The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#348: 30 Meetings in a Week, Whose Idea Was This?

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

Why is Doug recording a podcast at 11am on a football Sunday, who made Olivia fast track a load of AA meetings and is it so hard to try and help James Inman?Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast and have direct access to the podcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded Jan. 12th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by The ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast with Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille - New episode every Friday and only available on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHhpCYwNEGcS_DA7VjG4DwLINKS - “How to Suffer … In 10 Easy Steps: Discover, Embrace and Own the Mechanics of Misery” by William Arntz - http://capturedlight.biz/index/how-to-suffer/Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.orgClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey who's uh exactly when did you did i tell you that this was a good idea to do an 11 a.m. podcast on a Sunday? Well, to be clear, I said, 11 a.m. we get here, or 11 a.m. we start recording. You're all, record. And it was two nights ago. Night. Yeah.

Yeah, when I was shit-faced. Well, you turn to me and say, we're recording. We'll do Sunday. Sunday morning. We need a podcast. I'm all, I like this new Stan Hope. Wait a minute. That's not new Stan Hope. I don. I'm all, I like this new Stan Hope. Wait a minute. That's not new Stan Hope. I don't like that Stan Hope.

I wondered when I got a text message from Shaley at midnight. Oh, that's when the decision was. It was after midnight. We just looked back on the phone of when I actually got in touch with Chad. Yeah, so it said 11 o'clock start time. Usually Shaley will be like, this time get here. We'll start around this time. It would be 11'clock start time. Usually, Shanley will be like, this time, get here. We'll start around this time. It will be 11 for 12.

Yeah. So 11 o'clock, we get here, we drink, and then Chad gets here sometime in between then to have a drink or two and load up. Yeah, I get a Hanson's Mandarin Lime Soda and a green tea going. What are you drinking, Olivia Grace? This is the second cup of coffee and some water. I've got a water with added electrolytes, but I am looking at that water you have sitting over there with cucumbers or something floating in it, like a fancy hotel lobby. Yeah, one's a pineapple and one's cucumber watermelon.

Weird. Shaley, what are you drinking? I'm drinking coffee, Bushmills, and a little bit of caramel. Oh, fuck. Stepping up the game. Well, I remember there was a podcast today, so I got a little sleep last night. I got sleep. I slept on an edible last night once I knew I was going down for sure.

Oh, you found those? Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's another thing. You were, where are those? You hide them? I'm like, hide what?

Did I put candy away from being out on the counter because people come here all the time and just start eating stuff that's on the counter yes i put them away but i didn't hide them they don't look like weed gummies like they don't look weed like at first glance thank you yeah actually those aren't the ones that i accidentally ate when i thought they were candy those Those did look weed-like. Was it all the weed on it? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And then you had a question about the screeners? The Screen Actors Guild, for your consideration? That's confused. Yeah, I get all these screeners every year. Except for last year. I didn't get them last year. In fact, last time Morgan Murphy was here, she asked if we wanted her to leave some.

And I said, I don't know, man. Leaving those things around here, your name is attached. Digitally, each copy is registered to the person they send it to because it ends up you get it on one of these streaming services and they'll be, you know, Taiwanese. there'll be Taiwanese or something like that, right? So they're doing this as a way to crack down because they want to keep a lid on that stuff. And I go, you know what, Morgan?

I can't secure that those won't go somewhere else. So just you keep them over there at your place, and we're fine. I tried to give, because most of these screeners now, it was so Netflix heavy that I've already seen this shit. And the movies, usually Oscar movies, suck anyway. I think it's nice that they sent you screeners of movies that you can rent now. I thought they were supposed to give you a sneak peek or something. Well, there's that one I want to watch, the Fox News lady.

Bombshell. Yeah, that's not out. That's not out. So two days ago about the same time we have a stack of shit I don't want to watch but you have a stack of shit your name is registered on it

and you want to take it to the store the thrift store and I go no no that's the wrong thing to do that's why they didn't send them in the year before exactly it's the boys and Girls Club or something. How can... It does not...

Why would the Boys and Girls Club want to watch Bombshell? I'm saying the thrift store goes to help. It's a charity thrift shop. Oh, I thought you meant like handing out like DVDs to children. Once upon a time in Hollywood. Hey, kid, have you seen you seen the patriot and it doesn't help the boys and girls club helps the ymca yeah ymca so the decision was not to take them to the thrift store i saw all the the packaging that went with them but i couldn't find them because i was

i was gonna give them out but evidently well we had the decision that we shouldn't just give them willy-nilly to everyone around here. You made that decision. We made that decision, but I didn't know you were covering one eye when you said it, when you agreed because you were so fucking plowed. The last time I podcasted with you, you guys tried to give them to me and make me take them home. I don't want to take these home.

I don't want to be responsible for that shit. I took the stack of them. Four dollars to rent that movie. A good grip of them and I stuffed them in this little cubby hole over here that no one goes near because it's my little corner. And then I thought that was the end of it. And Doug last night turns around

to me and says, where are those screeners? And I looked at him and I go, I could argue in front of Doug and all these people here, or I could just give them the screeners. Well, yeah, and that was you handed them to Doug. I heard the conversation where you decided it's not going to happen.

No, no, we, not me decide, we decided as a group, because I said, we can't just let these things go out. Your name is attached to these. And I agreed. I definitely agree with you. The first time, I was sober. You can't trust what I say when I'm sober. I'm just going to go against it later.

And I remember you pulled out the stack and you looked so furious because you knew exactly what was about to happen. And you went, oh, who doesn't have Netflix? And Andrew was like, I don't have Netflix. And then you looked at me and you handed me the stack and you went, bring, who doesn't have Netflix? And Andrew was like, I don't have Netflix. And then he looked at me, and you handed me the stack, and you went, bring them to Andrew. And I wasn't going to be like, oh, I'm not. You're going to be complacent. Ah, your fingerprints are on that.

It's 2020. The better question would have been, who still has a DVD player? Exactly. That's why I knew someone in business. That's true. So I handed those over. Basically, Chad not being here and myself reluctantly handing them to Olivia are absolved of any kind of accomplice here. And I did keep the bombshell on.

