The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#375: Day 11 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Day 11. Who eats a whole potatop, more of Todd Glass's outgoing voicemail message and a couple of Patreon questions.Contact info for Bobby Cauldwell @notesfromthepenRecorded April 12th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Ms. Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantStanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house.Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast 40 bucks says joey forgets that fucking barbecue sauce it's a marinade doug yeah i just start talking every now and then because I don't know if Chaley already gave me the fucking nod. I said, are you ready? And you said, I've been ready since 12. Yeah, but then you keep fucking with the board, so I don't know. I'm adjusting levels.

Yeah, okay. Okay, ready? Okay. Action. 40 bucks still says Joey forgets the barbecue marinade that someone sent us at some point but our maid fucking destroyed this

fucking bar cleaning it up and found all sorts of shit that we were what did we get rid of we sent what that sounds weird my maid destroyed this bar cleaning it up yeah no I mean, like, fucking found... Break eggs to make an omelet.

I guess. Yeah, like, sorry. No, it was, it's a, it's phenomenal what she did, and like, why is that still here? Like, there's so much shit here that why is, and, yeah, we sent her back with a bunch of it. Uh.

Anyway, uh, yeah. Joby and Chad. Do we have a name for our maid yet? I know we keep referring to her as different things. You're changing it up a little bit. Yeah. Ms. Popov. I'll bring it around.

Anyway, so so yeah we've been sitting here on a Saturday or a Thursday or no one fucking knows anymore uh it's day 11 yeah well Chad and Joby we go we'll do the Monday and the Wednesday

at once and then like just we'll just put this out on fucking Tuesday this is the Monday for Tuesday and then Wednesday will once. And then we'll just put this out on fucking Tuesday. This is the Monday for Tuesday. And then Wednesday will be whatever it is. Because nothing matters anymore. I asked Joby to bring me smokes because when I got high

two hours before last night's podcast, it didn't really kick in at all until I started drinking, and then it stayed. It stayed for fucking ever. I called everybody. Todd Glass called me at, like, midnight. And I think I watched his special. I'm going to have to watch it again.

You did. But did I watch the whole thing? Well, that wasn't in the text you sent me. Oh, what did I text you? You texted me Todd Glass. Oh. And then you said like brilliant. Yes.

I thought, well, did he call? Todd is brilliant. Now I do remember because I spaced it out. And then I texted it to him. But I don't know if that was before or after I talked to him on the phone. And I don't know what I said to him. And that's why i can't have friends that are new todd you have to understand yeah i'm i'm your age and i never remember anything you did todd glass period space brilliant so you were still pretty high yeah i mean it's weird because i've of all the fucking with edibles i've done i've

never done it sober so evidently it's the fucking alcohol that kicks it into oh fuck i asked you at that same time when you sent me todd glass period space brilliant uh what happened and he and you said his special i go i know right and he said, I just ate a box of Muddy Bears after a waffle. And before that, I ate a whole baked potato. Like, who eats a whole baked potato? A loaded piece of the skin. No, you ate a loaded baked potato. Oh, yeah.

I remember that typo and was too lazy to fucking fix it. But yeah, I loaded that motherfucker up. That was the first thing. Then I went back for a waffle. Then I came all the way out here, and it was cold as fuck, to get a box of Muddy Bears. Ate the entire box.

So yeah, I must have watched Don's whole show. So I'm going to have to watch it again. Because I also started, I guess it must have been after that, Bobby Kennedy for president. Have you watched that? Four-parter. And I go, this is really interesting. And then I watched that whole thing this morning, woke up, I don't know what time, I think Bingo texted me at like 6.15 in the morning.

When I used to sleep really well, I remember I had a period of like, Oh, if I remember to turn off my phone, but just hearing that, that, that, that gets in your head. Oh, your ringtone is a tapping text notification. Did it?

Like, Oh, fuck someone. It's probably bigger. I don't know someone. And then 15 minutes later, you realize, Oh,

I have to piss too bad. Anyway, I might as well check it. And I go, yeah, I want to know, someone. And then 15 minutes later, you realize, oh, I have to piss too bad anyway. I might as well check it. And I go, yeah, I want to watch this thing. It's like four or five hours. I don't know. I go, but I have nothing else to do. And then I went, oh, fuck, it's podcast day with Chad and Joby.

God damn it. I do have something to do. So here we are. It's podcast day for the next 15 days. I asked our maid. We'll just go with your real name, Julia. Were you asking her as you said it? Well, she's going to go to Safeway.

And so I gave her a monster list. And then evidently last night I texted her to pick me up smokes. And then this morning I texted Joby, hey, can you pick me up smokes? Because I didn't remember asking her. And then I opened my fucking mail. Did anyone ever look in the

mailbox? Some douche put a fucking newspaper and like a necklace in the mailbox i just picked the mail around it and uh you left it there yeah it's still sitting in there and you can tell it's a used newspaper i assume you can look at security footage and that's why i texted you that like five hours ago shape is the necklace in it looks like like chunks of bone or something i don't know it's just look creepy so i just left it in the mailbox you didn't text me i got the potato was the last one i got from you the fuck that's all right we'll we'll work out the communication area later but i'll still check it

you don't want it though you don't want the box i did get from brad and cheryl in maine it came with a glass a pint glass of wicked good pub glass from Maine, a T-shirt that says, this is the way life should be with old 70s band on it, Maine. But also, Brad and Cheryl sent me a carton of spirit yellows. Not a sponsor, but well appreciated. So, yeah, then I get to text joe be back skip the smokes and then julia says uh oh i forget your smokes and i go oh i forgot texting you to bring them

so everything's working perfectly and we all were like sour pusses four drinks ago when chad showed up joe b was mad they didn't get to go shooting because of the fucking 30 mile an hour gusts of wind. But look, look who's happy now. Me.

