The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#407: Snitches Get Stitches and Shitting Where We Eat

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

Doug surprise call doesn't go as planned and what's with all the scorpions and death in Bisbee?Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Doug's latest comedy special, "Dying of a Last Breed", is now available on Amazon Prime - https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B08CY4XDMC/ref=atv_dp_cnc_1_5Recorded Aug. 24th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Aiden, Aiden's Mom, Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/"Running The Light" by Sam Tallent - https://www.samtallent.com/Check out these classic episodes with Prisoner Mike Prisoner vs. Prison Guard ep150 - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcasts/ep.-150-prison-guard-vs.-prisoner-killer-termites-dayPrisoner vs. Prison Guard pt. 2 – ep168 - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcasts/ep.-168-prison-guard-vs.-prisoner-pt.02Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night, everyone. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. So, about to start. I'm recording. Just so you know. Alright, I said Tracy will text when we hang up.

So all you have to do is. Say it all then. What? No, his mother. All right. This kid, his name is Aiden, and he's from Austin, Texas. And early in the COVID, in April, I believe, the Austin Statesman ran a high school baseball players.

What are you going to do now that your season is canceled? And they interviewed this kid. And Hennigan has a Google alert for my name. And one of the questions in their prefab interview was, if you could have dinner with any four people from history, who would it be? And the first person he named was me this is a high school texas athlete which i would hope is not my demographic but then he mentioned uh andrew schultz later and he goes uh what the the artist from peanuts no stop stop so schultz was gonna like one thing people don't know about you i love

stand-up comedy and he names me and andrew schultz who i just got turned on to i've never met and uh so i said hey let's just surprise this kid on a podcast we were gonna do it convoluted with the fucking video and all that and make up a reason he'd need to be on a podcast. We were going to do it convoluted with the fucking video and all that and make up a reason he'd need to be on a podcast without using it. And somehow have mom not tip it off. Yeah. So unless it's been tipped, it was his high school PTA guy

that knew someone that said, hey, I tried to reach out to him when Hennigan sent me the article and I couldn't find him anywhere. Aiden is a common name, it seems. Whatever his last name is, I wouldn't give it out. And then the teacher guy contacted me. Hey, would you be open to flying here to meet him?

And I'm like, I've been trying to find the kid just to get him on a podcast. And then COVID came out. So we had all these lies set up of what to tell them. And then his entire family evidently got COVID. And then his dad died. That's right. We were set to do it. Yeah.

Like during a podcast, we were like T minus 40 minutes. Yeah. Schultz was on board. I DM'd Andrew Schultz. Oh, that's right. I don't know him. He was ready to go at a moment's notice. And then this kid's fucking whole family fell apart.

So we're going to instead of, I'm just going to call him and put him on, I'm going to put him on speakerphone, old school. I don't think he's going to have a lot to say, but in history, of all the people in history, not just your favorite comedians, his, oh. Yeah, was it, what comedian would you like at the dinner table? Yeah, no, his top four. I was first. Thank you.

I was going to say, what was, who was second? Second was Aaron judge with, which I think I is a New York Yankee baseball player. All right. I think he's the new Derek Jeter. He's the new light-skinned black guy with green eyes.

How do you spell his last name? J J U. I want to know if he remembers who he said so aaron judge uh j u d g yeah yeah oh man it looks like it could be uh what's his name's kid derrick jeter or or a rod a rod's kid geez yes they they have a look they go for it's kind of like a ipod commercial a light-skinned androgynous kind of black person with freckles they sell an ipod benetton united baseball i'm trying to play to a younger demographic sir it's working uh lewis hamilton which the everyone knows lewis hamilton They did that Broadway play Hamilton about.

He's a race car driver. Tracy already looked it up. And Isabella Merced, who was a young hot chick. Did they make you have to pick one female? All right. Hang on. Now I get a fucking just once. What do you mean?

Open with. It's a phone number. Yeah, just call the fucking thing. I just said, send me your fucking phone number. His mom. I asked mom, send me the phone number. She sent it as

a file. Who fucking just... It's ten fucking numbers. All the time she saved. Now I have to go, what, back into my fucking contacts? You need to download the document. I got it. I got, the point is, why do you send me like a fucking,

all right, here we go. Aiden, I'm not going to say his last name. That's good. Yeah. If he doesn't answer, what if my name comes up? Hi. Aiden? Hello? Hey, Aiden, it's

Doug Stanhope. You're on my podcast. Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, you knew I was calling. I did, yeah. You fucking mother. We knew it from the fucking beginning. Since fucking April, your mother was going to narc us out.

Fuck her. Was it your mother or that teacher guy that narced us out? No, it was my mom. Tonight or before all your family died from COVID? Well, I was busy. I was busy when you were supposed to call earlier, like a couple hours ago. Yeah, no, I told her this. No, hurry.

I fucking implored her i don't know she's the worst the whole gag of this is you're supposed to be surprised and go oh my goodness i can't believe you're calling doug who that's all ruined because of you what's her first name sunday sandra sunday oh it is sund Sandra? Oh, it is Sunday. Yeah. All right. It is Sunday. Yeah.

I thought maybe I called her at work and the name of the business was Sunday because it's a weird name. Oh, no. Fucking God damn it. Who's the teacher guy that got a hold of me back in fucking April? The teacher guy? Well, he... He was on, no, PTA. Or PTSD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he was with my mom on the PTSD. And so I guess he set it up. Did he molest you? I found out about it like 30 minutes ago. What was that? Did he molest you? Not yet.

Now you're an adult. You're all icky. I guess so. All right. Well, you know, do you know the backstory to all this? How we plotted all this out? I have no idea, honestly. Well, Hannigan, my manager, has a Google alert.

I have no idea, honestly. Well, Hannigan, my manager, as a Google alert. So when you mentioned me in an Austin Statesman article of four people that you could have dinner with from all of history, you mentioned me first. Do you remember who the other three are? I'll give you a second. Go ahead, take it. Yeah, I'll sing the appropriate theme. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do What do you got? Yep. Yep.

Merced. Merced. Merced. He changed his name, I think. I think that's what happened. Okay. So did the article. Indeed it? Oh.

Yeah. And there was a fourth? Yeah. They named a musical on Broadway after him. But it's not him. Cats. Jerry Cats. Same last name. Formula One driver.

Oh, Lewis Hamilton. Oh, okay. Yeah. As long as I was first, because I didn't know the other three, but I was pretty sure Aaron Judge was a baseball player. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the other two. But yeah, of all the people in history, and then it went in the article, things people don't know about you. You love stand-up comedy. And you mentioned me, Chappelle. I couldn't ever get on this. We had Andrew Schultz.

You turned me on to him. And I said, hey, do you want to do this podcast where we fuck with this kid and that's when we had it almost scheduled and then your whole family caught COVID that would have been sick that would have been crazy sorry I can get Andrew

Schultz to maybe send you a tweet at this point I'm not going to bother him again no it's ok touchy subject but also not did your schultz to maybe send you a tweet at this point i'm not gonna bother him again no it's okay it's okay touchy subject but also not did your family catch covid but your dad died during that period i'm sorry no no no no not like that my uh my grandfather oh oh is your mother that told me that so she's saying her dad alright yeah well you know that's what he had coming for fucking

giving birth to a narc who can't keep a fucking secret you probably wouldn't have reacted any differently if I just called you blind yeah because you're a baseball player and baseball players are like cops. They have no emotions, and they show no joy.

I'm showing a little bit of joy. You say as you beat your girlfriend. uh so uh so how the fuck does a a 17 maybe at the time 18 year old boy that plays sports how are you into good comedy youtube youtube is where it's at actually but i'm just, because you said in the article that people would be surprised to know that you love standup. So how did you get into it? If your parents and family and your surroundings, what was your first,

what was your first entree into standup where you go, Oh, I need to watch more. Um, I think it might've been like, you know how they suggest things under so you click on a video and then it's suggested right yeah there's a bunch of videos suggested i think it might have been like a joe rogan type thing like a joe rogan podcast and then unders all right so rogan rogan was already someone you were into yeah for sure all sure. All right. So was there someone before Rogan that got you into Rogan?

And please don't say the wrong thing, but I would understand. I think before Rogan, I think the first stand-up I'd ever watched was George Lopez. Okay, but what got you into Rogan? Rogan? Mm-hmm. Is there an answer that i'm supposed to give you now no i'm i'm assuming because you live in austin you're gonna tell me alex jones oh good good it was more years than you've been alive since I played Austin

when Alex Jones first started on cable access, and he was a known goof. He was just pretending to be someone like Morton Downey Jr. I watched that. I watched when you played here, actually, with Alex Jones. You went on a rant for like 30 minutes, didn't you? Yeah. And then you finally get on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happened. I was screaming at people. Yeah, it was funny. I should have you as my, like, my, hey, kid, who's the hot young comic now

that I should watch? Because if you like me and Chappelle and you like fucking young now that I should watch? Because if you like me and Chappelle and you like fucking young guys that I should watch because I don't see comedy. You don't watch it? No, fucking. It's terrible most of the time. It's either terrible or threatening.

Threat? Because they're so good, you're afraid of them? Yeah, yeah, where you go, oh, fuck, I need to be back out on the road. Well, no one's on the road. I understand. I think the main one right now is probably Schultz. The young dude? Yeah, yeah, again, you turned me on to him.

COVID has actually made me watch comedy like there's a a bunch of guys that nate craig uh sam talent i just got his book uh sam moral when at the beginning of kovat i was watching all these new guys specials that i'd never heard of or because I don't live near comedy so yeah I've seen a bunch of good ones yeah a lot of free time yeah got a lot of free time so uh what's your future now that uh half thelan is dead. I have no idea. So I'm at Texas State in San Marcos right now. Yeah.

Texas State University. And I have no idea what I want to study because the whole time I was in high school, I just wanted to go to baseball. So I never even thought about it. Yeah. Did they fudge a lot of your tests so you could get a scholarship no I was an okay student and the school that I went to was actually

pretty relaxed has anyone sorry I'm just because we've been watching baseball for lack of anything else to watch. Does anyone ever go from college directly to the major leagues? Directly to the major leagues, like skipping minor leagues? Yeah, like is anyone, like in basketball, they skip college.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the pros, they might be a starter as a number one draft pick. But baseball, I think even the best of them have to go through fucking Little League, right? You know what I mean. T-Bone. Yeah, pretty much, pretty much. Well, they can get drafted out of high school and then play like three years and then get pulled up to the majors. That's usually as quick as it happens.

