The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#403: A PeeWee Play House Beirut Edition

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

We are at 5 months into the pandemic and Doug decided to renovate the FunHouse and start a weekly eBay auction.Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/itm/203061202457?ul_noapp=true Doug's latest comedy special, "Dying of a Last Breed", is now available on Amazon Prime - https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B08CY4XDMC/ref=atv_dp_cnc_1_5Recorded July 22nd, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Doug's viewing suggestions -Mucho Mucho Amor: The Legend of Walter Mercado – Netflix - https://www.netflix.com/title/81200204 I'll Be Gone In The Dark – HBO - https://www.netflix.com/title/81200204Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast and thanks for staying with us into month number five of uh the Bisbee Funhouse lockdown Locked down, lock up. Locked in, locked out. You are locked out of us. It's not so much of a lockdown for us, but not you, the listener. We let you in every week. If you're a pedestrian passing by, buck off. Get off of my dirt. Get off of my street.

I told you I forgot this because I think we were drunk. I said they used to have quarantine or smallpox or cholera flags that they used to fly above the ship. I just want to put one on a big whip flag, a 20-foot piece of PVC or something, and have the cholera flag flying above the compound. Yeah, for all the old pirates in the community. I know what that means.

Stay away. I got a great vintage quarantine sign from eBay, but it's only like bigger than postcard size. But when I stripped all the fucking stupid magnets and shit off, I just left the quarantine up there on the fridge. I got a bunch on eBay, but the vintage ones now, goddamn capitalists. There was one, it was dogs quarantined after night.

And I don't know what, for what reason, but it was an old, but it was actual vintage, like 255 bucks. What? You didn't buy it, did you? No, no. And it was small too, but it was actual vintage, like $255. What? You didn't buy it, did you? No, no. And it was small, too. But it was tin. I could have put it on the fence. You got some old vintage signs that are not stupid or fake vintage. You want to get rid of them.

I have a big list of thank yous later. And we have a sponsor. Not a real one, but our friend Q from the Impractical Jokers sent us six glasses of, I don't know what you call those glasses. Chaley probably does. They have the inverted lip. You got a rounded edge at the top. Yeah, but it looks like a beer can.

Yeah. Yeah, in fact, it's shaped exactly like a beer can where it inverts a little bit. And I hate them because you can't get your fucking hand in there to wash them out. That's why you don't like them. I like them because when I was drinking a lot of whiskey Cokes, I would have to go to the bar less often. I would have her make a double in the big glass. Yeah, but still, you'd use a pint glass or something

that you can put your fucking hand in to wash them. I just hate washing the things. Well, I'm not washing them. I'm drinking out of them. Yeah, I know. It's one of my few jobs that I do, is I wash the glasses. And we have plenty,

so I'm going to give five of those six to the thrift store. But R&H beer, R&H Staten Island beer, glasses and we have plenty so i'm going to give five of those six to the thrift store uh but rnh beer rnh staten island beer support uh q with his new venture i don't know what our new venture is going to be i'm thinking about starting a a booth at the farmer's market to make up for this lack of stand-up comedy. Like Lucy, the doctor's in, you're going to tell a joke for a nickel? No, no, it'll still be $40 tickets plus whatever service charges. It's just one joke. It's just

yours. We have a bunch of those camp chairs set out and like, there's not a tent. It's just, we just have like a rope. Go away, son. You bother me. Have you been to the farmer's market on Saturday? Yeah, yeah.

Like recently? Yeah, the last two weeks. Oh, wow. I mean, there's no one there. I mean, there's never like a dangerous crowd, but everyone's masked and standing six feet apart outdoors and I only go to get

I go to one stand to get my my I was going to say perishables not perishables but those are perishables no the odd produce I almost said combustibles but yeah I've gone No, the odd produce. Produce. Produce. I almost said combustibles.

But yeah, I've gone. And I went to the Sierra Vista one once, and it was completely empty because it had just got done a downpour in the monsoons. So I got up like half an hour after that, and I only go to one stand there, the dried fruit. That guy has quite an array. I know know and i get that perfect tray for it how's your covid people uh uh i don't know how many people are still as uh shut off from the world as we are. I'm still enjoying it. Have you watched my new special?

There's a question. Now that it's on Amazon Prime, and I said I'm waiting until it gets on Amazon Prime before I bother doing any podcast to promote it. The video part. Yeah, the video. The audio is still up there, but that was up early on iTunes.

But yeah, now the actual filmed special is up. So please don't hesitate to Facebook and tweet that out if you have that kind of social circle where that won't get you kind of losing followers. I wonder how often that happens. I wonder how often that happens I try not to use cuss words when I tweet which I think I've only done twice

I'm really bad at pushing it but you don't put fuck in there because you want people to retweet it and they probably have people they can't retweet fuck to keeping my special under your fucking mattress like a fucking porno magazine

yeah so please please do retweet that so by the time it gets on Amazon Prime like we have an upcoming date we have a tentative late August date for the audio book coming out and I'm like you got a date from them already?

they told us while we were recording it and then I had Brian see if that was accurate and they're standing by August 20th but yeah who knows but roughly the point is it being less than a month out I'm not going to like

jack up someone to promote on their podcast or radio or whatever if I don't... I want to do them both at once. Yeah, yeah. And the special has

legs. It's not timely. Like most things, I try to focus on material that will still be relevant in 10 or 20 years or more. So yeah, I can wait. People are still going to be sitting inside. I can promote the audiobook and the special at the same time. So that's that, oh, I wanted to shout out right off the top to Mark Smith, Mark Smith sent me a picture of him, he's in a, he was in a hospital saying, it was a very graphic email, he's in the UK and he said I'm in a hospital I'm septic and bleeding shit from my belly button

and it just went on but he was he was wearing a Doug Stano podcast t-shirt or a Killer Termites t-shirt one or the other and I'm like always be branding sir good luck to you. And then he just.

