The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#371: Day 07 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

Day 07. Doug gets Olivia Grace to skype in to the FunHouse and it quickly devolved from there.Recorded April 9th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Ms. Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house.Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast we are uh hopefully this works we have olivia grace via skype hello i miss you guys i'm i'm just uh keep talking because i'm looking at Greg Chaley for audio issues. Okay. All right, good. I was jammed up to do this an hour and a half ago. And then I get a phone call. And again, I'm very skeptical, especially after the whole Andy thing yesterday.

I still don't know if that was. But Todd Glass called me. I think Todd Glass has maybe never called me ever in his life. He's texted me a few times or DMed me. And as we said, we drunk dialed him that drunk dial night. Yeah, you called him and he recorded something yeah yeah and uh i love todd glass and uh he just called to see if i was actually not taking phone calls to see how off the grid i was and then they were going to leave me 30 days or what's left of 30 days now we're in a week of messages and uh now now i feel like i

fucked up by answering the phone because i would never not answer todd glass i was giddy and then he was about to start his podcast and uh you guys are podcasting all over each other well he should have been fucking recording at one point he went on a tirade where i said i he kept saying yeah i gotta go because we're about to podcast and my guy's looking at me because we're supposed to go but then i i said something about a comic he brought up a comic and then i said oh yeah how terrible that comic was and he goes i'm glad you said that and then he just fucking went off on a tirade of this fucking how terrible i'm so glad you said that because and he's like he's he has no point of view but he'd fag bash and like he didn't use fag bash but uh but he like a diatribe of how like just heinous things he would say that were vaguely racist or very homophobic.

And then we just went in this whole thing about different comedians we hate. And he goes, if I ever can't get a new Netflix special, I'm just going to be honest about how I feel about comedy. And I go, you've got to gotta fucking record this i can't do it now i go that one guy's dead let's just light him up you should have told me we could have recorded no i it's no fun without names that's true but then we're like okay well that person i think is terrible and then he goes if you put a gun to his head, and he's saying to me, if you're ever going to kill yourself, I'm not suggesting it, but if you're ever going to go psycho,

put a gun to this person's head or that person's head. Admit your trick. Okay, a while ago I learned that I won't even go into details. I'll blow your head off because they know they're, they know they're terrible people. They know they're terrible comics. It was so fucking funny. I mean, I understand.

Like, I don't like to shit on comics because I know how it feels. Unless they're like completely, you know, ripping people off do you have a question for Olivia? I told Olivia I'm going to start with my shit and then we'll get to her

I can just skip it I want you to go into it I thought this was like a question or something that you were leading up into no it was just a beautiful it put me in the mood to podcast and I go fuck we still have like an hour hour and a half and i just just wanted to i love

fucking todd glass uh i'm on a three banger yesterday's podcast i was gonna have a couple cocktails and get back to writing but yeah once you have a couple day cocktails you're into cocktails and not writing so but I went to bed at a reasonable hour, 10 o'clock maybe. Then I woke up at 3.30 because I hadn't taken enough downers or I don't know if I took any. I don't think you ended it. No, I think I took Benadryl. Sometimes it fucking knocks me out, but other times I wake up at 3.30. So at 3.30, I took a quarter of a Xanax and an edible together, and then went, hmm, this feels really good.

Maybe I'll have a cocktail. And then I started WhatsAppping with Olivia Grace here, and it got fun and contentious, and I was as shit i was high to the point i don't know if it was the xanax combination where i felt like i was tripping but i knew olivia grace was awake you fell asleep on the bar here at like 10 30 last night i fell asleep on on the bar like like head down on the bar and And Tracy and Julia kept talking. And they would look over at you every once in a while, just to make sure you weren't sliding down onto the floor.

At one point, Tracy said, she commented that maybe you'd be more comfortable on the floor, Mr. Stanhope, because sometimes you sleep behind the bar. I love that that's me. No, and then the dog bed's here. You've done that plenty but you just kept slumping over and then you'd pull a shaley where you'd like wake up and then say something that was like an add to

the conversation and then it was usually very inappropriate and then you realized shit it's like 10.05 you thought it was like 2 in the morning and then you finally... And you went to bed.

I figured you'd just, you know, go right to bed. Well, yeah, I did go right to bed from... But I meant stay in bed and take like a normal straight eight of sleep. Well, that's the problem with sleeping pills is... They're not strong enough? If you don't take them or you try to go lightweight, I'll lightweight it tonight with Benadryl and okay,

that'll make me sleep for five, six hours. And then it was party time again with me and Olivia. Did I tell you about Mackenzie from Bird Cloud? Me? No, you didn't. She called last night

or I called her, I don't she called last night or i called her i don't know but uh i yeah i think i called her because it was very brief she goes um listen i'm gonna have to let you go because uh i gotta get in the tub there's a tornado bearing down on me right now they go okay call me and let me know you're okay and And then an hour later, I go, oh, fuck, you never heard back from McKenzie? Never called back. It's kind of like Sean Rouse, where he called me on stage to tell me he was in the hospital

and had a stroke, and I never called him back and forgot until he was dead. So, yeah, she's fine. But she was very casual about it. Hang on, I got to get in the But she was very casual about it. Hang on. I got to get in the tub. Let me call you back. There's a tornado heading right at my house.

I don't know why I do her and Ron White's accent the same. And it's like getting in the tub isn't something where, like, she needs both of her hands. She could have continued talking. It probably would have been safer had us had we known like it was bearing down well i i consider myself close friends with mackenzie but uh if she thinks she's gonna die in a tornado i might not be the first one she wants to say goodbye to that's true so i don't know what time i called you olivia uh i think the first call was around 4 a.m and i i remember having some huge joke that invented itself in my head okay and it ended

with i don't remember but then i couldn't remember it but all i could remember is the whole point of it was i don't remember. And that was. No. Well, here's what happened. The first call, we were having fun because we were just like catching up. And we were both like goofy and fun. And then we hung up. And then I listened to a podcast about the coronavirus.

And then you called back. And I was so much more mad at you and then i started and i realized that you were in like a goofy mood and you like i was high very high yeah no you were you were on fire and i was getting really frustrated because i couldn't tell you what i just listened to to get you to calm down and take it seriously and i was so frustrated that i had to like skirt around the issue of like maybe we should be taking this more seriously dog with you being like no i know i'm high and you're yeah you couldn't tell me news like there's been there's been a couple of uh uh in my uh what's what news blackout a couple of things have seeped through like last night uh greg chaley just because tracy's here and it's natural to do oh shit linda tripp died right yeah and there's no way you can back out of that like

when andy said is it okay to tell you if a comedian died? I'm like, all right, you're trying to tell me something. And then he tried to cover for it by saying, James Inman's still alive, but you can't cover for fucking Linda Tripp dying. That's like too obscure a reference. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like, like, as a joke. Yeah.

And then on Twitter, we got the twitter handle corona monologues which i thought was clever and what everyone's gonna do whenever comedy comes back into the world wait who got that yeah we got it oh all right and it comes up on my phone so so it says you have 13 notifications for corona Monologues. I haven't done anything with it. I just fucking landed it. That's amazing. Yeah, but I hit the, like, all right,

are people already, like, friending just a random name? And you can now, everyone listening, at Corona Monologues. But yeah, it was fucking news feed. So I saw Boris Johnson is in stable condition. God damn it! I know! I have a book

of things that I'm writing down every day of stuff that Stan Hope I'm going to tell him in 26 days. And yeah, that crosses off 4-6. Wait, 26? We're at a week. Oh, I'm sorry. Whatever him in 26 days. And yeah, that crosses off four, six. Wait, 26? We're at a week.

Oh, I'm sorry. Whatever. All right. We're doing 28 days later. All right. Well, I also didn't want to tell you that they changed the way we count. A month is four weeks. You've been taking notes every day too? A little, like, just like, you know, when i wake up in the morning you're going to bed

when i wake up in the morning there'll be something that comes up on the on the twitter or something you'll just get that like deluge of a couple of things less for me than for you guys but if i see something i'll say something i'll put it in my book and then i know that like in when at the end of the month i'll call that to maybe five that are really – that stood the test of time. It'll be fun. It'll be fun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

That's cool. I mean, just think of it. Olivia won't be here. She'll still be in lockdown. Olivia started to give me the business. I actually, with a smile on my face, hung up on you at least once. Because I didn't like the negative energy. You were really serious. I love the way that you take reality and then make it your own.

Give me an example. When you go, I hung up on you because I didn't like the negativity. The way that I would tell that story. You're the detail man on this one. The way that I would tell that story is you have a friend who's concerned for you. And when they were being concerned, you decided it was inconvenient. Sure. Sure.

I think that we're taking this pretty seriously. What do you mean seriously? I'm pretty much quarantined over here and you rejected that idea. Rejected the idea? That I'm quarantined over here and you you rejected that idea rejected the idea that i'm quarantined right because quarantine means no one comes over and you don't kiss anybody on the mouth or like doorknobs or like doorknobs yeah but that's once oh we'll get to the doorknobs that was once and it was only two men i kissed and i trust them like i gotta i was gonna tweet this today that uh you know the difference between the cutest bartender in town and my new made coronavirus?

Yeah, I think maybe that was one of the things. Because daughter Bob Friendly is, yeah, you need work. Bars are closed. That whole cute bartender thing fucking ran out of gas if you need work well there's no bar so yeah i'm you know i'm just gonna say shane gillis because he already said it on his podcast so yeah shane gillis is coming and uh i need to clean need to clean up the uh the guest house and i said it yesterday on the podcast. God, I really want to hire someone.

