The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#396 - The Brain Fog Made Me Do It

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

Doug is antsy and a little keyed up after a marathon day of drinking and patio movies. Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Recorded June 8th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new special, "The Dying of a Last Breed", is out now on Vimeo.com - https://vimeo.com/ondemand/thedyingofalastbreed. The AUDIO ONLY is available on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3d7MFjv .We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Bobby Caldwell -  https://www.notesfromthepen.com/Submit any prison questions for Bobby Caldwell and we will ask him next time he calls in. Check out "Notes From the Pen" so you don't submit a lame-o question. Watch Neil Hamburger in "ENTERTAINMENT" -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laCKBx6dmW8Here is a link to the Green Room episode Doug was talking about with Patrice O'Neal and Bob Saget - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNHonbqlEOsAndy, Brett, Chad and Chaille can be seen 2 times a week on the ISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast. Every Wed and Friday on YouTube and an extra bonus podcast through their Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/IssueswithandySubscribe to Chad's Twitch Stream by using your FREE Amazon Prime membership option. Just go to Chad's twitter (@hdfatty) for a link and instructions. Thanks.Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast yes i can hear you we're good all right what's wrong with your hair what's wrong with it on the side behind your right oh i i try to shave it with a closer shave. And I like the closer shave better. I might fucking... Just do it all? Yeah, I might hammer it down. I like it. You did one strike.

The feeling on your skull when you get the fucking... Puppy fuzz. Yeah, the zero fucking bone shave. Hey, I was just watching Spotlight again. It was the movie about the Boston Globe investigating the cardinal law and the priest. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We talked about that a while ago.

Yeah, we watched it. We got a screener years ago when it won the Oscar. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I was watching it again. And yeah, I was watching it again. And I'll tell you what, after sitting in on issues with Andy yesterday, he makes child molestation far more palatable than that movie. You listen to the end, at least.

Yeah. He went light on it yesterday, too. Yeah, I think it was almost molestation-free for the most part. Well, it can't be. Can I get my cigarettes? I'm sorry. I've had all this time to prepare. And you sat there and said, how come we haven't started with your eyes?

Fuck, I'm in a mood. Thanks for doing that yesterday, by the way. That helped out. Yeah, well, it started at noon, and it was two and a half hours of drinking. That didn't end till I, uh, I kicked my fucking screen door in half on the front door. I didn't,

you didn't notice that when you came in, wait, he shalied the front door, which one? The front screen. Oh, that main house. I want to replace that. Yeah.

Yeah. It was, that's what I said. I think it worked out. I think you just said we're replacing it with your foot. It was, yeah, it was, uh, it was said. I think it worked out. I think you just said we're replacing it with your foot. It was uncooperative. I was trying to jam it open to let the cold air in now that I get that giant fan. It's on a spring, so it shuts, but it's an old, old.

It's older than any other door in the house. Well, I was very drunk, and everything I tried to jam under it to keep it open would slide under or not hold, and then I just kicked the fuck out of it. Yeah. I was throwing shit in the kitchen. I was trying to make food, and things weren't cooperating with me. I was trying to make four fucking burgers while I was drunk. The kitchen pays for the sins of the screen door? Yeah. Is that what's going on? Yeah, I always always lose my shit i woke up this morning in a space i go i i should just uh hey by the way uh i do have a bunch of thank yous but

what's this guy's name you want to start with the thing tim from denver i was just why i was just reading it and he said thanks for all laughs. The tin can rehab was a source of inspiration for me. Following the conclusion of your 30 days in the hole, I began my own fortnight of fortitude, haven't smoked a cigarette since. And that's how I felt this morning. Yeah, it's time for another fucking 30 days in the hole.

I'm breaking shit. I'm getting paranoid. I'm losing my temper over nothing. But that's usually what it is usually what i yeah my morning rage has switched to night times then i woke up peaceful and resolved to uh start in a better life i say with a whiskey sour and a cigarette ready to light i'm glad we're getting a warning because now i just won't come up here until three in the afternoon. There'll be some form of a retribution dealt out because of, I don't know, a leaf blew into your coffee. Oh, man, I almost beat my cat this morning.

I roughed house him a little bit. The cat is the cat, Doug. You're not going to tell that cat or beat it into some kind of submission. It's 13 years old or something old. How many times do we just tell – Ichabod, shut up. Ichabod. Yeah. It's a reflex.

Yeah. But when the cat's fucking in your face – Be like those horrible parents who the kid's screaming and is like, eh, you'll get used to it. But I'm just waiting behind you at Target. I don't have to get used to it. I just kept chucking them through the dog door.

Oh, man. What? It took me like eight or nine years to warm up to Meat Wig, and now you're going to fucking be into it? Oh, he comes back. Well, yes. But I'm saying, you feed them, and then you give them treats, and now you're going to fucking be into it? He comes back. But I'm saying, you feed him, and then you give him treats, and then you give him wet food, and then you refresh his water, and it's just constant.

Who owns the house? He came in so fucking filthy. At some point, I moved my rehab to the couch, and Meatwig jumped up on my fucking fuzzy, childlike pastel blanket and uh just coated in fucking burrs and sticks and immediately laid down and made the entire blanket filthy

it's like some fucking iron maiden of blanket yeah it's the dry season right now. We're getting ready to go into the monsoon, so everything's super dry. All the sticker bushes are just waiting for you to come through with a pair of tube socks. Mewig is a very furry cat. And this season, he just— A long hair? Long hair.

