The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#325: Banned From Caesar's For Life

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Doug tries to get to the bottom of why he is banned from all Caesar's Ent. properties, a lovely neighbor drops by and smoking buddy rat head named Buddy.Thanks to all of our Patreon subscribers. The next BONUS episode, available only to Patreon Subscribers, will be out first week of August. All subscribers will automatically have access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support helps and is much appreciated.  Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Thanks in advance.Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded July 27th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by www.DougStanhope.com/store -  Just Beer Koozies now available. 3 styles - Killer Termites, Bisbee Booze Bags and Ichabod "Be A Gentleman". http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/koozie-3-pack-a (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -Killer Termites and Bisbee Booze Bags artwork by acmetiki.com (http://acmetiki.com/) - @AcmeTiki (https://twitter.com/AcmeTiki)Ichabod and Stanhope Podcast artwork by Brett Brock - [e-mail] - @HuskyboyoWatch Chad Shank play video games on Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty. Subscribe for free with your Amazon Prime Account. HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast tell me when we're going i assume we're going because i want to get right into welcome home doug thank you thank you it's great to be home and we'll get to that but I want to start right away with Caesar's properties banning me because instead of answering every fucking tweet and everyone who's getting it wrong and surmising and supposing yeah I want to address it right off the bat. You don't need a fucking time cue of when I get to it during this podcast.

It's now. Since our last podcast, it's come to our attention. Maybe it wasn't the review that got me banned on TripAdvisor and Yelp. If you didn't hear... Let's say, because we don't know when people are going to hear this,

episode 324, Goodbye Uncle Randy and a Letter Arrives is the episode you're talking about. Alright, so yeah, this is... I read the letter where I got, out of the blue, I got banned from all of Caesar's properties, which includes Harrah's, Horseshoe, a whole litany of places,

I am no longer allowed on the property for behavior that we've determined to be inappropriate. It wasn't even behavior. It was something like that, though. It wasn't specific. It was that innocuous. You were inappropriate.

How? What? So I just, the only thing I could think of, the only time I've stayed at a Caesars property in years was at the Rio in February, and it was shit. It was utter garbage. The place has gone to fucking hell. Everything sucked.

Everything was wrong. So I wrote up a review about it on Yelp and TripAdvisor. And that's all I could think of as to why we would be banned. And then we, oh, wait, could be the podcast we did about it. Because how would they know my full name based on a Yelp review other than I probably at some point called the front desk and go, hey, maybe you should read a Yelp review that I just wrote. That could have been it, but I don't think a front desk person would be savvy enough. Five months later, February to July, before I'm banned out of the blue. So we thought, oh, maybe someone stumbled on the podcast that we did from the Rio shitting on the Rio extensively.

And then this guy, he's at Vital Vegas. I guess he's a Vegas entertainment guy. That's his beat. He was on some local Vegas news talking about this. Well, Doug Starr claims he was banned because of this letter, which I've tweeted, and I will continue to tweet till I get a fucking answer as to why I'm fucking banned out of the blue. And he's on this news thing saying, but then he backpedaled a bit and said it might have been about his behavior. Because I tweeted that podcast with a picture of the letter,

it might be about this podcast. And I listen to the podcast. It's not a good one. Hannigan and I were shit-faced at the Rio talking about it while it was happening. But yeah, we mentioned bad behavior, but none of it was going to get you banned. Like, security never came to me. One of the things that someone was saying on Twitter, well, he did a podcast where he talked about, A, walking out on a tab,

which, no, that's not the fucking story, you fucking moron. I woke up after having nearly blacked out saying oh shit i don't remember paying that tab which brian hennigan said yes i covered it yeah that's in the fucking podcast you fucking stooge i didn't walk out on a tab the only time i was abusive to employees was when I was bitching about something. I was abusive about the something I'm bitching about. Not you're a fucking idiot, but why doesn't anyone answer the phone? Why does only one of the phones in this suite work? Why do your phones have cords that are tangled like 1981? You know, we have to drop the phone upside down and let it twirl for as long as it twirls so

it doesn't kink up catch it before it backspins exactly i'm gonna give it a little bit of backspin because it's gonna over correct uh so yeah i was abusive about the place i wasn't saying you're a fucking asshole i'm saying what's wrong with this fucking why does nothing here work why does nothing here exist everything that it says on expedia if you've read the review you heard it but evidently we shut down yelp have you seen that yeah yelp has blocked the entire rio page because everyone was abusing it oh no yeah uh so so that's all I could think of. This guy is saying, no, it's not that behavior. One of the things was in the review and on the podcast, I talk about Hennigan got into a tiff with his girlfriend

and came back to my room to crash with me and banged on the door and rang the doorbell. But it was an enormous fucking suite and i didn't hear him so he crashed in front of my door for hours slept out there and then uh when i found him like security never came by to remove remove you that's not our bad behavior this is yet again another reflection on how shitty the rio is someone can camp out like a homeless person for five hours in front of your room sleeping in a ball using their sport coat as a pillow and nobody nobody uh nobody addresses

these issues i mean if they would have woke him up he's's not registered there. No. He doesn't have a key, and he was blind drunk. So, yeah. That's not my bad behavior. That's not the way to run a business. The moral is, if you're in Vegas and you're in a tight spot, sleep on the floor in the Rio. No shit. The Plaza, where we enjoy our favorite hotel,

shout out to the plaza downtown one main street that's been our hotel our go-to since before i was even doing comedy and that's where we filmed the special and that's right next to the downtown bus station the las vegas bus station the greyhound station, is right next door. And hobos don't sleep in front of your door in that place. Sometimes they scuttle through, but they're quickly ejected. Yeah, I did see a three-legged pit bull my first night at the plaza. Indoors?

Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of entertainment because of that Greyhound station. Yeah. Fuck you, motherfucker! I'm not fucking... A lot of entertainment because of that Greyhound station. Yeah. Fuck you, motherfucker! I'm not fucking... Crazy people that are being run through like a Benny Hill security after them. It's funny. We had to avoid twice right there in front of the plaza

people getting arrested. It was right in front of the Greyhound station. Yeah, yeah. On the side of the plaza. Didn't someone actually see Pitbull the last time we were there? Oh yeah! I saw Pitbull. Somebody had to point out Pitbull to me because I didn't know

what a Pitbull was other than if I saw a three-legged one. But it was in the floor of the plaza. Either way, a three-legged rapper or a three-legged dog. Pitbull with a big turkey leg. He was walking around the floor of the plaza and he had a security guard with him

who was blocking everybody, like actively jumping in front of families who were tugging luggage to their rooms. Nobody notices Pitbull. Nobody even knew who it was. People just go to the toilet and they're getting shoved aside.

It was so hilarious to see that security guard with arms spread, legs spread, jumping in front of people to block them from away from Pitmullet. No, I don't think that was necessary. Nobody noticed him. Yeah, that's like censors when you're writing TV and they just find something to say you can't say that to justify their existence. Hammers look for nails. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. He's the worst. He should be in my spite pics. Yeah, he's one of those. I got to compile a list. I think of him every couple days. Oh, that guy. I fucking hate that guy.

He should be on my spite pool. Celebrity death pool pics. So, yeah. So going back to this, I've never stayed at a fucking Caesar's property that I know of in years, except for the Rio. So other than how do you get banned? I'm not banned because I was drunk and lost money. I'm not banned because my manager slept in front of my door undetected by your security.

None of these are reasons. I wasn't banned because I thought I walked out on a tab and didn't. So all of your profferings. have and didn't so all of your profferings and if uh if i was banned like i got one of these uh and i i can't guarantee you it was a caesar's property but i'm pretty sure it was harris i got one of their they send you hey do you want to take a junket for a free flight and three free nights in laughlin and uh you know we can fucking drive to Laughlin but I thought it would see at the end of the month that's when I'll be you know getting out of Tucson and I thought yeah I'll take Chaley Chaley and I could use a pre-tour vacation and I called

and I was on hold for like 55 minutes and then it was one of those please continue to hold your calls very important to us and when you heard that 35 40 55 fucking times no my calls not fucking important to you and it was one of those classic anger management things where I'm just I'm now I'm staying

on hold out of fucking spite and then click just fucking hangs up you motherfuckers so then i'm trying like trying to find different numbers and then i just went on hold again it was like an hour and 17 minutes like i could have driven to fucking laughlin in the time i've been on hold and then i get the lady on the phone and again I'm pretty abusive like this is normal to sit online and then I could have done it online that's what they they say or so I between

calls I tried online and but you need your uh rewards number And who carries their fucking rewards number on them other than fucking old ladies with giant purses? And it says it needed the rewards number for both guests. And I don't even know if Chaley has a rewards card and it's fucking

like eight and a more. I'm not going to bother him. So I can't use online. Answer no, by the way. I'm not going to bother him. So I can't use online. Answer no, by the way. I don't. Why would your guests need a fucking rewards card? It didn't make any sense.