Then, of course, Tracy says, I'll do it. Tracy went over there and started working immediately. Started wrangling some of the stuff. And then instead of just handing her money. She won't take money from me. Not Tracy, but the person you want to hire. Instead of just handing her the money and going, hey but the person you want to hire instead of just handing her the money going hey it sucks you're out of work because i mean it it does but she ended up

she likes to clean toilets and they there was talk about uh cleaning and and the busy work and all that i i don't know if that was the hard sell olivia would say that that is not quarantining by hiring really hot 22-year-old that wears Daisy Dukes and no bra with pierced nipples. She did have the uniform. Yeah. I asked her if it's okay to make fun of her, and I didn't know if I should call her my maid or my cleaning lady. I think maid is funny, but then i thought nanny

it's my more appropriate my candy striper but yeah you're gonna you're gonna need a nanny when you if you come out of your fucking coma well i that's medically induced coma from my long-winded uh entrance to this point is uh how do i know that she doesn't have the virus and is asymptomatic you know how i know a nadir promise that's solid yeah that's it yeah you can say the darndest things but they don't lie you know I

I are you wandering your apartment I'm trying to find a way to just say something at all. You said to me that

you, and again, correct all my bad memory, but you said, well, if Shane Gillis is coming out here, he's been quarantined for like six weeks at a fucking Airbnb on some island in

virginia or some shit uh i virginia's a state doug i don't know if you're aware yeah an island off of virginia it's not like puerto rico well it's hawaii yeah but it's not it's not the state of virginia it was i don't fucking know where he was i don't pay attention clearly friends clearly you don't know where virginia is so uh but you were saying hey he takes this real serious yeah and you he deserves to know that you like doorknobs kiss men it might not have been exactly how i put it but yeah my point was that like i think that everybody right now including you even though you have promised your way out of getting coronavirus, I think everybody has the responsibility to tell someone if you say that you've been quarantining that, like, maybe you haven't really been that much. All right. Well, I'm going to read you what I,

as I took your advice because you are a trusted friend and good. That's the right thing to do sometimes. So I did tell him. Oh, wait, I never, never. Oh, that was a, so ignore the text. I just sent you. How dare you? What are you doing right now? ring away, just get a text from your mother. We're not going to talk about that.

But, yeah, I never hit send on that fucking message. I left him a long voicemail, as I did a lot of people last night, including Marilyn Manson and Johnny Depp. All right, I'm going to go a little off topic. Tracy, did he lot of people last night including marilyn manson and johnny depp like all right i'm gonna go a little off top tracy did he do all that last night no this is the second morning oh the second the second that's what i'm saying i'm on a three banger jesus christ man drunk fell asleep at the bar woke up at 3 30 partied till 9 went to sleep till 1 30 then the fucking housekeepers there and daisy dukes and what are you gonna do but supervise no your nanny not my name your nanny my nanny uh but shane gillis so you did text him yeah shane gillis i i know i voice i left him a voicemail or talk to him live i can't remember

but he said one you hear his voice the other you type you type words. Yeah, but I was forgetting. Ask Olivia. I was forgetting the sentence I was in. I'm aware of that. Yeah, that would happen when you were falling asleep on your own bar. The problem is we can't kick you out of your own bar. Hey, you don't have to go home, but you can't sleep here. Yeah, you can.

Well, we did don't you remember ritter at the lakeshore theater in chicago captain ritter yeah he ran the place and his own fucking door staff would throw him out he'd get so polluted you remember that place we got there in the afternoon to check out we just got into town and uh the lakeshore theater and there's a bar next door to the lakeshore and before we even and uh the lakeshore theater and there's a bar next door to the lakeshore and before we even went into the lakeshore in the afternoon right down the street from wrigley field uh we're doing jaeger shots before the game with the yeah with him he goes no and we're gonna go this way and we're like oh there's a back way into the thing oh this is

this is cool because then we can and it's like no it's just to do fucking jaeger shots and then uh oh yeah and then uh four four hours from now we're gonna do this show this was one of the first people that i i recognized like almost dt level booze shakes and like a stutter that was... And then I realized, oh, he doesn't do that at the end of the night. Yeah. Little did I know. Who was the other... Ghost of Christmas Future.

Who was that up-and-coming comic that was falling asleep between the shows? Oh, Brian Holtzman. He wasn't... No. What? No, I meant Petrovka. Petrovka.

Petrovka. Yeah. They do have similarities. Definitely. The Holtzman meant Petrovka. Petrovka. Petrovka. Yeah. They do have similarities. Definitely. The Holtzman and Petrovka. But yeah, he wasn't up and coming. He was where he was going to be and take it or leave it. Stuck in the mud.

I loved it. Fucking loved it. I brought him to death. Did Shane get back to you? I know. I'm trying to get back to you, honey. Sorry. Trying to add a little something into this.

Well, yeah. you honey sorry trying to add a little something into this i yeah well i uh yeah i left him a message then i full disclosure about everyone i've kissed he said got your voicemail tell that hack olivia i don't fear the virus Brevity is key. Well, don't you feel good, though, that at least you were honest and it worked out just fine? Oh, not just honest. Right. I was also right and honest. That he doesn't care because you kept hammering me.

He cares a lot. Doesn't it feel good, though, to still do the right thing and tell someone what you've been up to? I told you. I already told him about licking your doorknob and making you angry, which it was probably a bad idea. But hold on a second. Doug, you're not going to get Corona from licking her doorknob. There's no cleaner doorknob in the state of Arizona. I mean, come on.

It had to taste like Lysol, right? I have been cleaning my doorknob on a daily basis. We did tell people about your incident where you had like a plumber come in and fucking then got busted wiping everything they touched. And they go, we're not done yet. Yeah, and then they came back and

they were like... Miss Olivia, we only took done yet. Yeah, and then they came back and they were like. Miss Olivia, we only took a lunch. We're back. It was just embarrassing because, like, I know I'm right. But it's also like. if someone thinks you're crazy, it doesn't help to be standing on your porch with yellow rubber gloves, scrubbing your own door. Did you take all the rubber gloves from this house? Did you,

are it by the time I get off the road, I go, I have rubber gloves. I used to jerk off them into them for Santa. They're not rubber they're either nitrile or latex whatever they are they're the fucking they're the ones that used to be like a fucking a dollar 99 for 500 and now they're 500 for 19 of them i i found two boxes here doug all right i don't olivia doesn't take things no i didn't know if she used

them all like it seemed like all my sponges all my cleaning stuff seemed depleted because i i don't i don't usually clean things but i didn't know i didn't take any of your cleaning stuff or use any of it i actually bought you some there's uh like at least two extra pairs of rubber gloves in the guest house. Oh, that's wait in the guest house or the new edition. Cause you left me a bunch of shit. You left me 96 rolls of toilet paper. Thank you.

By the way. Yep. That's what I pay the maiden. Yeah. I remember a couple, uh, yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago when,

um, bingo, bingo. And I went tomart just before things got too crazy and people had just started panic buying and um we weren't there to panic buy we were just there to go just for fun and like uh she was like i'm gonna get you a lava lamp for your new place. And there were people panic buying guns at the gun counter. And Bingo went up to the gun counter with her like fucking blue hair and her like purple fucking outfit. And she just strolled right up to them.

People are panic buying guns. And she just goes, do you guys know where we can find lava lamps? goes do you guys know where we can find lava lamps and so we walked out of um we walked everybody's walking out with like carts full of like rice and beans and like cleaning supplies and like we we just walked out of there with a cart full of like 10 keto cookies and a whole lava lamp which i i was the recipient of that lava lamp for my birthday no i think i think she bought more than one really i think she said yeah she panicked bought lava back to her mike's sister died of cancer in coronavirus so that death is just skipped over but uh she goes yeah back door was having a bad day so i get him a lava lamp lamp. And I go, I keep hearing this lava lamp story.

I mean, it really is because I use it as like a nightlight to light up. I use it as a butt plug. Well, there's that too. I just imagined what it would look like. Quit coughing, Doug. I can't get it in. Hot, hot, hot, hot. I didn't say stop.

I said hot. I didn't say stop. I said hot. Yeah, they take a while to warm up. Yeah. Wait, what are we talking about? Mom lamps? Buttholes? I guess it applies to buttholes, too. Yeah, well.

I have a recurring dream that I'm at my mother's house. I can't find my butt plug. Sorry, it's just at my mother's house. I can't find my butt plug. Sorry. It's just stealing someone else's joke and then listening to the silence when she doesn't cop to it. She was fixing her hair. Sorry. That wasn't a joke. That's not Olivia's joke.

It's Olivia's recurring dream. But plug. joke. It's Olivia's recurring dream. But... Plug. I just touched my face. Who has a... Oh, I have my stuff right here. Oh, I told my maid, my

nanny. Nanny. Candy striper. Oh, do you want... Can we get a candy striper outfit? No, I'm not buying... Her outfits are perfect. I'm not buying outfits. This is, I'm stopping there. Can you ever look at someone's butt and think, yeah, I couldn't fuck her.

My dick's too small. What was I saying before that but uh butt plugs lava lamps lava lamps i was gonna get into something else it was panic buying we were talking about olivia what how like how are you because i'm doing this quarantine as a goof and an excuse to not do things. But you're so hardcore. Because I told people on one of the earlier podcasts of this run that you said, I'll see you in 18 months. And I don't doubt that. 18 months. And I don't doubt that.

