The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#332: Endless Sharts

Episode Date: September 18, 2019

Swollen Valor Fall 2019 Tour Week One - Doug, Olivia and Chaille discuss Traverse City Hook Up, Michigan diner BIG, and endless sharts. Live clip of Stanhope's Kalamazoo show - "Sushi Luke" (Sept. 16, 2019 Shakespeare's Lower Level). Thank you to everyone who came out and to the venues - Turner Ballroom - Milwaukee, WI, Comedy On State - Madison, WI, Skyline Comedy Club - Appleton, WI, Ore Dock Brewery - Marquette, MI, Union Street Station - Traverse City, MI,  Shakespeare's Lower Level - Kalamazoo, MI.Recorded Sept. 17th, 2019 at the hotel in Elkhart, IN with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Remaining 2019 Tour Dates are on the website. Never miss a new date or announcement by signing up for the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Fall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by ILeftMyStuff.com (http://ileftmystuff.com/) - https://www.ileftmystuff.com// - This is not a paid endorsement we just appreciate the service. 'POPOV VODKA PRESENTS' VHS TAPE - Merch Page - www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast now we're recording now we're recording that was it that was a solid uh 10 12 minutes of podcast that went nowhere we have a whole podcast for the night that i just threw in the trash right when you turned around yeah it's pretty hammered yeah if uh our guy in uh traverse city if you're listening to hear yourself on this podcast it's not happening that was way too drunk that was too much of a clusterfuck i should know better than to try to do a podcast after a show. I think you were being polite. Yeah, I was unable to

eat still. So I was drinking. It wasn't duration drinking or heavy drinking. It was just empty belly drinking. And yeah, it caught up with me quick. And that whole podcast was fucked. Bingo and her friend Loop, they flew up to Traverse City,

spent three beautiful days at this. We got hooked up with an Airbnb. I don't even want to say your fucking name, not even your first name. This fan says, hey, I got this Airbnb. You're coming to Traverse City. You're welcome to stay there it's three bedrooms i go yeah bingo's coming this will be perfect two days off and then the gig the third night and uh and it was a gorgeous house a house on a cul-de-sac

yeah like a really pretty area community i think yeah pine trees and perfect and then we go downstairs and the lower floor the entire wall is just a museum of uh certificates of achievement and accommodations I think would be the best way to describe it yeah from the CIA yes government things. Like letters, personal letters from like senators. Yeah. Feinstein, John Kerry. Yeah. Written letters. Hillary Clinton.

There was a Hillary Clinton one up there. Yeah, there's him standing there in the Middle East with stacks of dead bodies around him, smiling and goofy signs. Well, you like to take pictures when you travel. Yeah, he said he said now usually we get like a you know a security waiver signed but i'll just go ahead and i was in the hospital he uh wound up in the hospital with some really graphic pictures he texted me of his guts ripped open from old war wounds and uh yeah what's that we saw the uh cia documents on the wall

yeah it's probably uh probably don't need to worry about that hey this is a shoes off house now everyone shoes at the front door there's fucking guns everywhere there's handguns and you're you go to you want to grab some comforters because bingo and I were going to sleep downstairs on the L-shaped couch in the basement. And yeah, there's comforters in the bedroom. Yeah, in between the comforters, handgun. Tracy just... Bedside drawer, handgun. As a reflex, Tracy went to check the nightstand next to the bed because that's what we do.

For a Bible. For a Bible. Stolen Bible, CIA Bible. There was a gun in there. And I go, put the bed because that's for a bible yeah stolen bible cia bible there was a gun in there and i go put the towel over that just just so no one sees it yeah if you're if you're gonna hide guns in an airbnb put them underneath something people aren't gonna use at an airbnb like the uh like the lawnmower who's gonna use your lawnmower fucking Who's going to use your lawnmower? Fucking cans of deck stain. No one's staining a deck.

You put them between the comforters. It was a fantastic time. Except for the show. Fuck, it sucked. I woke up still angry at that place. They put us in the green room. Yeah, it's a weird thing because I think that

the guys that run the kamikaze comedy those guys are great uh um it was matt ben and jeremy those are the main guys i think they think oh this would be cool it's a big open area to hang out but they put you in basically someone's sound studio that's like a stage there's like a co-op an art co-op but downstairs that that whole the back rooms there there was an isolation booth with a whole band set up and it was all behind glass and stuff and that's an area where there's it's sensitive equipment right yeah i was smoking in there as a closed business i figured fuck it i'm smoking delicately getting to the point that you uh a lot of times i see uh microphones and equipment from sound from sound studios and stuff.

