The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#326: Men Are Talking… More Sober Than You with comedians Dave Waite and Kelly McInerny

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

It's late night, there has been some drinking and Doug welcomes comedians Dave Waite and Kelly McInerny to the FunHouse for a podcast they are sure would never air. I'm a bit surprised myself. Thanks for listening.A big THANK YOU to our Patreon subscribers. This will be the second episode this week for all of you who support the podast through Patreon. Any level of support helps and we will keep the BONUS episodes coming. All subscribers will automatically have access to all past BONUS episodes..  Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Thanks in advance.New dates being added all the time so get on the mailing list to catch the Fall 2019 Tour Dates at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded May 1st, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Stanhope Store - www.DougStanhope.com/store -  NEW Beer Koozies now available. 3 styles - Killer Termites, Bisbee Booze Bags and Ichabod "Be A Gentleman". http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/koozie-3-pack-aSaxx Underpants – They don't pay us but we still like their product. LINKS -Killer Termites and Bisbee Booze Bags artwork by acmetiki.com (http://acmetiki.com/) - @AcmeTiki (https://twitter.com/AcmeTiki)Ichabod and Stanhope Podcast artwork by Brett Brock - [e-mail] - @HuskyboyoHomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Johnny Depp. I want to hear about that. We'll talk all about it once he turns off the music and he tells me we're recording. King of Fonda, better man. To start. Doug, pull that mic closer to you. Well, I wasn't. Yeah, I got it. Okay, there you go. Yeah, no, I was going to do that.

You were lower on the last podcast. I'm sleeping in the house. Too far away. Oh, okay. I thought you were sleeping in the big house. No, I'm in the house. Listen. Headliner makes it in the house. Listen. In the current climate,

female comics get their own house. I didn't have a choice. Yeah, you don't have a choice. And you have to ask permission to fuck a dude now. So yeah, you get the guest house. There's a sign of shit. Dave Waits.

Honestly, wow. Honestly, wow. Kelly Quagmire, whatever the fuck. You know it. Mac and Ernie. Mac and Ernie. I totally remember it. We're going down to Mac and Ernie's tonight.

Yeah. I remember because you said it's like Bert and Ernie. Yep, that's exactly it. Because I knew he fucked it up. Well, I told her because I remembered it every time and I said, I'm going to fuck it up on stage and I did completely blank it on stage. I think you did it deliberately, but it's cool.

No, I did not. I did not. All right, sure, sure, sure. No, he likes to remember things. Really? You think that was one of my better gags is to fuck up your name? Is this recording?

Yeah, we're on. All right. I thought we were just doing the warm-up and then we would lead in. The whole thing's a warm-up, then we turn it off and have fun. Uh-huh. Shit. Dave Waite and Kelly McInerney just played Chuckleheads

here in Arizona, and now we're back at the Funhouse. They could have stayed at the Comedy Condo, but they... We wanted to be with cool people. Yeah, there's a bar here. So they couldn't get in. We drove nine hours. I want to hang out with Doug Stano.

God damn. Well, Dave Wade said the opposite earlier. No, we'll stay at the place because... I'm just very Midwestern, Doug. I didn't want to impose. I didn't know if you remembered me i was just like i was like i will just stay like i don't know what the fuck's going on here like i'm just like i'll just stay wherever you don't pay a lot of attention because you did

book this gig i did book the gig but but i didn't know like i like, wherever they tell me to stay, I'll stay. I don't have any juice to fucking. I don't want to get into that story, but I was talking to a guy that's coming out, and I go, well, if I were you, I'd leave at 4 a.m. from L.A., and he took it like it was direction. Oh, I'll be up at 4 a.m.? I go, no, you don't have to i'm saying

i said i said can you stay sober for a night to leave at 4 a.m he goes no i can do all that i go no i'm saying i couldn't stay sober for a night to leave at 4 a.m i'm wondering if you can so so at woof what does that mean means you fucking i watched kelly fucking quagmire on stage what does that mean mac and ernie and she and i know nothing about pop culture she did explain the the n-sync one which was very funny because that was funny new but but doug is talking about is all the actors that you might zach efron i know that name you should know i'll show you a picture right now he's a babe dude he's. Zac Efron is ubiquitous. My dad knows who he is. You should know who he is. I know the name.

He's hot. He's a beefcake. He's cake of beef. He's hot. Talk about something else and I'll show you a picture. Talk about something else and I'll show you a picture. He looks like nobody. No, he looks like a goddamn babe. He's like a goddamn babe.

He's like somebody that I want to put my children inside. I want to use his jizz to make babies. Okay. That's what you mentioned. I don't want us all talking over each other, but you mentioned a name

that we won't mention until later. James Riker. No, not that name. But when, because I do know a couple of celebrities, so when we do Celebrity Death Pool, or when I was really trying in Celebrity Death Pool, I asked some celebrity friends who might be eating shit soon and that's when zach efron came up oh yeah well he's like he used to be addicted to like heroin and shit

and that's the only reason i knew his name is because now he's normal again look at how hot this guy is i don't even have my readers on. I forgot my readers. I couldn't see. Well, then that's your fucking fault, dude. The point is you dropped a lot of fucking names. I didn't know. You talked about your pussy and tits and asshole a lot. Yeah. And you farted so viciously. Only once.

