The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#341: Porn, Poop and the MicroFiber Cry Towel

Episode Date: November 21, 2019

Doug and Chaille talk about finally being back home and some of the details from the last 3 road dates in Florida. The Mitch Hedberg joke is from, Mitch All Together, and if Lynn would answer her phone I would have asked for permission to use it. Buy some Hedberg here - https://www.amazon.com/Mitch-Hedberg/e/B000APW3HI?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1574316830&sr=8-1Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast and have direct access to the podcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded Nov. 19th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Doug's last DVD, “No Place Like Home,” is now available on Amazon Prime - https://amzn.to/35ila3g2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by The ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast with Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille - New episode every Friday and only available on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHhpCYwNEGcS_DA7VjG4DwLINKS -Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast oh shit yeah we're working the bugs out feedback is that a new toy it's the news yeah well it's not a toy. It's a tool. We're doing this instead of the digital recorder. It's got a lot of lights. It's got one really big red light that says record when it's recording. So this is really basically built for you, Doug. Applause. Oh, hold on.

I think I have that in here. No, it'll feed back. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Where to start? I went to the doctor. I've got a bad case of loving you. It was an amazing cough.

This cough you've had since Traverse City in early September. That wet guttural cough. It's the most amazing cough I've ever heard. That's what my doctor said. You really went to the doctor? It's the best cough. Recently? Yeah, but I wanted to start with, I was jerking off to something tepid for me this morning.

Because we have the new edition now, but it's still, there's so many fucking different windows and doors. And you think all the projects are done. And I was jerking off to some fucking place. And then I realized I left the window open right in front of the fucking new office. And there's a fucking painter out there. And I don't know how much English he speaks. And I'm like, thank God it wasn't something like the dark shit you jerk off to at three o'clock in the morning. It was just like some fucking stepsister.

I like to talk. And when they have, yeah, they are still terrible. But I don't know how much English I taught him. But like new words. That's universal. Universal. you know you i jerk off like a therapy now it's like just to like just writing this fucking book you just get into these bad head spaces and all right maybe jerking off will help this and then yeah yeah you then you fucking come on a fucking towel and then.

Well, it's not like you're filling out a bank loan. Maybe this bank loan will help. This is a couple of minutes. Yeah, but if you're a remedy. I kept hearing someone out there working afterwards going, fuck. Like, were they listening right? The window's right there, but we don't have curtains yet. So I have a fucking well first of all in saints fucking microfiber throw rug with thumbtacks over that and i didn't even know the window was

open and he might have been i don't know what he's even painting the cement which is on the lower level it's a quiet neighborhood if he's not not with your windows open, it's not. Yeah, and I enjoy porn that has a lot of fucking talk in it, unfortunately. C-SPAN? Fucking, that's your Rosetta Stone, sir. Yeah, take all that dick. Take all of that dick. Take all of that dick. Yeah, repetition is how you learn.

Do a lingo and that was then that's how the day started i had a fucking lucid dream i sent joe be a fucking very uh well we don't use that word anymore but uh like i I was writing till late in the night, and I'm writing about the fucking core group that we have here. And I was a little emotional, and I sent him an email. Then I texted him. I'm already sorry I sent that email. Then I texted Chad Shank. I texted Joby a really sappy. Thanks. That has two consonants where they belong. Toby, a really, what's a, yeah, sappy.

Thanks. That has two consonants where they belong. As you're, I said, don't let me live it down. And then this morning I woke up, I was lucid dreaming where I, because I woke up, you know, with that, oh, fuck. Yeah, I sent emails I shouldn't have hit send. Sent texts I shouldn't have hit send. And so I was looking through my phone at my emails and my texts, and no one had got back to me.

And I go, maybe I didn't send them at all. And then I realized, oh, my hands are underneath my head in this pillow. I don't get email on my new phone. This is a dream. And it was like, have you had dreams where it's like the most benign, but could be happening in the moment? But you go, this is not really happening. I'm not looking at anything. I have an eye mask on.

So, yeah, I thought. So I woke up thinking, yeah, yeah I never hit send but I did and then and then Chad his text back to me was after my sappy email I sent to Joby about what a shitty friend I've been over the years I just I was like deep in this

fucking in this chapter and anyway he wrote back he said uh check out mishka's fucking instagram he's posting pictures of him shirtless with his new cat over and over so whatever you sent to jobe put it in perspective thank you very much like yeah sometimes you demand a ball busting like all right i'm gonna fuck headspace and yeah i'm being fucking nelly about some stuff and uh and that's why i put that as a pinned tweet because this is crunch time and i have to have the rough draft done by mid-january so i have to write every fucking day and you you have two more on-the-road gigs before that.

Yeah, Hawaii. Hawaii, I'll be able to write. Vegas, I'll force myself because I don't want to gamble. I left when the Impractical Jokers shindig in September. I walked out of that casino with fucking a $5,500 fucking Royal flush on a poker machine. I don't want to gamble a fucking second in Vegas. I want that to be.

Yeah. Yeah. I won. I'd like to think that when you die, you can figure out how much you actually lost or won and where those fucking that set of keys went in that notebook i lost well was there really any good jokes in that notebook or do i still 20 years later fret that that was the reason the gold yeah so let me get this straight uh tracy and i just will be in vegas

as well uh you're saying that you're not going to put down one bet while you're in Vegas? I don't count sports betting. Okay. Because you can't be compulsive with it. Good. All right. That would be my downfall where I look at, all right, where could I fucking just lose everything and wind up in the streets like you see people? And that would be just me drunk and angry at a dealer who's probably Asian.

You roulette, remember? Where you had me kept going up and getting your checkbook up in the room? Oh, fuck. It's like, Tracy, you know what? Let's go down and get breakfast. I'm so glad Doug's obviously been asleep. We go down there because we walked you up and then you went right back down. And now it was like seven or eight in the morning and you'd been there the whole fucking

time. You're like, hey hey go get the checkbook so we're not going to see that in Vegas this time no no yeah you can bet on that yeah and

you have to be honest with your with whether you bet more than sports book yes is that what you're saying you'll be honest if you do place your bet? Oh, yeah. But you know what I'd bet? I'd bet like $10 a game every game. I'm not talking about Sportsbook. You're allowed to Sportsbook.

I'm talking about in Vegas. You're not going to get... You know what? I haven't even looked at what's going on NFL because that should be... I don't know what date New Year's is or what day of the week. New Year's Day is on the first. We get there.

Yeah, but the day of the week. Yeah. Because we were there two days early and I think we're driving. We haven't talked about it. It's a Tuesday, I think. I'm looking it up right now. Hold on. Go ahead and keep.