Yeah. I took that downstairs and I was like, God, I feel bad keeping this down here. But, you know, I just don't. I want to see this movie, too. And if Doug wants it, he'll forget where it's at. And I'll tell him. And then you gave him all the way. I'm all fucking perfect.

Now I got the one I want to see and the one you want to see. And the rest are gone. And, well, you'll deal with the fallout from that. Andrew is going to sit up there in his jacket. It's not what Andrew's going to do. If someone goes, oh, hey, can I? He won't mind if I borrow this. He doesn't even have a DVD player.

And then they take it home. To be fair, there's probably nobody in Bisbee that knows how to rip a DVD onto a computer format. That's what I'm guessing. Probably costs more to get a DVD player in order to watch them than it would to just rent those, too. Sure.

Right? Well, yeah. I'm going to rent them on iTunes because it's like $4 and I don't have to have a DVD player? Well, yeah. I'm going to rent them on iTunes because it's like $4 and I don't have to have a DVD player. Right. Yeah. Well, it's up

to the universe now. I just knew when you guys tried to get, oh, you want to borrow these two? And I was just like, I don't want to be responsible for that. That means I have to return them, which means I have to watch them in a reasonable amount of time, not just whenever the fuck I... Quit making my life hard.

Offer me to borrow shit. I've been doing so much of that since I've been home. I haven't been here shit for football season, but the kids still come over, the Packer backers, and they're here every week. So, yeah, they bought me a new tv did you notice the new tv exactly it's the same size i have no idea who they thought it was and it was a very kind gift and then i was like immediately complaining that i have a new remote control i have to fucking learn what the fuck bitching about a fucking 55-inch TV that someone gave me.

I think maybe somebody got a shitty one for Christmas and swapped it with yours. The color is real dark on this one. Don't let poor people buy you TVs, Dan Hope. We don't know how to do it. We don't know how to do it. We buy based on price, not quality. You've been mad about a lot of buttons lately. Yeah, well, Chaley, you know, he basically single-handedly commandeered

that entire addition on the house for a year. And he put in all these really funky cool ceiling fans but they have like yeah it's like eight buttons and none of them make sense well it's like this you know the fucking heat up here the remote control and it gives you a bunch of little tiny figures symbols that you can barely see and they all look the same or one of them looks like two teardrops they're like what the fuck is with you? That's the dehumidifier. It's so hot, I'm crying.

You stayed in the pink room. How long did it take you to figure out how to turn on the light? There's eight buttons on a light switch. I didn't even bother. I just crawled drunk in a bed. There's also no window in there now because it's in the closet.

That I loved. I actually slept here the last time when Olivia had to pour me into bed. And it was in that room with no window. And I think I woke up at like 9.30 in the morning. I'm usually out of here by 6.30. Yeah, if it's a late one. Yeah, by 9.30 in the morning, I'm sleeping in in that dark-ass room. It's great.

I love hearing you complain about it because it's just like you're complaining about having too many options to set to your exact comfort level yeah the other option was open a window for air yeah lift the blinds for light now we've got a fading light and we've got three different controls for the airflow in the room. Which, that room never had a ceiling fan before. So you just sit there and stew. Until we put in

air conditioning. Well, that's true. Which has easy buttons. It's going to look like an old folks home in there. Shaley's going to have like a laminated paper tacked to the wall to show you what all the buttons do. Like when we were trying to teach Dee how to use an iPhone. Yes. When you said like an old person, I was thinking maybe just like a big fat button that says on or off.

I was picturing you had color coded, like painted each button to push the blue one if you're hot. Why is there no handrail by the light switch? I get unsteady making a choice. Well, the new master bedroom, now that's got a fan button, but you have to hold it down. No, you don't. Maybe you're so drunk you fell into the wall. You just have to stand there if you want the fan on? You said to hold it until the fan starts going.

I said once you push it, the fan will start to go, but the motor is really good. It has to wind up. It has to get going like an old Wright Brothers engine. I'm not on your side anymore. This sounds like every other fan. You have to push the button and wait for it to turn on. What's fancy about that, Shaley? Stanhope's involved in just bitching about having to push the button and wait for it to turn on what's fancy about that

Shaylee just bitching about having to push buttons I yell at I yell at when there's too many boxes from fans sending things to 212 Van Dyke Street Lisby Arizona 85603 and then I'll get home

and God damn it it's just a packaging there's fucking peanuts everywhere. Too many people love me. Sending me all this trying to fucking get scissors through all this goddamn tape. I'm not even opening this one. Fuck it.

It's over taped. I don't like it. Oh wait, I ordered that. Where's that shit I ordered, Shaley? There's a broken box of Hummels with your boot print on it. I don't know. Yeah, you said something about. Oh, yeah, you got that.

Yeah. Pitching about fans who send you stuff. Oh, the peanuts we were talking about. Yeah, don't send peanuts. Who uses packing peanuts? That's like, that's, what did you say? We're going to return it? We're going to return the gift or whatever's in it with the peanuts and a glitter bomb.

Unless it's good, then we'll keep the thing and then return the packing peanuts. We're going to get into Olivia Grace. I don't know how close we are to 20 minutes though You want me to check? Olivia Grace Yeah she had an interesting New York Maybe that's why she's drinking coffee Oh really? Something happened?

Yeah she had to do the fucking 30 AA meetings Oh shit that's right By the end of the year for her old DUI. Does this count as 31? Can you smoke a cigarette and drink coffee? Listen to old people laugh. Could you smoke cigarettes in the AA meetings? Not in them, but afterwards.

