The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#383: Glenn Wool of the Villagey Village

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Doug calls comedian Glenn Wool for a peek into life in a Villagey Village. This is Day 19 of Doug Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout. Recorded April 20th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Glenn Wool (@glennwool), Ms. Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Glenn Wool - http://www.glennwool.com/Watch Glenn Wool - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWhXomGZipQVisit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hello. We have Glenn Wool. While his child is wearing quarantine. Where's your baby? Where's your dumb baby? He's sleeping in his bed. It's 10 o'clock.

You mad, man? Wait, I thought you were in Vancouver. No. No, I'm in the Essex countryside. Wait, you're back in London? Well, no. I'm in the countryside. But that's the UK, right? Essex? I thought you moved back to Canada. I'm in the countryside. But that's UK, right? Essex?

I thought you moved back to Canada. I did. I did. But we had to move back to England really quickly. Sadly, my wife's sister passed away. Oh, great. Thanks. Thanks for opening with that. Well... I'm kidding. i'm kidding i'm kidding sorry oh is she there listening no no okay all right i did not i had to uh i had to move back to the uk on three days notice to beat uh to beat the lockdown oh shit yeah i had one of those i had to flee san francisco when they

said they were shutting the town down i didn't know if that meant i have to stay here so i fucking got an uber and directly to the fucking airport at midnight everything's shut down fuck Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. It was one of those, like, this isn't a fucking dream. That happened. I'm just popped out into the English countryside. That's very strange. Last I saw you was at Heathrow when Olivia Grace and I were doing we spent a like a 24 hour we got there a day early and just stayed at that airport yotel and we're just cruising all over the every terminal bar

hopping and then we ran into you and your baby and your wife yeah and not just it was month that was actually like august or something yeah yeah it's like six or seven i was supposed to be back in canada for a year so it wasn't it wasn't totally weird that i'd move back like the the plan was always there but just to uh the rushed nature of it but you know you moved all your shit back to canada Is all your shit still in Canada? Yes. Been wearing the same shirt for a while? Yeah, but that's more

locked up than anything. I've got many pairs of underwear here. No need to change them? That's a year's supply. Yeah. I don't know Essex from shit over there.

I mean, if you're locked down... The countryside? I'm thinking American werewolf in London countryside. Almost. Almost. It's called Finchenkill, and it has been voted the best village in England

like three years running. It is so villagey. It's unbelievable. It's very villagey. It's unbelievable. It's very villagey. Yeah. The one thing I do have is a bicycle. So I'm taking long bike rides through the countryside.

It is the quaintest. And it's got this wartime feel to it, too, where everyone's stitching in. I ride my bicycle up and down the hills of Essex.

Very cool. This wouldn't actually be much of a news break from Finchingfield, but are there any cases over there? Like where are you?

I don't know. It's tough to, it's tough. We have had a problem. It's quite a destination for motorcyclists. I know it has been. Like, they just, they like the green or something, but because of the lockdown, they've still got as many numbers as they do, but there still has been congregating bikers.

But not even like bikers like you'd think. Not like anybody but loose. Cyclists, motorcyclists, motorcycle enthusiasts. Yeah, like they're fucking dressed like Power Rangers, but then they take their helmets on and off, and they're like 60 years old. It looks like a pedophile trap. Trying to get a kid to come sit on their lap. They can't.

I mean, they've got super bikes, but you see them wobble out with them. So they're obviously accountants in the day. Just fucking nerds. And they're out of towners dragging the fucking virus in. Can you shoot them like Easy Rider? Yeah. Some breach barrel shotgun? Yeah.

Farmer fucking, what do you call those? Anyway. Yeah. Fucking, what do you call those? Anyway. Yeah. They seem a bit shocked by me because we're actually, we're living in my wife's father's house. They've moved to France.

And so we were able to get this place. And they ran like an antique shop. And he was constantly arguing with them, just trying to get them to stop parking their fucking motorbikes in front of his antique shop. Who wants to go in and buy an ancient clock with these geeks

staring at each other's hosepipes? The fucking antiques over there are called new releases. Get it here first. Well, yeah. Because you look like a biker, but you're dressed like an accountant. Yeah, so Peter used to just fucking hustle him out of the front of his business

so they got used to him and they're all they're all apparently connected on the internet and when you know they were like oh i really upset the antique shop owner in the way like i mean i'm from a place where bikers would be embarrassed if that was the tough thing that they did you know if you're a fucking sitcom biker at that point we got me and the yeah there's the cake shop lady and the antique shop owner, they're scared of us. Now I'm yelling at them from the window and they're looking up at me like, well, that guy's more of a biker than we are.

What are you drinking? Gin and tonic. It's early here, so we're doing mimosas on an empty stomach. Yeah. I think we're probably similarly drunk. I'd imagine.

