The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#369: Social Intimacy

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

Doug opens up the quarantined FunHouse to get a little face time with Jobi and Chad.Get a BONUS episode each month through a Doug Stanhope Podcast subscription through Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast . ALL levels of support will get direct message access to the podcast and instant access to a Bonus episode every month plus all past BONUS episodes. Any level of support is appreciated. Thanks again as your subscription helps keep this podcast going. Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast).Recorded April 6th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hd_fatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Ms. Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Jay Whitecotton - "Jazz Funeral" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tImXlDGQb8oVisit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hello, this is the weekly podcast. This is where I try to put effort into it. At least I'll raise my audio a bit. Chad Shank and Joby are here along with Tracy the Chalys. Joby, you gotta lean in a little bit there.

There we go. Yeah, you got the bad seats where you have to see your face. I moved over a little bit too, so we're all good. Yes. But Chad's used to this now. Not this angle. Oh, no. I forget I'm on camera. I moved over a little bit, too, so we're all good. Yes. But Chad's used to this now. Yeah, not this angle. This is ugly.

Woo! I turn the lights down and stuff when I do the Twitch job. I need to put blinders on him, like a racehorse that's spooked. Yeah, why don't you switch places with Joby? Joby loves looking at himself as much as we love looking at him. Yeah, people would rather love Joby than me.

Gross. We should be wearing all Joby masks. It's all right. I don't think people had a misconception that I was handsome all this time. Wait, that's that ugly motherfucker? What did you say in the Twitch stream? Your audience on Twitch aren't ones to take selfies oh that's i was actually in my notes about that fucking i'm sorry you missed it but i just

bitched on my my daily podcast about a fucking ronda rousey documentary i watched and i was like it's like a 90 minute selfie of that guy putting himself into the fucking documentary. Anyway, that was a funny joke I wrote down, but I didn't read when I was fucking... Anyway. Chad Shank, how's your liver? I just got my test back a little while ago today. And it turns out my liver, like me, is just fat. I have fatty liver disease.

But it has nothing to do with alcohol. It just says that I need to lose weight so I can continue to drink. Hey, salute. How do you exercise your liver? Isn't that what we're doing right now? That's like Walsh's bit about the fat upper dick area. There's no exercise you can do to get rid of that yeah yeah it just said uh fatty liver disease and it just said they

eat less fat and don't don't be such a fat buck i think that's what it said when i looked it up what to do about that i can do do that. Do you weigh yourself? I'm at the heaviest I've ever been right now. Yeah, I'm about 270 right now. Holy shit. Yeah. I would have been way off if this was a carnival. You would have gotten a fucking Bart Simpson doll because I would have gone.

Monster right now. I would have gone like 220 or something. I don't know. I got to get down to like 243 before I have my next blood work in July you carry 270 well my friend I wouldn't have said 270 I don't know if that's a compliment now Joby's standing

beside you now that gives me so I'll guess Joby at 205 180 I'm fucking really bad at this I'll stick Joby at 205. 180. See? I'm fucking really bad at this. I'll stick with the fucking ages, and you guys guess weights.

And we'll start a carnival. You've never really done weights. I'll do the easiest one that I always do, is not care how tall, fat. I don't even notice it until I start hanging out with Fury and Joby, and everybody's taller than I am. Why did I pick friends that are taller than me to hang out with? This is weird. I never had that problem before. Ain't going to happen here.

All right, I'm ready for another cocktail. Sucking down the drinks. Hello. Well, this is the second podcast of the day. Just so everyone knows, Doug's not to get any news updates from the month of April

to today or to the end of the month. We can't talk about current events. Well, we can say that the fucking death pool is going. I don't know anything about it. Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about that. You got an email or a tweet? A tweet that basically, and I wish I would have saved it.

It said, we here at the Doug Stano Celebrity Death Pool to be more sensitive to, that word right there should have told me this is bullshit. To be more sensitive in the current times, we're going to suspend the death pool for 2020. And there'll be refunds.

And I'm like, that's another thing I should have known. There's no refunds. No, man. Is there a parody account? Like I said, I wish I would have captured it somehow because it was on Twitter. We're thrilled this is happening. Yeah, you added a bonus.

Yeah, we added the COVID-19 bonus. So any celebrity that dies of it, 19 points. I was just telling Joby, the biggest thing I want to stay away from is any news of who died during the fucking month that I'm not watching the news. That's going to be, oh, fuck. Who's dead? Who's dead? Including me, which i don't know you'd know the next day because i wouldn't be here to hit the button so i don't know how that

yeah we'll give you the whole breakdown at the end of the month and all the people that went in and recovered or didn't recover and so yeah it's gonna be fun i just have to have a little patience just a little patience i am keeping a list of uh things that come up daily that i can tell doug 26 days from now like every day there's something like there's a big one that i'm like oh he can make a phone call and clear this up because if this is fake news i I want to know. Because I want us to put it out there. And I can't. It's a good one.

And then today earlier. I almost broke yesterday, Chad. I was like, oh, fuck. This is just dumb, right? But yeah, Tracy and the Hennigan put me back on board. Well, I wasn't going to stop. I don't know what you thought was going to happen. I mean, I'll tell all these guys what's happening Who's dying but not you

Yeah well I'm not even fucking Checking the email or Well so if you want to get to Brian Henningham will be doing Doug's Twitter And if you want to get in touch with Us through the podcast Go to stanhopepodcast at gmail,

which a lot of people are doing right now. So I appreciate it. And we got some ideas for content in the next week because we're out. Day four. I'm going to do a podcast every day of nothing to talk about because I don't know anything. We did talk about window treatments.

