The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#323: SwapCast with Geoff Tate's 'Altered Tates" Podcast

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

Doug and Geoff Tate talk berries, meeting Andy Andrist and taling out some wildlife. Olivia Grace and Javelina introduce their podcast idea to the boys.Thanks to all of the listeners who have supported the podcast by subscribing to our Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Join at any level and you will receive bonus podcast each month. Any level of support helps and is much appreciated. The bonus podcasts will only be available to those who have subscribed through Patreon. Thanks in advance.Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded July 14th, 2019 at the HomeStretch House in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Geoff Tate (@geofftate96), Javelina, Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by “SWORD OF TRUST” starring Marc Maron - IFC presents “SWORD OF TRUST”, starring Marc Maron as a cynical pawnshop owner who comes into possession of a sword that, to a network of deranged conspiracy theorists, proves the South really won the Civil War. “SWORD OF TRUST” is now in theaters and On Demand. Visit https://www.swordoftrust.com (https://www.swordoftrust.com/) for details.www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -Check out Geoff Tate on the road this fall opening for Tom Segura - https://www.justanotherclown.com/ “American Prison: A Reporter's Undercover Journey into the Business of Punishment” – Shane Bauer - https://amzn.to/2LY8Hub “Rise of the Warrior Cop: The Militarization of America's Police Forces” by Radley Balko - https://www.amazon.com/Rise-Warrior-Cop-Militarization-Americas/dp/1610394577HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Requested a welfare check on a donkey on a vacant property. Hereford woman reported that her 8-year-old grandson was, quote, out of control. She called the police for that? What happened? Yeah, there's the coochies. I don't even have a cocktail or nothing. They're not smoking, so... Just keep going. It doesn't matter. Just let it roll.

I mean, I started recording my podcast. Welcome to Alter Tates, everybody. I'm bro-less again. It's just me. But I'm going to record the podcast I make with doug stanhope and shaley i'm secretly recording i still have to have a cigarette and uh uh and i get a hard cider i mean that's good news for me because um i like to do i like to be as high as possible when i do things now and um i'm not that right now currently all right well let's go fix this stuff and pretend this part never happened. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast.

I mean, if you, I mean, there's... You want me to start this for you? Yeah, yeah. There's no reason to not take a nap if you're tired. Well, there's a whiskey sour reason. Oh, that's right. Yeah. What do you mean?

Tracy, you're still sitting down. There's trays. No, we don't. Are they all wet? Listen, Doug, we're not, we're not doing that anymore. Until they abolish ice, no ice for anybody. It's all warm drinks and whiskey neat all your drinks neat yeah i have a seat to have lean up and uh you can grab a microphone out of

my hand anytime you want to chime in or just say it loud yeah either way say it loud i mean just not like you're lacking for a booming voice but mine is gonna get you no matter what yeah so uh whatever know that whatever whenever you're talking you're on my podcast for sure you might not be heard on doug's but you're for sure heard on mine it's pointed right at you so you're the only one like you could be in fact we're all on your podcast right now go it's chelly's podcast actually that's not the way that works it's not direction like that it's uh thanks it's 120 degrees so it's actually it was your way is more fun you're right yeah chaley's got uh yeah a lot

of podcasts now yeah well he's now he's technically your co-host on this oh yeah we you're my guest and i'm your guest and olivia grace is both of our crew right yeah it's a cast i should say cast a full meld yeah okay this is i'm starting to get confused no it's cool i only have three questions and i asked olivia those same three yesterday so if i forget what they are, I can always maybe she'll remember. If you forget the three questions that you base your podcast around, you might go to the last guest you had to see if she remembers. I've never been so lucky as to have my reigning guest be on the next one. I just thought of these three questions yesterday.

So it was the first time that I did it. And I've only done it one time, and she was there, so two of us know what those three questions are. So between the two of us, we'll be able to get to all three questions, I'm pretty sure. Alright, what I've been doing lately out of boredom is asking

everyone to rate the four berries of the top four strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and blackberries in your order of importance. I asked Valentina this question the other day and she got bombastic about it. She was angry that blackberries are number one. And no, I am blackberries. One blackberries, number one. No, I am blackberries one. Blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries. Oh, you got them backwards. No, he meant the best at the top. No, you did it wrong. Yeah, you did it wrong.

Yeah. But I said a perfect strawberry beats them all, if it's a perfect strawberry. A nice plump blueberry? A perfect blueberry needs no grooming. But the best blueberry is as good as a mediocre blueberry. A mediocre strawberry is like fucking iceberg lettuce. No.

Well, that's true. I think that a box of blueberries is better than a box of strawberries. The general experience is better. What if we put up a box of wine versus a box of strawberries. The general experience is better. What about, what if we put up a box of wine versus a box of rain? Grateful Dead song. What if, of those two boxes, what are your favorite? Of the, my, I think, I think, listen, a bad,

you're right, there is a bigger difference between a bad strawberry and a good strawberry than a bad blueberry and a good blueberry. Yeah. But the best blueberry is as good as the best strawberry and also needs no grooming. Yes. So if your question was the mediocre version of which fruit do you like better, I'm definitely going to say blueberry because the halfway point of a blueberry is better than the halfway point of a strawberry i said i would say raspberries are better than strawberries even yeah even blackberries you're putting strawberries

blueberries last no strawberries if they're good or first good strawberries if they're bad they're fucking last perfect like i'm assuming that they're perfect that's what i said version and that's when she got all fucking untangled about well i mean now that you say now that you say uh perfect version then maybe the maybe the strawberries i get have already been groomed and then what is this grooming thing i don't like because if you take a big bite of a strawberry You could end up eating part of that root thing Foliage That sucks Alright

And the blueberries don't have any of that They sometimes have stems They've never really fucked up raspberry That's a good point Wait, raspberries are fucked up inherently because of the seeds Yeah I don't like those seeds Listen, it's just a little fuzz and a little seeds No, no, it's gross If i don't like those seeds listen it's just a little

fuzz and a little seed no no if you don't have a vitamix raspberries are the only ones seeds still show up in your smoothie oh those are actually even with a vitamix a little bit yeah what's vitamix the fucking like a 400 blender that's worth it? We saw it at the Saturday Market yesterday in Bisbee. Remember the old ancient one that had a metal canister? I don't even really want to talk about this because we're going after them for sponsorship because they're half the reason I'm alive today. Their Vitamix is from the 70s,

and he's selling it for like $100 at the the bisbee uh saturday farmer's market i bet it sells it someone's gonna be happy absolutely has a little spigot in the front it's like that fucking uh rainbow vac that mother had from the 70s and it's it's basically works like a bong where it takes everything through water so it takes all the fucking dust out and yeah we gave that to joe at your thrift store and she should be selling that for a few, that was like $700 in the 70s. He said it works like a bong. I thought everyone stood in line to use it next.

