The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#331: Wasted Summer

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Doug's wasted summer and now right back to the FunHouse with Olivia Grace, Jobi, Chad Shank and Chaille. Plus another Police Beat with Chad Shank.Recorded Aug. 30th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), Chad Shank (@HD_Fatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Support the podcas through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast.  New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes.  Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by UnTuckIt.com - Try it on in person at one of UNTUCKit’s 50 stores or go to https://www.untuckit.com/ to get started. Save 20% on your first order by using my promo code STANHOPE at checkout. Thank you UnTuckIt for supporting the Doug Stanhope Podcast. 'POPOV VODKA PRESENTS' VHS TAPE - Merch Page - www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey it's uh summer's gone ladies and gentlemen uh hope you enjoyed it i'm out of that Tucson homestretch. Thanks for the experience. Thanks for a summer with D, the dementia patient, and Percy, the cat that's fucked up again. I had to leave it all fucked up. It's kind of like... Oh, fuck. I was going to say it looked like a bobcat, which reminds me of the mountain lion story.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was saving that for the podcast and i forgot all about it till i was gonna say this fucking lecherous cat chased our cat and busted its hip again but that's not the story the fucking i try to get back a little bit i'm gonna i'm gonna take that hour-long walk It's a nice hike through the neighborhood. Northeast Tucson is very kind of sparse. It's upscale. You go through the residential

neighborhoods, but residences you don't see the front door from the street kind of residences. Sidewalks? No, no sidewalks. But there's no people either. There's no cars. There's nothing nothing especially at 5 25 a.m when i start out on this hike at about 5 45 550 we call it heartbreak hill because olivia did it with me and she did the same thing the first time that i did it's just a hill like that

what's that oh it's just a hill yeah it's probably like 60 yards to get up to the top of this hill, uphill Dave and Kim's, but it's like this. Was this when she came back with bloody heels? No, that was the first time. Yeah, that was the same walk. So we call it Heartbreak Hill if you're a smoker. Sounds like heel break. And so, yeah, I'd been off that exercise kick for so long

that it was like the first time for me where I get to the top of the hill and the fucking gnats are so thick, especially at that hour of the morning, that if you stop walking, there's a cloud like, what's the Peanuts character? Pig. And as soon as you start sweating around your head, it gets infinitely worse. Yeah, and they stick into the sweat. So I'm humping up this hill. I gotta keep moving.

The fucking gnats. And I get over the crest of the hill, and there's a fucking mountain lion at the bottom of the hill. The same distance, you know, from up the top of that hill down. But I could see, like, at first, it's walking away from me casually in the street. And I'm like, is that a big dog or a small deer or a coyote? What the fuck? And then when it turns sideways, the lope, the front legs,

that's a fucking cat. And that's not a cat that's a fucking dog cat that's a deer they're all muscly and ripped yeah yeah they're they're intimidating yeah and so i of course i freeze in my tracks i think olivia had stayed at the home stretch so i go maybe I can call her, but there's no way she's going to fucking wake up at 545 in the morning. And as soon as I stopped to decide what to do, the fucking gnats come in and they're all over me. And I'm like, ah, fuck.

I can't wait for her to pick me up. It never occurred to me to walk back the way I can. Never. I've been picturing this whole time. You didn't just turn around? Makes sense. I considered knocking on someone's door. Before turning around?

Yeah, and never until I got home considered turning around. But the gnats, it was immediately, okay, we have a decision to make. Go towards the mountain lion, which had by now ducked into the scrub. There was a wash at the bottom. Waiting to pounce on you

when you walked by. Which is exactly what the house cat I was taking care of would do for fun. Sit there in the dark and wait for you to walk by and then attack your legs. But the cat is like six pounds. That and shit on the couch.

That wasn't really a danger of that from the mountain lion, I guess. Two skills. That would be like the greatest insult of all those if you got killed by a mountain lion and then it came over and shit on the couch. And you never woke up to give him a ride. So who saved me? Who else would be awake in that neighborhood at that hour?

Mexican landscapers. Sure. Coming from the other direction towards the mountain lion is a Beverly Hillbillies truck and trailer full of rattling, clanging, banging fucking landscaping equipment. All right, that's going to scare a fucking mountain lion away. Thank you, Mexican landscapers. You saved me. And once I saw them coming my way, I went down and I caught him about the bottom and I waved him down and said,

did you happen to see a bobcat or a mountain lion go? And they go, qu'est-ce que c'est? They might be French. They wanted butter? Parquet. And I'm still amped up. My eyes are this big. And I'm like, well, and then when they didn't understand what I was saying, I just, oh,

yeah, I went, big cat. Which is what I did when I saw the mountain lion initially. I started making cat sounds and then dog sounds. Like it was. Things they eat. Wow. Wow. Like.

Hissing. It would have been worse than being killed by a mountain lion. He walked towards it and drew it towards him. But it stopped when I was going. Something that's going to scare it away. And then when I heard myself, I go, oh, that's not going to scare a thing. But it stopped and turned around and looked at me like I was doing bad impressions. But yeah, when I did that and pointed that way.

They understood what that meant? Yeah. Yeah. And he said, be careful. And they drove away in the way I should have walked back, the way I came from. They were smart enough to go a different way. Never thought.

There was another road, a completely other road. There was no room in the back of their truck to jump in with them? You ended up breaking somebody's yard if you did that. I don't know when to leave. Thanks for the ride. So did you ever see the dogcat deer lion again? I did not. In fact,

I woke up again the next morning early and thought, I'm not fucking ever walking that again. And that's how he became a star of 600 Pound Life. But i did think i'm gonna drive and see if that fucker's still out there because i had i came back and then when olivia woke up i said i told her the story and i go i don't know if it's a fucking bobcat or a mountain lion and she goes bobcats are small and mountain lions are big and they also and then i googled it

bobcats don't have a tail yeah Yeah, I googled it. A bobcat maxes out about 19 pounds, which is about 4 pounds shy of meat wig, our cat. Yeah. Yeah, you sounded like you didn't believe me when I told you the difference between mountain lions and bobcats. You're from Orange County.

How the fuck do you know? I've spent my life with women who say stuff with confidence, and they have no idea what they're saying. You do that a lot. Well, there was a bobcat sighting Fred who comes down to football.

Fred the bobcat? No. Fred. Oh, on Next Door. I saw that. It was the same day. And it was walking across his fence line because he's got like a two by four on edge or a flat. And I'm like, what the fuck? That looks like a cat.

But then, you know, that Bob tail is a giveaway. And he's like two blocks from here. Yeah. I saw that footage and I couldn't tell if the cat was like behind because it was at night. Yeah. I didn't know how close that was behind because it was at night. Yeah. I didn't know how close that was in the field of vision. Oh, yeah. Until it looked like a mountain lion.

No, it was a bobcat. He still doesn't know. He's going to have to Google it again. Once again, that tale's a dead giveaway. Bobcat doesn't have one. Bobcat has spots. Yes. Mountain lion does not.

Mountain lion looks like a fucking lion. That is true. Yeah, that's a good reason to quit exercise. They've seen in the mountains right over by my place, that's where they spotted those jaguars. Oh, fuck. The one. But they used to be in this area.

He's fucking someone. She's in Mexico. You were... You just did some mountain shit. I went on a four-day motorcycle ride up in northern Arizona in the pine trees. Alright.

That was wonderful. I didn't see one bit of wildlife the whole time I was there, though. I thought it was elk country and deer country up in there. Nothing. But it was about 70, 68 degrees. I texted you because I came down for the weekend about podcasting and you said, no, I texted you because I came down for the weekend about

podcasting and you said, no, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I always read text messages from you different than you probably sound, but it sounded like fuck you, I'm getting the fuck out of here. You had to cancel a bunch of trips in the past, right? Things were going on with court cases and stuff like that.

You had a motorcycle ride? Yeah, I've had... Rob Dukes wanted to go on a motorcycle cases and stuff like that. You had a motorcycle ride? Yeah, yeah. Rob Dukes wanted to go on a motorcycle ride, and I couldn't go with him. And then my cousin and my uncle both ride motorcycles, and we're getting a cabin up here in Alpine, and there's room, so come on up. And so we met up about five and a half, six hours from here. Nice. That's so cool.

