The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#397 - Everybody's Late

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Doug just wanted to podcast and everybody is late because of poker on the patio. Doug answers some questions and tests the limit of car capacity in the compound.Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Recorded June 13th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new special, "The Dying of a Last Breed", is out now on Vimeo.com - https://vimeo.com/ondemand/thedyingofalastbreed. The AUDIO ONLY is available on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3d7MFjv .We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Bobby Caldwell - https://www.notesfromthepen.com/Submit any prison questions for Bobby Caldwell and we will ask him next time he calls in. Check out "Notes From the Pen" so you don't submit a lame-o question.Watch 2 Watch - Showtime - “16 SHOTS” - https://www.sho.com/titles/3466069/16-shotsISSUES WITH ANDY Podcast - Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille can be seen every Wed and Friday on YouTube and an extra bonus podcast through their Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/IssueswithandySubscribe to Chad's Twitch Stream by using your FREE Amazon Prime membership option. Just go to Chad's twitter (@hdfatty) for a link and instructions. Thanks.Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Everybody's late. We were going to podcast because everyone's out there doing the live poker twitch on Chad Shank's Twitch stream. They're doing poker on the patio. Not quite the social distancing that we had imagined. But I'm not out there to supervise and I'm not in the mood. Chaley and I are way more than six feet apart.

And that's how we like it. You're not into social distancing, Doug. You keep having people over. I don't have people over. People come over. If Derek hadn't shown up uninvited, there would be six feet between

everybody. He's the domino that knocked everyone closer together? Yeah, it was not just uninvited. He was, everyone is avoiding his calls. What? He doesn't play poker and he just gets really shit-faced. I'm like, all right. He's come over a couple times on his own.

Like, all right. He'd sit on the patio and I didn't even put on a movie because he'd fucking talk through it and say dumb shit. You just spoiled the illusion for like 80% of the listeners. I'm trying not to be mad. You can't say, oh, you're not invited. Go away. That's a fucking hideous, cruel thing to do.

Two more drinks. I know. I'm trying to get my head out of that space because we were joking about it earlier. I don't play poker. Yeah, I knew that. That's why we're going to podcast. Don't play poker. Yeah, I knew that.

That's why we're going to podcast. But I thought you were going to podcast while people were getting here. And then they'd start their Twitch stream. But Chad was late because his truck broke down. The new one? The new old one? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, that's why everything's late. And you were late. No, I asked what time. And you're like, I don't know. Oh, yeah. I'm like, well, that's why everything's late, and you were late. No, I asked what time, and you're like, I don't know. Oh, yeah. And so I'm like, well, then, what the fuck? I'll just come up when I feel like it. Yeah.

Well, no, I came down to your house. I said three to four is when people are getting here. I got here at four. Yeah, it's five o'clock. Yeah. Yeah, and now they're finally starting their Twitch stream. I came up to kill the weeds. I was going to cut down the weeds.

Oh, yeah? And then i had a couple of drinks i could tell you had a couple of drinks because you're shit talking me before this even started what don't say that don't don't say uh doug laughed uh oh yeah you had a funny joke doug gets mad if i have a funny joke yeah that's... Chaley's already had a couple cocktails. Usually you just seem... Because I'm fun? Funner? Yeah, you're more fun. And you talk shit. You've seemed really fucking miserable

lately. Like you got us to finally fucking the Italian Cypress to put in front of the fucking neighbor's windows. I'm sorry. The blue Italian Cypress. They in front of the fucking neighbor's windows. I'm sorry. The blue Italian cypress. They're getting old.

I look like an idiot at the nursery. They're looking a little brown. Let's water those fuckers right away. They're junipers, man. Yeah, that fucking house on the far side over the dog shit yard. Yeah, we needed trees. We've been talking about this for 10 years. To put in front of their windows on our property.

You know the best time to plant a blue Italian cypress? Juneteenth? 10 years ago. That was my Jeopardy final answer, stab in the dark. Turns out we got a pretty good deal on one of them, and the other two are almost identical in height. They're six feet in the ground. There's no goddamn H at the end of height.

What did I say? You say height. We've been over this. It's width. It's correct. Height. In this day and age You say height. We've been over this. It's width. It's correct. Height. In this day and age, this is the thing you complain about? Yes.

Yes. All right. They're wonderful plants. Yes. Thank you, Morgan Murphy, for the use of your truck. Because we joked about doing a drive-in movie night and just all stare at the TV on the patio in cars, and I said, I bet we could fit six cars in here.

Oh, no, we can fit 11, it turns out, because I was a little bored waiting for everyone to show up, and I saw how many cars we can fit in here, and it's 11. And one of them is a Suburban, so that's two economy cars. Yeah, but you could park two where the if i moved the barbecue yeah you could park two right by the urinal all right doug doesn't have an open pit barbecue it's just it's a wepper yeah i know but if he moved it aside it's all it's taking up a parking spot, is what I'm saying. Obviously, all 11 cars couldn't see or hear that

TV. But they'd know where it was. They could look towards it. We could simulcast. Actually, we could simulcast on Bluetooth. Yeah, I mean, let's face it. No one's going to tune their radio to anything.

What do you got there, Doug? I'm texting. You know what? I thought Yeah, I mean, let's face it. No one's going to tune their radio to anything. What do you got there, Doug? I'm texting. You know what? I thought you were going to pick up the slack while I did this. What slack? You and I are having a conversation. Yeah, I know.

