The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#404: Who's High and Happy?

Episode Date: August 6, 2020

Doug dedicates this podcast to Lena G. as he records from inside the main house for the very first time. The FunHouse remodel continues, Doug gobbled some more edibles and Sam Tallent is on the way to Bisbee.Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Live clip from Neptune Theatre in Seattle, WA March 9th, 2020.Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - http://ebay.us/xtszIx?cmpnId=5338273189Doug's latest comedy special, "Dying of a Last Breed", is now available on Amazon Prime - https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B08CY4XDMC/ref=atv_dp_cnc_1_5Recorded Aug. 2nd, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Doug's viewing suggestions - "Ozark" on Netflix - https://www.netflix.com/title/80117552Get a signed copy of "Running The Light" by Sam Tallent - https://www.samtallent.com/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. All right, we were in the mid-conversation. I realize we don't do that anymore with the podcast where we start mid-conversation because now I have to wait for Chaley to point at me after the intro. I don't know what's going on. How are you out there? How's your outside world? You are a very special podcast, the only podcast, perhaps, we've ever done inside 212 Van Dyke

proper. We might have done some. Don't fact check me, because I don't remember it. I don't think we have. We did Hazard. We did Hazard. We did your house, the death house. Every bar across every country that we've been in.

No, never in Van Dyke. We have the table. I'm so happy with my goddamn inside of my house. I gotta get that Zumba back. That fucking... The Roomba? I call it the Zumba.

Yeah, that Zumba's a thing, though. I think... I know. That's why it's funny. I did it accidentally too many times to go changing. I've said that to people. I go, I know. That's why it's funny. I did it accidentally too many times to go changing. I've said that to people. I go, oh, hey, it's Brian, right? No, it's Steve. No, you're going to be Brian from now on.

I'm never wrong. Don't do that. Don't make me look like an asshole. Hey, Backdoor Mike is here to get his dog. Hi, Backdoor. Bye, Awesome. Awesome's the dog's name. Where were we?

We were in the middle of something fucking good. You're too old to change. That's what you were saying. I'm a little bit high, and you knew that, Chaley. You knew that coming in, but I'm a good high. Not like that bad high. Not like that high that that guy, Nicky Fitz, doesn't like. I wonder if he likes...

At some point, do you just listen for your own name? Like, if I just name-dropped every few minutes, Joe Rogan. Lena G sent us a nice bag. Oh, do you have a list? Lena G. Remember Lena G sent us a nice bag. Oh, do you have a list? Hang on. Lena G. Remember Lena G? Well, you know Lena G is. I like it.

I like your toes. My little story book boy. So I fucked with her about that. She sent something I had to sign for to be 21, and I thought it was booze. So I brought that up on two podcasts, and you had to remind me. You already said this last week.

Well, I don't know. So she said, Hi, Doug and Bingo. Saw this bag and thought of Bisbee. It's just like a recyclable but giant kind of big bag. They're the ones we can't use anymore. You can use it to take all my crappy gifts to the thrift store. Hope you're well.

I've been increasingly pointless as ever, at least finding some point to life. And nice things about me. So Lena G, here, this podcast is for you. Mark Smith, wow, there's a memory. He was the guy with Crohn's disease going under the knife. He emailed me, and I think he's fine or whatever he said

he said something like pooping out of his belly button yeah yeah I think that you might have been wrong no no he was leaking excrement Crohn's is a bad bad bad behavior it changes physiology. Don't do Crohn's.

Anyway, so. So I was going to ask you when we took all this stuff out of the fun house, did you have a thank you or anything on a tablet? Took all this. All the gear and stuff because they're the remodel in there. Yeah, there's probably more thank yous in there. Yeah, we're redoing the fun house. So we're painting it.

Yeah, we're redoing it. It's part of it. Electric's part of it. Point being, that's why we're inside. It was lovely. Tracy came over last night. The rain forced us inside. That's right. You guys moved from out of the patio to the other side of the wall rain forced us inside. That's right. You guys

moved from out of the patio to the other side of the wall, which was inside. And then you ended up back outside? I don't know about that. That was some hellacious thunder last night. Yeah, she left, and then Derek was drunk. Thank God he was able

to walk home in the rain with his fucking steel leg and all. Lightning rod faces down. So yeah, it's just me and the guy whose name we cannot ever speak on the podcast because he has a corporate

job. Yeah, he slept in the pink room. It's very nice. Oh, that's what I was doing. I've been doing a lot of things the last 40 minutes waiting for you chaley's always late what hang on sam talent i'm going somewhere with this i'm not really going anywhere you said 3 30 and you came in like walked in at 3 30 i said i'd set up at 3.30. It was well after 3.30 before we saw your

shining, beautiful face. Have I told you that you're fucking gorgeous? Oh, jeez. I missed my coaster. Yep. I use these coasters now. Sam Talent, I've talked about. We were

going to have him on this podcast, but he was in the park with his family. And... You should call him sooner. Like, give him a day advance notice. Yeah, what I did, because I saw your WhatsApp since

you don't have cell phones to speak of that work. When you came up and I said, like, he never told me what time. I have to WhatsApp Tracy here because you never get back to me on WhatsApp, even though that's the only way to contact you other than a Twitter DM or screaming over the fence. You know we're recording right now?

None of these work. None of these work. You have fucking earphones in all the time. Even when we're podcasting, I assume you're listening to another podcast. So here- All the goddamn time you- At 9.40 this morning.

