The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #99 ½: Ten Minute SpeedCast - 01

Episode Date: September 25, 2015

A Ten Minute SpeedCast with Doug Stanhope, Brian Hennigan and Ggreg Chaille.Check out EPISODE #31: Comedy Hospice Laura KimballDoug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. Thanks. Really, Thanks a lot.Recorded Aug. 15, 2015in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -GHOST RIDE PRODUCTIONS -http://www.ghostride.com/GHOST RIDE – HAG HANDS -http://www.ghostride.com/hag-female-hands.htmlClayton Distillery Lemonade Shine - http://claytondistillery.com/two-dog-moonshine/Closing Song, "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

ready yeah three two one hey this is the doug stanhope 10 minute podcast to put out while i'm in the uh european nation of europe and we had just uh did another podcast with uh lemon shine uh maybe this is uh i don't know if this uh skips over the one we did this is what we call an evergreen we were drinking lemon shine on one podcast, and now we're trying to do 10-minute podcasts that will stop immediately at the 10-minute mark. I'm with Brian Hennigan and Greg Chaley, and we are talking about, well, when we started this,

Rene French. Did we ever even fucking mention that, i don't know what episode it was uh but laura kimball our good fan and friend uh eventually died from that brain cancer i don't know if we ever brought it up because i'm a piece of shit friend i don't remember either but i do remember you're a very good friend to laura and it's not often I say these type of things but you know a lot of people mark you out or talk about you and discern you as a very cold

personality and that's simply not true who does that? all sorts of people name names don't worry I delete all those tweets but the important point is this, is that I got...

Do you remember there was a... I actually got an email or a fucking Facebook message or something from somebody which basically seemed to imply... It was somebody who said they were a friend of Laura. Like, I'm not entirely sure

if Doug understands how important Laura feels he is in her life and uh i had to be very polite and i didn't want to do i didn't do my typical management fucking shooting from the hip fuck you response which is what most people get if they say something which is incredibly dumb uh and i'm clearly this person was a friend of laura so i had to respond appropriately but i did say listen doug is in personal direct contact with Laura. Things that you see externally on a Doug Stanhope page where he's fucking with her or there's a photograph that he comments on or whatever and makes a joke about. They're all in on the gag.

Except you. you know except you that was the thing i i keep forgetting and i i know people have harbor resentment towards me was when whiskey girl yeah uh or uh nowhere man yeah gave me whiskey girl's password to announce her own death on facebook as her like this is what her husband thought would be funny because he didn't want to deal with this shit because he was planning on blowing his head off secretly and so yeah i put that out okay yeah that's funny to me but yeah a lot of people but it was also in terms of the express wishes of her husband you know knowing that we have an internal conversation yeah you're not fucking part of just because you chucked her a five at the copper queen

when she didn't play piano man yeah yeah so the point is you know the fuck you yeah the idea that locals is the idea that doug or anybody in his circle doesn't have the internal life as you referred to it is obviously ridiculous clearly we know all sorts of things like when trousers died recently that was very emotionally effective. I did a whole trousers podcast. Again, one of the many, there's more podcasts we didn't put out.

And after I die, Chaley will do like you. That's what I'm buying a house. Oh, yeah. The one next door to you for $50,000. No, no,

I'll be driving away. I'm the guy in the convertible in the Horizon that's leaving the scene of the accident. Yeah, all these things that you go, I have no idea what happened to those tapes you gave me. Yeah, in my confidence, please, I'll give these to Brandon and

he'll digitize them and then I'll keep saying for years I have no idea what happened. We only have 10 minutes. So let's go back to this whole idea of how we deal with death in our personal lives. Chaley. What? You've not talked about it yet. How we deal with death in our personal lives.

I've had like four people die within three years. My grandmother, my younger sister, my dad, and Mitch Hedberg all died within like two or three years. A lot of people don't know about you and the Mitch Hedberg thing. People know about Doug and Mitch Hedberg. People don't know about you. Yeah, we've yet to do that podcast. And if we did, please email us and say you already did it or you haven't done it. And if we did, please email us and say you already did it or you haven't done it. Chaley was the tour manager for Hedberg during some sketchy fucking years.