You know, I think just to be honest. I don't know what happened. I've been drinking as much as you. And I don't feel any better. Well, because you had cigarettes.

Should we, just to be safe, should we call Todd Glass to make sure he's not buying American Spirits to send here? I'm gonna call him. You know what? I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna dial him. No one's gonna be able to hear except, uh, Wait, you said I'm all loaded up

on this. I wanna make sure it's not gonna go straight through the, uh, through the board. You know the great thing about having cigarettes when I was about to run out? I won't get the Nick Fitz. Oh, did I was about to run out? I won't get the Nick Fitz. Oh, did I say Nicky Fitz accidentally? This guy who sent a bad email once.

I wanted to fuck with him every single day on the podcast, but I bet my email's loaded up with Nicky Fitz references. He sent that Times Square album. Alright, I'm calling Todd Glass? Yeah. Oh, man.

He would say something last night and then turn around and go like, Oh, my God. Did I call Joby? It's like, you just hung up with him. Yeah, Joby had to tell me I called Joby. I know I called you because I know you're up till four in the morning fucking talking. Did you call me and say, are you up this time? I was like, no.

Because I know you're up till four in the morning fucking talking. Well, every day that you've been over here working, you tell me that you were up till seven in the morning on FaceTime. Doug, it's TikTok. Remember, she explained it to you the other day. God damn, Todd Glass. hi Todd you're on the podcast I was really high last night and I didn't I only vaguely remember talking to you but I don't know what and I watched your special and I'm gonna have to watch it again just like I had to do with Bobby Kennedy for president it's tough times we live in and I don't

ever know if you really love me alright bye what you're just constantly worried about Todd Glass's opinion of you. Yeah, I'm really worried about it. I'm not even high right now.

That's the weird thing is like this is just residual high or maybe it's from the Muddy Bears. I woke up still feeling – Peckish? Peckish. Wow. That's why I love writing around Tracy. I don't have to go to thesaurus.com around tracy

was that correct you woke up hungry for chocolate and you know you think i'm in a news blackout bingo again still going fucking crazy after all these years she goes oh because i know she has netflix over there but she can't figure it out and won't let anyone in to fix it for her so she's just going through for some reason we still have pay channels like is there any good reason to still have hbo and showtime and cinemax to she goes oh i found a good one i found Forrest Gump I go okay that's good fun to relive old memories then she calls me back

10 minutes later and goes no one ever told me Forrest Gump's retarded I go wait you've never seen it before I'm in the news black and you're seeing Forrest Gump for the first time just this whole fucking thing is a series of mistakes because

last night and I remember this because I wrote it on my hand with a sharpie Bobby Caldwell who I love he's a prisoner in Michigan. We've developed a relationship. And so I talked to his mom last night.

That's the conduit. He doesn't have the money to call me. Anyway, she goes, yeah, he was going to call you. I wanted him to call in on the podcast. His Twitter is at notes from the pen, and I've promoted him as much as I can, and I'm going to promote him again. And last night, I sent him some walk in the yard money here and again. And I go, oh, he didn't call because he doesn't have the money

and she goes yeah because he's got restitution to pay so even if you sent him a fucking thousand dollars he only gets 50 bucks a month till he pays off and I go how much is it she's whatever it was I go well how about I just

pay off his fucking thing so he can get money from whoever? And I thought that's a great idea. And then I wrote it on my hand and woke up going, wait, I'm out of work, too. And you don't even know how much it is. You just wrote a fucking blank check. No, I knew a rough range. But I said, yeah, tell me tomorrow what it is specifically and send me an address.

And then this morning I woke up with that on my hand going, I can't go fucking paying a lot of money for shit when I have no income. Yeah, last year is a little different. I bought a bunch of dumb cars and stuff, but i was working or i had the ability to if i wanted to like so i had to do this and then i got a massive fucking email from bobby caldwell i heard from my mother you don't have to do this and you were probably drunk or high when you thought to do this but what you just thought i would take fucking your friendship over any amount of money and but i know the fucking how much that must have fucked with his psyche to think oh i'm gonna be able to you know he said like yeah i have to decide between do i want a fucking lou reed album

or to eat it's between food or a luxury and i've learned to deal with that but it was and then i just felt even worse so yeah we'll get you bobby called well when it's closer to your release we'll set up a big fucking party for you but yeah follow at notes from the pen he's a brilliant writer and if you don't know the shit that prison is yeah he fucked up he fucked up pretty bad you probably won't have a lot of sympathy for him but it's good dude strong writer yeah i've communicated with his uh mom a little bit because my daughter is uh in jail so her and i have talked about you know a little bit of things that go on chad you have to pick her up from fucking jail tomorrow well i gotta go to phoenix tomorrow and then pick her up from fucking jail tomorrow. Well, I gotta go to Phoenix tomorrow

and then pick her up Wednesday morning like four in the morning. That's release time? Oh, you think that's the fucked up part? They release all the females with all the males at the same time in the parking lot and they have to walk a couple of blocks to a

Circle K to call somebody to come and pick them up. Fuck. Because they don't give them specific times. and they have to walk a couple of blocks to a Circle K to call somebody to come and pick them up. Oh, fuck. Because they don't give them specific times. The one Circle K that still has a pay phone. So, yeah, I'm just going to go park in the parking lot of the jail and sit there and wait so she doesn't have to. Jaylee, when you were gone, I was saying,

all I could think of was the Blues Brothers scene at the beginning where he picks picks Elwood up from jail or Jake I go we should send him in the suburban as a cop car just to recreate that scene like what the fuck are you picking me up in a cop car

for look like a snitch. Ay, ay, ay. Drive, drive. I'm going back in. I do not want to be in the fucking middle of Phoenix at Maricopa County Jail at four in the morning looking like a cop. With no backup. Yeah, not at all.