And they they're one of the biggest things is never in a smoky environment. And that is the thing is the gear is affected by by smoke. And those guys just flipped out on you. Well, as much as white guy stoners would fucking a basket full of dreadlocks on his head is gonna flip out he looked barefoot but then i realized he had kind of flesh-colored socks on like he wanted to be barefoot but it wasn't code so he had to put nylons over his feet he's walked in he says uh i I'm sorry. Someone's smoking. And I'm standing there alone in this fucking room by a pool table with a cigarette in my hand.

I go, yeah. Yeah, someone was. Well, I'm going to need you to put that out. I go, this one's not lit yet. All right. Because we can't have. Yeah, I got it. You just told me that. Can't yet. All right. Because we can't have. Yeah, I got it. You just told me that.

Can't smoke. Got it. And then he had the shittiest music on. I don't even know what you call that kind of fucking music. It was artsy, fucking stupid electronic with people talking. And then it turned into like gurgle sounds which mirrored my guts this entire trip. He went upstairs

and told the other Rasta white hippies, dude I totally told that dude off. Well I got bingo to figure out how to turn that fucking awful music on as soon as we walked in the door. So once he fucking chastised me for smoking then he went over and

turned his shitty music back up and i just left and i fucking i hung out in the rain yeah i'm sorry i was told this was my green room and uh you know the kind of the part of the green room that's important is you don't have strangers fucking clumping around or an open business it wasn't open i mean i don't know they just seem like they're chatting back there in the office area but yeah but my point is i think that they think they'll have an area here where they can totally hang out whereas when i pulled in in the alley behind the venue that had three bars in a row and all the smokers sitting out back i'm like oh well just mobile green room right here this will be perfect and then they had something that was a half a block away and it just it was just

their hearts were in the right place it just yeah that guy was a douche and his music sucked and i woke up the next day going i want to fucking call i remember autonomy was in the name of the business it was uh yeah is it traverse autonomyverse Autonomy? Yeah, something Autonomy. Fuck him. Yeah. Fuck that. But thanks to Mike and Ben and Jeremy, and they were great hosts,

and we had a good time. No, we had a fucking awful show. Come on. We both got off stage feeling really bad. You wanted to do that show, though. You really wanted to do that show, so I thought it turned out all right. I think so.

I think it turned out all right. Sold out. I think he's referring to us how we both walked off stage feeling like we did terribly. Yeah. There'll be no record because the sound man like deselected our mic channel. Sound lady. Sound person. We'll just call him sound person.

And yeah, we got the opener. And then right when our walk-on music stopped, he hit something that basically... Kind of like the beginning of this podcast. He did that. She did that. I guess it happens. She did that. She did that.

All right. Well, this whole thing started over the second week. We've already been over this on the deleted part the unrecorded part but it started i started we in vegas bingo and i went to uh impractical jokers had a shindig in vegas so we saw the guys of course yeah they had a different things uh events on different nights and the friday night was going to be the last night we were there and they had their events scheduled at caesar's palace and the rio yeah is the rio a uh caesar's entertainment property oh yeah that's what started it all

is the shitty review of the rio fucking got me banned from all caesar's properties i still want follow-up on that i still want to torture them uh but it did get me out like i like i've you know what i'm banned from those properties so it's good to see you guys oh really that was your uh i gotta go well i was i'm leaving on tour and yeah you don't need to be coming in like a rough shot i take a night off and uh regardless of my best intentions i ate at the buffet at the aria resort and uh that was the friday afternoon and then i sat in bed both bingo and i sat in bed for the next 12 13 hours with the fever shakes and uh the shits and just watched movies on tv and uh that followed me all the way to milwaukee where we started and i i shart myself i think i remember i was at a count of like 14

starting at like 2 a.m the night i got in i had to get up every hour. I'd just feel hot leakage coming out of me. Most times I caught it before it hit material of my underpants, but several times it didn't. I had three loads of sink-washed shart laundry hanging to dry before the first gig. And I couldn't eat solid food, I think, for four days. I did two sober shows relatively sober i think the only thing you ate during that period of time was like applesauce that uh yeah four onion rings one day on on what on diarrhea yeah so yeah applesauce

and banana chips rice too right isn't it rice and bananas? Rice and bananas. Yeah, it's the brat diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. It was rough. But we still had pretty much every show was good. I just felt like shit. And after you don't eat for that long, it's like naked and afraid. And your fucking guts start to cramp and hurt but then it becomes normal.

I think it might be a little, that's kind of a stretch. Naked and afraid. What? They don't eat for days? Yeah, but I mean they're all so exposed to the elements and they can't wash their dirty underpants in a sink in a hotel. I mean.

