The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#379: Day 15 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

Day 15. Nativity of Cum with Shane Gillis.Recorded April 17th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Shane Gillis (@ShaneMGillis), Ms. Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Check out Shane Gillis at - Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/matt-and-shanes-secret-podcast/id1177068388Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast oh sweet mystery of life at last i've found you i have finished my fucking goddamn book except for the parts i haven't finished but if i die of coronavirus well it doesn't fucking turn this way, Chaley. It does. Oh. Oh. Jiggle the handle.

Oh, shit. I didn't switch it. So no one got to see you correct yourself. Shane Gillis and I, after a long day yesterday, I went right back to day drinking. Yeah, I kind of drank myself sober, and then we watched a couple of movies. You had a good night. Yeah. It was a good night.

We had some early dinner, watched movies on the patio, and then we both took Seroquel and fucking slept like little tiny dead angel babies. Yeah, I've never taken Ambien or any type of sleeping medicine. I'm still dead. That was a 24-hour, like, it feels good. It's very relaxing, but goddamn. Yeah. I don't know how people do it. I get up strong.

I cooked a bunch of food this morning. I cooked two pounds of bacon. Good for you, man. No, that's in the fridge, by the way, in the main house. It's a bag of bacon already cooked. There's always a sack of bacon, or Doug is preparing the next sack of bacon. Good. Good.

Yeah, it was – I think my favorite part of you day drinking was – because I was in and out, rarely out of my house. I would walk out, but I can just see Doug over the fence. And he was shirtless. I think just in long johns. Yeah, because I realized I've been wearing my pajama pants backwards for two days. That's all he said to me.

I walked out. He looks at me. He goes, I just realized I've been wearing my pajama pants backwards for two days. That's all he said to me. I walked out, he looks at me, he goes, I just realized I've been wearing my pajama pants backwards for two days. I was like, alright. Just walked right back in. What I didn't explain was I had the motivation to get up and

take them off with my long johns underneath, which when it's a 70 degree day, you don't really need those long johns, but I was too lazy to put them back on, so I just sat in the sun in my long johns shirtless. It was nice. It turned me on. That's why I went back in immediately.

It happens. I cooked you a beautiful dinner tonight, and I went, I shouldn't put on classical music or light that candle because after. Well, you had some classical last night. Yeah, yeah, but that wasn't over a candlelit dinner. At some point the other night, Chaley and I, as we often do, kissed in the middle of conversation. That was one of the stranger things I've witnessed.

I was talking to the maid. The maid and I were having a conversation. Then right next to us, Doug and Chaley, mid-conversation, stopped and kissed and then went back to the conversation. And I was like – So you made it weird. I did make it weird. I did immediately stop talking to the maid and I was like, hold on. Did you guys just fucking kiss?

We haven't even shown you town yet. We haven't been sober enough to drive once. Not that we haven't even shown you town yet We haven't been sober enough to drive once Not that we haven't driven One of the nights of drunken phone calls And we're gonna do that We just have to plan it And announce it or something Right when

Shane was just talking about I just remembered yesterday You told me I looked like Jim Ignatowski from Taxi. Reverend Jim, you were so drunk. To me, you looked – because you were wearing a coat with the – Which I can't find that coat. That's one of my favorite gold jackets. How far can it go?

I've been in two places, Funhaus or our place. That's it. No other place. Funhouse or our place. That's it. No other place. You look like your eyebrows. You're so drunk. It looked like your eyebrows were glowing out at me as you bellowed at me. We were talking about the movie Coma. Yeah.

You were watching it. We had a fire outside. It was a great night. That was a fucking fun night. Then afterwards, Shane and I stayed up till fucking all hours drunk dialing, and no one was a great night. That was a fucking fun night. But then afterwards, Shane and I stayed up till fucking all hours, drunk dialing, and no one was answering their phone. Everyone I've been drunk dialing for the last

week or two was picking up, and then finally, around 2 a.m., his wake-up call, Manson answered the phone. So then we had to drive very drunk over to the quiet house to let Bingo talk to him and cheer her up. She wakes up about the same time.

She's got Manson hours now. It was an interesting night for me. I'm sitting there with fucking dogs drunk driving up to Bingo's. I'm talking to fucking Marilyn Manson on speakerphone. Yeah. It was fucking wild. It's as risky as driving on a go-kart track. Yeah, it's not what it sounds like.

Yeah, it's very close. Except for tires cut in half lining the street, you could go down a hill. Yeah, I wasn't that drunk. I was probably not drunk at all. I'm just saying, there's no bumper cars. If anyone in Bisbee's listening, I don't do that. Sorry about that. Marilyn Manson had to save Bingo's night from complete insanity.

And we weren't as bad as, I think it was when we got back that things kind of got ugly. That's when I started drinking Franzia for some reason. Oh, yeah. You went from white Russians to fucking white box wine. It ended my night. That's a curdle in itself. Yeah, it was an odd one. I know if you mixed them in a glass what it would look like.

So I imagine what your belly would look like. Yeah, it was a tough one. That was the most hungover I've been. Yesterday was the most hungover I've been in a while. At the end of the night, no fucking chance. Yeah, and I was like, all right, I'm just going to have a nice easy one tonight. We did a nice easy one. But I was three or four drinks in last night. I was like, all right, I'm just going to have a nice, easy one tonight. We did. A nice, easy one. But I was three or four drinks in last night.

I was like, I feel great. I feel like myself again. We watched old school. I haven't seen that in forever. Dude, that was so funny. So fucking funny. Especially having to go back during that one scene. Oh, my God. When the maid came in, you're like, hey, you don't mind if I...

I'm like, no, put it back. Because that was fucking hilarious. The scene with... Fuck, I forget his name. Stifler. Sean William Scott? Something like that, yeah. Is there an Austin in it?

Sean Austin? No, that's Austin. That's Rudy. That's Rudy. Oh, yeah, sorry. Lord of the Rings. Michael Austin Powers? Oh, that was a good question we had.

That reminds me. We were thinking of, is there any single fucking comedy sequel or sequel in general? Is there a good comedy sequel? Is there a sequel that's as good or better? I said Bad Santa, but Bad Santa 2 got bad reviews. And I waited until my expectations were low enough that I loved from, but I don't remember a thing from it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sean, William Scott is the actor we're talking about. He, he, uh, he was the pony wrangler at the Max's birthday party in the backyard. The fucking dart in your neck.

