The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#372: Day 08 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

Day 08. Doug Skypes with comedian Geoff Tate who has been sequestered in an Ohio basement in for 3 weeks. Todd Glass finally returns Doug's calls. Recorded April 10th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Geoff Tate (@geofftate96), Todd Glass (@ToddGlass), Ms. Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house.Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast oh wait uh we're going yeah all right well i don't know what the fuck you're doing i just said we're good all right sorry i'm a little out of it do you miss uh do you miss not drinking now jeff oh yeah yeah Sorry, I'm a little out of it. Do you miss not drinking now, Jeff? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was going to do an edible for this podcast, but I was so hungover from yesterday. I go, I don't know that this is the right headspace for me.

I'm still experimenting with that shit. I'm not a strong person like you with the weed an edible would work on a hangover though that always i i always liked them combine them yeah but yeah it's like the whole you know being uh on on camera now i don't know if i'd like freak out not freak out but like i can't i can't do the camera thing i still get high like a fucking 15 year old and i love it and i never want to change it's just like mushrooms i do mushrooms and i'm still it's like the first trip and i just have to tell everyone that i'm fucking tripping and i don't want to ever lose that like the way i have as a drunkard like yeah

it's just that's just fuel i put medicine in my body there's no joy in drinking anymore it's something that has to be done i never want to get like that with fucking mushrooms or edibles or anything right when was the last time you when was the last time you were like, maybe am I drunk yet? Maybe am I drunk now? Was I drunk? No, you just know. Yes, I was drunk. Yeah, it's a part of the day.

Yeah. Well, no no I lost it I lost that I wish I could get that 15 year old I mean what's good about the pandemic Is that it has brought a lot of the panic Back in my weed smoking Right I start coughing

Then I get a headache And then I think well that's two of them uh yeah the fuck are you doing i don't know oh you know the news blackout thing right you know not to say shit what's going on in the world right did chaley not tell you that? Oh, no. I'm on day eight of absolutely no fucking news, even about the neighborhood. I don't know what's going on. I don't know. I accidentally found out two things that now I even forget who died. But someone died, and Chaley said, oh, Linda Tripp died.

And Chaley just blurted it out and went, oops. Because in May, I want to find out everything at once. Oh, man. You know you can do that at any time, right? Yeah, yeah. But this was an excuse and a gimmick for the podcast. Oh, man. Can you...

All right, take your headphones off and let me ask Shaley a question. All right. Take your headphones off and let me ask Shaley a question. Go ahead. Did Tom Brady... Did that happen before the blackout?

I think so, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be a fun thing for... I mean, I don't know anything about football. I was just yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be a fun thing for... I mean, I don't know anything about football. I was just curious. Oh. Wait, are you listening?

No, you told me to take my headphones off. You told me to put them back on. You came in at the perfect time in a break. All right. Yeah, go ahead. Put your headphones back on. Okay, the other one I know about is John Prine accidentally. And then Chaley started playing his fucking music today and then leaves he puts on john prine leaves with the volume cranked up and

i don't know how to stop it and i go did he die from being awful like it's terrible now it's just and and then i couldn't even i necessity is the mother of invention i figured out how to fucking turn that off and it's a whole mixing board but i i learned quick because that was fucking awful i mean worst case you just know you can just unplug something, right? Yeah, I don't even know where the breaker box is. Chaley, you haven't been here since the new addition got built, and Chaley was in charge of everything. This whole house only runs because of Chaley. And I should be wearing a mask because if Chaley dies,

well, then I'm just gonna fucking rot here in this seat. And I will never be able to turn anything on. I don't know how the fan works. I don't know how to make it hot or cold. If Chaley dies, you're like the cat that's left

behind. Yeah, I'm going to have to eat his face. This really sucks because we have company here and they can't hear you. Well, they're missing it. I know. I wish there was headphones for the audience. wish there was headphones for the audience but uh yeah are you doing like a billion fucking podcasts and i'm doing uh not really i mean i do my i do one a week of my own i do a game i play a game on like periscope or something with doug benson every day uh but as far as like these kind of things go right now not really i've been doing some uh writing you know i haven't done

that in a while well yeah i'm i'm like taking uh notes for comedy, which I never really focus on comedy until it's like deadline. Oh, shit. I'm going to go on the road. Fuck. I need new material. But now I'm taking notes for bits and no place to do them. But also with the news blackout, you can make a, that's the only way to do it. Like,

that's why I haven't been doing any standup because talk about everyone's got the same fucking bit. Not only is everybody doing the same thing, they all watch the same fucking show, man. Everybody knows about that goddamn tiger guy and that's it. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Has that, is that a hashtag yet tiger tiger king virus probably i don't mean i don't know that's i'm not gonna go i don't i don't get onto the twitter that much it's also uh so i yeah i've been taking walks i should write down notes for stand-up i haven't been writing any stand-up oh Oh, what are you writing? Cookbooks? Yes, cookbooks. Different ways. What if you put two scoops of beans and one scoop of rice?

Two scoops of rice and one scoop of beans. You look remarkably like a healthy Artie Lang right now. Oh, man. And just the background, it looks like you are in your mom's basement. There is a staircase. There is a staircase, yeah. Yeah. It's my mom's basement.