It was amazing up there. It was also one of the saddest places ever. I looked it up. There's 148 people. And I think there was 300 Trump signs. So it means everybody had two Trump signs. Population 148. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. But I learned I was introspective a little bit. And I learned one of the things that I thought about. I think I said this the other day to Erickson and Anders, is if I lived in a place like that, where you wake up and there's like a hundred elk out in the field in front of your house, and there's pine trees, and then you walk for a hundred yards

and you can catch trout in these clean, nice streams and stuff, I would have never read a fucking book either. I would be an ignorant motherfucker. Whatever, who cares? You know how to tie a fly. Yeah, how fast can you skin a deer, city boy? So it makes you understand how those things happen. It's still sad, but it makes you understand how it happens.

When you said you got introspective you mean you were doing mushrooms no no i i had mushrooms and i thought about doing mushrooms and uh my uh uncle and my cousin didn't want to do any so i didn't want to do them by myself yeah you don't want to trip with uncle and cousin sober and we didn't have a lot of plans so it was cool we could just be sitting there and go, hey, let's ride over to New Mexico and eat lunch. They had good green chili burgers. So you don't want to be on mushrooms if you're going to jump up and get on your motorcycle at a moment's notice. So it didn't happen.

It kills the spontaneity. I ended up bringing those mushrooms home and washing them with my clothes. So those mushrooms did not get eaten. That hurts. If you had them in your pocket. I rolled them up in a pair of shorts when I packed. So that way if I got pulled over, they weren't just sitting on the top of my bag or something.

I think we've all been through a baggie of Coke or an Ecstasy or a Xanax. It might still be good. It crumbles in your hand. Jenny brought me this bag and goes, what did you wash? And it just looked like black goo because I did for a second and I thought, fuck it, I'll eat those.

I looked and I was like, ah, just throw those in the trash. Mushroom pod. Don't eat those. Don't eat them. Yeah, Tide Pod makes a bunch. That Don't eat those. Don't eat them. Yeah, a tide pod mixed with mushrooms. That didn't work out. Was this good? That trip was much needed.

I know you were talking about it. I didn't want to come home, that's for sure. No offense, Jenny. She doesn't want to come home either. He wished you were there. Yes, yes. So you didn't have to go home. I don't even want to ask about the fucking rest of your home life.

Because I know I've been gone for a summer, but it didn't age quickly. You want me to cry? Wait, let me set the video up. It's not worth it if you're not in the video. Yeah. Wait, let me set the video up. It's not worth it if you're on video. Have we talked about... I'm all over the map here, but who gives a fuck?

We're just talking. This is the Just Talking Podcast. The last podcast was Joby, and then we did another one with Gretchen Bonaduce, but we haven't been all together in a couple weeks. Have we talked about Andy in October, or are we not talking about off and on you can do it now well yeah we're filming andy's special here in october is it

the 18th and the 19th yes so it's two nights one show a night yep all right that's how i find out i i at some point i was drunk and Olivia said I got this because I was starting to I don't know who's setting up what about that whole fucking thing I got so many goddamn projects going on right now Pre-UK though You guys going over to UK

But she said Don't worry I got it handled Did I say that? Yeah I put complete faith in you. Oh, no. And then she was in the funhouse with me and said, hey, what's going on with it? And I go, I don't know.

Provenza's involved, and Provenza told Olivia that he's got it sorted out. Provenza told you that? Well, he was on speakerphone, and you remembered. He told the universe. But we figured it out. Yeah, it's fine. What I think is funny is before you guys knew anything about this, when we were in Vegas and I introduced you guys in Vegas offstage,

Andy asked me back then, hey, I want to film a special in October in Bisbee. You want to interview us? Yeah, that's fine. And then he went and hugged all you guys about it. So I had a gig before this gig existed. So Chad's in charge. Chad's the deal maker.

I'm in charge of one part. It's going to work out. It'll be fun. If it's completely fucked up, it's an Andy it's gonna work out it'll be fun if it's completely fucked up it's an andy andrews project which that's how it works with andy is that his production company yeah completely fucked up oh yeah i should have thought about that productions well we've been talking to him weekly on the podcast we do with Brett Erickson. Brett's producing it, and it's Chad and I, and really it's Brett Erickson, and it's wrapped around Andy.

Yeah, that's the name. Issues with Andy, and it's on YouTube right now is the only way to get it. And, yeah, there's no point to having like a pre-show, like what are we going to do? Have we tried to do that? I'll go one further. Sometimes you have something good to say, but you don't say it anyway because you're going to rail Andy. I don't want to say you're going to derail Andy,

but you know Andy's about to go off on a whole different tangent and you don't want to keep him on track. Yeah. He's going to say something that he was promising himself he wasn't going to say on the podcast and now he just said it. It's the opposite of taking notes

to remind you what to say. You have to forget that. You have to go the opposite because it's going to meander. And it's released every Friday, but Erickson's doing it with someone's editing over at the Comedy Store. So, yeah.

What channel do they turn their dial to? I still don't know how podcasting works. On most receivers, it's 89.9. But if you can't get that, just go to YouTube and look for Issues with Andy. And it's released every Friday. Yeah, and with video. It is video right now. That's it.

I was going to listen to it, and it was on video and I can't. It's too confusing for me. I like old AM style. Somebody tweeted that to Erickson. Are you going to do it without video at some point? Because I like podcasts but I don't like the video part.

I tweeted it and I said, just put it on YouTube and then don't watch the video. Turn your screen off. Eye mask. It's $1.99. Take your phone and turn it over. Face down.

What the fuck, man? You're a genius, dude. That might have been one of my fake accounts. I wish I had those. The gumption to have fake accounts like I used to in the, like, baiting days. Oh, yeah, we just set up fake Hotmail accounts for other shit, and I don't even remember how to do that. I can't even check my regular emails. We had the burner phone for a while, and I was going to just use that as going to feather in like, like actual live recordings of people.

And one dude like for three days just kept calling the phone and leaving messages and messages. And that was it. Just rambling. And I'm like, well, that, that burned that. Thanks guys. All the track phone minutes are gone now. Gone.

It's just all voicemail. That's what it was by the way. It's like a Walmart burner phone. Yeah, that's a burner. Yeah, I don't fucking know. This guy wrote, Hi, Doug. And this is a pretty third grade handwriting.

Is it an email, a letter? It's a letter. Hi, Doug. I am Hollywood Joe Kelly Jr. I was in the movie Punching the Clown and Punching Henry Also and co-wrote Sweet Little Blossom of Mine with Henry Phillips. Blah, blah, blah. The reason I'm writing poorly, I added the poorly.

I thought so. Is my friend Nick is a big fan and he's been a little down lately. I was wondering if you don't mind to send him an autographed CD to me to give to Nick. My address is blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you get a shout out. How about that, Nick?

You're down? You don't listen to this podcast. How down are you? You got a case of the mumps? are you? You got a case of the mumps? How many times did you put a gun in your mouth while you're watching murder videos?

Get caught by your wife. We do sell those. I mean, there's a business on the side that we do sell CDs, DVDs and stuff. It's not like it's impossible to access something for your friend. Yeah, go to the merch page.

Or the store. DougStanup.com store. And buy the fucking thing. Hollywood Joe Kelly Jr. And Nick, your friend. Well, since we're reading letters about friends that are down, I figured I didn't know how to do this on my social media.

So I'm just going to read this thing out. This is a friend of a dude who apparently shared my Monday motivations every Monday. I say the word shared. Friend of mine and maybe yours, I don't know, killed himself recently. He frequently posted quotes of yours, while at the time seemed darkly funny or ironic, now look desperate and sad. I wish I had seen through your words and seen my friend instead. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

There's no way you could know someone quoting you was hurting that much, but I guess it's to, I don't know that word. My own pain. Alleviate? No, it's ameliorate. Ameliorate. Ameliorate, my own pal. You could have made that a game show. Life's harder for some folks than others. It probably won't get many

likes or hits or whatever, but if you have the platform that you seem to maybe post something about J.R. Bow bowls and mental health and asking for help and uh i can't really do that because while it might seem darkly funny it is actually just desperate and sad so i don't know how to say don't you know ask for help i don't know how to ask i haven't even unpacked my shit but yeah yeah, J.R. Bowles. I might have seen that email more than once in my emails. So I'll look that up.

J.R. Bowles, here's to you. Living is not as easy for some people, but dying is easier for others. So here's to you, son. Sorry to bring it down. But I just wanted to up you because your friend uh his friend wasn't even sad did he kill himself no he just wants free stuff i you're saying you're unpacking what was it like to say goodbye to d oh well uh i was it was very brief because katherine bertine the daughter demanded I try to get a picture

with her mother before I left. And I remember early on with the dementia, she was constantly saying she needed like, well, first she needed side chairs, swing chairs,

I don't know what they're called. Fucking chairs. Wingbacks. Wingbacks to go with her couch. And so we gutter the fucking chairs. This is all out of my fucking pocket too, by the way. I'm sure. Sometimes it's easier to buy your kids the fucking toy than argue with them in the store.