They're trying to get more people. That's what they want. So then I finally get the lady on the phone and she goes through all this stuff and I have to read you this and that. And then at the end, I'm over two hours in. She said, OK, and I'll need a major credit card for your booking fee. What? It's a fucking free vacation.

Well, it's but it's in the fine print. Oh, I'm sorry. A lot of things are in the uh click and accept all the terms and conditions and then it's human caterpillar as the south park episode goes yeah i'm sorry i don't read the fucking miles of fine my eyes aren't capable of reading that fine a print and uh it's like 70 bucks a person or something i go that's not free like that i could pay that the gas alone to get there it's more than that so yeah if why are you sending first of all why are your fucking packing free things junk and cost money why is your customer service that

shitty that it takes me that long to find out that this is a scam this is basically a scam that we used to do in fraud telemarketing and if it was and i'm pretty sure it was harris which is a goddamn caesar's property if i harris is okay well if i'm not i'm sure i'm pretty sure it was Harris. It had to be Harris. Whatever. Why, if I'm banned, would you be sending me free shit? It doesn't make any sense. Why did no one sign the fucking letter? I did call the Rio and ask, hey, I was going to book a room there, but I got a letter saying I was banned.

Is that true? And she was very sweet. And I don't know why. And then she pulled up my rewards and there's nothing here. And then she said, let me talk to my management. And then finally, yeah, it seems that you are. I don't know why. And I don't know why either. Caesar's only comment during that news thing that I saw.

I just won the lottery. I was going gonna come and hang out yeah no shit that's another thing their rewards suck so much because i lost thousands of dollars in that trip thousands and uh and then when i went to cash in my rewards after you know four days of whatever heavy losses i was i wouldn't pay for half of a buffet i put that in the review too i'm like really because i that was the salad incident salad incident oh i thought you were being serious i was what's my salad incident what was bingo on that trip where she tried to... Cat! No. No, that's a sushi incident, honey.

Oh, no, that's sushi. No, go ahead. Bingo says hi to everybody. I've gotten some tweets where everyone's wondering where Bingo is because the podcast has been so broad, heavy the last few months. What happened to Bingo? Who's this? Bertine and Javelina and olivia grace where's bingo well

she's right here she just doesn't have much to say what oh you do all right jump on a mic i'm scared i want you to drop that later so being, why would you be sending me free stuff if it was anything other than those two things? It doesn't make any sense. And your property still sucks. And this does not affect my life. It's the principle of the thing. You just want details. Yeah.

I want a good story. If I did something fucked up, that's the thing. People say, yeah, well, it's probably more to do with, like I did something fucked up that's the thing people say yeah well it's probably more to do with like he really fucked up wouldn't I be the first to tell you if I got thrown out of a casino for a really funny reason

if I pissed in fucking Caesar's Palace Fountain or took a dump in the Rio Buffet wouldn't I be the first to fucking tell you that you deal in your commerce Or took a dump in the Rio Buffet. Wouldn't I be the first to fucking tell you that? You deal in, your commerce is words and details. And bad.

That's how you make a living. So really, not having this is probably the worst thing that they can do to you. Is not giving you the fucking ammunitions. You only have the premise. Yeah. There's no fucking finish for it. It's twisting you in a fucking knot. Oh, well played, Caesars Entertainment. Well played.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm not letting it go. Yeah. I'll just keep tweeting and Facebooking that. I don't even use Facebook. I'm going to start. Just post that letter. This is what you get when you leave a bad review.

Because other than that, all I did was bad review them on Yelp and TripAdvisor, and I bad reviewed the fuck out of them in a very sloppy, drunken podcast. When you did call back the second time you got the sweet lady on customer service who's let's face it she's probably quit by now did you ask her like are there any details or just a red flag does a siren go off i mean oh when i called when i called the property you're not talking about that junket flight no no when you called to ask if you could and she went to her manager and said yeah no she said there's no idea why. Is it?

Nothing. Did you ask? She said, is there a phone number on the letter? No. She even assumed that you'd have to have some recourse. I'll get mad and I'll just show all my cards. I'll be like, well, all right. Well, so what if my friend just puts the room in his name and I just show up and then nobody asks the guest for their ID

so I can just basically hang out at your hotel that way and just sidestep the whole fucking thing, right? There's not a point to this ban. I doubt that there's pictures of people scanning the people walking through the door. Every morning they're giving all the security guards a briefing and holding up Stanhope's fucking picture. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Here's our bad actor.

Someone did. We're calling him the ace of spades. They've got all their facial recognition tuned in for Stan Hope's face. I was just going to say that someone suggested that because if anyone would have facial recognition, it would be them because of card counters. That may be true but i think you're making assumptions forgetting that they let hennigan sleep in your hallway for three hours because we also assumed that they would have security that would take care of that true enough

i don't know if i want to continue to shit on caesar's properties or promote them to my fan base who already know the story. And yeah, just go there and gamble and sleep in the hallway. The Blues Brothers scene in the restaurant where they're trying to put the band back together. And now one of the band guys is a maitre d at a very fancy restaurant and they're just going uh how much you're for your wife i want to buy a dollar how much for the little girl they're throwing shrimp at each other yeah yeah that's pretty much my fan base and that's what they say at the end of the scene if you don't come back to the band jake and i are gonna eat at this restaurant every night,

seven nights a week. Yeah, maybe we just promote the fucking worst of our lot. Please. Please, if you can't, go to Bally's, Bluegrass Downs, Caesars, The Cromwell, Flamingo, Harrah's, Harvey's, Horseshoe,

Hot Post Oasis, Paris, Las Vegas, Planet Hollywood If you took a shit in the Caesars, you know what? That fucking, that probably doesn't even work anymore. That fountain. The one out front? Yeah. Yeah, it's probably just spitting like a meth load. Sputtering.

That's a very specific metaphor. Yeah. Yeah, if you... I'm not telling you to do this. I'm saying, hypothetically, you take a shit on the floor of the Rio and then leave a glowing review.

See if you get banned five months after the fact for either event this podcast brought to you by the rio all suites hotel and everyone linked to it by their df23andme dna chain cocktails If you're in Columbia, Missouri, and you're looking for some feral cat salad, go to Saki Sushi and ask for Jesse. We voted number one. Thank you. Good? Good what?

You were looking at a calendar. Yeah, but I already pushed record. All right. Well, you were looking away from me. I just wanted to get a name right. Jeremy sent me a pants and shirt. One was orange, the pants. Yeah, they're going right to the Your Thrift Store plug.

Your Thrift Store. If you're in Bisbee, Arizona, go to Bisbee Road and find Your Thrift Store. And you'll find Jeremy's pants that are like, what are you, fucking 11 feet tall? Are you from Deutschland? Wait, did he send you his pants? Yes, he did. Maybe he wants you to sign the pocket. send you his pants? Yes,

he did. Maybe he wants you to sign the pocket. This is what we do with a lot of fan letters and stuff is when you buy merch from DougStanhope.com slash store, I send you fan mail I got as your fan mail from another

guy. And you're going to get Jeremy's fan mail. He sent me. He knows I like orange. Mike. Oh my God, Mike. Mike, you gotta fucking shorten your goddamn emails because

he has this old board game. Oh, Chad, please help me. Is that it? I thought someone was taking a night course at Cochise College. Listen, Mike has a point.

Mike did this old 1950s board game. Lorne Green. From Bonanza fame? Yeah. He's a part guy in this and it was about

not buying into bullshit and he said this board game gave me as much insight as your act into like how much we're being manipulated by the media

and this is like it gets you over the Bible and I have fucking I don't care anymore, Mike. Wait, the Lorne Green? Yeah. I didn't research that. I don't know if that's true. I don't know who these guys are.

It might just be another dude named Lorne Green. Bring me shrimp. My kingdom for a shrimp! The first man to bring me shrimp gets a bar of gold! This is... There's your shrimp soup, sir. It's just a bowl of water with shrimp in it. Actually, I think you're washing your hands as you grab the shrimp.

It's very efficient. I think the point of the game is that back then, they were openly seeing 70 years ago what was bullshit

and propaganda. And he's like, we've only saw like 50 of these a year, but it's still in, I don't know. It's still in print? Is this something you can buy somewhere? Yeah, but they sell 50 a year or something. Mike, I would have better bullet points

if you fucking didn't write me four pages of single-spaced fucking sentences of email. The instructions are sideways in the book, so it makes them longer. Landscape orientation. And 71 pages long. I would rather get a job than learn how to play this fucking game.

It's no chutes and ladders. Is that what you're saying? It's no Candyland. It doesn't seem and ladders. Is that what you're saying? It's no Candyland. It doesn't seem fun at all. This guy Mike works for, the propaganda game is what it's called. I'm sure it is fascinating. Because he sent me an email that was twice as long. So I'm sure it's fascinating if you're a bored 23-year-old who doesn't do comedy.