Yeah. I told you that we are going to get a timeline on the fun house and the painting. And you said, that was at 9.39, 9.40, you said, yay. And then I said, set up a Skype and phone or podcast with Sam anytime at 940. And we can set up inside the house on the glass table. And I wrote back.

And you said, yes, sir. But what I missed was the WhatsApp before that that said, hey, set up a thing with Sam. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was my fault. When you showed up, when you didn't answer my thing about what time do we start, and I went through Tracy because Tracy answers her WhatsApp, you were actually in the yard, but you already had read it because you knew. That's at 2 o'clock.

I know. I'm saying what you said. I said, I'm waiting for Sam to call me back. What you didn't know is I texted him like three to four minutes before he walked in. I made it sound like I did this at 948 when I went back and read through everything. Except the one thing. No, I read through it the second time, and then when I, oh, fuck, I better get Sam right now.

You read through it the second time for the first time. One part? Jams, what are you, going to fucking start throwing math when i'm doing my taxes fucking just yell out numbers when i'm trying to concentrate good goodness sam talent the book is called uh running the light if you're a comic you know what that means if you're an urban comic, then... Come on. It's a stereotype. Yeah.

Black comics don't fucking... They ignore the light. Did you explain that to me? I was getting into the point about this book, Running the Light, is if you're a comedian, this book is so fucking good. And I'm going to save most of this. My point being, Sam Talent was at the park with his family,

so he couldn't do the podcast on short notice. So I wrote him back. That's cool. Just leave them there. That's what Billyy ray would do which is the protagonist of the uh the the novel can you name this book is so fucking good i felt like i was like reading an unknown i i don't want to say hunter s th. Thompson just because it's cliched and it's not written like, but I expected, all right, I'm going to read this because it kind of,

if you like the character Eddie that I played on Louis, this is 287 pages of his fucking life. But I was expecting it was going to be a series of pratfalls and bad things and shit. I mean, there's that. But realistically, it's the way it's written. His writing is so fucking brilliant that I'm glad I didn't read this until my book was already fucking taped and out there. Because otherwise I'd go, scrap my book, scrap my book. It's really one of the best books I've read,

but it's also movies. It's the only depiction of road comedy. I can't think of one movie about stand-up comedy that is anywhere near relevant and nothing in the middle of the country. You've said this before. I know. Two podcasts ago. All right. Almost exactly what you're saying.

Good. All right. Good. Then I'm reinforcing. Yes. Let's punctuate it. But instead of going down the. I was going gonna ask you people and and and

whatever that other that older one instead of going down that road yeah that's you've said that the best this book well i finished it now and then i said hey leave your fucking family in the park like billy ray would he said, I said, just kidding. Like whenever I have no schedule, I have no family and I don't even have a decent park. So whenever you want to do it this week, he goes, how about I just drive down? I got some wanderlust.

I will do this live. I go, you can stay in the guest house is open. Or as Shane Gillis calls it, the Gillis house. Sam and Gillis are buddies. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So once I started pushing this book, Sam Talent is open for me a couple times, evidently.

I must have said this, too. I didn't remember. Like the protagonist, Billy Ray, in the book. Billy Ray Schaefer wouldn't remember Sam Talent either. So, yeah, he's coming down. He's coming. We're going to get him live. Oh, yeah?

So we're not going to do a call-in this week? No, no. He said instead. He's got wanderlust, which I'm starting to understand. Is he in L.A.? No, Denver. Denver. Oh, that's fucking so cool because he uses all these real comedians and wendy curtis you remember wendy from the comedy works he has a whole scene with fucking norm mcdonald where like this is like perfectly written norm

mcdonald no one could fucking write this book it's so nice to like I said that's the fucking full version of Eddie well that's a good endorsement right there so many people like your character character I'm doing air quotes the way you really profiled

do you guys know Tobler? Brent Tobler? Brant Tobbler no uh he's a does he make it is he related to the candy bar he's the guy that i did his backyard party and then got him evicted he used to do backyard comedy back you know my space days and uh was fucking brilliant like why isn't everyone doing this well he got evicted because of me uh yeah he wrote a book he just sent it sorry Tobler you gotta follow Sam Talent but this is uh important is the story that he writes it takes place in a week. Sam Talen's book takes place in a week.

He's fucking milking every sentence. There was a sentence I read yesterday about his heart was, he could feel his heart beating instead of against his ribs. He said the cages of his, fuck i'm fucking it up that's why i have to go to thesaurus.com to write a fucking 12th of the book this guy wrote uh anyway so tobler i'm like 20 pages in tobler i forgot has a really good fucking story. Is this another, is it fiction? No, no, no, no. Running the Light is fiction.

Tobler is his story, and he's got good stories. And he writes them like he's on the podcast. Is this a memoir? Kind of like the way you wrote it? Yeah, yeah. But his fucking, like, you hate the childhood part? I don't want to care. I don't give a fuck about your parents. Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah. But his fuck... Like, you hate the childhood part? I don't want to care. I don't give a fuck about your parents.

Oh, wait. Yeah, you got a good story here with your childhood. It's fucking strong. So they're kind of polar opposites in... Tobler's telling you a story. Yeah. As some people might say, it's his podcast book. Not a plug at you, Tobler.

So you're reading that one now? I just started. I had to keep fucking reading. I want to know what... Where did the Sam Talent book go? It's on my fucking shelf. All right. No, I want to read it.