That scene that you, that you, that you described was like, what? And then you showed it to me and I'm like, it is so funny to go back. And cause I used to do that with fast times, Ridgemont high. I watched that every it is so funny to go back. Because I used to do that with Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I watched that every day after school for like a year. And it was so fucking funny, just the minutia of it. And that reminded me of it. So that's fucking the best part of that scene. I mean, the iconic scene is you got a fucking dart in your neck like that line. But the part before where he fucking yanks the pony's reins,

the pony fucking jumps. He's like, what? Yeah, shut up. But as a credit to Sean Williams Scott, he yanked that lead to that pony that was in the back of the truck. Yeah. Like a guy who beats ponies. You know what I mean? And he didn't break.

No. If that horse would have jumped like that, I would have been like, oh, shit. Anyway, sorry. Sorry, that's it. We're having fun. Granular. I love that. I was saying to him, the old school, I hated Will Ferrell from everything I knew about him forever until old school, which is 2003.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturday Night Live was not something I've watched since Eddie Murphy days. But you'd see the fucking cheerleader sketch or something. Oh, yeah, with Will Ferrell. The Spartans. Fucking Spartans. Sherry O'Terry. Terrible. And it wasn't until that movie I gave him a break. And now I can still watch Talladega Nights repeatedly.

Fucking the basketball movie. Yeah. Anchorman, of course. Oh, God, yeah. I fucking love them. I don't know if there is a comedy sequel. Austin Powers had a couple good ones. But, yeah.

You looked it up, and you were reading some shit to me that reminded me you're only 32 years old. Oh, yeah. Next Friday? Yeah me you're only 32 years old. Oh, yeah. Next Friday? Yeah, you're right. Next Friday. That was the one I was like, I think next Friday is the only comedy sequel that holds up close. I don't even know what Friday is.

You've never seen Friday? Friday is, you got knocked the fuck out. Ice Cube and Chris Tucker. Remember the TV show Fridays was like Saturday Night Live? Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Glamour.

I am not 32. Michael Richards? No shit. You guys are missing out if you haven't seen Friday. Fuck. We need to watch that. You guys would fucking love it. I'll watch it with you.

I'll go with your recommendations right now. Friday and next Friday are phenomenal. Yeah. I never watch movies in here. Chaley does all the time. Oh my God. Movies for never watch movies in here. Chaley does all the time. Oh, my God. Movies for me are in bed thing. Again, when we watch the fucking rest of Nice Guys.

Nice Guys. Nice Guys. That's one. I was telling you. Fucking great. People gave me a... I got a bad review for Nice Guys. People were telling me that movie wasn't great. Hilarious.

Which one is that? It's Russell Crowe and... Ryan Gosling. Yeah, they play private detectives. Gosling's actually funny. You haven't seen it either? It's like an L.A. Confidential, like a film noir. Yeah, it's like a Starsky and Hutch type.

But it's a comedy. They're bumbling detectives. Yeah. It's set in the 70s. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's fucking great. I've watched that movie like four times. I got a funny Serpico.

Yeah, Goselin's drunk. He's an alcoholic. It's great. I thought it was going to suck because people told me it sucked. Yeah, that's what I said. As soon as you're done, let's drunk dial whoever told you it sucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but the drunk dialing, it's...

Yeah, we're going to do a podcast of just drunk dialing for charity. Since there's no money involved. Wait, what's the charity part? It's just drunk dialing for charity. We're going to call fucking famous or semi-famous or comedians that you might know in our phones and just go back and forth. We have to schedule a day. Today, if I didn't have shit to do, like finish the book, which I did.

Thank you. Congratulations, by the way. We started late tonight, but I was busy getting some stuff up, and then I looked over there, and you were in no way going to stop what you were doing. I knew we were going to podcast after you got to it. So yeah, we have to do it on a day

like this where we're well-rested going into it and then just go back and forth calling people from our phones. That one I have is risky. Yeah, there's some. There's a couple I feel bad doing. I was going to say there's some that I wouldn't risk, but we're not that drunk. If I am drunk, I'm going to risk that shit.

Oh, wait. That's when it happens. It's for charity. I know, which is – It's for the kids. I mean, it is important for the charity. I wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't for charity. Well, that's our opening line.

And here's the thing. Hey, we're drunk dialing for charity. Sorry to bother you. Yeah. And it's not like it's like – So let's say we call somebody that otherwise wouldn't want to be on a podcast. They're not, you know,

it's not like they agreed to talk with us. So it's not a bad look necessarily. If somebody, yeah, you're catching them, uh, like stepping out of the shower. You're not like,

like they didn't know you were calling. There wasn't a window for the record. We're not going to do this at drunk dial hours. We'll give ourselves day drunk dialing. Jesus. Day drunk dialing is a big mistake. I was thinking evening. As long as people on the East Coast are awake.

That's why I thought Saturday, but that's tomorrow, today for the listener. We have a guest scheduled for either this weekend or early in the week, but it's from the UK. So we've got to – that might actually work because it's going to be in the afternoon for that. No, no. We can do this any night. This could be an evergreen for the next day because you're going to be drinking with us. It's not going to be time sensitive. Well, I'm just saying, I'm starting to schedule

some things in advance. Because everyone now knows that you've lifted the no Skype veil. So that's a good thing. Well, no, I thought we were going to do Zoom. We'll talk about it. I woke up

this morning. I was a little parched. I was just telling Tracy that I realized I haven't shit today because yesterday I was so fucking drunk and took a Seroquel. But I woke up. It was the weirdest craving that I had this morning was champagne. I woke up going, fuck, I could drink champagne right now. I don't even like champagne. Did you?

No, I didn't. Because we only have the giant fucking Magnum or whatever it's called. This is way too. Oh, man. You buy things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have for football Sunday.

I only have me and you don't wake up till 1 in the afternoon. Yeah, which is crazy because that's 4 where I'm from. That's 4 where I'm from. Every day I've woken up like, Jesus Christ. I think it's just no matter where I am, I wake up at noon. That's solid. I think it's just that no matter where I am, I

wake up at noon. That's it. That's so fucking enviable. That's, uh, well, I woke up, I think it was the Seroquel. My mouth was so I must have slept like totally mouth open the whole fucking night. Chock tongue? Yeah, oh, it was terrible. Is that an Indian tribe?

Chock tongue? Close. Chock tongue. The Seroquel ran too deep. Choktong. Yeah, that's what I had. But we do have some. I'm holding some back on you. On what? What's that?

That I realized, oh, fuck, I have their number on my old phone. They're not like big hitters, but like, oh, that would be funny. It would still be fun. They probably would answer my phone call during this current crisis. Yeah. Everyone's fucking home and bored. Yeah, I'm trying to, the few that I have, you know, I'm new, so this is weird. You're established.

Me calling, I'm calling up. You're calling level or down. You know what I mean? Calling up, a drunk dial calling up is a mistake. But there's other kinds of drunk dials like ex-girlfriend. Oh, shit. Booty call? Yeah.