Right in bold letters on the front, it says, Another Whiffin' Poof Game for Thinkers. And now it just only makes me curious of what the other Whiffin' Poof games are. What does that say? Right here. It's huge. All right. Next. Next. All right. Next.

Next. Thank you. Someone sent me two gallons in one gallon jugs Worcestershire sauce. Two one gallon jugs of Worcestershire. If you don't know Worcestershire sauce, it takes a splash. That is a lifetime of splash in every gallon. That made me laugh so much seeing you open that. If you win on Gambit.

When Chad Shanks showed up tonight, he was reclining in a chair that shouldn't recline that much. Trying to sleep because he's been up on his Twitch TV. Plug it at twitch tv twitch.tv slash hd underscore fatty he's smoking a bowl oh yeah so yeah chad shank woke up well there wasderall involved, but part of it was two gallons with no person's name on it of Worcestershire. Cheers to you. Whoever did that, cheers to you. That was a great fucking unexpected laugh to see Stanhope surprised at what was going on.

It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, what? It was good. It worked. Whatever your intention was was great. It worked. Whatever your intention was was great. The best part too was when you looked at it

and you were like do I ever even talk about Worcestershire sauce? He is a Worcester. I don't know if that helps. Well I know you can't have it because of your irritable bowel. It's got soy in it.

Ask that lady. She's the one with the bad fucking dungus. Bad dungus. J.T. Habersat sent me some modern drunkard magazines that both of us are featured in.

And I don't remember doing the article or the interview. That's appropriate, I'd say. Derek Vaughn sent us a lot of stuff. He sent Chaley 10 bucks. He sent a smoke eater kind of, what do you call that? It's called a smoke buddy. I've been using it this whole podcast.

You smoke weed and then you blow your smoke into it and then everybody else doesn't get a contact high. It's basically a koozie-looking filter. So if you're smoking weed in a hotel or something, you just blow it into that and no one will ever smell your exhaust. Or a toilet paper roll with a dryer sheet shoved in it. It seems to work all right. I've never smoked pot.

I'm also smoking out of, I don't think I've mentioned it because I don't know who sent it to me because it just came while Stan Hope was in Tucson in a box. No, I remember that. That showed up somewhere. Yeah, while we were at Tank of Verde. But I got a pipe that shaped like a woman's, a very busty woman with a large ass.

And it's a great pipe because it doesn't have any narrow chambers. And so thank you to whoever sent me that. I think that's all the thank yous I have. Thanks to everybody. I get PayPal shit. Like the other night I woke up, I had a hundred bucks in my PayPal. What's your PayPal? What's your PayPal address? I don't know if they want to

say. It's just at audioshank at icloud.com. But that was really fucking cool because I needed it. We had to buy school clothes for fucking some dude's kid. You're so fucked. That you're legally on the hook for well no that was yeah well we'll see thanks i appreciate it is my point i i i digress that is a great pipe i love how the nipples hold it up perfectly yeah it's great she must be 20 uh the the big thing that derrick Vaughn sent Was an open sign

That he stole from a Burger King Wait, allegedly He said it came from a Burger King He could have attended some kind of an auction Sure, sure, a Burger King auction Thank you, counsel Look, things aren't going so good for Burger King. They're selling tacos now.

Yeah, there's a beautiful open sign. Joby, I hope you come home soon. He gave us our original open sign that shit the bed. So now we have a new open sign to hang out in front. Where you can't see it from the street. And it allegedly came from a Burger King. Derek Vaughn, thank you, and

welcome. Please follow at Olivia Does Bits. She's our new cast member. Opening act sounds...

No, you work with me. I like friend. Oh, I don't really like her. I think it's a gimmick. See, that's what I said about being excited and sounding dumb. Before I could even say, I like friend too. You go, I hate you. She did say, you know, I play dumb,

which I also used in my book. I play dumb because people get sloppy around you. So I play dumb. Yeah, I used to do that. Then I got actually dumb for playing it too long. My face stuck like that. All right. I do want to say thank you to Kelso for giving us that picture.

Oh, yes. From Muskegon. Sherman Bowling Center. He tweeted me, and I go, I thought someone already sent me that, but I don't fucking remember anything. Thank you. It's framed because of Chaley on our wall. Beautiful. I love that picture.

It should be, Doug, you're right. It should be the cover of a book. That is. Well, it should be the cover of your last book and too bad. Alright. Hey, thank you. I'll send all of your emails to

Doug at DougStanhope. to at Doug at Doug Stanhope dot com. Your tweets at Doug Stanhope and everyone else. Chad Shank at HD Fatty with a TTY at Greg Chaley with a Greg C-H-A-I-L-L-E. And Olivia does bits. And you can fuck with her a little bit. That'd be funny. Roaster. She's a roast king.

After we're done, I'll tell Olivia how Stan will introduce me on Twitter. That's a good story. Well, tell her right now now because it's a closer. It was right around, well, it wasn't right around the time. It was the day that the Newton shooter shot up the school in wherever it was. Newton, I think. Newton.

So Stanhope proceeded. I don't know how drunk he was. We were new friends at that point, very new friends. I was still very apprehensive as to my role here. Pre-podcast. Yeah, pre-podcast, everything. Stanhope texts me and says, your Twitter is locked.

Unlock your Twitter. All right, I Unlock your Twitter. All right. I'll unlock my Twitter. And then as soon as I did, Stan Hope proceeded to tweet. All of my tweets today have been tweeted by my guest tweeter, at HDFatty. Send your hate to him, not me. After he spent a whole day tweeting offensive Newton shooting tweets.

I had death threats my very first day on Twitter. It was a fucking fantastic. I forget I used to be funny. It was a fantastic introduction to the world of social media where I used to have a locked

Twitter and was blissfully unaware of everything. Is this just a bumper? Yeah. I thought we were doing a new podcast. All right. We can keep going. We can turn it into a podcast.

No. I got to start. No. We're going. We're going. I don't know. All right. Thank you.

Let's get back to the podcast already in progress before we start a new podcast. So listen to all of them. All right, during the break, we were chatting, and Chaley had a good point. There's got to be some disgruntled employee that's worked for a Caesars property that could give me some inside poop, if not about why I was banned than just other inside

poop maybe just not even an employee that's disgruntled or maybe not from caesars but someone that works customer service on that level because they probably all the properties probably run the same like well we get we get threatening would customer service even be someone that deals with this? This would be customer disservice. Someone had to make that fucking decision and it wasn't a front desk person. No, it's upper level.

Yeah. Give us the dirt. If you got dirt, give us dirt. I'll find out some names. Who makes these decisions? Anything. Whatever you got dirt, give us dirt. I'll find out some names. Who makes these decisions? Anything. Whatever you got.

Email Doug at DougStanhope.com. Doug Stanhope fucked my girlfriend. Now I'm in charge of all of the Caesars properties. Dave? Which Dave? Neighbor Dave? No, no. Well, you go put out that fire.

He's right there. He's right there. Okay. He'll see we're podcasting. No, no. Well, you go put out that fire. He's right there. He's right there. Yeah, okay. He'll see we're podcasting. Hello, sir. We're podcasting. I haven't. There you go.

Hi. Can I see you for a minute? Yes. Hang on. We're going to pause the show. Hang on. We're doing a recording here. No, no, no.

We'll pause it. Hang on. My neighbor. a recording here. No, no, no. We'll pause it. Hang on. My neighbor. I won't say your name. Well, not neighbor Dave. All right. Let's take a break. Okay.

Okay. All right. That was it. That gave us a place to go. Our neighbor across the street just came over. Again, I've been up in Tucson. It's my first, I think I haven't been to the Funhouse in a month. So I'm taking care of Bertine's mother.

Every day or two, I bring her over food, and she shows me all the same pictures of katherine bertine who she calls kate and uh says this is my daughter she was a skater and i've stopped telling her that's the reason i'm here is because i know your daughter and when her daughter talks to her oh i heard doug Doug stopped by and brought you throws for your new chairs that he bought you. You know Doug? So she was an interior decorator for most of her life, and her tastes are quite a bit different than mine.

Bingo's been to her house house and it's a lot of copper it looks like uh what was someone came up with the name the the chain cracker barrel cracker barrel her yeah a lot of country collection yeah a lot of uh you know victorian copper things and so you have a lot of sleds on the wall not quite like that uh but everything's you know immaculate because she wanted me to buy her chairs because i had wing chairs and i don't know what's happened to all my stuff well i'm guessing she doesn't listen to the podcast so i'll tell you they fucking get rid of it all there's a few things in the storage and they just keep saying, yeah, we'll get that soon. So you added to the horde.