Yeah. A long hair, half man coon. And he just—he'll turn, by the middle of summer, he'll just be one sides like a fucking armadillo. Like dreadlocks to his one stiff piece of fucking fur. And then you have to shear him like a sheep. Which isn't easy. No, he doesn't care for that. No.

I was fucking with him with the remote. It's like a seven, eight-inch remote there. And it's hard plastic, right? And Chase is like, you better watch it. And I'm just doing that thing. And he's like, bat. And he's playful, right? And then he just let me know, hey, who's in control here?

He fucking grabbed it and hooked one of the little silicone buttons and pulled it from me. Like, I'm in control. I can do this whenever I want to, is basically what he's telling me. Yeah, you got to be careful with that cat. This is the cat that brought you a decapitated pigeon a couple weeks ago. Yeah. He's done that twice. Yeah, he was eating lizards all weird. you a decapitated pigeon a couple weeks ago. He's done that twice.

He was eating lizards all weird. The opposite part. He left the entire body of a headless lizard. That's a present. But usually he leaves the parts. He ate the head but not the body. He's not hungry. He just wants the knowledge of the lizard.

It's so... Yeah, he's not hungry. No. He just wants the knowledge of the lizard. Fucking movie night on the patio. I'm enjoying that. What clicked for you out there? I set that up so long ago. Well, I remember that you told me. I didn't know we had DVR for the longest time. You didn't think there was a cable box or something. Well, what changed is the fucking weather at night.

That's true. Now it's like this month is the best month in Bisbee. Because it's before the bugs and it's still 70 degrees at night. And you and I are rarely here for any string of time in June, July, because there's usually a tour thing going on.

So this is, I'm actually looking forward to it. I've got a lot of projects spinning lots of plates. So there's lots of things started. Much like everyone out there. Everyone thought they were going to get so much done. I'm going to learn that language. I'm going to start that model club. I know, I got fucking nothing going on.

That's why I'm starting to lose my shit. We got to skim the walls in the bathroom, man. I said to Valentina today, I go, do you want to just go out and do comedy in the funhouse on the stage to each other? Pull out my notebook, just do something creative a little bit. I work under a deadline. Dude, Andy sent me the clip of them shooting for his new special. The special, as we talked about yesterday on the issues with Andy, but I haven't seen any of it, right? And I was doing sound, so I don't really know what was going on during the thing.

It fucking looks good. The montage in the beginning is kind of just a setup. I don't know where they're going to put it. But then I go, wow, this went to dark. And then it came up with you on stage. beginning is kind of just a setup i don't know where they're gonna put it but then they i'm going wow this went to dark and then it came up with you on stage i'm going that fucking stage looks great yeah i'm we look i love the the dartboard and everything we unless we get velvet curtains those secondhand curtains look fantastic yeah and it says the fun house framed perfectly like in the shot. Oh man,

it looks so good. And then it went to dark after that. He was just given a little, a little piece of it. All right. So very good. Very good. Yeah.

And, uh, send it to me. I don't know. I couldn't get it. I want to do it. I want to screen the whole thing in here for us. Oh yeah.

We'll just put it on the fun house one day or wait. Or out of the patio. Uh, can't, that's not a smart TV. All right. That's why it's on the patio. Oh, yeah. We'll just put it on the Fine House one day. Or out on the patio? Can't. That's not a smart TV. All right, man. That's why it's on the patio. But we're looking forward to it.

I don't even know the name of it or what's going on. Yeah, he's going to have a title. He's always going to have a title. We've come up with about 10 different titles. I mean, we did all the artwork one day on Issues with Andy for Andy. And he's like, I don't know if this is... Eric says, look, you should just... The back cover should be the stool that you taped your

set to. It has all the beats. Oh, yeah. It's still up there, isn't it? Yeah. I was just about to say, I can't remember any of the material he did. Back page done. And then the cover, Erickson is always coming up with things, and then Chad chimes in with something and then it just turns into this

round table, no wrong answer, but they're all like, fuck, I'm writing these down as fast as I can. I don't know what they're coming up with. So that's in the works. Yeah, I saw Tracy today. Chad, you have mail.

When I was doling out the mail. Like Tom Konopka. Tom, I don't even know if you listen anymore. I had to put out a silver alert on Tom Konopka because he hasn't tweeted since May 15th. It's like three weeks. And I don't know if he was using my phone to tweet. He had a laptop. I don't know if there's a

public library for him to go to but then i i talked to andrew and yeah i think he has he does have a laptop yeah yeah did he say library library i didn't catch it that's probably how i say it i don't say library yeah tweet tweet if Doug said library. What is that? Tom Konopka. I don't know either because I'm used to him coming around here. But I think between the COVID and then his massive hay fever. Yeah. I think that it was.

Andrew says he sees him all the time. So that's good. He's good. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know if he's one of the many cases. I talked to our cases. I doubled in a week in Cochise County.