And watching lots of stand-up comedy and lots of shitty fucking documentaries. Start spreading false rumors about who started the coronavirus, like Hilary Duff or, you know, came from someone. Came from doing this. Hil Hillary Duff or, you know, came from someone, came from doing this. Hillary Duff. Jesus. Who's Hillary Duff? Is that guy on the Mickey Mouse Club or something? Yeah, he's the guy.

A guy? I'm really out of it. Coronavirus causes gender change. That's a good one. Alex Jones already has that one. Oh, I bet, yeah. You know who's a good host on TV? What's the guy's name? Farooch?

Faroochi? Fauci. Fauci. Fauci,ci Fauci The doctor He's He'd be at my table of ten Of like Who to have dinner with

You know He was on DeSue Cimero It's a It's a podcast Is this news? No It's

It's See that's my thing I have to fucking I have to come up with something I didn't know where you were going He was such a Kick ass dude Who's like the mouthpiece for reason in like a worldwide fucking situation. You're the second person. Olivia Grace was the first that said his name wrong and just put extra syllables in it when it's kind of a simple name.

Fibonacci? Yeah. I'm thinking of a character from Grease. Faluci? Pagliacci? Is that who's the guy? Anyway, he was very likable and fun. And talking about this situation in a way that was digestible and wasn't scary but like it was it was interesting and for him to stand next to

the president it was just free balling it just do whatever it's really it's a testament to his self-control i would watch yeah i would watch trump in those press conferences and just wait for him to stop reading because that's when he's going to say something fucking dumb but like everything is when he's looking down at someone else's words. Yeah. We're talking about that like the speech writers

that fucking like ask not what your country can do for you. There's probably some fucking nerd in a fucking cubicle that wrote that. And presidents get all the fucking... For the way they deliver it? Yeah.

Yeah. Not our president. You can tell he's reading syllables. No, there are people on... Go ahead. And then at the end he tries to improvise. Like, we need to do this in a quick manner. That means fast, like right away, right now.

He tries to explain like, yeah, we got that, dude. Thanks for the fucking... Dumbing it down. Dumbing dumb down. Dumbing dumb down. D. Is it try? D try

people use speech writer for a president as a way to get work in the future yeah Ben Stein so that's exactly what I was thinking of how does someone writing speeches for Trump try to use that as

a springboard to a better career or a job later I mean maybe at McDonald's or Starbucks Joe Smithy Try to use that as a springboard to a better career or a job later. I mean, maybe at McDonald's or Starbucks. What was that? Joe Smithy? Is that the name of directors when they... What's the name that directors, when they don't want their name attached to the... Oh, shit, yeah.

I think it's Joe Smithy or something. Like a phone number. I don't want my fucking name attached to that movie anymore. You fucking ruined this. I read about that. Yeah, she's looking it fucking ruined this. I read about that. That's a thing? She's looking it up. Trace is our research department back there.

She's on it. The fucking cable is fucked too. I get a call and yell at DirecTV That's not cable. That's satellite. Whatever it is, it's always fucking buffered. I want not cable. That's satellite. Whatever it is, it's always fucking

buffer, basically. I want you to call the right people. My hats don't fit! I miss yelling at people. I wanted to yell at that guy that I was bitching about on that other podcast.

That director of that podcast. That director of that fucker. Then I go, it's four years old and he hasn't tweeted since then. That's back on day four. I got the chance to yell at somebody the other day

and I didn't even do it. I just spoke very calmly. Because you had a mask on? I was in the bedroom and my dog just starts going crazy like somebody's here crazy. And I was like, what the fuck? I heard the gate.

I go, was that the gate? And my front door is open. And so there's just a metal screen door. But the front has a metal gate as well on the front porch. Well, you can hear the metal gate open. To keep you in. Yeah, well, I like people to make sure there's levels, there's barriers.

I like to make sure people understand that I want them out. So you have to cross a lot of barriers. Well, my dog, I guess this dude opened the gate and started to come in. And my dog lost her shit before I could get there to the door and slammed the door open and took off. It was a 100-pound American bulldog, just mean as fuck looking. That guy almost shit himself trying to get back out through the gate and fumbling to get it closed.

I walked out. I go, you're about to die. That's the only thing I said when I walked out. I go, you're about to die. That's the only thing I said when I walked out. Very calmly. Oh, calm. It didn't help his situation at all. What was he doing there? He was with the

electric company and they were changing the meter. Oh, alright. But he should have called ahead. Should have yelled. Throwed a rock at a window. That guy had a bad day. Oh, man. I don't know if you were in here.

We were just saying that someone just dropped off beer at Bingo's Quiet House. She's in quarantine over there. And stopped to look at her wall. It was all painted funky. And then just came and knocked on the door. She goes, i didn't answer because it's quarantine that would be irresponsible and i was naked but he left beer he left beer for her just out of respect for the wall i don't know like no one knows where the i go that would be

weird it wouldn't be weird here because people know 212 van dyke street bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Send your tainted packages. No. Hey, to get to the door at Bingo's Place is 40 feet from a gate that you have to push open. What are you thinking in this day and age, just walking onto someone's property? To give them beer. Hand it over the fence. Just drop it down. That's what she does for me.

I just want to pick up. She got a gallon of milk for some reason for me a while ago. And it's Walmart. Walmart milk lasts longer than other milk, I guess. Yeah, why? Because I had just, it was when I first started quarantining. She goes, oh, I picked you up a gallon of milk at Walmart. I go, when does it expire?

April 10th. I go, well, hold on to that one. I'll get rid of this one because this one expires where normal milk does. So I just, yeah, she had it. She left it on the wall and then stood back up on the steps to talk to me. I do drive-bys. How funny. up on the steps to talk to me.

