The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#386: Day 22 - Doug Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 25, 2020

Day 22. While waiting for Shane Gillis, Doug takes a run at a few drunk dials. Recorded April 24th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Mike Kroeger (@Nickelback), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tracey Wernet (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast god i was motivated today i was motivated for this podcast but uh we're waiting for shane who said yeah i have a four o'clock and then a 5 o'clock. Shane's in high demand doing podcasts over in the little house. So I thought, okay, 6 o'clock. And then he goes, I got one more to do. And now it's almost 7. And we said, fuck it.

He can come in late, take all his accolades from the emails. Oh, shit. I just realized. You didn't bring them? No, the emails. Oh, shit. I just realized. You didn't bring them? No, the emails, but they're all about Shane. Yeah, it's all right. It's the ones I saved from yesterday's podcast. Nothing from today?

I heard we're getting good feedback about the Nickelback. Yeah. Well, I heard that from Nickelback. I was busy today, so I couldn't get to all the messaging. But I figured since we did all email yesterday, we would have plenty to talk to Shane about today. So that failed for me. I showered.

Whoa. Yeah, I got up. I showered. I shaved. I made smoothies. I took the dog on a walk. Then I took Bingo on a drive. You know, her driving behind me.

We did like 45 minutes of just weird back roads of Bisbee that I've never been on. Like the neighborhoods or OB? Yeah, neighborhoods over across and south from Safeway. Like if you take Naco Highway. Oh, yeah. There's a bunch of streets. A lot of them are dead end, but yeah, a lot of them are weird.

Out towards where you go to vote. Is it the city office buildings or something? Yeah, that's 92. This is if you take the left on Naco Highway. And, yeah. Towards the border.

Towards the border, and then take any of those streets on the right as you're heading towards the border. I know what you're talking about now. That's the you take a left at Safeway instead of going straight towards the city office buildings. You made a good cocktail.

Oh yeah. Watermelon jalapeno margaritas. That's our maid. She's just leaving. Fucking did kick the fucking shit out of some yard work today. Tom, you've been replaced by a 22-year-old girl. And as much as we miss you, no one's complaining. I hope Tom's doing well.

Tom sent a... Thank you for everything. Are you working tomorrow? Yeah. All right, great. I'll have stuff. Yeah, guys, you can tell me.

Cool. Come on, man. No. Yeah, Tom sent me a couple of... Tom Konopka. Yeah, Tom Konopka sent me a couple of texts

and I read them to you. I go, it sounds almost like he's dying or something it's like if i if i die i i lived a good life man and just basically saying hey i'm too fucking old for yard work well i mean yeah he's retired i mean and he's uh i I mean, he just kind of finished up with a milestone in living in America. Yeah, he's getting a check. Yeah, so don't work if you don't have to. No shit.

That's the Bisbee motto. Don't work if you ain't gotta. I washed nine cars today. Not like soap and water. I hosed them down. Get the bird shit off of them. Yeah, and I was looking for more cars to wash at the end of it. I just needed an excuse to be in the sun.

Get a fucking tan. It's in the 80s today. Oh, shit. I almost said something. Summer. Yeah. It goes from turn on the heat tonight to turn on the AC tonight in a week. And you had the AC on in here today.

I think I put it on a little bit last night just by accident because I was just trying to get the smoke out of here. So, yeah, my default is to just open up the window and just start pushing air. It gets smoky, man. We've got to get those fucking windows fixed in that bedroom. Yeah, I looked up our options. I think the thing I came up with yesterday was to just put something to block it out for now.

Yeah. But the options for the... They're like 12 feet in the fucking air. Yeah. I would have just put up garbage bags in frustration if they weren't so fucking high. Band house. You'd have to put the ladder in front of the TV

and I don't trust myself enough to not go fucking smashing through that TV. No, I can't use that stuff. There's some adhesive on it. But the thing I was thinking of is those pull-down shades that you want down below. I was going to get two for the front room. Everything's white or black or gray.

There's no colors. Well, gray would be the one to go with there. All right. We spray paint the fucking things. Well, I mean, we could do that as well. We could do a lot of things. Yeah. Drove the boy out to Douglas for no reason.

It's half an hour each way. And you forget what this place, like not this house but the desert. Someone from Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania living in Queens. Living in New York.

You would take for granted the fucking scenery. It looks like nothing to me. It's fucking desert and mountains. Is this like old to me. It's fucking desert and mountains. Oh, I still love it. Is this like old to you? Is this just like normal? You don't...

Yeah, until I see you look at it. And it's fun. You think I'm driving a Douglas for no reason? The vast expanse is what I'm talking about. So did you take him towards the border by the Walmart there? Yeah, I took him right that last left before the border. It hasn't been a knock-off yet. That's a way cooler border because you can get out and fucking

touch it. But was there anything going... You can lick the turnstile. Was there commerce going across the border? No, no. Port is closed. Completely closed? Yep. And downtown Douglas is so... He's like, is this where they filmed no country for old men

and then he pulled it up on his phone the gadston hotel looks just like are we on a soundstage at the warner brothers lot no shit uh it's uh it's like west texas only pretty pretty much all mexican like all those like the stores you can tell are very are very Mexican. It's a border town. And the Douglas side of the border is the one that's not moving. It's the ghost version of the town. Agua Prieta is kick-ass. I told him you go over there, or you did. That's why I was wondering if the border was actually,

if they were letting anyone go by, because that's where we get liquor at the duty-free there. Yeah, when I went down there. 50% off. I don't know if it was. Anyway, I did that drive where I went places I've never been in Douglas, like circled the whole city. And I saw a couple cars going over into Mexico,

but I don't see any coming back in so it might be people just going yeah don't don't don't bother knocking on my door you didn't see nothing senor yeah don't you don't have to look for me anymore ice i'll just go home myself i give up i'll throw me out thank you nobody. There really is no work over here. I'm going back. That'll be fun to find out. I've been making a list of things I'll be curious about in a week. In a week.

I got two pages. I haven't been as diligent about it, but lately I'm getting writer's cramp. Jesus Christ. This is Shane's idea. I was talking about quitting smoking for the next 30 days, and then he brought up Alex Jones. He goes, when you go back to news,

you should do a month of only getting your news from Alex Jones. Just go the whole other way. Go from fucking everything's perfect to panic all the time. And I'm like, how do you see Alex Jones? I thought he got kicked off of every platform. But he says people still do post his stuff on YouTube. And I don't know how long before it gets taken down.

Hopefully quicker than when you put bootleg shit of mine up and it stays up there forever until Brian finds it. Brian's got to be really bored because I just called him, like, hey, retweet, Bingo says she posted some pictures. Can you retweet them? And then 20 minutes later, like, Brian's usually, okay, bye. He doesn't want to talk ever. He was just chatting up a fucking storm.

Was he talking about the— Inman, I don't know what's going on with Inman, but— And I told him, he fucking chilled out after he got a Nickelback fucking mention. Oh, and Phil Hendry retweeted him. Yeah, first it was out after he got a Nickelback fucking mention. Oh, and Phil Hendry. Yeah, first it was Phil Hendry and then Nickelback. And now he's just soaking it for attention. And it's making Brian fucking crazy. What do you mean?

If you knew how transparent he was, he's like an uneducated J.T. Habersat. It cuts both ways. You got the better of that one, JT, but it's still a fucking shot to the ribs. That's it. Fucking, I made tacos. Tracy made vegetarian enchiladas. Yeah, it was a fucking spot on day.

Good shit done. I went to the store. I haven't been to the store in a week. I went today and it was earlier than usual because I asked the gals at the checkout, what's the slowest time? And it's like after 2.30. So I've been going late in the day. So I went today at 10.

And today is the first day I've seen toilet paper on a shelf since this whole fucking thing happened. And it felt like, I was in Yugoslavia once, and there was toilet paper that when you folded it, it cracked. This looks like the rolled version it was a dollar for four rolls very tiny rolls you could probably roll everything onto one regular Charmin roll but it was for four rolls for a buck so I just bought to get a Charmin I have doesn't even you have to use it a couple of

times before it's small enough to fit into a regulation-sized toilet paper roll. You have to use a couple sheets before you can put the roller, put the roll on the roller. I thought you had to use it a couple of times to make it last. Doing a little bit of that.

Yeah, but you said this earlier. Has anyone run out? Yeah, I don't know anyone that's run out of toilet paper, but... Maid said that they did. Maid said, yeah. But they're in their 20s. Yeah, they're 22. They don't plan a lot.

No. That could have been any given day. Oh, my God, we don't have toilet paper. My life's over. I didn't understand why they said, and we ran out of paper coffee filters. I'm like, do you have a non-coffee drinker? Because someone made a choice.

Look, I don't even like coffee, so hand me that filter. I'm going to wipe with a cake cup. No, just use it as a plug. You just shit once a week, you'll have plenty of toilet paper yeah and then i bought the two two four packs of just you know chintzy tp and then went over to ace where they have cases right at the front door you're telling me the limit is two two k they're holding everyone back to only two cases. It's like, man, would someone want to fight you if you said you could only have one case of toilet paper at a time?

