The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#368: Day 05 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

Day 05. How you doin' Quarantinians?Recorded April 7th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house. Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast I'm gonna get this out of the way right away because yesterday we forgot then I had to cut it back in Chaley had had to do editing. So here's today's haircut of the day. Yeah, you got it. You got it. Yeah, that's a double wide. Here, turn around all the way so everyone can see.

You have to close up. Yeah, our lighting sucks. Turn more to your right. There you go. Oh, perfect. Yeah, it's looking good. Got it Maybe that will help

Help what? Lighting Yeah That light I spent more money on Amazon For equipment last night again Yeah There was some boxes

Some packages That was just yeast. Ew. Oh, how you doing out there, Quarantinians? Did I coin the phrase? I don't know. Quarantinians. Could be a generation.

They're lazy with the generation X and Y and Z, and I don't know what the fuck. Quarantinian generation. Gen Q? Hashtag it with hashtag news blackout. Man, we didn't do well yesterday, didn't do well yesterday. That was dumb. That was bad. That was too early.

It was too many. It was a two podcast, but it was too many and too many people like, like Jenny came in with Chad and they, everyone was hugging each other and I was like, I shouldn't hug people. Yeah. You've been sequestered longer than anyone. You and the Brechels have gone the longest. I think you're even more strict with it.

Yeah, but it doesn't count if you just include small instances. That's what I mean. Who's not going to hug Jenny? I know. Everyone is hugging everyone, and I'm going to be a douche. I've succumbed to peer pressure for a cute girl. Have you been drinking? Not very much.

Wait, hold on. The question was, have you been drinking? Yeah, yeah, like five cocktails. That answers yes. Yeah, but not for me. Well, we're going to start at 6 o'clock. We didn't have a plan. We don't even remember last night hold on a

second the plan is every day unless otherwise reminded us of last night but i don't remember a lot of the details till i saw i don't know how many text messages you got of hate like olivia grace it takes her a lot to hate and she she she indulged because we did two podcasts yesterday the one you've already heard and then our normal one that will go out tomorrow i guess both of these go out uh yeah the one we're recording our usual wednesday podcast that's to everyone daily this is a daily so yeah you'll see this and then that but after that because joby and chad were here and uh oh fuck i mean i got a good night's sleep i took a saraquil i slept the usual 13 fucking hours with a couple of piss breaks in between. And like, oh, yeah.

Oh, we did that. Oh. Well, we thought Olivia Grace, she's way more panicked than even I mentioned yesterday because we went down. She hasn't seen a human being for fucking three weeks, locked up, and we thought we'd go down and entertain her

from outside of her gate at a safe distance. She's a block and a half from where we have the haunted house. So after we did two podcasts with Joby and Chad, Chaley's, the Traley's, we thought, well, let's go entertain her. But she wouldn't answer her door, and that was her fatal flaw because we know she's in there she she told me today well i thought if i just don't answer the door they'll leave and that wasn't the case that just made us dig our heels in even harder you guys were in her hot tub oh yeah that was empty yeah no there were three men in it oh yeah i guess it wasn't

empty after a minute it was a quite a spectacle and then looking back on it i did that about the hot tub cringy thing i was cringing this morning thinking about it yeah well it didn't get like you know get drunken mob mentality yeah i it. I'm walking my dog off leash. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that lady. I yelled kind of in the distance. Not a good way to meet neighbors. No, she was fucking horrible.

Like, come on. Stop. It's a 14-year-old fucking blind dog. Her dogs are great. I know. How does a fucking lady... I just said you have the most beautiful dogs can you get your dog off but it's not really your property really it's uh there's a fence between

well it's called fence fighting when dogs on either side of the fence they're not fighting well i mean dogs were happy fucking little collies and my dog was staring with fucking blue eyes if i'm trying to get the sympathy of the jury i'm going to use the phrase fence fighting well i should have done my bit that i oh my god i've been going through my bits going which is going to be worthless after this and which is going to be oh i can breathe new life into it with a coronavirus angle you had some you had some stuff you were working on but that was i mean that was over a month ago and things have changed and yeah yeah there's things

that i can breathe cpr into and go okay that's a bit i'm tired of doing but i do you know who fucking knows what's gonna go on with stand-up comedy. I do have a question because people have been asking about it. Wait, let's get back to Olivia Grace. It got a little, like, we were very drunk. Our intentions were pure

to go down there and try to... She's fucking terrified of this. It was, it came from a good place. No one was trying to scare anyone. She's like 15 years old or something. Something like that, yeah. I think she has a learner's permit. I don't know.

She doesn't learn how to fucking handle a pandemic like we do. And she's still- Us old salts? Why, back in 1918. Well, then Joby licked her fucking doorknob. That wasn't- And then I had to lick her doorknob. And then I kissed Joby. You kissed everyone. And Joby kissed Chad. And Chad kissed Joby licked her fucking doorknob. That wasn't. And then I had to lick her doorknob. And then I kissed Joby.

You kissed everyone. And Joby kissed Chad. And Chad kissed Joby. And yeah, we. And we already talked on the podcast. I didn't remember till this morning about how she fucking washed her door with fucking Lysol. Just having a. Weeks ago.