I do drive-bys. How funny. We did a three-person drive-by just because she was having... Bingo's head is not fucking right. But quarantine, when that head is left alone talking to itself, days on end,

she's working out and stuff. So yeah, we had to do a, what do you call those? A check on someone. Welfare check. Welfare check. Yeah, she was having a, so we took two cars over, the Chaley's and one me and another, so it looked like we were social distancing.

And crashed her party, said hello. At night, I swore it was at night, and then he showed me footage the next day, and I was, no, that was broad daylight. That was a fucking serious day. We did video, and you're like, hey, when was that? I go, yesterday?

It's like, is that near when we went to go see Bingo? There's you saying hi to Bingo. Well, we just talked about the guy that put beer on her steps about 20 minutes ago and i couldn't remember if chad was here or not when we talked about it so that's what my memories i love that bingo doesn't drink beer so she's washing her feet with beer it's land shark is that good i think so people bring it over so because they don't like the beer i carry no people we don't know bring it over. So because they don't like the beer I carry. No, people we don't know bring it over because they know that they assume I'll bring something good. Top shelf.

If I have Miller Lite, that's your beer. And otherwise, it's shit people left. There's some weird like pineapple ciders in there from football season. Does me. It didn't. Yeah, it didn't move. I was trying to support. Yeah, well, there's still ice cream bars from the fucking chicken wing eating contest.

How do you not move ice cream? Well, I thought it was Bingo's ice cream. Yeah, so I didn't want to eat it. Bingo locks her shit up. Bingo doesn't eat ice cream. You know that? It was a weird one. They might be Furies that are vegan.

No, I brought those because Raider brought ice cream sandwiches or something better. Those moved. Mine, nothing. Yeah, those are probably Furies that are vegan. Doug's all about how he gets shit off the shelves. Yeah, because I didn't. Yeah, I wouldn't buy fucking ice cream bars. No, I think that was me.

I just said it was me. And then I'm just more worried about not moving product. I hate waste, but ice cream bars. Don't worry about that with the spinach I brought you. Oh, the spinach. Sorry. Perfect. Thank you.

Thank you. I have nothing to fucking talk about on my daily podcast. Joby brought me spinach from Food City. I don't know if you listeners have whatever your off-brand is. Forget the one in L.A. It's IGA, EGA. No, no.

You're thinking Albi. Albi is one. A-L-B-I. No, in L.A. there was... Oh, because it was John's or... Because there's... John's Supermarket? John's, because it looked like Vons, but it was John's.

J-O-N. J-O-N, yeah. Yeah, and they have the cheap produce. You go, fuck, this is like one-sixth of the price, but it's ugly. And so you brought me spinach, a lot of spinach. In fact, you guys, if you see serrano or jalapeno peppers, you brought me like 30 of them. Yeah. So I'm going to send you back with some.

Joby, who needs 30 now? Me. 30. Well, you're going to get them back. I needed one of each to last me two weeks. I need two of those because I fucked up my last batch of Charlie Carter,

Charlie the Intern salsa. Right. I fucked up. I could use a couple of those. If you need a cucumber, Jenny. Yeah. Got it. Got it.

Dictator. Got it. So the spinach is going south quick. And I only use it maybe in an omelet a little bit and then in smoothies. But he brought me a fucking a bushel like like you know the rolls of hay you see when you drive through the midwest a bale of spinach so it's going south and i couldn't let it go so i spent yesterday morning on four hours sleep going through each individual leaf of spinach to see if it was edible or not.

And then if it was good, take the stem off. Bad in this fucking sink, good in this sink. And then I cooked up what was good and had wilted spinach with garlic salt for breakfast. Because like 30 pounds of spinach reduced down to about this much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it would have been about that much if I cooked the bad shit too.

I think that's a good way to get vitamin A into your diet is. There's a vitamin A? Isn't that spinach vitamin A? Potassium? I've never heard of vitamin A. Vitamin awesome? Is that how you hear it? I think, well, to put spinach in your diet,

Joby and I were talking, when you're doing your COVID quarantine soup, throw some spinach in there, even if it's frozen spinach. It's a good way to add something, and it's delectable. I throw it in everything. You put spinach

in everything. I don't know about that, but at the same time, I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to get everything out of the stores. Like in the stores at our house. Like pumpkin, well, put some spinach in there and we can do that. But everyone's having that thing where they're having to get to the end of all their food before they go to get more food and spinach is one way to uh jazz i have shit loads of tuna if anyone needs tuna my toilet paper is fucking that's a weird segue i'm just going through my like i'm trying to not eat any canned food, frozen food, until I get rid of the perishables. And they're perishing.

They're perishing. I spent an hour and 15 minutes going through individual leaves of spinach. Because what else am I going to do? I'm judging them. I'm washing them individually. Don't you still have a can of spotted dick? No, I don't. I think I get rid of that.

Where would that go? In the trash. Oh, wow. Or maybe in a box of memorabilia in the crawl space. I have to get into that crawl space. I had a good gust of I'm gonna do shit at my house wind when I started the two week quarantine

that's gone I was cleaning a fucking new room every day I'm looking underneath furniture there was that couch, that blue couch that's in there now, I don't know how many of you had to move couches when Bingo had a lot of different ideas,, move this one

back and move that. And yeah, fucking the plastic thing that goes in the bottom of the goddamn couch thing so it doesn't scrape the floor. I noticed one of those was out and I go one day I'm going to fix that. And I fixed that.

Yeah. I'm impressed. Yeah. Wow. I'm impressed. I imagined a different end to this story. Now the floor is scratched, and I need someone to... Yeah, I figured a few things out. I don't want to keep doing it. But yeah, I've got to get in that crawl space. That's going to be fun.

