The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#324: Goodbye Uncle Randy and a Letter Arrives

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

Doug gets the last update on Chad's Uncle Randy, Charles attempt to bring the collective energy, and an important sounding letter arrives.Doug is no longer permitted at the following properties - Bally's (except Bally's Tunica), Blue Grass Downs, Caesar's, The Cromwell, Flamingo, Harrah's, Harvey's, Horseshoe, Hot Post Oasis, Paris Las Vegas, Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino, Rio All Suite Hotel and Casino, The Link Hotel and Casino, Thistle Down Racino, and Tunica Roadhouse.Thanks to all of the listeners who have supported the podcast by subscribing to our Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Join at any level and you will receive bonus podcast each month. Any level of support helps and is much appreciated. The bonus podcasts will only be available to those who have subscribed through Patreon. Thanks in advance.Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded July 20th, 2019 at the HomeStretch House in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Javelina, Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), Charles the Intern (@CharlesCarter81), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Manscaped (https://www.manscaped.com/) - Manscaped (https://www.manscaped.com/) is #1 in men’s below the belt grooming and offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with promo code STANHOPE at Manscaped.com (https://www.manscaped.com/) .www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. my daughter keeps painting them, and I just don't bite them for whatever reason. Even though I do out of habit all the time, they're getting long as shit. Dude, this has been my entire life. So I need to paint my nails. I bite my nails all the time. I keep mine intentionally. Hey, I have some Dollar Tree nail polish, and we do have an Asian lady. Just saying. This party could get weird.

You have a lot to cut? Hello, welcome. I really was going to go like, who's Asian? What are you talking about? I actually was thinking that too, but I was like, I don't want to. I knew I would figure it out eventually so I stayed quiet hmm who's brown

yeah sorry Jenny come on come on Jenny go get on a mic and give us your nail nail salon voice oh honey Get on a mic and give us your nail salon voice. Oh, honey, here, I go do your nails. So you pick up handsome men, huh? I'm sold.

For the listener, she is Asian, so it's completely okay to do that. What's funny is when she talks on the phone with her mom, she starts picking up that accent. I make fun of her the whole time. Yes, our nail ladies at Queen Nails by Mindy. A lot of fun. I think they're Vietnamese. Anyway, we're here with everybody. It's Tracy's birthday weekend.

Chaley Tracy, Olivia Grace, Chad Shank, Charlie the intern, IE Chuck or AKA Chuck, depending on what you like. Tracy Javelina, Julie C Bubbles is here. Yeah. And I don't know where to start. I guess Caesar's Palace. We can start there. What's your uncle's name? Randy.

Randy. Well, he doesn't really have a name anymore. Do you have a name if you can't answer to it? I don't know how much we filled people in last podcast about uncle randy yeah well i found out some other things when i was visiting he was on hospice care and uh supposed to go like a week and then he went about 12 after that and he was talking to me and he was telling me he was one of the things he wanted to do was come and podcast he's got a bunch of stories and he would listen to the podcast he wanted to come and i told him i go well sometime we'll set it up and we never got around to it i just

want to preface this with last night uh chaley and tracy were up in phoenix for her birthday weekend getting fucking plowed so i did a mass text to charlie the intern and chad the three cheeses i call you chad charlie chaley three cheese dip uh and chad at some point we're all going back and forth hammered in the middle of the night about delaying this podcast till as late as possible because i knew everyone's going to be in rough shape and uh then chad chimes in with hey can you guys fucking let me sleep for God's sakes? And then I said something smart, fuck you back. Like, okay, yeah, I'm going to go to bed with my phone on next to me and keep being annoyed. And Chad comes back, my uncle's fucking dying.

I have to wait for a text to see if he's hoping he's dead. I was supposed to start night shift next week. So it worked out well for me that I got the phone call this morning. It worked out well for him. I'm not being that. He was an irreverent fellow himself, but he's been in rough shape for several weeks. My family is good intentioned, but they're not well read.

Here's one more thing. After you did that, Charlie the intern fucking chimes in with one more tweet because he didn't have your number. He thought we were fucking with Julie Se he didn't have your number he thought we were fucking with julie yeah i know i thought we were fucking with the hollywood person and i was like fuck him like dude like i was like well you're he blanched today when he found out it was you oh my god i've fuck we were both kind of scared of the mood you were gonna be in when you got here fucking with you well the thing it was funny was i you guys took it i was

awake whenever the i wasn't even sleeping so i was just being a smart ass because you guys were fucking drunk texting dumb shit over and over at one in the morning so i'm like shut up i'm trying to sleep and i wasn't i was awake well once he invoked the dying uncle and he was dead by morning yeah yeah morning uh he finally went. But I forgot what it was. Oh, okay, I was going to tell you. He was telling me just a couple of times when I was visiting him, he was telling me how much he liked Bisbee and he used to run around in Bisbee a lot when he was younger.

