The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#388: Day 24 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

Day 24. Chad joins the podcast through Skype and meets Shane Gillis. Recorded April 26th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Shane Gillis (@shanemgillis), Tracey Wernet (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast - http://mattandshanessecret.libsyn.com/Join Chad on TWITCH. Go to www.TWITTER.com/hdfatty for link and instructions.Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night, I'm... Good night, I'm... I'm on you. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello! Chad Shank via Skype. Cheers. I just realized our hypocrisy with the fucking Chad Shank thing.

Because Officer Bob Friendly, who's now, well, we'll say it. Yeah, he's in a position where we go, ah, maybe Chad, you know, he's got the daughter thing. And he's just picked her up from

fucking prison. And that's not a real clean place. But then fucking Officer Bob Friendly who deals with more fucking criminals than him, he's been over twice. I saw a thing the other day and it was talking about you can't really go down

any rabbit holes or do any logical thinking about this kind of stuff. They were talking about dropping off food. They said you can have them drop it off outside, and then you assume that the person that had it touched the bag. So then you take it out of the bag, and then you put it in the sink, and you clean it off.

And I was like, who the fuck is doing all that? And why are you only assuming that the dude who carried it? What about the guy who made your food? You're eating food. dude who carried it what about the guy who made your food you're eating food don't you know chad you know about olivia grace's uh uh taped off quarantine zone inside the house no she has like a couple of like cross-hatched areas with like masking tape and they they go into one area and then after they pass a day they move to another another. I don't know how she does it, but she's got baskets of stuff that goes into quarantine. Oh, no.

I'm not making fun, Olivia. I think you're very organized. Yeah, I was in Sierra Vista, and I went to the car wash where they won't take cash. And I'm like, how long does it live on money? A long time? But then I'm like, I almost use my fucking American Express. It's a fucking platinum card, and that's where it lives the longest,

is on fucking stainless steel. I'm like, which credit card is the least viral, least receptive? Shane Gillis has just joined us Hey Oh hold on There you go You're on there Hey how's it going

He's right here I can't get the screen any bigger That's okay For now What's up man Pleasure to sort of meet you sir Yeah this is Almost meeting

How are you I thought i thought for a second that you guys had met but that was just joe b i can't fucking keep track of time anymore who is here when for what i thought we were starting at six. We drove, I drove Shane through Sierra Vista and then through Tombstone the back way yesterday and we took Hereford Road and I go, fucking Chad Shank lives out here

somewhere and God knows if I could have found it. But I thought about stopping by and I go, he probably doesn't want me to. Well, you thought right. but I thought about stopping by and I go, he probably doesn't want me to. Uh, well, you,

you thought, right. I don't, I don't mind. It's a Joby jokes all the time that people talk about suicide by cop. And Joby says he'll just do suicide by Chad Shank. And he'll do it by showing up at my house without letting me know. First,

I don't, uh, I don't mind having visitors over, but I'd, by Chad Shank and he'll do it by showing up at my house without letting me know first. I don't mind having visitors over, but I like to get in the right headspace first. Yeah, I wasn't going to stay. I was just going to yell over the fence like we did to Joby. But yeah, I've

only been to your house once to drop you off or pick you up from something. Yeah. And I didn't go in. No, this is it. This is my house right here. All of it. Honey, can I have another whiskey sour, please?

I finally watched the, I don't know how to pronounce his name correctly, but Sam Morrill. I watched that this morning. Yeah. It's great. Good special, yeah. Is it Morrill or correctly, but Sam Morrill. I watched that this morning. Yeah, it's great. It's a good special, yeah. Is it Morrill or Morrell? Sam Morrell.

Morrell. Yeah, Sam Morrell. What is that on? It's on YouTube. He's got a free special on YouTube. I think it came out like a year or two ago. No, no, no. It came out.

And it's free? Just came out. Just put it up in the last probably like four months. Yeah, Sam's awesome. Great dude, too. There's one premise I go, ah, fuck, that's real close, but then I forgot it so I don't care. Well, some of those guys,

like Sam and Norman and them, they're so prolific that they're gonna touch every single premise. They're gonna have a joke with the same, but I mean, it's just, they do so many fucking jokes. So yeah. You just got to kind of be like, alright. Three quarters of the way through

I went, I wish I watched this with a fucking notepad. Still hung over in the morning. Just to bring up points that were good. So what Just to bring up points that were good. So who's the guest? Chad Shank. Chad, are you a comedian?

No, I'm a host. Oh, really? Yes. All right. Then I've heard you. I've heard you a couple times then. That might be possible. Oh, wait.

Did your daughter just get out of jail yeah definitely heard you Shane had some questions about biker gangs and if they're really a thing I go talk to Chad Shank about that and then we just asked officer Bob Friendly about it

and when he got into it I go yeah we probably don't want to talk about this on the air but yeah I don't know i just i i saw a couple guys riding by on bikes and i was like a biker game still uh yeah a couple we're still doing something we drove for like three hours we must have seen a hundred fucking bikers yeah it was just a saturday afternoon and it's beautiful out so well it's a perfect time to be out on the road, especially on two wheels. There's no cars.

Oh, shit. Very few people. It's an outdoor activity that's completely viable social distance-wise. Yeah, until you see them lined up at the fucking pulled pork stand. They're all sitting there like kids. There's like 20 of them. Yeah. Touching each other.

I guess you don't want people coughing out your window when you're following them. I don't know. Like I said, you can't go down that rabbit hole. You gotta keep your sanity. You're not gonna catch something from someone coughing out their window. Are you having fun with this, Chad? Am I what?

