The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#350: Tom Dustin and Key West Crazies

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

Doug meets up with Boston comic Tom Dustin who now books a comedy room in Key West, Florida. Willamette Week article about Nichole Gililland - https://www.wweek.com/news/schools/2019/05/08/a-student-at-an-oregon-community-college-says-instructors-flunked-her-for-being-a-porn-actress-shes-suing/Support the podcast through our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast and have direct access to the podcast. New subscribers will automatically have access to a Bonus episode every month plus access to all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks in again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon - The dollar a month you will never notice, but we will. Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded Jan. 27th, 2020 at the Comedy Condo in Key West, FL with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tom Dustin, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 Tour Dates are made available first to members of the Doug Stanhope Mailing List. Join today at https://www.dougstanhope.com/This episode is sponsored by The ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast with Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille - New episode every Friday and only available on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ly6FN-DU14&t=1267sLINKS -Comedy Key West - https://www.comedykeywest.com/Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.orgClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right we're in uh key west with uh chaley and tom dustin it was a this is a uh kind of a hennigan vacation where i booked it drunk i called tom Dustin, who's been busting my balls to play his club. And I said, wait, you get a club down there? Does that mean you have a couch I can stay on? I don't want to play there. I just want to come. Yeah.

And that's pretty much the deal I got. But my boss last night was like, Doug hanging out last night was made it all worth it. Wait, your boss was there last night? It joe that i read that runs the giraffe yeah the giraffe i don't know who does what i showed up fucking yeah yeah drunk as a skunk you were lit when you showed up from the from the plane and we went right to a bar and then another bar and the wind was blowing and you were whining it was i had a 6 a.m flight out of tucson which tucson the airport bar opens at six so you have a six six a.m flight like i'm gonna miss you know those cocktails when i get there early uh and there here's a trick

tucson airport uh the breakfast place that's open the second one not the bagel place but the other one uh they have the tall cans of uh hard cider and with their other beverages and none of those girls know what the fuck there's liquor in that one because they don't have anything else they don't have beer or anything they only have uh you know uh angry orchard fucking cans of hard cider so yeah I was pounding those. I was like, yeah, I beat the system. Before it was even allowed. 5.15.

Yeah, you're not allowed. I took that same flight, and I sat down at that place. It's the C Concourse or B? B Gates. B Gates. Yeah. There's no C in Tucson. Yeah, there is.

Oh, there's A and B. Oh, that's right. I was thinking of Atlanta. there is oh there's a and b oh oh that's right i was thinking of atlanta the um the the bar is open at five but you can't order drinks right and the guy was cool he let me sit there but i'm like i didn't fucking grab a sneaky and now all i have i did have a sneaky but i have no mixer to go with it so had i known the white claw trick i'd even muscle down a white claw at 5 30 in the morning don't you dare confuse angry orchard with fucking white claw oh yeah you tom said white claw earlier yeah white claw can be used as seltzer water in a pinch or if you're in a rush

you know like if you want to get real drunk real fast you do vodka white claw versus vodka seltzer or vodka soda because you get the extra six percent i have a i have a bunch of uh uh index cards of shit i just write down or funny things or ideas when i was writing the book over the summer and i'd put them on the fridge and uh one of them was vodka is not a good mixer for vodka number of times i made that mistake i forgot which one i put in i've done that and just completely forgot the the mixer and poured myself a drink half drunk and and then pick it up and i just get a big mouthful of terrible vodka vodka could be a mixer for vodka if you were doing shitty vodka with Grey Goose.

You know, you could pop off in Grey Goose. I'm listening. So I showed up and we're here in the Comedy Condo, which I was fortunate enough to have opened because Tom Dustin had booked himself this week and he's a local. We had a we had a I had a fallout. The headliner canceled and I was like, fuck it than book someone else i'll put myself in there then you called it was perfect timing because you called a little shit face and you're like what are you doing i'm coming on tuesday and i was like uh this tuesday yeah all right unless i get 24 hours to

regret it and cancel and i waited 26 hours and I texted you. And I was like, I guess you're coming to Key West. I mean, it's not a bad condo. It's a quiet neighborhood. Yeah, it's walking distance from all the shit. And there's nothing around that we would not go to. I don't even know what we did that first night. Because I got here at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I don't,

I don't remember much of that evening. Uh, picked you up at the airport and the convertible. We went downtown, stopped at my house, then got on foot. We went to three different bars. Wait,

did you really pick me up in a convertible? Yeah, but the top was not down. I was fucking freezing that night. I thought you were just about to make up an elaborate lie. Since I said, I didn't remember. Picked you up in the 66 Cadillac. Stewardess, you made come with us.

All I know is when we got back, this is a weird address. We'll ask you that off the air because it's a weird address. So wherever the Uber dropped me, I just walked in to the neighbors. I walked up on their porch, and fortunately, there was a number of them out. It was like Steve Martin and the Jerk. Yeah, they're new to the neighborhood. We welcome the diversity.

It's a big family of very sweet black people. Unfortunately, I was suited up in my lemon yellow blazer from the plane. And my tie. They thought you were selling Shinola. They helped me. They thought you were selling Shinola. Are you the cocoa butter salesman we've been waiting on? Hey, mama, the revenuer's here. Yeah, that must have been terrific, though.

It's one of those times where you go, okay, I get white privilege now because I'm a white guy showing up on the airport. You're like yeah some black guy shows up on a fucking southern most fucking tip of the some random fucking porch yeah it's a it's an it's an incident well the best part of that was uh immediately prior to that i go i go hey d, just so they got very strict Airbnb laws here. They got actually an officer that scouts for Airbnbs, unlicensed Airbnbs. So if anyone in the neighborhood asks, you're just my buddy staying at our house and da-da-da. And then you go to the neighbor's house. I'm new here.

Where's my Airbnb? I have to look up the address on my phone they were very helpful no you the 716 you gotta be close by honey yeah i don't know why so so the address is one street yeah and uh and the actual entrance is on another but this is this is a uh habitat for humanity complex so we we we had to go through all this process to qualify oh yeah This is a Habitat for Humanity complex. So we had to go through all this process to qualify. Oh, yeah, because you had the plumber. And he woke me up. Not the plumber, the Habitat for Humanity, like the landlord guy. Yeah.

Any comics that are listening to this right now, the plumber doesn't come every time you're staying here. Yeah, no, he never did come. He blew you off. But the Habitat for Humanity guy, I'm in my, like a night before Christmas nightgown, like a pajama nightgown with my eye mask up on my head when he's banging on the door. Like, I heard the banging on the door in a dream, and I thought it was part of the dream, and I went, no, I think that's real.

I better wake up and i went out and he he said uh joe and i go and he whatever he said i misunderstood him i go are you his dad he goes no there's a plumber coming i go yeah uh okay uh hang on a second let me get dressed but i had sent you a text by that point but you just hadn't seen it yet i woke up to him but he sat out there in that van waiting for the plumber. I'll just wait outside. And then I walked down to fucking Denny's. How far is Denny's? It's a mile and a half.

It's a half an hour each way. Yeah. It's a good fucking workout to get your blood going in the morning. And it has a bar in it. Yeah. It's a Denny's with a full dive bar attached. Key West used to have a Denny's with a full dive bar attached. Key West used to have two Denny's.

There used to be one on Duval Street in the thick of it all. And it became a sushi nightclub. Well, as long as it's not at Denny's. But by the time I got back, that was a long hoof. He's still sitting out there, and he just rolls his window down. And then I started. By then, I'd pieced together the how i fucked up with the making this look like an airbnb and the fact that he's still out there i'm like maybe this is a narc and he rolls down his window it looks like your plumber didn't show up all right he's not my plumber he's the airbnb guy's plumber thanks doug

so uh yeah he left and no plumber came well you still got a drip yeah it's still dripping shower right yeah yeah yeah yeah it doesn't bother me yeah and last night i think you got you got you we were hanging out at the tiki bar at my house. Tiki Bar. I know that's grandiose for what I got there. No. It's fucking fantastic. Qualifies? Eight by nine square feet and some fake grass. Yeah. Four seats on the outside, a captain's chair on the inside.

