh yeah. She goes, anything you want to hear? And I was like, not Peter Gabriel. Not that fucking Peter. I didn't say fuck. I said I was like, not Peter Gabriel. Not that fucking Peter. I didn't say fuck.

I said, no, not that Peter Gabriel. And she chuckled. So I think we have some rapport. So I'm going to go not guilty on everything just to see her in court. But, oh, too, it's ridiculous. But here's the greatest thing. Oregon pot's legal now. And there was pot in the car.

They didn't find any devices. They didn't say it smells like weed or any of that. And they're going to piss test me. And, of course, they're going to find a lot of weed in there. Look up Erdheim Chester. That's why I smoke weed. I'm anxiety riddled. That's the disease his wife has.

Yes, that was from another podcast. It's not cancer. It's not cancer. So you go to the jail. How long are you in jail before they give you the breath of life? I sit in the room. At the police station. Yeah, I sit in the room with her, but I know there's cameras on the other side of the wall.

So I just did a shout out to Dave Burrows, who's a policeman in town that I know. No, I'd call my friend Dave Burrows, but I'm sure he's not. Like the first 48 room? Like a holding room before they book them. Yeah, it was fine. And then this other guy comes in and I start going, she goes, what's wrong? And I go, I didn't want a roommate.

And then this guy's in there and he's got something wrong with his foot and he needs a drink of water and he needs to take a leak. And I was like, God. And then he left and I go, phew, you know. I mean, because it's tense waiting for that fucking number to come up. You know, have you ever played that? Oh, you already, you blow, you already blew it and you had to sit there. Two, you know, and I was trying to fuck with it a little bit.

Like, you know. Play it like a kazoo. I was doing a lot of weird, uh, yeah, things that were, you know, in my mouth. Just like before I got to the place, like maybe I'll swallow more and then I'll do something. Cause I thought maybe I was fucked up that I had a glass of champagne before I left, but I was, you know, I was aware as I wasn't getting drunk and driving. And anyway, so but they they go. They found the weed.

They found hash oil in there. I had a sunglasses case that has the word police on it. So that's the only thing that guy found. Like he's officer sticky fingers. He grabs that and then that's on the hood of the car hash which i'm gonna say is for my wife's condition anyway uh it is for her condition and uh they got it out and they're like it's heroin and i'm thinking if it was heroin i'd be i wouldn't be here right now so you know give me some credit i don't think you'd be any more

clear on heroin i would be more clear on peter gabriel i don't think i like his music anymore all right so so it wasn't heroin it was hash and i said is that illegal and she said no that's not and but the officer took it and the sunglasses case so i'm gonna let that go because that's not worth it you know the court's time but it does annoy me i now my sunglasses so. So what happened? You said you told me you got your car towed. Yeah, they towed it. What happened to the douchebag that's sitting with you?

He can't drive, and he drank, so I was the driver. So what happened to him? Did you just leave him on the side of the road? No, he went with this tow truck guy. He's sitting in the car waiting for you to pay 500 bucks to get your car back? Yeah. He can't drive, and yeah,'t i didn't know my you know so i go yeah that was the first thing and then i was like fuck it i'm not even gonna lie to my wife this time and uh i mean this time the only time i've ever gotten a two-way well accused of

it i mean i've been awkward a couple things going on here they they gave you your weed back because it's illegal they put it they go you're put it back in the car your marijuana will be back in the car so i get in the car i'm like where's that fucking ash oil because that's kind of the only thing the light in my mood that morning and it was gone and so was the sunglasses case so if it's not illegal he had no reason to take it okay so that the car is afterwards you get you blow 0.02 and i'm sitting there and and i'm far lower than the 0.08 it takes a while you do it twice and I'm trying to read her face thinking you know but then I realize if she's smiling am I going to hate her fucking guts or whatever if it's an.08

you know so they say.02 but they say we're still charging you I said am I so am I under arrest am I still under arrest and she said I can't un-arrest you but then she took you know cuffs off and all that business once we got there.