No, I said I'm going to... This is one of the few books I will not pass on. Valentina. Do I have to check it out? No, Valentina said, who are you going to give it to next? And I go, you know what? I think I'm going to actually keep this book. We've had a running beef about,

like I'm the guy that gives away every book that's good. If it's on my shelf, it's because I haven't read it and I still have hope, which is like eight books over there. Or if it's good, I'd give it away. Like, you've got to read this. Now you're hoarding. No, no.

That one, I could read three pages of that and it would inspire me to write well. Or good. Good good i'll write good so tobler yeah you're i never finished i get that junkies book that whatever i still haven't finished that i jumped onto this one too quick so you know when my neighbors throw their shit down uh a couple houses away the dog was up there and i hustled over there there was a fucking baked potato half eaten thrown down the hill yeah but get this though there was a let's see it's an amazon fire like a tablet they chucked it yeah so

it's a and it works so i bring it home clean it up erase the information that was on it put my information on it uh and i haven't seen anyone even looking for it but it's mine now how would you recognize someone looking for the tablet if If I saw a fucking dirt map, they would never be out there, and if they were, they would be looking for this thing that they lost. The last time somebody found a tablet on the side of a mountain, it was big,

big news, so this could be... Two tablets, actually. Maybe he didn't find the other one. There might be another one over there. Whatever he makes it down the mountain with is might be another one over there whatever he makes it down the mountain with is going to be plenty for us we'll believe it i'd follow andy across a desert i have hey everybody it's me brett erickson from the issues with andy podcast uh we love you killer

termites and we hope you'll tune in And check us Issues with Andy On YouTube Yeah it's not a podcast right Isn't it a vodcast You're right for once Andy You're right it's a vodcast Which means it's a podcast Fueled by vodka

If you love the shit you're getting here On the Doug Stanhope podcast Get more shit with us on Issues with Andy On YouTube every Friday. And yeah, you keep listening and watching or however you do it

and we'll keep shitting. So, other than that, I did the first fucking episode of Ozark. Really? Bored this morning. Like, I did the first fucking episode of Ozark. Really? I was bored this morning. I was just watching one, and I'm like, all right, this is going to be the next one.

I'm in. One episode, I'm fucking in. Oh, so you've, did you watch the whole thing? I've seen the first season. I saw part of the second season a couple years ago. I think I saw two episodes. And then I was working on... We had something going that I was so busy

and quiet. It was the Bible sale. Christmas Bible sale. Yeah. I was so busy I couldn't watch Ozark, Doug. We should do a Christmas sale right now. Just Christmas in whenever.

In COVID. Christmas in whatever day this is. This is the next eBay yard sale. Don't put your finger on the trigger. No, my fingerprints are going to be all over this. I'm saying it's like you're in a room with people. Put your finger somewhere else, not on the trigger? No, my fingerprints are going to be all over this. I'm saying it's like you're in a room with people. Put your finger somewhere else, not on the trigger. Jesus Christ. It was like Andy

walking around with a... It's a fucking baby gun. Andy was on the podcast with a loaded crossbow and he had his finger on the trigger. And you know how fumbly he is, you know? And Chad's all, there's no reason for your finger to be on the trigger right now.

He lives in a neighborhood. And he's out on the balcony. Yeah. The next eBay yard sale. Well, the one is going. The one that. That's what reminded me is when we did Christmas Bibles. Okay. That's a lot of work why don't we just sell one a week is what we thought with ebay yard sale is a fucking

nightmare of work and keeping track but one a week not so bad that yeah that jacket thank you whoever bought that we don't know yet because we're pre-recording. This is a, I guess that's a nine millimeter is what it. Well, it's a plastic replica of a. It's a replica, but it's like, it's a very realistic replica. It's a suicide by cop replica. It doesn't have the red, the thing on the, on the. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not a cap gun where it's got the fucking safety nozzle on the end. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. A flag comes out, fireworks. Just joking. No, this is a fucking, it's a black. If you pulled this from your waistband to suicide by cop, it would happen. The cops could save their throwdown for

another yeah unless they heard the rattle that's the bb's in the handle let me see it but i actually i actually pulled this on a neighbor you guys hid this from me yeah and then what happened is a a global pandemic happened. And that made me go, all right, I'll just sit at home and clean my house. And then I go through drawers and cabinets. I go, hey, there's that realistic looking nine millimeter BB gun that I pulled on fucking weedy. I was talking shit on like, I think it was like the final four. Like a championship game.

I think it was Michigan. I don't know why I think that. But I'm talking shit on Twitter and then he's on Twitter. I'm like, oh, that's my neighbor. That's Weedy. I said, fuck you and fuck your team and fuck. Well, then I'm shit-faced by halftime and I don't give a

fuck about college basketball or any basketball. It's funny to watch it now with no fans because all you hear is their fucking sneakers squeaking. So I'm fucking passed out in bed and I hear fucking right outside my fucking window and I jump out.

I probably already taken a downer. So I was. Yeah. And I grabbed that fucking gun and I ran out. By this time, he's at the front of the fun house and I'm in my fucking in the compound. Yeah. Well, they're playing the fucking whatever Missouri

Michigan fight song of... He went to that school or something. I'm just talking shit. I don't give a fuck. So he thought it'd be funny, which it was funny. Except I'm coming out of some Seroquel haze fucking half bent, running out

in my underpants with a fucking BB gun that looks like a real gun. And that's when you hit it away from me, which is a good idea. What we're talking about here is the Powerline 340 by Daisy. It's a.177 caliber. Weird combination of QVC and fucking degenerate podcast. It's a... It's manufactured by Daisy Outdoor Products, so we know it's a quality.