Leading from the belly. Yeah, but he didn't go in. He didn't give me why. But then he just sent me another email yesterday. I'm back in the hospital. I forget to mention it's Crohn's disease. I was slated for July 29th operation. But I got an infection.

And so I had to come in early. And now COVID people are walking into my room and I don't get enough morphine. And sorry, I couldn't wear your T-shirt this time. He sent me a picture of the time I met him after a show in the UK. So, yeah, he was in there well early and miserable again. So thanks for listening to the podcast. Not like you have a lot of other shit to do in there. So this one's for you.

This unprepared, forced in before issues with Andy podcast is just for you, Mark Smith. Oh, how nice. Pooping from your belly button. I'm trying to think of how that even works. I mean how nice. Pooping from your belly button. I can't, I'm trying to think of how that even works. I mean, last time anything went through your belly button is when you came out of the womb. That's a weird way to shit on a girl's chest.

If you came and it was an involuntary response to you ejaculating missionary style and you shit out of your belly button on her chest. The accidental Crohn's Cleveland steamer. So, yeah, the special. Thank you again.

Yeah, we're unemployed, too. And at some point we will put it out yeah for free in the meantime what do you know we've been we said this in the first email blast with vimeo of hey don't steal it eventually we'll put it out for free if you're broke so this is something you talked to hennigan about yeah discussed it yeah and then that's when we and it looked like, oh, this is a fucking brilliant thing. Pornhub.

I thought, oh, that'd be funny to put it out on Pornhub. And I tweeted something. Yeah. Like when we do a free version. Yeah. You go to Pornhub to get it.

Like I said, it's the fucking dirty magazine. Yeah. You erase that history it's not a stretch to think that that would be a relationship and Pornhub was doing at the beginning of coronavirus

they were doing putting out like free premium content and stuff and it was a would have been a nice co-mingling of of you know doing something for the broke people and then people Pornhub of doing something for the broke people. And then Pornhub actually said, hey, we're in.

And they got in contact with Hennigan. And then I get a couple emails, which I wasn't aware of. Of course, this is not a story that is going to precede Black Lives Matter, fucking cops killing people riots fucking secret police snatching people off the streets and covid but evidently pornhub got into some fucking issues where people were posting like video rape videos and girls who didn't know they got filmed and shit like that and and weren't like spending months before they get taken down if at all and i guess pornhub was like hey we got so many videos

we how do we know how can we keep track of them all say what don't you keep track of what everyone watches i mean your computers would keep you track of everything. Just the fact that I'm aware that those kind of videos were on Pornhub, I can't fucking in good faith put my special up there, knowing that you guys, like, unless there's some

kind of, you know, like, where they make up. Mea culpa. Some kind of a, like a, we're a, we've, we've, we've figured out the algorithm.

We've, we've ditched all that content. We've blocked the suppliers. And, and before you send me emails saying, oh, well then do you porn or red, red tube?

They're all the same. Do you see the links for all of those? There is no Coke and Pepsi everyone. Exactly. There is Coke or Pepsi, but they're both the same. Yeah. And, like, what's that, Anton LaVey? Is that the Satanist?

The Satanist guy. Yes, yeah. They have a site, and when I said Pornhub before any of this came up, they're like, do it through our site. And I'm like, I'm not against the Satanist site. I mean, it's funny, but that's me doing something for you. Pornhub. More people watch Pornhub than comedy.

Satanists, no. They don't... Yeah, that would be... It's a funny idea, but it's not actually... It's not good business acumen. We'll call you back. We're gonna field this. Some other calls.

Yeah. I'd love to hear your feedback on the Pornhub thing, because as much as I say, yeah, I can't do that. Like this fucking girl got raped and you left her video up after she contacted you several times.

Yeah. But that hasn't stopped me from jerking off to porn. You're still. Well, the things that I'm into with them them but you'll get into bed with them most of the things I jerk off to the guy's already tied up so I know you're safe

you can leave if you want by virtue that he can't move yeah that guy's getting raped yeah yeah girls crying is not any anything. Uh, so we'll, we'll figure that out. We'll, but that's way down the road after I have enough money to start my farmer's market

stand. I need, I need an an umbrella a patio umbrella i'm gonna need a lot of things to move from comedy into saturday market we used to have the tent when tracy was selling dog biscuits at the market i can't believe we did that um oh you did that yeah oh god dude i remember you making them i didn't think you ever started a stand, though. We were down there and every fucking, I'd always be hung over. I'd set up the tent. We'd be down there under the tree. Joby was next to us for a while.