Riding solo. Not at all. Yeah, she did her time. Her year is up. Yeah, Bobby was apologizing for not. He was going to call me. I said, just call me anytime. Not for the podcast.

I want him on the podcast, too. And he didn't have the money. But they don't tell it. I told Mama C. I said, hey, just have them call collect. I thought that's how it worked. Oh, no, Michigan won't allow fucking collect calls because they don't get a cut of that.

Oh, yeah, makes sense. So, yeah, you have to put money in an account. I'm just going to send her a fucking beer money check, and she can figure it out. I don't even I should probably not even say this part. Probably not. You want to go to a commercial?

No, no. You guys all have fucking notes. I have taught Glasshaw my notes twice. That's how fucked up I am. Are they one right after the other? Yes, they are. All my notes. The second one reminds him of the first one.

I've just got exactly what I said before. I come out with all these notes thinking that we're going to catch into a conversation. No, I just burn through all my notes. Except the note that I've had from yesterday that I didn't remember is the amount of people, and you can count them too, that say, yeah, yeah, this social distancing hasn't changed my life at all. And it's just a reminder of how fucked of lives me and all my friends have. Or maybe I did say that yesterday. I don't know. We talked about it.

It was pre-podcast. I think it was post-podcast. One of them. Yeah. Like, every person we know is like, doesn't affect me. Yeah. And the way it does, the things you talk about are the strangest things. The other day I was talking to Fury.

He's more antisocial than Joby and I put together. And he went over to P poco and got himself a burrito and he got an extra one and uh left it uh on olivia grace's doorstep and then he's well i left olivia but i don't know if she's gonna i i texted her and told her that that you know i i only touched the bag and then and then it evolved, well, I already ate my burrito. Should I go and see if her burrito is still on the door? That's Poco, too. He's a vegetarian.

Yeah, yeah. So that's not like just going to Taco Bell or something. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, the conversations have changed a lot around this stupid thing. Yeah, I think I already talked about that. No, uh, yesterday we got confirmation on shady Dell, uh, offering food.

Third. Was it Thursday, Friday and Saturday trace? They're trying to do delivery. Yeah. Well, since we're doing this every day, we'll update.

But, uh, last night it's not until Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Oh, nice. Yeah.

I mean, they opened up a week before everything started shutting down. Yeah. It's a bummer. Joby was making bread. Yeah, English muffins for him. So, yeah, you can't go wrong there. Joby's English muffins are fucking legendary. People would go to the farmer's market just for them.

And Joby didn't give a fuck because making English muffins is more of a pain in the ass than going to a farmer's market. Well, he wanted to up it a little too. He goes, let's make a fire oven pizza right there in the fucking

farmer's market. Also brilliantly good oh great but it's like just up the difficulty level of like just humping the gear and i didn't want to do any and you didn't want to do one thing yeah but i had english jonathan with me at least that your intern because we we would drink while we were doing it so it was fun saved you from just sitting there drinking? Yeah. That should be it. That should be the new booth at the farmer's market.

Just guys sitting there just drinking. I'd probably go to the farmer's market. Draw a crowd. I don't know how that would work. You just get people to drink with you? Chairs? No, no, you shun them. I drink alone.

I go to the most crowded place on a Saturday to fucking ignore you. Put an empty chair next to you just so you can be like, somebody, this is saved. Yeah, just put a cowboy hat on. They're at the toilet. You know what it said there? This is for my coat.

You have a whole bar and you sit next to me? Asshole. Fuck. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Trace. Thank you, Tracy. I didn't even know I was in Los Angeles. Fucking 40 mile an hour winds.

Whatever they are. It sucks. It's like probably to the rest of the country. Well, it's kind of still. Well, now it's April. I guess it's spring somewhere. It's beautiful except for the fucking wind. Makes it unbearable. We were supposed to go shooting this morning, you mentioned.

We've already postponed it because of the weather. This was the second date, so we were supposed to go out and go shooting. Yeah, Joby had a good analogy. Yeah, it was like someone that actually enjoys sex that doesn't get to have sex. That's what it was like for me today. I didn't get to go shooting. Yeah. Have you shot your new gun yet?

No, that was supposed to be the... He's got his blue balls. I've got a... His new gun. I've got a scope put on it. I've got a scope put on it. I've got a sling. It's ready to go. A scope?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It looks shiny. It's really shiny. You think I didn't already have a plan for this? I've been wanting one of these guns for a long time. So the... The zombie apocalypse.

Apocalypse gun? Is that how you call it? Absolutely. 22? Yeah, it's been a week since you were here, and we licked Olivia Grace's door knob. Oh, man. That's true.

What assholes. I was so drunk, I didn't remember most of that. And then we still came back here and got more drunk than that. You were so drunk, you forgot your weed here. That's pretty drunk. Oh, yeah. That's very drunk. Not because yeah. That's very drunk. Not because I need, like, I have more pipes and I don't need the grinder.