Are you prepared to spend 18 months indoors and not see people? I mean, I guess so. I mean, cause there's really, we don't, no one knows what's going to happen. The only thing we know is that to not get it is to not be around people and to not give it to anybody is to not be around people and so like you know i'm taking it pretty seriously like i order groceries

online and then i pick them up how did that go today you did the pickup the walmart pickup do you do douglas or yeah and douglas yeah um douglas yeah douglas way better if you're only going to walmart douglas is the way to go yeah the sierra vista one was out of stuff that i wanted and so i just when i switched it over to the douglas one it was a little easier to find stuff so you think the next time you go oh wait no no that's sierra vista we're we're wondering if that sushi place that we like in sierra vista does to go like fucking gust of greeks pizza oh i wonder i hope so that'd be great i would eat any sushi you dropped off i just fingered it i just think that uh like like

they might want to be open but the purveyors down the line, like the suppliers, I mean, they're not fishing for tuna in the Patagonia mountains. I mean, this is coming from. You don't know that. There's a whole line of suppliers that all of them have to be in business. Or what's the point of going like, we have cucumber rolls. Well, how is that different from pizza? Especially if you get. Pizza?

Well. It's a special. It's not supreme special. You can get the ingredients to make pizza a lot easier than you can get fresh. There's a shelf life on a green pepper whereas tuna, I mean,

you're sinking in a lot of money just to hope people go, let's go tomorrow. I'll drive out there tomorrow. It looks like they're doing takeout, but I'll call them tomorrow. I would love that. I would love to get a bunch of – this is the thing, Olivia. I rolled into Gus the Greek's Pizzarama yesterday, and I had the mask on and glasses,

and I'm rolling in there. And they are just standing around. Gus was sitting in a booth. I think I woke him up when I hit the door, right? Oh, my God. As soon as I walk in, Gus's son is like, oh, man, I'm so sorry. You guys had to bail out of the tour early. But they're standing around.

There's orders on the- Oh, he listens to the podcast? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, he follows me. I love that kid. Oh, totally. So I threw way more money than our thing was.

It was like a double thing because I'm like, these fuckers are not going to make it. If it's just, if we keep going a couple of months, I don't know how they're going to do it. They've got this sign out front. I mean, that's- You have have to understand this prick we've described he's not a prick

no he likes to be a prick we're the super nazi he is what he is yes he's a people like that he's a prick he's like steve sciarrappa or whatever uh but he won't answer the phone when he's open a lot of times you want to fucking call in and he just won't be bothered phone when he's open a lot of times. He won't fucking call. He just won't be bothered. So now to take the turn of putting out a sign to go orders, if I'm in the mood. Well, I think maybe you got him on a bad, well, it's a bad month.

15 years, a bad 15 years. Yeah, that's true. Oh, you're talking about pre-virus. Yeah. PV. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck goes 15 years. Yeah, that's true. Oh, you're talking about pre-virus. Yeah. PV. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck goes on now. Yeah. Now it's...

I don't think it changed his attitude. If they say 20 minutes, it's ready in 15 because the ovens are running hot because they got to keep them on. And there's nothing but to go. So they're waiting around for stuff. I ordered a lot of stuff yesterday just so we'd have food and so we could tip them. I want to go in and tell them... Go ahead are you guys doing like the grocery store stuff like what's i know like i i do the walmart pickup like once a week but are you guys like limiting grocery store runs and stuff like that too uh i'm not going anywhere the chaley's went for their first time i tried to like last week, I decided we would probably try and like lock it down a little bit.

So we went once and I said, just we'll do everything for the week because after that, we got enough stuff. We'll just hang with what we got. So we'll get extra canned foods. And not like the elderly lady that was loading up ragu spaghetti sauce it's like really 16 17 fucking bottles this is yeah that's a lot i mean come on and it even says on the on the shelf no institutional buying you know this is just this is a neighborhood store fsa is where you get which i found out by the way from joey i can get all the flour i want because he has a connection with a restaurant supply that still gets the regular orders

i get sushi but they get flour in bulk so joey gets a 25 pound bag of flour from a restaurant that he is friendly with. So then he's just going to scoop me off because there's still no flour at Safeway. Yeah. Who makes? Me. I'm baking bread right now. What kind of bread are you making?

I made you the bread before. You risk a fucking FedEx driver's life to get yeast i did get a bunch of yeast if you need any yeast i got enough to uh to make 7 000 donuts it's ridiculous how much i i uh there was probably a pound of yeast i gave i i i went through my cabinets i went i was trying to find sugar. I thought, Oh, you know what I like is tea,

like English breakfast, tea, black tea with milk and sugar. And I went to look for sugar and I realized that I gave it to Chaley when he was looking for flour. Cause I go, I have two bags and I go, Oh,

one of those bags was sugar. So I gave that to him. And then I found more. I found, what was the thing you said? I have plenty of that. Clover girl. It's like. Corn starch.

Corn starch. Clabber girl. I have no idea why I have fucking flour for anything. Doug, I'm so sorry. We're out of sugar now after you gave me that pound. Because I made hummingbird food. Well, I just figured out. Wait, just treat it like coffee.

Put Baileys, that's cream and sugar. Or Godiva chocolate. My God. You're missing some good cocktails over here. Aw, I know. Yeah, I mean, I miss you guys. I do. I really do. Are you drinking? Am I what? Drinking

booze? Yeah. Oh, I think you showed me on WhatsApp your stores. Your bar bar show us your bar okay oh by olivia by the way i love that house i can't believe you're staying there and i can't see it it's so cute i love it too i'm uh really surprised that it uh came up because of the uh the people that were living there i can't they. I think they were from out of town and they were just using that part time but they loved it.

I saw them a couple times when I was walking the dogs. Never got inside. Oh. Yeah, no. It's awesome. There's a mural with a cat. Do you need some paint? That might freak you out.

Not my mural, not my work. And then that's my bar right now. Kahlua vodka. Oh, she thought that was triple sec, but it's peach schnapps. Oh! No, I got really mad because I got everything to make like a margarita, and so I was like,

alright, we're going to do tequila, we're going to have triple sec, and then I got home and make like a margarita. And so I was like, all right, we're going to do tequila. We're going to have triple sec. And then I got home and realized it was peach schnapps. And I was like, I want a peach margarita. Wait, what's wrong with that? It threatens her masculinity. Peachy flavor is kind of like not, I mean, like I'll probably, I'll still drink it. Tracy, what's, Tracy will tell you a peach drink.

What's, Tracy, what do you use peach schnapps for? Sex on the beach. Oh, there you go. Okay. Alright, right on. Like a peach tree. Yeah, you'll be able to fuck in your hot tub in two more days. Now, once the virus we left in there is... You just need water and someone to fuck.

Yeah, way to rub in how lonely this is it's not lonely if you have friends like uh the clean people like tracy and chaley and joey and chad and chad's wife who does not work in a hospital anymore she's unemployed because hospitals are out of business oh no are you serious well i i'm serious it's not a bad hospital anymore but uh i'm definitely serious that i heard hospitals went out of business because of coronavirus there's no need for them anymore the people are just dying so what's the point that makes perfect sense it's what i strung together from linda trip and boris yeltsin or johnson oh jay-z don't help him yeah that obviously i can put two and two together in the world view of news, Doug has like this tiny peephole

that he can kind of scan through, but he never really gets the full story. It's the same reason my special wasn't picked up by Netflix. Amber Heard, Elon Musk, Netflix,

Jeff Bezoszos follow the money follow the money he's not saying anything he's just saying follow it two and two together yeah obviously yeah you really

you really nailed that puzzle I think Sam Tripoli's gonna call me right now to be on his fucking tinfoil podcast he's he's messaging you now yeah i don't know i i think i honestly think that i'm not overreacting like i really I'm not overreacting. Like, I really, like. I feel like I am overreacting.

That's the difference. What makes you feel like you're overreacting? By quarantining and not looking at the news. I mean, I talked to that fucking Hennigan today. He's like. He's like, oh, I just put out on twitter that uh chicago dates for september and i go all right yeah put them out we've already sold so many tickets and i go that's uh because i do i do have concerns i go yeah maybe public places uh might be open by them but if i do get coronavirus, you understand that I will die.

I mean, my lungs are fucked. Refunds. Hennigan, refunds. No, that's exactly what Hennigan, his response was. You know, if I get this, I'll die. He goes, oh, well, that will be brown paper tickets problem to refund. He thought I was. They'll be suing.

That was an honest response from Hennigan. He thought I was worried about how people will get their money back. They'll be suing a dead man. I'll be in the Bahamas. They'll be suing a dead man. they'll be suing a dead man he thinks i'm worried about how people will get their money back if i'm dead oh man it's so refreshing it's so refreshing when someone's all business you know speaking of all business uh just to quell a patreon issue tracy was kind enough to inform me or no it's jaylee but who cares i'll give tracy credit for

anything no she can take our fucking guy in brazil our friend that does a lot of stuff yeah he goes uh i heard the thing about the patreon do you understand well the thing about the patreon is doug a couple days ago was really it was i think it was one of the well they're all drunk days well tripoli he said oh that's right tripoli had said hey jack your fucking patreon up to five dollar minimum don't do a dollar two dollar three dollar because and he had his reasoning and i i so i started a podcast with that there was a lot of blowback and i went okay well fucking dollar it is but then this guy says you know a dollar in brazil

you buy a fucking kid a cup of coffee every day or something well you a dollar in Brazil, that's reasonable. But you jump that up to $5 US, and in the local money, the real, exponentially it goes up to where it's tough for him. Which, we were never going to get rid of a dollar. Doug was drunk, and he started fucking spouting off because sam tripoli said something blame fucking drunk on that i'm blaming even sam tripoli no i thought yeah that makes sense i wasn't drunk that was an early podcast was it yeah i can't i wake up every day now wondering how many days until i just stopped drinking again because what if there was no night would we know there's no night in the fun house the fucking lights see a brighter in here

doug had an idea for a comedy show what's your idea doug wait the one i just told hennigan yeah i don't want to talk okay we can't talk about can't talk about it. It's a 20-minute bit that I really have to fucking dump, and you know what it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, and I thought maybe- It's about a butt plug. His mom finding it. And I thought, maybe I'll film that in the fun house like I did the Pop-Off Vodka Presents.