Yeah. Daisy's classic. Classic beans. Hey, you know what I made today? There is a safety. So that is good. I know. Thank you.

Do you know what I invented today? I didn't eat it. I made it. I made Kenny eat it. But it was a spaghetti dog. I've had one of those. Brioche bun. Really?

They fucking... I didn't Google it because I'm like, well, maybe this is fucking... Spaghetti sandwich. I'm sorry. No, it's a hot dog, but instead of chili on top, it's fucking spaghetti. Oh, you put a hot dog on there too? Yeah, a dog. That's what... No, I thought you just made a sandwich with spaghetti, which I've done that before. No, a spaghetti dog.

All right. It's a brioche bun, buttered, heavily heavily garlic salted i've used almost a full thing of garlic salt during pandemic it's fucking brilliant oh i thought you put the sandwich come on kenny yeah two dollar bill two dollar bill uh grilled both sides so it's crispy because you don't want that to get soggy too quick. And then... The brioche holds up better too. Brioche fucking...

We're going to put something like this again. And when you grill the brioche both sides, smash it down that way. It's a dense bun. Yeah. Well, it's not dense.

No, it's thicker than a regular bun. So you can get away with pushing it down. Oh, it's wider, but it's not dense. Yeah. It's fucking airy. God damn it. I like airy. Why didn't you have one? I wanted Kenny to

eat it because I've been cooking all day. I made bacon and stuff. I made other things. When did you start eating weed today? Right before you said we were going to podcast at 3.30. At 9.40 or at 2.00? No, no.

I was fine when I saw you when you were yelling at me about what time we start. What time do you want to start? It's your podcast. I'm like, I just got in trouble by the boss. Listen, you said our next podcast is going to be Sam Talent. So I assume you did some kind of inquiry. I said that when I was drunk. You can't just... See, that's the thing.

It's nighttime. Yeah. Don't say things to me at nighttime. I didn't say anything. You started it. Well, I can't be held responsible for these kind of flummoxes in the law. I'll remember that. All of a sudden, after 50 years in business together.

I keep paying for the car. There's target stuff. There's another comedy basket. You've been pushing around and I take it to the fucking checkout and get to the car and load up the Suburban. And you go, what are you doing? I loaded that cart last night when I was drunk. That book does not come out till August 20th. And that was more than fair use.

You could have one sentence from the book. Fair use. Okay. But as an attorney, I would say that you just, I'm going to sue you for copyright infringement on my own podcast. All right. It's a true story. That's so fair.

You know, there's no fair. Ask that rat you just removed from my house, my old pet rat that you killed. I thought it was a flood. That's not black mold, says Chaley. No, that's a dead rat underneath the sink. Mouse. This is where Sam Talent is gonna stay

mouse free yeah I was gonna say free mouse with stay but instead Chaley changed it to mouse free it's like the comedy stop and the comedy spot in Houston

someone bought the comedy stop but didn comedy spot in Houston. Someone bought the comedy stop, but didn't want to spend money on the signs, so they just switched the letters. Spot, stop, stop, spot. And then they'd all get calls on the weekend. Who's playing there? And if they knew it was the wrong number, they'd just tell him some bullshit.

Gallagher, too. Yeah, they fucked with him. One of those comics killed himself. It was working at the Spot. Comedy. No, stop. Should we call him and ask? Yeah, and it's one of those guys, and I think it was the guy.

I always quote his bit, if it's not the guy, they have like John McDonald kind of names. So you go, I don't know which one is, change your name to Schwarzenegger. That's a name too. Yeah, the point is, make it something stupid. Schwarzenegger used to be a problem until google and it go did you mean so yeah if you're fucking a comic and you're trying to start out in the business and be remembered with you know jim o'neill no jim o'neill no one's ever gonna fucking remember you if you kill a president the the guy, if you have weird hair,

they'd go the guy with the weird hair, but they're never going to remember Jim O'Neill. So change your name before you kill a president. Wow. I'm not saying you should kill a president, anyone of any country. That's why I said a president. Just change your name.

I don't recognize any of them as my president, but a president. Just change your name. I don't recognize any of them as my president, but a president. A president of the Rotary Club. If you're going to kill him, don't be Jim O'Neill. It's just fucking pointless. So I have a pseudonym if you're going to go on a murder rampage. Yeah, something memorable. Oh, okay.

I went down a fucking glory hole of Charles Rocket on the internet. He's like the most lowly rated Saturday Night Live guy for whatever reason. Was he a writer or an actual player? No, he was actually... 1980 is when everyone quit, like all the Bill Murrays and Gilda Radners. No, no, no. Tim Kazerinsky, anyone of that era remembers, especially if you have herpes now.

It's chirpies if you get it from a bird. It's just endless. Oh, my God. But no, 1980, they had the worst cast. They fired everybody but two. But the point is, Charles Rocket has a real name, and it's something Italian. Claverary?

Clavery? I don't know. Maybe it's not Italian. Claverary. The point is, yeah, you remember if you got murdered as the president of the Boys and Girls Club by Charles Rocket. See? Nobody remembers him from Saturday Night Live.

That's why he's lowly rated. That's why if you're going to kill people, he didn't kill anyone but himself. He did kill himself. But Charles Rockets is a unique name. It's not Jim O'Neill. That's what I'm saying. Change your name from Claverley

or however yeah, he went with Rocket. Stupid, benign. He also went with Hamburger. Charles. That is not true I'm not going to be part of a podcast that is a series of lies one after another

Charles Rocket did kill himself and don't you do that out there listener hey you're inside the main house for the first time you sitting in your bunk bed why did you take top bunk? Your brother moved out decades ago. Why don't you get on the one on the bottom? It's closer to the ground.

