The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#391: The End of the 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

The 30 Day News Blackout is over. Doug assembles his team to get back in the loop lickity split.Recorded May 1st, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Shane Gillis (@shanemgillis), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Tracey Wernet (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2020 tour dates are already up on the website. Don't find out too late about an upcoming performance in your area. Get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/LINKS -Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast - http://mattandshanessecret.libsyn.com/Join Chad on TWITCH. Go to TWITTER.com/hdfatty for link and instructions.Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit Brian Hennigan - @MrHenniganBingo Photo Credit Gretchen Baer - @GretchenBaerSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night, I'm Shane Gillis, and I'm Doug Stanhope. Hello. Hello. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. No. No. It's 28 days later, I've just awoken from a coma in a British hospital bed, if you've seen the movie. I got Chaley Chad Shank, Shane Gillis, and on the horn, Brian Hennigan,

to tell me what I've missed during this whole lovely era of the last month. We're going to start with Brian. You can fill me in on how my career has fallen apart. Well, I think your career has plateaued. well I think your career has plateaued along with everyone else's hang on Brian I forgot I was actually going to do this without addressing the fact

that I'm wearing this I had a contact go wonky on me and my eye I can't look at light at all it's fucking killing it's painful i was telling them when you walked in last night you go something wrong with your eye and i didn't even know it was a fucking cesspool yet yeah it was i could feel it but i didn't know it showed I could feel it, but I didn't know it showed. And this morning, I'm going to... I'll show you the eye, just so you don't think I'm fucking...

Who are you showing the eye to? The camera. That's close enough. Ew. That comes through. I'm like five feet away from you. These are like complete, almost complete blackout sunglasses that I just like to shape. And I go, I have those.

So this takes out the peripheral light. And now I'm good. I'm good. I didn't go to a fucking urgent care. I'm more likely to get the fucking disease at an urgent care and die with my lungs than from a bad eye. Correct. It's true, although conjunctivitis is sometimes a symptom before you get COVID, so you may have it.

All right, Brian, tell me what's up. Well, the touring situation has has changed not necessarily to our advantage i kind of figured that yeah so there's a lot of places you thought you were going where you're not going and there's some places uh you didn't think you'd be going but you are i've had a couple of news bleeds like Like, for some reason, I went to bed. I guess I had, like, not, it wasn't Netflix. It was, like, YouTube TV or something on. And it went to ESPN, and I had to fucking jump out of bed

and try to find the remote to kill it because they were saying they're going to start racing in May. And I'm like, fuck, does that mean I have gigs in May? No, probably not yeah no i mean the um the the major stuff is the that um uh i was communicated at do we have any gigs left oh yeah what yeah um but the um But the gigs that are left are the ones – the U.S. gigs that were on the calendar are still on the calendar. They're just in a different bit of the calendar. Should I be guessing?

I should be guessing death tolls and stuff. Right. Right there. I was going to guess. Yeah. Hold on a second second don't look at this can you i mean yeah i can't see shit yeah there you go i just worked out perfectly let me put this up there on the screen so everyone can see

there's what we've got going on right now that's world that's world okay i i was because uh from what i remember uh it was it had just gone over 10 000 worldwide when i started this uh uh deaths and yeah and then it was wait well no i whatever it was the U.S. had like – I'm going to go – we had like roughly 10%. So I'm going to keep – I'm going to go worldwide, 65,000, and U.S., 6,700. Wait. Yeah, it was over – fuck, I don't remember. All right, I'll just go with that. What are you guessing?

He's saying deaths in the u.s when i quit when you went in it was at a thousand a thousand okay so i'm going 6 700 u.s and uh let's say 70 000 worldwide all right we are at about worldwide guess in the United States for you. Does that make sense? Wait, we're at 70,000 in the U.S.? Yeah. Holy shit. 60 yet.

We're hovering around 65,000 right now. Wow. I'm a little off. right now wow i'm a little off but keep in mind the projections were 250 000 or all right and that was with social distancing the original like you know the original guesses were were pretty fucking they were off hopefully there's still time there's still time but i was gonna jump ahead of myself and say anyone you know but we're gonna try to build this slowly with the the minor news first i guess uh so so so we have uh so you're saying the uk is canceled i'm saying the uk is going to be uh next year all right well yeah i didn't think the world was cancelled or anything.

Yeah, the the, and we had talked about, we didn't have any booked dates, but we had talked about having Australia in this year. Well, that's obviously going to be next year. No, it's not obvious to me what's going on in Australia.

Oh, they're pretty safe. Matter of fact, the issue with australia is going to be getting in oh yeah because they're basically pulled up the drawbridge and said if you're from new zealand you can come and visit but that's it wow and so uh is new york still the hot spot or is that changed it is no all right was there anything why am i answering the what someone else should be answering these questions who's prepared well i don't have these things in front of me well i'm i'm looking at the people here at the bar they just can't he's looking the wrong way i have one eye he doesn't know what he's looking at i have one eye with a fucking blackout curtain on it. Australia is way down the list.

Total cases, 6,767. Total deaths, 93. They're not even in three digits. Oh, shit. Bingo. Yeah. Will you go on the coffee table? Well, today's Bisbee Observer came today, and it's underneath a sale paper, so I wouldn't look at it.

Thank you. Can we get it on Books on Tape for you? So, yeah, Australia has done something right. Joby's here, too. Joby's going to give me a celebrity death pool that I've missed. Oh, good. So, but you got... Chaley, I'm just going to let you fucking coordinate this,

because you know all the news, and I don't know how to direct. I don't know all the news. That's why we dissembled this team. Yeah. Of guys that don't know the news. More guys. Here's the real problem is the news. We haven't gotten.

There's no news. No one knows what the fuck they're talking about. They give us literally the wrong answers every single day. That's a major issue with what's going on. Well, yeah, one of the problems I've had with, like, I can read your faces, is, like, when we did Legion of Skanks the other night, there's still, like, fucking virus deniers, half the fucking crew of Legion of Skanks. And I'm like, all right, that means it's not that bad.

Like, you're not telling me anything, but you're telling me everything. Yeah, the virus denying thing is, like, I don't even know if it's not that bad. You're not telling me anything, but you're telling me everything. Yeah, the virus denying thing is like, I don't even know if it's denying it or just being like, this is a bad flu and shutting down the economy may have been a bit of an overreaction. Someone dropped that the other day. I was drinking, but like 40% of America is out of work. Was that a real debt?

35 million have applied for unemployment benefits. The highest ever. Yeah, I mean, there is an argument that the amount of deaths and the results of this from shutting down the economy is going to be worse than if we did what Sweden did. Sweden didn't fucking lock down. And they're doing okay. All right.

So I don't know. No one fucking knows anything. Taiwan're doing okay all right so i don't know it's it's no one fucking knows anything that's the problem is doing about the best and then china is just making things up china one day if you look at their fucking curve it's hilarious so new cases literally one day it was at like thousands and thousands and then the next day they're like three people got it so china's just making shit up yeah but they also had like mandatory testing they were throwing you into a fucking van yeah at a high temperature and it is a communist country i just watched a movie like that this morning and i don't remember what it was called but i

guess everyone's running a fucking i just like i was on cable today it It was like HBO shit. And I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm going to have to strip this shit off. I'll wait until Bingo gets back. I'm back. Okay, is that door shut? Yeah. All right, I'm going to fucking get rid of this.

The reveal. Oh, no. But I still won't look up. Oh, fuck. Are you going to leave the sunglasses on? I'll just keep one eye shut. That's probably not great. What's the thing on your cheek? Did someone cut you to relieve pressure? No.

Valentina put some fucking weird shit on my face so I wouldn't. I told you to take it off after 10 minutes. It was just so you wouldn't rub your face. Yeah I know. That's what I was about to say. I've been here an hour and I've been staring at it. We're getting a lot of fake news on the

eye. What the fuck? All right. I'll leave these on. All right. Keep going. Tell me more. Okay, here's a multiple choice. As we've been doing, well, the U.S. hasn't been doing very many tests,

but as tests have been going on, they found out that another animal has come up with it, the coronavirus. Another? Yeah, I'm going to give you a multiple choice. Was it an ostrich, a platypus, or a tiger? I will go with ostrich. It was a tiger, Doug. God damn it.