Oh, okay. That was at the same time. I was going to say, Joby. I can't believe I got up that early to fucking go hump that stuff over to the, like, you know, a couple blocks. But then I wouldn't go home. over to the like you know a couple blocks but then i would i wouldn't go home i'd sit there in a fucking camp chair nodding off falling asleep and then tom would come around and then he'd start talking and you know it was a very uh social thing yeah but i was thinking that the other day of how long like for a couple five months right we did it yeah see i that one thing, like, I'll go to Farmer's Market,

and, of course, it's Saturday morning, where you don't really, no one's in the mood to socialize at that hour except for the people that you don't want to talk to. So it's one thing to go down there, and then you beeline, and your periphery is all keen and aware of who oh i see that guy coming from a distance let me backtrack over to the uh yeah the the puppy mill or or the the guy with knife sharpening i'll be right back turquoise belt buckles i'm in the market. And this happened, I remember Betty had a kiosk at the convention center, I say with the caveat of it's basically an indoor five-stall strip mall. But she had a kiosk, and that's what would happen to you if you had a stand.

Oh, now you're a sitting duck that cannot move from all those conversations you don't want to have oh you don't even have a dog why have you been talking to me at a dog treat booth for 45 minutes i mean tracy's dog treats were very well received it's just there's not much markup there's a lot of work in stamping out them little biscuits but Fluffy likes them because they're smaller than the other biscuits and because Tracy had different sizes

and stuff and she would always give out treats to the dogs and it was a lot of fun but man 6am but did you have a lot of those people that just want to linger and chat and they're not even buying your stuff? Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah. There's someone behind you. Oh. We always had pizza next to us. So there was always something like, oh. They'd come for the biscuits, but then they'd roll over to the pizza because it was delicious and it was made fresh right there. That was when Jonathan was still here, too.

Ah, I miss Jonathan. Yeah, I wish there was something that I could sell at that market to make it worthwhile. Oh, that's what I wanted to bring up. We've talked about doing this before, but now we're home all the time is instead of doing ebay yard sale which we had to bring kelly in on because of the shipping and she already had a storefront where i want to do not to mention it was it was a it was a year's worth of stuff which then took a month well and more yeah And then like in this last one, I had like five suits.

And we had a lot of other things that were coming in. And we all have to do photo shoots for the suit. And then all of that has to be cataloged and itemized on each thing. And it takes a lot of work to do that. And you had a really good idea. And I found our first thing. But go ahead. No, I took that away as soon as you left.

I went, no, we're not going to start with some trinket i thought that thing was perfect no we're gonna start we're gonna start somewhat big we're gonna start with something the other thing that you i we have to talk about that there might be bad blood in doing that we but but yeah maybe something like a suit or a something from the bar a piece of memorabilia. But one per podcast. Every podcast, except for this one. But hopefully on the next podcast, we will have, yeah, that one. We'll talk about that.

Because we could leverage that for more. That'd be a good one. Yeah, yeah, but I have other ideas. Anyway, the point is, we're going to sell something fucking cool or maybe two or three things. I don't know. But each podcast. It'll be a seven-day auction so that every week it'll be a new item

and it'll go up the day that this goes out. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I think that's it. Oh, no. Maybe we should... I'm trying to think of how we can get Patreon we give Patreon 24 hours where they can actually buy it outright

we can do something like that there's a buy now button on eBay I just sold something on eBay for the first time that's the fun you don't want to buy now. You want to... Our Patreon people are supporting this podcast. Well, we could do a separate one for Patreon people with a buy now.

This sounds like... Are you taking notes here? This sounds like a production meeting. It is. At least we have something to talk about here. You said you have notes. Yeah, no. I have notes.

I'm giving her a notepad to write that down because I forget. Yeah, that's a good thing. Buy it now for Patreon, people. Or, you know, scramble in the mud and the blood and guts against your competitors for the free shit. And we still have a $1 Patreon, by the way. Yeah. Someone was asking about uh the feeds and stuff like that it's like at the one dollar level you get the extra podcast

in audio form only and then if you do a video that goes to five dollar tier and up for that so someone was asking and and the audio is is ad free as well so i put those up as well the weekly ones i'll put those up ad free on patreon as well so all right let's take a quick break so i'm down on the beach and it's like oh this isn't going the way i wanted to do it all uh and then you know that first hallucinogenic punch in the belly where you're like, so I started throwing up like, you know, and I see why I got in trouble in Vegas. When I throw up on hallucinogenics, it is quite a production. Hey, everybody, it's me, Brett Erickson from the Issues with Andy podcast.

Hey, everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson, from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us, Issues with Andy, on YouTube. Yeah, it's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka.

If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope Podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday. And yeah, you keep listening and watching or however you do it, and we'll keep shitting. Hey, and we're back i had another idea fucking it's actually the same idea was you know fuck waiting for a a sponsor sell our own shit which is what reminded me oh fuck we we never did the e, one eBay a week thing. But yeah, we could come up with our own fucking sponsors like Joe Rogan.

We could be... I'm already a small time fucking low rent Joe Rogan. Like he owns the products on it. That's like, that's... Or he's invested in it. I don't know how it works. Oh, you want to make a protein powder? No, no.

