The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#344: LIVE from Arnold's Beach Bar in Waikiki

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

Who can complain about Hawaii? Stanhope can even while recording from his favorite day drinking bar of all time, Arnold's Beach Bar in Waikiki – Honolulu, Hawaii and, with his favorite day bartender, Dawn.Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast and have direct access to the podcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded Dec 12th, 2019 at Arnold's Beach Bar in Waikiki - Honolulu, HI with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bartender Dawn, bingo, Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by The ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast with Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille - New episode every Friday and only available on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHhpCYwNEGcS_DA7VjG4DwLINKS -Read "The Stench of Honolulu" by Jack Handy. But, do it in Mitch Hedberg's voice. - https://www.amazon.com/Stench-Honolulu-Tropical-Adventure/dp/1455534536Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.orgClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. So let's start it, Doug. Tracy, unfortunately for this podcast, Tracy has been downgraded from our bartender to our server and videographer right now. Because we have a special guest bartender on this podcast. We're doing this live from Arnold's Tiki Bar in Honolulu, Waikiki. If you read This Is Not Fame, you read about our bartender, Don. One of my favorite day drinking bars in all the world. And my favorite day drinking bartender in all the world.

Who I thought had quit. I was under the impression. Because last time I was here, we went out and she wasn't working. So somewhere in my head, I had it that she just didn't work here anymore. Doug came in here one time and she was here. So every time he comes here, if she's not here, something's happened. Something's wrong. What happened?

Why is she not here? I'm here. She's not here. So we shuffled down here last night, half in the bag already. And I'm out front smoking next to the bus bench out there. And I said to Bingo, we have to call Dawn, the bartender from here, and invite her to the show. She used to work here. And then one of my favorite songs, the guy that was playing here last night.

Do you remember his name? I don't. He's fucking great. Kip. Yeah, it's just a solo act. A classic guitar and playing 90s. He was playing everything that would be on my iPod if I could find it and figure out how to

use it. All 70s shit. I mean, not 70s shit, 90s shit. 70s? He's doing 70s stuff too. Yeah. So he starts playing. Right after I said that, literally I said, we have to call Dawn the bartender and invite her to the show.

And I stepped two feet, and she's sitting right next to us on a bus bench, and she goes, hey, Doug. I went, what? She goes, I'm Dawn. I go, hey, Doug. I went, what? She goes, I'm Don. I go, I just sit, just right now, I just came out of my lips to call you. I said, what are you doing here? She goes, I just get off work.

I go, you're back working here? She goes, I've always worked here. You already just assumed that she was let go or fired or something because now she got her job back? No, no, because last time I was here, we went out during the day drinking, but she wasn't working. So I guess in my head, I thought she didn't work here, but she just had the day off. I don't fucking remember everything. It's like she sees you out there and she says, Doug, did you quit drinking?

What happened? Why aren't you at the bar? Why are you in there and she says doug did you quit drinking what happened why aren't you at the bar so uh yeah because you stopped drinking uh so yeah and then i came back in and kip who i don't remember at all the guy that was playing we were tipping the shit out of him and uh he came over afterwards and he goes yeah i remember you like that song by the flies got you where i want you uh that was funny so i evidently i i knew him too but that's a that's a weird pull for a guy playing to a crowd in a beach bar to do the flies that like when he's playing i'm like fucking hey dude right on and nailing it we knew it and it turns out he remembered the songs you liked last time

and was playing them i probably tipped the fuck out of him last time too that's when you remember what that guy wants to hear he thought you quit drinking too yes this is where i met don around this hour i was meeting rosanne here so i'm sitting upstairs at eggs and things is above this place that you'll never find even if you're looking for it with a with a strong map and i was looking down i had a seat where i could see down and i saw her starting to slowly put out tables so I came out to hurry up the process. I go, I'll move the tables. You work behind

the bar. I need a drink. And then Roseanne shows up fashionably late. She came from Maui, right? Did she come from the Big Island or Maui? I don't know how they could ever have called her racist when she works on Colored People Time. It took me an hour just to tell her how to use a fucking Uber or get a cab or something.

So it was just the three of us. It was just me and Dawn and Roseanne. Was she playing Chuck Berry or something? James Brown. Oh, nice. And we were dancing like idiots. Did her publicist tell her to play all black artists when he ever hit a jukebox?

Long before there were troubles. So we wound up. I'm sure it's the second book. This is not fame. The story's in it. But we ended up leaving here. We went to some other restaurant, patio, bar restaurant, like an upscale, more of a restaurant than a bar. And we sat out on the empty patio and Roseanne just lit up a cigarette.

One of mine, of course. She doesn't have them. She doesn't smoke unless she's around me. Stan Hope started me on this. That's what she said on Rogan's podcast. And she just lit up a cigarette and no one said shit

because she's Roseanne, so I lit up a cigarette and then we... Because she's Roseanne. We were very pickled. Yeah, because she's Roseanne. And I lit up a cigarette, and then we... Because she's Roseanne. We were very pickled. Yeah, because she's Roseanne. And we went to the beach. I remember she had... We were going to go skinny dipping, underpants skinny dipping. And she was roaming the beach trying to find someone trustworthy

to leave her stuff with. And I go, that's a family. She goes, I don't like the book he's reading. Well, that's probably a pretty good idea. Like, you've got to suss him out. It was a very weird profiling, meandering across the beach so she could profile someone trustworthy. So we left our stuff with someone and jumped in the ocean,

and it was just fucking bliss. A perfect afternoon drunk by then. Like down this street? I don't know. That's weird that you don't even remember. Did you go in the ocean or did you go in the canal? No, it was a very crowded part of beach. And then I had to dump her into a cab to get her home and I had to piss desperately.