Outside. Okay. Outside. Outside. And as she's saying, I just farted. I was already recoiling. And I'm a 40-year smoker. I could eat your ass and it wouldn't taste as bad as that smelled.

I like eating produce. I like eating a lot of produce. And that's what makes my butthole make noise. That's very vague. It's like kale. It's vegetables. All right. What sort of comedian would I be, Doug,

if I brought a lady comedian here who was prim and proper? You know what I mean? But if I brought a lady that farts and talks about her pussy a lot, then, you know, that's kind of... Yeah. That's my bro dad right here she'll text me she'll text me like like two in the morning like just got some dick and i'm like all right i'm just kidding you were uh not mild-mannered when you showed up. On stage, you were less than mild-mannered. Now you're full-blown.

Honestly, these circumstances aside, what are the chances that... Oh, you fucking left. Oh, go. Don't do that, Doug. She might have fucked up. I think you would have fucked gum she might have fucked gum he he is in a real house wait if he if he had if he had a

even just a little bit of like a little bit of any game he might have had a chance but he was too like well last night he's too soft last night if he would if he would if he would touch her arm like this she'd already be blowing him right now last night he thought he had game when he didn't and it's powered through to like two in the morning yeah he he went to pass out and came back and he's like i go what are you trying to do here? Like, you think you have a shot here? And he thought he had a shot. No, he came back from what I could glean from the conversation was for cigarettes.

Yeah, that was his excuse. And he told me that was his excuse today and then changed his story. Kelly, honestly, if he would have showed any interest. Yeah, sure. I would have owned him Oh my god He's gonna fucking stab himself to death When he hears this podcast

I'm not a hard guy Because a minute ago he was right there Touching her arm may have been constituted as work Buy me a drink and then you're in It's impossible he can't But also I'm not a huge i'm not a big dick sucker you gotta go in on my puss first and then i'll reach out to the dick sucking but that seems like this guy doesn't do a lot of work so la baby all right we use choice we we used to

have a rule that's no longer in play on this podcast. And it was the, what did we call it? The sober regret thing. Oh, did I say that? We don't do that. We don't talk about that. So I'm going to defend you on this podcast that will go out. You are a very funny comedian. And you're drunk.

Can I record this again? That's what we're doing now, Kelly. That's why there's a microphone. You're the fucking worst. drunk are you gonna try to record the podcast being podcasted i just said you don't have to i'm just kidding take your phone away it's a joke it's a joke it's mostly a bit all right the point is you turning into a white girl right now. It's a joke. It's a joke. I'm just kidding. You don't get it. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. We were just joking. At the show tonight. JK. JK. Why are you trying to speak quietly? We were just having fun. JK.

If Chuckleheads is going to exist as a comedy club in this town, people are going to have to learn what comedy is. Talk about how funny I was again. I'm getting there. Just wait, wait, wait. We're talking about patrons. Yes. The people in Bisbee that live here. And they think it's a conversation.

They don't know that it's an art form. They still do plays and shit. Archaic, stupid fucking stuff. It's like a Q&A. Arcade fire? And it's a art form they still do plays and shit archaic stupid fucking like a Q&A arcade fire and it's it's a new thing just another reference that you will never ever get arcade fire what is that Doug

I don't know I told her I gave her more people I gave her comic eye contact of I'm going back to you that she should have waited for but she's now trained by a Bisbee audience to just shout you down when you're trying to do a bit, do a bit. I'm saying the way you talk on stage, I'm saying, first of all,

she's not a whore that fucks everyone. That might be true, but that's not how we're trying to present her. Oh, she's that tight. No, she's not. That's not what. She's not fucking. We're all hammered right now. I can't wait to tell my mom to listen to this.

What? No, I'm just kidding. Why do you try to talk over me? She's not fucking anybody to get ahead. She's fucking. No. A guy that's on a soccer team. She'll fuck that guy.

A guy that's like, I'm in finance. And she's like, she'll fuck that guy. A guy that's like, I'm in finance. And she's like, I'll fuck that guy. I was going to say that if she continues on this path, she will wind up being like the lady at the end of the show who pulled her tits out and no one applauded or mentioned it. But I don't fuck people like that. Unless they go down on you first. Let's...

I was going to say how funny you are. No, no, no. No. You've got to talk about how funny I am first, and then maybe I'll be interested in you. All these rules. This... I thought Gump just had to touch his shoulder.