Well, yeah. What were we talking about? Because you started something else i started with jerking off but you there were two different things i was now back to the jerking off just i i like to solve things do you want me to put a bell around the painter's neck no your neck you're the one that fucking comes in that uh you're the only one I really worry about. I walk heavy on purpose. Well, it's very soundproof over there. Yeah, it's weird when you go, oh, what if my wife catches me jacking off? It's worse if I do.

I think it'd be funnier if you did. Putting my eyes out. What do you got? Hang on. She's on it. Tracy's on it. Tracy, I was going to actually fucking call you today and pay you fucking money to sit here while I write in the funhouse rather than that desk. Because you knit.

Like, I don't have a system. I used to have a system. I asked you today, how are you going to do this? What's your deal? And you're like, well, hey, you know what? I've been drinking. Let's have a system. I asked you today, how are you going to do this? What's your deal? And you're like, well, hey, you know what? I've been drinking. Let's do a podcast. It just is this podcast.

We're doing this podcast. Chaley says, no, I don't want to fuck with you. We can skip a week. I just assumed because you hadn't brought it up that we didn't have, like, we had one in the can. I always think we have, like, 18 fucking un-air podcasts. They're all out. So what is it, Trace? I can have a crochet if you want to.

So 1229 is the last of the regular games. Oh, okay. So that's the day we get there. So there's no football while we're there. We leave on the 2nd if we drive. We'll figure that out. But yeah, I think we should drive for sure. I don't know who's all coming with and how they're getting there,

but Vegas is not my fucking problem. Vegas on New Year's Eve is such a clusterfuck. You're all on your own. There are tickets available. It's at the Plaza. It's not a midnight ring in the New Year show. We'll be done before that. So right now, hotel rooms are at a premium.

So get your tickets and get your hotel rooms. Maybe get your hotel room first. Yeah. Start a hashtag. Yeah. Stand open Vegas. Hashtag stand up in Vegas. You can all get an Airbnb.

Won't you get along fucking fantastically? Just don't be the guy who puts his credit card down for the security deposit. Flora Bama. It's so sickening how that fucking channel poisons minds. It's been going on for years. I know, but it continues to go

on. I don't care. It's not my problem. I know, but it continues to go on. I don't care. It's not my problem. I went to the doctor. That's what I was talking about. I went to the, I've canceled. I canceled once and I go,

am I going to tell her that she's in my act now? I really want to, but no, no, don't do that. No, she'll, she'll, she'll censor everything she says.

Cause she did, whether she wants to be in the act or not. Yeah. So, yeah, this fucking cough that's... You can tell when it's deeper than just smoke or cough. It's been... Well, you can because you've had smoke or cough forever. Yeah.

But, yeah, you can... It's a little gurgle. It was loose. They call it Yeah. But yeah, you can. There's a little gurgle. It was loose. We call it loose. And then you wake up. And again, I know if I just fucking quit for four or five days, it'll go away. But I got antibiotics. And then she said, I'm going to schedule you for a chest X-ray.

You can schedule it where it's at Copper Queen. Yeah. It's in town. you can schedule it where it's at Copper Queen. So it's in town. And, but she put me on antibiotics too, or as you say,

antibiotics. Yeah. So I'll run that course for five days. If it goes away, I told Olivia Grace, God damn it, Olivia Grace. I wish I could tell your fucking story right now she's got a great story i oh you hate when people have a circumstance where you go oh you're

gonna get so much material out of this and i'm fucking jealous and wicked jealous and why the problem is she shouldn't have told you until she was on the podcast because you're you're cracking right now you want to say it so bad. It's really kind of a shame. But we'll get to the bottom of it. She's got a good story coming up. She's in New York till Thanksgiving. But she said, yeah, I guess that's a smart thing to do is see if the antibiotics cure it. Because antibiotics will not cure it if it's lung cancer so yeah you're right so

i'll i'll let this five days ride out see how i feel and uh see how my wind is in the morning do you mean antibiotics won't cure fibromyalgia perhaps maybe it's all stress related there's a lot of fucking stress eat more kale fucking i'm gaining weight back again fucking of that 15 i lost i'm i gained like eight back but a lot of that it's weird how uh uh flying backs you up if you don't hydrate and you fly and i that's the only time i get ravenously hungry. And I ate some Jimmy John's. Not Jimmy John's.

Fuck Jimmy John's. The pot belly. Those sandwiches. Pot belly sandwich. And I have not pooped that much in days. Thanks, pot belly. Yeah. I'm picturing the...

Do you remember me on the plane? They should change it to poop belly. Eating the second half of that when it had been sitting around for like three hours. That's that sandwich? We're across the aisle from each other and he just sits down. People are still loading and he's eating this

greasy fucking sandwich that he started in. It was half eaten. Like, I know this thing either came from the trash or he stashed it from earlier. They run it through the heater thing on a conveyor belt and I had a roast beef

and provolone so all that melted beef and cheese fat was weeping through the I ate the first half in the fucking delta lounge even though you're not supposed to bring outside food yeah don't bring your shitty fucking poop belly sandwich in here

because they make fresh food with fresh cookies and anything you want to drink, and it's all included, and Doug's smuggling in a poop belly fucking sausage oil sandwich. It was, yeah, so the second half, I knew that I would want to eat immediately when I got on the plane. And I did. And I sit next to someone who. Me.

No, I was across the aisle from you. Yeah. But I could see you staring at me. I knew. The smell. Someone is going to be grossed out by this. And I saw you in my periphery going, ugh. I remember a tomato hanging out wilted and almost falling

into my lap. It was like a street taco tortilla that was falling apart as you pick it up. It was all just like crumbling decay. If you ever remember the movie Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd and he sneaks into the company Christmas party and he steals

a side of salmon. It's just a whole thing. And then later on he's on a city bus eating it with his fake Santa beard in the fucking meat. Just gnawing on the salmon. That was you. That was me. And I didn't care.

But I didn't... Hold on a second. The soda's flat. It's from last night. That's not from last night. But soda's flat. It's from last night. That's not from last night. It's flat. It's flat because it's from today. Okay. Day drinking with Joby.

I just would like a scotch and soda, please. Sorry. Go ahead, Doug. She's new. Then I ate a fucking pot belly when I got to Tucson. I stayed an extra day. And I go, that's like three halves of a giant fucking sandwich. I have

not pooped any of. There's a lot of fucking poop that was so, when I say I gained eight pounds. You're not pooping at all? No, I'm pooping, but you're not fucking whole hoagies. Did you get a, well, did you eat it whole? Did you swallow it whole?

