The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#365: Day 02 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 5, 2020

Day 02 and so far so good. Doug is surprisingly upbeat and Henry Phillips got a bath. Recorded April 4th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Ms. Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house. Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Yeah. I saw meat wig treats written on those treats and I gave them to Meatwig and he didn't eat them. But Henry ate them as soon as she came in. Henry got a bath today.

That's what you do when you got a lot of free time. Shed like a motherfucker. Does not stink except in the mouth. When I start doing dog dentistry, that's when I've been away too long. Scrub that. Scrub them teethes. When was the last time Henry even got a bath? Because Henry doesn't like water unless she can run in it.

Yeah, the last time she went to the river. I don't know if that counts. No. No, she smells way worse after the river. It's all algae. I feel goddamn good. What happened? Well, I double-dosed on Xanax last night, and that always carries into the next day.

All right, well, let's kick it off. I just watched the Louis C.K.'s new special drop today. I guess you have to be on the mailing list i don't think that's even on twitter but i hope something's on everyone who raced out and watched it already i hope you're already fucking tweeting oh yeah that retarded bit where you say i'm going to talk about retarded people for 20 minutes i did retarded people for 20 minutes on my last special way better so no i i no, I don't think Louis stole from me. But please, post that bit. And the long version.

The full 20-minute version, which I think is like five tracks. But you can find it on YouTube. I think it's like 20 minutes. Yeah, he sends an email out when something goes out. Someone, by the way, we're getting uh hashtag uh news blackout yeah um i'm getting things to the email uh stanhope podcast at uh gmail um yeah someone said that yeah why don't you do what louis did and he forwarded me the the email yeah for your special hopefully that's i watched the whole thing going oh fuck don't have something that's on my unreleased

special now we're good but that retarded thing I'm like oh come on now that used to be the medical definition like ah you're fucking going ah but uh I thought if nothing else

all you comedy police will be saying uh Stan Hope did this. Post a YouTube link. Not that I think he stole it from me. Just that, yeah, if he's doing that and you think he stole it, that's more exposure for me. That's a good thing. And it's already out. It's not like I'm doing that.

He did have one line where i have a very random note in my notebook i don't know if we talked about this there's notes that like airplane notes where i go what the fuck did i even mean by that drunken scribblings on well napkins yeah the one that kind of made sense but didn't go anywhere was, you know what Noam Ever says? You know who I'm going to miss the most? That baby. That's just funny. And I just don't know where it goes. But he did something to that effect.

Like, all right, that note didn't really make sense anyway. But it's fucking good. The Louis special is very, very good. And, yes, he does talk about it. So I won't spoil or alert anything but yeah it's it looks a little older but you know what he is he didn't he didn't gray like a president but you see some extra wrinkles and uh he did that henry rollins thing i don't know if we said this on a podcast or just talking about i watched henry rollins spoken word or yeah like four in the morning one of those mornings i couldn't sleep

it was no it's stand-up comedy he calls it now uh i've seen i've been watching some stand-up that is more spoken word than stand-up yeah uh uh but yeah he was wearing a black shirt. And I wanted to tweet at him afterwards because he slowly sweat through an entire black T-shirt. And I just wanted to tweet at him and say, wow, I was just wondering. You must have done that with no editing because the continuity on your shirt as you slowly sweat through a full black t-shirt. Louis black t-shirt, of course. He only sweat through the armpits and then a couple of spots around his belly button and then one crease between his tits and his gut.

And yeah, kept an eye on that to see if it disappeared at one moment. You were watching for production? Yeah. Full pause? Yeah. Very fucking funny and you know who I watched last night after the podcast as I was

drifting into a Xanax delirium fucking Kyle Kinane it's on Netflix but it's on one of those the stand-ups or comedians of the world. It's one of those compilation ones, so you have to go through them. So fucking funny. I love that guy.

I know we talked about, that's a guy I'd tour with, and I thought the same thing. Yeah, I'd fucking definitely tour with that guy. But there's no comedy anymore. Remember? It's over. It's never coming back, the stand-up comedy. So, yeah, those are the two. I was going to stay in bed and binge again.

I still have all the Segura and Bill Burr and Bert Kreischer, all those that we talked about yesterday. But instead, I drove around. Really? Yeah, I drove around Bisbee. It's fucking... It's still isolation. Still a town? No, because I went out last week.

Last week was... I didn't see it. I actually saw Mike Montoya breaking down from it when I went through town. I tweeted it. Breaking down? Breaking down his drum set. Oh, they did the flatbed. Yeah.

Played out on the street. Yeah. And yeah, they're just driving through town playing on the back of a flatbed. Oh, it was moving? Yeah. Like a float parade. They were moving. And I tweeted pictures of it. And people are Oh, it was moving? Yeah. Like a float parade. They were moving. And that's what, like I tweeted pictures of it

and people are like, that's not social distancing. Well, it was moving. But the drummer was too close to the bass player? That's not social distancing. Well, yeah, they probably all live

in the same fucking cabin anyway. Bisbee musicians are not the highest paid people there. But yeah, there was still some stuff going on. And this weekend, farmer's market gone. Hold on. Didn't someone say there was a... Tracy, didn't you...

