The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EP.#378: Day 14 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

Day 14. Chaille was too drunk to remember what this podcast was about or to edit it on time. One Job.Recorded April 16th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Shane Gillis (@ShaneMGillis), Ms. Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Check out Shane Gillis at - Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/matt-and-shanes-secret-podcast/id1177068388Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Have we ever done that before, Chaley? Where we're just talking when it's said, oh, because we've got to play the theme? Yeah.

We should have Henry Phillips write us a theme song for the podcast my first tv gig henry phillips wrote my this theme for my segment maybe we should have him do that well uh doug if you did listen to your own podcast which i don't expect you to uh scotty conant uh actually did the stanhope rag which plays at the end and is pretty much associated with the Doug Stano podcast, but he's not Henry Phillips. He's not my first thing. And when you say, I don't listen to my podcast, I do my podcast.

And when I say I have forget what I said, maybe do you ever think I'm being diplomatic in that? I've listened to my podcast and I hate it. And I want to keep you afloat. You ever think that this is all for you? Ugh. I never think. God, these ingrates.

That is a question that comes up, by the way. You were telling me while we were drinking. If I moved in and just divided the group immediately. But no, you told me over pizza that you hate your own fucking partner on your podcast and you have Craigslist ads trying to replace him and everyone's more qualified. No one can replace Matt McCosker.

That's what they say when they listen to your podcast. That's their diplomatic way of saying, I don't want to be part of yours no matter how much you pay. Is this why we did this? This is how we start. This is exactly how I thought it would go.

This is exactly what we're doing. It gets mean at night? Yep. First podcast we were kind of. Wait, at night? Or do you mean the next day? When's the meanest? I had a lady recently tell me that I get mean when I get drunk.

And then I said, you know what? Maybe you should stop being an asshole to me when I'm drinking because that's not the good time and you already knew it. Sober lady. Yeah, if you've been here twice, there's really no excuse if you have a complaint. The drinks

are free and someone pours them. Anything else, there's no fucking comment box. Go fucking somewhere else. Chaley's on his third podcast of the day. That's like three drunks in a day. That's tough. He's wound and vibrant, let's say.

Vibrant. I'm reeling from the James Inman podcast two days ago. Yeah, we have to go over this. I was going to force Shane to sit through it. I want to listen to it. It's fucking amazing. But I thought, yeah, we'd talk about it later. But we're doing – this is the next day podcast.

We're just doing it a little bit early. It's almost after midnight on some time zones. So, yeah, this is that day. Whatever day. You didn't change the clapboard. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. So this is – Continuity, brother is that day. Whatever day. You didn't change the clapboard. I did. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. So this is... Continuity, brother. I got an intern. And we

have a maid. I love that Tracy's taking pictures. I've been trying to get her to do it for six years. Let's do the fucking hair right now. Just Tracy, just take a chunk out. I'm just going to get a picture of it. It's going to look good. Are you tweeting

those pictures? You should be. Brian will retweet them. I know that... Shane says he wants to get a haircut as well. I do need a fucking haircut badly. Tracy, we have a deal that when my hair gets too long in the back that it looks like a character from King of the Hill.

I just go, just grab it and cut. I don't fucking care. Is your hair color changing? Because it looked green today for the first time. Well, I had to change it up between podcasts. Do you really? I feel bad I'm not suiting up. I'm not suiting up for these.

Now that we're on video, I should be branding with the suits. And I was going to do that today, but I showered, and then I was a little chilly, and I go, I want long johns and pajama pants. I was going to say, and sweat clothes. I have a sweatshirt, but Shane showed up in a matching fucking Vinnie Goomba tracksuit. That's a nice tracksuit.

And I didn't notice the fucking shoes matched. I did not notice the shoes, but I did notice the trim pretty sharp. Thank you. When you drive across country through all the podunk states,

you're at a flying J no one's gonna fucking think you're a weirdo no one's gonna think New York City even though you're wearing kind of a fucking mafia fucking stupid tracksuit yeah I did just take a chunk out of my head

you're interrupting a conversation I was waiting for it just do it quick she's not rude by waiting no it. Just do it quick. Just get it out of the way. She's not rude by waiting. No, it's you fucking saying, oh, we have to edit this in later. And it's always me worried about the editing.

This is normal. We fight. This is it? Yeah, this is it. Couple drinks get in here. That's why... Go across his temple. Go across from his temple.

Oh, I will. I'm going to leave. That's not his temple. Go across from his temple. Oh, I will. I'm going to leave. That's not his temple. Just a shish. I stand corrected. Good job. That's the long way. You look like one of the extras on Oh Brother Where Art Thou.

Take the long way home. If I do kill you guys with COVID, nobody's going to fix your hair. This is going to be the hair you die with. I shave it all the time. This is going to be the autopsy haircut. If I die quickly, yeah. That's the way I'm going to die. Wait until you hear my breathing

when we're wrapped up in the morning. Honey. Those shallow breaths you take, I'm worried about you. I coughed earlier. I'll just curl up deeper into you. I was going to say, what did you mean by wrapped up in the morning? Yeah.

That was kind of the joke that... That's how you throw it out there, Trace, in the biz. You sneak in that guest house. All right. Sorry that door don't shut all the way. That's why I have stairs and a ramp to the main house. Depending on how drunk you are, when you try to get into my bed.

Try dragging a body up steps. Ugh, never again. That completely went counterintuitive to the scenario I had played out in my mind. He was thinking of making sweet love. In my imagination, Chaley, he was drunk and needed a ramp to get into the main house

to come to me. Why did you make me look up a recipe for chloroform then? You guys need to understand that you should be afraid of getting raped by me. Yeah. Terrified. I'm going to get one of you.

I know role play. Ooh. Oh, Shane. I'm going to get somebody. I think this is going too far. I'm going to get Henry the dog. Are you going to put a roll of socks in my mouth? They're in the second drawer.

I know it's your first night. Socks are in the second drawer. Not the tube. Get the dress socks. I know it's your first night. Socks are in the second drawer. Not the tube. Get the dress socks. It's softer. Yes. I need the socks to match my pants, kind of like your shoes in your tracksuit. It's a nice tracksuit.

I'm excited about this tracksuit. Does the tracksuit have a zipper, like underwear? Because I want your tracksuit to be fully on when you rape me. I want your dick to come through the tracksuit. You're not going to pull it down because I want to see the matching trim touch each other. There's nothing left to the imagination in that description. Oh wait, there's

more. Alright. Here we go. There's a shot for shot script by the bed. Yeah. There's a shot for shot Script by the bed The tears everybody Yeah We had a wonderful first night here At the Funhouse Playhouse compound

It was great We did try to visit Olivia Grace She did not answer her open door When we shouted from the street No doorknob licking Drove past Bingo sitting on the wall of the quiet house In her gas mask Waiting to do a photo shoot. It was the first time I ever met her.

Yeah, with a gas mask on. Interesting first sighting of her. You call that meeting? She was like, new people. I was like, hey, how are you? Time fly again. I'll have something different on. She has a World War II gas or World War I maybe gas mask on with the long tube.

The corrugated tube. And she's screaming because we got out and took pictures of her. And she's like, I'm smiling. I'm smiling. I'm smiling. And then she says to Shane Gillis, I love it. New people. New people.

New people. Wrong hole. Wrong hole. She's in a gas mask sitting on a wall. She's in a different outfit every day. It's nice to meet you. Every day. Every fucking couple hours she changes her outfit, goes and sits on her wall,

and waits for neighbors to walk their dogs by so she can wave at somebody and talk to anyone. Oh, have we mentioned Uphill Kim, for one, has been going by every day and doing something stupid just for Bingo? Because Bingo's going fucking insane in there, and she's insane already. And so Uphill Kim will walk by. One time she was playing a bugle. Today she was coming by lifting weights

because she knows Bingo is working out there. So she comes by and makes a production. Yeah, bingo looks fucking jacked, though. I noticed that. Yeah. Don't get on the other side of that fence. Yeah. Oh, you know how scary that would be?

