The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#345: A Very Bisbee Christmas

Episode Date: December 27, 2019

Doug is finally back in Bisbee for a Christmas podcast about acid residue, seroquel dreaming and tea-baggin' toddlers. The clip at the end is the first part of Doug's Dec 13th set at the Blue Note in Honolulu, Hawaii.Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast and have direct access to the podcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded Dec. 25th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Raider Dave, CastleRockKenny (@cstlrckkenny), bingo and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by Join Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool - https://www.dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/The ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast with Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille - New episode every Friday and only available on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHhpCYwNEGcS_DA7VjG4DwLINKS -Chad has a holiday movie suggestion, “RARE EXPORTS” from Finland.Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.orgClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast on Christmas it's a Christmas podcast welcome to a very echoey podcast wearing the Tracy's wearing the dog thing. Isn't that for a chihuahua or something? No, it was for Henry Goldstein for a minute. It's Christmassy. Everyone's Christmassy. Except for me.

And the other people who aren't. I'm not. I think three of them are. That was a lie. That's a huge lie. I'm wearing Bisbee colors. All right, tell us a story, Joby. Oh, yeah.

So Doug Stanhope, in his fashion years ago, grabs Bingo and I and says, hey, I want you to watch a movie. It's called Requiem for a Dream. And it's a great movie. So he sits us down and we watch it are we doing drugs yeah we're on so i don't know what we're on but we're on something but uh so uh we yeah we sit down and and you know okay the first you know 15 20 minutes it's not

too bad and then then it starts turning dark and doug keeps telling bingo and i oh it gets better don't worry it gets better and then another 20 minutes later when it gets even darker oh don't worry it gets better like the ending is like amazing it's everything's gonna work out just fine if you haven't seen requiem for a dream it is the darkest most horrific movie of it's it's so bad like it's the worst like dark heroin junkie yeah fucking going down that black hole yeah i did the same thing to my brother and his wife yeah with requiem yeah all in their big the three of us in their big king-size bed back in the day yeah well i well, I realize when you sang, oh, it gets better, it gets better. That's like a template for our friendship over the years.

Or if you remember it. I've held on this long. I might as well hold on a little more. I remember at the end of it, she was mortified. Like, speechless jaw opened the entire movie. And as the credits ran in absolute abject silence in the bedroom I said

it was funnier the first time that movie leaves a mark yeah it does I wanted to shower it endures Hedberg a lot because at the end spoiler alert for a fucking movie from 1993. But yeah, when they fucking saw off his, I guess it was his arm. But yeah, Hedberg almost lost a leg in that same situation getting busted for dope and they found a gangrenous leg.

Yeah, Christmas. Yeah, Christmas. Yay, Christmas. Christmas colors. I try to remember what we've done with every Christmas. New Year's

are more memorable because I know Do you remember the Christmas where Impractical Jokers sent all the vodka? Yeah, 2016. Yeah, that was 2016.

And we sat here and unpacked what? Fucking cases. Impractical Jokers sent all the vodka. Yeah, 2016. Yeah, that was 2016. And we sat here and unpacked, what, fucking cases, like 50 cases of those. I remember that. It was over 200 bottles. Yeah. We had them all up there on the stage. Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah, that was a good Christmas. Yeah, a good one.

Yeah, we used to do that. We'd periscope, and then before that, we'd Skype fans. That was mostly New Year's. New Year's, we used to do that. We'd periscope and then before that we'd Skype fans. That was mostly New Year's. We'd Skype people. Yeah, it was fun. This is the least memorable fucking Christmas I've had. I love it.

You came home and cleaned your house. Yeah. That's not very festive. It is fucking. It is. As little as I've been in that house yeah yeah i had a fucking blast your thrift store has got a fucking an entire room in there it's going to your thrift store yeah we need it joe b's running your thrift store bisbee's premiere and possibly only thrift store no It's open, right? Yeah. Absolutely.

He said Joby's running it. Did you assume that it wasn't open? That's a good assumption. I just got back into town. Bingo wants to do volunteer work down there. She's going to work Dots Diner and your place for free. I would love to have Bingo at the thrift store. Then she mixes it up and starts giving away everything at Dot's Diner.

I've already put articles of clothing aside for you, but I know that you want. Yeah, you got a ton of shit coming, and I haven't even hit the closet yet. But yeah, I'm going to do some shifts down there. Hell yeah. Cherry picket absolutely well yeah so you know 50 off for volunteers that's uh 14 years we've been here

and not once have i found a fucking good vintage sport jacket there none zero so keep an eye out okay yeah we've got a bunch of jackets in now lately. Chad Chang's on acid. He's trying to hold it together. I'm on residuals of acid. I'm not on acid anymore. I can feel you squeezing the bar from over here. The formica is bending. It's hot as 30 fat guys in here, too.

Not like I think fat guys are hot. I mean, just like if we had 30 fat guys in here too not like i think fat guys are hot i mean just like if we had 30 fat guys in here it would be hot maybe i do i don't know were you tripping on your twitch stream no he did it right afterwards i don't know why i don't know why i did it it was just sitting there and i'm drunk i'm like i'm gonna eat acid and that's good fucking idea, Chad. Then I went inside and I ate about a pound of popcorn, which I then later projectile vomited in a almost like a popcorn ball, but it was a popcorn tube.

It was all solid one popcorn at that point. Jenny said the only reason she didn't kick him out of bed is because she was cold. Yeah, it was a good stream, though. That was a five-hour marathon. I'm too old for hallucinogens. I've recognized that.

I told these guys this morning, I said, I used to do hallucinogens and it would help me resolve some shitty aspect of myself. And then now, my shittiness just overrides the drug, and I just have to sit there even more hyper-aware of what I am the whole time. Like, oh, you're not fixing anything. Yeah, you're bringing up new shit.

Yeah, you're finding new stuff that's wrong. I did that, yeah, last time I tripped here. I did the same thing. I was drunk and I had mushrooms. Why not? And then fuck. Was that when you sent me the gay ass email? Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that was the one. Oh, that's archived. It's in the book. I knew that must be a bad one because he texted me and said, I just sent Joby a gay-ass email. Not even a text. An email. A crack lighter.

I got this fucking crack lighter where you can't tell if the flame is there until it fucking hits your eyelashes. I have a fucking Hawaii lighter that I had to buy, I guess. I bought it for you. Oh, fucking, it's got this price tag on it. $9. $8.99 for a fucking lighter. That's Hawaiian dollars, though.

Yeah. That's not real money. Oh, wait. We kept saying, oh, it's our least favorite country. That's good well when he he actually worked on an opening bit for Hawaii in the middle of Waikiki

and all these people are there a lot of fans of Doug's are there and he basically just berated all of them about how shitty Waikiki was and i thought it wasn't gonna go well but then i thought wait tourists won't get it and the people that came out from everywhere else in hawaii to waikiki know how to play that yeah i could play that all right but it was very funny because i didn't know if it was gonna be like they're gonna swell with

pride and like fucking lynch him right there but they were all fucking totally on board it was fucking hilarious you want to play that at the end? Play it at the end. Got it. Yeah, none of that's keeper material. They don't throw tomatoes in Hawaii. They throw spam and coconuts. Spam and coconuts.

I had a dream about Chaley. Joby and I have the Seroquel. Yeah. Sparingly, but occasionally a Seroquel sleep. And I had the most, the 13 hours of the most lucid dreaming ever. Get up to piss, go back into the same dream, knowing I would get right back to where I was. And we were, I was playing on a beach, so I'm sure it was Hawaii-infused. I was playing at this surf line to the entire beach.

You're a stick figure, and Chaley was dragging a toilet, and he thought that would be a funny thing to have my drink set on. That's his one job. Don't forget the stool for my drink. I stand by it. I stand by it, even though it's a dream. I still think it'd be fucking great. Yeah, I go, I'm not dragging a fucking 40-pound toilet 80 yards out through the sand.

Even in his dream state, you're still working. Yes. I thought it'd be funny. Hedberg was opening. He wasn't doing well. Puked on the bar and passed out in my own vomit. It's a good dream. It goes on. I won passed out in my own vomit. It's a good dream. It goes on.

I won't bore you with the details. Seroquel, is that... It's like Ambien, or is it more than Ambien? Bingo showed up with it when she was psychotic. It's anti-psychotic. Oh, wow.

I've been on that one before. That is fucking psychotic in my sleep. Yeah. Yeah, Bingo showed up with it when she first came here. I can't imagine doing that once a day. Awake. Awake, yeah, yeah.