Has anyone in Major League history done a Kobe Bryant where they go from high school to the Phillies or whatever? Maybe like in the 40s. Oh, yeah. When everyone was at war? Yeah, yeah. When everyone was at war? Yeah, exactly. Maybe that's where the limp wrist...

Either that or they had to have females play. The old trope of limp-wristed for gay was in the 40s when anyone with a strong wrist would be over fighting the Nazis right now.

He can't swing a bat. Look at that limp wrist. Lighten the loafers. So what's your future now? What are you going to study now that you realize that the most boring sport in the world is not an option? I haven't figured it out yet, actually. I still haven't thought about it.

Well, you're in... You just said you're in school. You're in San Marcos. I am in school, currently, yes. For what? I don't... I'm still making up my mind? Coinflip 101? That's the degree I have right now.

Yeah, undecided. Did you ever think, when you were making up my mind? Coin flip 101? That's the degree I have right now. Yeah. Undecided. Did you ever think when you were thinking about all I want to do is play baseball, did you ever think, oh my God, I'm really high and I see that I'm going to fail.

What happens when I fail? I mean, I knew there was a possibility. But I think, no no I never actually considered it alright how good were you? I actually wasn't that good I was okay we've had okay baseball

players stay with us in a league that wasn't even how does it work? Is AAA the best or the worst? That's the next step is major league. But you go A, AA, AAA, or you go AAA, AA, AAA? AAA, AAA, AAA. All right, AAA is right before the majors.

So we had guys that were trying to get to A, and we were like, what do you call those? One of them was the college home run derby champ one year. Yeah. And he was still stuck here. Yeah. They played for this made-up league that played in Bisbee where you owe your soul to the company store,

where if they broke a bat, they had to buy it from the house and they'd charge them 50 bucks a bat at their prices. They just fucked them over brutally. And I always felt bad for these kids. But then I remembered when I was a young comic living out of my car, yeah, I'd spend $200 to play a gig that paid 50 bucks.

That's how you weed out the fucking week. Sorry, Aiden, I went off on a fucking tangent there and forgot all about you. No, you're okay, you're okay. When did you start? 1990, 30 years ago on August 28th. I was going to ask you, generally the only people who are infatuated with stand-up comics

are people who really want to do stand-up comedy. So is that like something that's in the back of your head i've thought about it before yeah i don't know how good i'd be at it but i've thought about it oh then don't do it yeah if you don't think you're gonna be great did you try to come up with jokes when your mother fucking narked us out? I'm calling her next. Don't nark me out. Don't you fucking hang up this phone, Aiden, and say, he's calling you next and he's going to call you a nark.

I promise I won't. All right. No, I thought of some of your old jokes, actually. Go ahead. I think one of my old jokes, actually. Go ahead. I think one of my favorite jokes of yours, you look pretty young. It was probably like 95.

All right. Was I wearing a Santa hat? Yeah. Damn it. Yeah, that's, I know exactly. That was a Hedberg production. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I's, I know exactly, that was a Hedberg production. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I think it was.

And you had this wee, I mean, it was, because you still have your like little, you have your voice. Yeah, I had a. I was a lot more back then. Yeah, I had some affected accent I didn't know I was doing. Yeah, I was way more. So what was the joke? What? Yeah, it was way more. So what was the joke? What?

I blew a speaker on my car the other day. Wasn't it? And then, dude, I'm fucking up a joke. He was a motivational speaker. Exactly. That's the first joke I stole. I mean, in that it was my best friend's joke and he gave it to me.

But still, there's only like five jokes in my entire career that I've taken from someone with their permission because he wasn't doing comedy anymore. And I still feel probably three of them were Matt Becker.

And I still don't feel good about it. All one-liners, of course. Anyway. What was your first joke? My first joke? Because you remember the day. Yeah, you remember the date. Yeah.

Well, it was riffing off the guy that ran the thing it was a big fat fatty named ron putnam and he ran the open mic and uh he brought me up and i said he's the first person to make it big with a will work for food sign it was an easy fat joke not clever but it was better than the rest of my act what's your first joke gonna be I think I have no idea all right well I'm gonna hang up on you and I'm gonna call your mother I'm gonna call her a lot of nasty words without using the words and I'm gonna call her your mother. I'm going to call her a lot of nasty words without using the words. I'm going to call her a narc for sure. Then you can call her in

fucking three minutes. I understand. Hey, sometime we'll have dinner. Listeners, go on Twitter and tweet listen to the first 15 minutes of this podcast with a link and at Lewis

Hamilton at Isabella Merced and at Aaron judge. And we'll see if we can set up a socially distanced dinner. Oh, wait, you already survived the COVID Aiden. He can cook. So we can put your antibodies into the Omaha steaks. Infused. Do you get high at all, Aiden? I have before.

No, you're supposed to say no. This is on your permanent record. Oh, shit. Sorry, Mom. Do you do steroids? No. Just admit to everything now and then later

you can say it was a joke. I was trying out my comedy. I have to be your lawyer and your mentor. Kids. All right. I hope this was at least a little surprising.

This will air one day on a Wednesday. Okay. All right. Keep that fucking professional baseball vibe going, like a cop standing there. Are you wearing aviator shades now, trying to look cooler than you can possibly be at 18? I think so. I do, though. Good night, Aiden. trying to look cooler than you can possibly be at 18?

I'm pretty good, though. Good night, Aiden. Here comes your mother. Fucking can't believe her. Fucking mother ratted me out. You've been coordinating this thing with mother for the whole time. With fucking strong. Don't even hint at it. Oh, you might have something special.

You're going to wear that shirt? Okay. You're a fucking narc, Sunday. You're a goddamn narc. You didn't tell me to not tell him. I've been telling you to not tell him since April. We've been fucking plotting and planning and people die and every one of

you in Texas gets COVID and we wait and then I finally say let's just pull the trigger and do it by speakerphone and we can tell by his voice in the first sentence that you ratted us out. I told him to get his butt home

so that he could be on the phone and not be texting, not be talking to you guys. I told him to get his butt home so that he could be on the phone and not be texting, not be talking to you guys. I told you to take his... Can I tell him? I told you to take your time. You didn't tell me to not tell him. I said just give me his

gall dang cell phone, motherfucker. Did you talk to him or not? Yes, we just talked to him, but we could tell that he knew I was calling. Well, he's all baseball player-y and not surprised whatsoever, because there was no goddamn surprise

Sunday. But that's his personality. Dude, he loves you. I know. I know it's his personality because he's a baseball player. Name one that has personality. He's super chill. He does have a personality because he's a baseball player. Name one that has personality. He's super chill. He does have a personality.

He's just super chill. I know. I told him, you are on the podcast because I told him, I'm going to call your mother as soon as we hang up and call her a fucking narc. I can't believe you're giving me shit. Yes, I'm giving you wicked shit. That was the whole point since April was to surprise this kid. Oh, I know.

I understand, but I didn't know if I should tell him I didn't tell him that I did it. I should not tell him I didn't think not to, so that's why I did it. Sorry. I gave you implicit, explicit instructions. Don't even hint at it. All right. Anyway, I have to go on with this podcast. I know it's.

Seriously, you made this mama's heart. Seriously. Well, I'm glad it made your heart. I was hoping it would make my heart by some kid going, oh, my goodness. I can't believe. No, no, no. I'm going to show you what he texted me. Seriously.

Okay. You text that to me. I have to continue this podcast. Okay, have a good time. I'm playing this up a bit for podcast reasons. I'm not very upset with you. Oh, shit. Now you have me on. Thanks.

Yeah, you're on a podcast. All right. Thanks so much. You're Sunday the narc. I didn't give out your last names thank you I appreciate that

I love you have a good one bye now bye bye now alright that went well yeah

I didn't really expect a baseball player to seem overjoyed but this has been in the fucking works for months you are right though about baseball players having like the terrible like the stone stare I'm

trying to light it oh good god I have to send you on a mission I don't even need this it's fucking that's moot I have I write down on a mission. I don't even need this. It's fucking, that's moot. I have, I write down podcast notes. Yeah, I know. You never bring them to the podcast. I'm really surprised you haven't.

I have Scorpion down, but you've already done two issues with Andy talking about all the people with Scorpion bites. You're the one I woke up to. You were, you were, it's really weird. I have not talked about that like what it was like what happened on purpose because the day after it happened i was on issues with andy and they asked about it i go well i can just tell you what happened to me like getting stung i the rest everyone else what i think we've had as many deaths in the neighborhood or of our own as we've had scorpion bites

because Joby's sister died. If you listen to or if you're on the Twitch or you're you get the local paper, the observer. No, she wasn't named. But yeah, we're telling you it was in there, right? Yeah. When Joby found that guy that was almost dead when they witnessed that a pickup truck run into a motorcycle that made front page with jobey in the picture and they did not name him and when they found his sister dead in a car

in the safeway parking lot there was a picture in the bisbee observer woman found dead no go all right you know that that table no i used it to start a fire the other night the paper by the door the front door there's a piece of paper m&m there's a torn out piece of newspaper on that table i wanted to go off on this what is it is two weeks ago because we we had a backup podcast you're jumping all over what does this have to do with well i'm oh you're going from the you're following the list like our neighbor down the street suzanne her boyfriend and her just getting to a head-on collision wicked like you crazy the car is not recognizable as a car much less identifying the remains of the guy that got hit on that side well she she wasn't driving her own car and she walked away basically he's fucking dead right there uh back door by the way that

when you told me about that like right after you found out from her that like affected me severely for two days i don't know if it's because of covid and being isolated and stuff like that it's really a bummer man i mean not to like whoa dude totally radical bummer but it was like it kind of bummed me out in the in that it just kind of like swept over me in that there's someone who's 37 years old. Yeah, Hedberg's age. Yeah. Hedberg affected me the same way where, oh, it made you feel mortal. Made you feel like, oh, I should keep a tighter eye on the road.

