The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#335: Bed Bugs, Cigarettes Burns and Lost Hope On The Road

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Doug, Olivia and Chaille hunker down on an off night and discuss the last week of hotels, shows and lots of driving. Also, we dive into the Patreon subscribers eMail bag. Doug's last DVD, “No Place Like Home,” is now available on Amazon Prime - https://amzn.to/35ila3gRecorded Sept. 2019 at the Econo Lodge in Knoxville, TN with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Fall 2019 and Jan 2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).This episode is sponsored by 'POPOV VODKA PRESENTS' VHS TAPE - Merch Page - www.DougStanhope.com/store (http://www.dougstanhope.com/store) - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast potel motel mafia potel motel mafia is that where we're at yes you know when you book them it has all the earmarks yes if you dropped me into this hotel room blindfolded and then I took the blindfold off, I could tell you who owned this hotel. Yes. I think only low rent comics and truckers. And I guess a lot of these yellow vested reflective vest road crews that stay. yellow vested reflective vest road crews that stay you know when you book uh we're on an off night in knoxville at the econo lodge and i was very excited because they had smoking rooms and and you can tell because uh chaley you're what do you call those blankets there's got to be a

name for them but you know those brown kind of... Bread spread. Yeah, it's almost like a little thicker than felt on a pool table, and it's brown. You're totally right. If I had to fool someone and refelt a table that I messed up, I would reach for that yes anyone who stayed in a motel like this knows that when you peel with two fingers like you're picking up a used condom out of the trash why would you be doing that i don't know you're gonna use it one more time you know you're thrifty you recycle you care about the environment why am throwing that away? My friend is about to get laid.

Wait, which is the dirty side on a used condom? You always turn it inside out. Use it one more time. Yeah, well, using a condom is part of recycling too. The answer is the girl's side is the dirty side. You can tell this is a tweaker motel because everything in the room has pockmarks. Yeah, well, that's what I was saying. When you peel off, you always peel off the bedspread. First.

Yeah, it's almost plastic. And it's got carnival colors, generally like a Vegas carpet, because that evidently hides the stains. Then you see that brown blanket. And Chaley's brown blanket looks like fucking Swiss cheese with the amount of cigarette burns. We have to get it. Let's just tweet a picture of that. Because I already tweeted a picture of the tiny hibachi.

It's literally a foot tall and it's chained to a cement post. Like if you had a patio in Hawaii and you wanted to barbecue. Yeah, but this is on the other side of the parking lot, like on a hill. There's another one right there. And it's chained to the thing like you're going to sit there on your knees

bring your own spatula. I'm sure there's a family dollar around here that sells an entire barbecue kit for a dollar. You're supposed to put that on a picnic bench and have a small little cookout. I have a giant. It has to be a bloodstain on my carpet upstairs.

So yeah, after this podcast, we should just tweet all the amenities of the EconoLodge Knoxville East. I like that. You can never talk shit about the hotel you're in and name it when you're on stage, because then people know where you stay. And then there's always fucking one guy that would show up. Like last night, he was staying there anyway. He didn't, like, follow us.

We were at the improv last night in Raleigh, North Carolina. Weak-ass audience. Really? They were just tired. You could tell they fucking drank beer and watched football all day. Well, Sunday, 7 o'clock show. Yeah. And then the room was like half full too. It was like not quite to

capacity. Yeah, but you could see their faces. It was really weirdly lit where you could see half the room. It was that seating where it's like row seating, banquet tables, vertical to you. I call it a Hofbrauhaus. Hofbrauhaus, but really tightly packed.

So you're talking to people, and you don't know if they're a couple. Did they seat the couple on the same side, one in front of the other, or are the two across from each other a couple, and they're so jam-packed? It's one of those where it was necessary to say, listen, go to the bathroom if you have to i'm not gonna make fun of you because i can see eight rows deep and people are just jammed in there and a lot of looks and they're kind of facing each other the way unless you had the room to turn your chair which you usually don't yeah tracy and i just went to see a show

in phoenix and it was one of those things where now like do we sit next to each other or across from each other either way you're gonna be talking to someone you don't know and that's like well come on and yeah you have to pace the stage chris rock style for anyone to be able to see you yeah you know for half the time because they're kind of faced the other way. Well, yeah, that's what I noticed is they're facing each other. They're kind of sitting at an awkward angle and they sort of look uncomfortable or they're just leaning on the table with their head down.

Or on the stage, like the closest seats to the stage where the stage is actually a more appropriate place to set your drink down it's very you know it it it works it must yeah you assume corporate it is a brand new club yeah for the area that raleigh improv and they're sweet people they're great that very stage was amazing that that that projection that led screen behind you, it's just insane. I mean, they- It was really funny because I thought it before the show, and then I go, I shouldn't say that on stage, but four drinks later. They're showing all these really top-notch, famous comedians on the screen. Live shots.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of comics that you really want to see. And then they interject here and again, coming soon, Bob Schmidt. Someone you never heard of. And then they go back in the Norm MacDonald pictures. Adam Sandler.

Bill Burr. Wow. Yeah. Elijah who? But yeah, they do what they do. it was a really cool club though like the staff was great yeah the green room was awesome i like i liked it there i just like when you go up and you can tell the people like you pointed this out when you can tell people in the front row are uncomfortable you get that vibe back at you and i like i don't know how to fix it like i start blaming myself i'm like i'm like oh they think i'm boring oh what do they I don't know I mean you guys probably wouldn't know

this either uh I mean someone who sits in the front row I think that's one of the worst seats in the house yeah and a lot of times like like uh Greensboro where they they butted the table up against the stage it doesn't make sense and it's like people at that show everyone is seated i wonder if people ask to be is it oh hey is there any way we can get up front here's the fire when i when i used to hand out tickets at a comedy club when i was way younger a lot of people would always say like oh i don't want to be in the front it's like who says i want to sit in the front because maybe they're like look someone's got it joseph roush oh yeah joseph i'm just busting your balls he's the guy that bought the uh trike for uh for home stretch foundation and uh i just i loathe when

someone's front row center that i know because i immediately want to go off script and start talking to them because i know you he was sitting but i ignored it i didn't mention it and uh but i gave him shit afterwards you fucking asshole hedberg was at giggles in uh seattle and uh a guy that i was working with at uh real networks because i go hey you want to go we'll go to the show so i go there and i go hey i'm gonna go say hey to mitch hey, we'll go to the show. I go there. I'm going to go say hey to Mitch and I'll go grab some drinks, go get his seats. And then I'm

looking. I go say hey to Mitch. I get a couple of rum and cokes. I'm looking around. Where the fuck is that guy? Shaylee, yo! You could touch the mic stand from where he got his seats. Are you fucking kidding me? This is one of the big problems is people who get sat up front are the most timid people

because they're too scared to say, no, we don't want these seats. They're too polite. And that's the last person you want in the front row other than your biggest fan. That happened. I don't know who he was but oh yes when we left you last the uh sunny after party you know uh the changeless podcast and then uh sunny yeah the patreon podcast that we put out hanging around with sunny who's in the mental institution for doing the bad bad thing to mother uh yeah we went to that show after

that podcast yeah wherever we were so this guy is sitting i i wanted him to go up he does stand-up comedy uh does it the mental institution and uh i wanted him to open the show but it's one of those clubs where they do an offstage announcement anyway. So I told him, don't do comedy because tonight, because I don't want you fixated on your set. I want you to have fun. You're out on a day pass. And if you have a shitty set, you're just going to ruminate about that. Just enjoy your vacation.