Some lady, a jacked lady in a gas mask. And a top hat. And you understand German? Yeah. Oh, she was, I mean, she was scary. This is porn I'm into. She was friendly and she was scary. Sitting on a wall like, I love new people.

It's like, oh. It's a cookbook. Soylent Green is people. Imagine breaking in there. Can we get cigarettes over here? I'm sorry. I would have sent our intern nanny. Today I told her she was an intern because Julia was going to

wait for Shane to get here. I think me and the intern are in love. No. We'll see. She was talking about some older dude she's into that's 27. Ah, I'm 32.

Well, that didn't work out, though. Good. That older dude. He was too young. He was too old. He was immature. Yeah, and he was not even a little bit famous, and you are. I'm verified on Instagram.

Wait until she finds that out. Oh, there you go. No, she looked you up. She looked you up. She's like, yeah, I read the stories. I haven't seen his stand-up, but I read the stories because I heard you say it about SNL. And so – You heard about this failure?

And that fame might get you a little bit of credit. We'll see. It does. It does, actually, which is funny. I mean, with her. Yeah, we'll see. Well, it's not like she's going to look it up any further. She's already done.

True. She has talked a couple times about when she eventually has kids. Scary, a little scary. But she doesn't say, I definitely want them. She goes, yeah, but it seems like it's a pain in the ass. It's a quarantine, though, so it's kind of, this is kind of any port in a storm type territory. So we both, you know.

Any hole in a haymaker. I think that it's like it's in the trenches. It's a bomb shelter kind of relationship, right? Like we're a desert island shit. Yeah, it would actually be embarrassing. Never mind. Never mind. This is all

a mistake. What, are you going to get fired from the fun house? What are you, gun-shy, kid? What are you, gun-shy? You got one loss on your record. Everything else is spotless and now you can't take a punch. She doesn't listen to the podcast. Alright, if she doesn't, it would be embarrassing. Actually, she has.

Yeah, that's what I mean. This is actually me getting cancelled here. The only thing I can do is make someone uncomfortable. Yeah, she hasn't listened to yesterday's or the day before. Whenever I fucking shit in the toilet that she was about to clean

and not knowing she was coming in to clean it. What a disaster. You diarrhea. Yeah. And I know I double flushed. And she walked in and I go, oh, she's coming in right away to do that. And she goes, okay, who didn't flush? In a house with one person living in it.

Oh, that's terrible. And he claims he double flushed. Did you tell her? Like, don't clean? Don't claims it's a double-flag. Did you tell her? Like, don't clean? Don't clean the toilet? I didn't know that. She just said, I just took a shit. She just walked right in and said,

Come on, Doug. You've done this to me on tour plenty of times. Yeah, but this is your titillation. That's a child, for God's sakes, that's happy to clean. It's not a child. She loves cleaning she's over 18

Shane's trying to establish we all understand she's over 18 he's gonna need an ashtray too thank you yeah yeah she's a sweetheart and she fucking loves cleaning

the funhouse is cleaner than it's ever been, Shane, by the way. Since it was built, it hasn't been this clean. This is awesome. She washed all the nicotine off the walls. And she squeezed it back into a glass for Doug. I put this in my fucking smoothies. I said, I'm going to use those fucking paper towels as nicotine patches. I'm going to wipe with them

to get it directly into my carotid artery. No, this is everything I wanted it to be. I'm very happy about this and I appreciate it. Yeah. I was afraid.

Well, I was on my way down. I listened to the last episode. I was like, I got to see what the fuck I'm getting into. And then I heard people like Chaley being like, do we really want this guy coming in here? I'm driving. I'm like, I'm in Oklahoma, motherfucker. Like, don't fucking make me feel guilty now. I was talking to Doug.

I wasn't talking to you. I know. I understand. Doug was like, I don't know. I didn't think he was going to do it. Yeah, these are private conversations. I wasn't talking to you. I know. I understand. Doug was like, I don't know. I didn't think he was going to do it. Yeah, these are private conversations. How dare you listen to him? He didn't listen to me.

What level Patreon are you? He's a dollar. He gets brutal truth. We should fuck with him. And I'm driving. Like, don't fuck with me. He did call Doug to say that. He's like, I was quarantined here, and I was quarantined here.

But he already told me that. Tell Sheila. Well, I didn't want any... No, and you're right to feel that way. It is stupid. Like, from the outside world. I did check your temperature when you got here. True.

I was actually excited about that. When you told me that Rich Voss called you halfway through your trip here, and you said... This is Shane telling me. He's like, yeah, Rich Voss called you halfway through your trip here. And this is Shane telling me. He's like, yeah, Rich Voss called me. And I told him, yeah, I'm going to Stanhope's place in Bisbee. And I thought Rich Voss would respond in this story with, oh, that's so fucking cool. Kind of.

Rich Voss said, what the fuck are you doing? No, pretty much everybody. All right, so Bobby Kelly was excited about it. Voss, who, by the way, the reason I told Voss said, what the fuck are you doing? No, pretty much everybody. All right, so Bobby Kelly was excited about it. Voss, who, by the way, the reason I told Voss and was excited to tell Voss is if you ask Voss, not that, you know, it sucks to do any type of listing at all, and I don't want to make this gay, but if you're like, Voss, top five, Stan Hope, he names you. Oh. Voss.

Yeah, but every time. But he didn't say which rank. I feel like I'm fifth. But no. No, Rich Voss is one of those guys. There's a couple circles of comedy at my age. And then there's the New York guys, the fucking tough crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The alum. And then there's the alt guys, which is Patton and Sarah. Rich Voss is a guy I believe actually likes me, which is really dependent on how much I like a person is how much I believe they like me.

He likes you a lot. And it changes by the minute. But like Norton, I think Norton and i are really good alt people it's all people are like they're they're they're like more like cats like uh this is this is such a perfect like 80s premise of when alt started because too many fucking evening at the Improv comics did, the difference between LA and New York and cats and dogs,

now it's us road comics. They hated road comics that would do fucking hack premises like that. Now you're a hack premise. Yeah, now believe it or not, alt comics are typically pretty hack now. It's all like meta. It's all like stand-up is stupid. So I'm not even going to... I don't fucking know.

Meta means you're doing stand-up and making fun of doing stand-up while you're doing it. It sucks. It's like they said in the Lenny Bruce obscenity trials. What is obscenity? And the judge says, I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it.

I know meta when I see it, but I can't tell you what it means. Yeah. And it's, I don't know. And they all got very, very political. I don't know if they always were because I wasn't that old. We were just talking about this recently where the stages of a stand-up comic, from a male point of view, it's strippers, porn,

or with a female, dating, whatever. Or even porn now. Yeah, my vibrator during the quarantine. It's literally every single fucking female comic. SNL did it. SNL had a sketch where every chick was like my vibrator is broken because I'm inside so long and they all said the same thing

it's like is that imagine if this was dudes SNL is back on they did a remote episode and it was good listen that is not so bad at like not news why was it good

no that's not news. Why was it good? No, that's not news because the only time SNL is on my radar is when I hate it. There's some comedy websites. I have to find a comedy website that doesn't fucking keep talking about who's on SNL this week. Really? Why is that? I heard that. That's never been a fucking... I heard that. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I didn Why is... I heard that. That's never been a fucking... I heard that.

I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I didn't know anyone gave a fuck. Only interesting news that came out of SNL. For me, SNL is like when you want to buy a mattress, and then you start seeing mattresses everywhere, like commercials. Yep. That's how I am with SNL.

I never gave a fuck about SNL. Really. Not since I was a kid. Now I can't stop fucking seeing it everywhere. All right. Just one sentence for a listener who doesn't know. Shane Gillis made news six months ago for being the – he was hired by SNL and two days later fired when they found some old podcast

where he made some fucking chinese stereotypical voice sound yeah and that's you can google it from there but i will say this in their defense the people who fired me that was the least offensive thing they could have got me on i was like they get my agent called me he was like did you make fun of Chinese people? I was like, yeah, for sure. Did they get me on the blacks? No? All right, we're good. Who cares?