Just do the 20 minute bit and put that out there because it's it needs to be done with but like put tape on the floor for everyone like you stand on the end i can blame that guy for coronavirus in it like i can make it topical yeah i guess you could yeah yeah it makes sense it makes sense now. And it'll be timely, and I could throw it out just, even as a, because that's what Pop-Off Vodka basically was. Pop-Off presents Doug Stanhope. Basically, three 20-minute bits.

I could just throw that out, and maybe as a fundraiser for fucking maids and nannies. Well, we still sell the videotapes for Pop-Up Presents. Yeah, the VHS. The only physical copy is VHS. And by the way, we've never got any pushback from Pop-Up about using their name. That was the whole point.

I know, but that is the thing the only time we got anything was at a gig somewhere i don't remember where where a representative from pop-off handed me a card and and basically said we want to be in business with doug stanhope and i just threw it on the ground no we this is not this is not why we did this. Wow. That's funny. Shit, I... Yeah, what the fuck are you going to do? Olivia.

About what? Huh? First of all, you're not in any... And I know you were telling me last night people your age are dying from this. Yes. So what are you going to say that's not that? I'm saying, what the fuck are you going to do? You're just going to sit in that house for fucking 18 months? I don't know.

I'm going to play it by ear, man. What's wrong with sitting in the house for 18 months, though? Olivia told me last night that I go, well, fucking mail. Everyone touches mail. And she goes, no, I leave it in a bag for three days. Yep. She doesn't get a lot of fan mail. Do you want to give out your address to get a lot of fan mail?

No, I don 85603. And care of Doug Stanhope for Olivia Grace. And she'll open it in 18 months. It's only three days. We leave it for three days. But you won't take it from us. What? But you won't take it from us. What do But you won't take it from us, so...

What do you mean? I don't get mail from you. I'm saying if you get mail... No, if we drop it off. Yeah, or like, if it's in the mailbox, I'll pick it up. Well, Olivia, I do have to tell you, I tried starting your Jeep today. Yeah. You're fucked.

Really? She knows that. It's dead dead. She knows that. It's dead dead. Well dead well i mean i want to get it i got to clear the weeds and stuff yeah but i i don't know if you i don't want you to have to have it sit there forever well i know i know i'm gonna move it but uh yeah we'll talk about it but i did try to get that going yeah we'll fix it i was trying to think of how i would deliver to the jeep to her because i'm touching the keys and I'm dirty.

So I go, well, I'll just, I'll spray the key. I'll like wash the keys and alcohol, put them in a bag and drop, drop everything off at her house. And then she'll just wait three days. Right. Yeah. Or like, you don't even have to wash them. Cause it's like, I i mean like if you're like

the only way you can get it from your hands into your lungs is if you don't wash your hands after touching stuff so like if you don't even have to like sanitize the keys and stuff i mean if you found a way to get it over here i would just i'd just wash the key and then wash my hands but my point is i had to think of how I could get the keys to her that would be acceptable. It's very considerate of you. Your battery's fucked,

by the way. Is it the battery or is it the alternator? Your battery's dust. How's it smell? I shouldn't have put it off for so long. Yeah, you should have let neighbor Dave sell it, but you never listened to me. You're a very headstrong woman. Yes, I am.

I have my own opinions, and they're mine. Mm-hmm. I can't believe you think I'm overreacting it's really i don't know anyone who's reacting or acting on any level that you could judge more than you you have the strongest stance on coronavirus of anyone that i am in contact with yeah because i've been following it since january when it was like yeah yeah you were you were you were down an ebola thing i remember when this started that that you you went down a wormhole that brought you to ebola and i remember you effusive saying that ebola you know you know ebola has no no one survives that it has the like a hundred percent fatality no it was rabies not a bowl ebola killed i think ebola rabies it's like 40 or something

like that rabies is like a hundred percent yeah all right but yeah i mean like i've been i've been following it for a while but i also have have friends who live in New York that have been quarantined for a month. And I know people who know people who have it, and they're really, really sick. And we don't know anything about this disease, really, because it's new. And also because we're not doctors. But I mean, like, even doctors are like, you know, no one knows the long-term effects of getting it. The only thing that they know is that it kills between 2% and 5% of the people who get it. 2% of the people who get it is one in 50 people how many people do you know well

uh that's a tough question how many people know me versus how many people do i actually remember hey nice to meet you uh yeah jim yeah remember that time on the bridge where you like you were pissing off the bridge and then a pigeon like winged my head and you said whoa that's weird that that yeah i gotta do my haircut while i remember please hold shit so olivia he uh he's gonna cut his hair every day, a little patch. I was thinking of keeping this like this. Don't do this. Let's save that.

No, Tracy, get the right side this time. Come over here. No, left side. Doug, turn to your right. Turn to my right. Yes. Tracy, come over here on his left. Yeah, because that's pretty open.

Now, do something not geometric. Do like a diagonal. Well, or straight up. There you go. That's it. Oh, wow. Hey, two bites of the apple. You look great, Doug.

Tracy, don't try and make it look better. No, no. I told Tracy last night, I said, uh hey listen when uh you do my hair tomorrow you get get more because this is really fucking irritating like when you shave your head olivia knows show your show your being olivia oh you're growing it out a bit where am i gonna get my haircut oh that's right tracy forget that yeah um i don't know i'm just i just i i think i'm taking it seriously for all the right reasons like it's not just like i don't want to get it it's i don't want to give it to anybody and like the only way to like stop this from stop the madness stop the insanity susan powder well that's a fucking blast from the past

go ahead yeah it's like i want to like i want to go back to having a normal life everybody wants to go back to having a normal life like you didn't have a normal life you lived in my guest house in a fucking weird town that no one's ever heard of and that's the normal you want back are you are you uh kind of sad but like everybody wants to like people like there's people are so many people are losing their jobs and like you know like people are afraid to be near each other i mean yeah you say people we lost our jobs too yeah i mean i bet we're better off moralistic about this but what i'm the point i'm trying to make is like i'm not just doing this for me because i'm scared it's like like if if like people just stop seeing each other it would stop spreading so i just feel like that's literally all i can do is just be a germaphobe right now you know because it's not really just about like me it's's about Joby. You think

Joby's dirty. You think Joby's dirty. Say it! Just say it! What? Because he talks to his mother? You're saying Joby's mother is dirty. These are everything. This is just like Amber Heard,

Elon Musk, Netflix, Jeff Bezos. You said too much, Doug. You said too much. You can't. You put the fucking pieces together. You're calling Joby's mother a filthy Corona whore. All right. No, nothing.

Nothing from Olivia. She hates me. I swear to God. You seriously have a heart attack, man. I love you. Listen, i'm on your side you know i'm i'm doing a lot of this for a comic i know you are i know i know you are i'm not mad at you i think i'm just frustrated the whole situation is just frustrating i'm gonna hang up on you right now and then call you back with a joke. Kidding.

Olivia, do you need anything while you're there? Like what? That's what I just asked. Like some of that 96 rolls of toilet paper that I'm paying the nanny in? I actually might need some of those soon, but I'm still doing okay on toilet paper. I'm doing really well on toilet paper,

paper towels. I'm reusing a lot of shit. And he's not hoarding. He's not going in there. I finish a box of cereal. I fucking save the box. And then when I'm fucking microwaving the bacon that I cook, I don't use a paper towel. That is true.

I use a fucking cardboard box until it's saturated with fucking bacon fat. And then I throw it away. Everything gets used twice or more. It is odd, but it is thrifty. Fucking Chaley gave me shit today for fucking... For what? For fucking flaxseed

and green powder for my... You don't know that I do that every goddamn day? Smoothies, beies beats give me exactly the instance where i gave you shit you go is this a new doug stanhope that's trying to be healthy all right i don't even know who opened my packages i think it was tracy i opened everything someone said why who has flaxseed i go me oh that was you that was the conversation sorry i was still coming down

you know i was sitting next to you while you were watching tv yes uh i added an extra day into my day and i decided oh that's when we decided to come up with the uh the hey everyone wants smoothies and then you go back there and you do a onion brussels sprout and iceberg lettuce hey there's flaxseed in there too. I told Tracy that yesterday with a straight face that I put iceberg lettuce in my smoothie. It's my favorite salad is iceberg lettuce. I do.

I love iceberg lettuce. It's really crunch. Listen, last time I shit my pants was the incident in Provo, Utah, South Provo at the Sizzler. And it was because that Romaine was sweaty as fuck. Yeah. I started vomiting and shitting at midnight.

It didn't stop till 6 a.m. Oh, Lord. I could see it. Wait wait it was in a motel oh this was on the way back from boise yeah yeah yeah i must have forgotten last year last year no it was it was it was and i it's like it's like that thing where like someone goes like oh i can't drink tequila just the look of the bottle it's like I look at a salad bar sizzler and I know exactly. I remember this like weird like cinema verte. Like I'm walking up to it and I can see it glistening.