You like to climb those little ladder stairs, don't you? I'm going up the ladder, you say. You're 38 years old and you know it's not going to get any better. Welcome inside my house. You can sleep in the pink room. The same bed that was slept in by a guy whose name we can never mention because he's a corporate whore now. Hmm. I have had to do a few mental health checks just in the neighborhood in the last two days. If you are sitting out there listening and you feel like, what the fuck is going on? Well, I feel that way every single day.

In periods, at some point I will go, everything's great. I get the perfect place and then for an hour I'll go I have no fucking idea what's going on in the real world no idea if the news doesn't help it hurts

hinders if anything I don't know you read a Portland thing and it's anarchy. And then Portland is fighting back. It's just at night. It's only for an hour. Take a look around our town. I've never been, if I've said it before, Chaley, I'll say it again.

This is like 9-11 happens and it took six months for the buildings to fall. Back then, I had some kind of angle, even if I was wrong. The conspiracy theory shit that's going out there right now, I don't even get. And I've been a conspiracy theory guy for most of my life, tempering as you get older and more well-to-do. I don't have any hatred that I have to reflect in. Wait, the Franklin conspiracy. Really, George? The original Bush was fucking kids out of Boys Town? That was a great one. If you're a conspiracy theorist and you're running out of... Go back to the Franklin conspiracy.

That was brilliant. But... Like, for instance, like, what, right now? What do you mean? Well, just all the stuff I don't get. Masks. They're in Germany today. They're protesting. They had this

fucking love-in of, we're not wearing masks. You can't tell us what to do. In Germany? Yeah Germany today. They're protesting. They had this fucking love in of we're not wearing masks. You can't tell us what to do. In Germany? Yeah, today. I tweeted that a million years ago or two weeks. When did that fucking guy that he's I'd rather die than wear a mask and be a sheep. He's some ex fucking professional player. Oh, yeah.

We had to do a podcast that night. I was so angry. Remember that? And he was wearing a seatbelt during it. Yeah. He had a video post. Yeah. On Twitter.

Yeah. So just that point alone. Okay. Yeah, he's bitching about. So just that point alone. Okay, no one's railing against legislation about you have to wear a seatbelt, but the mask is a problem. And then even in the fucking Bisbee Observer this week,

Betty Krug, I'll say your fucking name, wrote a letter to the editor about how masks are causing COVID and you can Google it. letter to the editor about how masks are causing COVID and you can Google it. Look up. There's science behind it. Well, look at

Asian cultures that have been wearing masks just out of manners for decades. Yeah, they're not dying. She's saying that people are fucking dying COVID even the fucking like state congressman representative

said I might have been the masks that I had to wear that made me get COVID I fucking alright that sounds like getting VD from a tractor seat and trying to explain it I'm all over the map. Yeah.

Fuck, I lost my thought. Conspiracy theories. Go for some old ones if you don't have any new ones. And I asked you, like, for instance, which ones right now that you're like, you just don't understand. You were saying that the masks... I think my point was that even 9-11 all this shit like i

i knew what was going on and now i feel like either alzheimer's wet brain i have no read on what people are fucking doing or getting crazy about like i always knew like if i put out a tweet all right some people are going to get cheesed off by this but now like just twitter which i fucking need a lot of times i need twitter you would spend hours sitting in the funhouse especially since i've been fucking getting high and then i just i think everything's funny and uh but like the most innocuous tweet be and I I read almost every comment for two days because was what's the last bar you drank at and when and my last bar was the Las Vegas airport bar they'd shut down Vegas I get to the airport but the airport bar was open

and I was like thank god I don't have to drink everything out of nip bottles that I put in a one quart bag uh and some fucking lady like I'm just reading all these people's

stories and I was actually engaged and a lot of them were airport bars that was great too and this fucking lady who's probably a fake account looking back I think you're funny

but it's sad I got on here because I thought I could connect with people. But the fact that you are like the high school kid that can't get over it, bars are not cool. There's two tweets. I've unfollowed you because you're just that thinks being in bars is cool. And I wanted, I had it planned out because I was high and it does motivate me on some levels.

Once I work out the details of high, yeah, don't do this. I've done that where I'm like, all right, I'm going to go into this high and go, okay, what can I do and what can I not accomplish? Because I have like cooked and cleaned on high. You invented the spaghetti hot dog. I got to get that Zumba back. You stole the Zumba.

Yeah, I got to get that back. Spaghetti dog. I know, but now he's so scared of the other dog that he'll probably mate with the fucking Zumba. I was so high high i did watch that i invited you in and i think you thought i was kidding you want to get high and watch the zumba with me but i did that for two hours just watching it go into fucking corners have we already talked about this on the podcast you exercise and i'm never gonna talk again because every time i talk

i think i already said it on the podcast. Like you said. Oh, mental health checks. That's where I was. Yes, I've had to do a few mental health checks around the neighborhood. That's what led me into the other thing, which. People are just as fucked up as you out there. In the neighborhood. Grown men calling me crying.