Yeah, but they didn't have to do shows either. They don't have a gig. That's true. they didn't have to do shows either they don't have a gig that's true they don't have to do shows naked and afraid and you're on at eight oh my god sweating through sheets but you like that yeah i do uh i don't understand that, it's a great feeling when you have the fever, fever, cold sweats and curled up in a cocoon of your own leaking moistures. Your own leakage. I don't like having the sweats, but I do like when I have a cold, I love it because I get all stopped up and I know I've had a good nap when I'm drooling on my pillow. That's what I like.

That's my sick sleep that I really like. It's like, oh, I've been drooling on my pillow. I must be doing a good job. It's like, that to me is like seeing an oil leak under your car and going, oh, everything looks good here. Doesn't make sense. It feels so good though. So now we're in the second week and we were just bemoaning how the

the road will eventually destroy everything that you've built we were saying i was just thinking about it just seems like we've already been out for a year i wonder whatever happened to tanya the yoga teacher it's it's been two weeks since we've seen her it just seems like yeah yeah there's a bunch of relationships that are they're just drift by the wayside you've been 30 years of the road you know how it works it's been a while since we've done a tour like this and you forget and it took me a good solid week to just relax and release. The road is going to consume us whole. You can't fight it.

Not going to keep in touch with people. But, I mean, you came into this one, your special hasn't been out yet, so you didn't come in hot with a brand new full hour, but you still had to come up with new material, stuff you had been working on stuff that didn't go on the on the last cd yeah we me and olivia we're fucking like comics we're sitting in green rooms with notebooks yeah it's really weird i've never you haven't done that all the time i've known you i wondered where he wrote things down. Oh, come on. Canada. Are you serious?

Well, Canada. Yeah. I always have a yellow legal pad in front of me. A yellow legal pad. Like, never like you guys will go down and talk shop and do stuff for hours at a time. I've never seen him do that. Wow. That's so cool.

It's always up in his head. That's why when he's driving or when he's in the passenger seat, know he's working on stuff that's why we don't talk that we have nothing to say that's true we gotta save for the podcast i can get lavalier mics we could just podcast while we're driving we're in elkheart indiana right at the uh on ramp to the the toll road where right staring at diseased toll booth workers. That's the traffic, right? Yeah.

Olivia says that toll booth workers have the highest suicide rate and I think that is fitting. Yeah, that's a fact I heard. Never looked up. It seems like one of those things that just seems right but I think there's probably plenty of other workers that would rival that i mean l cart probably has a lot of jobs like

like yeah yeah we can google it right now but yeah but see the total i've noticed the ones coming out here when we were driving out they they seem kind of snappy, like happy. Like there's a pep. I don't know if they're feeding them something. They found what they're passionate about. Yeah, maybe there's a little slow release in the booth. I do know that we hit one booth and it's like, oh yeah, there's no one there and you better have change. And I'm like, we don't fucking got change.

Who has change? We just fucking left. They'll figure it out, right? Yeah, I get the bill. Yeah. Eight months later. You have to write a check for $1.70. Plus your fine of three cents.

Yeah. We got haircuts here at the cost Cutters, whatever Supercuts place. And it's just a wreckage of humanity. This whole first week of this tour, Wisconsin, UP, Upper Peninsula of Michigan, down through just lunch counters, and it's just death everywhere this is the ray slash mouth ray he was getting a haircut before me and uh he'd gone through some surgeries and evidently he took full advantage when the lady asked ray how his day was going and he went into his entire and his you could tell his gullet had been part of the surgery because he talked like this like like he had the he had the the projection or the

acoustics of a toilet bowl in his face so it was a hollow cavity that was helping so everybody in the cost coach could hear ray's story they said told Ray, if you don't get the surgery, you're going to lose that eye. And I said, what? And it's just going on. And I was physically sick. That was the response to How's Your Day? Well, he just kept going for a while. After he left, the lady says, he tells me the same story every time he comes in.

What a horrible story about I couldn't even drink a cup of coffee. They had to gut out his entire head. The guy is probably 90 years old. His mouth looked, it was the shape of a banana. Yeah, it looked like a cow's

gash. You could artificially inseminate that if you had a shoulder-length glove it was repulsive yeah and then norma came in we put our names on the list and then when i had lunch because there's a couple of people ahead of us, and then Norma came in, she was a ball of fucking healthy. Norma had like big fucking splotches of fucking melanoma or carposi sarcoma or whatever the fuck it was. And then she had that orange as a gaffer tape, but it's cheesecloth, but it's pink, bright pink around to hold her flesh in. When you give blood to hold the cotton ball on. She was not giving blood to anybody.