Last night, I talked to the Brechels. Yeah, it was Thursday before news blackout happened. They said they were going to do a secret farmer's market somewhere in town. A renegade. A gorilla market. Oh, in LA. No, here. Wait, not here. said they were going to do a secret farmer's market somewhere in town a renegade a gorilla market oh in la no here wait out here i was talking to the breccials they were asking about what's happening in town i go farmer's market's dead chase is all nope they're doing a secret one oh oh oh i thought you said the breccials were doing it no that the only reason it came up was because uh i was telling them what was going on out here because we were wondering what's going

on out there and I was trying to test the Skype stuff. Well, you know, the meat, you know that Sky something meat at the farmer's market? They're running out of the old co-op. Yeah. Oh, over by Bisbee Breakfast Club. Yeah.

The fucking swing sets at the bottom of the street across from the ballpark. The little neighborhood park. Yeah. They've closed the swing sets at the bottom of the street across from the ballpark the little neighborhood park yeah that's close they closed the swing sets they have fucking police caution tape around all the swing sets that was the weirdest fucking thing i've seen fun is closed until further notice maybe the cops are having a picnic later. But yeah, I wanted to just. Did you see if Beto's is open? You're asking. No, Beto's just had the for sale sign up.

But it's Saturday. They never open on weekends. So Gus the Greek had a sign. I went everywhere. Curbside. Yeah. Knocko. Fucking the only thing in Knocko was the gay 90s bar at the border.

Literally, you're staring at the border crossing, and that's apocalyptic. I mean, it always was, but just having the only bar down there closed. Yeah, sure. I'll take another. What do you drink? Just the weird back streets I've never driven in old Bisbee. It's kind of fun.

Wow, well, look at that fucking paint job. Look at that weird house. Why? To get out of the house and drive around. I want to go drive by San Pedro because all the cotton ones are going to be green. If they'd only let women drive. If we'd only let women drive.

You can drive anytime you want, Tracy. I was going to ask you to chaperone me, sir. Chaley's busy. He's got a lot of things to do now that he has all this free time. Free time. Get back to that job. I just realized tomorrow I got another podcast with the issues with Andy. And this one for the next 27 days.

Yeah. And then we're still doing the regular podcast. I don't have a lot to fucking tell you about. I tell you how many troops were deployed in the Korean War by Luxembourg. 44. That was the least amount of troops of the dozen or more countries that were involved in Korea. I don't even know how I got on that Wikipedia fucking rabbit hole. I watched, it's called the Miami Show Band Massacre.

And it was some ira 1974 or 5 and they were some cover band that was the fucking the all the rage they were the biggest like popular they're as big as the beatles as a fucking cover band with matching suits it was like an orchestra or was it like no no they did disco songs and shit and i guess they'd look disco but uh yeah then they uh they murdered them and try to frame them as ira guys they were dissidents so that's why we had to kill them they fucking blew them up and killed half of them and it was really good it was one of those documentaries that you go this deserves to have six full hour episodes because there's so much i don't know about you know that era the ira itself and this

is just like a 51 minute documentary it's on netflix wait who killed who somebody like the u.s killed the man no no no no the british government uh yeah and uh miami i assumed they were no no maybe they just played leonard skinner one too many times they look like the bay city rollers or fucking casey and the sunshine band they're ugly as fuck and although the guy was saying that a lot of times they couldn't even hear themselves play because of all the women screaming for the Beatles. Yeah, but the Beatles weren't ugly as fuck. These are like Irish, ugly, misshapen heads and smiles. And I'm one to talk.

But yeah, but it was really a fascinating. And it got me onto some rabbit hole. It led me to the Korean War, but you don't hear much about the korean war so i just i read about the korean war and it listed all of the countries that were involved and how many troops they had and luxembourg was at the end and they had 44 troops like what do you even do like you would think that that'd be even more of a confusing problem. Like, just keep your guys. No one speaks Luxembourg.

Like, you guys just fill vending machines or something. Like, just thanks for coming, but stay away. Keep the place tight. Yeah, do you even have guns? Your uniforms don't match. You have uniforms, but they're not matching. Probably nice ones, because there's only a few. Pots on their head.

Collars. Spaghetti strainer helmets. I'm ready, sir. Oh, it just made me think how rare an item it would be to find a Luxembourg Korean War veteran baseball hat on eBay. And only 44 of them made. It would be to find a Luxembourg Korean War veteran baseball hat on eBay. There's only 44 of them made. Well, some of them saw action, right? Did all 44 make it back?

I don't know. Their whole army came back? I did not click on any other links. I should have kept going, but then I had a new Netflix special to start. But I'm just saying, I'm learning things. Yeah. 44. Nothing wrong with that. Fucking dogs are clean.

I know more about Luxembourg and Korea. I want to know more about the fucking whole IRA thing. I remember that being a thing. I was alive during that, so you'd see that on the news. Maybe I should have done a news blackout when I was seven. And I would never have to deal with this fucking IRA bombings. You should watch Dairy Girls. It's all about Northern Ireland during the time of the Troubles.

He wouldn't like that. The Troubles, I love that. That's what they called the fucking whatever that terrorist conflict. Oh, the Troubles. He wouldn't like that. The Troubles. I love that. That's what they called the fucking whatever that terrorist conflict. Oh, the Troubles. Oh, the Troubles. Oh, I don't have any legs because of the Troubles. That's a. That was influenced by Louis C.K.