And you're not asking. Ex-girlfriend would be a disaster. But it's for charity. I know it's for charity. It's for the kids. You're not asking... Your ex-girlfriend would be a disaster. But it's for charity. I know it's for charity. It's for the kids. You're not asking someone to help you move. I mean, the podcast is going to go out. Should we have a prize?

You want to do a prize? But you don't tell them what the prize is? I was trying to figure out rules, like bridge, where something trumps something. Wasn't it dialing for dollars? Should we make it more like that? Remember dialing for dollars? I remember calling. Yeah, they'd call a number at a certain time every day.

And then if you answered the phone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dialing for dollars. I think it'd be more along those lines, but for charity. I just thought drunk dialing for charity is a great way to open the call. And that way they don't hang up. There's a prize element. It might spark some kind of

competitive... Should we tell them ahead of time? That's what I'm... Like maybe a text. You might get a phone call in the next couple days. I was thinking about that. Or just straight up just call. I was trying to brainstorm with you yesterday, but

the fucking storm had already wiped out the whole village. I think if you call in advance, then it preps them. You'll probably get more people to answer, but then you won't get the candidness of the call. Yeah. That make sense? No, I agree.

That's why I was thinking just tweet. Hey, as Todd Barry would say, hey, all my verified friends that are in my phone, I'm doing drunk dials for charity between 6 and 10 p.m. on Saturday. Here we go. Remember, it's for charity. Yeah, maybe that's it.

Sunday night. If you do it afternoon. You do it a couple days out, so it not like hey in the next hour I'm dialing Maybe that's it Maybe we tweet that tonight It doesn't matter For Sunday which is two days from now As the crow flies

Listener hears this tomorrow Olivia Grace I have to get this in Let me do my hair first Because we always fuck that up And then Chaley has to edit and then he yells at us. I don't edit. There's no edit. Hold on, I got the wrong camera.

Hold on. I gotta get the camera. Okay, here we go. I'm on Harry's butt, so anybody have any preferences? Get something that's appealing to me. Something from the front. I like the weird things on the side, like what he's showing right now. It looks very picky. That's a good now. It looks very picky.

That's a good one. Tracy, solid. Thank you. How many days have you guys been doing this? I don't know. It's on the clapper board. What's funny is the spots that you guys shaved already are going to start to grow

back better than the new ones, which is hilarious. That's the first one, and it's long by the time the last one gets done. I love that. Olivia Grace, I have to – she set me right. She did not cancel any fucking tour because of coronavirus. It was just the fact that she's as into looking deep into fucking infectious diseases as she is serial killers. So maybe this is just something she did not want to admit to me. She goes, no, I fucking canceled

because we're working on a project together that had a deadline. I did not move down the street. I moved down the street because people come over and play darts right next to my fucking house and I'm trying to work on a project. That is true. Yeah, it makes sense.

But you can understand why I might have thought that. Might be a good time to say that we do have Olivia Grace boxer shorts in the Stanhope store because those did not go on tour when she decided not to go on tour. First of all, she was not on that tour. She said, if I want to go, can I do spots? She was not officially on the tour. All right. Well, all right. You could still buy boxer shorts.

She just didn't want to look like a douchebag that fucking canceled the tour because of coronavirus, which actually you should have. I should have. We shouldn't have gone. But Tracy, the boxer shorts are on the stand-up store, right? Yeah, the ones that are left from the original tour. We still have them. So if you want to get some of the boxer shorts, get over to the stand-up store and check it out. That helps us.

She can use the money. Yeah. That helps her too. I say that to listeners who probably need money more than anyone. Erickson said he got his check already. I think a lot of people got their checks. I don't know how it works.

I'm not getting a check. You're not? I thought you were going to give your check to someone that you found out. Comedians don't get checks? I'm not unemployed like i didn't fire myself or anything but you pay taxes i don't yeah but that's not i i pay taxes so you get a goddamn check i make enough money thank you to everyone who's listening that showed up at shows

yeah i don't know if i'm getting one i didn was for charity. You showed up at my show for charity. Thank you for coming out, Seattle. You died for charity after we all shook hands. Yeah, that was uncomfortable. I did a show like right that same weekend. March 8th, 9th? Yeah. I think it was the 7th was the weekend. Oh, really?

I think I was still going. I think I might have done the 12th and 13th No I did the 12th That was my last show was Baltimore I'm talking about the Seattle one You did do Baltimore which is right after that That was my last show And it was like after the show Because at that point the coronavirus had like

It was real And I was not shaking hands And like a fan would come up and I'd be like, hey, all right, thank you. They'd be like, come on. I'd be like, fine. One or two people demanded a handshake. Don't be a pussy.

Yeah, they hit me with the, come on, don't be a pussy. In for a penny, in for a pound. Officer Bob Friendly. Are you one of those guys? No, sir. Exactly. Yeah, it's pretty much like, what are you, gay? No.

It gets me. Dude, if somebody's like, don't be a pussy, I'm doing it. A hundred percent much like, what are you, gay? No. Dude, if somebody's like, don't be a pussy, I'm doing it. A hundred percent. No matter what it is. It's a weak, very weak part. Be a pussy. That should be our fucking coronavirus hashtag. Be a pussy. Definitely be a pussy about this. Yeah. They can't have the virus because I'm real close to it.

I've known them for years. I'm not going to shake a stranger's hand. Bingo and I went on a drive today in separate cars on speakerphone. Oh, nice. Done with Olivia and drove down to Naco. I'll take you that way tomorrow. And we went through safeway parking lot just it's as close as i can get to inside safeway to see who we saw and then someone was no mask

no gloves hitchhiking at safeway to get back to fucking tin town or wherever they go and jesus what is fucking hitchhiking right now Yeah I'll hang out with you Yeah You can't have the virus I can't I don't Well you don't think I've been testing my temperature

Twice a day Since Shane arrived Yeah We're good I don't want to get anyone sick I don't want me to be sick I don't want anyone To get sick from me

So No of course I was worried about that But I think I'm alright Well you have a clip up on uh twitter sorry i was just looking at some oh yeah that wasn't a note but that reminded me check out at shane m gillis what's that oh yeah shane gillis yeah there's just a couple clips of stand-up i'm gonna put out a i think i'm my friend's editing it, so it's up to him how long it takes to get this out.

But it's just a short set from one of the more – Oh, it's not out. No, there's clips out. There is stand-up on my Twitter right now. Oh, it's from your special. It's not really a special. It's literally – it's like a 20-minute thing. But to put that on YouTube now I think is...