It's like a gauze, but it's matching colors. Yeah, it stops the flesh-eating bacteria that's chewing her. Oh, yeah, I think I sat in Ray's chair, and I was like, I don't know if I want to sit in Ray's chair. Was it wet? I was worried about it. Well, no, I was just like, he just seemed... Well, Norma thought she was next

because we came back from lunch and I was next and Norma, because she was sitting there longer, thought she's next. I'm next. No, Olivia and Duggar are in front of you. It's on the list on the screen. What's a screen? And so you did something very sweet. i just bought all our haircuts are you and olivia on the same bill and i said yeah we'll get norma too we'll get norma's haircut

thank you that just made my day yeah your day's fucked he walked away and she went and sat down and she was talking to the ladies like wrapping the thing around her neck she's like what a nice man isn't it nice that there's people like that in the world still it was the sweetest thing isn't it gross that there's people like you in the world still in public i know i know it's a retired material now that i've filmed it but since it's not out i think i might pull that bit out tonight oh man i love that bit old people oh yeah no yeah yeah yeah there's nothing i love more than watching you watch old people because i like i'll watch your face and you'll get like twisted and contemptful i'm'm like, what's Doug mad about? And then I'll look around and find an old person.

That's a funny game. What's Doug mad about? Like we all leave and Doug sits at the table for a little while by himself in the diner. And then we come back and then no one can say a word. And we just have to try and figure out what has got, cause I never would have guessed because I was fixating yesterday when we went to the country kitchen in that fucking

somewhere. Cadillac. Cadillac, Michigan. I was fixated on the guy who had a mound, like three ice cream scoops of mashed potatoes and the open-faced beef sandwich that was so big that this big

guy was looking at this thing and like he turned the plate around three times to figure out which way to attack i'm not even kidding and he was like and then he just he gave up and he went right for the mashed potatoes because that was the biggest hump the size of that guy is michigan diner counter guy that's the size he's michigan diner counter guy this this plate of food which was you, you know, 11 o'clock. It wasn't really dinner. It was the size of a head.

It was like when you went to Farrell's and got the birthday sundae. This big thing. It was like mostly whipped cream. It was like it towered up. It's like this thing went up and up and up. And then I remember when we paid, we finished, and I was paying by him I was looking over his shoulder he still had over half a sandwich left that was not going to get

eaten and this was a mountain of a guy and I thought for sure that Doug would be watching that and you had a whole different view you were watching the sideshow while I was watching one of the rings oh yeah just the lanky gray corpse of a fellow with his wife and you could see youth in them like a lot of

these people you go oh you were never fucking normal you were fucked up the whole time you lived here but you could see some youth especially in her but he just looked like he had all the plasma removed to pay the rent. He's probably desiccated meat bag. Yeah. Just strung out. And then he got this plate of spaghetti where that's, it's not humanly possible for you to eat that. And you look so old that you, you were like D Bertine that probably eats the one coconut shrimp a night.

And I wanted to stay and watch that happen but that is good again it was another one of these fucking michigan diners with just so it's a hospice i mean we were sitting at a booth next to a counter that you couldn't sit at the counter because someone had their fucking johnny walker like half a wheelchair half a walker thing just jammed in the seats and there's a four top of corpses and another guy there couldn't help his voice because you know he had you know his esophagus taken out something he had food on his face the whole time no i'm talking about the table one over with the red shirt he sat up real straight. Oh, yeah.

He had some kind of food on his face. Different food throughout the discussion. Yeah, he was a giant elderly baby Huey wearing shorts that are... He was probably 6'8 when he could stand up straight. He talked the whole time like someone had left an AM radio on. You never didn't hear his

voice this fucking broken people repeatedly and we're becoming them just starting our blueprint yep just starting to give up this is what it's gonna like. And there's more than a month left. Every night. Are we going to be okay after this? No. I mean, honestly? Yeah, it's not. We'll be fine. Yeah, I mean, you grow accustomed to it.

Like a third arm or a boil isn't going to go away. That's never going to go away. Yeah. It's just something that you accept. Are we going to start, like, fighting? Is that how? No. No, we get more and more dead. You just don't even see each other.

Oh, dead I can handle. I was worried about active contention. No. No. No. No. I'll just stop caring. It's camaraderie.

It's in the foxhole, man. In battle. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's always us against them. Mm-hmm. We got haircuts.

We're fresh. We are fresh. Got to get our nails done. Got to get the car washed. Oh, my God. It's always us against them. Mm-hmm. We got haircuts. We're fresh. We are fresh. Got to get our nails done. Got to get the car washed. Oh, my God. I need my nails done so bad. I mean, we haven't... If we could just touch on Appleton.

Like, okay, Comedy on State. We hadn't been back there in a while. Oh, yeah. Always. It's such a great club. Madison, Wisconsin, Comedy on State. Two nights there, and they were... they had one of the best green rooms. Yeah, and that's when I was at my most sick.