Having fun with this? With what? The whole fucking situation. I know your life hasn't changed much. Yeah, it's cliche. It's weird because people are starting to relate to what my life is like, and then it just makes me feel like a bigger piece of shit because people are using their time valuably, and i'm taking naps after i just woke up so i don't know i've i i can't stand

being stuck in the house it's been two months i'm like i've been stuck in the house for years i don't it doesn't bother me at all i i'm absolutely enjoying the lack of pressure, like fucking taxes, eventually. Yeah. The epilogue for the book. When they say they're sending someone here to record it, I'll write that up real quick. Tell me when he boards the plane.

Yeah. Who knows what the epilogue is? Two weeks from now, everyone might be dead. i might want to include that in the follow-up to the book here's here's another netflix if you got any new ones for me chad everyone's desperate but uh really good uh movie uh once upon a time in england that's a it's a yeah it's a 1940s british gangsters that predated the cray brothers oh okay i think i saw that on there yeah and the guy that the star gangster he looks like uh he looks like john taffer he's like as is just his face sells the fucking movie when you watch

the trailer. Did the Krays have something to do with music in the UK? I don't remember exactly. I just know one of them was retarded. That was kind of the point. One of them was like a gay autistic psycho.

So that was the whole movie. One of them would just freak out and ruin everything. Legend? Yeah, legend. Except it's one of those we were talking about before. It's one where one actor plays two people. That makes me fucking crazy.

It's so fucking annoying the whole time. I'm obsessed with the show The Deuce on HBO and I can't watch it because James Franco plays two characters. Is that with Buscemi? Is Buscemi in that one? To repeat myself, one James Franco is way too much. I like Franco.

You don't like James Franco? No. No. I don't like all that fucking cornball shit. Oh, now I'm going to Harvard. Now I'm going to do a soap opera, even though I'm a star. Okay, yeah. It reeked of insincerity.

Yeah, I'll give you that. And it might have been sincere, but it didn't come across as that. Going back to school is the easiest way to get young pussy, is what I thought it was all about. Or being James Franco. Yeah, I don't think he's... Being James Franco going back to school is going to get you all the young pussy.

There'll be none left. I think he got, like, me-too'd for running an acting class where he would, like, do sex scenes. Yeah, that's true. And everyone was just like, well, he's hot. Everybody just was like, no, that doesn't matter.

I'd let him me-too me. Yeah, he's a. Everybody just was like, no, that doesn't matter. I'd let him meme to me. Yeah, he's a hunk. Yeah, I think it was Pineapple Express I think he was good at. Pineapple Express is hilarious. I think that's before I knew he was a douchebag. You're right about the Harvard and that stuff. A little pretentious.

Guiding Light or something he's on. Yeah. Soap opera? Yeah, he was on Guiding light or something he's on. Yeah. Soap opera? Yeah, he was on some daytime soap opera when he was big. I mean, I don't know if he was a recurring thing. It was like a quirky stunt. I have no idea. It seemed like that.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't watching the show. You weren't tuning in to Guide the Light? Check out your storm? What was that, Chad? I was asked if he played himself in a cameo as James Franco on Guiding Light.

That's been pretty doozy. I do have a question, Doug. We talked about it last night, but it was off the air. It was about the movie's Friday? Next Friday? I don't know anything about that series. Someone asked... We talked about it last night, but it was off the air. It was about the movies Friday or next Friday. I don't know anything about that series. Someone asked.

I brought it up when we were talking about the sequels. Yeah, so this person, Michael Sasser, wanted to know what you think about those movies. I don't. I think we covered that. Yeah, I think it was he never saw any of them. I'm surprised that you ever watched any of those movies. Why? Because they just seem cheese dicky.

Those movies? No, they're hilarious. No, you're crazy. Well, I've never heard anyone say that. Well, Michael says the first two were good, but the third was fun, but lost the series gusto. He's right. He's absolutely right. The third one was like a Christmas one with Cat Williams in a strip mall.

Although, Cat Williams fucking rules. I think we can all agree on that. You don't like Cat Williams? You're crazy. What? No. All I've seen is meltdown videos of his. Which are hilarious. He got up his body like a teenager. This is fucking awesome.

That was my favorite one. Yeah, he's the man. What's that, Chad? That was my favorite video. It was where the 8th grader beat the shit out of him. That was bad luck, though. That was a big 8th grader. I saw that video.

That 8th grader would have been a problem for a lot of people. He put him in a fucking chokehold in front of everybody. All the more reason for the last Cat Williams to not talk shit to that big-ass eighth grader. I know. It was like one of those eighth graders you see at the Little League World Series where you're like,

holy fuck, kid's like 6'2". He's been held back a few times. Yeah. But, no, Cat Williams has... That's one you should watch you wanna watch his special he has a green suit he's wearing an all green suit

it's very funny you'd like it I was looking for some when I was watching stand up I was looking for some what do you call it diversity I can't just keep fucking calling out

my fucking white dude friends that are my age. Cat Williams was really good on Stern years ago when Cat Williams had a bunch of stuff going on before the guns at the airport and stuff like that. And it was a really good interview because fucking Cat's crazy. Like he always gets paid in cash at the end of the night. So he's doing big, huge theaters.

And he's walking out of there with a fucking case full of cash and strapped heavy. And he's just got fucking crazy. And then Stern's expert at fucking drawing it out. Yeah. Yeah, it was really good. I'm trying to remember where we did that. Me and Hennigan were real skeptical about some booker, so we demanded to get paid in cash.

I think it had to be a foreign country, or Hennigan wouldn't have been there. But I remember sitting there counting it out and then going, wow, we're going to walk around with this? It's not fucking good. Which door are you leaving through? A bunch of guys with bats.

Was that Hennigan or was that you, Chaley? No, I'm not talking about my stories with money. Why? Because we don't do that. We get paid in check all the time. We never walk around with cash. No, but this was a specific time.