Early pandemic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The fucking whatever plumber came in or something. And then she was out washing her door with fucking Lysol because they had come in and they were not done. And they came back. So she had to wash it again.

No, but they saw her with a fucking breather washing her door because they had touched it. And then they're like, we're not done. She's like, I've never been her door because they had touched it. And then they're like, we're not done. She's like, I've never been so embarrassed. Because they, yeah, I forget about that. Yeah, I forget she's serious about this.

No, we're all serious about it. But at the same time, she's, yeah. And I think that if she needs to, if she feels better Lysol-ing her door, because that's what everyone is finding, their level of how they're going to deal with this. She said after we licked her doorknob, she Lysoled her door so much. And she wasn't kidding.

She's crying. Oh, wow. That even though there's like three doors, there's the fucking screen door and then the other door. Outer door and then the inner door. Then an inner door and she could still smell Lysol while she was in the shower. Well, that's because it's all over you. I don't know.

That's what you have to learn in the pandemic. Yeah, don't trust anyone. Don't try to make anyone happy. We're just having fun. You don't even know what's... I go, yeah, don't tell me.

She was about to tell me what's going on in the news. I don't... The news is... Spent the day, took a Seroquel. We were in bed. I was in bed by like 8 o'clock. Yeah, you were early.

Tracy and I cranked it up a little. 13-hour Seroquel sleep. Fucking beautiful. Woke up to, again, birds chirping. As I... I didn't... I finally finished Tom Segura. Fucking...

It's great. Ballhog. And then I tried to start another one, but Alex O'Meara is a writer, actor in town. He's been on the podcast. He's helped me with books and given me notes. His book that he just wrote. Hey, if you can,

when you finish that, if you finish that, I'd love notes. I just get notes from my agent. Oh yeah, fuck it. Because otherwise, it's going to work on my book. So yeah, I just finished that.

It's great. I read today instead of watching. I started Fortune Feimimster i don't know how you pronounce it oh the female comic yeah yeah yeah uh i started like five minutes of it i'm like i gotta i gotta do the book first i don't know i i i felt good today for his hungover and all the regret of, oh, how many friendships am I going to kill during this fucking pandemic? Stay in bed and read a book. And while I was reading a book,

I was listening to a very animated conversation on your side of the street, but it's across the street from you. That's how quiet this fucking neighborhood is. You can hear children laughing, birds chirping from blocks away and you want to throw rocks at them both. You hear a dog that sounds like it's right next door and it turns

out it's three blocks away up on the other side of the gully. Yeah, and you want to throw rocks at all of them. Birds, children. You know what? Meatwig, for all his fucking loud annoyances, has never beheaded a child and brought it home. And for that, I shun him.

Step it up. A dove? Come on, bitch. You're a giant cat. You try and catch a dove. Get one of those giggling children. Children are a rarity in this entire town. You just see a child.

You go, who has a child in this town? There are two elementary schools and a high school. I don't know where everyone, like, maybe they bus them from somewhere else to come here. I don't know how it works. I'm paying for it. Bingo is fucking...

I try. She's quarantined a couple blocks away in the quiet house. And I'm not doing good all the time. She's just not doing good. I won't go into details, but it's... Yeah. just not doing good i won't go into details but it's uh yeah uh i wish i could

you give her like here's an idea like she she was getting uh she was going to the gym before they closed the gyms like everywhere else. She had a personal trainer. And then the personal trainer was coming to her house. But Doc Mark, our own personal fucking wink, wink, nudge, nudge. He's a real doctor. He's the ICU doc. Her personal trainer was coming to her house. I go six feet away, et cetera.

He said, no, just don't give that up. So she got exercise plans all right here's your four-day regimen so today she tells me okay i already did four days of my four-day regimen this morning in one day and i already did my my dose of mushrooms. She's taking mushrooms like micro dosing. And this is fucking noon. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know. And then she calls me. I'm reading the book. Can you

do a drive? I've been doing drive-bys to visit her from the street, from the car. She said, I'm up to seven. Now I've done seven work on regimens and I know she has to do eight to make it a round number you can't do four in a row and then just do three so yeah she's like the those people that uh they they do experience where they put somebody in a cave total deprivation they have

no idea of what like time is just gone they could they could be in there for a week and they think they were in there for a day and then they think they were in there for a day and it was weeks you know well because she's by herself yeah completely yeah and then when she goes oh you did a podcast with other people like yeah i guess I am kind of cheating a little bit with you and Tracy. And then yesterday, Joby and like, that sounds like a party. Well, it kind of turned into a party. But today she called me and she said, hey, my meds. Oh, fuck.