I'm not cutting this out. All right. Now I lost track of where we were because of you and your negligence. What? What was I yelling at you about? I don't know. Probably something really important. You said you could have 11 cars in here. That's where you were at.

Yeah. And you wanted to know where. Yeah. We could put 11 cars in here. Great. And you want it to know Weber. Yeah, we could put 11 cars in here. Great. And we will. People are really testy. Jen, I told you, got into a beef with our friend two doors down, three doors down about a dog thing.

Jen is part of the compound. She has one house away that you bought. She is part of the compound. She has one house away that you bought. She's my tenant. She's on Black Knob. And next to... She is on the other side from Tracy and I of

Backdoor Mike. Yeah, we used to call her Yoda at the Death Valley parties because she always had a cane. Yeah, she's a... Attack of the Clones Yoda. He was more mobile. Yeah, when it comes to frail, she's...

But yeah, she said, yeah, she called me immediately. There was a dog situation in front of her house while she was watching Awesome. What's Jen's dog's name? Awesome was the dog. What's Jen's dog's name name she doesn't have a dog okay just want to set that straight that's what i'm saying she got involved in a dog situation where she didn't have a dog in the fight but she was watching awesome for backdoor and then

anyway whatever it is she came out hot and started fucking talking shit. And then the big burly guy, she described him as Chad Shank-like. And I'm like, nah, he's nice. He's got like a samurai John Belushi little ponytail in the back. He's big, but he's not biker-y. Ponytail or bun? Is it enough to hang down? From what I remember, he doesn't look like Chad. Chad has a ponytail.

Yeah, no. That's a ponytail. Yeah, he has a little sticker out. Anyway, the point is, I've been on Nextdoor, and I'm having a fucking blast on Nextdoor. Did we talk about this last podcast? Nextdoor, I'll just say, Nextdoor is an app. Like a Facebook for the neighborhood. I think they used to call it Geosities or something.

There used to be a thing a long time ago where you could do that online. But this is a neighborhood. You register with your zip code and your address. And so the people in our neighborhood, Warren, get messages. Yeah, Bisbee's a town of maybe 5,000 and next door is broken up into the neighborhoods of that. So yeah, it's a lost dog and someone,

you know, stole change out of my fucking unlocked car. So like, I love, those are all, those both are things that I've seen. Yeah. But I love it.

I love going on there. Someone got my car. What'd they take? Nothing. What the fuck? So they got out of the cold? What are you worried about? So it's like heckling baseball where I go on and I'll say some softball jokes.

Like some guy two days ago said, hey, does anyone notice a bleach in the water a bleachy smell of in the water and i go oh that's my bad uh i've been dumping bleach into the bisbee water supply to try to kill the virus should have googled first don't worry i think i can fix this with ammonia in the morning or light yeah and then after that i replied to myself uh i'm just kidding i have to say i'm just kidding on a forum like this because that was the site where last year when there were butterflies everywhere there's just all these yellow butterflies everywhere and i go don't worry about this i've just hired a crop duster to eliminate this plague of butterflies. I'll get to the ladybugs next.

And the replies above and below Doug's are like naming the genus and the scientific name of them. And like, oh, they're coming from Mexico. They're on our wonderful neighbors from Mexico are passing through again annually. At least one post calling it a blessing no people are saying the attorney general is going to hear about this you can't spray us with poison so I always had to say just kidding

on a lot of them so yeah I've been fucking around on that. I don't know what started me on this whole. Next door? Turn your ringer off, man. Come on, we're doing something here. I'm Twitch streaming outside.

Yeah, Chad's doing double duty. He just folded a hand on the patio poker. Don't worry, we'll be out there. We're going to make quick work of this. You want to just hit some questions? Oh, anyway, so yeah. Finish your thought. Well, I didn't remember what the thought was.

The point is, Jen calls me up and says, Hey, I was just a dick to you know so-and-so. He's a big guy. And then we figured out who it was. And then I got his number through a friend, and I called and apologized for her. And then he texted me back this morning. Thanks.

Sorry you had to be involved. No, I was happy to. Like, yeah, I've been on next door peacekeeping. You're like a peace broker, man. Yeah, I've been fucking peacekeeping in the neighborhood because people are a little on tilt. That was just so weird. When we finally figured out who the players were. It doesn't add up. It's a sign of the times.

It doesn't. A non-dog owner yelling at a guy about a dog issue when they live one house apart. And they see each other every day. To context for the guy, he works at Cafe Roca, and he pulled me aside one time. It's our only fancy restaurant in town. Five star, man. Yeah, and we wait for people to show up that we can take there.

We use that. It's like the Shady Dell. We look for any excuse to go there. I don't want a five-course meal ever. I don't eat, but i want to take people there and they make great old-fashioned cocktails right yeah that guy pulled me aside as i was walking out he's like you don't have to over tip like that every time like he's that nice a guy she's that meet your girl this is jen got into a beef with this guy this guy about a dog where she doesn't own a dog.

And you know, the person both of them should have been yelling at was the person whose dog keeps getting out. Yeah. It's like, hold on. The person who should be getting fucking lambasted on this whole thing is nowhere near the argument. Are you telling me that people have now started having Twitter fights in real life now? Where nobody understands what's happening, but they're still fighting? It's happening. I had tweeted the night before on Nextdoor.

Like, hey, because there's infighting on Nextdoor. And it's really, it's cute. It's quaint. And I said, hey, listen, it's funny when you guys infight, but as much as I wouldn't be invited to your Thanksgiving and you're fucking probably annoying to me, any of my neighbors, you need anything, I'm there for you. Just trying to be polite. We have a next door over where I'm at, but I didn't get on it because I don't want to get that involved. But I've introduced myself to the neighbors and said basically the same thing. Look, I don't ever want to talk to you, but if you have a problem or, you know, I kind of look out around here.