And that was the story where. Yeah, I was I was walking. It was like all condominium buildings and no business to go in. And the one place I went in, it said like jazz bar, this and that. But it was like for the condominium place. And it was only open like two days a week. It's closed. But by then my bladder thinks, thinks oh i'm close to a men's room i'm pissing yeah and i just went around the side of the condo you're in time clock yeah once you figure it out and then all of a sudden you walk into your house and your roommates in the bathroom yeah you're already in the sink you're pissing in the sink time don're pissing in the sink. No, take your time. Don't come in. So I'm wearing shorts like this, cargo shorts, and I try to pull my small dick down the leg enough,

and I'm walking around the condo building because there's not even a tree to piss on out there, and I'm pissing down my leg all over my pants, pissing on my shoe. But you have to pee so bad, none of that matters. Right. It's just, how do I make this inconspicuous as possible?

Yeah, but I'm walking like Charlie Chaplin at that point. And I'm pissing all over myself and I try to empty it. I just, taking the top off to make it to a bathroom.

And now I'm covered in piss. And I turn around and this guy who looks like a narc, he looks like an ex-Marine colonel, has been behind me the entire time. He looks like Arlie Ermey, the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. And he goes, what the fuck are you doing? And I turn around and I wanted to explain the entire day with Roseanne and skinny dipping and there's no bathrooms.

And I just I'm covered in piss and I just shrugged and walked off. Why did you fall right into your cerebral palsy? It seems like that would be the time, right? That could that could for next time. It'll be the next time. I didn't know he was right behind me. If I turned around and all of a sudden got cerebral palsy, might have been stranger still.

But, Don, didn't I come back here? Yeah, but I didn't know that at all happened. Oh, okay. She didn't know that at all happened. I served you a couple more. She's served me a couple more. Yeah, I think I had a hotel. There used to be a hotel upstairs.

And I had a room right there. There was a hotel above this bar? Yeah, there was a hotel right back in this... Don, can you fact check this for us? Is it still there? I think so, yeah. All right. They don't tear things down.

They just build on top of them around here. Well, I remember trying to find it for subsequent visits and it was I think it might have turned somewhat timeshare-y. Yeah. Or maybe Airbnb. Airbnb, VRBO, yeah.

Because it was always full or... Hey, say goodbye to our Patreon viewers. That story was great. We're just going to go back to the regular podcast right now. Hey, say goodbye to our Patreon viewers. That story was great. We're just going to go back to the regular podcast right now. Oh, I forget you're videotaping, so I'm glad I got up and I did the physical part of pissing down my leg.

Thank you, Patreon. We appreciate you guys, and this is a little special thing. Hey, wait. Get some Dawn in there. I wanted to, but I wanted to have her permission. Dawn! Dawn! Dawn!

Get over here. No, don't turn it that way. No, no. Tracy, it has to be landscape the whole time. Come this way. Spin it that way. I have a giant scoop in my hand. There's Dawn, our favorite bartender. Arnold's Tiki. Is it Tiki Lounge?

It has a few names. Arnold's Beach Bar. That's what it is. Alright. Thanks, Patreon. Thank you, Don. Thank you, Don. You can just keep it and take pictures. Just go to photos.

Thank you, Doug. I know you don't like to do video, but... Yeah, let's take a quick break. I would love to, because I want to get another drink. All right. Yeah, this is my last mimosa. I went to double... That's all ice. All right.

I went to double Sailor Jerry's Cokes. It's all. All right. Okay, please hold this dude lived in my house and raped a brother and he also was wait wait wait first of all Andy

Andy did he rape Larry or did he rape a black guy? What does it mean when you said he raped a brother? One of my brothers that probably wants to remain anonymous, which is why he was born in the middle, was raped. That's not anonymous. That's not anonymous. Hey, everybody.

It's me, Brett Erickson, from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday. Issues with Andy on YouTube. Yeah. It's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right.

It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka oh oh shit i was drinking cola i fucked up and the v could also stand for video because it's a video podcast that's it oh shit as always i'm right and Chad Shank is righter. Or more right to be correctly incorrect or something. If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope Podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday. And yeah, you keep listening and watching or however you do it and we'll keep shitting. We'll keep shitting content.

I mean shitting content and not shit. That's what we do it and we'll keep shitting. We'll keep shitting content. We'll polish it up and call it a turd. You can shit on it if you hate it. Thanks for watching. Alright, thanks guys. The microphone, Andy. The microphone, Andy. The microphone. Which date do you think I should find it? So, uh...

After all this shit I gave Chaley... Oh, we're back. Yeah, well, they know we're back because I started talking. It's professional, too. We're not very professional I don't know why After all the shit I gave Chaley

For leaving All the podcasting stuff Behind in Bisbee and having to drive An extra four hours Round trip To be fair all of my documentation For the flight for the hotels For everything

Including Some Adderall. Oh, okay. I just felt bad about making someone else carry Adderall. So, yeah, after all that, I wake up that first morning after we did the Patreon podcast upon landing. Probably not the best headspace, but we rallied. The entire group of us, Bingo, Tracy, you and myself, we flew that day. All of us flew.

Together. But it's what we all do. We drink and then we get here. And probably the worst thing you could do is put a microphone after we continue to drink and go, let's start this. Well, we had to get it out. It was already late.

It's out. It's out. Oh, was it rough to listen to? It's always rough to listen to, but we're very drunk. Which Patreon, that's what you pay for. You get what you pay for. Well, I tell stories I wouldn't tell if I were more sober. That is true.