I mean, they're back up on the delivery. I don't know what's in a case. It's 12 or 24. Oh, okay. The big packet. Because Olivia, before all this started, as much as we goof on her, she was fucking Johnny on the spot. And she got me a case of 96 rolls. No, that's not the highest quality.

These are boxes. It's not 12 rolls or 24 rolls. These are 12. A case of 12. Of 12 rolls. It's a fucking huge box. And he got me some tofu. Of 12 rolls. It's a fucking huge box. And he got me some tofu. Safe-ass tofu.

Yeah, everything's coming back. So that's good. I mean, I don't... See? It's over. Well, that's... Wait till I start listening to Alex Jones about what's in that tofu. Yeah, this week's been a little crazy.

For me. And that is part of it, is that you don't suffer any of the anxiety of like, what the fuck? Is someone gonna stop this? This behavior can...

Everyone else knows what I'm talking about yeah yeah not curious anymore why are you so far away from the mic I don't know usually I project more you should be about a fist away from the mic

you can pull it towards you lean it down it's fucking you have like new headphones. Like, you have these new mic stands. I used to... I could do all this with it. Yeah.

You want one of those? I'll put it back. No. No. No, I'm just... I grow accustomed to something, and you change it. Now you have fucking... The chair moves.

You can move closer to the microphone. Okay, guys. All right. Getting a little cantankerous here. I was going to put my contacts in finally, and then I went, ah, cut up those jalapenos for the margaritas. Let's wait a day. It's good.

I mean, what? Oh, wait. Before I i forget i got some notes here oh apollo we've two days in a row we forgot to thank apollo this guy from san francisco on his way to alabama driving some weird box truck with all the all painted like graffiti yeah All painted graffiti. Yeah. Like the underneath of a bridge off of MLK Junior Boulevard. Looks like the side of a railroad boxcar. Yeah. He had a case of booze and mixers for us. Champagne.

And done up gloves and mask and kept a distance. Took a couple pictures. Thank you, Apollo. And someone else. Yeah shane gillis a couple people have mailed stuff to shane gillis it's like this is weird i don't get this much mail at home but then today it was just a box marked hangover cure and it was a it was a box of beef bouillon which i can see drinking that on a hangover morning but i go hey you got more mail just because he's been so fucking hung over did we talk about how he's talking about leaving the other night a little bit yesterday but yeah he's

over i think that's over he's good yeah okay he's doing so good he's doing every other podcast but this one might have to take a break well let's uh let's play bingo's joke all right and then we'll be right back hi bingo you have a joke for us today i sure do i sure. Are you ready for this? Yes. Okay, come on now. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Whatever would they say to one another? Breathe, damn it. Breathe.

Thank you, Bingo. We needed comedy content. We're running thin. Okay. Turn back on big bottom. Okay. What did they know? Okay. Bye-bye now. content we're running thin okay i was just texting you oh were you texting me we are still waiting for shane gillis who has so many podcasts and we're just waiting and waiting and drinking and drinking, getting sluggish from the tacos and the enchiladas. Why are we? Yeah, so do you have another joke? You're on the air.

Okay, okay, I got you. Okay, how do you fix a broken tuba? How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. A tuba glue. Alright. How do you feel about this Shangilas being late for work?

Um, I don't really give a... I'm tripping on mushrooms. I don't fucking care. I'm sorry. I don't care about anything right now, but I do have one more joke for you. Alright, go ahead. Okay, why didn't the melons get married?

Why didn't the melon get married? Melons get married. Yeah. Is this news? Go ahead. Because they cantaloupe! Cantaloupe! They cantaloupe!

Oh, wow, wow. Okay, go fuck yourself. Oh, my God. All right, phone's working. Phone's working. All right, let's try Todd Glass. When was the last time you talked to Mr. Glass? Like a week ago. I don't know.

Killing me, Tracy. Yeah, it was when I said I think everyone hates me because Chad didn't get back to me and Todd Glass didn't get back to me. Chad did get back to me. Sometimes my phone doesn't give me the notification. And then Todd Glass texted me the next morning saying, hey, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

So I was just being paranoid. Unless they fucking secretly hate me. All right. say, hey, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you right away. So I was just being paranoid. Unless they fucking secretly hate me. All right. Todd's probably doing a podcast right now. I'm going to hang up before it says his number. If it goes to voicemail. I remember, Chaley.

Yeah. Goddamn. No, no Todd Glass. What are you doing? I'm looking at my numbers. Wait, you're going to go in and start... Oh, we'll call Nickelback. Oh, wait. It's a little...

No, it's fucking 7.30. Well, he says he usually goes to bed by 8. Well, it's 7.30. Alright. Hello? Hey, we needed a little bit of filler. Oh! Yeah, Shane Gillis

is doing all these other podcasts in the guest house. And then we keep waiting for him and just get drunker and drunker. So we go, well, who's desperate that we'll answer their phone? Mike from Nickelback. I looked at it and I thought, should I answer? Yeah. Pretty desperate, Doug.

Pretty desperate, yeah. pretty desperate Doug pretty desperate yeah I want to call Margaret Cho and see how she feels about Shane Gill as her being Asian and all well I you know I saw a few um a few people of the Asian persuasion weighing in on on him and and it was kind of a mixed uh bag to be honest with you like some of them were thinking it was hilarious and some of them were deeply hurt and offended i don't know you know didn't seem that bad to me but whatever i'm not uh yes i'm not the one i'm not the one canceling everybody right now yeah i'm pretty sure that uh that that day has had its day at least temporarily that the me too is sleeping like a cicada during coronavirus. You know, it's true.

I hope it stays asleep. I think it was pretty played out, wasn't it? Yeah, but there was just that and Trump to talk about for four years. Yeah, sadly. That was something new. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's right. We needed to change the channel um good one way to go shane he helped us out he gave us a new uh a new uh car crash to watch i guess i don't know all right well i i really have nothing i the more this fucking stupid thing goes on, the less I have to say. I washed nine cars today, Mike. And then I was looking for other neighbors who might need their car washed.

I just wanted to be in the sun. You're just going around washing people's cars? Well, a lot of them are ours. Okay, oh, okay. The drug repo vehicles, you wash those? The, uh, the drug repo vehicles. You watch those. I didn't get that back. I have three cars loaned out right now and I wanted to go take them back just so I could

wash them. Fuck off. Bingo. Bingo's calling and she knows I'm on a goddamn podcast. Fucking bingo. I know. Is your wife retarded? Uh,

mildly. Yeah. Isn't it great? Yeah, it makes everything way more fun. But the beauty of it is, you know, I didn't know how stupid I was until I married my wife. And now I have a really good understanding of that. I see you say that because you have to.

But I've learned that's in your nature. You say a you say that because you have to but i've learned that's in your nature you say a lot of things because you have to i say things because i should yeah you have to say that i'm being i i i consider it a uh one of the uh it's like a lost art of wisdom of you know um self-deprecating so your spouse doesn't bury you. I wrote that in the beginning of my book after the beginning of the book is it's about the year of 2016. We, we broke up temporarily. Cause I, uh, I cheated on her on a cruise ship, uh, in our room. And I brought the girl in with her in the room. It was,

it's a really fucked up story. But as I go through it, I go, I'm not going to do that thing where I say, Oh, she's a saint for putting up with me for all these years. Cause she's just as fucked up as me. She just doesn't do that shit.

Yeah. That wasn't a really well thought out, um, uh, uh, uh, mission there, Doug.

I don't know what you thought was going to happen, but... And that's spelled out in detail. I don't know. If I was in my right mind and not blackout drunk, I would have just gone to that girl's room.

Why did I bring her to my fucking room where I know my wife is? Maybe I thought we had a threesome, but probably I was just drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. you hear those stories about those guys that are you know they go out you know they go out and um and get a girl and bring them home to the wife and oh yeah she's probably gonna be into it you know completely

you know mystified when the wife's furious it is is an interesting... I've heard that story before. Who's the biggest fuck-up in your band? Oh. Who would have the most kind of stories like that? Not necessarily that story, but who has the most stories in your band where you go, oh, he should talk about this? It can't be Ryan.

No, no, it's not Ryan. Ryan, my brother's probably got some pretty bad stories that I probably don't know about. I made a point in not knowing his stories a long time ago. Yeah, you kind of have to do that when it's family and business at the same time. Yeah, and if there's going to be a court case, I don't want no one to care. Plausible deniability. Yeah, yeah if there's going to be a court case, I don't want no one to care.

Plausible deniability. That's a real thing, man. It's intelligent to distance yourself from that shit so if you're seated across the table from a judge, you don't have to make some shit up and perjure yourself. Yes, Chaley always shakes me off like a catcher when

I start telling him some stuff. And then I tell Tracy and she just, she has no one

to gossip with. Yeah. So she listens. So he doesn't, he's like, I don't

want to know. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I'm busy. I got my headphones on motherfuckers. I don't want to know. Don't tell me I don't want to know. I'm busy. I got my headphones on, motherfuckers. I don't want to know nothing unless it's on the air. That's fucking smart.

Very fucking smart. That's like one of my lawyers is the same way. You know, I've been there when people have been regaling tales. And, you know, he's like, just shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Stop it. Don't tell me anymore.