Don't they have enough problems? Second to King of the Jungle. Was it a domestic or was it a? It was at a zoo. A zoo. Yeah. No, it was a wild U.S. tiger.

He went in for testing. I'm sneezing in a field. But even that though, it's like is that true? Like what are we talking about? And who cares if a tiger has it? I know. Tiger's probably going to kill you quicker than the vid.

The flu. All right. I got... Fucking... That's why... God damn it. I just set the microphone on fire. All right.

Yeah, I do have notes. Sports. This is the one I fucking... That was the news bleed where fucking Gronk is coming back. Is there any other sports news? Wait, wait. Is he coming back to the Patriots? I don't know.

I assumed he'd be. You want to do sports? Fuck no. Fuck no. Fuck sports. She was saying, Valentina was with her friend from work yesterday here, and she was saying, yeah, all of this, it happens for a reason. And I go, you're just saying that because Gronk's coming back with Brady.

Are they both on the books? Yeah. All right. Won't help. Yeah, that was kind of the only big news. Yeah, really? I just wrote down shit. I told him that Tom Brady got kicked off of a public field where he was practicing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, and then he broke into somebody's house accidentally. I don't think that's true. No, it is. He thought it was his coach, and he just walked into some dude's house. And then I think the Huffington Post,

or somebody ran an article that was like, if Tom Brady was black, he would have been shot. This isn't a joke. It's like, God damn it, shut up. All right, local news. And I don't know if you guys had good poker faces or no one really knows. Those fucking yellow trucks at Safeway parking lot.

I googled Southwestern Valley Constructors and I googled, like, there's 25 yellow trucks in an almost empty strip mall where Safeway is. Everything else is out of business. So I started to Google that and it said border wall came up in the Google predictive. And then the next time I drove through, because I was driving through Safeway just out of, I missed them. And I just drive through the parking lot and hopefully I can wave at someone through the window. lot and hopefully i can wave at someone through the window and then we drove through and there's a fucking armed like militarized security guard in front of oh they have their office there so

and then there was two protesters saying you respect bisbee residents practice social distancing so i assume oh they're building the fucking border wall and those guys aren't protected and they're touching each other and then going a safe way i don't know what does anyone know what's going on with that i don't even know what yellow cars you're talking about trucks you're talking about well i go straight to the fucking cart the other side where alco used to be the fucking empty it's fucking a slew and they're all california and washington plates on those motherfuckers since there's nothing since like pizzarama is the only thing down the road give me the a slew and they're all California and Washington plates on those motherfuckers? Since there's nothing... Pizzarama is the only thing down the road.

Give me the Bisbee Observer. It's right here. Since the Pizzarama, the Gust of Greek, is the only thing open, that's a really good staging area for trucks to drop off for people. That's why I pick up... They're construction trucks. It's an area where they can park where no one's going to tell them to move.

There's no one over in that section. It's like a parking lot for a department store. But why would there be 25 trucks of any business in a town that doesn't have any business? There's still repaving going on. They just repaved the school road. All right. Mayor says this is the front page of the Bisbee Observer. Never reported on.

Just the back page. Police beat. A donkey. This is the main story with a giant picture. Donkey taken into custody along Highway 92. So I guess it's not that bad. Mayor, we're not ready to open. Council drafts a budget.

All right. Well, I guess I haven't missed shit in Bisbee. No, it's just schools aren't going to reopen. Bisbee Observer, I mean, what was the story on 9-12? Like, cattle blocks highway? I don't know if you can see. I'll just find one

police beat. A suspicious I'll just find one police beat a suspicious subject was reported the caller stated a woman was locking herself daily into the emergency room bathroom at the Copper Queen Hospital and bathing sorry that's Chad's job generally but I'm all kind of giddy to find out

probably fucking nothing I'm probably going to find out nothing, which is kind of what I predicted. Joby, you have some big ones to drop on you. He's got dads. Chaley did a daily thing. I know John Prine bled through. I had a multiple choice for that, but you found out that he died.

So what else you got? Well, let me see. I'm trying to find someone here. I need one more. Well, let's see. Which one has corona? Wow, it's fucked. I can't do that.

We're already talking about it. Oh, Doug. What did you just make up trump claims there was one trump thing that you came in ballistic that you couldn't talk to me about uh the white house as as represented by our president claimed that uh one way to maybe fight the virus was to put sunlight inside the body and disinfectants and the topper to that is the next day he said no no i was just being sarcastic to the reporters at a press conference at the thing he's been doing hour-long press briefings. One of the catalysts to

doing this was fucking bored with watching Donald fucking Trump every day. That's on my list. Now they don't recover him live. Okay, Biden Sanders were never mentioned for like a fucking month before I started this. Are they getting any

air time? What do you think happened? I have no idea. Something happened. Guess who won the last primaries? Just guess. They had primaries? Yeah. All right.

Fucking Sanders. No. No? All right. No, he kissed the ring again. He endorsed Biden. He has now. Wow.

Yeah. Twice. Just about everybody has now unfortunately the republican governor in wisconsin when they held a primary would not let people they would not postpone the primary he made people go out and fucking vote and they had these super long lines because everyone's six feet apart wow yeah and a. And a spike in COVID after. Yeah. And a spike. Oh, huge. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But now with Biden, in Biden news, there is a lady coming forward with sexual harassment

by allegations. There was one before I started this. It was very minor before, but now it's getting into she's saying, no, he finger fucked me. So it's gotten bigger. Oh, she said that. No, no, no, no. Anderson Cooper said's gotten bigger. Oh, she said that. No, no, no. Anderson Cooper said finger fuck. They had to bleep him.

They weren't ready for it. But as you would expect, it's not getting a lot of coverage. Yeah, he's in front of, the lady's testifying in front of the Supreme Court. By the way, it's not Tara Reid from American Pie.

That's who I thought it was. Did you really? She might have got a little sloppy drunk. If he fucked Prime Tara Reid, if he fingered Prime Tara Reid, he would get my vote. An old guy like that? Not Sharknado Tara Reid, but

Old Tara Reid. Big victory for the president. This goes back to you. Guy who's definitely going to lose. Almost got a news bleed through you because you were saying mom wants the car back. And then you said, well, you're in Harrisburg and my car is in Queens. And that means a 45-minute train. And then there was some gulps about are trains running?

What's travel? What's going on in travel? I'm just doing the USA Today section. Sports, travel. I'll get to money. I want to know how my stocks are doing, but you guys don't have that information. Let me start, and then Shane, you come in with something if you got it, but I just

read last night, if you could get a film crew together, you could do epic fucking movies at airports right now. There's nobody in them. Chicago O'Hare Airport, completely desolate. I was looking on flights right now. There's nobody in them. Chicago O'Hare Airport, completely desolate. And flights right now

to Iceland, $1,100 round trip from LAX. Wow. And they're still taking reservations. How's Iceland doing? Yeah, they're not bad. Everybody's fine. They're doing well. We're getting fucked up,

but everyone else is kind of apparent – I mean, China's lying. But other than that. Some of the original countries, Italy, Spain, are still – Italy and Spain got fucked up. You guys started to drop numbers a couple weeks ago about Cochise County, where we are. What's the total Cochise County? Oh, I don't know that yet. I'll look it up.

But I do have – I was told zero to four. Oh, I think Cochise County is Oh, I don't know that yet. I'll look it up, but I do have one. I was told zero to four. Oh, I think Cochise County is around 32. In Bisbee. Oh, in Bisbee. In Bisbee. Cochise County, there's...

Cochise is up there. It was 32 last time. That's a little while ago. It changes so fast. And we get the news so late. The donkey gets front page. Brian was trying to say something. What did you say, Brian? There's 39 coronavirus cases

in Courtney's County. See, Brian's on the ball. What did he say? 39. Oh, okay. I was close. Are we any of them? The Hedberg joke. Hey, do you know anyone who has AIDS? Well, you know me, so I must not have it. Hey, Doug, who has more corona deaths? Saudi Arabia, Switzerland, or Diamond Princess Cruises? All right. Well, you you looked down and so you

kind of told your hand Diamond Princess Cruises I didn't know you could see you told me you couldn't see it's what's dark in here now Saudi Arabia has 7 Switzerland has oh wait no Diamond Princess has 13

and Switzerland has 17. Oh. So, I tricked you and I forgot that I tricked you. I... Yeah, people are dying. You know how that happens with the flu all the time? Except for not quite as bad as the flu. It's actually worse.