How much is it for more channels? Yeah. That's a bigger package. And then as soon as the chairs get in, I need some throws or something to make it match the couch. And I took out my phone to take a picture of the couch and lie that I'm going to do this. And I go, well, let me take a picture,

and I'll look online to see what I can find. I don't even know what the fuck she's talking about. The words, a throw. An Afghan. Mexican. But I found it. I actually went online and I found throws that almost match the couch perfectly. It's a 200-year-old couch.

I found it. But when I pulled my phone out to take a picture, she goes, I'm not going to be in it, am I? She's behind me. I'm taking pictures of the couch. So I know how reticent she is. She's behind you? I'm not going to be in it, am I?

She doesn't even know how a camera works. Terrified. Terrified woman. So when Catherine is saying, you got to get a picture of you and mother together. I'm not going to share it on social media. I am. I don't know what your concern about that is.

It's coercing the beast into the frame of the picture that is going to be the difficult issue. So today I got her on my last day dropping off. Here's your supplies. And then your husband's coming back from the Adirondacks and he'll be taking care of you. What? Yeah, I told you yesterday and the day before.

What? You're not my husband. So I got the most ridiculous photos. I will have tweeted them by the time this comes out. One, the scariest one. And that's going to be down to a panel of judges here because they're all pretty fucking scary. And then I drove back. and then I drove back so four hours after I left her saying goodbye she called me yes Doug listen when you come to visit tomorrow I need you to bring me cigarette lighters in an acid green

it's that it's that the same color as those chairs, as this room. That green. And I think it's because she can find them easily with her bad eyesight. And I said, D, I'm in Bisbee now. And then I'm going away for a long time, like I told you. Whoa. I didn't know that. Four hours ago.

I didn't say that part Four hours ago. I didn't say that part. Right, right, right. She said, I wish I'd have known that so I could have given you a hug. Oh, my God. That's so sad, dude. Because she has a friend and it's you. Oh, that is horrible. It's sad that he's her only friend?

Hey, wait a minute. I resemble that. I think it's so sweet. I remember she's been getting like, she's warming up to you a lot. Like, so much. Like the day before, today was the last day.

Yesterday, I went over for my penultimate day. Where'd bingo go? That's her favorite word. I used it for her, and she just ducked out. I think they're a little bit high. And she started telling me stories that she tells me every time I go to visit. But then she talked about an old, she was a swimmer,

and she talked about an old boyfriend from her college swimming days, Froggy, and Froggy brought me, and he drove me up and down the entire California coast. We even went to Catalina Island, and I never slept with Froggy. He wanted to marry me, you know.

And I wasn't going to do that. But I never slept with him. I've only slept with Peter because I was a good girl. Like, oh, don't start talking about your fucking sex life. I'm almost out of this motherfucker. I'm so close to leaving. April Madison, she probably doesn't listen to the podcast. The weather lady from K-Gun 9, who I met when I first got there in the summer.

And then I ran into her at Safeway right before I left. Are you still living in this part of town? I go, 48 hours. 48 hours. And I looked at my watch. So then mother after that she dropped her second F-bomb ever

I need these ceiling fans that's been the whole course of three months she wants the ceiling fans out of her house and I don't do that and she said

these fucking I can't do that. That would take like 12 minutes. Fucking fuck you. I could totally do that. Why don't you go and tell Pete? Ask for help, goddammit, when you're in these situations. If you're leaving, you could just get a broom and start whacking him. Just knock him off the ceiling. Plus I could use a couple ceiling fans.

Goddamn, would you give me a call when you've got these problems? And then as I'm about to duck out, she, you know, coming off no segue, she says, I need to find a gynecologist. Oh. Why are you going to make this so weird so late in the game? They're just hitting on you. That's what I was about to say. So she's bringing up who she has and hasn't had sex with,

and then she needs to go to the guy. I think she decided to have sex with you. I hope the next thing he says is that it better not be, does this look infected? No, no, no. I'm pregnant. No, hold it in the stream. We need to check for sure.

We didn't do anything yet. You can't be pregnant and you're 100. I did sit on a tractor seat once. And you're 100. I don't know if we brought this up on the podcast, but there have been times where she said shit like, well, don't tell your wife this. Like, she said stuff like,

do you think that he's a keeper, this one? Are we listening to Stan Hope learn via old lady that he's really charming yeah of course she loved you you fucking bought her chairs and pretended to buy her throws no no I did buy her the throws you ever think she dreamed of

I high fived myself in her house you're her dream girl I texted all of this to you in her house. You're her dream girl. I texted all of this to the daughter Bertine and said, oh, she's telling me about her sex life, her gynecological problems and dropping the F-bomb.

I'm the daughter she always wanted. But yeah, when she said the gynecologist, I went, I didn't have a snappy comeback for that. I don't drink around Debertine because I think my honesty might actually be not the best policy. Oh, my God. But she said after the gynecologist, she says, well, because at a certain age, Because at a certain age, things start to fall and shift with hand motions for falling and shifting. But I don't have any problems, but I think I should find a gynecologist. And I said, well, Peter, your husband, do you have a regular physician?

She's just new, like a year in Tucson from New York. And she goes, no, Peter has a regular physician. Pause. But he's not a gynecologist. I go, I would hope not. I'm a little disappointed that you didn't at least try a snappy comeback just for the reason that you could try another one

in 20 minutes and she'd never know. The same one. Let me work on that. I can do better than that. Hold on. Never a bad crowd. Never a bad crowd. Hey, Joby, can you open the door and shut the screen?

There's too many goddamn smokers. What's with all you smokers? Oh, wait, that's just, yeah. Four with the weed. Dee's really going to miss you. Can we send her something? No, she's not. She's not going to remember?

No, she'll remember because I'm going to call her every goddamn day. Oh, is that what you were talking to earlier? When you were like, no, every day we're not driving. I'm going to call you. And I'm like, who the fuck is he talking to? Yeah, I was going to put you on speaker phone, but you guys were like, I didn't

want cackling and ha ha ha in her face. Confuse her even more. Yeah, she has no idea who I am. She still doesn't know how I was. She said when I told her I'm leaving two days out. Well, you need to find a replacement. Like I'm a candy striper. Is it coming upon you.

Well, I remember when you told me, didn't you tell her once who you are and she like didn't care? Yeah. That's one of the saddest stories I've ever heard you tell. Doug, how do you explain who you are to someone who doesn't care?

I was a little fed up. And she's like, because I told her I don't know how to use a fucking drill and shit. I don't know anything about handyman stuff. And I'm not. I could even do that. I go, listen, lady.

Totally emasculated. I am a world renowned, internationally known stand up comedian. I've written three books. I've done this. I just do this on the side. I said you wanted someone handy, but you got someone almost famous instead. Sorry.

Oh, you wrote books? I was a writer. That's what she got out of it oh my god one of her she she wrote some like shit for the ford foundation about education when she was younger but that was before my pussy started falling out you make my pussy drop so bad do you have balls that match? As a matter of fact, I do. So not only does she not know who you are, you've now just thrust her into a long-distance relationship with you.

You're going to still continue to call her and confuse her and be the love of her life. We need a lawyer on this. Because I know Arizona is a one-party consent state as far as recording. What does one-party consent state mean? It means that as long as the person recording says it's okay, we do it.

Yeah, Linda Tripp, Monica Lewinsky. That was a two-party consent state, and that's why she was getting busted. Well, you didn't say, I'm recording this call here. On the bright side, you could just say I'm recording the call every five minutes and it won't make any difference. She's not verbose, but we could get her to be verbose. I wouldn't want it to be mocking of her because it's fucking sad when four hours later.

I'm only mocking when people aren't here. I'm not going to mock anybody if they're on the phone. I'm a diplomat, goddamn it. But I'm saying I wouldn't want the recording of her, if we did do that, to be, we're not making fun of her. No, not at all. Fucking people deal with this shit. I got to bail out after three months, and I was only delivering groceries and lying to her about handymen that are coming. lying to her about handymen that are coming.