And that's also what Patreon's about. I might slur them, but you might not have heard them at all if I hadn't been drinking. So, yeah, after all that, I woke up the first morning to start writing because I had two days off before the shows to get in much-needed writing time. And I can smoke on my balcony in the hotel as long as they don't catch me. And I was all geared up, realized I forgot the cord for my laptop to charge it. And it's that old Lenovo piece of shit where it's got a special cord that you have to special order. No way of getting it here.

We own two of them. Yeah, at home. Well, I brought you the one, and then you left it in the car. Well, I was vacillating between using the new laptop from when that Lenovo died. I just panicked and went out and bought a new one. And I go, do I bring the old one or the new one? So I brought the old one, but then I fucked up and didn't bring the cord. So, yeah, I've had two days of not having to write, so that's why we're drinking at 1030 in the morning.

What? What were you going to do? So, yeah, I've had two days of not having to write, so that's why we're drinking at 1030 in the morning. Oh, what? What were you going to do? What was I going to do? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's what I was going to do since Chaley unnecessarily drove all the way back to Bisbee because Bingo is still in Bisbee and we could have flown all your shit to you. But I guess you needed an Adderall right away, especially since you're going to be driving that extra four hours. It came in handy when we got to Bisbee, I'll tell you that.

I mean, you know me, I like to have my stuff. I know, you're control free, but so when I had two days free, I was going to fly back to Tucson, get the charger out of my car where my shark pajamas still lay. I guess

if you don't have Patreon, you don't know that story. My, my, my shark pajamas are still laying over the, Hey Don, every time I see you, do I have a story about shitting myself or pissing myself? missing myself you know that is one part of the uh editing of the patreon podcast that i was laughing out loud listening to it yeah so it's not all horrible when i have to listen to my own voice there are there are little gems hidden in there that would have been very funny if i to to fly all the way back to tucson do an 18 hour round trip flight with layovers just to get that court just to we were in the process of getting fucking hammered last night at arnold's where we're at now and uh you said that and i'm like oh my god you are you you're the one who tells everyone it's only funny if you do I know, but I didn't have a laptop to get online and book a ticket.

Expedia. That is hilarious. I keep feeling like I'm in a foreign country. Every time I go to use my phone. And it works? Well, I don't have to dial internationally or anything. And it works? Well, I don't have to dial internationally or anything.

Or I worry about how many fucking gigs of data or shit that I'm getting notifications about all the time. Like last year in Costa Rica. Yeah. Or on Johnny Depp Island. Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't hear that story? Sorry, non-Patreon subscribers. Hey, you know, if you want to get on Patreon to actually subscribe to this podcast, once a month, we

make another podcast. Sometimes it's late because of Shaylee, but other than that, you just go to patreon.com slash standup podcast. Get in there. You can get in as a dollar a month. That's $12 a year to get an extra podcast a month. And then we're

already doing extra stuff. Arnold's is the only place in Honolulu that I feel comfortable at all. Especially after the gauntlet of outlet malls, Gucci, Tesla. Yeah, our hotel where we're playing, the Blue Note, is inside the Outrigger, one of the many Outriggers. 700 Outriggers. Yeah, and it's right in the heart of Waikiki. We're across from an indoor Tesla dealership and a Rolex store and Saks Fifth Avenue, and it's just upscale. And it's...

Wrong Saks. We all agreed separately where we'd all said, yeah, this is like being on the Vegas Strip without any of the lights or the gambling or the shows or the pizzazz. It's just crowds of fucking wayward, gate mouth tourists in no hurry to get the fuck out of their own way, wandering aimlessly in and out of shops, and the construction. It's like being in fucking Times Square for no reason. Like, no reason whatsoever. This city sucks. I love that you've just leaked the first five minutes of your set at the Blue Note.

That's right. This won't go out until after I'm done. Oh, don't worry. I'll have it honed by then. Yeah, you're more pointed. We found a couple of bars. We walked for over an hour, almost an hour and a half yesterday. But you're on Kalakaua right here.

This is the main drag. Like, on one side is the beach and the outlet mall stuff and the other side is just a regular street, if you go a little deeper, there's still shit going down. We did that once when we came here with Junior. That's how we found the zoo. And we did go to the zoo and gave Junior something to look at that was familiar to him.

I used to sponsor a hyena at the zoo for years. His name was Chip. Tell us more. Well, when I lived here, and then when I used to play out here at the Wave, which is no longer here, we'd be here for two months at a time. I came out here like six, seven times.

And you would have friends. I was drunk a lot. I don't remember a lot of it. And I came out here like six, seven times. And you would have friends. You would be able to. And you just. I was drunk a lot. I don't remember a lot of it. And you would just have to. I would have to find something other than drinking to do. And I didn't really get into diving yet. And I bought a year pass to the zoo. And I would just fucking.

I lived still like ten blocks that way. I'm pointing away from the zoo and I would just fucking like I lived still like 10 blocks that way I'm pointing away from the zoo and I would walk to the zoo in the morning a little hungover and I would that's a good 45 minute walk absolutely and then that would be that would be what I would do I go say hi to Chip and he did you follow up on Chip when you ran out of sponsorship money or did they put them down? Well, they actually, unknown fact about the Honolulu Zoo, when an animal goes down, they feed it to the other animals. Because that's just the way things are done on the Savannah. I think you just ruined a lot of ticket sales for the honolulu zoo honolulu zoo people would know there's a feature called the african savannah at the honolulu zoo

is that where they show you show them feeding dead animals to other animals i couldn't get to the epstein level i don't know what happened hey we snorted my mother because that's what we do and in the animal world they no i'm just saying you feed animals to the other animals in our world you snort the dead lucite guitar it's the way we would have wanted it. That was the craziest thing when you called. I just edited the podcast for the Patreon and I realized that you don't...