We don't. There was a specific time where either Hennigan was there or Hennigan demanded that we get paid in cash because he thought the guy was shaking. Yeah, it was New Orleans. Oh, okay. Which one? All right, never mind. A long time ago, we changed our business practices since then. No, you guys all left me. You want me to tell the story yeah tell the story one-eyed jacks and then you went somewhere with

bingo to go watch rob play carlos valencia was wasted i think before his set was over he couldn't walk and junior split with maggie and now i've got a booker that i'm getting paid in and i'm like nothing bad happens in new orleans from a place called one-eyed jacks and i don't even know which way to turn out the door that's a that's a trivia that's where andy dick got punched in the fucking head and knocked out out in front he played one one-eyed jacks. And evidently, he had grabbed some guy's cock. The guy came out and fucking decked him. That's a con on tape. It's on tape, him getting knocked out?

Yeah. Grabbing a dick? That's awesome. No, not the grabbing a dick. Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those, like, bang-bang plays. No, when they found the guy, he's like, yeah, he grabbed my dick. Of course, he punched me in the face. They just didn't get the dick grabbing

salesman i watched that on the criterion collection i've seen it before it's a 1969 documentary about bible salesmen in new england and it's fucking brilliant. I mean, it's just like a road version of Glen Gary, Glen Ross, but from that era, and guys shagging up together in motels when they go on the road to sell Bibles, and people are letting them into that house. Yeah, that's like a groundbreaking documentary, right? That was one of the first... Yeah, you're just imagining people being on camera back then that are...

Okay, yeah, I guess you can come into my house. We don't have the money. We can't do a dollar a week. They sold them on time? Yeah, yeah. It's fucking crazy. I was saying I wish Tom Konopka was in bed with me to watch this.

Just that same kind of fucking ground and pound, door to door grift fucking shit. Absolutely brilliant. So that's one you probably haven't watched in your lockups. What was that? Salesman?

Salesman. I think I studied I study go ahead Simon I've been watching on Amazon Prime they had a free trial for 30 days of the A&E channel and it's nothing but fucking crime look I just watched I shot my parents earlier I mean there's stuff on there that you can imagine is it would be a fucking show but it's i'm enjoying that one uh that's a fucking one of the brilliant bits on the sam moral uh i don't want to yeah give it away it's free it's on youtube it's uh but he talks about watching too much like murder shows and suv like to the point where i'm not even paying

attention to it this shouldn't be like background music murder like jazz sorry i did a watch this special i did a huge disservice to the bit we'll put a link in the show notes because that is really we talked about it before that is on youtube so, so it's out there. Hey, Chaley dyed my little tuft of hair that's left green. So if you can catch that. I thought it would be more shocking green, but there's not that much hair there to really collect the color. It looks good. Yeah, I'm finally part of the Trailingos.

The Tracy Chaley Bingo hair dye club. You know what it is? It's the same color as the walls in here. That's what I said at the beginning. I didn't know if it was green or if I was just getting a strange reflection on the wall.

Yeah, if you stand against the wall, Doug, you look bald. Do me, Tracy. Got it. Have you been... How's your excess doing in quarantine out there? What's that now?

I said, how is your excess doing? Are you drinking more, less? More. I'm not since the last year when I started doing this stream. I got to do it three days a week, then I drink and then I

got up this morning and drank for issues with Andy. That's right. Monday's your only day off, right? Friday. That's right. Monday's your only day off, right? Friday. Friday, Monday. I don't have any obligations. We're getting a weird connection right now.

Oh. Oh. What game do you play on Twitch? Right now, we're playing Call of Duty, the new Call of Duty, but everyone kind of hates it. I don't know why Shane's not out. Shane's in there fucking playing video games all day. Get on their Twitch stream. Yeah, I got to get a system.

I'm bringing it in. Yeah. I just don't want to have to be able to do it right before they go live. So I'll bring it in tonight or tomorrow, and so we'll jump on on Tuesday, Chad. Right on. Come on. We don't know how to play. We're not that kind of Twitch streamers.

Most of the time on a Twitch stream. No, I suck. Most of the time we just sit in the load menu and talk and tell stories and drink and smoke. So it's kind of like a podcast video game distractions. Yeah. Are numbers going up? Definitely. We're staying right around 400 and about 430 subscribers right now.

And staying right around 400. We keep getting to celebrate hitting 420 over and over. People dropping out and coming back in. Because the numbers, yeah, the numbers, you have to resubscribe. If you use the free subscription, you have to resubscribe every month so people forget. So the numbers go up and down. So we just keep getting to celebrate 420.

So that's kind of a running joke. Pays for the internet. It pays for the booze. It's a good hustle. It's the time for it you go to on twitter and it's the pinned tweet

tells you how to join in with the joe being chat and sometimes we join in it's been a while we've been having a hack on Saturdays and that dude is fucking funny. I love that.

Hacks doing a cooking show? Chad, do you know about that? Yeah. Another Fat Guy Cooks on YouTube. The Fat Guy Cooks? Is that the name of it, or are you just describing it? Another Fat Guy Cooks is the title of it. describing it.

Another Fat Guy Cooks is the title of it. We've been playing around with some strange recipes. We have baked potatoes with green beans and gravy. Oh, that was great. And something else. That was really good. He gave me a giant bowl of mashed potatoes as a meal one day. Oh, yeah, that's what it was.

It was mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, and cheese. Maybe some peppers? Oh, yeah, peppers. I don't know. We had a lot of potatoes. We had tuna melts last night. Just remind me. Oh, you know what I was going to make you tonight,

but I'll save it for tomorrow, is English muffin French toast. Fucking great. Yeah, I tried that for the first time during quarantine. Those tuna melts were great. They were. I forgot I ate them. And then I ate more mashed potatoes last night like I was high, and I wasn't even high.