And he goes, yeah, I remember he's telling me about a trip to Mexico he made with Electric Dave. And I'm going, we podcasted with Electric Dave kind of about some of his trips to Mexico he made with Electric Dave. Oh, shit. And I'm going, we podcasted with Electric Dave kind of about some of his trips to Mexico. That's fucking pretty cool. So I didn't know that about him. So I do wish we would have had him on the podcast before he died.

That's after he'd be boring. I'm assuming it's the same uncle you've talked about for a long time saying he'd be great on the podcast. He's my favorite uncle. He's crazy just to fucking live. He was on the porch. We're sitting there, and he fucking just looked up at me, all fucking 97 pounds of him and grinning.

He was like, I went real hard for a long time, Chad. I think I'm getting away with some shit. I was like, yeah, you're going to be all right. So he's a good party fucking dude. My family has the best of intentions, you got it right. So he's a good party fucking dude. But my family has like the best of intentions, but they're not. They didn't understand hospice as well. They were as rigid with the medicines as the hospital would be,

and I kept trying to explain to them, like, no, that's what hospice is. You can just let him, you know. So after he kept going, Jenny goes, you're going to have to come down here and help out. And I go, all right, I'll come down and do the night shift next week. And so I was training, doing the feeding tube with him. And he goes, what are you doing? And I go, I'm training to be one of your nurses. I'm going to come down here and do the night shift next week. And his eyes got all big, and he looked at his sister, and he goes,

Chad's going to be in charge of the meds. and his eyes got all big and he looked at his sister and he goes, Chad's going to be in charge of the meds. So then I talked to my dad and I think he started getting a little more liberal with the meds. Well, they were doing things like somebody told them that they read on the internet that dog dewormer kills cancer. So they were mixing up dog dewormer and putting it in his feeding tube with his food. And I'm like, I go, look, I'm going to tell you guys right now.

I think it's fucking stupid. You've done no research on this. It's as dumb as putting frog spit on your butthole or whatever Charlie does. And I go, but he's dying. So I go, it makes no fucking difference at all. I go, at the very least, he won't have worms. Wasn't it Kenny that flipped out when we gave him some dog antibiotic? I forget why, but he wanted a complete conniption fit.

Sorry, that just came to mind. It was just those types of things you know i was frustrating because they were you know they meant well but they're just they uh he wanted to hit feeding tube and he said he could taste the food you know going in so he wanted strawberry boost to go into his feeding tube and they're like you can't fucking taste shit going into your feeding tube but he wanted it and so they're like we're out of strawberry so whenever we went to the store we bought a thing of strawberry boost you know so you know whatever the fuck you want the hospice lady came in she goes if he wants a beer give him a beer it's the

end of his life so i come back and we have boost and uh strawberry boost for him we go hey we got oh no we don't want him to have sugar. What? Are you fucking shitting me? Stop it. So it was interesting. I thought I was going to have to go down there and let him chew on the fentanyl patches, which is what I told him that I was going to do too, and he thought that was funny.

The other funny thing that happened while I was there was... Wait, didn't you say the fentanyl patches wouldn't work? Yeah, he was too skinny. He didn't have any... Meat. Any fat. Yeah, there's nothing to absorb it. But you can chew on those motherfuckers.

They'll still work. I wrote down a few things that I was going to say that I thought were fucking... So the last one is I was going to say that I thought were fucking one of the, so the last one is I was getting frustrated. Uh, I don't, my dad's wife, I hate her.

Like there's not a secret. I won't go to his house. She's a fucking cunt. A lot of people hate her. And, uh, she was a bitch to my uncle and he fucking didn't like her. And then when he's there dying,

she's all of a sudden all over. I can't get a second with him because she's there caressing his face and she's stinking the whole fucking place up with patchouli. And I was getting frustrated because I'm like, I can't say, you know, I'm at my aunt's house and he's on hospice. I can't say shit. Like, she's just trying to be comforting, but she's a fucking cunt. So I was completely frustrated until all of a sudden I hear my uncle and he's on hospice. I can't say shit. She's just trying to be comforting, but she's a fucking cunt.

So I was completely frustrated until all of a sudden I hear my uncle just whisper to her, why are you here? And I fucking loved it. I was like, oh, fuck, yes, finally. There's one person here that can say something and he fucking spoke up from his deathbed. So I appreciate it. So long, Uncle Randy.

Cheers. Cheers, Uncle Randy. Go, go, go. That's all I said after I heard you. Go, go, go. I don't know where the fuck you're going. Good dude. Cheers, Uncle Randy.

Oh, I was lifting my glass for Tracy now that I drank the end of it for Uncle Randy. I'm passing the torch. Some strawberry boost. I'll drink it. Chaley, how was your night? It was good. We went out to...

Are we just four mics? Yeah, I forgot to bring the extra mic. I brought everything except the mic. I brought all the cables and everything for it. I just didn't... We ran out of there. Miss Pat in Phoenix? Well, Miss Pat was...