Well, Johnny doesn't remember ever meeting me. Nobody does. And that was part of that. And then you don't remember calling me to tell me that he doesn't remember meeting me, which is kind of meta. I keep getting texts and emails from people we drunk dialed. What did we call our friend that killed his mother? Sonny.

Sonny. Yeah, from that podcast. Yeah, we drunk dialed him. What? He's been doing open mics. He's not out, out, but he must be getting a lot of day passes from the mental institution because he's been doing normal open mics. Not out, gay out.

No, no, he's out of the institution enough that he's doing legit open mics. It's fucking great. And he just sent me a text saying, thank you so much. That meant so much to me to talk to you, Johnny. Wow, we went fucking deep into the phone. Oh, yeah. The old phone at that. But for him, for Johnny, it's like I talked about this on the Issues with Andy podcast. I said, it's so weird because it's like that was like doing the thing we did

was like I will never forget it. But it's like even like Johnny and like his whole world. I mean, I can't imagine. But he at one point said, we need a better guitar than this. And then as we went, we were looking at guitars and we were talking about guitars and he's like oh i gotta i gotta show you this one and it's like he went out of his way to show me a special guitar he's like those are all aircraft parts someone's scavenged from the boneyard and what the fuck so does johnny but it is one of those things like you don't even remember the,

because I remember everything. I want you to want one scintilla of that. But that's like his mind must be full of so many different situations. Yeah. But there was a, it culminated in something that. Yeah, he fucking hung out with Hunter S. Thompson. This is where we're fucking, we're like fans that showed up at his fun house. I don't remember.

It was funny because the pictures that you sent, especially after when you were supposed to be writing and no one would interrupt you to get ice, then you would start calling and then you would call me and you'd show me or you would send me pictures of like, hey, look at this. There's plastic over the windows. I'm like, noted.

Get plastic over the windows in the patio. Yeah. I got it. Everything you said, I took notes. But yeah, his fun house is pretty fun. Yeah. That was the good beach. Now we're on bad beach.

Bad beach Hawaii. It's the good beach. Now we're on bad beach. Bad beach Hawaii. It's not that bad. So we were walking yesterday, and it's, again, it's like walking through New York City. You're just dodging people and playing. We call it football. I say bingo football when there's a crowd of people, and they're kind of spread across the whole sidewalk, yet they're all together, but they're all looking in different directions, and it's fucking hands across America.

I just yell football, and we find a hole, or I make a hole. I'm your lead blocker, and you fucking follow my lead, and I'm going to bust a hole through this fucking defensive line. So it was not relaxing at all.

It was exercise. I got some fucking blood going through my fucking chicken legs. And then she wants a drink immediately. Like, no, we're going to walk for a bit first. I need a cocktail. Walk to a drink. Ten minutes in. No, we're going to walk.

So you do the usual thing. Walk at least 30 minutes in one direction, knowing that means an hour, because you've got to get back. And we saw a couple bars, and then I saw a burrito place. And I go, I've eaten there last time I was here. And it was pretty good. It was right near our hotel. And then right next to it is Moose McGillicuddy's. But it looks like a dive bar.

And Bingo's like, I'm going to get a drink. I go, yeah, it's perfect. It's empty. Upstairs. She goes, what is this? It's like, I go, yeah, it's a TGI Fridays that focuses more on the booze than the food, but is attached to the burrito place. And we might have still been drinking there right now and settled for Moose McGillicuddy's. Out here, everyone calls it Moose's.

23 years ago, they called it Moose's. That was a place that had that's where the the drummer from my band that we hired from here that's where his band played that was a rotation place i am shocked it's still here because it's just the the wave of construction and tearing things down to put in other things i'm happy it's here well i needed to say i needed to eat yes and you get the bur, but I'm not that hungry. So they have tacos. I go, one ground beef taco will be enough that I can justify day drinking yesterday.

And I go, can I just get a single taco a la carte? Because you have a taco basket for like $14. I go, can I just get one taco a la carte? Which anywhere else would say yes. She goes, nope. Only on Tuesdays. And I also thought it was Tuesday. Then that

fucked me up. What if I think it's Tuesday? Yeah, you know what? You lost above fucking $250 in fucking bar tab and over tipping. We'd be doing this podcast from there. One fucking taco, you cheap cock suckers. Fuck you, Moose McGillicuddies. Moose's.

The only place in Waikiki is Arnold's Beach Bar, Tiki Hut. Whatever. Dive Bar. Arnold's. Just eat before you come because I think they used to have chips and maybe a hot dog if you're lucky. Wait, they still have chips here, right, Don? Yeah. You have nachos and you have hot dogs and sometimes sausages free popcorn see that

when did the when does the popcorn machine go on sorry popcorn machine's broken. Pat and the blender. We did have breakfast this morning. Hi, how are you? Hi. We had breakfast at the hotel. They have a buffet downstairs. So Tracy and I are staying a block and a half from you guys. You were staying at the... The Outrigger. At the Outrigger. Well, there's a hundred. Downstairs. So Tracy and I are staying a block and a half from you guys.

You're staying at the Outrigger. There's a hundred. Yeah, but the one with the... You're staying at the venue, at the hotel with the venue. Right. So your options, I don't know what it is, but it's probably expensive. It's not bad. It's $18 for the breakfast buffet, and they make your omelet. I like that.