Meds are important. Do you know anyone who's going to Safeway? And we know Dave Rader. Full respirator. Full respirator. And I didn't want to fucking bother him,

but I did. I go, hey, if you're doing another Safeway run, talk to Bingo. Meds. He goes, if it's meds, I'll go. So, yeah. Oh go so yeah that's nice yeah he's fucking

if he lives i would be really not happy happy's the wrong word but somewhat satisfied if I lived and Dave Rader died what are you saying because he's like so over the top hazmat suit kind of Ebola virus fucking what's the place in Chernobyl Chernobyl's a place he's very Chernobyl about this

and if he died and I didn't I'd be a little bit satisfied except that he's very chernobyl about this yeah and if he died and i didn't i'd be a little bit satisfied except that he's making all these runs oh by the way the uphills left you oh yeah yeah they love you cigarettes yeah they left me a pack of cigarettes i keep thinking maybe i'll quit if i run out uh and then cigarettes keep showing up but they left me some salmon and I happened to see the fucking mailman on a security camera or mail lady

I don't know what shifts they're taking and and I went out and I and I'm like alright this is a bag obviously someone dropped off but no note it just was like you know the butcher where you go to the butcher and they wrap it in paper and tape, and it just says, red, 819.

So, from last year, August. Yeah, it's salmon. And it's frozen. I can feel it's frozen on a hot day. Yeah. So, I got it, And a big block of cheese. No, no. It's not cheese. I don't know what it is.

It's mousse fat. Oh, shit. I'm so glad you didn't take a bite. I should have froze that. That's in the fridge. That's fine. That's fine. All right.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You take that mousse fat, chunk of mousse fat, and you put it in a pan and cook a fried egg in a pool of mousse fat. I've been doing that with the bacon fat. I use the same sheet of tinfoil for four different pounds of bacon. And I just scoop up the bacon and then I mix it into Henry's food. Because fuck it.

She's going to die. She might as well eat happy. I mix it in the fucking canned dog food. And yeah, then she eats it without bitching as much i do remember that you ratted me out having a snack of bacon the other night with you the other day yeah yeah that was that was yesterday that was it was a long day what are you doing don't tell it you said she caught you already. No. Listen.

And you look to her, it's like, I told you. And it's like, oh, man, you're fucking ratting everyone out. Yeah, you should rat me out for some stuff. Yeah. We can play that game if you want. Yeah. I think you got more bullets in your fucking bandola. What do they load a bazooka with?

My bandolera? Bandolera. Oh, my God my god yeah i woke up so positive i wish you woke up at fucking 5 30 in the morning with me because i'm so fertile in the morning my head is like yeah i'm writing down notes of stuff and things this morning i was like yeah we get a fucking if you're a quarantinian and you're sitting there in a fucking place like bingo yeah find the positive what can you change in your life because so much shit is going to change because of this what's your idea hashtag news blackout yeah what what what are the upsides what are you doing that can change your fucking life i mean i we've already talked about a lot of the things that can change and fucking traffic can be less and well i mean everyone's noticing certain things

that are changing yeah what are you doing out there, listener? Should I make eye contact? Restaurants are getting better at deliveries. Yeah, we don't have that option here. I might go get a pizza after we record. Gus says that they do. I like Dylan's pizza better. You think Gus has a better attitude?

If you don't follow all of the, every single episode of the podcast, Gus the Greek pizza in Bisbee. Shut the fuck up! My God. That shut him up. He froze. I know.

I was hoping. Look, he's still frozen. Oh, he's like, ah, fuck you. That's what he said. 4.30 in the fucking morning that fucking cat is doing that that's why I was up

at 4.30 the first time you better have something dead for me and it better be a kid get up on the bar like you fucking learned to do again it was like 6 years he stopped getting up on the bar like you fucking learned to do again it was like six years he stopped getting up on the bar knocking over drinks shut up yeah Gus the Greek is the equivalent to the soup Nazi in

Bisbee Pizzarama yeah and uh he's angry all the time but I wonder if his attitude has changed during the pandemic like a lot of people have become happier and friendly and now it's just take out only yeah but it's also closed when i saw take out only closed well yesterday was monday yeah this was this was a day no it was uh sunday yeah that's he's he's it on the road there there There's a bunch of businesses. And China Garden just closed, too. It would have just held on for another two months. No, no, it's been closed longer. Nah.

It doesn't matter. 20-some years. You know what I hear? Helicopters. Because we don't have a lot of air traffic control. because we don't have a lot of air traffic control. You don't usually hear things in the sky other than those stupid fucking birds that you should be out killing.

Get up on the bar. Make a presence. Take us out, Meatwig. If we can get him on the bar and on a mic, we're going to replace bingo temporarily with meat wig take us out meat wig uh yeah and the so when you hear a helicopter rarely but sometimes it's border patrol and generally it's life flight to tucson so in a news blackout i hear i've heard two or three helicopters in five days you're like what's going on huh are they are they carting bodies out what's going on kind of like it i panicked for a minute

but What do you got for feedback there? I got a couple things. I don't know how to do this. I'm trying to see if there's anything. Oh, shit. That's up there. Yeah, I'll pull it down here so I can read it. I do want to say someone on the Patreon channel, Bill, said,

Hey, Shaylee, that beat bracelet idea is an older Adam Carolla bit. Beats by Ace. So, yeah, my brother probably told me about it. I just assumed my brother. My brother doesn't usually steal material. Probably not. I was thinking that. I was watching, well, the fucking five minutes or whatever.