It's weird because I did recognize a couple of the bits. Fortunately, I have no retention. But when they did that, they released like 48 minutes of a bootleg to fucking assassinate him. I listened to that. And there's a couple bits that they were worth hearing again. Fucking. And now they're tightened up, I'm sure. Yeah.

God damn it. I was so happy he self-released that because when I heard it was out, I thought, oh, Netflix. Oh, Louis C.K. can come back to Netflix and you're not going to put my new fucking special on, you fucking assholes. So, yeah, I think maybe that's the way to go. Maybe Brian Hennigan will finally. I don't know. I still haven't. I've got to write those fucking track titles. I thought you were doing that last night. I started to know. I still haven't, I've got to write those fucking track titles.

I thought you were doing that last night. I started to, and then I forgot. Don't let your, like, don't let yourself be the one putting off getting it done. I know. Because you're on his ass about,

I know. When is this going to go out? And then all of a sudden you're hanging it up. I know. I caught myself going, oh, I'm yelling at him still. And I haven't.

Then you're part of the job.... I gotta do the thank yous. I don't know who was there a year ago. Jesus. Where was that one recorded? Plaza Vegas. Yeah. Well, thanks to the Plaza. You remember when Vegas was there? This will be a nice reminder when this special

comes out. Oh, we can look at Vegas when it had people in it. Oh, yeah. When everyone didn't walk around with like a six foot stick to make sure everyone stayed back. I got it. I went to Tin Town. There's like three whole streets in Tin Town. And there's two nice houses if you go back.

It's weird, yeah, if you go back. And then there's a park at the very end in the back with a fucking little like a poor person's playground. I don't remember a park. Is it as far back as you can go? Nope. Tin Town for you guys

listening at home. Hoping this goes longer. Yeah, Tin Town is you guys listening at home. Hoping this goes longer. Yeah, Tin Town is where the homeless people, homeless shelter is. And there's some ramshackle. Like a halfway house, right? Yeah, I don't know exactly how it works. They do like the weekly lunches or maybe they do them daily. I don't know.

Don't take, like we donate food, like stuff that we, like when we have a big thing here and people bring a bunch of stuff and anything left over in the kitchen. You do that? Yeah, we take it there. They'll take an open thing of spaghetti. They'll take they'll take the. Well, that's why it's like the thrift store. I try to drop shit off when it's closed. Yeah, because a lot of it I know they're not going to sell.

Here you throw this away. It's Hedberg. So I don't I don't have a lot to add it's a fucking peaceful walked I walked a bit I'm getting fat as shit as are we all so

I think I have a well I don't know what you want in the way of window blinds for the new edition but I have a I did discover a couple of DIY things on YouTube alright

yeah I that's a project you need to spend a little time on yeah I tried to fix it in my head what am I doing I don't have a great idea yet it's 12 feet off the ground to spend a little time on. Yeah, I try to fix it in my head. What am I doing? Yeah. I don't have a great idea yet. It's 12 feet off the ground,

and I know you're not going to get a ladder, so you're throwing something at the windows. What are you doing? I wear an eye mask. Okay. But then I feel myself sunburning, and I think I'm going to get a fucking Trump tan line. Like a big wide one, like a raccoon. Like a cartoon burglar.

In negative. In very local news, there was a dog that got out last night in the neighborhood and chased your cat up a tree. Oh, this is an eyewitness. I believe this is an eyewitness report. It was an eyewitness report. Oh, you're aewitness. I believe this is an eyewitness report. It was an eyewitness report.

Oh, you're a cub reporter. Yeah. I had gone upstairs to get on my phone because no reception right here. And I heard a dog going crazy. And then our light came on downstairs at the shop. I saw a big fluffy red dog come barreling around a corner chasing something. I'm like, oh, fuck. Because I knew it had to be.

Police beat. So, yeah. Next week. something i'm like oh fuck because i knew it had to be police beat so yeah next week ran downstairs and meatwig was way the fuck up in the tree wait he chased our cat yes he chased meatwig when i realized he was chasing meat because i'm gonna kill the fucking dog and then i went downstairs and yelled whoever's dog is out get him put him in your yard tie him up i thought when meatwig saw henry get in a bath that I wouldn't see Meatwig again for days He was downstairs a couple times today Yeah

Yeah he's been fucking annoying But that's what he does Very loud Meatwig's the same I don't see anything different about Meatwig Yeah that's what I'm saying He's fucking annoying Jumping up on the bar though I mean that's what i'm saying it's he's fucking annoying jumping up on

the bar though i mean that's uh yeah he's got a little bit of uh retrogression and energy you should have seen henry after she got a bath she was running like her old young self with the fucking legs kicking splayed out like like hip dysplasia. Yeah. I talked to an elderly gentleman down on the 100 block of Van Dyke. You know that last house on the left? It's got a kind of a big yard right before. That? Yeah, this way, going down.