You sell yourself short because you have more compassion than most of the people who actually do that kind of work, Stan Hope. And maybe you don't know that because you're an internationally renowned comedian. But I'm telling you that I know you and I know people who do that work. And yeah, you didn't just do those things. You actually fucking are cool with people and a lot of those people they just of course they're making minimum wage to do it and they hate those people just for you know yeah always two sides i guess no you those old people you like forged a friendship with her three sides three sides maybe i don't know be like you made

her feel okay like you did i think that's what what's really important. You did a lot of stuff for her, but you also made her feel okay. You know what I mean? And that's why she fell in love with you. Good job. Well, to say that her and her daughter's relationship is strained is the only time that Catherine went over there with me. Catherine is like antagonizing her. That's Spencer. He's cleaning the yard down there.

Who the fuck is Spencer all of a sudden? I come into the house. That's what happened to me too. And Bingo says, oh, well, yeah, we got the other bed over to the other house moved over uh tom and spencer did it i go spencer and because she said that she and you tom is here tom kanopka is in the house she said oh she's gonna do it with you and i go well good thing you've been working out at the gym. You can help lift a mattress.

And she said, no, Spencer did it. And I'm like, you get the wrong name. But everyone's talking about this Spencer like he's been a regular part of the crew and I think I have caught sexually transmitted dementia from D Bertine.

I was going to say, this is probably how D talks about you. Who is this Spencer? Spencer's a kid that's been working around the house, but I've been absent. Well, I was making a drink, and then this surfer kid

walked in, and Stan Hope started yelling Spencer, and I didn't know to yell Spencer, because I'm new here again. Hey, Spencer just walked in. Get on the mic. Spencer's on the podcast. Who the fuck are you? Just a kid from Ohio.

Just came from Ohio? Yeah, just keep it close to your lips. Alright, alright. You came from Ohio to just work? School. We don't have schools here, do we? Cochise College. He's got a wrestling shirt on.

He looks like he's a worker. I thought maybe he showed up like Gump. No. The opposite of Gump. He got hired on merit. I see. He was cutting the neighbor's yard and he was so polite He got hired on merit. I see. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. He was cutting the neighbor's yard, and he was so polite to the lady.

Spencer, you don't know. I overheard what was going on. Dementia? She tried to pay you more for something, and you were like, I'm sorry. I can't do that. I came back because you had forgotten to cut something or something like that, and she was trying to give you more money. And you started walking by me, and the truck was loaded down, and you had your thing to cut something or something like that. And she was trying to give you more money. And you started walking by me and the truck was loaded down.

And you had your thing to cut weeds. So I go, cut the yard. So that's how we met. Is it a polite 19-year-old kid who's fresh from Ohio to business? What part of Ohio? Run. Run away, Spencer. Get out of here immediately before you are corrupted.

Nobody ruin him. Yeah, you are going to be corrupted. God damn, this is sad to see. No. Don't really force her. He's a fine. How do you get a scholarship to Cochise Community College from Ohio? I didn't.

I'm paying all cash. I worked for a year and saved up a ton of money. How did Cochise Community College get on your radar from Mansfield, Ohio? My family's from here. All right. It's a good flight school. Flight school? Are you a terrorist?

No, no, no. You would be the most intriguing terrorist. He didn't look Muslim. He looked like a surfer, white kid. He had a good tan. Sorry. Sorry, flight school's a buzzword for

I'm going to crash some shit into shit. I mean, actually, the dude who did the 9-11 bomb actually got trained here at Cotis. Really? How do I not know that? How is that not on there? I trained here at Eric Otees. Really? Yeah.

How do I not know that? How is that not on there? Because you have dementia. That's why. You have dementia. You learned it. We told you last week. I knocked your pussy loose.

And this is the price I pay. Sorry you had to be here for the earlier part, Spence. Is it okay if we call you Spence? Yeah, that's fine. Do you have any friends here? I was going to say, what do your friends call you, but you probably don't have any yet. Not here, at least. But back home they call me Diesel.

Diesel. Can you pick your own nickname? No, they picked it for him. I don't think he ever said, I'm going to be Diesel. Is there a back story behind that? Seventh grade, my English teacher just goes, you're Diesel, and it kind of stuck.

So your teacher hit on you in seventh grade? Yeah. Well, Olivia's your age. You could probably pal around with her in the handball court. Skate park. Do all those things kids do. I gotta be working and stuff. I don't got time to be playing around.

I was gonna say, if you wanna be friends, I can smoke cigarettes while you pick stuff up. There's some stuff over there pointed out. We could be friends. I know to her, she's old. To you, she's old Nikki. 23. Ew, P.U.

Cooties, man. Cooties. Well, how long have you been here, Spence? About two months. Diesel, sorry, Diesel. Two months. I'm not calling him Diesel. There's no way.

Yeah, we'll nickname him when we get a vibe. Two months, where do you live? Just on the end of Van Dyke. You know the Drake's? Wait, the 100 block or the 300 block? Which shitty block? You're not on the 200, are you? It's like right at the corner like that what's

the number not don't give it out like we do but is it a 3 in the beginning or a 1 in the beginning or a 2 that way or that way that way oh down 100 block which side

which side it's like right at the corner yeah but Oh, down. 100 block. Which side? Which side? It's like right at the corner. Is it that side or this side of Van Dyke? That's better. The other side of Van Dyke is the shitty neighborhood of the 100 block of Van Dyke.

Shade Tree Mechanic side. Wow. I'm not saying that it's on that street. Hey, we've lived there for 14 years. We know what side is the shitty side. I'm not saying that it's on that street. Hey, we've lived there for 14 years. We know what side is the shitty side. Do you ever get into fights with those people across the street?

I mean, I haven't really been up too much to hear any commotion, but you know. He's fishing, Spencer. That's just his nature. Stop trying to ruin this kid. Hey, Tracy, get this kid a drink in two years. All right, do you want to take a break? Yeah.

I got to take a shit. That's a break. I mean, I don't really have to take a shit. It'd just be funny if that's why we had to take a break. But I did have to break once to puke. I remember that night. All right, please hold. Cocktails.

Mm-hmm. Wait, are you doing that anymore or what? I want to switch out cocktails with bingos. Okay, now bye-bye. No, that's the end. I know. It fucking makes me laugh every time she does it on the phone. All right, cocktails.

Half-assed. It fucking makes me laugh every time she does it on the phone. All right. Cocktails. Half-assed. Untuck it. It's about gall dang time that Untuck It was the sponsor of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Because who's the king of wearing untucked shirts? Doug Stanhope. Yes. I wear untucked shirts? Doug Stanhope. Yes. I wear untucked shirts forever. I wear vintage clothes on stage.

Both Chaley and I do. And even untucked vintage shirts still have like this stamp of 15 and a half and some. Yeah, it's like a stamp, like black ink. Because. I wear a nice shirt and it's got back in mad men days everyone had a svelte belly because i think they were starving but everyone's fat now it's true everyone's fat that is that ish even if you're fat like a tucked in shirt i wear suits with an untucked shirt a tie and a suit and the shirt is untucked and i found

untuck it just like you will through advertising and i went oh shit maybe they have undershirts because i needed undershirts because undershirts have to go with the long everyone you wear an untucked shirt. You're like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. And he looks like a chick that's wearing her boyfriend's shirt. It hangs that low over your balls. Untucked has shirts that are meant to be untucked. They don't hang low. You don't need to. You're talking about that scallop, like in the old vintage shirts that we used to wear all the time.

They have that long scallop down in the front that goes almost down. Yeah. And now that's the whole it's like wearing a dress. It's like wearing some kind of monk's robe. But you have to tuck it in. I don't want to tuck my shirt in. It looks awkward. It's a terrible look.

Untuck it makes shirts that are meant to be untucked. Styled that way. Right. Yes. Have you been frustrated with shirt buying in the past? Fuck yes, I have. That's the reason I've been waiting for Untuckit to come around. I'm a huge fan. What do you like about Untuckit compared to other brands? There are no other brands. That's why i've been waiting for you honestly wearing a tucked in shirt makes you seem like you are applying for a job you don't want there's no reason to tuck your shirt in the only time i remember i was trying to think of the last time or when i ever saw you tuck in a shirt and the only time I've ever seen you with a tucked in shirt. No, close.

You were on that movie set as a cop. And you had to wear it tucked in. That's the only time I've ever seen you with a shirt tucked in. You can't suck in your back. Just being honest. I don't understand the whole skinny jeans thing. Yes, it's a slovenly look, and Untuckit makes it seem hip to be slovenly. A little more palatable for the family get-together.

I can't swear by Untuckit enough, and I want to tell you, try it on in person at one of Untuckit's 50 stores, or go to untuckit.com to get started they even offer free shipping and returns on all orders in the u.s and you save 20 on your first order by using my code stanhope at checkout that's untucket.com promo code stan Dress with Untucket and dress like the stars. Are we going? It's going? It's going.