Because even going to sleep on it, which is great, because I'll sleep for six hours, eight hours straight, which I never do. But it sticks with you the next day. Like, you're hanging on to it. Well, I sleep 13, 14 hours on it. So it's the part you're awake for to it it's well that's i sleep you know 13 14 hours on it so it's yeah the part you're awake for that stays with you i've it's not through i'm telling chile his ideas are stupid while i'm playing to a fucking prison that's at the other side of the beach i had that one prescribed to me before and that's what jenny didn't like it because

she could never wake me up like nothing could wake me up yeah other than that i don't think we have any other hawaii stories oh what uh the return uh your flight well i got drunk and listened to the last podcast and i don't remember but then later because i couldn't figure out where my fucking pajama pants went. And then I listened to the podcast. I went, oh, those are the ones I sharted and left on the hood of my car at the airport. And they weren't on the hood of my car, so I had no reason to remember that

until I listened to the podcast drunk, and I went, oh, hey, this podcast is informational that's where i when i left you you were uh about nine hours away from having to go to the airport it was after the gig on saturday night and of course you leave right first thing sunday morning i'm at the airport early and doug doug finished the set set on Saturday night and then went out front and just hung out with people out on the street, right? Which was really fucking cool. We're not selling merch.

Yeah, but it was very cool. Then we get back up to his room and I'm like, come on, this is ridiculous. It's going to be passed out. He's holding one eye just so he can see who's talking in the room. Yeah. And he goes,

I'm done. I'm, I'm, we're going to the airport in the morning. It because I'm getting up at six. Cause I got to take meds. So I go, do you need me to,

to like set an alarm? No, no, we're, we're covering his eye. We're fine. We're fine. Then I find out you got,

you got up after a couple hours and went like hours early to the airport to watch football. And you were still stinking drunk when you left the hotel. You texted me and we talked. Yes. I was going to ask Bingo if we have any good stories from the flight home, but evidently I wouldn't remember them. Uh-oh. Get over here. I just want to hear about your tour no we already talked about that on the last podcast yeah but uh yeah the hawaii we went

to the sky club and watched it's fucking eight o'clock in the morning football starts there yeah well it's three hours different from Hawaii football. Yeah. But, oh, you know what? We did, that day that we met my friend on the beach, Jill, she came down

and I know you probably don't remember much. Oh, is that the Mancini? Yes. So Doug, we're on this fucking one of the most

crowded parts of Waikiki Beach. It's not quite sunset, but people are amassing out there because they're taking catamarans out. They're out in front of Duke's, which is the outrigger right there in the fucking heart of Waikiki.

If it was New Year's Eve, that's where the ball drops on the beach. And we're taking video of Doug and he's jumping up and down. He's got like a collar shirt on and shorts that then slip down as he's jumping up and down. He's got a collar shirt on and shorts that then slip down as he's jumping up and down to reveal a nice fucking G-string mankini. And not to stop there, he goes, hold on.

Let's get a picture of me running into the ocean. So we've got footage. I have great ideas when I'm drinking. This was supposed to be a Patreon special video and there's Doug. We lost people. We do a take two and Doug

jumps up and down again and then runs into the water with just his mankini thing on and I'm going back to him later that night. I'm going, I guess we could put this up and I'm looking at him going, I can't fucking put this online. There's kids and stuff. Like families have saved up their lives.

All over. He's walking through them. He's walking through them. Teabagging toddlers. Step over there. Teabagging toddlers. So that's not going anywhere. That's a title of my song.

It's band name. I think that's a Ray Stevens song. Woo! Look at that! Look at that! I've been eating since. I've been eating since I had fun Then you left

Then you left Yeah what did you do The whole time Nothing Why I get a lot of Text messages from you Going oh the Chaley's Are drunk

It's so nice When you don't have Responsibilities And you can let loose I was supposed to do A bunch of stuff But I ended up Not doing anything Seriously Not i mean other than the podcast and some patreon stuff that was it

and uh that means i got a lot to do this week before vegas but yeah you you wound up at uh arnold's a lot a couple times yeah i got tracy text we're at arnold yeah we went this beach bar is fantastic and that's what we did last podcast at 10 in the morning they don't open till 10 30 dawn lets us in we set up she doesn't give a fuck we're gonna be so i'll turn all that i'll turn everything off in here you guys can do whatever like no we want the background noise it'd be fun and uh then we went back another time that was during the day we're like the only guy the one gal came in who's a friend of hers and another guy came in to deliver liquor so we're not really disrupting business right then we go back we walked back

after the friday night show to meet hennigan there and it's jam fucking packed with people every place we just walk in and turn fucking walk right out yeah it's just it's uh it's it's not our style when it's when it's packed like that no no i was just i was listening to a 2016 podcast i listened to daytona which i have no memories of 2016 and we were talking about that how we were like going trying to find bars but it was spring break and we were just ditching everybody that was actually going to go into that fucking place. I remember that. I only remember it because I listened to it on a podcast. Now that you say it, I remember because it was whenever I was still,

I didn't go a lot of places with you guys by then. I don't think, you know, this was still one of the first places I think I went with you guys far away. Yeah, we could finally trust you again and not kill us. I was so fucking grateful because I knew I was with my crowd because we all cut off from the crowd at the same time and ditched like through an alley to get back to the motel and just let everybody else go to the club. Nobody had to say a word. We all had the same fucking idea. That was the work. That quick eye contact, everyone.

Just nod, nod, zip. Like that Three Stooges thing. Whoever wants to volunteer, step forward. And the other two step back and leave fucking Larry out front. That's what we did. But it was kind of like that. Not a fan.

It was a great fucking room. The shows were great. Yeah. Yeah. But otherwise, I was just smoking on my lanai. I thought you were very well received for a place that you had disdain for. I mean, it was obvious. Well, I sell disdain. Yeah, I know. It's your brand.

Yeah. But yeah, I think they're going to start doing more comedy there too, which is really cool because one of the owners is not really a fan of jazz, as it turns out. It's a huge jazz room. It's the blue nude. Yeah. But it's fucking beautiful.

Yeah, yeah. Piano on the stage. We had one guy on the Saturday night that was so drunk, he was yelling out during the show, and then finally we had someone from the staff come over and, hey, man, you got to keep it down. But he was yelling. I don't know what he was yelling.

I just would always notice. Sorry, I didn't remember what the place looked like until I just said piano on the stage. I just remember whether I liked it or not. Now I can see it. All right. Now I'm back to the blue note. So he was stage left or stage right for you.

And he's like in the, there's tables that come off from the stage like back, right? So he's sitting there in like the front or like behind one person can't miss him right he's you see him lit up and uh behind him is his girlfriend or the embarrassed woman that was with him and he kept yelling something but it didn't really make sense i didn't catch it because he's back for a while then i come out and chase all we got a problem and then finally they get him to shut up that That's exactly how Tracy talks to Margo.

So after a while, he calmed down a little bit because the people around him and the Henning and I are standing over by the stage to look. And I'm thinking it's another guy. I'm like so close to getting this other guy yanked out of there. Cause he keeps looking at me, but I think he's looking at me telling me no, but I'm thinking it's him.

He's sitting next to the guy that's, that's yelling. So I go back and I go, I think he's going to calm down. And then I realized, are those his feet up on the stage? He has his fucking flip-flop fucking feet up on the stage. And I go, hold on, he's

asleep. We're not kicking him out. If I could have turned the volume down to get through the show to make sure he wouldn't have woken up, I would have done it. But I told Hennigan, I go, I think we just let it go because I think he's passed out because this is one of the

drinking in the afternoon Mai Tais and whiskey and all this. Because it's not making sense, anything he does. We're 10 minutes from the end of the show and he fucking wakes up god damn it and it was like god it was so close and even the staff was like like i think we're gonna make it and then it was like ah fuck and then they finally have to to like go to the table and tell him hey what do you you're done you guys are out here the girl goes can we get our

tab yeah you're getting you guys and then you got to leave she goes oh i'm leaving him like she's she goes i'm going to the bathroom i'm not coming back in i'm not so she just left him there paid the tab and then he just wouldn't leave and then the sound man uncle uncle uh v comes over there and he's like this older musician but he's seen it all right he's like hey brother come on we just come seen it all, right? He's like, hey, brother, come on. We just, come on. We're just going to. Then he won't. The guy stands in the back of the room in front of the people in the booths, and he just won't leave going, what?