That was a surprise. We went to go see Adam Kahn over at a place called CB Live. It's not a venue. And I got to tell you, man, I like just going to shows just to see how they run, you know? And for a venue that we've walked into shows like this before, like it's a rock and roll club or it's a higher end Scottsdale type thing, they fucking have their shit together, man.

It's good. It's a packed house, seated where, you know, you don't know who you're sitting at the table with. That's the hardest thing. You don't ever do this, Doug, but when you go to a – and you sit across from another couple and you don't know them it's that you're eating and they already ate so now you're eating in front of them

and they're like oh yeah we're from Bisbee that's the only thing that's like the train I'd rather stand up in the back than sit up in a good seat and then have to chit chat that's what happened at that Chris Bode concert where you have to chit chat. Cause then, you know, that's what happened at that Chris Bodie concert where like,

no, you have to sit in the seats they gave you. Well, it's empty in the back. Why would you make me sit in what you call good seats? Cause I'm, I'm gonna, yeah,

fucking awkward. The show is great. And I met two, two good Phoenix comics that, you know, if we want to put a show together down for chocolate, let's get some local stuff like we're doing with the Tucson ones. So, yeah, it was fun.

And then we knew Miss Pat was over at the other comic. That's what I was getting to, because Miss Pat, I get the, I don't know if you texted me or tweeted me, I was a little pickled last night, but it was the tweet, yeah, it was the picture of you with Miss Pat. Tracy and Miss Pat. Yeah, Tracy and

she said I told her that we're friends but I don't think she believes me. Then I tweeted the picture so you could prove it to her. Tracy doesn't like anyone to know it's her birthday. So everyone found out it was her birthday.

Tracy, I won't do that. Hey Uber driver, it's her birthday. Miss Pat, hey it's her birthday. Miss Pat, hey, it's her birthday. Adam Conover, hey, it's her birthday. It was so fucking funny. So irritated with it. But at the same time, we had a fun time. I found out this morning she doesn't remember going home from meeting Miss Pat.

And I go, then I guess you don't remember getting in the elevator and going, well, let's go to, let's call a lift and go over and get In-N-Out burger fries right now. She goes, we ate fries? I go, wow. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah, it was fun. There's no one I like to see pickled more than Tracy.

Because usually you can't tell. And when you can't tell, oh, my God, she's having a great time. When I saw that picture that you tweeted of her and Miss Pat whenever i saw just this morning i showed jenny and i go look tracy was drunk just from looking at the picture oh yeah this morning she was drunk that's what she said it was halfway back here to the uh home stretch house that she's like well all right now the hangover is gonna start We'd already had a meal. We went to Ikea and picked up a couple things, and she's still drunk.

So, yeah, it was good. Oh, and Miss Pat says hello. She said, I love Doug. I love Doug. Did she hang out at all? No, no, no. She did the show, and then we met her, and I told her the story.

We loved that she read the book, and we didn't know for like five chapters what look our house was until it clicked and then we all realized none of us knew for five chapters that it was liquor house and then uh you told her that yeah then we took a picture and we we sat down and then she comes to the bar to get a drink or something and sits down. It shows over. People are counting tips and shit. And she sat there like she'd never even met us.

Yeah, you're not remarkable. All white people look the same with purple hair, orange hair. We don't have to. I mean, I don't expect anything. But at the same time, then Tracy being, and this is blackout Tracy now, leans over and goes, I got a picture for a dog. I did a selfie after we had just taken a picture. So it was pretty funny. It was fun.

I forgot that I'd actually been to that Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. It's on the high street in Phoenix. Oh, I don't think I've been. You haven't. I haven't been to Phoenix since the podcast thing. I'm afraid. Yeah, I'm afraid to go back. We walked in and there was a guy, a comic, a booker that was there from All Things Comedy.

He also does comedy. His name's John. And that's the guy that we were hanging out with that whole weekend. Yeah. If that ever makes it into a book, that's going to be like, yeah. All right, this is all hearsay. This is what I remember of that. Allegedly.

Yeah, that whole weekend. Yeah, it was fun. You don't need to. Go ahead, Charlie. I just want to. Sorry, I keep forgetting you're sharing a mic. Well, I haven't seen Tracy in a blackout condition, but what I like to do when someone's blacked out is,

why didn't you tell her she actually had a hamburger? Because I had her taking pictures of me eating a hamburger. Sorry, I don't know. That wouldn't devastate her. I should have told her that you came over and gave her a frog spit. And make her look for the wound. I think it seems like break time. Because in the next segment, I am banned from not only Caesar's Palace, but all the casinos that they own, which is a a striking list it's a remarkable amount of

properties i will get to not only not only what they own but what they're going to own in the future yeah it's like being banned from scientology for a billion years. All right. Cocktails. Support for the Doug Stanhope podcast comes from Manscaped, who is number one in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. Manscaped.