So, yeah, and then I just went, and then I pissed. She gave me a cup to piss in. I don't know if she's in cahoots with the human toilet or what. But I said, yeah, I'll piss because you'll find a lot of weed in there, but none of it I, you know. So, but I peed all over, you know. First you squirt, and then you want to get the middle piss for any kind of drug screen or whatever. And then a little bit of, you know.

And then I just peed on the container. I realized she has classic gloves on, but it was still a thrill. All right. So you piss in a cup. How do they leave this? this where you still have charges she asked if i wanted a cab kind of like after a cosby rape she goes i call you a cab and i just walk out the door like i'm at disneyland and walk out and there's i'm out and it's like you know three miles of the house i run and and and i and part of the reason i was so stumbly on that thing is those fucking shoes I wore that night were bad shoes, so I couldn't really run in them.

So I called a cab. There was a cab. What kind of shoes would you recommend for a DUI? Oh, these. That's the swoosh. I could have got myself home from a Dewey and, you know, a four-mile jog in, so I'm ahead of the schedule. So what was the charge? Driving under the influence, failure to stay in my lane, which let's see the video, and going 80.

Hey, it was an empty freeway, Your Honor. What would you do? And they'll drop the under the influence. I don't know. I got to get a legal fund and figure out how to fucking, you know, I i don't know i'm grassroots in it uh if you got any listeners out there well i first of all there's they're definitely gonna drop the charges yeah not necessarily because you could be charged for driving while impaired yeah yeah if they try to say i was smoking pot right you know but that they don't it's not i don't think so so i'm not worried about it that much as i should

probably partly because i told my wife the truth about it and just said, hey, you know, I mean, you try to take it easy on Erdheim Chester heads, you know, and half of Magoo. And I said, hey, I just wanted to tell you I got a Dewey last night driving under the influence. And she's a lot more calmer since her spirit's been broken by disease and whatnot. And she just soaked it in and i go

i blew uh under the legal limit by uh oh six yeah so it's like you frame you know i got it on my past uh i got seized but whatever um but oh two that's you know three two thirty in the morning they just you know they were just fucking with me because it was labor day so we started oh man we start the two and peter if he would have put any other cd in there i would have been home and it They were just fucking with me because it was Labor Day. So we started. Oh, man. We started. And Peter, if he would have put any other CD in there, I would have been home. And we wouldn't be talking about this. We'd be talking about short pants. Because I had planned before that.

After the break. Hang on. Yeah, let's take a break. And we'll get back with short pants for part two of the part two Andy Andrist podcast. Hey, UK merch is on sale. Where? In the UK? No. Just on the website. Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK.

But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. Oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters. We have t-shirts we have everything you need to go out in public naked a poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top and uh go to doug stanhope dot com and look for the merchandise page, My World Tour, asterisk, places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah. Okay, we're back. Andy, I have notes, and this one, you said, I don't know this story, so I'm not even going to buy it.

Okay, so... I don't know how to lead you or correct you. I guess Lucy emailed me when I was hitting you guys after your cat died. Lucy's a gal friend of ours here in town in Bisbee. Right, and she said how great it is that I say the perfect thing at the most awful tragic time or whatever or what you know it was a nice compliment of having like a superpower that's just awkward mostly uh but i you know it's like when somebody's pet dies a lot of times i don't really know them and it's like it's funny to fuck with them or you know my i had one that said my monkey chiggers was caught up in some farm equipment, and people were dropping sympathy or whatever.

But anyway, I had recently, about a month ago, under the tweaker house near me. For people who don't know, my favorite cat I had to put down. Trousers. Trousers. It was a few days ago. So Trousers died died and you guys were sad and Bingo couldn't cry

and Doug could cry, but he cries all the time so nobody noticed. I did get some good lines out while we were putting her down. Just like mother. Well, when my cat died and when you visited, my daughter was real little. Doug goes, no, let's take it back to a pet store.