No, a bong. Oh, yeah. A bong. I thought, you said it worked like a bong, so I thought Olivia did it 11 times in a row and then called the police. That's one of her bits yeah I'm not a weed person well not when you I mean 11 bong

rips in a row you're like as a beginner is I mean don't blame weed when you didn't you didn't do it right you're not supposed to do it in the woods with people you met on craigslist and uh 11 in a row or call well there that bit is burned oh we were oh yeah did i burn it no no you didn't it's just a premise yeah i don't know i've tried

to smoke weed properly like i even had a friend who was a big stoner, and he was like, oh, you just have to smoke this much of this kind, and then you'll be fine. And he still had to walk me through a panic attack. It was awful. It was awful. I won't even risk trying to find what worked for me. Well, if panic attacks are a problem for you then then you're not just not a weed person you're not a life person yeah yeah you should not get it sober

either that basic a panic attack is just some stored up panic trying to get out it's like old faithful and if you need a little weed to let off some tension come on that's called a foreshock you don't want to wait up then it then all the san francisco comes down around your ankles And if you need a little weed to let off some tension, come on. That's called a foreshock. You don't want to wait up. Then all of San Francisco comes down around your ankles. You got to let some of it out sometime. And if it happens by smoking weed, then take that hit. It's like fissures.

I follow you. Yeah, thanks. I mean, that part's only going to be on my podcast. We'll put the part where I burned her bit on my podcast. Nobody will hear it. So it's blueberries. It's strawberries, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries. For me, yeah, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries.

And you don't like berries at all. That's what's going on here. And you don't like berries at all. That's what's going on here. And you don't think Bill Murray is funny. Tracy's sacrosanct. Tracy is sacrosanct. I mean, that whiskey sour would be lovely, but I guess she's playing fucking knip-knop on her phone. She's got all four berries tied for first. You do have a drink in front of you, to be fair.

Yes, I do. I was just nudging her. You gave her a drink in front of you, to be fair. Yes, I do. I was just nudging her. You gave her the real dirty look. Yeah, yeah. There's maybe a lot of fishers going around this table. Maybe we should all smoke that weed and have a blowout. A four shock. Okay.

I mean, that person that told you to do it is, like, you just don't like it. You have to like to be high. No. I asked her, like, it's once I gave up on, I have no, like, ego or whatever. Like, I try to force that out. And the idea of just pretending I'm not insecure. Yeah. You dress like a man with no ego.

Yeah, I do. Yeah. Thank you. not insecure yeah you dress like a man with no ego yeah i do yeah thank you like the buddha god you were when i we just worked together in cincinnati in april getting ready for that special taping and you showed up in some fucking outfits look like a fucking troll wizard yeah it's uh what's my name randolph uh grandolph's brother randolph the wizard he just hangs out he like still lives with their parents you remember what you were wearing when you first walked up but it's kind of rainy and shitty and yeah you look like you were a prepared homeless person.

Yeah, yeah. Like I knew today's the day. That's kind of how I dress. Here's the style I go for. It's called I Saw Cereal, the first season of Cereal, and now I'm afraid of being falsely accused of anything. He's talking about the podcast. So now I dress like this so that it's

either is or isn't me. There's no confusion. And they'll be like, he was just wearing jeans. And I'll be like, regular jeans? Yeah, regular jeans. You can go, sir. Very sorry. Sorry to have... You didn't have knit coasters.

Yeah, yeah. Sewn to them to cover up as vent holes in the jeans because it's 110 degrees. Yeah, Jeff Tate got some thrift store jeans that they finally found a decent use for Tracy's knit coasters that you can't put a drink on without worrying. It's going to fall over.

I mean, if your drink was taken a winter's nap, that would be a good, good tuck it in. So that's for a winter lager. You're saying it's more of a koozie material. Yeah. Well,

not necessarily a winter beer. And have a vice. And it's like a wee beer. It's more of a summer beer a hefeweizen is like a wee beer it's more of a summer beer like if you were going to set your beer on the burner of a stove on high that could probably keep it cold for a while but I don't see why you'd do

that it gets thick enough to maybe insulate against if you well what it is is it's a winter time cozy so you so you okay you don't want your drink to get too cold right have you ever been in that quandary where your drink is too cold and no you have tracy to thank for that you don't know what it's like doug to have a drink that's too cold what do you think killed my dad ice yeah they just they fucking banged down his doors

and he couldn't find his papers no you're right uh yeah it was uh his drinks were too cold and um that did it that's what the doctor said. The doctor actually, he called us into a room and he goes, has he been drinking, like, really cold drinks? I mean, no colder than usual, right, Doc? Man, we were really took.

I've been drinking nothing but room temperature cans of Lipton Brisk. Ever since the old man kicked it just trying to i hope it's not genetic anyway so thank you thanks for keeping our drinks from ever being too cold your dad uh weren't you just talking wasn't your dad like uh you have a similar thing where if uh he used to be a prick, but then when he got dementia, he forgot he was a prick or something like that? Oh, yeah, yeah. He was real mean forever until he stopped being able to think.

And then once he couldn't think anymore, he was just mean in spurts. Oh, that's what you were saying. He used to eat chicken fingers or chicken wings? Yeah. He used to eat chicken fingers or chicken wings. Yeah. There's a thing when you're dying where what you like gets narrower, like what you want to eat and what tastes good.

So he just stopped liking things. And then he ate chicken fingers every day for fucking two years or whatever. And then one day we bring him chicken fingers, and now he's fucking not only does he not like chicken fingers anymore he's mad about it that we brought him chicken fingers why would you ever think why would you ever think i wanted chicken fingers i i don't know man a precedent has been set that you like chicken fingers we didn't even we we don't even think you like good chicken fingers we're pretty sure you like bad chicken fingers. O'Charlie's does not have good chicken fingers. It should not be your preference.

Thank you, Miss Tracy, for the whiskey sour. And it was just that. Everything was a nightmare if it wasn't his idea. But that was how it was my whole life. But now in between that, in between those nightmares and blowups, he would be like real chill and not stay angry at the fucking chicken finger fiasco of three days ago. I'm waiting for that across the street. I'm taking care of not just this place and the cat but mother with dementia over there and

like she suckered me into uh well she asked yeah that's that's how you sucker me as you you say please i want i found these wing chairs that they're only 99 and i think they'd look good over by that couch all right yeah i'll pick those up for you and then then she'll stop ask now i want to get some yellow fringe or throw for these wing chairs like these wing chairs and now she wants me to build her a table but but she's like that with the food like i don't know how to do you built those chairs i don't know if she knows like the next day hobbler like like the green thumb oh no she's very uh old school uh uh you know thinking in that when she met bingo she said maybe your wife knows someone uh that does upholstery like and oh yeah it's 100 years ago in her mind yeah the lady of your house might know some lady things

exactly what she's like i told her bingo's gone for the summer now but i have to tell her every day yeah now she has no idea who's gonna bring her tampons i thought your wife was gonna go get my tampons she calls her bluey maybe you could ask bluey maybe i could or blue bell well that's a good thing because uh you know she still is aware of colors i used to take a my dad's site was going when i was taking care of him and i always put the newspaper in front of him and i go read whatever you can read and i could tell when his like after a while it's just the headlines. And then it was, yeah, then no more doing that. Oh, man, that's all I do now.

On the phone, I just look at the headlines and go, that's probably. Yeah, newser. Newser, that's all you need to do. Yeah. Unless it's fucking one of those. These are the 10 healthiest cities. All right. Why is that fucking two pages long? Right.