It's a brick two-story. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's got a big yard, and this guy was, he had to be fucking 95. No, he was sitting in a chair. Okay, yeah. But in the middle of a yard that's. He weighs it everywhere. No, he was sitting in a chair. Okay, yeah. But in the middle of a yard that's-

He weighs it everywhere. Like, no matter what. Yeah, he was chatting with me, and I don't usually go that way. Yeah. I don't usually walk the dog. But yeah, I mean, that's such a creepy block anyway. So yeah, he was sitting like he moved his chair all the way out into the middle, which for an old guy that probably isn't very mobile, why don't you just, I mean, the sun is all over this fucking thing.

But yeah, he wanted to chat more than I did. But it was morning. I didn't have a lot to say. Like to you, I wouldn't have a lot to say, much less an infirmed man who's out there breathing the fucking springtime air oh i saw castle rock did you yeah i was out on my stoop drinking morning coffee and he just came walking by so we talked from a respectable distance yeah i didn't see anyone i walked down black knob after the dog was washed and like all, alright, neighbor Dave, Jen, back door. Your door

was open. Oh, so that's, yeah, that was, oh, that was when we got the lady who's running for office from Herford came to get a signature. I'm standing in the main room, which you can look out the back door and the front door from the main room where I'm

standing in my underpants. And I hear a bling-bling. It's the alarm, the ring. It's a notification on the phone. I'm like, what? Ah, the birds. And I turn around and it's the lady with a mask on and a clipboard.

And I'm in my underpants. I go, oh, hey, Tracy, someone's at the door for you. I'm in my underpants. I go, oh, hey, Tracy, someone's at the door for you. I'm in the kitchen. And yeah, she's out there. She's got a clipboard and everything. She's like, I'm a Democratic. I'm just gathering signatures.

Shit, I keep forgetting about Jason Lindstrom. He needs signatures by the 6th of April. That's today? Monday. No. Yeah, it's... Oh, wait. Yeah, Monday.

No, today's the 4th. Yeah. Oh. I wore my jersey to everything. Well, yeah, I'll call him and say, hey... How do they do that? I don't know. I just don't want to blow him off.

He's done so much for us. I want to at least offer what i can i don't yeah this town doesn't seem too worried about things but there aren't people out i just think they're indoors and not worried did you go downtown at all or did you yeah yeah no i did everything i went to that weird neighborhood behind safeway i even went behind safeway that never oh yeah there's old track homes back there you know they fucking lock their dumpsters yeah there's locks on those dumpsters what were you trying to get i was just noticing because yeah when i was in tucson i always just went to safeway's dumpster because they have fucking weird recycling rules. And you had to get up at six in the morning to put the fucking trash out. I'm not doing that.

I just throw my trash away at fucking Safeway. Yeah. Here they lock the things. But again, there was an old rumor that one local restaurant, let's just say they're out of business now. That one local restaurant, let's just say they're out of business now. But back when an old friend of ours used to live in town, he used to dumpster dive for them. And yeah, they'd cook all fucking Safeway dumpster food. At a restaurant that was open.

He was not the most reliable source. That's a story coming from him. And we don't eat there anyway. Okay. I guess that should have been my first question. But have I eaten there? Now that there's locks on those dumpsters, I go, maybe, maybe, and maybe they're throwing away so much fucking food now. No one would go in there and risk.

Wait a minute. Why are they throwing anything away? Everything fucking food now, no one would go in there and risk- Wait a minute. Why are they throwing anything away? Everything's selling. Not everything's selling. Tons of onions. People show up for the toilet paper and leave without the fucking cabbage. No one's eating cabbage. Put the toilet paper in back.

Make them go buy it. Make them go buy it. Well, the thing is, people are, if they're smart, are more worried about being in Safeway than they are in a dumpster. Yeah. There's no people in dumpsters coughing on you. Well, there is. I mean, that's why they stopped the recycling out here is because they wanted to reduce the chance of someone in the sanitation department touching something that came from the gen pop. Just think about the fucking mail. I know.

How many people touch the mail? They put everything out on the shelves at late night at Safeway. And in the morning, everything faced off has been touched. Okay? It's all the way down the line and then you take it from your grimy hands, you put it on a conveyor belt and that goes and other people touch it. I think we talked about this last night when

Valentina did the Safeway tour yesterday. Oh yeah. You FaceTimed, right? Yeah. Did we talk about this on the podcast or just in general yeah she went to the safeway yesterday i go fucking uh give me a uh like a beef roast she goes what's a beef roast i go how about you fucking what's at me and i can go and she took me down every aisle of safeway. Alex made a fucking cameo right when I was pulling his book off the shelf

to remind me to put it on the coffee table so I can read once I'm done with all this stand-up comedy. Going back to reading, I still haven't finished that Medallion Status by Joel Hodgman. John Hodgman. Yeah, I got some books

to catch up on. Man, I'm going to give you lots of reviews. Kyle Kinane, really funny. Like, all right, I don't have an in-depth review. But yeah, I'll send you to some places. The Korean War Wikipedia page. Look up Luxembourg. How many of those 44 died? Is there a parade?

Do they have a Luxembourg Memorial Day? They all came home, right? For Oulag? There's just one guy that died and they have a Memorial Day for him? He fought for your freedom. I don't know if they even have freedom in Luxembourg. Maybe we should bring it to them. Liberate Luxembourg!