So, yeah, when you're strong, fucking reach out to someone. When you're weak, reach out to someone where was I going before that you were getting high and watching the when you had a little shaleen

it was way way back when I got confused conspiracy theories yeah that fucking lady just oh that's what... She unfollowed you and thinks you're funny,

but thinks it's ridiculous that you... Yeah, she didn't block me. She didn't block me. She unfollowed me. So I was gonna, I had it all written out in my high head. Is that where you lost him? Was it in a bar? With all those younger girls?

with all those younger girls and just make it a 36 reply thread to her. You think being in bars is cool at your age and I'm unfollowing you. It was violent. The whole point is I love fucking Twitter. And like, yeah, sometimes you need to fucking get some kind of human interaction with people who are probably infected. But I think you're safe via Twitter.

I think Twitter you can't get the vid, but there's science against it. But what did you realize about this lady? I had this whole string of her life, and then I saw... Oh, you're working it up in your head. She was very homely, and one of the homeliest people I've seen since Tonya Harding. And I've talked about this.

When she showed up on the Man Show and I'm supposed to fight her, she was the ugliest, and I don't say that in a physical way, the desperation, the sadness, the fucking pulpy-faced terror of is this going to be another morning show where they just make fun of me

and then they make me hit someone in the fucking shin with a stick? Let's get our goofy intern out. Hey, Tonya Harding is trying to reinvent her career. Why don't you hit our guy and see if it's really you? Come on, you're the whipping boy. Fucking I know. I'm getting

to it. I'm pausing like I was on stage. Yeah, it really was. The lady. I am. No, no. I'm fucking playing to an audience right now. These comics are doing shows. I don't like it.

I hate it. Anyway, so I look on her. I was going to bring up the homely, and I had all. I had like 52 tweets written in my head, and then I look at her. She joined this month. She has zero followers, follows 57 people, most of them comics. And all I read every... Oh, no, it wasn't 57 people.

It was 57 tweets. And yet, every one of them was shit-stirring. Even when it was a comic she liked. Oh, I saw your special. The other thing was long winded. And everything was either passive aggressively shitting or violently shitting. I'm like, first of all, a dude wrote this. Anyone who just joined that's trying to be divisive.

If I even do this whole lengthy thing I have, someone's gonna go, that's a Russian bot and shit I don't know about. But fuck you, lady. Guy. You fill in, J. Lee. Alright. No. End the show? No. No. There's no end to the show. I'm just peeing.

I'm peeing reverse cowgirl so you can hear me. Yeah, you are. Yes, I am. Alright. I wanna pop, I wanna shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, Shasta said Frank Zappa right before he died of prostate cancer. And we're back. Oh, my God. I can't believe Chaley shut me off. I had questions I was going to ask Chaley from the pisser.

What the hell are you doing? All you're doing is sawing things, hammering things, driving things to the dump, controlling people, telling them what to do, writing them checks. When do we take a vacation? Because I've thought about this. When Sam Tellens said wanderlust, I go, that's the fucking word.

I just don't have anywhere I want to go. I just want to get the fuck out. I don't even know where. I mean, I remember when we were coming back from Boise that you could kind of map. Well, we had to either jet straight through to Vegas

because we didn't know if we could go through Utah because of the hotels that already shut down. It was just a weird thing. I don't even keep track or know what's going on now. I'm creeped out by the idea of hotels. That's why the Shady Dell was perfect. They're not interconnected. I'm not fucking scared of the...

It just feels uncomfortable. We might be able to do another one of those. This is when they're usually closed, but he's staying open because of having to shut down earlier in the year. I was going to have you up here for a vacation. You guys get that? I was going to clean the sheets. If I'm this close to where we're at, then I'm going to keep working on the house. But that's the problem with the Shady Dell.

It's also as close. But it is just far enough that, like, we shouldn't drive drunk from here. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I could whip the cars around. Yeah, it's true. I mean, I could whip the cars around. Oh, maybe we do 30 days in the hole of fake vacation where you can't go home. I can't work on anything.

You have to do issues with Andy. I know, and most of them are probably dealing with me. No, we're totally redoing the bathroom. Bought a new uh toilet and i took that whatever they call the texture that was on the wall i completely replastered the walls and we're painting it now it's it's good to be home i know do stuff i but you don't, you won't know when to take a fucking vacation. No. And the great thing is

there is not. Oh, shit. Wait. Hang on. No. Maybe. No. I thought it was Bobby Caldwell. Yeah. It's a 917, not a 517. It's 917.-7. New York.

Upstate. Don't forget to vote in this primary. Oh, yeah, yeah. Probably. You voted today. Oh, yeah, I signed it. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we voted for one guy for mayor, and then I go, well, if I change my mind before November, I can vote for the other guy. Because this is a primary. Yeah, unless there's no way one of them's getting 50% of the vote. This time, yeah, based on the signs. Listen, you guys, listeners out there, you're just sitting on your couch, and you go, what would I cut my wrist with

i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it but what would i yeah what about uh oh fuck it's too late for the best of bisbee i was gonna do that that was over yeah yesterday was the last voting and i did uh i did mention it on a podcast but but on Friday, I was going to tweet, hey, if you're bored, you want to sit around alone on a Friday with me and just jack up. Yeah, I thought, well, because... Was that a nighttime plan, perhaps? Because then he didn't mean it.

No, no, it was over a course of days. I had the guy who can't be mentioned text me the idea when I thought of it. And then I thought of it during the day. There's a lot of Bisbee people that would get really pissed off if they knew that I made Circle K, the best coffee in Bisbee. They might. I mean, a lot of people go there. Circle K?

Yes. I mean, on that end of town, it's the only real coffee shop. I don't want to pay $8 for a cup of coffee. That's a great place. And if you go there early, they got donuts in the morning. I'm not against it. When I was a coffee drinker, like heavily in the LA days, yeah, I want 7-Eleven. Fucking Starbucks disgusts me on almost a Burger King level.