I'll take it. I went through, last year I went through everything I ever put out as a, whatever, a CD or a DVD or a special or whatever everything that's commercially available i listen to because i was trying to write new shit for this and you get to an age where you go today i was thinking of a bit that i almost went back in to write down and went oh that's the exact same bit as this like uh so yeah but i went through stuff and yeah i said some shit where now yeah i get why netflix is not going to put this special out on their streaming service and luckily like we briefly talked about it while we were having our frozen pizza which was very nice. It was undercooked, but hopefully she doesn't listen to the podcast.

It was undercooked. Yeah. I told her to overcook it. Frozen pizza. But she did well. She did her best. Don't you talk about my wife like that? Don't you talk about the love of my life like that?

What was her name? Maid? Is that what I should call her? Mother of my children. she she's in on the joke when so the listeners know when we we had a when she just started this week a week ago and also like i said i was listening on the way here so when you guys were saying made i was like this has got to be a nasty lady, a nightmare of a woman. And then I pulled up and I was like, that's Maid?

I love Maid. I'm in love with Maid. That's the joke. Yeah, it was funny. All right, how do you go from the hottest bartender in town coming off a modeling job in Dublin to maid coronavirus. She's out of work. And it really

is not difficult to be a maid in Dublin. Love the fans, but I am. Model in Dublin? I was going to say maid. Did I say maid? Model in Dublin was the joke.

Tracy scrubbed toilets in Dublin was the joke. I have a maid in Dublin. Tracy scrubbed toilets in Dublin. Yeah, and now you've moved it up to the big time where you're scrubbing toilets in Arizona. In the desert. Actually, you're overseeing a maid scrubbing Arizona toilets. You're a manager now. That's pretty good. Madam.

A madam. Yeah. To. That's pretty good. Madam. A madam. Yeah. Toilet scrubbing madam. See, Mackenzie, I can write songs for Bird Cloud. Mama Son? Is that what it's called? Mama Son? Mama Son.

The head Japanese lady? That's not Irish, though. No, I know, but I was just... I don't know his history. But yeah, I'm a mama song. Yes. Really? I think so.

Rich Voss. I think that's where we were. The man. Oh, you were talking about the difference between Alt and... What... Now, watching through the very limited media on it, like all the fucking big J's crowd, the fucking skank fest,

they're labeled as alt-right because they're not. I went through this. Yeah. That's where I was. We're talking about comics who go through their stages and then they become, they go through their atheist stage and then go through their atheist stage and then go through

their political stage and their conspiracy theory i'm in the conspiracy part this week just started watch one youtube documentary on pizzagate i'm all in dude i'm all in dude it's a satanic cabal wait wait he watched this while while it's going 80 miles an hour just like those sons of bitches fucking clinton's oh shit yeah it's uh yeah it's embarrassing i can watch one youtube video and i'm just like well i fucking i believe that now and then i watch one debunking it and i believe that i'm an idiot why would i ever believe that these fucking morons yeah i did that with fucking joe rogan when i met him in the late 90s. He talked me into the fake moon landing thing.

Really? Yeah, a four-hour on VHS. That one's not bad. No, stop. I believe that it's real, obviously. Wait, what's real? The fake thing is real? No, the moon landing.

But I'm saying it's not out of this... It's not the worst conspiracy. He almost said the moon thing wasn't out of this world. It is... You can see why an idiot would believe it. That's all I'm saying. It's not like flat Earth. It's not like flat Earth or like...

Oh, those idiots. Or Christianity or something like that you know hell yeah you're in the atheist stage oh i'm done with it i don't i'm not yeah yeah i'm at that carlin i know i'm gonna die and i don't care i'm just gonna keep bilking the paychecks talking shit yeah uh yeah i don't know the i feel like I'm giving you a spoiler alert on being alive as a comedian yeah I hear you you are that's why I came here

people were like yo this is like Luke going to Dagobah dude you're gonna sit down with Yoda and just learn I was like I hope man but I gotta feel we're just gonna get fucked up and not remember a thing that's exactly what I said saving for the podcast on this podcast. Oh, yes.

Maybe I can listen on the way back and be like, oh, that's what I said. When Chaley said something about we're just going to get fucked up tomorrow, I said, oh, this second podcast, if we do it late tonight, it can be tomorrow's podcast, and that will give you a day. You don't have to fucking get drunk on another podcast. Meaning me. Yeah, and Chaley says, yeah, well, then we're just going to get fucked you a day. You don't have to fucking get drunk on another podcast. Meaning me. Yeah. And Kaylee says, yeah,

well then we're just going to get fucked up every day. And I go, that was my big concern is you're going to come here and I'm, we're going to go on this fucking Epic bender. And that's why I gave myself a deadline for the final draft for Monday. So yeah, I'll fucking, I'll hold off as long as you guys sleep late.

We're going to be good. That's what I like about you. You keep saying like, Oh, we'll put off as long as you guys do. You sleep late. We're going to be good. That's what I like about, you keep saying like, we'll put one in the can for tomorrow. I look forward to it every day because it makes me stop drinking when we're done at the podcast so I can edit and then have to fucking do other things in the morning. Like I have a life somewhere downstairs. Let me fill Shane in.

First of all, Chaley works all the time. He's awake. If he's watching a movie, it's while he's editing and then juggling. Oh, that's embarrassing that how right he is right there. He's doing that last night. Chaley,

that's not a bad quality. Well, yeah, I don't think he's, I don't think he's ripping me. No, I'm saying it's a good, it's better than mine, which is literally never.

Did you flinch at all when Chaley said that? Because when Chaley says, well, then I have to stop drinking to work. Once I start, we're going. I don't stop drinking. I go to bed. At four in the morning last night, editing the James Inman podcast, I started drinking tea. But I was drinking until like four in the morning.

And then I didn't get done until seven. Good. It was a good night. I've come to the right place. I was laughing so fucking hard. You guys both need to hear that podcast. Yeah, we'll... I listened to the same part three times

and I walked out the door and I called Tracy. I go, I had to get up to get away from hearing what I've heard already three times because I'm laughing too hard. Okay, I'm going to leave it at this because I thought this morning when I woke up, oh, that James Inman podcast that we put out that I felt a little bit guilty for.

I always feel a little bit guilty. But I thought, fuck, it's already gone out. I wish we had an intro for that to kind of indemnify ourselves. Me too. And then when Chaley found out something else, I went, oh, now it really needs – at least we're going to have to readdress. Well, I already leaked it on Issues with Andy because I felt a little remorse. And Chad had actually listened to the entire thing because he was going there to get his daughter out of prison. I heard that. They said –

Jesus Christ. They said – I'm sorry to cut you off. I was driving down. This guy was like, well, I got to get my daughter out of prison. I was driving down like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like a gentleman, he goes down there and it's not his real daughter. We found out during the podcast.

He did a 23. But he still did a solid. But he – yeah, he's still – She's an adult now. They release at 4.30 and they release everyone at the same time, like men and women. So he went down there like a gentleman at 4 a.m., rented a hotel, got out, went at 4 a.m., and then still had to do a podcast later that day in which he told me, yeah, at 7.30 I finally called and they said, well, no, like maybe 4.30, but it's within the first 24 hours after 4.30.

Oh, God. So he listened to the whole podcast. And I go, how crazy was it that he couldn't get in camera view? He goes, wait, there's video? He listened to the whole thing. It's equally as good. Listening. That's when I told Bingo

watch this one. She doesn't know how. And I go, I'm not on the sign-up thing meeting Patreon. How does that work? I go, I don't know. I don't know doug yeah i don't know either i don't

know beats me now but uh yeah so uh the one thing that i did tip was that uh i i when i set reset everything for issues with annie this morning um i realized zinman wasn't wrong well that's what he wasn't right either You're going to hear it tomorrow But it is one of those things where like Oh you know what Had you not cut us off of Skype to begin with Then maybe this would have turned out differently

But he was kind of right And we'll give him a reprieve I am the first one to say Look Yes you're right. We should have gotten – we should have stopped down and absolutely rechecked all the connections. But it's just too inviting. I listened to four of my own podcasts that I can remember and Inman was definitely one or two of them.