We'll mix it up here. No. Oh, wow. Wow. If that alcohol powder ever comes to powdered alcohol remember that yeah i don't know if it ever came to be but yeah we would be it's just like it's a cash grab you do it long enough and then all of a sudden there's no answer at this phone number why don't we just sell covid cures i know jim baker got arrested i was thinking about

that the other day jim baker like up until like the covid thing is going on for the past five years he's been selling like food in a bucket they're like you know like this last 15 years he's selling all these things my god that guy must be fucking rolling it now i mean no his lawyers are rolling in it right now. I mean, he's saying the end of the world and all this stuff happens. This just plays right into it. Yeah. It'd be funny to have an in-house lawyer on the podcast. No, no.

But there's going to be. That would be hilarious. There's going to be a way to insinuate a COVID cure without ever actually saying it. Or just doing one of those rattling disclaimers. Hey, if you buy this vial right now, it definitely cures COVID 100% of the time. 100% has not been documented by any. That was the one guy who had the water. He went to jail for a while.

The miracle water? They send you the free miracle water and then ask you for donations because anything you send them you'll get back tenfold it was like he went but he went to jail what was his name wasn't wasn't benny hint he's still back he's back on tv bingo put a certain substance that is legal for us to own but illegal to ship or sell on eBay.

Plutonium? No, we try to sell it once on eBay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, that's against all sorts of laws. And I go, well, what if we just insinuated, well, there's some kind of dirt I found in my house in it. Some kind of ashes, I think.

I don't know if that's bone. I think that's quartz. She made us a couple of vials. She goes, do you want that? She's saying this as I'm dehorting all our shelves. Right now, we are revamping the funhouse, and we tore all the signs off the walls. We're getting new electric put in so the TVs

aren't as fucked or whatever. And then we're getting it repainted. So today I said I just pulled down all the fucking gimmicks and shot glasses and trinkets that have just big, they're dust follicles. Once you put that much

shit on your shelves, you can't. You have to take it all out like this to get all the fucking dirt and dust out of you. It looks like we're at one of those sound stages in the UK where they do the ball suit. Andy Serkis with Planet of the Apes.

It looks like chroma key. It's all green in here. It looks like you could do a... It's all green in here so it looks like you could do a it's all green but it's it's also looks like uh it looks like peewee's playhouse if it were in beirut like all those that's not yeah all the holes in the wall those are bullet holes when i was pulling down most of the signs like you take well i learned how to use a drill it was crazy i haven't done that since probably woodworking class in eighth grade. Wow. So, yeah, unscrewing the screws with a drill.

That's a screw gun. How is that different from a drill? We're still doing it, Doug. We're still doing it. It goes. I can't expect you to remember everything today. The point being, when you get to that last screw at the top, you have to hold it up with one hand not in here

all of these signs were plastered to the wall with nicotine you didn't even need you take all the screws out they'd all still be up and a lot of them they're peeling chunks of not just the paint but the plasterboard underneath paper they were so stuck with nicotine but that's gonna end because they're gonna be repainted and then we're gonna reapply the nicotine i like it like this i know i fucking well that's because i cleaned the main house so and bare bones did and it felt like almost like when you move into a blank apartment and you go, I could do anything with this. And the feeling was so good. The amount of signs alone on the wall, much less the bric-a-brac, was just overwhelming to think of taking out of here.

But once I get the main house fucking cleared out, I'm like, I can't wait to strip something else bare. Well, I tell you right now, I'm thinking of it. I mean, people have an idea. Most people know the Funhouse where we record and all that stuff. And it's a bar, five-screen sports bar. But all the liquor behind you, it doesn't really show it off. And we were talking about putting a big, long bar, a big, long shelf. Right there would be perfect, dude, from the telephone over.

Like that blank wall right there with all the liquor. Yeah. Oh, it looks so good. All top shelf, bottom shelf. That's why I'm saying only one shelf. So our top shelf shit is. Your money's no good here. Yeah, yeah. is your money's no good here. It's also nice.

Oh, book. You know what happened for the first time for a guy who like I've, if I said it a thousand times, I said it a thousand and five when we're looking for vodka. And I always, we're never out of we're looking for vodka and I always, we're never out of vodka in this house. There's always vodka.

If nothing else, I usually have five sleeves of the mini bottles, which is 10 per is still 50 shots on my travel shelf or a weird bottle. That's in back that we got from somewhere. Yeah. We ran out of vodka the other night. It was fucking crazy. Cause what happened?

I've been drinking inside the main house a lot lately. You built your little bar, though. I saw that. Yeah, I built a little thing in there. And I got a new dining room table. What do you call it? A madman bar. Like what you'd have in the office.

Oh, hey, Bert, want a drink? It's this display shelf from this company that went out of business here, and they're selling their shit out of their garage on Craigslist. And I saw this five-shelved but weirdly contoured shape, so one shelf is off to this side. It's like an S shape if there was two two more i expected it would it would look that piece of furniture would look right at home in a clockwork orange i said

that i said this must have appeared in the background of a lot of porn because to me it looks like late 70s early 80s but yeah it's chrome and glass and it's beautiful yeah and i i put it i i bought real good you know pretty bottles of one gin one vodka uh silver or just oh just decent bottles yeah higher end thank you i was gonna say top shelf but to shelf. Tip-top-iest shelf? Safeway top shelf? Yeah. A bullet bourbon instead of my Canadian Club plastic jug. And they're, yeah. Well, it's good. And my telemarketing trophy. Is that what that was?