Tracy overrode Chaley about goddamn time. Because Chaley is treating Spencer he finally found someone that wasn't Gump or Derek that's actually got gumption

and so we're trying to fuck with the 19 year old kid and J. Lee keeps secreting no don't talk to my boy don't listen to them get outside and don't call him gumption ever oh alright here he comes. Good night, Diesel.

Diesel. Gumption, what was the last nickname we came up with? After Gumption, wasn't there one? No, Chad was saying something about how Spencer is Chaley's son. No, you said, yeah, Chaley's being a father. Yeah, Chaley's being a dad. So I said, yeah, well, you guys tried it where Stanhope

was the dad last time, and we saw how that worked out. When you said Chaley's being a dad, I looked at Chaley for his age, what that kid must see, and he sees a fucking EMT worker's salt and pepper mustache but then with purple hair

conflicting emotions here man with a lumberyard shirt that says Samuel and yellow glasses he came up here to tell me that due to us podcasting and him having to run the machines,

like the yard work stuff, the blowers, and I'm like, no, don't let anyone tell you not to work. We've got so many problems with people not working around here that no one should ever tell you. So if I tell you not to work, then don't work. The noise, we're fine with it it now you've been on the podcast people will know that that's what that high-pitched whine is in the back he's cleaning up the yard because when we get back we got to build a haunt down there and it was overgrown because of the monsoons haunted house

for the listener that don't know god damn it's already that time of year again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck happened? Yes, you showed me some videos of it. It's so cool. Last year was great. Yeah, we've got the Bratzels are coming out just for it. Hennigan will be here again. We're going to set up a whole photo shoot again. And John Norris is coming down from Alaska again.

What does Hennigan do? Just stand at the front door and tell people they can't come in? Yeah, makes everything awkward. Yeah, that's what he does. He takes pictures of them at the end and makes them want to hurry up and leave. It's like the end of the flume where they get a picture of you going,

but he just gets kids crying and he puts them up in his own apartment. Actually, he takes a picture of every single person that goes to the haunt and posts it on Facebook and tells them where he has the address so they

can get a picture. And it's like families and stuff. I've walked, I've snuck up behind little kids that I didn't want to scare because I'm the last scare of the haunt. Second to last. Oh.

The ghillie suit. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's a goofy scare. Yeah. That's the one. That's the one-two punch. Well, because I think it's all done.

But I'll walk up and sneak up behind people while Hennigan's taking pictures and be in their picture right next to them and they'll never know it until they see it later, which is fun. That's cool. That's a fun. That's a lot of fun. Halloween night is so much fun. Plus you drink, you know,

I was a regular night over here. And there was people all the way down Black Knob, like lined up you know, probably 200 people just waiting to get in at one point. You know, it's like, okay, well, you're bitching me out. Don't send them in too fast.

200 people is about the average amount of people in this town that are awake and not at work at any given time. That's probably true. The problem is that we keep trying to get more people,

and I think we just need to stop. Yeah, kind of like I did with my career. I was going to say, you said that in the past. It's like you don't want to go for too much more because then that's just more work, and you don't want less because when it's at a comfortable level, we've got all these dates on the tour. These are all great venues that are at the size that if any bigger it's not the same intimate kind of yeah we're doing theaters in big places and bar rooms or breweries and in small

places i've got a i've got like right now i think about 170 twitch subscribers and i've talked about you know i need to try to grow the the subscriber and then and then about, you know, I need to try to grow the subscriber and then I said, you know what? If I do that, I'm just going to get kicked off Twitch. Let's just have the people who are cool. Hardcore. Yeah, you're not going to fucking tell on me. Plug it again to Twitch.

Twitch.tv HD underscore fatty. Just go to my Twitter at HD fatty. That reminds me, I have to resubscribe because it's been a month. I do too. And Joby, who's just kicked on here,

you're at Stan Hope's CDP. Stan Hope? Stan Hope's CDP. All right. I think I, did I get, did I have Valerie Harper? Yeah, you did.

Wait, did she die? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yesterday. It's been a while. What was it. Wait, did she die? Yeah. Yesterday. It's been a while. What was it again? How did she die? Brain cancer.

She's been rocking a scarf for like three years. That brain cancer that they gave her six months on about four years ago finally got her. I think that's only my second kill of the year. Yeah, it was like a Wilco Johnson thing. I mean, he's still hanging on. Listen, I keep telling Joby, we have that trade round. I have not used it yet this year

because I have, no, one time I did, but I have a solid lineup that I still think will win at this late hour. These motherfuckers are just waiting to die when it's cold, I think. I wanted to farm this out on Twitter, but it's better to do it on the podcast.

There's a bit I have about people who you want to punch in the face really bad. Yeah. And I think of one every day or every couple days when I see them, and I want to write it down, but you don't want to start a list of one. But today I thought of three.

The actor from that movie, Baby Driver. Yeah, that was a good movie except for him. I feel like you're forcing me to make these lists. No, I don't want these lists. Just tweet at me. Tweet at me. Just people whose faces make you want to punch them in the face. And yes, I am one of them in the bit.

That's kind of the point of the bit. But I have a face that I hate my fucking face. And I see other faces and I go, ah, fuck, I hate that I have that. But I'm trying to think of... Coward. Call it coward. His face looks painful to have. Coward, I fucking hate that.

It looks punched. So is it ugly? Because when I was younger, I used to have these where I would think people were levels of ugly where you're just like, oh, they're ugly and you don't acknowledge it. And then there's like a double take ugly,

like, oh, fuck, that's ugly. And then there's Hollywood ugly, Steve Buscemi, adorably beautiful ugly. Absolutely. I could be friends with that ugly motherfucker. And then there's, I just want to punch you in the fucking face ugly. That is, all right. I'm on that list. I get that with really good-looking women.

I don't get punched in the face but I like want to strangle them there's like certain there's certain there's certain well it's not like cause it's like

well you don't want to fuck up their face but you do want them to know that they should die yeah don't don't mess with the money maker yeah

example you just want to scare them I don't know oh my god Cameron Diaz has like she has like pretty like choke you out weren't we somewhere where I said

yeah we were somewhere sexually or kill I'm not sure what we're doing it's just to scare her it's just to scare her alright boner goes away put them all on the list.

Put them all on the list. Oh, come on, guys. Don't sexualize my anger. That's the only reason why you can get away with it. If we talked about chicks we wanted to joke because they were pretty, do you know what we'd be called? That's horrible. That's a good point.

You're a pig. Yeah. Hey, didn't we just cut this out of a recent podcast? Something similar to this? Not even close. Did you leave it in? Cut something out of a podcast? Oh, yeah.

What's that? We'll talk about it later. All right. What time are we at? Because I know what I'm... I'm at fucking Xanax time. I just got a whole weight lifted off of my shoulders that she doesn't remember. We still have to do a podcast for the Patreon for the end of the month.

And I didn't ask you, so I'm begging forgiveness. I put a call out to the people on Patreon because I can message them directly. And I said, we're going to be doing a podcast soon. Do you guys have any questions? I have some questions. I have a question. Who keeps sending me shit like fucking whoever I get a gallon of A1 sauce

and I go, well, obviously it's the guy who sent me anonymously two gallons of Worcestershire sauce. But no, Chad Shank says, oh, he heard the two gallons of Worcestershire sauce and said, oh, that's so funny. I was about to send him a gallon of A1 sauce. So not only the two different people, there are two different people who like he wasn't doing this in connection with the Worcestershire sauce. He already had a gallon of A1 sauce, which I'm fucking keeping. We can just go get some bottles, like some old Taco Bell taco sauce bottles,

and just fill it with A1. No, we'll just fucking refill the A1. A1 sauce is the best condiment in the world. We need stuff on the road. Just take the gallon jug. In each breakfast. Into the veggies. Going to Denny's.

Can you pass the A1 sauce, please? Waffle house. Two hands. You have to carry it around in a baby carrier. A Bjorn. A baby Bjorn. Shaley comes waddling over over With a nipple on top And you make him suck it out of the

You feed him You do a camel back Where you fill a camel back up You want to squirt You got to suck start it Alright we're clearly drunk Doug can we Can we do a couple questions?

Yeah. These are all from Patreon. If you want to subscribe to Patreon and support this podcast, go to patreon.com slash stanhopepodcast. A lot of you have done that. We appreciate it, and we could always use more. Let's see. I've got one.

Last time, Joshua Brown asks, last time was Monks in Missoula? Thoughts of performing there again? It was a killer show. Oh, I bet that was the one where fucking they shit on Paris Fairbanks. Which he's from there.