Did anyone get checks yet? Yeah, people are getting checks. Well, here, we have 10 people, all six feet apart. One check. That's it? One check. Yeah, I didn't. Brett Erickson got one.

I've been healthy. Well, you're supposed to get a check if you make under $75,000 a year. $1,200. $1,200. Yeah. But I make nothing. I thought you meant get checked for fucking coronavirus. I didn't get either a check or checked. Uh,

so wait, you think, wait, you're a, you're a, like it's a bad flu guy. No, I just think that the whole thing was a little fucking over,

overdone. Yeah. I think. But I don't know. Once that will bring it out. That's a completely ignorant opinion based on a guy who doesn't know the news any more than Stanhope does. The average flu deaths are close to what the deaths have been so far

in about four or five months. That's for an entire year. So it is worse. Okay, so... The average flu usually lasts about how many months? It's not a year-round thing. It's not a year-round thing. So the average flu deaths are usually within flu season.

But if they're canceling me in the UK, we're not fucking hitting that peak of the wave of the shit that they kept showing on the... Flattening the curve. It looks like we have flattened the curve right now. The Lord definitely thinks they have. But that's because everybody's inside. And we're not testing.

Once we go back outside, it'll... We're a month later, and we are still not testing people in the u.s california governor has said everyone in the state can get tested if they want to the federal government has done nothing to to ramp up testing i get a message and i didn't listen to it on purpose from uh dr mark up in tucson and he he started talking about COVID because he's an ER guy at TMC. He's right fucking ground zero. We'll get him on the next podcast.

Populated areas have had, you know, that's been the big thing that they were worried about. But like in unpopulated places, they're laying people off because nobody's even going, they're not doing elective surgeries. The hospitals are just all empty because it's not the same kids.

So you're not getting the whole thing when they tell you. God damn it. Hey, write that down. We'll call Dr. Mark, and I want to call Ken Budge and find out what's going on with these fucking construction workers with 25 trucks from hot zones. Ken Budge isn't the mayor yet. I know.

He's a candidate we just brought up. I will say this, though, Chaley. I think we are testing. We are testing. But it should be on a scale. That's like us compared to everybody else. We're testing the fuck out of this thing. Now, granted, our population... How long has it been?

A month. Yeah. We need better news. This podcast is lame, man. Fucking Chaley just told me every day there's something. I'm writing shit down, but it's boring. We're waiting for Joby to have the fucking...

You want death? You want something sexy? Is it a death? Okay, Valentina's got one. Go ahead. At one time, Doug, people were floating around that the 5G network is what was causing the coronavirus and and this is what was distributed. Did you know about that one?

No, I didn't know about that one. Of course you didn't. I thought it was before. People have lit towers on fire. Oh, shit. 5G towers. I think that was in Brian's neck of the woods, right? LA?

No, I said that wrong. I thought he was in England. No, I said that wrong. I thought he was in England. No, he's just Scottish. Scottish, whatever. But he lives in LA. He might be gone. I think they burned a tower in Birmingham. In the UK.

That's where Jonathan's from, right? So it makes sense. He says they're all aft-babbards. Brian, did you have an answer for that? Did they bomb you? Are you underwater? He's eating a muffin. Brian, did you have an answer for that? Did they bomb you? Are you underwater? He's eating a muffin. No, but...

I'm calling from the bottom of the pool. What was the question? They're blowing up 5G towers in the UK? What? Oh, yes, they are. That's right, because the same geniuses that thought that pedophiles and pediatricians were the same thing are...

True story. Tell them that story, Brian. Yeah, there was a... In the height of the pedophile scare, there was a pediatrician's office that was attacked because people thought it was the same thing. And they was a pediatrician's office that was attacked because people thought it was the same thing. And they had a sign on the door.

It said pediatrician. That's the guy. So the funniest thing about that is the idea that pedophiles would put it on their door. There's that son of a bitch now. He's brazen. Yeah. He's so brazen about it

as well. they uh yeah so the the people like david ike who's lit who literally i think in the past 24 hours was thrown off facebook have been propagating this theory that 5g is somehow connected to uh the coronavirus and the people in the UK have been reacting Alex Jones is even going, what the fuck? No, Alex Jones and David Icke are boys. They've linked up. They're patriots, man. Come on.

Probably not on the 5G thing. I think Alex Jones is kind of in on the 5G thing. I can't wait to get back on fucking Twitter. I miss Safeway the most and Twitter next. This one might not... You might have to dig for this one, Doug, but back on

the 7th of April, it came up in the news that someone might face criminal charges for false statements. Can you guess that person? That's a little vague. False statements about coronavirus? No. Wait.

Not domestic violence. Oh, yeah. That's way... You're not even... I thought that broke on the 7th. Amber Heard might have to face criminal charges. Oh, shit! I didn't know that! Oh, that's a good one.

I did not know that one. And Bernie did suspend his campaign on the 8th. I mean, by now, it's like Shane said. I only went with Bernie because everything else is weird. Like, you saw that coming. Well, Biden also, like, is actually possibly totally senile at this point is he almost on the news though no he's he's been in hiding because he can't talk he's incapable of speaking that's better than him speaking you hear some of the no i know i know i

know he can't remember when we used to have a president that didn't talk all the fucking time that'd be all right yeah that'd be pretty good hey doug uh a friend of yours a comic friend of yours says that he well this is back early on said that he won't be backing biden and says he would vote for trump in 2020 this was a month ago who's that comic fuck made big news big big splash of news and he's a name that our listeners know or just us comics they're yelling at the radio right now i bet it's a black comic oh you're so close it's george lopez really? no alright who? Joe Rogan Rogan?

that's crazy right? fucking Rogan you had to click on that that was my first thought was Rogan and I go no it can't be I was

the only reason I said black comic is Kanye I thought someone's gonna go okay this is a publicity route for me no I saw that headline and then I clicked on it, and then all it was was an out-of-context snippet

where he was just talking on a podcast. Man, what's that like? I would vote for, yeah. I would vote for, you know, I'd rather vote for Trump than, you know, just say. And it wasn't like a declaration that he came out and made. That's how the news made it sound. At this time, yeah. Wasn't he, like, pointing out the fact that Biden is

possibly brain dead? We get your talking point, Shane. We got it. Alright, here's one more. This is a good one. Louis C.K. donated money to Biden's campaign

and then Biden's campaign publicly refunded it and said, we don't want your money. And now Biden's campaign, and then Biden's campaign publicly refunded it and said, we don't want your money. And now Biden's got to go on USA Today to defend himself against sexual assault allegations. Oh, that's fucking great. So that's fun. Yeah. He really gave his hands to himself.

Well, he always did. Right. Here's news from you, Doug. On the 12th, you overheard a neighbor say that they are thinking, they are thinking about suspending mail. Yeah. Has that happened? No, no. My mail shows up.

That's why I said this is really a news break because I would know that I'm not getting mail. But I do notice on Tuesdays I don't get that fucking circular from Safeway anymore. The three Sierra Vista supermarkets, Safeway would always have Tuesday. I'd look at what fucking berries are for sale to stock up for smoothies. It was a fucking, that's how I know a week went by. And they stopped doing that. Nothing's for sale at any grocery store anymore. Everything's overpriced now, I'm guessing.

Yeah, the days are gone when you picked your favorite toilet paper. Now you just pick whatever fucking toilet paper you can grab. I've only used this a couple times. I bought Navajo brand flour today. I saw that. I couldn't believe that. I just took it because it was there. I got home and I'm like, Navajo?

Where's gold metal? It's like bimbo candy. Yeah, bimbo. I thought it was brand. It's everything. Did you just take a shit, Brian? Is that your toilet flushing?