I'm a parent. I've been nibbling at drunkness all day long. How old's that child now? Oh, God. Why you gotta test me? I can't remember if it could talk or not

when I saw it at the airport. Nah, nah, it's close to work now. It's, you know, it understands what you say, but he's two and a half now. He'll be three in November. But I don't know what fucking date it is. How long have you been there, roughly?

About a month. A month. It's not bad. It's not bad.'s not bad do you have you made any friends the ladies in the post office are enamored by me they like the accent i did i couldn't believe it I walked in there today to purchase some more gin at the post office

yeah it's one of those it's a villagey village Doug I could buy some guinea fowl some gin I could post a letter it's got everything Some guinea fowl, some gin. I could post a letter. It's got everything.

Everyone I know, I mean, the refrain, if I had a nickel for every person who said, yeah, quarantine, self-isolation, that's what i do it wasn't until i talked to you thinking about being stuck with the fucking ball and chain old lady and a child in a fucking village in the outback of england yeah you you get some serious uh fucking all work and no play makes johnny a dull boy shining shit in your head. Yeah. Yeah. I sometimes wonder if I've just created a reality. I tell you what, and this goes to, it happened just before the lockdown. I had a dream where my son was of the age to leave the house, like he was going to college. And it was so vivid. It was absolutely like, and we made like the little joke that we shared, but I was destroyed inside.

And I remember him like walking up and leaving in the car. And I remember in the dream wishing there was some way that I could just go back to when he was little. And that's when the dream ended. And that's when I heard him playing in the hall as a two-year-old. And I got up and I had such a play with him. Like, I really, absolutely. So I reckon, and what we're going through now is like a Faustian deal of my own perception. And that's why it sucks around the edges like trump's in charge

it's just because i i think in many ways that's what you deserve as a nation uncaused it where's our bell where's our ding bell because that we should have around the first yeah yeah first mention of faust on the 377 podcast episodes. Faustian is the first time it's been spoken. We figured out we're doing a bingo game. Cross off Faust. Put a link to the Wikipedia page for our listeners so they know what Faustian is. I reckon

a lot of them think I've referenced the Canadian singer Feist. Hey, speaking of Canadian singers, I have to drop Nickelback in every podcast now. Do you know I interviewed that guy once? Which one?

Chad? Yes. Yeah, we got Mike. Got his brother. Is he in a Nickelback cover band? No, he's the only one without a direct link personally on the Nickelback Wikipedia page. Every member of the band. Has their own link. But Mike doesn't. But he answers my calls all the time.

He's the bass player. Wicked cool. Well that's what. I was doing a radio interview. In Denver. And the. Producer came in. And talked to the DJ.

Because they were doing a Nickelback giveaway. And one of the things that you won... And they're still waiting for that seventh caller. Yeah. He's dead for Doug. He has many, many callers. But no, because he went, one of the prizes that he won was to be able to talk to Chad

Kroger. He was going to call you and he's, so the producer came in and said, well, there's a guy on the line and he says he's Chad Kroger, but I don't really know. Like, he seems too nice. Well, I'm Canadian.

I can quiz him on Canadian subjects and we'll get to the bottom of whether or not it's him. I asked him all these Canadian questions and he was like, why are they all 10 years old? I haven't lived there for a long time. It'd be funny if Nickelback was calling in to win Nickelback shit. Backstage, we don't even have a green room at that venue

I want to get backstage with me yeah it's like when you do a giveaway online oh everybody answers there's only one DVD to give to one lucky anybody

everyone gets a DVD a whole visit I won 20 tickets to the comedy club free appetizers how many gigs did you have to fucking cancel uh

still we're still working on it did you have to fucking cancel? There's still... Yeah, we're still working on it. But yeah, it was weird because I'd sort of taken a month off right before this happened. You know, you can't predict it. But yeah, all the Canadian ones have gone in

and I've brought two. We're booking up North Korea because I assume they have zero cases since they just won the Stanley Cup I keep forgetting because I keep in my head shuffling to my B plans.

You know, like, if you're in a place and sometimes things are getting dry, you're like, oh, wow, I'll just tell my Asian people and go there for a couple months. Yeah, I doubt it. I was in Wuhan last year. Where? Oh, really? Yeah. Fucking spreader? Yeah, probably.

I hope so. I would love it if that's how I got famous. Typhoid wool. Yeah. Do you have your own bartender? No. Oh, see? That's why you're going to run out of that gin and tonic.

I'm going to have to cover for you while you dip off screen. No, we talked about it. Remember, Glenn? We made a Faustian deal to where after – I don't even know what fucking Faustian means. At about 20 minutes, we were going to take a break, step down so he could quietly tiptoe over and get a gin and tonic and not wake the baby. I rode in my freshman rider. I was in the ventilation.

I was not. Have you had a fight with the wife since you've been locked up? Yeah, it's not. No, not really. She's nervous. I mean, her husband's job

is the one, like everybody else, is to say, oh, that'll start again. I need that. There's nothing essential about my stand-up comedy. Start writing biker jokes and antique jokes.