Yeah, you know, if you have anything. I've killed rattlesnakes for pretty much everybody on my whole block. They come and get me, and I'll kill a rattlesnake on their porch or something. But, yeah, other than that, I don't get invited to barbecues and shit. Which is fine. That's what I ask for. You know what the great thing about that is? I tell people I'm a good neighbor, but I don't want to talk to you. The great thing is that they don't feel guilty now for not inviting you to things.

They go, oh, no, they don't want to go. And they just move on with their day. I have one guy that had a party every year. And it took him about six years before he stopped. He'd come over and bring me a flyer. I know you say that you don't want to come over, but come on over this time. I'm like, yeah, probably not, but thanks a lot, man. And he finally quit inviting me after about five or six years.

Yeah, someone on that thread said, well, you're always welcome over for meat Saturday. That's what I'm not doing today. Meat Saturday. Who's that? They over for Meat Saturday. That's what I'm not doing today. Meat Saturday. What is that? They eat meat on Saturday. It's like a barbecue, I guess. But yeah, no. So I got invited to places.

Is barbecue a registered trademark of someone that they can't say barbecue Saturday? Meat Saturday sounds weird. It sounds almost like an orgy party. Yeah, it's a Ted Nugent thing. We're just, yeah. The Nuge. We're going to use every part of the animal Saturday. Come barefoot, leave with moccasins.

So it all worked out? Yeah, everything's working out. And you know what? As unhealthy as that might be, we know everyone here. We know everyone fucking doesn't go out or talk to people. No one's coming here from a club. So, yeah, I'm going to go out and join the poker.

I'll do all the chat on the Twitch stream. I'll cover that. And eventually, when it comes down to some fucking whoever's getting some big stacks, I'll come in and fucking wipe you out. I'm better than Tracy. Really? Yeah. I've been drinking.

I have a lot of courage. Oh, yeah. That's what you need at a poker table, courage. You're so right. You're going to kill Tracy. The reason I wasn't playing now is because I was going to watch a few hands because I never played poker in my life until we played it on the PlayStation. And now I know what buttons to push, but

I don't know how to play poker. Where's the controller? Tracy, where's the controller? Where's the thing that beeps and tells me it's my turn? I don't know. So I'm going to watch for a little while. I suggest playing for a while to get the feel because cards are intimidating

to me because I don't gamble anyway. And Tracy's really good at it. Doug's really good at it. Kenny is – try not to pay attention to his energy because it goes crazy. Yeah, Kenny's easy money. But it's fun to, like, get into it. But when you start to see it starts to get serious, it will be about 4 a.m. when it gets serious.

Doug will be six buy-ins by that point. And Tracy will be on zero buy-ins. So we'll see how it goes. That's my prediction. I got drunk one night. I remember, I think Shawnee was the last one. That's right. Shawnee used to play. And I won like $600, which in Bisbee money

is unheard of, because I was drunk, but I was playing drunker. That's a job in Bisbee. I was just doing it. That's a job. It is me. Yeah, whatever. I'll just do it. And he's like, when I had a good hand. That's what, play strong hands. That's the best way for you, Chad.

Yeah, except for I go down, whatever I have to throw in each time, I go down a buck or whatever each time. And then I have a bad feeling with losing money. I don't like to spend money on stuff. I've never really had any money to gamble with. whatever each time and then i'm not i have a bad feeling with losing money like that where i like i don't like to spend money on stuff but i've never really had any money to gamble with if i had money to gamble i think it would be fun but whenever you're broke all the time then i just be like i could have bought this my truck is broke down i'm over here betting money yeah we were just talking about that that's when I stopped enjoying gambling is where I don't need $600.

Like there's no fun in this. Go upstairs, get the t-shirt money, get down here quick. Yes. That's an actual phone call more than once. I just read a text. Oh,

Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's where unless you get into arty lang michael jordan i'm gonna put ten thousand dollars on a coin flip yeah uh yeah i don't have any thrill in that i mean i remember playing nickel slots between bingo sessions at the gold Coast when I lived in Vegas. Oh, my God. And if you hit the Royal Flush, it was like $200. I'm like, oh, if I get $200, I could play bingo all night. Bingo was great because you could play bingo, and it was like $3 minimum buy-in for an hour, but you got free drinks.

So that's, okay, I'm going to get as many for $3. It's kind of like Keno. Oh, yeah. It's a social thing. Now with phones, you could be gambling online while you're gambling at a bar playing Keno. When they first opened the Indian Casino where I lived at the San Carlos Reservation, they had a thing in the newspaper. You come out and get a free beer.

So I was like, all right. I went out with my coupon. I got a free beer. And then they had dog racing. And I had no idea. On TV. On TV, yes. And I had no idea how to do it, but I would pick one to place and one to show.

I still don't know what the fuck that means, but I would just do that every time. And I would bet like two, three dollars. Place is second, third is show. I still don't know what the fuck that means, but I would just do that every time. And I would bet like two, three dollars. Place is second, third is show. And every single time I would win enough money back to get another free beer. And I just stayed there drinking all day off the same few dollars. And I never knew how I did it. To pick second and third but not first repeatedly, that's good. It was always one or the other. I would always win me

like three dollars which was enough to get a beer when places show is the like you got one dog to get one of the three but if you pick the

first, second and third I mean obviously the money goes up Doug where were we we were driving I think we just left Wyoming Wyoming

and we stopped at that one it's like a Best Western or something in a fucking shit town it's not Rollins. It's where Bingo was locked up for the duration.