But I still wanted to. I addressed him from the stage and his team of doctors that were there. Really cool people. Just genuine care about mental illness, care about solving problems. And so at the end, I thought I said, all right, I'm going to bring him up at the end to close the show. Just say thank you for coming out. But he's got a big booming wrestler cadence and it worked out perfectly because the guy that was sitting stage left in the spotlight

that's another problem with comedy clubs is where the stage lights drift into the audience so the audience is in the spotlight and very aware that everyone can see them and their reactions. That's why I hate fucking table dances. I never liked them because I didn't know how to react. Am I supposed to go, ooh, yeah, for like an entire song?

Like, no. Oogling the whole time. Yeah, I'm looking at other chicks and stuff. We have a relationship for the first two verses and then I'm looking at other chicks and stuff my we have a relationship for the first two verses and then i'm looking at the chick that's on the main stage so this guy so rude this guy that's sitting in the spotlight is like appleton appleton we had the same guy that would gesticulate and every punch line he's thrown his hands up in circles. And, you know, Def Comedy Jam.

Like Arsenio Hall. What do they call those? Whoop, whoop. Yeah, what do they call those guys on the roast battle? You'd know. Oh, yeah, The Wave. Oh, The Wave. The Wave. He's doing that the whole time.

And he's in my periphery, like to the rear of my periphery. But every time. So you're hyper aware every time. Yeah, the Chalasian the big one is in this eye but he's on the bad yeah he's on the good eye side so i can see him i'm not even going to explain what a fucking chalasian is but yeah it finally burst yeah it's a fucking i got eye goiters that are getting bigger uh so at some point, I said, listen. I mean, I addressed it a couple of times.

And at some point, I just said, all right, listen, you're so distracting. I'm not going to throw you out, but I'm going to just move you to where I can't see you. Can you just do me a favor and move towards the back? I think I gave them free merch for doing it. I was very polite about it. It's like what what did i do wrong well you're fucking doing all this goofy shit and i can't concentrate but that opened up the seat and i go hey bring sunny down put him in the seat so then he's right there to come up on stage and close out the show i I think we get off topic because I was trying to talk about fucking army guy last night.

But you did tell that guy, the guy that you moved to the back of the room, you did tell him, look, I'll talk to you after the show. I thought he was the guy that was heckling the whole night. Oh, I don't even remember. Yeah, there was another guy that was heckling.

Anyway, you told that guy you talked about and we brought him backstage, and he got to take some pictures and hang out with you. But it was one of those things where you explained to him, look, it was too distracting what you were doing. And I think he finally got it. This is the guy who was flailing in the one corner, right? Yes.

Okay, yeah, he was awful. Yeah, but he's right in the spotlight. If he's in the back of the room, it doesn't matter to me. I can't see him. No, he threw me off really bad, too. Like, yeah. Yeah. Well, I think he was the guy that was tweeting me at dinner.

Yes. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. No, he was. That's creepy. That's. Yeah.

She's upstairs at wherever we were at some restaurant. The guy's going for his grill. Oh, they're using the chained down grill? He's getting it right now. Oh, he's stealing it. Bolt cutters? No, this one was just in a parking spot. You don't

need a mic, Tracy, because we finish each other's sentences. Yeah, you were talking about the guy last night because you were talking about guys in the audience. Yeah, we were talking about the guy last night because you were talking about guys in the audience. Yeah, we were Raleigh. Raleigh. After the show last night.

After the show, we get to the hotel bar that's supposed to close at 10. She stayed open until like 11.30 for us. The seventh show in eight nights, too. We had six nights in a row run, and we were done. That was time to relax. Yeah, I remember saying on stage that we're at the end of week five, and it's like the five stages of death that start with denial, and then fear, and bargaining, and then then depression and then acceptance.

And I said, but the comedy, it works the opposite way because I'm at anger. And I was just, but I sold it. I put a lot of fake energy into it that was unreciprocated. You started it. You started the show like that. Yeah. This is fake energy. Yeah.

And I told him, listen, I'm fucking up. I'm threadbare. I have a. He shook his glass. I was trying to make it be not obvious. And people like the sound. I was very clear that I was at an emotional fucking dead end. And then this guy is at the little hotel bar afterwards.

And he does the, hey, stand up, good show. Kind of stewing in his drink. And then I went out to smoke, so he came out to smoke. He's like, yeah, my wife, she left as soon as you got here. I said, oh, does she hate me? He goes, no, she's afraid I'm going to make an asshole of myself if you're around. Cut to an hour later. He's just one of those people that, I don't know, he didn't seem nervous, but maybe he was, and that's how he masks it.

But you try to have a conversation, and just tell me about the drive out to Milwaukee. Well, we were driving, and then we hit the 80. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to take the 40 when I was there. I used to live in New Mexico. You do that. No, but you asked me about Milwaukee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were going because last time we were in Milwaukee, we were driving. Yeah, you know what? My friend's a Brewers fan. He wouldn't let you finish a sentence. You're not engaging in any way, and I don't want to be talking to you fucking anyway. I'm trying to be polite, and yeah you you're at a small bar i'll engage you but just and then as he got progressively drunker then he's just monopolizing every car he's just overstepping our conversation with the bartender and yelling over us and i mean at one point i pointed out the fact can i finish one of these sentences

like this is supposed to be a back and forth was it picking up on passive aggressive for sure no and then i got a little aggressive well no actually he well what happened was he's trying to shout me down oh yes like in the middle of a conversation with the bartender where he's three seats away. You were trying to. You'd remember better than me. The bartender asked. Yeah, I had one drink. The bartender asked, you guys in a band?

What are you guys doing? And that's one of your favorite questions to answer because we have a thing we say. And you said, well, we're a Christian rock band, but we don't believe that shit. We don't believe in any of that shit. It's just the easy grift. This is just so easy because they're so gullible. She's all like, really?

And then he, I mean, we're not even looking at that guy. I'm dutched this way to one side, so I'm not even like, I can't even see him right and he starts explaining about how olivia is like this awesome girl bass player that does all these moves and everything but he's talking loud over us over you trying to explain and you're like hold on hold on and then you finally said basically great you've done we had her going and she goes wait you you guys really on a rock band we had her on the line yeah i know and you were like fuck man you know this guy and then he starts yelling i'm giving her a compliment

how good at bass and it just s it kept getting louder and louder and then you go shut the fuck and then you stopped i think that was where he thought maybe you don't own every conversation well she asked you the question yeah and he was answering and he just jumped in you're not even here then it got really aggressive yeah that's when i went fucking i'm going out to smoke and then he looked at me and i said, listen, we're done talking to you. Do not talk to us anymore. And he goes, you fucking blue hair or something. Some stupid like elementary school thing. I'm like, yeah, he's like a 40 something year old army dude.

But it was like he sized us up and thought he needed to put us in our place. Yeah. Well, then he followed me out. I just walked away i'm gonna go smoke and he's like just because you're out smoking i just don't mean i'm not gonna entry yeah i'm you're not taking my smoking spot i go okay and then i went back in i just left my fucking lit cigarette at the smoker's post and went back in and then he followed me back in and then i went back out and he went back oh you oh, you disrespected me, and I'm not going to take this.

So then I fucking asked the front desk, is there security here? And then they kind of talked down to me like I was drunk and had a problem. I go, this is a little tiny girl bartender that's dealing with this outraged fucking meathead army guy. He was enormous. He was huge and like just not.