Is it? It's your mom's basement? Yeah. This is where I spent the quarantine. Wait, how long have you been quarantined? Ohio shut it down like second or third. So it was, I think, three weeks. i don't know i've really lost i've really lost track yeah i called uh i called uh bingo's sister works for the national weather service

and i said since i can't check the news will you just uh text me the what the weather is going to be and she she texted me today and she goes saturday it's going to rain all day and i go when is that it's the one that rains all day doug you'll know yeah yeah you wake up at an array so you got bingo sister is like time and temperature remember time and temp at the top of the hour no you used to dial it on the phone right yeah yeah oh no i don't remember that like 9-1-1 is emergency and then you dialed three digits and you'd get the 888 is it 888 yeah yeah that way that way you could be on the phone like when i

was in high school i would call it and then i would be on the phone. Like when I was in high school, I would call it and then I would be on the phone. And so when my friend called me, it would go call waiting and not wake up my parents. Brilliant. In the last several years, I remember I dialed zero just to see what would happen. Do you still get an operator or you don't? On your cell phone? Yeah, it dialed zero and I don't think it did anything.

Do they still have information? Is 411 still a thing? If you type that into the dial pad, it just redirects you to Google. Immediately. It just opens up the other window on your phone. I mean, they have to, right? These old people didn't learn how to use

their phones all the way, so I'm sure that there's 411. I'm one of them. I'm a fucking old guy that when I die, I hope that all of a sudden i'm flooded with all the information that i could have done on my phone that i didn't know i could do like i can say hey google to it and it will do something but it always fucks up and makes me angry technology just bothers me dude i got one of those Google Home things and every now and then

in the middle of the night, it'll just start talking. Not like if I'm asleep and everything's off, but like I'll be watching a movie or something and then the thing will just start yelling out answers to questions no one's asked.

Yeah. Alexa does that every once in a while you have alexa yeah that's weird tell me the weather i just uh i just talked to todd glass i think todd glass and i might become like friends or something and I might become like friends or something. Uh oh. Technical issues. What is this? Issues with Andy? Nah, he's frozen. Hey, am I still frozen?

There you are. Okay. I was saying Todd Glass. Yeah, yeah. Todd Glass, do you remember Doug in Tampa like 10 or so years ago when you were at that bar and I was with Todd at the improv? And we all got to hang out that night? No. No, I don't remember much anymore.

Man, that was fun. It was your football jersey wearing days oh that's a while ago yeah is that the crowbar yeah the crowbar oh yeah right down the street from uh the improv yeah you had a story about going uh talking somebody some bar in la into thinking that todd was tree williams and they reopened the bar for you no no i wasn't there that was one of todd's fucking when i first met todd we worked together at the uh the vegas improv when it was at the riviera and uh uh actually it wasn't even improv then. It was just comedy at the Riviera.

And he told me a story. He looks so much like Treat Williams that they went to a bar in New York City and called ahead. Yeah, this is Treat Williams publicist. Is there a private table he could get? And he said that not only did they believe it was Treat Williams, but they gave him so much free shit that he got scared. And he said to his friend, like, if they find out that this is all bullshit, we're going to get fucking killed. I'm going to call Todd Glass. You know why? Because there's no goddamn rules anymore. He just agreed to do my

podcast someday. And now it's right now. Alright. Where's the... Which part do you hold to the thing? That's working. Back there? Yeah. Better like this or like this? That's good. Right there.

Put the part that you would put by your ear by the microphone. Oh, that makes sense. Your call has been forwarded. Ah, you motherfucker! Two in a row. Fuck you, Todd Glass. We're not friends after all. It is 8.21 p.m.

Oh, Jesus. 46 degrees. It is 8.21pm 46 degrees You guys talk What are you doing? He's texting Todd now To cuss him out for not answering You don't know this

Jeff but Doug called him last night And he also didn't answer And the night before He swore that he would always answer the phone if Doug called him last night and he also didn't answer. And the night before, he swore that he would always answer the phone if Doug called him. Oh, man. Todd's going to feel so bad. You can make him feel so bad for this. We had a great conversation last night about comics we hate.

And I go, oh, I think this is going to be an everlasting friendship. I don't know. And then Jaylee deleted some of the stuff i guess because we had a private conversation but then i continued it on into the uh the podcast my podcast and then chaley said an hour and 45 minutes into what was probably 30 minutes past when we should have wrapped it up i think the whole thing was brilliant. I think it was two hours of brilliance that I continued drunk dialing people in Alaska until one in the morning.

Man, Shaley, you've been around long enough to know that everything Doug does should be called 30 minutes after we should have wrapped up. It's so true. It's a life story. You know we got Shane Gillis coming out? Really? Yeah, he's gonna come live here. Oh, wow.

Well, he doesn't know that. I'm gonna hobble him. He thinks it's a visit, but no one's got shit going on. I think we should try to maybe start that cult. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Start a cult.

There's nothing else going on. Bars are closed. I have a bar. My bar is very open. There's a lot of fucking alcoholics out there that would join a cult just for the pop-off vodka. For the happy hour? Mm-hmm.