And if you're a babe. And if you're a babe. If you're like a babe in my aspect, in my vision, like if I think you're hot, if you're like 23, you might be hot. I'm wasted. Sorry. That's why I'm going to go to Dave Waite. I'm going to let you drink your beer because we will not pull this podcast just because you're shit faced

we've been shit faced on a lot of podcasts but you were talking about how funny I was before I know I went back to that okay I don't want you to be known as the girl that would suck a dick but only after they went down on me no but I wouldn't I that's not

my point is that you're funny and you shouldn't be known on this podcast as the girl that was drunk and said i'll suck your dick but eat my pussy first yeah so now i'm gonna let you drink some weird beer and we're gonna talk to dave wait from cincinnati where i just played recently a little bit ago thank you so much and kelly is she's a delight ain't she jesus christ it's my dad i met kelly at the uh big pine festival a couple years ago where's that in flagstaff is it a comedy or music it should have been a music festival because nobody came to the comedy but but we bro down hard. We did bro down hard.

And she was part of our crew, like me and Ryan Singer. I don't know if you know Ryan Singer. Yeah, I know Ryan Singer. Crystals and all that bullshit. She calls Ryan her ghost dad, and I'm her bro dad. And the one night we got fucked up. But Kelly was super fucked up. We got an Uber, and we were dropping her off and she got out

and then she danced around like some sort of gazelle that got injured by like a lion and we're like should we help her and then she was just like going back and forth and then like eventually she just veered out of our vision we're like i guess she's cool i don't remember any of this ever since then she's been in the no but didn't ryan tried to open the door for me he might have opened the door and be like you all right and that was about it my hostile mates were like kelly shut the fuck up just go to bed but you never mind this is uh as a younger comedian,

this would be one of those times where you go, oh, I'm going to fuck that other comedian lady because we're both hammered. But as an older gentleman, this is one of those times where you kind of understand the me too, where you go, that's kind of taking advantage of someone who opens a podcast with that you go

that's probably wrong and right now I'm fighting myself from making Tracy text Gump and say get back over here but the thing is drunk people feel free exactly I had a quick Twitter.

I would love to see him blow it. I would love to see him blow a sure shot. Text him. Watch his game. Text him. Give me your phone. I don't have it. Someone said something.

I'm not going to make any moves. No. We don't want you. Okay. We don't want you to make any moves. All right. We just want you to see if he comes up here and does anything that's even remotely game. Doug, you have to tell him you found his

American Spirit blacks. No, no. I'd have to prove it. But it has to be a reason. Okay, we'll get to it. The point is I had a brief Twitter thing with someone that was... Feel free to follow me on Holly Weirdo.

We're going to... I was just about to say, we'll plug you, and then that came across as wrong. I'm glad you didn't hear how loud my fart was. Wait, let me finish one fucking sentence, lady. That's why young people can fuck drunk, because they don't think of the consequences

of having to listen to that after they cum. Joe Rogan in the early days, he called it post-cum syndrome. He named it where you're like, oh, I'm... And she's still babbling on. The point being...

I'll never fuck Joe Rogan. He's not 23. He's out of your league and he's 55. You know it. I can't text him. My favorite thing about Kelly right now is earlier this week she did the other Doug podcast, Doug

Benson's. Getting Doug with high. And she texted me afterwards. She was like I got too high. I was too high. I didn't say anything. And I was like yeah, I think that's what happened. I did the same thing. She was also on with Todd Glass and that guy. He hogs the ball.

He's a ball. I fucking love Todd Glass. Todd Glass is a monster. But in a good way. I stopped saying faggot because of Todd Glass. I don't ever. We say it here all the time. We say every awful word.

We say IT, not OT. It's different. You texted me last night with an IT faggot. It's different. Oh, that's nice. I started something. Good fucking... Hey, by the way...

Can I finish the point? Can I start? No, I'm finishing the fucking point. Someone tweeting about, oh, so you stopped someone from fucking a drunk chick you called me a drunk chick yes the point

is drunk people still fuck that's how we all fucked growing up and someone oh I forget something on the oh it was hack oddity oh yeah I stopped him. Yeah, a chick that was

Kelly drunk at 6.30 at night and Hack was like completely focused. I go, no. Stop. No, you don't. At some point you get to an age where you go, there has to

be some gamesmanship in this. You can't. But if she's shit-faced and Gump is shit-faced and she's saying, I want to fuck Gump, is that wrong? Because I wouldn't fuck you right now until I got as drunk as you and as young as you. That's not going to happen.

I'm also not super drunk. I'm not blackout yet. I'm not on the mic either. Oh. I'm not black out yet. I'm not on the mic either. Oh, I'm not black out yet. Hey, in case anybody doesn't know me, I am not black. This goes to you.

You don't have to keep leaning out. Your gump's age and young people fuck when they're drunk. That's what happens. She might be me too in the gump. Dave knows. Yeah, but nobody at Applebee's is getting me too. Yeah, right? So let's just fucking lean into it.