I'm about to manscape right now, Chad, because I have to be on film in a minute. I'm going to manscape right now chad because i have to be on film in a minute i'm gonna manscape my face and this is the problem because we get the manscape unit in and as uh anyone who listens to the podcast for the last six weeks i'm surrounded by chicks and anytime you have something that vibrates and a house full of chicks, maybe someone used this for nefarious purposes, but I'm willing to still put it on my face. Manscaped! It's not just for your goddamn balls. You can use it on

your face. That's not in the ad copy. That's not in the bullet points. You can use this on your face, but it does work on your balls and groin. I'm Andy Anderstein lately because Andy shaves all of his hair. Like a swimmer. I haven't done the arms.

I did that last time. Now my arm hair is... But yeah, I got the legs. I got the chest. Is this for your cycling that you're into? No. Yeah, I'm trying to shave a few megaseconds off of my time. I know you hang out at the uh the coffee place where they're

all uh they're all really the buzz on tanque verde uh no it's for fucking sun and i like i'm old and i get fucking weird wiry gray chest hair like floyd the antique guy and bisbee yeah shave that shit down i shaved my armpits i get a certain lady to shave her armpits and i can't mention her name she manscaped because she had a man's armpits she had a fucking woolly mammoth under her fucking arms and she doesn't want that picture to go out honestly i stay away from my balls because my balls no one wants to see but if you have balls and you want to have someone judge them. Yeah, manscape the motherfuckers. Well, it's also, aside from just the appearance, it's a lot cooler if you get the fur off of them during the summer, I think, as well. I have balls differently. I'm not going to.

Maybe my balls need sideburns. I'll just do the back and front. Taint to cock, but a little fur on the inside gives you a bullet it's a reverse mullet an anti-mister t so it's business in the back and party up front i know my listeners you will manscape just to send us pictures of the things you could shave into your chest and or backs. I know the Simeons that follow us. You Neanderthals. Yes. Manscaped.

Get it and carve DougStanhope.com into your thick troglodyte man hair. On your back, your head, soles of your feet, where you have thick hair. Listen, it says the crop preserver, which they sent me, and I didn't know exactly what that was. They sent you, I call it a dop kit. sent me and i didn't uh know exactly what that was they sent you like a i call it a dop kit yeah it's a very nice one and it was uh full of stuff not least of which was the uh the trimmer which is what they their number one thing is but they also they sent the uh the crop preserver which is the anti-chafing ball that's what i was gonna say it's kind of sexist it says uh in the read it says you put a deodorant on your armpits why are you not putting deodorant on the smelliest part of your body?

Can you imagine if this was a ladiescape and you said the same fucking thing? Come on. How do you think my asshole is not smellier than my balls? We'll let that go get 20 off and free shipping with the code stanhope at manscaped past tense dot com manscaped like you already done it but you're about to do it and eventually your lie will be true your balls will thank you always use the right tool for the job get 20 off and free shipping with the code Stanhope at manscaped.com. That's 20%

off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code Stanhope. This is one of those times where the funniest shit happened off the podcast, but it's not funny to the listener anyway because they don't know.

But Chaley leaves town for two days and everything falls apart. And this is why Chaley is the most important fucking link in this belt. That's not even an exaggeration that everything fell apart. You guys were describing so many fucked up things that I had to ask Chaley how long he had been gone. Chaley leaves staff for two days and our two top people on construction projects left town and didn't tell Chaley.

We had to hear it from Chuck the intern. What a bastard way to find out. Well, perhaps they thought that, you know, I was in a position of seniority. Perhaps you led them to believe that because... I'll tell you exactly why. They don't want to tell me, so they tell Chuck and then fucking leave.

And then they go, well, we told Chuck. So what? You have my fucking phone number well chuck likes to personify a person in power now this started with the car buying shit where chuck says i'm gonna help you out buying this car and get a deal and then chuck turns into wheeler dealer chuck but he's a fucking prick about it you know how i go in soft i don't need to test drive it i just want to get the fuck out of here as quickly as possible and wheeler dealer chuck wait wait wait i want to see the what is the paperwork the reinhold fucking manheim this is

called the manheim and what i did is when i knew that doug was buying two cars i showed up a half hour early from our uh meeting point just a half hour early from our meeting point just to meet. Half hour early before they even opened just to steal his reserves. I knew I'd find that I wanted to see someone's frown turn upside or turn into a frown. And I go, you know, I'm a friend of Doug's. And if you could just print out the Mannheim, which what that is, is it's the auction value of the same exact car that's been sold. And it's something that dealers only have access to. So if you know a dealership, this is what they do is because they sell all your cars to auction. So I said, yeah, just just throw that up for us real quick. So when Doug gets here, we can take a look at it.

And I saw him just just I saw the you know, like, dirt bubble just fly over his head. And then Doug showed up and go on. Well, Charlie, like, wait, where's those Mannheim reports? I know what I'm doing here. I'm hip to your game. I'm like, you're coming on so fucking aggressive right now. But look, look. He gets the thing from this weary bastard, Leo Lopez.

Hasn't sold a car in two months. He's finally about to make some money. That's what he said. He's finally about to make some money. And here's Charlie kicking all his fucking profits under the couch. No, the night before, he took his wife out to happy hour like his friends. He picked up the tab, and I ruined that for him. That was not Leo Lopez.