Yeah, it's a phone on it. What else do you think it is? Crank Yankers Award? It's weird that they could find that at a trophy shop, come to think of it. But I guess telemarketing was big in Vegas in the late 80s. You'd get anything at a trophy shop. Are you kidding me? Oh.

Speaking of getting anything, you know we get those two pocket pussies? Someone sent them. Yeah. We didn't order them together in some kind of weird ritual. Yeah, it's like a Sasha Gray and one other. They're branded. They're packaged.

They're not like loose. It's part of their line. It's not something that you find in the free basket at the thrift store. Well, not after day one. It's not a fleshlight either. It's as big as your hand. Silicone's expensive too, so just by the sheer weight, these things aren't cheap, probably.

I can understand a real doll, but a pocket pussy is still your jerking off. You're just jerking off in something. You understand the expense of a real doll, but not someone who just needs something other than his calloused, long shorman fingers wrapped around his own cock. Okay, if a real doll had a C-section and you had to reach in and jerk yourself off inside the woman.

Through the C-section? Yeah. Then you'd go, this is the same as jerking off, which is what a pocket pussy is. You're still jerking yourself off. I can understand the experience of a real doll. Hey, look, Ma, no hands. You're still jerking yourself off with a real doll, too. Well, you're jerking yourself off with a woman

or a cat or a VCR, whatever. So save the money. The point is, like I love to do with any porn or sex toy that comes our way. I love dropping it off at the thrift store after hours where they don't know who donated it. And I was going to do that, and I went, oh, no.

I'm going to drop one of these off each at Derek and our friend who has to remain nameless because he has a job. I'm just going to chuck them in their mailbox. Hey, quarantine just got a little bit more accompanied. Who has to remain nameless because he has a job? I'm just going to chuck them in their mailbox. Hey, quarantine just got a little bit more accompanied. That's why some people work at thrift stores. I used to work for a guy who at the swap meet. What is it?

Rose Bowl. Pasadena Rose Bowl swapped me. It was once a month. And it was a guy named Dewey. And there was another guy that worked also, but he was an old guy, like in his late 60s. And he was still like hustling to sell like depression glass and stuff.

And he worked part-time next to me, hungover, and just like there to move rugs and that guy he said he volunteered at the local thrift store on the on tuesdays because that's the day that a lot of the stuff came in from the other stores like they would move stuff from one store to the other and he would he would have someone online that he would say come in in an hour and I've got something. He would pull stuff off that got just

donated. It's not just you going and going, oh, I wonder what's on the shelf today. This guy is there combing through everything, hating probably every minute of it, knowing that he's going to find some kind of diamond in a rough. Then he would call in a friend to come, hey, come here. I'm going to hold this. Then you're going to find some kind of diamond in a rough. And then he would have, he would call in a friend to come, Hey,

come here. I'm going to hold this. Then you're going to buy it. Uh, Oh, I was gonna, I was gonna say, uh,

you, the listener, like what kind of shit? Obviously we have suits jackets, but that's great. If you're just either a weird collector or you could actually wear it. And we're both about the same size. I'm a 40 regular. You're a 42 regular, roughly.

What's the 40 and a 42? Where is it? The chest? I don't know. I just know what to buy off eBay. Oh, all right. I never. I just know what to buy off eBay.

Oh, all right. I never... If I knew I'd alter them myself... I don't know what... The bar shit I know works. We got some good bar shit that I just de-hoarded a bunch of. Like stuff to make drinks? Like shakers and stuff? What do you mean bar shit?

I know the old bars, the travel bars we had would sell well but just stuff I pulled out of the bar like fucking shot glasses and... I wasn't here when you were de-boarding this so we got buckets of stuff. Yeah, we have a bunch of signs we can't use. Some of the

signs that were very inappropriate. We go, yeah, it's only for us and we could write it. I don't know what to do with those now. If you've been here, you understand which ones we had to get rid of. The ones I love selling the most because fucking fuck SAG-AFTRA so much. Fuck you so hard. SAG-AFTRA is, is it a union?

Yeah, it's the union that you have to belong to in order to do television work. But you can't be on set in some role for like more than two or three times without joining, right? Yeah, and then you have to pay your dues. And then you're paying dues in perpetuity? You never, like, do you still pay dues? If I do TV work, then they send me a fucking bill. A bill? Yeah, you owe this much money because you did TV work.

But then they send you, and every comic actor of any, you get these fucking 18-cent checks. I was just, Nate Craig, I was talking to about this on Twitter the other, oh, that, oh, my God. It's not like an embarrassment, but every time I've been getting a high, I've been eating edibles a lot. Twitter is,

I, Oh, I got to, I got to say this on Twitter because I'm actually laughing. I don't laugh much. I don't seem to have any sense of humor for many, many years and I'm laughing. And then I'm like,

Oh, I want to keep and i know what people think i am based on just seeing my stand-up and it's angry and aggressive so when i'm writing ridiculous shit like in a brendan walsh mindset where i'm just being silly yeah and i go i i guess if they read it like if they just watch my special and read it in that same tone, and then so many fucking people don't get the joke, even when it's obvious. And you go, other people that are silly

would never try to explain this. They'd be laughing. And then I immediately want to get angry. Like, don't you get I'm being stupid? I'm laughing when I'm saying this, you fucking assholes. Don't you get I'm being stupid? I'm laughing when I'm saying this, you fucking assholes.