Yeah, but it's not a horde. They described it. When you saw Mother's Horde, you go, oh, yeah, this could be on the TV show. Hers, she just has too much shit, but it's all immaculate. She doesn't do anything with it she just wanders around and chain smokes and drinks dr pepper uh and there's nothing wrong with that uh but she said when you say wing chair you mean a wing back right no she calls them wing chairs uh the accent chairs are the ones i replaced them with from fuck you Sam Levitt's furniture. Did I ever

get to that on another podcast? Well, fuck you Sam Levitt's furniture. Oddly enough, no letter from their corporate. Not banned from a Sam Levitt. Not banned from Sam Levitt. Or a Sam's or a Jim's or a Harvey's. I did not go to

Yelp yet about Sam Levitt. So anyway, she said, I go, I have to go back home. It's been five weeks since I've been home. Really? Yeah, I tell you this every day. Well, I change the amount of weeks every week. every week. I said,

there's a, you know, building an addition and it's, you know, taken almost a year now. So I have to go check in. Oh, what are you building?

Can you take a lot of pictures for me? Because, you know, I used to be an interior decorator. Wait, you're taking care of Emo Phillips? I'll come over.

Taking care of the lady from Grey Gardens. So yeah, I said, I'll take some pictures because you keep showing me the same pictures of your daughter skating when she was 15 and telling me that you have a daughter. So the least I can do is

show you my pictures every single day while you get your egg salad croissant sandwich from Safeway. that you have a daughter. So the least I can do is show you my pictures every single day while you get your egg salad croissant sandwich from Safeway. So I was taking pictures out front today because this place is in shambles. I mean, I can still show her the goofy shit and the colors and all that,

but I mean, there's construction shit everywhere. But I was taking pictures of the outside because the phone i got a phone booth out there and i got parking meters i put in and so i'm taking a bunch of pictures of the outside of the fence and my neighbor he's got to 85, 90, 106. He's the sweetest guy ever. This is not Neighbor Dave. He's a nice fucking guy. And he said, I was with my son while you were taking pictures across the street. And I told him, he's taking pictures of things on his fence. And my son said, well well what's wrong with that

and then i thought well there is nothing wrong with that and then i felt bad for even thinking there is something wrong with that and i i couldn't live with myself, and I wanted to come over and apologize for thinking that. And I said, I so want to give you a hug. What, do you judge dread all of a sudden? Oh, man. Minority report, man. That makes the part that I heard while I went out to take a piss make more sense, because he goes, I heard the old man all apologetically like

and then i come over and i interrupt you so it just keeps compounding that is so sweet if i if i went to someone's house and apologized to them every time i had a vaguely negative thought about them i would be very busy and sad oh man olivia this is the seventh time you've come over today what what is going on I would be very busy and sad. Oh, man. Olivia, this is the seventh time you've come over today. What is going on? Can we do a blanket one? Just call me once in the morning.

You know, Olivia, until our paths bifurcate, you're basically a cast member now. Do we make that official? Just like SNL? Yeah, you're no longer just a writer. So many. I mean, the rigorous amount of vetting that goes into people like you and Gump. I mean, it's just so crazy. So crazy.

I mean, thank your lucky stars you made it. Thanks for having me. I was just making the joke that you used to be a writer, but that's a funny thing to do, especially on podcasts that really suck and were hammered, is give writer credits in the notes and just say written by and then just people like this is all yeah like we all scripted oh no stand up it's a very dim view of uh of improv we this is everything is scripted on this yeah it's uh this was all written by mishka Shibali. And James Inman.

Yep. That would make sense. Why would you keep him in a loop? Because he writes himself in. Oh, that's fucking funny. So, yeah, after the last podcast, Charlie, Chuck, Chuck the intern, someone came up with a good nickname for him. I forget what it was.

Shut the fuck up, Chuck. Yeah, Chuck, his first podcast got glowing reviews on the Twitter. And then after that last one, talking about how he amps up the amps up the craps tables.

Yeah, I'd forgotten what he talked about because I was still stewing in my casino issues. But yeah, it was a cooler that came over to Which never existed in real life at any. I didn't talk about it on the podcast

because we had another angle we were going on, but for a casino to go over, hey, get over to the table, cool that guy down, he's up $3,500. They don't fucking give a shit about that. And Tom Konopka was here this weekend working with me, and we were talking about that. Because Tom had worked in Atlantic City.

He ran tax tables and stuff. Old school. Vegas, too. He's all, Charlie, they send limos to the airport for guys like you. Nothing you do is going to bother them as long as you're spending money.

It's true. If Charlie thinks that that's what's working, but I think that's not what graded people. Point being, the first podcast he was on, he did the same thing he'd start a story that was interesting and then somehow bury himself and yeah

so yeah she said I fuck Thailand hookers and I don't tip or whatever I think my mom and dad are gonna find out I was married when they hear this podcast yeah he had some good stuff there yeah this last one he got a lot of negative reviews on the Twitter.

He got enough, but he takes that in stride. Yeah. I mean, he was here for a couple days after that. Yeah, no, he's a good dude. Yeah, we're going to have to go after that. That's a more important one. I should probably shelve all this Caesar's Palace casino properties thing until I get a serious fucking axe to grind that he I'd already just been done with it. But Charlie said, oh, no, I can I can write this ship.

Leave it to me here. And yeah, that's failed miserably so far. Wait till Monday. We're going to call together. All right. Well, so. Well, see, my point is report. That's failed miserably so far. Wait till Monday. We're going to call together. All right. Well, so. Look, see, I'm at your deadline report.

Olivia is now a regular cast member at Olivia Does Bits. Please tell her that you always love her. She will never go chuck the intern on you. But yeah, we're both in Tucson.ivia's the opposite of chuck the intern in the well in at least in one way and that i want her to say more stuff it's always funny but uh but yeah she'll be on tour with us uh and i we're probably going to extend the tour into uh the uh the winter. Someone was asking about that, and my answers,

because I don't like to wait or bother you if I can answer, is that you traditionally do not tour after October. No, Thanksgiving. Well, I mean, tour, tour. You'll do one-offs and stuff like that, but the rule of thumb is from Thanksgiving until the New Year's, you don't usually tour. Yeah, and well, then I started buying a lot of cars, and this stupid addition to my house is still not done. So, yeah, I probably tour a little bit more. Mm-hmm.

uh after we we'll see where we lay after this uh yeah first run but eventually we're gonna start hitting the bigger cities thank you everyone who's saying come here come here yeah we're coming there the bigger cities what oh yeah get a fucking set worked out before yeah i'm gonna play uh uh kalamazoo michigan before i come back to seattle or baltimore or philly you mean traverse city is not one of the premium traverse city might be a workout room but we are gonna have fucking fun and that's uh that's i i i'm gonna i'm trying to channel my inner bert kreischer i go all right let's make this a party not everything has to be breaking new ground i've broken as much fucking ground as i can think of we're gonna have a lot of fucking fun and uh yeah then we're gonna take that to your austins and your dallas and your you know all those places uh and uh i'm looking forward to it you know just so i'm looking at the

dates here starting september 8th in milwaukee uh trouth music hall on sept September 23rd in Buffalo. Oh, I love Trouth. Yeah. I wanted to film there. Yeah. That's a badass little... It's kind of like a playhouse theater because you have audience on three sides and that stage comes out like a...

Yeah. And that one, and then where's the other one? Howlin' Wolf. Howlin' Wolf. Howlin' Wolf in New Orleans just got added. Yeah, yeah. That's a sweaty box, but it's always fun down there. It is.

No, it's absolutely fun. And that'll be at the, I think that's probably the third to last date. I think we're doing, he's trying to put together Houston and San Antonio on the way back. They're trying to put together Houston and San Antonio on the way back. Yeah. And just stay on the dates, people, and be on the mailing list, and we'll tell you when we're playing near you. If you're on the mailing list, what Doug's manager at Hennigan does is he books a date, and it's confirmed, like the Buffalo date,

and then he will send an email regionally to the area of the people that will be able to actually drive. Yeah, and not just Buffalo proper. Not Florida doesn't get the Buffalo New York date. Go to the website of the people that will be able to actually drive and not just buffalo proper doesn't get the buffalo new york date go to the website but yeah new york does yeah so so yeah be on that and if you like i've got the the reverse emails lately where people go i signed up for your mailing list and i've never gotten a thing this doesn doesn't work. Well, that's probably because I don't play Western Kansas. I'm not in Hays, Nebraska.

That's actually Hays, Kansas. I think people don't understand like geo-targeting of advertising, how that works. They certainly understand if you send them too many fucking emails and then they fucking cancel. So, you know, we might do that. I'll talk to Hennegan of like sending out, once we get all of the dates, send out one blast to everyone on the list.

Just do it to reply. We're still here. Yeah. Just don't have anything in your area right now. Maybe if you don't see it. So, but yeah, Olivia Grace will be on all of this. So she's going to be on every podcast and I'm happy to call her a cast member and and we'll be doing yoga on the road oh my god yeah olivia's gonna when are you gonna be playing here in bisbee you're gonna have a show oh shit

yes at chucklehead soon right yes me and my best friend tom goss are doing chuckleheads tom and i have been friends for for a really long time we've been talking about doing a show together for a really long time. And we're doing Chuckleheads on August 9th here in Bisbee. And I'm very excited about that. Tom is so funny. He was in Vegas. Yes. And he actually did one of the episodes of the Brett Erickson, Andy Andrist podcast that is yet to air.