You just list 10 things. That's it. I know. Come on. Just because you got a bunch of fucking bike paths doesn't mean there's not a all right why is that fucking two pages long right you just list 10 things that's your i know come on just because you got a bunch of fucking bike paths doesn't mean there's not a carl's juniors everywhere charlotte i'm looking at you charlotte i'd be out of you charlotte i'd like to step in and uh correct a technicality uh in charlotte it would be hardy's true that's true what I meant to say was Dickie's like I meant to say barbecue really but like so much barbecue

that even like all the chains are there too I didn't think Charlotte was in any top 50 list of healthy yeah I don't know I just made that up like I'm just ripping it it's always fucking Denver and Honolulu I mean they can change it yeah right

denver it's like denver is always one of the healthiest cities because there's not enough air there for you to survive if you're not in the top 50 of health wise in the country like if all of houston moved to denver a million people would die in a week. In a fucking week. They would all just be face down trying to hike up a mountain. Purple. How do you guys do it? I don't know.

We, uh, anyway. Yeah, I'm always looking at him for break time because I was going somewhere, but I don't want to get. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, I was giving Doug shit about not reading the news or knowing anything about the news despite being on Twitter all day. And he says, yeah, well, the news doesn't at Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope. So,

at Doug Stanhope. The headlines don't hit up your mentions? They don't care about me. He was wondering why CoreCivic stock was down. Private prisons. I bought that stock. Yeah, I fucking started eating shit I should have sold. I was up like five.

I bought it at $19.45 or something, and it was up to almost $25. I should probably duck out of this joke. Now it's down to like 18 but she explained to me why and then gave me a bunch of business for not knowing that that was a thing which is what happened well why i was like a bunch of democrats trying to eliminate private prisons or something private uh immigrant detention see i don't need to read the news you hammer it into my head with a tone of disgust. Yeah, give him the bullet points.

Oh, well, I'm sorry about your... You want to buy some stock? I'm sorry about your stock, man. Well, I read that book, American Prison, by Shane Bauer, and he goes undercover. It's a fucking great book. And he goes undercover. It's a fucking great book.

And he goes undercover as a private prison guard for like six months, extended, maybe eight months. And then after he came out, of course, CoreCivic, the company shit their pants. Fuck, we had a fucking...

Doesn't anyone follow up on these applications? Because he was completely honest in his application. No one noticed that he was a... He was a journalist for Mother Jones magazine. On his application? They're so desperate. Like, fucking people leave there to work at McDonald's. Turnover so high.

Yeah, rural Alabama fucking prison guard how more depressing of a life can you imagine where you like prison your job is like the highlight it's like i don't want to go home give me let me work a double i mean when you think about it like that and then on top of everything they're making a ghostbusters with girls in it? Come on. My life is already terrible. And now you've done this to me? We're going to go to break and let Jeff Tate reflect on those comments and maybe come back a better person as we continue the Doug Stanhope podcast and...

The Alter Tates. Here's a friend, and I say friend even though I always think he hates me. Sword of Trust, starring Mark Maron as a cynical pawn shop owner who comes into possession of a sword that, to a network of deranged conspiracy theorists, proves the South really won the Civil War. Anchoring a hilarious ensemble of peak improv comics, including Jillian Bell, Michaela Watkins, John Bass, Toby Huss, and Dan Bacadal. Marin gives perhaps his best on-screen

performance to date, and what critics are already calling one of the best monologues of his career, as he and his ragtag cohorts try to take this seedy subculture for all it's worth and come out alive. From the award-winning director of Hump Day and Your Sister's Sister and featuring an original guitar score composed and performed by Marin, Sword of Trust finds not only humor but real humanity in a set of characters and circumstances just crazy enough to be true. Sword of Trust is now in theaters and on demand with Mark and director Lynn Shelton appearing at select screenings.

Visit swordoftrust.com for details. Watched it. Yeah. Liked it. I loved it. I saw it. We watched it yesterday. Yeah.

Jeff Tate, I hope this is not stealing from your Doug Loves Movies thunder no no no telling them about this movie no i'll tell them about this movie this movie is dope it was really funny the monologue that they're referencing was i would say the best of his career i don't remember a lot of monologues in his career is he monologue a lot i mean it's not as funny as some of the other much. Pretty much. He gives a set. Yeah. He's not doing one-liners. Well, I mean, but I meant like in movies. Is that like, is he like the go-to guy for a solid monologue?

He had that show that he did a lot of stuff. No, I wasn't trying to shit on him. I was genuinely like that. I don't know why you got so pissed at me. He's just a guy out there trying to get something done. I just want to chime in. I just want to be included, okay? I got a mic in front of me.

I got to say something sometime. It was great. It was a great it was a great movie and i i remember like i read this before we watched the movie and that line at the end of the read that goes uh just crazy enough to be true that's always like a red flag to me i'm like oh what kind of wacky shit is this and then i watched the movie and i forgot all about that and at the end i was like fuck i wonder if this could be true jeff was just outside talking about uh like how a lot of the dialogue or most of it is improv and he goes i i always thought of uh improv as comedy and meaning that there's the monologue

that he jeff is saying that that was so heartfelt that he probably meant it and it was improv but he said comedy as though as opposed to drama improv where it sounded like he was saying that improv is funny like no it's never funny no no no I get it's always

presented as if it will be in a comedic or it tries to right right right. I never, you rarely go to a playhouse in the park and see him, you know, cut loose. I wonder if that guitar riff by Marin, guitar score, I should say, is do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

To go with the improv theme. Like, I know he plays guitars. He has a total appreciation for guitars. And, like, he's jamming. I didn't see the credits. Was he part writer on that? I don't know, but... I don't know.

It did say that it was mostly improv. The movie itself was mostly improv. So, directed... Yeah, everyone gets writer's credit. I just came up with that on the fly. Fuck you. I want my money. Hey, the Uber driver had a suggestion.

The Uber driver always has a suggestion oh my god you can use this in your act oh man one time this guy told me he goes did i tell you about my cheddar cheese addiction it's mild and then i said damn you're a sharp white and he just we i just broke like it was too much for him he's not used to that yeah he's not used to and that that was what it's just like one of those where you realize oh yeah just like a regular that was improv i am i am preposterously funny to regular people, right? We all are because we hang around each other all the time, but those guys who just fucking drive their damn vans back and forth from the airport with their cheese joke, they've never seen anything like it.

So sort of trust, I guess. are we still doing the ad we've segued from segued from cool well i mean it's uh when was the last uh uber driver gave you a bit i was trying to back off because i mistakenly ate a cherry on the fucking podcast I didn't even see you do that I was just gonna say it so I could tell you mine and whatever we'll skip the part where that I wasn't gonna listen every leading question like that but you're not cracking a walnut Doug

it is a soft maraschino cherry that you could have just waited long enough he asked me a question while I was chewing and it's fucking gross to put into a microphone I can take the dead air out a guy told me here's a bit how come waitresses always say the same thing to every table all the time and i was like that's your bit what do you mean you gotta do this and it's a

premise yeah it's not it's not a bit also waitresses waitresses, when do you expect me to do this bit? Because we're already up to now, buddy. I don't know. When did you write this? Were you watching that Crystal Bernard show about hotel waitresses 50 years ago? And also the answer is because if you don't say the same thing every time, you're going to end up saying fuck a lot. if you don't say the same thing every time,

you're going to end up saying fuck a lot. That's. You want me to check the air filter? You're a waitress. Yeah, but I don't. I want to break it up. How is everything? Oh, right away, sir.

My pleasure. Oh, they're just following a script. They're like robots. pleasure oh they're just following a script they're like robots no they're not they're trying not to tell you to fuck go fuck yourself can i get some more ranch fuck no you motherfucker how dare you no you can't have more ranch no one should ever have more ranch than you my pleasure sir we're going into this uh just because you you were about to shout it out before the podcast oh yeah uh your your favorite andy andrist oh my andrew story is how when he's not a guest or on a competing podcast, he's the subject matter. The first time I met him was in Dayton at some goth bar.