You get a crowd every weekend. I thought of a way to troll them. I was going to put on a concert, like an ACDC cover band concert. I got a lot of time to think though.

But get them all, get them all out there circulating, enjoying it. And then drop like a Nambla banner. Bikers for Nambla. I have a lot of pictures taken because at that point if you the dynamics of an ACDC concert with a little schoolboy running around with a guy in a

flat cap kind of chasing him and beating him up. So maybe we could do a Kickstarter to find this practical joke on the bikers. And I was thinking, too, if you sent, like, the Angus Young lookalike to get pictures on their bikes beforehand. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Fuck you, Angus Young lookalike to get pictures on their bikes beforehand. How many people are in your village?

I'd say maybe 500. It's kind of tough to, you know. Yeah, welcome to the big city of 4,500. Yeah. Well, I went on my bicycle to Thackstead, which is, you know, maybe like 5,000 or whatever, but I encountered like four cars because they've been so secluded about like, oh, I'm in the big smoke now.

There's a bus. Oh, what a perfect time to drink ourselves to death. I know. He'll say it's Corona-related. I'm glad I didn't come into this with, like, some, you know,

if I had quit drinking, like, a month before and actually kept myself to it, my God, like. There would be 497 people alive in this village. Slowly. They wouldn't even know who the killer was. I would just slip out every night.

Start picking off the ladies at the bus stop because I don't know what love means. Oh, you've been talking to Shawcroft? You don't know what love means. That was her refrain. Oh, yeah? Did she remember to put her teeth in?

Yes. She showed me pictures of her. She made me laugh just telling me how she lost them. She fell over and, like, dunked her mouth on someone's truck. She tripped going over a curb and then just like yeah yeah initially lost him i thought you meant her replacement her partials she came to bisbee and we're going to do a show and of course she's late and we're parked in the street outside of her house i'll go get her and uh we go up there she's just getting out of the shower.

We're all in the fucking van for a gig in Bisbee. And I'll be right there. I'll be right there. And then she comes out, a sweating mess, fresh out of the shower. She's already sweating. And she goes, okay, let's go. And I go, you don't have your teeth in. You forget your teeth.

She's lost her partials like four times on airplanes. She takes them out and puts them with the magazines and shit. Oh my God. Yeah, and the seat back. The seat back thing, yeah. Left them in there. Can you imagine what the truck driver felt?

Well, all he would have felt, like, you know, maybe he's pulled over to get a couple of muffins or whatever, and just here's like to look over his shoulder walking dead and started yeah she's walked out with more facial contusions than even Sean Rouse, where she just took headers and just

bruised and missing teeth. Doug, I don't even know if you know this. Brett Erickson told me that Shawcroft, like, last week... For the listeners, Shawcroft was Hedberg's wife. And she's in Hollywood in the area that the Bretchells live.

She contacted him because she went to the comedy store and called him and goes, why is it closed? She had no idea what was happening in the world that would cause the world famous comedy store to be closed

on a Wednesday night. Why was there no traffic? Yeah, she said, I just love that the guy goes out and he sees Shawcroft with no teeth and then he looks down at his bumper and he sees two rows of teeth stuck to his bumper.

Shawcroft, I love. I find her endlessly hilarious and we have uh similar picadillos about people we can gossip for fucking hours uh but she's just such a fuck up yes i love her too. I speak these things out of a place of love to you. Yes, we pick on those we love. Exactly. Especially when complete fucking train wreck fuck-ups. Well, we can't have anybody normal

because we wouldn't have anything to do. They'd just bore us. That's how you know you're fucking nothing. There's nothing to say about them. What's the point of them? Didn't even notice you were in the room.

Yeah. Alright, well, yeah, go get a drink. Tiptoe. He doesn't look fat as I thought he would. You're still on camera. We'll just stay up, bud. Oh, there you go.

He's a big boy. I've never watched the comedians, comedians, comedians. I would say that I don't want to plug that because we did that show and i for me i know it was uh yeah it's a terrible terrible you and uh and uh morgan murphy and brendan walsh so i had two really fat i don't i don't think they were recent fathers back then

but they both got fat like they were i don't know if they have two and a half that was march of 2017 so yeah i don't glenn didn't have a baby then brendan didn't they just got fat in anticipation of a baby maybe they had babies to justify how fat they go oh it, I'm still losing the baby weight. You're the dad. The dad can get baby weight. All the time. But yeah, I have two bearded, fat, white guys

and Morgan Murphy. Yeah, I felt racist and unprepared I did that show that was the show I did that was Austin it was the first show I did including any kind of open mic

I didn't do anything from October when we got done in 2016 through bingo's coma and then my first show was a special I'm being paid way too much money to host it's like that see so especially it was actually i'll wait till uh glenn gets back but i was gonna say it's like that nightmare that like in this covid lockdown that all this you have

a nightmare where like all of a sudden you have a gig tonight and you're completely unprepared. Yeah, it's over. That gig you assumed was cancelled is back on. Fuck, man. No, there's a car on the way to get you. Do you know that a CISO special was the last thing,

the last comedy thing that aired on that streaming service before they finally buckled and fell beneath the waves. I'm used to it. I knew once they'd taken a shine to me, I'd be like, well,

that's just a poor business model. Yeah, I, I, I, fuck, I closed out a lot of shows. I closed out Seeso.