I don't want to. I just don't want't tell me anymore i don't want to i just i just don't want to know it i don't want to know and it's i love that you hang out with your lawyer and your chef and your personal trainer this is a very howard stern question but do you do you have famous friends that you actually hang out with not Not really. I think you have more famous friends than I do. Not that I hang out with. I mean, they're in my phone. They're drunk dial eligible. Oh, okay.

I thought you were friends with Johnny Depp and he's like the most famous guy ever. So, you know, that's pretty famous, right? Yeah, but I see him, what, once a year maybe for a minute. You know, when he flies him down to his island? Wow, okay. I flew myself

down, sir. That's true. Yeah, you know, a friend of mine, a really good friend of mine, actually knows that guy, and was, it's like his roommate in L.A. or something like that, and I just told him he's a really, really nice guy. Oh, he's a fucking sweetheart.

Yeah, you feel bad for bothering him all the time. Yeah. Who's the guy, other than agents excluded, who's the guy that you've gone to dinner with where you didn't even try to pick up the tab? So agents are out? Yeah, no agents, of course. You make them to pick up the tab? So agents are out? Yeah, no agents, of course. You make them fucking pick up the tab, even if they suck.

You always make the label pay whenever you can. And you order the expensive shit you're not even going to have for them. But yeah, agents, managers. Because Johnny Depp is the only person I don't even bother trying to pick up the tab. Everyone else, I pick up the tab. So I didn't know if you had a guy like that. Like, fuck it. There's no way.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't know. I just play it by ear, man. I try to get the tab whenever. Usually, actually, I try to get the tab. That's just in my nature. I got some quote-unquote friends who, you know, when it looks like the check's going to show up, they all of a sudden have IBS and have to run to the bathroom.

That's a Hedberg joke. He says, every time my agents go to pay the tab at dinner, I always reach for my wallet because inside there's a note that says, remember to say thank you. Yeah. The master, yes. I remember I was signing with APA

when I first moved to LA in like 95, 6. And they took me out to I forget that steakhouse down on fuck, it's in Beverly Hills. It's like Morton's or something? It's not Morton's. Oh, you're talking about Mastro's, aren't you? Might be. Mastro's Steakhouse?

Yeah, it's one of those East Coast chop house style? Yeah, I had to sign the contract that they brought and made a big production out of it. Yeah. I was ordering and I said, listen, I want the filet mignon, but this steak is a higher price,

so I also want to order the most expensive thing on the menu so could I get the filet mignon but you just charge me $3 more the tomahawk price yeah you got to you got to man or just get one of them for like takeout that's a good move too you know just get what you're

going to have there and get some takeout because you know you're going to eat later that's a funny move yeah can I get one for here and one for the road what you're going to have there and get some takeout because you're going to eat later. That's a funny move. Yeah, can I get one for here and one for the road? Put a bag under the table, please. Thank you. I had a stripper. Yeah, these people don't care.

I had a stripper girlfriend who was dating a drug dealer before I met her. That was before Tinder. I did it on my own. And she said she would go to a restaurant every night in Miami

and they would order lobster and no one would eat it. There'd be a, it all comes. Sounds like an Eddie Griffin fucking. Yeah, totally. Yeah. But they would come in there and go,

you ate lobster all the time? We never ate it. It just came to the table, and then the guy paid for it, then they all went and did blow. Wow, fuck. In the old Roman style, yeah, right? Yeah.

Hopefully they weren't running the vomitorium style, too. Oh, she was. She stayed really thin. Ooh, yes. Well, between the bulimiation and the cocaine-ation, those two things, they'll keep the weight off. One day I'm going to bleed a story

out of you that you shouldn't tell. It'll probably be when we're in person and I know you're not recording me. No, no. I'm not recording. Yeah, those stories. We have plenty of them just one for the air oh no no no i don't think i have anything that i want to share people are evidently uh loving you on twitter is that so that's what jaylee said, I used to hate that band. That guy's really fucking cool.

And that's the difference. You know what? You respond to someone that hates you in kind and go, hey, I'm sorry you feel that way, but... And they go, wow, he just talked to me. The guy from Nickelback talked to me. And all of a sudden, you're a fucking fan. People are so fucking easily played that it seems too seems too simple to do it the one i did well it's also go ahead go ahead what was that well i was gonna say the one i didn't tell doug about

and i i mean i didn't know we were gonna call you but it was really like weird to like have someone go nickelback on the doug stanhope podcast pass i'm not into this one. And I said on the back, I was like, but just the mere fact that Doug's talking to Mike from Nickelback, wouldn't you be interested in to hear what someone you follow

and would like, you know what I mean? I'm amazed I have any fan that doesn't know that I don't fucking care about music. I know. It's just so close-minded. I know.

Well, my fans are douchebags. I was really wondering how your denizens would, whether they would accept me or reject me. I know that your audience is typically people who, they're typically unusual people. They're hateful people. Yeah. And I was wondering if they were going to,

if they were going to be okay with me or not. You know, I am curious to know how, how your, your fans have responded, but it sounds like, okay, actually.

Yeah. I get that a lot when I do interviews with people, especially the first time. We do an interview, and then at the end of the interview, they stop the recording device or whatever. It's usually on the phone or something like that. Not in person, but they're like, wow, that was really amazing. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, well, I really expected I was going to hate you. Yeah, I don't get it.

Wow, is that how you wrap up every interview? Nice. I didn't come into this thinking I would hate you. I'll throw one out for you that fucking everybody respects for whatever reason, including a lot of my fans. I'll throw myself under the fucking train tracks right here. Fucking Henry Rollins. And I didn't even know he was in the Misfits.

That became a staple of the Misfits. The Misfits. Wasn't Henry Rollins in the Misfits? Black Flag. Yeah, but I thought he was in the Misfits, too. Not that I'm aware of. Glenn Danzig. Oh, all right. Glenn Danzig. Allzig alright then this whole story doesn't matter point being

your surprise is warranted because he was never in the Misfits so that would be really surprising if it turned out he was in the Misfits because we'd have to bend the space time continuum and get in the time machine and go back alright I fucked it up Glenn Danzig was he was ridiculous when he came

out, like Mother was the song, and you're like, this guy's he's a bodybuilder I just remember thinking he was ridiculous, so I fucked it up, but the point is, I always describe my general fan base as a lonely, knock-kneed

kid in a Misfits t-shirt with no friends anywhere. Point being, Henry Rollins is hugely fucking respected, and I think he sucks. Like, he's an asshole, and he tries to do stand-up comedy. Oh, I've never heard that. He does stand-up? It used to be called spoken word that's when

i found him in the napster days and he opened with a thing shitting on edie burkell i remember oh i remember that yeah i remember that and then yeah i don't know music so i don't know that that sucks i like that circle of friends song fucking fuck me i like i like the song and then he goes into a bit that's the most hackneyed stand-up comedy bit about airline pilots and how you can't understand a word they say and i'm like this is like 1986 hackneyed and you're telling me edie burkell sucks i'm telling you you suck how about that uh that's interesting that That sounds like Jerry Seinfeld's first generation kind of stuff. What's up with that? Weird.

It was very much like that. I like to shit on him because he shits on music that I like because I don't know music. I don't really, I like, uh, I've liked what Henry Rollins has done. Um, and I've read his, his really good book actually.

Get in the van. Yes. Yes. That's great. Fucking brilliant. Fucking great book. And then that is the experience of being a hopeless, hapless band with no fucking money and no chance.

That's basically, that's, that's how it is. It's probably similar to going on the road as a stand-up comedian. I loved it because it, like, my worst road days, I lived out of my car for three years, and it was, but there wasn't people spitting at me on stage and stabbing me. Throwing a cup of piss at you. And I didn't have bad days. I lived in a car alone. spitting at me on stage and stabbing me. Throwing a cup of piss at you. And I didn't have bad news. I lived in a car alone.

I didn't have roommates. Yeah, the solitude versus the way that hardcores show their love. I think I'd live in a car. Given the choice of getting bodily fluids thrown at me. That's probably Henry's'm going to feel. I need to dial that back a bit. Henry Rollins, I hated for a couple things he said. And when I say I hate someone, it's fleeting.

I know, Doug. I'm aware of your grudging of hate. And I really appreciate it, you know, because you're pretty honest about it. Yeah, it's a initial bombast and a lot of regret after. Yeah, it's not technically, it isn't even really hate. You know, you're kind of just venting and you move

on. I kind of appreciate that. Yeah, that's kind of the business. Yeah. You can't go like, you know what kind of disturbs me a little bit sometimes no comedy you know what i hate yeah yeah we need to gut a real shit we need we need the bile yes we need the bile so what do you what is your what's your topic today that you were doing a podcast before or not or you just sit there no we were doing a podcast before or not?

Or are you just sitting there? No, we were doing a podcast waiting for Shane Gillis to get done with his. He's done like three podcasts. He's been podcasting since 4 o'clock. It's almost 8. So we were waiting for him. We just have some fan mail for him to wrap this up. Well, I found out Shane, he does a uh matt and shane secret podcast which

is uh uh i can't remember matt's last name but i listened to the podcast it's it's very funny and it is uh there's not a lot of them i was really surprised because he's in there recording podcasts all but everyone's a guest on everyone else's podcast he's also he has a degree in history or he went to school for history so he he does a thing called, what is it, Nerdcore History? So he does that. Those are the two. But the last couple of days, he's been just doing other people's podcasts, so he sits in the little house, which that's like a studio.