Man, haven't they kind of already? I mean, it meets right after work. Do we have to... Did I freeze again? No, no, no. I froze. I was scared. I started thinking about the cult and then i realized oh i don't like people that much yeah yeah yeah you have to get a real you what you do is you buy 40 pairs of shoes and then you know there's never going to be more than 40 Yeah, we need like some, like a closed military base that we don't have here. Ooh, the hangar.

Wait, what hangar? The airplane hangar out there on the highway. Or not by the airport, sorry. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jeez. Yeah, we should be able to be buying shit dirt cheap. I keep trying to find the scam.

All right, how do we capitalize on coronavirus? I don't know if property values are going to fucking plummet and we can just buy some shit up real quick. just buy some shit up real quick or i just read a whole article about how it's the opposite of 2008 so i still i think you're going to be able to but if you have like if you have capital i think you're gonna be able to get whatever you want uh what's that like what to read an article yeah to read an article i i'm not allowed to do that um someone sent us someone sent us like a whole year's worth of old time magazines for me to read because i can't read in current news that's pretty funny whoever did that what year are they from 2020 this year oh yeah this year but pre-corona

oh and i have to just give a quick shout out uh fucking todd glass good you know what because i was about to forget her name anyway it's beth her god betsy betsy godmit. What the fuck? Hey, you're talking to me and Jeff Tate on speakerphone. He's on Skype. I love being on speakerphone. Am I on your podcast? Yes, you're live. Except for your beautiful face is not on it. Oh, I didn't know I was on the podcast.

Let me turn it on a little. Hey, Dougie baby, how you doing? Jeff Tate, i haven't seen you in a long time how you been buddy when you called me yesterday you might have noticed that i put on podcast voice immediately and you were on fire and i go are we recording uh are you recording because i did podcast voice from the minute you called me and i'll tell you the truth todd when i sent you that picture and you did not respond within 10 seconds,

I go, oh, I hope you didn't take offense to that. No, I hate that I didn't respond because I'm always give, like, I don't even like to say, saying funny because it could sound sarcastic. So I always try to go, oh my God, so funny or funny with some exclamation points.

You know, and I hate that I didn't respond to you, oh my god, so funny or funny with some exclamation points. And I hate that I didn't respond to you, so I apologize. Jeff Tate, I took a picture. He said, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you because I was going to call you today and apologize for drunk

dialing you. Let me just tell him what you did. He tucked his dick into his ass and he was like, I guess you were like juggling oranges. And I just, I thought it was great. I could have done better. That joke sucked.

Yeah, Todd Glass is going to be on our podcast very soon via Skype. Yeah, but you're on it, but we're going to do it our podcast very soon via skype this was the podcast yeah but you're on it but we we're going to do it jeff tate is on skype so he's actually the guest but i wanted to get you since you agreed to be on my podcast i wanted to test your metal yes okay so can i before i turn the table before i say goodbye let jeff tate have a%. By the way, Jeff, I love you and miss you. Oh, I love you too, Todd.

And I miss you too, Todd. You can't hear me, can you? Oh, wait. Oh, that's right. You can't hear Jeff Tate because he's only in the fucking headphones. Oh, that's fine. I bet he said something like, I miss you too. Yes, he did say exactly that. Of course he did.

Of course he did. But can I say what I said yesterday short and then hang up and see if it's – I would like to know Jeff's opinion and I can listen to the podcast later? Yes. Yes, you can do that. Is that okay or is that bad? Yeah. I'll take my answer off the air. You said I'll take my answer off the air.

What did you say? Jeff Tate said I'll take my answer off the air. You said, I'll take my answer off the air. What did you say? Jeff Tate said, I'll take my answer off the air. Oh, good. I said, Todd, I said to the Jeff Tate guy that I know and love that I go, I think Todd Glass and I might be friends soon.

And I was taking a jump, but I think... No, look. Well, first of all, we've always been friendly. Yeah. You know what? I don't call you a lot. And after I called you the other day, I'm like, oh, my God, what bothers me?

Why am I calling him every night? Like, I call Gary Goldman, and we just talk about comedy until I fucking start screaming. I wish you would do that. But I don't want to be rude to jeff so why don't why don't we can i let me put that thing out there that i was going to but i'll keep it short and i'll hang up and it's all yours hey listen everyone's looking for content now so take your time okay so here's what it is jeff has very clean brilliant opinions about comedy. So I really want his intake. But I don't want someone to just agree with me.

If I'm making sense, agree with me. If not, tell me. But I think you can't really – I'm always striving to be a better comic. I don't criticize comedy because I think I'm great. It's just I want to try to get better. That's it. But I don't think you can be a great comedian, as good as you can strive to be, unless you do two things. One, obviously

compliment people. Be aware of what's good. Go out of your way to say it. And go after new comedians and always say, compliment comedy. Compliment where it's at. And complain about the stuff that's egregious. It's like life.