Like an ostrich eats an orange? But I'm saying this is days later. I go, no, I have not. I know what I ate and I know how little I've pooped. So when I say I gained eight pounds, that's eight pounds of fucking impacted bowel poop. I was going to say, you usually need like an indicator vegetable like corn or something or asparagus to know when something's passed through. The peat. Yeah. I've been back on the smoothies i did not oh beets is good yeah that's a good one yeah but i don't know how we need some kind of uh i was gonna say gynecologist analcologist i don't know

finish your sentence why do we need them for well a tracer food like corn is good but beats does the fucking beat because i shit beat blood so much quicker than poop could possibly go through well you're not a scientist we need a doctor steve well you just went to a doctor aren't these questions for your doctor not a real doctor is this's not a real doctor. Is this the one from your... Oh, this is the one from the act. Yeah, this is the one from the act. That's so funny. I know, it's fucking good.

Oh, my God. I got to get back up to Tucson and keep doing open mics. I have to get some kind of regimen with the writing where I was thinking of shit. Like, now the act is progressing, and I was thinking like, oh, I can do that with the fucking this bit. But we don't have shows. And, yeah, so I should go up to Tucson and do open mics, like, once a week. I could book one here in the fun house. We could.

But, yeah, I was trying to figure out how to do a secret show when I stayed an extra night in Tucson where I could do a secret show, but nobody I know. Like, I wouldn't want fucking Bisbee people coming up. And oh, yeah, we're going to road trip up. And now Floyd is there. And yeah, I want to do a secret show. And I'm not famous enough. Like I had it plotted out, but I go, what if nobody shows up for this? Like, what if the club has their own mailing list, but their mailing list doesn't give a fuck?

They're not good at it. Yeah. And then nobody's there. And I schedule a show on a night they don't have a show. There's a way to do it. I couldn't figure it out. First of all, you don't talk about Fight Club on the Fight Club

podcast. Doesn't make any sense. We could totally do it. We could totally do it. That's an offline talk, but we could totally do something, whether it's there or you want to do it somewhere else. It's not hard because they just don't advertise.

You get onto a show that either is already established and you bump who's ever locally. I wanted to do a full set. I know. Yeah, because when I do go up there, I just, what haven't they heard? But yeah, I wanted to do coming out of Florida. Fuck it, yeah, I'll do it.

You got some shit right now that I'm like, wow, man, I don't know if that's going to last some of the topics till Hawaii, which is less than a month away. Yeah. I am going down so many paths like you

where you go, oh, can't say that. Can't say that. Well, I was hoping we would get more of the clips that we've been playing at the end of the podcast. We did two of them

from the last tour and there's nothing we could really do from the last three days that we did in florida because most of the stuff was just stuff you were hyper like aware of like the things you got to get through you had you had two hour show ready and you had a an hour and 20 minutes to do it in so you were So you were trying to jam things in there. You were pissed when people were derailing the show more than usual. Usually you'd fuck with them or you'd get somewhere on it. But you had a fucking mission. Come on, man.

I got this much left on the list and you're derailing this motherfucker right now? It is a problem with the audience where after like an hour we're doing comedy clubs and after an hour, hour ten then people get chirpy and like I'm fucking working shit out here. And checks

dropped and you're aware of that and you're like how much longer are they going to sit here? So yeah. But I really enjoyed like after that first night we were off from, like, October 18th till November 11th. Yeah. So, in that amount of time, I had to sit for, like, seven fucking hours. I sat in a goddamn whatever Hampton Inn fucking closed breakfast bar in the lobby.

and in a closed breakfast bar in the lobby. So I was close to the exit to, you know, go, just go listen to the last good sets, New Orleans and, and write it out, beat it out. Cause my fucking memory is a fog and I, but I felt strong for two days. And then the third night, Tampa, which was oversold and allegedly, uh allegedly uh oh maybe we can do the go ahead we haven't talked about this the fucking guy maybe we could play that bit johnny nasa johnny nasa yeah it's not his name in orlando so okay hold on we're back up. We had three dates. We flew out. We had West Palm Beach, Orlando, Tampa, and that was it. But we were doing the three, and you were basically just coming in, and you beat out your entire set, and you're, like, ready to go,

and you're really focused on doing this stuff. I was fucking jacked. So, the West Palm was great, and then we get to Orlando, and it's a packed house. It's bigger of the three rooms. It wasn't a bad show, but they had open mic running in like some... It's the way the bar is set up. There's a bar with a stage and it's a restaurant called Big Fish Blue or something. And it's a little confusing, but then that room is attached by a hallway to the showroom to the improv.

So people will load in like on one wall of that room to get into the improv, which they're led in, which is improv is seated, right? So they get everyone in there. So right when you go on, some dude and his buddies show up for my show that paid whatever the fucking- Through the side door, which I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, you got to go through this door here

and the hostess will seat you. They bring this fucking guy and his buddies to the fucking open mic they sit through the entire open mic that ran the entire time your entire show is going on yeah and and they is asking the host doug stanhope's going up at some point right as the show is ending no he came up to me at the merch booth and said, hey, when's Stanhope going on? I don't know if the emcee was fucking with the guy or if this really happened. He had to have asked.

But the emcee said, yeah, I'm Doug Stanhope. Oh, really? I don't know if he was kidding about saying it or if he said it to the guy kiddingly but uh yeah that guy spent like 150 bucks for him and his friends to sit through a fucking open mic in orlando with no doug stanhope whatsoever so you did due diligence found out the guy's info got his info because uh i was like oh fuck tomorrow night's the last night and it's tamp. And it's completely sold out. It was oversold, actually. So even the manager from Orlando was calling Tampa.

And I go, hang up the phone. I'll tell you right now. Can't do it. Cannot do it. And then Johnny Nassau, when I finally got a call back from him, because you tried calling him. I was texting him. Hey, give me a call.

Give me a call. He's probably got a phone like yours that goes the voicemail you've called has not been set up so he sets so so he goes look i'm coming out there anyway i go you come out here and i'll put you in the bar where we sell merch in tampa ybor city it's a big there's plenty of things to do he goes let's give a shout out to La France. We didn't. Well, you scored a New Year's Eve jacket there. One of our favorite vintage clothes. Stopped there for the past 15 years.

We've always stopped there. Yep. So I tell him, look, if you're going to come out here, I can't stop you. But I can't guarantee you like getting into the show because I have no idea until I get there. I don't know what's going to happen. And so we're coming out anyway. All right.

So he comes out. I go, fuck. We put him on the top rail there's a third level up there so we brought him in and that's that's basically how he got into the show that night yeah that top rail was fucking completely open yeah and uh yeah we get to chat in the grain room and take pictures and shit. But right when he walked in, they were setting up for another open mic in the front bar at the next show in Tampa. Oh, poor fuck. But yeah, I know he's great. Let's take a quick break and plug some shit that you're,

you're going to love it. Yeah. No nervous breakdown, no panic attacks this week. Sounds good. Yeah. It's better than crying at the airport. At least I,

if I would have known what was, when I was crying at the airport, what was to come, I wouldn't have stopped crying that changing table would be a water fountain dripping down to the floor hey everybody it's me brett erickson, from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday. Issues with Andy on YouTube. Yeah, it's not a podcast, right?

Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka. Oh, shit. I was drinking cola. I fucked up. And the V could also stand for video because it's a video podcast.

That's it. Oh, shit. As always, I'm right and Chad Shank is writer. Or more right to be correctly incorrect or something. if you love the shit you're getting here on the doug stanhope podcast get more shit with us on issues with andy on youtube every friday and yeah well you keep listening and watching or however you do it and we'll keep shitting

we'll keep shitting content. And not shit. We'll polish it up and call it a turd. You can shit on it if you hate it. But yeah, thanks for watching. And shit. Alright, thanks guys. What date do you think I should fly to? The microphone, Andy.

The microphone. Which date do you think I should fly to? Alright, we're back. the microphone. All right, we're back. There was another weird thing that happened in Orlando. Oh, the EMTs had to extract a gal from the bathroom. Was that Orlando or West Palm?

That was Orlando. It seemed like a live PD. I remember I could see her from the stage, and she was a mousy little girl with glasses, and she did the snapping thing. It's Occupy Wall Street. What? Javelina does it all the time,

where she snaps her fingers instead of applauding, like when she's listening to a podcast or something yeah snapping her that's dumb it's a thing it's they're fucking kids what do we know vaping's a thing so she i remember her doing that she seemed very alert and was it the one who oh my god that girl yes oh my god i so bad. There were so many people working on her. Yeah, she was evidently while we're selling merch, she's in the ladies' toilet, fucking curled up in a ball fetal in a stall. And they called EMTs and they drug her out on a fucking giant gurney. And I'm like, someone, I'm selling merch.

Someone take a picture. Yeah, it's one of those things. Put a bag over her face. Keep your fucking phone away during the show unless some weird shit happens. Like, no one's taking pictures. So, yeah. They had her in the gurney, and it wasn't flat with a sheet over her face or anything. She was sitting up, but her head was, like, if someone sat you up while you were unconscious like your chin would touch your chest right yeah

but what they had done is they tied your chin would touch your other chin they tied a plastic bag that like like she was a bank robber like it went over her the bridge of her nose and it just i don't know why they did it but i'm like oh my god it's not moving so there's no like puffing in and out with breaths but i think they did it for vomit so it may have been weighted below or something she evidently told one of the emts look at how small i am i just drank too much but uh someone was yelling at her in the bathroom and that's what alerted people she was like passing passing out or getting to that and someone was yelling at her like a quote-unquote friend and then that's when the manager got involved he goes hey you're not helping here get the fuck out and that the manager stayed with her

until the manager walked out with her she was awesome she's also the one who was making a call to get johnny nasa tickets the next night. They worked overtime on that night. I appreciate it. Yeah, it was great staff. Great. Yeah. I had no complaints from that. And that was a great tour.

Two and a half weeks off, three days on. I'm not thoroughly exhausted until night three. Tampa, I fucking had high hopes for, but both Olivia and I felt like the crowd sucked. Why do you say that? I don't know if it's the fucking acoustics or perception to the first two shows were great. Different room.

Totally different room. But it was weird that after the show, I felt like it was kind of fucking dull and forced. But after the show, there were so many people. Sometimes you think people are more into meeting you than actually listening to you. They bought tickets. Yeah, I know. That show... Listen, this is the thing with Tampa, okay? That theater was built

in like the early 1900s, right? So this is a fucking theater that's vertical. What? No, in the green room on the third level. Yeah. It's two-story, but it's a three-story theater. You have to take an elevator to the second level and then walk up the stairs to the third level to get behind the row that's looking down at your bald spot.

Basically, it's a funnel. And and then I'm trying to play with my neck craning. By the way, I applaud you for looking up every once in a while and playing because you are very. You can't see them. I know. But you're aware of them. You are aware of the room, in that when I told Olivia, hey, did you,

how was that third level? And she goes, you don't even look up there, kind of thing. So it is one of those things where it is an odd thing to look up, knowing you're not going to see anyone's face or a smile.

You're just going to see bright lights. But they're going to think you're making eye contact and they'll shut the fuck up. Good job. Titty dancers. It was the second level. I contact occasionally and make everyone feel like,

Oh, he just looked at me for that joke. And then fucking VIP room champagne. Uh, he's talking about the room yeah it's just a weird thing where just having the shitty self esteem all the time and

taking for granted yeah you do mean a lot to people like it is they don't pay that realization and come out on a weeknight that they don't usually afford. Yeah, yeah, it means something. It conflicts with your own personal I'm a fucking piece of shit. Like the fucking fans that showed up yesterday.

Again, I hate the word, but yeah, now I'm focused on the book. I have to do this. Fuck a painter. If I'm jerking off, just let it ride. Get to the book. And fans came in to the fucking compound or whatever we call it, the safe house. They came in through the door, and that's where the office is, is right at the door. So I'm looking at the security camera where I would have a better view just looking out

the fucking window. Yeah. If I didn't have a Cardinals microfiber throw rug on that window, I would have seen them come in. But when you're writing, it's a cliche a cliche but it's true you find every excuse not to write so i just walked out and went hey come on in and uh what's her name it's uh it's on that uh post-it she left me twenty dollars i'm gonna actually call her stacy and uncle jeff yeah and Stacy and Uncle Jeff and when I walked out the fucking secret door I go hey how's it going

and she goes I have morphine or something you need morphine I have morphine and I'm like this is she quoted your book she tried to do the mother thing I have no idea what she's talking about but I was so glad to be

distracted from my lack of work I said come on in and i showed him through the house to the fun house and can i make you a drink and this is a fucking andrew nelson did this to me i don't i andrew uh handyman andrew around works around here all right i got a work on the book and then just like she did like you're digging up mother just a I got to work on the book. And then just like she did, like, you're digging up Mother just a bit. She hasn't read the book, but help me through my father's death from cancer. Where you go, all right, I was just going to do the one obligatory drink for a fan. All right, it's going to be two drinks. But it made me feel, we were just talking about this earlier.

I cried afterwards. Like when you get Threadbare working on this shit. Like, all right, yeah, I do mean something. Like, yeah, that did make her day. And that made my day because, yeah, I'm aware that, yeah, you mean something to some people. Are you going to cry right now? Yep. It's the cough. Yeah.

Yeah, it's fucking brutal. But you know, it is interesting because what's happening right now is you are going through a very tumultuous year and bringing up things and we all know your memory is shit. So when you bring up something and you put it down to paper and then and then you talk to someone or you bring something else up

he's getting teary-eyed no i'm not i've just noticed i love nine inch nails down in us one of my favorite songs is behind your head when you do that it we i want you to do that i want you to get on that that that trail i want us to call it trail of tears, but it's already been one. I want you to get on this trail where you're like, oh, you remember these things. And that's why, like, you're like, hey, hey, what happened when I said, fuck you, Becky, at this one time. I had to go. I went looking, searching on. I keep show notes and I go looking for it on the episode to find it because I want to help you to get to that thing where you get to the next thing that that like bridges you to.