I could listen to that one four times in a row and drive to wherever you came from, Shane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. It's fucking hilarious. But he's... We gave him so many tells. He always says,

you're fucking with me. Yeah. Oh, you should see the text. Let's get Alex O'Meara over here to read the text as James Inman. He sent a huge diatribe after the fact, but I don't know where he's sending me things. He sends things like a drug dealer getting rid of a phone, like use it once and throw it away. I'm like, now it's on Twitter?

Wait, we're doing this on Skype? Email? Wait, how do you have this number? Instagram written on your belly? What the fuck? My phone, I told you, but phone was blowing up with fucking just Twitter notifications of James Inman

because I follow him. I should have blocked him again just to wire him some more. I felt really bad at about when I stopped drinking that I should let him know. Hey, and I did text him. I go, hey, I rerouted everything and I think I figured out what's going on, but honestly, I did text him. I go, hey, I rerouted everything, and I think I figured out what's going on. But honestly, I didn't.

But, Shaylee, you and I were fucking – we went into this James Inman podcast because that's when he's at his best. Like we said, Windy City Heat. You were – Doug was peeing over the fence, and he goes, Shaylee, how do we do this? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, well... No, I said... It's afternoon, I'm hungover. You didn't know the angle.

I said, I don't know what we can fire him up about anymore because he always has something. And I go, it'll probably come naturally. And it did. The whole Skype thing being fucked up up and then chaley and i without words we're fucking tap dancing with our eyes going oh this is the fucking angle we got him we got fucking inman tap dancing you know the beauty of the of the video on patreon uh patreon.com slash dental podcast uh you like podcast. Like the communication.

Yeah. Because we'll do a split screen and you'll see me and you. And then all of a sudden I say something or you say something and the other person's eyes light up like. We didn't say anything. We walked into it. We don't know. Fugilism. It's the best.

It was two on one, which is unfair. But it was the sweet science. It was the sweet science. You felt it. Finally won. This is the deal, though, is that it all started with him ten minutes before we went on the air to where

we could do a test, him saying, I'm done with Skype. I fucking couldn't handle it, so I stopped it. So call me. So then all do a test, him saying, I'm done with Skype. I'm not, I fucking couldn't handle it. So I stopped it. So call me. So then all of a sudden, okay, game on. So then I said, let's get your phone locked into the board. Let's do all that.

So everything was geared towards the phone at that point. But he chose the match. He said, Nobody uses Skype. He said, pistols are gone, and we showed up. Why doesn't Kaylee know how to fix this? He's a beautiful, beautiful fucking crash landing.

And either of you would give him your own number for him to call either of you back. Who would? Then I'm going, well, just call me on my phone because it's my old phone number. I won't give him my new phone number. Then the Skype audio doesn't work. Just watch him

as fast. This is the thing. We were connected with audio and video. It's just we were using two different mediums to to do the podcast and he couldn't handle that and then that was the thing it's like well why don't we just do this this is not right it's like this is not right for an hour and 20 minutes i was thinking when i woke up and i felt guilty that like scary Perry, like windy city. Like I felt kind of guilty,

but, but James Inman also, he's like the proverbial in comedy worlds, the cliched bit about some people in wheelchairs are assholes. Yeah. You don't get fucking, he's a fucking asshole. He's come down here on a one-way ticket

and thought he was going to sell Valium out of his pocket to my party guest to get money back. And no one's going to buy it. He ran up hazard. So I have to fly him back. No one's buying your fucking fucking drugs. It's a lot like Perry. It's a lot like Perry.

Yeah, he's a wicked asshole. Where it's like you feel bad for him and then you listen to him talk. And then you're like, all right,, well this guy's a dickhead. Yeah, punch him! I don't know. What the fuck. The way they do it with Perry on Windy City He's, they just make him

blatantly homophobic the whole time. They'll record him and he'll be like, I'm not a fag, I don't like faggots. Now the audience is like, alright, do whatever you want to him. It's great. Yeah. But we, I mean, I've had conversations.

I know that I have to get angry. That's why your fans like me. So we can do it however you like. Like he's kind of got a hint of World Wrestling Federation knowledge that the hype, the buildup. Yeah. But then he turns right into self involved immediately

and he doesn't understand that why am I always the villain? I don't have to always be the villain. Fuck you, Jim McMahon. You have all this money and I don't have anything. He's a heel. And he doesn't want to be. He's a heel and a hero.

Like, we already staged this, James. Yeah, but I don't understand why. I'm not being the heel. Why can't I be the hero? You're incapable. Listen, we can stop talking. I don't know. I'm looking into your deep blue eyes,

and I know one of us is going to go first. So why don't you... You're in a chair that doesn't spin because it holds your girth. But you're going to have to turn it towards Chaley while I piss because I watch how much beer you're drinking. I know you have to piss too.

Why don't we just take a quick break? We can take a break. We could take a break, but why kill the momentum? You could have some one-on-one time with those fucking baby blues and maybe we both wheel them up that ramp at 2 a.m all right here we go onto a break all right here's a break jelly past hard i don't want to talk to this guy how are you guys you guys are maybe cats need a drink and that fuck how are you guys you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are

you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys are you guys 3, 8, 5, 8. If you like tacos, burritos, enchiladas, and Stan Hobbs,

especially, come there. You'll love it a lot. Hello, people. And don't forget, go fuck yourself. I have a cough. You worried about dry? Yeah, be sad. I have a cough. You're worried about dry corona burps?

Yeah. While you're drinking? That was a wet burp. No corona. That is a callback to what I've said, because I always cough like fucking Ratso Rizzo, Midnight Cowboy on the fucking bus to Florida on this podcast. Now it's a sign of health. Kind of like fat women

in the 1600s. Or something. One of those days. Dry cough, that's a mate. Wet cough, wet cough. No, a wet cough is not a mate. A dry cough is someone who's... Sick.

Yes. Back then. We're talking about coronavirus. Dry cough is the coronavirus. Got it. Please. Tag all my jokes. I'll edit this out.

Just say we're back. Say we're back. Edit you being wrong. No. Hey, let's go back and play Chaley's thing one more time. How's that for an edit instead of uh i repeat it i just make you repeat your stupid thing again don't edit it back because i thought of something funny about uh white women that were fat back then being like hot it's funny to think

like white dudes back in the day or wealthy had the same taste as black dudes today. Like Shakespeare back then was like, damn, that's a thick bitch. Like the 16th century. No, there were no black people back then. True, they were invented by the Clinton Foundation. Othello, totally. And they had a plague. And they had a plague back then.

True, but don't... Who did? During Shakespeare, that was when the plague was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never wrote about it. If there were black people back then, there'd have to be at least one or two at the Last Supper. You know, just quota. Well, technically, they were all more black than white.

That comes from a fucking trusted news source. Including Jesus. So, wait, that's a good conspiracy. That black people are new? That's such a funny one. Wait a minute. The government invented black people. To distract us from gays.

This is a serious thing that we talked about over undercooked frozen pizza. This is a serious thing that we talked about over undercooked frozen pizza was when Shane Gillis got fired from SNL. I just said it as a truthful joke. He said all I had left was my podcast. Unfortunately, I didn't lose that. And I said, but, you know, if you just said yeah i was serious i hate chinese people and i'm a racist your podcast numbers would have probably gone through the roof yeah based on that and i did not know that oh yeah you you actually had offers oh yeah for sure and they're still they're still coming in. But you have a podcast, too.

Plug that right now. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. We'll plug it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Milo's people were reaching out. Every single one. I mean, everybody was reaching out at the time.

Like racist people. Like real racist people. I'm not saying he's not. Okay, World Wrestling Federation. Yes. He's a World Wrestling Federation. I should have only done Alex Jones. That's exactly the only place I should have made any type of statement.

I should have stayed off Twitter. I should have gone on InfoWars and then gave it a semi-apology like I did. Can I have another beer? I need a shot after that. Why? InfoWars rules. What?

Are you kidding? You guys don't think he's funny as fuck? Oh, the Connie angle? Yes. We've known him for so long. Oh, yeah. You guys actually know him? Yeah.