Oh, yeah. That's the place we played, and we drew like fucking 11 people in this giant dance club, big ceiling. It was a dark, gothy dance bar. I don't know if Chaley was around. I don't think I was there. I was thinking it was early four walling days and that was a bust, a fucking heavy bust.

Well, there was way more than 11 people, but it looked like 11 that maybe there were mirrors. It was a, I mean, it was definitely haunted it was the room was all wrong for comedy and the room was like too scary for the goth stuff that was about to happen yeah it was it was it was a rave joint yeah and then uh so one in a town without ecstasy but it needs it most like the worst place that you would want to do comedy with big high ceilings yeah open and yeah oh they call weed ecstasy a date that's how bad day is so when you ask for ecstasy they give you weed you gotta ask for

what the fuck when did i die and go to heaven that's ecstasy that's what they call that what is this drug duty it makes you smile for what for like at six hours for thirty dollars yeah but why would you want to smile because you feel good how do you feel good does it more than one feeling it gives you enough energy to move why are we wasting it at a bar we could do this at a golden corral so that happened that show happened on like a tuesday and then a couple of days later y'all were in cincinnati and i was talking to andy before the show and I didn't know anything about anything yet about comedy or whatever this was when you didn't you asked Lisa Grigsby if the person who had that Magic Johnson joke could do the show that's what you told Lisa oh what was your magic johnson joke it was about uh well let's get back to the magic johnson joke um so it was before it was like right after we had met and it was just it was uh

and then i so i did the one in in cincinnati too and i was just making conversation with andy and was like uh so what happens you guys just go everywhere and they throw somebody like somebody from the town does stand up and he goes yeah they're all terrible and i was like all of them he goes they were all so bad there was only one good one dayton whoever that was and i was like what that was a couple days ago man that was like three days ago and it it was me. And he goes, well, whatever. Okay. So that's how we met. Oh, that was Andy. All right. Because that would be a me thing, too.

Oh, you would remember. That's a total Andy thing right there. I've done that. You're pretty good with comics, though. You'll remember names. But a lot of times, that's my opportunity to go smoke and i tell you watch this guy make sure he doesn't step on my dick yeah and this could be a lady too but generally ladies are not going to step on my dick material wise it's just a percentage thing playing the playing the numbers

on that she would probably not be doing anything that I'm doing. Dead kids jokes. Probably not. Well, if they are, it's theirs. Yeah. And you can't. Their kid. Like if they had a kid that died.

That's not really stepping on your bit. You're using what's called stolen valor. I've been using stolen valor a lot lately uh but uh so so what's the magic johnson joke out that he was i saw him on tv and he said that uh he mentioned that getting somehow it said the bad luck he got aids because of bad luck which is not true at all like he fucked everybody in the 80s that's when you got aids was in the 80s by fucking everybody and he did that and then he goes it's bad luck it's not like if you're speeding and you get pulled over and the cop gives you a ticket that's what happens when you speed but if you're speeding and you get pulled over and that cop gives you aids that's bad luck i'd hire him again right now

i haven't told that joke in years i can't wait you had a bit i'm not i won't uh like step all over it like you did olivia grace's bit earlier uh but you had a bit that you were doing in cincinnati that you kind of resuscitated and you go oh this bit is so old but no the fact that it is that old makes the bit and i'll just say pete townsend but yeah yeah yeah like no this is fucking perfect to do now and it's a i wrote a joke in 2003 that i lost my notebook until like like a year and a half ago and then i found it and that joke was in it and it works so much better now now it's yeah now when you see jeff tate where do they find your tour dates not that we're closing up but before i forget i they'll be on just another right now just another clown.com good

or twitter do you actually keep them up no i gotta i'll do that i'll do it for real like i don't have a lot of uh i got some dates in September coming up that I'll plug. But mostly I'm doing a lot of stuff with Cigar in the fall, like in August and September and October. So I don't put those on my website. He's the draw. Yeah. He puts you on there on his site, right, that you'll be opening?

I don't know. Yeah, don't sweat the details. Fuck, do we do that? Like Olivia Grace is on this tour that we have in September, October, and then probably in November. I've been getting some questions about that, and I've been replying that we don't have actual who's the support on the dates yet. But I'm saying Olivia Grace is on all of them. So on our website.

Wait, all of them? Yeah. I thought Kristen Becker was on them. Kristen Becker is going to double up with her on some. All right. Well, I'll let Hennigan know. Yeah. I told Hennigan.

They're not on. All right. We don't ever list support. We should, is what I'm saying, because we used to, and now we should, but just for exposure. I get it. Was it you I told? Someone.

Anyone that works with me. If you're putting it on your fucking bio you don't need to anymore but she's a kid don't say you open for you say worked with yeah you did tell me that a few times because i would put it on my website yeah because you do a fucking spot at the comedy store open mic and then fucking dice clay decides he wants to do fucking three hours and bumps everyone while everyone before him goes oh i'm gonna put this on i opened for dice clay right worked with that's why when you go to brown paper tickets of which you've been with them for years now you type in doug stanhope someone who hosted one show will put hosted for Doug Stanhope at a one-off that you had nothing to do with you just

showed up and I don't and then their dates come up not your date their dates come up because now they're working some other club and uh it's it's hard to delineate when that's I don't give a shit I don't begrudge anyone who does that and puts the dice clay just because he happened to go up later in a fucking showcase show. Yeah, you should use it when you're starting out. You use any kind of fucking credit you can get. I just want, like, yeah, use a legit, has toured with. Yeah, toured with is better than worked with. Yeah, toured with.

I'll give you his number. I put on my website, it says I fucking got his number. Don't come at me. Don't come at me. Some of those bridges I'd already burned myself. Stroop wasn't going to book me before I met him. When I knew I was going to open for you in Vegas, I put that I was opening

for you in Vegas on my website at the end of my list of tour dates just because I knew it was going to help kind of book the rest of it where I could go, hey, look at the rest of my tour dates. Good. That's smart. I was just saying, you have this number, not

this number. Right, right, right. No, I know this number, not this number. Right, right, right. No, I know. What? Oh, sorry. This was off the link. Yeah, sorry. The clicky noise you hear is when Doug puts his phone on top of a wire that's connected to a microphone.

The irony is that if you're looking up Digging Up Mother on Audible, I don't know if on Amazon, but definitely on Audible, Johnny Depp's name is so all over it that you think Johnny Depp wrote it and uh I'm sure that was just an accident yeah I'm sure the publishers had nothing to do with that little fucking flip of the oh yeah we'll fix that someday i know a couple of dudes that put netflix logos on their specials that got onto netflix but not as a netflix special and then they still did that and then like after a while netflix was like no you can't like and now it's different artwork but they did try to even scam the fuck like you you got your thing on netflix already why are you trying to why are you trying to get more i love that that's kind of a fun scam yeah but not when you're not good be better than me that's all you got to do and none of them are

the what what are we talking about we're gonna yeah i think we i think we were somewhere we were going somewhere oh opening magic johnson hey if you want to give it oh that's gonna plug you because valentina i've been plugging homestretch and whatnot here uh and i'm happy to spend the summer and i'm happy to plug that but valentina is here and she actually works for the Florence Project helping illegal immigrants with mental illness

that are currently being detained as ISIS fucking raiding places. And yeah, the hierarchy, not to ever down the homestretch, but yeah, we definitely have to plug. How do people donate to Florence Project?