I might do an edible tonight. I feel kind of giddy. I feel strong. Yeah, it's important to be in a good headspace. And it's working. I got some dishes done. I'm going to write down everything I do on Sunday tomorrow. Just so I remember it's Sunday.

What have you been doing, Greg Chaley? You're always up to something. I see you walking up and down those stairs on the security camera. Not much, man. That's my news. Yeah. I was going to take a picture of- There he is, up the steps again.

All the security cameras I fucking watched. I used to say Scarface, but now it's more like Mr. Burns. I go, yeah, this is my news channel. That pickup truck is driven by four times. What are they up to? It's just one time around. He just went by four cameras. So, trying to figure out how to get Skype up so that we can get the audio on here i just

have to because the way we're running this is very different from what i've had before so i did a test with olivia i saw olivia today for the first time in a month i went by her house but all the fucking blinds were drawn to the door i wasn't gonna go to the door she's gonna gate i was just gonna yell olivia but jason fury lives next. I didn't want to wake him up. I like her place. I wish she would let me see it. I've seen it on Skype when we were doing those pitch meetings. Yeah.

Silly. Doing fucking pitch meetings. For what? And I'm trying to figure out how to get instant messaging I wonder if we'll get to a place where we do film TV shows via Skype, Zoom

yeah the directors I cut we have to dress all our houses to look like the same house. Anyway, green screen it. Instant messaging. Sorry, I cut you off. I'm trying to figure out a way so that we can have people interact real time. So we could tweet out.

Well, we'd contact Hennigan to have him tweet out. Doug Stam's going live. get on uh i don't know we got it figured out yeah yeah i think i think we can do it on discord is one way to do it i'm gonna start my haircut now i was gonna start this last night i'm just right now yeah is this working i don't know i mean your fucking camera no i'm just gonna do yeah'm just going to do one chunk. There we go. There we go. There goes our A rating.

I don't know where my hairline starts. I don't have a mirror. Okay. Starts on either side of that. All right. I'm going to do a little bit of my hair every podcast. Show the camera. Turn to your left.

There. Oh, that's great. That was a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. It didn't fall off. Is it still of my hair every podcast. Show the camera. Turn to your left. There. Oh, that's great. That was a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. It didn't fall off. Is it still in my hair? Yeah.

Oh, that's why. Well, I was trying to do it over here so you didn't have to vacuum it up in the morning, Tracy. Thanks. Every morning. Thanks. I think about you. Nice.

I'm a caring man. So why did you just do that? What's the point? Because I want to shave my head, but I want to do it a little bit. Straight what's the point? Cause I'm wanting to shave my head, but I want to do it a little bit on the middle. Yeah. I'm going to do just patches. Like every podcast.

Cause who, Glenn Glenda. Yeah. You know what? Join in with me. Shave your head. A little bit, a little patch every day.

And we'll do that for a couple of weeks and then we can clean it up and let it grow out for the next two weeks. Your hair is long it's fucking grotesque yeah this well i didn't use that word but you know long yeah oh man oh that's holy shit do we we must have talked about this oh i got i gotta get another drink this seems like a story i want to listen to well you can listen no i don't want to bother you like a story I want to listen to. Well, you can listen to it. No, I don't want to bother you getting her to do it. I'll stop you before you start it. The wine's a little bit heavy.

I'm not breaking. I had a double dose of red input last night with red wine and beets, and I freaked out this morning. Oh, toilet time. My brother had an idea that if you buy a beet salad at a restaurant, they should give you a beet-colored silicone bracelet, like that Armstrong Strong or whatever. Stay strong. So in the morning when you wake up, you don't freak out. You go, oh, that's right.

I had beets last night. Yeah. Oh, I don't want any more wine. That was the point. Yeah. He wants to change up. Yeah. Cocktail.

I'll do a whiskey Coke, please whiskey coke please i know dave raider right the canadian club yeah dave raider who's uh oh shit he just said that he's doing a safeway run tomorrow if anyone needs anything he wears the full respirator yeah really he's the most paranoid about coronavirus and but i know he listens to the podcast thanks for bringing those fresh beets because i was using the canned beets that you brought and there's just something and they don't even seem to make your poop red which that's or your smoothie red wait do you do pickled beets or do you he brought me canned beets but not pickled because they don't have those at safeway no i don't think so no pickles are, no. I don't think so. Pickled are good.

No, I would never eat a fucking beet, ever. I put them in smoothies. They make it red, they make your poop red, and it feels healthy. And it makes it taste like dirt. If it tastes a little bit like dirt, you think it must be doing something. Like tequila. Or head and shoulders. Remember that tingle should be telling you it's working?

Head and shoulders taste that tingle should be telling you it's working head and shoulders taste like dirt no it's they had that slogan where the fucking tingle makes lets you know it's working well so does fucking nuclear waste tingle drop acid on your hand yeah oh it feels like it's working is that really acid all right so so uh i know he listens to this but yeah thank you for bringing those uh fresh beets because the canned ones they're gonna go to tin town they just leave it leave it on the smell right they don't you leave them on the step out there there's a bench and i'll chuck them through the window in this fucking day and age this climate you don't risk getting out of the car you chuck them through the window. In this fucking day and age, this climate, you don't risk getting out of the car. You chuck them through their window.