Yeah, it's weird. You're starting to see these numbers. Arizona spiking. Yeah. Did you see there was like 1,600 – I think about 1,600 people. They attribute to one party goer at the New Jersey Shore. One party goer at the New Jersey Shore. He was like patient zero at Jersey Shore during spring break or something.

It's weird, man. Well, I talked to Doc Mark today. Oh, cool. Doc Mark, he's at Banner. Yeah. Hernia surgeries, labiaplasties, comas. He works them all. King of the party one year. But he's an ER doctor.

Yeah, he works the ER at Tucson Medical. And a consultant to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Yes. I asked him, if you ever have 15 minutes to come on, and he said, oh, I just saw that text about the podcast. Sorry, it's probably too late. It's probably dated now. Not here. Not here it's not but uh yeah he said it's it's fucking hideous just like he said

i'm getting he said i'm getting hammered with sick as shit patients and i read it like he's getting drunk with his patients hammered yeah. Yeah. I'm getting hammered. I'm blotto with all these ICU patients. Which, yeah, I wouldn't put it past him. We drank in that ICU. We drank plenty. He drank in the closet. Respectable.

So hopefully we can get him on to give us some at least local COVID updates. I've been off the news not just because it's too fucking stressful. But I heard that the whole black lives matter that you can see from fucking space on pennsylvania well now it's called uh the what black lives matter boulevard or whatever they changed the name of the pennsylvania avenue where the white house is the white house yes the mayor changed it to black lives matter boulevard-sac. I don't know. Maybe I'm calling myself out as an idiot.

Defund cops. Oh yeah, defunding the Minneapolis Police Department. Yeah, they voted on that in the city council. For the first few days that you were getting a lot of coverage of people in the street and they were interviewing and I kept seeing this BLM.

I'm like, Bureau of Land Management? I have the same thing. That's a West Coast thing. All this BLM. I'm like, Bureau of Land Management. What do they have to do with any of this? Yeah, that's a West Coast thing. There's all the BLM land. Well, BLM owns most of Arizona. Yeah. You can't go anywhere without seeing a sign. I figured out what it really means.

That was sweet. That was sweet Well I don't know when the spikes from the riots start But I want to get him on Three weeks Three weeks Looking forward to it Well

It's a good cause but You know you look around And you see the footage And you know Some guys have the shield on. Some guys have the mask. Some guys aren't wearing anything. I see lots of masks.

Yeah. Lots of masks. Yeah. But I mean, no, no, I'm talking about the cops. Oh, the cops. They're all over the place. Yeah. And then they're also like, you might as well consider them like a meat processing plant.

Like they're all in,. They all get changed together. There's a proximity there as police that they're all going back to the same locker room in a car. That's not six feet. Yeah, the Nextdoor, especially since this stuff started happening. Nextdoor app that we have. Yeah, it's the nextdoor.com. If you don't have it it's it's a facebook for your neighborhood basically just hey lost dog and but people

are complaining about the police not wearing masks and gloves and on ours yeah the warren one yeah where no one even walks they walk along and that's what i started to say is when i was giving the mail out i saw tracy and she goes yeah we're just getting ready to go on a walk i mean chaley and uh we take the dog but it's uh she doesn't like the heat of the day and then she left and i thought i like the heat of the day you could have taken me for a walk sorry I thought you were saving your walking for the dog. Nah. I was just...

My head is... No invitation, always. Yeah. It was just a fucking bad headspace day. I started watching... Did you want us to feel bad? I mean, I don't know how I feel in this. No, I'm saying that's how out of my head I am

that I would have gone on a walk with you. Oh, wow. Now I feel bad. I started a movie, Trumbo, about Dalton Trumbo. It's the Hollywood blacklist. It's an interesting subject for sure. Yeah, it's nothing I'd watch at night with a cocktail because I wouldn't be paying attention. Patio.

All the patio movies i recorded from on the dvr are just dumb shit we watched grandma's boy and uh the jerk is fucking well and i recorded those uh mark's brothers just because it'd be good background yeah i get a million out there now but they're all like okay this is shit you can put on when people are drinking and you don't have to mcgruber i got i I think MacGruber is tonight. Tonight at 7 on the patio. Or the Fly. Clockwork Orange. The Thing. John Carpenter's.

Yeah, I just loaded up a bunch more. It'll be coming up in the next... Yeah, that's nice out there, man. Even when it starts to get rainy, I think all the like where the TV is, it's safe because it's still under the eve but even the um patio the roof the add-on i think that is leak free now i think andrew went in and patched uh during the last uh monsoon but that cover you got for it even like i i had to get

someone tall to take it off i forget who do you need a taking off stick uh and i'm like where's the remote you know i think it's in there you have a pocket for the remote on the thing is go chaley thinks of everything but anyway so i start watching trumbo 10 minutes in and valentina comes over she's like oh i know this whole story and uh she goes if you if you want to save this i'll watch it when i'm done with my shit and uh she was taking a shit yeah she was she was shitting she's yelling from the bathroom and uh and then she left and uh so i started going through my list and of other movies and then i get distracted and i go oh i'm watching a movie i immediately forgot and started

watching it and the next scene right after she had left it's a really fucking great scene and i go oh i gotta tell valentina about that i went oh fuck i'm supposed to be saving this so that's why i put on spotlight it's quarantine rules dude no saving movies tracy's pissed at me for He does it all the time. She's like, did you watch that one? I go, I watched the series. I'm on season fucking four, man. He watched a movie that my parents had told me about to watch that I told him about, and then he watched that without me.