It's at the Utah border. Fucking Evanston? I think it's Evanston. They had a hotel bar. It was the greatest hotel bar. It was a Red Lion, I think it was. And it had a great bar and they had off-track betting.

So we had... That was the best day. Just sitting there all afternoon. Oh, and World Cup was going on. We were watching World Cup gambling on fucking horses at the hotel bar where we could stumble to our room.

Live feeds. The horses are on the track. You'd watch it, but then you'd be watching another screen that says the next couple races coming up. And they're off. The most fun I ever had gambling was whenever we discovered that little horse track thing

that we annoyed everybody else in the casino, apparently. Oh, the plastic horses in the casino. We would celebrate like we were. Doug knows it. Sigma Derby. Sigma Derby, yeah.

I used to, when I moved to Vegas as a kid with a fake ID as 1920, Sigma Derby, the stupid. Wait, 1920? The year?

19 or 20 years old. Jesus Christ, this guy's fucking old. Jesus Christ, this guy's fucking old. Hey, speaking of the devil, no, I wasn't. That was earlier. Yeah, I would play all the dumbest games in Sigma Derby. It's...

I don't know how to explain it. It's an oval track. Yeah, it's... And you bet on... There's five horses, and you bet on what horse, and they have different odds, and then they... It's like a carnival game.

They run around the track. Yeah. It's almost like at the fair where they put a rat, a bunch of rats in a fucking bucket, turn it over, and which hole they go into. It is as dumb as that.

It's like the hockey game where you twist the knobs to slap things, only you're not in control. The Sigma Derby one is the old one that you're talking about. They only have that one now at the one casino over on Fremont. All right.

The D, I think it's called. I don't remember now. They have a six. That's where we do, that's where we do Keno. Because Hennigan said that's the best place because it's sequestered

and there's two of those games there. And they're always full. But those are the ones you put a quarter in. Yeah. The one that we were playing is like a championship cup or some shit.

It's the new version. At the front. When we were at, where the fuck were we at? The plaza. The one that's shaped like a. That was the Caesars. No, Luxor. Luxor, yes.

But they have another one at the plaza, at the front door where you come in from Valley Park. Not the Valley, but where the drop off is. Yeah, I just remember that later Stan Hope told us that he could hear us while he was losing shitloads of money playing roulette. And we're screaming like we won twice as much as you lost. And we're only betting $3 on each horse. Combined. Yeah. That was fun.

Oh, it makes me want to go to Vegas, except that they're... Except for the damn COVID. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah, evidently, the Brechels were out there in Vegas. Yeah. And, uh...

They left Panama and then went to stay with... Oh, that's right. Yeah, now we can say it. For some reason, when they were in Death Valley, it was a secret. I'm like, from who? Who's going to follow you?

I think they were just embarrassed to be. The protests got close to their house, and they took off as part of the whiteness relocation program. I love that line. Like, when you tweeted that yesterday, I'm like, well, finally. program. I love that line. Like when you tweeted that yesterday, I'm like, well, finally. Because it's only on the Patreon channel

for Issues with Andy. That's what made me think about that. Because it's such a good line. Jenny Craig over here, our bartender, I told him that it's such a shame that it was during that because no one will hear it. And then I saw that and I'm like, oh, that's

why I tweeted it was because I was like, was that on Patreon? That was a funny fucking joke. I'm tweeting that shit. He did that live. That was fucking great. I'll do it live. Wait, is it lemon in a gin fizz or lime? Do I look like a girl?

Are you assuming Shaylee's gender? Hey, Jenny Craig, can you make me a drink? I couldn't think of a girl's name, so... You told me not to use your name. What is it? That's a... That's a gin and juice, my friend.

Gin and juice. 50-50? No, 50-50? I'd say gin and juice, my friend. Gin and juice. Yeah. 50-50? Where's the sloppy syrup? No! 50-50? Is this really the time for you to be appropriating cultures? Shaley drinking gin and juice? He said he didn't want his voice or his name or anything on the thing.

There's supposed to be simple syrup out here. I should have gone with a usual. Do a three count of gin. That's in the name. And then the rest pineapple juice. But please put a little ice in there. Just a sous-son. You picked a bad bartender. I'm trying.

It's fucking your Twitch stream is depleting our workforce. And our guests. This is the lighter of the parties. Those guys are probably all cussing me out there. I came in to make a drink. If you want to go, go. I just saw you. I wanted you to say that.

It don't matter to me. We got questions. We'll do the questions, and then we'll go play some poker. You'll have to tell her how to make your drink, Chad. Oh, no. I'll just go over and make it. Can you make mine?

Yeah. Chad. Oh, no, I'll just go over and make it. Can you make mine? Yeah, yeah. I don't know where the fucking simple syrup is. It should be, it might be in the fridge. One day without Tracy. It can't go bad. It'd be in the front. There you go. Front, top, blue bottle. Thank you, miss. Tell me what's wrong with it.

It's alright. Thank you. Thank God you's alright. Thank you. Thank God you have a real job now. Do you want to do questions? Yeah, let's do questions. Someone sent us a case of four-pack, I guess you'd call it, of Applejack.