18 bucks for the breakfast buffet and they make your omelette. I like that. I said I brought my condiment bag, but I forgot to restock the hot sauce. Oh shit, I think I have two McDonald's picante sauces in

the net pocket of my backpack. Note that. Very unknown and underrated is the McDonald's picacchante. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It is good. So I said, unless they only have Tabasco, then it's perfect.

I got everything I need. I was just packing my shit to go to breakfast. You just want there to be a second option to tabasco because tabasco is a given you already know where this is going i haven't heard it well i we go down this it's that whole you you saw that bar downstairs the dukes yeah that's where we met so it's a very long bar with so there's a lot of beach view They sat us inexplicably as far away from the buffet as possible with literally dozens of tables between us. Empty. Between us and the buffet.

I'm in my pajamas. You're flagged as a problem. I was in my 1950s vintage pajamas matching top and bottom, bright blue. You were in the sleepwear section we pulled colors off of those pajamas to paint the new edition it's that lavender oh i love that you remember yeah no that's the color of your new room uh so we sit down and i get you know i do the you know run the the length of the field to the buffet and get my omelet and brought it back. And there's Tabasco sitting there.

And I go, tell me, this is not the only hot sauce that you have. Because I just said it out loud upstairs. The only thing that could make this suck is if they only have Tabasco. And he says, no, we have Sriracha, too. And I'm like, oh, I forget that people think that's a hot sauce. It's not hot sauce. That's Sriracha. Yeah. Sriracha too and i'm like oh i forget that people think that's a hot sauce hot sauce that's sriracha yeah sriracha right it's like calling aioli spicy aioli fucking hot sauce well it might be good on something but it ain't fucking hot sauce so that started the thing you know it wasn't a bad breakfast i'd also say tabasco is not hot sauce. Tabasco is Tabasco.

Hot sauce is made to be hot. Tabasco is a flavor additive. Tobacco is more of a painful ointment. Like mentholatum? Under your nose? Yeah, if someone's having a seizure. In fact, in Silence of the Lambs, instead of putting the white stuff under their nose when they're in the corners, they should have put Tabasco. Yeah.

I mean, the same way they put limes in Corona, that originates from sand fleas getting into the— Yeah, to stop sand fleas from getting in your beer on the beach. Never heard that. I've heard it enough times. Can you fact check that, Don? Don, don't do that. Is that true? Tracy's fact checking.

Is it true that they started putting limes in Corona? Do you know why? Was it Doug who told you? Oh, oh, because then gnats don't fly into your beard so yes that's that's what tabasco was sort of checks out originally meant for was to kill pinworms in your in your authentic Mexican food they went together I think you I think you hitched a fact to a non but that's just I coupled them yeah yeah well if part of it's true it must all be true those facts are friends now so this morning we go back. The breakfast wasn't bad. It was a good buffet.

For $18, you said there was a Billy Armlet bar. Was there a carbon station? No, no, not that I'd get a buffet. So there's fruit, oatmeal. But for Hawaii, $18 for anything is, you know, call the front desk. It's $18. So this morning we go back and we took the stairs because the

elevator system is so fucked at that outrigger and it was crowded and there's a line and it takes forever. It's like a Disneyland ride. You have to wait in the line that long just to get it. So we take the stairs. There's 12 floors. Actually it's 14 because you've got to go to the

lower level. But yeah. It's down. Can't take them back up. I might have fancied that idea. Yeah, it's one way, I think, in the building. Yeah, because it shoots you out of fire exit, but it shoots you out right by the back of Duke's where breakfast is. So we've said, fuck this to the see your hostess for a seat. We just took a seat right by the buffet.

I don't need a waitress. I'm not getting any kind of beverages or coffee. They need to know you're there. No, they don't. Yeah, but that's how they charge you. Well, no, I'm going to pay on the way out. But they don't know that, Doug. Well, they don't.

We sat at a table. All right. And finally, someone comes over and says, Oh, you're here? Did you get seated? I go, no, we just sat down. Well, you need to tell someone at the station. I go, I don't need anything.

I'm just going to eat and pay. Don't worry. I'll still tip whosoever station this is. And they go, this is no one's station. And I go, all right. Well, then I'm just. Well, then she leaves. Another guy comes over.

You've upset the avocado. Yeah, she didn't feel like she yelled at us enough. So she sends over this big Dan Schlissel looking guy, this big rummix guy. Did you sit here without being assigned this seat? I go, yeah, obviously. That's why you're yelling at me. He says, well, people need to know this is it. And I said, I don't need a wait staff.

I'm not ordering beverages. I'm just going to eat and pay. He goes, well, yes, you need. This is someone's section. I go, well, I don't't need anyone so it's perfect and he goes well who's gonna clean up your dishes afterwards and who's gonna say i go well it sounds like you need a waitress not me i don't need nothing uh and then a nice lady came by the cooler no she just came by and said, do you need anything?

And she was sweet. And we were already packed up. And I stacked up all our dishes and tidied the table up all nice. And it wasn't. I stopped myself short. Where can I wash these, ma'am? I was actually going to go in the kitchen and put them in a bus tray. And reset the table from another table that was already set.

But I didn't have time and she was nice and then the other lady came out but we were leaving and uh so i tipped the the lady that was nice to us i just tipped her 20 bucks and said here thanks she didn't even deal with us on any level i said you're this is just for being the only person that's been nice to us all morning. And then I walked away to go pay at the front. And bingo, someone came up to the... Hold on. Hold on. Bingo, come over here.

Come on, bingo. No, no, right here. I got a mic open for her. There you go. The green one, yeah. No, no, right here. I got a mic open for her. There you go.