I don't know if that was bingo, where it's still a safe haven for smokers. That's where I know that they're holding AA meetings by my house is there's always just a bunch of smokers outside of them. I think that's an AA meeting. Right. Methadone clinic. I'm intrigued by this story. You had to do it

in what time frame? Because I saw you. Here's the thing. I had a year. Because what had happened I got a DUI like five or six years ago and then i did all the classes and paid all the fines and i thought i was good and then i turned 21 and i thought i could get my insurance lowered if i got it taken off my record um and so i called my dui attorney's

office and i was like hey can you help me get this expunged and they were like no because you've had a warrant out for your arrest for four years not even a good news bad news kind of no and i was like and i was living in new york at the time and i was like what do i have to do to get that cleared up and they're like you have to fly to california and do a two-week class let Let's go back to the DUI. What'd you blow? A.14, which is right below the felony DUI. Yeah. What's felony DUI? I think it's a.15.

Wow. Yeah. I got arrested in Fullerton. I remember that. Yeah. Stayed the night. Yeah. My hometown.

Yeah. See, we're keeping the streets safe of fucking hoodlums like you. Yeah, that hometown. Yeah. See, we're keeping the streets safe of fucking hoodlums like you. Yeah, that was so dumb. We've never talked about this because we're not supposed to. They don't want us to. But one of ours got a DUI here a couple years ago. Blew a.266.

And got away with it. .266? Yep got away with it. 266. Yep. Oh, Lord. They even threw in the third decimal point. Just so you know, it's a little bit over the five. We can round up if we need to. It could be a two seven.

The cop didn't show up for court. Nice. Yep. How is Uncle Benny? The only time I've seen a higher one than 266 Is when we were doing it here as a competition To see who could blow higher And Stan Hope would always blow like a 3-9

Blow us all out of the water Yeah, you can't announce that we're going to do it in two hours Because everyone is just shots Yeah, those are flawed All the ones I've looked at Because everyone is just shots. Yeah, those are flawed. All the ones I've looked at. Because we burn through breathalyzers. At one time, we had three sitting on the shelf next to the honey roasted peanuts there.

Literally burned through them, though. I mean, they might not be accurate, but when the rest of us are blowing a two and you're like a three six, we know that you win. Yeah, it was a great drinking game. Yeah. We do it Price is Right style. Price is Right betting? Yeah. Up but not over. Just pick one person and go, all right, Kenny, what do you think?

And everyone puts it on the dry erase board, puts their... And whoever's closest without going over, we should get another one. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Those cops you invited over that one time to breathalyze us, we were driving back from Naco, and I got pulled over

because I kind of rolled through a stop, and then since I wasn't drinking, I'm like, oh, Jesus, this will be just a few minutes. And then you invited the cops to come over. Well, they asked if they could use their breathalyzers on us, the passengers, just for testing. There was a new guy. One guy was training a new guy, and they said, you know, obviously you guys have a ride home.

I wonder if we could breathalyze one of you because,'ve been drinking just to give him some experience in the field test. Chad, what would you say to that? I would probably say yes. Really? Yeah. We said no. Well, just because I try to be agreeable with the cops if they're being cool to me. We're already free to go.

I haven't been drinking. I'm fine. Well, I would think of it as, hey, remember me? The next time when I am driving, I'll be like, remember I hooked you up when you were training that guy? I did you a favor. Leave me alone. That's why I wouldn't want to do it because I don't care what they say. Team building.

We're doing this just for a test. I think they're making notes. Doug goes, follow us back to our place and you can breathalyze all of us. In the fun house. In the fun house. And now I'm trying to, jeez. It was their turn to get scared. Oh, shit. Well, I think one of them knew who Doug was and they're like, oh, invite to the fun house. And now I'm trying to, gee. It was their turn to get scared. Oh, shit.

Well, I think one of them knew who Doug was and they were like, oh, invite to the fun house. And I'm thinking, is there, did one of these fucking dudes, lazy weed smoker, leave a pipe out?

Or they had, we used to have that bong that was the community, that thing was disgusting. I finally threw that thing away. Community bong? Yeah. All these,

anything that could be out that you don't want out and they're coming over so i'm driving real slow all the way back because then the cops trailing us and we get here and i run in here because i got up and parked and immediately took a shot of whiskey and cleaned up anything here so that if they did want to breathalyze me, I could say, well, I went in and had a shot of whiskey. Because I didn't want him to use me as the base even though I wasn't drinking.

But I didn't want myself to be used in this thing. And I left. I fucking left. You guys sat up here in the office or whatever. That's funny. Wait, what was your logic? You didn't want to be used as the base your logic? You didn't want to be uses the base Why I don't want to be that to have have like to be that we're like well

We need someone who hasn't been drinking cuz I like an hour and a half ago. I had a one beer Comparatively I had a beer with Mexican beer with tacos in Naco doesn't count if they're Mexican beer I know that That's why. It's all water. It's in another country. It's not cheating. But I could just see him saying like, well, we've got everyone here who's drunk,

except the driver. Let's get him. And I'm like, I'm not having any part of this. So I fucking split. Wow. That's something a lot of people don't know, that is even if you're way under the legal limit, if you get caught driving with a minor infraction, but then they catch any amount of alcohol in your system they can still prosecute

you uh it's uh under the influence yeah while drunk they change the acronym all the time they can do it maybe if you uh do cops favors like that they uh don't show up for court yeah also also when i was in high school i may have told you guys this because i already told all my stories probably but i got my mom came and dragged me out of a party and took me to the sheriff's station because I wasn't supposed to be at a party. And I had her truck. Because you had restrictions? And they blew a breathalyzer, but it was so low. But they were like, you've been drinking.

And I'm like, I have not been drinking. I was just adamant the whole night. I kept arguing with them and told them that I wasn't drinking. I'm like, I don't understand, officer. I was respectful. But I was just like, it doesn't make any sense. I i was all upset i don't understand why it's saying i'm drinking when i'm not i don't want to get in trouble for something i didn't do they tried listen lance armstrong they gave me they tried to give me the other field sobriety test but they

would like the guy give me the pen when i hold the pen over here your eyes twitch i go because you're holding the pen by my ear. My eyes don't see by my ear. And then the other guy goes, your eyes are all red. I go, it's three in the morning. Your eyes are all red. If that's what we're going off of, how much have you been drinking? And the other cop laughed. So then they were like, oh, fuck.