He was visiting and he did a guest set. He just happened to be in town and there was a fucking kerfuffle in the back where like... There was some fucking heckler or a couple. Yeah.

But Fairbanks had had enough. And it was, I think we actually, on some podcast, we aired that because we had it. Yeah. Just the heckler parts. But the thing is, okay, the question was, thoughts of going back. I wanted to ask you this because people want to know why you pick some towns, why you don't. Well, Montana Run is so different.

Montana Run we do just for us. And this summer, I'll be honest, I fucked up. I should have been on the road. I have no complaints, but I thought I'd write up there. I didn't. I thought, maybe since I'm not really writing, I'll get healthy. I didn't. I thought maybe since I'm not really writing,

I'll get healthy. I didn't. He almost got killed by a dog cat deer lion. While I'm taking care of a cat that I left hobbled because I could not protect it from a neighborhood bully cat, much less a mountain lion. And Debertine, the mother, yes. I took care of her as best I could,

and she'll remember that for four hours. Fondly. Beautiful. Fondlingly. Gross to the best of her ability. Steven Murphy asks through Patreon, what's happening with Derek and Bree? Oh, that's a...

Nobody really knows, but they've parted ways amicably finally through interventions of many people. They're both... Let's go living separate lives. She didn't import any family members, did she? Because the other day I saw on the Bisbee Observer they had nine mug shots on the front

and one of them shared her last name. And the first thing I thought was, oh, you didn't bring that dude here, did you? I think Bingo and the other gal took the Observer out of here. So you didn't get to see that. Motherfuckers. The front page was the crime sp see that. Motherfuckers. Front page was the crime spree that was running through

Bisbee. What was the crime spree? What happened? Mostly car robberies. Robberies of opportunity. Crimes of opportunity. There were people leaving their cars open or their sheds open and stuff like that and they'd come out

and stuff was gone. People who have more time than you. They were all shitbags. I got a couple more questions, Doug. Wait. What? Question again? Well, it was about Missoula.

How did that get to Bisbee? Oh, Derek and Brie. Oh, Derek and Brie. They and Brie. Oh, Derek and Brie. Yeah. They're not in the police beat anymore. They've been usurped by... So Tommy G... I don't know. Chad, what does that say? Knock?

Yeah, I don't know. A straight series of events finds me writing you. I'm leaving for Manigrida, Australia later this month to meet a mate of mine to take pictures of fish and most conflicting hunt. Hunting involves indiscriminately killing an invasive species of water buffalo. I find myself at odds

with this and wonder what your thoughts are on the subject. I don't give a fuck. How are you a fan of Doug Stanton but know he's not going to say I don't give a fuck. Well, I guess I retweeted when that Tommy John's fat fuck. Not Jimmy John's.

Jimmy John's. Yeah. Tommy John's is underpants, I think. We're pro Tommy John's. One of the, I saw somebody else retweet that and they said, yeah, protest this guy while you go eat, for killing dead animals while you go eat dead animal sandwiches, you fucking idiots. You know what? No one ever posts their bloated, corpulent carcass smiling in front of a dead elephant because they're going to fucking eat it.

And that was a funny tweet that someone sent back. Oh, for the record, he ate the entire elephant. You're joyous. You're not doing this like, oh, I hate, but it's an invasive species and I'm doing this. The elephant was gonna die anyway. All of your arguments

are fucking dog shit. He loved killing a fucking elephant. He didn't care if it was... It was a bucket list, guaranteed. Yeah, he didn't care if it had a scholarship and it had a lot of talent. Barnum and Bailey's

had him fucking signed on a contract. He's on a recruiter short list. No, I'm leaving town next week to go on an archery elk hunt. Nice. We're going to shoot an elk, cow elk.

You'll be lucky to see one. Well, my family's been hunting in this area for years. There's a huge herd of about 300 elk that move through there. My dad is a fucking conscientious hunter. He's the one with the tag. He's the guy that has the land up in Alaska, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

He'll go. The last time I went up with him, he hit an elk, but not well enough to track it to completion. We couldn't find it. It might not have been a kill shot. One shot, Nicky. Yeah, it might not have been a kill shot, which is unusual for him to do, but he ended his hunt.

He did not shoot another elk in case that one went and died because he really believes that the game is trying to be controlled by Game and Fish, which is probably not true. They're probably morons like the rest of us. Yeah, don't shit. Yeah, but he's a fucking good, solid hunter. So I don't know. I don't think hunting is a – nobody asked my opinion,

but I'll tell you right now that... I would like to think that game and fish people get into that business because they do care. The same way pedophiles get into daycare. You were so right on until that

second part. You just kept talking. I think I made a solid point there. You're woke. I got two more. Can we do two more? Who chooses to look in your ass at customs? That's the job I want. Someone...

Listen, if you have to kill something, kill something that there's 300 of and they can't tell anybody. That's my philosophy. Navajos? Mutes? I don't know you. Jesus Christ.

Jesus. Delete that. I don't want to get kicked off. Still not worse than what we deleted last week. I apologize for that remark. I was trying to find a very much more remote... I was talking about blankets. Navajo blankets. No, no. I was trying

to find a tribe that you've never heard of that has been almost completely extinguished. The one that everyone knows. No, you don't understand. I was trying to pick something that's been hunted to extinction. Hang on. Joby will fix this.

He knows all the weird remote tribes of Indians that still exist in Arizona. Give me one. The Toyotas. See? The Toyota. The maker of a fine vehicle. Good gas mileage, the Toyota. It was a great resale.

It lasts forever yeah it lasts forever good goodness that whole joke was about the fact that we've extinguished these people i got it i got it yeah more jokes like that don't forget duck stand up will be coming to your town soon get on the mailing list wisconsin michigan cleveland new y, down through Richmond, Harrisburg, Virginia, PA. Six weeks we'll be out. Yeah. So Stanky Fetus has, I don't think that's his Christian name, has asked, what killed the Houston comedy scene?

I hear tons of comics talk about how great Houston was for comedy in the 80s or maybe 90s, but that seems to have vanished. Do either you or Olivia have an opinion on that? I've never been to Houston but I do know that they do have good shows. The Secret Group runs good shows in Houston. Yeah, I want to Secret Group, I really want to do that show

but... You will be in Houston on October 14th. Hell yeah. At the Improv. Yeah, I don't know. I've been doing this almost 29 years a couple days ago. It was 29 fucking years. You think I know what the fucking local scene is like?

29 years, everybody. Yeah, 29. Hey, May 14th was Joby's birthday, too. May 14th. I outed you. Did you just say that May 14th was Joby's birthday? I'm writing it down so we can post it in the show notes. You're outdoing me.

I wish I could remember Hennigan's. It's September 2789, and he's also like Joby. He doesn't like anyone knowing his birthday. He's sickened by someone saying happy birthday, as you should be. If you lived your life correctly, you'd get attention on a regular basis and not have to go. Based on merit. Not just being born.

It happens every year, but today you should just shut up. That's true. That's a bit I've tried to stab at, but it was all anger and nothing. Celebrities like P. Diddy and stuff. Oh, he spent $2 million on his birthday party. You have a fucking entourage of people trying to make sure no one talks to you on a daily basis. You spend millions of dollars to have a phalanx

of fucking meat and muscle around you so no one recognizes you because you're always recognizable and it's my birthday shut up and this is one of those times that I wish dear LGBTQ community

any one of you if you could give me a better word for the word I wanted to use right then for weakness. I want to put this on the LGBTQASAP. Give us a word to use. I love that idea. I want to close on that idea. But, oh, I have one more

question. Lady in the back. Hi, my name's Charlie Monroe. Why can't we get one email from a fucking lady? I'd like to know a little more about the making of Word of Mouth DVD, Techno Music,

Hookers, that Don King, Sacred Cow, Hicks. What happened there? What happened know a little more about the making of word of mouth dvd techno music hookers that don king sacred cow hicks what what happened there what happened there it cut off i don't know how to find out the rest of his email but he wants to know about the like what was your experience with the word of mouth dvd uh kevin booth uh bill' best friend, wants to do a DVD. I thought it was Dwight Slade was Bill Hicks' best friend. Well, it depends. I was always terrified about this. I'm not even going to...

But big fat Ronnie Putnam. Yeah. He's a fucking great guy, but he was so full of shit. And he was like a best friend on some level. But if I died when I met Kevin Booth, I go, what if I die? And Ronnie Putnam goes around. Yeah, we were best friends. And there's photographic evidence that, yeah, but he's a liar.