You ever think of that about Hedberg? I remember when you called me. Like him being around later? No, not the death and everything like just like how he would react to I don't know just sometimes I get in melancholy moods I can't imagine Hedberg sober yeah much less talking to other people about to stay away from heroin. Seriously. I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, I can't imagine that. Hedberg was beautiful in what he did.

And I can't imagine a fucking later version of him. Yeah, he's frozen in time like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe. Definitely in that. The worst comic to have to live through a social media age where all of his jokes could fit into a tweet and everyone's stealing them and acting like it's their own that's interesting i never thought of that yeah yeah i'm glad that my bits take 20 minutes to pay off long form even a bootleg video most people aren't going to sit through just on spec as a recommended they get tired of holding their arm up so they bring it down before the punch line uh yeah so so uh when suzanne the neighbor, friend of ours, when that car wreck killed her boyfriend, there's two newspapers.

The local Bisbee alone is the Bisbee Observer. Comes out once a week. With the police beat. Yeah, and that's all you read it for is the police beat. They have two other stories about the bisbee you know like the local school district and the council meeting the other newspaper is the sierra vista herald slash bisbee review that uh comes out daily or at least three times a week now that's the one chad used to work work for yeah yeah it used to be daily.

Now I'm subscribed, so I get on their secret fucking website to read nothing. It's just a blown out version of The Observer. And The Herald, the bigger newspaper, ran the story when it happened two days later after a fucking vehicular manslaughter. Oh, yeah. It was one of the wall builders. We have wall builders down here that are probably, you know, stoking the income quite a bit because you can't get a rental property here

because everyone's here building a border wall. But yeah, a lot of them are out of state. Yeah, he's a welder passing on a windy mountain road to go up to the tunnel in a no-passing zone around a corner and crushed her fucking Prius. And all that

the Herald had was quotes. According to the passenger Suzanne Walsh on Facebook and they're just quoting what she wrote and according to Facebook uh Cochise County Sheriff's Office like all you're saying is don't pay $300 a year for a subscription to our secret stupid website that has no news. Just go on Facebook. The fucking worst. This is what I had Tracy just run in and get because this made me crazy.

This is, ladies and gentlemen, when you just shout out at people on Twitter, I understand it. When you're giving me shit, I did Chrissy Mayer's podcast just because someone gave me shit on twitter when all i said was literally i hope you're having a good day i tweeted something about today marks the day where i'm going into my sixth month of uh you know not going out i hope you're having a good day and making the best of it too very positive went to bed and some cunt was like fuck you you fucking suck and and then i so it was like i you never

read twitter in the morning first thing don't read twitter in the morning because it's gonna you're gonna find an asshole and it's gonna ruin your day so save twitter for at night if you want to be angry you'll find the guy so i went into immediate morning rage and i fucked this guy like i was killing him in my head i was finding him getting every fucking internet sleuth private investigator fucking hacker to find this guy. And I pictured all the ways I'd kill him. And that's not a way to wake up. You should wake up. You know what I had for breakfast the other morning? I had a farmer's market, uh farmer's market tiny cherry tomatoes that taste like tomatoes tasted in 1978 and i ate those with sausage grilled sausage and i cut them up to the same so i'd eat a sausage

and a cherry tomato big plate of them that's a way to wake up yeah you don't wake up and get on twitter and fucking plot murders that you have to incorporate fucking internet sleuths for. But I went through his Twitter as you do. That's how you start the murder. Who do they follow? Who's a bot or a friend? And then find out detail. So I went through that.

He just joined Twitter. 2020. What time is it in the morning are we talking about here whenever i wake up no but is this like pre-dawn because you you've got weird hours right now i've yeah i've so you're woken up i woke up this morning at four went back to bed woke up at 4 15 got up, fed an animal that was yelling. I was up and about at 7. The last two mornings, 6. Other mornings, noon.

Point being, I went through all of his shit. And I went through who he follows. Almost all right-wing shit or comics that he would would think are right wing, even though none of them are. Their pigeonhole is that because they still say cunt or retard. So they're right wing. We've had this conversation on another podcast today. But one of them was Chrissy Mayer. And I go, she has a podcast and she follows me. So I followed her back.

And she said, thanks for the follow. And this was all preordained in my head that, you know how I'm going to fuck with that guy? I'm just going to do a podcast that you're a fan of. So here, yeah, there I am. So it was utter spite. I told her that. I go, you're kind of like a hate fuck to get back at an ex-girlfriend.

But she was wonderful. I think she's kind of right wing, but it didn't come up because I don't have a fucking wing. I don't care. The outside world is for business purposes only. Until I can write a bit about it my life is fucking beautiful yeah that might affect me at some point but no not watching daily news and all these fucking young comics you know if they were grilled by someone who knew politics okay what about this yeah this measure or something?

No. I think we're all on the same page. I just know that I'm dumb enough to keep my fucking mouth shut until there's something I need to talk about. You're all just repeating each other. It's not a bad thing. I'm just not jumping in that game what was my point the paper oh yeah this is so dumb to even get into all right we'll save that why you've already brought it out well this is in the sunday herald this is the same paper that told me that I, in four categories, I am in the top three.

Oh, best of Bisbee. Best of Bisbee. Yeah. Did I tell you about when they say, do you want to buy ad time? You said, I think two podcasts ago you talked about it, but we don't know anything since that phone call. Yeah, I said, well, if this. They said you were in the top three. Yeah, and you don't find out till

after you've you know have or have not bought ad space checks cleared and i i wrote back to him i go listen some of these categories only had three nominees so i'm not going to buy a full page ad just to say hey thanks for voting me dead last or not voting yeah yeah thanks for not voting that's what you put me in third uh but she saw through my fucking smoke screen that i was hinting at if if i'm in first i'll buy a first full page ad. Full page, yeah. This is a local. So the Sunday paper has four stories. Wait, that's the Sierra Vista Sunday out? Yeah. They have a Sunday paper?

Yeah, so I subscribed to the Herald to get if you want to read more, it's like Kentucky Fried Movie. COVID is moving towards a house located exactly at, if you want to read more, spend an inordinate amount of money on a newspaper

that's mostly family dollar circulars on a Sunday. So the Sunday paper, I love Sunday paper day. So to get a physical copy of a Sundayay paper even if it's mostly full of fucking tear out coupons for a family dollar i read as much as i can do you get it on a sunday yeah it's delivered here you just uh used a lot of it to yeah start the fire for your salmon that is that but today's Monday. Do I need to dump the? Yeah, dump the coals onto the bed.

Do I need to glove it or anything? No. I mean, if it's hot, don't touch it. Well. I'm glad this reminded me that your salmon is burning the grill. Because we use this newspaper to start fires. Her mic's still on. Oh. Tracy. No, I got it right here. that's funny oh she just found the cat okay okay i potted her down i i have not read a sunday

paper in five years they have like uh uh triple the amount that you remember of full-color Sunday comics. Sunday Circular Comics? Beetle Bailey. Yo, they got it all. They're still going. The ones that we grew up with. I mean, no one's drawing Beetle Bailey. Right?

Who's the hun? Who's the hun? Oh, there is one with the Ivar or something. Ivar. Ivar the terrible? The horrible? The horrible? Hagar.

Hagar the horrible. Hagar the horrible. I already studied that. Open our post. The horrible. The horrible. Hagar. Hagar the horrible. Hagar the horrible. I already used to read that. Open or close? Huh? Open or close? Oh.

The grill. Closed. Close it? Yeah. Meat wig. Meow. Someone told me, you know, your best impressions. Oh, as Raider.

Hennigan, but mostly meat wig. So I get through. I've even started crossword puzzles. Like I just write in the ones that are obvious, which are the blanks. Tour de, and it starts with an F. France. Tour de France. Tour de force.

See, that's why I quit anyway. That's how bored I am. I want to enjoy a full Valentina, get the New York Times Sunday. And it got here on Sunday? Yeah. God, that's so weird. So occasionally she'd come up and I'd read that too. But I'd always start with this. So I get to a place where I'm reading.

They still have like Dear Abby newspapers. She's been dead for 20 years. Yeah. Actually, no, I think it's Ann Landers, her sister that's dead. I think she's actually still alive. But this is a local one that they have in. A local what? Like a call in?

Write in? Yeah. Advice column? No, it's business. Ask Eminem how to succeed in today's business world. But they're locals. This is not syndicated, I hope. Well, we'll see.

And so it's Mark Schmidt and Minone Hollis. Two people answering one question. The question is, Dear Eminem, what are three important things every business needs to be doing in order to succeed in today's environment? Signed, Jack. That's a very specific question, Eminem.

What are three things? I'm a, like if I were new in business, oh, you're in business, what are three things? No, a normal person would say, hey, what are some things, one thing? No, a normal person would say, hey, what are some things, one thing? And they wouldn't be sending it to a column that comes out once a week in a paper no one reads where you could have just asked it on Facebook. That's who they quote for the stories that are really important.

Someone died. According to social media that we're not familiar with, these people still have a classified section that they have a bigger ad in their classified section. Yes, you want me to buy a full page ad because you said I was the best at something at Bisbee, which I rigged the voting anyway. By having a podcast and using social media. Yeah. Everything that's making your whole media go out of business.

Your whole medium is going out of business because of the things I used to rig the fucking competition that I'm now going to win. When the lady the second time said, hey, I want you to know this is the deadline for you to fill out the form so we know when you were presented as the best of Bisbee. And also, if you have any questions about advertising with the race and I asked her, OK, for a full page ad, what can I put in it? Are there restrictions on content? Because I had a million ideas of, yeah, if I knew I was voted number one in a category I rigged.

Yeah. Yeah. Best soup, salad or sandwich. That's not because someone voted for it. That's me rigging it. No, that's you, the listeners. Thank you if you chimed in on that. But it didn't seem to take many votes to even get nominated.

And that's before I even brought it up. Best soup salad sandwich is definitely a Bob's your uncle. Like, yeah, you know, vote Stan Hope. Yeah, no, this is the fun house. The fun house itself, which is not a public business. It's just the house. Well, we're never open because we never closed. True.

Yeah. All right, let me get back to Eminem. So Jack writes this fake question that never existed and no one ever asked. And M&M write back in a singular voice. As always, every business has its own unique problems and solutions to every problem. However, with that said, blah, blah, blah. That paragraph ends. However, with that said, blah, blah, blah. That paragraph ends Oh, here's, oh, he, oh, yeah.