Yeah. And then you started showing us all the things you had under the bar that weren't booze. You had to keep going back into the kitchen to get booze. Look, I got a machete for iguanas. I got a lightsaber. I got hollow point pellets. Fucking binoculars and a hawk whistle.

Did you know, Jay, if you blow a hawk whistle at an iguana, it freezes. And then you can just shoot it in the head. It makes sense. It's like a sleeping goat. Well, at that point, couldn't you just grab it? Yeah yeah but they're all salmonella covered and and if you grab it it'll start scratching you okay i've seen them bite fingers off they can bite a finger off they're vegetarians though they don't need no they they're fighters they like fingers they'll fight

they're fighters i've seen two of water and it's yeah and it's terrific. It's better than MMA. It's not fixed. Well, because MMA, they don't shit and piss as much. Cats don't normally eat your face, but as Christine Levine told us, if you leave them alone with a dead body long enough. Yeah, he's, what's his name? The cat. He's not finicky anymore. Morris Morris again.

Nine lives, nine lives. Fancy Feast. That's the one. If you're eating a face, that's what the fancy face is. It sounds like a wacky pack. I mean, one of the first things he told me that I remember when we were at this place, goes yeah yeah right at the end of the uh complex there's a uh this asian drug dealing dominatrix lady you want to go say hi we can bring her over right now like she's over there right now i could

go get her and she's a fucking mental case. She'll come in and change outfits for us a couple times. You want to buy some weed? You want your dick sucked? The whole deal. It was a little early. Yeah, yeah. We're waiting on the floor.

Yeah, we're waiting for it to get completely dark outside. But I did that. I saw her. she wandered up to the because i had the door open for smoking in here which i'm not supposed to but he did capitulate at one point and say yeah i guess if you turn on all the fans and open the windows yeah it'll be all right we have uh we have a uh air freshener yeah yeah i've already found it but i'd go why use it now use it on the last day what i used to do is i'd rent the car rent rent a rental car and they tell you no smoking in the

car but there was never any penalty associated with it like in a hotel they tell you 250 dollars if you smoke in the room rental car they just put a nice snicker that says please don't smoke so i would smoke for two weeks in a car with the windows closed because it was cold out and then my trick was always i'd stop right before i'm returning the car i stop at mcdonald's or burger king and get a bunch of greasy fry that something would stink up the car worse than the cigarettes i saw i'm masking it with stinky greasy that's yeah that's how the the bit started really i have a bit about that but yeah but it was started with the rental van where we go let's go get some curry or just shrimp and let it yeah

let it rot the back of the van that we've just been touring in florida yeah and we were like talking about what we could do let's just get a pound because they have those guys on the on the by the bridges where they pull off and they got a truck yeah yeah buy shrimp right there in the back of their truck just on the way to the airport just get no the day day or two before oh yeah i can with the stink but that's more destructive than cigarettes probably like i i used to sell cars when i was young and uh i remember this one particular like two weeks ago well no i i tried to get back into it while i moved down here because i needed to make some money because expensive yeah we're gonna get to your story but so i i when i was a kid i sold cars i sold this lady a brand new

ford explorer and she was a cunt the whole time everything she called me a dummy because i got i didn't i didn't differentiate between mint green and emerald green. So I was the worst fucking guy on earth. And when I finally delivered her her car, and I made no money on the sale because it was a brand new car. You don't typically make that much money on a brand new car. Use gas is where it's at. Nice to know. So on a brand new car.

So I didn't make no fucking money. And it was delivery day. She's coming in to pick up her brand new car. And she was a cunt to me the whole time. And I wanted to get her. And I come up with this as a plan. I took out in the old Ford Explorer. I took the rear, what do you call it?

The spare tire out. And underneath that, I put a little, a couple of drops of mackerel blood. Which never, you can't get that smell out ever and i i opened a uh i kind of semi opened a half pint of milk and i stuck it under her and i delivered her to the car in july and i bolted back down the spare tire and sent her on her way and a couple of months later she come back in there's some smell. I can't fucking locate it. And blah, blah, blah. And we were like, well, that's not covered under the warrant.

Sorry. I had a car I was trading in that one of my cats had pissed in when they took it to the vet. And cat piss couldn't get it out. No, did everything. But spray it down with some fucking, you know, what do you call it? Febreze. Yeah. And for a limited time, it goes.

Yeah. And that's all you need is a limited time for them to take it around the block. Just for the signature. Yeah. Came back in shape. Yep. Yeah. I like getting over on any time I can get over on the system.

Like my thing, I've never paid ever in my life for a phone charger. I just walk into random hotels. Oh, yeah. And go, hey, I think I left my phone charger here. And they pull out a box. And I go, yeah, that's mine. You keep trying them. Yeah.

That one fits. Better like this or like this. So Tom Dustin I've known for fucking years. A couple years. I almost said years. I like just hanging around him. I'm picking it up. But you were always a Boston guy.

And how did you score this fucking Key West gig? I was on the road doing like middling and doing split weeks at all these clubs funny bones and improvs and blah blah blah and i'm getting older i'm tired and i used to come down here and my buddy said hey i want to start a comedy club in key west and i go it'll never fucking work no one wants to be in a dark room listening to some idiot complain uh every week no one it'll never work but for whatever reason the local support and i mean this place just wants something different because you can walk down the street and hear wagon wheel or fucking or sweet caroline out of any acoustic guitarist in town but we were

the only ones kind of offering something a little different so i picked up and like now i'm you know i've been in i've been doing comedy for a long time and got a lot of friends that i owe favors to that are hilarious and and a lot of my buddies just want to like you you want to come down get away from the bullshit and uh yeah especially from massachusetts in the winter yeah i well i couldn't i was getting really depressed and shit because i never left mass to go to new york or la and see where my career went i was just kind of small town i just want to be local locally famous well boston is so you know yeah there's a lot insular yeah yeah there's it it is a closed circuit yeah it is a closed invite only yeah yeah yeah so you got your three headliners and until of them dies, and then they move me up and whatever.

And I hate the weather. I mean, I love Boston. I still love all my friends, my family, and everything. But this is just a fucking better place. I'm happy every day. I ride my bike to work. I'm shit-paced all the time. Like, it's, you know, this is my leaving Las Vegas.

I moved down here to fucking rip it until I'm not happy anymore. And then fucking there's the ocean. You fucking hold up well, though. Because yesterday was onesie, onesie Sunday. It's like a pub crawl in onesie pajamas. Once a year event. They've been doing it for seven years. Everyone, like 20,000 people on the island put on a onesie and you just go to 15 different bars and compliment each other

on your onesies and chaley was coming out i had been here uh but chaley came out too because we owed you this podcast and instead of uh going dark for a week i I said, hey, why don't you just come out for the last few days? I'm really glad you came, man. I haven't seen you in years. No, no. Virginia Beach a couple of years ago. But then it was before that where I first met you. I still can't remember where it was.

I vividly remember Bangor. The first time I ever met you was Rhode Island at a movie theater. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Rhode Island at a movie theater. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Rhode Island at a movie theater. Like Narragansett. Wow.

Yeah, and they had a tiki bar. They had a really fucking cool, that was a cool concept. And I checked in on that place about a year after it. It was totally gone right after we left. We were on one side and they were doing horror movies on on on the other they were doing horror movies on both sides actually yeah that was fun i saw the show yeah yeah that was the same time we went up to uh where you were living doug oh my yeah worcester my first time i went to where i grew up yeah yeah and but then there was the the bangor main show i'll never forget was in a sushi restaurant but the they had an upstairs yeah like balcony part

and so you're at this far end at the top of the stairs and everyone's and there was some stripper that just kept fucking talking and i was trashing her and she didn't even notice she's so wrapped up in her own conversation in the back of the room that she had no idea that i was just the most vicious fucking heckles and once i knew she wasn't listening i was saying the most fucking horrible things right and then she wanted to talk to me after the show and i'm like no no and she's like why not why not she her friends are like holding her back like i kept walking away from her i vaguely remember that there was another one where we were in steve drew was at that show see that one yeah he's from there it was junior was there

bingo was there you were there and you were there and your little dog tooto. The worst one I ever got. I had some woman run out of the Kowloon. You remember the Kowloon Comedy Club in Boston? Yeah, I know about it. Yeah. So I was on stage at the Kowloon. I'm middling for Paul D'Angelo. One of the legends.