That's a smart way to handle it, because as soon as I got arrested, I was like, well, I'm going to jail so I'll just be a piece of shit all night. And boy was I. One one of the officers his name was denny and i kept calling him denny's like the restaurant he did not find that amusing at all five six years ago i was 18 i think all right yeah yeah well let's uh we'll break and then we'll get back. We'll get into your AA saga.

Yeah, that's how I tried to fix the whole warrant thing. All right, I'm going to make another green tea. Please hold. There's probably several reasons for that. When I nature jack, I don't go out there and go, yeah, this bitch. You know, like they do on Naked and Afraid. Like, I'm going to tame this motherfucker. I just go out and look at shit.

And then it's like, oh, I'm getting hard. You know, so I'm taking... You let it happen naturally. Exactly. It's not about trying to control... He's respectful of raping nature. It's not raping. It's not. Oh, you have consent? There's a fucking sign outside that said, don't go in. It's not raping. It's not. Oh, you have consent?

There's a fucking sign outside that said don't go in. No means no, Andy. Your sign says no, but your Douglas furs and majestic pink say yes. After I fell in the river, I was just a short piece up the road from Guy, the hippie from

Death Valley. You fell in the river. Let's tell that part of the story. river i uh i was just a short piece up the road from uh guy the hippie from my back up you fell in the river let's tell that part of the story okay all right oh yeah let's so hey everybody it's me brett erickson from the issues with andy podcast uh we love you killer termites and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday issues with Andy on YouTube. Yeah. Okay. It's, it's a,

it's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a bot podcast? You're right for once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodka, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka.

Oh, I was drinking Cola. I fucked up. And the V could also stand for video because it's a video podcast. That's it. Oh, shit. As always, I'm right and Chad Shank is writer. Or more right to be correctly incorrect or something.

If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Iss with andy on youtube every friday and yeah well you keep listening and watching or however you do it and we'll keep shitting i've switched to booze. Are we back? I don't know. Yeah, we're back. Oh, okay. We're back.

I did this again. When you said, are we back, you should keep your head up for just a second when I go like this. We got new rules here. Always. Listen. All right. During the break, we lost one. Chad's off the wagon. Yeah. i'm staying strong with green tea this feels fucking weird i'm gonna stand here talking to you guys sober why is there a wagon i feel it's uh only appropriate since the subject matter right yeah so you uh put off just like

the deadline of my book oh yeah i put it off for way too long and what i so what i had to do to clear the warrant was they were like you have to come back to california to take this class and i was like is there any way around that and my lawyer was like no and i was like what if i offer to do 30 aa meetings in the next like year and he was like i'm not gonna try to do that for you and then i was like wait is he your lawyer or someone else's lawyer he's like you can i can try to ask but i don't think it's gonna work and i was like what if i wrote a letter and i wrote like a really good letter to the judge and i sent it to my lawyer and then i didn't hear anything from him and then finally

he was like hey the judge liked your letter 30 a8 meetings in the next 12 months good luck and i was like sick okay it felt really good honestly I was like, sick, okay. It felt really good, honestly. I was like, I did something responsible and nice. I wrote a letter to a judge. And you thought you were going to have something easy to do, one a month? Who can't do that?

Exactly, yeah. But then I put it off for so long, I thought it was really, it could have been, I did them all in, I did 30 in a week. Oh, so you had to like hunt down different meetings. She was in New York City. I had to, that was part of the letter. I was like, I live in New York now. I'm trying to be a comedian.

I don't live in LA. It would be just, this would just work better if I did these here while I'm here. And then I lived there for like six more months and didn't go to a single one. And then went on the road a bunch instead. And then I was like, it was like November. And I was like, I better go back there. Get these done. You know, because that was part of the condition or whatever and i probably could have done them anywhere but because i had asked i wanted to do them where i asked yeah and you wanted to go to new york to do sets anyway because you can do a shit like did you do more

sets or a i think i did more meetings yeah because i only had like that week to do them um because i thought i was only gonna be there for that long and so i was like i'll just knock them all out in the beginning of my trip and then have fun for the rest of it right when i talked to you you had just done 18 meetings in three days so are they you have to have proof that you did these i'm guessing so you have to have like somebody sign something yeah court card yeah okay yeah but all these are dated right yeah yep so so the judge who thought your letter was so great now feels like an asshole fucking get one over on me it was almost like showing off though because it's like and like the people who had to sign them too if i had been to like my seventh in a day they were

like do you want me to sign under where it says 11 18 six times in a row you didn't find anybody to cheat for you did you no and i didn't want to i wanted to do it right that's funny yeah we were talking about that on a podcast i didn't say what it was but or maybe i tweeted it i don't know but how jealous i was when like that's a great story 30 30 meetings in a fucking week. That's a, you know, you're getting material out of that. It's not a long form,

you know, article. And I, I went into it thinking that it was going to be fine and that it would be kind of funny. I almost went into it being like, I'll just go to him hammered. That would be hilarious.

I went to the first one and then I was like, well, I cannot do these hammered. This is intense. You know, I was trying to coach you into doing one bar one a meeting one right because we're in the part of town that i was staying you can do that you can pop from like church to bar to church to bar to you know basement of a crawl yeah exactly exactly but yeah i mean dude it got i was so depressed i was like i started to feel like just because you hear so many people's stories and they're in such like a lot of people

are in such like a vulnerable place and stuff like that and you're just sitting there like should i think about my drinking more i like started to feel like a real alcoholic and then the first thing i would do after that because I treated it like a full time job because I would go from like one to another to another to another and then I'd grab pizza and then go to the next one and like lunch break yeah and then I'd be done by like nine o'clock

with all my meetings and then I'd go right to a bar just right to a bar or a show where you get paid in drinks you know and the hard thing was explaining to people that i was there on a you know because they go around the room and they're like you know blah blah alcoholic and karen alcoholic and then they would get to me and i'm like hey just you're on a court card and then they're like denial you know

did you ever try to show off and you're be like my name's Olivia and this is my eighth meeting of the day I'm not gonna talk shit to her I think it'd be funny if she actually went in and had the host at an open mic try to sign her card

and she was confused for where she was oh shit did I order a drink did I walk out of my tab at the last AA meeting wrong job wrong job

11.20 creek in the Cave, 11 p.m. What, like sign right here? Yeah, yeah, sign. It's fine. I think I signed a fan's court card at one of your shows. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, at a merch booth.