What's the problem? Then they finally bring him over towards the exit, which is over by where the whole room would clear out that way, right? And I got a light, and I'm shining it going this way, hoping that the drunk guy will focus on the light. And looks at me and goes i didn't do nothing his eyes were crossed he was so fucking drunk and i'm like this guy really thinks he either a help the show or he's just listening attentively why you it's not a bus bench i can sleep here yeah i usually don't like the feet on this usually don't like the feet on the stage,

but this time he got a pass as long as he was snoring. Great. Tom Konopka just walked into the room. Hey! It's Tommy K. Tommy K. The gang's all here. How you doing, man?

What's up, K? I couldn't see shit. I was just happy to remember my act. You were having fun, though. The Saturday night show was fun because the World War II guy or the Vietnam guy sitting in the front row. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was really good.

Sorry, a little inside, but. It's all right. Trying to remember you things here. I still remember you dragging a toilet on the beach. That wasn't real. That's reality. Well, maybe it is real. Maybe our nighttime is our reality. I'm worried about it. I'm sweating this 20 minutes.

Is it about that time? Roughly. Roughly. Is it roughly that time? Don't make it be one of those things. Yeah, yeah. We're good. Alright. That's close enough. We'll be right back after these messages slash thank you slash whatever. A generation earlier, like my folks, my folks generation, they were using that scam so they could storm Normandy. So they could storm Normandy.

Fake ID. So they could serve their country. And get wiped out. I stormed the mini mart. With the same confidence. That Paps went out there. At Normandy with. With better results. With about the same chance of success.

Yeah. Cold beer. Cold shakes, I'm going. Hey, everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in. If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Iss with andy on youtube every friday and yeah well you keep listening and watching or however you do it and we'll keep shitting she will keep shitting con i mean shitting content and that's what we do we'll polish it up and call it a turd

you can shit on it if you hate it and love it yeah thanks for watching and shit and uh check us every friday issues with andy on youtube what what do we have to do chaleyaley? A podcast. Oh, you said to wait. I already did a podcast. I want to get the intro. The stinger that I used to get back in. The stinger. Yeah.

I love the fucking parlance of Chaley. We're back. We are back. We're back. A blast for some thank yous? Yeah. Zach from the band The Parking Lot sent a CD. I haven't listened to it.

I have to figure out which fucking car still has a CD player because they don't put them in anymore. Hold on. Hey. Suburban has one. Suburban. Okay. All right. We'll put it on the. Hold on. Hey. Suburban has one. Suburban. Okay. All right.

We'll put it on the drive to Vegas. We're driving. Road trip. So, yeah, we'll give you three shots. No, actually, it'll be four of us. So everyone gets to pick a track. And then we throw it out the window. I used to do that.

People would give me CDs at the merch booth and I'd listen to three tracks. If I didn't like it, I'd just chuck it out the window. Like that scene in Anchorman when they just litter in the park because it was so 1970s. I love littering. We used to drink beer while we were driving around when we were kids and try to huck them at the signs.

Yep. Try to wing them up and bust them. J.T. Habersat. J.T. I know that guy. This sent the first gift he's ever sent me that didn't go directly into the eBay yard sale. Oh, bingo.

Will you go? Do you know? Fuck. This is mean, but... That's where you stop. When you say, this is mean, and then you say, I'll tell you later. It's in the tub.

It's the eBay yard sale tub under your thrift store table. You'll know. Well, what do you want me to get... It's in the parlor. Yeah, you weren't here. Oh, goddammit. A drink, please? Can I get a drink?

It's so mean. I like mean. I know, it's... Alright, so JT, thank you. He sent this... What's it called? Charlie the Bartender. I like mean. I know. All right. So, JT, thank you. He sent this. What's it called? Charlie the Bartender.

It's some 1960s. Charlie Weaver. Bartender. It's a guy. It's an animatronic kind of bartender. Animatronic? You mean a toy? It's like a toy.

It's like a wind-up toy. And it shakes a jigger of something at a bar, and it's like an old bar. I guess that's what kids played with in 1966. Before Prohibition. Before Prohibition. It's a cigarette roller underneath. For the kids.

Just for the kids. Fulton sent us some stickers. I don't get them. Maybe you... We'll take any stickers because we've got plenty of trash cans to put them on. There's a bunch of shades. I just threw a bunch away. I guess I should have brought them over here. Fred Norton

sent Elvis shades if you want. They're right here. You want to do Elvis shades for Vegas? I know someone who'll wear them. Carney sent, he's the one who sent you $2. He also sent me a Caesar's Palace medallion for around my neck to wear in Vegas. Those are sharp, man. Look at that.

I can't pull off ironic stupid. I'm more of a regular stupid. That looks good on you. My first thought was you wearing those in Vegas and then someone treating you like you're a fucking clown because only a clown would wear fucking Elvis

shades on New Year's Eve in Vegas and then thinking you're a goof and then you beating the fuck out of him just because I'm a goof. That doesn't mean I won't beat the fuck out of him. I'll be goofy in more subtle ways. Those are for Andy. Those are totally Andy.

Those are Andy Andrews' gloves. Oh, good. Big O loves the gift that I just made her go take out of the eBay yard sale tub. I'm going to keep it. It's Jet Lacey, a good friend of ours here in town, brought presents by and one of them is a picture of Ichabod.

Now, Joby explained the catchphrase, which I didn't get at all. It looks like a Polaroid picture, but he puts so much time into this and it says Ichabod with a picture of a dead dog. And it says, where is dot, dot, dot.

It doesn't have a picture of the dead dog. Hold on. The dog that's now dead. People can't see this. But it's like taped on. But I didn't understand. When I threw Ichabod into the death pool database, I looked up the name Ichabod and what it meant.

And Ichabod means without glory. So that's what I threw on his bio on the Death Pool database. That's how much time Joby puts into Celebrity Death Pool. Those are deep cuts. Jesus. Bingo loves it. I was going to goof on you, Jet Lacey. You probably don't even listen to this,

but when someone puts so much time and work into that, I mean, he's got the wooden letters cut out to make Ichabod and each painted a different color. Where am I going to put that? Yeah, where? Where in this

total fucking mishmash place of everything on the wall? That looks ridiculous. I'm not going to put anything ridiculous up here. That would ruin the tone of your fucking multi-hitter house. There is no place to put this, actually. It's room is what you're looking for.

Not in here. Yeah. But I mean, I have so many signs and shit that when I ever get around to decorating the new edition. Yeah. That's not going to be a focal point. It just makes me more depressed when I see stuff like that. Because I'm like, I can't devote enough time to things I should be doing. Let alone something like that.

That's just dumb. You have a hobby? Hell yeah. How do you have a hobby? Well, that leads me to the next. Thank you, Lena G. If I'm pronouncing it correctly, Lina G.

She's from the UK. You might know her. She penned Bingo's latest hit. Nice. I like your toes. I like your toes. My little storybook boy. I like your toes. I like your toes. My little storybook boy. I like your toes.

I like your toes. She's listening. She's what? Yeah, so she said a bunch of little things, but she said in the card she said, sorry if I over-wrapped everything,

but it makes me feel like I have more friends. Oh, Chad the Chipmunk. Did you get Chad the Chipmunk yet? I got one Christmas card. Where's Chad the Chipmunk? Chaley, I had everything laid out there. I didn't really understand.

He has one fucking job. No, it's the big Chipmunk. It's the orange. I didn't see. Oh, this thing? No, not. Dog toy an orange. I didn't see. Oh, this thing? No, not. Dog toy? Yeah.

Dog toy? Well, it's Chad the chipmunk. I'm sorry, Chad. I didn't realize the dog toy was obviously for you. That makes complete sense. It says Chad the chipmunk on it. Who else? It's not fucking.

It does. Doug the dog. Oh, that's gross. Yeah, it. Ooh, that's gross. Yeah, it's... That's really gross. And she sent us some chocolates, and she sent the book on bullshit, whoever wants it,

because I already have... Lena G, I already have that packed in my ditch bag. I packed a ditch bag last year. Just if I ever have to run, and I have the little on bullshit, that same book, because it's, yeah. If you're stuck somewhere in a rest area

waiting for the fucking helicopters to clear, that's something to read. And then she sent a second package with dog treats. It was a dog advent calendar. It's down there somewhere, and the treats are like for a chipmunk.