Leo Lopez was the sales manager that I thought we sold it to, but then Chuck was talking to this kid afterwards when there was just some small problem, a USB port or something that he stayed behind. And the kid says somehow that kid got credit for the sale. No, it was. I ran into him afterwards when I went back for another reason. He's like, oh, my God, you made my whole month and two cars at once. And no one's ever done that yeah no well he was he was taking

you know his gratitude went to like a different level to where he was kind of cocky now he was like yeah i just i'm the only guy in this dealership that's ever sold two cars in one month because someone called into your dealership well that's because a of all the cars i've bought from sierra vista and here in tucson i've never seen the same person once except the manager perhaps but the sales people are yeah i'm the only guy that's ever well you're the only guy that's been here for more than three weeks it's a top heavy industry it's like insurance to where all the executives make all the money and the people at the bottom that do all the struggle to go get your blood tests and all this, they make shit.

They struggle. They work 18-hour days to make 80K a year. Blood tests? What kind of fucking cars did you buy? It's the finance game. It's like get to the top of the pyramid and you don't work at all, right? So it's understanding that. And it's the same thing

with car dealerships is to get to the get to be the general manager the general manager of a car dealership is making a mil plus he's got two commas in his check okay yeah and the guy down trying to hit quota has to sell 20 piece of shit cars a month yeah and you went in there his tier two bonus so he can make an extra 800 bucks and is that why you went in there it's tier two bonus so he can make an extra 800 bucks and is that why you went in there and bullied him relentlessly but exactly if you just heard what he said like he goes into this voice because he's got another project we're working on that he he recorded himself talking to that we have a an issue that goes almost a year deep that he goes oh i can i can you know fix this but he then he puts on that the the you're a gay receptionist

okay i know that i just and but then you vacillate in and out of it like you have not i'll give chuck credit that he's he's got knowledge he knows how to get the number for the ceo don't fuck with customer service we're going straight to the top henry phillips and i did this with bernie ebers and mci when we got fucked on our first cell phones bernie ebers is still in prison but i figured that out but But yeah, Chucks gets strong skills, but his phone game, not so strong. You're completely wrong there, Doug. You're completely wrong, Doug. You want to show vulnerability. You want to let someone think that they have power, right?

So if I come off as a fag, no problem. They have power. It's not about the... It's the fact that you didn't keep the same tone you'd come in and out of that voice and then try to drop law knowledge and then come back with and you guys's didn't even respond you you guys's this is what i'm talking to the corporate attorney but look look look he tried to use the same excuse earlier when I was talking to him, but he does it all on purpose.

It's his fallback because I'm doing that on purpose to make you think that I'm not doing it on purpose. See, you don't know. I love giving people rope, rope, rope just to think I'm dumb, and then I show you that I'm smarter than you. And sometimes we may forget which character we're playing. I wish I could play. There's no way we can play what he recorded.

But he did get the right people on the phone. Because we're not dropping that hammer yet. But, yeah, I'm taking the next phone call. And you talk too much. i wish i could fucking play this because when the attorney is trying to talk back to you you just keep stepping over him well uh you know we're gonna have to uh i'm not cleared to talk with you i know you're not clear but mr stanhope and then you're like the guys let him finish a fucking sentence why he's an attorney he's the worst person in the world let him know who has control and you know who has

control i do god damn it yeah then at the end of the attorney call okay so what hey have a nice weekend then okay like he's just sneering at you it's uh chuck come on oh i'm still waiting for the play smart part to come in i have i have never told another grown man to shut up more times than i've told chuck to shut the fuck up whenever we were at that last podcast when I first met him, we had to sleep in the same room and he's talking to go, hey, I don't snore at night or anything. I don't give a fuck if you snore.

Do you shut the fuck up? We met as match today. Olivia and I were bracing Valentina for the coming storm of words from Chuck. And oh, Valentina just overrode that with her own barrage. You know, Valentina's voice gets deep and then everything ends on it up. And then the thing. And then Chuck is like trying to get a word in edgewise.

It was like watching a boxing match. That's mania. Well, I also have a family with bipolar history. Not saying I've never been diagnosed, but here's the thing. If you're smarter than the doctor, you can discount it. We're like round six. But like to look at it all like the the thing the reason i went and found psychedelic plants back in 2013 and went down to peru now we're not talking about frog poison now

we're talking about ayahuasca is because i didn't have an identity because i'm a million different people i'm whoever i think i need to from one day to the next? No, no. Can't change. Can't change. No, no, no. From 10 seconds in a conversation to the next. You just told me that I'm the strong attorney at one moment, then I'm the gay guy, then I'm the this. And it's trying to figure out who am I if I don't have an identity. I'm just whatever I need to be at that

moment but what i realized throughout all of this is that that's my identity like who can be a billion people at once me that's why i'm taking the next phone call. And we'll conference you. I mean, 12 minutes of material, right? That's worth... Yeah, well... Today, Chuck brings up my mail and has a registered letter