It's just like some crazy local post and a guy gets fired from his Applebee's job and then he gets a Friday's job the next day. What time are we at right here? Also, no presh. I was not huge into him. A hundred percent. Just wanted to put

What I mean, I would Hang on. Can we go to break? Are we close enough to 20? Let's go to break. I'm going to get Gump here and we're going to do like a blind date.

One of those old game show situations. I don't want this. Dating game. Oh, I don't like it. We'll move Dave over. We'll move Dave over. We'll move Dave over so he has to sit next to her. I wanted to say that.

I accidentally hosted tonight. And both Kelly Kelly Quagmire and Dave Waite were talking about Tinder and right swiping and left swiping. You know it's McInerney.

Don't lie anymore. I wanted to be Jeff Tate and bring up a cheer situation where they're both like there's a sexual tension. They are on the road together and they're both looking for a date. Oh, Diane and Sam. Sam and Diane situation. This is my younger sister. It is very much.

There's been like... My brother had died the same age as Dave. And there was like a couple times... Just to put it out there. So you're attracted to him. This is going to sound a little queefy. Don't go to the fucking obvious Kentucky joke. about there so you're attracted to him this is gonna sound a little queefy don't you don't don't go to the fucking obvious kentucky joke but there was a couple times in therapy where like because

i'm friends with kelly and then i've heard guys say like creepy stuff to her but i didn't do anything because i didn't because there were guys i knew and i also didn't want because i it's that weird balance where I'm like do I just respect that she can handle her shit or you were like fucked up the crowd tonight was like creepy shit to you

there was I almost left her and I realized there was just I don't want to bring it up maybe it wasn't maybe I was just we're going to break we're. Yeah, we got to talk about this. All right. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe I was just being too protective. We're going to break. We're going to break. We're getting a cocktail. You're like my big...

You are my big brother. Yeah. Do not hold this conversation until after break. So what I was trying to say... No! Is we're on a break. We're on a break. We're on a break.

We're on a break. Cocktails! Cock. Plug my phone. Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock!

Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cocktails! Please hold. Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls.

Was that good? I don't know. What? I hit the record button. Is it recording? I hit the red button. All right, we're recording. We're recording.

Probably. If we're not recording, then it's my fault. Tracy is going to get a beating. we're on the air you see morgan specifically i just farted again all right we're gonna i i don't know where to start come on in dave wait all right what did i miss well she's farting again and then she says this fucking she thinks the guy from Baby Driver is hot and I try to keep a list of people

that we're gonna call this men are talking It doesn't help me. All right. Cut. I thought it was good. I'm trying to keep a list of people. We're going to call this men are talking dot, dot, dot. More sober than you. The guy from Baby Driver would be on my list of people that I want to smash their face because they look so fucking stupid. And I have that that face by the way i just wanna smash boy a couple months ago me jeff tate was at my house and we had we had the

amazon prime up and we we started digging through the a and e at the improvs and we got to see that mollick in action god damn talking about you dog yeah. I'm sorry. I was just thinking, is that the same mic you were on? Because that mic might not be even on. Yeah. All right. You were over here. Well, he's trying to get away from you. Are you just trying to deny that mullet?

No, I'm complicit in this argument where I have a face that is similar to all the ones I want to smash in. You might have the most extreme mullet ever captured on television. It's out there. Can't take it back. And that was fucking... You went for it, bro.

Yeah, I didn't know better. But I still got some stripper pussy. That was a good set. It was a terrible set. It was a good set. I watched a lot of those, and your set was still better than most people's sets.

Most people don't advance past that stage. Yeah. But most people don't advance past that stage. Yeah. I'd find myself in interviews where they say, what advice would you give to new comics? And I go, I used to say, well, you get as much stage time as you can and do this.

And then you realize that 99% of people who try comedy suck. So I'm doing the disservice by saying, yeah, get as much stage time as you can. No, just wait till a million people tell you to do comedy. Hey, should I do comedy? Yeah, you were great tonight. You did get a lot of feedback from the few audience members more pussy jokes was actually a quote from the audience that someone yelled and you acquiesced and tried to think of more pussy jokes rather than powering through with other material, which I did tell you both, it's going to be a lightly sold night.

Let's start drinking now. By that, he means like 50 people minimum. Just for the podcast people, just to let you know, the minimum is 50. Like, Bisbee is a booming place. I do appreciate that, Doug. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I opened for Doug years ago, Kelly. Yes. And at the end of the week, he gave me a hug. And I wasn't comfortable hugging men at that point. And I was very uncomfortable. How times change. It has changed.