It's an advent calendar, and Henry all excited about it, and then they're little tiny fucking, they're like Muddy Bear sized dog treats, and that's not a Muddy Bear sized dog. How dare you? Did you want to read this one? This one has two pictures in it. Oh, that's not a muddy bear sized dog how dare you did you want to read this one this has two pictures in it of uh oh that's for chad well it says doug and chad well his wife's here i don't know if she's lenient on this kind of behavior oh no no that was uh uh i showed her the picture

that jt haversad actually took a picture of this is the's the first time I ever was asked by somebody to sign her breasts in Vegas. So Stan Hope signed one breast and I signed the other. That was funny. It's just a cleavage. You say, sign my tit. I'm signing my first name above the nipple and my last name under the nipple. Otherwise, you don't say, he signed my tits. He signed my chest.

Well, yeah, I guess that probably makes sense. I Otherwise, you don't say he signed my tits. He signed my chest. That probably makes sense. Did you notice here that Doug signed in Sharpie and Doug I think Chad used ballpoint pen. It does look like that. I don't give up my Sharpie to anybody. I think what it was is

that tit was sweatier than the other one and so my marker didn't stick. They do ruin. Stanhope got her all worked up. The ladies will tell you they always have one tit that's sweatier than the other. Maybe that's what happened.

Stanhope signed this one and fucked the pen all up and then handed it to me, and I got the last of the pen. I don't know. That was funny, though. It does ruin the pens. I didn't think that was funny. I don't know. That was funny, though. I didn't think that was funny.

Keith the envelope was a breath hour or something. This was just mail to someone who doesn't live here. You know when you move into a place, you'll get the mail for years of someone who used to live here. This was not a name. So I opened it.

Keith, that's very fucking funny. It was some property management place that was sending him a bill for damages for an apartment that he just evacuated. And it was a breakdown. So he evidently told them, this is my new address. Forwarding address? 212 Van Dyke Street. Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Oh, man.

Yes, send us more. And Christine sent Bingo and I socks. I don't know what else you guys have. You haven't. I was thinking today, when you get home, I haven't been home for a fucking month. I have sand from two different beaches in my bag different over eight time zones from each other but i thought

about all these people who send us shit and how much of it i forget and i just chuck under this shelf and i don't write down. Well, they thank us. They thank everyone for sending gifts, but they never mentioned me. Well, I forget sometimes. And I thought, well, in the future, maybe we'll say you won. Let's pick our favorite gifts and make you feel like a winner. pick our favorite gifts and make you feel like a winner

rather than we will announce everybody who sent us a fucking postcard, which is not going to happen. So I want to make you feel like you won a lottery by getting your name mentioned rather than they forgot me. It'll still just be the ones that get here right before the podcast.

Don't make any mistake. You're not going to win shit. It's just the most recent ones. Make sure it gets here the day before we decide randomly to do a podcast. Or send something four days in a row. Send the same thing multiple times maybe if you want to increase your odds. I don't really have the answers. The bigger the box, the better your odds. You've got a house full.

It's getting more christmasy i i honestly i only when i looked at my phone today i was just doing nothing or laundry and then i'd get a text message and i'd pick up my phone december 25th and i go oh fuck it's christmas repeatedly oh fuck it's christmas nothing's going on here uh yeah we got uh raider dave deb stocks stocks is here kenny castle rock kenny jen is here tom kanopka is here yep i don't know why you say that's nothing oh fuck this is uh this is like our we don't know but have parents that's nothing Oh fuck I picked up Doug this is like our We don't have parents This is our family Sorry everyone that he thinks it's nothing I raced here to be here with all of you

And he's shitting on you No I'm saying people are finally showing up Today during the day when I'm just sitting there Fucking alone in my pajama pants I'll say it this is the shittiest Having to be with your family I'd rather be all by myself.

I'm finally starting to feel normal. Raider Dave does an amazing impression of Castle Rock Kenny. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Come over here. You stay back because you're chewing on the microphone

take his place until he's done chewing I think the booze might have helped me yeah see always does that's it

the the booze became the problem and the solution all in the same moment better living through chemistry so what's going on here

do we have a script? Raider Dave does a Castle Rock. Hold on. Why don't you just ask Kenny? What do you want to do? Why don't you ask Kenny? Well, that's what I was going to do. Remember dueling Henry's?

Yeah. Mike fucking, I'm going to forget his name. Mike, we listened to his on Todd Glass's podcast. Kenny, get on a mic. We listened to it. It was on Todd Glass' podcast. Kenny, get on a mic. Mike fucking, god damn it.

He did the perfect Henry Phillips impression. So they had him and Henry on, so they would go ahead. Remember my advice, though, Dave, because you do do a great Kenny, but when you're doing it next to Kenny you sound too smart don't sound that smart or you're gonna give up you're gonna give it away I just wanted to make Kenny feel better we're gonna fuck with Kenny on this one

did you just apologize for fucking with Kenny it is Christmas, I guess. It's the season of giving. What was your favorite gift that you got this year, Kenny? Well, Doug, my favorite gift probably was that Derek came over and we watched Price is Right and we got stoned and we talked about being the mayor of Bisbee and he admitted that I would win. Other Kenny, what did you get for Christmas? What was your favorite gift? Well, uh...

Sounds smarter. Confused the listener. Well, uh, Doug, um... I got a house full of, uh, family. That's what I got for Christmas. Aww. Kenny's doing an impression of his impression of Kenny. I never knew how to be me until now.

This does make me want to tell you something real quick that I forgot all about, Zeno. Yesterday, before we did the Twitch stream, Kenny texted me. He's like, are you home? And I was like, yeah, stream kenny texted me he's like are you home and i'm like yeah i'm home and he's like i'm in the neighborhood is it cool if i stop by but i know that kenny has family that lives like right down the road from me oh so kenny comes in and he's telling me this story about i called it a baby daddy Christmas. I think it would be a hilarious movie. It's telling me how all these kids

have different parents and there's seven different families and everybody's segregating themselves in different rooms and it's all awkward. One of them wanted to fight Kenny. He had to come over to my house. So we pull in and we, well your whole family, me and Kristen, we all drove separately. fight Kenny. He had to come over to my house. So we pull in and

we, well your whole family, me and Kristen, we all drove separately. Seven cars. And we're going in the front door is their dad and I could see his face from the car, lip, what the fuck is this?

And I knew right away this was going to be a bad afternoon. I said, thanks for the warning. I go in, and he's sitting in the corner in the kitchen, staring out the window, cussing to his daughter, saying, why in the fuck am I even here? And how did the rest of Christmas wind up? Yeah, what happened next? All of it was fine.

I went over to Chad's, and Chad took me into his studio, and we played a little Twitch, and what was the question? No, no, no, I'm serious. What was the question? Anyway, vote Kenny for mayor. That is Kenny, number four, mayor. Do not vote for Derek, because all Derek wants to do is watch Price is Right and smoke weed, and I'm going to put a zip line over the lavender pit, and that is why I'm going to be mayor, and Derek is not.

Follow-up, other Kenny? Take your time. It's Christmas. We want to be here for Santa Claus getting shipped. Go Raiders. Go Raiders. Is Raider Dave a Raiders fan? Am I supposed to ask that?

Your real voice. It was my real voice. No, not especially. I don't know if that's something that was ingrained on you. When I was a kid, I was. Yeah. Yeah. But then we have to put away childish, childish things.

Am I getting drunk already? Oh yeah. Tracy's bartender. Oh, Tracy. I missed you. Not the Chaley as much as you. Cause I didn't need anything done. Although he dreamed of me

yeah you weren't in a dream apparently there's something going on there yeah wow 18 people in the funhouse and not a sound break let's break yeah I Need a cocktail.

James, have you ever used Eros Guide for hookers on the road? Eros Guide. That sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide. They have hookers in every major metropolitan area. So is this like Craigslist? It gives you pictures, tells you what they're into. Right, because I'm tired of going to Craigslist

and finding these skanky hookers. Is there a better place to go? Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. How much to just talk for three months? All right, I'll give you $250 an hour, but I get to live on your couch for a year and a half. And believe me, you'll be paying me that back.

Did you say no? I like what you did. I respect that. Can I do some laundry at your house? It's just this jacket and cap. All right, that's a plug from James Inman. And now back to the podcast, already sort of in progress. Hey, Chaley, is this eye still a wicked bloodshot? Yep.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's been like that since Hawaii. Because when you started doing the impression of me talking drunk with a fucking hand over my eye. Yeah, it's called pink eye. Well, it's just a wand. Did you have your shark pants when you were covering your eyebrows? Or did you not wash your hands after you cleaned off your shark pants? I don't know.