I really couldn't. And I still stand by I could have fucking calmed that situation. Listen, you can say whatever you want. There was no way I was going to be a part of you talking to that guy if I could keep you away from him. Because I know what you can do. You're charming as fuck, and you could have had that guy buying you fucking shots.

But I don't want to take that chance with a guy who's unhinged that his wife said, I know what's going to happen. I'm leaving the downstairs. Before he even says hello. So with that information, why the fuck would I even tempt him? The only reason, and I thought of it again this morning, when I go down for breakfast, I don't want that guy still stewing. So we didn't eat there.

Yeah. That solved everything. I do believe that you could have talked him down because I do think ultimately what he wanted was to be included in your life for the night. I 100% agree with you. And I 100% block that from happening because I don't need to be proven you did that you

did the right thing i know i did yeah no no that guy was either gonna punch me or you and go to jail or who knows yeah no knows what that guy would have done i was his wife doesn't trust him yeah yeah and she knows him yeah yeah so no and he was one of like the first fans of yours that I met. And I'm like, I'm afraid of this guy. Like, I don't want to give him anything. You'll get used to that.

No. Well, I mean, even the guy who was like haggling and tweeting before the show, I'm like, this is weird. Oh yeah. We never finished that story.

He was, he was actually a pretty sweet guy. Yeah. He was very sweet. He was just out. He was just on another level, you know, but like,

miss, I think everyone's going to murder me is upstairs before a show in a food court. And then someone's. You were writing or something? I had a cocktail napkin going and I was writing a couple notes down. And I was getting tweets on my phone from somebody that was like, Olivia, you're working too hard. Just enjoy your food. Just eat your food. Just let it flow when you're on stage man. The tweets are coming

from inside the house. You must get out of that house. Get out of the restaurant. I was trying not to look around too much because I didn't want whoever it was to know that I was reacting. So I was like looking at it and you know but when I went up I was like who was that? Clearly they're staring at you. Right.

And they see you futz with your phone. Well, yeah, but I mean, I could be doing anything. I was just trying not to react like with like a hawk, like turning my head around. Like, who could this be? Because that's exactly what they wanted. Exactly. Was to see that happen. And it was he also was saying he was shouting to anyone in the bar who was a fan of yours,

because there were a lot of your fans up there. Do you guys know who Olivia is? Say, like, I wasn't there. And at first I thought it was funny. I was like, oh, maybe he doesn't know I'm here. And then I realized later, I'm like, oh, he knows I'm here. That's why he's doing this. He's like, it's the guy, whoever is tweeting me.

Raleigh, that was the guy in the Packers shirt and his buddy last night in Raleigh. They came around to the back, like dumpster exit of the, where we're hanging out smoking at the improv. And the guy's acting like he's giving his buddy in the Packers shirt a tour. And they also do comedy shows here. I fucking ducked back in. They gave him shit on stage yeah really you you give them a tour of a fucking outdoor walking mall and show them the fucking dumpster side oh they also do comedy shows really yeah they usually use the front entrance i'm very surly before a show because i'm trying to get my head well you're trying you're getting into it but it's like it's you're not you don't want to be surly it's just

it's so easy for you to get like taken away from where you need to be yeah and that's the heart's thing and smoking yeah smoking outside and it also like it feels rude too to tell people when And that's a hard thing. And smoking. Yeah. Smoking outside. And it also, like, it feels rude, too, to tell people when they're bothering you when you're concentrating. So then there's, like, this weird guilt. Do you have that? That guilt thing? Yeah. No, I have it incredibly.

And then you go, oh, now I'm a fucking dick. And then they go, look, dude, it's just one autograph. Or it's just one. It's like, but there's 25 other people oh my god and as much as you do after the show if they would just stop fucking taking pictures with you before or during the performance you're you're you already are going to be out there until everyone gets a picture that's what i just all right well let's uh i think we have to uh break on this one oh yeah yeah yeah

uh so let's uh let's break and we'll get back to our greensboro and then a bunch of other shit we got fucking patreon questions we have uh we got a lot please hold cocktails i don't like the cocktails thing that much how about i love please hold please hold that's better that's yours it's not really mine. I actually stole it from Captain Rowdy's wife. She's not using it. No. No, she's old and has kids. Please Hold.

Alright. Let's do this. You need to stop. Don't ask me questions. We gotta get this done first take. Yeah, don't pick at your we gotta get this done first take it your fucking fingernails i'm trying to do a read i can hear the clacking the munching the the flesh coming out that's what it sounds like to me my friend chuck riggs was we were we're at this uh recording studio like a band practice place, and we were leaving, so we were kind of destroying it.

And he went to go, I'm going to go upstairs. And he went through this access point to go into the ceiling. And I still remember hearing the nail rip into his forearm. This is not a way to go into a commercial break. Untuck it. Go into a commercial break. Untuck it. Who's the king of the untucked shirt in the stand-up comedy market? Me.

God damn it. Yes. My vintage suits. I wear them untucked because I got a big fat gut. And who makes a better untucked product than untuck it. Untuck it. This is how I found untuck it. I found them through podcasts, but they have, I go, do they have undershirts?

Because I wear vintage shit. And in 1968, people didn't have big fat guts and they had a proper length untucked shirts. Untuck it makes shirts specifically to wear untucked. And guess what? You have a big fat gut, stupid. That's why you need to wear your shirt untucked. But anything you buy nowadays that's new, if it's not untucked, it hangs down to your fucking knees and you look stupid wearing it untucked.

It's not designed to be worn untucked. It's designed to be tucked in. Untuck it has gone the step forward of like, oh, wait, how is everyone wearing it these days? Untucked. So let's do a cut on this fabric so that it looks good untucked it makes so much sense yeah i can even wear untuck it shirts because yeah as long as the jacket is vintage the pants are vintage yeah and my white driving loafer is shiny and new yeah untuck it i i couldn't believe that we weren't sponsored immediately by untuck it and now we are yes because i can pitch the buck out of untuck it you know untuck

it as a uh a fit for your frame and i'm saying that that's a blanket statement because they have over 50 fit combinations. So no matter how you are physically, they're going to have something for you. Good. Wear it. Wear it untucked. Did you ever see a guy with a shirt tucked in with the fucking spare tire belly? You know, just untuck it. Yeah.

Pull that out. Take a cue. It looks gross. Yeah. Special effects, man untuck it. Yeah, yeah. Pull that out. Take a cue from the ladies. Yeah. Special effects, man. My God. When I was wearing that cycling kit, when I got talked into cycling with my giant head. The skin tight spandex.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone goes, oh, now I know why you wear those vintage suits. Because I have 80% of my body weight is my head and the rest is my spill belly gut on my little tiny alien frame and i wear it untucked and now there's a place to go for that you can hide your shame with untuck it. That's not their catchphrase. I invented that, and I would like a piece of the action. Untuckit.

Try it on in person at one of Untuckit's 50 stores. They got brick and mortar stores now. No shit. Yeah, 50 of them. That's one in every state. They're probably near a mall, so there's a funny bone nearby go to untuckit.com to get started they even offer free shipping and returns on all orders in the u.s other countries aren't as fat so you can tuck your shirt in if you're starving You can save 20% on your first order by using my code Stanhope at checkout.

That's untuckit.com. Promo code Stanhope. Dress with Untuckit and dress with the stars. Well, okay, I'll tell you why. At the liquor store right over here next to this wonderful establishment. Why would there be a liquor store right here where a pawn shop could be? Or a 24-hour laundromat. They have a whole section over there of moonshine and moonshine products.