You can't love unless you feel sadness so you can't you gotta express the shit that's out there that's bad for you to be as good as you can be so for people or comedians that go yeah it bothers me but it's not that bad you know what then you'll never be great and there i will leave it uh i i i went a little after we talked you motivated me to do a two-hour podcast yesterday that's still not out because we got very drunk uh but yeah then i i i think i i took too many liberties according to greg chaley my producer and my lover uh that uh he actually cut out some of the stuff where I outed you of

some of the things we might have said about some people. Oh, no, you gotta cut that out. Because I would feel horrible. By the way, some people I actually like unless they socially rub me the wrong way. I mean, bad, then it's hardship, you know, bumping

them in a party but anyway all right thank you please edit every goddamn reference out of there you will get me in so much trouble no it was just it was the dead guy he fucking cut out because i it was later in the podcast i i started the podcast just so you know you know when people say hey you got mentioned in a podcast and you go well give me a fucking time stamp because I'm not going to listen to T-Wowers just to hear my name unless it's someone really good

exactly so I opened the podcast with our Jeff is just sitting there so why don't I let him let him he's in his mother's basement literally that's adorable I always thought he'd end up in his mother's basement literally uh that's adorable i always thought he'd end up in his mother's basement he didn't agree with me i love you todd i'll talk to you soon all right i

love you goodbye uh jeff you're the best goodbye i love you too all right i love todd glass all right tell me who the uh tell me all those names ralphie may listen i don't care because like ralphie may was like like kind of gay bashing he would ralphie may would do whatever he thought would get a reaction. He didn't have a real opinion about anything. And so, yeah. I'm sorry. Don't cut this out, Jaylee. All right.

I'll just, you know. All right. I'll just stop. I'll just stop. Can we leave in that he recently hit his goal weight is that i mean if we leave out his name that won't make any sense no we're not we're not leaving out his name i should have fucking creative control on my own podcast but i don't.

That's enough joke that if Ralphie was still alive, he'd be doing it next weekend. Well, I mean, whatever. It's the corona. Nothing matters. Nothing matters with dead people. don't i don't think there's i'm gonna get a lot of fucking shit from people ralphie was a sweetheart and uh he's dead i don't no one's gonna go how dare you shit on a legend like you probably get more you'll probably get more pushback on your John Prine opinion

yeah that might be true but that was a guy I've heard of I didn't know anything he did he was a mailman well if he hadn't have died, I would have tipped him. Because I tipped my UPS person and my mailman. Thank you for your service. And I wish that he was delivering mail and not playing those fucking horrible songs.

Terrible. Terrible. like even people that are like that had some hits and you go it's just it's like the cindy lopper let's say she had like three hits and she's still like a fucking celebrity. And you're repeating the fucking chorus. You didn't even put that many words into the fucking song that everyone knows. And why are you still a fucking... No one's listening to your new shit. I'm not probably going to be right on a lot of the things I say tonight. Isn't Cyndi Lauber in like a commercial for like

a Lyme disease pills or something? Yeah, I don't get those offers. I have 14 albums. Albums, I just said. Did I just say albums? Yeah. I don't even know what you call them anymore. Streams. Do you have your own podcast now?

Yeah, I just do one by myself from right here in the middle of the splendid isolation. That's who you should listen to is Warren Zevon. Just listen to Warren Zevon. I fucking like Zevon a lot. When people really push me to say who I like, because I generally just say I hate music. But yeah, Zvon is always the first. Yeah, you get a lot of fucking songs to like there.

Gin Blossoms, that's a band. I fucking, I like everything they do, even though they all sound the same. I like them all. Guess what I like? Matchbox 20. Guess who follows me on Twitter that I almost had the balls to retweet one of their tweets just to piss everybody off, but they follow me on Twitter. Same reason I voted Gary Johnson last election.

Well, you're part of the problem. That's why Trump's there. Yeah, but he followed me on Twitter. Same reason I voted Gary Johnson last election. Well, you're part of the problem. That's why Trump's there. Yeah, but he followed me on Twitter. If Trump did, maybe. But, yeah, Nickelback. That's right. Nickelback follows me on Twitter, and they don't follow a lot of people. And I

think it's probably because I've occasionally defended Nickelback saying hey some of their songs are catchy i like that uh so we want to be big rock stars thing and all that yeah i mean i like the sentiment too i want to be a big rock star that's the problem they were doing it like facetiously or sarcastically like that's dumb no no that's actually all the reasons i would want to be a big rock star and 15 houses and whatever i don't know what the fuck they randy newman themselves like every time he hears i love la he's like oh you motherfuckers that's not what i meant

i thought you're talking about short people. Yeah. I wish I liked Nickelback. Wouldn't it be great to have, like... There's three songs I like by Nickelback, and I don't give a fuck. The world's over. Everyone's dying. I'll just say it right now.

There's three songs. I don't remember the other two. But if I was on a Wikipedia page, I could point them out. There's something about going to the bottom of a bottle. That was their first... Yeah! That's a... Fuck you! It's a good

song! I don't like songs, but that's a good one. I mean, I wish... If I liked... Imagine liking a band and then being able to hear them on the radio. That hasn't happened to me in 50 years, man. If I like Nickelback is on the radio, that would be fucking awesome to just turn on your car and be like, fuck. Yeah.

Some songs. Keep talking. I got to go piss. Okay. I just, I just do this whole bit then. Sex! Ah!

Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know.

Love Dave Rader. Thank you, Dave Rader, for making emergency runs to Safeway. All right. Thank you, Dave Rader, for making emergency runs to Safeway. All right, we're back with Jeff Tate, G-E-O-F-F Tate. If you're trying to follow him on Twitter to find out all the hijinks that he's up to in his mother's basement. Ben, I'm only in the basement to be on the Skype. Is mother sleeping? Is she resting?