Was that a condescending laugh or is the Skype we want you over here before this fucking Shane guy tries to sneak out the back door. We're in it. I'm sure I'm a player of the virus, but showing no symptoms. The Skype just goes up at the perfect time of you with a giant cloud wafting out of your head. And we lost the audio, but it was a perfect fucking picture for it. Fucking internet. You know what would be good is maybe Friday, the last day. Oh, yeah, Friday.

I'm done with this fucking news break. It's really irritating to me and everyone else that no one can say anything to me, and I go to ask you a question, and I can't ask that. So, yeah, Friday, I'm done with this shit. No, we're recording the 30th day. Yeah, we're going to record that day when I get all the news.

I'll have Joby tell me all the fucking dead celebrities to push the dead. I definitely would like to be there for that one. Friday it is. Is that your issues with Andy Day? No, you just said that's your day off. That's release day.

Yep, yep. Day off. How fucking ridiculous, huh? Chad has... Yeah, his days have been off for most of his adult life. Yeah, what do you do? Well, now he's got fucking two issues with Andy a week,

and he's got Twitch three times a week. What were you doing before that? Nothing. Disability, like everyone else in town. Just chilling. Disabled veteran. Oh. He worked in the motor pool in the Army.

So I do absolutely nothing all day. I wasn't joking when I said wake up and take a nap. That was the real thing. That's good. No, probably not. Yeah, I know, but what else would you do? It's somebody's dream.

Bingo and I are going to do the Ancestry.com thing tomorrow. We've had the things around forever. Wait, is that a couple's kit? Is that... Yeah, she got... Well, you haven't done it. We have to do it and then send it in.

But yeah, Chad found out his daughter is not his daughter through that. Oh, shit. Right before she was going into jail. Now, what are you taking naps? That's a bummer. She's an adult now. They suspected highly anyway.

Chad definitely did. I want to know if I have fucking illegitimate kids. 23andMe is not going to tell you if you have illegitimate kids. Well, can't they? That's how they find me. I don't know how it works, but people find each other. The 23andMe tells you your ancestry. You're thinking about Ancestry.com

which genealogy. Find a kid somewhere. Yeah, we're doing Ancestry. Even 23andMe has a deal with other people. If you say, upload me to the database because my daughter is trying to find out who her father is

because she found a cousin through 23andMe so yeah if you have an offspring somewhere that took a DNA test it might go up or even second cousins it's really weird how they can because that's how they found that one that one cold case murderer

couple yeah yeah that's what I want to find out if I've murdered people. Serially. But you have to agree to have your DNA put in a giant database. Yeah, or a relative does. Yeah. Oh, and then your murder gets fucked. Yeah.

Or someone makes a mistake and all of a sudden, oops, it's in there. Yeah, we we listen to a whole podcast that actually talked me out of doing this, and I forget how it went, so I'm going to do it. You forgot. Yeah. We're against it, so now it's okay. We don't give you DNA to a company, right? At my age.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. What could possibly go wrong? You're absolutely giving your DNA to a company. Who is? Doug is. Oh. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

23andMe is a company. That's what I mean. It's ancestry. I've heard there's actually a difference. 23andMe is kind of hinkier, but it's still. The other one will get hinky if they're not already. But I don't really care. Yeah, I guess it doesn't fucking matter.

What's the government going to do with your DNA? No, I mean it. No, I'm saying, what the fuck are they going to do? I think this is where white privilege comes into play pretty heavily. Like, yeah, I make a decent living. I'm a white guy. They've never really let us down I trust them I'm pretty resigned

to the fact that having been in the military the government has all my DNA that they wanted they knew what you know they collected that shit already yeah you got fingerprints and pictures it doesn't it's not like they're going to phone me what was that?

Yeah, you cut out again. It's having me drive through the border checkpoint over here. You got to go through those facial recognition big, gigantic 3D camera setups. Yeah, those are crazy. Yeah, that's why I dyed this shock of hair green so they won't know who I am.

Doug's in deep undercover. I'm going back to high school as a narc. Fucking 51 Jump Street. However old you are. I have no idea how old you are. It's close. Carnival rules. You win 53.

You're 53? Yeah. You look good for how shitty your lifestyle is. You look really good. First hand, now you know. That's why I'm in the sun. Fucking suntan. You can be fucking bubbling

with AIDS. You get a tan and they say, you look healthy. There is those things, though. We were talking to that lady last night. She's fucking old. It's like, what's your secret? It's like fucking tequila? Margo.

You're going to be one of those. You're going to be like 108. I mean, what's your secret? A pack of cigarettes and a blackout drunk. Chad, I called Margo last night. It was just her 81st birthday, and I put her on speakerphone for Shane because I had told him that she has a deeper voice than even you,

and I was right. Yeah, that was a fucking... Amazing, right? That was crazy. I hope she's not listening. There's no way she's listening. No, no. But she fucking...

No, she fucking loved it. I don't know what she sounds like. Oh, no. She celebrates everything that we'd say about her. Yeah. Good sense of fucking humor, too. Yeah. That was great.

You're talking about somebody who had passed away, and she was like, well, you and me are alive, so we got that going. Yeah, I don great. You're talking about somebody who had passed away and she was like, well, you and me are alive, so we got that going. Yeah, I don't know if you ever met Mike Palmer, but Mike Palmer died a couple days ago.

Oh, I was wondering. Him and Dunwoody would come over. We called them Senior Lunch when they'd come for football. They're two old guys that had just picked through whatever spread we had out for food

and eat as much as they could leave because they're on a limited budget. And they didn't like anybody. And Dunwoody does not like to be called Dunwoody. It's Chris. Really? That's why we had to settle on it. I go, but Dunwoody is such a beautiful name.