It's like a vocal booth, Mike. So he's in there, and it's all set up. He can plug right into the router there, so he doesn't even need Wi-Fi. So, yeah, I think he doesn't even need Wi-Fi. So yeah, I think he should do every fucking podcast he can. But I would hope ours would be one of them. Well, you know, he's a little unloved of you.

So you just, you know, you're going to have to wait in line like everybody else. Yeah, the other night he said, yeah, I'm going to leave in a week. He thought he wore out his welcome just because we keep different hours. So once he starts drinking, I'm going to bed. Oh, you really?

Yeah, well, yeah. It's all, yeah. There is an art to this, especially as we age, right? The earlier you start, the earlier you finish. At least, honestly, it doesn't apply to my brother. That's something I can tell you about him. He, I don't understand. He's got some kind of

genetic predisposition to, once he starts to drink, and it doesn't matter what time it is, it never stops. I should call him next. It sounds a lot like me. Really?

Do you lose the ability to sleep when you start drinking? No, no, I can sleep, but I'm going to sleep really fucking drunk. Right. Once I start, that's it. A lot of people. Bingo will come over in the morning at 10 a.m. when she used to come over before the vid. Hey, do you want to have a cocktail? No, I can't at 10 a.m. because that means the day is done. And by 530, I'm a fucking wreck. Then I forgot embarrassing myself.

I forgot embarrassing myself. Yeah, yeah. That's the greatest. Yeah, I don't get it. He says it's the FOMO, you know, the fear of missing out. He thinks if he goes to sleep, somebody's going to come and tell him, you know, that whole hotel thing. You should have seen what happened right after you left. should have seen what happened right after you left yep yeah we used to do these death valley parties every year for seven years we found this very isolated spot in death valley with a little motel bar restaurant and that was it and we'd throw parties there and it was so hard to go to

bed because there's so many drugs and hallucinogens and there's always something you're going to miss because everyone's on a different cycle and there's you know 80 people there and like motherfucker even if you didn't like partake in the drugs if you got there on a Saturday instead of the Friday

you had to listen for like all the shit you missed what do you mean what do you mean the uh the the the swedish team like the the the european uh van drove dug back naked on the back with a boa all the way from like the the like three miles away and it's like oh yeah oh oh they also filmed it and it's like, oh yeah. Oh, they also filmed it. And I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't I get here on Friday?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did. We had friends. I had done a hidden camera show. So those people came out and they brought all their gear. So we did a hidden camera thing in a rental minivan

that someone had with allegedly a flat tire on the side of this endless death valley highway and she's hitchhiking naked out front and then as soon as anyone pulled over four of us dudes jumped out naked to get in the car with her one of them was a double amputee Vietnam vet. But a lot of them are like people, Germans, oddly,

frequent Death Valley and they don't give a shit. You know how Europe is. They don't care about nudity. And they just drove us all back. There's no payoff to this bit, but at the same time... We used to get that all the time when we would stay Yeah, there's no payoff to this bit, but at the same time... Yeah, those people don't give a fuck. We used to get that all the time when we would stay in hotels over in Europe,

especially in Germany. You know, you go down to the pool or the hot tub or sauna or whatever, and you sit in there, and, you know, it's like... And then some old German ladies come in, they'll just gear down, and then just start giving it to you in German because you're not naked. Oh, Iceland is the same way. Yeah, yeah. They got some kind of issue with chemicals being released from the clothing because the high temperature is not healthy or something.

And they'll shame you into gearing down, right? Gearing down. I don't know. I never went. But Iceland, that's the biggest attraction is their fucking hot tubs, but the pools involved. Yeah, the sauna. It's hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold.

Yeah. Yeah, and they do all those hot springs and all that shit from the volcanic stuff. Well, and Finland, they rock it there too. They're fully naked in the sauna together, you know. And I got invited to go for the, you know, the authentic Finnish sauna experience where you go in there bare-ass naked with, you know, your best friends and, and you get, um, they, they whack you with like a birch. Actually hitting, not flagellate. Yeah. He didn't say whack off. Yeah.

Like, like the, the Ayatollah died. They beat themselves. Yeah. Yeah. They, they, they flagellate you and you flagellate them and you're all just uh you're all wearing your birthday suits and uh hanging out yeah releases the toxins yeah that's it's weird because i was you know i would always get naked inappropriately but when it's appropriate I feel uncomfortable. Right. Have you been naked on stage? Not, no. Not any of the naughty bits, anyway. You know, I've been covered appropriately.

You know, I've gotten, what do you call it, acceptably naked, you know? Yeah. Underpants. Cinemax naked, or whatever it was called. Right, yes. Cinemax naked or whatever it was called right yes Cinemax naked have you been naked on stage privately like a private party the closest I ever got

was I used to play shows in my underwear back when I was younger I don't know why I did that actually I don't even think I was drinking at that time so I have no excuse for that now. Did you, wait, you weren't drinking at that time? You started later? Well, yeah, I told you this story when we were doing the podcast.

Yeah, it's okay. When I was 19, I kind of, yeah, I decided to hang it up for a while. And from 19 until I was, I think, 28. All right. You did tell me. Your whole 20s. Yeah, pretty much my whole 20s were not booze. But I think I drank enough in my late teens to cover all that.

So, sorry, I forget where I was going with that. Oh, that's okay. I thought we got cut off there for a second. He's not getting naked. Yeah, yeah. Appropriately or inappropriately. Inappropriately. Cinemax nude, yes.

Hey, Greg, I was going to ask you, tell me, you know, and I texted you about this. You did respond, so I don't know if you don't want to talk about it. If you don't, just say you don't. But tour manager. You're a tour manager? Yeah. What's that? What's it like tour managing guys like Doug and Hedberg?

Well, Hedberg, I had no idea what was going on. I worked at Busch Gardens in Tampa, and they needed a tour manager because it was flaming out two- thirds of the way through the tour. But I, I'd known Mitch for a number of years and they called me and I was getting ready to go to work. And I said, fuck yeah. I went to work and quit right there. And they had just given me a promotion. I was managing a 20,000 square foot, um, uh,

warehouse of all the Halloween props that they have out there. So it was a big deal to have that job. But I never fucking wanted a job. I mean, I couldn't believe that I passed the fucking drug test. But when I went out there, it was two-thirds of the way through the tour with Hedberg and Lynch co-headlining. Stephen Lynch. Stephen Lynch Stephen Lynch he used to be a comic I haven't heard his name yeah he's still doing he's still touring uh but I had no idea what to do and I think it was the first night or the second night we were on the east

coast and it was in Michigan and like a ton of like Kid Rock's band showed up to the show. And then we went back to the hotel afterwards. And the wives and girlfriends were telling me, like, you go tell that manager we want a separate room. Because they were complaining about what, like the noise and stuff. And like, no, you tell him. And I'm like, look, man, I don't fucking know. And these girlfriends, it was the guitarist's wife, basically took the phone, talked to the manager and said, you're going to do this. They gave us a banquet room with a bar that we drank in until we were done because we were going to be drinking no matter what.

We were going to be drinking. Either you give us this place downstairs. And then she hangs up the phone and she goes, look, you don't ask them anything you tell them it really is it was trial by fire i just had to realize that yeah when we go into a venue and a situation don't be shy you're there yeah because they sold tickets people are coming there to see you, and my job is to make sure that the show ends up being successful because the person I'm representing is taken care of. And that could mean anything.

And a lot of times it stretches the boundaries. But at the same time, the main goal is to have a good show. Oh, look who just came in. Shane Gillis. Sorry, we had to get a fucking... What do you need to fix? Oh, Chaley's already got it fixed. Chaley has everything fixed all the time.

Shane Gillis, four hours ago, said he'd come out just to listen to adulating fan mail. But he had other podcasts, so we had to go back to Nickelback. Yeah, that's all right. Hey, Shane. Hey, what's up, man? Yeah, you're back. It's Tuesday again. How are you?

But now we're on fucking Chaley Hedberg tour managing stories. See, Hedberg was a junkie. I'm just a drunk. So it's way easier. I would imagine that would be challenging. Is one of those easier than the other, really? Well, I didn't know.

They both sound kind of challenging. The junkie thing, he was my friend, and it wasn't a thing that was like, hey, by the way, if he disappears, call us. There was never that. It was, hey, uh... Functional junkie. Well, whatever reason.

Write that song, Mike. No one gave me the heads up. I just, I mean, Mitch and Lynn called me. The management didn't call me. Yeah, but you didn't have to go out and, like, score them fucking junk. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. That's good.

Because I've heard of that. No, no, no. Oh, okay. That's good. Because I've heard of that. You know, the only, you know, the best, the most often quoted thing from my tour managers over the years has been, you know, like something would be happening, like, you know, the thing I remember, when I was thinking of you being a tour manager, I was remembering one time when my tour manager, you was remembering one time when my tour manager,

you know, first time this happened, we were in Houston and backstage after the show, Roger Clemens and his wife came back and we were, you know, obviously I had resumed my drinking career then because, you know, and we were in our dressing room and I don't know what happened, what led to this.