And during the end of my set, I do a joke about, you know, something about not wanting to fuck a girl that reveals later that she has a dick also or whatever. And no, no, no, no. The joke was about HPV. That's what the joke was about, HPV. And some woman in the back of the audience was full, 300 people. I heard, fuck you, from the back of the audience. And I was killing until that point.

And I heard, fuck you. And then I was like, and I ignored it because I was at the back of the audience and i was killing until that point and i heard fuck you and then i was like and i ignored it because i was at the end of my set i was just like wrap it up get off stage fine you don't have to address this but i couldn't help it so i was just like did someone just yell fuck you at me and by then she had gotten up out of her seat and moved to stage right where the exit door was and i she goes yeah that was me and i go why would you say that and she goes hpv gave me cancer and then slammed stormed out of the fucking room so i'm then i look over there's 300 fucking people staring at me what's he gonna say to the lows the last words we heard were fuck you and cancer so it it's like, well, how's he going to fix this?

And I recovered decent. But the best part of the story is the woman that ran out of the fucking Kowloon. She ran into four lanes of traffic highway. She ran out into the highway. And luckily, there was a duty cop on duty there. And he saw it and go, well, lady, what the fuck are you doing? Get out of the street. You're in the fucking highway. Get out of the...

She goes, I don't want to live. Blah, blah, blah. And all this shit. And then he finally talks her out of the highway. And he goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? What's going on? The comedian upset me. And I don't want to live.

And blah, blah, blah. And he goes, listen, lady. She was on drugs or something. But he goes, yeah, chemo drugs or something but he goes yeah chemo not for hpv you don't get chemo on your cunt do you well you do cancer all right you don't do it right away you probably have the wart removed and then when you get cancer you advance to the chew those shits right off uh but the cop goes what are you doing i can't let you leave like this you're in the state and you just fucking ran into the highway i can't lay who are you here with

and she goes my boyfriend and he goes all right where's your boyfriend well he's still up in the showroom he's in this guy's killing it the next i used it in my bio and my resume for a while where it was like, I just copied and pasted the police blotter. It was like 9 p.m., Kowloon. Comedian upsets lady, tries to kill herself in highway. That's way better than our police beat. Well, you told me that you had a, someone died. Oh, and then they give me the stretch sign?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like a weird benefit at like an old age thing in New Hampshire or something. And it was like a full room and some guy just kind of leaned forward. Well, hang on. Let's take a break we gotta take a break around now anyway that's a good tease all right good we'll be back with the who died at the show i had a girlfriend in college named fat kathy and she drank beer at a faster rate than I did. And I did the math on it. You know,

I can't afford it. We broke up immediately. It's like, you know, she fucking founded it. She founded a six pack. And I was like, you know,

that's it, man. We're done. Hey everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson from the the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday. Issues with Andy on YouTube.

Yeah, it's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka. Oh, shit. I was drinking cola. I fucked up.

And the V could also stand for video because it's a video podcast. That's it. Oh, shit. As always, I'm right and Chad Shank is writer. If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday. And yeah, well, you keep listening and watching or however you do it, and we'll keep shitting.

So you're in New Hampshire at an old folks home. I think it was Maine or New Hampshire. I'm pretty sure it was New Hampshire. It was like at an old folks home. I think it was Maine or New Hampshire. I'm pretty sure it was New Hampshire. It was like not an old folks home, but it was a show that was catered to older people. And I shouldn't have been there anyway. But some guy just leans forward in his chair. I don't remember even what bits I was doing at the time. But he leans forward in his chair and kind of slumps down.

And everyone got concerned and then you heard the hubbub and everything and then i look over and the booker is like uh keep going keep going you're middling yeah he's like keep going you know he's gonna be fine you know he's giving me that just keep going blah blah blah and uh then all of a sudden the paramedics and shit show up and they fucking load the guy up. And now I can't do jokes anymore. I can just do commentary. It's going to be OK.

He's fine. Everybody, he's fine. As his arm falls off the gurney, you know, he's going to they pull the sheet over his fucking head. No, it's all right. He just hates the light or whatever. But they literally pulled the sheet over his head. No, no, they didn't do it in the room that's okay i'm embellishing but uh but yeah the guy fucking died the guy it was all it had nothing to do with me or anyone else but the fact that we're in a stupid fucking business

where my boss is going keep going stretch no yeah yeah the show must go well you know you can't bring the headliner up in the middle of the fucking corpse being held i got yelled out i got yelled at for doing too much crowd work do you remember who the headliner was yeah maybe santorelli or something like that all those fucking guys yeah fucking paul not easy now dizzy is the best he's funny as hell he's crazy as fuck he crazy uh and a crazy he doesn't listen to podcasts so i can he's a crazy crazy uh he loves jesus and hates gays really yeah yeah yeah he's one of them dudes but funny as fuck he used to do a bit in his act he was was like, yeah, I got my kid Batman and Robin dolls for Christmas. I threw the Robin away.

Doug, you remember when we were in, I can't remember where we were at, but the venue. Oh, it was when that bit you do about the kids, the dance moms. Yeah. And the elevator. Remember the comic that was in the hotel? They had a room. Oh, Jesus.

That was a Boston comic. Yeah, it was. I have no idea what his name was. We played a place. Down the road. Yeah. Irish. But we're staying in the hotel that they had comedy night in the hotel.

And you know how good those are right there's a banquet room with fucking really shitty lighting there's a regular a regular comedy show is there like on a routine weekly yeah once a week in boston or outside no no but the comic i'm trying to boston comic yeah headlining yeah i don't i wouldn't it was new england but the the point is we came back from our show drunk while he's finishing up his show, so we went and set up our merch booth outside of his show. And he didn't fucking laugh.

Are you kidding me? No, no. That's the funniest thing you could ever do to another comic, I think, just try to sell your shit at their show. He didn't have merch either, too, so it wasn't like... No one up there does. People up there don't even really buy them. We sold a. He didn't have merch either, too. So it wasn't like... No one up there does. People up there don't even really buy them. We sold a couple of t-shirts and album, too.

That's hysterical. Someone came out. I think... Was it Junior that was with us? I'm not sure. It was fun, though. And that guy was... Wasn't his wife with him, too, or something?

We were getting stink eye from someone. Even the opener was like kind of, I think from what I remember, the opener kind of wanted to hang, but you like, he knew who you were. Yeah. And we got the idea that this guy was not going to like what we were doing. And he did that. I did not.

I wonder who that could, that would make me so happy to know that name. Cause I know, I know him. Yeah. So some listener, I know him. Yeah, some listener. I'm sure that's recently enough we would have podcasted about it. Oh, we definitely podcasted about it. It's somewhere in there. But yeah, I went to the second night.

The first night I was here, I was fucking hammered. Yeah. Off the plane, obviously. That's why I always get into a... I was worried about you for a split second. Then I was like, no yeah off the plane obviously that's why i always get into i was worried about you for a split second then i was like no he does this he's fine well that's you last night at the fucking onesie thing you texted me sunday morning at 10 a.m saying hey we're having mimosas and making breakfast at my tiki bar if you want to come and i'm like i fucking i'd been up all night on fucking adderall and uh

whatever you use to go to sleep what's that other one seraphim oh saraquel that's the oh that's the one i did after i got off the plane when i got back here and slept 16 hours of fucking monster epic lucid dreaming but the second night then i you know hit it again i went out with you to open mic it was wednesday night oh yeah yeah that was a fun time and then uh time you heckled the fuck out of me yeah i heckled i didn't just heckle i actually went on stage to heckle you are uh i the sad thing is i had two fucking mics on stage i could could have just handed you one. You could have went to town. But the following night. I was giving you shit because you were doing a bit that you just told me like hours before here.

And I went, you can't fucking do that. You worked out bits on me. But what you don't remember is as we were telling those stories, as I'm telling you those bits before we went to the thing, I go, I do this in my act. This is something new I'm kind of working on. Maybe we'll get back to it. It's about the iguanas, which we haven't got back to.