And we always talked about doing that podcast. And you always went, I don't know if it's interesting the same way I am with my book. People want to know. But you've been around death. Yeah, a lot. I realized after a while the time to spend on people who are terminally ill. Everything that you're planning for the funeral is bullshit. Doug, you and I agree on this and we never even talked about it. The time you spend with someone is when they're alive.

Because when they're dead, no one really fucking knows. My mom has a box, a Rubbermaid box, like things that you'd put photos and tchotchkes in. And I call it her death box. It's a box, probably about a $5 box, not a huge one, just a medium box. And this is all of her stuff with explicit details of how much, all the way down to how much I'm supposed to pay the organist

for playing the song on her out. Yeah. And what I'm supposed to palm the priest. Oh, wait, she's still alive. Oh, she's still alive. Oh, yeah. No, death box is in play. She got a reverse mortgage. I was going to say, wait, my mother had a lot of boxes. Oh, your mother's

still alive. This is the one box you want her to keep. My dad had almost the size of a business card with a thing that was quoted from the Bible or something, which he wasn't a big guy, but a Bible guy. There is some wisdom in there. Yeah, but it was a quote. I might not be a big guy of an author, but if he had a paragraph that was fitting, I might go, hey, yeah, read that at my funeral. But yeah, I don't want a funeral.

But my mom's got all that in the death box, which now it's changed. I can't remember. She wanted to change it because she didn't like referring to it as a death box. But my mom has a good sense of humor and that was funny for a while. But then she realized

it's like, it's the prepared box or some fucking bullshit. Death box is way funnier. It was very funny as well the fact that your brother works in like spontaneous and joke magic.

The idea that death box could be something else. Who? Your brother. Your brother. Spontaneous joke magic? No, he works in haunted houses. It makes creepy rubber figures.

Fake death and dying is not magic or spontaneous jokery. If your brother, because he makes all these walking dead kind of figurines for haunted houses. If he could make a death mask of your mother

and put in the casket for when she dies, that's funny. Already have her hands on sale. They're the hag hands at GhostRite.com. They have to come up from the casket at the wake. Yeah, like haunted house style. Yeah, they have to come up very slowly over the edge. And then it resets very slowly

and then you would know that your brother is the favorite adopted son of your mother because your twin brother made people laugh and all you do is work for Doug Stanhope as a tour manager

and it'll be a fucking year when I get back from the UK tour. It will be a year since I've even worked in the US. So the only way Chaley stays alive is by selling merch.

Staying alive. What do we have left? A minute? A minute 42? Okay. All right. Yeah, let me put this out there. Flash round. Oh, we need to do our shots.

What? No. Yeah, we have to. Quickly, quickly, quickly. You got it. Pound cake? No. 125.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Lemonade Jack. 101 proof. I've been talking about, and check eBay. Always check Stan Hope Funhouse on eBay in case we do this, because I thought if Chad Shank and Chaley will do this podcast while I'm in the UK, I will sell one either crazy suit, something. Every time they do a podcast, there will be something on eBay for sale that pays for Chad and Chaley.

So check Stanhope Funhouse for this auction on eBay. And now that I'm saying it, shit face, we're going to have to do it. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Here's something I've been have to do it. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Here's something I've been wanting to bring up for a long time, and I hope you don't mind if I do. Well, go ahead. No, it's important to me because it's something that I know it might be awkward for a lot of you.

What, your mother in a crazy house? No, no, no, my mother in a crazy house. I mean, see, these are... Well, she's supposed to be crazy at that age you're older than me and all you have fucking parents and shit I know but this is one of those secrets that people don't know about

Doug Stanhope and what it involves is do you remember that time you were on that whaling boat in Norway yeah you came out it was Tron time and it was late hey UK merch is on sale Yeah, you came out where it was Tron time, and it was late. Hey, UK merch is on sale.

Where? In the UK? No. Just on the website. Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK. But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com. And posters. Oh, Jim Ether's doing posters, too? We and posters. We have, oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters. We have t-shirts. We have everything you need to go out in public

naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. Go to DougStanhope.com and look for the merchandise page My My World Tour, asterisk, places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah.

All right. Hey, play the mattoid. Part time. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Smiles and blew your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time.

One more! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go Party time Party time Party time Yeah Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time,

party time, hey! Party time! Hey! Party time! Yeah! Party time!