It's fucking with my head. I'm going to say the wrong thing right now. But when I was talking to Todd Glass earlier, we talking about uh ralphie may oh what no we weren't oh there was someone else he said uh oh wait he's dead at his funeral the dead guy can't sue you you know what don't put two and two together a lot of times but he said yeah i heard it ralphie made his funeral, he had an open salad bar. Fucking Todd Glass is the best. Why don't we get him on Skype?

Well, he probably would do it. I guess in these trying times, you can ask someone to do your podcast. It used to be a verboten. No. It's verboten by you. You've hated doing it. No, no. no it's for a vote by you you've hated no no i don't know whose fucking joke it was first but it used to be uh like in la or the new thing in la is uh will you do my podcast is the new equivalent to will you give me a ride to lax yeah no no one's driving you to fucking LAX. But you've been reticent

to do anything on Skype for ever in a day. Well, Trace is going to take over for me because I'm going to go piss on the fucking rocks. Wow. I probably should have gone to the other side. Shut up!

Hi. Hi, Tracey. It's you, Olivia. I can cut this out. It doesn't matter. You look nice. I don't have anything to say. Thanks. I love that Tracy in the background is crocheting the whole time. It's great.

It's really great. I can only hear half the conversation. She's smoking. I'm taking Doug's place right now. Yeah, she has to stay in character. I get it. I get it. I get it.

Here, let me. I don't think we shaved his head tonight. Can I get the clippers? No. What happens when I want to drink? Well, I guess you have to wait for the bartender to get back. All right. So, Olivia, obviously, Alaska Before You Die, the festival, got canceled.

It sure did. Up at Coots. I know. It sucks so bad. Well, you know what really sucks is I just put it together. Cass Smiley has to fucking start issuing refunds on everything. Hey, can I get a beer over there? In the freezer.

From the bartender? No, you don't have to go around. Jesus Christ, this new guy. We're trying to break in this new guy, Olivia. Yeah. Oh, he opened it for you, too. That's very nice. So, yeah.

Cass Smiley is knee deep in trying to fucking work this whole thing out. So how awful I know. I feel really, that's just sucks to just have to eat that. Well, I mean, you're working money when you're doing that thing. You're,

you're using some of that to fucking take care of expenses. I don't know how it's going to work out, but, um, the, did you, did you have airfare already? Uh did yeah did you did you get a refund i did get a refund okay good and then i because she paid me for my flight so i

got a refund and i paid her back so american reals have you considered have you considered doing some kind of online content like everyone else is doing kind of online content like everyone else is doing? I've thought about it. You know. Well, great. Your thoughts really help all those fucking unemployed desperate people.

Are you watching anything? Like, are you listening to podcasts or watching? Yeah, do you have Netflix? I do have Netflix, yeah. Fucking bingo. Oh my god, I watched king and i that shit was you've just did now what no i mean like i watched it like a week ago but we haven't talked about

really that's right we haven't talked well no you're yelling at me yeah we had to wait we had to put a uh a skype machine we had to put a skype machine in a bag and wait three days for you to open it you know when I get that text I'm not going to talk about it but I thought when she said oh you called 911 I go oh this is the thing I was saying that if you were like

a cunt if you were a cunt you could just like we could go to jail for bioterrorism fucking licking your door real how real is that what uh it's serious enough that we both we both thought about it at the same time when we were talking about the next day like like that's fucking that was bullshit so sorry by the way that's okay i i get it i know that there you didn't like do it to like, you know.

I mean, at first I thought that because I was like, why is everyone here? Can I read your text? Can I read your text? You cannot. I want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about that. I don't even want to read your angry texts I got while I was passed out. I kept getting texts at like six in the morning. I don't know if they were just coming through.

That's why I called her this morning because I know she's up at that hour. You and Bingo hold the same hours. I also couldn't sleep after you guys came because I was so fucking upset. The smell of Lysol? Well, because it wasn't just like, okay, now they're gone and I've cleaned everything up, but

it was like, you know, how I thought you guys were going to murder me for a long time that came that's right on tour we're on tour where she has dates like going forward she still thinks every night we are going to kill

her when then we'd have to get a local opener which we never want to do that it turns into a thing where that yeah sorry about that no it's okay i just it was after i calmed down it ended up being kind of funny but yeah i was like i definitely had the returning thought of like oh my god i was right and the weapon is negligence jeez i'm going through some drinks here trace i think i'm done with gents. Geez, I'm going through some drinks here, Trace.

I think I'm done with the six pack of Michelob Ultra, which begs the question, why didn't I buy two six packs? I also didn't tell you guys what happened right before you came by. What, that awful neighbor across the street with the gorgeous dogs? No, no, no. I haven't told any of you this story and so that morning i um my landlady came by to like knock down a wasp nest and spray for bugs and anytime someone's on the porch i wipe down the porch because my thinking is if it comes if it falls out of your mouth and lands on the floor and then you go out and then you get it on your shoes, it's going to end up in the house and then eventually on your face.

Right. So the only lady clearly. And after she left, that's how it works. That's just like, why wouldn't you take that precaution? Why, why wouldn't anyone take a precaution like that?

So I scrubbed down the porch and then a couple hours later I got a knock on my door and I thought it was a salesperson. Cause I saw a lady with a book in her hands. And so I answered the door and I just went, well, I didn't open the door. I just threw the door, went, what do you want? and opened the door. I just threw the door and went, what do you want? And the lady went, I just brought you a book. I guess I'll just leave it here. And she started to walk away.

And then she went, happy birthday, Sarah. And you didn't correct her? So Sarah's now a cunt in the eyes of that lady forever? Absolutely. I guess she didn't correct her? So Sarah's now a cunt in the eyes of that lady forever? I guess she didn't realize the last tenant moved out. What was the book? I felt so bad. It was like a kid's book.

I guess the last tenant probably had a kid or something. I was asking. I don't know if I was asking you or I was asking. Yeah. asking i don't know if i was asking you or i was asking a yeah but i know i was asking you who of all your fantasy fucks would you go all right i'll just i'll let him in into into the uh it's worth the risk in the bubble to pound down on you when you put it that way I don't like to think of you on top

okay so he's pounding down on you or from behind hey that's the safest way to do it in these trying times. I remember. Was that me talking about you fucking from behind in a mirror? I don't think so. I remember having a joke about that way.

Wait a minute. I thought Doug was looking at me. I thought he was talking to me. It might've been to you. It was, it was not like an actual conversation about fucking someone, but I remember making a joke. Would it be from behind?

So we just both cough at the mirror to be safe? Might have been your wife. Sorry, Jaylee. So do you have one? I mean, if I had one, it would be... Shane Gillis? Oh my God. You just said it.

Edit that out, Shaylee, where she just said, Scream Shane Gillis. See how I fucked you right there? It's going to sound like you edited out what you didn't say. Yeah, I noticed that was uh that you did that see what I did there Charlie will still never watch Mr. Saturday Night with me

I just don't think any sex right now is worth the risk of getting sick or giving it to someone else so there's nobody what? there's nobody. What? There's nobody that if they knocked at your door,

Matthew McConaughey. Brad Pitt. Yeah, Kevin Costner. Oh, wait. Yeah, well, all I know is old men. Dennis Miller, I don't know what you like. I don't think Brad Pitt. Okay, if it was Brad Pitt,itt i would say just sleep in your car for 14 days and then come on no you wouldn't no you listen i've seen that man in real life i would

not there's there's no way i couldn't get dude there's no sex that's worth getting sick or getting anyone else sick well that's true that Pornhub Premium is free right now. Wait, wait. Pornhub? Oh, maybe that was... Let's take this away from sex. What if one of those people that you're thinking of was going to tell you that they love you

solely and unconditionally for the rest of your life and they were going to move in with you and pay your rent. Why would I want someone to live with me? Because they're fucking Abe Vigoda. He's dead.

Barely. I'm trying to find old men that you like. It was like a week ago, wasn't it? Took them a long time. Dude, yeah, no, there's what? But what if they meant it? Who's, just give me one of your dream boats from the silver screen

and I'll... Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. Absolutely. Gene Wilder. Obviously. He's come up a lot. Obviously. Since we watched Silver Street, Gene Wilder comes up a lot. And you'll be as Gilda Radner, dead at 35. Probably 42.

Do you miss smoking inside when you used to live here? In luxury? The luxury I afforded you! Then you fled me. Thank you. You left me. Thank you. You left me. Thank you so much. You left pictures on the fridge,

sketches we did together of each other. They're on the fridge. It made me cry a little bit today. No, it didn't. Come on. When I was showing the fucking maid where to fucking start working. I'm just going to keep changing it up

until one sticks. I like the maid. The that's so brady bunch alice the maid did i did i say that where the her movie who i watched her movie today did i not alice from the brady bunch no my maid. She's in a movie? Yeah, fucking hottest 22-year-old bartender in town. Well, when I was doing the fucking 90 Days in the Sun up there in fucking Tucson, I got an email. Hey, we're making this short film, short 35-minute in Bisbee, and we want you to be in it. I can't.

I'm working on this book. Not working on a book. Yeah. But then Officer Bob Friendly, Maid Bob Friendly, the daughter, said, hey, they asked me to be in this movie. And they said they know you. And I go, oh, I think, yeah, I read that script.

So, yeah, I got her a part in that movie. How did you get her the part? Well, I emailed them back. I go, hey, if you're doing that in Bisbee, my friend is reading for a part that had no lines. I never did figure out how. Reading for a part that had no lines. I don't, I never did figure out for a part that had no, it was, yeah, she was in a flashback.