But, yeah, it's been fucking blood shots in Hawaii. Don't panic. Kenny's yelling shit from the background. One of the Kennys is yelling shit from the background. Raider was just filling us in on your Twitch stream, which is? Twitch.tv slash HD underscore fatty fatty or just go to my twitter that's why i asked did you have a lot of people last night for christmas eve because yeah we did our fan base are people who would be sitting alone fucking on twitch

looking for any kind of family and i i like to believe that we indulge a lot of those people yes it's definitely a weird thing uh twitch because it's not uh uh we we did so we had a we we had 16 average viewers it says here but i remember seeing about 35 as our high but we had 209 unique viewers because people hop in and then hang out for a few and then decide we're douchebags and hop out. But you've got one that wasn't even just wandered into your fucking Twitch. It was Star Wars weekend so we

were playing Star Wars and well actually we didn't play Star Wars. We just sat in the Star Wars fucking menu and talked and drank. We played for three and a half we streamed for like the Star Wars porn event was like three and a half. We streamed for like the Star Wars port of it was like three and a half hours. But we actually played, what, 30 minutes of Star Wars? If that.

And just talked the rest of the time. But we got so many viewers because it was Star Wars weekend. And that was the launch of. They're searching for anything Star Wars. Yeah, you guys are horrible at that Star Wars game. I watched you play one time. Yeah. I think Joby was good.

Joby's good. I'm a mess. Because he wants to be good. I've only played it like three or four times. You guys are horrible. Was it darts? That was Twitch?

Or was that just us fucking around? That's a Twitch stream. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. When you were fucking around, no, that was just they wanted to see you.

All right. Yeah, but I'm saying I put it on WhatsApp. Yeah, WhatsApp. No, that's not Twitch stream. All right. That, but I'm saying I put it on WhatsApp. Yeah, WhatsApp. No, that's not Twitch stream. All right. That wasn't. Yeah, we just streamed that one.

But we've streamed Dart Nights. Yeah, when we go play darts, we can just put it up on the phone and record it. I was so happy I stole a fucking dart for Joby because he started the league. And I thought you could pass it around like the pick in Bisbee. Oh, the winner, yeah. Yeah, everyone gets it. That's actually good. Okay, that's actually a good idea.

In Bisbee, there's the pick game. It's one of the oldest football rivalries, is Bisbee against Douglas, Arizona. And so the pick trophy goes to one team. Whoever wins the one matchup. Okay, so he brings me this dart from Johnny Depp's island he stole. You should have just stole all of them, by the way, because now there's just two darts.

There's one dart you gave me, but he embedded this dart in a cork. And me being me, like, okay, what kind of wine does this cork come from? And I Googled it. It's like a $600 to $800 bottle of wine. And he's like, oh, Johnny it it's like a you know six to eight hundred dollar bottle of wine he's like oh johnny depp's got a bucket of those i stole like five quarks like everyone wants a fucking dart is that the cork is worth more than the dart when joey first said you stole a dart i thought you stole like the dartboard that's what i thought that's where i'm going that's where i'm going with this because he's like thought you stole like the dartboard that's what i thought that's where i'm going that's

where i'm going with this because he's like did you actually get the dartboard because i thought i'm gonna have to make him a replacement dartboard and i'm like oh i i should have never said anything about the dart because now you're expecting a dartboard and i just show up with some fucking chintzy ass dart on i'm gonna make him a'm going to make him a dartboard. It's going to happen. Well, I think he'll care about it as much as he would care if Stan Hope stole his dartboard. He'd never know. He would just have people go, hey, that guy stole the dartboard. And they go, yeah, put another one up there.

Dartboard's gone. You'll get another one. Put another one on the dartboard and put it up. Yeah, Floyd sent me a thing that I sent to Johnny and he never got it. And it was one of the best fucking gifts ever. It was like a 1919 prostate massager that warmed up.

It came with a carrying case. Elmer Dinkelhausen from fucking somewhere. Like the most ridiculous mad magazine name of a guy in Wisconsin that had been mailed to. And I sent it and he never got it. And if he did, he wouldn't remember. Just like you. JT, ask me tomorrow about that fucking thing you sent me.

I don't remember. Well, the not remember thing is funny because you guys were drunk dialing people. So on Thanksgiving night, I get a phone call, and it's Stan Hope, and then all of a sudden, it's Johnny Depp. So I put on speaker, and I'm telling J.D. Angle, Stanhope and Johnny Depp are on the fucking floor. So we visit

for a little bit and talk shit like a drunk dial. And I do, it was funny because I do remember, the one thing I remember is that I made you guys laugh because it got all awkward silence for a few minutes. I go, well, I guess we're done. Everybody just started laughing. So I was like, that's fucking good.

And then you know how they say you never get a second chance to make a first impression? Well, I do. Because the next night my phone rings again and it's Stan Hope. And Stan Hope says, hey, when we were in LA, when we went up to Johnny's place, you didn't get to meet him that day, did you? And I was like, no, I didn't get to meet him. And then, well, it like no I didn't get to meet him and then well it's nice to meet you Jared or your Johnny Depp fucking pirate

coming through my phone and immediately I'm like well it's nice to meet you too it was also nice to meet you drunk fucks last night when you forgot that you fucking called me already it's nice to know that Johnny Depp is on the same level as him where he forgets everything oh he was reading me stories of shit that he read me the night before do you believe this is in the news hey dave raider work on your johnny depp hunter s thompson impression uh for the audio book because i don't know if we're gonna peg him down stand in him down. Stand in. Oh, shit.

Yeah, that was hilarious. And then the sad part was that both times I had, he brought up the same thing to me both times, which is something I get a lot. But he's like, you like that Wheeler Walker Jr.? I don't know how the fuck he talks. I'm like, I don't like that guy but everybody thinks I like that guy

and fake wrestling and it's annoying and I had to examine I'm like I had to be a dick I'm never a person that likes or dislikes I don't give a fuck one way or the other I'm like why do I dislike that and I had to analyze it

this wasn't even on acid this was just regular analyzing but I had to say this is he's like the this wasn't even on acid this was just regular analyzing but i had to say this is uh he's like larry the cable guy except for like nobody really fucks with him and uh you know he just like what's the other guy sturgill something that uh sturgill simpson is fucking great he's a he's a real artist yeah i confused the two yeah no willie walker jr is that one little jewish guy who acts like he's a redneck cowboy. Larry the Cable Guy kind of guy.

He does a Larry the Cable Guy routine. But I thought about it. I was like, you know, that's what really bothers me, and it's kind of funny that it does, is that I'm still identified with rednecks. So even though I don't feel like I am one anymore, but it's sad when I look at like my brethren and they all believe he's that guy like they're dumb they don't even know they don't even know he's larry the cable guy and they and i'm like you're duping people and it which is great i mean i'm not against duping

people so i had to really analyze it to see why but anyway i look like a douchebag both times because i had to be like i fucking hate that guy i should have just been like yeah he's all right i don't know it probably set off like the uh oh no well no i'll i'll show you one of his songs let me pull it up and then yeah oh then you have to listen to my song it's not a lot different than the fucking fun house well the good part of it was is that i knew immediately that uh neither one of you would remember any of it so you waited on the third night for another call no shit off my back i don't give a fuck did she sound like an asshole yep i don't care we said that on a previous podcast that if you didn't get a drunk dial from us that night you don't have a phone yeah you called me that night at like 2 30 in the morning and i didn't pick up so

i knew whenever you had talked to me you had mentioned that you had just talked to inman so oh my god i knew everybody was getting a fucking call at that point i'm like damn i had i had no recollection of the inman call. Well, immediately after that, Inman posted up on Twitter that he had started a new joint venture with Johnny Depp and he's going to be playing the Comedy Store and he had a flyer printed up. I used to just fucking around, but it was funny. Yeah, I got the old phone text messages or emails from Inman.

Don't worry, that poster's just a goof. I'm not really using it. I go, I don't know what you're talking about. Well, then eventually I knew what he was talking about. When I found out, we drunk dialed him. Wait, so that Inman gig's no good? That's not happening? No, I saw it.

I'm like, who did he fucking talk into doing this thing? Because it was like, Erickson's not invited. You think it was real? Yeah, I thought it was real. I thought it was real, too, except for me and Johnny and Erickson were not actually. That's what I thought was funny about it. It's like, oh, okay, but who said yes to the gig? Well, see, I just knew that you guys had called Inman,

and I knew that he had to have some way to tell everybody that you had called him, and he couldn't do it outright because that looks too douchey, so just subtly. I wait until I'm on the podcast, so it's completely douchey. Yeah, they told me they only sold four tickets. The Erickson's not invited show. It's, uh... I don't know, Erickson.