He happened to have three things. Yeah, that's why he said three in the question that he made up. I think that's what happens is M asks M&M. All right, this week you make up the fucking absolutely bogus question and I'll make up.

I'll see if I can answer it. Yeah. I already wrote the answer and here's how you phrase the question. He said, however, with that said, you might find it difficult to operate unless you have taken care of the following three things oh three three they are and this is i'm reading it off the paper they are listed in any specific order they are listed in any now is that a typo that says in no specific order. Many specific orders? Yeah. And then his next paragraph,

first and foremost. Well, if they're not in any specific order, then why is that one first and foremost? First can be the first one he answers, but foremost gives an urgency to why this one is placed first.

Right. It better be location. And then the following two should be location as well. How are you keeping the doors open? Blah, blah, blah. Can you, can and are you generating enough money to pay for shit? Blah, blah, blah. So he goes through like obvious stuff.

Number three, how do they know? Wait, what happened to two? Well, I'm just saying they're obvious. The second area is need. People must have a genuine need for the product. Economics 101. Well, that actually, I'm glad I said that. High school economics 101.

Because the third one, ask Eminem, Mark Schmidt, and Mignon with two Ns at the end. It's like filet mignon with two Ns and an E at the end. And no meat. So number three, how do they know who you are? How do they get there? Is there a website they can go click a button to order? Can they find you on Google Maps? No mention of newspaper.

Wait, wait, no, I'm going somewhere. No, no, no. At the end of this, summing this up. The last sentence is, I can't think of a situation if you're not doing these three things, you probably won't succeed. If you're not doing those three things,

and then it says at the end, Mark Schmidt is a director of this at the community college and Mignon Hollis is a economic development something there's no way in this fucking column to ask eminem a question in the ask eminem it just gives their credits it doesn't say send a thing to a even dear abby still has P.O. box. If you have a question for Dear Abby. Fucking crazy people. My cat keeps

pooping on my chamois. I'm gonna send a post letter to a fucking P.O. box and hope I get picked out of the magic hat. Until then I'm just gonna let the cat shit on my Afghan.

Fucking rule number three, Mark. I'm just going to attack the man because we're both white men of privilege. Oh, you think Minion is a woman? Yeah, they have their picture. Of course, they're like real estate people. I don't need to see what you look like. Mark Schmidt, the third thing.

How do they get a hold of you? Can they find you on Google Maps? You have a column, Ask Eminem, where you don't tell them how to ask you. Nobody knows who the fuck you are. Everything that you say in your column,'re going against it is there a need is there a need for a local fucking newspaper column that only quotes facebook and google shouldn't you just go okay i'll take the gun out of my mouth, but I really have to stop doing things that offend smart people. How are we going to attract local businesses to this town?

If the dumbest guy in business has a fucking column that I go, this is what I do wrong. There's no need for me. There's no fucking money. There's no need for me. There's no fucking money. There's no future. And above all, location, location, location. I don't have one. According to my column, ask me if you see me on the street because I'm not going to give out my personal email address.

God damn it. I'm glad I could relive that hatred from a fucking Sunday paper two weeks ago. I'm glad you saved it. I did because I knew at least you can keep your mouth shut unlike Sunday. So you get stung

by a scorpion. Yeah, something like that. I forgot that's somehow, something like that. I forgot that somehow we got into that. No, I like that. You've got the vitriol. Oh, the death. That's the deaths. I don't know how that led to that. You said you have a list. Oh, no. I know the list in my head of deaths and scorpion bites. Backdoor Mike's sister died a bit back

uh probably I think it was when we were on the road it was in the Seattle it was in the COVID times it wasn't pre pre

yeah but I think we were on the road because I got the call from bingo but then just oh was it so just recently oh I'm thinking the mural

because he had the dates put on it. Yeah. Sorry. So then he finds out the brother-in-law, her husband, killed himself. What? Yeah. Because of her dying? Yeah.

And his sister died. The brother-in-law died. And then I said to Bingo, that's some Joby shit. And the next day or two days later, Joby texts me. I'm the last sibling now. I'm like, oh, fuck. Your sister died. So Joby and back to our mic are just keeping up with dead people.

His fucking father dies. Your sister dies. Oh, sorry. I thought you left. I hit tracy in the head with my bartender doesn't leave she's the one who turns off the lights oh my god i could have used you for five hours of podcasting the book today yeah why did you do that what why did i well i knew you were doing like an interview or something but it's like why didn't we set up a whole i did i set up four in a row i set up why didn't we set up a whole thing with

tracy bartending and us doing a podcast you guys are doing shit well yeah but i didn't know i didn't know you were gonna start drinking i guess i should have known well you're gonna talk to someone on a computer once the documentary is over or i know i don't have to do anymore then i'll reach out to fucking legion of skanks and more then i'll reach out to fucking legion of skanks and folks how did it go today uh promoting the book because it let's set it up this way you have said in the last two podcasts you're only doing interviews with people you don't care who they are but they have had had to have read the book or listen to the book yeah that's out right now no encore Encore for the Donkey. Wow. Those beers have really kicked in. I'm on my second edible

and probably my 10th drink since 10 a.m. I did an edible at 8.30. A.M.? Yeah, A.M. Now it's quarter to 8 p.m. You were doing a podcast and I go,

hey, we need to do a podcast today. And you're like, let's do it right now. I'm You were doing a podcast and I go, hey, we need to do a podcast today. And you're like, let's do it right now. I'm almost done with this guy and I got one more. And I'm like, this is going to be hours later. And then I found out you were doing edibles and then I knew you had been drinking because you were. Well, I called Aiden's mother. Yeah. Texted her saying, hey, I heard from.

Listen, this is all Tracy's fault. This is Tracy fucking through and through. Hey, do you want to say a thank you to our gal, Annie Vox? Did you remember her name? I certainly do. Yes. Annie, we fucking planned on this. We just got.

I don't know who Annie Vox is. All right, I'm getting this thank you out of the way. Absolutely. She sent me a fantastic t-shirt. this thank you out of the way because absolutely yeah she sent me a fantastic t-shirt it's a it's based on you know doug needing to start a cult and it's like hey kids let's start a cult it's a very cute t-shirt she got the absolute appropriate size boob appropriate for girls she knows and i think that's that portland chick i don't know if they're the same person that fucking draws fantastic things on the envelopes.

It just has weird shit to say, but maybe that's two different people. But all right, we got that out. She's been a musician and a writer. She's a sex worker now. How come those people never visit us? Oh, no, no. I think she said I'm a sex worker now. She had some. She had some asterisk, like, even though I shouldn't be like some what's a disclaimer. Yeah, like, you know, when you watch cops in 1996 and you go, someone paid for that. cops in 1996 and you go someone paid

for that like they bust a guy getting his dick sucked by some crackhead fucking missing teeth and like because my mother used to always make half jokes about I guess I could always just sell my ass on the street

and you go who would pay to fuck you and you go oh there's way worse on cops than my 60-year-old mother. And they're making a living. Maybe you should, ma. Anyway, I think, Annie Vox, thank you. I'm off too many topics in my head.

You're lovely and wonderful. And thank you very, very much. Wait, did you just write that right now? Yeah, I thought that's why you said it. Oh, you remember it all by yourself? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, Tracy had it written down.

I looked for my notes. That's so cute. Oh, you know what? I am so glad. Here's the thing about my new phone. A lot of people that have the old phone don't understand that I don't have an old phone. Like I don't check that generally unless I'm looking for fucking specific

things and it dies. This is like within four minutes. It's fucked up. Yeah. Until we get it, the SIM cards in another one, it's not going to change. So I haven't,

the, you know, the, the VIPs in, are you important to my life for the most part in the new phone and this is where it's good because last night i was very drunk and high and then oh yeah chaley you saw me when i came in here i was perfectly giggly high but i had spent all day cleaning my house and i couldn't find the fucking remote. And I went into this.

Two nights ago. Yeah. Fucking rage of throwing shit around, trying to find the remote. I'm like, I'm going to tip. If I, if I had the strength,

I would have torn that fucking mattress off the frame and just thrown it towards the TV. Strength. I had retard strength. You said, what was it? You said, it says HDMI not found. And I'm like, okay, this is not a problem. Because he's not going to be able to throw an HDMI.

Chaley's in here behind the refrigerator in the funhouse looking over the new electrical. Looking over. With his fucking headlamp on, looking like Robert De Niro from Brazil. And he's like, do you want me to go check it out? And I'm like, no. No, I don't.

I just want to yell and throw things, and I don't want you to fix it. But I knew you couldn't try to throw an HDMI. So I knew it was pretty safe. I was on Twitter last night, and I went into that same kind of rage. And the only fucking reason that I didn't call you and call you a lot of fucking words that you could have put into a song is because I don't have you in the new phone. You fucking rat.

Stupid. Oh, Bobby Caldwell tonight. I talked to him, and he goes- Wait, I'm a rat? No, no, not youdwell tonight. I talked to him and he goes- Wait, I'm a rat? No, no, not you. I'm not saying the person's name. They're not my new phone. I thought he was talking about Tracy.

I thought he was talking about me. I thought he was talking about you too. No, no. I'm saying I was in that kind of mood. Okay, wow. Like when I came out, I told this story to Bobby Caldwell who's at Notes from the Pen.

Our friend, I talked to him and and podcast few days but pen podcast he would have been on tonight's podcast at 5 15 but the five o'clock pushed to 7 45 uh it's not I didn't uh Bobby I told him this story that I read on Twitter, and he goes, yeah, in the penitentiary, they call that a dry snitch. Someone who accidentally narcs someone out. He goes, but sometimes, you know, they're, oh, I must have dry snitched. Do you know exactly? This was a real dry snitch because no one would be so fucking stupid as to fucking tweet hey thanks for those fucking uh drugs that you made me

yeah if someone's fucking growing shit oh you're yeah you'll never be in my fucking new phone you're a fucking dry snitch all around unbelievable i i went ballistic and that was right before his falling down i go i should not address this and i don't have you in my phone and i'm not gonna fire up that old phone where i have to get on some kind of exercise bicycle to charge it just to make it run for fucking 30 seconds for me to go why would you fucking tweet that hey Jim Smith at 42 fucking Outlook Lane thanks for selling me crack

through that little peep door after I did the secret knock worked out just like you told me to never say to anyone lol what a fucking douche bag I think I might have called someone involved

and said yeah I noticed that too. But what? You can't respond. Yeah. Fucking. Oh, idiots. I tweeted it.