Those were two bottles of moonshine that he just bought over there. So the road crew, it's a Monday, so he's obviously working tomorrow, is drinking Moonshine. They're drinking it early. They've got to get up at 4 a.m. They're responsible. These roads are going to be perfect by morning. I drove five hours today and did not freak out over bridges so i feel like i

not completely dying but otherwise i feel pretty bad get that fucking horrific hack uh but uh how do you feel bad on the road like what's your experience well that's yeah greensboro we going to get back to you. It's just been, like, out of, well, we haven't done 30 yet. We've done 23 out of 30. And only a couple were, well, Traverse City was just, the room was just, let's just power through this and I was still

sick you wanted to go there yeah yeah I love the experience it's just a show I just you walk into this venue and go how are you going to make this work it's definitely not built for comedy it's a cavernous and Lansing I was rock and roll bar

that's Traverse City you were talking about the beer bar Traverse City oh the shotgun style bar yes and Lansing I was just fucking not there mentally and by Greensboro

like there was no place to sell merch listen I don't know if I should let you behind the scenes a little bit, but I like to throw a night or two on the tour where we don't do merch. And I give you a reason. We could do it. If we wanted to, we could do it.

Yeah, we should have done it in Cleveland, but we didn't. Well, it gives you a break sometimes. In hindsight. In hindsight. I'm always happy to not do merch. So we could have done it there. It just seemed like, well, you know, we've been doing well. There's really no reason to do it here if the situation was bad.

You're going to have to decide on Nashville because Nashville is the place. If we want to sell merch, we have to do it on the sidewalk. I love that. I got great. All right. Me and Bingo out on the corner. I'm in. I love Nashville. We are not even in front of Zany's. We are around the corner. Across from the Yeah we're like MC Hammer selling

fucking mixtapes out of his van before he got famous. I'd sell it out of the van. And since I'd sell it out of the van if I since... I'd sell it out of the van if I didn't want everyone to know what we were driving because it would be very convenient. Yeah, Greensboro, again, it was one of those... I'm telling you, and I always use that line,

you love honesty out of me until it's I don't really want to be here. You just hit a wall, and i don't have the kind of you know brain that will stop me from telling you exactly what kind of mood i'm in if i hate your town i tell you if i love your town i'm not lying i don't fluff but that was one of those nights where it was just all right right, six-week tour. One day is going to be shitty and more than one. You did preface it by explaining our past tour, Shit Town,

and saying, you know, we called it Shit Town because they're shit towns. Yeah. I just felt overly abusive. And the fact that we weren't doing merch. You were overly abusive. Especially that one that the American Idol panel that was seated right at your feet. That was very weird. Those three people.

The one guy who was a prison guard. Yeah, that was very weird. It was the opposite of the vertical tables it was horizontal banquet table right against the stage with three people they were judging gymnastics three people literally sitting and facing you at where their eye line is that's where the stage your feet yeah and there was a three-seater you'd think it would be a four-seater for two couples at least no it was a three-seater

and it was three middle-aged men there were tables open elsewhere they shoehorned that fucking table in there I don't have any idea do you remember what you said to the guy? no I don't remember anything. It's a fist fight up there.

You're talking about prison guards, and then this guy was a prison guard. It ended with Nazi, but it was pretty specific. Yeah, I can see where that train of thought would go with that bit. But like you said, they love your honesty until it's about them or their town or specific and i

don't think everyone felt because at the end you did say you know thank you so much for coming i i i'm glad you're here i'm glad i came here and in that i mean you get a lot of tweets after a show like that sorry the audience sucked no it was my head that sucked it's not like i did anything different it's just all it takes is a little turn of mood or just being absent where i go i like i've been saying this too much and i don't have anything different to say and i'm not like my head's not capable of riffing anything new yeah i think what do you do with shows like that olivia i freak out on the inside and feel bad like i feel so guilty when i'm like i have nothing to give tonight like the last show we did i was so tired when we got there

and i tried to pump myself up and i was trying to scribble notes and stuff like that but once i got on stage i was just like i just gave up immediately i couldn't like i didn't know how to pull myself out of it and then i felt i started having a crisis i'm like oh this dog is taking me out on such a nice tour and i can't even fucking pull it together so i just freak out i don't and they don't know that unless you tell them that that's my problem is i tell them but but i like it though because i think it resets your like your energy level to like well all right at least i'm being honest with you my head's not in it and then i think you can sort of recalibrate from there but for me i just blame myself and kind of freeze up i always thought if i could transfer what we go through on stage to sports betting like all right if i could get a read on this young quarterback like what would i if like coming off a heavy loss like greensboro the next day i'm reset like you said i fucking focused on writing shit down and i always thought

like if i could get into the head of a professional athlete and what you know his tenure is is he fucking 12 years in as a you know quarterback does he really care And how will he respond to... I think... I often fantasize about quitting comedy and just sports betting. But I couldn't do it. Obviously, I'm fucking on a two-week fucking horrible losing streak. But anyway. When you look at your notepad and you've been writing notes and then you look at them before the show and it's, you know, when you're reading an article and you're not absorbing it.

I have a set list here and I'm staring at it, but my head is not absorbing any of it. And yeah, all right, fuck it. We're going to free ball this one because I got shit. Just talk loud and fast three shows i said what do you close on the night you know i don't know he said i don't know what i'm starting with ladies and gentlemen it's so fucking funny because you i think some of it might be that you just have to forget everything because once you get up there you'll get you'll get the rhythm but it's it's that hesitation before you get up this is what i'm noticing because i don't

do stand-up but i do see a lot of people do stand-up and you don't feel like doing i played in bands that we played six nights a week for three months in guam and didn't have fucking running water or electricity for 21 days you We fucking play it every night because you just do. You just get on stage and do it. But I have to tell you, Olivia, last night when you said you weren't going to do merch, I got a little disappointed. Did you really?

Because the only thing you should really be doing other than comedy is getting your fucking name out there. And you did merch. You did go out because there were people that were what, is Olivia coming out? I go, I don't think she's feeling good. I'm like, what the fuck is that? And then you said, oh, I'm coming out. But you, this, you need to

build your audience and that at the merch table, suck it up, Buttercup because you gotta fucking do it. Okay, well I'm with you on that. And that with the we talked about when we were driving out before we got on tour, Doug, is that you have the opportunity now to be doing sets repeatedly night after night whereas you don't get that opportunity to do 20 minutes straight and then the next day licking your wounds from one that didn't go well that night to maybe, you know, correct me at the next time. At OliviaDoesBits on Twitter. And what's your Facebook?

Olivia Grace Facebook. And your other thing? My website is OliviaIsFunny.com. They're loving you. And I hate for you to miss that connection. No, I'm with you on that. Last night I was really thinking of the opportunity cost of like, I know that I need some time alone.

And I don't know if I push myself need some time alone and i don't know if i push myself to do merch when i really don't feel like it am i going to start tipping over into just being consistently tired and not having like recovery time so i was trying to weigh that against like meeting i i see your point i definitely i understand what you're saying there's nothing worse than having to do merch after a show where you hated yourself. I hated myself so bad. And I knew I just needed to somehow bounce back from that. And I didn't know if merch was going to make that worse.