FERP.org is the best way to donate or get involved if you can translate things and offer any kind of help or time. time um but do look up uh your rights um and if you can tweet you know know your rights in english and spanish so that people know because that's probably the best defense right now um and videotape your interactions with um law enforcement officials um and i think that can keep people a lot of people out of detention also doug's just doing this because he feels guilty because i asked him to retweet a know your rights uh graphic and i woke up this morning looking for it and it was like buried in his replies and i told him that i knew it wasn't women's cycling but that it was important i tried to retweet with comment but i accidentally hit reply instead of morgan actually did it so she's my favorite comic after andy andrews oh wow you say that right in front of jeff tate wow she's never cold hard to stand up but she's

seen andy do some of your bits so that'll launch them right up the fucking list. And FERP.org is on the show notes, and they have been ever since you came on to... Thank you so much, Shelley. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How do you spell it? V-E-R-P? F-I-R-R-P.org.

The Florence Project. Did you want to do that again in Spanish? Way off. F-I-R-R-P punto org. Call me a punto. Er is punto. We know each other well enough, I think. I don't have to go with the formal usted.

But, I mean, if you must, usted es punto. Other people are going to get that joke. Don't worry, Doug. Not me either. I don't even know. It makes absolute sense. Nice. Can we talk about how far off I was on what that fucking website

was I heard verp too I thought maybe she was gonna be like no it's VRP I thought it was V double RP

and then I even said Florence Project so yeah but it's I F I F I R

double R so it's rolled without you having to roll it. There's two R's there. But if you're using a Spanish keyboard you'd soil your pants.

If you're using a Spanish keyboard you could hit the double R button, right? Like the double R key. You just made a lot of money. How did I do that? When you pitched that on shark tank oh shark tank yeah i'm gonna pitch that keyboard on shark tank we're gonna transition now into the shark tank podcast oh man would i die for that did you see that manta ray point at those

divers it'd be like hell my eyeball got a thing in it? No! It was on the BBC. Is it a series? No, it was a tweet that went out. Viral. At Doug Stanhope. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The manta ray had a...

It was wearing a... A fishhook was caught near its eye. Near its eye. And he gestured... He was wearing a fish hook. Yes. A fish hook was in its eye. Near its eye. Near its eye. And he gestured. He was wearing a booze bags hoodie. So it might get tweeted at you. But he gestured at his eye somehow as a manta ray.

It made it look like he was saying, hey, will you get this out of my face? And someone get it out of their face? I mean, I stopped watching. I get real scared of my face. And someone get it out of their face? I mean, I stop watching. I get real scared when I think the animals are getting a little too big for their britches. But I start getting nervous.

Next thing we know, they're going to have ideas about what we could put in our eyes. That's how it goes. The minute you go, hey, can you get rid of this then you go you know what no one should have these what was it a mouse that pulled a thorn out of a tiger's yeah but that's not true fake story yeah well that was before twitter it was in the bible

so it's probably true doug or a lot of people believe it's true, and they vote and stuff, and we're not allowed to laugh at it. Maybe it's like that was in the Bible, and it was true, and then it's like based on a true story. They wrote all the fiction in the Bible around one little nugget of truth. then you have to go to hollywood

hollywood to history.com do you know do you know what that one little the it was all good lies based on a truth and the one truth in the bible is that zacchaeus was short as fuck that's everything bases off of that. Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he. Everything stems from that. But the one thing that historians all agree is true. Zacchaeus, short as fuck. Like, creepy short.

Like, how are you not wobbly? You're like just a little. You're just a touch above wobbly. Did the Philippines exist in the Bible? No, no, the Philippines did not exist. The Philistines. Oh, well, they're all tiny either way. It's Philistine, Brian.

Philistine. It's Brian. Oh, right. The Brian Regan, everyone's favorite. He's got a joke about a lady named caroline it's caroline brian it's brian uh yeah brian reagan brian reagan and i have a kind of uh yeah it's a a segregation that still exists in the south kind of relationship or oh yeah you need some of his fans bus to your shows no need to finish my sentence man

I didn't want to take your bit you finished it perfectly you're the guy that comes in after the subcontractor I don't want to take your bit. You finished it perfectly. I just created it. You're the guy that comes in after the subcontractors are starting to fuck it up and then made everything right. Nice. Homes on homes.

Hey, we're supposed to go over there. You're welcome. Glad I could stop by today before you really... Oh, you locked everything in already? All right, I won't tell nobody. How are you getting home? Oh, I'm going to take an Uber to the airport, and then the rest is up to God.

I have a flight tomorrow at noon. Do you really not have a credit card? Yeah, no, I don't have a credit card. Do you really not have a credit card? Yeah, no, I don't have a credit card. I got to get you a credit card. Why do I need a... I like to use my bank card. I like to... I don't have enough money or prospects

to go around spending stuff I don't have. Yeah, no, this was... But like, how do you... Oh, yeah, well, okay, a bank card you can check in but you were talking about fucking rental cars and who fucked you over so we can shit on that company oh well enterprise but it was like i got you know it was kind of a misunderstanding i probably lost my cool a little bit i mean i feel like five years is a long time to be on the do not rent list like i've learned my lesson but uh you know i i'm not gonna go rent from them anyway i got a nice relation relationship with uh

the avis the budget avis office for some reason everybody that works there is like australian or something there's always the fucking neil was there for a long time and now it's uh i think her name is britney oh i'm gonna introduce you to the people at dollar tree i know giselle and shane and lonnie the manager but it's good to be a rental cars or dollar stores it's good to be you know where everybody knows you have you seen that show cheers yeah cheers yeah though we're about to get to my portion of this podcast and we'll talk about it i like walking in and having them know immediately where they're like we got that four focus or no four folk like they know that that's what i want like don't fuck around if you got a four focus and my name shows up you keep it because that's

what i want and then they gave me a volkswagen passat the last time no thank you two thumbs down wait where is this where are you renting cars as a regular i don't uh drive them i don't like to drive that much so if i got a big long ride or whatever oh you okay you rented from cincinnati yeah when i rent a home yeah That'd be very weird to be a regular at a rental car place. I mean, you're a regular at car dealerships. Well, we've been over this. I know you don't listen to the podcast anymore. You know airport bartenders by name.

There's a way to be a regular at a place that most people are not regulars at. Yeah, but you're flying out of that airport all the time you being no whenever these are all road gigs from sensi that i don't want to fly that makes all right that makes sense i don't like uh um i don't i don't really have a car i don't really like to drive i had a deer like three years ago and i've been real fucking skittish ever since. God damn it. This is one of those. I already tell this on a podcast.

Well, you haven't told it on mine. Yeah. All right. There you go. You sold me. I hit a deer in Hennigan's car. I was driving his rental from Sierra Vista back to Bisbee. Noontime.

Nice day. And before the tunnel going up that hill, a fucking deer came out and I hit his hind quarter hard and it spun and then kept racing off into the desert, into the scrub. It's worse than killing a deer to think maybe I injured him so badly that he's going to be slowly dying for fucking a week out there, but you can't track it. I'm not fucking...