But if you didn't see the tweet, I hired. You're looking for it now. I hired Reverend Derek to fucking hang some fly traps, and he hung them all around the perimeter, but he forgot to put the fucking water in it that activates it. Well, it makes it work. There's two things. Well, it's three things. You hang it up, you open the port, and you put the water in.

And what he had said to you, because he hung them up dry. And then he told you later. Well, no. Once I found it, I never looked at where he hung them up. So when I did check out the first one, I go, there's no trap in the trap. And I called him. I said, did you even read the directions on those? No, but I'll come over in a little while.

So I gave him two hours to come up with an excuse. But you didn't tell him what the problem was? No, I did. Okay. Yeah, but then he came over and he said, no, I just was overheated, so they're easier to put the water in later, and I was going to come back back today and that's why i told

you i know how they work i hung them up at jet lacy's house so i as soon as he walked away i said uh tracy do you think he really ever hung up fly one at jet lacy's are another neighbor friend of ours and uh i go I'll let you pick. And she said, no, he never did. I go, okay, $5. I'll take yes. Fired up the old phone. Easy money, guys.

Get on the Stairmaster and fired up the old phone with a mop top fucking connection. No. No. No. He's never hung up fly amazing so so then i hired castle rock kenny to set off bomb traps in the fucking crawl space after the scorpion bites that we're gonna close on the fogger there's been a a a wrath of fucking scorpion bites. So I go, hey, set off some bomb traps down in the crawl space.

They're both saying they need work. I create work where I could do it myself if it were that important. But yeah, I don't want to do it. So I'll hire you. So Kenny sets off. I'm going to set that one off first so I don't want to do it, so I'll hire you. So Kenny sets off, I'm going to set that one off first so I don't get blasted. I'm like, it's not an explosive. A bug bomb in a crawl space doesn't explode.

It just starts slowly. Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire? Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire? So this isn't a new technology. This is something that's been around since like my dog and I've been babysitting back doors dog when he's at work because otherwise it'll eat his couch. And so me and Bingo and the dogs drove to Sierra Vista and we went through the car wash and we went through some drive-thrus and just drove aimlessly because it says wait four hours before you go back in. Understand, this was just the crawl space I was bombing, but it will weep into the upstairs house, your actual house part of your of your basement area is a storage area but the rest is open to where where you will kill all of those those critters they're built on a hill so the crawl space starts out at a five foot six you could stand in it but you wouldn't want to for

long and then it goes up into a v at the front yeah point being kenny sets off the traps all right then i'll load up the dogs and we're gonna fucking drive around because you're gonna wait four hours so at three hours i opened up all the upstairs windows get it airing out with all the fans on and then i go i'm gonna wait as long as i can i'll wait overnight to open up the crawl space i want shit dead i want every bug dead i want anything green and you've got air circulating upstairs you just don't you want that enclosed area down there to be the last that you open up and then you asked me about uh i would curtain rods and i, fuck. I think they're in that thing. For the fun house, we've got...

Our remodel is about done and we're now looking at window treatments. Yeah, there was one curtain. That curtain should be in here. I brought it in. I went in to look for that. I go, it'd be right in the front. So I'll go down to the crawl space.

I won't have to go in. Three feet from the door. I'm wearing a mask. Conveniently. Yeah. and I go down there I didn't even look for the fucking curtain rod because I saw Kenny never shut the crawlspace door that's the whole point of fucking fumigating you put fucking water in the goddamn fly trap and you shut the door when you're fumigating a room and I'm making up work because they need

it and I'm overpaying them Kenny is still way better than Derek because I told Derek when I go you didn't read the directions on that? You've got to put the water in them. I said, this is before he had time to make up his excuse what we caught him in a blatant lie.

And he goes, I go, you're completely worthless. And he goes, yeah, and it's getting worse. I'm not only a member, I'm the president. So a few weeks ago, Andrew, who worked, he's a friend first. He's a regular on the podcast. We mentioned him. No, actually, Andrew's never been on the podcast. I mean, we mentioned Andrew.

Yeah. Andrew is more than a handyman. He gets a lot of shit done, and he's a great guy. He got stung by a scorpion over here a few weeks back. Yeah, I was stupid. I was just scraping some leaves into a dustpan. They shouldn't be under dry leaves. They like the wet, but he got stung.

Evidently, getting stung by a scorpion fucks you up, because I have never been, because I don't pick up leaves. I hire people that fuck up fly traps so they get stung and they usually deserve it. Then Christine Levine was down, stayed over at the quiet house, got stung several times. Crawled into bed. Yeah.

She was in bed and it woke her up. It will. It will. crawled into bed yeah yeah she was in bed and it woke her up it it will it will someone said how did she get stung like six times at what point i go she's like 350 pounds and when that wakes you up you don't you don't scurry well go on youtube and watch uh any kind of video of a scorpion the way they sting it is uh rapid fucking laser laser point poof poof yeah so there's uh yeah we got him back last night maybe not scorpions but we killed a billion bugs uh she got stung then Chaley the very next day picking up this is why you don't

recycle people Chaley in his fetish of recycling that's not listen how many years

have you had that recycling for cans outside the football door of the funhouse it's working great now that no one's coming here.

Yeah, because only you drink anything out of cans. Me and Tracy are the only, and our other friend who can't be named, they, all three of us do recycle. That wasn't what happened. What happened was I was getting ready to do a podcast and I go, I got just enough time to paint this one thing

that I was getting ready to put up in here i go if i just it's that shelf back there i go i just i really quick and i go oh i don't want to put this on my workbench outside i'll put it on a piece of cardboard and i grab a piece of cardboard there's basically a large box that's been flattened that we used. Was it in the recycling? No. No. It was in the shop. Fuck.

In your face. And we have found scorpions hanging upside down like they want to do, bark scorpions, in that area before. And I was just in a hurry and I grabbed the box, took four steps and went, fuck! Something stabbed me, right? Like so quick. I shook my hand and I looked on the ground

and then like the biggest scorpion I've ever seen is like at least three inches long, flat. Is it bigger than the one? I didn't see the one that I had but the one that we saw the other night Tracy and I,

the one we killed since then. That was pretty big. We're pretty sure it was yours. We're assuming that was. Thank you. We got the right person. The initial sting was like if I put my hand down and you pushed a pin in like right next to my nail bed. Right.

That is a ring finger in my left hand. And I shook it. right? That, that is a ring finger on my left hand. And I shook it. And then I saw him just scurry away, which is in the 24 hours after being stung by a scorpion, you learn a lot about scorpions.

And that is what they do. They, they do that. They, they're not going to kill you. Mostly. They're going to just do that to get away. And then it's,

they're basically COVID. If you're a fucking 90 year old person with a heart condition that if i would have had a mask it would probably kill you it would not have it would have bounced off i immediately it will only kill the most i went right into the into our bathroom and grabbed uh two benadryl. Yep. And downed them. Found out that doesn't really do anything. Unless you're allergic. That's very true. But after that, then I went upstairs to you guys. And then I started freaking out.

And then I could feel. 10, 15 minutes. Five minutes after, I was up with you guys. And I could feel that. I could feel something happening from the tip of my finger immediately. Oh, you were talking, when you were explaining this in the moment. Yeah. Where you, I felt, I'm feeling it going up my forearm and it's getting close to my armpit.

You were on the phone with Bobby Caldwell from prison. Oh, no, he had called you and we were talking about it. Yeah, he was on speakerphone, but we had to interrupt the conversation. There was a numbness that was going up. And then Darren was like, hold your hand over your head. It slows. And I'm like, and I, I start to do it. And I'm like, I'm listening to this guy.

He can't even fucking fill up a bag full of water. Right. So I pull it down. He goes, Oh, come here. And I was like, don't, don't, don't. And so I'm feeling this, this thing. And I was like, don't, don't, don't. And so I'm feeling this thing. And it's really, it's an odd thing to feel something crawling up your arm and not knowing, like, what the fuck is going on.

And all I'm thinking in my head is, this is traveling towards my heart, right? Thinking, once again, that this is traveling to the bloodstream. It's a neurotoxin it doesn't it doesn't this is going into your nerve endings and this is what's that and that's why my finger is still numb to this day is in four days five days like five days later it's i still have to check it to make sure my finger isn't cut from from like doing wiring here in the funhouse i have to keep looking at it because i can't feel anything on the tip of that finger around the nail like leprosy i can't feel uh if you have an electrician's

license you've been dead for years but as this thing started to go up then i started to feel faint and then i didn't know because i i've been told i was allergic to bees, but there's really no test unless you get stuck by bees. And then all of a sudden, I could feel like I was going to vomit or, or I could feel something was going to happen. Right. And then I sat down in one of the chairs at the table on the patio and that was it.

I went, I went completely out. Yeah. You were saying, I feel faint. Yeah. I went completely out. Yeah, you were saying, I feel faint. Yeah. I better sit down. This is fucked. And then what looked to me like you were, because it was off of this back and forth. It wasn't like a period before you went out.

You had just said something and then you started doing this kooky face like this is how bad this hurts. Like you're fucking with us. Like an example. Yeah. Like if you were doing a caricature over the top on a Saturday night live sketch where you go, oh, I'm passing out. I'm Chris Kattan. I'm channeling Chris Kattan for a minute. The dead one.

Farley. Yeah. If you Farley. And even Kenny thought, yeah, he's just fucking with us. Cause you're just talking and then make a kooky face, but you were unconscious tilting over.

And I jumped up and thank you on issues with Andy. You go and Doug's off somewhere. And another, I didn't know what was going on. The thing that freaked me out was that when I woke up, I'm like, oh great. I'm going to die in front of Kenny and Derek.

Two guys who didn't move. I passed out and those two guys didn't move. Kenny, Kenny, Kenny went to do a, try to do a 40 point turn on the Suburban to take you to the hospital. Gonna rush me over there. There's other cars out there.