You just want to say Dunwoody. It's not like you're calling him Peckerhead. And that is his name. Yeah, it was... So we settled on Mr. Dunwoody. So we could still say Dunwoody. Yeah, some respect. So, yeah, Dunwoody's playing

fucking tennis up against a wall like Mitch Hedberg because his tennis partner is now deceased. Oh, that's sad. Mike Palmer was... That was a fucking sad one. Mike Palmer is the reason that I live in Bisbee because when I was filming a pilot here, I always used to come here because I loved it. because when I was filming a pilot here, I always used to come here because I loved it, and I was filming a pilot, and I met him afterwards at the Copper Queen,

and we're sitting around a table full of crew and locals, and I said, yeah, I always thought about moving here, and Mike Palmer just picked up his phone. Oh, you need to talk to Margo then. She was a real estate lady lady and just put the phone in my face she was like hello yes hello gwen is that you the only thing i can think of in that price range is 212 van dyke it sounds like someone trying to keep their identity hidden on like a gangland show you want to live in Bisbee? I'm an 81-year-old woman.

I don't think you are. I think you're lying. Last time she was here, we had her on the podcast and she got so fucking hammered. Really? And she's a big woman. Big.

She's tall? Thick. Not fat, but big sturdy yes and she got so drunk that it took three of us to get her up the driveway into the suburban and then into her house damn how we you didn't know that she's how long has she been she sounds She sounds like a minor's daughter from Bisbee, though. No, I can't remember where she was from. I mean, she's been on the podcast and told us, but she was a Bisbee person since the hippies moved in in the 70s.

But she did spend some time down Mexico way. Yeah. She was a cook on like a line cook for a rancher. I imagine like a chuck wagon. God damn. Oh, she's got a fucking million stories. She's fucking fantastic. We pulled up in front of her house yesterday and started screaming

because I saw her door was partially ajar, but she's so fucking deaf. Yeah, even with both of my hearing aids, I don't hear shit. Just come to the door next time. Damn, just a big, giant white woman cooking shit in Mexico? That must have been crazy. And she used to be really hot, according to all accounts of people

who've seen pictures of her in her heyday. She sounds hot. She's a handsome woman. Yeah, she still is. I could see that for sure. Now I kind of want to fuck Margo. Whenever we had to carry her, I had to carry her in from the suburban into her house.

I could feel her bust. Luckily, she had a belt that she wore around so that I could hold on to her belt and help guide her in. She has a special belt for helping her home. Drunk. Yeah. But she got real huggy. I liked hugging Margo. She's a sexy old lady.

She hugs back. Wait, is she actually anyone? Yeah. All right. Take it easy, man. Hey, hey. She's a sexy old lady. She hugs back. Wait, is she actually 81? Yeah. Alright, take it easy, man. Hey, hey. She's your size. Stop hugging people that are 81 like that. I just hugged back. You don't say no to Margo. Yeah. We had her on.

We were filming that pilot in 2016 here and we had her on as a guest and she had a fucking mini stroke before we started filming but still rallied went out the next night had another mini stroke didn't know what it was then finally went to the hospital

yeah that was the problem I had two mini strokes in two days then we went to the double P and Tio Setti's nurse... Betty and Cedric were there and they were they set up that stand

to sell Tio Setti's so everyone went down to where no one goes, the Double P, and all of a sudden there's a commotion in the bar area and Margot had slumped over and had had had another episode and then the paramedics

came in and wheeled her out from the bar. Holy shit! What's going on over there? We just see lights outside. Margo's died like eight times. You know she has one lung, right? She has one lung?

Alright, you guys are lying about this. She had a lung cancer and she had a lung removed. But she slowed down on her smoking a bit. Only when I'm drinking with you. She was supple-upagus on the Sesame Street.

No one can see her. A town treasure. Yeah. I don't know. I should say this because Tom and I had lunch at the Double P before the whole thing went down. That was a damn good burger. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It was a little bit after lunchtime, but, you know, there's no one in there. Now I understand why, but it's good food there. lunchtime but you know there's no one in there now i understand why but it's good food there and i never i never think to go there but that's on the way to safeway shane i don't know if you're tin town i showed you tin town yeah yeah we've been driving so much chad uh just yesterday with bingo fucking two hours on mushrooms, her on mushrooms, and I just drove around in the red van and showed... I found streets in Old Bisbee I've never seen.

Oh, Chad, you play video games. Bingo dresses like a creative player in fucking Grand Theft Auto. Like in multiplayer Grand Theft Auto. The outfit she wore today like you'd see that

she was wearing a sparkly bra top and then kind of like tighty whiteys but with a design like hearts on them but like bird cloud would wear the little tighty whitey boy underpants the top looked like Gloria

Stefan with a Miami Sound Machine or something. It's a bra, but it's actually a top. And a red top hat. It was a top hat with like a giant feather and then huge circular glasses. Elton John reflecting glasses.

I walked in and I was like, this is... Looking for the Camaro? What's up? How are you? How are you doing? Shane takes pictures of nothing to send out or put on Twitter. I don't know if I respect that or resent it. Well, I don't want to do that. Yeah, it's your place.

I'm not just going to fucking walk in and be like, holy shit, look at this fucking thing. Shane took zero pictures. We went down Tombstone, whatever the main drag is in tombstone where the gunfighters normally would be i expected some fucking freaks to be out like you know i said i said to shane i said uh yeah this is a different level of renfair people the the ones that dress up like fucking wyatt erp and do gunfights. And he goes, yeah, I know.

