The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#337: Cleaning Up After Andy - Part 1

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

Part One of the Andy Andrist Special recording weekend at the FunHouse in Bisbee with Andy's pill exchange, Lawyers v. Standups and Dong's sage advice. Doug's last DVD, “No Place Like Home,” is now available on Amazon Prime - https://amzn.to/35ila3gRecorded Oct. 11, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), Havelina (@valentinaresmon), Chris Castles (@chris_castles), Dong, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).This episode is sponsored by 'POPOV VODKA PRESENTS' VHS TAPE - Merch Page - www.DougStanhope.com/store (http://www.dougstanhope.com/store) - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -The Comedian as Confidence Man: Studies in Irony Fatigue (Humor in Life and Letters Series) by Wil Kaufman - https://amzn.to/35ZHNdeHomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey hey not hey hey fucking fantastic weekend and Andy Andrist. The chaotic shitstorm. Do you have a title for this special? Not necessarily. I wrote down a few. Yeah.

Yeah, they'll be editing to do, but Andy Andrist filmed here in the Funhouse Friday, Saturday of this year of our Lord, 2019. I thought this was evergreen. October 18, 19. All podcasts are evergreen now. How can you listen to them all? So, yeah, you filmed your special,

and we had a fucking great turnout. You had great shows. But last night, Junior Stopka was here. A million people were here that Andy didn't tell me were coming. We're trying to figure out fucking just sleeping situations for people. Well, there's a finite number of seats. And when we were on tour, when we were talking about it, we thought they were more than what

ended up happening because they cut a lot of seats for the cameras. Yeah, it worked out. Yeah, you have to admit there wasn't an overrun of fucking weirdos that we didn't know were coming. Yeah, no, it worked out perfectly. But I came in in a panic situation because we, coming off six weeks on the road left bingo to do all the seating for the locals which is a great thing of when you do shows here at the fun house they're secret and invite only so we get to pick the audience all right neighbor dave's a good laugher andrew's a

good laugh so yeah it's we choose you motherfucker i say i'm mike d stefano's old it's like this is a different kind of show i boo you yeah you flip the script you it's like the harvey's comedy club where it's just every fucking buddy that answered the phone filled out a comment card the week before thinks they won tickets that's the audience these people that got here they've got the golden ticket yeah yeah there's no fucking tickets they've been vetted over a course of years to be a good audience there's no fucking no well there were a couple that went haywire floyd brought his gal that was a little pickled and she kept she was sitting right by the light switches i kept turning them off and on i was a little pickled and she kept she was sitting right by the light switches turning them off and on i was a little concerned when i saw the high plains drifter sitting front

and center in the uh oh yeah show yeah yeah that was uh clint eastwood that's your fault we'll talk about this off the air but i didn't know it was halloween so early well it is weird to have a tall guy go to a show that you know is going to be filmed, and he wears a tall hat. But he was not vetted. He was a plus one. We're on the air with you.

We've got Andy Andrus, Olivia Grace, Javelina, who you know from the podcast, Greg Chaley, and then the flunky and dong in the back. Who? Maybe we get them up at some point because this did this we came off six weeks of the road

Andy Jesus Christ sorry he's back to his old habits yeah this is not your podcast the funnier one I just seeing this side of it please put all dangly jewelry and tinfoil away andy is broadcasting yeah we came off six six weeks of the road to tape this special so we all get in just before the crew like no one's talking to anyone no one one's communicating. Angle that up a little bit.

Yeah, I got it. Thank you. No one's, oh, I haven't heard from Andy in weeks. Well, neither have I. Who's getting in when? Who's staying where? What the fuck?

Budget? Budget? Yeah, there was that too. Now would be a good time for you to thank everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Greg. Yeah. So, yeah yeah i got a call from paul provenza like just yelling at me like what the fuck andy what another typical shit shit show or something he said you know and it's like you you've been

sitting on uh films and clips of me for the last five years you've been watching me in your room eight years we did the math last night. Eight years. He knows me better than anyone, and then he's surprised I left out some details. I didn't know that. Like, fuck, dude. Go back to your fucking clipping room

and play back anything. I make, you know, I don't do math. Paul was very funny in saying things like, well, Andy, he should, like should remember these bits in an order. This is not what Andy does. Yeah, it was funny because Paul was grilling me a little bit. What's your first three plays? I was going to get a punt on first down

and then do a squib kick if I get the ball back. Is that the same thing? You know, I don't know. If I get the ball back. I'm just a team player. Whatever you need. And then Doug was like, don't let him get in your head. It was like the Charlie Sheenan platoon.

Stuck between the middle of two sergeants or what was it anyway i get the reference but it fucking worked out like as once as soon as everyone was here in town where they could talk to each other face to face then it wasn't my problem i all i had to do was get asses in seats and host which bingo did most of the prelims on asses in seats. She did a great job. She did. She did a fantastic job. And then Andy's 10 other people.

Junior Stopka, how did you not tell me fucking Junior Stopka drove a 2,000 Honda with 300,000 miles with duct tape, color coordinated to the rust all the way out. Well, it's like hearing a missile or a meteorite headed for Earth. You don't expect it to actually arrive. But you know. I gave him a sticker for his car and a couple of CDs he can listen to if he's doing any repairs. He said, well, he just, Junior just left and he goes, well, hopefully I'll see you again soon.

Maybe when it's not so busy. And I said, yeah, probably when your car breaks down at the fucking corner store and you walk back up in five minutes. Who leaves to go to Chicago from Bisbee at 5 p.m.? I'll tell you who. Someone who just heard we're about to do a podcast. Do you want to be on it? I got to go. I think we're hitting the road, guys.