That's why I wanted the ambulance, because, come on. There's one parked right here in the patio. I was the only one fucking touching you. I know. You said I wasn't even in the goddamn room. You know, that's how weird it was. When I went out, it it's like uh it's called a hypogonic jerk it's like when you when you're going in like a twilight when like you're

sleep like after like a trip to fame when you have to turkey dinner or something and you didn't nod out you when you're tired or when you're sort of going into a sleep, there's this reaction that you're – Did you learn this from your narcolepsy or a scorpion sting? Yes, narcolepsy. All right. You go into this thing called a hypogonic – is it hypogonic? Yeah. They'll look it up.

Anyway, it's this thing where you go and you're like, whoa, what? And you go out. That's what it was. I slipped into something so quick and then coming out of it was crazy. I felt like I was on, if you strapped yourself to the big wheel on Price is Right, right? Spinning, right?

But your head is going like up. That's what I was experiencing right before I woke up was i was going up and like my feet would go up over first and then my head would come up so i was spinning and then right before i saw your face doug it was like i was coming out of the deep end of the pool and then out of water like and then your face there, and I don't even remember what I said or what happened. That sounds a lot like my DMT trip. I was going to say that sounds like some heavy drugs.

But the first thing you said, and this is five in the afternoon, it's broad daylight, and all of a sudden, oh, fuck, this is real. And by then, Tracy had already called 911. Poison control. She was on with poison control and then we realized you're not conscious and she goes i gotta go i gotta call 9-1-1 leaving and my phone won't call 9-1-1 i'm like somebody call 9-1-1 my phone's not working

thanks google phi i was giving you mouth to mouth and then i you know with a heaping of sanitizer because I don't know where you've been you don't know no I got it yeah so I I was squirting no uh no I was with you and then when you came out of it you said where am I like wow he was fucking really out where am I was your first question and then you know, no, cancel 911. I'm going to be good. And you were immediately better. Yeah. When I decided to call poison control,

it was because I was looking at you, you were very pale, and your lips had started turning blue. But then when he started to come out of it. I was trying a new shade. He flushed so much. Oh, yeah, he went real red. Yeah. In seconds, you just went, woo just went like you know when you're

drunk and you're trying to get a boner and you can only squeeze the base of it but that works for the head it's happening right now i feel the same way about you oh yeah and then uh the thing that was freaking me out was, well, it's all the knowledge you get. And then you have to go, is this a credible site? But then we went to Banner University. Banner Health. Banner Health. And that was the one when Bingo was out there and everything.

So it's a little bit, well, you know what? Especially in this time and day and age, go with the scientists. Go with the people who are like medical staff. I mean, that's the one I went with. I didn't go JennyKnowsScorpions.com. You know, that is one of the things. There's been enough scorpion bites in the 15 years I've been here.

Stings. Bingo tells me, don't say bites, you sound stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stings. All right if you say it uh everyone tells you you go to the hospital there's nothing they can do in the first hour if you have a an allergic reaction you're gonna know it and it's it's very rare but if if it is one of those things that and that's what was freaking me out was like i don't

know at the time uh i i'm under the impression that i'm allergic to bees i don't know i think that's just my mom said he has a he has a reaction to bees that's and that may have been you know that's followed me question everything even your own. But the pain did not, the Banner Medical was talking about the antihistamines, the Benadryl, doesn't really help. And don't use ice to numb the pain, which is exactly what I was doing, because it feels great. But when you pull the ice off of that. It's worse.

It makes it worse. And I think that's why. Burns are the same way. Just it's worse it makes it worse and i think that's why things are the same way just keep ice on it then well what happens is is that then now you've got your hand in ice for as long as it's hurting mine didn't stop for 12 hours and it usually stops within three to five all right uh the the the scorpion bites i remember, aside from bingo, when we first moved here, put on a pair of my fucking underwear to go check the mail.

And there was a scorpion inside the underwear and it stung her six times around the vag, didn't hit the vag. Why are you so concerned with her wearing your underwear that you put a scorpion in there? So weird. It was before Saks. Now Saks I would understand sax now sax i would understand i think sax come with two scorpions keep people out of it yeah

they're called the roommate pair but uh both uh like a shawnee i remember getting bitten he said the same thing don't be be an idiot. Not bitten. Oh, stung. Yeah. When he was building the metal palm trees. And, well, he's building some. It was back when he was drinking. And so, yeah, he gave him Benadryl and all the tequila he could drink. Did the same thing with Andrew when he got stung a few weeks, a month ago.

Tequila. And that's what I kept saying to you. I get a bottle of Patron. I'm saving. Just do some. And you were, no, I have to monitor my body to see what's. You did a smart. I don't want to be drunk trying to figure out what's going on.

Yeah, but you feel less. Well, when you're shit-faced, yeah, I'll do a full body fucking tattoo. I'll get a sleeve. I don't feel anything. That's absolutely not true. It's the opposite. It hurts a hell of a lot. Listen, I've had things done to me when I was drunk that I wouldn't do sober.

Shaley, burned the sheets. Oh, I bet that's a quote. That's in my notes. I'll close on that. I got a real quick shout out though for Mike's dick. Don't forget about that. Yeah, no, that's where we're going. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Okay. We got to be careful. You don't want to start no trouble with another comedy crew you know it's like there's a lot like a lot of comics you don't have anything to do but then it's like we still are good at feuding with each other and if you like we should be a crew we could go like we're gonna be the issues with andy crew and recruit a few other guys or whatever. Then, and then, and then listen to other podcasts and then find something they say negative about us.

And then I light it, call, go at them and threaten physical violence. You know, it's like, we, I, it might be a ratings blitz,

but then we're going to have to always be looking out for other comedy crews. Hey everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson from the issues with Andy podcast. Uh, we love you killer termites and we hope you'll tune in and check us issues with Andy on YouTube.

Yeah. It's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a bot podcast? You're right for once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodka,

which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka. If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday. Andy, yeah, you keep listening and watching or however you do it, and we'll keep shitting.

Is there another beer? If not, I'll take a rum and coke. No, there's Coors Light in the fridge. No, we grabbed those already. I already took a rum and coke. I'll get you a rum and coke. Rum and coke, please. Got it. So, Christine Levine stung.

Andrew stung. You 911 crazy stung. Oh, 911, crazy stung. Oh, that's what I was going to say. When Shawnee got stung, he said the same thing. He goes, it feels like I'm on acid. Then I got him drinking tequila. Then he felt like he was drunk on acid. Is that good?

You're saying the same thing. You had a DMT trip. I'll tell you what, if I could do everything except have that 12 hours of pain, I would do that drug again. Well, that's why we talk to kids. This is how we get rid of scorpions.

Get the UV light where you can find them, scope them out, and then get stung by them. It's the new smoking banana peels. The new licking frogs. Yes, the new licking frogs. Get stung by a scorpion, see God, then get off my property. You already signed the waiver.

Excruciating pain for 12 hours. Oh, and the thing is the Benadryl won't hurt you. This is the thing I found out. Don't do the ice. Do a cool compress. That will help. But the Benadryl will make you drought makes me drowsy i take two benadryl and i go to sleep right like we do like like it's the the alternate

to sleep i'm sorry i'm only laughing because when you came out of it kenny said hey do you want a cold compress for your head because you're and you you said, yeah, actually that'd be good. And I was frantic and I ran it under the cold water that was cold for the faucet. Yeah. And I brought it out to you and you go, thanks for making it nice and warm, which it was. Yeah.

Oh, you said that to Kenny. Yeah. And I go, no, I blame you. So the Benadryl, what it does is it will make me drowsy. So then I could manage the pain that way to where I would fall off.

And it put me 48 hours behind on what we were doing here in the funhouse and everything because it fucked me up pretty good and like I said I still can't that tip of my finger is still numb like you play with the gums around a tooth that you get done it's not going to stop you

from living your life but it is a weird thing that I have to keep looking down and make sure it's not going to stop you from living your life, but it is a weird thing that I have to keep looking down and make sure it's not bleeding. And the one up, if you don't listen to Issues with Andy, it's not even... And most of you don't. It's Prisoner Mike. We did an early podcast, Prison Guard versus Prisoner.

He was Prison Mike. That's why we still call him. We did two of those. Oh, yeah. versus prisoner. He was prison Mike. That's why we still call him. We need two of those. He's always on the Twitch stream. Follow

HDFatty and they do the Twitch stream just to fuck around mostly. Twitch at HD underscore Fatty. No, go to Chad's Twitter. His Twitter.

It's the pin tweet. Yeah. So after we tell a story about Chaley, Prisoner Mike says, yeah, the night before I was sleeping naked and got stung on the head of my dick. Not on my dick, on the head of my dick. Ladies, if you're, that's like,

no, he didn't sting you in the vagina he stung you in the clit a robust clit bulbous how how would you wanting clit it's like there's more nerve endings there i think then i tweeted And I don't think anyone responded. It's too late now. But I tweeted about him saying, because he tweeted that any, like the agony, days. You say 12 hours, he's days. A little more sensitive.

Yeah. I don't know if he can feel it. I catch a baseball with his hand. He's had a lot less use down there. I mean, you know. Well, if it's still numb like you slept on it and fell asleep, it's a bad day for a young kid like that. So I tweeted something fucked up, like the old hashtag sky candy thing we did on Jeff Beamish in the weather. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like, oh, he says blood flow is agonizing. Any change in blood flow in his penis. And I implored people to don't, whatever you do, send erotic pictures to his Twitter account that might give him a boner. But I don't think anyone did. There was just a couple, like, people sent, like, a couple topless dudes, like fat dudes. All right. I didn't really follow up on it.

They could have done better. I'm staying away from the Twitter as much as I can and the news as much as I can and the news as much as i can because one asshole is enough to set you off but since the uh new book is out and i'm proud of it oh i thought that was a ding that every time i mentioned the book that's it No, I just got a message from someone who saw Tracy's tweet about the new setup, like the mics. Wait, we're on. Oh, you took a picture. Tracy took it.

Yeah, she said she asked if it was OK to tweet it. And then Fanny out in New York said, like, it's pretty sweet. Which is, yeah, we haven't talked about it. The Funhouse is about 95% done. Yeah, and thank you for everyone who's participating in the weekly eBay yard sales. I think there's one or

two that we didn't even say it on the podcast. The last one is doing fucking fantastic and we didn't talk about it. It'll be done by the time this goes out, but it's the... Well, the Curse of Lano book?