It seemed like you were going to say something. You were. I'm just going to steal Chad Shane's I'm on acid as the Hulk growing. Can I get one more beer, Chase? Chad on the drive over with Jenny had to apologize in advance.

Listen, I'm still coming off of acid. I'm going to have to scream right now. I did. I thought, yeah. Fucking scared people in their yards. He's one of my best friends. He's like a Wookiee. I might be Han Solo.

He might be Chewbacca. Joby does understand me when nobody else does if anyone that's uh in the death pool had bruce willis because you were in my lucid dream that was so lucid when i saw joey yesterday i had to ask him fuck did did Bruce Willis die or is that part of the dream? Well, it's part of the dream. Bruce Willis didn't die. He did not die. And Chaley didn't drag a toilet on the beach. What's the fucking

tech geeks? Mark. Okay, Mark. He was talking about one bonus that we're waiting for. Yeah, this is what we're doing. This is Death Pool. We're talking about Death Pool, yeah. And how do they get to Death Pool?

Okay, dscdp.com. DougStanhopeCelebrityDeathPool.com. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, I really thought for a second, wait, did Bruce Willis really die? I had to ask you honestly yesterday. Those are only movies, Doug. Yeah, I know. He usually lives at the end.

We used to do the bonus for the following year as the previous point winner from the previous year so i was like all right yeah great and it just they fucking oh they could pick it they could pick it and they would just be awesome detail like american writers or yeah but they would be a little shitty about it so now we're doing a bracket like college bracket like everyone like votes on it and the last vote is deaf by any cancer or under 50 under 50 years old oh that's good and that's a the last two so jump on dscdp.com and uh vote for it and uh mark's been honestly he's been running this shit like i've been in england the whole year and came back solitude while you're here i'm worthless and he's been running this shit like i've been in england the whole year and came back solitude while you're here i'm worthless and he's just stepped up and he's been

fucking awesome so uh he's admin uh dscdp admin on twitter yeah so uh yeah follow him because when i uh off myself that's where you're gonna get all your news so uh yeah follow him it's going around it's a thing that's going around to kill yourself so uh yeah yeah join up where's bingo it's christmas it's a time for offing yourself i fucking love christmas everyone's so goddamn happy maybe not where you live listener maybe you're fucking fighting people for fucking a dollar off a flat screen at a walmart on black friday i don't know what you do but here everyone's just happy and waving christmas so much really i don't mind i don't mind it as any other time but i do like i there's a movie shaley left jump on his mic yeah come on we were talking movies earlier

christmas movies uh uh tracy i wanted i told shaley but he'll forget rare exports it's on amazon prime watch it it's a finland from finland and it's got a little bit of uh subtitles but it's worth watching it's really good rare exports uh we have uh junkies christmas but i have it on dvd and there's no dvd players and well okay let's say it's a william burrows claymation of a junkie on christmas eve it's let's settle the debate and i'm glad that kanaka is here is die hard a christmas movie hamana hamana hamana hamana any movie is a christmas movie that if you want it to be a christmas exactly bad santa i like uh i used to watch one of my one of my uh ones in my rotation used to be lethal weapon just because it started up it was christmas and those christmas carols at the beginning of it

it's uh any movie is a christmas tom's wearing the uh caesar's Palace medallion that was his name. I already threw away that paper. Courtney or Carrie or some dude. No, there was a time when wearing this in Vegas was the shit. Wherever you went, you could just walk into a casino and just tell anybody, as long as you had this sign, let me have $5,000 in credit, and they would give it to you. Wait, you were Caesars, right?

No, that's the whole fucking problem if i had worked caesars fuck no but that was a big deal because those guys made fucking such fucking bang for the audience tom is showing the medallion to the microphone so uh i like uh you guys now wait listen he's doing the mouth yeah it's real gold it's not chocolate no it's fucking real gold yeah if that's real gold. It's not chocolate? No, it's fucking real gold. If that's real gold, that's going to be in my pocket before I fucking leave here. I don't even steal shit, but that's a lot of gold. Sorry, Deadpool, back to it.

No, no, no going back to it. Yeah, but sign up. We got a new year coming up. And I'm going Star Trek, people, because William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols. Nichelle Nichols, she's going this year. Uhura is going out this year. Sorry. Don't be so excited.

Jesus. The only sister. You shush your mouth, Kanaka. I didn't ask you. Joby gets excited about everybody's death. He's equal opportunity in that regard, for certain. I've been writing about a lot of shit, but like drinking hours in Bisbee,

it's both of us, we drink at home. So, yeah, drinking hour starts whenever you want. And Joby today, like three o'clock, are we still podcasting today? Because I'm going to need a ride. I've been drinking. I love it when you guys fucking drink. Yeah, Raider David had to drive me over.

Jason Fury. Oh, Jason Fury. He wanted to come, but he said he didn't. He's not here. He really does, too. He'll hate it when he hears this. He's like, I should have went over there, I guess. I love Fury. Fury is like the best person in the world.

I love Jason Fury. Yeah, I love his honesty. He is very brutal. He's just fucking gorgeous. Him and I get along really well, yeah. I fucking love Fury. Anyone that says he wanted to come and then that's straight honesty yeah i want to come i i would come but i don't want to that was the question i would come but i don't want to he's sober too kind of he is he's kind of vegan well

that kind of explains why he doesn't want to hang out with us if you think about it he hasn't he's one of the in the last five years or something. I remember he drank once here. That was the last time he drank. No. No. He did a mimosa not too long ago. Yeah, he took two sips.

Yeah, yeah. No, he didn't finish it. When I was doing. I just fact checked with Kenny. This drinking thing has me. It reminded me of something that I wanted to tell you guys that I thought was pretty cool. I was reading something the other day, an article,

and they're talking about idioms in other countries and how they're different. And drink like a fish has always seemed stupid because you're surrounded by it, but you don't drink it. So it's not really a good idiom. In French, it's not really a good idiom in french in uh uh french it's drink like a hole and it's one of those things i've ever heard in my life i was like what the drinks more than a hole man so i i don't know i thought that was interesting maybe it's not

maybe oh no no i just have to think of uh uh fuck it pour me another drink the devil is smarter because of his age than because he's the devil fuck i just it's a quote i you know i thought you were making shit up no no i can't remember exactly how it goes. It was translated. Do you remember the Mark Twain one we love? Oh, yes. Go ahead, Jay.

I'm trying to remember. The first thing I do in the morning is eat a frog. Oh, yeah. Because I know nothing will go worse the rest of my day. It'll be the worst thing of your whole day yeah i'm no mark twain if i didn't stutter a lot i would have way better quotes we we've come so far down this fucking rabbit hole of where everything's been uh shared over and over and over again that there's now a self-help book called eat that frog based on that mark twain quote so it's completely ruined it's fucking no good it's like street jokes you know a queer and a a shiny and a fucking priest walk into a bar. There's jokes we grew up

on just sharing. Who's writing those anymore? Is anyone writing joke jokes, like bar jokes? Jackie the joke man. I love that you said shiny. It is. You left some letters off there. No, that's accurate.

The first time I heard it, I thought, that's wrong. And then, you know what? I watched Kung Fu. And they refer to them as Chinese. A group of Chinese is Chinese. I think it might be racist. That's the plural.

It's plural. Wait, Chinese is the plural of Chinese. The Chinese is the real plural. I think the racist plural of Chinese is Chinese. RP. Got it. I don't know. It's on Kung Fu. Is this going racist plural of Chinese is Chinese. You know, I don't know. It's on Kung Fu. Is this going to come to blows? Jesus Christ.

We just agree to agree. Yeah. Don't get out of Joba. He's just sitting there. Don't get Kenny rapping. Shaylee and I are trying to keep this thing afloat stop fucking you're rolling we're not doing a great job

but we're trying god damn you I think that's racist too it might be you know what's weird is my fucking Christmas lights in the living room went out on Christmas Eve those lights have worked forever. I have replacements.

I wasn't going to do that. Those lights have worked since I've been here. No shit. And you've been here as long as I've been here. And yet everybody's surprised that they went out. Maybe they're anti-Christmas lights. Anti-Christmas lights. They'll go on tomorrow.

Okay, so I want to know who put out the clocks. Chaley did. Oh, you did? He thought he'd restore this. Chaley has done everything to make that whole fucking addition happen. There's no doubting it. I brought the clocks out from underneath the crawl space, and I cleaned one of them. There was bird shit inside the glass.