Yeah, yeah, at the merch booth. But yeah, the hardest thing was really just trying to explain to people that I wasn't an alcoholic without being defensive. Because people would come up to you and they'd be like, how long have you been sober? And I remember one lady she's like, how many days do you have? And I was like, oh, I'm not sober. She's like, I am so glad you're

here. And I was like, no, I don't mean like I'm fucked up now. It's 9am and I got seven more meetings to go to. I don't have a problem. Well, I'm not trying to get sober either it's all right yeah the scary thing was hearing people's stories of their bottoms and their bottoms are not as bad as my bottoms some people had a bottom where they're just like i just don't want to do this to my body anymore you know i've never i've never had a hangover i've never woken up in the street but I'm here

and I feel better and I was like thinking about like there was one night I was so shit faced I went to like a bodega to get a sandwich and I didn't realize I bit my nails so bad that one of them was bleeding and so the lady who was in charge of the bodega was just like you're bleeding

she put a bandaid on for me that's how drunk i was i'm not an alcoholic i'm not an alcoholic yeah oh my god i had to defend myself so many times and then people would be like but there's a reason you're here and i was like well i got a dui when i was like 18 then people would be like i don't want to see you go through the next 40 years of hell that i went through that got me in these rooms i was like i don't want to see you go through the next 40 years of hell that I went through that got me in these rooms. And I was like, I don't want that either, man. It started to scare me.

I was like, do I need to pump the brakes or stop a little? Go somewhere else. I mean, I guess it's probably not like that. It is that exactly. But it's like being forced to go to church a whole bunch of times over and over. Oh, damn. Yeah.

That'd be miserable. You don't wish that on your worst enemy. Oh, I would have found the first cool motherfucker man out here. See how this person signed three times. Do that same thing. Sign that I was here three times. Hey, did you drop this 20? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. One of the, really, I see, like, I'm not, like, wholly against it. Like, I see the benefit for a lot of people. I think that it's. Don't you also think that those people might just be better off if they hang themselves or drink themselves to death? Like, why are we prolonging these people's lives whenever they don't need to be here? It's sad.

It's like an old folks home. No, I don't know. No? It's shocking. It's shocking that he doesn't have your same view on life. Seems like an old folks home to me. Just like, you're just keeping them there. Just let them go.

I think the thing that bothered me, though, was this tendency to be like, oh, I'm an alcoholic, and that's why I'm so lonely. It's like, but you're alive, and that's why you're lonely. You know? You can't go like, it's the alcoholism. The best thing that they can ever aspire to do is to just help some other sad fuck. Because I'm an accomplice now. I sponsored another sad fuck and saved their...

It's just sad all the way around. Yeah, I don't know. I did meet a couple of cool people, though. I met a couple of dudes that I was like, I would fucking... You guys are cool, you know? Didn't you have old guys? Like, Bingo has the old guy she goes down and hangs out with at the bar. The Bisbee.

Yeah, the Breakfast Club. Breakfast Club. Sorry. Something like that. Yeah, after one of them, there was this group of dudes who were like. After one of the AA meetings? After one of the meetings, yeah. They had a lot of time under their belt.

And they were these old timers. And they all were like these old New York guys who grew up in the Bronx. And they they were so fun to talk to we just went to a diner and they tried to buy me soup and they didn't talk to me about anything that had to do with aa they were just talking about like new york in the 70s yeah they're salesmen they're not gonna hit you with the hard sell immediately they're buttering you work you over a little bit but i that was the thing i was like i just they were like do you want our phone numbers in case you feel the need to use I was like I'll just call you for fun

you guys are cool I like wish they I remember too it was like right after I was done with the meetings I think I drunk dialed you on Christmas. I was having a rough Christmas. I don't even remember Christmas. Oh, wait.

That was Thanksgiving. Or was it? No. We were gone. Okay. In Hawaii? Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

I didn't go to one AA meeting either. You know? Nope. Didn't even think about them. Yeah. I think I... You should have went to at least two even in seven days did 29 and then i had to wait like a place sorry cross talk that's my bad

you're not allowed to look that way that's why you know they were talking i was looking at shaley i forgot you guys you could bet you know i just realized you could bend that down towards your face a little bit more no no hold on you do it you do it yeah okay this way just get a little extension on it so there so you don't have to lean so far in oh that's nice oh here we go i was trying to talk into doing stupid shit like make up a new persona for each meeting and do backstory i know i wanted to i wanted to commit to that but i just like i couldn't i didn't like feel good about it, you know? I know. That's your problem. You feel better about doing horrible things.

What, like characters? Yeah. She'd be like Cloris Leachman or something. Yeah, be like one time, be the one-upsman. Tracy Ullman. Oh, that's hilarious. Try to one-up every single story in the circle. You know, like the old Monty Python bit.

That's like acting practice, I guess. Real world. Yeah. That could have been fun. Like a character, right? I want to act like this. That could have been fun. That's a good idea. I think I should have gone somewhere other than the neighborhood I was staying in and

done that because the problem was I would go to so many in a day. I'd keep running into the same people. Yeah, they're not going to go way out of their way. Yeah. Yeah. And I needed... And the other thing, too, was I needed someone to sign it. I didn't have to have someone sign it for all of them.

I could have written it myself, but I wanted to get a signature on every single one or whatever. So, yeah. And I didn't want people to keep running into me. So I just wanted to do it right, because I really wanted the warrant cleared, and I want to get my insurance lowered and all that stuff. But if it was any other situation, I don't know.

That makes sense. It would have been. Your insurance can't be much down here. It's not, but it's. Not in Arizona, no. California, it's probably through the roof. It is, yeah. It's really bad.