certified from Caesar's Entertainment entertainment and it reads if you'd be my be so kind mr golden pipes chad shank uh dear douglas stanhope this letter is to inform you that the management of the entity commonly known as caesar's entertainment together with caesar's entertainment corporation and all of their affiliates and subsidiaries collectively referred to here and after as caesar's has determined that you recently engaged in conduct that caesar's views as inappropriate as a result your presence is no longer desired upon the premises of any caesar's property and you are no longer welcome at any Caesars property. What properties do those include, Mr. Shank? To be clear,

your exclusion from Caesars applies to all properties operated under the following brand names. Bally's, except Bally's Tunica, Bluegrass Downs, Caesars, The Cromwell, Flamingo, Harrah's, Harvey's, Horseshoe, Hotspot Oasis, Paris, Las Vegas, Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino, Rio All Suite Hotel and Casino, The Link Hotel and Casino, Thistle Down Racino, and Tunica Roadhouse and all other properties that are currently or in the future owned, operated or managed by Caesars Entertainment Corporation or its subsidiaries or affiliates. Holy shit, I'm out of breath. Please be advised that if you are found at any of the aforementioned properties,

management will not hesitate to take any and all steps necessary to effectuate your removal from the property as well as pursuing all other legal rights and remedies it has under law further should you should your presence at any caesar's property go undetected in the future any money you win through gaming including jackppots, may be forfeited, except in Nevada or any other state where this is prohibited by law. We've tried this before and failed.

Full disclosure. In addition, your membership. That's all right. That's enough. Good, good. It's boring. uh yeah tell hennigan what's yeah harvey's harvey's tahoe yeah i can't can't go back there where i fucking ate shit and lost a shitload of money i lost so much money in harris that they gave me like the concierge

please come back they're probably leaning on howie nave to book me back because they make so much money on top of what i lost with their pay uh so yeah hennigan goes oh this must be the uh the rio hotel because i don't know what the fuck is that i don't stay at caesar's oh when i saw rio yeah hennigan's right yeah that one star review that i rubbed in their fucking face really because i'm going to be on every fucking thing trip advisor expedia yelp shitting all over your casino oh well i guess that must have caught up with me because uh yeah two of those three one star reviews expedia dumped mine and i think it's because i mentioned the rates and that's against their terms of service but yeah so yeah evidently if you you leave a bad review

I know people have gotten sued for leaving bad reviews I read your review that you posted and maybe the if you if you leave horrible reviews that are accurate and measurable and can prove into that you're telling the truth that's the ones they probably get mad at and that someone who gets that review spread around and also calls the fucking front desk and the general manager repeatedly like you're not gonna make this right fuck you i'm gonna shit all over your goddamn casino. But what is that letter really? All this really is is a no trespassing sign, right? And that's a misdemeanor in every state

and every county that I'm aware of. So, I mean... Well, this happened to you, Charlie. This is where we rope you back into this. Because you told me this story and I know there's fucking problems in it. There's not problems in it. So, I'm an MGM. and I know there's fucking problems in it. There's not problems in it.

I'm an MGM. The way that there's four banks to choose from now, there's two casinos to choose from now, and there's outsiders, but there's either Caesars Management or there's MGM. I chose MGM years ago, and I've been a degenerate gambler for the majority of my life it's one of his billion personalities olivia grace is the floyd mayweather of this podcast doesn't punch a lot but makes it count

what she does well these are all factual statements and the thing is is that i always stayed at the same property because they knew me they knew what i would do they knew the energy i'd bring to each room you know the game floor whatever and and then one time i was living in seattle's a couple years back and i decided to stay i not home field home field is deluxer i decided to stay, not home field. Home field is the Luxor. I decided to stay at the MGM. They had a pool. There was a pool scene. I was single. It was, you know, something would happen.

Either way. So they put me up in a suite, you know, platinum member of the MGM. And I get hot. Craps table. You know, we're rolling about 40 minutes deep. And all of a sudden they bring over a cooler telling me to just pipe down hang on let's go back because you told me yeah you hinted at it but tell us more about how you bring up the energy at the table because i'm he told me this story a few times where he wasn't getting to the point of why they had security throw him out and then what will follow.

He acted like they thought he was winning too much, and that's why he threw him out. And now it bled into, oh, he's raising the energy of the table. And I think this might be what the problem was. Is that code for being an asshole? You're saying it's more likely he was rambunctious than doing well at something we've all played improvs we've all seen the Todd Glass

precursor film at the improv that they used to have hey and listen turn off your cell phones and do this and you know what no one ever got thrown out of a comedy club for laughing too much it's it was very funny if you're a comic there's people always laughing so hard and they threw me out isn't that what i'm supposed to do so i think you were laughing too

hard at the craps table correct the thing is is that to bring the collective energy of a craps table, this is my game. This is the only game that I play. And in his new self-help book, how to bring everyone together in a craps table. It's to bring the collective energy. So how I would start is by just a noise. And then you focus it and he puts it all into his crystals.