Curse of Lano, yeah. Yeah, that's a... It's up there. That's a collector's item if it was in good shape. I don't know if she put this in the listing. I was very honest. Alex asked to borrow it. The binding was fine.

He's like, oh, you have a copy of that? Can I read it? But the binding was so fucked that in order to read it, you have to ruin it. It's called acceptable. eBay has these listings, and then you choose the condition of the book. It's the lowest. Ours is the lowest. It's called acceptable, which means there is words printed on paper.

It's the only fucking Hunter S. Thompson you're going to get autographed by Doug Stample. Yes, true. And that, if you can add that to the listing, do it. No, no. Everything's in there. Everything's in there. I think we're going to have to relist the jacket, though. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I guess someone, the first eBay yard sale was a fucking, I actually felt bad for it. That's a good one. The gentry suit. So, but that's before we had all the problems, you had all the problems with shipping. The winner was international. So you even stopped doing international merch orders.

Yes. Our mail's fucked up enough. Much less international can take months. They won't take payments if you buy it. This is so weird. You can buy it with an international account, but you can't pay for it on eBay. So it'll be worked out by the time you guys are hearing this. It'll either be up there or he will have paid for it,

and then we'll just go on from there. But the next one coming up is the... I just want to say, I don't begrudge you, but we only do one of these a week. There's a guy that's been selling two Doug Stanhope jackets from years ago, my eBay yard sales, and it says for charity, and it's a charity that's Innocence Project. That's not what we're selling.

He's asking if you see something 750 dollars those have been up there for a million years oh he's got a right sorry on him or something yeah it's starting bid is 750 dollars which we might have sold it for but he ain't yeah so yeah don't don't confuse those two jackets he has up with us ours if you want to see what's available you can either go seller what what's what's the seller stanhope underscore podcast all right so yeah there you go and in the show notes i'll always have the the actual what's available this week all right and the one coming up this week is the you want to talk about it what what's this oh we have the beer taps that are gonna go i thought we were gonna do the football

oh yeah football helmets we gotta do anything football related so let's do that one now yeah all right i and all right this is a heartfelt apology to everyone that was named when we redid the fun house years ago we sold all the full-size football helmets put your name on a plaque because you paid for the remodel but now that we've remodeled again we're selling the entire well what we did is we traded out the full-size helmets for a small case of the gumball machine helmets in a beautiful case built for them with the plaque of all the people who initially so you that wins that auction are the new sponsor and you can put all those old sponsors and you carry on the legacy of people who sponsor shit when we need to fix the electronics and repaint this place so do you see how you are saving humanity i was talking about what i wanted to close on. That sounded like you edited it

because I went right into it. Yeah, you went... That sounds like a beautiful edit. All right. But if you want to check out what's for sale this week on the eBay weekly yard sale, go to Stanhope underscore podcast on eBay and check it out.

Or just go to the show notes at DougStanhope.com slash podcast. I called the fucking, I've called a lot of people about this fucking cocksucker next door. To the funhouse. Yeah. He's got fucking, I didn't realize there's thorns

in those fucking branches coming over my goddamn fence. And I don't want to be a Hatfield or a McCoy so the fucking the building guide that's who they put me through building inspector he doesn't

return my call because you know COVID or you called with a landscape complaint like a neighbor's, I don't know who to call. I called city hall. Hey, the neighbor's fucking shit is fucking up my satellite dish.

It's I DVR a movie. And it's like, am I watching this during a monsoon? Cause that's the only time my shit goes out. No, you got fucking pricker bushes coming from that fucking asshole swampland next door so uh i say well fucking who's his boss city manager she's very nice and uh i talked to her she said his name is this he's from washington. I go, yeah, but I don't...

She goes, well, if you call him... Like, I don't have his fucking phone number. He's some guy that bought a fucking plot of land next to me that he doesn't take care of. It's a fucking fire hazard. He's got shit growing over into my fucking... onto my deck with prickers on it. Like, he's doing it on purpose to make it even worse that you're going to be next door to me.

So she says, well, I'll try to find a phone number. And you can get his permission to cut it down. I'm like, no, I'm not going to do his landscaping. I don't need his permission. You clean up your fucking lot. Yeah. So she says, I'll call you back if I can find a phone number.

She sends a postcard. A Bisbee postcard. A beautiful town. This is as inept as this fucking situation is. Yeah, I could go cut the fucking tree down. He's not going to complain. But it's growing through three different wires that cross the property, which I don't know what those wires go to. I don't know if it's fucking electrical and cable.

Yeah, I'll chop down the tree myself. And I'll admit to it like fucking George Washington as though it had cherries in the fucking thing. Yeah, and I'll admit to it like fucking George Washington as though it had cherries in the fucking thing. Yeah, and I'll admit to it. And meanwhile, the fucking neighborhood has no power electric because it's grown through the fucking wires. She sends me a postcard and beautiful handwriting. Doug, I have mailed a request to the person in Washington asking him to contact you, R.E. the tree,

with a kind of smiley face signature. A postcard. She sat down and filled out a postcard. It's 35 cents for a postcard? Hey, Doug, that would be a note your girl hey doug that would be a note your girlfriend would write you when she left early for work and said your lunch is in the fridge i love you see you at movie night tonight at seven and mail it days enough early to get it the day of i wish like her like you think my signature is illegible at least i have both the d and the s in it she just has like a j that's but it's her beautiful j i know i don't

that's so awesome i would i would say her name as a plug to fucking that small town life that's why people are fleeing cities i I did all those podcasts I did were either LA or New York. And they say, yeah, people are just fleeing the city. They're saying the city is dead. What do you think? I hope they both fucking die. So is it illegal? Like, take me five minutes to trim this over here. Am I not allowed to cut his bush that's in our yard? Well, you could probably cut the parts that come over our fence. But no, that's his fucking problem. You don't just buy something and, oh, I'm not there to deal with it.

No, I'm going to go through fucking proper channels. I have so much free time. I'm going to learn fucking local city ordinances for building. I'm going to go to fucking law school. Yeah. I don't want to go back on the road. When I talked to Rogan,

Rogan's like, if I fly you to Austin, will you be the first guest on my podcast? I'm like, wait, he wants you to be the first? Oh, no. That's his comedy club. But he wants me to be on first oh no that's his comedy club but he wants me to be on the podcast when he gets it built and he calls me he goes if I flew you out would you come because

he knows I'm a stay-at-home dad now yeah of my own fucking insecurities and no kids yeah I go no but I drive because I would I'm looking for reasons to go. I want to take a million vacations just listening to fucking books on tape. If you pay me, I'll say your name. You know, I'm going to. That's the fucked up thing. Audible, their agency fired us. We were Audible.

The ad agency that A audible hired to book. We did a fucking commercial for audible. You want to do this? Yeah, I do. All right. So it just, it just seems so terrible.

A commercial that, you know, so I did my own commercial that was way better about how audible books fucking saved my fucking sanity and my, you know, living out of the car on the road. Like, yeah, that gave me. It's a very personal experience. Yeah. And the ad agency fired us.

just like Brooklyn and Sheets, if the owners ever saw the ads, Brooklyn and Sheets, I saw as one of the funniest parts of the podcast we've ever done. It's like making up these fake commercials and I go, oh, this shit writes itself. It's like once we had the template and we got fired.

And you know, if the owners of Brooklyn and Sheets or Audible heard the commercials that we got fired. And you know, if the owners of Brooklyn and Sheets or Audible heard the commercials that we got fired for doing, yeah, we'd be fucking... This is important. If you listen to the new Audible book, I say, not knowing I segued perfectly. That's a fucking brilliant twist of fate.

What's that? That I was just bitching about Audible. And then I realized what I had to say was about Audible. Spencer Sloan says, just finished No Encore for the Donkey. Great book and a great song to end it. I stayed later than I wanted to at work today just to finish it. Thanks for all you do to keep us entertained in the cubicle world. Thank you.

I love that fucking. Oh, that's what I stole. Staying longer at work is like showing up early to work and listening to the rest of Howers turn into the break we've done it yes I can tell you exactly what podcast we've done it with

the pulled into no no no it was oh no it was a podcast with Rogan and Jamie Kilstein that's right. I remember it was some Midwest shithole where we pulled in and I pause it. And hopefully we can't check in because we're too early. And we were.

And then we got to drive around. We drove around. Yeah. Which is one of my favorite memories of being on time or early and saying, let's kill some time. And driving around and listening to anything, anything and not having to go back into a hotel room. Chrissy Mayer, I told you the first podcast I did this morning was Chrissy Mayer, comedian out of New York. And she opened by reading a five-star review for her and saying, I'm going to read all the cool ones. And she said it came back up later.

I brought it back up as a callback. She goes, yeah, I do that so people leave five-star reviews. I go, yeah, I know I'm going to steal that from you. So if you leave a five-star review for anything, from you so if you leave a five-star review for anything email us that five-star review at stanhope podcast at gmail is that it yeah stanhope podcast at gmail is uh the email address uh associated with this and i answer everything that's send us a screenshot of that on amazon so we can fact check that you actually put it. Or you can go to Patreon. If you're a subscriber to Patreon, I answer all of the questions on there as well.

I'm going to give you fucking turds a little bit of coaching. Wait, wait. What are you doing here? When you write a five-star review, don't act like you listen to the fucking podcast. Just write like, I've read literature for the entire 17 months of my incarceration. No, just write a real review. Don't act.

Don't write it like, I'm doing this as a goof. Hey, James wrote a review. You want to hear it? Which James? Inman or Twyman? No, James from Patreon. He wrote a review of your incredible book.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah, go ahead. Out of the haze and melatonin. Melancholy. Melancholy. Fucking drunk. and melatonin melancholy fucking drunk out of a haze and melancholic debauchery

yes Tracy read this Tracy oh my god I was gonna do that tonight weird fucking word melancholy melancholic melancholic is that it I throw in another syllable that you turned a thing into a thing.

This is James. One's an adverb. From James. Out of the haze and melancholic debauchery that was 2016 for Doug Stanhope, the coal of his soul and memory is pressured with hindsight and empathy to create a diamond of a book.