That's where I was doing sober shows. I had to walk the line of people standing in line to do the meet and greet at the end and just say, I'm sorry. And no one was like, fucking bullshit. They're like, dude, I didn't really even expect. Everyone just walked away it's like i hope he feels better because they they knew because you went on stage and i thought i thought you were gonna be fine after at the end of the show but you were so wiped out

and then you went straight upstairs oh my yeah laying down right to the couch in the green room good night yeah uh but god damn i came in fucking after vegas i was tan i was in good shape and then uh yeah a week later i'm a fucking ghost i'm a skeleton my head is like 80 of my body weight the big ass head there's no mirror that's more unforgiving and honest than the haircut mirror sitting there getting your haircut going oh can't can you turn me around it's fucking then i have to look at ray i have to look at fucking cow cunt mouth ray can you cut my hair in the dark let's uh let's i want to recap the the shows so comedy on state we did two shows there it's fantastic totally love that place then we went to appleton which is the first time we've been back

since cliffy sold the place yeah skyline comedy club yeah they've got new owners i've been working there since the mid 90s fantastic place was so fun with one major i told uh olivia i go it'll be interesting seeing how the new company that came in and bought it has changed because cliffy had been running it there for so long it was just a well-oiled machine. They just knew what they were doing. It was just in and out every day, right? And as soon as we got there, it was evident. Yep, green room for the first time.

You used to have to hang out in the office, like sitting at someone's cluttered desk, and then they come in and they have to do some work there. Can I get by you? Yeah, it's upstairs to the green room. Downstairs, two floors to go smoke. Are you smoking in my office? It was.

Yeah. It was a fun time. They're the ones who wrote the card to Bridget. Oh, yeah. That was really sweet. They wrote a greeting card. I still haven't read it. I read, like, everyone on the staff mentioned something from your set

that you did that they liked. Yeah, it was very touching, and I teared up a little bit. Like, that's so sweet. And if it's a gimmick, keep doing it because it works. So, yeah, I haven't read the rest of it yet. Yeah, so, I mean, we've talked about in the past, we've talked about Appleton, Skyline, and Cliffy and all that, but still read the rest of it yet yeah so I mean we've talked about in the past we've talked about Appleton

Skyline and Cliffy and all that but still a lot of history there support that club man because they're still kicking ass yeah

that was really fun I signed a dude's butt oh yeah yeah because he bought my boxer shorts and then he went and put them on and he came back

oh that's right he came over to me to have him sign it and I with his pants and his ankles duck walking wearing the

boxer shorts so i just fucking bent him over the the table like it was prison and yeah signed that's what i did i didn't know what he meant he's like we signed my underpants and i was like yeah do you have them and he just started taking his pants off and i was like what and then i was like oh he's wearing them and then i made him turn around and i signed his butt and then he waddled over to you and the security guard was even like put your pants on sir and he was like she said it was okay and he was like did you allow this and i was just kind of like yeah how else am i gonna sign him would have been worse if i made him take those off too he wanted to he wanted to be needed that security guy he's very sweet i go don't worry

it's not going to be any issues it's appleton wisconsin it's merch yeah he was pretty quick yeah it is really it is really nice though when someone is looking out for you you know what i mean as a comic and yeah where was where were we where you actually went out of your way to make sure that the doorman get his props for peeling people off of you? No, no, that was early. Milwaukee or Madison? It was Madison. Yeah, because there was a couple times where I was like visibly getting just not even like fully uncomfortable, but just like, I don't want to talk to this dude anymore. And that door guy was on top of it.

He was just like, is that man making you uncomfortable should i have stepped in sooner and then i was like i mean you know you can and then the next time it happened he was like we're closing the doors and then the guy just kind of like ran out it was cool though but that means a lot when that happens traverse city though you did you said something that on stage oh yeah that was another door guy that was being great because it was a sold out show yeah and there it was this uh really he was enormous like and he looked like he had either been like in the military or a cop and uh he was just he just looked like he michigan counter diner guy size but like bill like you know and uh there were so many times where like someone came over to the bar

and tried to go in and he's like do you have a ticket and they're like we're just trying to get a bag for my pizza okay and like he's like well you can go to another bar and get a bag for your pizza and the guy's like fuck you and like tiny guy that could literally this guy could just snap him in half and he was just being very cordial and i was so on stage i was like i want that guy to carry me around like not in a sexual way but like we could just go to the bank together that'd be so nice no one would fuck with me at the bank with traverse city that the union street station is a local bar yeah on like an off night and we're basically it's closed yeah we took it over at their pizza bags yeah this is yeah this is my shot in a beard joint and now you're saying it's you know 45 dollars

no when you pointed that out that not made a lot of sense it's like okay that's why there was a lot of aggressiveness happening is because that's usually where people go for free they don't have to pay a cover let alone alone a $45 cover. But I also really loved how he handled those people. Because even I would have been like, fuck you, dude. But he was just like, because when you're that big, you can be like that. You can get away with it. But he didn't.