The green one, yeah. Are you talking yet? Oh, ready, Freddy? Yeah, ready, Freddy. Okay, so then someone yanked the $20 that Sam just gave this nice girl away from her. And I see this as I'm packing up my backpack. And I yanked that $20 right out of that lady's hand. And I said said this is because she was the only nice person to us

and then I took off but she got it. With her $20? No I gave it back to her I gave it back to the girl and she got a little teary and smiley and then I just took off and that's all we know That's all we know till tomorrow because we're going back

which let's let's just reiterate this that this is in the hotel where your poster is out front on on kalakaua no no literally in front of the hostess stand is a giant giant poster of you. Yeah, electronic video kind of whatever, digital. Yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Not a thing. Sir. Yeah. Oh, that's Sir. I said that to him up front. I go, yeah, yesterday you

sat me over like a football field away for no reason. So yeah, I sat myself today. And you did it? You weren't a fucking asshole. You fucking walked the football field and then you walked back with your cold omelet. Oh, my God. That is, we're Waikiki, man. They're not used to dealing with, well, I don't know, because you're pretty specific about breakfast.

Like you Breakfast is the only time I'm guaranteed to be hungry. Yes. Otherwise I could go a whole day without eating. If I don't eat breakfast. Yeah, there'll be something. Yeah, I'll start getting fucking

something non-nutritional that will get or I'll start smoking. Yeah. Once I start smoking, I don't want to eat. Then I want to drink. Once I start drinking, I don't want to eat. I want to drink. I think I want to come back for this. I think I'm going to break one more time. Let's take a break.

Because I want to come back to this. I'm doing a double Sailor Jerry's Cokes. They're going through me hey don you know the one thing that uh arnold's has that nothing else uh we've found in uh honolulu or probably anywhere in the fucking world right now we'll see no christmas music i think if you just put out a sign if you had a chalkboard sign out front and it just said no Christmas music, you'd have a line around the fucking block past eggs and things. Sorry. One in, one out, sir. All right.

We're taking a break. Take a break. Hey, don't forget New Year's Eve in Las Vegas. A very little known place to celebrate New Year's Eve in Las Vegas, a very little-known place to celebrate New Year's Eve. We will be there. Well, I'll be doing the show at the Plaza on New Year's Eve, the Plaza Hotel. And also, Chaley has gone ahead, and probably a drunk decision,

you're doing the Issues with Andy podcast, both the night before New Year's night before on the 30th at the dive bar and then your show on the 31st yeah at the plaza yeah and on the first tommy rockers has agreed to let issues with andy do a live podcast which i love tommy we both love Tommy. Yeah. He has stood by it. He'll say yes to anything. Clearly. He let a drunk Elvis impersonator put cocktail olives up his ass

and then hurl them at my car. Piss in a fucking pint glass and drink it and then walk among the crowd and talk to everyone. Yeah. And then he'd come up to me going, I'm going to lose my gaming license. He kept turning the lights.

He had lights on dimmers. He kept turning it down. It's like, Hey Tommy, that dimmer is at the bottom. He's like, it can go lower. It can go lower.

Yeah. So, uh, he's agreed to let us do a, uh, first podcast of the new year. 2020. Wait,

are you doing, they're both live podcasts. Both live. All right. For the 30th and the 1st. And the 1st. I will probably not be at either. I've booked the whole thing letting everyone know,

Doug Stanhope has nothing to do with this. These are people in the periphery of Doug Stanhope. And they're fine with that. They just, on the 30th, there's nothing going on. Even in Vegas, on the 30th there's nothing going on even in vegas on the 30th i like to i like to think that uh the issues with andy podcast is like the whack packers from stern going out and doing their own gigs with more direction but where stern where if i'm stern i'm hyper aware that they're gonna sell more tickets than me at some point.

Every Friday we release a new one and it's only on YouTube, which is vexing to a lot of people to see. Yeah. To see that live would be incredible. So I'll make one of the other probably, but there's no special guest. I told you last night, you probably don't remember. Don't say it if you remember.

No, I don't. There will be an unveiling at the dive bar, and it will be amazing. The dive bar, by the way, if you weren't there for that 95-person capacity sellout crowd. Perfect for us. No, I did my 25-year comedy anniversary there. 65 too many, but we'll still fill it. Point being, that's the bar under a different name where I started comedy in 1990 on August 28th of 1990. So next year will be my 30th anniversary.

Oh, my God. So, yeah, it's a fucking great place. And Tommy's is always my favorite place. A lot of favorite places. Johnny Depp Island, Arnold's Tiki Bar, Dive Bar, The Plaza, and Tommy's. Yeah, she just said I'm starting to sound like Bert Kreischer. It's the best. It's the absolute most, the hardest I've ever.

Oh, one time, ten times. Yes. But, yeah, it's been a good run. It's the best It's the absolute most The hardest I've ever Ten times Yes But yeah It's been a good It's been a good run So that's the A If you're coming out to Vegas That's your weekend

The 30th at the Dive Bar It's free Eight o'clock Come on down And then after is open mic And then on the 31st Obviously you'll have tickets Because you're already

Going to be out there For Doug Sam's show At the Plaza And then on the 1st The brand new year when you told yourself you weren't going to do this, go out and drink. Do it right away. Go out and drink. Get fat. 7 o'clock.

Don't exercise. 7 o'clock. Do everything. We started. We were going to be in the patio. Get a poster made just for that Tommy Rocker show. You're already out. Oh, I was going to say the Broken Resolutions Tour the broken resolutions tour oh that's break all your resolutions one day even better than the hangover fucking tour

that's great so yes we're gonna be doing that and uh thank you for all anyone coming out to vegas thanks for supporting the podcast and doug stanhope and the plaza because they need it. Allegedly, I'll be there from the 29th to the 2nd. So, yeah, I'll be hanging around at that one bar at the plaza. You know where to find me. I don't travel much. I don't care to explore. You're probably best off searching between the venue and the roulette.