Thanks, by the way. Tell them thank you for that. I was just afraid she'd remember and want to watch it this afternoon. And right after I was tempted to watch it and then I go, oh shit, I'm going to have to sit through that in an hour. That was the one I was telling you, the Matthew McConaughey, the,

um, something Jones, free state of Jones. Hmm. I'm going to civil war kick right now. Cause I'm just finishing that. Well, still not finished that book,

uh, grant by, uh, God, I can't remember his name. Ron Chadcow or something. I'm sure it's the only one. It's huge. And it's – they just did a three-night docuseries on the book I'm actually reading or listening to someone else read to me. Bedtime stories. And it's fucking great, man. It's definitely...

That book is so good because you realize how fucking inept our education on Civil War was in California. Well, probably in most of the country since the 40s or 50s. So, yeah, it's really good.

This fucking all goes back to what you said. All this shit that we were going to get done. I read Alex's book just because he's submitting it. The same way he read my book and gave me notes. But other than that, I haven't read a fucking book. I haven't read a fucking page of a book, a pulp. It's The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells. I was totally into it, bought a model kit, and I watched the movie from Universal.

I haven't read a fucking page since we got back from Seattle. And I did one day with the model kit, spilled glue all over the fucking table and ruined it. And now I haven't even fixed the part I ruined on the table. It's just, yeah. Let alone work on the model kit. Let alone work on the model. It's just a pile of shit in the corner. Yeah, I've been good at every few days tidying up places immaculate.

I've worn the same fucking clothes for three months. I've done laundry like three times for three months i don't i've done laundry like three times in three months because it's all socks yeah at best yeah it gets a slippery slippery slope when you're in the quarantine to be like not only what day is it it's like when was the last time i changed my underpants so So now every day... Yeah, if your balls didn't itch, you'd never know. Oh, a little yogurt-y. If you had a monkey that itched your balls, you'd never

know. We're going to get one of those. Hey, Amazon. Ball itching monkey. I'm the opposite, though. I'm doing way more wash just to... God, every day. Just put on something else, except for the outerwear. And, by the way, the work shirts, that's also on my list.

I found over at the other house, the quiet house, Bingo's like, hey, I want to get rid of this screen printer. I go, screen printer? He's like, yeah, little Mikey brought that over. Do you think – 80 years ago. I'll take it! Because we want to do work shirts, Killer Termite work shirts

that we ripped off from the... JT Abersack. Well, actually the machine shop is the one I wear all the time. I totally go, I'm stealing that idea. It's too good. So that's another project. Yeah, well, a project that makes money is a good one.

Well, yeah. And I found a good outlet for the shirts and everything. And yeah, I guess they're probably drying up now. Speaking of making money, thank you, everyone, who's not only got the special on Vimeo or the audio version on iTunes or Amazon. Thank you for spreading the word. Because as I've been shying away from the news, also I have Twitter and email.

So if you want to get a hold of me, the best way to do it is to listen to my podcast where I do all the talking. And I'll assume you're great. I'll be on the patio. Yesterday, I was like, why haven't I done a fucking Audible vacation? Just find an eight-hour Audible book,

have you set it up so it plays through my car, and then immediately drive away before it stops playing, and then just drive for eight hours and listen to a fucking book. That's a great idea. You guys did that? You went up to Mount Lemmon that's a great idea you guys did that you went up to mount lemon that was great and i want to go back there that was that that's i think that's it it's a very underutilized uh well for us i don't know it looks like there's plenty of people up there yeah the road ends up there yeah i i've just got as far as the town. I didn't go, wait, no, no. I think we had to go up where the ski lift is.

That's where there's a little diner. Fucking basic breakfast. And it's the only place that had a toilet and a public restroom in the entire Mount Lemmon area. All the stuff is closed going up the hill. Oh, because of COVID. Yeah, and there's porta-potties at the ski. Anything that's National Land Park. That's when I start getting a little claustrophobic.

Because when I get sketchy like this, when I have time off, that's where I go, you know what, fuck it, I'm getting on a plane. And I fly somewhere for no reason. What's that? That's her alarm. Yeah, and listen, when you shut the bathrooms down for no reason. What's that? It's her alarm. Listen, when you shut the bathrooms down at the National

Parks, because you don't have people to maintain the facility, do you have people to maintain people shitting and pissing in the park? I mean, people are still going to have to do that. Yeah, who just drove a long way

recently? Shane Gillis? No, more recent. That was their biggest problem. No, Kristen Becker. She drove from LA and she said just trying to find a place

to fucking take a piss. It's a nine-hour drive. You got to hit the truck stops. They were coming from LA, but she's from New England, right? Yeah. Yeah. She lives in Cape Cod. I thought they were coming from New England.