That's not your legacy. So, yeah, Kevin Booth and Bill Hicks, you know, you suffer coming up under that umbrella. If you're like Hicksian at all, then the Hicks-a-fans, you're trying to be like Hicks. I wrote about this. The Hicks-a-fans? Did you just coin a Hicks-a-fans?

That's pretty good. I've never heard that. That's fucking great. That's really good. Oh, you guys. No one's read my second book. You have a second book? I read it out loud and I didn't know that word.

In front of me. Listening to make sure you read it right. I must not have read that part because I would have to correct me on the pronunciation, I'm sure. We just gave him credit for something we heard a long time ago. That was what Stanhope read and we tuned out. I did fall asleep on that last reading. A lot. I forget where I was.

Hicks of Phan. We'll never forget it now. It's in the lexicon. Just like Joe Rogan, I'll pitch into the mix. See how I didn't say throw under the bus? Anything other than throw under the bus. Say something different.

Yeah, we both did our first DVDs through Kevin Booth, and then it was some weird handshake agreement, and then, I don't't know it's still for sale out there and I we don't sell it I have a follow up question so yeah I did that DVD and then

two ships passing in the night yeah half the shit had been on CDs but DVDs were new back then I don't know if we answered the question but I'm all about back then. I don't know if we answered the question, but I'm all about blowing past it. I don't get the question. Hey, Spencer's back! Back in the day

when you did that, how did someone talk to you about doing a DVD, which was new because all comics did CDs? Kevin Booth emailed me and said, hey, I'm Bill Hicks' best friend. I call him Yoko Hicks. So someone gave you an opportunity to

do something that you had to do nothing. Fuck it. I'm drinking. Joe Rogan had done Belly of the Beast, I believe his dvd was called through kevin booth and uh when i did mine through kevin booth rogan and i were friends and uh he goes yeah yeah he's like i go shouldn't i be getting any money from this back in the he was rogan was making bank so he didn't really, but it was the principle of the thing.

News Radio Day? Yeah, and... Fear Factor. Yeah, it was probably... Yeah, he was making money. He was always making money. So he's like, Hey, Joe, you don't need money.

I need money. Like, this is the legend. It's Kevin Booth. His dad died and gave him like fucking a thousand million dollars or something and now wow a thousand millionaire that's how you can't get me for slander because there's no thousand million obvious well so so yeah he's always shaky and yeah and then hennigan's try to contact him about rights to that who

gives a fuck it's it's all dead material who cares all right that's it that's the questions I have from patreon we might do this again I liked

it it was fun can we do a police beat uh no yeah stole it we got a bunch of

oh okay you know I don't mean to bring it up on the podcast but I think that would be a fun thing to do. Wait, wait, wait. There's supposed to be a staff back here. Hold on. We can do a police beat. Take a break.

All right. Because they're back here. I pulled them all. But the newest one is in the house. I want to grab that so you can at least see this. You've stolen everything while I was away. I leave for three months and you've stolen everything? First of all, I need a...

Cocktails! Cocktail! Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Keep your balls off your legs and such sex underwear don't have sweaty balls was that good?

I don't know what did you say? what did you say Doug? yeah cause this podcast is boring I'll be great on the next one and we're live oh geez good thing you didn't capture that this podcast is boring. I'll be great on the next one. And we're live. Oh, geez. Good thing you didn't capture that.

Let's get this police beat out of the way. Chad, do you need to set up here? No, no, no. I can grind up weed and read police beat at the same time. I know my limitations. A man needs to know

his limitations. A man needs to know his limitations. Joey, did you start rolling your own? Yeah, occasionally. I like to roll my own, but I'm going to add some of that if you can. That's notebook paper. Why are you rolling notebook paper? That's a flyer. It's a leftover England habit.

I don't like it. There's no paper in England. We use posters and flyers. You don't have to like it. It's going to happen nonetheless. Weirds me out. Here, Joby. That's from you. Little Wright's Liquid Smoke.

Oh, Liquid Smoke. I like it. Yeah. Barbecue. Joby's all about the barbecue. There's a bottle of Spite Spice And Spite Spice Spite Spice and Spite Sauce Sitting in front of my microphone So I'm assuming it's mine

That's for you And then the Spite Sauce Is from England I actually fermented it in England So the peppers are depressed And sad I love it I'm'm gonna dump it right in my bloody mary's on wednesdays it's fucking great bloody mary wednesdays

when we do the issues with andy podcast that's the uh drink of of choice is that afternoon right afternoon bloody well that's what we started with yeah up at choking charlie's when we accidentally did a podcast when we were doing a sound check, which is how this podcast started. The people after us, because Cass Smiley running the Alaska Before You Die podcast, the Alaska Before You Die comedy festival,

I said, do you guys, have you tested the gear? They had no fucking idea. So I go, we'll show up at 11. Me and three drunk idiots and we'll test all your gear because they had three podcasts one after another. With no sound check plan.

With no sound check plan. With a paid audience coming in. So we did it and we were having so much, we were wasted from the night before drinking Bloody Marys. We did 40 minutes.

And the people that were going next were pissed the fuck off. Because we were having so much fun. And Cass just hit record. I never told her to record anything. And we have that entire podcast of us just fucking around. And Andy. That was the genesis of Issues with Andy. And the guy i met the

night before it's like oh hey handshakes everything would not look at me because we ruined the room for the next two podcasts it was clear that nobody was gonna have more fun than we did on that stage the rest of the day we were fucking dying andy was telling stories oh my god retarded kids chasing retarded kids that got loose at his school like someone paid to round up retarded kids that got loose from the herd it was yeah and it

just started like don't monkey with another monkey monkey Andy that was Andy when he rode the developmentally disabled bus with his brother that his brother ran. Larry. Yeah, he made friends with, and he would call me up and put the guy on the phone, and he'd go, don't monkey with another monkey monkey.

So the genesis of that story is in the Alaska podcast, and I can see why the people after us didn't like us. Hence the Bloody Marys now every Wednesday. That's what I was saying. It was Andy on YouTube. So I don't know why Chad is talking about this minutiae when you should be telling us what's going on on the mean streets of Bisbee.

Thanks, Doug. Maybe you should be telling me what's going on on the mean streets of Bisbee? Thanks, Doug. Maybe you should be telling me what's going on. A caller reported hearing an animal or person making a weird sound at a nearby house. Does that sound familiar to you? Sounds like Olivia Grace just moved into town. Wait, was it? Was it? Arr! Arr! Arr!

Arr! Arr! Arr! Meow! Meow! Meow! Get a lot of tweets, but don't make that weird sound hearing from the podcast. Not Olivia Grace's laugh. I love Olivia Grace's laugh for the record, and I'm going to say it right here. There's a lot of conflict about it.

Fuck those guys. Anybody who makes a comment about Olivia Grace's laugh is saying we need to do video, because if you see her laugh... And it gives me confidence that Olivia Grace is having fun on the podcast, so I have more fun on the podcast. I enjoy it. Fuck you guys. Fuck you guys.

In an unrelated call, a woman said a cat in her yard was acting very strangely and un-cat-like and growling at her dogs. Also you, maybe, Stanholm? It's not me. I've been in Tucson. I have an alibi. I think he wrote this police beat around his cat and puma. I think he came home and reenacted his Tucson antics. We have forever tried to get whoever writes the police beat in the Bisbee Observer.

Google the Bisbee Observer. We've implored you to do this. You don't. But get it weekly. It comes out once a week. Get the Bisbee Observer so you know what town is like here. What we're dealing with. Yeah, for 14 fucking years in this incredible town that I've turned into an incredible compound with the town blocked out and watched by cameras.

What else is going on at Bisbee? A caller reported that a couple at the park in Warren were behaving, quote, erratically and appeared to be intoxicated or, quote, on drugs. Hang on. Let's go back over these three stories. One was a weird sound. The second was...

Cat. Cat acting un-cat-like. Un-cat-like. And now... Now you have a couple behaving erratically. Erratic. In the park. Unnatural.

Un-cat-like. It's Trump's America. Trump's America is what we're dealing with. Cats are not cat-like. Unnatural sounds. Weird noises. People are sharing their drugs with the cats in the area. It's possible.

You don't know. I was going to go Bree and Derek on that one. I was trying to come up with the... They do the hackneyed and tired Bisbee. It's like Mayberry on acid. And it's like keep Bisbee weird. Well, that's stolen from a million places. And I want to do the acid one with meth.

Bisbee. It's like a cool town, but now everyone's on meth. I love that. We are starting a neighborhood watch in Warren. Amen. We need to hire tweakers because they stay up all night watching.