I remember it was a couple days in, but he actually said words to me at one point. No, i remember he came over to you because he was telling you he's like hey you know olivia is such a huge fan of you and she's a little shy because she's had a lot of weird experiences in her life but i just wanted to let you know that i know that she loves you and then you turned and yelled across the the casino floor, Olivia, we're gonna murder you. Which is exactly what her fear was. No, that's what Tom was trying to get across without like... And I didn't get banned from that casino.

They heard you threaten a female on the casino floor and nothing happened. They've never once sent an email They heard you threaten a female on the casino floor and nothing happened. A closet. Murder. They've never once sent an email inquiring to us if she's okay. I don't even care. I hope I thanked, and I can't remember his name,

but the hotel manager that drove us back to the airport did send us, we did talk about this good, he did send us this giant print. It's like a four foot high print of old school Union Plaza back in those days of the ones they keep in the rooms. And they sent us one for the backdrop of the podcast, which will eventually be somewhere in here. Once all this construction is done, I want to redo everything. I want to just do shit out, sweep out furniture, sweep it all into the street done. I want to redo everything. I want to just douche it out, sweep out furniture, sweep it all into the street. You're going to have to. Oh my god. I was just noticing today because I

was doing some mopping up on some of the new floors. Just because the doors are always open and there's guys in there with the chop saws and they're sanding. There is just a fine powder of dust everywhere. All the way into the kitchen which is in the opposite end of the house so yeah but now the doors are up so uh we can

yeah we'll save that for the next podcast because i want to i want to talk to you about a lot of stuff but olivia grace olivia actually did yoga with us that was so. I was a big skeptic of it, but I had a blast. Afterwards, I was like... I was sitting on the floor for like a half an hour afterwards. I was in such a good headspace, I didn't want to move. I loved it.

Hey, for the listeners who are panicking, we're saying this on our third or fourth cocktail while Jane's smoking. Don't worry. Balance. Finding some balance.

But it's, yeah. And you were very reticent to jump in and afterwards you couldn't fucking stop. Yeah, no, I was having a good time. I'm all for it. Just because Tanya does it in a way where it's not like, there's nothing hoity-toity about it. It's just like...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys are going to Tanya now? What? I thought you guys were doing this at the house. No, no. She comes to the house. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.

We're not fucking... Come on. We're not doing this in front of people. Yeah, I know. That's a whole new show. There's nothing hoity-toity about it. They just make the instructor come to them that's a really fair point that's a really fair point look i'm just along for the ride guys

uh no i get what you're saying though because it's it's the the simplicity probably from why i mean i wasn't there but rather than than the mumbo jumbo, the fucking yoga teacher. That's what Tanya doesn't do. And bingo, when she would go to yoga here, bingo is here. She's mute. No, she doesn't. She already waved me off like a fucking catcher. She'd go to yoga here, and you'd have teachers that ring a fucking

bell or a gong and find your she doesn't give a fuck yeah you feel that that hurts that's what she does yeah and yeah it's just there's I like the like the challenge of it like even just like the whole standing on one

leg thing and trying to figure out ways to like focus enough to be able to do it that was like really fun i was so happy you were fucking that up at first too because i was a it was that they get turned into a whole class because valentina was at that and julie julie sebar was at that yeah uh all the girls got together yep well we had a blast I think my favorite part of the class it does help to do it with you and like just our

people we know I hope everybody else is picturing Doug in yoga pants during this whole thing you can picture it however you want but picture it that way I'll find some I don't think I could go to a class though because there was something cool about like knowing that like okay we're all comfortable with each other already you

know what i mean like so um any of that no no one gets so? I did almost fart. But I was aware of it. Because that's what Tanya teaches you. Yeah. And I did afterwards, too. At the end, we just laid down for five minutes. And I almost started crying because I was so relaxed. That bunch of fucking men. Oh, wait.

Right at the end, because I'm taking care of a demented cat, which we'll get to. Oh, I hate that guy. So there's been some, I don't know, of a stray or neighbor cat that has come and fucking fought our cat. Our cat is a very small cat. A little torty, the black and orange? Yeah, the calico. Wait, that cat thinks it's a badass with human beings. Oh, yeah.

It gets its ass kicked from other cats? All I know, I've woken up at 5.30 in the morning to a cat fight. Sounds like the most brutal thing. So I fucking, every time I see this tiger cat come over, I fucking go out hissing like a fucking cat fight like I'm trying to scare off a bear and send that fucking thing running so

as okay I'm still I'm still picturing him in yoga pants so it's at the end of an hour of yoga and then it's all right quiet and now just relax and just lay back and just she plays a fucking song and just yeah just sit there for a minute and then i as that's ending i hear which is not my cat. I know the other cat's voice.

So I go, I'm sorry but I have to do this. Get the fuck out of my house! So that's how yoga ended. All relaxing and then me chasing a cat out into the fucking street.

The cat. The other night. Olivia and I are working on a separate project. I'm almost ready to just tell you the project I'm working on is... I just... I have to get Brian to give me the okay on when it's okay to say. But it's... But we're working on a separate

thing and we're outside smoking the other night and then the cat the cat is probably what do you think like six pounds it's a small it's a really small cat yeah and she's also just in general kind of a dick i think maybe that's me i have i haven't tried to pet that cat but i've watched other people try to pet the cat and it knocks the shit out of you no it does have claws no she doesn't use them is what she's saying at first with you but now i think it's escalated to you yeah did you tweet that picture where the cat took all those shits on the couch yeah yeah that's the cat we're talking about yeah well now so i put those at first it was trying to shit in the fireplace because it's not used to staying where i stay and i taught it how to use a

cat door which it does know how to do, but it doesn't use that opportunity to shit outside. Maybe you need to show it. It was using... How do you do that? Oh, that leads me to another story altogether. Kick it through the cat door and then squeeze it.

You gotta get the right angle. Hold it with the 57 up. Doug's cat training. I'll come to your house and train them quick it was shitting in the fireplace so i got some of those uh dollar store dollar tree uh aluminum turkey pans to put in front of the fireplace so So if it tried to get in there, I would hear the racket it would make. And then so it just started shitting on the couch. So then I put the aluminum pipe pans on top of the couch, and now it just shits in the aluminum pipe pans.

But it's saving the couch. I only got a month left. I'm short here. It gives you a reason to keep going to the dollar store and buy aluminum pans. No, I let it shit in the same pan. Oh, shit. That's unsanitary.

I empty it. Oh, no. Wait, did you put kitty litter in the pans? No, just shits in there. I put the cat box back in the fucking house, and it won't use the cat box anymore. It keeps shitting in the pans. Sure, why not? Have you tried putting the pants outside?

The pants look fancy. So we're outside. Olivia and I are outside smoking the other night and the cat caught a pack rat, which a rat and yeah big rat though and anytime this cat catches something i have hope that we can do something about it you know that we can like make sure the thing doesn't die you know like it happened when chuck had to tear the rabbit out of mouth and and then tiny ass cat and that large game awful cat and we i was inside and you were like olivia grab the treats it's got a rat so i was like okay maybe there's hope this time by the time i get outside the rat's head is off wow it's like relent, the cat is relentlessly eating, shamelessly eating a rat.

But you know when it's silent and you listen to a cat eat a rodent of any kind and you're hearing the bones crunch and the pelvic bones snap and then it flips out the guts and the guts come out all in a trail. So it's bobbing its head up to try to catch guts in its mouth my cat would lick as it went down like an ice cream cone as it bit down and lick so there was it would eat an entire rat and never leave a drop of blood and you'd listen to those crunching it was amazing so she's trying to go oh this is gross over it i'm like shush shush you're missing the sounds the glorious sounds olivia trying to deafen that's i was trying to talk over it so i don't live with it i like i was i can't eat there anymore because all i think about is the cat eating the i found it so upsetting like i it. Like, it takes a lot to shake me,

and I found it profoundly unsettling. Because at one point, the cat took the rat's stomach, pulled it out, and then changed its mind about eating it and then just left it by its head. Oh, that's the other part that's out there? I think it's...

Well, I'm not a rat biologist, but it's clearly whatever part, the one organ that the cat didn't want to eat. My cat once ate a giant pack rat and ate every single bit, like I said, with no drop, except it was pregnant and it just left a pile of

babies. It didn't eat the babies. It ate everything around the babies. That's bad luck. That's a pack rat with heart. That cat's got morals. It was so upsetting. And then at one point, the cat is in my bed. Like, immediately after.