And my friend was like, my friend saw it happening. He goes, oh, he's a hugger. That's what he said about Doug. do you know how long ago that was because i just did i i'm not gonna do the bit i but uh i just was back at go bananas in cincinnati it was either 2008 or 2009 one of the other oh wow yeah it was a long time ago yeah yeah no i i know dave wait from cincy and they they named all the people i told you this yeah i guess there's a cincinnati look and it's fucking bearded guys like you and jeff tate and then a lot of new guys that were all beards and i went up and said yeah i'm the guy with uh i'm the white guy without a beard i represent diversity on this show i just have scruff and i

remember like i i mean i don't know your fans might still be real bonkers maybe they've kind of chilled out no not at all i remember there was a guy came down from cleveland and got real fucked up and pissed on somebody's car even before the show and got arrested they brought that up yeah they got that guy got busted and then they came back and then someone told me a story and i it's a barrage of stories now after after this many years but go ahead after the show at Sneaky Pete's like I some like lady with some real busted titties was like you sign these titties and I was like I don't even know where to sign these titties

no no it wasn't were they crooked titties no no you've seen balls before right Kelly when a woman of a certain amount of uh young have come out of stretch marked titties okay can you imagine signing a scrotum so you have to have them

pull it taut so you can sign it just stretch it out as much as they could? Yeah, make it tight. Because if it's stretch marks with a Sharpie, that doesn't work. And it's a very awkward situation where a lady says, sign my tits, and you go, you're going to have to push it taut like a ball sack. Well, it's like a balloon that's deflated. Yeah.

And then you're like, you've seen a balloon. There's a little bit of air left, and you're like, you know, you've seen a balloon. There's a little bit of air left and you're like, all right, guys. I'll put it away. I'll put it away. Not only is she drunk, she's fucking texting during what we're talking about. I'm just looking at my Instagram story and just being proud of myself. How old are you? You got to get on the gram, Doug.

How old are you? I don't want to announce it on... Well, I thought you were Gump's age, but no, I'm looking at you. 27. Sure, yes. Older, older. It's gotta be,

because you said yes too quick to 27. No, I'm 27. No, she's drunk. I'm 27. Do you know how old she is? She's 31. Oh, fuck. All right.

I thought you were going to rate my fucking son, Gump. He's only 22. I like children. She's going to give him a handyman. What if I just look like this the whole time? Handyman. It doesn't bother me. I'm fucking hammered.

I shouldn't be awake. I should have been in bed at fucking noon. He's asleep. It's a pussy, bitch. Yeah, I'm already in bed. I have a story, but I don't think... Tell it. Tell the fucking story.

I don't think it's good for the podcast. Yes, it is. Don't let it lose. Everything's good for the podcast. Go ahead. It was that... Don't wish I could make sure you are or not because i hit the button it was that this we were at the sneaky pete's after the show and there was some people it was wait was this the night that i at i did mushrooms and had to crawl under a table no i wasn't there for that it was after the show There's no way you're not gonna cut this out of the podcast

No I'm fucking all in It better be the story he just said though And there were some women This was still the point where people would show up at your show By mistake It happened the last time too And there were some older ladies That came to your show

And they were like You you were vulgar, you were terrible, and they were just saying all this stuff. And then you pulled out your dick, and you were like, why don't you sign my comment card? And you had your dick out. There's no way that will ever make it on the podcast. The only reason that wouldn't make it on the podcast, which it will,

is because similar stories are in the act that I'm filming for my new special where I have to... I'm not going to give away the bit, but I had to rotate what Me Too story I have about myself where I got a million where they're my stories are better than people that got fired from jobs for me too and uh that's not even close to the cut yeah but that's yeah i used to when when uh you were like you were like squatting and they

and you were making such direct eye contact, they didn't even notice your dick. You had such an intensity in your face. And they were just like so mad at you. And I was like, his dick's out. And they were like, don't do it. Oh, they're not even mad at the dick. No. They're just mad at his vulgarity.

They were mad at him, and he was mad at them. But his dick was out. But how was the dick? It was all right. It's like whatever. I just had to ask for the people that were wondering? It was all right. It's like whatever. I just had to ask for the people that were wondering. It was all right. He's from Boston.

He's got a Boston dick. It's a wolf. Here's the thing. If you have a big dick and you pull it out. Tickle dick. You're a braggart. I have a small dick, and that's the story i went with for the special so i'll leave it at that not about my dick when is the special out though i gotta film it okay so never mind i

thought you're gonna but the the the point is uh those stories are ubiquitous and go bananas is the comedy club that i will still play that I have the longest tenure at where when I was doing one of these Me Too stories, I go, is there? Because Go Bananas has like tenured staff that are still there after 20 years. Mikey and Coop and fucking Lisa. I go, ask the fucking staff. No one here has not seen my dick if they've been here for more than 10 years that was like a catchphrase for me just pull your dick out when i had cds when they were the thing to sell i didn't have a catchphrase so i'd sign cds at a merch booth and i'd pull my dick out and just trace it on the CD. That's how big my

dick is, lady. On a CD, inside CD case. You could go around it and it wouldn't be the... And still have room to sign on the top. The diameter of the CD is right there. It's like a floppy disc,

but bigger. It's floppy-er now at my age. What? He raised his hand so he could talk. Oh, sorry. When I was in high school this guy had a real he had a real

Tickle Bick. No, no. He had a real pronounced ball sack. His ball sack hung like an old man's ball sack. Bigger than the dick, though? It was just a real... He had a big sack. Even for a teenager.