I guess it was, you know, we got a great big guy who's good at throwing stuff. So we ordered over like a 48 Corona longnecks, and we were standing at the door of the dressing room and trying to pitch fastballs with the Coronas at a lamp that was in the corner. fastballs with the Coronas at a lamp that was in the corner. And, you know, us, the band, Roger Clements and his wife, all hurling full Corona bottles. You know, and I remember, you know, the music was cranking and everybody was screaming and it was so loud. And then I remember everything stopped and my tour manager stuck his head

and he's like, hey, guys, just one thing. There's going to be a bill. We're like, is that it? We're like, is that all? And he's like, yep, that's it. He turned the music back on and fucked off and that was it. So yeah, that's what you have to do

as a tour manager. That is what his job is. His job isn't to go, hey, okay girls, let's go. Let's get up to your room and get straight A to sleep. His job isn't to go, hey, okay, girls, let's go. Let's get up to your room and get straight A to sleep. His job is to make sure no one fucking that's not supposed to be in there gets in there, and

that, look, manager, we'll take care of this. Don't worry about it. Yeah, just send me the fucking invoice. Just send me the invoice. I got it. Don't worry about it, unless, you know, we're not breaking the law. We're just breaking some beer bottles and, you know, smashing up some furniture. unless, you know, we're not breaking the law. We're just breaking some beer bottles and, you know, smashing up some furniture, but you know, no one, there's no, uh, you know, no one, there's no laws getting broken here. Everybody's having a good time.

There's no 14 year old girl getting beaten with a fish. That is not happening there. No. Yeah. I like those stories. Yeah. Those stories are great. And that's, you know, I, I like those stories. Yeah, those stories are great. And that's, you know, I've got a few of those Cinemax nude rock and roll stories for you. The only woman you ever debased on the road you married and now you have children and everyone's happy. Because you did what you were supposed to do. You said yes, Doug.

I'm going to leave you to Shane Gillis' fan mail now on that note. Oh, I was going to get rid of you first. Oh, fuck. Okay. You don't want to get dumped? You want to dump me? Okay. Fine.

Go ahead. It's fine. All right. Every time Shane Gillis leaves us, we'll call you. You know, whatever. I find it very entertaining speaking with you all, and I like you guys. We love you, sir. All right.

Have a good night, guys. All right. 807. He stayed up seven minutes later than he usually does. Hey, Shane. Hey, what's up? How were your podcasts? I did fucking three.

I know. Yeah. Well, I did one, and then after they were like, do you mind staying around one more for the Patreon? And I was just like, yeah. All right. Those are my pals, though. That's called Dad Meat Podcast.

Check it out. What is it? Dad Meat. Dad Meat. Yeah. Meat, like food. They're a subsidiary of Man Chained Secret Podcast. It's Man Chained Secret Podcast.

This is ASMR now. Do you like listening to guys talk about boners and farts i had absolutely nothing nothing i'd like i think i have something nothing i go well shane and then we paused a long long time and i'm right, I'm going to start drunk dialing people without you. Todd Glass did not pick up. That's a reoccurring theme with him, man. I think Todd doesn't like you. Well, I think I'm calling during his podcast. Have you thought of it that maybe Todd doesn't like you?

I thought that, and then he texted me the next day. Why would you do that? I don't know. I'm just fucking with him. Well, all your friends don't like you for being here. None of my friends like me. I was going to ask you. I think I brought this up, where your friends are fucking with you. Oh, hey your friends don't like you for being here. None of my friends like me. I was going to ask you. I think I brought this up where your friends are fucking with you.

Oh, hey, we're done with headphones, guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Oh, it took me forever to remember. I did bring up the, all right, we go from News Blackout to I only listen to Alex Jones, which is a fucking brilliant idea. 30 days of just Alex Jones. See if you become a patriot.

See if you're ready for 1776. That's funny, because when I texted, before we just talked to Mike Nickelback, I texted him that idea, and he goes, has he done voiceover for Alex Jones? Because I can hear it in Shane Gillis. Oh, yeah. Can you do the voice?

Alex Jones will live. The it in Shane Gillis. Oh, yeah. Can you do the voice? Alex Jones? The psychedelic band. Hold on. He's always about the psychedelic vampires. Coming at 1776. Nah, I guess I can't. Who does...

Someone does Alex Jones on Stern that is so fucking brilliant because he's got all of the weird lingo and... There's a guy Adomianian i think is

it's the best fucking adomian did someone else too he does bernie maybe okay uh or trump i forget he does one of them what's the fucking guy we love that did henry phillips the first he did mitt romney which is almost impossible to do And that was when Romney was running for president. And you're like, now I kind of want to vote for Romney so this guy has a full-time job on Stern. And J.L. Colvin does that fucking Trump. You retweeted it. Oh, yeah.

That guy, yeah. Yeah, he's funny. But, yeah, you should go just Alex Jones. See what happens. Be funny. You're going to hear it. He's going to make some good points. Yeah, Nickelback says,

yeah, I used to listen to him a lot, and then he went over the edge with Sandy Hook. And I'm like, really? It took you that long to realize that that guy is just fucking... Yeah, did you know him, you said? Yeah. You haven't seen the Austin incident? No, were you in that?

That means you didn't see it. No, I see it, yeah. It was probably 2004, maybe. Alex lives in Austin, and I knew him through Kevin Yoko Booth, Bill Hicks' best friend. And I go, do you want to open for me? Wait, was Alex Jones doing stand-up?

No, no, but he was at the show, and everyone knows him in Austin as a Froot Loop from Cable Access. And he went up and just looked up the Austin incident. What did he do? He tried a Friday late show. He tries to fucking scream at the audience every conspiracy theory he's ever known. Yes.

10 minute introduction. That sounds incredible. You're a killer, boss. Bring out the fuck. But he was supposed, his job was to fuck you. And he's like, fuck you. He wasn't doing stand up.

He goes, I don't really do stand up. And my inman is like my Alex Jones. That's very similar. And I go, no, just introduce me. And he went up and just, and people are trying to fight him on stage. He crushed. He crushed.

Yeah. You're fucking, you want to go? You want to go with me right now? And then he finally just dropped. I'm a rough-boned American. All right, here's Doug Staddle at the apex of fucking chaos. Oh, that's awesome.

It's the best thing I ever had caught on tape. Because I had to spin plates. Oh, fuck yeah. The Austin incident. Because then I had to get the crowd back. And then they're going off on me. And I'm like... And I fucking...

Yeah, I made that work. It was the best pulling out of a hole moment. That's a fucking... That's a tough one to follow. No one could follow Alex Jones hole moment. That's a fucking, that's a tough one to follow. No one could follow Alex Jones. Yeah. That's a tough one. Alex Jones in Austin,

in his home world star, the white world start. Uh, all right. Sorry. You missed the podcast. No, it's all right.

We're just going right to your, uh, letters. All right. Yeah. That's what we were just waiting for that. And you missed the podcast. No, it's all right. We're just going right to your letters. All right. Yeah. We're just waiting for that. And your thank you to this guy. Vogster? It's definitely on YouTube. I know it's at the bottom.

Vogster? Vogster? Vogster. Well, thank you, man. Thank you for the whiskey you sent us. Yellow Spot is not the greatest name for a... It just sounds like... You're going to piss me off.

Who ate the yellow snow? It's good, though. I mean, I drank some last night. You didn't, Shane. I didn't. You still have to have a drink. Oh, my God. That was so funny.

I won't tell your dad you didn't drink some whiskey. We tried to... Well, I didn't. Chaley did. Chaley's harder peer pressure than me because i smile chaley's like what you you won't even try no no voice with my yeah i was i was so fucking hung over yesterday i needed a day of rest yeah me and tracy stayed up you stayed up later than me which is she's like oh the sun's coming up i'm gonna watch it i was like i'm fuck the sun i never want to see it again

yeah that was that was yeah we stayed up like discussing race that's a fun night oh yeah well you i was just a regular racist to you i was i was pointing out liberal racism. This was after I argued with the officer for an hour and a half about Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. Yeah, we covered

this last night. We touched on it. I'd like to know... Good, because I got a piss. Let me find my camera here. I didn't know that the host was leaving. I'd like to know. Good, because I got to piss. All right. Well, all right. Let me find my camera here. I didn't know that the host was leaving. I piss quick. I know.

I'm fascinated. I'm working. Shane, that was a discourse, right? It wasn't bad. I didn't think it was bad, but I was drunk. So after, I immediately was like, am I an asshole? Okay, that's why I'm asking. Because there's no reason for you to think you were an asshole.

Because everyone was drinking. Yeah. And it stayed on course. But I don't know why you thought you were an asshole other than just being self-conscious. Yeah, I was just being self-conscious from arguing with authority. Yeah. self-conscious from uh arguing with authority uh yeah so i felt like because it seemed like he was very wrong to me but do you still think that's what he was doing no i just think he was he was incorrect i think he was he was just playing he was just playing devil's advocate and like

kind of fucking with me a little like at one point i caught him on it when he was like now i know you're i know your buddy jeffrey you're worried about your buddy's death and i was like don't do that don't say i'm just saying his name wrong i know and i was i was being a real i was being a real cunt about everstein yeah he did say at one point because he showed up after i was after the nickelback podcast, and I had already been drinking, and he showed up late, and I said, you better catch up because I'm pretty fucking hammered. He caught up.