And those are the kind of things that helps you with the book is because your memory is so shit, admittedly, that you need these little refreshers and stuff like that. The book is about, I don't't know i don't think we've ever gone into it you've talked a little bit about but the year of 2016 the end of the world like it started with like the breakup with me and bingo and washed up willie and then just every fucked up thing happened like dominoes and ended with her in a coma and Trump getting elected. Don't give the ending. Trump got elected. Sorry. Spoiler alert. But like there was so much compacted into one year.

And that's what I'm going back to. And like, I'm not even at the fucking darkest parts. And that's where people are going to get fucking weird texts in the middle of the night. But see, you need to do that. Like you sending the email to Joby, even if he doesn't respond to it, you doing it makes you go through what you have to to get to the next step.

Oh my God, the fucking opening line of his email back to me. Like I realized as I read it, but the opening line was like, hey, just because if line was like, Hey, just cause, uh, I, if I was a shitty friend and then I acknowledge it, does that make it any better? Like,

I'm like, wait, I think he's saying, uh, just cause you realize you're a piece of shit. Yeah. You're still a piece of shit. But then he went into something else funny and then it's all fine.

That's why we don't tell me, but that's, you know, he's when you else funny and then it's all fine that's why but that's yeah he's when you hit send and you know you shouldn't that was not the opening sentence i wanted to read and i've waited till the last thing i checked was the jobey thing because it's like a giant stack of dirty dishes i'm gonna have to fucking deal with but yeah it was it was good and it was good to see him. I don't want to get into shit that well, that's not really in the book. But like, yeah, just going through all the people

that keep this propped up, where I like to think that I'm functional, but no, it's the people around me that make this function. I'm just the fucking centerpiece. You're getting close. You're getting close. What?

To the book. Oh, but like, Joby, one of the things was when we fucked with him on the podcast about his sister dying. Because Joby's the master of death. He's got it covered. Stano's celebrity death pool. Yep. That's why he's got it covered he's down through a million celebrity death pool yep that's why he he's the guy but the sister was important and then i i i tried to make his pain entertainment which was completely so i was like spiraling through a lot of this shit where i guess yeah i i'm a fucking idiot not by what he he didn't do anything.

It was you and your self-consciousness. No, we like, remember, we waited for him to leave. And then we did more podcasts about his sister's death. And like, that really, that was the one death that upset him. So I was recalling all of this stuff going, what a fucking dick I am. Because we do that. I mean, we celebrate tragedy, but I did not bifurcate his personal feelings. We still can hurt.

Yeah. Yeah. And that was, so yeah, I went through a lot of that, you know, fucking 1230 at night when you've been writing, drinking, and trying to remember what a piece of shit you are. And then you remember what a piece of shit you are. And you're like, oh, it's laser focused on what a piece of shit I am. Oh, my God. When you left here last night before, like Tom and I were watching an old movie

and you were leaving and you told me what you're getting into. I mean, I could see right there that you were getting into something heavy i cannot totally understand why you were emailing and sobbing into your cry blanket or whatever yeah god damn it yeah but that's got is it cathartic at some point like like you realize that this is part of the process well i i'm hoping that that makes for better art. And I say that with a huge fucking scowl art. Well, yeah, I hope it makes me write better. But like talking more good last me talk pretty last week when you talked to Bingo's parents and we recorded it for for record. Did that help jog some things? Did that help the process of what you were going to write down?

Because I don't know if they knew we were recording. And then when they realized we were recording, I don't know if they knew what we were using it for. And I think they were at ease once they found out it wasn't going to be a podcast. But was that something that helped you? Because I know it was something that Tracy and I. I'm taking copious notes for I am having to do this on a timeline. Yeah.

Because, and this is important, is what I'm trying to find. I'm listening to podcasts from that year because I don't want to just repeat shit that we've already told you on a podcast. But a lot of it, you have to tell the story because not everyone listens to every fucking episode and remembers them. You never want to write a book that sounds like a podcast. Well,

I, I, I, with every chunk and I haven't beat it out in a 12 months, I'm trying to find the overriding story of, okay, yeah, I cheated on bingo with a stripper on a cruise ship. You know that if you listen to the podcast. Pam Anderson. What does that mean?

Why? So, yeah, with each chapter, I'm trying to find the deeper fucking story. Yeah. And sometimes it's pretty fucking ugly. Yeah. And it doesn't reflect well on me. But that's something that you're not going to get, like, extemporaneously when we're on the podcast.

That's that. But when you go back on deeper reflection, that's what you're doing. You're going back and examining those things. And you're using the podcast as kind of a guide to get into trigger memories exactly or or like finding all right what's the deeper story like right now i'm just at daytona with sean rouse and junior stopka and andy andrist and like but that's that's what finding out about Sean Rouse and forgetting that I already knew that and having to have Andy Andrus remind me, oh, fuck, I never did call him back. Oh, yeah. I got his number.

51301. I try to call or I try to look up his phone to see if we had any texts. Yeah, no, that wasn't on the podcast. That was earlier with Joby when we're talking about I had to get rid of my old phone because I can't put. It was so full. I had it like for 10 years and it was so full I couldn't put new numbers in. But I didn't want to delete any numbers like dead people. I want to have the text stream.

I have two numbers for Mitch Hedberg. Wow. Yeah. I still have Mitch, which is the big bear. He was in my phone under two. I had two different numbers, but big bear was a landline. But yeah, that was probably before text messages like i'm afraid to delete anything because i know i rely on so much when i have to go back so yeah fucking just johnny depp

fucking text messages where just to read something that's inspiring because when we would text i would try like i'm putting all my fucking effort into making this flowery language and fucking funny and perfect. You're trying harder than he is. Yeah. So we're both just trying to copy fucking Hunter. But I'm glad I have that. It's an old phone number of his. But, yeah, I can read this. All right. Now I'm getting I have that. It's an old phone number of his, but yeah, I can read this. All right, now I'm getting in that headspace.

That's what freaks me out when you get a new phone. It's not like computers where you smash them and there's nothing we can do. Shoot them with a fucking gun. But it's like the phone thing is like, ever i'm very like i record all of your sets and it seems it seems ridiculous sometimes that i'm spending that energy to do that but i i i want that i want that record and i think that helps you knowing because there's two camps you should be in the moment you shouldn't worry about never record yourself and listen to it but at the same time you get some things that are going to be there and if it's not if it's not recorded then there's no chance of going back

you're never going to go i want all that six weeks shaley i want everything and to put it on a spreadsheet and we're going to time it out that's not happening you go hey what was good i go well i think houston and you go again uh new orleans and then i give you houston houston wasn't good yeah but new orleans was a high horse without any material but but you said new orleans was great and that helped you get the thing that's the only reason and that was that that's part of it is like that we have the technology to go back into text and look back at what we said to people when we used to just talk on the phone or say something face to face. No record of it.