And I said, does anyone know what Applejack is? And Joby said, yeah, it's a headache in a bottle. So those will be going out as consolation prizes to whoever loses at poker. We need something for the people who are here. We appreciate it. Anytime that FedEx shows up and says, you have to sign for this because you have to be over 21. I know it's booze. And then generally it's booze I'm not going to drink. Not all the time.

Wait, someone sent us Chikasa? Yeah, yeah, I haven't opened that yet. That's inside. Because I had to talk to Sergio about it. Because it's Brazilian. And he told me a 20 minute story of how to drink it. It's sugar based rum kind of

shit but you put sugar in it and I go so it's like fucking double Kool-Aid. It's a sugar drink which you put sugar in and then lime juice. Oh I guess it's sugar and lime juice too so yeah it's a lot. It's just sugar.

So, George Lacey sent us the Applejack, and it's one of Jersey's two main exports. Boy, America's going down. Jersey's exports? It's from Brazil. Two main exports is Applejack and... Oh, Applejack. I thought you meant the Brazilian

shit. I don't know. But the... Let's see. I don't know. Readers down there. The Jersey Lighthouse is the drink he suggested, Doug. Yeah. And it's Applejack, bitters, sugar, two cloves, lemon peel, and hot water. That sounds

like a lot of fucking work. How do we make hot water out here? He's saying,'m gonna i'm not gonna lie it's pretty terrible but he sent us four bottles yeah i'm gonna send someone else four bottles that sounds like something you only make if you have the flu and that's because you're desperate this is the herpes of regift i've heard so bad something i don't care what it tastes like. Hey, thanks Mr. Lacey. Yeah, I got my thank you stash

is fucking doesn't, oh, this is, a lot of this is from last time. What is this Charlie? That came in and you thought it was mine, but it's to the podcast. I can't remember what it was. Well, it said Doug and Greg, so anything that has, oh, Bad Boy Bubby.

Read the... Amazon sent a thank you. Yeah, from Sammy Chadwick. Thank you. I have seen Bad Boy Bubby, but you know who hasn't? That only gets five channels and desperately needs a DVD is Reverend Derek. There you go. That was an immediate,

and you didn't see the fucking beam coming out of Derek's eyes when he can finally, he's got five channels, he's been in quarantine for months. Nobody visits him, probably for a reason. Two of his channels are in Spanish. Our friend said, hey, are you learning Spanish now? He goes, no, but i'm losing my english

but he hasn't been in the police beat for a while so that's good that's right uh you had a whole stack of things doug yeah i know but i don't i some of these are old i already said thank you to uh another guy here about that bottle of Brazilian shit. That's a blank notepad. I'm coming, I'm coming. Go ahead, get me some... Oh, you're out?

Alright, so go ahead. Give me some questions. Is the ATM on site here? We need to expand the funhouse. It's obvious. If we can fit 11 cars in here, we can expand the funhouse so it has maybe a toilet or running water. I'm going to start with an easy one, Doug. These are all from Patreon.

Actually, some of them are from the email. Patreon is the best way because I answer all those questions. Or you can go to standoutpodcast at Gmail and maybe I'll answer. Kevin Hamilton wants to know, what is the smallest royalty check you've ever received? I think there was one for eight cents. I don't know. You'd have to go to the eBay yard sale.

There was a single digit or maybe more than. Yeah. Yeah than 8 cents, 12 cents. I think it sold for like $30 too. Oh no, I think the smaller the ones that we put on eBay yard sale, the more they sold for. I think we sold some of those for $100. My point is, the eBay yard sale, I've had a couple

questions about that. I don't know what's going on with that. Are we doing that this year? Is it a COVID casualty or what? Wow, your entire Twitch stream is coming in. Did somebody bring my phone? Go ahead. Next question. eBay yard sale, what's going on?

Oh, I don't know. Listen, you seem so busy all the time. Don't worry about the mule, just load the cart. Well, maybe we wait on eBay yard sale until people have income? Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a better idea. You want to take S&H green stamps? I complain about being out of work.

I'm happy to be out of work. I shouldn't say this, but I'm gonna. I don't want to work this year. We have some dates out there, and Hennigan and I had a cold war on the phone yesterday, where I go, because he's booked it like Chicago

for September. I'll put your dates up, but there's no point. Well, the dates that are up, not necessarily on our site, but other sites. Hey, are you still doing July something? I'm coming to the show. I go, where do you see that? And it was on, oh, that's Boston.

They still have July up. No, I'm not going to be there in fucking July. Can I answer this? When you see something change on DougStanhope.com, then that's for real. Because I don't know what the other sites are doing. Orders from the Scotsman were just leave it alone because the venues are changing dates further down the road,

but they have no fucking idea what's going on. So we're just leave. We should just take down that fucking page. No. Okay. All right. Hennegan is right in that if it changes on DougStanhope.com slash tour dates, then that's what you go by.

But like right now we got Boston. Boston is still July 10th because it hasn't been officially changed until it's changed on our website. There's no changing on the tickets. That's why I was saying, just put on the tour dates on the site, just write, who fucking knows is what I would say.

We don't fucking know. The venues are changing dates on speculation, but so is the NFL. Hockey? We're planning on doing it, but we have no fucking idea. You're the last person that makes the decision. Yeah, well, here's the point.