So she had no lines, but she had to act and she cried in it too. And she cried well. So, so when I told her, Hey, I don't know if I'm going to call you my mate. I just made sure like,

because of people like Olivia grace that make sure that I'm aware of people's feelings i go is it okay if i goof on you about fucking working here she goes yeah fuck it and i go well i don't know if i'm gonna call you maid or nanny or whatever you told her that yeah i go but what since i watched the movie she showed me the trailer of this movie that she's in. I go, you have to call me Harvey Weinstein all the time. So she calls me Harvey. Harv.

And I call her maid. We're doing shots of cloudy sake. Ooh, nice. Yeah. It's pretty good. Looks gross. But I think we should definitely try and do... Sake tastes like heartburn. Let's do sushi tomorrow.

Pick up. And we can eat it in the parking lot. That sounds so good. Oh my god. Well, I have enough cars. We could take a funeral procession and take nine people. We also have a funeral flag with a magnet on it. Yeah, no, I got that.

It's in the new edition on the side of the fridge. But this is the thing, is that when I went into Gus's yesterday, Pizzarama, Gus the Greek. I was like, God damn it. We don't want to make food anyway. Going out and just supporting like Jimmy's was open. They're open. I would love to fucking go down there and just buy

one of their burgers. Bye, Meatwig. You remember Meatwig, right? I want to get a fucking take us out, Meatwig. Get him crying on the mic. But what I'm saying is, if you can, support anyone who's doing carry out right now. Because if this goes on much longer, they're not going to make it. Unless they own the building.

I just don't know how all that's going to work. Yeah. It sucks. It really sucks. No, it's really weird to think about. It does suck well maybe maybe you should have done

fucking 30 years of comedy saving up god damn it another pack of these fucking I thought I was going to run out of cigarettes yesterday no Tracy went and bought four packs. Tracy, you did that? Yeah, but they were out of fucking yellow,

so I'm smoking Marlboro Lights, which burned fucking quickly. And, oh my God, I'm down to two packs, or a pack and a half from yesterday. You bought four, and there's only two packs left? Yeah. I think someone might have been helping me smoke last night.

Hey, Olivia, do you want something from Kentucky Fried Chicken tomorrow? Are you going tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah, just leave it outside your door for three days. It'll keep. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? No, because every time Tracy smokes, I get chicken wings.

So I'm going to go to kfc tomorrow and sushi i wouldn't say no to fucking chicken wings for sure all right got it and you know chaley will do the whole fucking rubber glove fucking sanitizer no you'll be fine you'll be fine bag and everything yeah yeah he he was the one that had your back yesterday on the podcast yeah that was fucked up what you guys did and then tracy said it wasn't no no i didn't say it's fucked up what you guys did i said it's fucked up what we did i felt so fucking bad when i woke up in the morning and i was still getting texts and i'm like god damn it i want to read somebody can i please i really no no you were. You were right.

You were right, Olivia. Can I please read some of your texts? I know I was right, but I also shouldn't. You were right. I should have waited until I was less angry to say anything. Oh, you were angry. Yeah, I was. I was.

I mean, yeah. It was just like. I'm putting on my glasses there was no malice i really was at when i was at my most angry thought that it was like oh olivia's being paranoid let's go fuck with her and film it you know yeah yeah yeah which which on the outside looking in that's exactly what it looked like it really was okay because we i remember when we got back we tried to you know drunk dial you to make sure everything's cool and you wouldn't answer your phone and then someone was saying well call her repeatedly like because it might be your phone i don't i remember we were

we were not obviously in in good heads so yeah we were hours away from being... So you wrote, you guys licked my doorknob. What the fuck am I supposed to clean the fucking doorknob with? Do you have any bleach or Lysol wipes or rubbing alcohol? Hey, that was pretty fucked up.

Hey, Doug, I got... I'm not being paranoid, man. There's people fucking dying. They're saying 20% or more carry it without showing ever symptoms. Nurses in America are running out of medicine to put people into medically induced, fucking medically induced comas. Maybe we should talk about it when I'm less mad. That was really not okay. I'm not some dumb fucking idiot living down the street from you

i'm not some fucking punchline for your podcast i'm your fucking friend and then i love you very much i'm totally freaked out right now maybe we can talk about it tomorrow i won't be mad anymore with a nice heart can i can i get can I add a little bit to that? No, I got some too. No, wait. Five hours later at 3.29am. 3.29am? Yeah.

I'm sorry for the barrage of text, and if you think I'm an ass for it, I understand. And then we can talk it out. I'm barely holding onto my sanity at the moment, and maybe I didn't make it clear before you guys came over and i appreciate you trying to make me feel included you have the biggest heart of anyone i've ever met i'll always love you hang on i gotta give her the the good

shit i'll always love you and i miss seeing you i meant it when i said a while back when I said you've become a real dad figure in my life. And you're a fucking rock star. And anyone who knows you would be thrilled to have you come by. I just hope you call me today. Wow. You beat me up. I didn't respond to any of these because I was passed out drunk. And you went through a full cycle of hating me and loving me yeah i got i will always love you

even if you gave me coronavirus okay just wait tattoo that on your bellies people doug can i read you some of my I love how you ask Doug and not me but no you send it to me so I'm allowed to people are fucking dying it's not funny to come over and film someone like they're an idiot

for being upset sorry I put a little tone on that one I know the intent wasn't to make me feel dumb, but that was utterly terrifying. I would have used an exclamation point at that point. Okay, cool. Yeah.

But I know you guys were trying to be funny. Oh, hold on. But still, fuck all of you. And I mean that. And my response at what time was this this was uh at 11 o'clock at night was

uh sure whatever whatever and then she says sounds like you might be angry what what there's no anger everyone thinks Jayaley hates them. Yeah.

Maybe we could talk about it tomorrow. I'd like to hear your take. No, I got it. I'm not angry. It's just what we do. Figured you would be on board. No big. And then I got a link to an episode of the daily entitled.

It's like a war. And she said, this is from three weeks ago. Listen to it and tell me one good reason to be on board. Meaning with like, I thought you'd be on board. I like the Chaley says it's just what we do. Bioterrorist.

I did feel bad about that Chaley says, it's just what we do. Bioterrorism. Well, I did feel bad about that. Killing our friends. Because it's what we do is like when we get drunk, we look for something stupid to do. Like in Panamint when we fucking just rushed the busload of French. French tourists. Yes. That wasn't a very cool thing to do yes it was it was a very fucking cool for us it was oh no wait all right let's not get sidetracked on that story go

back to olivia all right here we go uh i'm not blaming you oh let me get over to her i'm not blaming you at all sorry if it seemed that way it'd be good to talk about it maybe later. And then that was it. And I never responded to anything because I don't respond to aggression. Aggression and terrorism. No, she was very aggressive. I didn't like her whole attitude before she died of coronavirus.

Oh my God. It's weird. It's like she's here in the room. Oh my. I feel like there's angels watching us. If we don't hear from you for a while, well, we're not going to call for a welfare check because we know you won't answer the door. Well, I do need her to pay me for the hands.

And you have a cat now. I talked to Mamu. She has a cat. Who has a cat? Olivia Grace has a cat that the fucking last tenants left behind. Wait, she's not allowed to smoke in there, but she can have a cat? I told her she's allowed to smoke

in there because who's going to fucking come in during coronavirus when they know how paranoid she is? Smoke in the fucking house. No, I wouldn't do that. i signed a lease that said i wouldn't but yeah what are they gonna do you also signed a lease when there was not a coronavirus or maybe there was no there was definitely that's the reason she kicked out yeah she kicked out while we were on tour she won't admit it but the reason she moved out of here was because she didn't want to fucking live with someone who came back with no i told you the reason i moved out of here was because i found a really cool house to rent and i like like no one's

buying that no one's buying that no one's yeah it's come on believable cool house it's really Olivia. What? Come on. You moved out because you didn't want to be around. You hate me. No, no. It's like I told Doug. The timing just worked out. Perfectly. The reason I moved in 45 minutes before Doug came home is because of coronavirus. Absolutely.

But I found the house like regardless of coronavirus. Absolutely. But I found the house, like, regardless of it. Mm-hmm. All right. If we go with that, whatever. You know that house is right on the fault line that all the scientists predict will be the epicenter of the next earthquake and not even affect your neighbor or his operation?

Well, you know, the only reason they did the Bisbee ghost tours is because of that house that house has more murders in that house and it that all the the death house all the ghosts before they go to

Bisbee downtown or purgatory before they go to old Bisbee they meet there every night. So I'm surprised your hair is not shock white from being so scared. I'm surprised you have hair. Well, that's part of it. It's growing

because of the apparitions. I'm looking forward to our reunion. When we can finally meet in the street and hug it'll be like V2 day what was it

VJ victory in Japan and then the end of world war two and we're gonna fucking hug and kiss no it's tongue kissing and oil wrestling yeah yeah and then I'm gonna give you herpes. And you're like, oh, I should have just got coronavirus.

I would hug anybody that was taking it as seriously as me. Who? I don't know. Name one person. Shane Gillis. You just said. Totally. You trust Shane Gillis.

So true. He's so true. Six week quarantine. Did you owe him an apology? You should definitely not what I said on the island of Virginia. I'm doing a perfect impression of Olivia Grace. No, you always know you misinterpret. It's assertiveness is whininess and it's really annoying. That's what you said last night.