Dangling. Dangling. And he would... I grew into mine. He did this thing where... It was like, you know how you do that thing where you, I don't know. What's this called?

Yeah. You pinch it off. And like I was talking about signing a titty. You look at it. If you look at the circle, you're an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. If you look at this.

Oh, the circle game. You're an asshole. Oh, I don't know that. So hold it down below your waist. Someone looks at it. They don't they don't pop the circle. Then you get to punch. It's the.

Yeah. Doug never worked in a restaurant. It's the A-OK thing, but upside down. No. circle, then you get to punch them. It's the A-OK thing, but upside down. And that means you're a fucking asshole. But, you know, like, hey, look over there game. That was the game. And it was like, people were like, hey, man, look over

there, whatever, whatever. And then he would call it getting paid. If you got like, if you looked at his nutsack, you got paid. He just wanted people. Is that like owned or something?

Yeah, you got owned. I love that. Doug's like, you should have just vomited in the corner. It was just like a local colloquialism. And I can't believe I got that out that's good yeah and it became such a thing that i remember walking down the street one night it was like 10 30 at night me and my buddy is we were in high school and this car drove by and they stopped and it was like a couple bros

and a couple hoes in the back seat and the guy's like hey why you pay these girls he's like i don't want to pay these girls he's like come on pay these girls and then he turns around flips out a sack and then he turns around and he fucking throws the sack out of it and they're like you got paid and theyhhh! They're covering their eyes and all this nonsense. You played Coots in Alaska. Duran.

Pawn Shop Joe. Oh, good name too. Duran that owns Coots has the longest ball sack ever. And for over a decade, I think mine get longer. But they're never as long as Duran's.

And we have every time... I'm going to edit that out. I'll cut that out. Every time... Marked it. Every time we get drunk, allergy season down here. Everyone that listens to this thinks that we're doing...

Every time I get drunk with Duran, long ball competition. Definitely. Fuck no. You're a lost dog. Four. long ball competition fuck no four god damn it no there's no no it's not there anyway yeah so

yeah I think I have the longest balls in the world and Duran always beats I've never heard nope the last time I talked to Duran D I can't believe that's a good thing or a bad thing I've never heard that the last time I talked to Duran Duran is pretty sure that he has the longest balls oh no we've tried every time I gave up

him telling people to pull his dick out and then sign the comic no I've never heard that no I don't remember that but I mean it was like to this day I don't forget it because it was like i didn't i don't remember that but i mean it was like no to this day i i don't forget it because it was like so balls out i'll tell you the bit because say it no no i just go on on a special you don't burn your material here as you are obviously not doing that was a fucking burn woof wow honestly wow just go get a separate team and jack him off That was a fucking burn. Woof. Wow. Honestly, wow.

Just go get a preteen and jack him off. I'm just kidding. It's fine. Wait, you're not going to tell the material? Go get up the slow kid. Just let me fuck that dumb 21-year-old. It'll be fine. He's going to be like,

whoa, somebody's touching my dick. We have Stuntcock sitting behind you. We don't mention his name, but he's there to fuck anyone. That doesn't count. Me, you, Tracy, Chaley. He's going to fuck anyone that needs to get fucked. No, that's Tracy.

How dare you? I'm just kidding. I know who... I'm not that black. Yeah. I'm super black. She's kind of black so Doug

you're not going to tell the the bit no I get so confused I was going to say I'm going to tell you after because the Me Too thing has gone on so long I have so many iterations of, you know,

to film this that I go, I'm just going to tell a Me Me Too story, and then I would tell different stories of me being a better Me Too than the stories, and they're all happy ending kind of. I think... I'm not like, oh, and another raped time. There's no rape.

But so I'll tell you the story that I'm using in the special afterwards. After we're done. I feel like ladies have played their. They played their hand a little too hard. Every time. Every time they find like a guy that's older. And they're like, this older guy is dating a younger chick. Isn't that gross?

Not all of us. We've talked about this. But they're writing articles about it now. And they're overplaying their hand. Can you believe this guy that's successful is dating a younger lady? And you're like, yeah. Why did he work that hard all his life? Yeah, he's a good guy. and he's nice to people yeah who cares

yeah you know the guy but there's a plenty of guys like that it doesn't matter oh but they're writing a lot like that's where they they've overplayed their hand now where they're like can you believe this guy that has a lot of money but no one's saying that. Nobody is saying that. The press says everyone's outraged. Everybody's scared. But they're scared for no reason. Yeah, but they're dumb.

I think Joe Biden is our canary in the coal mine. This guy... This guy... This guy... He hugs everybody. And now I hear ladies are like, no guys want to hug me anymore. And you're like, yeah, but he got mad at everything.