I was the last guy on – fuck. Well, they pulled you from Netflix. You're not on Netflix anymore. Yeah, I'm not on Netflix anymore. And everyone. It's all cyclical anyway. But at this point, you'd think they're throwing anything they used to have i don't know how netflix works i know the new special is coming out in the next couple of weeks

and uh that's that's just us we're just putting it out early we gotta put it on i don't i don't know i don't know i don't know how it works. Ask Hennigan. It's just going out. iTunes or something? Self-produced is what... That's the quick answer, but I also don't know what that means on how it will get to the end user. We had a deal

for streaming, but it wasn't going to go out anytime soon. It's almost a fucking year old. I'm like, yeah, just put it out. People are watching now. I'd rather have them watching. I guess I should call Hannigan and just

get the details. Yeah, you should call Hannigan. He called me today and he told me a bunch of stuff and I was, you know, glaze over. What the fuck? I don't care. I saw it again in LA.

That's not a show crowd. I wrote a bunch of jokes for them. For Julie's roast. Roast. Yeah, February. All right, so that's pretty recent. Yeah, yeah. That was the last.

Yeah, I kind of got back to Vancouver and then just had to fuck off. It was weird. I don't remember enough. Like, Julie, like, if she's in the room, I can roast her. I can roast what she just said, but I don't know enough details about her life that I could. But I think it was Olivia Grace was supposed to do it. And she was out here

and working on some shit, and she's like, I can't go to L.A. I got a fucking deadline for this thing. And so as soon as Hennigan found out Olivia Grace was canceling at the last minute, he called to felch all the jokes she'd already written.

Yeah. I wrote one for him. Because Jeff Ross was there. What was it? Because he does bumping mics with a towel closest his mic has ever been to relevant laughing

laughing I was sitting I was sitting beside him and he's one of the hand against me and Jeff's like oh you got me and I was like no oh, you got me. And I was like, no, Jeff, I got you. Let me say it.

You didn't know who I was. We're just, the killer is in your row. He's like right there. He doesn't even know. That's the sweetest plum. He doesn't even know. That's the sweetest plum. We were just talking about that on one of these fucking podcasts or at this bar about the speech writers that probably wrote, I have a dream or ask not what your country can do.

There's some fucking nebbishy kid sitting in the audience. I wrote that. He never wrote shit. Not a writer. Yeah. I wrote that. He never wrote a kid. Not a writer. Yeah. Yeah. He bombed with it at Mike's for fucking years.

Just couldn't make it work. And then a real personality came along. Yeah. Are you even bothering writing Corona material no I've been doing some

tweets but I'm not gonna yeah I don't think anybody wants to see an hour of what it was like to be in a lockdown when something such a shared experience uh yeah well that's like 9-11 was a weird thing where you couldn't like you can make jokes about coronavirus no nobody's gonna go you know viruses have feelings and

when we do have audiences again, of course, you're going to have to address the elephant in the room, but every comic is going to be like a fucking racehorse trying to get out there and do their Corona shit first. And it's going to be burned out on Twitter

or a million Zoom live from my living room shows. Yeah, with two viewers. If you did it on Zoom, you'd probably do it again. Not really burning material there. No, just getting to see how you look on stage. Yeah, we get this kid, Shane Gillis. You know, he's the kid that got fired from Saturday Night Live.

Yes. Yeah, he drove out from fucking Pennsylvania. So he's staying. He's riding out the storm out here in the guest house. Wow. He's like, him and Olivia were talking over a fence and a street because separation. But, yeah, that's what I miss the most is comedy. And that's what I miss the fucking least.

I'm so happy my gigs got canceled. Did you not take the opportunity when he got down to the compound to go, we were going to let you in, but then we found this old clip of you. I'm sorry. Did you really get out of your car in Lordsburg and use the restroom? Sorry, we can't let you in. It's not that we don't think you need a place to stay. It's just that others don't think you need a place to stay. The tribe has spoken.

Yeah, a bunch of people who don't actually live here don't want you to live here. And you should totally do that to him today, by the way, if he's there. He's doing another podcast over in the guest house. Oh, he's doing well. Got a big one. If we had an Asian that lived in town, we could have them come over and go. Protest? Yeah.

Pick it up. Wait, we do. Tweet. Tweet. Yeah, tweet. I wonder if we could get her to protest outside the house against shame killers. Let's just get a big order from the Vietnamese restaurant in town. Fantastic food. Let's just get an order and have her do it when she delivers it.