And now you can actually do that. Good or bad. Yeah, it's necessary. It's necessary for this project. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a I tell you, I wake up, I have a fucking great starter sentence, which is, it's like having the perfect title and working backwards. All right, I have a starter sentence for this chapter, and then I can just go from there. And I've done that, the Hedberg joke about sometimes at night I think of a funny joke, but I'm too lazy to get a pen to write it down.

So I just had to lay there and convince myself that that joke wasn't funny anyway. I just watched a podcast. I can't remember the comic's name. It's Gal. It's a gal. It's a very popular gal. And it was the second podcast she'd done video podcast and her guest was dave grohl for the second podcast she'd ever done and the quote was that joke about not having a pen

so you don't know how funny it was and you gauge it by whether you want to get up and get the pen. Wait, what was the quote? The joke was the same way. Sorry, I had to take the edge off of that piss. I just did half a piss while you're talking. Oh, my. So you're still peeing? Not good for you.

Well, it was necessary. It's fucking business. The show must go on. I think I have a... What was her second podcast? Her second podcast was Dave Grohl. So they must be friends. And they're talking and Dave Grohl quotes the Hedberg joke you just said.

Oh, no shit. And I'm like... And it made me... Oh. I'm like, fuck yeah, man. Relevant. Mitch would be stoked that Dave Grohl knew who he was. Because rock stars would always show up at the shows.

I remember hearing about White Stripes showing up at his show. And I was so fucking jealous. Strokes. Yeah, Albert Hammond. He didn't like me. Yeah, we're getting into that in the book. In the beginning beginning at the end it was cool

but yeah that's the picture you see online of Hedberg holding up this like novelty like huge deck of cards like 12 inch like tall like Jack in the 10 21 and that like a 12-inch tall jack and a 10-21.

And that photo's online. And that was that night with Albert Hammond and his hot New York girlfriend falling asleep in a chair. And the only reason we have the cards is because we insisted that the manager of the hotel... Why are you weepy? I'm not weepy. Yeah, you kind of are. No, I'm saying you cried at a fucking music

video last night, you told me. But I'm saying. Listen, that was in confidence. Bingo was. Can I tell my story? Yes. The picture of him holding up the card was because Albert Hammond was like, no, you go tell that guy.

The guy, the manager of the fucking W? You go tell that guy, no, get us a deck of fucking cards. He called a toy shop to have the guy open it to try and get us Monopoly or something.

And we settled for this novelty deck of cards. you're you're like they're huge platters of a thing and it's like it was really fucking weird that guy hated me when the night started and at the end we were all playing 21 why did he hate you because it was sold out and he wanted two seats in the show and i I'm like, there's nothing I can do. But there's always something you can do. Do you remember Hollywood? That was the Hollywood, Florida.

Yeah. Hard rock. Yeah. And that was the time we found the weird outfits. And I had the fucking gay pride of polyester, not polyester, plasticine shorts with my ball hanging out on stage. It was a

bleach denim. USA Thrift. And that's like 2007. Shaley still remembers the name of the thrift store. The Muslim prayer robe for bingo. I had a fat Albert Fubu shirt that I should have been just shot for wearing. I remember that week, John Turturro wanted to come to the show,

but it was sold out, and the staff was bragging about telling him no. They thought it was cool. I'm like, that would have been the coolest thing of my fucking life if John Turturro was at my show and you're bragging about the fact that you did not accommodate it. I did not tell Do you remember that? No, but I did not tell Albert Hammond

no because I wanted to brag to the staff. I didn't have it in me to like go further than it's a sold out show. There was also the show where Phish, the band, parked a van in the alley and sent a runner up and said, Phish has a van in the alley for when you guys are done with the show,

if you want to come to their after party. And no pressure. Total hippies, right? No pressure. But if you want to go to their after party. And no pressure. Total hippies, right? No pressure. But if you want to go, the van's there. Until you leave the venue, that van will be there for you. And Mitch goes, I don't know anyone in Fish. And we never went anywhere.

Fucking Hedberg, when he did, it was called Comedy Product. And it was a Janine Garofalo is a comedy central show when we both were new to LA he'd been there just a bit before me and he had done this show so they're having the the premiere party at Dave

Rath's house with all the comics or something yeah yeah you know I've heard the name. He was at the memorial, the Friars Club in LA. Yeah, he's a good dude. But Hedberg, he didn't hang out with any of these people

and that's when we showed up and we were shotgunning Meisterbrows and we went to the liquor store like, what should we bring to a premiere party? Let's just bring the stupidest, worst fucking beer. And, yeah, just sat outside because he didn't feel comfortable around all those people, the alt people that fucking loved him. He was more comfortable around.

Oh, fuck. I can't remember. John Jacobs. That was at Tampa. He opened. Oh, just recently. Yeah, he's doing a documentary about Possum Man, which he sent me a long cut of. And it was fascinating.

But there's footage that he isn't licensed to have. It was something that he got. He told me recently, because he opened for you last time you were in Tampa. I didn't know that. And we needed an opener for this one. So we got him. And he was telling me about this.

I'm like, so Possum Man gave you this tape? He's like, yeah, yeah. And he started talking. Possum Man does not have authority to give you licensed property. Like, you need to get in touch with Lynn. Well, you can't use it.

But I don't know what they're using it for, right? He wants to put this documentary out. That's great. But he should be in touch with Lynn. Yeah. Which Lynn, all she wants is to keep the name Hedberg alive and keep it out there so that people know who he is. There's nothing wrong with what they're doing, but it's a real easy contact.

Well, when she answers her phone or her voicemail is accepting messages, that is the person to get in touch with to do any of this stuff. But it was funny that Possum Man was the linchpin on this whole thing. Because I was going to tell Olivia the story of when possum man, right after Mitch died, and then you did Tampa, and possum man was at the show. And then you decided to get him out of the room so you could get the entire sold sold out show to follow your prank. And yeah, make him feel special.

So to tell that story. Do you want to? Well, that's it. I just pause a man. The way John Jacobs described him was he's like this character. No, he's not a character he's really that guy like if it's a tony clifton exactly yeah tony clifton without an act describing him as this unique i forget how he phrased it but wow you're really fucking soft gloving this fact that this

guy's like he's an insane person basically and i say that with all due respect to insane people he's just getting misguided self sense of uh self-confidence if he has any at all but that was one of the things about hedberg is hedberg made you feel am i a fucking dupe for being your friend because all your friends are these people that are dupes. Dupes. Yes. Terminal open micers.