If your fucking state is clean and we have no new cases, that doesn't mean that we're spiking. Arizona's at its fucking worst, and that means I have to go to the fucking airport get on an airplane and I'm not worried about being on stage I'm away from you

my favorite thing about being on stage is I'm not in the fucking crowd but all the crowds I have to go through and go to a Hampton Inn and whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm hoping that I don't work this year. I already told Tracy that I need what was on the calendar. Yeah. Tracy and I are unemployed. Burger King's hiring. I'm fine. Oh, wait, Tracy, I can turn your mic on. We're fine because of

Patreon people you support the fucking kids that are here you gotta turn that on Trace and orders from the shop thank you yes merch absolutely if you are like me where you

still are lucky enough that you can buy some fucking dumb shit online? Please. Because that all goes to the kids. You know what? Let's do Chad's thank you so he can get out to the... Yeah, yeah.

Right on. I don't even have a name because I think he's a covert. He was a narc. He's a guy on my Twitch stream a while back. We started making fun of him. What are you, a cop? And he's like, yeah, I am, kind of. And we were talking about guns.

He sent me a couple of magazines for the Ruger 10-22. Sent me some military-issue goggles. Is that the one you just got? Yeah. What is it? Zombie Apocalypse rifle? Yeah. Sent me some shooting goggles.

Yeah, these are real nice. Military-issue. I've seen nurses wear those on CNBC. I think everybody left my Twitch stream with nobody on it anymore, so I have to go out. Thanks for having me on the podcast. I just thought since I wouldn't have a Twitch stream without being on the podcast, I should say bye.

See you tomorrow. I'll be out shortly. Who's winning? Tracy? Not me. alright you're not gonna be for long once I get on that fucking table I have the strength of gin I've not had a good poker face Tracy talking about how you're gonna kick their ass

I always come from behind those guys forget that I'm down right now but Ken always starts high and then I always come from behind. Those guys forget that. I'm down right now. Ken always starts high. Yep. Yeah, let him win a few pots. Then he gets a false sense of security.

What do you got? All right, Doug, a Patreon question. Sebastian has a question. It harkens back to the gump. Just kind of setting the tone here. I've been fired from a grocery store. I've been told to return a pair of pants. How do I do this in the best possible way? Oh, return pants from the...

The work pants. Oh, work pants. Yeah, don't. Don't. Yeah, just don't. Don't. Yeah, just don't. Did you get your last? Are they withholding your last check? That's right.

Because I made reference to this in an early CD. Oh, you know what? I fucking remember the bit. It's like, yeah, 20 years ago. It was something about I would just quit. I think it was about if I was something about I would just quit. I think it was about if I was president, I'd just quit. Like old school, no call, no show. No call, no show.

Like, I'm just done. I quit. Yeah. And then I said, yeah, we're going to hold your last paycheck until you return your uniform. And I'd never really get a laugh because that was a thing when i quit a million jobs as a kid you don't get your last check till you return the uniform i need the apron and the shoes and it's like what i bought these shoes like everything

i had trying to remember a shift where i like usually you have to buy your own stuff right yeah yeah well yeah but that's a good that's a good if they're holding the last paycheck how much are those pants yeah exactly like them are they comfortable do you want to keep wearing them i like stupid questions like that thank you the other thing is is there another market he shops in town? Because if that's the only market he goes to. What if he had a job? What if that was like some fabulous grocery store where he had to wear some fucking. Gelsons? Tuxedo?

What was that jacket? I'm trying to remember that designer's name. Green and yellow jacket. Lily Pulitzer? I think it was. Yeah. Yeah. Good pull.

Yeah, what if, yeah, you find those online, and they're like $600 pants. I don't know. I don't know what kind of pants you have, son, but you have a lot of free time. What do you got? David Grossman says, it's kind of a comment watched last breed uh dying of the last breed just wanted to say watching stand-up is like listening to miles davis 90 of the time it elevates the mood what miles brings to music stanhope brings to comedy i love that wow thank you all right you know that's the second person uh the other one being a grammy winner, Chris Bode.

He'd say, you're like, I think it's Miles Davis. I know of the name, but I don't know of the music. But yeah, it's probably misappropriated. Andy says, why do I remind everybody

of black people? This is not the time to give fucking rich white guys. Well, I'm rich for this room. They're not giving you a license. They're just appreciating your art. I'm just saying I support Black Lives Matter. And he says, I love Doug and all the show guests, but my favorite thing is hearing Meatwig meow. Meow.

I listen at work and it always makes me smile like a loon. Can you put Meatwig's picture up on the Patreon? Yes, I will. All right. There you go. I want Doug to hear that so he doesn't get so mad at Meatwig. Fucking that cat is making me crazy. meat weight. I fucking, that cat is making me crazy.

No one has a beef with fucking hey, your cat get over the fence. It's a dog issue. It's always a dog issue. Hey, your cat get over the fence and it menaced my cat. Your cat gets over the fence and hunts in my yard. That's a legitimate

beef. Yeah. You've got bird feeders and stuff like that well fuck your birds, keep your birds in line you're not touching your property well, they do fly over alright, Shane says I produced a track to certain specifications

for some probably dog shit rapper at a discount if he paid this was a stipulation he had to pay it forward to the innocence project under a reddit charity thing which ended up being kind of half big but the rapper did pay for the and it went to the innocence project beautiful yeah speaking of uh so yeah everyone knows where i fucking lie in this whole current fucking post-COVID crisis with the fucking protests. Innocence Project, watch this movie.

It's on Showtime, but it's still, you can find it, I think it's on Hulu. It's called 16 Shots. I watched it last night and I went, I shouldn't be drinking during this because I'm going to forget too much of it. But I will watch it again. It's that Chicago cop that killed that kid outside of Burger King. Yeah, actually, a couple people fucking left. I can't watch this. I'm all in.