And I still even here have to submit the SR-22, which is the proof of whatever every month, and that's expensive. I also can't get into Canada because of it. Well. Yeah. Wow. So I really wanted to get it cleared up and do it right,

but it would have been fun. Were you a lawyer in the beginning of this? Or would you get a lawyer later? Because it sounds like you got fucked on this DUI. Yeah, I had him from the start. Yeah. Well, if we have any lawyers listening out there that want to do some pro bono starving artist work,

get Olivia Grace's DUI expunged. Can someone tell me, too, that if you have a warrant out for your arrest for years, your lawyer should tell you, right? Well, how would he know? How would he know? Because he was the one that went to court and turned in everything and then was like,

yeah, it's fine. I think he would get copies of the paperwork sent to him. Or that things should go to the lawyer and then the lawyer gets in touch with his client. Right. Yeah, I don't know how it works. I don't know either. I don't know.

What a charmed life. Yeah, that's just common sense now you're talking. It might not be like that at all. Yeah, it's not like that. I can almost guarantee it's not like that. Probably not. No, I mean, doesn't it bode better for the state if you're in the dark about a warrant?

Then all of a sudden there's more fees and then all of a sudden you're in jail again, and there's a fees associated with that, and they take your shoes and your shoelaces, and you're humiliating, you're humiliating call to your lawyer who goes, huh, look at that, you did, four years, what do you know?

Yeah, that was the crazy, I was driving like cross country, like by myself. I have a question, your warrant was in california yeah and when you got the you got the dui in california and that's that will cause the warrant yeah and then where did you get notified that you had a warrant when i called my lawyer and asked if i could have my insurance if he could take it off my record it wasn't in another state because i don't i don't think they still talk state to state i don't know they need a computer or something like that i haven't had a warrant for a long time really yeah they

have to not all of them though not all like montana isn't caught up with like florida is it florida is probably not a good example oh shit and that was the other thing sorry that i forgot about was remember when we were because i flew from our florida trip to New York. That's right. And the night before we were about to leave, I get pulled over on the way to the airport, the Tucson airport, to meet you guys after a mic. I get a ticket and they say, you have to clear this up in the next month and do traffic school. So in the middle of all these AA meetings, I also had to do traffic school. Oh, hold on. I remember that now.

Yeah. We were in Tucson staying at our hotel. Yeah. And the night before. And then we pull in, get some drinks, hang out. And Olivia goes, I'm going to hit a mic in Tucson. And it's like way, we're at the airport hotel. So that's southeast.

On our way to Florida. On the way to Florida. We got an early morning flight the next day. And Olivia goes, I'll just take the car. And I go, well, why don't you just Uber? No, I'll take the... And it's the big red, the van, the transit, right? Look at me.

Look at me. She takes it and gets fucking pulled over coming back. And it's like, an Uber? Wasn't a good idea? Well, then they can't talk interstate. I didn't want to spend that much on an Uber to go to a mic. But you could go to a mic and have a cocktail and relax and not think about, oh, maybe I, I don't know, I had one or two.

Maybe I'll keep drinking and take, I'm taking an Uber. That's fine. Yeah. But you're shut down. And then you're driving an unconventional car. It's not your vehicle. The names, nothingquito truck oh bad idea but you live and learn right well thanks for letting me borrow the car guys um yeah and i dude i tried so hard to worm my way out of that ticket by name dropping you that's that's pretty good

it's not always good no i come up on youtube i know you don't know who is look him up on YouTube yeah you know the anti-cop guy the one guy that shot a bunch of cops in LA and oh yeah oh my god you did that one we had we were at a show we were at a show and it was uh it was that it's not the club's not there anymore. It was like a throwback to the 80s. Snickers? Yes, Snickers. Oh, my God.

I used to live by that club. I moved to Fort Wayne. The club caught on fire within a month of me moving there and closed down. You got lucky. It was an omen. So Doug's doing his bit about Christopher Dornan, the guy who shot a bunch of... He was an ex-cop, right? Mm-hmm.

Shot the DA's daughter. Judges, about a list. Ended up in Big Bear. And instead of dealing with him, they lit the place on fire and shot. Burned the cabin down. Doug's got a big chunk of that. We did that on the Pop-Up Vodka Presents.

It's on YouTube somewhere. So we're at Snickers, and we get there so late that I go straight to the venue, start setting up merch, and then getting ticketing going because we're going to run the general mission. And the owner comes by and chats with me and goes, yeah, man, a lot of response. Yeah. Had to hire, like, just to be on the safe side,

I got, like, three off-duty cops. I'm like, whoa. be on the safe side. I got, like, three off-duty cops. I'm like, whoa. Uniformed. Yeah. And they're in the venue. And they were, like, watching the exit type thing. And I'm like, what the fuck? Because he doesn't know the crowd.

The bit is about how Dornan left a suicide note or manifesto. In it, he named a bunch of comedians he likes and i didn't make the fucking list and like margaret cho made the list i'm like really you're gearing up to go kill cops and i i'm not on your list to motivate you yeah yeah name dropping you to a cop wasn't a great idea did he know who i was i don't think so because he was like he he was like is this your car and i was like no it's my boss's car and he was like who's your boss and i was like i opened for doug stanhope and he was like you do what doesn't even know comedy yeah i was like i'm a comedian that doug stanhope he's like okay whatever like just fucking i remember when i lived on the road, I got pulled over for a DUI that I probably should have got.

But at that point, I'd lived on the road for years. So I have a Colorado driver's license with New Mexico plates and insurance from some other state. And I give him all this paperwork. He's like, why is that? And you could see the amount of paperwork he'd have to do going through his head. And he just handed me my shit back. You're like fucking the Bourne Identity. You open up this thing.

Oh, what state are we? I've got a recent bill. I've got a dealer plate. Here we go. Just spill all my driver's licenses like a deck of cards. Paying rubles? I don't know. Uh-oh, Neighbor Dave's here. Hey, go to the merch store.

What do we have for sale, Chaley? Right now we've got the Swollen Valor Tour T-shirts, what's left, and the Olivia Grace boxers. That's not all. What else do we have? There's going to be

like shot glasses and fucking... Yeah, we got all that stuff. But these things... Pine glasses. These are exclusive. The Swollen Valor T-shirts and the Olivia boxers,

same thing, man. When they're gone, they're gone because they're just left over from the tour. We've got shot glasses. We've got some mugs still. Plenty of t-shirts.