That was the line. You wanted to take it back to a pet store. That was the line. You wanted to take it back to the farmer's market to get a refund. Yeah, I got the cat at the animal rescue stand at the farmer's market. Seven years ago. First, because they said that the only other option would be to take it to Tucson, put it in an oxygen tent, and then the surgery just to get the water off the lungs to find out what the root cause of the whole thing was could probably kill her

and all the root causes were death sentences anyway. You don't have to explain. I think your listeners know the compound. After the second shot went in her and I'm just trying not to cry so I'm forcing jokes out and I said as you can tell the cats still

I go, you know what? I'm rethinking that oxygen thing. She's going, what? No, just kidding. And then after she was dead, I said to the lady, I said, can I keep the body to bring it back to the farmer's market where we got her from the animal rescue stand? Because that would be very funny to just go out and go, is there a warranty on these or something?

Because this one's busted. It's broke. Got this from me about seven years ago. So that was the setup, too. Yeah, so anyway, about a month before trousers, he was euthanized. I know your policy around here, Dr. K. But so about a month earlier, this tweaker house, and they're, you know, they're ship eggs, and they're bothersome as neighbors, you know.

Everybody can be free to do what they want when you're chucking your furniture down over the thing. You know, they're the kind of people I'd burn out in a second if I had to. But they had, there was this little kitten, and I grabbed it up underneath there, thinking it was a feral, and I grabbed her, and then I took her over to my house, and then she hasn't left since. Kind of like that Puerto Rican guy who rounded up chicks. I feel like that was the business model I'm using to keep a cat away from a neighbor so close that she's got to go indoor.

But my daughter was going to take her to Colorado, and that didn't work out for college or whatever. You know, bad idea, too. And then your pet. I mean, you know, I love Short Pants, and she's a beautiful kitten. Oh, that's Short Pants is the name of the cat. Yes. So she's a kitten who looks a lot like trousers.

So that's the name. I named her Short Pants, and I was going to bring her out here on this road trip. But the Dewey kind of shook me up emotionally, and I was just sobbing about different things or whatever. Jesus and how he wasn't a good listener in school and my kitty, my dad's wheelchair, and how my grandpa killed himself at 50. And I'm running out of time to top the family mark or whatever uh but uh so you know this kitten she'd crawl up on my head and she waked me up every morning it was fine i was glad to see short pants and then she'd sleep on my neck and then she rolls over on her back and uh has a perfect belly for rubbing and she'd she's i love this cat and i was like well

i know you know i just i need to give it to doug because they lost their cat and it's a beautiful cat and you know the puerto rican guy i'm sure wanted to go out a little more but you know i gotta be home without a third cat um but uh so anyway i was like weepy at it and stuff and then i realized well i'm crying more over the thought of giving a cat to somebody than bingo was saying that you were or whatever but i just i just i guess it would have been an act of complete love and stupidity like i do uh to bring her all the way here and then have her eaten by a javelina where you're gone for a month which is kind of ultimately why i couldn't bring short pants that's why trousers was my favorite because it was just meek and beat up by all the other pets around here. If you brought a kitten that was unknown into these angsty, old fucking grouchy animals.

She has a Marilyn Manson symbol on her head, too. So I was like, well, fuck, you know, that's short pants. Oh, yeah. I thought short pants was going to die at the end of the story. The way you started getting a little. Well, only if I would have brought her here. It turns out. Yeah.

The best option is- There's no more animals coming in here. The best option is Magoo juggling three cats while I'm on the road. It's like having kids, only they're easier to feed. We always had the death pool for our own pets. We had two cats and two dogs. And Trousers was going to- Trousers was going to live forever.