But I was also drunk. So 16 shots. Watch that. And thank you, Shane. Shane also says release the ban... I had to redact some of the things.

He figured out who it was. That ad that we got banned immediately and lost all the money for the year. Yeah. It says release the company which got you blacklisted. It was a gem and the company which got you blacklisted. It was a gem. And the ad which got Stan Holt banned is a link I think people would click.

I don't know why you're, like, muting yourself on who that was, because it's a funny. I'm trusting you. You'll tell me afterwards. But we've been banned by Audible, who I'm releasing a book with. I have three books with them. But as a sponsor, they banned us, too. So that's why Patreon is so important, because we make fun, we make light, and we fucking sell product. The one we're missing is a whiskey if we had a fucking

whiskey sponsor we'd sell the fuck out of it and i know this because for years when i was a miller light drinker even on my specials i'd order a miller light and even jagermeister they would sell out of whatever i drank on stage yeah it do. Yeah. It still happens. That theater in Canada where you sold more liquor in one show than the highest person before that sold in two shows. Yep.

That's a badge of honor. Yeah. And so if I'm trying to sell sheets, I might like them, but you don't give a fuck because you live on a fucking air mattress in a bachelor apartment. I get that. But the kids still need to eat. We don't sell anything I'm against.

Some things only some people here use. I don't like any kind of weed thing. I don't. But Chad does. and most of our guests do. CBD, Bingo is definitely into CBD, so she does all the CBD products that we get.

Yeah, but we don't sell anything I hate, but I know what I can sell and what we're desperately missing is a fucking whiskey sponsor. Just can't do vodka because I know they're can sell, and what we're desperately missing is a fucking whiskey sponsor. Just can't do vodka, because I know they're all the fucking same. I'd hazard to say that we could probably be part of it in trade, because we would just stock the whiskey here. Yeah, sure. I mean, it's not out of the realm.

Sorry, I started a fucking business meeting in the middle of a podcast. Give me a question. All right. Oh, Clay Foster asks, On the last podcast, Doug asked, What's your day-to-day like in other places? Yeah. And he says, Here in Tennessee, we never really even shut down at all.

We did close restaurants for a while, but that shit's been open for a while. Arizona must be a lot different. And just to give you an update, Tennessee is definitely one of the 13 states that have a huge spike in the last two weeks. Yeah, and Arizona's spiking, and I don't leave my house. I mean, I'll drive around. Three times I've gone into the corner store with gloves and a mask to get cigarettes. That's the only time I've been inside of a business.

There might have been one other thing. But no, I went to a drive-thru couple times at schlotzkies when i drove to sierra vista to get a car wash so uh yeah i don't fucking know what's going on in the outside world we in tennessee you're speaking for a lot of people sir we basically never shut down well we may or may not have i don't leave my house should have had a better house. I've got to the bar because it's on my property. It's in my house.

Or around the house. I don't need pants. That's been my favorite thing because we're two weeks away. Oh, by the way, we're probably two weeks away from our 400th episode which would probably sync up with june 29th i believe was when i moved here 15 years ago and i found pictures of when we first moved here and i was walking around taking that same picture from the angle of what it is now. Oh, jeez. I think I just smashed all the bar rack of glasses.

Just to see all the shit that we have done. Thank you so much, Chaley, for being responsible for most of it. Including the brown Italian cypress. Let's spray paint it blue. So I've got, are you done?

Mm-hmm. I'm rambling now. I've got two right now. One is kind of trite, and the other one's pretty heavy. Then go, clothes on heavy. What do you think? I know. I just wanted to give you that.

Yeah. So you that. Kaylee's so cute. You did a dedication, well, a shout out to someone who wrote in and then he neglected to say the name of his sister.

It was a birthday thing. Oh, yeah. So Kat has replied, I have a brother, Derek, who is stuck in Russia, riddled with alcoholism and depression. He succeeded in getting a semi-personalized birthday message from Doug to me on my birthday, which was read out on episode 394 of the podcast. The stupid drunk bastard forgot to tell you my name. He has a miserable birthday coming up on the 23rd. Mishka Shubali and I have a long-running flirtation that has yet to culminate in the disappointing one-night stand Mishka so desperately wants.

So I have set up a wager with the aforementioned Mr. Shubali. If you deliver a birthday message surprise to my brother, I promise, hand on heart, to never sleep with Mishka. If you don't deliver, Mishka wins. Don't let Mishka win. My brother's name is Simon. If I could do a podcast that the sole purpose was Mishka Shubali never getting laid again

by reading birthday greetings I would be the American top 40 Casey Kasem of fucking long distance dedications so what are you going to do the shout

out yeah I'm doing the shout out this is the beginning this is the beginning of the shout out to some drunken simon living as a expat in russia drinking vodka listen mishka shibali should never be amongst the fucking world. He's a traitor. He's an absentee landlord. You're telling this to a guy that lives in Russia. Yeah, yeah. Well, someone's going to fuck your wife, but it shouldn't be Mishka. Anyone but Mishka.

It's his sister, not his wife. Whatever. It should be his sister before it's Mishka. Whatever. It should be his sister before it's Mishka. You should fuck your brother before you fuck Mishka Shubali. Alright. Stand by. Alright. Go heavy with me.

Because I have to piss. Do you want to piss first? No. Let's take a break before the last three minutes. Let's go. Hello, Doug. I a break before the last three minutes. I can edit that. Let's go. Hello, Doug. I'm writing because the coronavirus lockdown killed a friend of mine. Hmm.