Wait, I hear Maggie. Maggie. Hey, Maggie. Yeah, Junior is fucking great and uh then we played basketball that's how like some people do you know put their notes out and get i went and shot guns and i blew up a pig i would uh i don't i can't think of the explosive but i not a real pig no ceramic it was a ceramic pig ceramic pig. And then I went and played basketball. Keep it there. It was a ceramic pig that came out with Junior.

Yeah, Junior drove a... He was integral in making... Right, right. Like I said, you know, I thought, you know, what if Junior showed up? Well, could you bring that pig I bought at that garage sale? I saw it. We were driving back from a gig in illinois and i like double back junior i saw a pig back there i think i might want to get and he's like okay

let me back up for the for the listener andy has been working with paul prevenza from you know the green room uh on a documentary about it started but it's going in a different direction so i won't obfuscate that but also he's uh producing your special here that we filmed he be my bottom bitch so so the blowing shit up is like b-roll like set up for the special or if your special sucked which which it didn't, they could just use that in the documentary. It's two projects in one. Well, like I said, I don't know much about budgets or anything,

but I thought, well, shit, how much would it get a bunch of bullets and some explosives? When Joby's in town, pretty easy to get. And Chad. Chad was a wrangler on Doug's project that we did. And I was very impressed with what he did. I mean, that is scary. To go out with bingo and guns and watermelons.

Well, I heard, who told me when you get back from shooting, meaning blowing shit up out in the desert, actual gun shooting, someone, was it you that told me this castle someone uh chad pulled out because they're they're put out empty shells from the shooting on the table for some reason and and chad pulled out a bullet and he goes this is my suicide bullet like he carries it with him and then like 45 butife. But then Joby responds in kind, pulls a bullet out of his pocket. This is my suicide bullet. Do you guys smell something burning that's not a cigarette? I did.

My nose has been jammed up since after the show. Oh, yeah. There was a lot of amphetamine going around last night. That's what I heard, too. I asked about. I did a full investigation. I stole a joint from Andy this morning from someone else. Andy had left his.

Because, you know, Andy's renowned for stealing your drugs. I don't just put them in my safe. I move my safe to a different house when Andy's here. Now he's got a safe house for that safe. When one of the stragglers was like, is there any weed left? You had just rolled a bunch of fucking joints. So I stole one, but I replaced it with Adderall. You can't even call that.

That's what I do, too i when i would go get i don't do that you replace it with diverticulitis no no no no i need that but i get mints i get out you know i buy a lot of mints that's not the same andy well i know his was a drug with a drug replaced a drug. Sometimes a squirrel will even not on your porch. It's not maybe a fair exchange for shitting on it or whatever, but, you know, I tried. No, no. All over the place.

Yeah, well, it was a mint. Yeah, that wasn't stealing. I wouldn't consider it. That's just trade. I was trying to prompt you to do that. It's like the Indians who traded beads for Manhattan. Where is that? Andy O. Jesus Christ. I was trying to It's like the Indians who traded beads for Manhattan I am kind of curious about the trade I had With a guy, what was his name

He called himself Lizard And I met him at Belknap Springs I was going to soak up there and then drive home It's a McKenzie trail And this guy's drying up his shit And he goes, hey hey you smoking weed and i go yeah and and he goes hey d i got some lsd if you wanted to trade me some weed and i'm all right you know i mean i wasn't out bartering or whatever i didn't uh you know out garage sale

but this guy lizard come up to me so i gave him four joints and he gave me two hits of lsd they're very tiny and he you know they it's's like when you run into a guy, he says he was in the Wu-Tang Clan and he sells you a CD. This guy says, this acid is from a Grateful Dead concert. I don't know. I'm kind of anxious to see if he would rip me off.

This is exactly what Andy didn't do filming his special. You made it all make sense on the special. Save it for the podcast. Oh, my God. The second night, Junior opened the first night, destroyed, doesn't remember the end of his set because he was having fun.

And then Andy went up, did well. Second night, Christine Levine went up and just fucking took it down. And thank God we're doing intermissions in between. And then Andy went up and blew the doors off even fucking harder. I've never fucking laughed so hard at you. A lot of people who've seen you a lot of times, that's the best I've seen Andy do.

The only time I've heard Andy do better, and we've been on tour with Andy, I've known him for years, is his edited CD. See, only time it's been... You know your downfalls. But honestly, last night,

you did exactly what all of us knew you were capable of. I have to tell you that. I was very proud of you i told paul i was like i felt like i just watched my kid graduate from college he goes tell andy and i go it is a good thing because we all know you're capable of doing that you just need to put that time in and that focus oh i have a i always have a good 10 minute show and a 30 minute set it's just not all at the same time but you you jump off stage at eight and go, shoot, I thought you gave me the light.

I'm very light sensitive. You were really, you were so great last night. Castles and I were just fucking consistently making awestruck eye contact. Where the fuck is that? I know that's not part of your bit. You're just pulling fucking pell grant references and all sorts of yeah i used myself a couple times and that usually

doesn't happen i was like oh that came out of fucking nowhere the best feeling in the world uh it continued on i'm just gonna get this out of the way because you might have to leave. But afterwards, everyone was still hyped. So we did open mic against your will. Everyone hanging out in the fun house. Whoever didn't go on stage, Olivia Grace, for every conceivable reason, did not want to do, after six weeks, any more fucking comedy. You went up and destroyed. And then everyone everyone even audience members

against your will yeah it's open mic against your will so we got some comics and then kenny he's a completely different subset from comedians or entertainment you need to explain that i'm that's what i'm doing these people would go up and then you point out anyone else in the audience, and no, you go up. Even if you just go up and say, hi, my name is this, and then you point at someone else until someone goes up.