She's back there now. She was driving back. Yeah. Yeah. Provincetown. P-Town. That's going gonna be a good place to fucking quarantine p-town if it's shut down in the summer they're big tourist place yeah just financially they're suffering but they get the fucking summer with the beach to themselves if they live once yeah fuck yeah that's like the empty freeways and in la when it started uh hennigan

said that vegas traffic is almost right back to as bad as it ever was so yeah that like not watching the news or watching the news doesn't give you any kind of sense of what like life is like for other people and that like, it's just like, oh, everything's fucking a disaster, but how's your day-to-day, you know, whoever, Dr. Mark, what are people doing?

Are comics doing what I'm doing still? Are they going out in the fucking world? I don't know. There's bookings. Some comic clubs are opening. Yeah,'t know. There's bookings. Some comedy clubs are opening. Yeah, I know Texas, Addison Improv, Club in

San Antonio. But then other places, like Seattle, or somewhere, I don't know, it was Washington or Oregon where they opened shit up and then closed it all back down 10 days later. Yeah, oops.

So yeah, that fucking brain fog after yesterday. Good God. I mean, you've been drinking during the day? That was a noon to nine by movie night.

By movie time. I was just like one eye on the screen. We did drunk down Nick Swardson at halftime of Grandma's Boy to try to get him on speakerphone to give us some director's commentary. He's in the movie. He's so fucking funny. But he didn't answer. He did text back today. Oh, good.

But so. He was text back today. Oh, good. He was in The Wrong Missy. Oh, yeah, that's right. I love that movie. Yeah, that was... You know, what are they doing for movies now? I mean, nothing... We drove by the

Uptown Theater coming back from Home Depot the other day in Sierra Vista, and on the marquee is Jaws at 645. The original Jaws. No one's sending movies out. Hang on. Go ahead. They actually are doing a bunch of really fun stuff with movies outside of just premiering the Disney stuff straight online. Independent movie houses like the Loft Cinema in Tucson.

Shout out to the Loft. Shout out to the New Parkway Theater in Oakland. Now is the time if you live in a place and don't get to go to the movies, all of the movies are coming out streaming, and you can just buy them online and stream them to your, or cast them to your TV or whatever. And it's, it's super fun.

Fucking stepping on this fucking drive-in patio dinner theater. I'm trying to start to make a living here. There's no other movies other than my patio. It's a $20 admission. You pull your car in. We can do a five car drive-in. Shady Dell just had an article. Yeah, but I'm saying, driving, you stay in your car.

You watch my movie. Get them to simulcast it on KBRP, the sound. You have four cars in your lot, and it's full. No, no, you can put another one up. No, five, okay. Yeah, pull that Mazda down. No, you can put another one up. No, five.

Okay. Yeah. Pull that Mazda down. So the Shady Dell. Yeah, the Shady Dell. Dots Diner just got a write-up in this year's Vista paper. Let's do a fucking drive-in. Let's do that. Just to put it out there on social media.

Five cars. We can all face them so that you can see the TV. Oh, that's your screen. Is the TV? Yeah. The 56-inch TV? Yeah. Well, it's...

There's going to be some obstructed views. I mean, we're going to have some complaints. If you're on the back nine here in the gravel... Just pass out opera glasses. Well, the couples that are just going to make out during it anyway, put them in the back nine. This is what I'm saying. There's so many fucking creative things that I could be doing other than

thinking them up, saying them and not doing them. Let's Kutz is still doing that. They're still doing their comedy. They put the comic on the back of a flatbed. Now they got a guy with a drone. Everyone's bored and looking for something to do. They got a guy with a drone

as they're loading in to the Coots parking lot. And the Coots parking lot is one acre. I should have started a list of the things that I... Like, mayoral debate. Three months ago you should have started it? That's on Next Door Warrant. Three months

ago you should have started a list or today? No, today of the things over the last three. We're going into the third month. We're halfway through the third month. March 20th is when I. Yeah. I already mentioned that I said we should just do stand up to each other. Yeah.

I bought new lights for the bar up there. Oh, did. Yeah. Shawnee stole one from you. Not stole, but he borrowed one. Oh, that's... But he also fixed... Wait, the brand new one that you just bought? No, that's one of the fucking expensive ones.

Just bring it back. But you said he stole it. No, he's borrowed it. I say stole. He's snagged. Oh, because he's black? So you immediately he stole it. No, he's borrowed it. I say stole. He's snagged. Oh, because he's black? So you immediately say stole? I was talking about his white half.

Have a little sympathy to the Bureau of Land Management. Thank you. Speaking of books I haven't read, this is the one I'm going to read. Someone sent me a Warren Zevon book that I already did read. This is the one I'm going to read. Someone sent me a Warren Zevon book that I already did read a long time ago, but it will get read. Chris Cullity. Thank you. He knows

I'm a Zevon fan. Jordan Zevon. I got to get a hold of Jordan Zevon. That was Sleep When I'm Dead. It's a biography. Don't throw it away. Don't give it away. I'd like to read that one because his son sent us that. Yeah, Jordan. Yeah.

I was trying to get a hold of Jordan. And for some reason, I thought I had his number, but I don't. But Hatchet Books, who I think was the – who published my first – I remember that name. Hachet. I don't know how you say it. Hachet. Anyway.

Or French outfit. They get – I think they are. I don't know how you say it. Hachet. Anyway. Or a French outfit. They get... I think they are. I don't know. It's Hatchet. It is Hatchet? Yes. Let's get an E at the end.