He was a cable access guy in Austin. Yeah. That hilarious? A horrible. That played a fucking Morton Downey Jr. kind of character. And now I think he really believes his own bullshit. Yeah, probably.

Imagine if you invented wrestling, using that as this. It is wrestling, for sure. But then you didn't wrestle against anyone. Yeah, you were just like, oh, I am the Undertaker. Yeah, everyone's just like, oh, I am the Undertaker. Yeah. Everyone's afraid to wrestle me.

No, there are some wrestlers that are like that. I just watched one of those Vice Beyond the Ring things. Have you watched any of those? Beyond the Mat. Beyond the Mat. That just came back. They're so good. I just watched the New Jack one. New Jack was this black dude from ECW that stabbed a guy and tased a dude and threw him off.

He was committing crimes in the ring. He got arrested for stabbing a dude. Oh, shit. He stabbed a guy. But they were like, he thought he was real. Like, New Jack was who he- He believed his own hype. Yeah, that's Alex Jones.

Wait, that's on Netflix? That's Alex Jones. No, it's on Vice. Yeah, it's on Vice? That's Alex Jones. No, it's on Vice. Yeah, it's on Vice right now. It just came back, right? So why would Alex Jones be the one you would go on? No, oh, just because it'd be funny. Yeah.

It would be funny. That's different than the stanchion. Oh, no, I'm not, like, serious. All right, but you wouldn't be, like, doing Alex Jones would not commit you to a left right. Oh, okay. No, what I was saying is. They still think he's. No, there's definitely people like there's just like it's just political.

So the cancel culture is a political thing. So what does that mean? What does cancel culture mean? Cancel culture is like, I don't know. Look at fucking like I can show you pictures. Black pussy. Black pussy. Perfect. Okay pussy. Perfect.

Okay, got it. It's a perfect analogy for him because no one knows them, but if people will go out and protest a small venue... It becomes a thing. Cancel culture is like... And they can protest through social media. They don't have to actually put fucking boots on the ground

and show up in the cold with a picket sign. Nobody has ever... Just tweet at them. Nobody has ever once said a thing to me in person, ever. No. And I was, like, if you look at... It's funny, if you look at, like, CNN or all these, like, major news outlets,

they're putting up pictures of me, Michael Jackson, and R. Kelly. Oh, Jesus. Or, like, people... These are canceled people. I'll show you the pictures. It's fucking insane. You guys all have the same noses. Yes. That's really fucked up. Yeah. Now we both

all three have a taste. A particular taste. So CNN's onto us there. This is early. Wait, what the fuck is going on? Tracy's laughing. When Joe Francis got busted and i was watching the news where joe francis had girls gone wild and he just kept getting arrested because he's a

fucking awful person and probably does need to be on the ground and chill out wait do you know doug's history with joe francis no i don't. I did Girls Gone Wild. You did Girls Gone Wild? I hosted one. And it was for fucking like a year and a half every late night, 15 seconds on basic cable, my commercial. You sold most of those. I did it as a goof, like you were going to do Alex Jones. I got to be honest with you. That fucking rules, dude. No, it was awful.

I'm sure as an adult you were more. I was a young boy. When those commercials, I jerked off to the commercials. Not were more. I was a young boy. When those commercials. I jerked off to the commercials. Not to Doug. I was the one. I probably jerked off to you. This is where babies feed.

I probably was jerking off. Hey, Bart Simpson, do the line. I definitely was jerking off when you came on. Come on, Willis. What are you talking about? Show us where babies feed. That was the line. You have spout no dumb shit that i'm just spouting out yeah yeah yeah just yelling at those teenage girls but when he got after that like immediately i i i i

think in my own opinion without any factual evidence that he's a fucking rapist and that's the one guy i'm like how did he not get me too because probably every chick that was on that is fucking terrified and embarrassed to be clear you were thinking that while you were in a production setting where they hired you and you you've you saw things and then he's threatening me with oh if you want to fucking quit you signed a contract and I'll sue you and I'm like that's the first time I've had a little bit of money and uh well you left Costa Rica to go do

something it was like insane yeah because fucking litigation anyway he gets arrested after that everything sounds great about all this I just want you to know Shane is loving all this I just want you to know. Shane is loving all this.

I just want you to know this is awesome. After it's all said and done, he gets busted for something. And they go, Girls Gone Wild founder. I'm watching this at a bar. Fucking Joe Francis. But they have a picture of me from the infomercial. With the trailer, Joe Francis is me. Yeah.

No, I got... That was sort of like taxes or something. Yeah, I got hit with a bunch of those. Where it's just like, really? Me and Harvey Weinstein? Me and Harvey Weinstein are your guys. All right. No, they don't give a fuck. But you have to have screenshots for the scrapbook of that.

Oh, I have my favorite pictures in the world. There's one that's like me, Jussie. It's mostly me and Jussie Smollett. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yeah, as if we're comparable. That's worse than Weinstein. For the record, I was saying that is worse than.

Harvey Weinstein. No, Joe Francis. I'm not saying it's worse than harvey weinstein no joe francis i'm not saying it's worse than harvey weinstein jesse small that's just another fucking uh that was oh you know what's funny about that i've said it on a bunch of other places but uh my agency kept jesse small and dropped me oh my god well because you dropped out of the news in fucking three days. And just, uh, here's,

this is Vox. Vox ran this. That's a good one. Oh yeah. There you go. Can you see it? Yeah. We all have reading glasses.

It's a good one. That's a me or Kelly. Roseanne. It's a good one. Yeah. I would have a wave. Hang on. Wait, wait, give me, give me the R. Kelly, Roseanne. Oh, wow. It's a good one. I would have – wait, hang on. Wait, wait. Give me the one in the – oh, R. Kelly.

It's Louis, Jussie Smollett, R. Kelly, Roseanne, and me. It was the one on your t-shirt. Oh, yeah. That's Matt. That's my co-host. That's why I wore that shirt. He's wearing the t-shirt. So he gets Me Too'd by... Yeah.

Because of merch. Me Too'd by association. Here's CNN with me, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson. Put it up to the camera. Oh, my God. That's a CNN tweet of me, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson. A couple rapists and a guy who might have been joking. You know, equal crimes.

Guys who fucked children and a guy who maybe was making fun of racists. One guy was never convicted. I will say that. Those two are actually innocent and I was guilty. Anyway. But in a minute, it didn't matter anymore.

You'd be surprised. It does. It does stay with you as far as career. I mean, I'm fine. I'm definitely doing what I want to do, and everything's cool. But I can't. So I got re-signed to a new agency for booking. Your previous agency that you've been with?

UTA dropped me. Oh, Jesus. I think they dropped me, too. Wait, hang on. Oh, fuck. Edit. No, I won't do that, because that was a legitimate. No, I just got a check from them. Fat baby. Yeah, I won't do that because that was a legitimate – I could – no, I just get a check from them.

Fat baby. Yeah, no. All right. No, UTA didn't do it. This is what I want to know. How long were you with your previous agency? That was my first agent. They were my only one.

When I moved to New York, they picked me up. Actually, when they picked me up, they were like, do you want to do SNL? That was like one of their early questions when they picked me up. And I was like, no. I was like, no, I don't want fucking. That's not my goal. Smarter than me. I was like, my goal is to do stand up.

I was like, I just want to have a good special. And they're like, you sure you don't want to do SNL? I was like, I mean, would I be on SNL? Fuck yeah. I would take it. Why would they think like you sure you don't want to do snl i was like i mean would i be on snl fuck yeah i would take it why would they think that you well uta there do characters or anything i can i can act but i mean were you doing that in anything that they saw they'd see me do voices that's really it i mean i wasn't like on stage i'm not real i don't know if you can look at me and tell i'm not moving around a lot on stage. That's why I'm saying, why would they think that you were appropriate for it?