I don't know what I'm talking about. You get your creepy vibe on stage tonight. I can't, though, because people are very sensitive. Like, there's a lot of girls that are sensitive about hugging or whatever in general. But there's plenty of women that are like, why is a guy hugging no more? And you're like, I don't know. We don't know what to do. Oh, we're still on the podcast.

Sorry, I thought we were just having a chat. Dave Waits red flag on stage when he was talking about Tinder. He said I'll give you a massage and that's the creepiest guy ever. Is it not?

The guy that you don't know. I'll give you a massage. Yeah, you can do that. In this day and age? Just be like, let's go for coffee. Let's give you a massage. Yeah, you can't do that. In this day and age, just be like, let's go for coffee. Let's go for a drink, so then let's see where that ends. No more massages, ladies.

Even though you're carrying around those big ass tits that I love. Take all bits. They make my shoulders sore. I've given out massages to small people. I used to have a friend. I give it out massages. I used to have a friend. I'll leave this vague, but I used to have a friend that was that guy that was unfuckable. And he'd get drunk.

And, hey, can I give you a massage? All right, dude, you can't fucking do that. You're so see-through. would never do that bro i know but that's when you said it on stage it reminded me of this guy and i'm like oh don't say that because you just remind me of this is just a creepy fucking clammy it wasn't you it reminded me of that guy like oh don't say that it's not like yeah keep saying it you're fine but I was talking about

in the context of being married or whatever also that was very different like the audience was pretty chill this is like a lady that's already at my house and I'm giving her a full rubdown. Do you have a gal pal of any sorts? Nah, not right now.

But you just got laid recently. I did. Can you talk about it? Because we're not cutting it out. Nah, man, she was cool. I fucking love that story. It's like a vacation adventure. She was on vacation. Kind of puss. nah I mean she was cool I fucking love that story the me too vacation adventure

she was on vacation she was on vacation and she was like at her airbnb and she was like I'm cold sorry Dave wait for a second I was I still picture you as being in Cincinnati,

and I'm like, who's on vacation in Cincinnati? I forget. You live in L.A. So now it makes more sense, but go ahead. She was like, on vacation. And we kind of hit it off earlier, but then I went home, and I was like, I'm done for the night. And then she messaged me, and she was like, I'm cold at my Airbnb.

And I was like, I'm old enough to know what cold means. Cold means come over. And I was just like, I don't know. And she's like, whatevs. And I was like, Oh, so she's young. No, no.

She said whatevs. I'm just trying to make it seem more fun. And she was like, I don't want you to think I'm like some sort of whore. And I'm like, I was like, you're on vacation. Nobody cares. It's a fun trip. Yeah, it's a fun trip. Yeah, dude.

And she's like, here's my address. And I'm like, all right, I'll be over like 20 minutes. Yeah. LA, no traffic at night. If it would have been like earlier in the day with like the traffic where she'd like, I probably had 45 minutes away. I might've been like, I don't know. We should talk more. I don't want to say this in a way that sounds offensive,

but as an unattractive guy myself. Yeah, but I'm charming. You know how it is. Yeah, he's charming. Yeah. Chad talks about it all the time, but he's actually attractive. Chad Daniels? We aren't.

No, Chad Shank, our usual. Chad Daniels is a very attractive guy, though. He's funny. I don't know. I haven't seen him recently. Point being, you know she fucks you. She goes back to wherever she lives, fucking Keokuk, Iowa,

and she's never going to say, you know what I did in L.A.? I fucked Dave Waite. You're never going to be outed for that. There's a beauty in being unattractive and not name-droppable, where you can fuck her. But I might be funny enough where people will drop you. To fuck you, but not funny enough or famous enough where they're going to talk about you

if you sucked in bed at that Airbnb and you couldn't get it up and then you go can we put on porn or something weird like I would do who are they going to tell exactly so you're in a beautiful place like a summer camp you'd have to pull

them up on the screen Chaley loves to pull people up on the screen like likealey loves to pull people up on the screen like we have a video podcast which we will never have because I'm too ugly for it. But he will pull up Chad Daniels. Minneapolis, right? Yeah, very funny. Yeah, I know.

Kelly has a hard cut off over 30. That's true. I fuck other people that are older than me. Duck face. That's not... That doesn't count. This is a terrible photo. Give that beard picture. That's more realistic.

It looks like Jason Segel. There's another guy that has a name similar to that from Minneapolis. It depends if he buys it. Yeah, but nobody's funnier from Minneapolis than that guy. There's so many guys that have boring names from Minneapolis that I think I know. None of them are funnier than that guy.