There was absolutely no way Trousers was dying. She doesn't- So who's left? Meatwig. And Trousers was going to live forever. There was absolutely no way Trousers was dying. So who's left? Meatwig, the cat, and Henry Phillips. And then will you just open the gate and allow four more to wander in? If we didn't have them, the gate could be open. Dogs are like a hood. That's how we got all of them except, well, no. Trousers is the only one

you bought both dogs we got just wandered in from nowhere before the fence got built we probably have 85 fucking animals if shawnee hadn't built that fence yeah uh and then the the one we found behind the jukebox at the club congress and then i figured it needed a buddy so i got trousers at the farmer's market anyway so anyway i was going to give you a cat i love because i know you love would love this cat and and bingo would love it and uh and and i loved it and so it was like a three-way and i know we've shared pussy before but this was sharing pussy with a heart oh yeah that's uh that's in the book with mother i don't want to tell a story because it's a fucking nice chunk but right now editors are going to come back to me and go um is this person going to be okay with you using his name i think we'll just uh change your name a train yeah the a train you said you've been going

full a train that's what when he was a writer i say in huge asterisks and quotation marks. I came up with ideas and let the idea guys work on it. In the writer's room, everyone had a nickname, and he was A-Train. But you said you'd be going full A-Train again. No, not drinking-wise or anything. No, I just brought the A-Train cot, but I have started nature jacking. Oh, is that what you meant by going full A-Train? Yeah, well, I brought the cot that I slept on the man show a lot with. I pulled it out because I lent it to Nico.

And then I was like, fuck, I'll bring that on the track. And then when you got two, we call them the bigs. Figgler, he's not in here, so I can talk freely. He's a big fat fuck. And Christine Levine's popped up from Prednisone saying they're both heavy snorers. We have some chairs here that are fat guy friendly

because we have a lot of fat friends. We're fat people friendly. And then Damien and Christine show up and I'm like, because these bar schools that you bought, you the listener, due to the football helmet, which was a grand success, I say, even though it doesn't end until tomorrow. But I know already, yeah, you paid for some really nice barstools for this podcast, but they're hydraulic adjustable.

And you're over 225. It sinks to the lowest setting. it sinks to the lowest setting. There's nothing sadder than your fat friend sitting on a bar stool when you're standing as a bartender and they shrink down to Kilroy. A nose on the bar. They're just the bigs, and me and Nico are not. But we were at a Subway, ironically, and all the shit's messed around and back, but I pulled a pair of Figgler pants out of there,

and I think they're bigger than Jared's fat pants. Damon Figgler is one of the opening acts on the tour. And so I'm holding up Figgler's pants, and Christine's in there eating her sandwich, and I'm jumping out and going, whoo, holding up the fat pants, and she thought they were hers, so she kind of looked sad. And I'm like, whoo, getting getting pictures and it's a lot of fun uh to have fat pants outside of subway for some reason we measured them in front of us we could both fit into damien's pants yes yes yes so uh chris and i go christine those weren't your fat

pants they were someone else's they were figlers and she goes oh i thought you were mocking me with my pants it's like no i'm kind of having fun with figler's pants we're not fat shaming we're fat celebrating yeah we're fat celebrating that was so nice to be able to say oh sit over there you're too fat for these stools because that's the way comics can talk to one another no levine said shawnee has heard me opine about my missing comedians and just that because when i get drunk i just start talking like that anyway and i come across as the most rude awful fuck right but this is the way we talk and it was so like she happy to have comedians she asked me when we're it's just the two of us am i fat andy and i said no you just you just look like you have a lot of good spots to smuggle drugs back from Mexico. You know. And she will. Pleasantly with concealment.

Anyway. How does Christine ever say, am I fat, Andy? She's fucking enormous. She's beyond morbid obesity, if there's beyond. She's a supersized, I guess. They're not gigantic.

She's a beautiful, soft-hearted woman. She's just graphically like people look at me and say, you're going to die with the drinking and the smoking. You look at her and you go, yeah. She's bigger. But you know what? It's like I started to get fatter, and then people, then they say, oh, you look, you know, like Ralphie May. He loses five pounds. People go, you look good or whatever. say, oh, you look, you know, like Ralphie May, he loses five pounds.

People go, you look good or whatever. No, you just look less fat or whatever. He never does. Ralphie May, he loses 100 pounds and he can't tell. I know. He was a bad example because he's pretty fucking fat. I watched that My 600-lb Life on, it's like Discovery Channel. Yeah, yeah.