I heard that, too. I did have a bit of a shit. You're all, everyone in the room that can't hear on the headphones, Brian's going his usual. Why I said just, I pinched a loaf. What do you got? Hey, Brian, you can weigh in on this a little bit. The mayor of Las Vegas back on the 22nd wanted to open casinos immediately, get things going again in restaurants. and uh what she said and then when when uh uh uh the guy the reporter anderson cooper was like hold on a second how are you going to guarantee people's safety we can just use that's not my job

in the market a business that's smart enough to figure out how to keep people safe will do better than the businesses that are lazy and don't figure out how to keep people safe. That is the fucking libertarian argument that we were just talking about. All right, I'm watching some shit where I go, that would be a libertarian thing. We're talking about Shrikelli or whatever. Competitive market and supply and demand. And if you've got something

and you can deliver it to your customers. But Anderson Cooper just really took it a task. It was good. Brian? What? Oh, Jesus. Hello? but anderson cooper just really took it a task it was good brian what oh jesus hello yeah we're just trying to check in with you you live in vegas the thing is you have to appreciate that i can the audio on my end is terrible i can only hear when doug talks into the phone otherwise Otherwise, it's just like a... Oh, yeah. He did that thing with the phone.

A new thing. I'm being James Inman. Oh, shit. I had the Bisbee Observer over the phone. Maybe that's the problem. Just laid it over your face, basically. Henning just said he's being James Inman. So, I want to go back to flights

for a second, because you say airports are empty, but there's still flights. Someone texted me and said, I just went home for a fucking wedding or something. Again, it's kind of a... Well, that means

there's flights. Oh oh and you never answered me are there trains from mechanicsburg to fucking queens um yeah definitely and that's actually it was funny i was while i was driving out someone was like you should uh you should you should have flown and i was like i'm not gonna fucking get on a plane and they were like they're empty and they're like i don't know i'm not i'm not telling people to fly but uh it may yeah there's still flights and oh we were just talking it might be safer than stopping at a gas station that was a fantasy talk about like people who get the last cruise ship because you always see the guy that got the flight where

he was the only guy on the flight what if you get the only guy on an entire cruise ship? That was a fun fantasy when I wasn't watching the news. It's a fun rom-com. Maybe Tom Hanks. But I don't know. Hopefully cruises are done. They were already... Now they're diseased. Oh, sorry, man.

Go ahead, Brian. I was going to say that would be the Todd Barry comedy cruise. Okay, Doug, I got a multiple choice for you. As reported in the news, who has the corona? Britney Spears, Fred Armisen, or Joe Exotic, Tiger King? Oh, Joe Exotic. I was around for that.

Sorry. See, I thought so. I told you. Yeah, I was around for that. Well, I just heard that. Well, it wasn't confirmed, but he had been moved to a different part of the prison and that was suspected. All right.

I feel like I'm getting more things revealed to me than Doug is today. Again, that's the thing. This is what sucks kind of about there's no big reveal like Tom Hanks did die. That was the big one. Doug did that. I think he knew that. You knew Tom Hanks died?

No, I'm not buying this at all. When he got it. You remember when he got it? The wife survived. The wife's still going. That's not true. You're lying about Tom Hanks. Okay. Well, then. Because you would save that for Joby.

Well, he didn't know. But yeah, the thing that sucks about this is all of us, even if we were paying attention to the news, wouldn't know what the fuck was going on. We would because we would have drunk dialed Tom Hanks. Someone would have had his number he didn't answer his phone he must be dead of the virus if we would if we were smart we would have had one of us watch cnn and one of us watch fox and come in and compare how different all of

our news yeah we kind of did yeah the two have gotten a little bit closer. Is Cuomo still doing his fucking daily thing? Like New York's the only place that matters? Oh, dude, how about that? Cuomo. Oh, yeah. The governor. His brother from CNN. Fuck it.

Tim, this is great. He fucked my girlfriend. No, I think she just blew him. What? Not bingo or anything. No, the old girlfriend. Yeah, Chris Cuomo. Really?

Clit knows fucking zero. Yeah, she cheated on me with him well you'll like this then he uh he he got coveted oh yeah no i think i was around for that he was doing like a cnn like diary like every day you talk about it and then uh it's been reported that he was seen like around town like with his family and then cnn had him come out of his basement on camera and be like, oh, I've been waiting for this. And it's like, no, people have seen you outside. You took selfies with fans.

Yeah, CNN is literally staging this moment. I didn't see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Pool reported it on Joe Rogan, so I believe it. Oh, that's good. How far into the month are we? I don't know.

I'm up to 23. Idaho farmers are throwing away tons and mountains of potatoes. I heard today. We've been eating a lot of potatoes. Yeah, we've been doing our part. Well, that's the thing is that the problem is that all the restaurants and stuff that use these products that are closed, that market shuts down immediately. So they have to figure out where the rest of the potatoes are going to go. Then they're churning them into the cabbage and shit like that.

I found out today cabbage is used in coleslaw at institutions as well as KFC and stuff like that. Well, everything is dropped off dramatically. Now these guys are ready to go with, come pick up your cabbage. No, we don't want cabbage. No, I would, I, we don't want it. We're not buying it.

And so they have to just turn that into the soil. Like 70% of the milk goes to like school lunches or something. There's no schools, all the school lunches. We've been doing our part on milk as well. Glad to know that I was part of the solution. Yeah. The,

the, the, the supply chain for the, yeah, it's been fucked. So that could be a real problem. You have to think of it in terms of like it's not that people aren't eating. It's those outlets that used to buy. I remember when the McDLT came out. They had the hot side and the cold side.

When that deal was broken – Hang on. There's kids looking at us quizzically. when that deal was broken hang on, this kid's looking at us quizzically there was a they gave you in the styrofoam package the hamburger on the bottom bun and cheese, hot

but then the lettuce, tomato and other top bun because you don't want hot side hot, cold side cold until you're ready to go, that makes sense and it was a huge thing but what happened was they had to broker that deal because the day that they rolled that out to all the McDonald's, lettuce and tomato disappeared. Because McDonald's needed all that supply that they weren't going to have before that.

That's what happens. And the opposite has happened. Now all of a sudden all those automatic buys that were going on throughout the years, done. We don't want it. We can't do it. And that's why restaurants are a good place to go and get supplies because some of those, like the table in town, they still have – they are still getting their supply of flour and eggs. Eggs. Stuff like that, yeah.

Yeah, but I think we bought Bingo in the last two weeks. We've bought, because she just got 12 more dozen. You got her five. She's got like 18 dozen eggs in the last two weeks, and she's probably almost out again. Her colon's going to fall out. Think of this for eggs. This is the last one. I've made the point. But think of all of the hotels throughout the country that have a continental breakfast in the morning with that pan of eggs, right?

Those are liquid eggs called breakers. That market is gone. All of the hotels that buy those eggs daily that a shipment comes in every week or two times a week. That market's gone. So no one is buying those eggs. Where do those eggs go? They have those eggs. They're sitting somewhere.

So that's the problem is that people need food. We have food. It's that thing that it's just not meshing. There's not a way to get it to people. That's why we need to reopen the economy. How many people are going to starve versus how many people are going to die from this? That's a real question. Food banks is a big problem.

Not here. Not that many people are going to starve in the United States. But globally, this is a catastrophe. Yeah, but we're Americans. We don't care about the globe. Trust me, I'm not starving. Unless we need to spread democracy. Meat plants have been starting to close down.

The biggest meat plant in the country was ordered to close down, but now the president is ordering them to reopen. Hell yeah. Despite the fact that they're among the highest. And giving guidelines. Is the Trump thing that you were so irate about, he goes, is that the one you already said?

Disinfectant. The bleach. Yeah, alright, that's the one. You'll have to watch it to get the whole gist of it. A couple people have drunk bleach. They're like, oh, I'll put a quarter bleach to three quarters water. And there were a couple guys who did it. That's one way to bleach your asshole. The long way.

All the way home. There was also a defense of that. All right. So also, yeah, bleach poisonings have gone up because also the entire country just bought bleach. The whole country has bleach. So the poisonings are going to go up just statistically. And then I don't want to be too defensive of our guy. But you got, you know.

Your buddy Trump. My buddy Jeffrey Epstein and Trump. But look, you guys are, you guys are reciting some CNN points. No, no, I did say, I said it was just a couple of guys that actually read it. Mine was New York Times, but go ahead. New York Times, same thing. I mean, look, they've misquoted me, so I know they're capable of lying. The other one was the, remember when he was talking about the, whatever the medicine,

The other one was the... Remember when he was talking about the... Whatever the medicine. The hydroxychloride or chloroquine. Which actually I think is turning out to possibly work. I don't know. Who cares? But then there was a story of this guy who took that out of a fish tank. It was a fish...