Oh, they don't deliver. They do pick up. They do the takeout. We could pull up and have her come out and go, no, not him. I assume she speaks in a fully American accent. No, no, she's straight up Vietnamese.

That's even better. Is it Bert Kreischer that does the thing where he can guess every Asian? He does that as a crowd rap thing where there's Asians in the audience. You're Filipino. You're Taiwanese. It's his thing.

I'm good at guessing ages. His is guessing which kind of Asian. Geographically where they're from? Yeah, yeah. Are you Thai? Are you Cambodian? Seems like he's been working for the government. No, he should be.

He might be. Let's talk to James Inman and see if there's a conspiracy theory on that. I think I could guess. I think I could do that. Have you done a lot of Southeast Asia? Well, you did. I could guess. I think I could do that. If I needed to. Have you done a lot of Southeast Asia? Well, you did. Fucking Wuhan. Wuhan or whatever it's called.

Wuhan. Yeah. I could still... Where Tom Rhodes? Where Tom Rhodes? Bring out Tom Rhodes. Bring out Tom Rose. Fulton is another guy. Dave Fulton is another guy that was kind of a trailblazer

of Chinese treble gigs. He's not but him and his wife adopted a baby from Africa that was not adoption that was what he got as payment

because they were a little short on the door here's a baby the baby's the door. Here's a baby. The baby's name is Door. It's a door deal. I don't know if any of this is really funny, or if I'm just day drunk on an empty stomach. Don't question it.

Just go with it. I, as you can tell, I have the... I'm at the end of my coronavirus haircut, which I did a patch at a time every day. Just shave a patch. Now we're down to just this, pretty much. But you can just let your hair grow out, because you're Canadian,

so I can see a little bit of that mullet starting to rock. I know. I know. It's going to be wonderful. And there's not a goddamn thing anybody can say about it. It's just not an thing you can understand. My wife's not happy about it. I've never been happier.

I've been angling for it. Hey, these are my stretch marks, bitch. Yeah, it's just where it wants to be. A lot of the time, your personality, if you just wouldn't touch your hair, you'd find out what you're supposed to look like. You don't get to, oh, I want to be longer, I'll get a cut. No, just let it rip. Chaley never did explain to me why we had to do this so early. Now it all makes sense.

No, I did, but, Doug, honestly, he's in the UK now. never did explain to me why we had to do this so early now it all makes sense but doug honestly i said he's in the uk now well that's why we have to do it at two because it's gonna be like eight or nine o'clock their time well you you have to say that repeatedly over and over and wake me up at breakfast with that written on the napkin remember when you shaved your head in the UK? Remember that night? Oh, my God. Glenn Wool and I had a fucking night. Wait, wait, wait. Is that the night we fucking hurled trash bags off the fifth floor into the street?

You were saying that the other night, but I want the full story. What happened? Well, we were getting fucked up. We were in a gay apartment. Wait, was this for Edinburgh or something? No, it was London. And I was playing the – it's not Leicester Square. I was playing the other one.

It's really steep where Glenn Hamburger plays in the theater district. Soho? Soho. Yeah, the Soho. So I think that's where I was playing. And and Hennigan, it was like cusp of Airbnb days. There was. So he found this. It was like a theater district. Hey, you can rent my flat kind of Airbnb situation before Airbnb. kind of Airbnb situation before Airbnb.

But it's the theater district. So we had the gayest apartment. There were statues of guys making out in the place. It was a gay apartment. Or a flat. Whatever the fuck.

Yeah, that would do it. Not only were there statues, there was like half-done painting of homosexual experiences. Like they can only get so far with the painting. It was fucking

Mapplethorpe's fucking cheat den. Yeah. The guy was so dissatisfied with the amount of gay art on his wall, sometimes he'd get up and have to create more. I remember there was a CD that we stole. I think we actually sold it on an eBay yard sale called Hamburg Leather Party.

And it had bears on the cover and fucking big fat bears. And I still... Hamburg Leather Party. Hamburg. We didn't listen to it. We just made up what the songs must sound like. Like gay rave in Hamburg, Germany. This stuck out enough

that Hennegan just told us a story about Hamburg Leather Party when we were passing through Vegas a couple weeks ago. And when you said it, I'm like, I think I've heard that. Oh, maybe I own that at one time. No, Hennegan was telling a story about Hamburg Leather Party. Yeah, so me and Bingo and Glenn Wool are fucking wrecked as the sun is near coming up, or it might have been like summer or

i don't know that it's so but i remember because you had to the recycling over there is really weird and just trying to find trash over there's everything sucks over there we took a full fucking garbage bag of trash and launched it off the balcony of this penthouse fucking apartment into the street. And I remember giggling in that, that awful laughter that you get when you did something horribly, horribly wrong. We were on drugs.

We were on drugs. It wasn't one bag. It was a succession of bags where you excluded Mickey D from the story. Oh, Mickey D! Fucking love Mickey D! Australian guy, he was so fucking funny. I think Mickey was the...