It looks a little French. No, it ends with a T. Can you... Where? No, it's spelled like Hachet. Yeah. I think it's got an E at the end. Fact check.

Before you heckle, fact check. Just Google and it'll give you a pronunciation. We're not allowed to have phones on in the showroom? And they have a lot of fucking great rock and roll, like, junkie memoirs. So they sent me Mark Lanigan. Sing Backwards and Weep is the title. Mark Lanigan was the lead singer of The Screaming Trees. Yes.

So that's a no-brainer for I'll start reading. You were right. A shared French pronunciation is a French publisher. Ah, see, I had to guess that they published my books but i got the name right all right yeah that mark lanigan he's the uh the former lead singer of uh screaming trees sorry we just had to cut out of chaley made made a... Chaley pulled a boner. I tiptoed around it for so long until it was like, just say it!

Jesus. Alright. That was drooly. That was drooly because my goddamn fucking maraschino cherry got stuck in my straw. I backfired. My pound cake backed up on me. I thought he was ready. I backfired. My pound cake backed up on me.

Jeremy Snezko. Snezko. Snezko? It sounds like a Willy Wonka. He sent us some Brazilian liqueur. I had to not sign for it. FedEx brought it. You have to be 21.

You have to show ID and sign for it. But FedEx doesn't let you touch their shit. So he goes, you have to sign brought it. You have to be 21. You have to show ID and sign for it, but FedEx doesn't let you touch their shit. So he goes, you have to sign for it, but you can't. So I'm just going to do it for you. But he could tell. And he thought you were 14 because of your red mohawk and your rose glasses. We thought we could toss up

at the Uphills at Christmas. We had a bottle here for a while. Someone sent a great vintage cocktail book. That's gorgeous. Flip a page and just point blindly. And I'm going to close my eyes. A solo eggnog. Eye of Newt.

What else? But it's wooden and it has hinges. A wooden cover, yeah. Ooh, stars and stripes. One-third grenadine, one-third white creme de menthe, and one-third creme de violette. Gross. No, hold on.

Those are all ingredients from things we saw during the 30 Days in the Hall. Yeah. Creme de violette. I remember being at BevMo going, should I just get the bottle? They don't sell a creme de violet in the fucking airplane. Can I get a side of sarsaparilla?

I bet they do. Creme de violet? I bet if you looked for it. Mini bottle? It would be great to have the most extensive mini bar bar. Yeah. Like everything that could be the most extensive mini bar. Bar.

Yeah. Like everything that could be sold in a mini bottle. We could replace those little football helmets. Yeah, but what happens when – because I know at times when we've gotten to where there's no liquor left and then the little bottles in your kitchen are ruined. Yeah, they're gone now. Yeah. and then the little bottles in your kitchen are gone now. When I finally got rid of those, they were here for maybe nine years. When I finally stripped away

the last of them, some of them that were unopened were a half full. They evaporated through the seal. That can happen. Yeah. A mini bottle, you're losing it all. Fucking last time. We still have like...

Are those rusted beer bottles still in the back in the coolers? Yeah, those are like six months old and they got left in water so the caps are rusted. Wait, how long ago was that? It was October. October, okay.

The Sierra Nevada's fine. I used it as a beer and an ingredient. Oh, yeah, for cooking. Hey, when liquor's gone, those are premium. Do you remember how hard it was when we cleaned out this bar with all the shit we go, no one's ever going to drink this. It's so hard to throw out alcohol. Especially, you would think with the miscreants we know, that someone...

Why isn't Reverend Derek drinking that stuff? Do you think he would? But you don't want to offer up beer bottles with rusted caps. Well, you always leave Miller Lights in here. It's hard to get people to go around the corner and get a warm Sierra Nevada that has rust on it. I know, but you can't leave them out on the street like you would an old desk you know or take them to the yeah the helsing house the halfway house yeah maybe you guys can make some bread tin town tin town the vopills did that one year for uh christmas or new year's they came and they

they took a bunch of my mini bottles when i had them in the kitchen and they were giving out little baskets, gift baskets to the homeless and they were including mini bottles. A cigarette and a mini bottle in five bucks or something like that. Yeah. Start to a problem. Yeah, I was almost tempted to start

reaching out to people I haven't talked to in years today. I just texted Doc Mark. That was enough. You can start. Yeah. And an end. It was good.

I'll quit while I'm ahead. Get out of your system. Yeah. All right. So I think that's our thank yous. I'm sorry. I don't know who sent me that. Oh, thank you.

Copper Queen Hospital. Well, you were already on the last podcast. So, yeah, very caring people here at the Copper Queen Hospital when you're in a fucking pinch. Now I have to, I don't know if I call it fucking city or direct TV, but the fucking neighbor's tree who doesn't live there. It's just the fucking lot next door. But this fucking tree is run amok. It's grown into our deck.

It's grown. It's scraping on the fucking. That's why I was watching that spotlight. And it cuts in and out like it's fucking monsoon season because there's fucking tree branches scraping at my dish so and the rest of the lot that isn't cleared is overgrown to fire hazard proportions like fucking fix your shit i don't care you don't have to live, but fucking get someone down there to clear up your shit because you're fucking up my movie. Is that? Yeah.