But you said, yeah, I use a little bit of that in my act. No, you did the whole fucking story. Once it's in my head, I tell it a certain way. It's just like telling a story at a fucking family reunion. You were the early show, Doug. Maybe I should check this out on Sunday.

I think I actually went up on stage twice. I don't know. No, it was just once. The best part was the following night when all the young comics in town, they're all like, so is he coming? Is he coming down? And I go, no, probably not. But we thought he's good and i go well they go he gave you a real hot time last night he was uh seemed really mean he said

said you sucked and you stank and you were a fucking hack and pop up and i was like no like i didn't really say that but i don't but but they all if they didn't know we know each other exactly that's what it was is they don't they weren't in on the yeah they didn't know, we know each other. Exactly. That's what it was. They weren't in on the... Yeah. They don't have comics as friends. Well, it's a weird scene down here where there's never been any real comedians. No comic scene down here. Much less open mic where someone is...

Exactly. And they're super sensitive. Like, I tried to... We were going to put on a roast show down here and the kids was too sensitive to do it like uh they were like i can't really say anything uh you're ugly yeah yeah well you stink you smell bad i got a guy gets slapped in the face i host a thing here with comedy key west we do monday nights tonight we do a drunken spelling bee and it's just random idiots that you know you'd give your word try to make it funny and then uh they drink get a drink if they spell

the word right so one one night a guy come down and uh there was a mistake in the names i couldn't read the name on the list and i go is it aiden or is it oh rick is it eight is it aids dick it says it must be aids dick and then one of some dude i kind of know walked up and he goes can i sign up and i go no you can just take aids dick spot aids dick isn't here so your aids dick get up there aids dick and he goes up on stage but i give him a word to spell he spells it he gets up and he's fucking livid and he fucking he texts all my friends i'm gonna smack tom in the face the actual aids dick or the guy that took aids dick spot the guy that took aids dick spot there's no actual aids there yeah uh well i mean there are maybe someone signed up as the aids dick is a goof that wasn't planning on going up. No, but this guy, he got so livid and he was like, man, this fucker, he thinks he's funny.

Sometimes jokes go too far and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, dude, you just walked in. I was calling AIDS dick and you walked into it. You walked into it. And the dude for a week and he called my girlfriend all kinds of nasty names. She's fucked every guy on the island she's fucked up no that's what he said she's fucked a hundred guys on the island and my girlfriend isn't funny but she she was funny this day she goes he's off by 87

but long story short the guy pulled me outside and i go hey man i don't know what you're so upset about it was a joke you walked into. I don't think you understood. You called me age dick in front of 100 people. First of all, there wasn't 100 people. 13. Yeah. And they all knew what we were doing.

They knew what the joke was. The other 87 were out fucking your wife. Yeah. Queuing up. And so, yeah, you fucking slapped me in the face out front of the bar and shit. And it was all, I don't know. Does he come back? No, I bumped into him once or twice, but, you know.

He's dead to me. Small island. It's a small island. No one likes him. No one likes him. He can't take a joke. It's like Becker's Club and chuckleheads and in bisbee they do open mic every week and there's it's so far removed from comedy there that like castle rock kenny has

perfect attendance for almost a year he goes up every fucking week and he said i've been funny twice and we doubt it he was funny once was he because i I was there it was an accident? I go Kenny that's really good like your story I know the story it was when he was got his name Castle Rock Kenny because he was going to

jump off Castle Rock Castle Rock which is a feature in downtown we've got him Rock is there a lake beneath it?

no no just checking Airbnb there's an Airbnb underneath it but the story I mean it wasn't great

what he did but I could see and he's been working on it ever since and I mean it wasn't great what he did but I could see and he's been working on it ever since and I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same as he's done it and he acted out a couple things and now he does he did everything that he wasn't supposed to do more of I don't know

what his compass is for comedy but yeah it's perfect attendance it's funny that like a when a new comic will hear hey man that that that story was kind of good it's not as bad as everything else you've ever done and then they're like i'm going balls to law on that story i'm making my character that story uh henry phillips always had a great idea for making a coffee table book of open mic comics, one funny joke that they didn't even realize. That's great.

That's great. I've seen so many open mic comics with one killer joke that I want to steal it. And they don't even get it? They don't know it's fucking brilliant and everything else sucks? He did one open mic in Boston once and he bombed the entire fucking show. But he had this one joke where he goes, he goes, I just became a father, and my new daughter, we named her Alexis, after what I could have had if I just paid for the abortion.

Alexis. That's a funny fucking joke. Never saw that guy ever again. And I've always wanted that joke. And I just got to do it yeah fuck uh i'm just uh reconsidering going to find mushrooms no that lady that might sell mushrooms oh oh i bet you she's got at least molly or some yeah i can't yeah i can't fuck with drugs this week yeah i can't uh i tried mushrooms for the

very second time in my life this week and i had a panic attack yesterday and i think it's because of the mushroom in the middle of getting back to the uh the onesie Sunday, which you started at 10 a.m. I'm like, Chaley isn't even coming in until 3 p.m. his flight land, so it'll be four before. He's bringing me onesies because I didn't know about this coming down. You told me about it.

And then I said, oh, Chaley's going to come. And we get a plethora of onesies thanks to Bingo. We didn't start at onesie. We put our onesies on at 10.30 a.m. just because it was cold out. And we knew we were going to be wearing them all day. So fuck it. But then I went to a business meeting and had a panic attack. In a onesie?

In a onesie, yeah. With some billionaire lady who wants to sponsor them. Well, they were all kind of wacky down here. She was like, we love the arts and we love what you're doing we want to throw money at you and blah blah blah and i was like well i have to put my head down for a little while they were like the koala's not having a good time i was fucking sweating yeah it was bad news but we didn't even catch up to you until it was dark out and so you'd been drinking since mimosas but slow and steady pacing pacing eating a little but at one point when we were gonna go get food because jaylee and i hadn't

eaten all day uh you're like i i've had enough i can't do it but then you rallied and then we did put in a couple more hours at your tiki bar i just just wanted to hang out at my house. That's my only... I like hanging out at my house. I don't care about bars. I don't care... I mean, I don't mind shooting a game of pool once in a while, ping pong, some shit. But I want to hang out... That's why I kept inviting you over here.

Yeah, yeah. And I should... As soon as I moved in, that no smoking rule went out the window. Come over here and hang out. I don't want to leave my house either. The only editing you have to do this podcast is to take out all the smoking references so my boss doesn't know. No, he's the one who said.

I know. I'm fucking kidding. Don't worry. It's Florida. We can leave every window. Yeah, we get that rotten shrimp. Don't worry. The termites eat all the smoke smell. He's talking about actual termites, not the killer termites.

You, the listener. I told you last night you had termites in your bathroom. Of course we did. I didn't want to. I thought it would be insulting. They're not that specific. They're not like bathrooms only. They're eating everything.

There was a pile of sawdust. And I know what that is because I used to live in Tampa and had a house there, and we had termites. No, I was just doing a little woodworking in there. At the base of the... I don't know. Chaley knows the fucking words for everything. Baseboards?

Baseboard, yeah. I was talking about the one that goes up. Can't be a baseboard. The trim. Oh, the trim on that. Yeah, the base of the trim yeah the base of the door jam yeah with a b by the way jam beat j j yeah jam i'm getting ready for my spelling bee tonight we start at a fifth grade level oh fuck you have a gig it's only 6 15

that's it like 9 15 i thought you said this is a daytime town. It is. That's the one. Do ringers show up? Yes. Oh, my God. We're getting a shit ton of that lately. And because we-

Wait, what shows up? Ringers. Ringers. Like people who can spell really well and pretend to drink. Not only do they spell really well, but here's what they do. They come every week and we reuse a lot of difficult words that's lazy on your part then well yeah but i mean there's only a certain amount of words before you got to open a medical dictionary you know like trisco decaphobia

whatever the you know uh trisky decaphobia or whatever i i i here's what i do uh lately i've been doing uh and mixing up a little i'll i'll go what where are you from and then i'm from iowa and i go all right spell cincinnati where are you from cincinnati spelled des moines yeah yeah and then when when when we have too many people in the finals, and I want this fucking thing to end, because I don't want to be there all night, I go into flowers. Your word is chrysanthemum. Your word is rhododendron. You know? Whatever we can commensurate.