Olivia fucking destroyed it with a bit. I don't know if you did it ever on the road. What was your opening line? Do you remember? Oh, I was talking to castles and uh he was on his way out the door and i was trying to riff with him and then i just couldn't think of anything and they said out loud it was because i realized i find him unlikable i was just about to say how much i don't like chris castles

because he went up later and then he sang a song that he must have just invented but maybe not about why doesn't anyone like me she's riffing some song it was all perfect and then javelina here i go you're going up and she's like no and uh because she's down here working she does legal shit for good causes do you want to plug your cause uh the florence immigrant and refugee rights project www.firp.org um flow pro um yeah and with the addition now i don't know if you've posted any pictures but now doug has a house behind his house yeah it's basically a separate if you've posted any pictures, but now Doug has a house behind his house. Yeah, it's basically a separate,

if you wanted it to be an Airbnb separate in-law thing. It's almost like someone planned it that way. It's like you see that new wing and you wonder, where is the safe in this thing? Hey, Shaley, I don't see any medicine cabinets. Did you guys forget to, is there something? is there something so there's no medicine cabinets where did you hide those son of a bitch they're inside the safe it's like they designed a house to andy proof to house or something and i will have house in the future so well no i just get into this she where havelina

havelina where she's working on her legal shit in the separate area the quiet area she can see the security camera so she would sneak out when she saw someone go on stage and then at the end i say you're going up and she's like no i'm not and then i see her after fucking days of fucking logging fucking what are you briefs and shit thousands of pages of work yeah work yeah we don't do that slow down about what writing things down is like yeah you do it with your mind too we've been busting her balls to do stand-up for a while and while she's saying no i'm not going up she's scrolling through her phone she has months of fucking comedy fucking notes that yeah what are you gonna do with them i'll take her she went up on stage and fucking killed

hey you're not using them yeah i could I could use them for a good thing. Well, you're also bipolar, so you can take about half of it. You did three bits that were all repeatable in the morning and then got the fuck off, which a lot of people don't know how to do. Castle Rock, Kenny. There's a thing. There's a saying in law.

Not a saying, but a trick um which is don't ask one too many questions when you think you've basically shown what you wanted to show stop just short of that last question because that last question can fuck you we call it leave them wanting more yeah in this remember jay kershner dropping that joke and in our hearing and then just dead air oh my god yeah yeah it wasn't an open mic at the fun house that was a courtroom so but yeah you've you is that kind of like don't ask a question you don't know the answer to it's well another kind of well that absolutely that's a huge. And that's especially because there's direct where you examine your client.

And then there's cross where you're trying to poke holes in their witnesses. I know what you're talking about. I follow. No, you got it. But yeah. Sorry, Chris Castles is giving me direction from the end. Ask a question.

What? We'll do Q&A at the end. It's crazy because I feel like when i watch like court shows or whatever i'm always like why didn't the lawyer ask more questions but is that purposeful they're not they're like trying to cut themselves off well i'm just curious a lot of times i mean you don't know what people are going to say especially depending on the person you also she works with mentally ill immigrants yeah but i'm trying to talk like i'm trying to talk like the average person or the average case.

You also don't want to open certain things up, right? So there could be something that's good for your client, but the larger story isn't great. And the rules are if they can't, the prosecution or whoever's on the other side can't actually bring it up until you open the door. So you don't, you don't want, you can't just get everything out there. So it, would you drop a joke about how the dolphin season's going in the middle of a client's life?

That's what I'm going to ask you for one, but you have told me some smart fucky things you've said that are brilliant in court and not at open mic. Well, I think, and I think that's why you and I are such close friends is because we both do stage. I mean, we both try and make people feel things and think about what people, how people are going to react to

things and work backwards. And, you know, I mean, reworking structure and everything. It's psychoanalyzed. Yeah, exactly. And it's also, I mean, there's journaling and there's brief writing and there's songwriting and there's a million things, but, you know, not that I do, you know, songwriting or anything, but stand up is kind of you have i feel like there are these tiny insights that you have in life that you want that you just think are fucking ridiculous that you want to share with people but it's not enough to you know write an essay about or whatever but it's a joke and that's how i don't know you reach a lot of people on a lot of levels and it's inspiring and terrifying at

the same time but it is that's a it's a common question you get what would you do if you weren't a comedian and I always said like all things aside defense lawyer if I didn't have to learn shit but that's what I basically do in my comedy is defense law. How did it feel doing your first? She's a professional now, just like what was her name? Charlene. Charlene. Charlene.

I paid her, so she's now a professional comedian. Thank you very much. We both signed it. I will never spend it hold on a second charlene we put her at the end of a couple podcasts ago yeah she was a bartender that we drunkenly we didn't think she's gonna do it but yeah we told her to drive three hours to come do her first gig at a sold out doug stanhope show and she was like i I don't know if I can. And we were like, come on,

come on. Not like in a bar either. It was like a, it was a funny bone. It was a fucking serious comedy club. yeah. And she fucking went up and she was doing crowd work. She was great.

It's so funny. Yeah. Poop is always funny. Yeah. That's right. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's right.

She, she asked me before she was like, I have this, I, the only thing I can think of is to talk about poop, but do you think that's too much for these me before. She was like, I have this. The only thing I can think of is to talk about poop, but do you think that's too much for these people? And I was like, no. It's right on their level.