I'm from Gettysburg. Yeah, I'm from near Gettysburg. There's thousands of those motherfuckers show up. And the best ones are the ones that fight for the South. And reenact it. And they're like, you know what? The South had some good points. I'll hang out with them.

But, uh, yeah, you asked twice for a picture in Tombstone. I don't know if you know that. I think you wanted a picture. It was Hop Sing's bus bench, and I thought with the Asian thing, there would be a funny one. Yeah, but then it would have just been you taking a picture

of me. There was only two of us. I'm not just going to snap a picture of me. I wouldn't. In the whole town, there was no one on the street? That's coronavirus, bro. There wasn't when we went. I'm not going to let someone touch my phone. That's true.

Take my picture. It's in a bag. Bingo had her phone in a bag. Oh, shit. That's a good idea. Yeah. She's alone. She's alone over there.

I'm like, what do you need to... Well, because I heard that's safe, and then she's trying to talk to me, and I'm like, alright, this is... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're talking to me through a phone. Yeah, that's what kind of fucks me up about the gloves and stuff. If you're doing that, I guess what, then you just have to throw them out when you're done with them immediately

Yeah, you go to the store before you get back in the car. It's awesome I was just reusing this fucking glove And they get whatever that's in there is definitely dying in the car Mark, you use them twice. True, and whatever is in there is definitely dying in the car. But, yeah, I've gone to, like, Taco Bell, and the people are wearing gloves. But I'm like, are you fucking recycling these gloves after you take everybody's debit card? I went to fucking Schlotzky's, and I have to give them a card, and then they give me a fucking clipboard and a pen. I have to sign the fucking... Enough of the fucking

pens. Yes. Who signs their own pens? Stop with these fucking pens. I keep going to the gas station and I'll use a debit card and then you have to pick up the fucking gas station pad thing. Oh, the tablet thing. Yeah, that's why you wear gloves.

It's for you. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. But one thing that I have noticed, every gas station in the country put up cream pad thing. That's why you wear gloves. It's for you. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. But one thing that I have noticed, every gas station in the country put up those fucking glass shields in front of the cashier, like, essentially overnight. Like, I noticed those everywhere.

That's what happened to Superfantastic. I'm proud of our country for that. We mobilized that. Only because Trump owns, like, like a huge interest in a plexiglass company. I remember we were driving back from Boise recently,

and I was also amazed that they had put those things up. And I tried to do the thing where I was buying cigarettes. Oh, it was coming back from Sierra Vista when we got back. And we stopped at that one little place we never go into, and it's just a shell station or something. And I went to, to like they go i need to see your id because i'm buying the cigarettes and i go to like plaster it up against the plexi but it's all it's hanging like a like from two oh yeah it's swung out towards her

yeah you know what it's gonna be every single gas station and maybe it's going to be like every like fucking Asian owned bodega in a ghetto. You know what I mean? Like just the whole desk is glass and then you slide money underneath. It's going to be like that for all of us.

I don't like it. I'm white. I don't deserve that. The next season of Black Mirror will be non-fiction. You see, that's how I get in trouble. Something like that written down in press, they're not going to be like,

oh, he used kind of an Alex Jones voice for the, I don't like it, I'm white. Shangula said, I don't like it, I'm white. It's just going to be... Shane Gillis said, I don't like it, I'm white. I don't deserve this treatment. And the picture will have you with a top hat and monocle. Chaley, give us a recap of Shane Gillis watching Saturday Night Live last night.

No, no, no, no, no. I said Chaley, not you. I won't do that. No, it doesn't. Yeah, go ahead. That was fucking brutal. That was crazy. Yeah, you just did it. I came out for a fucking nightcap when Chaley was still awake, and he told me about it.

Because I forget, it is live, so it's on at 8.30 at night here. That's how quickly I went down last night. But I got back up, and Chaley says that he asked you if you were in the writer's room when they wrote that opening sketch. Not the opening. The opening was the first one. It was their lead-off sketch. And it was...

It's called What's Up With That? And it's actually one of the more successful sketches on SNL. Wait, that's been on before? What's Up With that actually can be funny when it's together. When it's over via Skype, that shit was...

And Charles Barkley sucked at acting. Well, I don't think Charles sucks at acting like himself. Here's a good Charles Barkley story. Corona. That's a new God bless you, by the way. Right before I Corona. That's a new God bless you, by the way. Yeah, you don't say God bless you anymore.

Corona. Right before I flew down to Florida, like right when this whole thing was happening, in the airport in New York, I ran into Charles Barkley. And I was like talking to him for a minute. And I was like, you know, I didn't want to touch because of the Corona thing. But we fucking, like we fucking, yeah, a little fist bump. And then when I was down in florida

they were like wait do you know him no you just started talking to charles barkley yeah he was just sitting there it was like hold stepped it was like 6 a.m there was no one in the fucking airport charles barkley was just sitting there and i walked past him and i was like hey i'm not gonna like ask for a picture be a fucking weird but big fan, and we talked for a second. And then two days later on the news, it was like, Charles Barkley's not feeling well. He's testing for coronavirus. And then they didn't release his fucking results for two to three weeks.

I was just sitting there like, oh, yeah, fucking. I got to find out if Barkley has it, dude, because I might have this fucking thing. What an honor to get it from the mailman. It would have been cool if I got it from the mailman. No, it's not the mailman. Is that Charles Barkley the mailman? No, it's Karl Malone. Post Malone?

No, that was Malone. I'm fucked up. Almost as good as getting AIDS from Magic Johnson, I guess. True. It literally would have been the same thing. You could have said, see, I'm not racist. Sucks Charles Barkley's dick. I was at the Tucson

airport. Tucson airport bar opens at 6 a.m. That kind of flight where I'm drinking at 6 a.m. and fuckface from To Catch a Predator was next to me. Chris Hansen? Yeah.