So it's a perceived, you know, I don't know. But you've built the idea of Doug Stanhope over decades. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you start getting goofy and silly. Yeah, I'm happy. Oh, they don't understand. They don't recognize that. What are you doing? Someone taking over his account.

But I woke up, I went to bed drinking. I'm doing whiskey Cokes. Cause I know you have a, you have another podcast in 15 minutes. Let me get back to the SAG after scam. Cause that's where it came. Like I've, you know,

Nate Craig, I woke up at 2 a.m. and I went, I didn't take any downers trying to stay off of him. So I watched him. Oh, this Mucho Mucho something. It was this psychic.

It's a new, it's about some series. Yeah. Puerto Rican psychic. That was huge. Like in the seventies, eighties. And then he got fucked over by his manager really hard.

And anyway, I, but like 20 minutes in, I go, all right, I'm up for the night. Why not? I have nothing to do.

Why not just be up for the night? And then I got done that. Now it's about 4 a.m. And I go, hey, why not have a vodka orange? And an edible, which turns out to be two edibles that a friend of ours made

for us that are chocolate that had melted into each other. And then I was off to the races till fucking noon. Try to take a nap watching something else lily hammer that's i guess it's like from 2012 it's where little steven yeah from the sopranos steven van zandt yeah moves to norway okay. Yeah. Witness relocation, right? It could be better. But the fact that of all the people you could take from any mob movie TV show,

you picked him. He's like such a cartoon, ridiculous. Okay. You can imagine him being one of the Soprano things. In context with the other characters. Yeah, with the fucking wig, dyed hair, and cartoon face. It's like if you took Jim Carrey as Dumb and Dumber, but didn't change the chip tooth or any part of the fucking bowl cut,

and then put him in a completely different thing as a different person. You can't do that. Like just anybody else. So... Is that a ringtone? A tricket. I think I said a tricket. It's a tricket. It's a tricket trying to trick you into thinking it's a frog.

Why don't you drop that like ass tricks, Ronnie the limo driver. I just said trick it. That show you were talking about is Mucho Mucho Amor, the legend of Walter Mercado. Yeah. Okay. It's a good documentary, but now I'm up.

So now I'm eating edibles. I'm on Twitter. Someone said something, a usual Twitter barb of, I don't know, I probably said something about a fucking mask or something benign. Or I retweeted. That's the one. Sometimes I retweet shit just because it's interesting. Oh, fuck.

What was it? I retweeted. Oh, fuck. What was it? I retweeted... Oh! The one thing was, Harry Chapin had died. That was the same night. Not Harry Chapin. Cat Stevens. They're all the same.

Wait, Cat Stevens? Jim Croce, Harry Chapin. Cat Stevens died? Yeah. What? Go ahead. I believe you. All right. Whatever I tweeted, someone said, yeah, well, you're fucking, you've gone soft and you fell in a line and you're not the same guy. You used to be edgy and now you're a piece of shit and you're soft. And I immediately thought of Joe Walsh's song.

Everybody's so different. I haven't changed. Boom, boom, boom. Cat Stevens is not dead. Yeah, Cat Stevens is dead. No, he's not. Wikipedia has him as alive. He's 72.

Yusuf Islam? Well, I didn't look that up, but I did look up Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens? Yeah, Cat Stevens is dead. It's definitely Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens does not have coronavirus. We haven't heard any unfortunate news about Cat Stevens having coronavirus. All right.

Oh, so it's been, that was a, I don't know. We hit news search. I just hit news search. And does it say that that was bogus in the middle of the night? No, he turned 72. Oh, that's what it was. Oh, wait, that's right. It wasn't he died.

Sorry, I thought he died. Wrong verb. I told you I was high as fuck and having cocktails. Still high? No, that's what it was because that was the point is I said,

hold on, he just died. No, no, that was the point. The point was I thought he died when he was trending, clicked on it, when he was trending clicked on it and he was trending because it was his birthday and i wrote something to the effect of the fact that cat stevens is trending during all the bullshit in the world means it's a good time to start drinking at 4 15 and take ed. Meaning that if people are more focused on a 72-year-old singer-songwriter

that most people are too young to even remember over the coronavirus and the fucking riots and everything that's going wrong in the world, it's a good day. It was a positive thing without enough information for most idiots. And this makes everyone think that someone's taking over your Twitter account. Because you're too positive.

Well, I left it vague enough, but a little too vague. Anyway, this guy says I'm fucking washed up. Then I think of that song, Everybody's So Different, I Haven't Changed. My points of view. You're pandering to the woke crowd, which there was nothing in that that had anything to do with it. Yeah, that probably wasn't Cat Stevens related. Oh, wait, sorry.