I passed it. They follow a fat person for a year of someone over 600 pounds, and they go through this stomach surgery. And then usually half the time they go back to drive-thru and greasy foods. Well, I'm a little off my diet right now. I'm having a little trouble. But they'll get from 734 pounds down to 280 for a 5'4 woman and celebrating. It's a mile. I never thought I would see this size again.

But with Christine, too, she's got rheumatoid arthritis now because she was starting a routine. We should save this. She's going to be on a podcast. Is it cool you giving her medical history? Yeah, well, let's talk to her about this. I'm a certified doctor. But I'm just saying she hasn't, you know, so she's also on things that make her puffy. Yeah.

Not that we're not. I mean, marmoses make me puffy. I feel a little puffy. We should hit the pool in the sauna. All right. Oh. All right. Yeah.

Shit. Are we short here? You seem short on a podcast. Let's take a break and we'll come back and wrap up with some other fascinating, hard to follow, brilliantly funny Andy Andrews story right after this. Hey, I'm going to the UK and Europe. The dates are at DougStanhope.com. We're doing England, Scotland, Ireland, Denmark, Iceland, Amsterdam, Norway. I think we're even doing Sweden.

Go to DougStanhope.com. But for the five weeks that I'm gone, there's no way I'm going to try to pack fucking podcasting equipment and trust Brian the filthy uncut Scotsman to do it. He can't be Chaley. He will never be Chaley. So my thought

was to have Chad Shank fill in for me for five weeks and be my guest host of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Well, that's up to you, the listeners. If you'd like him to do that, tweet him at HDFatty, at HD as in Harley Davidson, Fatty, F-A-T-T-Y. And if more people want him to do this and he gets more tweets, it will affect his ego

and make him smile more when he's trying to not kill people at home all-star podcast since you guys have bought those fucking football helmets or are buying those to pay for this coming soon andy andrist and christine levine click Click. and we talked about it, and you said it was, I said, it's okay if a couple of comics, you know, Figgler and this other guy on a road trip. A lot of times on the phone, if you've gone on too long and I haven't been following, I just say, yeah. I didn't see the light. Or sometimes I'm just really drunk. But it's so funny to look at him because he's sitting there.

He's this wispy kid. I know it's an obscure reference fuck let's say the god damn it is this gonna happen to me that movie it's an independent movie with the kids in xenia ohio and they shoot the grandmother in the foot with a bb gun gummo gummo he looks like a kid from gummo if you know that movie he's a stringy long-haired skinny way fish kid he looks like a kid from Gummo, if you know that movie. He's a stringy, long-haired, wayfish kid. He looks like he's 16, and he's drinking a 40 of Old English, and they're bragging that, I got it in a bottle. You can only get these in plastic where I'm from.

Well, that's why I think it's a small piece of what's wrong in Florida. Because, yeah, they hit it early and often. And, you know, if them were my pants, I'd be, you know, toning down the 40s for a minute. No, I'm talking about Nico. Nico's a wispy one. Yeah, yeah. But he's sitting over there all wide-eyed. He's 24, but he looks 16, and he's drinking a fucking 40 at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Yeah, he gets up and drinks pretty early. So I kind of admire some of that, but I can see where it could get to be an issue. Yeah. And he's wicked, like sickly. He takes 20 minutes. The pencil thin kid stash, Scooby-Doo mustache. Yeah, Figgler says he's in there jerking off, ha-ha, but he's in there trying to shit because he doesn't eat.

We're talking about you behind your back, but welcome to the show. Pouring peanut butter out or something, yeah. I'm just saying how funny you look. You look like a kid from Gummo, and you're sitting over there drinking a 40 of Old English. I finished my 40. Yes, you did. And I asked him, by the way, follow Andy Andrist on Facebook.

It's Andy Andrist, A-N-D-R-I-S-T. Just search him and see if he ever puts up his dates because both of these guys are on tour with Christine Levine. Well, no, the Florida dates aren't. I'm going out there and Figgler's booking gigs for me in Florida. The point is I asked him where they're playing and where can people find their dates? Should they book new dates? And there you go.