I don't know, man. I'm just trying to survive this. A guy my brother worked with, his wife had the corona, so he couldn't be around her. And we had to get her inside and get the groceries and shit, prescriptions and shit. Fuck. That's what we need. Not that you're not a good guest, but we need someone with Corona on the goddamn podcast

now that we can Skype and they can FaceTime and all that shit. Do you know Pink? Pink has the virus? That's news. Saying shit. So you know someone with corona? No, no.

It was closer. It was like one person in between the person and my brother. A co-worker of my brother's wife had it. I want someone who's dying of corona, not just has it asymptomatic and I'm just going to stay home. I want someone dying. I don't know that they would make a good guest, man. It's real respiratory. So even if they can talk, it's going to be pretty gurgly and stuff.

Well, have you heard my podcast? I'm pretty gurgly myself. I might make a new friend. Right? 40 years times two packs a day times we both sound the same. I don't know. I was just, since the Todd Glass thing, I was thinking maybe we should do a podcast where I just drunk dial and see if anyone answers. Like Marilyn Manson or fucking Johnny Depp.

They never answer. But we could try. That's your podcast as you air the outgoing voicemails of your most famous acquaintances? No, just try to drunk dial them on the air. Like last night, I got done with the podcast and then just started drunk dialing everyone. And unfortunately, a lot of them answered. And today, I thought,

whoa, I should do that on the podcast rather than after the fact. Right, that's on Shaley. He should know better than to stop recording when you're really getting into something he said he woke up this morning on his couch fully clothed no blanket and a peeled orange in front of him sorry the podcast didn't go out he says do you think it was one of those oranges you were juggling?

Starting to get a pretty clear picture of the night, you guys. Yeah, I find out a lot of shit the next night on the podcast where Chaley goes, you don't remember? You were passed out on the bar? Oh, no, I didn't remember that part. Oh, man, passed out on the microphone sounds like an old country song about a radio DJ. All right. Somebody give that to Wheeler Walker Jr. I don't want to go through the rest of the trouble of writing it or whatever.

Hey, you got to text Bingo. She's fucking desperately sad over there in her house. So text her. She gets all giddy when people text her. Why is she over in her house? Why isn't she with you guys? She's self-quarantining. She's got a doctor in her head.

She won't leave the fucking perimeter of her place. Oh, man. Her and Olivia Grace, both. oh man her and olivia grace and both we've been doing uh olivia grace and i uh did a driving tour of old bisbee today and saginaw which is where the shady dell is olivia grace had never seen the shady dell but we had to do it in separate cars and have speakerphone on for the whole trip. We were like 40 minutes. We drove all these back roads around Bisbee that she'd never seen.

But yeah, she's got the terror in these troubles. Man, if you recorded that, you could sell it. Like when you go to the museum and you buy those headphones and then some fucking suit is giving you a tour and you just got to keep up but it's you it's you're like giving real stuff but then also and like that's where andres lost his phone right there's where the guy that looks like Stephen King lives. That guy. Hey, Shane Gillis is coming from Virginia. Do you want him?

Because I'm pretty sure I drunk dialed McKenzie from Bird Cloud, who's going to come back to Bisbee. And I said, well, he could probably pick you up in Nashville, but that's a quick swing up to Cincinnati. We could have a whole tour bus of this. Do you want to help me start this cult? Oh, man. You, McKenzie, Shane Gillis, that's a fucking strong start for a cult.

I got to. How long do I have to decide? Two days? Wait, no. Tomorrow's Saturday. I just found out from my weather lady. So, yeah, I think Sunday he leaves. Just saying.

Do you know Shane Gillis yet? No, I don't know Shane Gillis. Yeah, he's a fucking New York guy. Those guys that never leave New York, you don't know them unless you go out of your way. But you know Mackenzie. From Bird Cloud? Yeah. That's ringing all

kinds of bells, but maybe I just like the band. Yeah, and everyone likes the band. So you want to talk about what Todd said? Why you talk about what's good and what's bad oh what we were just we we both uh gave examples of comedians that we fucking hate uh but uh i was giving up all right that one's kind of legit that's like he believes what he's doing rather than i know this is a fucking gimmick

that's gonna work right right right that's a that's a that's a check on the pro box that's on the pro side of the list yeah and he went into that same tirade he went into about he said uh without death is what he said yesterday without death there can't be love and i go well i think hate would work better than death in that analogy but i didn't say that because todd glass is calling me so i didn't want to argue right uh and what he said today sadness without sadness there can't be love something like that but he had a point that if you don't watch comedy with a critical eye and say that sucks you don't know how to apply that to your own act and yesterday he had really good examples of that where yeah yeah if if you don't see that

as being a terrible way to do come and then he, of course, we all have comics that we fucking hate. Yeah, yeah. But there's if you go into why you don't like it, then I think it's fair. If somebody goes,

oh, I fucking hate what Tate does, and then they break it down, and then you're like yeah that is that is what i do i'm sorry you hate it but if it's just because i wasn't like if it's because you were like an open mic or at some club i went to 12 years ago and i'm i wasn't fucking nice enough to you then fuck off yeah you get that real opinion and then you also get the people that were just in a shitty mood when they saw you and then they hate you. And then they realize, I was just having a bad day.