Now fucking botanists flock the place to show off their knowledge. You know who comes a lot? Huge groups of... I don't know if we talked about this at all. There's two tiny islands off of Key West. If you walk down to Mallory Square, one of them is called Sunset Key. That's where Oprah Winfrey bought a house

and it's all mill billionaires and blah, blah, blah. And the next island over is Wisteria Key or Christmas Island. Christmas Tree Island. It's completely homeless populated. What? landover is wisteria key or christmas island christmas tree island it's a home completely homeless populated like they what yeah yeah it's crazy we can go out there it's fucking crazy they've built stuff up there one of the dudes that shows up at the spelling bee he just built a brick pizza oven out there so they get up and people raised it children out there and everything it's

fucking bananas it's like a house of forts yeah an island of four like like yeah yeah like so slab city yeah so but it's like the hippie camp is all these cool kind of weird people that are fun to hang out with musicians and weirdos and hippies and and that that's a cool camp but then you go to the wrong camp and it's those meth guys or the you know the guys that steal tools out of boats and that's they cool camp but then you go to the wrong camp and it's those meth guys or the fucking you know the guys that steal tools out of boats and that's you know whatever the fuck they do pirates yeah pirates real pirates but the funny thing about wisteria and sunset key the rich island you can swim from one to the other and i always wonder if if there's a lot of burglaries. You know, you just swim over and fucking get some

loot and swim back. Get the booty. Wait, this is, you're completely missing the point of who shows up. So the Wisteria people show up? Oh, so these Wisteria guys show up to... Free drinks. Yeah, it's that they come because if you win your way to the end of

the thing, usually you have to drink beer throughout the whole thing. Pabst Blue Ribbon draft throughout the whole thing. And then if you make it to the final round, you get the drink of your choice. And and so most people be like, I'll have a margarita. I'll have this. All those with stereo kids are like, well, instead of getting like an $8 margarita, can I get three Pabst Blue Ribbons? I got to show up. Bada.

Let's bada. But, yeah, they're learning the words. They're studying. They get mad. You know, people get mad over it. Like when someone steals your song at karaoke when you come every week. I love it. I do love Shaq.

That's mine. They're breaking into a house over on the other island, and they're like going, hey, how many M's in chrysanthemum? You've got to say the word, ask for a definition, install tactics. Don't forget that. If I see somebody on the spelling bee that's like a musician i'll give them some stupid i'll give them the what uh what's the company that makes all the symbols zildjian zildjian go ahead spell zildjian it's z-i-l

i was going z-y-i-l-I-L-J-I-A-M. Zildjian. I think there might be a D in there. Fuck. There is. Yeah. Zildjian. You're out.

I'm out. Sit down. I finally. Everyone gets a mulligan. Everyone gets one word wrong. That's your problem, man. Get it over quicker. I know, but the idea is to keep the crowd there.

That's why they hired us. Keep the crowd there as long as you can. I'm trying to think of funny words that if tom dustin said it with his thick boston accent trip them up yeah yeah i've given worcester gloucester i've given i give them all that shit worcestershire yeah it's worcestershire sauce uh yeah uh uh uh region of uh origin yeah we do uh we don't do language of origin we will use it in a sentence for you and we'll give you definition kind of yeah yeah a definition that's you know we make it up on the spot but the when they ask us to use it in a sentence, that's the funniest. That's always the funniest. We always, a lot of

the times, put in the word invagination, which means to put something into something else, like a sword into a sheath, like a pocket. Like your machete under your bar where there's no liquor. Yeah, so I invaginate my sheath

with my machete so invade and then usually somebody can use it in a sentence and then me and my other co-hosts we go come with me and you'll see a world of pure invagination and that's the sentence i would i would say, invagination is a big word that I learned at a spelling bee. I'd say, there ain't no way you're going to be able to spell invagination. Yeah, we do a lot of that.

We just don't actually use it. Your parents are going to be disappointed when you can't spell invagination. Your parents are going to be disappointed when you can't spell invagination. Hey, go to the merch store. What do we have for sale, Chaley? Right now we've got the Swollen Valor Tour t-shirts, what's left, and the Olivia Grace boxers.

That's not all. What else do we have? There's going to be like shot glasses and fucking. Yeah, we got all that stuff. We've got some mugs still, we got all that stuff. We've got some mugs still. Plenty of t-shirts. I want a mug.

You got one right in front of you. That's one of mine? No. Yeah. All right, I'll get you a mug. Someone emailed and said, hey, you need more bar shit for your merch store. And I agreed.

We're doing the Gentleman's Pack coming up pretty soon, which is based on... We have a largely male fan base? Yes. Turns out. All right, we'll have a ladies pack maybe later in the year.

Like what? Olivia Grace boxers. Well, that's why she did boxers. Because your fan base is going to be guys. They're unisex. Yes.

All right. This chair keeps sinking, so I'm assuming God is telling me we're done. Buy merch. Tell him where, Chaley. I'm going to make it sound like his voice is trailing off.

Buy merch, Chaley. DougStanhope.com. Get on there. And while you're there, get on the mailing list. You can find out about all the 2020 dates. Thanks. Bye. Can you dump that dump that fire hazard of an ashtray as much as we're smoking in this tiny place that we shouldn't

be smoking and i mean he still has clothes in here for goodness sakes for pete's sakes yeah i think it's gonna be fine we only smoked what one cigarette each in here that's fine yeah that's uh they are candy cigarettes yeah so we weren't smoking them we were blowing them and i need a drink dr chaley how are you doing i'm doing well good as hell as lizzo would say yeah i'll actually have a... Yeah, yeah, he'll fix you up. There's no Tracy here. We didn't drag the bag to Key West, much to especially Bingo's chagrin.

She doesn't listen to the podcast either. But yeah, she's the fucking... That's her thing, is the onesies. She literally has at least 18 onesies in her closet. Less the two that Chaley's brought that those are great though you had it you had uh you had a walrus you were a walrus and chaley would say now i'm a walrus with two cigarette burns in my outfit at some point for a picture someone flipped my hood over onto my cigarette landing the tusk of the walrus right on the cherry of the cigarette so yeah the

only white part of that outfit has a nice black fucking burn in it i was just happy it matched my fucking loafers i had brown loafers that i slug around in uh but uh yeah that's the only i didn't come to your show well after i heckled you i was embarrassed to ever go back but uh i uh yeah i was here to finish the rough draft which at some point i just said well what's a fucking rough draft like i got the whole story out beginning to end it now i need to you know flesh it up and make sure i'm not redundant in parts and like polish yeah so i so after the second night and i'm at the end where it's like the darkest parts so i'm i'm hammered i'm trying to drink off an adderall that it's been keeping me going all day it's the fucking

middle of the night here i've never even tried to figure out the fucking tv or anything or they and i'm fucking depressed and i'm fucking i've gone through a million text messages from fucking dead people and things and and i'd gotten a bunch of crazy emails from this girl uh the last two days uh like like it sounded like meth head conspiracy theory shit about the fucking they're trying to take my kids and the cops are after me and like i was depressed and i wanted to call a friend but i didn't have any that i wanted to bother with all this shit again this is out of the blue someone emailed you you don't know her she had emailed me in the past but the story had advanced and i don't remember remember. She's in the Crazies folder. So I had a fresh email with a number saying, call me.

And I go, all right, I'll just listen to someone else's way more fucked in the head than me. Did you do it? Yeah, I talked to her for a while. She's been a fan forever, but it just seems like she's off the fucking tit on a fucking meth pipe somewhere. It's a very close story to the Asian lady that lives in your complex right now. What? Like, same thing.

She's got a couple kids, blah, blah, blah. The husband, she's paranoid. She thinks the husband is hacking her phone, so she gets a new phone every week. Well, I don't know this lady. I just assume she's paranoid she thinks the husband is hacking her phone so she gets a new phone every week well i don't know this lady i just assume she's like that and then she's talking to me and like and i can imagine she's i told her you sound like fucking alex jones right now like when he if you watch the austin incident where he just tries to pound every conspiracy theory into a late show friday he's just supposed to introduce me and he just tries to pound every conspiracy theory into a late show Friday. He's just supposed to introduce me, and he just tries to pound every conspiracy in a fucking introduction.