And I thought that was great. Traverse City, that was basically a week into this tour or a little more. Because we had two nights off. The second week before that just all hanging there and i was still fucked i went into that kind of like in a dream state because those three days off i did not really recover much so much as stewing it. And because I know this because I shart shart myself yet again

a week after I thought I was out of the woods. That's right. And then so I was farting with confidence. Oh, getting cocky. Yeah.

So I was upstairs we were watching Impractical Jokers and all in the upstairs living room and i i had a just a beautiful beautiful melodious like in projection of wind and then it once it stopped it hit it hit mud and hard and i went through my underwear through my through my long johns a little bit probably get the back of my pj pants ground rule double

so the the next day tracy's doing laundry comes downstairs puts in a load of laundry soon as she walks back upstairs, I ran to throw my shart laundry in with her laundry, which I thought, yeah, she's probably going to be sketched out about that. It'll be funny, but I think she was genuinely upset. Tracy doesn't really sweat those details. And yeah, that was, I could tell she was like,

oh yeah, I'm redoing that wash i go bleach the bleach the drum first like do a load on hot it wasn't like the chunk shard it was just liquid stain we don't know yeah well the funny part is bingo we're the only uh conspiring as soon as i yeah as soon as i heard her start the laundry, I was down there repacking my stuff and I go, Oh, this is perfect. I'm going to put my shirt laundry in her wash. She said,

yeah. And so as soon as she went upstairs, I ran the back way through this basement laundry room and bingo's like, look at the size of that short stain. And I turned around, not realizing that I'm, I'm walking. I walked directly face

first into a fucking wall. It's like underneath the stairs so where the stairs are walled in you have to duck around. It's a weird angle that's coming down. I almost knock myself the fuck out. Tracy called it a compression cut that's above your

left eye now. You deserved it because you wouldn't be whispering if you weren't doing something deceivous. And when you're trying to explain to me, there was really, it was no big deal, but Bingo goes, look at the size of that shart chunk. That's no stain, not chunk. It's still bad.

Tomato, tomato, Jesus. It's just short see yeah first week of the tour maybe but yeah by the end of the week we'll all be just like taking shits in the laundry like the guy that works in the eating a sandwich while he's opening up a bottle yeah yep any more short Any more short laundry? I'm doing one. I'm doing the load together. It's just going to get fucking worse. Marquette. We did Marquette. Have you ever done Marquette before?

No, I've never. The ore dock, Doug. Yeah, the ore dock. The ore dock, not the old dock. Whatever. It didn't matter. The show was too late. Started too late.

Couldn't see anything in the audience. So a lot of chatty folks there. It was a fun show. That was a really fun show. But yeah, I don't like when people are chatty and you can't see them. When you're fighting hecklers. There's no backlight in that place. It's a rock and roll bar.

Yeah, it's just bright blue blinding spots. Rather than really blasting you, I had it so it wasn't too bright so you could at least get some of the reflective light, but there was nothing you could do about that. It's a brewery. Yeah. And no liquor. Oh, that's right.

Tracy was drinking seltzers. Oh, their spiked seltzers were really good, though. Were they? Yeah, yeah, it was. I normally don't like that, but it was good. That building had been there since the Civil War. It was built in like 1870. Wow.

That's wild. It used to be a car dealership. Goddamn, we stayed at it. A place to work on cars. Oh, wow, that's so cool. Yeah, we stayed at the hampton inn and you'd think it was a fucking resort that hampton inn goes with the you know that lobby you know oh yeah yeah the lobby view out onto the water yeah right on lake superior

or whatever it is right next to the order dock that big monstrosity. Oh, oh, okay. On top of that are railroad tracks. The railroad cars would go up along the top of that big thing. It must've been 60, 70 feet tall. Wow. And the railroad cars would come up on there, dump the ore down. And then those,

those chutes would come down and then fill up the ships on either side. And then they would move that, the, the ore somewhere else along the lake. Yeah, I sat in that lobby. It's a big, you know, like whatever, any breakfast area. Yeah. But it was sweet and set up with big tables and had it all to myself.

I spent like four hours that afternoon listening to a previous show where I go, oh, I get some fucking good shit in that show. I get to listen to that. And I was transcribing it all out, and then the Dunderhead family comes in. Oh, that's right. Xbox. Yeah. They have like a PlayStation or something, right?