I mean, I was. I obviously got it. I think an aggressive rep. They called it. I got it right away. I got cast immediately. But was someone at UTA like championing your cause? Like, hey, this is the guy you need to get into uh they were

like um i don't know they they were just like lauren michaels seems to like like big funny people like funny men like men because right now they don't have any well they have a couple but like it's mostly like it's all pussies and women and that's what it's been since you know fucking tina fey yeah and then uh sidebar your honor tina fey ruined an insurance commercial you know mayhem mayhem rules And she did ruin it. Every insurance commercial, every single company is guilty of the worst commercials ever that ruin football. That's the only time I have to see them because everything else I DVR or Netflix. So insurance commercials, everyone. That was the only good one.

And then they put Tina Fey in it. That was the only good one. Faye in it. That was the only good one. Do you think maybe it was Jerry Seinfeld where she owned the company that was selling the commercial to the insurance company? All I know is I saw Tina Faye and Mayhem in the same commercial.

Mayhem stands out. It's like the Energizer bunny. He can sell it. He's a bigger celebrity to me. If I had to get a tattoo of a commercial. That's a good dude that that is as good as your bill murray and someone else to drink with if you had to get a tattoo of this or that that's a fucking another good one that was an old game we used to play who would you rather day drink with

and it started with uh that's my phone don't worry it's if it's bingo she'll call uh was it started with who would you rather day drink with uh uh charles bukowski or hunter s thompson day drink uh hunter bukowski would be yeah I guess the day drink part does change it because night drinking is where Bukowski would get ugly. See? I knew she'd call after she texted. Do you want to put her in? We can't do it on here because you have headphones.

It's our maid. No. Don't you dare out me, you cocksucker. It's not live, dude. Hey, you're on speakerphone. We decided to podcast again. Oh, I think you knew that Oh yeah dope I was doing TV I was still up and drinking Come on back

Just don't listen to this podcast You fucking idiot You fucking idiot I wouldn't have ever thought of that You told me not to do it You were going to fuck me on that No I wasn't going to do that You reminded me not to do it. I knew you were going to fuck me on that. No, I wasn't going to do that. You reminded me to do that.

Tracy, come on. It doesn't matter. She's coming here. Do we need ice in the fridge? The girl's gone wild problem. She's attracted to a camera like a fucking moth to a fucking bug light. But, yeah, I hear you on the Bukowski argument there. That's a good argument. Anyway, but we've, yeah,

this is well-torn ground, but who would you rather have a tattoo of? Wait, hold on. I thought it was Bill Murray and someone. Well, no. Okay, that's what it became. When we started with Bukowski versus Hunter S., we went through

Buscemi versus Gary Oldman. I don't know. Day drink with. I don't know Gary Oldman's drinking like that. So I would go with Buscemi. Well, you don't know his drink. Gary Oldman is a ton of fucking. I think I know Buscemi's drinking.

He fucking died. I'm sure he was throwing him back. Oh, Buscemi. I think I was thinking Belushi. I'm an idiot. Steve Buscemi. No, we had Belushi against someone, I'm sure. Belushi or Belemi.

No, Steve Buscemi. Oh, that's a good one. Did you just hear that? Belushi versus Farley. John Farley. John Farley. Well, I guess that's always going to fall on partisan lines of how old you are. Chris Farley, sorry.

Chris Farley. No, we did Chris Farley versus John Candy. Oh. Well, you're close. No, because, yeah, again, that's an age thing. But John Candy and... Chris Farley. Farley.

I think you've got to go Farley almost every time. No, no, I would go day drinking John Candy. John Candy. A day drink is a sad fucking horseshoe posture drink. But if I ordered a grasshopper, he would order a grasshopper with me. We would. Which one would? Farley's going to be out of control all the time.

And let's go do some shit. I don't want a day drink. You think that guy's got coke? Yeah. John Candy would be wonderful to talk to. Yeah. But the Bill Murray one, it devolved into... No one could beat Bill Murray

on a day drink. Yeah. Not even John Prine. This is so old I don't mind bringing it up. I would take... No, it's great. I would take...

Who can... I know you guys are going to hate this. He doesn't know it, so that's good. I know you're going to hate this, but W in his prime. George W. Bush. Yeah, that'd be a good one. A nice, powerful guy getting day drunk, that'd be fun. I agree with you.

It's a good story. Yeah. In that early, not after, not presidential. Yeah, no, no. I think he found God. That's the problem. The point is... Point in time.

Yeah, I mean, there's a million people that nobody knows I'd rather day drink with and George Bush in his prime was someone nobody would know. Wait, does he footage? George Bush drinking it?

There's some footage of George Bush drinking. The point of the game is to try to make a... George Bush drinking it? There's some footage of George Bush drinking it. The point of the game is to try to make a, who's the best team of all time? Yeah, who's the dream team? Fantasy. It's a fantasy drinking team.

I'm trying to think. If it finally comes down to who's the dream team? John Daly. John Daly, the golfer. That'd be a good one. That's a good one. That's a good day drinker. He's like drinking. You can't match him against Bill Murray. No! Actually, those two would rather

drink and kick you out of the bar. There you go. Oh, that's to another fucking legendary sports partier. But Bill Murray is a classic. Daly's not a legendary. He's like a fucking he pulls his rv in front of a hooters now he sells like john can blacks out during the day he's huge that guy

fucking rules that's a good no he is but it's it's it that's kind of an apples and oranges thing where he's not the same as a hunter or a Bukowski where they're both authors. They're both legendary. Yeah. I wonder if Hemingway would be a cunt to drink with. You'd probably make a fish or hunt. What's wrong with that? Day drinking? Well, I mean.

You ever try hunting? Well, I guess that's day drinking. It is. I assume the camera angles are where the audience doesn't realize that you have never looked at him once. He told me not to.

Oh, good. I'm not being an asshole. He told me not to. You're doing great, dude. Are you kidding me? I can't believe Doug's thinking about that show. You're doing great.

That comes up when you're drunk. That would bother me. I'd be like, what's this guy an asshole? He's not even going to look at Chaley? We talked about it earlier.

We both hate being on camera, but if we don't see ourselves, that's why Chaley has it set up like this. Before we started, he was like, it's set up like this. Don't look at me. We're not talking. That'll be tough, but all right. I don't know if you've acted or anything where you see yourself on the monitor and go, oh, fuck, I can't do this.

Yeah, I saw myself on that monitor and I was like, I need a haircut and to lose 40 pounds. Look at that shot. That's perfect. You guys are looking at each other like you're talking. I reversed your angle, Doug, so you're looking at him. So it's more,

it looks better for the audience. If we did this like at Issues with Andy, I would have the fourth person in the screen be someone who would remind us of where we were when we went off topic a thousand times.

Who's your number one? The day drink. Bill Murray is. That was the whole point of the story was we could never find anyone that people could beat bill murray i'd drink with mitch hedberg and that's and then he'd leave and go get heroin and then i'd have to fucking drive the rv home yeah what's the situation where are you does that change i always pictured the old coaching horses which

is now the pikey i don't know if you know closed closed wait i know that that's not news yeah i knew that before they closed for good but just a fucking any new york day drinking bar with the light shining through the window but from a distance. Slumped. You're a good one. I wrote this fucking line today. You're a good one. Curled like a prawn around my wilted middle section. Unable to do anything but sweat through the bed. That was your haunted house 2016.

Oh my god. I love that. I woke up and wrote down wilted middle on a small fucking post-it note. And then I fucking jumped into the fucking notes of my book, turned on the computer and put that in. Shane has a good point. You're a good day. You're a good one.

You're, you're one. Cause I was trying to think of, not if you're here for the night, it's going to get ugly, but no. You're one, because I was trying to think of comics. Not if you're here for the night. True. It's going to get ugly. But no, you're one that I was trying to cycle through my head of who comics alive today. That drink.

That even drink. They're a tough find. I drank with Bert Kreischer once. He probably wouldn't remember, but I did. It was fun. He's a good one. He's in the book, too. He's a good find. I drank with Bert Kreischer once. He probably wouldn't remember, but I did. It was fun. He's a good one. He's in the book too. He's a good one. About that. Day drunk into night drunk into...