I fucking watched a documentary this morning and I go, I fucking hate this guy. I'm going to look up the director. He sucks so bad. I'm just going to tell him. And then I don't because it's mean. But yeah, it was fucking awful. And it's just because I was in a bad mood and i know when i hate a thousand things before i've even gotten out of bed to make breakfast then

it's me if i hate every single thing i see on tv okay that's me they didn't put they didn't program things I'll hate over and over again. Every commercial, paint kings, paint kings, I'll fucking kill you. Paint kings. Stupidest jingle, local commercial. Fucking, I've called. I've left fucking horrible messages for paint kings. Why don't, have you considered leaving them a new jingle see you're part of the solution yes i should leave a new jingle you should commission one

like i'm sure that they they're a local place so local means bisbee which no no tucson we don't there's no bisbee television all right so it means tucson that's still not that big yes it's the population of iceland right somebody can email i'm sure somebody uh why don't we get nickelback nickelback's probably listening if they follow you on twitter you know what angle for this i want i should d Nickelback hey, can I get... I want Nickelback on the podcast. I can do anything. Why not ask? I should

fucking DM Nickelback and say hey, I want you on the podcast. Maybe they'll do an acoustic number. Maybe they'll be part of my cult. The Nickelback cult. Say, hey, Chad.

You'll sound like a longtime fan. What? The singer's name is Chad. Oh. So be like, hey, Chad. Would you in the band like to be on? Do you think

that Nickelback does their own Twitter, or do they have a guy or a lady? I think it's the singer. You really think that? Write this down, Tracy. Again, we're going to get done with this soon, but we still have our company here. My maid is here and her dad.

And so I've caught myself doing, you know what you do when you get a heckle and you repeat it because you don't know if the audience has heard what you just got heckled so i've been doing they can't hear you so i'm repeating a lot of your stuff to try to keep them entertained because they're just sitting here and not hearing you and uh it's weird how you get your hackles up about oh oh they feel left out i'm not being a good host well make sure you sure you explain to them who Ralphie was, because some of those were real good. I think Dad knows Ralphie Mae, the 22-year-old model that just became my housekeeper. See? Taking advantage of coronavirus. Wash my toilet and get me a beer, because she used to be a bartender until they closed bars. So you can go, hey, housekeeper and get me a beer. Because she used to be a bartender until they closed bars, so you can go, hey,

housekeeper, get me a beer. Oh, man, this is like the TV show that Seinfeld tried to make on Seinfeld. Oh, wait, you played Chuckleheads. Yeah, I did. Yeah, she was your bartender. Now there's no fucking

bars anymore. You want to make a cameo? I forget what we were calling her yesterday. Daughter Bob Friendly? Yeah, yeah. Maid Bob Friendly, Daughter Bob Friendly. What's up? That's the camera. Whoa. Hey, what's up? That's the camera.

Hey, what's up? Yeah, that's my nanny. It's a nanny. Oh, you're a nanny. Yeah. Her dad cannot appear on camera. He's got a big job. Oh, yeah. He moved up from cop oh yeah oh shit don't tell him about the weed i smoked it's half legal here well the other the other half was tobacco then

the other half was tobacco then the other half was tobacco then all right this is weird uh okay you're the one that has a cop on your podcast no he's not a cop anymore oh he's the fucking chief of d's he's uh he's the senator i'm just gonna say he is uh that senator. What's her name? Kristen Sinema? Or is she a governor? I don't know. I don't know my fucking. I know my local government. I know David Smith is the mayor.

But after that. David Smith? What's he running from? Look him up. Look him up. He was on 60 Minutes. We still have a problem with that. put a guy behind bars for 44 years that was completely innocent oh wow ken budge is the new mayor all right are we are we strong on that

ken budge yeah all right yeah we're strong on ken budge hey we just endorsed Ken Budge for mayor. Oh, wow. Yep. The senator can't fucking nod or anything. He's completely out of this. He sounds like a real maverick. I haven't been following the news for a while. It's a John McCain joke put our lady back in here Tracy's

not only my favorite thing in life but now that she's actually on the podcast and mic'd up cause she would always chime in here and again but she was never on the mic. I would yell at her, say it on the fucking mic.

Now she's laved. She's laved up. She's got the laugh. The laugh? Just notice the fucking 1930s sunglasses. It's sunny here. It's not nighttime like it is.

It's indoors! This is how I came up. In the 30s? It would be so big. Because of all the dust that was blowing around, it was the Dust Bowl. God damn it, I've been watching that on fucking Netflix.