Because nobody's offering me a special right now. So that's kind of the future-ish of stand-up where you just put out clips. It's like the Andrew Schultz model of like, here's a three-minute clip on Instagram with captions. I'm sure you've seen a million of those, but that's kind of

the... I don't have any captions. I don't know what you're talking about, and I just assume Doug doesn't either. Clips, I know what a comedy clip is. Well, this guy, do you know Andrew Schultz? Don't put me on the spot. I don't think he's Andrew Schaefer.

I don't think he's a comedian. I don't know. He just started putting up Instagram clips from every show he did of, you know, like heckling or like, you know, interacting with people, stuff like that. Like every night he would tape? Just, yeah, he would tape every single show and then put out clips with captions. For some reason, captions resonated with everybody on Instagram.

Because people get in trouble for not putting up captions for being impaired. Which doesn't... I've seen people get bitched at. It's crazy. Amazon doesn't allow it. Hannigan just told me that. That's one of the most recent glitches of getting my special out

is Amazon demands you have captions. Really? See, it's all very... We record issues with Andy and captions are done automatically. What's the problem? You mean for YouTube? Well, for YouTube, but I mean, there's a...

I hope it's a computer and not someone in India trying to fucking type in Shaley every time someone says Shaley. But why wouldn't you be able to do captions? I don't understand what the problem is. No, he's got a... I don't know. I don't know. I didn't ask a lot of questions, Shaley. I just know that it will be out shortly. I don't want to upset you is. No, he's got a... I don't know. I don't know. I didn't ask a lot of questions, Jaylee. I just know that it will be out shortly.

I don't want to upset you, Doug. I'm sorry. It's called The Dying of a Last Breed. Nice. I like that title. Yeah, that's awesome. And it's been so long since I recorded it, I had to ask him, what was the title for that? Wait, did I do a bit about that?

Oh, it's a fucking great title. It is. But yeah, somehow that's the current, the modern stand-up right now is Instagram clips with captions. Somehow that resonated. I mean, don't get me, like Schultz is obviously, he's very, very funny. You would like him. You should check him out. What's his name again?

Andrew Schultz. He doesn't need me plugging him. Well, I mean, it's nice that you do. No, that's... I'm plugging up right now. Alright. He's doing well. There's nothing in these notes other than

at the time I made them when I was fucking cooking dinner, you had just walked in as I was walking out to fucking cook some fucking weird chicken that was way too spicy. It's weird having dinner with Doug's making me. Like last night

we had baked potatoes and watched a movie outside. It's very nice. You're a good cook. It was a fucking baked potato bar. I had at least fucking ten different toppings. It wasn't just one shitty baked potato. It was more Golden Corral than Sizzler. But I went in there as Tracy walks in and she's whistling. And I went, what?

You motherfucker. You just whistled Vincent. It was. And then the whole time I'm cooking, I have the saddest fucking song in my head. I know. What's Vincent? It's not my fault. It was on downstairs. I could have told you, the saddest fucking song in my head. I know. What's Vincent? It's not my fault. It was on downstairs.

I could have told you, Vincent, this world has never seen someone as beautiful. Someone as beautiful as you. Yeah, it's a suicide song. It's about Vincent Van Gogh by Don McLean. Don McLean. Who did American Pie. Yeah. Not the movie.

The song. I know the song. I don't know the movie. The movie's all right. I know the song. I don't know the movie. The movie's all right. You know it. It's also, it's like, it's funny.

I was watching fucking Back to the Future yesterday. I don't know. 35 year anniversary or something? 25? Is that what it is? It's October. It's gotta be like,

it's coming up though, yeah. It's gotta be like 35 or 40. What? Probably 35. Back to the Future. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it's about my age. It came out yesterday. Yeah, that's It's going to be like 35 or 40. What? Probably 35. Back to the Future. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

It's about my age. It came out yesterday. Yeah, that's all I did yesterday. The maid was suntanning on the deck. I missed it. And you go, I'm going to be up there suntanning. Yeah, I'll be with you. And you didn't come back out.

And she goes, where did he go? I go, he's in the guest house, which has a view of the deck. And I said, have you ever seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High? She goes, no. I go, then you wouldn't get the reference. But the joke is that he's masturbating watching you fucking suntan in a bikini. I would never. But yeah, it was.

Not now when we have porn. Let you catch me if it was Fast Times Day. Yeah, I absolutely never. Not now when we have porn. Let you catch me if it was Fast Times Day. Yeah, I absolutely would. Tracy has something to say while I piss. Oh, boy. I drank over a half a gallon of this pitcher of water. He's been hydrating. I don't actually have anything to say, so take it away, Shane.

The Fast Times at Ridgemont, that was a good point. That was when you got an opportunity like that. In the movie, I don't agree with this, but like a hot point. When you've got an opportunity like that, like in the movie, I don't agree with this, but like a hot 17-year-old... You're talking about the pool scene with Judge Reinhold and Phoebe Cates. You've got to take your opportunity to jerk off.

Right. He just lost his job. True. He's now working for the fast food fish place. I'm just saying, and he's now working for the fish place. I'm just saying in those days, that was like striking gold. It's like, oh, here's a jerk-offable moment. Now we're – we get it. We get it every day.

Now I can just look at my phone and be like, here's porn. Back then it was like – And it just popped up in a movie like, oh, my God, she's really taking the top off. Back then it was like, holy shit. Phoebe Cates. Yeah, Phoebe Cates. Immortalized. Yeah. Thatebe Cates. Yeah, Phoebe Cates. Immortalized. Yep.

That's another one. That was a lot like fucking Back to the Future where it was like Biff was trying to rape the guy's mom again. Yeah, that's true. It was a lot like weird. It's kind of like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The whole thing was about hot kids trying to fuck. Yeah, there was abortion in Fast Times. And an abortion.

Yeah, man. Oh, shit. That's right. We moved over to the comparison between that and Back to the Future. Back to the Future is 35 years old this year. Yeah, so it's, shit. That's right. We moved over to the comparison between that and Back to the Future. Back to the Future is 35 years old this year. Yeah. So it's...

The first one. October 3rd? A little older than me. I don't know. I'm just... Come on. I am DB. God damn it.

But yeah, that's there. There's something there. So yeah, if this was the olden times, maybe I would have jerked off to her up there someday. Because there is no porn. The olden days, you had to just jerk off whenever there was an opportunity. Sans. That's what he's heard. People like us.

Yeah. You guys were like, yeah, we jerked off every time we saw a hot lady. Well, it was usually a magazine that had been stuck together and you found in the woods. But, you know. Between the mattress and box spring while your dad was at work. Any magazine in a storm. I was born right at the end of that. I started jerking off right at the end of that.