The weather's been fucking great. Yeah. I need a bad day. When it's not windy, I've got to get in that crawl space. That's going to be fun. The weather's been fucking great. Yeah. I need a bad day. Yeah, when it's not windy, I've been hating this time of year. June's the only good month. We've been over it. The wind stops, it's hot as fuck, and there's no bugs. I don't know.

I like hot as fuck. I part ways with you on that one. I love the monsoons here. I do too. Yeah. July through September, bestons here. I do too. Yeah. Gross. July through September, best time of the year. Pretty gorgeous.

Green, bugs, fuck them. Hell yeah. Fuck life. Things are growing and coming out of their holes. Yep. Love it. Hate it. I've seen the tarantulas all over the road.

Hell yeah. And the horse lubbers? What are the horse? Horse lubbers. Those big grasshoppers? All right, wait a minute. Hold that thought. We'll be right back. I kind of look like half a cop anyway, and my vehicle's black.

I'm in a black CRV that a rent-a-cop might roll up on. Yeah, the kind of Honda that an Oregon cop would drive. Right, exactly. One that, you know, gets called into the office a lot and threatens it. I need your badge. You can't drive a Honda. Listen, Lieutenant, I do things a little bit differently, all right? Then he skateboards off to his CRV.

You ran over two people at the softball tournament. Oh, there we go. Number one. 13 minutes in. I love that Andy changed locations, but still retains the poor integrity of the last location. Hey, everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson, from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday.

Issues with Andy on YouTube. Yeah, it's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka. If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday.

And yeah, you keep listening and watching or however you do it, and we'll keep shitting. All right, we're back. Horses lay down. I know that from a comedy special. I've watched so many fucking comedy specials, I don't know who to give credit to. But that was a bit I heard.

And then a callback I heard the next day when I finished that special. Don't know who it was. Do you watch comedy, Chad Shank? I never do. Not very often. I watched... The last one I watched was Jay Whitecotton.

Oh! On YouTube. That's video? Yeah, YouTube. It's on YouTube. Fuck, yeah. We gotta stop saying Netflix and fucking say streaming

because there's way more shit than fucking Netflix. Yeah, tell them about that. Yeah, that was... stop saying netflix and say streaming because there's samuel was on youtube netflix yeah tell them about that yeah that was uh netflix is like kleenex was that this podcast oh no that was off the air because i didn't want to give away the punchline that was i think the last yeah that was that was uh i was referring to neil brennan's special, which I haven't finished. That's on a streaming service. So we'll put that in the show notes, a link to Jay Whitecotton, because he's fucking hilarious.

Fucking hilarious. San Antonio? Was that where we were with Whitecotton? He hooked up with us. Yeah. Yeah. Very fun. Yeah.

When this is over, we do have a fucking special guest you talked to him again last night he goes i'm seriously fucking driving across the country to fucking come out there what's up with that why is he doing that because he's got nowhere to be like everywhere else he's a comedian and uh he said i've been quarantined for fucking six weeks i i think he was on the road when shit went down he just stayed where he was he's basically been quarantined since he got fired oh there's a tease that's awesome yeah yeah i'm looking forward to that yeah and uh i think we might put out some content during this well uh i talked to

brett erickson after the issues with andy uh a little bit about uh what no no we were talking about it like the whole thing of comics going i gotta do something because my girlfriend's gonna fucking kick me out i'm talking too much but they want to do comedy. They want to do these things and they're putting them on Zoom. They're doing these things where just a face on a screen is telling you jokes and it seems a little

stale. Well, I couldn't do that. I don't have the kind of act for that. Why would you set yourself up for that? Nobody does. There'd have to be something. Well, fucking Bamford. She can do that. She did that shit without a virus.

I'm just going to do this act for my parents. Wait a minute. Hedberg. Hedberg could do it. Hold on. I got to write something down. Maria Bamford. Live stream.

I'll tell you in 26 days. No, I think I... No, I knew that. That was before I went on News Blackout. What? That she was doing... She was calling people and doing jokes to just one person or something.

No, something else happened. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, save it for fucking May. You think I have nothing to talk about now wait till may when everyone's dead yeah i mean i'm assuming i like seeing things that happen because it like uh like i see everyone doing the four screens like the four like like oh hey well we're 36 episodes in welcome Welcome to the party, episode two. It is interesting, but at the same time,

we were talking about it a couple of podcasts ago, Doug. I like watching bad shit almost as much as I like watching good shit. Yeah. Because you get ideas and you get things not to do. Like the 10 things not to do, you know, doing digital photography. You get something from that and that, especially right now,

because everyone's jumped in. Howard Stern's production value is probably the worst of all of the fucking video production I've seen of like in quarantine. It is, the audio is horrible. Are you kidding me? You work at a studio.

The second week, it got a lot better. I bet it did because they're sponsored. Zoom sponsors them, and they were supposed to probably send someone who probably didn't make it because that was horrible. Right? You saw that first week? Yeah. I love Stern, but honestly. Yeah. one who probably didn't make it because that was a horrible yeah right you saw that first week yeah

yeah i love stern but honestly yeah i i like that that one of the most hilarious parts was that ronnie the limo driver they're trying to talk to him and he was a complete moron and couldn't figure out how to talk it's the first three episodes of issues with andy and it was the funniest part of the howard stern show we couldn't get andy to fucking figure out what was a camera and what three episodes of Issues with Andy. It was the funniest part of the Howard Stern show. We couldn't get Andy to fucking figure out what was a camera and what was a microphone and what was a computer. And now we only have one of those that were straight. There's a running thing going on there.