If he didn't come up with the idea, he certainly forced us to do the third. What happened? We hurled this bag off, and I believe in front of a taxi rank, all these fucking London black cab drive. What the fuck, mate? I remember us

because London with the CCTV is as surveilled as a Vegas casino. But we're above it all. So we see all the cameras, and I do remember, wait, they're all facing down at the street.

No one's looking up at us. But how we rectified the angry cab drivers was there was, because one, like it was a balcony, and one went on to like a road, and the other went into uh like a nice suburban square like a garden so that the second one went over that side and the lights were turning on it was like a

like a movie of uh what's all the ruckus the doors were opening did some chap hurl a bag of rubbish into the square who would do that it must have been an accident what a sneeze

so I shaved my head What a sneeze. So I shaved my head, and he'll correct me if I'm wrong, because I believe there were two times I shaved my head and the shaver burned out. Once was Australia with Renee. I remember that, where I was shaving my head, but it was the fuck. Like the clippers. Yeah. But the shaver burned out because it wasn't the right fucking electrical, I remember that where I was shaving my head, but it was the clippers. Yeah. Yeah.

But the shaver burned out because it wasn't the right fucking electrical. Like, oh, yeah. And then I had to go on stage like my fucking earlier Corona virus haircut. I had to go out like that. I kept that. But I think it was a dissimilar thing. Yeah. You didn't get it all. you didn't get it all.

You didn't get it all. You were trying to convince me to do it. And I'm just like, I don't have the same problems as you, Doug. I don't shave my hair. I thought about it. It was on and off and on. Thank you. Is it a story?

Does it up the story if I shave mine too? And I was like, nah, we got the garbage. I don't have to go shaving my head for this guy. But that was, that was when

the third bag went over. Because it had all calmed down like the lights that had gone on in the square had gone off the cab drivers had forgotten it or gotten fares and gone so it was a new thing and we were like we could probably get you you i don't know you you had a bunch of garbage, but the third bag went over. I was a very American tourist in London where I didn't yeah,

my waist was apparent. I believe the third one hit a car and set off a car alarm and that was like, I'm going. I've never left the party cooler the drugs were done the bar alarm was going off i was like yeah this is just how i leave things nice hair do you ever

feel bad that now that you're a dad and i'm just an elderly man that we go, yeah, that's like, I don't have any good stories. I don't do shit like that anymore. I'm letting people down. No, no, I don't feel bad. If I didn't have any stories like that, I might feel like, oh, that was a wasted opportunity. But, you know, you ever seen Ali's last fights? The what? You ever seen Muhammad Ali's last fights?

Yeah, it was a live form. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes you foul out before the brain injuries. Yeah. I was

going to say James Brown. Who's the Browns running back? Jim Brown. Jim Brown. And then fucking Detroit Lions. Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders.

Good. OJ Simpson. Simpson, awesome. Just retire before you have any pre-existing injuries. Yeah, that's one thing. I'm not on Twitter at all for, I don't know, 11 more days. But, yeah, I would love to be on Twitter watching OJ Simpson's Twitter commentary about the virus.

I tell you what, I did. What are the rules of your news blackout I just after 30 days of hearing no news I want to hear it all at once have you that's interesting to me I don't care about

if there's coronavirus in Steppenfetchitville or wherever the fuck you live. What's it called? Give it a plug. I thought you were talking about Africa. No, I'm talking about where you live, Fetchitfield or Fidgetfield. It's called Finchingfield. Yeah, same thing. It's racist Pinching Field. Yeah, same thing.

It's racist. Yeah, like everything that would surprise me, I don't want to know. Like if fucking Bingo's dead or there's New World Order or the Illuminati just came out and went, all right, we got it too. Where's Bingo? Bingo's quarantined over at the Quiet House a couple blocks over. You've never been down. No, not since you got your new place.

Wait, you've been to Bisbee? Oh, yeah. I came to Super Bowl. Oh, that. I came to Super Bowl. Oh, that's right. Fuck you. All right, sorry. You had a lot of people over that day.

No, I do remember a morning on the patio with you. Oh, it was good. It was good. And I was there for the cleanup. It was like maybe five of us in the house, and you just found random heroin. Wow, I didn't remember that. Yeah. Was Shawcroft at the same party? How do we know heroin?

Was it labeled? Somebody you knew amazingly knew what heroin smelled like. I can't remember who it was, but they did like a quick like, and they were like, yeah, no, it's heroin.

And I was drunk. I was like, yeah, fuck it. And everybody a quick like, and they were like, yeah, no, it's heroin. And I was drunk. I was like, yeah, fuck it. And everybody else was like, no, we just flushed down the toilet. I was like, yeah, I was flushed down the toilet. Andy evidently wasn't here for that one. He was. He was. That was the one. He was the one saying, don't flush it down the toilet. Yeah,. That was the one.