When I started jerking off, it was the beginning of the Internet. I had like a two- or three-year period before the Internet really took off. VHS porn? Just classic, yeah. One of my friends had a porno that we all jerked off to. Just classic, yeah. One of my friends had a porno that we all jerked off to. Yeah, my first porno was a reel-to-reel that my brother's friends had found in their dad's... Love film.

...fuckin' crawlspace. Your brother would... Everyone had to go to the bathroom right afterwards. We all jerked off together. Whoa! Made no bones about it. Yeah. It's not gay if you don't look at each other.

That's all. It doesn't matter. One of his friends had to go, I can't believe it. They all fucking jerked off and then went right back to conversation. Yeah. That's exactly what it was.

That's exactly what it was. That's exactly what it was. We were at a sleepover. Someone was like, yo, you guys want to watch porn? Bam. Was this a basement? Rumpus room or something? There was a rumpus room. It was a basement. Now that you bring it up, I have kissed everyone on the podcast

including Joby, Chad Shank, and Jaylee during quarantine. Kissed them right in the mouth. I'm not sure how that equates to jacking off at a slumber party. I kind of want to go at Shane's angle here with what he was talking about.

The rumpus room. Us jerking off together? I can't imagine teenagers all in a room and everyone going, no side eye, guys. Front and center. Eyes in the direction of your nose only. Yeah, I don't know.

Somehow me and my friends did that. And I also justified it perfectly. To this day, I'm like, that wasn't that weird. I don't think it was that weird, but it was. If you tell anybody you did that, everyone's like, ew. You and like four of your friends jerked off? Yeah. Yeah, I just swallowed one story.

Sitting on the couch? Nobody was sitting next to each other. Nobody was next to each other. It was a big room. Yeah, were elbows touching? No, all right. I have one story. I have one story that people know, but it's a long story. Yeah, we've got time. I have one story. That was social distancing. I have one story that people know, but it's a long story. Yeah, we've got time.

So does everyone listening. Yeah, all right. So this is – Jesus. All right. So every year, my dad – it's funny. I'm wearing a fucking Notre Dame polo for this. When I was young, my dad used to take me – It's weird you're wearing that anyway.

No, it's great. I love sports. It's not even a cotton polo. This is coaches? Authentic coaches polo? It's weird you're wearing that anyway. No, it's great. I love sports. It's not even a cotton polo. It's authentic coach's polo. It's good. Shit, you sweat through in any temperature. It's a coach shirt.

It's a track suit. Polyester. It looks comfortable. You look good in it, too. Don't let them rattle you. Anyway, me and my friends jerked off at Notre Dame. At Notre Dame? Yeah. All right.

So every year, my dad, probably for like four years, my dad would take me and my friends out to Notre Dame for the spring game. So in April, right around now, he would take us out. Because the tickets are free. It's just a scrimmage. It's just Notre Dame versus Notre Dame. Nobody's there. You can meet all the players.

What I would say is you can still go to – there's no basketball anymore, but you can still go to Notre Dame and play a sport. But we – he would rent this big fucking van. So probably like eight of my friends would come with me, and he would invite like two or three of his buddies from the bar. He would get fucked up. This particular year, he got fucking hammered at the Knights of Columbus

and invited this old guy named Cliff to come with us. And just from this, me and my friends were dickheads. Like, from the start, Cliff came into the van. He was late. He was like, hey, boys, how are you? And somebody in the back was like, Cliff's fucking gay. And everybody, you know, I was just fucking with this old dude the whole way out.

I'll keep it short, but we got out there and you know, we were fucking around. Like the whole time we're playing like tag and shit, playing football at the hotel. My dad, he's an alcoholic.

Him and his friends just went to the bar. They would leave us at the hotel or on campus all day and then come back at night. One of the nights, I saw them coming back in and they were just carrying Cliff, the old man. Like he had been fucking shot. He was passed out. He got that fucked up.

Full metal jacket. He literally got that fucked up at the bar. They just threw him in a hotel room and then went back to the bar. So now it's just one old passed out guy and me and eight of my friends. And we're in seventh grade and we're the worst kids possible. And, uh, you know,

not the actual worst kids. We didn't commit any crimes. We just, you know, jerked off and called people gay. And I haven't really changed, uh, which is disappointing.

Everyone, my, uh, this girl I was talking to listen to our podcast, me and my friend, Matt's podcast was like, and I haven't really changed, which is disappointing. Everyone, my, this girl I was talking to, listen to our podcast, me and my friend Matt's podcast, was like, you guys are just 13 year olds,

you know that, right? I was like, yeah, yeah. But, anyway, his geezer is knocked out,

he's in the bar. Yeah, pretty much. From old school. yeah, yeah, yeah. Blue! My boy!

And he, so we go into the hotel room. People are like fucking with him, like slapping him in the face, screaming. He's not really waking up. During this whole time of everybody going nuts, somebody turned porn on. Like in the hotel. In the hotel. In case you need to learn how to do CPR. Cliffs.

There's twin beds. Cliffs in one of them. There were probably seven or eight dudes in this room jerking off. And Cliff was knocked out

amongst seventh graders jerking off. And what reminded me of it was the elbow to elbow. There was a dude in the bed next to a sleeping Cliff jerking off.

And I remember it was like fucking Saving Private Ryan. You know that scene where he's like like the scene like a dude in slow motion pick up his arm. I just remember in slow motion seeing Cliff like his whole body shaking with the guy next to him jerking off. The rhythm.

Yeah, he looked like he was at sea. Like on a train. Like on a train. And this is what inspired the Jerry Sandusky story where all the kids went, let's just blame him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True. I honestly – all right. So everyone did their thing, came, and then I just remember I left the room and when I came back in this is gross but you could it stunk if seven or more dudes jerk off in a room the room smells like cum it's a fucking crazy disgusting thing

anyway all of you had a handful of cum and there was one bathroom yeah well we all didn't just at once but yes there was a slow line to the bathroom. I never thought about it until this day. Cliff was an adult. If he would have woken up, imagine the hell that you're just in nowadays. If that happened today, you'd be like, my career's over. I'm in a hotel room with a bunch of 13-year-old boys jerking off. All around me. But he woke up.

I'm tired in my career, though. I think he'd shut up. He was the circle jerk. You got to pretend to go back to sleep. Yeah. You really do. I had my friend jerked off on an airplane when he was in like sixth grade, but not in the bathroom.

He just jerked off in his seat. In his seat. And I just remember laughing, thinking about some dude just on a red-eye home, sitting next to him, waking up to it and being like, I can't tell anybody. I can't report this kid or I'm a weirdo. I just got to go back to sleep and let this kid finish. They'd assume you had something to do with it. Yeah, exactly.