I left my pipe in my grinder. I felt horrible about that because that's a fucking, you don't need that here. That should be something I keep on me like a fucking weapon. You know, I'm responsible. I felt bad about that. you know i'm i'm responsible i should be i felt bad about that so many people leave their like the kenny and derrick's leave their fucking weed paraphernalia shit but yours i knew immediately i'm like chad left his fucking chad was so drunk that's how i know what a grinder is is because kenny and derrick was so drunk he drove me home That's how drunk Chad was. I didn't wonder about that for a minute the next day.

Well, there's logic behind that. The back seat of Jenny's Jeep is filled with car seats, and neither Joby or I are going to fit in a car seat. Not even for a joke. Not from here to Joby's house. Jenny can fit in a car seat. Yeah. So I drove from here to there, and then she got out of the car seat and drove, and I rode.

I was so fucking drunk. I thought I left my phone here, too. I woke up the next morning, and I was like, yeah, I left my phone and my weed. I'm so drunk. And then the voice on the other end of your phone said, you're on your phone. Jenny's like, you were on your phone on the way home, dumbass. So I went out and looked. It was under the seat in her Jeep.

I was fucking hammered. I was, oh, wow. That was pretty wrecked, too. That was a good time. I feel like I should apologize to Olivia, and I'm not even sure for what, but I feel like I should. Wouldn't hurt. Sorry, Olivia. Yeah, took the brunt of that. Wouldn't hurt. Yeah, Jay and I

took the brunt of that. We had her on a podcast the next day. Good, good, good. Well, I hope you apologize for all of us. It was your idea. No, it was Joby's. The lick in the doorknob was Joby first. I remember. That was definitely Joby. That was me.

But you did it with me. I know. It was a mob mentality thing. It was. That's why social distancing is good. The slippery slope when you get all liquored up like that. Especially when you've been social distancing and then all of a sudden you're not. You're more prone, I think, to that mob mentality. It's hard to kiss each other and lick doorknobs.

It was like our first boy-girl party in high school. It was horrible. I even tweeted the next day. I was doing pretty good with my quarantine until I got drunk and kissed Joby and Stanhope to make Olivia Grace cringe. Oh, my goodness. I don't think we have it. I think we're clear. I feel pretty good.

That's a wet cough. That so wet i was wet that was so wet i almost ducked that's uh yeah i've been seeing some of that coming out of the egg whites that tracy's pouring into my uh my uh whiskey sours i was i was gonna say white russians but that was yesterday when i realized that expired milk didn't smell bad. And I went, fuck the whiskey sours. I got two days on the egg whites. Let's do the fat-free milk while I have the opportunity. And after I ate a fucking baked potato and then a waffle and then an entire pack of muddy bears. And then I was still sitting up going,

I should go get another White Russian. Because that fat-free milk is going to turn in minutes. It does not have the energy. There's a nice revelation in there, I think, that was overlooked is the fact that people might wonder how a great drinker like Stan Hope chooses what he's going to drink on any given day.

And it's by expiration date. Come to find out. Hello, Discount Meat. I did not send Julia to the Discount Meat section because I do have a question relating to drinks. Jim Lee from Patreon

appreciates the videos and stuff. He's from Australia. His question is, can we get a few of Doug's favorite drinks other than the White Russians and Vodka Grapefruit and any special tips for mimosas or old fashions? I do my mimosas. I don't know if you have

proper apple cider down there. We only get it here during the October. It's Australia, not the moon. Well, I don't know if they have apple cider there. Apple juice and apple cider? Apple cider is different than apple juice. I said proper.

All right. Apple cider. I use that instead of orange juice in a mimosa. And we call them autummoses because it comes in autumn. We've never called them that. I call it that autumn I've never heard that ever I call it that you're right Tracy I think that's the bullshit I've been calling them that for years

maybe at your other bar but not this one well I don't but the white Russian is a thing you do at a certain time usually white Russians I'll do when I remember that I love But the white Russian is a thing you do at a certain time. White Russians I'll do when I remember that I love them. It's usually at the end of the night. That'll be the end of the night. It's vodka and milk, basically, with the tiniest splash of Kahlua.

Last night it was, by the end of the night, milk and the tiniest splash of Kahlua. Oh, you were cheating me? You were doing fine. Good. I think I told you to cheat me. You did. You told me, and I went down

and down and down and down. Nicely done. Vodka grapefruit, I think that's just the standard because it's always vodka and a juice. Yeah, I can't. Straight juice. Unless it's morning drinking at a bar where you go, I don't want to drink

but the bar is open at 6 a.m. I'll do a vodka orange. A screwdriver. Yeah. Without soda water. I still have to cut it with soda water. That's what I'm saying. Occasionally I'll do that when I just want orange juice,

but fuck it. Put vodka in it too. Vodka orange is a good quick. They're going to get ready to taxi the plane in first class i've noticed that is like if someone if you hear two other people order vodka oj's just at the same just all four of us we'll all do it watch that because uh as uh tom segura couldn't tell you the best seat is uh uh to be in first first class because you don't want to be in one. That's bulkhead.

You have to put your shit up on top of you. So 2B, you're going to get your drink order first. And then I do watch that because just a coffee, I'll have a club soda. And then if you're the first to order an actual cocktail at 6 in the morning, then you watch all the people in 3, actual cocktail at six in the morning then you watch all the people in three four and five like yeah the bloody mary okay he's doing it set the pace man yes yeah shilling applause yeah it's like licking a doorknob someone else is gonna do it everyone does it that was a corona high five for Joby. From a distance.