Have you ever gone to that neighborhood across from Tin Town on the side where the fire department is? Yeah, yeah. I did that one recently. What's that called? I can't remember that one. The one you used to go through through the tunnel was South Bisbee. Did you ever go through the tunnel? They closed it down

years ago they just bought everyone out it was just like oh you can see it where you make the turn from the where you go to the school if you it's behind the fire i always wonder why that i've never gone up there and it doesn't i mean it looks remote like at the end of that neighborhood it was terrifying you'd go through they had a one-way tunnel in, one-way out. Very small tunnel. And you'd go in there. And it was like that movie California with the K, with Brad Pitt. You know, that final scene.

It was like Darwin. Like a tiny Darwin. Darwin in California. Darwin was in California, right outside of Death Valley. Good documentary on Darwin. Yeah, I've seen it. So it's like that and then they finally because the mine owned the town on a like a 99 year lease and it was

fucking 99.1 and he said all right everyone get the fuck out we're closing this down so they bought them out and then they just sealed off the tunnel which that was where i wanted to go today. Like, fuck. Wait, up to the thing or to go over? I really wished it was still there. There's an access road on top. That's why there's a tunnel. You can walk over. You can park the car. I mean, park the car.

No, no, it's all mine. Yeah. No, don't you read the police beat? Yeah. Yeah, if you go on mine property property they fucking arrest you in a second i don't ever caught that i mean bingo goes down into the fucking the ditch down she used to yeah that's yeah that's city that seems way more dangerous yeah especially in monsoons fucking yeah they always say that was back in the day of Mike, the fucking guy. Mike and Derek used to do that.

Mike the vet. That's how we met Chad Shank, moving that disabled vet guy that wasn't really disabled at all. Just a little higher. Yeah. Yeah, he lost some hearing on a bombing range. But, hey, I'm a disabled vet. Will you help me move? You're fucking 30, and neighbor Dave is over there helping you move he can barely

fucking move his fat fucking knees how's neighbor Dave neighbor Dave it's good I called him the other night I'd check in on a couple of people here and then not anymore that was before this now now I've oh that's yeah

Joby called me today or texted me it's like hey if you're freaked out about company Oh, that's, yeah, Joby called me today or texted me. He's like, hey, if you're freaked out about company, I can just, he has something in the works. I can just, and I called him. He's like, yeah, Dave Rader said you don't want anyone over there at all and i go well that's for yeah pertains to a lot of people but not you we do i do have a question because someone uh asked on uh i think it was on patreon uh wondering if uh death pool is operating the same way if they're changing anything that's a tweet at stanhope cdp or stanhope for the season i thought so too but they are doing trade rounds for april though but i don't know what's going on that's why i said i'd like to know because i saw an announcement

then i thought oh this could be a hoax because then i saw i went onto the website and they were still up in trading here just call joe b here's his number i'll flash it on the screen doug right here call now 24 hours operators joe b just really needs a lot of people to reach out to him at all hours i don't know when chad's gonna come in we're gonna do the regular podcast uh we're just gonna schedule it which a lot of that depends on uh me knowing what day it is i could um set it up. He's doing Twitch tonight because it's Saturday.

And then Sunday we record for Issues with Andy. So Sunday's bad. Well, he'll be day drinking after drinking tonight. And Monday's his only day off. He's busier than me. Who?

Chad. What do you mean his only day off oh he between all the podcasts and the twitching that he does yeah so monday fuck him you gotta go full time now chad you get too many jobs everyone else is unemployed and look at you how the world turns. You used to have nothing to do. Now every fucking bartender, waitress, comedian, they're all waiting for you. They're holding out for a hero. Yeah, I guess we do Monday.

I didn't have a... I think I'm open. I'll check my books books see what's happening i got a couple of yeah yeah give me the hashtag stuff hashtag uh please fill up this hashtag and i have to talk to hennigan about fucking emails i do have and these don't email me just do the hashtag thing. I have a ton of questions on Patreon, but we're going to have to wait until I can get a bunch

all together. Thank you for subscribing on Patreon. Patreon is going to be getting these as video. I got the last two already edited and uploaded them. That'll be up tonight, and then hopefully we'll be on a regular thing to where it goes out the same time that the audio is out to our regular all things comedy channel

so what do you got the emails for doug or suggestions for the show uh can go to stanhope podcast at gmail and this one cole harrison thinks it would be interesting to hear you leaf through a road atlas oh oh sure but I don't know he didn't give me the

it doesn't matter I'm already in that's one of my favorite things to do on the road what do I do I sit there with a fucking road atlas in my lap like your your best suggestions on this i i call you for this all the time hey doug uh we're stuck in boise we're thinking about going we got to get to vegas but it's 18 hours straight i'm going to salt lake or should i do and you would you give me point a to point b which is he's saying hey pick two

places and figure out the best way we can even take a suggestion um also uh avoid the places you hate which i mean if you're driving by who the fuck cares it's just that's a fun idea fucking low let's maybe in may do a road trip i was thinking of doing it's like figuring out how far we could get in a day. Like how far out and back and just do that. Just driving. Like an eight hour drive. So four hours and then four hours back. Just for the fuck of it.

I don't know how far globe is. I've done that one before. I think that's about four hours. It's not a destination. Thanks to Cole for this one. Thank you, Cole. That's a good one. We're going to put a pin in that one. You got this Funhouse coffee table book.