Yeah, he's a good one. God, I don't know. I don't know. Murray? Yeah, I guess. Who's your personal best one? Who's the one that... That I have? Fucking Depp, I guess. Who's your personal best one? Who's the one that you... That I have? Fucking Depp, of course. Depp, yeah.

He's got to be the best. But it's not a day drunk. He wakes up like a fucking vampire. He might be a vampire, dude. No, I day drank with him on the fucking island. What island? Epstein's? His own.

The Bahamas. The one he owns. Epstein's? Look, the Bahamas the one he owns Epstein's? look I'm all in on Pizzagate you better watch out he might be a part of that Johnny Depp

I really think is one of the most fucking innocent he's like Hedberg he's like this most reclusive like sweetheart he talks shit Jack would have been a good one Jack versus He's like Hedberg. He's like this most reclusive, like, sweetheart.

Jack Nicholson. Jack would have been a good one. Jack versus. You got to get like a Paul Newman. I'd say Jack versus. Okay, Jack. What's a fucking... Leonardo DiCaprio is kind of the modern.

Yeah, no, I'd say someone that you equate. Who's Steve McQueen? Did you just say that? That's who I think. I know. I'd dig with him. Jack Nicholson, he would be a cool one. Since they're both dead, I'll put them at what era.

Jack Nicholson's dead? No, he's talking about Steve McQueen. Oh, yeah, you haven't seen the news. Jack Nicholson isn't dead. Oh, yeah, you haven't seen the news. Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. My bad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. My bad. How'd you find out about that? Jesus. Yeah, Jack Nicholson would be boring now. I was talking about McQueen, but in the heyday, I don't know a lot of... Yeah, I'd go McQueen. But two whiskeys in, you don't think...

Like, Jack, come on. You got a ride. Just fucking do a couple shots couple couple drinks in and then he starts talking about the the uh easy rider filming like when they're doing the shoots hugh hefter or larry flint flint every day too gross you want to look at this this? There's a wet lip dropping. What if you had to go president? I think W wins that. Teddy Roosevelt.

Are we going all-time president? What, alive? I was thinking alive. Clinton's a good call. I'd go Obama. Obama for sure, but Teddy Roosevelt's my all-time favorite. Obama smoked cigarettes. I'm going with a smoker he won't take one

your American spirits yellows yeah I'm gonna embarrass myself that was the greatest you saw Louie's fucking new special yeah the president knows I masturbate yeah that was fucking incredible fucking

good man yeah him knowing Obama knows he jerks fucking incredible so fucking good man yeah him knowing obama knows he jerks off is so fucking like everyone knows your business is fucking yeah yeah i mean that's that special is so good it's good it's like it's so funny to see a comic that's he's like all right i got nothing to lose so let's do i'll. I'll do it. I'll say it. And it's just like, perfect, man. Yeah. Perfect.

Yeah, that's what it should be. America loves a comeback. We were talking about how this whole fucking virus thing is going to diminish that cancel culture. We hope. Hopefully. Oh, doesn't this put it in perspective for you? Hopefully. We did the...

When you just got first fired from Saturday Night Live, furloughed is what you mean. Furloughed. Yeah, true. Exonerated. How about that? Let go. I fucking look at a lot of thesaurus.com.

It's standing next to you. But we knew that we were going to see our friend Sonny, whatever he calls himself. He's still not completely. Oh, after the Harrisburg show with Tony Viagra. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, shout out to Tony.

Sorry you missed the Baltimore show. We put those together on purpose Hey, shout out to Tony. Sorry you missed the Baltimore show. Hey, Tony. We put those together on purpose because you had just gotten fired from Saturday Night Live. Oh, yeah. My friend that's in jail for murdering his mother because he was schizophrenic and thought Lorne Michaels. And he went to New York, stabbed his mother to death, and then went to New York City to actually stabbed his mother to death, and then went to New York City,

actually get on the set of Saturday Night Live. Maybe it's to your multiple times benefit that you did not get murdered on the set. To put it in perspective, you did Chinese Voices. He thought he was going to be in Saturday Night Live because Lorne Michaels was telepathically talking to him through the TV and said, come to my set. So, yeah.

Yeah, there is a comparison. We didn't get any blowback for you being on our podcast. No. We'll be okay. Is that what you're saying, Doug? The Doug Stano podcast will survive. The brand is fine. Settle down, Shaley.

Hennigan, call off your... Now, hopefully, I hear you on the fucking... Yeah, I talked about it with a couple of people. It's like, hopefully, our country faces a real problem, an actual issue like this, and then maybe we stop crying about a lot of non-issues that aren't actually real. And one of those non-issues that aren't actually real.

And one of those non-issues... Hold on. Harvey Weinstein was an issue. That's not what I'm talking about. He's talking about collateral damage. No, I'm talking about me joking on a podcast and getting fired from comedy. I get that. Everyone's talking about it.

I watched Norton. I'm finally watching comedy. And, it. I watched Norton. I'm finally watching comedy. And yeah, I watched Norton. I just heard him the other night going back. That's on The Degenerates. I haven't watched his full special. But I'm not going to give it away. But watch Jim Norton on The Degenerates talking about Ted Bundy fucking documentaries.

That's a compilation. So good, right? Yeah. The problem is, like, we all now, comics are actually in the focal point for once, and everyone has to address the issue about what we can and can't say in comedy, which we never got in the fucking spotlight.

So it's kind of good. It's kind of good. Yeah, it's all right. Trust me, it's all right. Shit kind of sucks. No, it's, yeah, I hear you. We shouldn't be. Comedians should never be in this.

Not in a negative way. Well, they shouldn't be in this spotlight at all. Like, hey, what do you guys have to say that's important? It's like, sure like sure some things but like there's a million fucking retards doing stand-up right now and none of them should be discussing things like i i all of a sudden we have very political comedians that like i i ran for president in 2007 for like six months and i went i don't know anything about politics and i because i ran on a libertarian that was why you stopped no yeah it was one of the reasons because it

wasn't fun because i realized i have no idea what i'm talking about yeah so i would challenge you a lot of good friends of mine that are on twitter that went from funny to oh we need to do this and this person needs to okay run for president on that ticket and then realize when you get questioned by a third party that's even negligible and they go well how do you feel about this and this and you go well how does that work well it's yeah it's funny to hear all these especially like veteran comics now because like you can uh like it's easy to like talk it's you can say horrible shit your whole career and then once you're famous you can pull that ladder up and be like no one should be talking that way or be saying those things just drop the name go ahead no there's a million of

them there's a million of them it's like a million of them. But it's funny to be listening to somebody discuss political issues. It's like, dude, I've seen you do blackface. Like, what are you talking about? I have a picture of me in Tri-Cities, Washington in like 1993 where it was Halloween. And that's the last time I actually put on a costume for Halloween I went on stage on a David Trouble gig as Aunt Jemima

with the whole big tits and fat ass and kerchief and black face but I only had like a two three years in a comedy I only have my one act there's no off the script. It's just this, a heckler says something and you go,

and have you heard about mutton busting? Where kids ride on sheep? I don't react. I have nothing. And so my show sucked. You were dressed like you bombed as Aunt Jemima? Yeah, because I go, I'll dress up. It's Halloween.

I'm a kid. I'll do Aunt Jemima. Yeah, because I go, I'll dress up. It's Halloween. I'm a kid. I'll do Aunt Jemima. That's funny. And if I was famous in a place where blackface could take me down, all they would have to do is play. Like, I had, like, two jokes about the Aunt Jemima costume, and then it's back into my dumb fucking awful comedy that a three-yearyear-old comic does and then you just have to play the rest of that 25 minute set and they'd go oh he's exonerated he already did his time

well that's what sucks about it is like my my podcast the one i got fired for is like it's just me and my friend and we're idiots like it's literally it's like listening to two eighth graders talk so it's like me and him like farts you ever fart and your boner is this. Like it's literally, it's like listening to two eighth graders talk. So it's like me and him like, farts, you ever fart and your boner is this way? And it's like, so now CNN is looking at that and like tweeting that I called

Confederate soldiers gay from the Civil War. Like that's like a real, they comb through comedians' shit that they're obviously, I knew it was shit. That's why I was saying it. I was spewing nonsense.