Yeah, when Julia fucking pulled this whole fucking bar apart and put it back together, I didn't know we had fucking Crystal Skull Vodka. Crystal had vodka. There's two of them. There's two of them down there. There's a reason it's down there. I was going to ask if it had a fucking seal on it. It's got the seals on them, I think.

Oh, I thought we had already. No, I think one of them I filled with. I filled one of them with bogus. I just pulled one out and it had the seal. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I think the other one's bogus, Trace. Check the other one.

Because we did that with that Frank Sinatra bourbon or that whiskey. We just filled it with Jack. It was Ron White's tequila you made bogus just to see who's going to fucking steal it. We had a fancy Frank Sinatra whiskey. Jack. It's the guy that came to do the documentary. Yeah. It was Jack or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I filled it with bogus just because. They have a few different of the skull head ones. Jenny got me one one time because it was cheap and it was a skull. I didn't like it. The vodka tasted weird. It's vodka.

I've never had vodka that tasted weird. That's the only one I remember. I don't think it was that one. The crystal head. I think it was an offshoot. That's Dan Aykroyd's brand. Which one is his?shoot. That's Dan Aykroyd's brand. Which one is his? Skull. Crystal Skull. Dan Aykroyd, who just recently passed

from the coronavirus. Hold on a minute. How did you get that news? How did you get that news? He makes up his own news in the blackout. This just in. What I imagine is happening. I think that's a good idea.

News reel of what I imagine. Yeah. You tell the news. That should be your next one. The news according to Doug. 60 Minutes style. Oh, that'd be funny. You want more doug yeah we all do that was fun uh smoke a bowl dan now we've talked about this in the past but it's been a while i'm glad he brought this up because i'm curious about this too dan lang from patreon

asks uh doug had mentioned the idea of doing the great reset podcast for newer listeners. Have you guys put any more thought? I'll tell you right now. No. Into making that happen. Explain what that is. And then you can answer the question. Well,

I thought that if we just like did like a reset of, all right, here's the, here's the episodes you have to listen to. This is who everyone is. Because I don't want to get into a podcast that's fucking seven years old when it's like this where you have to know everyone that's involved. No, we haven't thought about it at all. And now that you mention it, I don't want to think about it.

It seems like too much work. Show prep over. It's not that kind of podcast. A lot of podcasts, you know who people are. Not on Stanhope. You don't know who the fuck anybody is. I wonder if Shane Gillis listens to this podcast

as he's on his way here. Or if we could conspire to Alright, let's make this a whole fuckwit of Shane Gillis. I couldn't do it. I'm banking on that he's not listening. I think what we should do is you mentioned it the other night and not in this sense, but I think we should set up a Skype station in the little house.

And when he gets here, shepherd him straight to there and go, we'll see you in seven days. But we'll only communicate because he's got everything yeah but everyone that listens to this will tell him i don't want to if here's where we're going to podcast from oh no you just hit uh enter it'll come right up shane gillis is just like if you need anything hide in the bathroom give me there's a bell call and then go in the bathroom and then I'll come right in. Yeah, he has no idea that he's just pulled a rabbit. Fuck it. I'm just going to go to Bisbee.

He said, yeah, I talked to Rich Voss. He goes, no, I'm on my way to Stanhope's in Bisbee, Arizona. He goes, what the fuck are you doing? I go, well, according to my neighbor who's telling me news i that i don't want to hear we talked about this yesterday yeah the fucking neighbors and i can't yell at a neighbor i don't haven't really met saying don't tell me anything i didn't think about that like over the fence like wilson you guys already gotta hide better you guys already did it's all it is you guys there, there's really no coronavirus in this county. And you guys just told me, yeah, there's 15 cases.

Wait, who told you? The fucking Joby and Chad were talking. Again, you guys, you know better than that. That's not news. I guess it is. How many podcasts? There's someone who's been in the dark for 11 days. Is it 11?

We're on day 11. Day 11. Yeah. And we've done a podcast every day and how much have i remembered from the night before you don't remember from 15 minutes exactly so yeah i'm not worried about it yeah todd glass written down twice doesn't didn't answer his goddamn phone. He called me at fucking midnight. Put a star by it so he remembers. I figured out that the note I found that says Johnny Depp is texting you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's about bingo. Because, yep, Johnny Depp responds to her texts and not mine. So, like, just pipe down with your, I'm going crazy here. Yeah, you're talking to Johnny Depp responds to her texts and not mine. So I like just pipe down with your, I'm going crazy here. Yeah, you're talking to Johnny Depp. He won't even talk to me. I get Nickelback. Sort of.

I like Nickelback. I do too. Joby, do you follow wrestling? WWE? Not really. Chad? No. There was a question the other day about a wrestler who died in the ring, who jumped off from the rafters.

Yeah, I thought it was Mick Foley from Beyond the Mat. I was talking to Joby about that documentary. No, we talked about it on the podcast. Joshua Ewing messaged me through Patreon Owen Hart was the wrestler died in the ring

didn't he have the the mouth of the south was his manager who was the manager the real small like outrageous guy in WWF right back then I think that was his outrageous guy in WWF, right? Back then.