I want a mug. I'll get you a mug. Actually, why don't you just go- Someone emailed and said, hey, you need more bar shit for your merch store. Coming up pretty soon. We're doing the Gentleman's Pack. She's based on- We have a largely male fan base.

Yes. Turns out. One of the gals who we ran into in Hawaii And she said it was really funny that I thought she was a guy When we were conversing through Patreon emails And I'm like I don't ever get an email Or any correspondence related to the podcast

Where I assume it's a girl It's always just a guy I imagine some dude sitting there Not a girl So yeah, sorry Nan Alright, we'll have a ladies pack maybe later in the year. Like what? Olivia Grace boxers.

That's why she did boxers, because your fan base is going to be guys. They're unisex. Yes. All right. This chair keeps sinking, so I'm assuming God is telling me we're done. Buy merch. Tell them where, Chaley. I'm going to make it sound like his voice is trailing off bye

dougstandup.com get on there and while you're there get on the mailing list you can find out about all the 2020 dates thanks bye i apologize everybody if i keep uh interjecting and stepping on other people. It's because I'm on this other podcast, and it's the only way that you can say anything on that podcast is to just run over somebody else. So I get used to it. I apologize.

You could say issues with Andy. I was waiting for Shaley to say it. I was wondering if it was another podcast. You're on the side. I got into it. You're on that one. You understand what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Andy, Jesus, I was just watching the last one. I had to watch it because I was 20 minutes late on the other one, the one we just recorded, because we changed the time. It was 11 o'clock, and at 10 o'clock in the morning, Doug calls and goes, hey, I'm 30 minutes out. I'm coming home and I still hadn't got the tv put up all I mean I it was up but I had to didn't dress everything and get everything in the place was a mess because you weren't coming home for two days

and I had been working in here so I had to fucking get all this shit tightened up and cleaned up put a bow on the tv so he would notice. Which he didn't. Even with the bow. I had a bow on the remote that I set on top of a computer he just set down so that when he opened it he had to move the bowed remote and he goes, what's this? And I go, I don't

know. But it's like a fucking remote with a bow on it. I'm sitting right there. I'm sitting right there and the TV's right here with the bow and i just going through mail how do you know a tv the same size is new when it's been well because it had a giant red ribbon wrapped around it that might most people in now didn't notice anyway so i had to uh i'd actually listened to the first 20 minutes of the last podcast and because i didn't hear it the first 20 minutes of the last podcast.

And because I didn't hear it the first time through because I wasn't on the air. It was very funny because Andy just, he sets his mic behind him. And he keeps leaning back to talk. And he keeps doing it. So he's way off the mic sometimes. And it's like, we're just sitting there going, we're listening too to see where you're going, dude. We need to hear you. It's just like anyone else. And he keeps moving it.

Several times during that part, I know you can see me laughing, and it's specifically because I'm watching it. Anyway, whenever I go over to the... I remember for years on the road, Chaley having to yell at Andy after every set because Andy would cup the mic, put his hand around the actual microphone part,

like fucking Eminem or something. Yeah, I'm not really good with soft criticism. Mine is more like, hey, that fucking sounds like shit when you do that. You know that? He goes,

the way the mic works, it's an SM58, so in every fucking club, that's the microphone. Chad, you know, we talk about mics all the time. That is the mic works it's an sm58 so in every club that's the microphone chad you know we've talked about mike's a lot of times that is the mic putting your hand around the windscreen part of the mic is basically hello my baby hello my darling what are you doing and he goes i don't know and then he would pull his hand down but then at the end the closer when he's either too drunk or just wants to get the out out, he'd do the M&M thing. And yeah, I don't know.

He just needs a table to hold a small tripod or something. I don't think that I can throw equipment at him. If he can put his microphone next to his computer, then he can... Because he puts his microphone over here, and then he gets in the computer's face to yell at us, but he doesn't realize that we can't hear him anymore because his mic's over there. So we need to put the microphone by his computer. It's an issue that we're working on. Yeah, issues with

Andy's every Friday on YouTube. Real professional. The last podcast, the Patreon, which I fucking loved, Chad cried. I did not cry. He welled up a bit. But it wasn't during Shannon's letter.

It was your response. Yeah. Doug was misunderstood when he was explaining it to Tracy. Either way. That was good. Your response was great. That was the whole situation.

But yeah, the response part was what got me. Because we all feel like that. Mostly because I was embarrassed to be his friend right then. I was like, you're so fucking cheesy. Fuck you. So I welled up a little bit. But it was kind of ironic that the whole beginning of that was a fan appreciation and understanding what all these fucked up people must be going through

and then it ended up with us just fucking pounding on James and me. Which he pointed out extensively on Twitter. Oh yeah. I love it that he's a supporter of our podcast. Oh, James.

Sorry, James. Not sorry. Well, I'm not really sorry. I'm not sorry. Well, I'm not really sorry. I'm going the other way. I'm playing good cop on this podcast. James, I was thinking maybe we should do an Unbookables show here in the Funhouse and film it. And, you know, send out invites to certain and maybe i love it not others i already made a poster listen the unbooked i put johnny depp on it

call back to the oh yeah everyone heard it they know what's going on i love that he's fooling everyone by like right well no lying i said fooling that some levity to that he's lying to everyone saying that he booked this gig at the comedy store when he clearly he booked a he booked himself in a couple of comics on someone else's show under false pretenses is what happened and he makes it sound like he had it all and he had to call comedy store and goes, look, guys, I'm real sorry. I know I put out a deposit for the room and everything, and you've probably already changed the marquee. I told Dave Smalley to listen to that podcast

because you told me you talked about the show on it. Now I'm embarrassed. You probably ruined everything. Fuck you. People were tweeting me, hey, is this like a ruse, this thing with you and Inman? And I go, I don't know. I don't really know.