Yeah. No, I'm not fucking gambling. If you don't see Doug between the venue and roulette, he's not in the building. I'll tell you where I won't be. Any Caesars Palace property because I am still banned for life from every Caesars Palace property except for Tunica, Mississippi for some reason. I wish I had more time to delve into the why of all that. But one of you super sleuths can figure it out. Get a lawyer.

We used to have killer termites that would do due diligence and deep fucking. Are you putting the word out? Yeah, fuck you. All right. Yeah, I just want to know what the fuck I'm banned for. Yeah. Fine. Delve into why Doug is not allowed.

No, don't do a retaliatory thing. I know that you know how to do this already. I know who I'm talking to. There's a couple guys that have done some sleuth work for me. Yeah, figure that shit out. Because back then, I was still trying to write a fucking book that i'm not writing and i thought i don't have time for this and all i had was time sitting staring at a goddamn computer for months on end i had nothing but time no more books after

this but i'll make this one good. Alright, back to the podcast. Tracy, is rum and coke very different from a Sailor Jerry's coke? Yeah, it's because Sailor Jerry's is spiced rum. No, no, I mean alcohol-wise. Yeah, Sailor Jerry's is like 9.3. Is what? 90 or 99.3. Alright, so what's rum? Are we back? Bacardi's is like 151.

You're talking into the mic, but you didn't say we're back. I said, hold on. I put my earphones in, and then we're ready to go. But you weren't professional and say... We're back! But what were you saying to Tracy? You're drinking like a lot. There's a heavy pour here,

and I'm not talking about the rain. I always do a bottle beer until I know the joint. And yeah, because sometimes you don't... their glasses and you're like, no. But this place is good. This is Arnold's. I'm okay with it. Yeah.

I started ordering double talls of sailor gin. You're good. Yeah. You're fine. Liquor always has priority over podcasts. Kegs coming through. Yeah, I decided we needed to ramp this up because I don't want to sit and drink seven beers. So I did two of these.

Yeah, with the bathroom upstairs. You need to take those stairs every time you want to get rid of a beer. Got to get your steps. You didn't see that guy with two kegs coming through going upstairs, did you? two kegs coming through going upstairs did you all right the the bright spot of this uh laptop free vacation other than not having to write are you having fun yeah well this there's a lot of hours to fill in a day when you're not writing or online or editing. And this book shows up at my house just before I leave. And I assume it's a fan

that knows we're going to Honolulu. And it's Jack Handy. The title of the book is The Stench of Honolulu. Who's Jack Handy? Jack Handy, you might remember from Saturday Night Live. And Deep Thoughts with Jack.

It was just a bumper going in and out of commercial. And yeah, it's just it was like the daily negations that it's like it's like a weirder version of Chad Shank's Monday Motivations is his deep thoughts. And he's published a lot of books of his deep thoughts. They're just one-liners. You can look them up online. But this is an actual book with a storyline, but it's still a bunch of absurdist humor. And every fucking sentence, practically, is hilarious.

And no idea who sent it or why and uh i took a picture of it and i tweeted it i go i don't know who sent this to me but it got here just in time to be on this trip to honolulu so thank you it's hilarious and then i get all caps from brendan wals. I told you two times I said to you that book. It's the funniest thing I've ever read. We had this conversation. I don't know. So thank you, Brendan Walsh.

At first, I was reading it. And again, it's absurd, like the deep thoughts from Jack Handy. But I go, I have to read it in that voice of Jack Handy. Yeah, that slow, motivational speaker, inspirational. Like if you were going to get a massage, that would be the warm-up to getting a massage. Yeah. But then I started reading it as mitch headberg because so much of the humor is headberg-esque headbergian so

so you're gonna read a passage i'm gonna i'm gonna read a passage an example doug of what you just said yes while don was finishing, I was busy naming ants. I hope if I ever get reincarnated, I can make a deal where I come back as a million ants. That way, even if I get stepped on or attacked by an anteater, I don't care. Because there's lots more of me where that came from. I hope if I ever get reincarnated, I can make a deal where I come back as a million ants. That way, even if I get stepped on or attacked by an ant eater, I don't care because there's lots more of me where that came from.

As you go through this entire book, and there's a fucking million headbergs. There's a million headbergs. There's one. I don't have it. There's a million headbergs. I love that. I didn't have it bookmarked, but there's one where he said, I used to dream of building the longest expansion bridge. Yeah, suspension. I used to dream of building the longest suspension bridge on earth,

and then I found out someone already did that. This is Eddie and the Cruisers. Mitch Hedberg is alive, riding as Jack Handy. Here we go. The more you flip something like a pancake, the more flippable it becomes. Absolutely. You know, it's not only Mitch Hedberg again. It is true.

If Superman ever visited Tarzan, at first they'd get along. But then Superman would finally have to say, how can you live like this? And this coming from a guy who lived in the Fortress of Solitude. If you put your shoes on the wrong feet and walk around, eventually you will split in half. Can I try one? Yeah, go ahead. Let me do one.

Let me channel my head, Bergie. Just give me the shortest one. I can barely read right now. Yeah, the last one on page 75. There you go. Read it to yourself first. Pre-read it? The best thing about going to outer space

is being able to go to a party and say i've been to outer space where you been it works it totally works the book is called the stench of honolulu and brendan wallace you're right is one of the funniest things I've ever read. It's simple. You don't have to invest in this book. It's wide-spaced. I've read an entire chapter to bingo in basically a minute. It's that fucking good. But it's one of those things like you just want to be doing something, like reading, like a summer read, like I said.