I think that was his manager. Did he wear a black cowboy hat? I never could get into wrestling. The biggest I got into wrestling when I was a kid they had a Saturday morning cartoon about wrestling and I would watch that. But I never

could watch wrestling. Even as a kid I thought it was fucking stupid. It's a pageantry. It is one of the biggest productions on the road at any given time. Listen, I'm not against the pageantry. My cousin and I would wake up early in the morning to watch Female Roller Derby

when we were kids all the time. It was great. Wow. I didn't think you're old enough to remember that. That was on PBS. That was the local access station. We'd have to wake up at like 5 in the morning. We were little kids. Was it from Australia?

I don't know. Why was it 5 in the morning? I don't know, but I know that there was a lot of chicks dressed scantily, and there was a lot of violence, and it wasn't something you would normally see on TV, and so we would wake up early to watch it. And it wasn't something you would normally see on TV. And so we would wake up early to watch it.

Wow. You want to see fucking chicks dress scantily and violence? Wait till you see me beat Julia for not fucking scrubbing these walls down quick enough. You film that? Well, if Chaley can ever get the fucking Skype to work. Wow. Pretty sure Doug doesn't even know what Skype is. He just hears kids talk about it.

Hey, Doug, Clay Foster wants to know, is there a state you haven't been to or haven't played in? No. Can you explain that? Well, no, you were with me when we knocked out. There was six states I hadn't played. I think four were New England. One was Delaware, which I still forget is a state.

Yeah, we knocked those out. Never been back. Actually, we've been back to Vermont and Connecticut. But I remember, yeah, we know as Brattleboro, Vermont was the last one. And I remember Brattleboro because they were still 18 years old for drinking age when everyone else went 21. So we just turned 18. Me and Keith Kingsbury would drive up to fucking Brattleboro. And it was the closest to Worcester. So we drive 45 minutes. I had this piece of shit Dodge Dart where the wheel alignment was so bad it would wear out the insides or the outsides of the tires.

So we'd steal tires. We'd drive to Brattleboro. Then we'd go into the car lot. And he taught me how you put a car up on blocks and steal their fucking tires. We'd bring them back home and have the guy at the end of the street put our new tires on. So, yeah, we went up there. It was either Delaware or Vermont was the last state. So, yeah, I've played them all now.

But that's a thing that comics like to do, check off all the states. Yeah, there's actually, of English speaking, even as a second language countries, South Africa is the only one I haven't played. And there's no demand. That's why we haven't played there. You went there, right? I went there. We talked about you just doing a set.

And maybe one person knew who I was vaguely, so they let us sit up in the VIP. But, yeah, I've played everywhere I can except for the ones that, yeah, Italy, we're thinking about it. We just get a lot of fucking. I guess there's a scene in Italy, but not for my shit. Not right now. We were talking about this yesterday, Chaley, where people who are doing Zoom things,

and we go, well, Hedberg could do that, because it's succinct jokes. Bamford can do it, because Bamford can do anything. Yeah, I can't go fucking riffing on just whatever. I assume my audience listens to the podcast and knows everything about my life from Twitter. I can't just go riffing on what happened with this and that. The thing that you brought up was doing it differently than I've seen anyone else doing online, which is they're broadcasting where a camera is in front of, like, the comic is in front of the camera and they're doing a set in front of no people but people are at home watching but you said immediately that would no way would say

that's the way to do it it was we would put it just as many people as you put six feet apart in here in the fun house so it'd be like four people but you'd be in front of people doing your set sure bingo bingo just texted and said, are you podcasting? So I think we should call her since you have that thing. It's not because if it goes through here, it defeats the speaker option on the phone.

Go ahead. Just hold the phone up to the mic. Yeah. I need some coaching. Hi. Hi, you're on the podcast. Well, I told you we're podcasting, and then you texted me during the podcast so i called you you said not speakerphone you said put the phone in my ear okay all right now you're on speakerphone

this is unorganized come on now i told everyone how buff you're getting with your fucking 18 workouts a day 16 come on now fucking 18 workouts a day. 16. Come on now. Just tell them on the ads that's the most impressive part. You want to give us some drops?

Because now you do okay, bye-bye now and put coronavirus in it. Let's get back to my abs. Come on now. Yeah, you're a very Herculean. All right, why were you bothering me during a podcast? Well, because I'm on the toilet, and it's their special time. Come on now, I'm taking a dump dog and I've already called you.

Anyway, I'll get back to business. Okay, call the neighbors. Okay, okay. One, two, three, five. Bye-bye now. I wish Todd Glass would call me like that. On the toilet? That's what I was thinking.

Shit. Please tweet at Todd Glass saying you really have to get with that guy. on me like that. On the toilet? That's what I was thinking. Please tweet at Todd Glass saying you really have to get with that guy. He's still talking about you. Thought we were going to be friends. He's ghosting you. Oh, that's what I was going to say earlier. When she was

reanimating the bar, there's like three things of bitters back there. All open. But I remember we used to have drinks we liked with bitters. My favorite is

bitters and soda. Right before my band was supposed to go on because I'm queasy from the night before at Coots. So I'd drink two big pint glasses of bitters and soda and then get shit-faced that entire night. Without learning a lesson. Bitters and soda?

It's delicious. It's delicious. Oh, I still have egg whites. God damn it. You're making that last. Focus, Dan. Whiskey, what? Oh yeah, there is a whiskey drink that has a dash of bitters. Are you thinking of a Manhattan?

I think it's a Manhattan, yeah. Manhattan is one. That's one, and there's a second one. Do you have an answer? I don't remember if Manhattan has bitters. I believe it does. It's one of those uh chop house kind of

bar drinks yeah fancy leather not old fashioned it's not old fashioned no uh

questions or is that it I got another question uh uh ghost gerbil on patreon is uh

he can think of four of the voices that you do the comedy character voices the fat idiot voice the decrepit elderly voice the camp offended voice and the high-pitched generic woman voice are there any others that you have and which one is your favorite wow yeah i'd have to i'm just trying to think of any fat camp. What? A campy, I think, is what he meant. Not fat camp. What?