Yeah. So Shane Gillis, who you say no he's taking it very seriously if if he if i hadn't read you what he wrote she did say well shane gillis will just go along with anything because you're like the bigger comic did I did not say he would go along with anything because you're a bigger comic I said you should tell him that you haven't been hold on a second you realize that a bigger comic just told you what he said

and you intimated that I am like a role model however you said it you intimated I think you're saying that now but I'm saying like you're like someone's gonna, however you said it, you intimated. I think you're saying that now, but I'm saying like, you're like, someone's going to trust what you're saying because. I understand. I'm, I'm, I'm with you. I agreed with you. Yeah. Maybe he would just say, you did it. So wait,

why are you bringing it up again then? Just so you can say, well, I am a role model. No, I'm saying if you believe that he has put all this fucking time into quarantining, would you let him stay at your house? Hang on. You keep thinking I'm just going to go. hang on you keep thinking i'm just gonna go she was like one of those clocks with a cat with a tail i think you're i think you're jealous i think that's what's going on i think you're i think you're sad that i'm not there anymore i think you're trying to fill the void and then i think you're trying to see if it has anything to do with you as a person and not the crisis we're living in

i don't know about any crisis as far as i'm concerned i've done a news break here's the problem seven days i don't anything. So it's over as far as I know. And what you're hearing is disinformation spread from the left wing. I'm the one who's not me come over to your house, right? Because you want to make sure that I didn't leave because I don't like you. But also you have such a low tolerance for anxiety that you're going, well's that wrong in the world you have no idea so olivia must be crazy the weight that's been lifted from my shoulders i can't even talk and she still likes me no i was asking you a question would you let shane gillis come and stay in your

house since you're so concerned about me dirtying that boy up, would you let him stay at your house? Because you fucking swore by how much he was quarantining. Shane Gillis, yes or no? I'm not saying you have to marry him, but you probably have to fuck. But from six feet away. I would. He's that kind of man.

I would let someone in here if they were quarantined also for 14 days. Can I come over and quarantine for 14 days with you so I can see you? All right. It didn't make sense. There's not a lot of sense that was made on that. And I would also quarantine. I would quarantine for 14 days. Like, I wouldn't even, like, go to the store.

I would, like, not want to risk breathing. Oh, yeah. You just went to Walmart. The filthiest people in the world. And that was in the New York Post. What? Walmart. You just went to Walmart.

I have not been to a Walmart. I've not been to a Safeway. You're a dirty girl. You're a dirty girl. You gave it to me. You were in front of my house in my car. How am I ever going to... You just burn that car. You're using my car. Burn it because I don't trust

you. You go to Walmart. I love you. Love you, too. Am I getting too hard? I told you I wasn't going to James Inman you on this. Yeah. But I like it when you yell at me. I was so funny last night, because I was hanging up on you just laughing.

I'm going to call you back with a joke. I couldn't remember. Yep. I left Marilyn Manson, the longest message. What'd you say to him? I don't know, but I couldn't remember this morning.

I remember at the end of it, I go, uh, I hope you enjoy this nonstop long message. And then I go, I remember doing that to someone. And then it wasn't until later I go, oh, it was Manson. I knew we did it to someone. Chaley left.

The teacher's gone. We can talk about whatever we want. Did Chaley leave? I think he's peeing on the rocks. He didn't leave mad. Oh, man. I have to pee, too. Shit.

Oh, let's watch. Come on. We need to fucking outdo all these other people are doing these weird podcasts and shit but if you yeah you you should reverse cowgirl the toilet and pee and we'll just look at your bottom man did i see the harvey weinstein thing it's coming out of me now that my maid, if she's my maid, am I more Harvey Weinstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger? Man, you are losing your mind in this quarantine. The power is really getting to you and I don't like it. Do you want to add? don't like it. Just gave a lady a job. And her

father's officer Bob Friendly. So yeah, we don't fuck with her. But she's got a sense of humor. And I got her a part in a picture. a part in a picture. I love you so much, Olivia Grace.

I love you, too. I miss you a lot. Yeah. Well, next time I come over, I won't lick anything. I'll stay in my car. Wait, can we use the hot tub? Yeah, dry. Olivia, honestly, if I come over there, can I set up the hot tub? Yeah, dry. Olivia, honestly, if I come over there, can I set up the hot tub

so that we can use it? We won't even touch the doorknob or nothing. Is there... Do you know... It needs to be purged, I guess, or whatever. Yeah, well... I went to community college. Burn sage in it.

Wait, is that something the person who owns it told you Alright give me that last pack of fucking Marlboro lights Jesus Look at you guys We're going to Sierra Vista tomorrow Right now Top one thing that you want from Like a roll or something that you want

From the local Take out From the sushi bar. Olivia, what do you want? Oh, she's a- Make your order. Not Philadelphia roll, but- Cream cheese? Oh, yeah, it is.

Cream cheese? Yeah. Yellow tail. A roll? Do you want a roll or do you want- Yeah, that'd be a kick ass. A yellow tail roll. Yeah, a couple of yellow tail rolls would be awesome thank you five a couple of a cow man that's two right two yellowtail rolls and then a wing pack from uh kfc

how's your poops that would kick ass yeah thank you how's your poops they've been pretty good i started taking a fiber supplement and i'm eating so many cans of beans you're eating the cans what that was a joke you're eating the can are you texting bingo uh yeah a little bit and then i went over after i drove by your place i drove by her oh cool yeah she's drove by her yeah she's she's really going crazy about I don't know you know about the dead guy not dead guy

I've heard a little bit about it yeah that's hers her story to tell once we get her set up on Skype yeah she's really fucking losing her mind she can do Skype on her phone like Olivia's doing so there's really no losing her mind. She can do Skype on her phone like Olivia's doing. So there's really no reason, Doug.

You've now entered the realm of being able to talk to anyone out there who has a cell phone. Yeah, I know. You tell me. You just set it up. I know. I do whatever you say, Jaylee. Hey, Olivia, sometimes I yell at you, but sometimes all you have to do is just tell me what we're doing. This is what I want to do.

Olivia, there's a Dell computer monitor in front of Doug so he can see you. He can't see how I'm switching on the video. But what I want to do, because our friend Jeff Tate and Doug Benson are doing a daily thing, a trivia. Let's do it twice daily. Hold on, hold on. I'm getting angry. I switched him off. I want to just basically put a cover,

like a pillowcase, over the monitor, and then every day just pull it up. Ta-da. And then that's who he starts talking to. He has no idea who it is in advance it's just a conversation that happens right there and the reason I'm saying this now

is because I want to do that I have ideas that are probably not workable that I'm afraid to say to Chaley because he will spend fucking 80 hours like just how about if we podcasted from the deck i mean totally i thought about that today

fucking beautiful yeah but totally thought about that today but then i think chaley is gonna go rip out the entire bar move all of this shit up to the deck for one podcast. No, there's other ways to do it. The thing is, when Chaley does do things like that, you've seen him overwork for a dumb idea. What overwork? I'm talking to my friend, Olivia Grace. Oh, sorry. The clean one.

Olivia Grace. The clean one. If I just mention it, it's actually in the book. It's in the book how Bingo and I would go out to Target and just fill up a cart with shit we don't want or need

but it's cute or colorful and then at the end, we would just abandon the cart. And just the idea of buying all that stupid shit was enough. We go, we don't need this shit. I don't want to carry this in the house. Let's just leave. And I wrote in the book,

that's how Farts Fest happened, is, yeah, I talked about it a lot. We should have this thing. And he just took that Target cart and went, oh, my friend abandoned this. I'll buy it for him. I got the card. So, yeah, I wanted, like, if it's easy to do, I know video is going to be impossible. No, we could do it from upstairs well let's do more

podcasts than jeff tate and doug benson i don't know i want they're the first example that i have only because tracy uh tunes into them every morning they do a daily uh there's a periscope yeah and then i would love to promote their periscope on this podcast just so more people get to it because jeff tate is fucking kick ass at movie trivia so and then there's other people just promoted it yeah well what tracy fucking norm mcdonald oh i think we were talking about this was this this morning yeah i was yeah yeah yeah norm m Norm MacDonald had Roseanne. Norm MacDonald is just talking. He's filming himself, but just talking into speakerphone. Yeah.

And he had Roseanne. I didn't listen to the whole thing. I just saw it, and I think I called you back a 15th time. I'm pointing to you, Olivia. Yeah, I know. Oh, love you. Was that, that was this morning? That was me?

Yeah, that was. All right. I knew someone saw it. I thought it was me. I'm perfectly drunk. I'm like, if you just get one drink kept you like this, like an edible keeps you the same way for six hours. If one drink made you, I feel perfect. It's Al Pacino said that he quit drinking

and then they asked why and he said because between the second third martini was the only time that i felt like like this that's uh that's funny because in my book i said uh between four and nine cocktails i'm perfect that's a much slightly different problem it sounds well it's the same but it's not i have i have less of a reputation to keep up than al pacino who's lying al pacino drinks slower than doug i saw hey gl, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Him and fucking Jonathan Price sitting there. What would you do? What would you drink? Yeah, they had more than fucking two

or three martinis in that scene. I want a martini now. Can we do a dirty martini right now? I have olive juice. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. You know, I threw away some olive juice. What?

Idiot. Yeah. I have to pee really bad. What? She has to take a shit? Shit, what happened? Fuck. No, she said, I have to take a shit.

I did that so I could pee. I'm like, gonna. Oh, she blacked out. No, she said. She said she has to take a violent corn riddled diarrhea. Doug, this sake is pretty good. Sake is fucking disgusting to me. I only had it once.

Hate it. Tastes like acid reflux. Does anyone else get acid reflux when they take Viagra? What? I'm killing time until she gets back. She gave us a blank screen. It's a hiatal hernia.

I fucking read something. I don't know if it's... I don't know. Oh, it's Dr. fucking Ken. People who look up there. I looked that up today because... Fucking love it. Who hit...