And then he caught up as I'm going to bed. He goes, wait, I caught up. I go, yeah. Good job, man. We're at the finish line. Yeah, so I argued with him about it. Oh, that's when I gave you the fucking edible. Oh, God.

Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah, I gave you the edible, and you go, you're going to give me weed, and then you're going to bed? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that thing didn't affect me, because I drank. Oh, come on.

No, no, no. You were up until 6 in the morning. Well, normally it would knock me out. I'm saying normally when I get high, I get very, very anxious and I don't like it. Yeah, I go both ways sometimes. That shit was, I was drunk enough that it was just like, well, I feel good now. Yeah. But yeah, that hangover anxiety of like, was I fighting with a cop about Epstein all night?

He's bigger than a cop now. And then arguing with Tracy about racism. Let's just say that. He's bigger than a cop now. And then arguing with Tracy about racism? Let's just say that. He's bigger than a cop. It was a good night. And now his daughter wears Daisy Dukes. I was alluding to that earlier. When you said your friends are fucking with you about being here,

trying to get in your head, you didn't say who your friends were, but let's out them now. Okay, so, well, all of them. But, like, Luis Gomez was like, we were doing a podcast. Oh, I got fucking Gomez. You want to fucking drunk dial him? Yes, call that motherfucker. Let's call fucking Gomez.

He'll be delighted. Well, hang on. All right. I want to hear what he's giving him shit about. Oh, well, they were. You need headphones, guys. They were just saying Doug was trying to rape me. They can't let me have anything nice, so they were excited to make fun of my haircut

and that Doug is bullying me. How's he bullying you? He's not, but they're just making something up to try to bother me it's funny oh are you texting doug yeah fucking hang on no just call me i'm gonna pull it down because it's making a clicking noise oh sorry uh here while you do that you want me to read some uh shane wait hang on i'm calling lewis might be doing Legion of Skins. It sounded like you were texting.

But call him, who cares? I was texting. Well, maybe they put us on fucking live like real men. Yeah, they've actually been asking us to do that. All right, you guys, everyone here? Oh, shit. I put it on speaker, so that's wrong. No, it's coming through.

Yeah, no. Oh, wait, it's not coming through now. All right. Take it off speaker. I'm putting put it on speaker, so that's wrong. No, it's coming through. Yeah, no. Oh wait, it's not coming through now. Take it off speaker. I'm putting it back on speaker, that's when it's coming through. There we go, we got it. It's on speaker. What did you do, man? I put it on speaker because you said you could hear it.

Fuck. Bluetooth is on. It's alright, it's not fucking answering. No, it's coming through your microphone. It's not coming through the board. That's all right. We'll just hang up. Please leave your message for...

Shh. Give his number out. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Because, yeah, we've talked about this. That night, I think I'm going to leave in a week. We're going to go get an Airbnb somewhere on the east coast

yeah there was no overstaying your welcome no not at all my friends were talking about getting an Airbnb and you know I don't want to well then when we gave you shit you go I thought I was to overstay my welcome

no I said I didn't want to alright you're not used to that I thought I was to overstay my welcome. No, I said I didn't want to. All right. He's being polite, Doug. You're not used to that. Yeah, because if there's no cap on when you leave, somebody has to eventually be like, hey, how long are you staying? Like the handyman on Murphy Brown.

It was a year for Tom Konopka. I'm not going to reach Tom. I'm not going to break Tom's record. He's an Iron Man. And there's some kind of problems out there in the world evidently it was very funny yeah you will see when i leave i actually went to pump gas because this other than farmer's market that's as close as i've got to social interaction, kind of. And you said, coronavirus is bullshit. And then I realized what side my gas tank was on. And you go, I'm kidding.

It's really bad. I'll go inside. I'll pump the gas for you. I'll do the gas. I have gloves. Yeah, I don't want to lose you. Shane, the last 24 hours, the fucking bullshit that's going on, right? I've got three entries for just the last 24 hours in my booklet of Doug's not going to believe this.

I'm going to be so happy in a week. I think, here's the thing, though. I think you're going to believe it. No, you're going to believe it. Well, he said it's about the president being dumb. But he's dumber than he's ever been not saying this is what you were doing but it's funny when people are like I can't believe he said that

what are you talking about of course he fucking said it I can't believe I'm this outraged after three and a half years of being outraged you've taken this to another fucking level and then the reply today, which was just sweetness. Like, this is getting better.

Dear diary, tell Doug this. It is impressive what he's doing. Insane. Next level, man. No, it rules. I'm looking forward to it. It rules. It's so fun to watch.

It rules. Every time I see him talk, I'm like, yes, this is hilarious. Before we get to your letters, your friends are in New York. Yes. That are giving you shit. Are they stuck in their houses? Yes. Yes.

They're all stuck in their houses. In fact, they were giving me shit kind of when I was doing the Airbnb thing before I got here. And now they're doing that. So they were kind of like, oh, you're traveling? No, I don't know about that. Oh, so they left New York City and spread it around? Yeah. Those fucking weasels.

Fuck them. No, they're being funny, but they're just trying to... None of them can be like, oh, that's cool what you're doing. They just all have to be like, yeah, he's probably going to rape you. Yeah, that's what friends do. I think you're gay.

Well, that's a Lewis insult. That's real base level Lewis. He's like, you're probably getting gay raped or something. But no, it's, oh, I'll tell you this. Yeah, they have to be. My mom's worried. My mother is upset. Cause she's been,

uh, watching YouTube videos, searching you and be like, that's who my boy is with. It's like stories about people coming out here, doing acid and shit. She's like, what happened to you?

I'm like, mom, there hasn't been, Call her right now. I haven't seen a drug. I would have done it. I would have done the drugs. Call her right now. I haven't seen one. Call Mother. No way. Come on. No, I gotta fight with her. I gotta fight with her today. Over text. I was like, you need to fucking

back off. I'm a fucking wicked Eddie Haskell when I need to be. I cannot. I am the best. There's no fucking chance I'm putting you on the phone with my mom, dude. Oh come on i could i could give you references of mothers i've talked to where they go fucking olivia's mother i talked to olivia's mother look she's from a cult my mom's just she's got nothing to do so she's trying to worry no religious? No. Fuck. No. See, my mom was Catholic

until she died. Still Catholic. And I think she would rather tell her Republican friends that I was gay than I worked for Doug Stanhope. I'm a fucking... She never

ever said. I think you're a good guy, but I don't think moms see it. No. Oh, my God. He's good with moms. I am so good. Thank you, Tracy. No, you're great.

He's his charmer. If they got to know you, of course. I'm saying if they watch. It's just an act. It's an act you have to do. If they watch Joey Diaz tell a story about you just being an animal on youtube and then they're like that's who my son's with wait your mom you were comedians well now she does now she's searching and then they listen to my podcast now which sucks

and they're like you took saraquil you're doing drugs i'm like you, you need to shut the fuck up. I love you, but please shut the fuck up. So I got that going on. So I had to fight my mom today. Joan, is she alright? She's alright. Joan's alright. Is she listening to this right now? She probably is.

I already fucked it up by saying I'm Eddie Haskell with mother. Now she's looking up Eddie Haskell. No, she knows Eddie Haskell. She's younger than us, probably. How old's your mother? No, she's 63.

She's close. It's all the same. Yeah, she was talking to me about she worries about. Let's talk about her. Does she smoke was talking to me about, like, you know, she worries about. Let's talk about her. Does she smoke cigarettes? No. Does she drink?

Yeah. A lot. My dad's an alcoholic. Like, he drinks every single day. So I'm like, there's less booze here than there. Like, relax. Well. Probably not. You know what I mean.

You know what I mean. I took umbrage to that. I hear you. There's more booze here. Of course there's more booze here. But as far as just, there's one old guy getting drunk and I can get drunk with him or not. Here or there.

Yeah. How many nights would you take off with your dad versus us? Because you've only taken one night off with us. No, there was a stretch of two days, actually. There was a two-day stretch, and then I got hammered. So I've only drank once in the last four days. Wow. Yeah.

And uh So are you gonna get cans? I only actually drank once. The other days were like seven beers. Oh. You know what I mean. It's not drinking.

Seven drinks is not But this is how you become my dad where it's like well I didn't fucking I didn't drink today. Right. It's like how many did you drink?

It's like ten milliliter. This fucker was watching the game. What the fuck? Is he your size? Yeah, he's a big guy. Why are we still on headphones if we're not calling people?

I don't know, the headphones, you can do a little playback. Yeah, it's better for you because you can... I can make sure your mom... What did you just do to my phone?

I put it back on Bluetooth and it seems to be working if you wanted to call someone. Yeah, call Lewis again. Well, he didn't answer the first time. Jay just texted. They're probably... Oh, that's funny.