And then it would carry over. That's why when I know that's going to happen, I address it. I am going to put on the biggest fake smile like a politician. But I'm not going to want to be there, et cetera, et cetera, just so they know. So I feel comfortable in completely. I was I was I was given the fucking merch line shit for being a bad audience in a positive way last night. I channeled my inner Brody Stevens. Listen, you know, you were a terrible audience

tonight but don't let that get you down and stop going to comedy you get better as you go and just keep working at being an audience because the club is new the that the raleigh improv has only been open a year i mean there's other that's not the point. The point is, I was giving him shit for being a terrible audience. You treated those people like they never heard a comedy a year ago. Yeah. You'll get better at this. Just get back on that bike and ride. He said, make notes.

Go home. Think about what you didn't do right here. I don't know exactly what I said, that will lead me into uh several things that i didn't remember that you do hey yeah uh like i brought a few saraquil with me and saraquil is a powerful downer so i i yeah i i think i planned for like five Seroquel vacations. I can sleep 16 hours on a Seroquel. But don't exactly remember. Only because you told me.

I don't even know what show that was, but it doesn't matter. At some point. This is under my podcast notes. was but it doesn't matter at some point this is this is under my podcast notes things we had to remind Doug he did it was Asheville after the Asheville show Asheville's great great eagle

fucking love that club yeah yeah that's one of the many places where my biggest fans were outside smoking talking to other people about how great I am and discussing my bits and never went into the show. Well, or they pop in and out and it's like. Yeah. Anyway, so it's too bad.

You guys had the fucking like the curtains clipped with a fucking, you know, the hanger that's made for pants. Well, see what happens is you've got the blackout curtain, and then they have a sheer curtain for during the day, so you can't look in, right? And the AC unit is right below it. Let me preface this. Let me preface this with I am cheap as fuck when it comes to hotels i don't think there's any value in hotels because i'm a drunk i'm just gonna come back i'm gonna pass out

with a downer i'm gonna wake up and eat whatever fucking free offerings they have and we're gonna get the fuck out so yeah me and the trailies bunk together olivia gets her own room and uh yeah so the ac it's kind of counterproductive because this this billowing curtain is kind of holding the air back so i took the see you have specific sleeping habits and you sleep with fucking ambient music or a podcast in your ears and sometimes i wake up at four o'clock in the morning and i can't turn on espn but i took the the trouser the trouser uh hanger where they've got the two clips and i hooked that to the bottom of the of the curtain so it held it in close to the sill because of their fucking poor design and it ends up that

that turns into an alarm yeah it's the same way they hang foil plates off an apple tree so the fucking so the crows yeah the donkeys whatever so it was like early early early morning and uh traces all great great get him get him you were at the window with this donkey alarm. Yeah, I was trying to get through the bathroom door in my head. And you were trying to go out the window, but it was clattering with the hanger hitting it. I don't know what was going on in your head. Yeah, I was trying to go to the bathroom and piss.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's not the bathroom. And then you turn around. You just walk to the other end where you found what may have been the bathroom. And then Tracy's all, I don't hear him peeing. And then she yelled. This is all secondhand knowledge to me. But in the morning she said she yelled, are you peeing?

And then she heard peeing. I might have forgot why I was in there. That's so great. what else did i forget oh we did some weird thing there was that new brooklyn tavern in columbia new brooklyn tavern is in uh yeah west columbia and they were doing the festival yeah so we had that's we couldn't do merch there so we bailed out carmen Morales showed up with fucking they did the night before but she showed up with Carlos Valencia who kept showing up on the cuff

what's that expression? Free? No the only one that I know that he didn't have it it doesn't matter I love Carlos he doesn't bother me this is another one carlos

valencia texting me yeah i got a new phone i have that old phone that you have but uh yeah i only turn it on every several days to see and usually nobody i think oh they everyone has my old phone number this will be loaded with voicemail people who don't know my new number is emergency road stuff only hennigan chaley like people who need to get a hold of me my old phone i can't put in so full i can't put numbers into it i can't add apps to it's fucking ancient and every time i turn it on nothing no one's trying to get a hold of me i don't have friends that aren't in the van uh so after but carlos was one of those hey i'm gonna be at the show carmen morales hey i'm gonna be at your show if you don't remember me

you shaved my arms at johnnypp's house. That sounds familiar. So after the show. And she showed up with her arms shaved. She said she's shaved them ever since. Show was great. See, I do influence the young comics. You do. John was a great host.

That was a successful show for them. Yeah, it was good, dude. And afterwards, I was surprised. You wanted to stay. I thought you just want to leave. But Brian Poussin was coming on. You them. Yeah, it was good, dude. And afterwards, I was surprised. You wanted to stay. I thought you just wanted to leave. But Brian Poussin was coming on. You wanted to say hey. So we were hanging out in the back.

And then we finally get... Yeah, Poussin was doing a second show because they were doing a comedy festival. The Columbia, South Carolina. Cola Comedy Con. Rivaling Montreal now. Yeah. Well, there's more deals done at Cola. Yes, actually.

Ones that get paid. So Aldrich was there too from the Bisbee Blue. So we're leaving and there is a camera crew set up. I was really pickled at that point. Oh, you were wasted. I went in to say hi to Brian Posehn in the green room before his show, after my show. And I immediately, Brian Posehn is not a guy I'm comfortable around. But he knows you.

You know him. Yeah. You can say hey. Pass the baton. It's his show. I know that he is even worse socially than me. And I'm only social when I'm drinking. But I was drinking. drinking yeah and he was

getting water with jeremy essig and uh so i i i was there for just long enough that i go oh i should leave and i'm pretty sure i didn't say anything stupid but i still was uncomfortable and left back to the smoking area where we see this camera crew. Outside of the venue in the parking lot. And I have no idea what is going on. It looks like a news crew, but there was no van. Until you got close. And you're like, are these college kids?

I thought I was crashing. We should all, I think that's what I said. We should go all be in the background of local news. Tracy, was it pride week there or something yeah so it was wait pride is i've noticed that about pride it doesn't seem to have it's not like saint patrick's day where it's a day it's where whenever you decide it's pride yeah you just don't we should just call every show the Doug Stanoff Comedy Festival. The annual.

Even if we're not there for every three years. It's the annual. Go ahead. Yeah, well, we went over to that. There was a bunch of us. It was like me, Carmen, Carlos, Doug, you, Tracy. And we were all standing in front of this tripod set up because we thought it was a picture and then we realized there was an interviewer and a camera

guy and they were arguing with each other and they got your name wrong I have no idea what happened I called him Doug Sam Hope or something like that and then I turned to the guy holding the mic because he had like an official microphone with the label on it the triangle because he had like an official microphone with

the label on it and the triangle the triangle yeah and I was like is this your first day and he was like what and then I just ducked out I was like I'm done being involved with this and there's the guy behind the camera was like will you please hold this light for me and then he went from behind the camera to start arguing with the interviewer guy while they were filming and now they're arguing while everyone's still trying to take a picture. And I think they were trolling you. Because then they called him Brian Passame. And I was like,

I think they have to be doing a character. There's no way. Like a Borat thing. There's no way. All I remember is saying, let's crash this camera and everything else is not a memory. Yeah.

That was, I mean, I, they were definitely trolling with it. Like it was just weird. They were so incompetent that it was like, this has to be a joke. And I had a night off.

That's why. Oh yeah. We lifted there and I fucking got hammered on suit. I had to drink the ephedrine, Sudafed and, uh, the vodka. I just realized I don't want anyone to think I'm drinking and driving. Yeah, I had a night off.

Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, every time you play the new Brooklyn Tavern, it's a night off. Well, John is opening his own comedy club called The Comedy Closet in West Columbia. So next time around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, i liked him a lot he was super passionate about that festival and obviously been working really hard on it so speaking of brian posain as far as being really uncomfortable around a comic because you think you're making him uncomfortable someone came up to the merch booth

and it was the fucking i was so overjoyed i don't know it doesn't matter all right but he had a thing i don't know if it was a book or a stolen bible that he had david cross sign and the guy had mentioned me to him and david cross said oh he hates me and i did write i had a i had a story that i put my last book about david cross and it's one of those resentments i've harbored for over 20 years and i did close it out by going now i'm that same fucking miserable fuck that i've probably pissed off a lot of young comics by going hey listen i'm working on some shit oh all right i took a picture what he said well so david cross signed my book digging up mother doug i truly love you david cross and uh that is so sweet i think when i was writing that book uh or shortly after it i found out not only is he on twitter but he followed me on twitter he follows me and i'm like

god damn it like i know it's a stupid thing but i'm one of those people that when i think you hate me i fucking hate you yeah no i get that and uh all those not all of those but when i moved to la and that was the that whole alt thing was just starting i just assumed because they always shit on road comics and that's all i knew and i probably wasn't much better than any of the road comics they were shitting on uh so i always thought those guys hated me i know patten was always really nice to me and uh just were defensive yeah well i still am i'm fucking worse now i'm way worse now i anyone who doesn't go out of their way to sign my book. Hey, I truly love you, David Cross. I think still hates me because the other problem with being a fucking booze bag is people do that talking down to you.

Like the front desk when I said, hey, don't you have security? That guy's being an asshole. Oh, is he? Okay, sir. Am I slurring? That guy's being an asshole. Oh, is he? Okay, sir. Am I slurring? Because there's an actual problem. The house is on fire. Sure it is.

Is it? Yeah. I'm sorry if my motor skills, if I had cerebral palsy, you'd fucking listen to me. You should have done the walk. So I love you too david cross even when i fucking harbored resentment i still said i enjoy your comedy and that's all that should matter to a comic yeah i still agree with i get that kind of paranoid too though because anywhere that i've lived where there's a comedy scene i've never felt like I was part of the scene ever. Like I absolutely like every time I go to like a show or a mic,

like that's why a lot of the comics in New York, the thing to get that you do to get booked is you go to the show and you hang out and you talk to the comics and the booker. And I'm like, fucking huge. Why would I do that? Because I know they don't like me. And then I just feel in the way and like weird and like I'm like And then they know I'm networking on top of that. So then I feel guilty about having ulterior motives behind. I just overthink it so much that I'm like, what? And then I just assume they hate me because that's just easier. Do you know how long it took for me to believe Todd Glass likes me?

Oh. He's always goofy and you don't know if he's talking down hedberg was the embodiment of thinking he didn't belong forever like even when he was well i fucking watched you fucking bite and tear and chew your fucking fingernails down to a knuckle while i drove for five hours today so i hate that i know you hate that and i you know what and you're right about it and when we get back i will get a manicure because you're right it's it's like it's bad for me you know how chaley said he cheats his cheated cheated his chair away from the drunk army guy so he wouldn't

be included i sometimes have to do that to you at breakfast because you fucking you eat your nails more than your fucking hash browns they are tastier yeah oh my god no you're right and it's it's a terrible i can hear it like i know you can hear flesh being pulled off of her fucking fingernails like a oh my god no it's it's it's it's a really really bad way to manage anxiety and you're right and i will get a manicure i promise you that hold on a second tracy can we get a couple hey tracy how are you enjoying the tour? She's the only person who's never annoyed me once in my life.

So can I bring this up on the podcast? Why is she not going to Florida? Can I just pay for her ticket? Yeah. Well, it's three nights. Well, the point is she does so well at the merch that it just doesn't make sense no no I'll bring her I just thought three nights

in out I dragged the bag I talked to her and I said hey do you mind if I talk to Doug about this because I just I always prefer if you bring it up on a podcast. Yeah, I know. Like her nails.

Why would I just yell at her in the car and make a... Why waste it by being polite? No, you're right about that. There's things you can do. My sister-in-law has a problem. She does this... That's what I do. If you take your pointer finger and touch your thumb

right where the nail in the skin is i'd pick pick pick pick it's a nervous thing and i think she still struggles with it but it's one of those things where you just i don't know what i do to fix that i don't know i don't know what to do to fix it either but you should stress less yeah i know stop thinking about i don't know what the fuck to do no no i i i it's definitely like there's ways to fix it i just have i haven't put the effort in but you are right it's not just an annoying habit to you it's also like it shouldn't i could be doing better for me like you know i could have it looks like it hurts it's like if i was squeezing my chalazion all the time you are squeezing no i touch it i

touch it i touch it when uh okay i gotta say this is a am i it's gross all right clearly but uh when you were when you were poking that thing on your eyelid which which is basically a puss-filled sack. Yeah, you can look it up. It's Chalazion with a Z, I found out from Google. Were you like, it's going to go? And then when it came out, were you... It started. I had already imagined I should film this,

I close up, have someone fucking do it. Because it looked like, all right, this this is gonna fucking blow it's like a giant white head like i got a small boil or a large large zit and i thought oh wouldn't it be funny if when this fucking explodes that they pan back you film it and pan back. And then I go, hey, Dan Tosh, it's me, Doug Stanton. I go, that would be funny footage. But no one was in the room when it finally fucking came to fruition. So sorry, Dan Tosh.

You missed out on that great shout out from Doug Stanton. Has that gone viral? Yeah, I know. It's still gross. The other thing, you left your shoes somewhere. Yeah, I know. It's still gross. The other thing, you left your shoes somewhere. Oh, motherfucker. I left those fucking cocksuckers Staybridge Suites. The best hotel of the tour?

Yes. Full, like, separate living room, kitchen. And I was so happy I left them a five-star review. And then I left my goddamn white shoes in the room and then when I figured it out at the next gig, I called him up. No, we didn't find him. Bullshit, there's no other place.

I can forget a lot of stuff, but I'd never leave a room without my shoes. That's the only place they could be. You wear shoes in the car that are different than the shoes you wear on stage. And the shoes you wear on stage are a pair of white loafers. My white driving loafer. And no one in their right

mind would want those pair of shoes. I don't know why you think someone would steal those. Hang on. Hang on. Let me see. I forgot about that story. There's another steal those. Hang on. Hang on. Let me see. Oh, my God. I forgot about that story. There's another story that she had to remind me of. No fucking way. Yeah.

That is the picture that's going to go on this podcast. All right. Yeah, when you hike your pajama pants. I hiked my pajama pants up, pushed my belly out to almost Chaley levels of pregnancy. I'm not eating dinner tonight. And then we went down to smoke. I only heard this. Go ahead.

You tell the story. Oh, yeah. Because I heard it from you. We went downstairs to smoke, and for some reason, because you had your pants hiked all the way up, you pretended to be retarded the whole time we were smoking

so well not the whole time out of the elevator you were doing a character that was could barely talk mentally challenged enough to not be able to talk and we walked past a group of women in the lobby that were all wearing like animal onesies and you you were doing the like, I can't do the voice. Say, I need a cigarette in your voice. I need a cigarette. I don't know. I have no idea what I was doing. I can do cerebral palsy really good, but I was doing mentally challenged.