And it led you into diarrhea, which I always love. Diarrhea, but I was just thinking of all the things that your crowd has heard from you that she would be scared to talk about poop. I don't know if you did two bits or three. Because I... Three? Oh, I mean, the first one wasn't a bit it was a

premise but one of the jokes you know when you go oh i wish i thought of that joke that's from chris rock or someone yeah not someone's first time on stage i'm a lawyer it's a fucking brilliant joke i wish i had a thought it was really good you were so great last night that i was happy for you and then angry like it was like there's such a complex mix of emotions we don't try lawyer what you said to me afterwards yeah it came so naturally to you that i was mad and happy you can say what i told you i pulled you over the bar and i whispered this in your ear drunkenly she said um if you uh break out and become better at this than me, then I'm never going to talk to you again. No, I said I'd have you killed.

Oh, that one. We all hear what we want to hear. Good clarification. Thanks. Well, I won't. That's a nice compliment. I'm just going to do it on the side. I'm just going to try and, you know.

I was trying to convey without any sort of vulnerability at all that I was so blown away by how naturally it came to you and how naturally you looked on stage. It was so fun to watch. And then a murder threat comes out of that. Sincere place in your heart. People show love in different ways. Yeah, and I show it in ways where it doesn't seem like love at all.

Well, usually when she's on stage, it's fighting for someone's life and freedom. So, yeah, I can't. But people say stand-up is the most terrifying thing ever. A stage is a stage. A microphone is a microphone. But talk about an audience that wants you to fail. The prosecution is, like, looking at you with daggers there's people in the jury

i mean they're judging you the whole time everything you say they're judging every fucking syllable well and it's it's not just that it's that then you know you argue a case at the trial or ij level immigration judge level and i got it and everything is said and recorded but then that's transcribed so then as you go to the higher courts they're relying off of that transcript so you very quickly are just like oh what the fuck do i say when i'm not thinking stand up is easy compared to there's no transcript after this there's just yeah yeah and and with stand-up i thought about that is uh we get to try the same trial over and over for two years until you put it on a special when you get it right yeah guys free it looked like until last night i was uh gonna be found guilty oh my gosh but i don't sorry no i was gonna ask you do you feel

did you feel like it was less pressure here because of that because you knew that like this is already a supportive crowd like well yeah and i turned to chat so chad and i were actually in the back on either side of stanhope um and actually talking physically behind his back. And Chad was saying, you know, he's going to make you go up. You know, he's going to make you go up. And I was like, I'm absolutely not doing it. There's no way. And then Doug called him up, called Chad up.

And he felt a little played. But then no, I called Chad up because I told him, you have to bring her up. I don't think he did. He didn't. He came back and he said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot to bring her.

He was fucking great last night, too. He was amazing. Great stories, tight jokes. Chad had been working on it. I told him, I was like, all right, dude, cut the whole fucking shit about you don't know how to write a joke. All right, just stop that. Don't fucking.

Yeah, because he called Erickson to vet one of the jokes. Erickson's all, that's good. That's good. I'm like, see, dude, you've got the sensibility. Completely. Just him going up on stage last night. He was like, fuck, man. A couple of years ago, that was a shut in.

I didn't know anyone. And now I go, yeah, yeah dude fucking embrace it don't don't fight it you know you're good at this you can tell stories and you can you have a sense of humor so yeah he was stoked last night too yeah it was weird it was so fucking good well it's like i mean it was that good where you woke up that hungover and still felt good it traveled and yeah a night like that reminds you that you know like that saying you feel the love in the room and the support or whatever and it's like you think like fucking comedy the business of comedy is kind of ruined comedy and it's like you know it's no fucking fun to go out and you hear a fucking dull crowd or

some bullshit going on in the room you're like oh great i gotta go out and you know it's like being a substitute teacher in compton it's like i'm gonna deliver this message to these kids and then somebody threatens the murder year or something you're like fuck i hate this fucking shit but everyone's just happy to be here i mean it's not one of those things where people are like am i getting my 40 bucks worth? Am I getting my 60 bucks worth? I'm not saying you guys are funny because alcohol is free, but people are.

But again, these are friends of ours, and we know that they're not going to fuck up. You know there's not going to be hiccups with heckling. The fucking crew was fantastic. We're all in love with serena oh wasn't she great when like this little pixie of a gal goes up timidly to play a song that she had written that day about the blowing up shit in the desert and it was very sweet but then that's when i looked at doug and that's what he loves is when people are out of the comfort zone and get up on stage and do something creative.

And that's why I told you this morning. I go, look, I guess we can still do this. Because last night was fun like it used to be where we would do this on a regular basis. It's been a long time. Yeah. But that was very cathartic to see that happen again because seeing people do something. Seeing the creativity and the thing that people bring to the stage is really that's that's fun that's what i like it was a fucking perfect perfect weekend we have to do it more maybe we

do olivia grace one day i don't know there's a million people we could film specials with that are our people branded yeah let's get shawnee rouse in here hey you dated the podcast i thought we're going evergreen what's that you have to go no okay you want me to no no no no no i uh dong i thought you were on a i thought you were on a time limit. Dong got the most shit of anyone. Dong, we don't know why he's here. What is his name? It's Thai.