Andy will knock his microphone completely over at least once every podcast while he's telling stories. Yeah, I'm going to have to get a fucking schedule or something. Completely over at least once every podcast while he's telling stories. Yeah, I'm going to have to... I've got to get a fucking schedule or something. Because I'm doing the stand-up comedy thing, but I'm going to run out of that. And then I should listen to some podcasts or something. Or I've got to read.

I don't know. I've got to fucking... I talked to Olivia. I thought maybe she called me today. I thought maybe she's going to fucking venture out. She's completely quarantined, fucking block away. Wiping down her front door all the time. Yeah, I said, get that fucking shredded beef.

I get that fucking roast I put. We're going to eat as soon as we're done. And I go, she basically just eats meat because of her diet. Did she go back to that? IBS. I don't know what she's doing. She quit for. I think she went back to that.

Yeah. Well, she doesn't even open her blinds like fucking coronaviruses in sunlight. Like the blinds block the virus? Yeah, I've walked the dog past there. And I want to say hi, but yeah, it's all shut down. She lives by fury and that's something in common

that they eat. So she brought himself over and left it on his doorstep and ran away. Ding dong ditch a meal? That's so funny. I think she might have called him, but it's the same concept. He's a vegan though, so what is she dropping off? I don't know.

Maybe she made something special for him. I don't know. She eats, like, rice cakes and fucking things. Everything she doesn't eat. But I said I'd drop some of this meat off, but I think even though you were going to cook it and fucking, you still wouldn't eat it because it came from me. She goes, you underestimate how fucking paranoid I am.

She goes, I'll see you in 18 months. You know, Andy's getting pretty... Andy's a funny combination of paranoid and outgoing. He still has several projects that he takes off to go do every day, but he's also certain that this means certain death for him and everybody around him. Well, I thought Dave Rader would calm down after I did my fucking two-week suggested quarantine.

But no, I think the fact that you guys come over, I go, no one talks to fucking Joby and Chad. They're fine. But no, he's still... I bet he's got that fucking respirator on in his house right now. He sleeps with it. Really? I'm sure he does.

That was a fact. You should have said it as a fact. Oh, bleary eye. I'm touching my face. No, I went over there to see him a couple of days ago, and he stood on his side of the wall, I stood on the street, and we just had a smoke. Where does he live?

Not too far from here. Oh, he's still on Campbell? Yeah, yeah. All right, because I didn't know if... I thought he moved to Old Bisbee for some reason. I don't know. Nope, no. I have bad facts.

I don't care about my friends. I know you two are fine. I would hope so. Been sequestered for... I'm starting to feel guilty because everybody's talking about how they're I'm using my time to do this. And I'm like, I've had nothing but time for like years now.

And I've done absolutely nothing with it other than how to live by doing less. So not much has changed. And now I'm like, well, maybe I should try to do something. Yeah, how long did it take you to make that chicken coop? Well, I have a hard time. We just finally got rid of all the chickens. It's the easiest thing to do. Got rid of... Oh, yeah, the dog ate them, right?

No, no, the neighbor... The neighbor ate them? The neighbor ate all of them. The neighbor took them. She already had a bunch of chickens, so she took Oh, yeah, someone just in the last week or so said the fucking dog killed their chickens or something. I don't fucking, I don't. No.

Friends are like comedy specials. I watch too many, and then all of a sudden I just get the facts askew. Wait, didn't you have chickens that died? No. It's your other friend that you don't care about it's too much information i've been considering very seriously just changing my phone number and just not talking to anybody anymore and going back to having zero friends before when i met any of you guys yeah that's kind of what i'm doing. I was almost going to, because Tom has my most recent phone.

I got that phone. I bought an iPhone. Oh, so he's got that number? Yeah, it's the iPhone that almost nobody has that phone number. And I was like, oh, I should switch out with Tom's phone. And I'll have two old phones

that I don't check uh yeah that was the phone i bought for fucking d bertine the crazy lady because her phone went out not she had dementia and then she couldn't learn it and it was get angry and uh and then uh i'm like ah fuck i'll just have a third phone. But now Tom Konopka has it. It's an iPhone. Yeah, it's an iPhone. I thought I was going to learn

how to get an iPod again. Because you can use that for... iPhones are way easier to use than any other phone. Not if you don't know how to use them. You have to learn. Yeah, but the learning curve is shorter than other things.

Chad, I'll tell you right now, just stop. Just stop. I think we might have had this exact conversation on this podcast before. I've had a lot of these conversations. I mean, and you stopped me at the exact same point before. I remember this. Barking up the wrong tree. The reason would be to fucking not be in contact with anyone.

Well, now I got the Twitch thing where I hang out with Joby and Fury and Prisoner Mike like three times a week, which is cool, except for now I have friends that I'm hanging out with every week, multiple times a week. That's why I quit having friends is because I didn't want to deal with that sort of stuff. That's why I made up a new quarantine. No, I'm... I can't go, I can't watch the news.

No one can come over or tell me something. I don't know why you haven't done this multiple times before. I know. I always tell you that's... That's why I don't usually just ever stop by unannounced or anything is It's because, to me, if somebody... The electric guy tried to stop by and I was happy my dog was going to kill him. I would be the same way for one of my friends that stopped by without telling me that they were going to stop by.

I'm like, you're going to die, motherfucker. I would never do that. And you have my phone number, you stupid... That's a fucking dumb way to die. It's like, you know I want to kill myself. How it'd go down is I just show up unannounced.

Suicide by Shank. After that, you need to take the head of the electric guy and put it on a post out front so that all the other service people that come by they know not to enter the property it's perfect usually the first thing if the people get to my

gate like there's a guy soliciting for road maintenance uh on my dirt road and the first thing i usually will yell at him as i walk you walk past two no trespassing signs to get to where you are right now that's the first thing I'll say as I walk out the door. Because legally, I think I could shoot him in Arizona. Yeah. Walking past my no trespassing signs. In this town. Oh.