That was the, which is worse. That was the poll that you did. Which is worse, the national anthem or the MLB? Yeah, what's worse? The national anthem as a song or baseball as a sport? Anyway, this guy says that I used to be fucking

cutting edge and now I'm fucking some pussy. What does that have to... What? Because I used to love the national anthem and baseball which I have shit on it. Taking on the national anthem is not for the faint of heart. I remember someone

wrote that in response going, yeah, Doug Stano used to be pro-patriotism. Anyway, so all I got in my head was that song and then this is when I'm starting to get really high. The Joe Walsh song. Yes. Life's been good.

And then I had to play it because it's playing in my head but my head was singing off key so i played his version and then i was up i was dancing at the dog and singing really fucking loud uh and i'm like oh i'm high as shit, and this is going to go on for a while. And that song is so fucking good. There's a lot going on in that song. Yeah. And I can't. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's like rubbery bass.

And then I found a live version where he didn't even play it. It's a seven-minute thing where he just talks about, like goes through director's commentary live of each lyric uh I trash hotel rooms alright well what happened is

I became friends with Keith Moon yeah or Keith Moon decided I was gonna be his friend I go that's what I always said about Johnny Depp decided we were going to be friends and I'm not going to say no. That's kind of one way. And that went

down this fucking beautiful path of till noon. And I go, oh wait. Yeah, it's still going to hurt. And I can't go to bed. I try to go to bed at like 1.30 in the afternoon, and that's when I just started watching Lilyhammer again.

It's half a Norwegian with subtitles. Is that when I ran into you? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you. I couldn't sleep. That was the first time I've seen Lilyhammer

since I tried to watch it past episode three. Yeah. And you reminded past episode three. Yeah. And you reminded me of why. Yeah. And then they're going to have a baby. But you learn how to fast forward through it. They got into the second season pitfalls by episode three of the first season. Because season two, they're usually a little more character development.

They bring in some other lightweight characters, do all this bullshit. The killing has stopped kind of thing. All the fun stuff is gone, and they get into more story development. Freddy the Fixer, he's got to knock out the mob, and they put him on a... Only because he was infatuated by the Lilyhammer Olympics in 94.

That's why he decided, I want to go to Lilyhammer. Lilyhammer Olympics in 94. That's why he decided, I want to go to Lilyhammer. Lilyhammer. And then he listens to a book on tape, Rosetta Stone on the plane, and then all of a sudden he can speak perfect Norwegian. Oh my God. Those dialects are the fucking worst to try and learn quickly.

There's no way. I mean, those languages are tough languages. Yeah, and if he was a character that, like, I could watch Steve Buscemi in anything. I can't watch fucking Little Stevie in anything. He's a fucking cartoon, a molten lava wax figure of a fucking caricature of a mobster, and nah.

But I could still watch it when I'm just trying to dumb myself down. Sure. But not with an eye mask when half of it's in Norwegian. Oh yeah. So I'm trying to sleep all this off and I just hear, what are you talking about? Ah, fuck.

I can't do this. They have for blind people, they have basically oral subtitles. So that way you can listen to them. Where were we, that was going on. It was someone, someone like,

you know when they're doing a press conference and there's someone doing ASL in the corner as the governor speaks, right? There's someone who's watching the show you're watching and explaining to you everything that's happening he walks towards the refrigerator he grabs a beer like they're narrating it to you opens beer drinks half sets it down hey any more beers now he turns to the telephone he thinks decides better walks away that's fucking awesome what it's called something though there's a name Now he turns to the telephone. He thinks. Decides better. Walks away.

That's fucking awesome. It's called something, though. There's a name for it. Because we were somewhere where that was an option on either the cable channel. We have a channel downstairs that does it. Oh, really? I don't want to watch it. They should have deaf-only shows.

What? They should have deaf-only shows where you can only watch it with sign language and like what's going on like with stars in it like there's no dialogue yeah it's because it's for the deaf but it's fucking de niro and it's east who did it's like how like how shipwreck victims would learn the the local language on the island because they couldn't talk to anyone else so So they would eventually, eventually you would pick up some ASL. Is that what you want to do?

No, I want to, I see my clock ticking and I want to get back to the fact that all, every time you see me on an eBay yard sale where I sell all these fucking, I think the, as low as like six cents.

Did you finish SAG-AFTRA? That's what I'm going back to. So I get these... I'll do Tosh.0 and then five years later it runs because of some SAG-AFTRA contract that says, no, he still needs

to get paid six cents. It's a fucking class action suit is basically what it is. The union's making shit loads of money just doing fucking fuck all. I call them every time I get a fucking, you owe whatever, 126 bucks for your dues this fucking quarter, I don't know. And I'll call them angry in the morning

and say, what do you do for me? The electric company says, we do your electric. Gas company, we give you gas. What do you do for this money? You're asking me for a bill, but what do you do for me? Never get an answer. And then I get fucking eight cent checks. Fortunately, I have this fan base of fucking psychopaths. I sell them on eBay. So I have a slew of those I'll put out there. Point is, nobody cashes. No one's going to the fucking bank to cash a fucking 43 cent check. Not worth it. You put it on your refrigerator for that one time that you actually got an acting job.