They're going to do it forever because Hedberg gave them some kind of justification and told them that we started together. That's how he said, John Jacobs said, yeah, you know, possum man. Him and Hed we started together. That's how he said, John Jacobs said, yeah, you know, possum man, him and Hedberg started together.

That gives an air of respectability that I don't think anyone who's seen possum man goes, there's no way Hedberg started with this guy. They weren't cut from the same cloth. This is going into the book where I go, when I was talking about the core people this is going into the book where i go when i was talking about the core people like who are the core people and i who am i forgetting and then i came up with a oh fuck i see i knew i was missing someone important but then i go

like kenny and derrick on whatever level yeah they they deserve to be mentioned, even though they're fucking Beavis and Butthead. They do actually help out a lot on, you know, there's been times where, yeah, without them, we're kind of fucked. Name one. Meatwig. Derek taking care of Meatwig. $3,500 fucking hip replacement

that needed to be cared for daily on the road got it so yeah but just because they're buffoons I'm talking about talking about Hedberg's fucking

gaggle of fucking yeah yeah Rico and fucking Possum Man. Like Brian Mallow. He's going to think, were we really friends? Because Mallow's a fucking legit comic. Yeah. And Charred Hogan. And yeah, I don't know if they feel like, were we fucking dupes too on some level?

I don't know if they feel like, were we fucking dupes too on some level? But I know Hedberg was always well ahead of me as far as, spiritually is not the word, but he saw the bigger fucking picture. I know exactly what you're saying, because I would be, when I first started road managing for him, it was a shit show. And it's not, I don't blame him for it. I blame the guy they hired. He's making a lot of me decisions rather than Mitch decisions. That's the way it was.

Fuckhead from North Dakota? Whatever. I don't know his name. That's why I can't say it. I would say it if I could remember it. Chris. Yes. Something. Something.

But it is one of those things where they just want to get on the right track. And once they did, and that was fine. But it's like Mitch still had this way of, he always seems, I don't want to make it seem like he's some fucking genius. Like he was 10 steps ahead of us. But I often felt, what the fuck am I doing here? He could be doing this by himself kind of thing. I felt a little weird sometimes because he was so aware of the road.

He was so aware of all these things. But at the same time he got into some traps you know and that that was yeah chris yeah off topic let's get back to why are you fucking weepy too? I don't know. Spent from the road? You know, we went back on the road when I just started getting shit together. We came back from the road. I ended up having to do sound for the production here for Andy.

And then went right into doing the haunted house. And then like hours before, less than 24 hours before we left, I had just packed away enough of the haunted house to feel like I had gotten it put away. And then we were back on the road. And after the first night, you and I looked at each other. It's like, how come it feel like we've been on the road for three weeks? And we'd been away from home for less than 36 hours. And that's it. And so, like, even right now, I'm, like, I'm not where I need to be to be comfortable.

I'm still, there's, I cannot sleep. I can't fucking sleep at night. I'm thinking of the things I should be doing or that need to be done on a timeline when I'm my own businessman. I know. I got my own timeline. You fucking built this entire fucking structure for a year. I didn't build. I didn't swing one hand.

But it is one of those things where we're still trying. We're trying to get signed off. There's other construction going on. Workers are walking around and you jerking off. I can't have that happen. I got to put it in a contract and we'll do that for the next time. But it is one of those things where you get done doing this and it is a great job.

I fucking love it. I love you. This is fucking, we've built our paradise. Everyone else, stop trying to fuck with it. We have our paradise here. But when you get done going somewhere and doing these things, you have to get back into your life,

which it's going to take a couple more days and i didn't i wasn't back into it after six weeks on the road which is too fucking long yeah i don't want to complain because i know joe perry is a listener from aerosmith and they go on the road for two years in a row but you also have your own tour buses yeah it's fucking brutal but it's great i mean i say you you have no way to complain no it's a great life i love this but i love that we have our our bubble here our bubble is us and it's other people trying to fuck with our bubble or us trying to get back into our fucking flow. And right now, it's not going to happen for probably not until you're done with it. That's the problem.

Yeah. I remember when Andy was in Orlando. Andrist is there. He was with other people and he didn't even come to the green room beforehand. No. I'll tell you why. I told him not to. And then when you're on stage, I brought him to the green room.

And he started making drinks and taking them to his fucking table. Yeah. And pouring the pints of glass. And that's why. This is a problem. Wasn't a problem. But I was like, half of me is like like when we used to have fun yeah we would be hammered and andy and i would be on the stage and fucking with the show and doing weird shit

but yeah when you charge people a fucking certain amount of money yeah you have to do the fucking set you have planned and you can't go off the rails like in the old days and I just felt bad like I did address him and I got him up on stage just so I said I did but we didn't fuck with that show you know the balance be professional or have fun

this is a weird you know yeah there's a I know what you're saying. There's like it used to feel like it just happened. Like it was professional and fun. And now you feel like you can only do one or the other. Like you're trying to juggle.

Yeah, like a Traverse City show. You go, let's fucking put this one on tilt. And I didn't even do that because people have expectations. I have to tell you, though, you have to understand because Tracy and I talk to more people where we have to listen. When you talk to people that come to the show at the merch booth, you're trying to get to everything. And you're very open about that.

Look, I hate this. I'm going to get through it. I'm not going to listen to your story, but I'm going to sound like I'm listening. I'm just going to look like I'm listening. Politician face. Exactly. But at the same time, you have to understand, those three shows were amazing. You had

all this other stuff going on, which that doesn't matter. Those people bought tickets. It has to be a show. But at the same time, those were great shows. You got through a ton of material. We're like, I can't wait. I see every fucking show you do.

I see. I listen to a lot of it. I edit the fucking things, right? I can't wait to see what lasts that has legs to get to Hawaii. And then, God, I hope some of these things last until Vegas. Because you're ruminating on those things. Tracy, remind me to ask him when we get done. Because we're about done.

Because I wonder if you're thinking about the same bit that I'm thinking about. Where that's the one on the fucking drive back from Safeway. I'm like, oh, fuck. I got to remember it. Then I forgot it. Oh, wait. I had something I was going to write down in the comedy notebook. Rather than the fucking drive back from Safeway I'm like oh fuck I gotta remember it then I forgot it oh wait I had something I was gonna write down in the comedy notebook rather than the fucking book book

and I had to go back to I remember where I was in front of the school what was I thinking okay oh that's it and then I added something to it and I go oh I can't use this for a fucking month it's just like one little beat that you think oh that helps this bit

it still works do you still write It's just like one little beat that you think, oh, that helps this bit. That's part of it. Yeah. It still works. Do you still write things in a notebook? Fuck yeah. In fact, I finished. It's a small notebook. Not small like yours.