And somehow made it through the landmines. So, uh. Fucking people. I don't remember my fucking neighbors. Yeah, neighbors are chatty still wave at people I drive around a lot because that's still quarantine

if I'm in my car I had a new neighbor move in down on the corner of my dead end road a while back I noticed the dog kept coming in my yard and shitting in my yard not in my yard but in my in my yard. Not in my yard, but in my driveway. Outside my head, my dog will go crazy.

And there's a dog that keeps shitting in my driveway. And I figured out what dog it was, but I thought maybe it was just lost. Profiling? Come to find out one day. Looks like a shitter. The new family's walking down the road, and they're walking one dog on a leash, and there's another dog just running on a leash and there's another dog just running without a leash into everybody's yard so i was like hey is that your dog that's

off the leash and they're like yeah i know that's the fucking dog that keeps shitting in my yard and uh the guy was like well i don't know what to do we're renting and i don't have a you know i can't put up a fence i don't know what to do. And I go, I know what to do. And then I just left it at that. Motherfucker, he's a cop. I noticed about a week later, I'm like, why is there a cop car parked in the neighbor's yard? And then I realized, oh fuck, that's his work car.

I just ran to the fucking cop neighbor. Oops. Guess what? He knows what to do. I didn't even know you had cops. Guess what? Haven't seen a dog since near my yard, though. You got the point.

He's a nice fellow. I like him. Took care of the situation so I didn't have to. I've got to get my fucking life right. What do you have to do? I don't know. I think we're living okay. Yeah, I know.

I've got to finish that book. Oh, yeah, that. Yeah. Straighten up, Stan Hope. Finish that book. It's fucking good. And yeah, I need a system. I need a fucking schedule.

Overrated. I know. I do nothing all the time. fucking chad and joe b i'm just uh going i should like you said do more with my nothing how dare you by the way you said do nothing in front of these two guys they didn't even flinch it's like they do things i don't i don't do anything at all you're're busier now. I was like, fuck, I should take a fucking Seroquel and go back to bed. But no, I have to have a podcast. Like, you have Twitch.

Like, that's going to be a burden. But you do things, Chad, and you're busier now. I got you on this day because it was the only day available to me in seven days. I don't know if we said that on a podcast, but I remember we were talking about that. You said, oh, his only day off is

Monday. Everyone else in the world is launched into Chad Shank's life, but Chad Shank is now launched into fucking six days a week, and we're going to burn him on the seventh. For you to say these guys do nothing, so I feel like I'm in their world.

Joby's always doing something wait a minute joby does things that are productive and positive for other people the things you're talking about for me i drink and talk guess what i can drink and talk in two different places on the same day it's a job that's what i should do i want to drink and talk here or am i going to drink and talk over there yeah i want you to drink and talk here, or am I going to drink and talk over there? Yeah, I want you to drink and talk here. Joby does nothing in that he doesn't get paid for all the things. He's fucking sandbagging for a flood out of courtesy. He's like Super Shawnee that built this place.

There will be rain. He doesn't have a fucking, well, what's your occupation? I don't have one, but I'm fucking fixing shit all the time for people who are feeble. Yeah, fair enough. Oh, that's sad, though. But it's something. I mean, when you wake up in the morning and you feel like you have something to do, that's like having a job.

I mean, I wake up every morning. Having to do is key. You have to do it. All right, well, I can't. I can do it or I cannot do it. Maybe I can put it off a couple of days. Yeah, that's internal. I have to do this.

She's dying. All right, well. Fuck, I got to feed people. God damn it. Yeah. I look at the things I have to do in the same way. Like somebody, like, oh, I have to because they're dying that's why i drink to do each one of them then it changes your attitude yeah that's uh it's a it's a rough uh default the uh oh i could just

start drinking at fucking noon rules bye oh 10 o'clock i don't feel social well hold on I know how to fix it quick fix how far are you from the compound we record issues with Andy at noon the other day I was drinking at 1030 because I knew I didn't want to talk

I didn't want to be around anybody I just didn't want to do it I was like no want to do it I was like no I'll do it the weird thing is you know it's going to be funny when you get there but at the same time you're like

come on man I can skip a day I can skip a day we've done this so many times on Twitch where he comes in and he's just an irritable fuck. And he's like, I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. And then he starts sucking down cocktails.

He's like, all right, I'm back. I am here. And then it turns into a six-hour stream. It is funny on Issues with Andy, available Tuesdays and Fridays on YouTube. When Chad pulls out of the frame, and he's reaching around the corner to grab another cocktail. Are you pre-pour? I don't want to miss anything.

He can hear. He can hear. It lined up like a marathon where you just hand fucking drinks. At a table. You're running by really quick. My headphones extend into the other room. No, it's good. Smart. That's smart. I don't miss anything.

You can't miss anything on that podcast. Listen, I got to tell you right now. Every single second. I think we're doing all right, guys. I think we're doing all right. Guys and gals. Yeah, let's go out in the fucking sun. You want to go sit on the patio and have

cocktails? Upstairs is great. Upstairs is bright. I'm going to get grass for the whole upstairs. You're going to take a break and then do... Oh, I'm going to tell you something, Chad. Both of you. I got an idea. We're going to break? Oh, shit.

I still have a thing to do. Do I have to leave for that no all right all right well let's do that but i'm saying afterwards let's go out in that fucking sun uh do you want me to do your thing no no no let's take a break and come back because honestly uh we didn't take a break at 20 and right now is a good time to take a break all right right. Do it. What are we at? What are we at? 38. By the way, I always cut this because it's never accurate because I put stuff on at the beginning.