I don't know. Do I go to the city? No. Go to DirecTV first? You can complain to the city in that someone, their property is in disrepair and you don't know. Go ahead. What are you doing?

She's trimming my eyebrows. We're not doing this on camera. She can do whatever she likes. Well, now I wish we had the camera. So you can call the city and say someone's yard is a problem, and they'll contact the owner. Yeah. I don't think – I'm not worried if his grass burns down.

I don't think that's going to set my metal fence on fire. But when your tree is fucking tickling my ear when I'm on my deck. Yeah. Fix your shit. You're already a slob and you haven't even moved here yet. Assholes. Assholes, your time has come. Because I am a time bomb. assholes assholes your time has come

cause I am a time bomb I'm gonna explode all over you people can't sing the next line of that song not in this current climate hey Doug you want some email questions yes I do hey remember Gregory Thompson

yeah documentarian no there could be one Remember Gregory Thompson? Yeah. Documentarian? No. Okay. That's a different. There could be one. I know his name's Greg.

And so the Gregory Thompson that I'm referring to is the guy who set up that Zoom when you had a jag of tweeting. Oh, yeah. There was a lot of Zooms that I stumbled into. This was the guy who tried to play bass on one of them. Okay. Yeah. But then didn't plug it in. He's a cool dude who

set up a couple Zooms for you with other people. Tracy, pay attention to this. Can you ask Tracy how she normally measures out an appropriate pour for a vodka or whiskey drink? Is it by eye, by count, or the measuring device? And how much

heavier does she pour from Funhouse Regulars versus Mere Mortals? Tracy, you cannot answer yet. Doug is going to answer first. I have no idea how she pours. Oh, you know how she pours. She's a fucking shit face. That's it.

But right now she's measuring because when it's a usual, it's a regular vodka soda. I'm doing a pour test this week as the manager. Yeah, when you get... So we're checking her level. You're giving it away.

The only thing that I will say, I like using pour spouts because then you can count and you can have a proper or a heavy, however you want it. When you guys use the giant jug, you just glug it out of there. There's no... Yeah, and you're using like simple syrup. You need to know how much you're using. Vodka soda. If I had a bunch of bottles and they all had pour spouts with all of these

ingredients in it, I would just use the bottles with the pour spouts. It's another thing we should have been working on. This whole pandemic, we should have more jiggers and pour spouts. And a mini bottle bar. With a tiny shot glass thing other than groceries i haven't bought shit i bought i bought chaley a present on amazon today really it'll be here tomorrow oh wow you

bought you paid for shipping you didn't go with prime i don't know i just i i saw it and i looked it up and it's the same my My only dumb purchase where I put Amazon workers at risk was what? The glasses that you're wearing that you brought to me yesterday, which I actually enjoyed wearing those. That was kind of cool. Well, I got you some yellow

tinted ones to match your hair. You're the worst. What? You can't keep a secret for 24 hours? No. Less than 24. Not when I have time to fill. I have nothing to say. Hey, Josh Eppert, sorry if I got it wrong, E-P-P-E-R-T, has a quick question for Doug. Have you watched the movie Entertainment starring Greg Turkington? In and out of his Neil Hamburger persona, would be curious to hear your opinion.

No, where do we find that well i guess you just type in entertainment greg turkington yeah or neil hamburger if you people don't know neil hamburger that's a good rabbit hole to go down his fucking twitter he doesn't do it much or or maybe he does and i have too many people that over-tweet in my feed that I should mute. So I just get lost in the shuffle. But yeah, he fucks with corporations really bad, and it's fucking hilarious on Twitter. What's his Twitter? I would have – no.

It seems like that would be – Look it up. It might be America's Funny Man, but it's probably Neil Hamburger. I can't imagine other people having Neil Hamburger. Years ago, Tracy and I went out to LA to go visit Brendan Walsh, who was opening for Neil Hamburger in

Silver Lake. And we drove out there, and during Brendan Walsh, it's a small little bar, before Brendan Walsh, while Brendan Walsh is on stage, uh, Neil Hamburger comes out wearing like, uh,

a work shirt. Like he just serviced the air conditioner and he's watching the set out front. No one knows it's him. And he watches the fucking set of the openers and then goes back, quickly slicks back his hair, puts on the outfit and comes out. And I thought that was so fucking cool. Because I didn't know.

Did you not work with us when we worked Houston together? No. No. Yeah, he did the same thing. Came off stage, green room. I love that. Changed into his normal clothes. And then I had to talk to everyone and no one's bothering him because they don't know it's him. All right.

Who's this from? I think this is from John Powell. Stand up. Did you ever work with Patrice O'Neill? If so, do you have any stories? Was listening to old Patrice Opie and Anthony shows a while back, and you were a calling guest when Patrice was there. Yeah.

I'm sure I wrote about this in the last book, or one of the books. When I got the man show, there was like 10 of us, 10 comedians that were auditioning with each other. Dane Cook was one of them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dane Cook and I had to write a monologue and then have a sketch. So they'd pair people up to see who had chemistry together. And he paired me up with Patrice. Oh, my God.