It is one of those things where you just want to chill hang out well i usually read things that i hope will somehow work their way into my act which is usually non-fiction heavy angry ugly something that makes you mad and motivated. You know, prison system shit. There you go. Okay. We read the book about how to ruin a record label. You read that?

Yeah. That wasn't, did that make you mad? Okay, well, that would be, again, nonfiction documentary. I'm interested in that. Great book, by the way. I forget the one that we read in Costa Rica that was fiction, and it was about a black guy trying to buy slaves. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Changed the 14th Amendment or something. God damn it.

And I forget who recommended it, too. Sorry, I forget a lot of things. What book was that? That was... I remember I made you read the Ford, which was the Ford, or introduction was like 24 pages. And if you read that,

and you're like, I'm reading this fucking old book without leaving. You gave me that book. I brought it home, and I almost grabbed it to bring out here. And I did... So good. Yeah.

But other than that, I can't think of fiction that I've read unless it was, like, classic stuff. I've read a few classics. Just, yeah. But this was necessary because I was getting into a place, and it's still going to get into a place, where the book gets way too heavy. And I go, oh, I need to focus. I got to get into a place where the book gets way too heavy and i go oh i i need to focus i gotta get my spirits up and oh okay funny can go into this book too i mean there's the place i am in the book so how are you doing with your writing because you i'm not okay let's not talk about it until we're back from Hawaii. I want to talk about it because, honestly, you left right before Thanksgiving,

and I'm all for you follow your bliss. You have to fucking blow off steam sometimes to get to where you need to go. I'm totally for that. That's why I have my nails done. And then you purposely left your charger in Tucson. No, I did not purposely leave it. You have a deadline, and everyone knows that. Yeah.

We're very aware of that. It's getting deader and deader. How do you feel about that? How do you feel about that? I feel like you've had too many fucking triple fucking rum and cokes. And it's only 10 afternoon. Oh, my God fucking rum and cokes. It's only 10 afternoon. Oh, my God. It's so awesome.

It's so awesome. I'm going to get a bigger going like, oh, that's it. You're doing eggs and things. I'm fucking barbecue. No, she called it eggs and stuff. Call it eggs and shit. That's down the street. These girls don't know what a microphone is.

So, Doug. It's all right. She had her mouth full when she said it. You don't want her to have a microphone. So, but you're comfortable with your deadline, right?

Yeah, I'm here. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing. Yeah, we got this. I wrote a line on the notepad that's a bookmark for a Jack Handy, Mitch Hedberg. In a book that you just uploaded. Yeah, so I wrote a line on the notepad that's a bookmark for a Jack Handy Mitch Hedberg in a book that you just

no I wrote a line about that for the book I go here's a line that will go in the book everything you do until you get your deadline I support all you have to do is make up excuses to everybody for why I'm not there for the special thing

everyone's got a special thing or they're in town for a limited time only. You're leaving the day after your two shows in Honolulu. I was thinking I hope it doesn't get to a place where I have to fly and meet you in Vegas rather than drive with you. But that might be the case. We'll see. That might be. God damn it. We get out of here. So I have the 16th to the 29th.

For the most part. But what I have a problem with is I get, alright, this is kind of a good chunk. It just needs to be at four in the morning where almost every word has the red

squiggly underneath because I've been so many typos. I'm like, fuck it. I'll clean it up tomorrow. I'm going to have to go back and fix all of that stuff. You read a bunch of shit to... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You read a edit, radio edit.

You read a bunch of things to Johnny. No, I'm not. You read a bunch of things to Johnny. You read a bunch of things. Bunch of... Fuck. Yeah, I know. I was going to wrap up after Jack Handy. I thought we had a nice three...

No, I'm plugging you on this one. Not literally. You read some things to Johnny. What did you think of what you read him? Well, what's he going to say? Well, that's what I want to know. What did you think of what you read him? Well, what's he going to say? Well, that's what I want to know. What did he say? I read pieces that I knew were good.

Like, that's not what I have to work on. The shit I know is good. I've read you stuff that I knew was good because it's about you. What are you going to say? Oh, yeah. Very comfortable. Well, you shucks it.

Yes. Because it was all positive. Well, but this isn't a positive book. It's the real life. It kind of is. It's kind of working out to be that way. It is a positive book. Well, it ends well.

Well, she's standing over there. Yep. Right back to retarded right where she started. Eggs and stuff. Eggs and stuff. Eggs and stuff. All right. You got anything else? No, fuck this.

Let's go. I'm sorry I tried to get some information out of you. Yeah, no, we closed on Jack Handy. No, we didn't. We're going to. Don't read the foreword no I found this the jacket cover yeah it doesn't

yeah this is this is one of the great lines it doesn't work Hedberg I think the ruins were impressive but like so many civilizations they forgot the rule

that might have saved them don't let don't let vines grow all over you. That's true. That's so true. If you've ever been anywhere. All right.

Let's go talk to these broads at the bar. Dude. Thank you, Arnold's Beach Bar Tiki Lounge. Thank you, Don. You can turn the popcorn machine on now. And the Christmas music. Thanks for not having any customers while we're in here.

Fuck up our podcast. They put a sign out front that said live podcast in progress. Hey, bingo. Bingo, you can get us out of here live. Okay, tonight I'm just Okay, bye-bye now. Oh, shit. I stopped it. Should I have done that?

Oh my God. Wait. Wrong end, by the way, for the microphone. Bye-bye now. Thank you.