I watched a Fortune Feimster. Yeah. She did a bit i go yeah it kind of kills a bit that fucking christine levine should stop doing anyway if she's still doing it because it's about her bit was about her kids and they're all grown adults living but yeah you do comedy 30 years yeah someone. Someone already did that bit. It was different when I was starting out in comedy when there's only fucking five channels

and a little bit of cable. Yeah. Everyone knew everyone's bit. Yeah. They're going to fucking... And there weren't that many specials on. I mean, everyone's stuff is out there now. Yeah.

And the accessibility of it. Someone did email me. Emailed to the podcast, Stanhope Podcast at Gmail. Frederick emailed me. I guess I should put the glasses on. Max Kellerman hammer reference in episode 366. Doug said somebody reminded him of Max Kellerman. He didn't want to hit him in the head with a hammer.

He just wanted to make sure you were aware that Max Kellerman's brother was actually murdered with a hammer. There's probably a reason. Were they twins? No, they're both sports writers. Fuck him. Max Kellerman and Tucker Max have kind of similar faces,

and Max Kellerman is not as big of a douche as Tucker Max, but... Oh, my God, that guy's fucking grotesque. Tucker Max. Yeah. Stupid fucking... I got a couple of uh emails please people loving loving the uh the dailies and the pocket like the video is for patreon only and then the just so everyone knows these are still being released on our all things comedy i'm not sure how that works either i know so like

like we record one i record the audio uh one and i post it separately on our all things comedy channel so you can get the same podcast oh okay so you're able to get them so video is only available for patreon and you can go to patreon.com slash stanhope podcast to get in uh right now it's a dollar yeah do it five bucks voluntarily before I force the issue Chaley brought that up I I brought that up because Sam Tripoli and not I I agree with him yeah it should be five bucks know what you're worth and now it's down to five bucks but you can get it for a dollar I was thinking we should do maybe uh because it was the old uh toner scam my first telemarketing scam yeah there's been a price increase on your toner for your me out of

fucking copier i forget how the pitch goes it's been since 1985 but uh i think i think yeah if you order now we're gonna put in a effective price freeze so yeah yeah get it get it for five bucks now or a dollar now while you can before i change my mind and if you were already in at a dollar you're grandfathered but if you cancel i'm gonna fucking jack up that credit card i have that credit card number i'm gonna buy all you do not have any access to any of this. That's how I got fired by the governor of Nevada in 1988.

The governor of Nevada in 1988 did that. Yes, that was the customer abuse. Have you not read my books? Get the fucking Audible books. Do that while you're fucking sitting around. This is not fame and digging up mother. they're available on audible get on some audible i don't know when they're going to be able to send a fucking crew down

here to tape the new one it's supposed to be this month i'm guessing they're not going to be able to do it this month is chaley going to be a director of the Audible book? Perhaps. Generally, a week ago, I'd say, no fucking way. Now we might have a guy on Skype going, can you do that again? And can you buffer up? You're cutting out a lot. Oh, fuck this. How about I'll just read the book to you on a podcast? That's a $10 fucking Patreon.

I'm going to read the whole fucking thing on camera. And you're going to get every goof and misstep and stutter and slur over the fucking 40 hours it takes me to read eight hours. Maybe that's how it works. It's a new America. We're making it as we go. I just texted as fucking Johnny Depp's Tara Johnny Depp Island

that I went to. Was it December or something? They have like eight people that staff the island that he goes to once every five years or whatever and they were they're very nice and i i texted him and i i texted tara the manager of the island and i said is uh is it uh i was just fantasizing about boats of american refugees coming up to your island that you have to turn away as they wave cash at you

trying to evade the fucking virus. Because that's how this whole thing started. This is a 28 days later scenario. If you know the movie, 28 Days Later, a guy is in a coma, doesn't know that virus turned into zombies. And, yeah, coma doesn't know that virus turned into zombies and yeah so I'm

doing a fucking news blackout to see if at the end of this there's zombies that Jay didn't tell me about or whatever happens you're in the hospital bed now in a coma basically yeah but I thought

who doesn't know about this whole pandemic? And then, I thought today, oh, those fucking people on Johnny Depp Island in the fucking Caribbean. Caribbean, but Pirates of the Caribbean That's when you say Caribbean

And that's why he has that fucking island The Bahamas They're all fucking sequestered there Do you think there's Eight fucking people there On his island Is one of them suspect Is it like

With Piggy Is one of the lord of the flies yeah lord of the flies is one of them coughing and they just sequester him to a fucking you go to the south bunker and don't come back meet you on the dock splash yeah one of them's olivia grace, No! You can't bring me that coconut. He might have touched it. Did you lick my coconut? It's a quiet day here today.

After yesterday's two podcasts. Three? I did Issues with Andy in the morning, too. Oh, shit. Did you? Yeah. Wait, was that yesterday? with Andy in the morning, too. Oh, shit. Did you? Yeah. Wait, was that yesterday? No, that was the day before.