If I drank coffee as much as I eat fast food on the road, I would hate Starbucks as much as Burger King. It's vulgar. It's fucking gross. Hey, can you make that like a third coffee and the rest hot water because your coffee's gross and i don't want to taste it i just want to put cream and sugar in it and just taste cream and sugar yeah you want black coffee yeah i want a i want a fat-free white r Russian is what I want. Hold the vodka until I put it in myself.

The accessibility to just gas station coffee, that's all you're offered when we're on the road. Oh, shit. You're late. You're late for work. I gave you a false time. Oh. Because it's always six. Hmm.

I set up early over there. Let me look at my notes I think I covered everything yeah we covered everything do you want me to remind you of something that you said before comics that are doing shows right now so that bothers you

that's all you said though yeah yeah no that bothers me in that I'm terrified of being expected to go back on the road well everyone else is doing yeah they're doing it to fucking

either not separated I don't want to be the guy responsible for fucking bringing people together nor do I want to get on a plane so you just yell out so yeah it's more of a a matter of i've been waking up my fucking mornings are so good and in the morning i sit and i go what is the the science behind keeping the head i have in the morning throughout the day usually fucks up when i start smoking cigarettes i'm about to do a like a sober september we're

working on it oh no no no we can't bring that up yeah uh good thing you didn't grab the mic uh so yeah like i i i can't even go out and do like some goof off shows like to work out material because then i would forget the material i ain't going anywhere for a long fucking time i know that uh even the dates that are on the books, how do you know? They're playing fucking baseball and they're about to cancel baseball for playing it. Two weeks in. I'm not fucking Andy Andrist or Joey Diaz or someone who's just fucking hilarious by talking.

I have to write some shit. And to write a new hour, God knows what the hour I had in progress in March in Seattle, how that would even be relevant without restructuring the whole fucking thing. So yeah, I can't go goof off. I can't go do your fucking dad's

fucking wedding vow renewal thing in the... I don't have... I'm not funny. I don't even know why you listen to this except you're goddamn lonely too. I like doing it. But I don't want to write a fucking new hour

to go do it in a couple of places that still accept Americans and then retire it again. I do have those shows that I recorded in Seattle. Those are the last two we recorded. Yeah, I know. I want to, cause I only had,

we talked about listening to them. Yeah. Yeah. There's a, there's a couple of flippant like Corona virus jokes. Drop those in the first. Yeah, there's a couple flippant coronavirus jokes. Drop those in. The first night. Yeah, okay, there you go.

Now you have to edit more. Remember the first night? Where you were talking about- Yeah, trust falls out. Yeah, yeah. High five. Yeah, find that. It's right up front.

If there's something new, it's right up front. SamTalent.com. You can get Running the Light, which means going past your time in comedy parlance. Running the Light, SamTalent at SamTalent.com. You can also get it on Amazon, but he makes way less money. Same as my special, Dying of a Last Breed. Similar tone to the book.

Yeah, you can get that on Vimeo if you want to go through that. I make more money, but yeah, go get it on Amazon Prime. Finally available. Talent is T-A-L-L-E-N-T, correct? Yes. Double L. That's how much talent he has. Where's the fucking, don't you have a bell to ring on my?

He's coming. Sam Talent's coming down. He's going to stay in Shane Gillis' house. Shane is so fucking jealous shane gillis is so goddamn jealous of sam talent that it weeps through my text i have to wipe off my phone because this slobber of jealousy leaks through the earpiece. Shane Gillis, he texted me. He said, hey, can I come visit in September?

And I said, of course. And then we shared our usual homosexual diatribes. And then Sam Talent, hey, I'm going to come down next week. Wait, Shane Gillis is coming out this September? Yeah. Yeah, but he doesn't know he's going to be sleeping in the wet spot of Sam Talent. Yeah.

Well, isn't Sam Talent sleeping in the wet spot of... Kind of. Shane Gillis? Try my name. A crusty spot. We've had people stay in there in between. The smell of mouse death. Rebounds.

I've had Shane Gillis rebounds stay in there. I don't know who, but not anyone for... Someone stayed the night, though. I don't think so, since... Come on. I had the... No, I had the fucking maid. I'm good about keeping people tight.

Oh, yeah, this gun. Hey, if you want to buy this gun. Didn't you already pull... It's a safety zone. Yeah, I know. Well, you touch it then. I set this here so you can talk about it. Suicide by cop gun.

Yes. I pulled it on a guy. My fingerprints are on it. Now you can pull it on a cop. And then they'll lay you... Unless you... Unless, like Chaley's imagining

there is one chambered and the safety's off and you have a spring loaded BB pierce the bulletproof vest of that fucking SWAT cop go through his mask somehow pierce his eye rattle around

give him a blood infection from BBs that were touched by COVID. Right in the armpit. Yep. It's all yours on the next eBay weekly item sale yard sale. And if what's your

make sure. There's some guy trying to resell fucking sport coats he bought for me that ain't me so what's your uh handle that they're looking at handle very important so if the guy buys a sports jacket off of you and then resells it that's that was once your sports jacket right yeah i'm just saying i don't want people to confuse... Oh, that this is the same sale. Yeah.

The guy's not. He's given a portion of... He's trying to sell those jackets for 750 bucks. Nah. It's not going to happen. Portion goes to

Innocence Project. I'll give him that. All the shit he sells, he says, uh, it's all memorabilia, mostly MMA. San Diego, dude. But that ain't us. It's all memorabilia, mostly MMA. San Diego, dude.