You cannot report. Somehow you made this kid, you intimidated him to jerk off in front of you, and then your kick is to turn him in. It's literally, Kid Cum is the most toxic substance in the world. It's worse than uranium, dude. If it touches you, you're dead. Kid Cum. Is that a rapper? Kid Cum?

I think it's a morning radio guy. He switches the C and the K. I just remember, so everybody came and then we just went back to fucking with Cliff. Were you all, the six of you, waiting for the last kid going, come on, what? A lot of stress at work.

This doesn't usually happen to me. I've been drinking too much. There was somebody like, I swear to God, this isn't normal. The first guy, was he like, he was a pussy because he came first? No, no, no. We were all new to coming. So, if you could

come fast, that was like a badge of honor. You seem like pros. It still is. Yeah, true. I've maintained that myself. So everybody did that and then immediately went back to fucking with Cliff. There was no in-between time. I think if you

came, you just went to slapping Cliff while other people were still jerking off. Well, at least there was something to do. So everybody was done. We put an alarm clock on Cliff's head and set it for a minute later. Turn the lights off. Like a time bomb.

And everybody hid. And it was the funniest, dude. Just the waiting. You know that feeling of like hiding and just waiting? You have to pee. I remember I was laying. I know exactly where I was. I was laying on the other side of the far twin bed.

He was on the near. He was on the door side twin bed. You were in the cum freezer. I was. By the AC. There was no cum freezer. It's by the wall unit AC. Yeah.

Up against the wall. It was. But I just remember how happy I was just waiting for that alarm to go off. Like how fun that was. Yeah. The alarm goes off. Cliff doesn't wake up. So then we go back to like slapping him screaming somebody my friend dusty put a pillowcase over his hand it was like everybody

watch this pulled cliff's pants down and jumped we called it creasing it wasn't anything rapey it wasn't a malicious but he shoved his hand in his ass crack. And that woke the old man up. He just fucking woke up and was like, you fucking kids got problems. And we all ran out. Except for my one friend who got trapped in there with him. And it was the one. You trapped in there with him.

Yeah. We closed the door. But I remember the old guy. He called him young lad. The old man loved this nice kid that got trapped in there with him. In fact, my dad had very, you know, intentionally put that nice kid next to Cliff in the seats in the van, because that was the nicest kid. The rest of my friends were assholes.

This was actually like a sweet kid. And Cliff was like, young lad, help, help. So the young lad stayed and had to like, he said that Cliff asked him to help him put his pants on. Not there's again, there's nothing creepy here, but he was an old drunk man. And like old, I mean, like in his 70s. Yeah, he was just draped like a fucking mink stole over someone's fucking shoulder. Granny ain't spry.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, don't feel too bad for this guy. He got kicked out for pissing on the bar. At the bar. Like sitting like this and taking a piss. And all the kids are sitting there saying, you should have known better. And they're still talking about old cliffy wet pants. So then we went and then he locked us out.

And my dad and the rest of his friends were still at the bar. So we got locked out of the hotel room. So we went down to the front desk guy who, you know, just some weird guy working the front desk at a Kano Lodge in Mishawaka, Indiana. He's a fucking loser, too. So he's sitting there and he agrees to let us in. We're like, my uncle locked us out. So he fucking comes and lets us in. And so this is what this guy had to have seen. us in we're like my uncle locked us out so he fucking comes and lets us in and uh so he this is what this guy had to have seen he had to see like seven or eight 12 year old boys being like

we can't get into our hotel room he opened the door and it was just cliff passed out in his underwear his pants were still down tommy young lad sitting on the other bed and the room smelled like cum place a shine like a glazed donut like like some nativity scene with fucking icicles hanging off the curtains it honestly couldn't have like if you designed a tableau of a pedophilia that would be it that was the nativity of come and this guy just literally looked at us and was like all right he just sent us right back into the room yeah and then all right there's a there's a follow-up to this the next morning yeah here's the epilogue that's the story the epilogue is cliff was uh you know obviously violently hung over the next morning. And, you know, he's a man.

I would, if I was a man, imagine if you blacked out, but you still had like vague memories of like kids touching your ass. All the little boys that you were essentially on a field trip with, like touched your ass. He got me too bad. But you can't bring it up. You can't, you can't get, as a man, you can't get raped by a 12-year-old and tell anybody. Not at the bar. So,

at the end of the next day, my one friend had bought this hat, this Notre Dame snow hat, and his dad was with us as well. And his dad up front was like, let me see that hat. That's a cool hat. So my friend tried to throw it up to the front of the van, but he didn't know that there was a pack of D-batteries.

D-batteries. D-batteries are in this hat. And when he threw it, it was like a fucking slingshot. And the batteries came out and they hit Cliff in the back of the head. And Cliff, this is the next day. Cliff fucking spazzed. Like enough that the dads on the trip were like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, these are just

kids. This guy turned around. I just remember him turning around and like looking to the back and was like, you fucking kids got a lot of fucking problems. And he just went off. And all the other guys were like, what the fuck's this guy's problem? What happened to him? It was just batteries. But everybody other than the dads knew that there had been a...

An assault. An assault that this man had endured. It's the gamer maid. The smallest part of that story is more substantive than a lot of the Me Too stories that are out there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, that was a real one. There were seven of them. What was? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, that was a real one. There were seven of them. What was...

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was awesome. Yeah, that was a fun one. That was... I've done that on stage before and talked about it before, but like the...

It's like that sixth or seventh grade period where you go from not coming to... As soon as you come, it's like, all right, this is what I'm doing for the rest of my life. Yeah. This is my new thing. I found my calling. Yeah.

Yeah. That was, uh, so that was right at that time in our lives. Anyway, I have no regrets. Well, you're going to go straight into questions from the,

uh, callers. Oh no. But they're yesterday's callers all right good good good yeah you'll have questions i want to do a live thing where we get people to call in but i don't know lube or no lube on the jerking off yeah at that age no lube because i think i i i started out with a fucking, like a chick, basically. It was a thing coming off the shower head, but it was just like you put your thumb over it, you could spray it. It was no head.

It was just a tube. It was the 70s or early 80s. Like the shower head fell off? Yeah. I don't even know if they'd ever had one. It was just something you could rinse your hair with. It was some cheap fucking rubber hose thing. Yeah.

And I figured out if you could put your thumb over it and get it right at that fucking V-neck of your fucking cock head. The V-neck? Yeah, and just keep it there. Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if there was cum, it probably looked like pre-cum. Yeah. There was no load to be born.

Yeah, that's true. That is true. But I think I went from that to Vaseline. And if you are old enough to remember jacking off with Vaseline, that is a very gummy substance. Yeah, yeah. Everyone had Vaseline. Every house had it. Yeah.