They're looking for something salacious. And they're like, here's a real quote, and they type it out. It's like, dude, aren't you guys adults? You went to college for that? You went to Columbia, and you're following my podcast? That's what we were talking about earlier. It's wild, man. That's what we were talking about earlier. It's wild, man.

You have to lose 50% of your audience to gain a fucking following. Yeah. You're talking about you're doing shows a lot of the time to people who just show up for comedy night, not for Shane Gillis. Yeah. And you were talking about it was in Baltimore. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was in Buffalo.

I was talking about how I actually, in real life, I walk more conservatives. Like, typically, when people leave my show, it's because they're, like, really into Trump. And if you run into, like, somebody that, like, loves Trump, if you even mention him at all in a bad way, they're fucking giving it to you. And they spaz. Like yelling at the Cowboys fans? Oh, for sure. Yeah, they scream. And right, I mean, look, I know you guys hate Trump.

Whatever. I don't give a fuck. Whoa, whoa, whoa! He was talking to the listener. No, but I'm saying they have been battered. If you're a Trump supporter, you're like a battered woman. Your guy has just been through the ringer since day one. So they're like, all right, let's have a nice night,

and then here's a comedian on stage that's like, it'd be funny if Trump got shot. The footage would be great. So I get why they're freaking out. I just wish they understood it was a joke. But I guess what i'm saying is it's funny that in real life the conservative people seem to be the ones to freak out and then you know online and career wise it's the the liberal the left is just the biggest bunch of pussies they're the biggest bunch of pussies on earth let's uh they're just straight at all yeah i'll fucking fucking... I'll do whatever. Or maybe just edibles.

He's living at your house. Wait, what are we tripping on? Mushrooms. Oh, 100%. I did mushrooms last week. I've fantasized about just trying to fucking make a third party out of the two parties. It needs done, and I think it is going to happen. I think of all the, you know, whatever happens with Trump.

Because we fucking reach across the aisles, and that's what the press is doing. Like we said, with Skank Fest, that whole, the Oakerson people, like they're being labeled as alt-right because they're not. And I went through this with you know when i was against george bush that meant i was a liberal no i'm a fucking realist or whatever you want to fucking call me i i don't care about any party it's not black or white yeah yeah jay jay ogerson is being branded oh well that was. Oh, that was because of me. That was... Well, they were kind of because they had Milo on their podcast.

Ianopolis. But they're fucking interviewing someone. So did Rogan. It's not... The fans know. That's the point. It's the fans know. It's whatever media...

And then there's eight people that take an opinion and they go, people are outraged. No, eight people that want to fucking get their tweet read are outraged. Someone who has a social media savvy has all of a sudden made this a thing. I'm saying Shane Gillis and I should get high and figure out how to solve the world. God did not send him across a virus-plagued nation to come here for wisdom, for us not to come up with a solution. God damn it, you're right. I am right.

God. Do you know how long it's been since I talked to a comedian? I would rather do a mushroom podcast than a pot. Yeah, I don't like pot, but I do like mushrooms a lot. I'm too uneasy on that. I agree. I tried two times to do a pot podcast.

No, you've tried more than that. Really? I remember too recently. I don't like pot like that. It's not that it's not entertaining. No, it's the edibles. It entertained no it's edibles it's different yeah it's it's a it's a weird thing for you to gauge whereas i think mushrooms we could do that better and tracy's uh we the four of us would be down we'd always we'd all be down yeah i know it

i know a local drug dealer that's a callback to a private conversation but i i wanted to throw my hat in the ring on that because i would rather do that than the edibles because i i get a lot of things on uh on the email and on patreon just like more edibles for doug but you're solo on that yeah well nicky fits uh i I listen to Nicky Fitz. Nicky Fitz tells me don't ever do pod on a podcast before. And he's really kind of my soul guide. What do you call those? A spiritual advisor.

Spiritual advisor. Exactly what I was looking for. Soul guide. That's a blaxploitation film. It's one of my favorite. Soul Guide. I'm your brother. You went to black heaven.

I'm your soul guide. Ha! Cha-cha-cha-cha! But it's all done in blackface. We were just watching a Sidney Poitier movie from fucking 1959 or something where he's a black doctor. He's great.

He's great in that. And they did that whole corny cliched, hey, Johnny, don't let this black fella. Yeah, you're going to let him take our jobs? They're still making these movies. They're still making that. You can watch that today. I said that to tracy i go i want this remade with kevin hart as sydney portier the well-spoken doctor in the original i don't know people know kevin hart and they like him

like comics yeah they're like he's a great guy he's very very funny. I leave football for a commercial of his for his new movie where he's just... Yeah, that's... Can't judge him on that. But yes. It is... I mean, yeah, it's like... He's doing Jumanji. Shit stinks.

I'm more offended by that. I'm more offended by that. All right. Hang on. This is my hang on this is my son this is my son Shane Gillis I want to have him meet my maid I'm sorry

you're throwing out references of things she knows that I don't she doesn't remember there was an original. Yeah, you remember Robin Williams? Who? Yeah. You know the original Jumanji? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm glad we did this podcast. This is a good podcast. I think I said some things I'll regret. I'll wake up tomorrow and say, God damn it, not again. Chaley cringes when chaley is like a a moral barometer i couldn't see him he he did not cringe all right good good

thank you chad i love this i could listen i got no problem with you wanting to do podcasts i am set up i feel bad when i leave the gear like i pulled that camera that's on Shane right now. I pulled that camera because I didn't think the bartender or you wanted it there. But we're set up to go here. We're in crisis mode, motherfucker. Is there something going on on the outside I don't know about? We're at war. We did actually. All right, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Come on, man. I told you. We actually did find. Resources are low and we had to go to war. I think Trump's right to do that. Sucking dick for gasoline. We found a guy up on the Gulch. Our friend Shawnee, who built this entire place,

said, I talked to Andrew and he's been working on this place up in the Gulch and he has no... He listens to podcasts or audio audible books lps see how i correct i just listened to i just got into audible fucking drive down here you know what i all right sorry i didn't mean to cut you off the point is that andrew is like

so what's going is something's going on because you don't. So there really is a guy locally that had no idea what the fuck's going on. Yeah, I don't either. I genuinely don't. But this was before. He doesn't... Oh, he didn't even know about the virus? Andrew lives on a hill. Accidentally. He's just working on shit

at his house. There's a lot of people like that. Now people are getting sick. He's like, oh, really? Shane, this is the deal. Andrew lives on a hill in in the gulch which is old bisbee where at one point you'll go my car is not gonna make it to go to have dinner with him like yeah i don't think uh wait a minute i have to back down this whole fucking hill? Un-fucking-real. Those are the worst. It's terrifying. There was a mountain lion living above his house in an area that he owned.

They had to come to a truce with his neighbor. Ate all his chickens and then left like a gentleman. And then he said, oh, how come there's a mountain lion but wait a minute it's a fucking i could tell what was bedding down you stayed long enough to see us i this fucking bullshit are you kidding me get out of there jesus yeah that's busy i guess we're still city boys on some level living in this fucking gated compound this is wild man this is a wild fucking town i i know i haven't the small amount i've seen i'm like damn no this is actually you've seen everything this is pretty much what we do every day wake up this is our reality wait for you have some cocktails talk shit i can't wait to go to Benson and get Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We really didn't talk about this on a podcast? All right. Well, let's not close on it because tomorrow, Douglas. Douglas tomorrow. Douglas has one. Do they? Yes. Is that what I crossed through to get here? I think it's closed.

I was going to stop to get it. I was going to stop to get it. No, you wouldn't go to Douglas to get here. No, he did go through Douglas. Oh shit, he took that. The movie's on. They're about to lynch Sidney Poitier. Put it on pause.

Sidney Poitier is back on. We're going to see what happens. I got a good feeling the whites aren't going to be too kind. But you never know. Bingo, take us out of here, and we'll tell you how the movie wraps up tomorrow. I'll see if Kevin Hart makes a cameo. Click.

Okay, bye-bye now. guitar solo guitar solo Thank you.