But that ain't us. What's your... I'm not signed in. What's your... Alright, it's a sport coat or a gun, but... It's like Stan Hope Podcast is the

username. Stan Hope underscore podcast, I think, is the official one. Stanhope underscore podcast I think is the is the official one my PayPal no no we just set up an eBay account

alright you'll figure it out okay it'll be in the show notes and we'll put it in the next we'll tweet it out it's the only one that's going to have

your real pictures in it yeah well unless they're actually hey listener I'm thinking about you tonight out there on the road delivering amazon products sitting in your fucking race car bed in your parents basement knowing they died years ago

and you never ever did get rid of the bodies. Why? Because of those social security checks. You gotta keep cashing them. But now you're afraid to go out of the house to cash those social security checks. Can you do online banking? Do you have your mother's fingerprint? Is it still intact? Peel that dead skin off your mother. Plug it into your iPhone.

See if you can guess her password. I'll be here with you like George Norrie all night. Jaylee's got to go do issues with Andy. Tracy. God knows what her affliction is. Valentina's just sitting here listening and laughing. But I am high and I think I would do this all night long except I'm afraid that I have NPR mouth sounds

so I'm gonna just sign off before it gets too smacky and gurgly I'm Lakshmi Singh take us out of here okay bye bye now Take us out of here. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់� This This man needs no introduction, but please put your hands together for Doug Stanhope. That's Adam Tiller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why I just fucked this one up when Adam Tiller went on stage

I was still in my fucking pajamas across the street in my hotel room because my phone is like stuck on Arizona time but it had corrected itself so I thought I had a fucking hour I just fucking threw a suit on and ran like fuck to get over here. I finished my drink, but then I ran like fuck. All right.

So I was trying to put some fucking, all right, I'll do some different shit than I did last night. to put some, I'll do some different shit than I did last night because two fucking people in the elevator the hotel, yeah you know who you are weirdy beard guy fuck you, hey we were at your show last night we're coming again tonight, I'm like why, you're going to hear the exact same shit so then I spent all day fucking panicking, what else can I do different for two fucking people? And then I don't even know what fucking time it is. Is my fucking tie right? Look,

I don't even have proper socks on. I have fucking pajama socks. It's going to get in my head even more. Two fucking people on an elevator just fucking ruined my show. But I do have adrenaline from that mad dash i was trying to yell at you fuckers in line i was even on the phone going hey look at the line for my show it's 45 degrees out i'm showing my friends look they're sitting out there two hours early it was an hour and i go oh good they opened the doors early. No one's even correcting me on the fact that I'm a fucking hour off. Where's a bald dude that was yelling at someone in traffic that was asking what the line was for? I can, 12 floors up, I can hear you

on the street. It's Doug Stanhope. He's a comedian. You know who you are? You were yelling at a guy in a fucking red Jeep and I tried yelling back at all you fucks in line going, I'm right here. And I'm trying to figure out how to make a fucking megaphone out of what I...

Oh, stop. All right, come just take them off i know yeah you thought oh we're gonna sit up front and i'll make a lot of fun of you wearing fucking gas masks don't worry we'll get to that but just take them off you can't drink i get the joke but now you don't want to spend a fucking hour and 10 wearing fucking gas masks i i get i I appreciate the sentiment. Back when I was stupid and young and I needed the money, we'd do...

Halloween is the worst show in comedy. You just don't work it because Halloween is an occasion that's all about you dressed up like an asshole. And I would forbid anyone from making

fun of someone or acknowledging someone in the audience on a Halloween show that's dressed up in a fucking gorilla suit sitting right up front oh they're gonna have a field day with me don't talk to them let them sit there and fucking sweat in their idiot fucking outfit. But I do. I appreciate that you guys... This is two nights in a row, the biggest assembly of people ever not caring about anything in Seattle. It's fantastic.

ever not caring about anything in Seattle. It's fantastic. This is a city that cares too much all the time. And to have you out, it's kind of fucking weird. I did just, I did change my fucking ticket today. I was supposed to have two days off after tonight here and then go to Baltimore. And today I said, fuck, I don't give a shit. I have no problem with whatever fucking pandemic.

But I worry about everyone else panicking. So I'm getting the fuck out tomorrow. I'll hang out in Baltimore. No, in case they shut down fucking airports and shit. I don't want to be stuck here. I'm not worried about catching shit.

Come on, that only affects older people with respiratory problems, I found out as I opened my second pack of cigarettes of the morning. I'm not worried. You're obviously not worried.

Fucking lick your neighbor. It's like a trust fall. Lick their face. It's fucking killing elderly people. I don't know if this is accurate because who knows what's accurate, but they said the average age of people that have died from this in this country is 80 years old and people who need to be hospitalized is 60. But yeah, look at the upside. Those are people that you just feel guilty that your relatives that you don't want to visit in that home coronavirus is going to make thanksgiving far more tolerable when you don't have to watch them eat

i've fucking shaken every hand at the merch booth. Like, it's just automatic. Nice to meet you. If you do that, I get it. I'm not a fucking germaphobe. I am a fucking germ. I am a walking, coughing, sneezing. I've smoked for 40 years.

I have every symptom of coronavirus since 1993. I don't, I fucking hate germaphobes. Fucking OCD hand sanitizer people bother me anyway. And if it gives you the creeps, I'm glad that you didn't show up.