I now know more people who died from lockdown than from virus. He had money problems and a drinking problem, and the lockdown gave him an opportunity to lean into his drinking. Saturday night, it caught up to him and he died. Without the lockdown, he would have gotten out of the house enough to ward off that for at least a while. Anyway, he was 43 and drank himself to death. You are in much better shape than my friend Eric, who died,

but I'm trying to tell the heavy drinkers I care about to try and make healthy choices. I'm not going to judge you on your decisions, but selfishly, I want to watch you do several more shows. Just like I wish Eric would be alive, just so our group of friends wouldn't have this tragedy to deal with. I hope that didn't bum you out. Did not. But I hope it makes you think about hitting the brakes more frequently. Yeah, I hit the brakes when I can. And this is one of those where, all right, well, he could have had a family member die.

If you have a predilection to drinking in a tight spot, yeah, you could blame the COVID lockdown, but it could have been anything. I drink all the time. I drink because I have social anxiety. I drank because a bunch of people showed up here for poker. Yeah, he wasn't like, I'm on the straight and narrow. As long as no virus comes my way, it could have been anything. If he had two broken legs and had to be on a disability from work, it would have been the same thing.

Oh, my God. How many fat people do we know that said, oh, I'm only fat? Ralphie May. Oh, because I was in a car accident when I was a kid. Big fat Ronnie Putnam. Yeah, I had a slipped disc or something, and then I got fat. Yeah, there's always an excuse.

Fatties have an excuse. Drunkards, junkies. Everyone has an excuse of why, hey, it's New Year's Eve. He drank himself to death because of too many holidays on the calendar. Too many excuses. Or too much stuck at home. I appreciate your concern, and I have those same concerns. And I, yeah, I should put on the brakes.

And I always concoct some kind of plan or, you know, oh, hey, today I got a project. Hey, this project will stop me drinking until eight o'clock and then I'll go to bed early. So I came up here to work and I could smell cold ice and I stopped working. You smelled ice? It's just enough. You walk into the firehouse. Don't I blow enough secondhand smoke into

your face that your olfactory should be as dead as mine? Why do you think the AC is right above me? It's sucking in. Do you think when he was talking about this

Hey, I'm not shitting on your friend. We've had a bunch of people die, Dan. Dan is the guy who wrote that. Dan, yeah, obviously in this lifestyle, in this line of work, it's in the book if we ever get to record it.

But do you think he's referring to you throwing out the 30 days in the hole when he's saying like – Yeah, he's worried that – Is pumping the brakes not drinking for a day or pumping the brakes do you do you interpret this as being uh 30 days like you taking like a sabbatical from drinking he listens to the podcast and on the podcast we're always drinking and usually heavily but yeah we don't do the podcast when i'm fucking walking the dog we don't do the podcast when i'm spending eight hours organizing my fucking trinket drawer shaley get up here i'm doing my taxes

i make uh i make uh fruit infused water every day in a gallon jug, and I try to drink as much as possible. And then I have smoothies with spinach and beets, and then I drink a V8, and I take vitamins. And, yeah, I'm going to die. Yeah. Except for my lungs from smoking. That's the one thing people don't usually point to. I mean, I did a bit about it. That's the one thing on intervention that they never point out. That kills the most people.

High above all your drug addictions and alcohol combined. Cig that kills the most people. High above all your drug addictions and alcohol combined, cigarettes kill the most people. But that would be a very boring. They're smoking during the intervention. Yeah, you would never have the cigarette intervention because it's boring to watch. There's no one slipping and falling because they had too many cigarettes in a night.

But that's the one that'll kill me. And that's the one I'm doing the way too much. I start smoking like two hours after I wake up. It used to be sometimes. It used to be later. Yeah, I know. Because I was doing shit. I'd go out.

I'd drive to Sierra Vista. Even on the road. I'd hoard. I'd go out and hoard. And I'd go to big lots and buy a bunch of shit. But yeah, that's. Even on the road, you wouldn't smoke right away. You'd yell at someone, either Bingo or I, or someone who came to the room.

And then you'd go to breakfast and yell at someone. Then we'd get in the car and we we go for however many hours. Until I get a coffee. Yeah, until you got – and you stopped drinking coffee years ago, which is really odd. There's no – I got to pee too. I know, but I have to pee now. I'm peeing now. I'm committed.

What's your final thought, dude? There's no final thought dude there's no final thought that dot loves to watch him pee yeah I think he's attracted to the blood he's an addiction the smell maybe he's smelling the cancer

oh is it cancer doc we could he's worth something cancer oh is it cancer dog we could he's worth something just took the top off are you you're like a dog like you could pee and then stop

to get to the next tree I smell things I pee on them I save some in case I smell someone else's scent alright hey thank you everyone

out there for listening to the podcast thank you Patreon supporters thank you everyone who out there for listening to the podcast. Thank you, Patreon supporters. Thank you, everyone who has tried to get through Vimeo of my special. I still don't know. Hennigan doesn't know how we're going to get the video version on Amazon and iTunes. I don't know.

Is Amazon busy with other things? Amazon's really busy. Really? They're delivering the world right now. It's the joke. Oh, sorry. Thank you, Jim. Yeah, I don't know.

It's on audio on iTunes and Amazon. If you're a worker that listens in headphones, thank you, Essential Workers. Thank you, UPS. Thank you, UPS. Thank you, Amazon. And we'll talk to you next week. I gotta go play some poker. Bigot,

take us out of this. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.