One kisses. Yeah. Gross. God. I have a couple places to go. First of all, the rat head is still out there. I'm leaving it. And I think that must be the stomach,

because there is a piece of guts out there. It's starting to stink a little bit, but it's outside. So, yeah, I've named the rat head Buddy, and he's my buddy. He's your smoke buddy. I told Olivia that when we go to the thrift store next, I'm going to look for a rat body for my rat friend Buddy. My rat head. buddy and your smoke buddy i told olivia that when we go to the thrift store next i'm gonna look for a rat body for my rat friend buddy my rat head my rat head friend it's 115 degrees over there i think it's gonna be mummified in two days you know what's weird is one day i saw a

little tiny ants going towards it but it's so fucking hot that since you don't even see insects near it because it's too hot for ants to probably run on pavement up there it's so fucking hot in tucson oh it's so brutal it has kept my smoking in check because i'll just smoke like three drags and go fuck this i'm going back in until it drove you back to Bisbee where you can smoke in the air conditioning. Oh, we had Africanized bees. Not killer, but they've been sleeping around. They're not killer bees yet, but they've fucked killer bees. So it's weird the bee guy came

to uh it's like it's a big fountain on this you know compound it's supposed to have water running through it but that's busted and now it's like a water course it's like a it starts up at the high area of the property and then it works its way down saint francis statue is in the middle of it and he's supposed to be spitting stuff, but now he just looks like he's holding a fucking super soaker. It's very Tucson-y. It's an epitome of Tucson. Yeah.

It's a ritzy neighborhood, too. Adobe arches and whatnot. So the landscapers came by to blow the dust off of shit onto other dust, to blow the dust off of shit onto other dust. And they found a squad of bees, angry bees inside the masonry of this edifice. Hey, wow, I just came up with two big words words but I said them like I was retarded could you read me a bedtime soliloquy hey the retarded guy just said soliloquy so they found these bees and they go hey we know a guy that will remove the hive and relocate it to a better.

I go, that sounds like a scam, but this is your money, Bertine. Hey, they're going to come. So the guy came and he goes, yeah, you're going to want to be inside. I'm outside smoking when the guy shows up. You're going to want to be inside when this shit goes down because they're going to be pissed off. And I watched him through the window with the beekeeper suit and the bees going crazy and chiseling out he had to take out stones it's

like a stone wall it's he's busting them out and found the hive and scraping out honeycombs with a spatula and put them in a thing and he says he brings them back and he'll requeen them wherever okay you're right on. They don't kill them. Sometimes here people kill them. They'll just go in and kill all the whole fucking Oh, no, that was my idea. I go, why are you going to hire this fucking guy? What you do is you square them with a hose? No,

no, you wrap fucking paper towels and rubber band them around a can of bee killer, wasp killer, and set the paper towels on fire, chuck that in, and then shoot the can with a BB gun. Napalm them out. Yeah.

And then fucking aerosol. Fucking boom. Yeah, you're dead, motherfucker. All right. So what happened? It's not like it would ruin the edifice of the masonry. No, no. It works especially well in the masonry edifice because there's nothing to catch on fire.

It's stone and dirt. Just bees. Just bees. Bees and honey. And then you can go eat your burnt honey. What's the difference between killer bees and Africanized bees? Nothing. Oh, I was going to say, but he broke this down to me

and it sounded so racist. this down to me and it's so sounded so racist he said you know Africanized bees like they don't because they're interbred with you know or they're from Africa where the

setting's different they have to be more aggressive in their terrain to survive they came over and fucked all our white bees. He was just talking about the natural demeanor of African bees. And he said, it's like if you took a gangbanger and dropped him off at school in this neighborhood, it's going to be hard for him to fit in. That's not the right analogy for saying African anything. This is a very ghetto bee removal service, it sounds like. That doesn't sound scientific at all.

He was trying to talk to a special needs person like me. Jesus. So the point of this story, which Bertine talked to him after

Bertine's in New York or Paris or whatever she's doing and she said, did you talk to Gabriel after? He said that when he was in there, there was obviously a pack rat. Oh, maybe this is the same pack rat. Maybe now you're going to love this story. He said there was a pack rat, obviously. And there was this and that, that pack rats bring into small fucking caves like that.

And he said, and you know Bertine and even the listeners, if you've heard her on the podcast, that's the fucking genuine article. She is Mary fucking Poppins all the time. Happy. so so she said but one of the things he said he found odd was there was human feces the pack rat brought down and i thought you're not shitting in the yard are you no i'm not shitting in the yard she's seen me be lazy and go piss on her rocks and stuff but yeah i'm not taking her shit she goes and then i thought well maybe his friends i go i don't have shit in your yard friends how does he know that's human feces well he deals with these pack rats quite a bit doing what he does so i don't i i don't think you would but I'm giving her her mother's voice I'm sorry

did you stop shitting in the yard since you busted your elbow gotta find another way to train that cat come on like this maybe that's why the pack rat the cat didn't eat the pack rat's stomach oh

that makes it so much more gross that it's just sitting by the door. A stomach sack full of human feces. That's why that cat is a psycho. It's just like left it to look at its own stomach. Just what's left of the head. That cat

will attack you have we talked about i wanted to give the cat a chance but i like whenever i go over there i cannot even look at the cat anymore i'm so profoundly disturbed by the relentless eating twice a day the same way henry chaley i caught chaley doing what i do yesterday. Oh, yeah. I was shitting the yard. Hey, dude, anybody ask Charlie if he was shitting in the yard? I wouldn't put it past Charlie. You keep saying walk the dogs, plural. Ichabod is dead.

Chaley bought a beautiful headstone for where we buried him behind. Hey, there's a headstone for the dog before the fucking edition is finished. Be a gentleman. So that's on there. And we actually have koozies. Yeah. A three pack of koozies. We're going to be selling. We got a new design for Killer Termite.

And we got the Bisbee booze Bags, which is an old design. I love that logo. Same guy did those. It's AcmeTiki.com. But, yeah, he does that. And then we have a... We have a Memorial Ichabod. It's Ichabod on one side.

And then Be a Gentleman, quote. That was when Bingo first got Ichabod as a puppy and she brought him to dog training. And that's all she took from training. The dog was the phrase. Be a gentleman. Be a gentleman. And then she said, I thought it was cuter than sit. She says from the cheap seats.

But yeah, the dog's running roughshod and she just keep yelling be a gentleman, be a gentleman. He's chewing up your shoe, be a gentleman. Nothing's working. Or your seatbelt while you're on a cross-country cruise. Yeah, choose through the seatbelt. Nearly. Just enough to leave a

just a strand to start to dig through your shoulder bone. Cut you like a cheese slicer in a 12 milemile-an-hour accident. Yeah, all three of those, it's a three-pack for $10, and they're on the website, dougstanhope.com. They're good beer koozies, like neoprene, like your beer kind. I like them.

So those are available. Here's what I just thought of. Who do any of us know that shit's solid enough for a pack rat to take it home? I was going to say that to Bertine, but that's like too gross. Like, I really wear kit gloves around Bertine because she's nice. But I was going to say that to her. All my friends have liquid shits. Try again.

Don't you know none of us shit solid? I had to stop myself from saying that. Yeah, if we were gonna shit in your yard, Bertine, it would just be black water. Oh, black water. Keep on rolling. So that's the aha moment

of this whole scenario? Aha! None of my friends shit solid. So's the aha moment of this whole scenario. Aha! None of my friends shit solid. So's the deal swear. Thank you, Matlock. Yeah, Bingo and I, we have a very poop-centric relationship. First of all, I try keep like our things are things because

Olivia Grace has irritable bowel syndrome sometimes I feel like I'm co-mingling the relationship because I have to give her shit about her shit but I go that's me and Bingo's thing kind of sacred right there

but I really did start to say that to on the phone and i first of all that's not really crossing sacred ground but i don't really want to explain my extensively fucking oh my god i've left I've left some problems for Olivia Grace. Not on purpose. We're fucking just back splatter that said Andy Andrist once called it the drag me to hell shit.

It flushes. Claw marks down the porcelain. Yes. Like the splatter was trying to save itself i stayed in a motel six the other day they thought they fucked me over jokes on you motherfuckers you should stay at the rio all suites hotel in las vegas if you have the shits like that. Good thing Catherine Bertine

does not listen to this podcast every single week. Sorry about your toilet. Stano called me yesterday and I was literally mid- laugh because i had opened my phone and opened twitter and the first thing i saw was stanhope's uh uh tweet about the cat eating cigarette butts and i was fucking laughing my ass off showing jenny and the phone rings and it says stan i answered the phone by laughing what are you doing i'm

fucking laughing at your tweet as you're calling me the cow is like going nuts like the cigarette but she does a couple times a day that's how we got here to begin with is the dogs like the dogs get cranky at sunrise sunset the cat down. You don't walk a cat. But now she wants to play. So she plays, I chase her, and then she hides behind things and attacks me when I walk by. Even when you're not playing.