Yeah. They unplug fucking Weather Channel on the big TV, plug in their fucking Xbox. They got coolers and cocktails. At at first it's just two of them they're like 50 year old big fat fatty couple you know stringy hair nicotine haired and you just set up like a whole fucking picnic in here to play fucking gnip gnop and donkey kong and shit and then their stupid adult children start coming in and there's like eight people of these like carhartt family overalls and they're all bringing in like six packs of this and that and fucking Bartles and James having a hoot nanny.

They stole my spot. But, guy, it was so pretty. I was actually tweeting pictures or texting pictures of that fucking lobby. It was a gorgeous town. It was nice. Marquette. Yeah, that was cool. Upper Peninsula.

Love it. They're a good example. The Carhartt family is a very good example of a lot of those places especially when it's not busy like right now we don't really run into busyness like full hotels or something uh you can really get away with doing whatever i've done that with like setting up uh podcasts and yeah we were gonna do that here if there was no music you could do it i mean they really don't care i remember remember when I did the Near the Wild one one time when Bingo was in one of the hospitals she was in when she had the injury. They don't give a shit.

No. Hey, I need this room. They go, oh, yeah, do you have the key or do you need a thing? If you could just, I'll just prop it open. And then I'm like, this like where like afflac was in here giving a presentation there's still coffee and stuff i'm like oh a cup of coffee it's like yeah i don't care yeah you know and they they unplugged the fucking tv to go play their thing it maybe bothered you a little bit but well it was just i had the whole entire space

for the entire afternoon and like come on you you can't pick Victor in my business centering. You got a writer's retreat going on here, motherfucker. Come on with your fucking goofy things. You're trying to write. You have your party. But when you have the whole main screen with boing, boing. Yeah, yeah. Bink, bink, bink, boing good boy yeah boing boing boing

well uh let's i am very fucking comfortable chaley i know yeah last night you were real loose in kalamazoo like when you you guys, you had to do something. I don't usually riff like that, but just right off the bat, bits I was going to riff were coming into play with the audience. The funniest was when you brought up Luke and that whole thing. I want to play that back to you just so you hear how fucking funny it was. It was crazy. It was one of those crowd-rappy things where everything just falls together perfectly your way

everything what you're like is this a plant you know it's like it just went so well ed ed yeah it was fun do you want me to play that uh maybe i'll play it at the end it's funny uh yeah i don't i don't know what kind of bits i was you weren't i'll just go into with luke and ed yeah sure be funny sure yeah let's we'll do that yeah play that at the end uh but kalamazoo we were glad to be back there i want to say thank you to chuck who uh took really good care of us at shakespeare Lower Villa. And they've got comedy all the time. And they've got Michael. And Maru Sushi. Oh, that place was great.

Yeah, our old bartender's not there, but the new bartender was fine. She didn't make my whiskey sour with egg whites enough, but what are you going to do? But Shakespeare, I do want to say that they are always bringing in comedy, and now they're starting to go into their on-season, because much like Alaska, when it's sunny out no one goes inside in uh kalamazoo so they've got uh shane moss was just up there and they got uh michael ian black coming up soon so they're bringing in some names good good even stanhope and olivia grace that drive this morning

was very zen i felt like the van was driving itself, and it was roads I've never been on, getting down here to Elkhart. The two lanes hit a Goodwill, found a local tie to wear tonight. Perfect for my off-the-rack, not off-the-rack, but my Hail Mary suit. Went to the first Goodwill we went to in Appleton,

and we scored three jackets, which is unheard of. Wait, how come you're looking for a new suit? Yeah, so I had that jacket. Fortunately, it matched a pair of pants that I had because I only brought two suits on the road, and I left one of them at that Hampton Inn in Marquette Michigan and uh left it in the closet didn't realize till Chaley said hey did you get that suit ah motherfucker but I had one in the chamber thank you goodwill stories I love this season because uh when we hit goodwill and we both go rushed into the jacket area first.

But now we each we split up because now Halloween racks. Goodwill starts separating Halloween clothes and jackets like that oftentimes end up on the Halloween rack. The nerd costume. Yeah. So he can go one way and I can go the other and see who scores first. Zig and Zag. Yeah. Three fucking jackets and one goodwill.

And a pair of pants. Yeah. I got those green pants, too. Those pants are cool. I know. And I'm wearing it now. That cream color will meet us in Lansing. Yeah, if you do leave, here's a little tip.