I don't know how that fucking happened. But I brought them out, and I'm like, wait a minute. I'm going to hang these somewhere. There was a bird inside the clock? There was bird shit inside the clock face. Like the clock face came over. I'm like, I'm not going to hang these and then have Doug come up and go,

that's the wrong wall. Is that the temporary spot? Because I wanted them in this room. So I left them on the couch because the cat was bleeding. And then I didn't want the cat to go on the couch. And the clocks definitely keep the cat off the couch. So there was a... You started telling stories like Andy Andrist at some point.

Where like halfway through, you're like, there's a better story in this than the one you're telling. But that's true. I have seen Meatwig jumping up that fucking wall to the clocks You're like, there's a better story in this than the one you're telling. Oh, but that's true. I'm going to mine it out of you. I have seen Meatwig jumping up that fucking wall to the clocks and wondering, what the fuck? Now I know. It was after the fucking bird. There's no bird inside the clock.

There was a bird. How does this shit get there? That's my whole point. Meatwig dressed as Santa Claus last night. It was just me and tom here in the fun house and and meatwig brought me a fucking oh santa claus present little tiny mouse that looked like it was gonna die that was still dead but it was just feigning dead so i brought it out to tom next to my drink.

Should I dunk this? What the fuck do you want, dog? I go, Meekwick brought us a fucking Christmas Eve present. No, I assumed it was fucking dead. And then all of a sudden the fucking thing started running at me. I'm like, well, fuck. It's a lie. And then I realized, oh, antivirus. That's not a good Christmas present.

Yeah, high five. I should really get some antibacterial soap. Oh, antivirus. That's not a good idea. Christmas present. Yeah, high five. Forget about it. I should really get some antibacterial soap. Yeah. Goddamn. But I sent them down towards your place. Yeah. Let's run through that.

You know that little hole in the fence that goes to your merch? The urinal? Yeah. Underneath the urinal. Yeah. That's quite a crawl. Oh, my God. Yeah. the long crawl

now I'm picturing Stan up with a stick trying to jam it through the little holes in the urinal the thing goes running and escapes like Shawshank Redemption

which would have shoving it through those little holes would have been smarter than just letting it go through a hole to a sheath it needed to be killed

Stan one would think yeah I thought of that after. You can throw it at the trap. You don't have to let it go in itself. Oh, bingo's back with nicotine gone. Yeah. Bingo's back.

I got some from the neighbor. Yeah. Which neighbor? Bingo's storing nicotine gum. Oh, Dave across the street. Man, how the times have changed. Oh, is Dave Summers chewing nicotine gum now? I think so.

He's like 95. Just fucking keep drinking. I mean smoking. All on this block and the other block. But back door has some nicotine gum for me. I'm winded. I've been running around trying to find nicotine gum. She showed up

at 9.58. She showed up at the corner store last night on Christmas Eve trying to get a fucking puffer because she was in a depression she calls them puffer e-cigarette and they go I'm closed early through the door

just get out of prison who did? Bingo? I picture Bingo still in her prison clothes ready to kick in the door she's like I don't want my clothes I came in here with I'll take the jumpsuit I like orange but yeah bingo's in a

fucking funk I go well you gotta go now cause they're gonna close it's Christmas Eve and she went down and the lady through the door says, I'm closing early.

I have kids. Come on. Well, she, it's the, it's the new old lady. Oh,

there's a lot of, with the fucking tattoo on the eyebrow. What? Yeah, she's got a, she was like, that's our fucking home corner store yeah

we know everyone there and then all of a sudden this lady i tried to make christmas talk when i i realized early i'm no fucking bingo i realized early oh shit i gotta stop stock up on cigarettes because everything's closed today does she know know that the last worker there with an attitude made it into your book? Exactly. Or watch her fucking step. It's good to be home. Welcome home.

Cheers. Welcome home. Kenny, how are you doing on your fucking Kenny sits on his phone and plays slot machines for no money on his phone mother did that

but that's a thing a mother that's an old lady would do divert addiction look where that got her i do yeah it's just an addiction diversion wouldn't you think same thing i use my phone for but i just i just look up stuff and read stuff and try to i'll just be curious about stupid shit sometimes i'll be like remember when you used to wonder about stuff when you just be curious about stupid shit. Sometimes I'll be like, remember when you used to wonder about stuff? When you'd just be doing something and you'd be like, I wonder what that is. And then you'd just wonder for a little while, and now you just open your phone

and you're like, oh, that's what it is right there. You don't wonder. Remember when you used to wonder? And in my defense, I only play slots for about two minutes because it's free slots, so I'm broke really fast. Wait, how are you broke on free slots? Because you only get free money and then you spend it away.

He wants you to buy real fucking money. Kenny's smarter than that. He just uses the free ones. Kenny, not you, Kenny. So far you... Kenny, if you won fake money, what would you do with that money? Play more slots?

Is that all you can do? Look, I would definitely play more slots. I would play more slots, and I would... Wait, I'm not sure what you just asked me. But I'll tell you this. I like slot machines, and I like gambling, and I like Bisbee. I love Bisbee.

Can I get a drink? Smarten it back up. You went Rain Man. And you forgot weed. Yeah, you forgot weed. How does Kenny not like weed? He's got to do his Junior Stopka. Oh, you do Stopka? Yeah, you forgot weed. How does Kenny not like weed? It's got to do with Junior Stopka. That's the fucking killer.

Oh, you do Stopka? Wait, hold on. Hey, Doug, look. Come on through the door. It's Junior Stopka. Oh, hey, Junior. How's Christmas going? Merry Christmas.

Junior Stopka. Merry Christmas. Doug, you got to kill all women. You got to kill them with a knife. But if you kill all the women, then I gotta have sex with a dude. And if I have sex with a dude, I'm gonna need

lube. So put the lube in the dude. P.S. Barack Obama. Yeah! Welcome back, Junior. We get Welcome back, Junior. Oh, no, it's good. We get Raider.

Raider, watch Fear and Loathing, and you can do a perfect Johnny Depp. And we'll say on the Audible book that it is Johnny Depp. Of course. And you'll never know. Did you put out that for Patreon? Patreon people, we love you.

Oh, yes. Did you put out that on for patreon patreon people we love you oh yes did you put the uh picture of uh one ass uh no no no uh because uh the other ass i didn't think i wanted to get in dutch with uh her parents come on honestly all right So there's no. And I only got texted a picture of one ass. So now I'm confused about the second ass. Her dad had this similar ass. And I said, we're going to put a picture on for Patreon people. He jumped off of a cliff on a cruise somewhere and got the same bruising as Johnny Depp did. Trying to skateboard.

And we're looking at the pictures. It was like, oh, my God. And then Doug thought it would be funny without asking anyone, hey, we'll put all those pictures up online somewhere. And then I realized I'm not putting a picture of Tracy's dad's ass online. Because everyone is going to go go I know who that is. I like that whenever I got told the story and then I got sent the picture of the

ass, I got the caveat hey, don't share that with anybody and I tried to figure out who exactly I would share a picture of somebody else's ass with. You're the only motherfucker I'm going to exchange ass pictures with, I mean, if we're being honest.

Maybe Joby, but I don't know. I welcome it. I have a picture of Joby's ass only because he has a tattoo on it. I want a fucking bruise. Might as well be.

When you guys left to stream yesterday, I was pulling out my laptop to read what I wrote about you two in the book individually and then together and then I go I think I've already read this to them and my computer wasn't working

and you guys had to fucking twitch oh so you didn't do it no I haven't don't let him read his passages about you. It's sweet, but it is a little uncomfortable. I would definitely take that advice, Shaley. That makes perfect sense, except for the fact that Doug was right.

He has already read me the parts that he wrote about me. I have the email. We're all right there. I was doing that and I'm going to do it, continue to do it tonight, is read this by myself out loud. And that's why I thought, oh wait,

I must have read this to one of you because this is going too smoothly. But I'm writing like a fucking writer I gotta write like this is an audible book so I'm rewriting through sitting by myself

and reading what I wrote and you know how that's what I didn't know is that it was not a book it's an audible book well it's still a book it has to be written before it can be read i didn't i couldn't pay any attention critically to it because my ego filled up and filled up my ears while statham spoke flowery words about me

kenny's in it i'd really if i had my computer does this mean I lost my part to Dave in the audio book? Dave is not in it. I skip over Dave. That was actually Dave that said that. Oh, wait. I thought you were talking about neighbor Dave. The impression. Oh, yeah.