I have a spiral bound flip book that I use. So this is spiral bound, midsize. But I actually finished since I started writing shit last year when I was just driving around, listening to old things, seeing if I'm repeating myself. That's the best way. I know. Fucking driving. We're driving to Boise again and I can't wait. You know what I hated about six weeks and even those three days? I should have fucking forced the issue of listening to books on tape that are going to make me write.

But in the morning. I got them. Yeah, I got them. But we're not driving anymore. Now I'm writing a book. Doug, this is 600 pages audiobook on container ships. You remember. audiobook on container ships you remember yeah i just like in the morning i'm like just aware of everyone else's fucking probably doesn't want to listen to this and just blame me because

i'll i'll i listen to boring shit all the time i fucking love it but i mean there's four people in the car but there's only one. The one who has to stay alert. Well, there'll be time for that. I still have eight hours of How to Change Your Mind. It's a good book. The one I really want to listen to that I know the first chapter sucked, but

I know it's going to make me write is the prison book, Three Felonies a Day. Yes. It was a little verbose, but at the same time, so was the other one. I saw why the first chapter had to be verbose and not... Yeah, yeah. But I didn't want to subject everyone

to that. But I should have, maybe. Fucking Valentina drove me home on Sunday and played... I don't remember the guy's name, but it was about Mr. Rogers. And the fucking writing was so fucking impressive.

I want to write right away, and I walk into fucking football and other problems. But, yeah. Oh, I got one question. We're done, right? Yeah, yeah. Can I move on to this? Because I see what time we're at.

Hit it. Hold on. I got one. That's as far as it's going to go. God damn it. All right. So, I got Patreon. Just put your reading glasses out further.

I love that fucking picture gag at the, at the merge booth. That's so funny. Pull out my reading glasses. So my eyes are fucking blown up in the picture. Marty Feldman guys. Yeah. Okay.

I got to find it. I got to find it. But, uh, so I got a bunch of Patreon questions and, the last podcast was just Patreon questions and someone did ask, Hey, questions and the last podcast was just Patreon questions and someone did ask

why are you putting the Patreon questions out to the free podcast? To get you on Patreon, stupid. But he said, I don't know, is it marketing or what? It's like, yes, you answered your own question. This is a direct link. That's why we're trying to do it.

And thank you to all the Patreon subscribers. We're still going. We're five months in. It's fantastic. And that keeps the still going. We're five months in. It's fantastic. And that keeps the podcast going. Let me find this one. Okay. You get a big hug when you say you're a Patreon member at the merch. Absolutely.

You get a big hug anyway. I forget if it was West Palm or Orlando where the manager came in. And I always assume I must have met him last time but it's usually a new manager thankfully you hate to see wait staff that's been there yeah fucking 13 years sometimes you love it you say you love it but then you go oh fuck i was hoping that you would have done better than fucking corporate waitress uh but yeah I went to hug the lady and immediately fucking me too thing. And I just gave her like, oh, I gave her a weird half hug.

West Palm. Oh, you can do that. We can put that on the end. That'd be funny. All right. Well, no, you shouldn't fucking have to be editing because this goes out in fucking 12 hours. So listen, I got a bunch of questions, but we're going to save them for another time.

But this one was very, very funny. Well, not funny because I want to know. This is one that I said the only reason this is a podcast now is because I want to hear the answer to this. Matt Bodden from the Patreon subscribers. He says a question for the next Patreon subscribers. Email questions. Stan Hope, would you sign a contract to have your own contractual regular show on Fox if it would mean Bingo would be cured of her mental illness? No. Well, she's got two.

Mental illnesses. Mental illnesses. There's some brain damage there from the coma, and there's the mental illness that's still there. But no. What if it would cure all of it? Would that make her happy? Not necessarily. Her mental illness, sometimes that's what she thrives on.

Don't know how much, but no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't change a thing. So you, you wouldn't trade selling your soul for hers. No, I would not do that.

At what point would you, would I make her more mentally ill so I could have more focus on this project? Maybe. Maybe. Self-serving motherfucker. That's why this chapter is so hard to write. And that's why I send sappy emails to fucking Joby at 1243 in the fucking morning, because I know I'm a shitty friend. Knowing it. Does that change it? Good question, Joby. 1243 in the fucking morning. Cause I know I'm a shitty friend knowing it.

Does that change it? Good question. Joby? Not at all. Yeah. You're still fucking all about yourself, but if you're not all about yourself, you can't fucking pay it. Ferd.

Fuck bingo. I think that's it. No, that's not a way to close it. What would you, what would you, what's it. No, that's not a way to close it. Okay, bye-bye now. What would you... I got that on here. What's the one thing...

Is there anything that you would do... I think you already answered it. You don't want to change her the way she is. You're pragmatic. She is what she is. You're a pragmatic. You're. Yeah. She is what she is.

And she and she's fine with it, too. Right. Yeah. This is like we're running into roadblocks here. Yeah. No. What would short answer? Would she be happier? I don't think so. I think if you took away all those obstacles from her brain,

then it's like having a bad trip where you go, oh, wait, this is what I have to deal with. So, no, I wouldn't. All right. That's it. I'll tell you what. Do you have something else? No. I was was gonna say uh i got some other celebrity death pool joe b's got some shit he was gonna be on this uh when we did it we didn't realize we had to do it tonight but he's got some fun shit for celebrity death pool

so uh doug stanhope celebrity death pool or the acronym dscdp.com chad shank will be back i assume uh and uh tour dates at doug stanhope.com slash tour dates we've got uh december 13th 14th the blue note in honolulu december 31st at the Plaza in Vegas. 2020, March 7th in Seattle at the Neptune Theater. Remember that place? Fucking beautiful. The 12th in Baltimore at Magoobie's. I'm already getting emails about. See you at Magoobie's.

Boston. March 13th, Boston at the Wilbur. And there's other ones that if you're not on the mailing list at DougStanup.com, it will be sold out before you have a chance. So be on the mailing list. Get done that.

We don't send you spam. Can I plug Issues with Andy? Yeah, fuck yeah. Issues with Andy podcast every Friday on YouTube. It's Brett Erickson, Chad Shank, myself, and a little boy named Andy Andrest. So check it out. It's fun. And we got some fun stuff coming up for 2020. I'm glad we did this, Greg Chaley.

I am too. Want to go have a good cry over a Tracy poured cocktail? Let's get our microfiber cry towel. That's a fun towel. You don't jerk off on microfiber. It just rolls

off like water off a duck's back. Thank you. I was going to say that. Finish your sentence. Hey, maybe Bingo needs to say something. Okay, bye-bye now. No, ask Bingo to say something. Bingo, close us out.

Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. I'm sorry. See, I write jokes for a living, man. You know, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. laughter