That was the day before. Yeah. Ugh. I looked at Tracy today. I mean, I basically was, I watched four episodes, five episodes of The Wire, and I'm like, I can't keep this up, man. The drinking. Yeah.

Well, drinking. I mean, then she talked me back into it she goes oh come on I'll help you today I was woke up in bed started reading the book in bed took a minute which I never do even when I'm writing I'll just sit down weird like

Ichabod used to do with his hips displayed he'd just sit weird on a hip like I'll sit down like that I go this why don't I just adjust my chair okay that feels good but I'm too lazy to just do that so I adjusted my chair and I'm like oh wait I need water and my phone and then I sat in a comfortable place where oh I can read for a while and then when I got bored I moved to the fun house I changed my location so I call bingo over at the quiet house I go listen you get different places you get the bunker you got the fucking couch in the kitchen for some reason it's weird she's weird but like she's gonna she's good at the eating thing where okay i can only eat at fucking eight noon and four well just have a different location go to the kitchen go to the

living room go to the bunker and yeah, yeah, okay, that makes sense. I could do that. She doesn't do it. Then she, I can't. I should not be left to handle myself. I'm not in any position. Yeah, you're not. But you are.

So try to make it fun. So, yeah, your suggestions on how to make quarantine fun, especially for a fucking... She's gaunt. I go, just go outside and get... That's the one thing. We have no reason to be fucking pale. It's been beautiful, 75 degrees almost every day.

The wind is a problem. But yeah, we should be fucking sunburned as shit like we're in Belize during this. Get out in the fucking sun. I mean, the rest of the country probably does not have

the luxury of fucking gorgeous sunshine. Decent weather decent weather yeah it's like every day i'm waiting for rain to start my fucking book again oh yeah i'm stuck inside that's a day i have a fucking day left and then five more days of other shit finishing your book yeah well you're you're there still haven't written those fucking track titles for that special but i have not uh heard hennigan bitching that that's the last step to get the special out but maybe he's correct in not that he's doing it knowingly but i was thinking yeah maybe because everyone's burning through everything like i am and then they're going to be out of netflix and every other

fucking streaming service and now there's really nothing and this is gonna last for months and months okay then finally they want to get you back to the table to negotiate oh not netflix but they're gonna have nothing left to watch like there's nothing left there's nothing in the hopper you guys both had the fucking problem with downloading louie's thing if i put it out on my website maybe we'll learn from louie how he fucked up and making it too difficult to download his thing still got it yeah just put it on fucking YouTube on a fucking trust system. At this point, there's no trust. Like 28 days later, you can't trust zombies.

I did watch a special last night. Which one? Tracy and I, we played darts and continued drinking, and then I put on a Bilber. Paper Tiger? Oh, no. Oh, wait, Paper Lion? I don't know. People? Something about people. darts and continued drinking and then i put on uh bilber uh uh paper tiger oh no uh oh wait paper line i don't know people something about people what the fuck was it he's got like he's got fucking you people are all the same i'm not on fucking netflix by the way tracy was wrong i looked myself up on netflix i'm at a place where i like i would never do that I've heard that I wasn't I heard that I was

no I'm not I looked it up I can take the fucking I'll tell you some ones that are things that suck they have people oh they're putting out like Tim Allen from 1991 on a fucking

Comedy Central special. And really? None of mine that you used to carry around? Sorry, I said that word too many times. I'm looking for the search here. The Bill Burr one was that. I searched it this morning on Netflix. I want to give credit.

Bill Burr's was You People Are All the same, I think is what it was called. There's one called, It's fucking fantastic. You get to walk out of here or something or walk it off or, I don't know. There's one I've seen, probably two I haven't

or two I don't remember. I saw them, but I didn't. Todd Glass has a couple. Yeah, I've found a lot of stand-up, except for my own. Hey, how about that? Fucking torture them on Twitter. Torture fucking Netflix on Twitter that you want to see some Doug Stanhope.

Well, you're right. You're not on here. Except for Oslo. Oslo was the last one I remember, and I was glad it was not on Netflix. That's the only one I really don't like. And if you don't know the backstory, well, it's because it's Ask Brian Hennigan, who coerced me into doing a special way too early

because it was cheap. I just started doing this material. Ooh, but we have an opportunity. He had the venue, right? You know what what look that up put put that side by side with anthony jeselnik i never did tweet this but uh i i i got a couple of his on my fucking queue but i think it was his last one or a recent one is uh fuck what's the name of it look it up because whatever it is it matches the uh uh from across the street look at the cover of from across the street

and put it beside anthony jeselnik's last. He should have had that cover art. Because mine is me crossing the street with a baby carriage on fire in a crosswalk in Oslo. Is it the fire at the maternity ward one? Yeah, fire at the maternity ward. But the cover art is just him yeah but my cover art was me crossing a crosswalk with a baby carriage on fire and his is fire at the maternity ward i'm like i should have traded anthony jeselnik you're feel free to time stamp this podcast and send it to anyone i'm talking about like yeah that's you that's your cover art. We should have traded out.