If you do leave your stuff at a at a hotel they usually enlist the service of I left my stuff dot com they act you go through their website and they take care of everything and

you just give them a credit card it's all online oh wow and they send an email to the hotel the hotel packages it up uses their postage

and everything and it fucking goes your stuff's already we should just do that with merch at every hotel. Oh, if you are listening to this, you plan on going to the shows, we are selling merch pre-show. So that's the time to get it. Yeah, and hump

that Detroit date, for Pete's sakes. It's the, what is it, the 19th? September 9th. The 19th. Mount Clemens at the Emerald Theater. Yeah. Ticket sales are good but uh yeah we want to we want to join out yep and the rest of it yes anything i tweet you retweet i appreciate it and uh we'll see you somewhere on this long and winding endless travesty the fucking road yeah we got cleveland coming up buffalo Rochester, Syracuse, Albany.

Oh, yeah, Buffalo is one of your favorite at the Trouth Music Hall. Yeah, I love that place. And Poughkeepsie. Never been to Poughkeepsie. Yep. First time. Go to DougStanhope.com. Check out the tour dates.

Get on the mailing list because we are sending out, basically, if we're coming to your town, that's where you'll get the email. Fantastic. Oh, and you can always get on Patreon at patreon.com slash standhopodcast. Subscribe. And we've got to get ready to do a new Patreon podcast. We should. Coming out at the end of the month.

It's too late. We already told them we're going to do it. But we should have saved that clip from the show that we're about to play right now. Well, you could do it later. Well, that could have been a Patreon thing. Oh, let's do something else. We'll figure out something else.

Let's figure out something to do for Patreon. Because if people are coming up to the merch booth and telling me they love being a subscriber, thanks a lot. And sometimes they just give me cash and go, I can figure out patreon it's pretty fucking simple maybe you don't have a computer i don't know but i'll take the cash uh all right hey thank you for listening stay tuned as this uh this road goes on for another four and a half weeks So that has been it for me, Kalamazoo. I am Olivia

Grace. You're a wonderful crowd. And please give it up for one of my favorite comedians, Mr. Doug Stano. Olivia Grace. And, of course, Bob. There's always Bob. All right.

I don't remember being here last time. I remember being at the sushi place before the show last time. And the fucking greatest bartender. She's not there anymore. But Courtney was her name? Courtney Dodd. No shit. I remember following her on Twitter that night,

and then she never tweeted, so I fucking unfollowed her. But yeah, she made us a shitload of cocktails. And then I don't remember this place. I assume it went well if you're back. Let's fucking ease into this one Luke, you make it? Alright, good to have you here Luke was at Sushi tonight

He said he was here last time He said, do you remember after the show You signed that guy's hump outside I said no I don't remember that oh is that you it's you

nice to have you back that's a great thing about these parts Nice to have you back. That's a great thing about these parts. Things don't change. I see some crutches over here. Is everybody fucked up? I swear to God, Michigan has some of the most broken,

fucked up people. This time, it's the first time I've done the UP in 25 years. We went through Marquette and then down and then wound up in Traverse City with days off. You just thought, Michigan does have some...

Chaley tried to go to a Bob Evans for breakfast. I go, one of the best things about Michigan. You have those old school, still nicotine stained diners. It's not necessarily good food now that I've been to a few. It's just cool

signs that food fucking sucks. But just these fucking, all these broken down fucking people. All these old... Trying to get oxygen in their fucking black lung. I don't know what kind of disease you got from that fucking mustard-colored paint

from 1967 on a fucking Ford line. Whatever. Just fucking wrecked people. Disastrously fucking wrecked people. Like, were you different when you were younger? Or did you always have some kind of fucking epidemic, plague, factory accident. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I'm just talking about my day. We stopped in Cadillac, Michigan for a late breakfast. And just everyone was just like fucking stump necked. And walkers and fucking wheelers everywhere. It's fucking just disgusting specimens of human beings. Thank God you fucking die at the end. How dare Bob have the hubris to fuck the opening guy? He had a baby and it just disgusted me backstage

to a point where I was vocal about it. He goes, yeah, I get that. How did you say that, Bob? I got sloppy about coming inside of her. And I go, whatever word you used. Yeah, I wasn't paying to tell you. You know, you got pussy once. That's what happened.

And your fucking dick didn't know what to do outside of a hand, so it just came inside of a thing. You fucking think the world wants another one of you? It's just a fucking problem. You didn't fucking dump loads in anyone there, did you? A fucking hunchback. They won't let you, exactly.

Yet somehow Bob can throw his entire fucking girth on top of some lady. I can't imagine she's on top because he has to finagle the fucking... That was what's fucked up. It's because when I was talking about the hump I talked to Bob about it Luke said I signed a hump He goes might have been Ed He's a comic from Grand Rapids

You're not Ed are you You are Ed alright Everything comes together That's a perfect circle alright Ed the hump All right. Everything comes together. That's a perfect circle. All right. Ed the Hump. Wrap this up, honey. I'm getting a little pickled.

Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. Bye.