And we're the only two people in the bar and I'm like, I gotta figure out a way to fuck with him, but it's 6 a.m. and I'm trying to drink enough. You should have just said, what are you doing here? Why don't you take a seat? Yeah, it's easy to come up with shit at 6 at night.

6 a.m., I'm like, I'm missing an opportunity here, and I get nothing. And we're on the same flight. So if I say something that pisses him off, I don't want to get kicked off the flight. You should have picked up your phone and started pretending to dirty talk like a kid. You should be like, now don't tell

your parents about this. I got this. But he, I'm glad you called him a piece of shit dude from day one i've not like i've always this isn't a good it's weird to root for a pedophile i'm rooting for the pedophiles dude every time i watch that guy's such a bag of shit every time i watch it yeah because of the prison system is so fucking awful escaped murderers i'm fucking championing them yeah fucking escape from danimora go make it over the border oh dude those yeah every day well all right when it's a normal person i'm like all right yeah fuck them get them but nine times out of ten on to catch a predator it's either a fucking like an immigrant

like some dude from india that's just like the average age of marriage is 11 according to that trivia game what is wrong with what i'm doing and then or it's a or it's a mentally handicapped like 24 year old and they bait them and they bait them i know that way i did the fucking baiting yeah you fucking bait them in yeah i'm not wearing panties i know you have a fucking mental predilection an illness that drives you towards fucking young girls so what i'm gonna do is feed into it oh and then i'm gonna profit off it i'm gonna become a a-list celebrity from arresting weird pedophiles that probably would have just jerked off in their basement had i not kept continuing to fucking oh i wonder how many times like they texted the guy or like oh yeah i am him at the

time it was i amming i haven't said i am in a while like contacted the guy when he was like because they always read the reading of the transcripts fucking hilarious it's like oh yeah The transcript's fucking hilarious. It's like, oh, yeah. It's like, do you shave down there? Ha ha. LOL. Oh, man.

Some dude sitting there with like a pizza like, my whole fucking life's ruined. Why would you say that? It's like, why do you think he said it? He's trying to fuck one of these kids. You know the answer. Don't make him say it on NBC or whatever. Oh, what a douchebag. Anyway, yeah, I'm cheering for the pedophiles in that. It's just how it is, dude.

I was cheering for the guards in the longest yard. I was cheering for the jets in fucking Mighty Ducks. It's just what it is. I thought you were going to say a wet side story. Chad, even if there's no Skype, the fucking picture of you there is

almost like the Obey. You look so fucking perfect with your beard like that. It looks like a Nine Inch Nails video. You should just be in the background of every fucking videotaped podcast just like that. In the small corner like security, all quiet. Some fucking overlord oh man

speaking of security I just watched the fucking Austin with Alex Jones the Austin incident go watch it it's on YouTube right is that the link yeah I must have found it on that

holy fuck Alex Jones at the beginning of that is so fucking funny I know you hated him for it no I didn't hate him for it I hear you that sucks I can't even imagine I think he thought he had to do something

I told him listen do you want to introduce me he goes I don't do comedy and I said no you just introduce me and he's want to introduce me he goes i don't do comedy and i said no you just introduce me and he's all right and then he goes up and he wouldn't stop there was like five or six times where he was like all right all right all right and then he was about to bring you on he was like the iraq war he just uh but uh and he's not different in real life than he was on stage he just he doesn't have an attention span when he started calling that guy in the front row a pussy i was was just like, this is so funny.

He's like, you're a pussy. We're going to start the fucking show. How many shows have you had like that where you go, fuck, if I had tape of that show, I just happened to be taping. There was one I've talked about before, but it was this one.

I did a lot of black rooms in Philly when I started, and there was this guy named Buck Wild who would host, and he was like, so I'm the only white guy in the room, and this guy would go on, and he was like, he was legit a scary dude. And this is in

Philly, like North Philly and shit, and two of the intros he gave me, one of the first intros he gave me, he was like, how many of y'all motherfuckers been to jail before? And like three dudes rose their hand. He was like, y'all faggots have been raped. Your next comic.

Brought me on. I was just like, oh shit dude, that wasn't even close. And the one time he was literally fighting a lady in the front row like a lady it was a lot like alex jones punching no this woman this this lady was in like she she was on a date with like a very old white dude so buck wild was like talking shit and then she started taking offense to it and like stood up and like started walking towards stage and

buck wild wasn't like oh please sit down sit down. He was like, bitch! You don't think I'll fucking hit a bitch? It's like, I've been to jail, bitch! And I'm standing right next to the stage like, holy fuck, dude, how am I supposed to go on and be like, so? You never notice. She was like, I'm from fucking Jersey, motherfucker.

And he was like, I know you from Jersey with that dusty ass dress, bitch. I was just like, holy fuck, dude. Yeah, he got like a fist fight with her. No, they like broke it up and then I had to go on. And just be like, I'm sorry about your dusty ass dress. And I've bombed their heart a couple times. I've i've gone out like because they have a dj on stage classic always always dj on stage so you come out to music but then uh usually when you're the only white guy they hit you with some funny like country music or something jovi or something

anyway those are good intros. Alex Jones gave you the best intro I've seen in a while, though. Yeah, he just threw it right in my fucking lap. I forget how it... Just ten to... Probably like ten minutes at least of just... Ten. Talking about how the government propped up Saddam Hussein.