I have a shrill that will carry over a casino gaming floor that you're about to hear in one second. Woo! Like, this hits certain,

yes, but it's better than Ric Flair because it hits a certain Wait a minute, why is it better? Oh,

dude, I've never seen an ego more out of control than yours olivia and i i've still been wondering if this whole group hates us libya thought people were gonna kill her secretly you just fucking kick the door open never once considering that the rope you're talking about is around your own neck.

Actually, that should be the name of my book. I don't know how many listeners are going to isolate that shriek and use it as a ringtone to try to corral people around them and raise the energy at their table. But it starts with that, and then it starts with the chant, right? Once they see it, I'll just be like, send her back. Yeah, no. Send her back, says Tracy.

But it starts with the chant, but eventually I'll get the collective in and I will roll. No. Where's security? There's security. That has seen me roll for this a long period period of time so when you start rolling dice for an extended period of time you get over 20 minutes over eight minutes everyone's broke even once

you start getting into the 20 30 minute realm they start getting scared because i took my 400 dollars that i started with and i'm up at like five grand everyone else has started with a hundred they're up at two grand. So they brought over a cooler. They brought over someone to tell me to pipe down. It's 45 minutes into the adventure, right? I've been doing this. I was the guy that said, hey, tell that guy

to shut the fuck up. I'm trying to play roulette. I'm trying to find angles and patterns and there's some cunt that keeps going, can we do something about this guy? That just happened when we were at the Luxor when Chad and I and

we were playing the horses around the electric horses and he couldn't hear us across the casino. And the only reason we probably didn't get in trouble was because he knew that it was us. He didn't want to get us in trouble.

Sigma Derby, that's the name of it. You were so irritated, and we were just jumping up and down with our quarter. Well, everybody in Vegas is losing, especially at Caesars and all the following properties. Harris, Horseshoe, Harvey's, Hang Low, Hing Wong, Ding Dong, fuck yeah, all of them. You're losing.

So to hear some, I mean, it's one thing to hear an old lady, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, oh, I won. And they won like $100 and they're crying. But yeah, to hear some asshole in the fucking middle of the night, boo, bingo, ha-cha-cha. But yeah, to hear some asshole in the fucking middle of the night. Boo! Bingo! Ha-cha-cha! Look, this would be 2 in the morning,

and the Luxor's gone through a lot of things, right? So their craps tables are right next to what used to be Raw. I don't know what club it is now. But at 3 in the morning, there would be 400 people packed around this table because I was continuing to roll. They were in line to kill you. Like in the movie Airplane. Perhaps.

I'm still here. But to link it back, though, I'm doing the same type of behavior at the MGM. It's 10 a.m. on a Sunday. I've been up all night. No one's really having that at this moment. So they bring over a security guard. He tells me to. And I was like, beat it, cooler.

And he asked for my ID. And I said, let me see your ID. And then next thing you know, a plainclothes guy comes over in a suit. Plainclothes? No guy comes over in a suit. And he does like the plain. No, he's wearing a suit. It looks like he's like, but it's fucking 10 a.m. on a Sunday. No one's dressed that. He didn't have ATF on the back of his shirt.

So Charlie called him a pussy. Essentially, I did. And then I was like, oh, you're going to start with, you know, presents. And I was like, dude, that's day one with your posture, bro. I've been through those courses. Charlie's been through everything. Oh, my God. But I felt that he threatened me,

so I decided to call the police because I was threatened. And so I called the police and I said, I feel very threatened. I don't feel safe at this place at this moment. And so they were like, is this an an emergency joe pesci is throwing me out of here is this an emergency and i had no reference go ahead no yeah so i explained that it wasn't an emergency but i felt threatened if they could send an officer to escort me you know back to my so they're trying to throw me off the property and i'm like no i'm not leaving until they didn't know that they hadn't back to my room. So they're trying to throw me off the property. And I'm like, no, I'm not leaving until. They didn't know that they had come to my suite.

A couple floors up. So the cop shows up. And the security guard. He's not even a guard. He's plainclothes. He shows up. And he pulls me off to the side. And he goes, do you understand that 50 fucking people just were murdered here in vegas

like three weeks ago and you're calling about this bullshit it kind of he knew what i was doing and he called me out and uh he did this in the wake of 9-11 so to speak well the vegas is 9-11 702-911 across the street from the mgm or i'm sorry mandalay uh so so fucking uh cop fucking just chastises me and then he goes you go sort this out so the dude's like all right you're leaving the property when i go well i gotta i want to get my things first and i every single time they give me four days but i'm only going for two wait wait wait wait, wait. Oh, I thought you meant every single time they give you four days to get your shit off the property like you've been thrown out that many times.

It's protocol. It's four days to get my shit out. That's a lesson I'll learn later. I'm doing this for three more days. I'm playing on levels you don't even understand, man. But technically, I was staying there until Tuesday, but I only had a weekend bender from Seattle, but I would always book four days

so you don't have to deal with checkout bullshit or anything. Because it's free. So anyway, he's kind of disgusted when he realizes he has to take me up to the suite at his own property to get my things. I gather my things. Slow pack. Picture and autograph.