That's a fucking good one. Which one? Mine. I haven't heard his yet. I'm going to hear all of these. Yeah. Let me go through a couple more of these things. Someone, Will Crothers, emailed me

and he put together a couple of playlists. So if you're hanging out and you want to listen to music, and then there are Doug Stanhope-inspired playlists, and those will be in the show notes listed on the page for today's podcast. Another person, Ken Harris, says the video is a great addition. He wants to help out by being with Patreon. Recently retired, and the wife and i are thinking about driving cross country in october with a box full of full-size candy bars and wish to take the butcher wish to take to the butcher of black knob does the shady

dell agreement still stand i haven't heard it mentioned in a long time. Ken Harris. Yeah, the Shady Dell agreement was the Shady Dell in town is a vintage trailer park that you rent the trailers, old 50s Airstreams, set up to the fucking... The themed, like really fucking cool. That you rent like a hotel.

And the claim was if i'm in town and you're in town you're staying at the shady dell i'll stop by for a beer and that only happens if i'm in town while you're in town and i'm not fucked. The I'm fucked is the asterisk in the... If Doug Stanhope has been drinking heavily for days and he thinks he's going to die, he's probably not going to show up, but he'll send you a thank you message and... Yeah, be on your way.

Or sometimes, more than a lot, go, all right, here, just come to the fun house so yeah that happens too you can uh shoot a bogey and uh i go i'm too fucked we just terrified olivia grace and no suicide and now we're just living with the guilt and repercussions, so I can't come out. I don't know. Will anyone be alive in October? I like that people are planning for October because I have UK dates.

Yeah, you won't even be here. They might not even be there. That's true. I might go over and, oh, the UK is dead. It is like 28 days later. I go over and oh the UK is dead it is like 28 days later thankfully I wore this you know a hospital coma smock like 28 days oh wait I have a 28 days later haircut it wasn't his hair all patchy yeah yeah I don't know why that why was his hair patchy was Was he doing podcasts? No. Oh, that's that Cillian guy that I fucking hate his face. He's on...

Cillian Murphy. He was in a Batman movie. I don't know why I didn't hate him in 28 Days Later, but I hated his fucking head and everything else I saw him in. So the other day you were talking about the documentary um of the ira and some cat from uh he's irish and you just say some cat some dude i can't say his i don't know how to pronounce his name c-i-a-r-a-n yeah i don't know that's like this c-s-i-o-b-A-N. Yeah, the fucking Irish. They just like to be weird.

We just want to make it difficult for you. I don't know what accent that was. So Steve from Ireland wrote in. Actually, he's from Dublin, and he learned a lot of shit that he never knew about the period. It's called The Secret History of the Troubles. It's from 2019, and it's on YouTube. And there's five links. We'll put that in the show notes as well. Shit, I gotta figure out YouTube.

I think I have YouTube TV in there. You do. It's a fucking... You know what? This is like... God, was it eight years ago that we went to fucking Manson's place for Bingo's birthday,

and he had the shit on the wall. Like his entire wall was, you can watch whatever you watch on the internet. I still haven't figured that out. Projector. That TV. Yeah, but that TV's big enough

close to a projector. I'm going to make a drink. I got another question. Yeah, well, talk about, yeah, YouTube. I got to figure that out. What do you need to figure out? yeah YouTube I gotta figure that out what do you need to figure out well I gotta figure out how to watch yeah you're in the shot you're fine this fucking works yeah I didn't change my shirt I

was really proud of myself for changing my shirt every day I should suit up for this I don't fucking know I feel pretty good I'm not in a bad place So tell me the question Oh okay I was focusing on your Drink making there Let's see I don't know if it's a question but

Hennigan called me fucking five times in two minutes. And it was all dead air. And then he finally... Like, just WhatsApp me. WhatsApp didn't work. Yeah. I can't hear you. You just keep calling me.

And then he finally... Give me a few minutes to figure it out. Like, 20 minutes later, he goes, I bought this state-of-the-art Google phone. Oh. So is he on Google Fi now? I don't know, but he said, it only works with speakerphone. That doesn't sound state-of-the-art. It sounds like when you had your fucked-up phone,

it would ring and go straight to me. Well, yeah, that was my fault. I had it set to forward to my old number and then I no longer had access to that number. So, yeah, it was all fucked up. So, hey, Darren in the UK, he sent us an email. Day four watched. Sunday afternoon in the UK, enjoying the daily podcast. Doug should bring back Word of the Day.

Also found a website that gives you a daily cocktail recipe. Here's an insight. Here's just for you. The word that I used in my book, the new one, that I go, all right, that's a stretch. People are going to know that's thesaurus.com. Saturnalia is another word for debauchery. And you know, when I'm writing a book, there's not enough words for debauchery.

There's not enough synonyms. So yeah, Saturnalia, look for that one. synonyms so yes Saturnalia look for that one I was thinking about putting that like in the intro and the outro what do you call that fucking outro thing the wrap up

the Tracy Tracy when you end the book the epilogue thank you Tracy call you on your yeah i've got my bluetooth in yeah i i thought about like all right hey if you can tell the words that i would never know

naturally and like put in a bonus for patreon no that's just gonna distract a fucking listener put in a bonus for Patreon. No, that's just going to distract a fucking listener. He's just going to not be looking for big words. Some of them I knew on my own. What was the fucking one I go, I got that tumult. I got tumult on my own.