It's Thai, but nickname him. Do you know what that means in Vietnamese? Dong is the money. Yeah, that's why I immediately called him Dong. I do a bit about that. It's a 20-minute chunk. i've been out of the loop yeah i've been in my car dong sorry for giving you so much shit i hope you took it well but you did queer andy's a whole headspace like i was saying i don't like being a substitute teacher in compton in the

velveter room that night felt like that and then you just had a show yeah i had a show at the velveta room about two weeks ago and i'm kind of getting my head together to go for this special thing that we did last night and i know ty a little bit and then ty and his brother were there they're like six people there in that room they have a like a thing next door that they try to they bring people in so it was like i was in the rhythm of the six people and then eight cowboys come in or whatever and then they get mad and leave and then eight old lady it was like the worst case scenario kept coming anyway the show it's like if if the grand old opry was next to zany's comedy club that's exactly they're pulling in the grand old opry crowd oh you just had a night that you're basking in the glow of?

How about going in here and hearing what this guy has to say about Jesus right now? And yeah, like, you know, I was like, oh, fuck, man. It's like, not only did it suck, I'm like, I want to fucking bag this whole thing and leave for Mexico. And then Ty waves me over. Wait, wait, no. Stay right there. But Ty, come in and tell him what you told him after Andy's show when he's preparing with limited time to prepare for this show.

You came up and in your accent. Just to get this on record, right? What I told Andy was supposed to be a one-on-one. But he didn't mention that. I thought you would get it being disnonged into the business yeah so and i started off nicely too i was like andy all of your premise are great you build up the anticipation i don't remember that what's the punchline i know how to deliver criticism.

So there you go. Let him get to the point. Then we can get him back over there. My whole intention for that night was for Andy to have a great performance on his special. And I didn't think, from a comedian point of view, I didn't want you to have a cd with no nafta right i was telling you what you were going for so no no i um i anticipated sitting there and counting every punch nine you had what were my aniridics well? Tell him what you said to him. I did.

Here's what he said. Maybe you said that other stuff. I was already... In my own head, I'm like, fuck, I hated this show. I fucking want to get away from it. And then you wave me over and you go, me and my brother watch your whole act and we aneurysm it.

And where are the punch rhymes? Do you want to do that again in your own voice? I thought it was pretty good. But that's okay. But you never said, hey, I'm calling you over here. Let's keep this in confidence. This is just a pep talk from one comedian to another. Hey, man, you ain't got no jokes in there oh fuck man you're right i don't have no laugh

per quota fucking numbers let me call my team this is a thing where when uh even if it's a non-comic that says that to you and i you guess i guess you're a fledgling comic we'll call you that gets into your psyche yeah it's like nothing worse like you go in you're like you know hey you're no hitters going really well keep it up i sound like if i was a comedian which i am i would wish one of my peers would tell me the same thing well did you see me in with the punch lines on saturday i mean yeah the poop is in the pudding and yeah well but here's the thing here's the thing that was a fucking shit experience room with the did you did that go into your analytics on that with you and your brother you you know

run that through the program and go there's six people and then there's the fall breeze that comes in and interrupts this thing and then i wasn't in a good flow and then they go hey your show sucked but uh hey keep it up uh but you know put some jokes in there man i've been noticing that you know i watched it this one time in this one awkward room and i think you need a joke or two so you're just basically saying i was just pissed off i was fucking mad when you said that and then i was like fuck i you know i'd you know you probably know kung fu so i ain't gonna just suck and and i just had to look to chris castles for the reference because dat fan oh that fan if you watch that first season of last comic standing dat fan had analytics of laughs per minute and punch lines where was that your first time seeing andy to think he should have punch lines my first time seeing any perform yeah yeah

maybe it's your fault that's why we choose our audience i had reports on the road when we were in texas about andy at the Velveteer. Well, that was the same. Yeah, that was the same. I don't want to get into this yet because I want to get into it later because that came from white cotton, but that's a whole different topic. This is someone else. They felt like Andy just kind of ditched it

because there were only six people in the audience. No, it wasn't the six people that were there. That was a revolving door of the fucking, you know. Well, yes, but it was definitely where you gave up. Yeah. You know, sometimes you ain't going to win the game. You know, don't don't burn out your stars. You know, good thing you're not a lawyer.

Yeah. So I just put the stars on the bench that night and rested them up. You know, there's going to be a loss. Yeah. You know, these back to back games are a bitch. So I don't book double headers anymore. I don't like, I don't understand how you guys go on tour for weeks at a time.

I really don't, you know, to pack everything up, be in hotels to, you know, get, get yourself riled up for a show, then come down.

I, you know, even three days of high distress because of a trial knocks you out. I don't know how you guys do weeks. I really don't. I hated it. Yeah, the long run. Did you hate it? No.

The long run is the longer, like after three, four weeks that you start, you know, well, two weeks you hit a physical wall. You should have, perhaps, maybe you have trials with a drink minimum. At least a cover charge. I mean, get a better class of people in there. We had a bond hearing scheduled, meaning to see if uh the judge would let our client out of detention he's in the middle of the desert ice detention and the dhs attorney

came in and he was like i mean we weren't feeling bad about it which is the same as feeling good in that world i understand that i'm terrified, so this is a good day. Exactly. Got it. And we walked in, and the DHS attorney was just like, I can't today. I just can't. Male.

Straight white male. Terrible haircut. But he said that he just couldn't do it that day because he had had an accident over the weekend and he had been prescribed painkillers and could not argue the hearing while he was high on painkillers. That's illegal, right?

Yeah, you can't make that argument in a comedy club. I hurt my arm earlier and I was just doing due diligence. If the other attorney, if they found out that he was on painkillers, couldn't they make some kind of a stink to the judge about that? I don't think he was handling anything super

special. I think that is, you know, I think you could. Being a pussy. Exactly. I mean, my whole thing was just that we could even the score. He could give me a couple of whatever he took, or I could go get high, and then we could come back and have the bond hearing that day instead of having to delay it.