It made me think of. No, it didn't say fat. It said the camp offended. It made me think of bingo butter cheeks. Yeah. I can't remember how it goes. Yeah, that's not on the list. This goes back to Tom Segura,

because Tom Segura has weird fucking voices for hypothetical people, where a lot of comics just do the, I'm just a girl. He does weird ones that I cannot recreate, so you have to watch his dumb special. It's not a dumb special. Ball hug.

All right, I'm going to read this thing, Chaley. I'm not going to read it special it's not a dumb special hug all right i'm gonna read this thing chaley i'm not gonna read it because it's wicked long i'm not gonna use your last name amy from mount pleasant michigan but yeah she uh long very long story short she lived in hawaii now she going to get laid for the first time after she moved back to Michigan after having a schizophrenic homeless Hawaiian man's abortion

and been celibate for a while and she doesn't know if she should tell him that she used to be a hooker for a year on Backpage and Craigslist. That wasn't on her Trundle app when she hooked up with this guy?

She says he's a weed delivery service manager, so fuck him, basically. He's no saint either, kind of thing, yeah. He's no Ward Cleaver, is her own quote. So is there a way to tell him, or should I not? Don't tell him. Don't tell him, yeah. Or, the funny way would be

get into the foreplay enough that he's gonna fuck your wall if you don't fuck him yeah and then go yeah i was a whore i fucked like 500 guys on craigslist but if you still want to do this oh okay yeah whatever whatever i don't care i don't care it was a lewis johnson lewis johnson was a great uh uh denver comic probably still is and uh he had a bit about that where yeah if you're fucking like you're gonna finish i'm gonna do this a disservice because this is from 1991 when it was me. I first time I met Mitch Hedberg, we were all three working together and we were goofing on Lewis Johnson,

but it was to the effect of if she fell out of bed and cut her fucking head open. Wow. That looks bad. We're going to have to take you to the emergency room as soon as i'm done that was yeah that was my thought yeah you could do it the funny way or you could uh yeah never tell the truth if you're not gonna tell the truth never tell the truth you can't go 15 years and then blurt it out during an argument. You need to make that decision. It's a pretty heavy weight to carry if you end up in a long, long-term relationship. Well, if it matters, then it should have mattered early on at the end.

Also, I think as adults, you have to fucking agree quietly that each of you has probably done some shit in the past that the other one doesn't really care to know about. And we don't talk about it. I don't to know about and we don't talk about it. I don't want you to... I might be curious about what cards you laid on the table, but that would mean I would have to lay my cards on the table. We're both bluffing, goddammit. That's right.

Let's just fucking call it even. Yeah. So those emails came from Patreon and from the, from, no, the messages on Patreon.

It's patreon.com slash standup podcast. You can get in as little as a dollar a month. Cheap. For all this content. Are you kidding me? Yeah. There's no top tier like Mishka Shibali of $30. Sorry. Joby just said, yeah, Mishka has a Patreon top tier higher than yours.

I bleeped that out, by the way. I'm marking that to bleep that out. You want to give his Patreon? Why? I like shitting on him. You want to give his Patreon? No, it's fun to shit on Mishka. Just fucking around. I don't edit, Doug. I stopped editing. Do Patreon? No, it's fun to shit on Mischka. Just fucking around.

I don't edit, Doug. I stopped editing. Do you want to tease who's our guest tomorrow? No. All right. You have a plan for this podcast. But yeah, we have a good guest tomorrow, so tune in. What?

I almost told you before the podcast, listen, don't say anything just in case nothing works out. What's he going to talk about? He's got plenty to go. I'll have someone. If our main guest doesn't show up for tomorrow, then yeah, we'll figure something out. I mean, I will. Ladies and gentlemen,

Chad and Joby are back. Look at there. Well, something. You said something. Ladies and gentlemen, Chad and Joby are back. Hey! Look at there! Hey now! Well, something. You said something. Yeah, I agree. I got to make sure I got your number. No, he's got to pick up his daughter from the pokey.

Shoot at her. Get her jumpy. Just show up with guns. Hey, we're here to pick you up up has she said she wanted to do anything in particular after getting into the vehicle and speeding away in the cop car well she kind of

she kind of tried to like wanted to go you know I want to eat this Bojangles you never ate Bojangles yeah I've been housed with some colored women I totally this is this is a different world you're coming out into Bojangles. You never ate Bojangles. Yeah, I've been housed with some colored women. I told you, this is a different world you're coming out into.

I said, I'm going to pick you up. We're going to go back to the hotel, and you're going to eat the hotel breakfast. And it's going to have more stuff than you've had. Oh, you've got to wiener off the horrible prison food. Listen, you didn't have bacon for a whole year. There's muffins and coffee. You didn't have any of that shit for a whole year. That's perfect.

You don't need to jump right into fudruckers there's always golden corral the opposite of uh prison food right oh that's right you can't do golden crown that's out well also service also also i have to go it's right in the middle of maricopa county which is the uh hottest spot for uh i don't want to be real news but it's a bad area to try to go into i heard about that 11 days ago so i heard it 12 days ago yeah we're always going to be the second lightest spot. The one that had zero

cases before news quarantine. Like, well, there's nothing there. There's human beings in that county. You'd also have to test to be able to get a number. Kind of nice to be here. Alright. Well, that's, I guess, a podcast. Are you shaking your head? Kind of nice to be. All right.