I'm typing and all of a sudden a cat jumps up and bites my fucking knee and runs off to remind me it's playtime. And then she starts getting fucking really vicious. And then she'll come after you. So making yourself big to go after a bear makes her come after you and get big. And she walks sideways with her tail high and the back feathers high and walks sideways at you with her eyes black hissing

and she's fucked. Now she's serious. How do you shut your eyes in that house at night? I would be so fucking terrified. I'm picturing all the future cyclist chicks who have to deal with this psycho cat just attacking the shit out of them.

Especially the ninth one who has to sleep on the couch. Well, no, that's the... Here, here. We's the... Here. Here. Here, hold this pan. This is the oddest blanket. Is this aluminum?

If you want it, put it over your head, too. You gotta sleep under it. Talk about a Dutch oven. Oh, man. So the cat... Anyway, I forget forget where i was it doesn't matter i'm so not a fan of that cat i always try to give cats the benefit of the doubt wait do you like animals i love animals do you like cats no not anymore cats are predators well so are dogs but

dogs like won't disembowel a rat in front of you at least without feeling that's what pissed me off about it cause it was clearly a power move you know what I mean like or like I was yelling like fuck you kitty please stop and Doug was like don't

be a gentleman and then you were like yelling like, fuck you, kitty, please stop. And Doug was like, don't. Be a gentleman. Be a gentleman, Tracy said. And then you were like, well, don't tell it to stop because we want it to eat as much of it as it can so we don't have to clean it up. Yes. Yeah. It's like when your dog pukes

and you pretend it didn't because you know if you look again in about 30 minutes it might not be there. that's what bothered me about it i was mad mad at the cat and the cat didn't give a fuck that i was upset cats are fucking apex predators cats are badass yeah i don't know i had one time we got a new kitten and uh i decided to introduce it to the dogs and uh we were in the bathroom and uh i lowered it down and the cat freaked the fuck out over the dogs and just turned around and clamped onto my forearm with all four and was ripping the fuck out of me i didn't know what to do i couldn't get off. I was scared of a fucking tiny cat.

I turned on the bathtub and tried to run it underneath thinking it would let go and it just pissed it off more. No shit. I didn't know what the fuck. I had to take it away from all the dogs and then just let it run off into the rest of the house. That was crazy.

Cats are fucking brutal and scary. I think I've trained her into that, because I play along when it's you chase me, now I chase you, and then you get behind the curtain thing, and then I tease you with it. First, I did that with my finger,

and it went right through a thick fucking curtain, and I, all right, I had a Band-Aid for a week, because I'm a pussy. So now I use a sticky thing, and then, but then it gets but now it just kind of goes straight to crazy because it it's kind of like if when you first jerk off to porn and then you learn i'll fast forward to the good part she goes right to the good part where she and the the bed if i jump onto the bed, that's a safe space. She will not come on the bed because then I think we're on equal ground. I don't know.

So I'm Matt. She needs to shit on there, too. She won't go near it. Oh, that place is gross. Sleeping in my old shitting grounds. I was going to tell you, Chaley. I was going to tell you, Chaley, there's a... I bought a...

just a thrift store CD alarm clock radio thing. And I play... I've got some thrift store swing and classical and mood music. Like CDs? Yeah, CDs. Just background music.

Because otherwise my head starts playing shit but they don't auto yeah they don't start over again so if it goes blank then my head goes back to playing whatever it plays and i've had songs that like there's no other influence in this house it's not like that song got stuck in my head because i was at safeway and it was on the music or anything and so when i got i i i've been occasionally taking edibles to go to bed and a couple times it doesn't work for the bed part so and then i'm just high which is fine if i'm alone if i'm around other people high is bad and if i'm around twitter if you were around the other night and saw my fucking high tweets

but uh i broke down i broke down like why some of these songs get stuck in my head i go what is it about there was there's one it's's a... Fuck. It makes no sense. But anyway, I made sense of two of them. One of them is your song. The one you sing all the time. The Violent Femmes. Why can't I get just one fuck?

Blister in the Sun. No, that's a different song. But that's Violent Femmes? Yeah. Yeah. Why can't again. Just one fuck. Blister in the sun. That's a different song. But that's Violent Femmes? Yeah. Day after day. Nothing, something, something when you're between my thighs. What's the verse?

Words hypnotize. Words something. Nothing I can say when I'm between your thighs. Words make my mouth exercise. Nothing I can say when I'm between your thighs words make my mouth exercise nothing i can say when i'm in your thighs oh my mama mama my mom happy walking around number one till it went down and he got him a guy so don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me you know you got my sympathies don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me i realized it's because in the morning the only time the cat's nice is i wake up and she's sleeping in between my thighs where i'm sprawled out and she's fucking curled up there and i figured

that out because i was high high is actually not a bad thing with edibles if I can do it alone I think it's really going to help my writing and I have to experiment with it the other one is Olivia Grace crashes over there so much and she fucking stays up till to her credit I'll fucking pass out with a Xanax and she'll stay up till four o'clock in the morning and do all the dishes and clean the whole house because she's got those hours and I'm never going to get those hours back I'm never going to be so so I and then she'll sleep till fucking 1 30 in the afternoon so I'm fucking and that's where I figured out why a Melon is always in my head. I'll always be there when you wake. And I go, fuck, that's why.

But it's weird how a song, I'll always be there when you wake, that lyric from. No Rain. No Rain. Yeah, Blind Melon. So, yeah, I'm like, I'm breaking these fucking down. That's pretty high. I forgot why he brought this up. I'm like, I'm breaking these fucking down. That's pretty high. Yeah.

I forgot why he brought this up. I was like, oh, because he's fucking high. I was trying to make sense of it until I remembered. I'm like, oh yeah, that's pretty high. But I mean, this is, we're at two months in this fucking shining atmosphere, which again, borderlines on Witches of Eastwick, depending on what kind of fucking yoga class of women is going on. You jumped into bizarro world, I would say.

I jumped quickly. Yeah, yeah. I had to make a rash decision. And, yeah, so far it's working out. Mount Lemmon is beautiful. I finally get up there. I always wanted to go up there because there's an observatory up there and is there camping up there there's a lake up there we've camped up

there when my kids were younger yeah there's a lake up there you can camp at mount lemon's great there's snow skiing up there in the winter the only place yeah yep yeah that place is awesome i envy that because i i do i do see the pictures of you going hiking and stuff. Because I just saw my cousin. Oh, that Sabino Canyon. When we were up in Phoenix last week to see Adam Conover, I met up with my cousin. And he was telling me that where you are situated with the homestretch, you're near the Tanque Verde Falls.

And I go, oh, he's been there. And he says those falls are amazing. And you never took a tanque verde falls and i go oh he's been there and he says those falls are amazing and uh you never took a picture of the falls but you did take a picture walking up well just because it was june and there's no rain so there's no falls like she she woke me up and said oh you might want to wear different shoes because we're going to have to forge three rivers i'm like this is like beggcker's property down in Costa Rica. You're going to go through the crocodile water to get to the beach. All right.

We'll have more on the Patreon podcast. Tell them how to sponsor us on Patreon. Patreon, if you become a sponsor for as little as a dollar a month. And a dollar a month makes a fucking difference it does don't be you know worry about being fucking cheap thank you to everyone who has subscribed we will do an extra podcast a month and once

you subscribe you get access to all of those and we're doing one coming up and you go to patreon.com slash Stanhope podcast yeah thank you for me too. Yep. And you know what? Thank you.

This show can use the fucking money. But I also pay it ford where I tweeted that, where that chick with the black eye, did we talk about this on the podcast? No, but I saw your tweet and I fucking love that kind of shit about you. Sitting out back smoking. Hey, Catherine Bertine. Yes, sometimes smoking saves

lives. I was outside smoking and I heard what sounded like a gunshot and then I go because there's a major tank A Verde behind me. It's a four lane. Yes, a four lane with a median.

It's a divided road. And it's in a quiet part of town. So, boom, I thought someone's engine exploded or 9-11 happened again. And then I hear a flap flap flap flap so I walk out and I see someone blew a tire and they're pulled into where we have to pull in to the gated community

so I walk down and said hey come on in and then I see she's got all of her shit in her car she obviously you know she ain't affluent rough spot yeah and I said come on in just

drive real slow on the tires gone it's not a flat it's like I was picking up pieces as I walked down to where she's parked and we brought her in Olivia you were there yeah so brought her in and Olivia, you were there. Yeah. So brought her in, and she had a black eye. All her shit's in her car.

And I'm saying, oh, my friend Olivia. I'm trying to let her know while I'm bringing her into a fucking weird, empty, compounded. Don't worry. There's a woman here. A dead rat head. I'm going to step over it. empty compounded don't worry there's a woman here dead rat head Stanhope didn't live in as many trailer parks as me he doesn't know she was ready to suck

a dick for a tire she wasn't scared buddy I'm calling some friends over I need four tires so I called do you have triple a no okay I'll use you didn't say that you fucking smart ass hey a lot of people with black eyes and

piece of shit cars have triple a because of me so maybe she knows a comic shit cars have triple A because of me, so maybe she knows a comic. That's pretty hilarious. So we brought her in and I called triple A. She doesn't even know what triple A is. She thought it was like a venereal disease. No, no, I'm clean. I'm clean.