See, honey, I used to be someone. How many fucking millions? This is the reverse of the office space. The movie Office Space. Their whole scheme was to. reverse of the office space, the movie Office Space, their whole scheme was to, well, they don't count the fractions of the cents and now we can make billions

and billions. Where all those half a pennies go? Yeah, so I guess there's some big SAG after a vote coming up and Patton tweeted about it. Oh, fucking, you gotta watch. I hate to say it's Patton's. It's about his wife, Michelle Murphy. God about it. Oh, fucking, you gotta watch. I hate to say it's Patton's. It's about his wife, Michelle Murphy.

God damn it. Meredith Murphy. I don't know. It's called I'll Be Gone in the Dark on HBO. Steal it. Fuck HBO. All they do is put one good show on every time you're ready to cancel it

and you keep it for one show that you could. If they were selling that show alone, what do I want to watch? Fucking. Oh, I'm trying to remember a billion things. They have like 11 HBO channels and all they are is one shows. The same thing is the next, but an hour later. It's just. Or in Spanish.

Yeah. If you have a DVR, you don't care. Just one is good. Yeah. And it's only one show and it's only on Sunday. Why is it every day? If you want, they should sell HBO Sunday because every show I've ever watched repeatedly. Ray Donovan, whatever. Billions.

Perry Mason. Yeah. HBO Sunday because the rest of the week is fucking nothing. You suck. Anyway, so yeah, how much is SAG-AFTRA fucking gleaning off of 18 cent checks?

Fortunately, I have a fan base that'll buy an autographed one for 100100. Or that's where the movie's going to be. Which you have to sign. Yeah, you sign the back. And that way, in case you're really desperate for cigarettes, oh, $1.18?

I'm eighth of the way there. Just like after you talk about something with Patton. Yeah, I was saying, watch that series. It's a six-episode series. I'm at the end of episode four. It's fucking brilliant. And I've watched it drunk where I go, I'm going to fucking DM Patton and tell him how much this means to me. And then I went, no, I'm not.

Why wouldn't you reach out to him? Because I'm drunk. Every time I'm drunk, You know, every time I'm drunk, I go, I should not, or it's at an hour where someone would think I was drunk. And those are the only hours I feel emotions. Yeah.

Yeah. So now I, I, did you say those are the hours that I feel emotions? Yeah. Oh, good. That's true.

You know that I wanted to punctuate it. You ever see me fucking sobbing over a lunch? Yeah. Turn those lights on all the way. I was talking to an old friend. Oh, that's right. I have a new project. I'm an executive producer on a documentary. Ah, there's a tease. Ain't about

me. And I didn't it's not mine. I have to blast through. Thanks. Go ahead. It's going to do. I have to blast through. Thanks. Go ahead. Just give me. Sorry. He's giving me the fucking. We got to go.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to cut it short for issues with Andy. Well, it's just that Andy was scheduled. What's his address? You want is 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona. That's where people send me shit. Fred Plett. Oh, he's the guy from the he's in

the clink in Billerica Massachusetts for a DUI for a long time so it's probably not his first but he's the one who sent a book Mad Bad Dangerous Mad Bad and Dangerous to Know he also sent a picture that he made in prison of

skulls that he made with just paint and q-tips. Fred, I hope you get out soon. Davey sent smokes, a carton of smokes, I guess, and something else. He had two, there were two thank you notes I left up here. I might have already said these thank yous because that was in the pilot. Teresa sent sweet, sweet Jane, I believe is a book. I write down the...

Anyway. Someone, and I don't know if you... I want to blame you. The fucking black lung ashtray. The listener or me? You. Me. Chaley.

You want to blame me? Because I left it out here and I had the name on top of the ashtray. And then there were sunglasses on top of it. But someone sent me the coolest fucking... Everything was in that trough right there. You of the ashtray, and then there were sunglasses on top of it. But someone sent me the coolest fucking- Everything was in that trough right there. You saw the ashtray, though? Yes. It's chrome, but it's like gutted out where you put the ashes or black lungs.

A relief of lungs. Relief. Chaley knows all the words. So what- You don't know who- Hold on. You don't know who sent it to you? No, because the fucking...

Those were all sitting right there in that corner. I know, but when I came out today to clean up the funhouse, there was a bunch of glasses and no note. No, they were right next to you in the trough right there. All right. I know. You've been through everything here, so thank you for sending that. David sent whippets.

What? Yeah. Oh, they're gone. Bingo everything here. So thank you for sending that. David sent whippets. What? Yeah. Oh, they're gone. Oh, shit. Bingo is here. Yep. Tracy, text her. There might be one left.

She might deliver it. There's no note. I just saw it said it was an Amazon form. And it said buyer was. No, I thought. I assumed she ordered them through my name because it came with nothing. But then I saw she's like, no, I can't do these. But her friend was over that is helping her record.

He'll do them. She probably did. She did them. Nikki Fitz. Our old Nikki Fitz sent me a record player. Okay. And the last one, two people sent us Charles Bronson books. Not the actor, but that guy.

We've talked about it. The UK criminal. Two different books. And thank you. Bingo, take us out. Hold on a second. Can I hear Erickson? Can you do the outro for Bingo?

All right, sure. It's not going to come through. All right. Yes. Hold on, guys. Give me two seconds. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you. you