Share it with the listeners. Certainly don't read it. Are you saving it for the other podcast um hold on you want to do messages emails should i get a overhead cam so everyone can watch you guys on your phones well jay just texted me he's so maybe they're not doing legion of skanks right now yeah Lewis just ignored you Big Jay Oakerson love him I just texted him back can me and Doug call you who

I don't have Big Jay's phone I'll give you the number don't give him the number then he can use that against you on the drunk dialing true look that's also been weighing on me because the last four days i've been relatively sober and boy i've been like jesus christ am i really gonna call you know someone

no we're not well we'll see i looked at it and i go we can do fun ones yeah or not yeah yeah yeah yeah we just do uh like the athletes athletes I have no problem with. Hang on, I'm going to call Drew Carey right now. Hold on, before you dial Drew Carey... That's a fun one. Yeah. Here's something that... Wait, are we just doing the drunk dialing? Shaylee's yelling at us.

Hold on. Patreon, I got a Patreon question about the drunk dialing podcast. They said, can we add to the drunk dialing a spite or punishment pick where Doug or Shane gets to pick someone out of the other person's contest? I thought about that. He has to call and vice versa if there's a penalty. Now, we don't want to

burn bridges or have to because it's like Junior Stopka's bit. It's the next day drunk apologizing. Sorry for telling you exactly what I think about you. Yeah, I've even thought about the preemptive text

on some of these people. Like, hey, I'm thinking about doing this. And then even then, I'm like, well, if they say no, now I can't call them. I don't even know who that is, and how do they have my number? I'm not going to check it until tomorrow. Oh, fuck. Hang on. Alright, we're going to

drunk dial Drew Carey. Oh, God. Price is right, Drew Carey. Fuck, that's in my other phone. Alright, I got nothing. You got nothing in that phone? I got nothing. Want to drunk dial Chad Shank?

It's a terrifying one. Call Manson. It's too early. It's only 8.30. He's not out of bed. He's still in his coffin. What's going on, sir? We're podcasting, and we miss you.

I miss you too. I guess Chaley only told you that we canceled that podcast you were going to do. But the truth is he said yeah, a few people brought this up on Twitter.

He just picked his daughter up from prison and he's like, yeah, maybe that's not the maybe we should give him a week to get rid of the vid that was whenever uh uh i talked about on the twitch stream i said yeah chaley told me it canceled and i go but they're podcasting every day so they didn't cancel the podcast they just canceled canceled my being on the podcast. But I knew what was up. All right, good.

I felt bad for making him lie to you. Listen, I've never been upset once for getting to stay home more. I know. And I said to Chaley, I go, you know, now that we're doing the Skype thing, don't you think Chad would be happier doing it on Skype? But the Skype thing is kind of fucked up still. No, no. Chad, Chad, Doug doesn't understand.

We can do it just like we do issues with Andy, where we just use Skype. We don't try and switch it through, put it through OBS, which is the software that drags it all down. So I would totally do that. Yeah. Whatever, man. But yeah, I kind of was thinking the same lines. I'm going to stay away from everybody for a bit, but I'm

pretty healthy so far. Yeah, I'm still as unhealthy as I've ever been So I'm keeping an even keel Jenny just took me for a walk So I might be healthier than usual Wait, take his temperature I think he's sick

Oh no, I tried to refuse it Alright, bye man We love you Love you guys, take care See you soon. Bye. Bye. All right, read the Shane Gillis.

You remember the part where I said, we're okay on this? It's because it's probably a better idea, and let's just not say anything? Yeah, yeah, and I just said it. What happens when I drink? I say the wrong thing, and I tell the truth. Ah, Shane. This is the Patreon question or Patreon message. Getting a chance to catch up on the podcast in regards to Shane's jerk-off story, day 15, if you want to go back.

It's not totally weird. I'm 31, so similar in age. And my first porn experience, don't you love it when they refer to it as the porn experience? Yeah. Was in my friend's basement around the age of 12 with two guys whom I started my first band with. We had a VHS tape with a plain black and white label entitled Hot for Teacher.

Ours was Butts Motel. And it was a parody of Psycho. Sure. And the guy had a dildo in the shower it wasn't chocolate syrup going down the drain we knew we didn't want to fuck each other and all we wanted we all wanted the girl on the tape so it seemed understood from my standpoint the jerking off was all right in 2015 one of said friends took his own life by hanging in that same basement oh no dude it's still a stand-alone podcast that's us welcome that's our

i've never shared that story with anyone and obviously would never brought it up at his wake him you should uh listener you should go jerk off in that basement again with his ghost Annually Yeah, it'll be just like the old days But yeah, no, he's right He's exactly right And yeah, there were some basement sessions as well He says, point is, if you've ever had a friend with whom you've felt alright to jerk off to porn with

That's a good friend Yes I don't think I have that story to porn with, that's a good friend. Yes. It's good to get some support. I don't think I have that story. I don't think I've ever... I've waited for the other dude to go to bed so I could jerk off while we were watching porn together. Like, all right.

Pablo Francisco. I'll name the name. Both on meth, fucking mullets riding, in Gordon Feinberg's. Oh, no. Yeah, he was his trust fund open mic-er kid, and he had to travel, so we'd stay in his place with his widescreen TV back when it was a big box, and we'd be drinking tequila on meth and we'd watch VHS porn.

Both of us doing a Mexican standoff waiting for the other one to fucking drop so we could jerk off. Oh, and the meth, dude. That had to be... You had to wait like three days. It didn't get a chance to start.

So do I read positive things about Shane? Should we do that? The reams of negative things are so deep. You should go with the positive ones. There's no negative. It's funny, I told you guys this when I checked the Reddit.

What's Reddit? The night I was like I felt bad and I was looking at shitty comments about myself and I was like, you know what and I was looking at like shitty comments about myself and I was like, you know what, I'll cheer up.

I'll check the... Which night? I forget. One of these. Okay. It's blurred. I thought it was specific to the jerk off story.

Yesterday was the first day I actually got the day completely wrong for a whole day. I thought it was Wednesday and it was Thursday. Yeah, I'm getting like

parts of the week wrong. Like I'm not even, I'm not like a day off. Like Friday to me is very surprising. It's called temporal displacement. It's called TP or TD. It's usually associated with smoking weed, and people are reporting the same thing with being at home all the time

and not breaking it up with going to work or the gym or something like that but anyway i was trying to feel good and i checked stanhope's reddit and i was like these guys probably love me one of the episodes just had one comment and it was just like when's that fucking loser gonna leave god damn it dude don't yeah it's a it's a kid thing to fucking check the comments I know I do not want to go to reddit

I've never there's sometimes when they're not about you they're very funny if they're making fun of another

comment or comic I'm like that's funny but yeah alright Kristen Love says Shaylee

you are the connector between two or three of my favorite podcasts, and now Shane Gillis' arrival has completed the trifecta. Shane, this is an opportunity of a lifetime, so hold on tight, having found you through LOS. Yeah, Legion of Skanks.

Longo, your joining Doug is truly the best thing that's come from this bizarre time. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, I'm trying to remember as much as I can, but it is, uh, yeah. I'm not really good. I'm just going to leave here in a month and be like the fuck just happened? What the fuck was that? What the fuck just happened

was a possible title for the book. What the fuck just happened? 2016. I got one more. Yeah yeah and then i also have patreon questions for today but these are from yesterday when we uh had no content and this is what's left over we had no content last night see uh two questions uh have as doug and sh Shane shared a kiss yet. See, I told you, dude. They're trying to force this. No. Shane is really,

he's East Coast all the way. We're going to kiss. We're going to kiss. Don't worry about it. It will be a kiss. This is Sam and Diane. It doesn't happen in the first three episodes.

I'm not a slut. We'll kiss. Pay it out slow, motherfucker. We're going to do it on FaceTime with his mother Once we hit our goal on Patreon Yeah we'll dye the rest of my hair blue And I'll kiss him

When we get 5,000 people on Patreon We kiss We twist our dicks into fucking balloon nuts It's gonna be a small one Yeah yeah but As long as it's technically accurate. The second question was for Shane. How's your desert tan coming along?

Hold on. Do you think the maid goes wild at night thinking of your cute new haircut and brazen Irish skin? No, I don't think the maid's into it if I had to guess the maid was talking about her she got heartbroken by some military guy

that was 27 Shane's 32 he's a kid to us we had fucking more than 20 years on him this dude has five years and she's talking about him He's a kid to us. We get fucking more than 20 years on him. This dude has five years, and she's talking about him like he's an old guy.

Yeah, she's not in. She wants to take you hiking, though. She does. Well, that's not going to help. I'm going to be fucking out of breath halfway up a hill. I'm going to be out of breath on the car ride. That's a pretty easy walk. Dude, do it man You can always just stop and turn around and go back

That's a risky move for her by the way To take out a guy Like hey do you want to go out into the wilderness No no this is old Bisbee This is stairs I showed you in old Bisbee Yeah it's The two hour hike I told you about Yeah that's way easier

Than stairs in Old Bisbee. That's straight up fucking hills. Yeah, also, an ambulance can get to the bottom of the stairs easy. And you can tumble down them when she strikes you for touching her inappropriately. It'll be like The Shining. I'll be walking up the steps like, come on. Hey, Kimberly wants to know the recipe for the watermelon jalapeno thing. I put eight chunks of watermelon and a jalapeno sliced up into a Jose Cuervo margarita mix.