It was a tablet. A fish cleaner. It was in Arizona too. And then he drank it or took it and died. It was. It was Arizona. Wait. How do you know it's in Arizona?

I told you. I was around for that. The chloroquine. How did chloroquine was out? Yeah. It was already It's Arizona. Wait, how do you know it's in Arizona? I told you, I was around for that. The chloroquine was out. Yeah, it was already being talked about as a possible. The ridiculous things happen too fucking fast now. You can't keep up. I think it turned out that that had nothing to do with Trump.

I forget what the story was. It was just like an engineer and his wife who maybe murdered him. Some maestric addiction type situation. Maybe murdered him with it. But it did cause such a run on the drug that people who have lupus and rheumatoid arthritis are being denied their medicine now because there's a shortage of it.

Not fish tank cleaner. They're trying to get it to those people, but people with lupus. That medicine is... Go back into your cave. It's still stupid out here. Yeah, there's nothing. There's nothing.

We've been watching the news and none of us know any of it. Doug, there's one more thing here. According to news reports have said that former DOD officials have

substantiated the claims that Tom DeLonge from Blink-182 has discovered that UFOs are real. And they... There's a one-up to that. Say that again. I was waiting for the vid angle on this.

It's news. I like that Shelly reads it like he's auditioning for a news anchor position. I'm trying to point out the right way. I think Tom DeLonge may be correct about his assertions that unidentified flying objects are, in fact, among us. True or false? Oh, I wish I would have done the true or false. Let's go to our field reporter.

Chad, Chad. Dangerous streets of Disney. Oh, I wish I would have done the tour first. Let's go to our field reporter, Chad Chen. Dangerous streets of Disney. But the one thing that has happened since then is the government literally released video of what can only be described as UFOs. Yeah, during this thing, the government has admitted that UFOs are real. No one cares. That's not a bullshit. Now is the time. That's not a bullshit. Now is the time. That's not a bullshit story.

They really did release videos. They're like, no, these are what you would call, what you common people would call UFOs. We don't know what they are. It didn't make above the fold in newspaper jargon. How did we all, as far as news for this, that should have been part one. We should have been like, well, welcome out of the news blackout. Aliens are fucking real. We've got to build up to it.

We've got to start small. None of us cared. I don't know. Wally started it. I wrote it down. No, of course, but it's still not like. It is something that pales in comparison to what is like the new normal. It's weird.

It is very weird. And Tom DeLonge is batshit crazy. Is he? Well, I would have said that. Because I've seen him. I just saw a documentary on him where he was talking about his... I swear that was a politician, Tom DeLonge. No, there is one

someone that has a name similar. He's a guitarist. He's a rock musician. So this is credible. But he's taking his Blink-182 money to fund this agency of his. He's got some kind of think tank, you can imagine. Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit. Let's call Nickelback. Get to the bottom of this.

I bet Nickelback's been watching the news. You know who else is watching the fuck out of the news is Tom Green. Tom Green, he's in on it he's obsessed we gotta call those guys no i don't fucking yeah we we have that's not out yet that'll be the patreon this month is uh all right spoiler alert tom green did answer his phone oh shit we were doing our drunk towels. That's not out yet. I don't remember a lot of that night. Yeah, I'm trying to think. How many times... Is it every time...

Because I've been drunk every night that you've been here for a couple weeks now. And before you got here. No, we had at least one or two nights that was... That one night we watched a movie. But has it been every night... We had dinner least one or two nights that was... That one night we watched a movie. But has it been every night... We had dinner and a movie. ...that you drank that you hated yourself? Yeah.

Because yesterday seemed extreme at the beginning. Yesterday I was fine, comparatively. But at first, you just walked out and went, I'm going to go suicide. I'm going to drive into the fucking lavender pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was mean to some lady on the Legion of Skanks thing. By the way, all that audio is gone.

You know this, right? Good, please. We did Legion of Skanks. Maybe it's not gone, Doug. Via Zoom. And then as those guys dropped out, they kept the zoom stream up with their fans. So I, for a minute from what I remember you for quite a bit longer,

Shane kept talking to someone and you get into a fucking rift with a lady. Yeah. She was given as good as she got. I don't know. She was talking about, no, I, I just,

I, first off, I feel horrible. Anytime I'm hung over. It's never like that physical other than the time I just threw up this week. You threw up half a pot roast? Yeah, that was a very physical hangover. But normally it's just anxiety and guilt.

We all know what you're talking about. Yeah, of course, of course. We do, but that's because I wanted to, I couldn't remember going to bed that night. And I know I went to bed early. I couldn't remember going to bed that night. And I know I went to bed early. And when you came out, I'm like, oh, thank God. Shane can help me piece together my night. How long was I there?

He's like, no, I was really mean to someone on that fucking Zoom. And I got to go. I'm just going to drive. And I think I'm going to kill myself. I think this is definitely suicide. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But yeah, I did feel bad. I made a lady cry. I said she is definitely suicide. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But yeah, I did feel bad. I made a lady cry.

I said she had dolphin teeth. She had little tiny teeth. That's a compliment. She had little tiny teeth, and she was talking a lot of shit about me being ugly. And then I made fun of her. And then she started holding her mouth. Yeah, and then she was covering her mouth on the Zoom. Hold on a second.

I was like, ooh, I got her. I recall you saying, are we going to do this? And you were like, I know. I literally gave her several warnings. I was like, yo, don't fucking do this. It's going to be bad for you. And then, yeah. I'm better at this than you are.

Yeah, and then she kept going. I was like, alright. That's fair then. Here it goes. But my fear was that it was recorded, and then, you know what? If somebody recorded that, you can take out the part where I'm like, are you sure you want to do this? It just goes straight to be like, look at this ugly bitch. And everyone's like, just like the New York Times. Just like the failing New York Times.

Dude, Trump 2020, fired up. That's the problem is when he just misassociates fake news to where it's real well you're missing all the fucking like every i never read interviews i did because i know they fucking they're gonna make you sound like an idiot because yeah he was the winner of the montreal comedy festival in 1997, there was no winner. What the fuck? And now I think comics are going to say, wow, Stanhope said that? No. Brian just bailed

out. We didn't talk to Brian. I'm not sure why he can't hear because this is set up just like the Bluetooth. That's alright. I want to call Mark Bazella anyway. Do you want to go ahead and put that on Bluetooth? Oh, fuck. Brian's calling back already.

Goddamn. Hey, sorry. We lost you and we forgot you were there. I thought you just... Hey, check my stocks. Check CoreCivic and... What's the prison one? That's CoreCivic. What's the prison one? That's CoreCivic.

Wait, you have stocks in prisons? Private prisons. Hell yeah. It's America. Well, CoreCivic hasn't had a great month. Because I bought it

19. Oh, it's only 12 now. Oh, let's back up. And then I can't remember the other one. The other one is like some weapons maker. They have some kind of... That's a good investment. Private prisons and weapons right now.

Yeah. When I first... Like, I just got into stocks as a goof because my buddy introduced me to a stockbroker in New York. And it's hilarious yeah steve via for it's steve via for for morgan stanley i want to make some moves i go are you pumping your fist like wolf of wall street right now while you do this and he just over explains like yeah do but our first stocks were uh craft macaroni and cheese pfizer boner pills and philip morris i don't know if we still have those they're not

uh but the other one was some fucking is it lhi check that some weapons maker where they have some gun that can shoot around corners so the troop doesn't have to stick his head around. He can look without putting his head out or something. I don't know. You have to hear Steve. We should have Steve via four, like Mad Money, do a segment on our podcast. Because I put him on the speakerphone every time we're on tour in the van

just to let people listen. I've tried to take notes. Go ahead. I was just going to say, I remember the first time when your phone was ringing and you did the whole, oh, it's Stevie, and you did the whole impression. And then he goes, watch, and he hit speakerphone, and it was spot on. Yeah, it'd be funny to have mad money except the guy's a bit of a conspiracy theorist where he's like, invest in weapons manufacturing.