Tumult? Well, you just fucking mispronounce everything. That's why I don't let you read these things. Maybe I'm Irish. So Jamie Larson has a suggestion he sent me a fucking hate jamie larson well you're gonna you know i don't know if you're gonna like this you talked about uh well tracy was talking about how your nose hairs are uh out of control yeah jamie larson sent me a link to get the i went i looked for my nose hair trimmers today. I couldn't find them. So J.P. Larson sent me a link to the WoWax Wax Warmer Hard Wax Beans Kit.

Hair removal waxing kit with wax beads and the wax applicator. What you don't understand about nose hair trimming, if you trim them all out, which I've gone like deep, then your fucking booger starts just come out. Like that stops your booger starts well that's a filtering system is what's going on there yeah there's a reason and then

you have fucking boogers they're just sitting there like nothing stopped me it's like a doorman nothing stopped my booger starts hey where are you going with that package yeah it's like showing up at the game early well you know what happens with this thing there's a like you wax your nose hairs it's like a cute chippy thing that goes up there as you push it and then you wait and then you yank it out and now you're not you haven't cut back the hair you've you just had a physical reaction to actually playing that out what's that when you did you just like yeah you started to cry like you were pulling actual nose hairs you did, you just like, yeah, you started to cry. Like you were pulling actual nose hairs,

not cry, but you know what I'm saying? You had a, yeah, but then, then you have a fucking long hanging fucking. Oh no. I've,

I made that mistake. I have to do just, uh, the, the aesthetic zone as they call it on the T zone, the T zone, the T zone. All right. If you're a rapper. Yeah. The aesthetic zone is in a call it on the T-Zone. The T-Zone. The T-Zone. All right, if you're a rapper.

Yeah, the aesthetic zone is in dental right here. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, I'm saying you taught me the aesthetic zone in dentistry in a bit that I don't use, but I will one day when I'm out of bits. All right, well, then I may have ordered it last night. I don't know. We'll see what shows up. Joshua Ewing says, I think this news blackout is a good idea.

Like Doug, I, too, feel like I've been stressing myself out lately, paying attention to the news and social media too much. The information overload can be overwhelming at times. It's good to back off and take a break. Please stick with the blackout. Thank you. I'm sticking with it. Today I felt good.

I feel like I'm losing a couple of friends here and there. Some of them rebound, like Olivia Grace. She's forgiven me for my sins. I owe her some Lysol. But today was just another beautiful day in bed, reading a book. Tomorrow I'm going to write

my book because I might be out of cigarettes. Cigarettes are, writing is a trigger for cigarettes. And since uphill Dave gave me his last pack, tomorrow I think I'm going to finish off my book and then I can get to dumb shit writing those track titles. I'm going to try to not be... I've had track titles. For your new special. No, but in the past where I try to be creative. Shit Pussy.

You know the hooker Shit shit pussy was the track title was like keynesian economic theory as it as it uh pertains to fucking uh what do you call a contract worker it was like a lofty like if you wanted to hear shit pussy no is yeah have you heard his shit pussy bit it's like Led Zeppelin. All their fucking song titles did not apply to the fucking song. You have no idea. Stairway to Heaven?

No? That one, but not the other ones. Rock and Roll? You know what I'm talking about. Good times, bad times. There's a lot of fucking weird titles.

You go, what's that song called? Want a Whole Lotta Love. That's probably called Want a Whole Lotta Love. Yeah, it is. You go, what's that song called? Want a Whole Lotta Love. That's probably called Want a Whole Lotta Love. Yeah, it is. All right, but there's some that are, a lot of them I get crafty with.

And this one just. Fool in the Rain. No, that's the chorus as well. Is that the who? No. We're on Zeppelin here. God damn it. I had a song stuck in my head this morning chaley and there's like three guys

like this was a song i have no idea how it gets stuck in my head because i didn't know the lyrics now i want to know the lyrics but i know it was either harry chapin jim croce or this was the third one here cat stevens oh there's three guys that you go oh it could be any one of those guys and it was a song that and i go i got the thing stuck in my head i don't know any of the lyrics to look up what the song is much less those three guys want cats in the cradle in the silver spoon and fucking yeah uh yeah if you put in Silver Spoon rock song, it would probably come up. Like the name of it.

On the B string is... What? Peace Train. I always confused the B string when I knew that as a kid. But anyway, they all have songs. You go, which one is... I don't fucking know.

And it was stuck in my head i go why is it stuck in my fucking head i don't know one lyric so it's not like a word came into my head that made me think of it because i don't know one word to try to find out this fucking song the melody is in your head todd uh barry taught me the word uh mysophonia phobia or whatever the mouth sound word in his book i go oh yeah i have the mouth sound thing i fucking hate mouth sounds and he has the same thing he taught me the word but there's got to be a word for a fucking song stuck in your head and i bet i've already said this during tin can Rehab or any other time. Yeah, when a song gets stuck in your head and you can't get rid of it,

that's a fucking disease. And I hope it kills me. I hope they say he died from a fucking terrible song being stuck in his head that he didn't even know the words for. And that's why he's no longer with us. So stop making those songs. Can you grab that sign up there? Which one? Diarrhea Cordial.