And then that's it. I did not muddle them. If I muddled them, it would be way too jalapeno. Why is all of fucking his emails chicks, and all of mine are fucking dudes and misfits? No, that was a girl who asked you your recipe. I put all of the fucking, he gets chick emails. Because I'm a fucking heartthrob,

dude. They see the video. They're like, that guy looks like it's throbbing through your Notre Dame fucking sweatsuit. Here's a question. My heart is throbbing, dude. Here's a question from

Madtown Music Lover. It's a question from mad town music lover uh it's a it's a dude what can i do as a friend for a friend or chicks what can i do as a friend for a friend that fake force laughs at everything it's always and only at a very loud we've seen comedy shows together, including yours, and it always comes up from the comedian to settle the fuck down. How do you approach aggressive laughters? Well, I mean, Shane could also. Yeah.

You have those shows where someone's laughing against peer pressure. Like, stop laughing because no one else is. You're throwing me off. Laughter is ruining my comedy because of you. Yeah, that's always uncomfortable when someone's laugh is clearly disrupting other people. Because they can't see, but the whole circle of people around them is like, I wish this guy would shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm just like, dude, I know you're having fun.

It's hard to kick out a heckler that's having fun. Hey, stop enjoying yourself. It's like, you're having too much fun, shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's a tough one. Yeah, I have a million throwaway lines for that or i come up with one where you succumb to peer pressure and stop laughing there's nothing compared to the the bad ones are like somebody you didn't see that was mentally handicapped or somebody with yeah i've got hold on let me tell you this one this is a so i was at mcgoobies where you just baltimore

like any stage you can you can only see the first couple rows. And then you can only see shadows. And I saw this dude holding onto the back of a woman's shirt, leaving the show. And I was just like... And no one said anything. And I was like, wait, is no one going to talk about how fucked up that guy was?

He was fucked up. And then I went back to my set and then he walked in and when he walked in the second time I could see that he wasn't hammered. He was a mentally handicapped man that was being chaperoned to the bathroom. And I stopped the whole show

when he walked out. I was like, look at that fucking idiot. And he walked in and I was just like, oh. Oh, fuck. You guys could have told me. I'm so sorry. These are the breaks. Yeah, that was a tough one.

What do you got, Chaley? Chaley just ran to piss and got back just in time. That was a quick one, dude. I'm still peeing. He's also a fellow edible fan. So this might be... I don't know that I'm a fan. They work sometimes and they don't work the other times.

And that's what's good about booze. When booze doesn't work, you don't know. You just wake up the next day like, was I a dickhead? When weed doesn't work... Yeah, but you're used to it. Yeah, when weed doesn't work, it's just. You don't take a shot and go, oh, it kept me up all night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like sometimes weed puts me to bed and other times like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking weirdo going, I know I'm. This is probably an awkward question. Oh, fuck. Am I being weird does everyone hate me everyone fucking hates me yeah yeah even a bad booze trip

you're like everyone fucking loves me dude no one can stop me these people are assholes not me yeah it's consistent

yeah any more yeah Jeff I got a bunch here Jeff Jeff wants to know about the new Netflix special,

which the only reason I'm bringing this up is it's the one we're talking about. Yeah, it's not a Netflix special. Netflix wants nothing to do... Not only did they not pick up this special, and Hannigan went, Oh, when this bit goes out, it's going to be fucking...

Yeah, Netflix not only doesn't want this special but they didn't want to continue any other special they used to carry stop calling us lose the number yeah no keep fucking with them yeah keep adding at Netflix hey when are you

gonna get the fucking Doug Stanhope special you have free time. Fucking torture him on Twitter. Or start promoting other streaming services

that have more... Maybe Disney Plus will pick it up. I think so. Oh, yeah. From what I've... Disney Plus would be a good one.

Yeah, I think so. I think they're going to cave back in picking up the fucking next Johnny Depp... What's his vehicle? Pirates, yeah. Wait, I thought he lost that. Yeah, he did, but he'd probably get it back now that... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take another sip. Come back. Come back to it. I got one more here. I thought I had more. Close on something. If you do want to submit questions to the podcast, go to stanhopodcast at gmail.com

or become a member on Patreon for as little as a dollar a month. We're the only one. For a limited time only. We're the only one that does a dollar a month. I don't know. You guys do a dollar? We do one dollar.

We're the dollar store of podcasts. We're not trying to rip people off. We're the dollar general. We can't say dollar store. Different day and age. I'm going to have to pay for that ventilator somehow so we had a guest earlier uh mike uh nickelback mike yep and uh we were talking to him and a fan had sent us an email about canadian bands nickelback and bare naked ladies were two that we talked about. We should check out Walk Off the Earth. And that was the cover band that I showed you earlier.

Nickelback, on that Oxford University thing I watched in preparation, talked about, goddammit, they're a famous Canadian band. God damn it, it's so close. Rush? No, no, no. It's more recent. It's in the Barenaked Ladies era.

We were talking about Creed. No, no. It's a fucking... God damn it. I'm going to hate myself for not remembering. In what reference? What were you guys talking about? Just a Canadian band that they recommended

that they were influenced by... Fuck. God, I can't call him back. Can't call him. He's too late. He's asleep now. Yeah, it's 8.45 p.m. He's asleep.

All right. You'll figure it out. Someone will... Someone, yeah. Just stanhopepodcast at g p.m. he's asleep. All right. You'll figure it out. Someone will. Someone, yeah. Yeah, someone. Stanhopepodcast at gmail.com. Yeah. Yeah.

I brought that up because we watched the video and I thought it was very entertaining. And yeah, they have five million views and they have three point something million followers. So yeah, they can put together pretty fucking sweet videos because they're making some bank are we done oh big jay's calling oh oh talk to him yeah give him doug's number yeah hold on hey yeah let me call you from doug's phone so you're on the podcast

Hey. Leo, let me call you from Doug's phone so you're on the podcast. Please do it. No, we can do it another day. We'll do it another day. I can hear through the headphones. It's not going to happen. Wait, did you hear what he said? No, I could hear that.

He goes, dude, I'm on something. I can't do it right now. It's like, oh, dude, no, no. He goes, dude, I'm on something. I can't do it right now. It's like, dude, do it, do it. Who cares? Listen, we need more product. Christine stopped long enough for him to dial the phone. All right, good.

Yeah, a thing I was going to ask earlier was, are you guys who do drugs, are you still getting your drug dealer? I started this sentence like an hour ago, and I didn't get to the point was, of all the things I want to know, hey, people who do drugs, is your drug dealer still in?

Or is he like, no, I'm done from coronavirus. I'll show up at your house in six months. Yeah, I wonder how many drug dealers are real health conscious. Sticklers for quality? Yeah, so email that to, what's the email address? Stanhope Podcast. Wait, what are we having to email?

If they're still getting drugs or if they're drug dealers, are they still delivering drugs? Like, I want to know what drug dealers are doing. I would imagine the weed dealers are out. Killing. No, I bet their heart wasn't in the game compared to a Coke dealer or a meth dealer. I mean, meth, they're still rolling. Wait, a weed grower who deals?

No, I'm just saying like a casual pot dealer. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, my one cousin sells weed. They're getting their $1,200 check. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So let us know.

Let us know what's going. That's not a news break. So tell us, yeah, if you do drugs or if you're delivering drugs, how's your business doing? To be clear, we don't want drug dealer numbers or names or emails. No, no, no. I'm just wondering about people who do drugs. How has that fallen off for you?

Has it dried up? Yeah, or has it picked up? A lot of people aren't working. You hear that, Mom? We don't fucking know. You don't know. Because no one here is doing drugs. Seroquel is a fucking sleeper.

It's something. Well, it makes you sleep. It's something, dude. That thing fucked me up. Mother, if you're listening to this. Hold on, hold on. I'm going to switch to your camera. You look right at camera one. This is going to go back to dancing. I want you to talk right to Joan. Do not do what you're doing. this. I'm going to switch to your camera. You look right at camera one, right?

I want you to talk right to Joan. Joan, right now. Joan, you motherfuckers. I have taken care of your boys. I cook them breakfast. I make them dinner. I make sure he's eating healthy. I make him smoothies with beets, asparagus,

carrot juice, and spinach, and some fruit. Not too much sugar. I make sure the kid's eating, because you know how he eats? Did you teach him this, Joan? Did you teach him to just put some fucking 99-cent bread

with some deli... There's no vegetables. He's not fucking... Hey, well hi what dude talk to my mom don't do shit on my diet i'm taking care of the kid i drive him around i show him some mountains that he thinks you're spectacular he's not like interacting with people who have the virus? Are you doing that, Joan? Do you still go to senior lunch? Those people are dirty. They're dirty.

I keep your boy clean. I care more about your boy than you do. There you go. Yeah, please, because she's not going to get this, but please send me this clip so I can send it to her. It'll be online. She's on Reddit. Yeah, she's on Reddit.

She's probably the one person that Doug said, when's this piece of shit going to come home? Bingo, for God's sakes, take us out of this. This has gone on too long okay bye bye now Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.