Yeah, with cerebral palsy too. I say mentally challenged as though that is less offensive than the fact that I'm telling a story about mimicking one for comedic effect. It was so fun, but I got to play along with you because then I just went into Special Olympics coach mode. Which you used to do. Yeah. It's just placating everything you say because I'm tired. That's basically what it's just placating everything you say because i'm tired that's basically and at one point we got outside and then you would walk past the front desk doing that and so and pass the security guy and pass those uh chicks in their onesies and then when we got

outside you broke character and you were talking to me like normal and then everyone who saw you pretend to be retarded earlier started walking by. So you kept going into character as they walked by. Good. I had a fucking keen eye for who's in my periphery. At one point you got smoke in your eye and you were doing the smoke in your eye mode. I have no idea what that even means. I don't get smoke in my eye because I wear contact lenses, which is why I didn't really express this fucking chalation when it burst because I don't want to lose my contact lens on tour. Oh, sure.

But I had no idea. I was faking it, I guess. Yeah, well, you were faking it just to freak people out as they walked by you because you moaned at the exact moment that someone was crossing your path. And you kept saying it was because you kept getting smoke in your eye. It was beautiful. It was so funny. We are at the acceptance point

of the five stages of death. We have seven shows left. We're doing the same run we just finished. Seven shows in eight days. Yeah, but it's the end game. I know. And I feel good.

I drove. We have fun shows coming up. We're getting to see some fucking friends. Chattanooga, they won't be up by Chattanooga. But Nashville, New Orleans. New Orleans is going to be a short amount of chaos uh off night in hattiesburg lafayette i don't know if we'll see the jill bears hopefully they don't bring their fucking kids um do you still want to use that hattiesburg pop-up we're not supposed to talk about it in front of Doug

no you have to tell me when I'm really drunk because another thing you had to remind me of you guys are trying to get a show in Hattiesburg on a night off we were really drunk yeah you said it was a good idea I said it would be great if we just all host a show

Olivia does time and we get three other comics locally, and we do it at Thirsty Hippo. And we were really wasted. It was after the New Brooklyn Tavern. Right. And Doug's like, yeah. I go, would you at least go to it?

Yeah. Next day? Yeah, you said, I'll tweet about it. I'll tweet about it right now. Oh. day yeah you said i'll tweet about it i'll tweet about it right now oh and you've been getting me goddamn fucking bacon pineapple pizza every night when i know i shouldn't be eating at the end of the night but i've been eating bacon pineapple pizza because you're a feeder if you were a queer yeah you would be you would be christine levine's perfect lesbian lover. Oh, my gosh.

She gets fucking hammered and takes her downer, and then all of a sudden you start putting pizza in her face. I remember several nights. She was popping it on her chest. I remember. Yeah, and I just scraped the toppings off and put them in my mouth, and then you'd eat the fucking bread. I do eat the crust.

I'm not supposed to. Nope. Yeah, it's horrible. It makes tomorrow the next day really We didn't talk about you overflowing the toilet. Oh my god! Biggest dick move of the tour so far.

Shaylee doesn't enjoy Bingo and I and now Olivia with her IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. We like to discuss our poops in the morning. How is your poop? Describe it. Earth, wind, and fire.

Coming up with clever ways to say it. And Chaley will retch in the morning. He's got a timid stomach, especially, it's just... Especially in the morning. The best one was early on on tour with Doug, sharing a room. And Doug gets up in the morning, takes a fucking, just a messy Halloween dump. Oh, black water, keep on rolling. Oh, my God. Comes out of the bathroom and goes,

Jaley, someone left a nickel in the toilet. Who does that? Who does that? And I walk in there and it's like someone with a 2x4 across the face. So we're driving the other day and we're describing our morning dumps and Chaley puts on some horrible, as though

there's any other kind, B-52 song at top volume and makes us fucking listen to it in revenge so now what we do is we make up we we we talk about a thing and then we don't say we're describing our dump till the end so i said hey you know those eye masks you get me for my chalasians with the little beads in them you microwave them imagine if you like that was a like three times the size and you cut one end and you squeezed all that those that gel and beads out of it out of a small hole in a fire that's what my poop was like this morning before he can fucking hit the b-52s oh

yeah the the trick is to describe your poop without chaley knowing you're describing your yeah i still haven't i still haven't thrown my hat in the ring but you'll get comfortable enough you got seven more days yeah i got i got some in the fucking chamber but when we got to ashville not poop i'm saying descriptions go ahead we got to ashville not poop i'm saying descriptions go ahead we got to ashville uh doug uh doug always hits the toilet first and tracy laments this because it's like god how come i can never i go you want to be first she goes no i don't want to be first but i don't want to have to follow because you make tracy be a fucking sherpa she's got a bag of a giant ikea bag over her shoulders full of t-shirts and posters and shit and i've got three backpacks

on and i'm fucking pulling a roller bag yeah and i have because i boil it down to one backpack because i don't shower or change my clothes all right so anyway she laments the fact that she can't be first but she doesn't want to be first. She just doesn't want to follow you. Well, today, or that day, in Asheville... Andy described that one as the claw-me-to-hell

shit, where it's just really thick matter, and it streaks all the way down like claw marks into the pipe. So Doug gets done. Drag me to hell. Did I say claw me to hell?

Drag me to hell. Doug gets done in Asheville at the hotel. And then I go in there and I flush it one more time just because there was still some soldiers left on the field. Some toilet paper and shit. So I do that and and I'm like... No, claw marks. I remember describing it.

There was toilet paper left in there, too. I just flushed it down, because I figured someone would be going in there, right? Well, no one ended up going in there for a while. And then I go in there, and when I flushed that piece of toilet paper down, it had actually started to bubble up. And there was a bubbling sound. Like a boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And it's because the water is now filled up into the rim where the water is actually coming out.

And then the water is going back in at the same time. And I go, uh-oh. And then for some reason I flushed it again. And then it started water falling over the thing. What's happening? He didn't think to fucking turn off the water. I didn't know it was overflowing. I didn't know you'd fucking...

It was pouring out when you called me in and I went to... That was the second time I flushed it. But yes, we turned it off. I described that poop as... Like if you had... You painted a wall the wrong color and you tried to wipe it off with toilet tissue and it's going to take several fucking layers of toilet tissue till you get down to a clean ass cheek. You know those. Come on. I sure do.

I sure do. Doug goes, Let's adopt southern accents for the rest of this tour. We're getting ready to go to the venue. So I definitely have to get in the bathroom. Because it's time. And now it's overflowing.

Doug goes, I'll call down. Calls down to the desk and says, hey, our toilet's overflowing. And fucking went right out the fucking door. I ran, literally. Fucking see you later. So this guy comes up to a fucking wet floor overflowing toilet. Front desk guy. And he doesn't even look at me.

He just unpacks the plastic bag that plunges it. And he just does his thing and then leaves and i'm like he not only thinks it's me he's disgusted that guy i tipped that guy i threw him a 20 over the counter later yeah when i was drinking and i could make eye contact i had to go up and ask him for something like after that incident and before you tipped him yeah Yeah, not comfortable. Oh, that's the guy that cock blocked Olivia Grace where she was so drunk. She was going to she was going to fuck Arlie Ermey, the fucking bartender. I was not. I thought he was very.

This guy looked just like the drill sergeant from fucking. I was going to say Watership Down for some reason. Full metal jacket. They alliterate the same. He's very he was a very sweet guy. I like talking to say Watership Down for some reason. Full metal jacket. They alliterate the same. He was a very sweet guy, and I liked talking to him for sure. And he was closing down the bar, and by the end of the night, I was so drunk. I was like, will he kiss me? Will he?