You can fall asleep to any Ken Burns. The Dust Bowl is one of the best ones. The fucking, the footage of the Dust Bowl. Have you seen the Dust Bowl? The Ken Burns documentary? Holy shit, that's fucking terrifying. Like walls of shit that they do in CGIgi now that was real shit john prine has songs about it john prine probably does have songs about it and they suck and they're not as good as

ken burns ken burns if he died you know break radio silence tell me maybe he's dead i don't know i'm never gonna tell you wait till uh wait till the ken ken burns nine part uh john prine documentary oh what he got coronavirus i was that was before news blackout and i i looked him up because i knew the name and then uh i don't know any of these songs fuck him you just wanted to see if you had him Now he's dead. I, you know, I liked, I knew some of his songs and I liked them. I know some people that really like them. I didn't

know until late in our relationship and we've had a strong relationship since fucking, you were there. You coined the term that I used in my bit, so I guess I stole it from you, was white trash Russians. You were the one

who put Yoo-Hoo in the tour van. We had vodka and Yoo-Hoo, white trash Russians. And yeah, I fucking kiped that from you, put it in my act. Man, we drank so much that month that

just a short three years later i quit drinking all together the uh when when was i tried to figure out 15 it was 15 years ago it was the weekend that you were on the bob and tom tour wait last weekend you were on a bob and tom tour i was only on two bob and Tom shows before they fired me. Well, then it was the day after the second one. Then it was the day after the second one. South Bend. I almost said South Park.

South Bend is, yeah, that's when I got fired. Shitting on that fucking club owner who fired Shawnee Rouse and didn't pay him for doing what he does for a living but someone was offended you hired an offensive guy and then you fired him for being offensive and he drove all the way from la to south bend indiana i'll never forgive that cunt she doesn't even she's not even in comedy anymore. I'll fucking track her down. I get a lot of free time. She probably works for Bob and Tom.

Yeah. As a listener. Come on. That was funny. They have to hire listeners. That was funny. I'm going to, I'm going to repeat my joke.

Oh, fuck. I don't know if I... I mean, I don't get up early enough. I'm not taking a job that early in the morning. Maybe that's another... Because I've been trying to catalog all the benefits and bonuses of coronavirus, like letting people out of jail and people learning to work from home or having to take care of their own fucking kids instead of school teachers taking an eight-hour shift of raising your fucking child. But that might be one that people that now don't have to go to work go morning radio sucks it's terrible maybe that's a fucking bonus brad we just start tweeting out now that you're free

all day why don't you explore this wide world of podcasts and get cut cut the cord to that am fucking radio dial yeah let's just for something for the listeners to do yeah tweet at the hashtag news blackout other benefits and bonuses of the fucking coronavirus that hopefully will stay part of the uh you know fucking no traffic is a great thing yeah you don't have to go there you can call in you can do it over a phone or a skype you don't have to be in fucking traffic sam tell us all the fucking benefits you found from coronavirus let's keep this shit positive people did i spit on you no it's the flies yeah that fucking fly keeps landing on me and i smell really bad jeff tate but i don't yeah why uh i mean i can tell from the through the screen do you know how the best part of the

bob and tom show was when the comics were talking. Well, now you can just listen to podcasts. Hashtag news blackout. That's, I mean. I'm going to drunk dial one person. And then we're going to close this out. Drunk dial that person. Don't tell me who it is and then make me try to guess

based on your conversation. Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Please hold. Check this out. Orange reading glasses. So it looks like you're just trying to be cool. You can wear them during the day. Not like those fucking sunglasses

where you're wearing your sunglasses at a bar. These are orange tinted, but they're readers, so they think, oh, he's just trying to be a little bit cool and hide the fact that he's old. Terrible. Terrible. I like those, Jeff. Oh, geez.

That was what I was thinking Doug when you put him on I was like damn this is a fucking this is a deep track this is a deep track drunk dial let's see if she answers Jeff will not guess this one no you can't you wouldn't know her

but perhaps if you're a KGUN9 morning news watcher and like the weather. I think I got enough clues to Google. Yep, you do. Hi, this is April. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thank you. At the tone, please record your message. When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. April Madison, my favorite weather lady. You are on my podcast against your will. At least your outgoing greeting was, you didn't answer. So, yeah, during this pandemic, we're podcasting, and I'm doing a lot of drunk dialing to celebrities, large and small. And you are perfectly fit for either category.

Uh, you're on, uh, with Jeff Tate, legendary comedian, Jeff Tate. And, uh,

you didn't answer. No one's ever seen me. All right. We, we, we're going to go more. We're moving our way up to Johnny Depp, but,

uh, you are on the ladder. I hope you're wonderful. I'm on a news blackout. Find it on Twitter. I can't watch you anymore. I have to call my sister-in-law who works for the National Weather

Service to get the weather because I don't have any news. Okay. I hope you're great. I was going to say I love you, but that would seem weird because I don't really know her. I met her once, though. We used to fuck with Jeff Beamish so badly that I was banned from an entire station. So I had to go to Channel 9 now.

Oh, yeah? I mean, I can still watch there, but I feel bad because I know on Twitter I'm banned from everyone. KVOA Channel 4 has completely... Yeah. I've made some mistakes, Jeff.

You weren't always there for me to say that's a little too far. Has that ever worked? No. No. I think we're going to wrap this podcast up. I don't...

I'm having fun, but... Oh, yeah. Okay. Take a lot off. Explain to him what you're doing. Every day, every podcast, I shave a chunk of my hair. If you can see.

This patch is missing. So, yeah, I'm doing a 30-day haircut to shave my head. It's like that thing in Major League where they put the dress on the owner what's that it's like that thing in the movie major league where they're like we got to win 26 more games and every time we win a game we'll peel a piece off the off the whatever so that that lady ends up naked oh jesus i'm already fucking i'm stealing a bit from Major League. No, first of all, it's a good movie. It's the first one. Yeah. Let's say Major League Two or Major League Three, okay?