I thought you were talking about neighbor Dave. Did Stoner Castle Rock Kenny lose his audible speaking job to One Take Dave? I don't know. He's going to be here for the Johnny Depp parts anyway. Oh, God. All right. That's fucking. I can't tell that story, but I'll tell you off the air.

Yay. All right. I guess that's it we got to celebrity death pool we're good yeah I think we're good we're going to do a commercial we don't talk about the commercial during the regular podcast

yeah shut your come on I was going to write a fucking fake commercial you can do that we used to do that. We used to do that. And then we can do it later. These guys don't understand how recording works here. It's so funny.

Chad, do you have any... Okay, hold on, guys. We're going to go into plugs right now. We all obviously know Doug's show and New Year's Eve coming up. But you don't know about issues with Andy. Hold on. I got it. What are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing? You're looking at me like I'm supposed to chime in. Can you get over here and do a Doug Stanhope? I need someone to fucking calm down. I've got all the plugs for issues with Andy and your show, your little show. Are you going to play that thing? My Hawaii opening, right? Yes right yes all right we'll throw to that right at the end yeah i just wanted to remind people that i had some funny riff you think

anyone's listening at this point we're 45 minutes in there's no one listening i like when there's meetings most of the way during the only we talked about this hey uh chad do you have any plugs? Just go to my Twitter, at HDFatty. Check out my pinned tweet, and it will tell you how to subscribe to my Twitch channel for free using your Amazon Prime, and I get real money, and I appreciate it. And it's fun. Real money. Stan Hope, Doug Stan Hope, Celebrity Death Pool,

DSCDP. There's a fucking new season about to start in mid-January. Get on it. Figure it out. Hey, you can go see

Brett Erickson and Andy Andrist at Winston's in San Diego on the 27th of December and on the 28th at McGuby's in Ventura. Woo-hoo! And then on the 30th, we're doing a live Issues with Andy podcast.

It's free at the Dye Bar in Las Vegas. The 31st, Doug is doing a show at the Plaza, New Year's Eve. It sold out. Fuck you. Did it? Yeah, it sold out. Oh, you've been in Hawaii fucking off at Arnold's. Well, yeah, I guess so.

God, Hennegan used to email me when that shit sold out. Yeah. All right, so, yeah. Oh, I do have one ticket available. I have one ticket available. We're going to give it away at the dive bar. Oh, good, you dump it, Tracy? Yeah.

I heard that. It's in the rumor mill. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. I'm doing it, buddy. So, actually, we're going to give away a ticket to the Plaza Show. You got two tickets? No, I have one. No, that's the one I'm talking about. Okay, good. Tom, you're coming?

No, you can't. I got Tom's ticket. I'm babysitting. So, we're going to give away a ticket at the Dive Bar. All right. Instant ticket. On the 30th. Yeah, and then Doug's show at the Plaza.

And on the 1st, we're doing a hangover show at Tommy Rocker's in Vegas. Issues with Andy live. Another one. That's great. Issues with Andy, the podcast with Brett Erickson, Chad Sheck, myself, and Andy. myself and I just want to rub in this whore's face that my fucking Phoenix Coyotes are leading the Pacific Division in the NHL. Golden Knights are second and your stupid fucking Edmonton Oilers are sucking dick in third.

So fuck you. I never liked you. Everything I wrote in the book about Tracy. you. I never liked you. Everything I wrote in the book about Tracy, oh, she's the only person who's never bothered me. Except when it's about Edmonton versus...

Alright, I should go. Wow. I'm being manhandled out of my own podcast. I'll just go. I'll go by myself. Stop. Stop. I'll go by myself. I'll just walk out. I had my feet on the stage. I had flip-flops.

I'm following the light. Wait, I got something to say. Is it too late? No, go ahead. Never too late. Okay, well, I just want to report that stand-up has something fantastic coming in the mail. From me and Kelly, we got him an ancestry kid. And she wants to find out if he's got illegitimate kids running around

because she wants to be an aunt so bad. And so do I. So your kid's going to be here in about eight days, and you got to fill it out, baby. I have done the math on that. We probably talked about it. But I got a vasectomy in, like, 2003. So if I did have a kid he's an adult and he should have a fucking paper

out by now and I can't wait to chastise him but I'm hoping that as all of us probably have .001% of something that allows me to make racist jokes

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 7, okay bye bye now 0.1% of something, that allows me to make racist jokes. One, two, one, two, three, seven. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� The reason why you're all here, Doug Stanhope for Shane Lucas Price. I like the jazz vibe that this place continues to carry through the lighting and the peony. I'm going to stay with that level of energy that they're creating. I'm going to stay with that level of energy that they're creating. I'm going to do it all night. You're welcome to come up at any point, Shane, and just if you go,

oh, I forgot something I wanted to say that they would have not responded to as well as they should have, just break up my act. Fuck them. Shane Lucas Price I've worked with here on the island before and do you ever read books or watch movies as an old alcoholic

and all you remember is if I liked it or didn't but you don't remember a thing about it that's Shane Lucas Price. or didn't, but you don't remember a thing about it, that's Shane Lucas Price. Shane Lucas sent me an email. See, you're coming to the island. Do you mind if I... Absolutely.

I remember I like you based on three names that sound familiar. If there were three names that sucked, I'd remember that too and go, fucking no way. I am... I don't usually apologize, but there's something that I have to say to you

for the next, like, hour and ten minutes. And it's my act. and I don't want it to ruin your night just disregard it if you have to it's just something I feel I have to say and I'm not gonna throw it in your face and say well you paid me to say it it's your fault I'm not going to throw it in your face and say, well, you paid me to say it. It's your fault. I'm not going to victim blame. It's just what I feel I need to get off my chest is my act. It's probably not the time or place.

Or even the audience and if you're a local to the island I deeply apologize for making you come to this part of town to see this if I had known for making you come to this part of town to see this? If I had known, I wasn't aware myself till I landed. Who do I think I am to make people come to this fucking awful asylum

that other people call a paradise that is fucking garbage? I was sitting, I got here a couple days ago because I was supposed to be working on my book, Long Story. But tonight, sitting on my lanai, meaning smoking area, that you're not allowed to smoke in. area that you're not allowed to smoke in. I heard tonight before the show as I was trying to put a set together that I go, fuck them. Why am I working on a set here? They don't deserve it. Yeah, off of the balcony, that's our word, my country. I heard hoots and whoops that I hadn't heard for the last two nights, and I realized, oh, it's Friday night. How do you have weekends in a country that doesn't have seasons other than volcanoes?

You have a season every like 320 years when that thing goes off and it gets a little bit warmer around the foundation of your house that you shouldn't be able to afford and I'm happy to have it burned down. How

is it that you have a night you hoot and whoop and that's probably not the locals and by locals How is it that you have a night you hoot and whoop? And that's probably not the locals. And by locals, I'm not talking about white people that I meet here that complain about the tourists. This place fucking sucks and I hang on

did anyone order an entree tonight cause I to apologize hang on where do I if anyone ordered an entree I got this here I go

blue note Hawaii if anyone ordered an entree I can give you a free bread pudding dessert cause anyone order an entree, I can give you a free bread pudding dessert. Because, anyone order an entree? Oh, really, not a dinner crowd at my show? If you did, there you go. All right, pass that. Body surf that back.

Speaking of surfing, here's another coupon. Free bucket of chum with any surfing lessons. Anyone? Lots of coupons here. This is a real one. Where's the first one? Yeah, free Waikiki Beach Walk Hawaiian music CD. Waikiki Beachwalk Hawaiian Music CD.

Hawaiian Music CD you can play in your earbuds while you walk through Waikiki trying to avoid Hawaiian music. Here's one that's good island wide. Here's one that's good island-wide. It's for any surcharge, resort fee, added gratuity, applied tax, or hidden costs, you get a complimentary additional fee. Anyway, it's a great Christmas gift. free smug looks no less than a dozen for any time you light up a cigarette on the street

I have lots of coupons for you after the show no merch booth fucking moose mcgillicuddies there's only three good bars on this island that is not one that is one of the worst where you go oh i finally found a good dive bar no no it's the fucking worst and if you ever go there for thursday night football and some fucking giant, fucking thick-headed, cinder-blocked head cunt in a Tim Tebow jersey says, can you smoke that down away from the door? And then you're drunk and you realize,

oh, I'm standing by the ashtray that you put out for smokers? Yeah, be sober before you argue that. I realized I was a slurring guy because I drank at one of your three good bars and I'm not going to mention any of them because you don't fucking deserve it.