Have we talked about that? He said he heard the idea about the virtual Funhouse tour. Great idea. I thought of another project during Doug's 30-day news blackout. A way to make some easy money. That usually easy for who who easy for you making a suggestion but uh take photos and stuff i just want credit i love people who send me like ideas for bits that don't make any sense at all and then they go you you don't have to pay me i just want

credit um the last thing i was thinking on the air and give you credit and your email address though everyone else can say you're a fucking moron. Let's see. He says, or a picture, like a coffee table book, pictures around the funhouse. Call it what you want. Oh, he gives you a license to call it what you want, Doug. Oh, thank you.

He thinks it would sell. It's like a director's cut. Is that what it's called? He's from Issaquah. That used to be Ground Zero until New York took it over. Yeah. But you know, at the end of the

video podcast, I do a slideshow of pictures that I've kind of pulled aside. So that's one way. We've already ruined it. The book is ruined. I wonder how many emails I have from Nicky Fitz because I keep saying his name and winding him up. But now I'm not going to know. In fact, I'm going to have Hannigan just put you.

You're in the annoying file, which is different than crazies or hate mail uh even though a lot of it was hate mail after the first time i i gave you shit and now it's just annoying because but i bet there's a lot it's just i'm just gonna have hennigan just don't even open them just put them all in there unread he's gonna need a lot of fucking help working my email. So much of it's shit. Why can't you do the email? Because I don't want people putting fucking news in the subjects

because they're probably going to be dicks. Yeah, they will. I really enjoy this. I have a question. Yeah. One person on Patreon asked, why are you doing this? Because it's something to do.

I don't know. It's a fucking gimmick, I guess, but I like it. And I'm going to really enjoy 30 days. I mean, look at what happened in the last 30 days before I started this. You would have fucking no idea.

I was going on the road. We were leaving on the road for what we thought would be a full fucking tour there was no fucking death count on the right side of cnn another was go it was it was conjecture no so i want to see it was not only that doug it was the beginning of a multi-leg tour also with recording all of the things for your audible book yep i mean this the the year if you looked at the calendar you go ah there's a lot of space in there shaley no there was all the stuff that was in the works that was going to get done while we were on that first leg of the tour yeah and a lot of that tour is going to pay for a lot of shit like bills

i'm still paying credit card bills that you go oh I thought I'd have that tour money don't worry I'm fine I'm not fucking broke or anything not like you guys I still have enough to fucking donate to the random out of work bartender charity but uh

that's drying up you better find a fucking Amazon gig. All right, here's Pierre. Oh, I know Pierre. How do you know Pierre? Well, no, Pierre from Grusso, I think his name is. No, Grusso is the G.

Yeah, Grusso. G-R-U-S-O? Yeah. Yeah, he's on Twitter all the time. He's, I like you. Is that Peter? I don't know. It's Pierre Grusso is what I remember.

But yeah, you always have something good to say. I like you on Twitter. It's very important to be positive on Twitter nowadays and every day when you're talking to me because I'm thin-skinned today more than ever no no today i feel pretty good all right so uh hey shaley doug invited suggestions for the 30-day lockdown podcast we that we canceled that name it's it's the 30-day news blackout yeah yeah whatever it is as long as it's hashtag news blackout to get

tweets to us. They're all vetted. The playlist we got from the original Tin Can Rehab was great. It'd be cool to see another one. That was before we realized how stupid it was to put other people's music on podcasts that we could monetize on YouTube.

Yeah, that's true too. And I've only learned like four new songs since six years ago i think you could can't you make a playlist and put it on like spotify link it no you can make one and put it on spotify and then people just go and search stanhope's spotify playlist good idea that's a good idea thanks pierre uh baked doug is hilarious so i hope some edibles are are lightly sprinkled throughout the month i don't think no they definitely will be it's definitely i was very high when we did the high one but yeah if i just do one yeah i mean i didn't feel like i needed to

tonight but i did consider it tonight but yeah we'll definitely be doing edibles still get a small stockpile and last thing is more toilet paper than edibles. Still got a small stockpile. And last thing is commemorative. And more toilet paper than edibles, which is a good thing. Because I don't want to get to a place where I'm wiping my ass with a gummy ring. I had to the other night in the little house. Tracy came in. Not a gummy ring. Sorry.

Sorry. That sounded weird. It sounded like you reminded me of something. I had to use a latex glove. I'm going to have to use a gummy ring for an asshole. It's one of these things where you look around and you're like, fuck. I'm hobbled, so to speak. And I need something.

And there's nothing. It's a little house. You're away from a lot in the little house. Oh, shit. That's right. There's no toilet paper in there. No, no, there is now. a lot in the little house. Oh, shit. That's right. There's no toilet paper in there. No, no. There is now.

There is now. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Also, there's no longer a pair of latex gloves. Oh, I was going to do that. Here's psyllium husk. That's something I bet people don't know to hoard at your local Safeway. Psyllium husk in the fucking vitamin section.