What a wonderful system we've built here. We did not have the hearing high. That was not actually an option. So if you could make the same money doing stand-up comedy with your skill level right now if you were given the choice of going back to what is fucking killing you at 30 years old you cry almost every day about the cases because you're so passionate would you would you ditch that where you're saving lives for saving your own life no i think just having it on the side could give me a couple more years like you feel what does that mean on the side part-time she's she's in the joey chad camp she

just doesn't have a bullet in her pocket. I don't, but my personal opinion, just viewing you from being around here, you do this for other reasons, not for money. No, for sure. I mean, I do hate it if you quit. I mean, the whole thing is that it keeps me alive, right? Is that I have this persistent existential crisis about why am I here and how am I earning it?

And if I kind of the... That's me on tour, by the way. Huh? That's me on tour, by the way. Why am I here and why am I earning it? The kind of tangible example is, right, you set hearings out depending on what court you go to. And that's part of why you want to get these cases out of the immigration courts in the

desert, which are moving quickly. And you want to get these cases out of the immigration courts in the desert, which are moving quickly. And you want to get them to Phoenix where they're being scheduled into 2021. Are they rubber stamping the ones in the. There's there's less accountability. There's much less accountability. And they're back. They're more backlogged in Phoenix. And it'll all change as they bring in new IJs.

But, you know, they're as long as I'm. I sit there and I don't know what hearings I'm going to be around for if it's past 2020. And the idea is to have hearings that, or this has been my solution, I guess, is to have a hearing coming up that I feel like only I can try and that I have to be around for that hearing specifically. But what's up? No, I was going to say, because we share emails about when we change lives.

All right. No, no, no, no, no. I just made a mark. No, all of us comics. Okay. One. Yeah, no, no. Doug, Doug doug doug back up starting out with we share emails we share emails to comics well and i've shared mine with you where listen your comedy helped me through and i've shown you unbelievable But you're different. Because I write that off.

Your comedy helped me through a bad time. You're actually, there's a guy sitting there in court that might. Yeah, but it's the same thing for you. I mean, there's a guy sitting there. There's a guy sitting there with a bullet in his pocket. And then he says, oh, I know a bit on YouTube that I fucking like of Doug Stan hopes. And he watches it and maybe he doesn't kill himself. And then you get that email.

And that is the same. Those are the same stakes, but you're just not Olivia. Andy, do you dismiss those where people reach out to you and go, Hey, Andy's saving lives. Is that right?

No, Andy does. I'm kidding does i'm kidding no actually i got a lot of those when uh after the florida incident when we went to control the pedophile i got unindated with lots of sad stories i i didn't discount them i just couldn't take it you know i was already broke down so i didn't want to hear everybody's you know horrifying stories and and you know but they you know i But they were inspired by me going to confront my guy. But they're not asking anything of you. They just want to explain it.

Well, yeah, that's what they wanted. They want to connect with your story. Just say that. I guess they want to be, yeah, they want to use me. It's not like you're a lottery winner and they're like, hey, man, can you help me out? Right, and it's like I was just having my own crisis i didn't want to start reading you know a penthouse forum for molestation you know i never thought i'd be writing you but uh something really weird

i never thought it happened to me something my swimsuit area was violated recently and uh but i think this about doug and about you guys is these are people who don't go to anyone else because they don't feel like they can go to anyone else because you talk about the things you talk about they feel like they wouldn't be judged and right beyond that maybe that they would be understood and they you know they want to register they want to be registered and that means something yeah and they didn't say this is one-on-one so please don't talk about this in there but yeah chris castle's here i just want to say i think the main difference that i see is that you're fucking going out of your way to actually sit with people and help them directly whereas the comics are who are usually hedonistic

we're doing it selfishly to express ourselves. And then it's like this bonus that we're helping. It's not that it's not great, but you're actually fucking sitting with people in their lives and helping them through the shit they can't fucking do. And you're spending a lot of time with it. I think there is a distinction not to take the piss out. And I want to shout out.

I really appreciate that. I do. We don't do shout outs. We don't do shout outs. All the social workers and everyone, you you know doing traumatic work right now um in detention out of detention in court and out of court comedy seems to be what are you doing off mic the best jokes no it's like church laugh where there's nothing really funny i said we don't do shout

outs and then andy goes we don't do birthdays and i remember that one guy who went on stage in greensboro before your crowd was like any birthdays in the audience it was just that made me laugh sorry yeah it was stupid shout out to that guy shout out to birthday guy i definitely dismiss people when they have any kind of thing. Comedy doesn't feel that important, you know? It doesn't. But you're uncomfortable around everyone. Yeah, I am.

I have a problem with this. This is a new thing where comics that are now getting shit on for not being fucking politically correct, whatever. Like we're just comics. It's just jokes. Mine aren't mine are fucking serious. Yeah.

And comics. No. Yeah. If you're in that mold of, yeah, I'm serious. I've, I've had bits where I go,

all right, this is maybe I don't have a punchline this is just a serious fucking point that's interesting so you really do think about it in the way of like this is my form of justice like to you it's actually you don't blow yourself up

fuck you I got that guy no I just remembered where I did something meaningful Will Kaufman the comedian as confidence I got that guy. No, I just remembered where I did something meaningful. Will Kaufman, the comedian as confidence man, a study in irony fatigue. We've talked about it on the podcast. It's one of the most important books I've ever read about comedy.