He was the one saying, don't flush it down the toilet. Yeah, he was. No, he was sleeping at whatever off that day. But that was the one. There was a really large kid there, like a really fat kid. And I bet Andy that. Child? Yeah, like a 13-year-old.

Like unbelievably large. One block Ben's kid, maybe? I don't know. But I wanted to know if Andy could tackle him in a football environment. Oh, yeah, that was one block Ben's kid because he was a football player. Yeah, and that was the only time i'd ever

seen you not go for the story i i don't know like andy andy got out of his wheelchair he had a All these facts are checking out. Absolutely accurate. Andy in a wheelchair with a football helmet on it saying, take this 13-year-old fat boy. Yeah, that checks out. Clean paint is always the worst. So what happened? Go ahead and tell us what happened it tackled the

frat kid that was the only thing that was going to happen obviously he'd lost his heroin earlier that day no that wouldn't have been his heroin he would have stolen that heroin

but as they say his 910 No, that wouldn't have been his heroin. He would have stolen that heroin. Okay. He stole some heroin and misplaced it. Sorry, I talked over you. He'd stolen some heroin, misplaced it, and now he's going to tackle a fat kid. That's how you make them play. You've got to know how to pull the strings on him. Those are the kind of challenges you need to give away.

Nickelback tickets. Hey, if you want Nickelback tickets, tackle the fat kid with the heroin. Seventh caller. seventh caller yeah out of out of the out of the

all the things that happened at the party that was the only thing I could trace that would make something fall out of a pocket so I'm pretty sure that's how the heroin

got mislaid oh my nose is running just going through these stories. Phantom drip. Yeah. Yeah, I do miss it. What are you going to tell your kids about these stories when you're your kid?

Sips and bumps. That's it. If you want to know what my idea about booze or drugs is, it's not don't do it, but just learn how to sip, learn how to bump. You know, like, you think about all the people who taught us

how to drink or take drugs. It's all, like, teenagers. Bum, bum, bum, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, these fucking London lines. Just take your key. There you go. Yes. Smart.

God damn it. That's, oh, can we play any of his shit? No, I don't want to fucking make you do. Yeah, no, we get into the fucking issues. Honestly, copyright issues happen, especially with video. Your bit. Find Glenn Woolz. Do you know the name of that track where you do the fucking bit

about the guy holding the key bump? Fucking orchestra conductor. It was one of the fucking most legendary bits of all time I know I think it might be called the conductor position but if you

like when they send me the royalties that's the one bit you can get it right down to what time people are buying it at. You can just tell that it's just fucking dudes railed off their heads going,

I got it. I found it. I found it. This is you. This is you. This is what you just did to me yeah that's probably what he's doing as he's holding back the lines he goes just listen to this listen to this a little bit i remember him doing it i remember the first time i saw just a second of you was my first time at edinburgh or one of the times the first time I saw just a second of you was my first time at Edinburgh or one of the times, the first time I saw you

at Edinburgh where Hennigan made me go and you have to watch Glenn Wool and the bit that you were doing was about doing cocaine and acid at the same time and you said that's the last thing you want when you're

hallucinating confidence. Hang on. Chaley doesn't remember that I don't have my contacts in so he's sending me a... Alright, we're at an hour so we're going to wrap up.

I don't want to. You don't want to you don't want to give you a time check because you don't have your glasses in all right we're at a fucking hour i'm gonna be drunk by three it's three i got one of my three weather girls that sent me a fucking um weather update because i don't even want to go online. I don't want to like a couple of news things have snuck past me. So. So, yeah, I got like Bingo's sister works for the National Weather Institute and she'll send me at our local weather lady. So she's like, yeah, this is a day to be out in the sun.

It's 75 degrees and there's no fucking wind. So, yeah, go out and get a tan on that fucking freshly shorn head. So I think I'm going to do that. Maybe eat for the first time today. Are you going to go bang your wife and squeeze out a fucking Corona brother? Are you flirting with me? Listen, we have to repopulate the earth. This place looks like the end of 28 Days Later.

I enjoy your glass, sir. I'm gonna go... I just drooled. I just fucking drooled. See? See where that line in the chin is? I don't know if your camera's blurry or...

Your eyes are weird, bro. I see it. You gotta finish it. Scull it! I gotta have a respectable drink. Respectable? I can't.

I can't drink at all. I'll get in trouble. In so many ways. It's like high school again, where you got to fill it back up with water. She drinks it. You can't do it. You should start drinking something she just tests. Well, we got day drunk in honor of your night drunk.

Thank you. And I feel like I'm day drunk, so I will use it as an excuse to drink into the night. It's three o'clock somewhere. Sophie's choice as a closer. Sophie's choice. a closer Sophie's choice this continues on you have to eat the wife or the baby well the baby would taste better are we talking about

emotions or just what would be better? No, no, no. I think you answered instinctively, and that's how they get you. I love you. I miss you. I miss you, too. You have to come to the wonderful confines of England again,

and I'll take you around the countryside. I still have those dates on the books. On the books. October. Well, have you got an opener? No, I have a headliner. I'm going to open for you. Oh.