I was closer to an hour, so I'll go for 42. No. I don't know. It's the answer to everything. That's pretty good. Yeah. 44. Ah, 45.

Just turned to 45 alright alright we're breaking we already said break I don't know we're still talking you have to say you already said we'll break and I said okay we'll break and I thought okay we're back do me a favor alright we're back to break no we're not what

yeah we're back to break because I thought I already broke and now we're back to we're back. Do me a favor. All right, we're back to break. No, we're not. What? Yeah, we're back to break because I thought I already broke, and now we're back to we're going to break. So you don't have to edit it. Rebreak. There's always. Doug, say, let's take a break. Why? I don't want you to edit this.

I want people to know what goes on behind the scenes and how contentious our relationship is. I want one time for me to put something out without an edit. Just straight out. Well, you get to listen to yourself, so you edit yourself, and I'm perfect. Goodbye. Please hold.

Everyone, please hold. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty.

Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. We're back. Yeah, I'm back. Yeah, I did business during the break. Fucking dirty business. Oh, I love that fucking...

Dirty. Dirty business. Yeah. Who's dirty? Who's fucking who? You want to fuck? Let's see who's fucking who. This is stuff...

It was very gangster-like. Yeah, I felt like a gangster boss and you were my henchman. If it has to get ugly, Chad Shank does the dirty work, but I'm going to do this on a business level. How do we take advantage of this

current climate to fuck someone hard? That's what I was thinking. That's apt. That's apt. And yeah, speaking of Chad being a henchman, I've got something. All right, go.

Okay. I wanted to buy you something, and so I... Oh, shit! Yeah, you fucking. And so I... Oh, shit! Yeah, you totally forgot. So, uh... We just said, we're going to do my thing. I'm like, I don't know what that is. No, no, no, no.

I feel high all the time, though. Am I being solicited to commit a crime right now? What is happening? No, no, no. No, but you're being given the apparatus. Yeah, so I wanted. But you're being given the apparatus. Yeah. So I wanted to buy you something.

And so I asked all of our buddies to chip in. Demanded. Demanded to throw in together. And we got you a little something. I don't like this already. This is weird. All right. Why are you being nice to me?

Stop it. And so this is Christmas. And a happy new year. Read that first for everybody. In sympathy. I had to get him a sympathy card. Says Shank, this is for the apocalypse and only the apocalypse from Fury, Stan Hope, Raider and me. Mike said

he was broke. Oh no. It's a bigger cucumber. And it's a rainbow unicorn. Oh no, it's not. I know what it is already.

It's the one thing. I got you a banana clip, too. A banana clip. A banana clip? Well, show it. Put it in front of the camera. Yeah, pull that baby out. It's the one rifle that I need to

complete my collection. And the ultimate apocalypse weapon. Why? Throw that baby in there. I have so many rounds for this. Are you kidding me? Guys, stop it. I just said earlier I was going to stop having friends.

And then you guys did that. We don't want friends with guns like that. It's only because we're close to the apocalypse and you guys want me to shoot people. This is a legal disclaimer. It actually belongs to Jenny. Yes. Oh, yeah.

I think since Trump repealed the laws that said i'm not allowed to have guns okay so uh i'm alive so i broke it down uh yeah i broke it down oiled it cleaned it so it's ready to fire so yeah you're good to go so it's used is what you're saying yeah yeah yeah it's got my fingerprints all over it so it's a i would never do that it's a ruger 1022 yeah is what it is the ultimate apocalypse gun um why why is it the ultimate apocalypse come explain it to him well like rounds are the easiest well when they're not being hoarded. Easiest and cheapest, lightest rounds. I can hammer nails in on something on the side of your house from here with this.

I need that done. Oh, yeah. This thing is super accurate, and they're just a blast. No pun. Thanks, you guys. Thank you, guys. Man, I don't know what to say. Fuck.

That's weird. You look like you're Che Guevara fucking cover art. Holding that gun up. I'm so happy. I have a weapon of every other category. Proper art. Yeah. Holding that gun up. Oh, I'm so happy. Right? Yeah. I have a weapon of every other category. I have.22s, but not this particular.22.

But I have every other base-covered pistols, rifles. Jenny does. Jenny has. Technically, yes. Jenny has all of them. Jenny, get in front of a camera once. Yeah, come on over here. What? Hold the gun.

Come hold your new gun. Hold up your gun. Show ownership. That's so cute. Jenny, Hold the gun. Come hold your new gun. Hold up your gun. Show ownership. So cute. Jenny got her gun. Nice. Congratulations, Jenny. I love it. The shot she's in, the

microphone's totally covering her. Completely obscures her face. There she is. There she is. It's like a... It's your favorite gun, remember? Mr. Wilson. That's fucking ridiculous, you guys.

It's beautiful. It's ridiculous. Thank you. You're welcome. You were missing that one piece. Watch Burt Kreischer's new special to hear about wives owning guns. I'll stay friends with you guys. Let's go sit on the patio and fucking plink off the neighbors.

Let's go sit on the patio and fucking plink off the neighbors. Lovely. Had to do it. We have a thank you right there. Oh, yeah. You son of a bitch. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Tom Thompson sent this to us. It's a 2020 classic funeral car's calendar. It's teamwork. which is just absolutely gorgeous.

And so that is a Funhaus staple. We were meant for camera work. Yeah, we were. You guys are definitely crew. August, September. October is great. Orange and black. Oh, October's great. Orange and black. Oh, my God.

Someone buy that for me. Yep. November. December's kind of nice, too. So thank you. This is a Funhouse staple now. Any other thank yous we could make? Probably.