We're going to war with China. He's on the tape, too. Yeah, he's insider trading. Come on. That guy? Oh, yeah. He's total bullshit. Were you gone for that? There was some insider trading. I think this lady from Georgia who's a

representative. Oh, yeah. I think that was before. Yeah. And I support her. Insider trading? I do do brian go ahead if i had a well look at a personal something you might have missed is that the breakout uh social media thing of the month been TikTok and in particular the lip syncing to Trump speeches and the uncontested winner of this is a comedian from New York called Sarah Cooper and she does this thing where she lip syncs to Trump talking about his medical stuff and it's drop dead hilarious

and she also did the carol goodman mayor of las vegas speech or interview with um uh anderson cooper which you probably missed thanks thanks for that brian we already got this update from my 22 year old maid about what's popular on tiktok, well, that is, I still think that's interesting. I know what Brian's talking about, and it was very hilarious. Yeah, who's that guy

that did the Trump? You know him, Shane. J.L. Colvin. J.L. Colvin's beast. Yeah, his Trump is fucking incredible. It's incredible. Yeah, he opened last time I did i did governors he featured for me and he would close with the trend like the whole the whole set i'd be like all right i can follow this i can follow this he closes with a fucking trump

impression i'm like there's nothing i can do that's close to as talented as what he just did i'm fucked yeah it's so good. It's crazy. Chaley, how close? I'm waiting for fucking Celebrity Death Pool here. Yeah, I was going to say, this has been the most boring news segment ever. Let's get to some dead people. That's just because you want death.

Yeah, other than those 65,000 in the United States. That's not enough. All right, does anyone have a non-celebrity? Does anyone know someone that died that's not a celebrity? Here in the room. Anyone? Nope. Do you know Jeffrey Garian?

Mm-mm. He's this old guy from New York that writes for the Interrobang, and he does stuff like that. He got it. He got COVID, and when he got it i was like fucking dead a hundred percent because he's he's like an old he's like a frail older guy he's he's all right do you i mean you're 32 do you look at me that way would i consider you a frail older guy yeah uh i mean if you put it that way can you put your no i don't put your

eyepiece back on and ask that question, please? No, I don't think you're a frill. Where's your cane? I guess you're a frill. I don't know. What do you want me to say? But I'm saying, is he my age? No, no, no, no, no.

No, he's old. He's probably like 20 years old. I know my lungs are frail. I'm definitely frail for this fucking virus. You're significantly more active than me. So I'm not going to. But. You just wake up later.

True. What do you got, Chaley? Are we going to Joe? That's it. My last one was the DOD and Tiger King and stuff like that. What about. Last three or four days. I think I'm going to have the fucking breaking news on the Bisbee border wall here that everyone keeps glossing over.

You think there's something. There's nothing. There's more fucking construction trucks in that parking lot than all of the government fucking. Truthfully, this would be the time for him to build the wall. They're out there protesting them. You said two people. Two people, but yeah. With an armed fucking security guard.

Where have you ever seen... Like a publicist for a Republican. When Officer Bob Friendly used to come over in his vest with his thumbs in the fucking tits and hang out and drink coffee, far less intimidating than the one fucking Blackwater guy that's sitting two storefronts down from fucking Safeway, guarding this fucking construction company that comes out of nowhere in a town of 4,500 fucking people? Oh, yeah. You know what it could be? That could be

not Blackwater. That could just be a patriot. There's a lot of those. There's a ton of that going on. My hometown, Harrisburg, had a nice one that going on my hometown Harrisburg had a nice one go ahead Brian so have you seen the article

in the Herald Review about this no I'm on a fucking news blackout you fucking idiot was there an article this is where I get me no but I thought there's nowhere in that fucking room seen it? No.

I couldn't hear you. What was it? It's the Sierra Vista. What was the article? Sierra Vista paper. Order while construction protesters claim workers not following coronavirus safety guidelines from April the 29th. That's just fucking me doing my own due diligence through just sheer...

I just spelled that out exactly what I came up with just driving through Safeway parking lot. You guessed. Yeah, I guessed right just from watching No News. I'm the best journalist in this fucking room. In a town with no construction and all of a sudden

these guys show up. It is a better story than the dongle. This company called SWVC. Southwestern Valley Constructors. Apparently they're looking to rent like

25 properties in Bisbee. And they're hiring 200 workers. I'm going to kick Jen out there. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. I gave her a Corona rent break.

So what's... Can I ask you guys this? Because I drove down by the Mexican border yesterday. What's the wall that's there now? That's the one that they had to take down to put up the new one. Yeah. What's the wall that's there now? That's the one that they had to take down to put up the new one. Yeah, what's the wall that's already there? It's been there for a long time.

So what are we complaining about? We don't want a better wall? We want no wall? There's already a wall. There's two, actually. Yeah, the walls are there. It's a little tiny section. It depends. If you go a couple miles down, then there's just nothing.

I once accidentally drove into Mexico because I was just down exploring dirt roads, and then I was like, fuck, I'm in Mexico. Yesterday, I was hungover, parked, making apology phone calls near the border. I was just parked, watching the sunset, calling my friends, being like, you know I love you,

dude. I'm not mean right and then border patrol passed me like eight times like what's this guy just sitting by the border on his phone doing person of interest yeah it actually like star I was like or a person hey it's a person yeah here's a guy say hi

Pennsylvania plate all right should we bring in Joby? Ready? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Joby! Joby doesn't want to be here or out.

He's going to make a drink. He's going to get a drink from Tracy. He'll make it over here. Nobody knows anyone that died known as a cousin or a thing. No, it's contributing a lot to my conspiracy theory of belief. What's that? I'm just kidding. No, I think you and me are on the same page.

I think we're afraid to admit it. I'm more middle than probably most people, but I don't know that I would be on the same page. Sorry, that sun's starting to come in. You guys are on the same page, aren't you? No, I don't think that I would be on the same page. Sorry, that sun's starting to come in. Yeah, you guys are on the same page. No, I don't think that this is a conspiracy. I just think they overestimated, and now they're kind of afraid to admit they overestimated. And it's probably good that they overestimated rather than the other direction.

Sure, sure. Brian, hang on. You know what? The numbers are still going up. I mean, they're starting to get waves in the Midwest. Yeah, the testing is. Hey, you know what? You find out more people have coronavirus when you test more people.

Yeah, and then you find out the mortality rate is significantly lower when you test more people. Well, I mean, than what they projected going into a pandemic that hasn't happened for 100 years. But most people are. This is a worldwide event like the one in 1918 except that killed arguably like a hundred million people this has killed they didn't have ventilators back then

they had a bag the amount of people that have the amount of people that have been confirmed with it isn't that many deaths Brian I'm going to ditch you I'm gonna call mark uh dr mark okay i love you thanks brian i wait where brian you didn't give me any fucking information about my book or my uh special so i'm assuming you're keeping mom i can go things i can tell you but um i have to tell you all fair yeah okay, okay. I'll definitely tell you.

I'm going to tell you everything. I'm going to tell you the most awesome news about that special. It was supposed to be out by the end of this news break. Okay, bye-bye. All right, let's call Dr. Mark. I don't know why that phone sounded so bad. He has a weird, it won't say his number. Don't worry, this Verizon ringback tone while your party is reached.

Hold on. You've got to tell him you recorded it. He changed his... He used to have a cool song on that. This is a doctor? Yeah, he used to have Pink Floyd. Something really dark on his... Imagine calling this guy and being like,

Hey, the cancer's getting worse. You've got gotta sit through this fucking techno he's a bit of a raver that's why I didn't drop his last name 5, 2, 1 there it is

it's over alright wait so you said you did get a message from him but you haven't listened to it yet? Yeah, because he started talking about, well, when this coronavirus, and I just skip. I'll listen to it after this podcast. Joby, you want to tell us who's dead? Oh, you're not?

You have a list? I have a list, and Chad's going to read it. All right. I'm going to leave. Oh, Bill. What's wrong? We're waiting for you. Oh, wait a minute.

Hey, Joby, why don't you plug your Joby, really quick Plug your website He can plug it, he knows the name of it I just want to get out of here, sorry guys I need to leave Bye Hey, do you have a Togoco?

Yeah, it's right here He wrote his unicycle So so he needs it to go. You were going to do the pinnacle. Nope. I doubt that. All right, guys. Headliner canceled. Talk to you later, bud.

All right. Who is dead? Was Joby just mad at me? No, he's mad at the world. There's nothing. Don't take it personally at all. I wasn't sure if he was mad that I was like. He was on the Zoom chat.