You want me to drink a bottle of gin again, show off the glass cup. Last time I had no material was that same special we did. I was the host. We'll do that again. I'll put you on the fucking

chopping block. Well, I'm available for anything. Any comedic thing you need. You need a fucking clown twisting balloons. I'm learning to ride a bicycle, a motorcycle, and I like antiques. So maybe I'll see you soon. and I like antiques, so maybe I'll see you soon. I believe both of those things when I went to your flat in London.

I love you all. We'll have Bingo take us out of this and we'll talk soon. All right, buddy. All right. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. guitar solo that was fucking great. Yeah. Thanks, man.

Yeah, we've done a few of these. We're just getting used to video. But I wish I had this on my phone like kids do. I would just FaceTime. I don't have any of that, but it's kind of fun. You do have it. You just don't know how to use it. Yeah, I don't know how to use it. There's a difference.

Yeah, it's like an astral projection. Yeah. Somebody knows how to do it. I know. But at the same time, we've been doing a lot of drunk dialing, and I wake up going, oh, I'm glad they didn't answer. I was going to say that me and Shane are he knows Shane Gillis Glenn I'm sorry I thought Shane was going to be available

for the podcast but he does another podcast with a buddy of his named Matt yeah he's doing other podcasts like other people's like everyone's like hey will you do yeah fucking Jim and Sam

and stuff yeah like what to promote what what am i gonna tell you i'm fucking everyone has no stories we have stories together but like recently we're having too much fun reminiscing but have you fucking ever seen rammstein in concert no oh but this is the only reason i know who that is is the guy that booked one of our uh uh scandinavian tours was in the biggest rammstein cover band hennigan abused this guy so badly where i like i was i i'm buying new mcdonald's to apologize for Brian Hennigan. You don't even fucking realize how much a fucking... Hennigan could be a cocksucker.

And yeah, that was... What was his title? Geyer Norby. Wow. You ever have those moments where you go, I wouldn't ever remember this if I wasn't drunk. Geyer Norby. Look it up.

G-E-I-R Norby. I mean, Hennigan. Chaley's looking it up. I'm looking for Rammstein cover bands. Rammstein cover band. It's like Hamburg Leather Party. Honest, have you got Amazon Prime? Yes.

Yeah. Watch. It's called, it's Rammstein Paris. It's their concert from 2017. Like, I've always enjoyed their music, but it is fucked up. You just have to think. It is fucked up. There's a point where the drummer leads the rest of the band on leashes, whipping them to a smaller stage.

Like, it's in the Stade de France. There's like 90,000 people. And they've got like eight balls in their mouth and he's whipping them. The fucking lead singer gets a hold of the keyboard player and he's got him over

his knee and he's spanking him. And you gotta remember, this is like fucking German krautrock and it just happens in such a weird way. You're like, oh, he's not gonna. And then he fucking unhitches his pants.

You know those old-timey night... Long John's unhitch. The Long John's with the flap in the back. Yeah, Union Jacks. Yeah, Union Jacks. Union suit. He's got, he unflaps that and rapes him on the stage.

He's buggering his keyboard player. And then he gets up and he's got like a prosthetic dick out and he starts spraying the crowd like he's hooked it up to a milk pump or something. He's spraying his dick and the crowd's like, oh, great. Wonderful. The German war. the german war glad we didn't bring this up on the podcast because it would make us throwing trash bags into the street looking kind of petty

oh i know i know how to protect the story. I'll tell you afterwards. I felt dirty. My wife and child were asleep in the next room. I thought they were going to walk in on me watching. You can't even explain it. It's like, well, I just had it on ambiently, really.

That even makes Extreme Elvis look tame. Extreme Elvis was at my wedding and he's like drinking piss and pulling a fucking tampon out of his lead backup singer's pussy and chewing it up. Nah, there's no buggery. I imagine that's the kind of thing

that's going on in the Ramstein cover band. Such a fucking tame kid and Hennigan was a prick to him. Yeah. Can you imagine? such a fucking tame kid and Hennigan was a prick to him yeah like can you imagine Hennigan likes to get low rent fucking workers and then

chastise them for not being professional oh well I've never done this before well you fucking suck at it that's why you've never done this before because you fucking you fucking suck at it. That's why you've never done it before. Because you fucking suck. And we should have had these train tickets purchased.

Yeah. It's like when you show up to a venue and some fucking dude's staring at the soundboard like it's a goddamn master's degree. Alright. Just don't touch it. I'll try and figure it out.

Alright, sir. Alright, man. I'm glad to go. It's been great to see you all, and this goddamn war will be over one day. I'll come see you. You come see me.

Go be weird. Go make it weird. Make it weird for the town. It's your job. Yeah. Good night. All right. Act like you're CIA.

alright act like you're CIA CIA feed in the local conspiracies later I love Glenwell