And that's what she was doing. Like, all right, Doug Stanhope, she's a fan. As self-deprecating as I might be, if someone's that big of a fan, and you call them in the middle of the night, and you care about their life, they're going to try to tell you everything at once, and then I'm sure she's crazy.

But people get excited too. I was dismissing all that. It's tough to be, like, even some of my friends that are like big fans of yours, I'm like, yeah, you can't hang out. I'm sorry, but, you know, I know you're going to ruin my fucking rep if you show

up and you're a fucking weirdo or something you know i don't know this guy that well uh i've i've put a lot of that in perspective in the last year and a half or whatever uh but uh at some point i go listen and i told i'm just having a fucking bad night and i i just go ahead and just tell me and she goes you're like you're like doing that bill murray thing where no one will ever believe me i should well today i read uh an article she told me to read because there's one article about what she's going through in the willamette weekly i should just fucking say her name yeah she wants the fucking press yeah it's a nicole liliband l-i-l-i here we go spelling is gilliband gilliband fuck i knew i was fucking

something up i said it wrong so many times you're out of the spelling bee uh yeah but i think you're out for pronunciation i think that that's typically Gillibrand. Gillibrand, but it's one L then two L's. Like recommend or necessary. Yeah. First B. No, recommend has one C. One C and two M's.

And necessary one C and two S's. Gillibrand is G with one L and then two L's. That's tricky. Yeah. I'll put it in's spelling bee tonight. Yeah. But I the second story that she told me to read this morning because Chaley slept till fucking three thirty in the afternoon.

And I've been trying to be quiet and no one wants to get out of bed here. You can't be you can't be you can't take a diarrhea shit in that bathroom and be quiet oh i i did seven louver door i know and he was sleeping on that couch with his head right next to it yeah and i had the violent shits all day and after the seventh i tweeted that after the seventh violent diarrhea i came out and he had moved the pillow to the other end of the couch well worse than that is i used to live up above the bathroom. There's a loft up there. In the loft bed. He was going to stay up there.

But he... There's too much... I think we used to have storage now. You fell off it more than once. I fell off. I got caught. I caught myself on the louver door. But worse than that is

in most houses, like most houses, you have a fan when you flick on your bathroom fan. Fart fan. Yeah, it takes the shit smell out of your bathroom and it shoots it outside of your house. Oh, then shoots it up there? It just fucking, they have a fan with no ducting. So every time my roommate would take a shit, I get a cool breeze on my toes.

Picks up extra strength on my feet and hits me in the face that'll fucking throw you out of bed onto a louver door uh so i so i read the long version it's over fucking 10 000 words that's like fucking 20 of a book uh about this chicken everything she was saying was spelled out by this journalist. And I'm like, oh, fuck. She's not crazy at all. Oh. But I did talk to her since, because it was a definite drunk dial.

What's her name? Nicole Gillibrand. I'm looking for the... Gillibrand? I'll find the link, and we'll put it in the show notes. Mm-hmm. Because the article...

I hope she's okay. Yeah, it's the ex... Not the Willamette Weekly. That's short form. i tweeted the long form today isn't that where that's where she just escaped from isn't andy from kuzma he's close to there yeah oh and then she i think she was staying in eugene before she just got rescued and disappeared she called me uh i talked to her last night and she's like and then she sounded normal like okay i got i got out of there the fucking it's a really fucked up story and it's half of it's not in that article uh but but uh yes but you needed that to make you feel better i thought just

letting some fucking crazy person yap at me would get all the fucking voices out of my head did it work no now but it worked that i've found out a little podcast content was it worked that i found out she's not crazy you shouldn't be in the crazy well i don't know maybe she is fucking batshit crazy but the story put it in context. Hey, drug dial me anytime you want. No, no. I'll call fucking people who need it. I needed it. I fucking emailed her the next morning and said, thanks for fucking.

I didn't really go into my own shit, but I did cry a lot. And she probably thought it was about her story. I was just writing some really fucking difficult stuff. Holy fuck. I have my own fucking unending problems. That's the most selfish fucking nice thing you've ever done. It's all self-interest. I'll listen to your problems yeah but i'm gonna

get my cry out on it wow you saved so much fucking money on it there i can't find it oh that's all right yeah well it'll be in the show show notes i'd love her on the podcast if she could fucking break it down into fucking simple beats don't try to give me every alex jones fucking note of i go i kept i remember saying that to her all right you're now you're introducing too many characters into this and i have to learn about the fucking what they call the kkk in oregon but now it's not called the KKK and so and so and such and such. What's it called now? I don't fucking remember. Come on.

No, it's like fucking the Oregon 3% or something. They didn't approve your membership thing? No, it's just like people that are all fucking... I'm so bad with words tonight. Conspiracy. Conspiring. They're conspiring but they're with the people she was a a chick that did porn and then she was going to school and then they

fucking chucked her out of school when they found out she did porn and that's the the journalist who wrote the story uh yeah he went through all the her shit she like i said she's i have the documents like alex jones i have proof on yeah but then in the story when he went through all of it he's like yeah it doesn't add up and does it add up or doesn't does yeah and you don't write fucking 10 538 words of a story and i only counted those going, fuck. This guy had to write this pretty quick. I spent six months to write fucking 50-some thousand. Kobe Bryant died.

Yeah. Yeah, the Twitter's going crazy. I don't care about any of it. I just care about what I want to hear Burr on his Monday morning podcast talk about what Kobe might have done wrong. Oh, because Burr is a... Yeah, he's a fucking helicopter pilot. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So he's always like, I'm auto-rotating. I'm auto-rotating. And blah, blah, blah, and all this shit. And he talks about all this technical shit about helicopters. And I can't wait to hear Burr be like wow here's what fucking code that was it's gonna be out today oh yeah it's today monday yeah yeah but it happened yeah he died yesterday sometimes burr records him on sundays though oh he does oh sometimes i think sometimes he puts them in the

can a little early it's pretty topical though yeah so uh Yeah. So did you know Kobe Bryant at all, Doug? He was in my top 10 fucking sports guys I would love to fucking see dead for a while. Anyone have him in the pool? No. Nobody had him in the pool. No. If we still did spite pools, maybe, but he doesn't play anymore. But I remember there was one championship series where he had made up this thing I'm going to do.

I'm going to put my tongue out like this every time I make it. Like Michael Jordan and Stephen Curry. He'd actually calculated I need a move, kind of like a touchdown celebration dance. This will be my signature. Yeah, and he just did some dumb thing with his mouth, and I fucking hate that. Like, Steph Curry with the mouthpiece, he hangs it out on purpose.

Like, I want to fucking slap you so hard, I can hear your fucking earring the way I'm slapping you. I fucking hate you, and I don't even like basketball i just if it's on at a bar like put that fucking thing back in your mouth other other uh it's it's moved over to other sports now too i've seen other uh athletes do it and it and i only notice it because it drives you so crazy now it drives me crazy because now that's all i can see. Like the Andy wrinkling bags. There's no way to get any of that SportsCenter clip unless

you're doing something stupid like that. If you're Kobe Bryant, you're already Kobe Bryant. You don't need a thing. Your game is your thing. He sat down with PR people like, what should I do? Do I pull my dick out? No, no. You have that rape thing. Don't pull your dick out. What if I stick my tongue out? no you have that rape thing don't pull your dick out

what if i stick my tongue out did you rape her with your tongue no no no uh so yeah no i hated him but uh i didn't take any celebration and no i'm dying i don't know i don't like when people die sometimes Sometimes I do. But he was out of the league. Who was the last one you liked that died? That you liked the fact that they died? Wow. You know what? I don't know who it was, but I remember tweeting about it because there was someone else that used to.