Yeah. I wanted to watch if there were any ghosts that were coming to that. Never mind. You were showing like a weird video of people. Hang on. Let me just say, I go to the thrift store here in town the one your thrift store we should do a commercial for your thrift store uh and that's not mine that's not my thrift store over there with the red backdrop here we go kelly

right up there right don't go stay with me what does that mean what does that mean dave wait stay with me salt and pepper daddy he's a salt and pepper daddy i don't like beards you don't like beards dave wait stay with me i go to the thrift store and they have blankets and they call them dog blankets i go no these are fucking comedy condo blankets and i think that that we're going to have to put one down underneath her in the guest house. Because she's going to fucking masturbate and squirt. She's going to call it squirting, but it's pissing the bed. So I think what they call a dog. I didn't bring my tools, so I'm not going to masturbate.

Tools? Jesus Christ. How big of a... What sort of set you running with? I going to master them. Tools? Jesus Christ. How big of a... What sort of set you running with? I got two of them. This is... We are like the Howard Stern show but our Sibian is

pedal based. Driving a bicycle. On a recumbent bike. What are you guys talking about? Your pussy. Yeah, you started it. All right. Hey, I got you this little present.

Oh, thanks. That's been here for like the whole day. Oh, super sweet. Can you tell us a Johnny Depp story? Yeah, please tell us that. Can you tell us a Johnny Day? He's not hot anymore, though, which is a shame, because I would...

Let me tell you. Talk about... Wait, he's not hot anymore? Of course he is. No, he's not. I don't know what you're talking about. You're a young lady. You don't know what you're talking about.

He looks worrisome. Worrisome. You look for emotion in a man. He looks very rude. And the only guy that would fuck you would be dead in the inside. Yeah. Wait, that came out like rude. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. You're not wrong, baby.

Kelly talks a bunch of game, and if he came in here right now, she'd fucking do that. I'd fuck JD. I'd be like, excuse me. You know he's not 23. I know you're not, but hey, there's a guest room over there. There's a guest house. I know you didn't look, but hey, there's a guest room over there. There's a guest house.

How dare you demean this place? If he was here, he'd be sleeping in a car because he'd get the guest room. That's what you think. She couldn't believe. And I'll jump on him, baby. I'll put my hand up. Yeah, go ahead. You in the front row?

Yeah. I told her a story about this lady I know. This attractive young lady in L.A., and she turned down Brad Pitt, and she's like, what? Come on. But, you know, who knows? It's dumb. It's a dumb idea to do that.

But he might not have showered that day. He's like her dad's age. Just to be like, hey, my name's Kelly. A little bit about me. I do comedy. I do something. I did fuck uh johnny depp because when you get the option you're gonna not say no to that shit i i i don't know how long

i've known johnny depp but i have never hung out with johnny depp without thinking that's johnny I can't, I guess. Lean into that. But I have good stories there. There's a story in my book that's an unnamed person about snorting my mother's ashes. But I can never mention his name. I think everyone who read the book that had fucking half a mind understood. But it was funny. It was the Marc Maron part. Afterwards, we go to the comedy store and we're fucked obviously i i wander into the or and mark

maron's on stage and i caught the end of his set and i'm like dull-eyed and uh he comes out i go great set and then he looked at me. I'm fucked. He goes, are you okay? I go, it's been a weird night. And he goes, what's a weird night for you? And right then, I was about to explain to him the snorting mother's ashes. I don't know if it was you or Hannigan. Someone walked by and went,

no, she gave me the kill it slit throat sign and I just left it alone. But I put it in the book. We're just talking. Anyway, let's just kill this podcast and talk like fucking people. Is this podcast ever gonna come out? Yes. It's live. It's streaming live.

It's not streaming live. It's made enough time. Yeah, this will come out? Yes. It's live. It's streaming live. It's not streaming live. It's made enough time. Yeah, this will come out when I'm on the road and I'm not here to do a podcast. Alright. We didn't say anything. I'm just here to talk into a microphone about life. Let's get their

social media. Oh yeah. Yes. Tell the one who goes to see them, they're funny. At Dave Wait Comedy, Wait, W-A-I-T-E Comedy. You have.com and.org. Mine is Holly Weirdo.

It's dumb. Holly Weirdo. No, it's way easier. I wouldn't have fucked up your name seven times tonight if it was Holly Weirdo. That's easy. Holly Weirdo's on on twitter and instagram but

then kelly mcinerney.net but oh yeah spell mcinerney i couldn't fucking do it no but i would cut you out of the book if you did like the weirdest shit in the fucking world and i go oh i'm gonna put this in the book mcinerney no cut it or out cut her out. Cut her out. That's a good name. Hey, do you do anal? Because you shouldn't. Because the way your fucking asshole has been going off like a fire alarm

tonight, farting up a storm. I do. Yeah, don't do that. I'm sorry. Yeah, you'll suck a dick if they eat your pussy. I got the mac and cheese. Can you move your pussy away from your asshole before I go down on you?

I don't even want you to suck my dick. I'll go down on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the same thing. Move your pussy to your face. It's just two holes. All right. This probably seems demeaning to women, but she started it.

All right. That's a podcast. I'm a lady approved there you go good night សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.