You see, that's Damien. So that's why he's the fucking booking machine. I understand. I don't know where I'm playing in the UK, but I know I could say go to Doug Stanhope dot com. Follow Andy on Twitter at Andy Andrist. I don't have a team around me. You do tweet quite a bit. Yeah, on Twitter.

Have you ever got a response? You fuck with Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid, we're friends. He follows me. He follows you? Has he ever answered you? Yeah, no, he retweeted. I don't know that he's actually replied, but he watches Chips a lot and drinks up beer.

He's not verified, but Christine said you verified him yourself somehow. Yeah, he was in some feud with some guy who had made a song like Pina Colada. It was a one-hit wonder. Oh, yeah. And they were feuding, and I entered into that. I was making fun of the other guy with Randy, and he liked that. What's name birdie higgins yeah nice birdie higgins the pina colada and i took a picture of a couch that was in the garbage can and i said this looks like birdie birdie higgins is moving again and uh he retweeted and i was real proud and i was like fuck yeah

cousin eddie retweeted and then later i. I unashamedly fucking get off when someone known favorites or retweets anything that I know they or I find out they follow me. Right, right. Yeah. And Randy Quaid's right on the list of who you'd want because he's kind of insane. He's not kind of insane. Have you seen what's happening with Carlos Valencia right now? He posted a tweet about he said, I don't care if feminists get mad. I don't think Serena Williams should be able to play a woman.

And he's getting like gnarly hatred, dude. Oh, shit. Like people retweeting him. I got to a point where I saw a picture online from somebody who was going to whatever the fuck university it was, and the teacher posted it on the screen saying, let's talk about this. That's such a, again, a passive-aggressive way of going, this is fucking funny, but I can't say it, so I'm going to make it into a serious discussion. Let's talk about this.

This is hurtful for so many reasons. I mean, pretty funny tweet yeah i thought it was a good one he cranks out these are like a little machine of jokes that carlos valencia yeah yeah and yeah i mean and he's fucking he's leading our death pool by the way i don't know how many people are you we gotta we actually get a some stuff from i'm gonna save this for another thing but that guy's in death pool some guys sent me some booze and not that the other guy they smell like orange juice someone sent us some uh lemonade moonshine i think it's joe joe all right well we're gonna do shots of that later. It's fucking almost three. I don't want to do shots. We should hit the pool.

Yeah, let's get in the pool. I'm down to go swimming. Pool. All right. Yeah. Pool. Pool. Okay.

You know what? This is enough of a podcast. I'm probably in fucking London by the time you listen to this or Glasgow. This is a podcast where nothing really. Oh, I don't know. It's just a conversation. I didn't know we were podcasting for a while. We were just talking about Nico being

wayfishing and delightful. What? Where was I? You were just outside the door. Getting the dates. We just thought this podcast was a little short, so we were going to come up with something else to say, and we didn't. So we came and shit on you while you're outside taking a piss. Here are the dates.

Here are the dates. What are we calling this tour? The short pants tour? I don't know. The short pants tour? Why don't you make up tour t-shirts after it's over? I'm getting them printed a month later. Don't be a dick.

I'm being a dick to Andy and then he'll be a dick to you. I don't even have time to be a dick to you. Why don't we all put our dicks in and be one big dick? If we put our dicks together. Be the tallywhacker. Nothing can stop us. We can be the tallywhacker.

I hate that I've, those glaring observances of your own age where you go, I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be in that van with these, I'd snap every fucking morning. They saw, you saw me get surly a little bit in there. Well, that's nice. It's nice that you get surly because you're usually the one that makes people surly. Well, there's some of that, too. And it's nice that you're in a leadership role now.