And they fucking, because this is a verified, they re-released it because of us talking about it on where you go, okay, I have to set this in a setting of a joke, but it's serious. But I can always bail out, well, I'm a comedian. And it goes through Benjamin Franklin was, yeah, he was a humorist evidently. But all the way through Hicks and Bruce and... Printer also.

Who? Benjamin Franklin also. Abe Lincoln was a fun guy. But about people who get tired of hiding serious truths beneath humor. Mark Twain. Fucking Twain was, oh my my god the quotes of Twain like when people come up and go

oh you're a comedian tell me a joke and I don't think I have a fucking joke in there I don't have that where are you punch eye not on Friday night

you didn't well on Friday night I was you know I got the back of the room I got the back of the room yeah he's playing to the back of the room it's a callback

he was already on the podcast but I think the point you're trying. Yeah, he's playing to the back of the room. It's a callback. He was already on the podcast. But I think the point you're trying to make is that you really do care about what you're saying. It's important to you on top of it being funny. Is that the point you're trying to say? You're asking him that? No, why? You just witnessed it for six weeks.

No, no. The six weeks is kind of fucking... I get soft material. I had someone come up. Yeah, my wife came, and I told her that you're really dirty, and I had to tell her, you're like 40% less offensive than you usually are.

But that's just... Did they bring that in? That's the day I'm in. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking cotton to, oh, I need more offensive stuff, which i'm actually doing because of that comment what about the guy in nashville at the merch booth that that really was like you could he was serious man he was like i was in like this dark place and your material got me through it and

this guy's like didn't want to get a selfie or anything like that. It was like, I need to tell this guy because I have a chance to. And I ran into him before the show because I thought he was in a shitty seat sitting behind a light. I go, can you see? And then we started chatting and he told me this thing. I'm like, God, man, this is heavy. I would not want my words. I would not want my words to be affecting people like that.

And then when he got to you at the booth i'm like i hope doug appreciates that because it's the merch booth there's no you're just so i'm so sorry to everyone but he just hate the merch he gave that same explanation to me and i thought that this guy is serious about this but this is the wrong place to do it at the merch booth but that's the only opportunity he gets well he didn't ask for a picture so then he's automatically in doug's uh good have you considered putting up a vip package for people to purchase yes we actually actually yeah at length about that but it just seems so cunty to do well you could do it too like that when you know make

a wish foundation you could do spot you know can when Make-A-Wish Foundation, you could do, you know, overcome cancer. Oh, wait, you have to book a whole other room. If Olivia Grace keeps shaving her head, we could say, I'm sorry, Olivia Grace is a Make-A-Wish chemo patient. We only do one a night. One a night, sorry. Here's a quick hi and hello, but I have this gangly child. What do they call you?

The Lummox. The Lummox. You just have a gangly. No, I get it. Yeah, I got a goofy looking walk. I know. We were talking about doing a VIP for Doug, but we would sell the tickets,

and then we'd set them up in an area where we brought in a big dumpster and a bunch of trash on the ground and no snacks, and no ice, but just warm vodka, and go, hey, guys, that's what we get.

We bring our own ice, man. own ice man you didn't bring ice you should have read the fine print and then the next time you offer a vip vip package yeah because those people are the fucking dumpster level i want to upgrade and that's just a fucking little bit better they got snacks or whatever yeah yeah we're at an hour 51 minutes that's an hour well I don't know can you give a shout out to whatever fan sent

you the oh she took it this stupid fucking thing it's not stupid fucking thing no no no I said that up wrong the the thing that lights up you guys were all blowing up shit it's a it's a glitter clay mold of doug where is it and it lights up they wired it completely with christmas lights and one set is blinking and

it's standalone you don't plug it in anywhere and it's just the most beautiful arts and crafts like the amount of time the guy spent oh my god and then he wrote in the thing sorry i made up for the big buck teeth i put on your it's me on a stage is it like a rubber statue of me on a stage picture or you post a picture or something? Yeah, I will. If I ever get back to fucking normal life. And he said, I made up for a picture. You talk. I have no idea what you want me.

Is this the thing that I... No, he said, I made buck teeth on... Oh, to make up for... Okay, so he put buck teeth in his mouth. And then he put a big, giant 70s dong in my pants. There's a... I was going to say wedge, but it's bulge. Creative license.

I mean, come on. That's up to the pantsuits. Well, the teeth are accurate. Probably has to add 10 pounds. We have so many thank yous to give after six weeks on the road and then another weekend of this. I just threw shit in different corners. Thank you for all the boxes of shit. Jordan Zivon, Warren Zivon's son.

boxes of shit jordan zeevon warren zeevon's son and we we we've been in contact since myspace days randomly just every year or two or something he's a fan he reached out to you because he's a fan and i'm a fan of warren zeevon that's if you ask me what kind of music I like, usually I say I don't like music. But if you press me, I go Warren Zevon is the number one. Shit's fucked up or? My shit's fucked up. You want me to fucking start singing all of them? No, no, no, no. Because we don't want to pay for that.

Go ahead. Yeah, he sent me one of Warren Zevon's original amps. It's fucking. So cool. It's a uh tube amp this is for little mikey it's a tube amp holiday where you probably bought it from like montgomery wars or sears back then it's fucking kick-ass and i'm afraid to turn it on uh but i talked to shawnee well no listen we're just decompressing from all this shit. It's beautiful. It's old. It's got a leather fucking strap.

It's where the handle, when they used to do stuff. Nice. Someone sent me some, well, all of us, some weird shit. Someone sent Chad money and then there's boxes.