He was on the Zoom chat. He said he had dolphin teeth. All right. This is what we were talking about yesterday. Oh, I thought it was with someone else. This is a humongous list. Most of whom I don't even know. You've got to help me, Shaley, to

know who Stanhope would know. You're an old guy. You need some light. It's so dark in here. Yeah, throw it on. I'm fine. You sure? So yeah, you talked about John Prine. He's got some in bold with little things. Mort Drucker?

I don't know who that is. Yeah, I don't... All right. Linda Tripp. Oh, yeah, we knew Linda Tripp. I didn't. That's funny. See, the lighthearted part

where we talk about people who are dead. That's funny. Sterling Moss. That's a sports player, I think. No idea. Brian Dennehy. Oh yeah, we knew that one. You knew that one? Why did you know that one?

If it's a big list, just power through. It's a huge list, but I'm just doing the highlighted one. He has some bold with the little checkmark by him, so I assume there are people people know that are not me. Norman Hunter. That's little checkmark by him, so I assume there are people people know that are not me. Norman Hunter. That's a checkmark by that one? Yes. Shirley Knight. No, keep

going. Just rattle them off. Bobby Lewis. Nope. I don't even know how to say that woman's name. She died of Alzheimer's, so probably nobody cares. No, people care. They're happy. It's a different kind of caring she's in a better place now not my fucking living room going who are you

i feel i feel like there's there's better there should be more people on the list let me scroll back through because we're already at the end with Kim Jong-un is the big one. That's the fucking one that was a news bleed that I go, I knew it. That was the big one. That's what I said. I think you're getting news. Corona monologues, when we got

that Twitter account, Corona monologues, and it just says who will be North Korea's new leader? And I'm like, he can't be dead. He's dead? There's nothing that's confirmed. Well, of course, because look where he is. He's 37 or something like that.

Yeah, that's all he is. Yeah, he's over 300 pounds. He's my height. 300 pounds, my height. Yeah, but he also shot a 36 on a PGA course. Oh, yeah? So, I mean, even though he's that small, he's incredibly athletic. They call that svelte.

He's the fastest man alive. But he had heart surgery. He never shit. He didn't put in because he's so healthy. So, his sister? Yeah, his sister is next in line. Yeah, she's actually kind of hot. Oh, no, she's very hot.

She was the one at the Olympics. Oh, I didn't know. I thought he was. She's not dead. That's what I was confused. She killed him. That's a murder suicide if they're both dead. Having a hot leader kind of makes the atrocities a little better. Yeah. Easy to swallow. Kind of support

them now, yeah. We would never know. Spoonful of sugar with the medicine, you know? Name a solid cult that didn't have a hot leader. Alright. North Korea. Until now. Yeah, Joby left before I could find out if there is a coronavirus bonus. But if you go to dscdp.com, Doug Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool acronym,

or you spell the whole thing out if you're fucking bored, if you've got time to kill I guess you do there's another call to action on there he wanted to make sure that I plugged, Hack Oddity has a YouTube channel, another Fat Guy Cooks yeah, I heard that

go to that now I'm back on the fucking internet, I'm gonna go to that and Twitter and everything else Doug can you guess the top four countries

in the number of deaths top four US, China, Iran and no no Italy was one and Spain. You got three of the four. Coming in at number four, Spain at 24,824.

Coming in at number three, the UK, 27,510. Italy, 28,236. And the US has been made great again. We're number one. Yes. We don't need no Olympics Japan. Fuck the great again. We're number one. Yes. We don't need no Olympics, Japan. Fuck the Japanese Olympics. We're number one.

We're winning this. Have we even hit one tsunami yet? One tsunami's worth of people yet? Is it still almost nothing? Yeah, it's nothing. For U.S., yes? For all of it. I remember whenever we watched this big, gigantic tsunami,

and I was just fascinated. I was like, that killed a bunch of motherfuckers. That's gonna take a dent out. And then I was like, nothing. We've surpassed the deaths of the Vietnam War. So, that's a lot. In the U.S. Are we counting Vietnamese? No.

On Issues with Andy, we refer to numbers in Jonestowns. If there's 60,000 deaths, then that's roughly 60 Jonestowns. Well, I guess I'm all caught up. Now I'm going to maybe quit

smoking for a month. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Do you know what you're doing, Shane? I just found out I'm unemployed. We're all unemployed. Bingo's the breadwinner on disability. She gets $1,100 a month, and she's going to take care of all of us. Smaller portions, people.

Smaller portions. What about... He was talking about the UK, your manager. Yeah, that's dead, but he's saying... That was in the US, right? Yeah, I let him, but he's saying... That wasn't U.S., right? Yeah, I let him be vague. Alright. I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, I don't think Denver's happening in May. Yeah, I think we're gonna start silk screening in the shop. Did we tell you Bill Weathers? Did we tell you that one? Oh, that's right. He died. I think you died, didn't you? Because we were playing Bill Weathers one night. Oh, that's right, yeah.. I think you died, didn't you? Because we were playing Bill Withers one night.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, we were playing it out of the blue. Yeah, that's kind of a clue. Doug's pretty sharp when it starts happening. Why are you all of a sudden replaying that song? Hey, Tracy, how do you spell Linda Tripp? Toopies. Toopies.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. The news is I don't think anyone knows anything, and if they tell you they do, they're lying. Chad said that when we were on the Twitch or on the Skype. Don't go down that rabbit hole. How long can it live on this? Don't even start. You're going to get it from something according to someone all the time.

If you listen to that, you become Olivia Grace. No, if you look at how long does it live on this, how long, according to whom, then you start going, it lives on cardboard, it lives on plastic, it lives on this. Well, my biggest thing too is the news being reported is the worst case scenario out of the most populated areas. We live in a very sparsely populated area. So what they're telling us doesn't necessarily apply. But that was kind of what the Midwest was saying. We're not New York. And now they're telling us doesn't necessarily apply. But that was kind of what the

Midwest was saying. We're not New York. And now they're spiking. How are they spiking? What are the numbers? Well, a lot of it is actually in the prisons. That makes sense. Well, they rioted last week

at a prison because they weren't doing anything. They weren't testing them or anything prisons the elderly care facilities yeah those are the big ones oh I want to tell someone else's dirt but I can't like oh yeah you work in those facilities and they're not

fucking there's people in there but you oh I understand why you want to go to the press I can't do it. I can't do it. Oh, the third is meat processing. Those are the three where things have just – and it's because they just aren't testing and they're continuing to operate without the testing. So they can't segregate someone who hasn't been tested if they have it or even if it's someone who's not showing signs and they have it.

You think truck drivers would be the highest? They're the ones that are still going. They're stopping in every place. They're shitting on a bunch of different – Yeah, that's a bit I had to kill. They're fucking lot lizards. I mean, there's – That's what I've been doing this whole time.

I've literally gone from Florida to Pennsylvania to Arizona. Yeah, what about truck stop hookers? Lot lizards? Do they even know? Do they even? No. This is no different. They're doing podcasts right now.

I've had this cop forever. Fuck it up. Let's go. I like that Shaley thinks they can just take a leave of absence. They're probably desperate, man. They can't. Also, I think the flu is probably like the least thing. They literally risk murder every time they get in a truck.

Yeah, true. They don't give a fuck. They've never given up on life. This has devolved. But I think truck drivers are a little safe. I mean, they got the showers. They get taken care of. Sure.

They're very adamant about cleaning all their showers, cleaning the bathrooms extra. Don't you remember that podcast we listened to about fucking the morbid obesity rate of truck drivers? What is that? Where they fall asleep at the wheel? I never thought of hygiene in truck drivers. No, how they kill fucking children.

Yeah, I had to whittle that new part two bit down. And now I'm going to have to, now they're fucking first responders. They're heroes. They're heroes first responders. They're heroes. You're fucked. I know. But then again, what kind of stupid shit did you buy on Amazon that is not

fucking toilet paper or baby formula? Yeah, no. You're the asshole. He's not a hero. He's a victim. But it still ruins the bit when I try to continue to shit on truck drivers the nemesis of the road comic that's true that's true i don't know like i don't you work regularly shane so yeah i i work in fucking leaps and bounds and short, giant chunks. So I'm like, how much of my material is going to be relevant?