I don't know when Inman is calculating in his rant. I think that's what it is. I hope that's what it is. No. Because otherwise, I try to be real neutral with that. I don't know him like you guys do. He's a nice guy. I think he's funny. He's disturbed like I am and like a lot of people I've met since hanging out here.

And I try to maintain neutral, but he makes it hard. Yeah, when you do honestly try to help him, he just shits on all your efforts. So you go, fuck it. Let's just wind him up again. I think that's a podcast. We got football coming up. No, we got some thank yous. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for all the packing peanuts. You know you can't eat those. Someone sent a book that I'll probably never read, but I'll give them a plug. It's right in front of Chad. Oh, there it is. Go ahead, Chad.

How to suffer in front of Chad. Oh, there it is. Go ahead, Chad. How to suffer in ten easy steps. Discover, embrace, and own the mechanics of misery. William, what's his name? I'd thumb through it. William H. Arntz. He's a fan and just sent

you something he did. Yeah, yeah. He's got a... Isn't there a cover letter in there where you can find this book? Yeah, right there. Let me see. When I said I wouldn't read it, I'm just... I'm not...

After fucking writing day and night forever. Not much of a... Not much in a reading place. But it's... All right. I like the topic. Say that subtitle again discover embrace and own the mechanics of misery yeah in theory it sounds good yeah yeah is it on audible it's uh it gives a lot of links.

I'm trying to figure out the best one to do, but I'll just do all of them. Say the title again. They can Google it. All right. How to Suffer in 10 Easy Steps. Here's the website. www.howtosuffer.me There you go. .me?

Listen, that was the best one out of all of them. And it'll be in the show notes too. We'll have a link in there. What is howtosuffer.com? Should we look it up? BDSM. Everything is probably anything that is a really catchy, or even anything.

I remember for a while, mitchhedberg.com would go to a Japanese porn site. Hey, wait a minute. Hold on. Chad's thumbing through the book. I'm reading this thing.

The intro? Can we do that? Can we route DougStanhope.com to some hideous porn site for a day just for fun? This guy wrote the movie What the Bleep Do do we know which was a huge uh like propaganda nice was when i was trying to do the the whole self-help scam i was gonna do that thing until my dude that i was working with killed all them guys remember i told you that story this guy has what the bleep do we know which is a movie that talks about like all of that uh oh that's a very popular it was really very popular.

That's the guy, Olivia, you were talking about that guy the other night. Oh, oh, James Arthur Ray. Yeah. Yeah. Do we need to separate you two? Is there going to be an issue? I don't have a side.

I thought you were on the same side, but you guys... That grift ended. No, I just couldn't remember if I... I know I've told parts of that story to remember the whole thing, but yeah, this guy, it was that same vein of self-help thing during that same time uh and it was what the bleep do we know and it was really influential uh to a lot of uh rubes i would like

to read this book all right uh uh somebody sent me a dartboard. And they didn't give a name? I didn't see the name on the thing anywhere. And then also a dartboard scorer. Scoreboard. Scoreboard. Dry erase scoreboard. Like something for playing darts, though.

Yeah, yeah. Which is something that I really wanted, so I really appreciate it. And Death Squad MUFC sent Joby a bottle of number one tequila, Ron White's brand. So you get all the good shit. I think it's really cool that people send stuff anonymously, but we'd love to plug them on whatever we're doing here. If you've got something to plug or you just want recognition, throw a note in there, because sometimes we don't know what the fuck,

if it's a joke or not. And then we've got something else for Joby, but we're waiting for him to open it. It's for the DSCDP. Yeah, it's Serbian Mike's in town. They're supposed to be coming by, but all this shit. I think we've already gone. There's a whole stack of shit back here.

One day I'm going to take a year off again, and I'm going gonna do it right hey hey a lot of people are subscribing to my uh twitch channel i really i want to say thanks everybody i appreciate it takes uh effort you use it you know the prime subscription they have to redo it every month yeah if you're one of those people that just sits around and listens to the podcast like you're in the bar with us well you can be on his Twitch stream and join in with other sad losers. Yeah, we have a lot of sad losers. I jump on here and again.

Talk shit. I never watch your games. Just get in the feed and talk shit. Yeah, yeah. Everybody's been in one time or the other. I appreciate it. It's a lot of fun. You said Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Tuesdays and Thursdays? Tuesdays and Thursdays and sometimes Saturdays. Yeah, we'll bring the I drunkenly bought a PS4 and I haven't brought it up here yet because I was waiting for a better TV. So now I guess we'll bring it in here and set her up. Nice.

And get some merch. Oh yeah, are the boxers up? Yeah, we're going to do a spot after this podcast ended. Okay. I wish I had a fucking logo. Olivia Grace has the best logo. Oh, the one on the boxers?

Yeah, the one on the boxers that are available on the site. They're on DougStanup.com. Let's talk about it right now then. Yeah. We put, for the new year, we put the leftover boxers from the tour from Olivia Grace's a wonderful logo of the was it Flamingo shaving its head

yeah and smoking a cigarette and Brescia artists who did that he's great and hope you know be cool to just make it match this podcast if he was holding a court card feathers we also put the leftover swollen valor t-shirts the last run of t-shirts from the tour so those will be online at dougstandup.com

Sunday morning let's fucking kick this off maybe it is time for a drink what do you think we have no makings for

Bloody Mary's here there's a Bloody Mary mix that's been sitting I know that's bubbling yeah toss it out I don't drink Bloody Mary so I didn't know. That's bubbling. Yeah, toss it out. I don't drink Bloody Mary, so I didn't know if I should chuck it or not.

I didn't know if anyone did. Do we have mimosa fixings? I know we have champagne. There's champagne in there. But we don't have the mango. Oh, wait, you two. Court card carrying fucking AAers. Let's close.

You want to close this AA style while we all hold hands and say the Lord's Prayer? No. No. No. I want to make another drink. I remember all the lyrics. Yeah. I,

I, I, I learned, I learned it. All right. That's the Doug Stanhope podcast. Keep coming back. It works.

If you work it, bingo, take us out. Okay. Bye. Bye. Now. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. Bingo. Take us out. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.