Only ones that are watching. So you're cool with just sitting here and watching my plays? You're not going to do anything weird, are you? Or erratic? Or uncat-like? Or steal my stuff? All you got to do is pay them more than they can steal in their years. Yeah, exactly.

And they're creative. Nobody's ever happy. They're going to get ambitious. We had this discussion. I don't know who it was. When you watch Intervention with heroin addicts, why is no one ever, like, stocking up on heroin? Why are they always getting fucking, like, just enough,

and then they have to go back into the bad neighborhood? No one ever has, like, shitloads of heroin. Those are called dealers. But no, as an alcoholic, I have fucking tons of plastic jug vodka all the time. It is common sense, you would think. The one, I think I told you guys just before, the one intervention that I've done, at the end of it I was like, so what drugs you got in the house?

He's like, well, I got this and this. And I'm like, all right, I'll buy all that drugs off you. Because they're not gonna give you their drugs they'll lie and keep their drugs but if you're like all right i'll give you 10 above market value for those drugs i'll give you drug money for those drugs well you know you hope not but probably that's exactly it that's probably what happens more yeah whatever i was gonna suck Whatever. I was going to suck your dick for that. Me. Money. Sure. It's a fine line between diplomat and sucker.

A man complained that a neighbor's large brown and white dog continually wanders without supervision and poops on his driveway. The incident report notes that the owner of the dog refused to speak to the canine officer they dispatched someone for that fucking i guess you guys missed the message that the writer was trying to send brown and white at the border ebony and ivory live together. So, yeah, we should all come together. What else is going on, Chad?

A county employee reported having video of an older white male climbing up a radio tower and taking an antenna. Wow, that's the worst type of white male is older. Really? What would they do with the antenna? There might be copper wire leading up to the antenna. That's probably it. Yeah, copper is the gold of the meth heads.

Either that or look for a guy on his CB radio talking to people far away. He was screaming, I ain't got money for cable. Where's my bailout? A man called from Burger King to ask for help getting his gun back from his wife. He said they were, quote, ending their relationship, but she was refusing to give him

his gun. Well, how else are you going to end it? He kept doing ending with the air quotes. I'm going to end this relationship. Let's go back to getting my gun back. That's the only way you can end Derek and Brie. Well, if you're going to kill somebody, kill them at Burger King.

A security officer at Tin Town asked for assistance with a trespasser in a pitched tent. I'm going to... Tin Town is the homeless. Well, out here we have neighborhoods. Yeah. And Tin Town is a neighborhood away from Warren. Adjacent to Warren. Well, out here we have neighborhoods. Yeah. And Tin Town is a neighborhood away from Warren. Adjacent to Warren. Well, come on.

Again, separated by the school. It's a suburb of Bisbee. A neighborhood is a block here. Yes. So Tin Town is, that's where they have the homeless shelter. That's what Tin Town is. And the double P. Yeah.

There's a bar right next to the homeless shelter. Separ's what Tin Town is. And the double P? Yeah. There's a bar right next to the whole thing. Separate but equal. Separate but equal. I wonder if this guy had a pitched tent in the double P. But how do you surprise someone with a pitched tent? You had to fucking erect the tent. Someone would see you pull up and open a tent. Chad is like the obvious

pitched tent joke. He's doing this up and open a joke. Chad is like the obvious pitch tent joke. He's doing this about a boner joke. That was a good one. We don't make fun of the homeless on this podcast. Only their boners. Did you say the homeless or the boneless? Oh, jams. Sorry.

I'm drunk. I've been over-served. We're changing the name of this podcast to I've been over-served. Well, that's actually pretty good over served I'm going to do one with Brett Chad and Andy without you and it will never get aired

if a tree falls in the forest if a podcast falls in the forest if a podcast happens in the forest. If a podcast happens and the producer doesn't want to air it. Good luck, man. Can you hear it? When we first did these podcasts in Vegas in front of Stan Hope. Yeah.

And Stan Hope recommended that we call it the Cuckold Podcast because we did it right in front of him. In front of him. And he was laughing the whole time. And it's like he would never. He doesn't even know how to find a podcast. He's never listened to these unless I put them on his youtube i can find the youtube he sat there and watched it live going like this is funny because it's everyone you fucking love sitting there and it was fucking hilarious in that the cuckold is great but i think we would get a lot

of different like weird search results well and i think, as was the problem with all the other names, is there's probably already a cuckold podcast. Yeah. So there's... Tracy says no, as though she's looked these up forever. There's only one issues with Andy. All right, and back to Police Beat.

A caller said there was a large container of lighter fluid on the curb by chuckleheads. Chuckleheads! And people were smoking around it. The responding officer reported fire juggling going on. Listen, we don't want to make people not want to come to our town by hearing that fire juggling is going on. So let's

just say that this was an accident waiting to happen. We're very careful about people. There's no fire juggling. No, please, come to Bisbee. Visit Bisbee. There's no fucking idiots doing fire juggling that you have to watch and then chuck some quarters

into his fucking can? No, that doesn't happen in the Gulch. Actually, this weekend, there's an entire carnival carnival acts at Chuck Leds and around town that involve all of that. All of that. If one burns, we all burn town? Wait, you've got to be kidding me.

I'm in. burns, we all burn town? Wait, you've got to be kidding me. I'm in. Well, I'm just glad to know there was no smoking going on around the fire juggling, because I'm anti-smoking. Joey

lights up and I light up. And then Olivia Grace lights up, probably out of peer pressure. That's why she fucked all the old men she's fucked. What? Oh, sorry. Where are we going?

I don't know. That's a police beat. Last police beat. What? Usually you throw it to Chad by going, Chad! I've been having to throw it to myself because he's not doing it.

Don't you fucking cut this out. It's relaxing. Yeah, I gotta go to bed. I had a long three months. Chad, what else finally is going on? No, not finally. He'll tell the finally. You've done this before, Stan.

How fucking long have you been gone? If you cut this stuff out. He's been doing menial labor for a long time. Three exact months. I love that he says I cut this out like he's listened to one fucking podcast. I have listened to podcasts. I'm this out like he's listened to one fucking podcast. I have listened to podcasts. They clamor for this. The kids, they

love it. A caller who confronted a couple parked in a handicapped spot at the Hereford post office said they were making threats. There's a lot to unpack there. I don't even think that's a closure. Hereford has a post office?

That might have been me. I park in the handicapped spot. There's nobody ever there. It's the first one. I don't remember any threats. Your fucking motorcycle nose looks like fucking... W.C. Fields? No, what's his name from the Elmos?

It's so gross. It's crispy, falling off like I have leprosy on my nose. W.C. Fields for the listener, but for us it's the guy that owns that. W.C. Fields is Gin Blossoms. That's just a sunburn. Pete, Paul, who owns Elmos? God damn it.

He's going to hear about this. That was with me stopping and spraying 50 SPF sunscreen directly into my face repeatedly and then still writing and going, looking in the mirror going, my fucking face is burning. It burns. Zinc oxide.

You need an actual physical barrier. Zinc oxide is what you want to use. I was doing like 90 miles an hour, so it might have been in my eyes if I did that. And finally, a woman asked to speak to an officer about a man who stole her outdoor couch cushions and said she had him, quote, on surveillance. I got nothing.

That's what you ended with? No, we all backed up a bit because it could there but for the grace of God go I. How often have we, looking back at ourselves, stolen outdoor couch cushions? I've done it. I've done it. Olivia?

Yeah. Yeah, done it. Whatever we were talking about, I agree. We were younger. It was a different day and age, and it seemed okay at the time. And now, because it's in the Bisbee Observer Police Beat, we realize, I realize, I did something wrong. Someone had to sit in that chair.

Without a cushion. without a cushion. Get that hashtag on their thighs. So uncomfortable. Maybe one of the best cheers to one of the best public apologies I've heard.

I didn't actually apologize. I'm saying. He didn't say sorry. He just said he did it. That is still better than any of the other public apologies. Let's all learn a lesson from this podcast. Don't do what we do, which is a podcast. And with that, bingo, sign us out.

Okay, now, bye-bye. Like I wouldn't know what the sign out was? Are you going to remind me? No, I want her to do new drops because she does it even heavier now when she calls me. She does it every time I talk to her on the phone. It's like, that's a don't have a cow, man. I'm fucking Bart. You don't need to do it to me.

I don't know how good she did the drop, though. I wanted to do several drops of different intensities. Okay, now bye-bye. Today would have been the day. Makes me laugh every fucking time. Okay, bye-bye now. guitar solo Thank you.