I got no engine blood. I think that's... Are you talking about oil? Like motor oil? What? I'm going to keep making it more specific until he gets it. Blood of the engine? Engine oil? Oh, I get you all right sorry i'm not honestly it's it's uh i don't think i think even you could attract that deer

it was probably behind bush number one no it was still sprinting I'm sure it had a limp in it. Probably a trail of blood. Again, it was just the hiding corner. I almost missed it. It almost got past me. It was probably bleeding from the ass, but hey, that could be anyone. He could attract you. Dear whore. It was one of those don't pick up hitchhiker areas.

You never know where it got it from. But it sucked to a flock of them well hang on this sucked because now i all i can imagine is this deer is gonna fucking die from a broken hip because it can't lean down and get water or whatever and i said to hennigan i go this is gonna fucking ruin my entire day i'm just gonna fixate on this deer is dying and it's my fault there's nothing i could do to and uh this is six miles from bisbee and we stop at the thrift store before i get to the house and we pull in and i walk to the door and hen again goes to the front of the rental car and he's standing there i go what are you doing you come coming in and he goes i'm looking for the damage.

And I went, oh, fuck, that's right. We hit a deer. Within six miles, what was going to ruin my day was completely gone. I wonder if they've got new socks. So go to your flock. Oh, yeah. I drove into a flock. A fucking whole flock of them raced out in the middle of a street and i just i covered my face and ducked and hit the brakes and i thought i

was gonna hit a bunch of deer and then i only hit one bambi fucking head and it like with my side mirror and i heard the antlers bang against the windows and then that was it for me and driving i don't ever want to hear that noise again and the deer but then that deer wasn't on the street it was gone like but how is it still like it's dead for sure on the bright side with that deer that you have afford focus the the mirrors fold in if i had to ask for a one i probably could have uh limboed under it if it was a four focus i would have hit the we're about to hit hit a flock of deer button and it would have prepared it prepares you it has a shell over like deer flock mode oh yeah right a fucking one of those

scraper things in front of a locomotive comes up a cow catcher yeah a cow catcher pops up your windows get a little more tinted and heavier your mirrors fold in your windscreen your windshield becomes video of a time you're driving when there weren't deer around

green screened up there for your pleasure. Green screened up a clear road. And then your mom's list. Parking lot on a Sunday where you learn to drive. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a real nice feature. But last time I had to get to Passat,

and they don't have anything for if you're about to hit deer. Yeah, that's why I bought a green ford focus recently those are dope cars i'm trying to they're nice all the buttons are where you think they're going to be have you never driven a four focus no she's giving me shit about being a regular at a car dealer because i got a little mannequin well i'm just i'm throwing jokes your way Yeah I mean that's on a tee Tate loves the transit Doug How many cars have you bought in the last year? Wait In the last year

You're talking the last three weeks Okay Go ahead But I only Yeah The fact that that's an issue Was three but But there were

Two of them were traded So I replaced two Yeah He's aware Yeah He was just staying at the house while you were out here, but he loves the Transit, and that's why we drove that. Oh, yeah.

Besides the Ford Focus, obviously. I like the Ford Transit as a road car. That's like my dream car for doing comedy. The back of it is shit. That's what I heard, Shaley. It takes four steps to make the seats go down. Yeah, and otherwise, you're stacking your luggage. You could go up to the ceiling if you can balance it,

but otherwise it's one bag deep. Three people. I just mean for three people. You don't want to actually try to fill that van. No, you can do four. Four is very comfortable. Or you take out the back row. Take out the back row or stack your shit on those back seats

because only dwarves can sit there. Speaking of that, that's a guy I want to get back on the road in a limited fashion. Oh, no, that's a guy from the Bible. He's real, but he's dead. But he gets in the back. He's busy. What was his fucking kid's name?

Someone just tweeted me a picture. That was at the sandwich shop yeah he was just graduating from college yeah and he's like he's like Stephen Hawking little tiny body

he's not a dwarf he just it wasn't a person kind of thing you know like a Stephen Hawking where he's all all bunched up kind of yeah

I don't know what the fucking disease was but some hot chick posted a picture of me with her and like hey you gotta come back and make this happen again and all i did was look at her and then look down and go oh i gotta get that kid back on the road because he's in the picture all right i know i'm hot chick yeah that kid's got the it's that disease where when where you push the button and all the tension goes away the toy where you're pushing the bottom and all the uh the elastic loses and he was born without bones the doug flutie's yes yeah this is my boy wacky he was born without bones I almost did that as Dave Attell

that's my old bit this is my boy wacky he was born without bones yeah there's a lot of good we came up Aurora Borealis is a good one for Dave Attell voice oh yeah well yeah I forget this game started you started it and then Yeah, there's a lot of good. We came up, Aurora Borealis is a good one for a David Tell voice. Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah. I forget this game started. You started it and then it ended because you left. Proprietary. I don't care for iTunes. It's proprietary. Jeff Tate was doing this. He goes, yeah, David Tell works best in five syllables. I just just figured out his uh oh yeah i broke it down

i saw the i see the matrix and david tell it's just it's into the word apothecary and uh everybody everybody here's a million dollars all right so welcome to altered tates here's my question for you doug all right three questions um have have you ever met what's the coolest name someone has ever told you was their name like when you met a person and they said their name and you were like wow that's a fucking i've got it uh in fact that's how i know him because because I emailed him. He used to write for Reason Magazine, and then he moved on to HuffPo. Now I think maybe even Washington Post. And I emailed him, hey, I love your work, but more so, I love your name, Radley Balco.

Radley Balco. Radley Balco. I wish I had that name. I had this long email about that's a superhero's name yeah that's a good name radley that is i would never i i guessed it was going to be uh maximus oh maximus yes touch with that was a i got the same customer service guy or two guys that picked the same weird name out of a indian call center training manual right my, right. My name is Maximus. How may I help you?

And I'm like, come on. There's no way your name is Maximus. And I just, and then when I got him again, I go, no, Maximus. Like months later. Yeah, yeah. Maximus, no. Remember me?

You forgot why you called because you kept asking him personal things. But this Radley Balco, now I'm going to check this guy out like he wrote the rise of the uh the rise of the machines terminator rise of the machine no no rise of the warrior cop i believe it's called i think that's it yeah but it's a you know not to the funhouse oh it's yeah rise of the warrior cop yeah it's about like he like his police abuses his militarization of yeah that sort of thing yeah in fact that's the under carriage of the title is the militarization of america's police forces the undercarriage of the title is where i really like the plan the rocker bar

what's the next question okay when i say uh for the record my favorite spanish name to use in any situation where you need just a name of a hypothetical person is joaquin joaquin yeah yeah joaquin in memphis and that's his name i just pictured it with a and his middle initial memphis was his last name walking in memphis attorney at law were you injured did you fall 10 feet off a bill what were you telling us uh duke's a hazard you said it for a 10-year period oh yeah for about 10 years of my life the first

10 years i was aware of the confederate flag as a design i thought it was specifically related only to the dukes of hazard i did not know it existed outside of that show i thought if there was i thought if it was related to anything it would be uh pepsi free that was about the same time the same colors and then i know what you're thinking but the car was called generally how'd you put that together in your brain i was five i thought it was funny that it was two words that made up the one word generally i thought they were just being funny about it but in a not so funny way which is this is kind of like that uh uh commonly uh mistaken uh song lyrics but this would be jeff tate's commonly fucked up things i thought when i was five it's like a punk rock name that you don't even really

think about till later like i never thought about it till later like i found out like five years ago that caramel doesn't come out of trees i thought it came out of trees like syrup and it's not that crazy i mean rubber comes from trees like gum comes from trees gum comes from trees cocaine comes from trees it doesn't jerry's she's from columbia and she'd like to uh no i'm there oh who knew the advocate would would know everything she's never done cocaine odd uh but olivia grace to my left and it comes from a tree you know how i know i'm allergic to tree nuts and uh i can't do cocaine anymore. My nose breaks out and bleeds. I break out and I get an allergic reaction down the back of my throat.