Mao Zedong! And Mao Zedong, yeah. Kim Jong-il, you're gonna be living in a fucking prison. Yeah,ong Kim Jong Il you're gonna be living in a fucking prison yeah he's like you're gonna be slaves

you're killing my buzz oh yeah he's like I bet I'm living here I'm killing your buzz

you're a slave this dude in the front was like my brother's in Iraq something like that he's like

you're a fucking pussy dude I don't want to suck your dick too hard here, Doug, but that was one of the more... You're not sucking nearly hard enough. You barely told me that you watched my special. I don't know how to respond to it.

Suck your dick? Come out and suck your dick? Yeah, suck my dick. I need it. I loved it. I'm excited for people to see it. I'm excited for people to have to deal with what you've said. You saw the new one? Yeah, I just saw the new one.

He said, yeah, I see why Netflix didn't pick this up. Oh my god. First bit, right away, I was just like, well, yeah, obviously. Obviously Netflix isn't touching this. I love that description. I'm excited to see how people are

going to deal with what you said. That's fucking perfect. Now, I didn't want to take away from the compliment of the special, but the Austin incident, the way you fucking handled that crowd was fucking from a comedic, no one could do that. No one could. I would have been up there totally folding on every personal belief i had a perfect and i would have just been like well ma'am your

your son give it up for the troops everybody i would have a hundred percent folded immediately but you actually were like no troops are most of them are pieces of shit this lady was just talking about our sons in iraq she was like he's 18 maybe he should have waited until he could fucking think before he did that it was like holy fuck man see how i'm beaming when you suck my dick no that's it no one could do that no one could do that no one could i would have again anybody would have folded right away or kicked them out or just kicked everyone out or just been like i'm not going on until everyone shuts the fuck up. You literally just walked out and were like,

oh yeah, you guys won a fucking fight. But you understand that a spectacle is just as good as... That's the most exciting. If you go out to a comedy show and there's people getting kicked out and there's shit that it's fucking nuts. That's incredible. You know who was on that bill? I know it sucks.

I know it sucks. But it's a fucking experience. Yes, it is. Absolutely. And it'll be talked about. And you'll go back and see that again. And that's why, like, oh, my God, I can't believe this got filmed. Yeah, that was awesome. But I have an iconic picture, just what I would call iconic from my past of the green room that week.

Brendan Walsh, and I think it's the first time I worked with Brendan Walsh, who's going to be on tomorrow on the podcast. And Jamie Kilstein wasn't even like he wasn't he was on the bill because he was in town, and I got him a guest set. I remember that week I kept asking people to put him up for the night. Hey, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did that. So, yeah, that was the first time I met Brendan Walsh,

and Kilstein was the second time I'd met him. Kilstein went woke for a little while. Do you know that? Oh, yeah. We've had him on the podcast. That was a bummer me too yeah he got me too after he was woke i mean that's like chris hansen getting accused of pedophilia that's everybody's like yeah that's funny even if yours isn't a serious accusation i'm gonna treat it yeah his was oh i can't believe it well that was like uh what's his name uh al franken oh my god when his happened it was zero it was nothing he did nothing wrong but everybody had to be like because the left is always the one pushing the

whole fucking me too shit so as soon as one of them if one of them even gets close to it everybody's like oh you did it i love that guy tried to set a precedence by just going all right then if it's gonna cause a controversy i'll step out and then nobody's done it since yeah i thought i think his whole intention might have been just so that people would be forced you know be shamed into having to do that too, but everybody's like, fuck that guy. He should have, I mean, can you even imagine if Trump got accused of that?

What he would have done? That would have literally been like, fuck you. She's a whore. That would have been the end of it. Yeah. You just gotta walk through it. But that's, I always go back to the Charlie Sheen versus Hugh Grant.

I don't know if you were alive back then, but they both got accused of getting fucking hookers. Hugh Grant was conciliatory and did the wrong thing. And Charlie Sheen, he had to testify at Heidi Fleiss' thing. Oh, that's right. And you made the hook he had to testify at Heidi Fleiss' thing. Oh, that's right. And you made the hookers dress up like fucking candy stripers. Yeah, so? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, if he's not going to be ashamed, we have nothing here. But then he got AIDS. Yeah. And he still didn't care. Yeah, true. He's a Trump template. He is. You're exactly right.

If you don't fucking act like you give a shit. Actually, you can't even act like. You have to really not give a shit. You can't act like you don't give a shit. It's see-through. Alright. I gotta piss.

One minute? We're at one hour. Can you see me from here? I just forgot that you're not wearing your glasses. I'm not wearing my glasses. I got headphones on. Clumsy. Alright.

We're at one hour. Chad, we'll see you Friday. Right on. Thanks for having me on. Appreciate it. Good to see you guys. Yeah, it was nice to talk to you. I wish we had, like, rails of Coke. Just every time you fucking hit the bong, I want to feel cooler

and just snort off a mirror. That would be nice. Shane's a fan of the coke No I'm not Joan I was gonna say But he hasn't tried Bisbee coke He would never want to do coke again Why is it bad here

It cures you It'll clean you out I thought it would be good It gave me the munch clean you out. I thought it would be good. Give me the munchies the first time I tried it. What's that, Todd? Give me the munchies the first time I tried it. You'd think it'd be great.

The Mexican border and then all these fucking artists. Yeah, I've done a bit about it on some special somewhere where you think it would just if it's coming over the border, you think it didn't stop like an ice cream truck. But now it just keeps going north.

It goes straight, yeah. I miss you, sir. Miss you guys. Look forward to hanging out. I'll see you guys. Look forward to hanging out. I'll see you Friday. That's a callback from Requiem for a Dream. I'm not a junkie. We have a party on Friday night.

I'm not a junkie. I'll see you Friday. All right. Take us out, bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. 🎵 សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you. There we go. Does my hair even show up as green? Yeah.

I wondered if it was just the camera or maybe the reflection from the green wall. But no, you look like something you win at a carnival for throwing darts.