I didn't even finish AA. Much less get my masters. I didn't even know there was a third A. But we brought her in, and do you want something to eat or drink? And I called AAA, and it's going to be a long time, and now we're going to have to chat with her and ignore her black eye. How did that happen?

She finally explained it. She said that, yeah, she was outside of her car earlier in the week. Walked into a door? No, the door blew into her face. Good one. Her car door blew into her face. Does her door have four knuckles? And then she said, it's weird that that was the tire that blew up

because the other tire is bald and I thought that was going to blow up, but that's a front tire and thank God because I could have gone into traffic and she was fucked. Her whole life was fucked on her face. I mean, her expressions. Just, you could see, like... A giant black eye.

Life had really fucked your face, is what I'm trying to say. I'll tell you her name afterwards, because, well, you'll actually remember, but I won't say it but it was it was like uh anyway i'm trying to find an analogy it was some weird like that's your real name yeah and i married into the last name so now i'm uh you know potholed road or something. I know it sounds like a stripper name.

Oh, she was not a stripper. Anyway, so... Well, not this week. She's got a black eye. We got her to... Because she didn't live in the area, obviously. It's in an affluent neighborhood. We got her to tire shop and uh so i yeah because of patreon

yeah i i i bought her four new tires and uh so yeah thank you because when i really dig that stuff that whenever you know Stanhope does that kind of stuff just for people but when I was younger I used to think about that sort of thing I had an incident where my son was dyslexic he couldn't read and

I was trying to get him into reading somehow so I got him into a Stephen King series of books that I read and I bought the one on CD but it was back when audio books were just expensive as fuck on CD. So he had read the entire book listening to the CD. And I was real proud of him. I wrote Stephen King a letter and told him, here's my situation.

But it's going to cost me like $400 to get this whole collection of books that I want to read with my son. And his assistant wrote me back and said, Stephen wants to send you all of these audio books free of charge, some were on cassette and some were on CD. Wow. And it was amazing. But I had always thought people who have a little bit of means don't realize how much it means to somebody who doesn't have anything. You can change your life.

It doesn't change your life at all, but it changes their life a lot. And that's fucking, that's really cool. I fucking think that's awesome. Yeah. Frida at our cost cutters. What's a cost cutter? Cost cutters, hairers. Oh, all right.

Yeah, I shouldn't even mention their name until Charlie gets turned down for getting them as a sponsor. But Olivia and I have... Yeah, I made that up. Not Ric Flair. Mine's better. Yeah, we go to the same Cost Cutters and we both use a number two shaver all around. And Frida at the Tanque Verde

at Catalina Cost Cutters. It is Cost Cutters, right? Yeah, it's a Cost Cutters. So I went in last and... Is it with K's or C's? There's a frumpy German lady. Someone you picture as a Frida. She's probably

55 or 65 and she's got a thick German accent and picture is a Frida. She's probably 55 or 65 and she's got a thick German accent and she just seems out of sorts a lot and she's come. I've been at that fucking homestretch foundation for so long.

I've gotten three haircuts and I've had my nails done four times. Your nails are a different color every time I see you. Yeah, that's four times. Oh, come on. How many podcasts have we done? We had some banked.

Oh, four, yeah. All right, point being, one day I went in and she was completely, there were five girls and they're all young, kind of cute girls, and she's this dumpy fucking half-brow lady who can't really speak the language or work the computer, and she seems scared.

So that day, she seemed completely out of sorts, and Frida was the only lady there. Can you handle this can you take a customer and she wouldn't even look at the lady she seemed like fucking Rudolph the red nose reindeer around all these other girls she has to work with and she's

always shunned and she's always available that's why she's always cutting my hair and the nose sorry so I tipped her a hundred bucks and my hair and the nose. Sorry. So I tipped her a hundred bucks. And thank you, Patreon.

Yes. Contribute to the Patreon so Doug Stanhope can give these women money and then call them homely on his podcast. Well, she's homely. Oh, just throw Mr. Rockefeller over here

handing out dimes. She seemed like she felt homely. And I didn't know how to do anything other than over tip other than date her and fuck her. So which do you think is the better angle on this, Olivia

Grace? New cast member? I don't think for either of us. I'm as bad of a lay as she is ugly. Nobody's watching that porno. That's for sure. It'd be a funny way to just keep releasing

sex tapes as though they're secret but they're just so unwatchable. No one cares. We've just stumbled onto something, I think. Addiction to pornography is a big thing right now. We could produce pornography tapes that wean people off porn. I'm not watching porn anymore.

Whatever that pill is that makes you vomit when you drink alcohol. Ant abuse. Ant abuse. Jinx. The epic hack of porn. You do porn abuse. Although I think that's already a category.

Epic hack porn. Get that. Get that. Log that domain name. Epic hack porn. Get that, log that domain name, Epicac Porn. So then I brought Olivia Grace in to get, and guess who's available and all by herself?

Frida again. And I go, yeah, number two, same as me and then she was did you see what i saw in that she slowly recognized i was the guy because i don't look like anyone but she kept looking at me and smiling totally yeah she felt a lot of pressure during my haircut she even brought you over to rinse your hair off after you get a buzz cut. Are you guys missing the complete obvious point

that she thinks she's trying to get her to join a cult? You keep bringing people in to get their head shaved and then you tip her $100. You're a recruiter. She's not sure

recruiting for a cult. We could use someone like you. Listen, we're sick of paying for haircuts. Why don't you come on down to the tent? Free dinner. Oh, no, you got to get in the van. You got to get in the van. Second time with Olivia, when I'm paying for it, I said,

listen, I can't tip you $100 every time. She goes, but that meant so much to me. That's not a German accent at all. That meant so much to me. She was a very meager lady. But she was happy to see you again. Because she tipped her well over 100 the second time and like i said take it 20 bucks for a 16 haircut yeah i can't do 100 bucks every time and now i'm never

going back because i can't tip 20 bucks every time patreon's dropping off so fucking step up the numbers and i will tell you the good things that you did, because these are not things I did. These are things that I justified by going, all right, we're doing this Patreon thing now. So I fucking pay that forward and you get all the credit. And remember, if you're watching this on YouTube or somewhere else, if you go to DougStanhope.com there's links to everything you need to know in the show notes so wherever you hear it wherever you watch scrolling pictures of

still shots fuck video so yeah go to DougStanhope.com and you'll get all the links to all the appropriate things thank you and while you're there sign up on the fucking mailing list. So that's a podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Anything we have to clear up. Merch, go to DougStanup.com slash store. And Patreon we talked about. And tour dates, you can get those at DougStanup.com as well. New dates always being listed. And if you get on the mailing list,

that is on the homepage, that is the easiest way to find out when Doug is going to be near. And do not ask me when I'm playing there. You'll know when I'm playing there, but here's the plan is we start in Wisconsin, go up through Michigan, up through upstate New York, and then we're going to cut back.

No, we're not going to go to new England. I know we're close, but we're not. Ohio. Yeah, that's Cleveland knows that. And then we're going to cut down through the southeast and then through New Orleans, Houston, San Antonio

is the plan. But get on the mailing list block that is nothing from New York, Albany, New York to New Orleans. So yes, that will all be filled in. Southeast, yeah. But not Florida. Florida, we fucking obviously we've saved Florida for the fucking winter.

Wait for it. We'll be there. And then the big cities will do when this shit's tight. Twitch. Yeah. Twitch.tv slash HD underscore fatty. It's going really well. We got a lot of people that jump in there and hang out with us.

What are your dates? Like your days of the week that you do it? I try to do Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. But right now it's all scattered up. So it's just kind of hit and miss. But it's follow me on Twitter, HD fatty. Or subscribe. I mean, yeah, at Twitch with the free Amazon Prime.

And appreciate it. Simple as that. Amazon Prime. And I appreciate it. Simple as that. Simple as that. I appreciate it. It really makes a difference. Thank you. No, no, fucking. I love just fucking around with your Twitch.

You have no idea what you're doing with video games, but just to chime in and talk shit and troll other people. When he gets, can I say his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Fury gets on there, and he's so fucking hyper, like trying to get things like, no, go, let's do this. And then there's other people who are just kind of fucking around. You guys put that, you posted that one video of like running into your own guy

and then over off of a cliff where the car falls on him and just you guys yelling at each other is funny you're you guys don't even need to be against another team you guys will get wiped out we have the the only niche market is a twitch where people who don't know how to play video games where the fuck and it's uh yeah there's no pewdiepie i get a hangout this morning we did it and I got to hang out with Joby for about an hour and a half playing video game Joby come home

unless we come see you first tease we really appreciate all your support and thanks we'll be on the road and we'll be coming to your town soon cause I need the money

and I miss you fags. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី guitar solo so that's how yoga ended