Oh, I'll tell you who it was. It was Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. Did she die? Yeah, she died. Holy fuck, dude. Yeah yeah they were both in my spite oh my god that's sad but he was prettier it's a little true oh my god they're the fucking worst i used to i because they do have a bail bonds company over there and when that show was popular and i would watch it i used to go i had a

bad string of hate watching shows right i'm just gonna watch this to be upset like fucking bar rescue now i've stopped all that yeah yeah i'd become a better person uh a little bit uh but i would call their actual bail bonds company and fucking say horrible things to whoever answered the phone beth i think her name was beth yeah beth was the the wife but she didn't answer the phone at that point no no i've never been mad at bail bonds companies because they you know they're trying to capture criminal but i mean they were doing no they're trying to get their money back right they're trying to get their money uh i don't like my when i when i make my top list of worst people it's always uh tow truck drivers

probation officers lizards like towing probation offices because i've met some of these fucking people these that are probation and i've had a couple but uh but uh oh yeah not parole probation because these are fucking idiots that went into whatever whatever the line of study that is prison guards correctional officers yeah but it's worse than that because that's social services it's social services and it's like they had to go to school for it in the i mean i've been hanging out with probation offices and they do all the fucking shit that they will lock someone up for if they're like like i've been hanging out with ah fuck it well drink and drive and it's like no that's why

i have how we go see you that's why we have to i have to see you and you're gonna do that thing and laugh about it and know that it's like it's like a televangelist that's gonna pray the gay out of you while he's sucking dick sucking cocks hang on praying's not working let me suck it out of you sit down relax anything father uh but like when it comes to like criminal justice there there's a. You know, all right. You can't just like shit on all of them because some of them are great and the great ones are making a difference. The ones that. And they care like they care.

The one all the probation officers I've met, they they laugh at their fucking job. I got to deal with this fucking guy. He's a come in. He's a stand up comedian. He's got a drug charge and I got to make him piss fucking guy. He's come in. He's a stand-up comedian. He's got a drug charge. And I got to make him piss in a cup every fucking week. And they think they know better about my life than I do. And that pisses me off to no end. I want to fucking.

I think probation officers are the first on my hit list. Not hit list. You donps? Not hit list. You don't have a hit list. I don't have a hit like a fucking... I mean, I have an air rifle, but that's for iguanas. With hollow point BBs. Hollow points for ultimate stopping power.

Stop by the condo and hear the bit. Which condo? Mine or yours? This one. Because I do it at Bull. Well, you tell the story here. You actually kill iguanas over at your place. I get three confirmed kills.

Oh, really? And one that I'm sure died in a tree later on. Yeah. But they get fucking big, man. They get three foot, four foot long, and they shit on your shit. Here, they're like pigeons, and it's weird. They're an evasive species in Key West. Invasive, yes.

Not evasive. Well, they're evasive now. They're evasive now that I showed up. But in the UK, foxes. Like you see foxes running through parking lots and they look at those like rats. Like a fox is a cool thing to see over here. If you see a fox, you tell someone. I saw like 30 of them yesterday

during the pub crawl. Not a lot of original ideas on onesies down this place. Everyone's a fox. There was a lot of fucking angst on the streets last night I don't know if you were too drunk to notice But when we were leaving the first place we met you

I won't mention the name of the bar In case you're a fan Not But yeah that tiny was the bartender's name And people That dude was an asshole Oh a wicked asshole It was a perfect bar

No no not to us I over tipped Twice I tipped twice yeah i tipped him too it was like but the i guess the the pub crawl has like coupons yeah for free drinks oh really and when we were leaving that's when people are coming in he's no it's until six it's after six no i'm not honoring those it closed. But it says 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock is when you get the free drink, but we stop honorably. It's just such a dick. Well, that bar is a very specific place here in Key West that when I first got here,

I was always told by numbers of people, never go in there. Never. It's only, it's a fucking. We'd already suited up in our onesies as we're getting towards fucking sundown and we're walking we don't know where we are we know where it's going to be a fucking 23 minute walk according to a phone way and we're in fucking onesies where i have long johns underneath i warmed up quick uh and a leather jacket and a leather jacket over because you can't fucking carry a cell phone and your cigarettes and a lighter and your wallet and all that shit in a onesie.

You got to go fanny pack. That's what I told Bingo, because second to onesies, number one is fanny packs. Fanny pack. When she found out where Chaley and I are doing onesies Sunday in Key West, Florida without her, you never invite me anywhere. I go, but honey, I probably won't even go because I don't have a place to carry my shit

because you get all the fanny packs in life and I get nothing. I turned it around on her. Yeah, but. So I wore it. Yeah. So we're walking down there and then that's when you call me. Yeah, we switched bars. We're going to the oriole

everyone told me to never go to this bar but fuck it we're going it's a bar yeah no it was fine it's a fucking bar service industry bar yeah but yeah that's what it is they typically they were that that's why that guy was probably so pissed off is they don't open until like midnight. And he had to be there early for this stupid one. During the day. With the onesie pub crawl and blah, blah, blah. And he didn't like me. I walked in, I look around, I go, this place is fucking,

we'll do a show in here on fucking Saturday night. So it's something, whatever, you know. Yeah, they had a little stage. Yeah, they had a little stage. I could probably sit 60 people in there, blah, blah, blah. They had a weird balcony going. And I go, hey, what's up there? And I pointed up at the balcony.

He goes, none of your fucking business. And I was like, I'll just have a vodka soda. Are you the manager? So, yeah, but we left there and then you stopped at a liquor store to get booze for the tiki bar. And then we hung out at the house. But no, right behind you, you didn't even seem to turn around. I'm just standing

at the bottom of the three stairs smoking. It's a package store. Oh, there was a hubbub? Yeah, someone cut the line because the guy who was behind you gave you some polite separation. Like you were at an ATM. Someone walked up in front of him.

Yeah, and then they had a fucking to-do. No, you're rude. No, that's not polite. Fuck you. That was going to turn into a beef if the one guy that was getting yelled at was a fucking man. Well, that's what I was hoping. I saw a little of it yesterday during like early in the day during the onesie pub crawl that's the cool shit i look for is if you can watch a fucking

dinosaur pub onesie guy get mad at a fucking giraffe onesie guy and they stop pushing each other that's oh you're telling this story you're telling this story because I only vaguely remember it. They have some fucking kind of fetish event down here. Fantasy Fest? Oh, God. Fantasy Fest. Is that it? Fantasy Fest. Yeah.

It's the biggest event in Key West. It's October? It's October. It's a week long. Basically, the best way I can describe it is Halloween for a week meets Mardi Gras for a week. And they put that inside a porno movie and it's all whips and chains

and naked areas yeah like 30 minutes is as best as I could take my fantasy fest and you go I'm never doing that again that's about how long I lasted because I went to the premiere event at fantasy fest there's a lot of private parties too a ton of like orgies and

stuff which is great the pigs are here the best airbnb pigs oh no it's just reverse lights i thought it was i thought it was rollers beat it it's the cops uh jesus g g i never understood what the fuck they were saying in the old movies when they were like jiggers jeez it uh jeez it it's the cops cheese it cheese it i don't know cheese it oh no i don't when you get up and run yeah yeah i get it but i've never heard it uh you have but you don't but i don't watch i don't watch old movies fantasy fest you're sitting out there like a regular Boston guy going, look at these fucking weirdos. Let's keep looking at these weirdos.

Little judge contests we're having. We're having a little judgment fucking couch over there, and we're sitting across the street from the main venue of what they call the Kinky Carnival. And basically, it's all these people in fucking whips and chains and some most of them are naked with just a cock sock or tits and fucking ass and whips and spanking paddles and all this shit and they're all a gas mask with spikes on it i don't know why that's useful uh but why do you get spikes on your gas mask? Maybe you should ask more questions and get involved rather than sit on the sidelines like some rotten tomatoes critic.

We were sitting on the sidelines. We were having a little scavenge hunt kind of thing where it was like we'd watch the people walk into the fucking kinky carnival. And we'd try to get them to do shit. You know, pinch your nipple, fucking grab my dick, suck a dick, whatever you do. We had a checklist of shit. Like bingo. you know pinch your nipple fucking grab my dick suck a dick whatever whatever you do we just we had a checklist of shit like bingo yeah we had a checklist of shit that we were trying to get these people bingo the game yeah yeah the game no you just it's like termites like car bingo i'm separating killer termites from termites the same way i am bingo from the game long story is

fucking we're watching the the people walk into this thing and we see a couple leave early and they're in full regalia they they get the fucking whip the chain the guy's on a leash but the lady's not holding the leash anymore he's dragging he's dragging his own leash and his ass is out of his chaps or whatever he's all leathered up and shit and they're mad at each other. They're having a fight. And my friend had the wherewithal to run over and go, hey, you guys leaving the kinky carnival early? And the girl, yeah, because he's a fucking asshole.