So calm down. All right. Well, I'm going to pick the spot. Tell me which spot. I want to keep a tuft right here. Like it was a loop. There you go. Tracy's my barber tender.

Jeff, do you like right side? Right side? Left side? Right side. Right side. Where you are. All right. Right here.

All right. Let's do it. Turn your head to the left, Doug. Alright, let's do it. Turn your head to the left, Doug. Sorry about the ear. How's that? This is good. This is cool.

No, wait. I don't like that. Hold on. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right. You look like you're about to be like freed from a prison planet in a weird futuristic sci-fi movie. You got to put the implant right there. Yeah.

Occasionally I, I, I wave at the neighbors all the time and sometimes they look at me weird and I forget my hair is all splotchy. Even my nanny, she goes, I didn't know if you were just pulling out your hair because of stress. That was you, right? That said that?

Yeah. Now, you would have done that. If you pulled your hair out from stress, you would have done that that month. You quit smoking in the trailer. Yeah. That's not a Doug move. Did that guy ever move in next to you? Don't talk about it.

Alright, let's cut it out then. Shouldn't talk about it. Shouldn't talk about it. No. He has not. He has done some work. No, he has not.

He has done some work. But even if he's listening to this podcast, he tuned out like 20 minutes ago. You think he made it of the first hour? Jeff Tate, I hope that you jump on the caravan that's coming from Virginia. Shane Gillis, Bird Cloud, Jeff Tate, I hope that you jump on the caravan that's coming from Virginia. Shane Gillis, Bird Cloud, Jeff Tate. You'll probably get some people from Austin that are fucking... We got a lot of Austin people.

Lulu Monkey, what's she doing now? We could fucking have a cult. Remember those parties? Yeah, what if that lasted forever? Oh my God. remember those parties yeah what if that lasted forever oh my god i mean when you put it like that it sounds it sounds pretty scary yeah that's what i'm gearing for well don't worry we got local government locked up we're fucking fine

I'm just incriminating this poor prick he's laughing I'm kidding for the record I'm kidding no no I'm not kidding about the cult I'm serious about the cult we should start a cult it's been my the only thing that i really look forward to do you know that like have you thought about i know this isn't a news blackout but have you thought about the fact that if they were

writing the bible about now this would be like one of the plagues it wouldn't be blown off by the church people they would be like god is mad at us but because we're living through it that makes me think that you know how like if when you hear about the bible they make it seem like all the people in egypt were like what the it's raining frogs but for sure there was a at least half the people were like damn there's a lot of grasshoppers around and some of them denying it this is the same amount of grasshoppers as always i fucking love you so much jeff pate oh well man i'm just getting it all i love you so much, Jeff Pete. Oh, well, man, I'm just getting it all. I love you too, Doug.

All right. I think it's a seracool night for me. Wake up strong tomorrow. 17 hours from now. Are you having the local grocer deliver your... No, Dave Rader has been doing most of the heavy work.

The Chaley's have been doing some fucking good lumber. But Dave Rader, you know Stocks, the stalker Deb? Deb Stocks? Yeah, her husband Dave Rader goes out with a respirator on his face, breaking bad style. And he's, he's done some, he's done some good work for us getting to the safe way.

And yeah, I don't eat that much anyway. No, no, no. You usually got to be told to, I like seeing the people in in my where i live that uh like there's like the three kinds of people the people that are like oh they take it seriously

they wrap their face and whatever the people that are never gonna do it and then the people that have been waiting their whole lives to wear their goddamn mask doomsday Preppers are all about, see, told you. Finally. It's got dust on it. The whole front of it's covered in dust. They've had it for years. I told you, honey. Don't forget to text Bingo or tweet her at Bingo Bingaman and figure that out.

At Bingo Bingaman. or tweet her at bingo bingaman and figure that out at bingo bingaman but you yeah fucking text her because yeah she's uh she's a she she was she was teeth whitening today and i said why if you're not gonna smile because every time you call me you're crying does she still smoke cigarettes no no she actually went through all of her nicotine she ate like all of her nicotine uh tablets and then she then she threw all the rest away and i thought she was bitching that she was out of nicotine and i found two pieces of her nicotine gum and i was already in my car to drive them over and leave them on the wall. Where she goes, no, I threw them away so I don't keep poisoning myself with nicotine. But she doesn't watch movies.

She doesn't read books. She has no attention span for Netflix. So, yeah, she works out a lot. she's buff as fuck she'll take you she'll take you down okay well i mean i wasn't challenging her but i believe well that's because you didn't play too much bob seger on a fucking jukebox i learned my lesson no more than four that's a great story i'll tell i'll tell i'll tell the uh my maid and her dad that story afterwards okay good i think everyone knows that story yeah probably anyway yeah brett erickson almost lost a finger in that fight oh yeah yeah yeah just getting outside Jalee and I went home early cause we're old men and that's

what old men do they leave early while you start fights man I'm an old man now I'll leave first I'll be I'll go sit in the van after my set I don't give a fuck anymore I love you we'll anymore. I love you.

We'll talk soon. I love you too, man. Take care. Think about it. Cult. I am. I am. You're always an idea, man, and I appreciate it.

All right. Bye. Bye. Take us out, bingo. Okay. Bye- bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.