I just want to close on something. I want them to see this sign. Yeah, I have so many of these signs that are going to go on the outside wall. I looked for quarantine signs and someone sent me one, but it's paper. I can't put that on the fucking outside

wall because it's going to start to rain at some point. Diarrhea cordial. Hashtag cordial hashtag why hashtag jesus i look like i look like norm mcdonald right there i look like norm mcdonald right there hashtag news blackout and tell us what goes into a diarrhea cordial, and we will drink them on the next episode. This is Doug Stanhope, White Russian. This is fat-free milk, a lot of vodka, and just a tiny dollop of Kahlua.

It's all kind of the regular ingredients, but fat-free milk, it does help you hydrate. They told me in our old ecstasy doing days in Alaska, JJ would say, fat-free milk, that's good for hydrating. And I just trusted her, the fucking most fucked up person. And I go, okay, I'll take, you know, uh, uh,

yeah. Any kind of health advice diet. Yeah. That's good for my diet. Okay. I trust you weird fucking lesbian with a scratchy fucking upper lip that only kisses me and won't touch my dick. So yeah,

fat free milk. It's good for your hydrating. According to JJ, the world's greatest lesbian. Anything you want to talk about, Chaley? I know I leave you out a lot. No, it's day five. Yeah. I'm glad that I lost track of that.

I was thinking about that. Maybe I should just do like a full week of being so hammered that maybe I forget that this is going on. Oh, you know, I talked to Alex today, reading his book. Local. Andrew, who's one of the people who helped build this fucking place. Well, Andrew lives way up on the gulch. He's fucking out of touch. Hillside, yeah.

Yeah. Alex said, yeah, he called me. He goes, what's going on with this whole thing? And I go, that's what started me doing this news blackout is who doesn't know? Well, Andrew doesn't know. Andrew's been working on his shack up in the Gulch. He's like, what's going on with the thing? He goes, you don't know about the thing?

Like, yeah, that's why I started this. Andrew has no idea. He lives in an area up there. There's a market right down below his house where, like, if he didn't talk to anyone while he's, like, you know, in line, getting fat-free milk and eggs, I mean, he could. He'd just go right back up and hang out up there. I just remembered that's not cheese. I'm like he could. You just go right back up and hang out up there. I just remembered

that's not cheese. This looks like good cheese. That was moose fat. I have good cheese in my fridge that I save for company, but we don't have a lot of that. I'd come up here and make an egg in the moose fat, but you'd rat me out.

So I gotta go do it somewhere else. I'd make it in the bacon fat. have lots of bacon fat and lots of bacon uh how are we gonna survive this kids quarantine here what i wrote it down core quarantinians quarantinians i fucking come on I fucking come on hashtag that and say where we were first what was the one I said has anyone hashtagged this because I can't go on Twitter

yesterday are you kidding me yesterday I'm still filtering in things that happened that was a good one you took two chunks two passes has anyone already said this Oh, fuck. That's a new one. Yeah, that was a good one. You took two chunks. Yeah. Two passes.

That's when I go, has anyone already said this on Twitter? It was another hashtag. You go, that's when you were giving me shit. Oh, you've been on Twitter? I go, no. I said, has anyone done it? Yeah, if I was confrontational, then I was pretty drunk. That was early, as far as I know. It's an early day yesterday.

All right. I wish I could communicate with you folks out there, but we're going to have a lot of fun in 25 days. Or maybe not 25 days. That's why I thought today, 28 days later. Maybe we do this 28 days. 28 days would be the 30th. That would be May 1st. Yeah. Yeah, that makes that makes more our last recording would be on the 30th yeah so yeah may 1st let's say that so you kick it

out already now huh well it's a month is fucking four weeks you're right you're right yeah and 28 days later the analogy comes into play with the movie. He woke up 28 days later. Yeah, I mean, we pretty much shot from the hip on this one and just started recording. So, as you can tell from the production. Yeah, I don't think anyone's going to fucking... It's not like baseball where they go, Well, we're traditionalists. A month is 30 days.

Half November. All right. Meatwig, take us out live. Where's that fucking cat? He's not on this side of the bar. We should get Bingo to do Meatwig. Hmm. I want to try to get meat meat wig

bingo live I don't have my phone I don't know where it is how do you want to do it we can just do it nah she already told me she's on her second dose of mushrooms

after fucking eight workouts in a day but look at my abs yeah get some sun you look like abs on a corpse you gotta fix your camera Abs. Yeah, get some sun. You look like abs on a corpse.

You've got to fix your camera. Well, I have to stop. My posture is getting worse. You've slowly worked your way out of the frame almost. Yeah, yeah. All right. Hey, you guys. Take us out. Who? Bingo. Jams. take us out who?

bingo jams we don't have meat wig live okay bye bye now Thank you. guitar solo Thank you.