Blah, blah, blah. She goes, can we have your wristbands? They didn't match the outfit anyway. Can we have your wristbands they didn't match the outfit anyway can we have your wristbands and then fucking we uh she gives us the because it's like 150 bucks a person to walk in the thing now we got wristbands we can get in but then we realize quickly we don't have the outfit yeah yeah you gotta be dressed like some some sort of weirdo to get in this place. So quick thinking, I throw on a fucking, a skin tight pink tank top that says,

sorry boys, I eat pussy. And I throw on a fucking, a rainbow hat. Wait, why did you have that? A buddy of mine had it. And I throw on a rainbow hat and I take off my shorts

and I'm just wearing tight, skinny black underwear and I go in like that. Sure. And my friend puts on a mankini, which is like a one-piece swimsuit, but it has a picture of a man on it. The Borat thing. Yeah. The unitard.

The unitard, but she's like a hot chick and she wore like a man thing. Yeah. So we walk in like that. And the very first thing I see in there is one of them Sibian machines. The fucking piston machine. Piston driven. Like a dildo on a sawzall.

Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. And I walk in, there's a group of people standing around in a semicircle getting ready for some lady to mount up. Regulators. And she fucking, she looks at the dildo that's on the thing and she goes, nah, that won't do.

Get me the big dog. Get me the big dog. And then like a pit crew comes out and fucking unscrews that fucking dildo. Puts on what I thought was a wine bottle. And she goes, yeah, that's about right. And she settles into her seat and the thing starts fucking her. And all these dudes are standing around quietly. What?

Quietly. It was silent. Other than you could hear the machine. You know, just the fucking gears of the machine fucking her. And her husband is standing. I didn't know it was her husband at the time. But dude standing next to her, patting her on the shoulder, going, you're doing so well. William H. Macy and Boogie Nights.

I'm going to fuck fucking my wife in the driveway in the house. But yeah, so it's that kind of stuff and then, you know, everyone's spanking each other and there's guys jerking off off the balcony so never go to

Kinky Carnival standing under the balcony. Yeah, don't stand on the designated don't stand spots and it's like what's that x on the ground you brought me to that smoking area you brought me to that bar and uh yeah that was the smoking area and uh he's like yeah this is the place that's the balcony watch your drink it's like pigeons shitting and you're fucking that ain't pigeons. Tom Dustin, plug your comedy club. Oh, yeah.

I moved to Key West. I quit my life. I moved to Key West, and I run Comedy Key West, and I try to bring down guys, hilarious comedians, Doug Stanhopes and whatnot. And it's on Twitter, at Comedy Key West. At ComedyKeyWest.com. I don't know how. They'll figure it out. You get it. Comedy Key West.

Comedy comes first. Everyone always goes, Key West comedy. But it's comedy comes first in Key West. Right before Wagon Wheel. Right in your drink. Right after Wagon Wheel and right in your drink. Hey, Doug, I do want to say thank you. Last time we did the podcast, we forgot to say thank you to the person who sent a tequila drinking set to Joby and everyone at Duck's Channel Celebrity Death Pool.

So thank you. And we don't know who sent it. I didn't see the card. Who knows what we have waiting for us when we get back. But yes, Chaley and I had a fucking, we're having a good time. I was going to say had,

we got a couple more days. I can't do anything. Now I can edit this podcast, but today I slept till three. Cause there's nothing to do. I can't do anything. There's no, that's.

And you want to get you guys a golf cart no i don't want anything to do no you want to go the same thing to me tom did the same thing to me dustin is like i got i can get you this i can we'll go uh spear fucking fish in the head out on the yeah we can go on a boat we can go to a chile might chile go jet skiing. We can fucking go sailboat. You know what I really love? This is the best. I like going on the wind and wine. It's a sailboat

trip. It's only two hours and it's just at sunset and you go out and they present you with eight different wines from all over the country or all over the world. That's enough to take the shakes off before you need a real drink yeah they don't serve any hard liquor but they let you walk on with hard liquor oh fucking tom dustin always walks what i loved about him he always walks with a fucking travel mug the same way i go through airports yeah i gotta have him

like yeah he met us at sushi tonight and walked in with it, walked in with it, sat down and we're cashing out, ate my always leftover sushi and then had a full drink when we're already ready to leave and then splashes it into his travel mug. OK, I'm ready. I was about to tell him, hey, kill that. Let's go back to where we can smoke. Oh, I'm killing it. I killed it. Yeah, but i'm saying at the sushi place no i know i know and you're telling a story and you're slowly unwrapping

your straw and i'm like wow he's gonna take a long time with this fucking drink no nope boom right into the travel mug didn't see it coming yeah that goes into my cup holder on my bicycle when i came out here like 20 years ago, and I didn't know anything about it. I was going to the Cayman Islands to go diving. So we stayed here for a few days, and I didn't know anything about Key West. And we were in Sloppy Joe's, and we're leaving, and the bouncer goes, hold on, and I had a drink. And I go, oh, sorry.

I was going to pound it. He goes, no. And he poured it into a plastic like a tegger cup and he goes there you go man and i'm like yeah the fuck to go this is great and that's that's what i just figured it out when you were at the at the well i only bring my my real my bring my cup because i don't want them to have to use those plastic cups because i care about the sea turtles and you know that you know i don't i never use a plastic straw you i know you just mentioned i reuse them they give you a paper straw

paper straw that is a fuck you to to anyone that likes a drink a paper straw because it's you start with a straw and you end with spaghetti that's why i fucking bought you glasses for this place yeah i brought this with me i bring my own glass on the road that's a good rocks glass a fucking great rocks glass and that's all we could find at ross dress for less uh that's actually a candle holder well a straw will come out of it. Other than that, I had these fucking giant coffee cups and a wine glass. I'm so sorry, dude. I didn't furnish this place. This is my.

Well, people don't. Comics don't drink. You don't need to furnish. But I mean, I don't want to take this. I'll take. I don't get offended. Don't be offended by this. But there's no microwave here.

You know, I don't even think you need a stove if you have a microwave. It's on the fucking list. I know. That's specific. The owner is like, I don't microwave anything. And I was like, yeah, well, everyone that stays at your fucking place wants to. So you need a microwave and 1,100 watts. I don't want fucking nine.

Oh, I would have no idea on that. I did find these two coffee makers, but we're going to get you a fucking K-cup maker to make up for the cigarette smell on his clothes. And we could put the microwave on top of the toaster oven. Yeah, he's got a toaster oven. Who uses a toaster oven other than me with leftover pizza? Well, yeah, you had to.

I don't eat cold pizza, but I'll reheat it. But I'm not going to, in Key West, I'm not going to fucking fire up the giant oven for one slice of pizza, which is all I ate for two days. Florida pizza is the worst. Oh, my God, dude. Everyone has the worst reviews. We were going to eat.

It's the worst pizza. We were going to order pizza, and I was looking through all the reviews, like 45 minutes. I keep looking at it, and I'm going, we just got to find something else. And then that's what we found at the sushi place. There's a couple of places that do a decent. But it's all about the water. The water in the dough.

That's why the Jews, they have their water shipped down. They have their water shipped down to make good bagels. The Jewish people. That's what I meant. Jews say Jews. But I don't know if it's like this.'m jewish you didn't know that yes well i did know that because i saw you in a synagogue once and i went oh he's probably just hiding a bald spot all right let's wrap this up and uh then we're going to send Tom down to see if there's going to be a part two of this podcast

with fucking the crazy dominatrix, the drug dealer. I think she's there. Go. We're sending you. I'm doing. I told you, I just needed enough cocktails, and now it's dark. She's a little nutty, though. Like, maybe more than you want.

Bingo. Send us out, and forgive me for all my sins. Click. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you. you