And the first thing he says was, I don't work well with other people. I'm like, oh, this is going to go swimmingly. As you got your hand extended. Nice to meet you, Mr. O'Neill. He's very scary. Are you more scared of Patrice O'Neill or Joey Diaz? Patrice, for sure.

I mean, as far as someone who can just rip you to shreds, find your fucking weak spot. Like smell the air before you come in the room, and he already knows how he's going to tear you apart. Yeah. Because I have pretty good skills like that. Yeah, you're good. Cut to the quick. Yeah, I wouldn't get in the ring with that guy. Norton's got a fucking good nose for that. Yeah, you're good. Yeah. Cut to the quick. Yeah, I wouldn't get in the ring with that guy. Anyone?

Norton's got a fucking good nose for that. But anyone above Patrice? Not that comes to mind. Yeah. But I mean, that was kind of what he did. When he was on The Green Room, and he started- That was Paul Permanza. It's on YouTube, a great one, with you, Glenn Wool, Richard Belzer, Patricio.

It was on the best one, I think, because he was on with Bob Saget and challenged him on some level. You have to look it up. But I'm paraphrasing. He's like, just say something off the top of your head. Not something you planned on saying. Say something. And Bob Saget fucking responded and was fucking right there and i think that's the same one with rosanne that's so good that show is so good i can't believe that's not being remade like as a fucking you know everyone's putting their own shows out now it's not maybe it's better that it's

not yeah you know i what was it oh clockwork orange i saw that you were you were recording that yeah but i also watched it the other night while i was editing it was like it's great like just the visuals and like what they thought the future was going to be and we're way past what they thought the future was going to be and And it's interesting to see their choices. But it's like, yeah, that's one of those movies that it's like, fuck. Don't ever remake it. Don't ever remake it. Like, don't turn this into a thing where someone goes, you know, these kids today, they need to get a good dose of Kubrick.

Without Kubrick. Shane and I were talking about was there ever a sequel that was as good or better, or a remake that was as good or better, and I was going through movies today, recording for the patio,

and I, was that a, was Ben affleck in that no casey affleck and i'm going was there ever a sibling that was better than the fucking original star and yeah casey affleck is one there's a couple i saw i go oh yeah he's way better than his brother oh oh as far as i'm talking about siblings people people that, oh, what's his name? Tom Hanks kid. I like better than Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks kid. Yeah, Colin Hanks.

Oh, the kid who had no shirt on reporting about his Tom and was that? I'm mixing it up with COVID reports. Sorry. All right. You want to make this a podcast? No, hold on. Oh, we got questions. Yeah.

Oh, he also says he wanted to know something about the album, something to take the edge off, the alternative cover, the LP, which there's only one cover for that. And then he had questions about merch. Just go on merch. If you have any questions about merch, just email stanhopestore at gmail and Tracy will get back to you. And he also says, thanks.

I just upped my $1 Patreon to $5 this morning. Love you all. Thank you, John. Thank you. Oh, this is a question. I should save this. Bobby Caldwell called in two podcasts ago. I want questions for Bobby Caldwell called in two podcasts ago. So I do want to – I want questions for Bobby Caldwell.

All right. So if you have questions for someone who's currently incarcerated, send them to us at standoutpodcast at Gmail or get in touch with me on Patreon and just say – just ask the question. And next time he calls in, I'll have a bunch of questions ready for him. Because I think that's interesting to me. I'm fascinated. Yeah. In the meantime, he's from Traverse City. You can Google his story.

Or no, I think his story's on his website. So notesfromthepen.com. That'll give you the story of why he's in prison and the details. And you can fact check that against google news reports from the time uh so you don't don't don't start with questions that are already on the fucking internet yeah uh and he did uh he did mention to read uh what's the name of the story was It was, oh, Make Porn Great Again. It's about... And he's talked to me like,

yeah, I forced myself to stay up late the other night because on one of the channels they get, they sometimes show boobs at 2 o'clock in the morning, and he forced himself to power through. And the movie that night was some 1968

documentary on Anton LaVey. Oh, shit. We just watched it two nights ago. Yeah, yeah. There's definitely boobage on there. He said like three quarters of the way through, there was some 53-year-old troll lady. Oh, my God. And he had to jerk off to that.

And he just walked around ashamed of himself all day. off to that and he just walked around ashamed of himself all day so so yeah the lengths you have to go to to find something to jack off to in prison he he recommended starting with that story make porn great again at notes from the pen.com yeah just some comments from jeff zahone uh from patreon uh truly enjoying the podcast doug said it today when he said the podcast makes you feel like you actually have friends This is what you said Now I know how the listener feels That was funny

And his wife laughed for 20 minutes When she found out your production company Shake the baby So thank you You can submit those questions to standuppodcast.gmail Or go ahead and get in touch with us On Patreon And yeah I answer everything on that Yeah don't lose your shit out there questions to standuppodcast.gmail or go ahead and get in touch with us on Patreon.

I answer everything on that. Yeah, don't lose your shit out there. You might need that screen door. You might need someone to repair that screen door. Yeah, you know, someday you'll look back at that cat and miss that yowl. Soon. Ow.

Alright, I guess that's a podcast. soon. Ow. All right. I guess that's a, that's a podcast. Zing us out of here, Bingy. Okay. Bye-bye now. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Thank you.