So my next question is when I say... I don't know how far you're going to go. I don't know if you're going to go into every hackneyed one. I tried cocaine once for four years. Right. Attell had the best. Working there three years, still not a system manager. But Attell had the great one where he goes, I used to do drugs, but that was all the way back there and points to the green room. Damn, I'll have to stop doing that

everyone's gonna know it's a david tell bit i thought he moved to africa but that was dave yeah david david tell uh uh just dismissed his $50 a year money he's making from Dave's old porn. He said, I don't care how much you're offering me for this. I'm going to Africa. People are laughing for the wrong reasons. My next question is about Cheers. What do you

think of when I say Cheers? Is there an episode do you think of when i say cheers is there an episode that you think of or a person what's your no i the theme song yeah one of the best theme songs of all time it just actually came up in the last week or so with someone and they said yeah that's like the best you know tv theme song and i said yes and I Bill Bixby Courtship of Eddie's Father People let me tell you about my best friend Ask your computer lady

That's the courtship of Eddie's father, yeah People let me tell you about my best friend I only know that from He's a warm hearted person who loves me till the end Or when it's been spoofed

He's my one joy my cuddly toy my down my pride and joy people let me tell you about him he's so much fun whether we're talking man to man or whether we're talking son to son because he's my best friend i cut all that out i can't sing it so they can't sue me. Because you did it poorly? Yes. You think all this time it's been some handicap? I do it on purpose so we can cut the law. That's why I have an attorney present when I sing. Me too.

Let's ask her. I am not offering Doug Stanhope any legal advice in any form whatsoever. She is blinking her eyes and tapping her shoe to a certain rhythm. Slit the throat sign. People let me tell you about my best friend. It's from something. I remember that from something else, but it's going to drive me crazy. It's probably a commercial. Is that John Sebastian?

It's Harry Nilsson. It's Harry Nilsson? Yeah. Really? The lime and the coconut guy? Oh, no. God, no. I hope not. Yeah Really? The lime and the coconut guy? Oh no God no I hope not

Harry Nilsson I know there's a Netflix documentary That always shows up And I have never watched it And it never seems interesting It is He wrote a ton of songs Yeah

He didn't perform a lot Heavy His songs were very heavy He did a lot of printing in iron That's why his songs are weighed He didn't perform a lot, but he... Heavy. His songs were very heavy. He did a lot of printing in iron. That's why his songs are weighed. Anyway, so you just like that theme song? That's your favorite theme song of Courtship of Eddie's Father.

Oh, wait. No, Cheers. Cheers was one of the best ones ever. Oh, no, I'm saying when you... It really does set the tone. Yeah, when you say Cheers, that's what I think of. Awesome. And then now the same thing is, do you have a specific link in your head to any Tom Petty thing?

Tom Petty song? I guess Six Degrees of Separation? No, just is there a song or a Tom Petty thing? Do you have a Tom Petty story from your life? Is there a standout moment when you heard a song or a tom petty thing that like do you have a tom petty story from your life is there a standout moment when i mean i've heard a song everybody uh american girl and yeah and then when i've 441 you go oh fuck i just crossed this 441 i'm on it in florida oh 441 like waves crashing on a beach uh yeah it's a one- Yeah, I took the exit.

One Story Town, is that the name of the album? That's the name of a song, Long After Dark. Long After Dark, Spike. That song, you know Spike? Yeah, Spike. That's one of my favorite deep tracks. With the dog collar, Boise guys. Like the other one.

Dog collar on. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I don't know that song. Well, those are... And Born a Rebel is on that album, too. Yeah, Rebel is on... I was born a rebel.

Yeah. Down in Dixie. See, these are exactly what I was hoping for. I gotta figure out how to ask the question. I'm just gonna sing everything while waiting for fucking Chaley to go, what's top? Smash this recorder.

But I'll just talk. American Girl's also in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Right. Have you talk. No, we, I American girls also in fast times, Ridgemont high. Right. And have you seen that yet? Olivia didn't think so. Silence of the lambs. What?

It's in silence of the lambs. Yeah. It's a, yeah, it's in there. Buffalo bill likes it. It's dancing. I think.

No, no, that's a dead horse. That song's about cowboys. That one's a little on the nose, if you ask me. Right? You're going to tuck your balls back there and then play the creepiest song about tucking your balls behind your thing? Come on.

Just play a different song. Doug, just so you know, I've been with Tate for the last three days, four days. And it is so fun watching movies with him. It is. He knows fucking everything about, because he's always studying for Douglas movies. I'm not studying. It's your passion.

So it's really, it's a real good segue. Most people like to watch movies by themselves, but. No, but if you have a question, like in a sort of trust, I'm like, who's this person? Like, because I'm just looking at the actresses and actors on there. And he goes, oh, you know this person. And he knows exactly who they are. It's great. And it's flexing his muscle.

Because he's really good at that. But I can also not, like, if you don't have any questions, I'm not just going to start offering up answers. No, no. Unless there's something really cool that's coming up and then I do this. I have to fucking have the pause button because i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna give i like directors cut any movie i like to no go ahead no i want to hear what you're gonna say do you um use the criterion

collection now they have like a criterion channel do you know about this i don't the only i only have the one great movie the one criterion movie armageddon okay it's the only one i have i think the rest are a waste of time okay no i mean i mean the criterion collection is like a streaming site with all the movies from that they've released right not not all before the yes yes, yes and no. The Criterion Collection essentially is this kind of, okay, we consider these movies good enough to, you know. It's not one production house. Exactly, exactly. It's a list, a top 100 list.

Exactly. So then they put them out as Criterion Collection movies and you can like pretty confidently be like, okay, this is, you know, a solid movie. And before they had the Criterion Collection movies on Hulu. They had some of them. And then they made something called Filmstruck, which went under. So now they came out with the Criterion Channel, and it has all the director's cut stuff.

They'll take a director and release five of their movies and then have whoever talking about it. It has a lot of extra features and it's fun. You know, in Criterion, in us in women's cycling, we call that a crit. But go ahead, Jeff. That sounds racist. Why? I mean, it definitely doesn't sound right

the armageddon one for some reason is they like forced it there was some some other movie that they wanted to put it make a criterion collection out of and the and the uh yeah the the studio was like you can do that if you also make one for armageddon. And so there's a commentary track on that one that is of just NASA people. That's fun. I mean, I don't know if they had those NASA people do any other commentaries, but I'd like to see if they did some of those old Japanese movies, too, if they were just like, you want us to run through four or five of these? I mean, we're here.

We're smart. They should have world star videos that have just the fighters, the people fighting in the parking lot doing commentary. She pulled my weave! I would like to go find out if any of the people that got there that got fucking trounced and kimbo slices backyard ever learned to walk again like before that guy fought mma and he would just yard fight people would drive down to miami and he would just like filo beto and uh yeah he just every which way walk out them. And then they'd carry a fucking bloody carcass.