Well, that's, I guess, a podcast. Are you shaking your head? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, how about this? Closest to bull picks a spot on his head. I love it. All right. Here we go.

A day yesterday, two days ago, and she said, oh, I'm really hungover from last night. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to demean you for your youth, but you're a fucking 22-year-old and there's no bars. And I'm like, how are you hung

over? Like, what were you doing? Well, she had some heartbreak in her life, so she drank a bunch of gin and tonics. And then I said, so you want some hair of the dog? And she goes, what? What? What dog?

Which dog? I go, no, hair of the dog that bit me. She'd never heard the expression before. Chad wins. I won with a shitty shot. That's horrible. Do you want to do it? No, I don you want to do it? no I don't want to do it but here's the thing is that I haven't been here for any

of the other ones so yeah okay that's what I was going to say you probably have maybe a theme maybe well no I'm just going to leave this tuft right here eventually like Kewpie doll turn around real quick so we mentioned before.

Oh, God. I like horizontal because it looks crazier. But the long hair over the top also hangs over it. It's harder to see. I kind of like the fact that you look at him from the front and it's not that noticeable. So I think we should stay with that theme. I mean, it's horrible from the front, but and then when you see him from the back, I said

earlier, I want to draw some stitches in there to explain like, oh, somebody beat the shit out of him. That's what happened. So I want to go for somewhere on the back and horizontal. I agree. So just like turn around. There you go.

Go big. Oh. So just like turn around. There you go. Oh, wow. Tracy. That actually cleaned it up a little bit. You look fine. That looks fine. Like less of the, I don't know. It's like got a medic helmet. You look fine, Doug. That looks fine. You look like less of a...

I don't know. It's like got a medic helmet on you from the war. Sure. This is the best haircut. This is hands down the best haircut I've ever watched happen. It's also the only barbershop open in Arizona.

Good, right? Yeah, I like that. We're not going to try to do a swastika. A little Brian Bosworthy there on the side. Yeah. Get him a pair of Oakley blades. Bosworth? How many

eggs did you buy? It said six dozen. No, no, that was for a video. Yeah, did you I did I took her a dozen eggs yeah no oh jeez I gotta get what alright so yeah we gotta get

her more eggs tomorrow she goes through ten a day what I put six dozen on her thing but then I must have said something and we reconnoitered but you don't remember too so what you didn't remember too, so. You didn't tell me to not buy six dozen. You told me to buy a dozen eggs because you didn't know. Well, you were going there anyway.

I hadn't heard from her because she's 22. So she sleeps till fucking six o'clock. Yeah, so I bought a dozen eggs and took them over to Bingo. What didn't I listen? No, I told her to buy six dozen. I told you to buy a dozen in case she didn't wake up before Bingo needed eggs today, thinking she's buying six dozen, of which I'm going to get a dozen. So now I'm going to give 18 eggs that she bought me today to Bingo. Tomorrow I'm going to need eggs again.

And the part where I didn't listen was what? I'm blaming her. Oh, because you looked at me and said that you didn't listen. So I'm sorry with the confusion. All I heard in the story was about the eggs. We just got to find a friend with chickens, it sounds like, with this sort of egg consumption going on. Has anyone talked to fucking Reverend Derrick?

Reverend Derrick lives on Blacknod now, and I see his van there. Haven't heard from him. Not in a couple, three weeks. Oh, I haven't heard from him in months and months. Since he was moving in there. Well, since before you went on tour. Do you have a shovel? I need a shovel.

Oh, really? And that was it. Oh, geez. That's why we haven't heard from him. He's burying a body. Yep. And I haven't heard from Bree either. So that's more corroborating

a lot of questions let's move on everyone let's move on hey thank you guys for listening tomorrow i'll have a brand new podcast that's as good as this one without all the friends that made this one good. At HDFatty at Stanhope DSCDP at Greg Chaley Wait, you're on but yeah, you don't want any part of my fucking fans. Probably not, no.

She actually read me a couple of bad things. What? How much do you get paid to be done as a bitch? No. She actually read me a couple of bad things. How much do you get paid? That's not bad. I get those twice a week. I get those. It's just a copy and paste.

I'm going to be the same dude. However your day is going, you're not nearly as suicidal as half this cast at any given moment, so tough it out. Life's good when you have well,

I guess you probably don't have a beautiful whiskey sour with fucking bourbon soaked cherries and luxardos. Have I, have I, oh, I, I, I know I've mentioned Betsy who sent us the, the homemade masks. But when I keep saying tweet at Bingo Bingaman, uphill Kim and occasionally Dave walk past her house

and on purpose blow a fucking bugle and tell her it's a parade and shit. Yeah, we got good fucking neighbors. We just can't see them. So, yeah, all the locals that listen, I appreciate you too. I miss you. We do have enough space to throw a COVID friendly party

with the deck and the fucking in front of the rape trailer and the new grass in front of the guest house and the patio. Yeah, we could have a fucking party here. Who's going to go to Safeway? You.

All right. Thanks for listening. Yes, please email us where, Chaley? Email stanhopepodcast at gmail.com. I'll be back with you in May. I mean, I'll be with you on the podcast, but'll be back with you in May. I mean, I'll be with you on the podcast, but I'll hear your voices in May. All right. Take us out.

Bingo. Okay. Bye. Bye now. Thank you. guitar solo you