It's still associated. To this day, Vaseline is still associated with anal or anything. Yeah. That's why they sold it. Well, there's only like two brands back then. Vaseline and something that you didn't buy. Spit. But yeah, I think I went to that.

Doug, we – I don't have a full recall. You were on some anniversary with Becker. You want a cigarette? I followed you up to – it was 2000, 2001. I followed you guys up to Whitefish to do that show. Yeah, it was late August 2001. How would I remember?

But we did the show. I was just tagging along because I think I might have been working with you a little bit on something. I don't remember. You had all my tapes back then. Yeah.

My website. You were doing my website probably. So we did the Limelight, which was in... Missoula. Missoula or Coeur d'Alene? Oh, wait. Oh, no, no.

Coeur d'Alene was a show. The Limeur d'Alene? Oh, wait. Oh, no, no. Coeur d'Alene was a show. The limelight that we just did in the book. Yeah. Yeah, the pepper tree in Idaho Falls. No, no. This was up near Coeur d'Alene. Missoula was the limelight. Might have been it, yeah.

But I remember going across, and then the whole time you and Becker were in one car, and I was just following you. And I remember we were in fucking Whitefish. There was nothing. There's maybe six people in the show. And I remember you asking down the bar, the whole length of the bar, whether everyone jacks off with their – Which tells you there's no gals at the Stanhope show. No, there were two blondes.

That's what I remember from that. That's right. Two hot fucking toe-headed blonde girls. Because it was a ski town. One boyfriend. It was a ski town that no one was there. I couldn't figure out which one was who's with who. But you hopscotched everyone.

You just went from one to the next of lube, no lube. Lube, no lube. Yeah. It's fucking weird. Of all the gigs you forget, I lube. Yeah. It's fucking weird. Like, just of all the gigs you forget, I remember two hot chicks at the only time I ever played Missoula, Montana 20 years ago. Wow.

Yeah, they were fucking. All right, questions. Patreon questions. You can always get onto Patreon. All these videos are available on Patreon. Just go to patreon.com slash stanhopepodcast. Nick asks, we've had questions about drinks in the past. But he wants to know if there's a signature drink and what is it?

Because John Prine's signature drink was vodka, diet ginger ale, and lemon or lime juice called a Handsome Johnny. That sounds delicious. ginger ale and lemon or lime juice called a handsome Johnny. That's what I was drinking a couple nights ago when I'm like, I get so drunk. It was fucking ginger ale and gin,

which is fucking delicious. Yeah, you sold them on it. We also sold them on white Russians and white wine. It's the fucking two whiteys. That's his nightcap. It's called the grumpy old man, two whiteys. Do you have a signature one? I mean, because you – we've talked about the drinks in the past.

We did, I think, on like the last podcast. But when you talk about the drinks you like, but is there a signature, like a number one? Because you go to – Well, no, my regular drink, vodka soda, is a splash of grapefruit. Oh, I get to squeeze those fresh grapefruit. Makes all the difference. And the clubs, the vodka doesn't matter at all. Plastic jug, if you have top shelf club soda, which is a small 10, 8, 10 ounce bottles, glass bottles of Canada Dry.

Not plastic. Or what's the other one? Schweppes. And fresh squeezed grapefruit. That's a fucking high dollar cocktail. Shane, do you have one? No. If I'm drinking cocktails,

it's usually just vodka soda. Just from a bar. Just nothing. It's easy. Lemon or lime? I usually go lime on that with vodka? no it's keep that face

scrunch your face up like that do it again because you could do Greg Gutfeld on fucking Saturday Night Live you get that crease he can't get rid of it you just occasionally make it. I haven't. You can augment it with a little special effects.

No, no. You're usually moon-faced like Olivia Grace. During the day, though. Or one of Christine Levine's kids. It's coming. There's nothing I can do to stop it. See? Fucking Norm.

Norm, what's his name? Fucking. Wilkerson, McDonald. Who's the guy from Saturday Night Live? Norm MacDonald? Norm MacDonald. No, the guy that's... Oh, Drunk Dial. No, what's the guy's name? Saturday Night Live guy. Norm? It's not Norm. That was the clue. The guy that fired you.

Lorne Michaels? Lorne. Lorne. Oh, yeah. Lorne. Whatever. The guy that fired you. Oh, Lorne Michaels. Got it. That's a drunk dog. That was the second clue. That's a drunk dog. Lorne was the first clue. You have one that matches Johnny Depp, and then you have that one that usurps it. I have Lorne.

That would usurp Johnny Depp, I think. It would trump it. Like, if we... He would, like, fucking sue us. I don't think he's ever been recorded. One party consent state. They don't think he's ever been recorded. One party consent state. They don't have to know you're recording. I assume he's a friend.

Dude, if I prank called Lorne on a podcast, that's fucking insane, dude. Yeah, it's career suicide. True, I hear you. I hear you. Look, I'm not worried about my career. I'm just... Tell him you're trying to reach Norm. I hear you. Look, I'm not worried about my career. I'm just... Tell them you're trying to reach Norm. I have that one.

Oh, sorry. I had you at Norm. That's how you started this. All right. So, yeah, we've already answered. We just answered it. I know. We're done with the alcohol. I just didn't know if you had it definitive. But it did lead to a good little bit of banter.

So, thank you for the question. Here's another Patreon question. William, do you still want to do this? No. Yeah, I definitely want to do it. I wish I would be able to counter with, what's your signature cocktail? See, I was going to say, I was trying to look for a random one. And I did say, Autumnosus.

It's real apple cider and champagne instead of orange juice. And you said, there's no such thing. You've never said that. Do you remember this? Yeah, I recall. I remember this conversation. He doesn't recall you saying, hey, I'll have another autimosa. He recalls you saying, we always talk about

autimosas. Tracy, you never heard it, right? Oh, so if you want to hear it. You know why? Because you're never up here for fucking football when it starts at 10 a.m. Because you're always doing shit. I've made your autumnos for you before. And then I had one for pineapple juice. I had a name for that, too. Pineapple juice and champagne was –

Propimosa? That's not it. Anyway, go ahead. Next question. No, it was not that. William Earl asks – not it anyway go ahead next question no it was not william earl asks oh actually this is a this is one of these things that we talk about some of the silver linings of being in a pandemic that he and his wife just attended an online funeral and you can drink openly the whole time

because you're just watching like on skype beautiful and who's that say his name william earl he's a patreon subscriber And I thought that was awesome. The things that we hope stick around after the pandemic. And I think that's definitely one of them. Fuck, I thought of one today and I can't remember it. It said that is a fucking brain eraser that sleeping on those kind of pills. I remember the dreams, but those don't translate. What was real?