And I, I'm not going to be able to process this after all this shit. But Javelina, there's one of those things in your bag. Thank you for everyone coming out to the tour. And Doug, explain what happens next. Because we go to Houston. We go to Florida next. But we go to Houston.

We go to Austin. And they're like, I drove because I didn't think you were going to Dallas. Explain what happens. Because people don't understand. You blow through those two cities and they think you're never coming back on this. Yeah. I'll get to the. Honestly.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm working out the set until we bring it to a market where there's more money. Basic fucking business skills. Business, man. Well, you gotta start somewhere. You gotta build the material. I'm not going to fucking Carnegie Hall

with my fucking open mic set. You mind if I put my notebook down here? Just tape it to the stool, man. Biggest problem is fucking drinking and being honest. All right. I wanted to thank the people that contributed to the Indiegogo

to cover my fumble and pick up the, you know, we paid the great crew. What's Indiegogo? Is that it? I don't know. It's like some fun fucking thing. I don't know. I didn't put it together. Shout out to Mumbai.

Happy birthday. But a lot of people contributed and it helped make it happen a little smoother than it would have if they hadn't and it worked out fucking pretty good. Greenway Manor put us, all the crew up Greenway Manor here

in Bisbee, Arizona. Airbnb. Google it. I don't know how you find this shit. If there's a link, it'll be in the show notes too many people to thank for this weekend and no Chris Castles but

dong dong you made this whole thing work and I play a song I am gonna redo this I'm gonna do another taping at some point and it's gonna be uh with and the newest analytics i've got a team up and i'm gonna have numbers and i'm gonna have joke per minute ratios and people are gonna respond with clapping and laughter why are you punch i let's go to the punch line give me a punch line to close out come on

Let's close with a punchline. Give me a punchline to close out. Come on. Too late. Just a punchline. Let him do a punchline. Do your punchline. I just want to say that this will not be your special. Andy Andrews special will not be edited by Paul Provenza,

so it will come out in a decent time frame. Not eight years. Oh, did you say Dan Schlissel? We'll get to that in a future fucking podcast. Oh, I'm angry. And you're going to know it now. Dan Schlissel. Let's make, wait, wait.

Let's make the Dan Schlissel podcast Patreon because he won't fucking pay for it. Oh, that's true. He's cheaper than his ego. Okay, Vietnamese skullet bingo. Take us out of this. Okay, bye-bye now. Perfect. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី All right.

I'll lead you out with the too soon bit from New Orleans. This is what we're going to do with Patreon. On the road, when you have a bit, it's funny that day, and you're not going to use it again. There's so many times you have some, oh, fuck, yeah, I'm going to do this. Well, this happened in New Orleans. Had no idea what was happening that day. And so here's what will never be heard again. Here's to you, New Orleans.

New Orleans Joe. I want you guys to give it up for your next comedian. You're going to love him because you bought tickets to see him. He wore his reading glasses just for you. Make it nice and loud for Doug Stanhope! I was gonna, I was gonna, I was gonna open with, you've been trying to fucking use that as a closure the whole tour and it never works,

no matter how you sell it. And you said it yourself. That's why I love Olivia Grace. Oh, shit. Chaley wasn't wrong. All right. If it hasn't been said, meet your neighbor right now. Turn to the people you don't know. Middle seats.

You're going to have to piss. Did someone say it? Yeah, but you're in the front. I'm talking about the people clustered in that are going to have to get up for drinks and pissing and smoking if you're desperate. Meet your neighbor. Eventually someone's going to have to do this thing

and it's all good. Don't think I'm going to fuck with you if you get up to piss or drink. We're here as a family. It's a fucking house party. Make yourselves at home. I kind of remember this room, but there was less people in it. I like that it's, but I want you to just feel like you can just move around. I'm not saying talk.

We're driving in here from fucking Hattiesburg. I don't have to say true story at this point in my career, do I? We're pulling... We're driving in where I get sketchy, Chaley's driving because I get panicky in cities and then we saw that fucking place and we've been

coming here so long since Katrina that anything I see that's dilapidated as I just assume is shit you didn't fix because why bother? shit you didn't fix, because why bother? Like, don't mess with Texas. It's their thing. Yours is the opposite. We're just shit on whatever you like, because it's all going to be in the ocean in a year anyway.

Throw your refuse out the window. Who gives a fuck? We're moribund. We ain't going to fucking live. Fucking water world. When I saw New Orleans is still on the map and on my tour schedule, I thought we're playing a boat. But honestly, when we came in this afternoon from Hattiesburg, we pointed that out.

Oh, look at that. That's probably our hotel. It's the fucking Hard Rock. From the freeway. We're joking. I go, Olivia Grace, you got the penthouse suite. I had no idea that just happened. I thought that's some old Katrina shit I didn't remember. And I'm not making light of it. I mean, a guy, a construction worker died in that today. So I'm not making light of that because that man has a family. And every year on the anniversary, And every year on the anniversary, that family is going to have to make a pilgrimage to one of the shittiest corporate franchises that has ever been developed in this country and around the world. Would you like to taste the loaded potato skins? No, we're just here because our child died

building this TGI Fridays. Two first. to first shut up thank you New Orleans drink up you can't take it with you That's a free drink I left for you Good night

Olivia Grace Isaac Cazale And AJ I was gonna fuck with you and make you close this show When I said I might get goofy I was gonna make you close this show AJ, you'll see him coming up here Good night.

I'm in New Orleans, not tonight. Good night.