Amazon, thank you for showing up every day. Yeah, tip out your fucking, I've tipped out UPS and, I don't know my FedEx guy. He's a rarity and it's not the same one. But yeah, my USPS and my UPS, tip them out.

Thank you for your service or giving me the virus because who touched more people than mail? I forgot to transition the shot to you on that. It doesn't. You don't need to see me. I'm trying to figure this fucking thing out, man. The fact that you have the screen over there is perfect for me,

because otherwise I'd just be more stuttery. But I like it. I'm fine with it. What's going to go even more wrong? I won't know for 26 more days. Oh, I got a list. Do we have an update for the

Deadpool? I think we covered that. There's a virus bonus. But you go to... I'm not going to spoil anything for you, so I'm going to give it, like, 30 days. People are still dying at an alarming rate. Well, this would be my nightmare, is at 30 days where I go, okay. And Hennigan says, well, you have a show in Denver.

You're supposed to be at it. I didn't listen. I was on a blackout. Yeah. They're announcing you. The opening act is on the stage right now announcing you. You remember how big 2016 was with Celebrity Deaths deaths that was another big year uh we're already surpassing that in this time frame like up to april so more celebrities are dying now than they

did in the big wow that was the fucking yeah that was a huge year well and that's and that's not surprising because they're traveling you know what i mean that's the people who are most schmoozing and in contact with other people and shook every hand in seattle look at me now healthy you look good you look glowing yeah i mean well besides the hair that's your definition of healthy oh if yeah if you only listen to the fucking or watch the uh the new daily podcast for this 30 days. This is on purpose. I'm just shaving a chunk out. I don't know where they are.

But yeah, each day. We see them. Rather than cutting my hair at once, I'm going to shave a little bit. And then in a couple weeks, I'll just buzz it all down and start. No, no, no. No, no. We've got that thing up on the board. Doug, that's not how it goes.

I don't know how it goes. We're shaving off bits every day, and we will make it until 30 days. Yes. 26 spots left. No, I thought the second. I want little patches left. I don't have that much hair. You can make the last 30 days. Don't worry.

You can do it, right? There's millions of hair follicles. We'll get to all of them in 30 days yeah but what happens then like well i'm gonna start a new quarantine in 30 days hey that when you hashtag your hair will never grow back up what's the hashtag news blackout hashtag hashtag news blackout yeah hashtag that and then uh throw in your ideas of what my next quarantine excuse is gonna be because i fucking love this i really fucking love this and we're coming into season maybe i'll get my june off what just go yeah go fucking keep shaking hands and fucking

kissing babies and stuff because i want this to. I need an excuse to not fucking talk to people. You can just do that in the next era. Yeah, but then you look like a dick. No, no. In the next era, it's like, we're concerned about a rebound. We don't want to... What is it? Doug Stanhope has been diagnosed with an undisclosed illness,

and out of respect to the community, he does not want to. That's our publicist right there talking about it. And that way you're not lying. You have an undisclosed illness. You just don't know what it is. No, that's what you and fucking Tracy. Tracy got her liver checked. Hers is fine.

Yours is fatty. I'm like, who asks questions? Why do you ask questions about your fucking liver when you know you're fucking with it all the time? Hey, I just jerked off on meth for like 15 hours. Can you tell me what's wrong with your dick? Yeah. You jerked off on meth. That's why it's all fucking sore.

Why would you ask a fucking professional to second what you already know? I didn't ask them to they gave me a blood test and said that i had to why did you have to have a blood test oh i guess you get yeah yeah meds yeah yeah bingo has to do that too well thank god i'm not crazy i don't have to get it tested for anything technically and to let you know my wife does not need a cucumber because i stopped taking those medications. That's right. And my dick works again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yay! The other day I was on the Twitch stream. I didn't know that that fucking casual aside about a cucumber was anything other than that. I forgot you had that fucking dick issue. Well. Everybody laughed. I think you're the only one that forgot, then.

Yeah. It's a cucumber and there's a woman here, so it's an easy transition into that joke. I forgot your own personal problems. I'm not that good a friend. Doug's been in a blackout of comedy for four or five days, so he doesn't know how sensitive we are to cucumbers

because he's not into the news and I've got it written down here I'll let him know guys the cucumber is the key to survivability unless you get him from food city is that it is that what you're saying

your results may vary we can forgive his ignorance it's a lot to ignore Your results may vary. We can forgive his ignorance. It's a lot to ignore. It's a lot of ignorance. I did have to stop taking that medicine. I told him. I told that doctor.

I said, if my libido is gone, this is a nice way you say it when you're at the doctor. You don't tell him. I can't fuck. Fuck, I'm going to stab you if you don't fix this. Fuck, I don't even care. I don't even care that I can't fuck. I'm aware of it, so let's fix this. Yeah, that's been me for fucking 20 years.

Well, I told him, I said, I don't want that to be the reason I stopped taking this medication. I said, but I'm just letting you know, it will be why I stopped taking this medication. And why I fuck you to death with a cucumber. You don't fix this. It's a Skype or a Zoom appointment, so I can't fuck him with anything but words. So, he doesn't know that...

That's why you need to vocalize imagery. He doesn't know that I've quit taking the medication yet. That's the next appointment where I let him know. I weaned myself off. I'm not an amateur with drugs. I didn't just stop taking them. Skip days. Oh, God.

Drugs. Yay, drugs. Let's go do those. Like the old days. Hmm. Good. I'm in. Yeah, I feel like patio time.

Yeah, let's do patio time. All of you out there, if you're still working for a fucking living, we appreciate you. If you're listening, that's all we got. And we'll still be here until we're dead. that's all we got and uh we'll still be here until we're dead take us out of this fucking chaos bingo

okay bye bye now Thank you. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� guitar solo