But then his manager came over and was talking to him. The manager is the guy that unplugged our toilet. Yeah, that was the guy. And, yeah, he just he said something and then i was like oh they're oh he's working i should i should go to bed like that's that that was the uh let's uh let's get to these patreon questions because we're over time a lot of these podcast listeners are like hey i have to go to work all right uh first of all we're over a thousand subscribers so uh gorgonops uh you said 500 000 subscribers that's great one great one

thousand great or so when you show up and you're a patreon subscriber i give you an extra hug uh see the tour that's it then my fake smile turns into a real smile. Sarah Gilbert. From the Roseanne show? No. Well, maybe. I think so. I don't know.

Probably. I can't wait to see you, Doug, in Nashville if I can get there from Memphis. My car won't make it, and I just got out of a five-year relationship, and he was my ride. Well. Oh, and they canceled the Roseanne show. I would say you could probably find another dude to drive you. You feel this. You're a girl.

Yeah, no, there's a... If you didn't have all these murder issues, you could probably find a guy to drive you anywhere. Well, they've gotten so much better. I'm worried less about being murdered and more just about being rejected in general, which I think is the actual fear. Wow, that's quite a continuum. Yeah. But I don't know.

I don't know. You can find a friend to give you a ride. There's really no question here. Yeah. Does she have tickets? I think it's sold out. Maybe that's her next, if I engage,

then it's money, and I need tickets because he took it with him. Yeah, I feel like, I feel like you could get a ride. All right, so George Wells IV, two questions.

What happened with Dean Ween? Still hoping a podcast with him happens some days. And what happened with Charlie the intern? Did he get shanked? Thanks for the podcast. Love yous guys and go oh my god this the charlie the intern thing i don't even want to touch it because he was uh done he was going to work on getting sponsors but from la and then he's

supposed to be handling the andy andrews thing which i called him about with problems that i can't deal with on the road and he goes i'll handle it and then they go no charlie bailed on this thing we got fucking chris castles is doing this now but charlie doesn't ever tell me i don't fucking know it's not my problem so what was the question again he pulled himself out of because yeah what was the question though the question was uh whatever happened with dean ween oh dean ween yeah and ween you had i thought you got in touch with gene ween i yeah i i thought it was i don't fucking know he called when we were drunk podcasting but i always confuse that with the fat mike thing from no fx and i don't know who we talked to when that was those are two different incidents yeah but i know no one keeps in touch yeah we're all old people we don't make new friends unless we're

on the road maybe when we get home we can revisit that so yeah come out he did want to come out but he but yeah yeah they they're not calling me sober either yeah we're old men with fucking problems and i live in bisbee arizona it's not on your way to something so there's no gig there that you're doing hey can i get a backstage pass to the dean ween at chuckleheads uh yeah i have no idea i'm flattered that someone from the ween organization called me but uh yeah i don't know what the fuck we said ask him yeah fucking why don't you yeah email him go hey stanhope is really upset that you haven't kept in touch it's grassroots baby yeah and he also forgot that you were in touch but i'm still flattered all right here's my favorite part this is olivia uh emails from

the patreon uh subscribers uh the grim keebler says, Drunk Olivia is my new favorite drunk member of the Drunk Podcast. That's very flattering. Yes. I also like myself a lot more when I'm drunk. I was wondering, because you've had a couple shows, you've abstained from drinking before most of the shows,

and you seem to have more fun when you're drinking, and I don't want to put that in your head you said that with the smile of the devil i also want to say we missed the fuck out of chad shank as do you oh i see him every week on the uh issues with andy podcast you can check that yeah is that what you were listening to in the fucking back of the car today? Hurting my guts? Because I see you editing our podcast and there's not a chuckle. No laughing. You're right. I was listening to Stern for the first time because I was driving. Driver gets to listen to what the fuck he wants to.

So I listened to an entire episode of Stern. And Stern's talking about how unfun he is. How he hates meeting people how he hates talking to people i'm like this is me i'm the least fucking fun guy in the world to be on the road with and you're in the back going and i think i think i hate andy a little bit because of it uh it's released on fridays You can get that on YouTube. It's called Issues with Andy. I think you're fun to be with on the road.

I'm just saying. Yeah, he's just self-deprecating. Oh, totally. So here's my last one, and this is for Olivia. Nathan Donovan asks, Can someone please tell me what King Kong and Barbecue Show song Olivia Grace comes out to?

I'll Be Loving You. Yes. Which I never heard of that band and I fucking dig it. I really like them. Do you have any new ones? I said that to Chaley pre-show. I go, did they shit can?

I have like, what, 10 songs that we play before the show, only 10 songs that amuse me. We've added some to it. And then her song got added into the playlist. I go, did they shit can or a fucking iPod? I keep calling it an iPod. And Chaley just told me there hasn't been iPods for like fucking 10 years. I don't know.

I did. Hey, Tom Kanopka, I want my fucking iPhone back. I said this on the Patreon, but I don't know if you have a dollar a month, but yes, I need that goddamn phone. I have all sorts of burner phones now, but that's the one I need

to figure out how to get an iPod on a phone or something i'll never learn what are we doing next didn't you have more shit no that's it all right good um i want to say thank you to the guy in raleigh who uh gave you a 113 dollar uh gift certificate for belk department store yeah because i said i lost my fucking white shoes. I had to go on stage without white shoes for the first time in like six years. And some guy said, oh, you can get them at Belk. And you looked it up on their website.

Yeah, they have them. White loafers. Yeah. Online. I don't have them in the fucking store. I've never seen it. I've found white loafers in thrift stores more than actual shoe stores. So you did give us those gift cards, so we got a microwave and a set of king size shoes.

No, I got a toaster. That's what it is. Whatever. I don't know. Something you got. You said heat up food. I don't care. You plug it in, right?

So it's a microwave it's all fucking uphill downhill from here Houston San Antonio

New Orleans Lafayette Chattanooga Nashville and yeah I feel acceptance

would you say Huntsville oh Huntsville yeah Huntsville and maybe Hattiesburg and possibly possibly Huntsville? Oh, Huntsville. And maybe Hattiesburg. And possibly. Huntsville. 10-10. Javelina's birthday. Shout out to you Javelina.

Miss you. Love you. And we'll be home soon. Kind of like regular people, but a little bit different. I feel like I've grown. I think we've all changed a little bit and we have different plans for murder.

Yeah, she's making it tough. I think I know we always say, bingo, take us out of this, but this has become Okay, bye-bye now! The louder she does it every time she, and I fucking smile every time. i think she calls

just to say that there's like no message sometimes but then she goes i gotta go okay bye now uh new special oh yeah that's the only thing i didn't mention the uh no place like home that went out on cso if you still have cso you CISO. But finally, it's out for free on Amazon Prime. And that's all I really give a shit about is it being seen. So please retweet that. Fucking put it out there. And yeah, no place like home. Amazon Prime and the new special.

We're still fucking working on it. Hennigan's trying to figure out what platform it goes out on. And I'm at a place where I just fucking put it out. Who gives a fuck? But that's what happens after five weeks on the road. Fuck it. Just put it out. Doesn't matter.

Okay, bye-bye now. Do it. Bye. Dance monkey. I was trying to get everyone to do okay, bye-bye now. No one can do it like Bingo. You do it, Bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. it bingo okay bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់� Thank you.