And then I go, I don't care. Because I just had Hennigan tell me all my fucking dates are canceled. Except for the ones that are not, that will be. God, I've been getting DMs about shows that are this weekend. They'll be like, is that still going on? It's like, no. No. It's like, I got a Facebook ad.

You're supposed to be in Boston in two weeks. It's like, no. Why would you just DM me? I have hundreds of emails now that I have to go back through. Not as much as you thought, though, right? You did say that to me. Yeah, they were good about, do we have any questions for this? All right, good.

Because I'm ready to switch off these mimosas that are going to give me fucking heartburn, where my esophagus will look as bad as my eye. That actually somehow seems improved. Yeah. They were trying to talk me into urgent care this morning. I go, this has happened before. It's a 24-hour eye bug. Well, when it's the eyes, that's different than a hangnail.

The eye wouldn't let me sleep through the night. I might have slept two hours total and then just laid there with the eye mask on because when i took it off just anything hurt uh any beam of light and i go uh but if i go to urgent care i'm gonna get the vid from all the people at urgent care and i'd write and then i went through hours of laying there thinking one eye or die of the vid then i went to suicide, as we always do. Yeah, of course. Did you drive to the border at sunset and call friends? I told you that in confidence.

On a microphone. On a microphone. I didn't think you would throw it back in my face. Listen, I've seen the way you deal with your friends. This is very tame compared to the way you treat Luis Gomez. Come on. Yeah, that was one of the phone calls. Oh, no, really?

Yeah. I thought it was very – you know, I do remember him looking down a lot. Yeah, the whole second half. Yeah, I felt really stupid about that. This is the deal. That was a marathon day. I did issues with Andy in the morning. Shane did a podcast.

Fuck, I'm so mad you picked up on that. We did a bunch of shit. And then after with Andy in the morning. Shane did a podcast. I'm so mad you picked up on that. We did a bunch of shit. And then after, it just kept going. We were on Zoom, which I scrambled and got everything going, and it worked out great. I think that that is a really good platform, and I would go back on it. But

I did, at one point, when Big J bowed out and David Smith bowed out, and then all of a sudden I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, fuck. That's why it's weird. When he said David Smith, I'm like, the mayor? Because we mentioned he's our mayor.

David Smith is our mayor. Let's get that eye tape off of this. Oh, yeah, that's gross. His eye leech. It's better than the skull and crossbones. A baby pic. That would stop everybody from smoking. I'm actually more scared of that than any story.

That came from his lung. Yeah, that's definitely pink eye. So what I was saying was when the Zoom thing, when it all happened, I requested to be able to record what was going on. Because after that, Todd Glass called in. It was a lot of fun. And then it devolved. And then I kicked out and I just stopped it.

And I don't know where the recording went. So there's that. Let's just delete whatever. Well, I mean, for you, yeah. You should. And we can get that puppet act back, though. That puppet act with Todd. Do you remember that?

Yeah, it's awesome. I don't know if he remembers. Do you remember the ventriloquist bit? Oh, she just audibly gasped at my eye. I turned a looker in the eye when she was talking to me and slapping me. Whips back. It's May 1st. We're recording this. I'll get this.

I'll try and get this out as quick as possible, but it's not going to matter. But I did see Todd Glass is doing a show tonight, May 1st from his recording studio, which is set up like a comedy club, and he's doing it differently than he did

a couple weeks ago. On the 18th, he did one. And look him up on Twitter. It's funny. Yeah, fucking Todd is the best. He's great. And that's where he broadcasts from for the Zoom team. He did say to say hello to you. You weren't here because you're not around a lot.

Yeah, I like being alone. But yeah, you were worried that Todd Glass might not like you like we all are worried that people don't like us. No, he said, hey, say hello to Shane. No, it's not like I really personally dealt with him that he wouldn't like me. It's just, you know, I had some negative press. Yeah, yeah. No, Todd's fucking great. By the way, he's doing it tonight.

By the way, he's doing it tonight, but then I think in two weeks he's doing another show from his recording studio, which looked like he was at the fucking comedy store, right? Those backdrops, all the soft goods on the wall. Fucking awesome. Check that out, and if you haven't,

check out anything with Todd Glass. He's funny. And yeah, check out the merch at the website because right now Bingo has got $1,100 a month in disability to pay for this entire thing. People have been ordering pretty consistently

Doug Stanhope merch. It's been awesome. Thank you to everybody. It takes a little bit longer right now. I saw Tracy while I was taking a piss in the fence urinal and I looked down over and she was partying out in the merch shack. Oh, nice. I don't want place to stay.

Get your booty on the floor tonight. Make my day. I can't remember. Yeah, that one. Yeah, that one. I heard that. Thank you. I was listening.

After the podcast, Doug and I, he didn't want to talk about this until he could reveal his eye and know the news. But we are going to talk about what we're going to do. Harvey Weinstein, that was the one I was going to guess is dead. Sorry. He's dead to me. He does have the COVID, I think. He does have. Yeah, he does have.

He's probably a dead one. So the Patreon, we're going to switch it up a little bit. We're not going to get rid of the- $1, yeah. He's probably a dead one. So the Patreon, we're going to switch it up a little bit. We're not going to get rid of the... $1,000. We just need a couple. That does suck for Harvey that he got COVID as far as him trying to pretend to be too frail to go to jail. You know, where he was like,

Oh, I'm such a piece of shit. I can't even go to jail. With a walker. You don't die. He gets COVID. It's like, you better fucking die, motherfucker. You're going to jail. With a walker. You don't die. He gets COVID. It's like, you better fucking die, motherfucker. You're going to jail, bro. I did see someone just compared Jeffrey Epstein and his quote unquote murder or suicide to

Adolf Hitler dying in the bunker in that Adolf Hitler died fat and happy and very old in like Argentina. And like all these people started like lining up. It was like, yeah, Jeffrey Epstein is following those footsteps. Look, Epstein, you can't just – that's gaslighting. That's a straw man, right? I don't know what that means. I think it means like just because you – like it means Jeffrey Epstein definitely didn't kill himself. Well don't know what that means. I think it means like, just cause you, like it means, uh,

Jeffrey Epstein's definitely didn't kill himself. Well, that's what that, that's what that meant. Yeah, I know. But they were like, then,

then you're like, well, Hitler probably did. You know, that one seems pretty legit. You know, I think you're starting a new podcast without a break. All right.

I thought this was a podcast where we talk. Yes. I thought we were wrapping up. That's what I thought this was a podcast where we talked. Yes. I thought we were wrapping up. That's why I thought we were doing the plugs. You can't bring up Hitler in the last minute. It's not a good walk-off. There's no way to get out of here. Drop the mic. I got a thank you if we do a thank you.

Oh, yeah. Because I came into a package and a letter. It says, hey, Chad, a little late for 420, but I hope you can still use slash enjoy these smoking utensils and glass cleaner. Love the podcast and the vodcast. Keep keeping on peace, Hank in Tucson. And he sent me like three glass pipes. Hold up the big rumpled stilt skin one over there.

That's so cute. That's a big one. I wanted to try that one. Marry the hobbit and some glass cleaner and some room like a whole weed smoking kit and I don't know if he works there or bought it

there or stole it from there but it was some matches from the moon smoke shop in Tucson so maybe they got a plug with that one but thanks to Hank in Tucson appreciate that maybe they got a plug without wanting one. But thanks to Hank in Tucson. Appreciate that, bud. Walter Alter sent me a book of his

poetry. He says it's not poetry. It's not really poetry. I don't know what it is. But, yeah, Engine of Didactic Beauty is the name of that book. And I don't think I've read your whole letter. It seems long. But not as long as your poetry.

Anyway, thank you for that. It's a great title. Engine of Didactic Beauty. And I don't have a fucking title for my book. I just have a book. Steal that. Just use his. Yes, totally steal that.

That would be funny. If only Audible had a sense of humor like we do. That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Yeah, I know. That's... All right, I'm going to put on my eye mask and go pee in the hot Arizona sun. Hope wherever you are, it's raining, it's late slush. I'm going to put the fucking glasses on first.

It's so hard to pee in there. Somebody film him walking outside. It's so hard growing old. What a drag it is. After that, we need to fucking buy property rights. Bingo, take us out. That's our number of bars, right? Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.