Yeah, I did. I was telling him I't translate. What was real? Yeah. I did. I was telling him I woke up and it's a common thing where I'm like, I'm seeing shit that's not a dream. I'm looking at the cat laying in my bed and then I realized my eye mask is on. I'm not seeing anything. Yeah. This is not real. Let's just go back to that.

I had one this morning where i thought i read a text and then i had to in my head be like all right there's no way that person knows that yeah but it takes you a minute to process it i had chaley telling me playing me right where he's standing now playing me uh voice messages of this guy saying yeah hey cunt boy hey cunt boy you listening cunt boy and he's calling me it's inman and i go that's not inman's voice that's nicky fitz is what i was thinking in my head that's nicky fitz i should i be offended like i shouldn't care why am i getting defensive but yeah that was this morning what else you got i got another one this is by the way i'm paraphrasing these so that we get down to it

yeah because you have to truncate a lot of these fucking email shannon willis dirges uh this is more of a suggestion and i agree with this that's why i'm putting in it was so cool to hear bingo's voice maybe she could do a joke from her joke book every day so we can hear her too. She loved her P&Q joke, whatever. Just a suggestion. I thought... We talk about it when we're drunk.

Yeah, but it would be good to throw it because I've been putting in daily pictures that I get from Bingo at the Quiet House. Did you get today's? I did not, but I got a couple from the other day with Gretchen that I pulled off Twitter. She did one today. It's on her Twitter feed.

She tweeted it. She's finally tweeting now that I'm not. Now that she's got nothing to do. Do you remember Dag Soros? Oh yeah. Is that how you say his name? Yeah. Dog Soros.

Dog Soros. He's fucking great. Ask Doug. He says ask Doug. This was a kid, Shane, that he's from Norway, and he put a tour together, and he opened for me. But he was doing his shit in Norwegian. Oh. And then I started doing one of his bits right after I left because they still have row 13.

And I was like, I noticed it on SAS Airlines. And I was like, I've heard the bit since. But I started doing it for a minute when I got to the UK. A couple of shows I did. And then someone accused him of stealing my bit. And he goes, I've been doing that bit. I go, I didn't know you're doing that bit. I just noticed it someone accused him of stealing my bit. And he goes, I've been doing that bit. I go, I didn't know you were doing that bit. I just noticed. So I had to go out. No, I

stole his bit if I stole Spokane. I never even looked for it. They don't do Row 13 on airlines? No, they actually do on Delta here. But I just happened to notice. Science Airlines still has Rotherton. So, Dag, he brings up a good point here.

He's just going to recap something that you'll obviously remember. There's no way you can't remember this. But I want to hear this. Ask Doug if he remembers getting diagnosed with breast cancer in Trondheim, Norway. Trondheim. Trondheim, Norway. Trondheim. Trondheim. He also borrowed an audience member's hook for a hand during the gig

and kept it for the rest of the show. The poor bastard had to come back on stage and grovel to get it back. Then we tried to steal a boat to go whaling. Okay, that story, though, is stealing a boat to... Fuck you, Dog Sorceress. You didn't read fucking This Is Not Fame?

That fucking whole story is in there. Yeah, we tried to steal a boat. What about the hand? The hook of the hand? I don't remember the hook hand, but I do remember the fucking fake leg in San Antonio. That's more recent. Yeah, I was chugging fucking cocktails out of this guy's artificial leg

stump sump pump. Stump sump pump. I think that's a word now. Yeah, but thank you, Dog, for your question. That reminds me to plug the Audible versions of Digging Up

Mother, This Is Not Fame, because the A audible versions are so much better because we go off the written page and into people that were actually there. Sorry we couldn't get to Norway to have you chime in of shit I forgot about stealing the boat in Trondheim, because you could have filled us in on the audible version with your broken perfect English that Norwegians have. You know, I just realized because of the current climate, it might turn into a thing where we have to get people to send their – we have to do a Skype thing or something. Yeah. That's the weird thing. That's the weird thing. All the people that I'm planning on drunk dialing when we do our drunk dial podcast are people I'm terrified to ask if they would kindly chip in on the new audible book. But when you see how fucking good it is, unlike the last one, I didn't.

Okay, go ahead. You ready for another one? Here's another Patreon question from Jeffrey. Question, can you play the mattoid for old time's sake? And isn't V-Lake coming out here next year? I heard he's back in the country or something. No, no. It wasn't in 2020. I think it was definitely sometime in 2021 because it was so far off that I'm like, let me know.

Because he's from a white country and if Trump gets reelected, he'll still be allowed. The Finland are the best people ever. But the reason we don't play that. I can kind of. Hang on. I've got a memory coming back. You can do an impression of who last night or the night before. I was doing Louie.

Oh, yeah, you do. Save it. Mostly Louie, though. Better than Louie. Tease him. No, don't do it. We're going to tease him with that fact. Because if you drunk dial Louie, I won't do it.

I can't. It's for charity. It would be weird if I... I will say that. You should do it. It would be weird if I – All right. I will say that. Yeah, I might do it then. You should do it. It would be weird if I did it.

Like Skank Fest. When I read about what goes on at Skank Fest and I'm like, I can't do that. That's almost like jackass shit. Stapling shit to your balls or something. I don't know what happened. I don't fuck with that either and I love Skank Fest. But I go – If I went, I would try to one-up them.

And now, since you go, I won't do it, now I want to do it. I want to be king of the skanks fest one day. You would be. If you were there, it would be like Cliff's hotel room. There'd be cum everywhere if you showed up. Teenage cum. There'd be young men's cum everywhere if you went to skank fest. I was excited for you.

I was, too. We were going to do. I'm glad I canceled first, because they would have Skank Fest. I was excited for you. I was, too. We were going to do. I'm glad I canceled first because they would have canceled on me. Yeah, it's good. We were going to do a podcast. It was going to be good. You know why I canceled? Because I go, I'm going to get so fucked up, I'm going to make an asshole of myself.

No. I don't even remember the one Skank Fest I was at. That's why it's not in the book. You got to do it. I do. Hank Fest I was at. That's why it's not in the book. You got to do it.

I do. But also, I had to get back and finish the book because that was when I had a real deadline. And now I'm just getting it to them quicker than they could ever get out here to fucking have someone record it. Go ahead, Chaley. We have to take a break. I'm running out of space on the thing here. Oh, well, let's just wrap it up. All right. We'll just save your questions. We're running out of space. So that's a good time to take a break. I'm running out of space on the thing here. Oh, well, let's just wrap it up. All right. We'll just save your questions.

We're running out of space, so that's a good time to close it up. Take us out of here. Bingo. And we'll see you to marry. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.