Bingo texted us in the morning, called Tracy to find out who... Mike McConnell? O'Connell. O'Connell. Mike O'Connell. And I'm like, I don't know. And it's one of those things,

like you just put a couple keywords in, you're going to get it. And I had to watch the whole video. What's it going to be? If you have not seen... i sprung this like you've not seen mike o'connell and ken dr ken young jong dong uh the fucking what's it gonna be video because that was one of those songs. I don't like music, as you know, but sometimes, son of a bitch, get me a drink. Yes, someone put that in my head

and it went into rotation at the Funhouse and we would jump out of our chairs when it came on. Yeah. And then Bird Cloud, Vodka Soda Berg, the Batoid. Batoid. It was, yeah. What's that?

Jimmy Luxury and his orchestra. Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha, which is the Corona song, but I think you're more famous for it. Even Todd Glass. That's where we learned. Roger Miller. Walking in the sunshine, sing a little sunshine song. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

And he said, after I drunk dialed him the other night, he pulled that up. And I go, that is. That became Junior's walk-on song. That was Junior's walk-on song after we were with Junior. We something that came up with Todd Glass. I think we listened to the podcast. That's fucking great. Well, it was a Henry Phillips song.

That's how we learned it henry phillips was on not my dog the comic was on todd glasses because my fucking dog gets a lot of podcasts now it's weird you can't cook either well it's it's weird when i gotta get up earlier to set him up because he does east coast stuff stuff. I had a fucking point that Taylor just rained all over. The Sunshine Town. No, but when we started this thing. No, she went to take a piss.

Olivia left to take a piss. She's still here. I know, but I had a fucking point. No, you didn't. You said you were vamping to's doing this to get tracy it's too late well he did that but that means gold i want fucking teleprompters from now on if we're doing video i had a fucking point no you didn't no i did i i'm very tentative when i... He meant drunk.

When Chaley... I don't want him to smash through the glass, because he smashed through a screen, and he's never replaced it. And the glass, with this wind, it's just going to get dusty in here. I'm going to have to pay that maid so much more money. Nanny.

Toilet paper. Or toilet paper. Wow. Are you in Siberia? You have to go outside to smoke? No. Wait, what does that have to do with Siberia? Wait, do you need some Axe body spray?

Well, it seems cold with that hat on. And inside, it seems- Wouldn't it be the opposite if it was Siberia? If Siberia is cold outside, wouldn't you smoke inside? Well, I think Nazis don't let you smoke inside no definitely not in siberia landlords and nazis yeah landlords and nazis i want to call james and it's so bad i like my landlord she's a badass she's a fan of you too yeah you told me that and you you still didn't take the advice that you should smoke inside because how often is she going to come over when she knows if she touches your shit, you're going to have to bleach the house.

It's Bob's your uncle. She understands. Bob's your uncle. Oh, touching your face. Oh, shit. You can't sanitize after you touched your face. Sanitize your face. Oh, are you guys low on cleaning supplies?

No, we're good. No, we're good. We don't need to be clean. I did look for ethanol alcohol at the liquor store today. to make I actually looked at how to make alcohol for rubbing alcohol to add to

hand sanitizer oh we should do fucking Bobby Caldwell what's his at notes from the pen I think that's his at I don't know we gotta get him fucked to do call in can you do a Skype from prison yeah well I told him to fuck it

Get your nanny to get her intern To get someone on it Oh maybe she could be an intern Nanny house cleaner Maid We could do anything with her Except the bad bad thing Olivia can I just come there?

It'd be easier. I could run this whole thing from there. Chaley's dirty. He goes to Safeway. I don't go out. Wait, why do you want to come here? We all want to come there. To be away from 8 to 2 a.m.

I don't care how long this one goes because I'm enjoying it. This has been delightful, but we're at an hour and 44 minutes. Holy shit. And I still have to, since this goes out every day, I have to sit here and render video. And by the way, the first eight minutes I didn't catch. So I'm telling everyone a video. I got the audio, but I don't have the video.

You know what that is? It's the world's biggest fuck you. You wanted a big video. That's not what that is at all. This is Siberia all over again. Oh, wait. Siberia. What was I talking about?

That's the world's smallest violin and then a fuck you. Yeah, yeah. See how I misled you? I get it. It was hilarious. I'm going to call Todd Glass right now. Let's close this

out with Todd Glass. Call Todd Glass and get his Skype and then we can do this. Yeah, no, I'm going to just get him on speakerphone. Wait, let's close out. Hey, Doug. You know my only phone I love to brag about? You know who the last person is? Tracy. Anyone with a

fucking U-V-X-Y-Z or whatever. Fuck you, Tracy. Who's Todd Glass rightYXWV Hey Doug let's close out of this podcast And then you can go have fun with your friends No I'm just having Todd Glass

Todd Glass started this No I got it And now I'm going to see if he takes my phone call Because he was calling me To see if I took his phone call I get it Oh you motherfucker Because he was calling me to see if I took his phone call. I get it. Oh, you motherfucker.

There you go. Everyone. There you go. Yeah, get on Twitter and add Todd Glass. I say, you motherfucker. He took your call, and he said I would never not take your call. When you have finished recording. I'm not finished. Or press one.

Yeah, I'm not. I haven't even started here. Todd todd glass you're on my goddamn podcast and you're closing it out because you started it you put me in a perfect podcast mood and i might have i didn't say names uh but i i talked about what we talked about and comics we hate and you had bucket brilliant insights. And I go, I hope you're recording this. And you said, I can't talk about that. And I go, well, I can.

But I left names out. But I think I gave some beats. And then I told you I would never not take your call. And now here I am. I'm with Olivia Grace, who doesn't love me anymore. I'm with Greg Chaley who has lost all the charisma that he used to have to build me up. That's a weird credit.

I did kind of insinuate the dead guy thing. But, you know, my listeners, they don't put two and two together. All right. I... Well, that was wicked inappropriate. What? I'll just... Which part? No, what I was wicked and appropriate. Which part? No, what I was about to say.

I love you. It stayed in your head? I love you, Todd Glass. We love you, Todd Glass. Yes, we love you. All of us. All of us. You are a hero.

All right, I'm going to hang that up. I was going to say something about... Olivia, you've been very delightful, I'm gonna hang that up. I was gonna say something about... Olivia, you've been very delightful. I'm having fun. I miss you guys. What's your... Alright, I'll just leave. It's, uh...

Yeah, I'm feverish. Feverish? Yeah, no, fuck it no fuck hold on a second i got a thermometer dry i got an electronic thermometer you sneezing all morning on fucking oh if you went outside you'd see the fucking cottonwoods like bulbs of like it's like flurries and fucking new england snow yeah it's allergy season here, too. How long you lived here? Shut the fuck up. What happened? Why are you covering your mouth?

Sneezing is not really part of coronavirus, and you're supposed to be a goddamn expert. There is no virus. It's a fucking made-up thing it's a fucking liberal left-wing conspiracy doug don't do this shit man it's fucking true it's true this is why i stopped listening to news and started writing it there is no such thing this is all perpetrated by fucking amazon all right i'm done let's let's get out i can't have you do this it's audible audible you know what i have a fucking deal with audible but they just want more they don't approve of what you're doing right now my fucking books

are selling more on audible now because everyone's scared to go outside and i'll take the bullet and out the fucking right left wing conspiracy that has created the right left wing yes as long as as long as we figure out who's really at fault like this as long as we figure out who's really at fault yeah the right left wing conspiracy it As long as you figure out who's really at fault. Yeah. The right left wing conspiracy. This is the moderates that are going to fucking be hurt. I'm not reaching across the aisle anymore. It's clearly

I'm going over to Olivia Grace's house right now and I'm going to fucking jerk off on her doorknob and she's going to go oh which disease did I get? That's less gross than licking it, by the way. Well, there's more diseases in my semen than in my cough.

Olivia doesn't care. You know, Olivia, that you do that with your head on every fucking pitch meeting. You usually do it on your neck. On every pitch meeting we do with the UK, you just scratch until there's a giant red mark, and you do that. So tonight, you've just been doing it with your hat, which is good. Uh-oh. I'm shaking the drink because what you're talking about is very boring.

And I know everyone who... Every fucking podcast we've done is boring. I don't have anything to talk about because I don't know anything. Everyone listens to the podcast. Do you know I care about Boris Johnson right now? Because I accidentally found out. And Linda Tripp, I want to celebrate her death that

when people hear the ice you don't know fucking what the two party consent state is yeah I do my research with hidden camera Linda Tripp didn't know two party consent state you have to fucking tell him if you're recording them

and that's why i don't know if she went to prison but she was convicted of that shit and fuck linda trip and boris johnson i probably fuck him too but i don't know it's a news and look how i'm leaving this whole fuck he's going crazy i'm done with this i'm fucking leaving this interview. I have had enough of this. I am out. I don't like you. And you are suspect. And you're a paranoid. And you're spreading misinformation about a disease

that does not exist. It's completely... I live here. There's no diseases. I mean, she's cranky, but she's menopausal at her age you don't understand cause you'll never live to this age

you're gonna die from stress I'm outta here you fucking clean that up hey Olivia I don't know what just happened but can you get us outta here I just what I'd really like is

for you to throw it to Bingo to get us out of here alright wait hold on I thought you left that was

alright just throw it to Bingo I thought you left that was alright just throw it to Bingo and we'll be done and thank you very much for being on the podcast today thanks for having me and happy to do it anytime Bingo take us out of here Thank you. Go. Hey, Greg Chaley fucked up something in the beginning, so just ignore the edit. How about that?

We're going to be here with Olivia Grace once I've finally let her talk. This is after, and I'm drunk.