Your Pete Rose. Sorry, never mind. Was that part of your act? Not act, no. No, I'm saying, did you over-prepare for this podcast where you thought the Pete Rose thing would kill and I stepped on your dick? No, I'm just actually going back to the room

where everything's scattered. I didn't know I was going to be thrown out. And all I was like, I just want my Pete Rose picture and autograph. So what you do when that's your lucky charm is a guy who cheated gambling and baseball? He just fucking signed something for me. I should have just asked him at the end.

He bet $240 you wouldn't. This guy, he's got no money. So I packed my things, walked across the street to the Tropicana, tried to gamble, and then I passed out. My flight was at 10 p.m. that day and then took a cab to McCarran. But it wasn't until a few months later,

or a few months, a few years later, I hadn't gone back. I continued to get these offers because I'm still on this degenerate gambler level. Yeah, well, this... So I booked a free hotel, free everything with a free entry into a slot tournament that would cost money.

And all of a sudden, I'm like, fuck, I'm going to Vegas. This might have never happened if I went because this would have been in March. I would have been poor. I wasn't coming out here with any money because I know I would have lost. And fucking all of a sudden they call back and they go, you're banned from all AMGM properties. I go, well, you never notified me. They're like, well like well sir you disputed

every charge that you had which i won by the way i always fuck all this shit i signed to my room i said that wasn't me fuck the mgm um uh wait maybe not i don't know college yeah whatever we'll figure the only time i lost a dispute with american express was uh against amtrak and that's just because i was too tired to fight you know but uh chuck has a yeah he's got a lot of free time that i do and just you know the final thing on this story and i'm sorry that it was so long-winded is that i did find i said well look we both know that i'm a good customer and you're a good client and i like i'll never stay away from home field again i'm not going i'm not going to play it in a way stadium we play it at luxor i've seen all those people all those pit bosses luxor any luxor people

you know exactly who i am go rewind the podcast hear that woo you know who I am you know who I am you work from 9pm to 4am yeah you know who I am but uh I had to write a handwritten letter to the head of security

of the MGM the actual property and then they would review my case to uh let me stay again. But someone told me that if I just don't try and get a free slot tournament out of it, no one's going to say anything. I think maybe what I'll do with Caesars Entertainment and all their properties worldwide in perpetuity

is I'll write a handwritten apology for my Yelp review and my TripAdvisor review in crayon, left-handed. Dear Santa, or current resident, me said bad, bad words about you, and that hurts everybody. It hurts inside of your stomach.

I feel so sad. I wish you could feel sad with me and we could be happy together. Douglas G. Stanhope. Misspelled. Yeah. Yeah. At Caesars ENT. For my fucking audience caesars is c-a-e-s-a-r-s not that i didn't get wrong a lot of times but since i've tweeted this a lot of you're chiming

in trying to yeah spell caesars right make sure you get the right Caesar's ENT or the fucking Rio. That fucking place is just devastated. It was awful. Fuck them. I think we have a podcast right there. We appreciate all of you Patreon players. That means a lot every time someone signs up. I don't give a fuck if it's a dollar a month.

It means a lot to us because we don't have to gum this up any more than we gum it up ourselves. Olivia Grace, Greg Chaley, Chuck the Intern, Chad Shank, and here's to Uncle Rodney Randy God damn it I was going to follow along And chose to Uncle Rodney And you guys fucked it up I was reading your face

I fucked it up twice when we were out smoking at the break Alright Randy Uncle Randy Cocktails Thank you guys for listening. Let's do it. Let's let's we're going to go. Let's let's go now. I'll do this.

Read. Plug it in. Oh, shit. We're going to go. Let's go now. I'll do this read. Plug it in. Oh, shit. What the fuck is this? This podcast is also brought to you by the Lincoln Center's Mostly Mozart Festival. That runs July 10th through August 10th of 2019. This is the U.S. premiere, Chad. The U.S. premiere of the Yang Ls premiere chad uh the u.s premiere of the yang lipping contemporary dance

under under seas that's right it's based on historical events that formed wow geez the lights went out that i can't even fucking read that can you read that focus on the backdrop of the oscar nominated film farewell my concubine celebrated uh everyone's like this is for yang leping's dance theater work explores war and power betrayal and passion with searing poignancy this sounds like you're reading the newspaper my favorite part of, my favorite part of this I have to introduce it still. My favorite part of this is it runs Thursday through Saturday at 8

to 10 and 7.30pm which those are great times. I love these times for Yang Leping. Yang Leping always has the best time. Tickets from $35 which is really that's bargain basement so go to a mostly mozart festival.org uh and they're sponsored by the new york presbyterian

and that's great i think all this is great all right this is the most horrible topic for a fake commercial ever there's absolutely nothing to riff on I don't know what the fuck that is still. But you just did. All right. Moving on. Woo!