But it's a really comfortable van. You can recline and watch DVDs and shit. So it was a pretty easy ride, actually. Yeah. Andy getting surly is not a big deal. Try fucking Figgler getting surly in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania when we get paid $25 instead of the $250

we were supposed to get paid. Damien Figgler is excited. You know that emotion you have when you get off stage and you're all bantering in the green room and everything. Yeah, I'm fucking in that fucking table. He has that intensity at breakfast with a hangover when you have four hours sleep and

trying to tell you these stories that you know they're not going to end soon and trying to maintain eye contact. And he's a big feller, too, so you got to be polite. It was a booming voice. It rattles you like rap music fucking bass at a red light. Your kidneys rattle when he talks. And it's not like Chad Shank, golden voice,

smooth. It's burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. And then we went to a titty bar and there was meth and I thought it was coke and it looked like, then I see the crystals, I'm like, where? Oh, come on. Wearing sunglasses at breakfast.

I know. We'll talk the same shit in front of his face. We love him. I'm not saying we don't. No, I'm saying with a hangover. That's why I ditched you. He works at a rock club, so he's also got the deafness. You know how that goes when people... Yeah, but he's...

I can't find the cheese. You know, the old cunts in the store. You can hear them five aisles away. I can't. I've got the dates. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're going to close on something. And who's on this tour?

It's me and Figler and Nico here. Our friend Brian Coronado from down south Florida. So I'm returning to Florida. He's the straightest gay guy you'll ever meet. Go back to podcast one and find out my adventures in Florida previously. So far, we've got Montgomery, Alabama on Friday the 16th. That's going to end the tour. I'll get arrested.

This will be out by then. 17th will be at the Handlebar. All right. Cool little biker bar. Is that the one? Yeah, we played Handlebar in Pensacola. Okay, yeah. 18th will be at Tallahassee.

Tallahassee. And then Jesus Land for a stop in. And then the 23rd, we're back at the Creepy Tiki in Fort Lauderdale. The Creepy Tiki in Fort Lauderdale. That's where Figler, he books it. That's the room that we run. That's where Barry Sobel showed up there at that place. That's where he cried.

Well, one of the many places that he probably cried. Yeah, so there's a tattoo parlor attached to it, and then there's a bar next to it. Well, we'll try to have this out by September 23rd, because this is part two of the Andy Andrist podcast. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis. I don't know my English. All right, so yeah, try to catch that in Fort Lauderdale. Here's a tweet I thought was pretty funny the other day, and I actually do it on stage. It's like, I know why Donald Trump appeals angry white uh males uh disillusioned white

males because his mouth looks like a glory hole that's a tweet yeah you should you should you really wanted to close on that i thought you killed for two straight podcasts well i ran out of steam and then you do a donald trump i've been cruising on fumes i i if i i knew how to do this split photo, I want to do the mouths of John Taffer from Bar Rescue versus Josh Mankiewicz from NBC Dateline. Because they both have awkward, like a vagina that had a stroke. What's these crooked, weeping mouths. One side hangs up and the other goes down. And they look like an old woman's vagina that had a stroke. And now it's talking like Mary J. Buttafuoco.

You know what you should do just for fun? Give me a split screen of that. I'll tweet that. You know what you should do for fun is put just a couple dignified headshots. Like you have John Taffer and maybe Nancy Grace up. You could drop something to cover it now and then. But definitely John Taffer. I just want those two mouths side by side

in a tweet so I could say which one is the which one is the preferable old woman stroke vagina yes Chad Shank we're closing on Chad Shank teaser for the next podcast thanks for listening shit just

got funnier let's go swimming hey this is Shaylee and before I get a bunch of email, Pina Colada song or escape was written by Rupert Holmes. Bernie Higgins wrote Key Largo. Let's listen to stay warm that first cold winter together lying in each other's arms watching those old movies falling in love so desperately honey I was your hero

And you were my leading lady We had it all When did she get her tits done, though? The first time when I was like 15 because she let us squeeze them in friendlies. Oh, no. Too much. Save it for the book.

Hey, Scrooge McBooger Balls, put it in the book. Booger Balls. Nobody can read a chapter without vomiting. Yeah, that's when people say, what's your book? It's a book about my life with my mother. And you go, oh, that sounds so Margaret Cho. Boring. Well, it's a little uglier than that.