Yeah, until he got fucking beat by that Boston cop. And there was some hinky shit in that long fight he did in a basement. I think it was a Boston pig. Whoa, whoa. Are you sure it wasn't a composite of several Boston police officers played by Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, he also lost his first UFC fight real fast. Yeah, he lost a lot of those where we're rooting

for him just because we knew him from YouTube. Yeah. Who's the first guy from YouTube I ever saw make it? Second was bo burnham i was like it was like kimbo slice bo burnham now it's everybody's from youtube but back then it was a lot of it was a big tougher racket you either had to be a really tall kid who was good at the piano or you had to be a fucking monster who would beat the fuck out of anybody in his yard that was was it. I just, that kid that died,

is it a Disney kid that died at 20? And I like, he was trending. Yeah, this week, last week, whatever, we're a weekend. And it was trending. So I look up that he's dead and I don't know who it is. But first thing I see

when I click on a YouTube video of him and he's doing this, he looks like that uh what's that douchebag magician on true tv the one justin marinara carbonero effect justin carbonaro michael carbonaro whatever this is just he looks like that kind of douchey chicken tiki marsala that's his name he does a lot of close-up stuff he's he's doing that fucking douchebag dancing that's not breaking and popping anymore but doing just like hands yeah just this stupid fucking like oh i hate you and i wanted to tweet how like that video and how

it's good to know someone died at 20 that does this shit. And then it turns out he died of, like, fucking epileptic seizure or something. I assumed it was a drug thing at 20. He actually died from doing that. I always think about Borat or whatever. What is it about ecstasy that makes you dance like a prick? Olly G. Yeah, he's doing that kind of ecstasy rave dancing where he's not really moving

except for being a shithead with his hands. When they unrolled his tongue, it was my card. I'm sorry. Am I the only one not getting him at all but still laughing? He's mixing up the Carbonaro effect guy with your Disney guy. Oh. Right when they found him and unrolled his tongue. There was an eight of diamonds.

How did he do that? I got to say, I think you went too far with it, but I'm impressed. Four stars. Can't recommend. Olivia, you do your three questions? I don't have any. Oh, I thought it was, who's your favorite guy on Shark Tank?

Oh, yeah. Well, Robert Herjavec is the hottest, but Mark Cuban gives the best advice. And Val, you? I learned the most from Mark Cuban, and I appreciate him. Yeah. Which one of the Shark Tank people

seems the most socially responsible? You guys seem pretty left-leaning. I don't know. Hurt you back. Hurt you back, yeah. Well, he seems very, like, just, like, a very sweet person. Genuinely.

Like, a genuine person. He freaks out for puppies. I mean, if they bring dogs and kids out, he's a total sucker for it. And then they even have him sitting all the way on the side so that he can jump out. The easiest access to cute things. I mean, really. I love how we started talking and everyone's walking away. They needed us to hold the mics.

Are they just, no, Jelly's just going to cut it out. I feel like kind of guilty because we were talking about Shark Tank for an extended period of time and we went through almost everyone, including the tech guy that doesn't come on much. And it was a couple of hours before we came back to it and realized that we hadn't mentioned and that was like the whole highlight. Oh my gosh, yeah. Oh, this is not at all relevant to Doug's fan base. I know they said they went to the mall with matching outfits as children. But this is a good springboard for our Shark Tank podcast. That we just started while you people were being bums, smoking outside like bums.

We got work done. You know what, Leah? Talking about people who do work doesn't mean you did work but also thank you for that um my listeners are gonna love it for sure right now olivia and valentina will be doing the shark tank podcast the patreon is doing better than ours the Shark Tank podcast. The Patreon is doing better than ours. Because Mark Cuban picked up on

the Shark Tank podcast. Oh my gosh. I bet we could find a way to call him. Have Doug's intern do it. Alright. Uh oh. Now you guys are going to have Mark Cuban on the first episode yeah he's kind of like uh like kathy griffin was he was on everything yeah he was he shows up he

he does cameos in a lot of stuff like as him yeah you know he seems like the of all the people in charge of basketball teams, I would say he seems the most like he would already be a fan of yours. He's like a latter-day Red Aero back. I mean, yeah, I guess. Probably less racist. How could he not be? Well, his name's Red. Red. Red's a racist

yeah well and he was in Boston that's why they changed it to Ginger they rebranded trying to make it something everybody likes turns out wrong again

racist or Marianne yeah we're wrapping this up. I mean, I don't even know if this end part is going to... We spent way too long letting them talk. I can do it with that thing where I have the harp. No, just speed it up. Oh, yeah. I can speed it up, too. Yeah.

And I like Mark Cuban. And then men are talking. Production meeting's over. There's a restaurant. Olivia and Val could have that podcast. Men are talking. I honestly, I feel disrespected in multiple ways.

You look the part. She sounds the part. You have to have conflict. Right? That's how you get clicks. Every good buddy movie has a central conflict. Much like that. That's exactly where they get their attention in Midnight Run.

We want respect, but we have boobs. Is that central conflict? Oh, no. It was the one look like a man and the other one talk like a man. Midnight run? Improv. See, it's not

even supposed to be funny. It's your fault for ever thinking it was going to be funny. Thank you. Thank you all, especially Patreon guests. Lena sent me a book of mocktails well you know sometimes i'm drinking cocktails too but that was very nice and i don't know what else has shown up at the house but thank you for all the thanks for all the shit 212 van dyke

street bisbee arizona 85603 that's where you can send weird shit to we love weird shit uh thank you uh valentina you probably don't want to be a last name on this one olivia grace will be with us for the entire tour and more so jeff tate always jumps in and out of our lives you can find him at justanotherclown.com. Justanotherclown.com. At Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. So hard for you to spell. Greg Chaley, at on Twitter. And I am at Doug Stanhope. So send me the news.

And don't forget, Tate will be on tour. Yeah, I got my own dates coming up in September. And thanks for being on Alter Tates. Doug, somebody here, when we're done, tell me what Patreon is. That'd be tight. Shaley's tried to explain it to me, and I just... Well, I looked at Shaley when I said it, that's why. I figured it wasn't going to be...

I figured you weren't going to be the one that explained it to me. I think people just give you money, so you don't have to fucking tell them about some dumb shit they don't want okay i'm still going to tell you about dumb shit you don't want but i'm going to make it stuff that i'd actually use or and like which we've been pretty good about but sometimes it's uh well all right this is something chaley or chad or someone uses and then they get upset that i'm not talking about it i don't smoke fucking weed so like I don't do these things. I don't print.

I don't know anything about building websites. And they're not happy enough with it. Someone on the fucking cast knows about it. All right. We're going to fucking change some rules. And in the meantime, fuck you. No, the people don't fucking chuck a buck a fucking month. Come on.

Can we give them some VIP card or a code where if they're a Patreon subscriber? Hey, you send me a dumb email. I want to do comedy. Do you have any advice? Not unless you have the fucking code, motherfucker. Oh, the Patreon code? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, if you'll do that for me. All right. This is a business conversation we shouldn't have on the air. All right. I thought you were talking to him. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you'll do that for me. All right. This is a business conversation we shouldn't have on the air. All right. I thought you were talking to him. Oh, sorry. He's going to join Patreon so he can get some advice from you about comedy. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Thank you for listening. Everything's good. Enjoy your summer. Do you want to sign off? How did you sign off? I did already. Okay. Thank you.