You take a bunch of psyllium husk. That's almost a guaranteed no wiper, depending on your diet. You take a bunch of psyllium husk. What it does it swells up it pushes all your shit you can't honestly say no wiper everything is a one wiper well yeah everything is a one wiper you check but that's a wipe yeah yeah yeah all right but still i'm just saying you that's a lofty goal. It's a trust fall if you don't want to use the one square.

I don't like these underpants. You can kind of tell. Why don't you just eat more fibers? Who's eating your ass in these troubled times? Let's call this pandemic the troubles. Just based on the irony. Yes, we'll call it the troubles, just based on the irony. Yes, we'll call it the troubles. Nobody knows that except me.

It sounds like a mother talking about a period to her teenage daughter. Yeah. It's a little bigger than that. This is how we made it through the troubles. Psyllium husk. You didn't even think to wipe. But yeah, no. In fact, send your no wiper diet recipes at the hashtag.

Send your no wiper pictures. Show your assholes. Just a Jeff Beamish sky candy. Ass candy. No, if you have a fucking some no wiper recipes put them on fucking news blackout

and hashtag no wiper hashtag no wiper hashtag news blackout and just send your recipes for a hey this is how you avoid needing a lot of toilet paper or latex gloves it's a fucking smart idea all right what are we at like 25 minutes

yeah i don't want to fucking do these too long all right you're at 50 shit yeah all right well hold on his last thing was commemorative merch band Bandanas and head tubes. Head tubes are like the thing that Michael got. It's like a beanie, but it's open on both ends. And you can use it as a buff, they call it, for back in the... Or a balaclava. Yeah, really? All right. Balaclava is something that warms your neck and goes up over your nose.

Or face coverings. Yeah. Yeah, that was fucking Mackenzie. That was one of her first ideas. They were going to sell bird cloud face masks. That was before they were, you know, an item that is hard to get. I can't find the word.

Coveted. Not coveted. It's not extinct, but... I can't find the word. Coveted. Not coveted. It's, uh... Yeah. Yeah, like, not extinct, but, uh... Rare. It's a... What's a species when they're fucking going extinct?

Endangered. Endangered. Endangered. Thank you. Thank you, brain. Rare sounds better. Yeah. Whatever.

Endangered is more immediate. I'm gonna go watch some goddamn Netflix. Let that dog jump in the bed. The dog's been in the bed with me twice since I've been walking it. Yeah. Doesn't hate me as much. Miss Kenny. I don't even know where Derek's house is on Blacknod now He doesn't have my new phone number

But I don't even answer the new phone number I want to get Tom's phone back Switch out with him The one I gave Tom I have the iPhone I know I gave it to him I found out where he lived today I've never

Oh is he staying down there Cause his car is up by the Y I never knew where the Y was Till I saw my car that I haven't seen in a month Wait he's still driving that Well it's sitting up there by the Y That's how I know where the Y is I go oh that's my car this must be where Tom lives

I went through all these weird streets In old Bisbee that I never drove down today. And I'm like, I know a lot of people that live up here that I've never... Andrew, I know, lives up there. And Alex. I've never been there. The only house I've been to is Gretchen and Shawnee's. But everyone else that comes here from Old Town, I've never been to their fucking house. Andrew's house is really fucking cool.

Yeah, it is. It's like right on, like cut into the mountain. And that's way up the gulch, right? I didn't do the gulch today. I was saving one for tomorrow. You know when you go up the gulch and there's that little market? Yeah, Mimosa. Market up here?

Yeah, Mimosa Market. He's up the hill, like straight across from that market. I don't know who goes there. Mimosa Market? Everybody goes there. Is it the Mimosa? Is that the one? Yeah.

Yeah. The other one's open, and I haven't been in there since before I moved here. High Desert? High Desert. Yeah, it's open, and I remember- Twee's just opened over there too. Yeah, it's up the hill now i didn't know that they moved yeah yeah that was that was a year and a half in the making

hey that's what we should do doug is do a walking tour of uh of bisbee until doug collapses i i swear my fucking lungs are so bad in the morning where just this slight incline i think i said that walking fucking henry like i i did my 14 days i know that's not coronavirus and i'm running out of cigarettes 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 send me oh oh American Spirits yeah yeah

Yellers they have like they have yellow American Spirit have yellow orange and then one

in between yellow and orange there's a lot of fucking colors there's purple but you why make it so confusing

how many times have i gotten fucking orange or off orange when i wanted fucking yellow american spirit for christ's sakes chartreuse like that wall unbelievable i hate these just send me i don't know i think i my list is very short and I've said everything on it. So let's just get the fuck out of here. Have a cocktail. It's getting maybe past sunset. It's dusk. It's beautiful.

Let's fucking throw rocks at those birds that incessantly chirp with their happiness. Get your vitamin C. Take psyllium husk. Tell about your poop god damn it fucking nick swartzen i know i talked about it yesterday his special and i think that's stand-ups of the world god his fucking his closing story about fucking shitting himself you know like all comedy could just be about shit and it's gonna kill but his story he's so fucking funny i love that kid uh yeah his fucking closing story i'm not gonna give it away it's shit related but yeah watch that and tell us about your poop tell us about your life tell us about anything that's interesting

for me to talk about because you are my news carefully edited vetted and redacted for anything I don't want to know take us out of here crazy pants.

One, two, coronavirus! Okay, bye-bye now! Thank you. Thank you.