A tale of personal failure, compassion, interconnectedness, and the failures of our healthcare system, this book will leave the reader with a deeper understanding of not only the Stanhope clan, but of themselves. His best book yet. I know who that is.

I almost guarantee that is MindDogTV guy that I just did. Oh, really? The fact that he mentions health care and mental health care. Yeah, I bet that's MindDogTV guy. See, that's a review. Don't go, kill the termites rule. I haven't listened to it, but anything Stan Hope says is fucking. Yeah.

Oh, you want to hear something dark? Eric Carr says, I just finished There's No Encore for the Donkey and I needed to congratulate Doug on writing such an incredible book. I have a daughter who spent months in ICU and the book captured everything so well. As a fan of the podcast for years,

I was excited to have many unfinished stories come together. This was so incredibly well done, and it ended with the perfect line followed by Bingo's beautiful song, which I have listened to 20 times. Thank you. That's Eric Carr. We have to tell Bingo.

Yeah, that she got mentioned. Yeah. You know what? Anytime you compliment Bingo, you have no idea what just a good word that Bingo reads or sees saves her mental health. Because she has been really basically quarantined.

She stays at the quiet house and she's not like us where... The scorpion house? Wait, wait, that's not, we've had more bites here than there. That is true. Yeah. Wait, who, oh yeah. Oh, she goes, yeah, but it's still alive.

All right. I'm getting off topic. I get it. Listen, stay with me on this. We're at an hour and 48 by the way oh good i did like two and a half with uh carmen morales remember shaving her arms johnny depp's house that was quotes i've been i if you if you listen to the book oh here's uh the the audible book no encore for the donkey that's the title we have an exclusive with audible for six months then it will be out in print if there is a demand so well where can i

get a regular copy in february you're still gonna be sitting in the same seat going when's this shit going to be over February it gives you something to look forward to flip your calendar a couple pages and mark it so please I've been saying yeah if you see a good quote tweet it yeah with a link

to get in the book that's how you can help fucking Johnny Depp since 2016. And I go into length about all that shit I couldn't talk about in 2016 because I was being sued by Amber Heard. Yeah, I put it all in the book. So if you hashtag Johnny depp and find all those johnny depp people that have been imploring me for my side of the story tell them it's available here with a link hashtag depp donuts i was supposed to is that a thing someone referred to them negatively as depp donuts just like the killer termites Depp Donuts are the same as

killer termites someone in the press referred to them negatively the same way they referred to our hardcore fans as killer termites and they adopted it and I was I remember it was last year when I was I was up in Tucson

house sitting I got a Depppp donut hey and i said oh i thought it was a spider too sorry sorry there's a giant i'm a little jumpy that just arachnids and uh so so i i wrote down in my notes uh give a shout out in the book to Depp Donuts. And I didn't. But now I'm doing it on my podcast. Yeah. Everyone for four years that asked me, it's in the fucking book.

So please find those fucking Depp Donuts. Hashtag Johnny Depp. It's so fucking weird. I actually bought the book. People dedicate their entire profile to an actor johnny depp is a very cool dude but when your twitter profile i'm just saying it's fucking weird to me i appreciate you having this back uh but it's fucking weird to me so hey i uh i actually bought the book because i've so did i i wanted to hear it like i wanted to hear the end result it's like it's uh in uh at microsoft my sister-in-law used

to work at microsoft they would dog food software meaning that they wouldn't release it to the public they would release it internally so that the developers and everyone would like interns everyone they would work on that software like work it like try it out and they would dog food it meaning they would eat the dog food to make sure all right no one's dying and i wanted to wait do you said you bought it Do you mean you listened to it? I bought it and I listened to like a part of it just to hear the audio part of it. I want to listen to the whole thing, but I need, I want to listen to the whole thing like in a couple swaths.

I don't want to go to Sierra Vista and listen to 30 or 27 minutes of it, right? I want to go to Phoenix and listen to three hours yeah right and that's coming up so i'm gonna do that but i want i was really nervous about because we're we did this online with chelsea and brian was the guy who put it together which i think he did a fantastic job of like making those pauses and like interpreting like how like if you say something 10 times in a fucking row he picks the best one but then he has to figure out how to place that one thing out of 10 next to the thing before it and the thing after it which i thought was done really well and everything sounds good and i'm happy with it so not that anyone cares but but I care. Tell us your thoughts.

If listening to, I can't listen to my own voice. Anyone who's in it, I need some fucking retweets. So if you listen to it, not only tweet, if you find a quote, I like that because I don't know what I said. Or you don't know what made it. But if when I'm like Kreischer, there's a lot of shit about Kreischer. I have some really good lines about Kreischer in it. Tweet quotes at people that I'm talking about. And tweet at Kreischer. Because'm talking about and tweet at Kreischer

because I wouldn't even I wouldn't even ask fucking Kreischer to be on his podcast I did four podcasts only because they asked me to uh so yeah yeah Kreischer I want to be on your podcast to promote the book

what about Bill Burr nah I'd never ask Bill Burr for anything that's in the book would you want to be on your podcast to promote the book what about bill burr no i'd never ask bill burr for anything that's in the book would you want to be on his podcast though no no i actually when i was the only time i was on his podcast i that was after that devastating night of cocaine at the fucking manson ranch wait weren't we swimming in his pool in Tucson not his pool our we were at a hotel and he was you guys were talking about the Zipsies the Zerseys

oh yeah Bill Burr yeah yeah it was after coming off of we had that Airbnb in Hollywood yeah and I oh fuck and the first thing I said on Bill Burr's podcast as I remember is Airbnb in Hollywood. Yeah. And I, oh, fuck. And the first thing I said on Bill Burr's podcast, as I remember is if anyone hates me for being here, I would too.

Cause I hate when Bill Burr has a guest. I just want to hear Bill Burr. So I had the same hatred I would have for myself, but I had a lot of, uh, uh, that was a good podcast podcast though you wouldn't listen to it but i listened to it i told you what i thought of it yeah as we were swimming in a shitty hotel pool at outside of the tucson airport our outgo as far as money is uh a lot more than our income since COVID.

We're not starving. We're doing way better than you guy that's fucking working at UPS with a mask and you're a faggot for wearing a mask. They make me wear a mask. I fucking... While all you guys are dealing with that shit, we are in a very safe environment because of you.

And I don't ever forget it until I do. And then I want to yell at someone for sending me a shitty fucking tweet. After I said, have a good night. I hope you're doing well. Fuck you. I hope you're doing shit. You suck. That's how we're ending it no no

I had fucking the rest of this I'm trying to sell my book through fucking the means of the killer termites yes fucking tweeted at Depp heads as though you're one of them because I can't go hey

all you Depp heads would buy this book if I would promote it like that. I can't promote, hey, here's the fucking story you've been begging me for for fucking four years. But you, the listener, can. Yeah. Tweet a fucking quote about someone like Bert Kreischer at Bert Kreischer to remind him, hey, retweet the fucking thing. I'm not going to say, hey, I did. Rogan, when he said, hey, well, if I fly you out there, will you come?

I go, no, but I'll drive. Really? You do that? What is that? I go, 14 hours. He goes, you do that? I go, yes. Easy.

I want a reason to fucking drive for 14 hours. I've been here for six months. Hold on a second. Does he not know that we drive everywhere on tour? Like the last year, my airfare for my taxes for 2019, my airfare was like $300. I even drove up to Boise to do ghost ride stuff. There was no, I had no airfare

I think I don't even think I flew to LA to do comedy store stuff I got an email from my accountant because I don't I don't

they delayed taxes but this is a corporation taxes so I don't and she's like, I just wanted to double check on these missing checks. It's like it's three checks. She just wanted to verify who they went to. And I just looked at the email without even clicking on it.

I just see the beginning, just need to double check on these checks. And I'm like, taxes is still a thing? Yeah. You still do that? I thought we're all dead. No one leaves their house.

We shoot zombies, right? Taxes? Okay. And then I looked them up and I sent off the answer. Someone's working. Yeah, you. off the answer. Someone's working.

Yeah, you. Fortunately, there were checks that you filled in. Yard work. You are so horrible. Four hours. Picked up three bricks. Eight old Frisbees that Kenny brought.

Never retrieved. You just write someone's name and like not even their business and I'm like god damn it when you were filling in the check for fucking

mop top today I go I cause I had just written a check for some guy that shows up

that you hired he goes yeah just we've the painting or the roof I don't know and when

cause I know I sloppily filled that out with like some cryptic thing i'll never remember and then when you filled out the next check i told tracy i'm gonna start writing purposefully writing in the checkbook. 2019 or 20. Some dude. Weird hair. Jay Spicoli. Just something that you go. Picked up trash.

But just believable enough that when you go to write a proper check you go the last check he wrote was for some guy picking up that thing that's all he wrote not an amount this one says tied my shoe yeah whatever that guy from the party said he could do it hey let's end on this hey Doug I'm not sure I'm done oh sorry yeah

I gotta it's another Patreon thing oh good but it's funny well I don't know it's funny but we'll end on this oh Sam Talent

no that's why I wrote that down okay so Sam Talent is this long enough for me to wrote that down. Okay, so Sam Talent. Is this long enough for me to go pee? I've pushed the book enough. Yeah, yeah, go piss. Running the Light by Sam Talent.

Not only have I been whoring this book, I'm whoring it enough. He's doing the audible version. And we're doing it for free because it's that good. All the response I've gotten. It's one thing to sell a book I've learned, but to have people read it, I would bet that 85% of the people that bought any book I've written have actually read it.

They have it sitting up there and they're going to get to it. And then they, can you do audible version? I don't read. And now I just do audible exclusive. And now if they don't listen, they'd rather read because they're sitting at home. the read because they're sitting at home uh so sam what we're doing chrysler's in jackie cation's in it's 11 chapters this this is so awkward uh he's got uh we're 11 comics going to each read a chapter. What we need is bigger comics than me and Bert Kreischer.

And like we were talking about earlier, I'm not calling anyone. But if you know someone, if you're Bert Kreischer and you know someone, I talked to Sam Talent. He'd kick a few people out for some names that will sell that book. It's that good. And I've yet to have someone.

As much as I've oversold it, all I'm getting for responses from people who did read it is, I thought you were overselling it. Oh, it lived up. I've not. Have you finished it, Tracy? Oh, it lived up. I've not. Have you finished it, Tracy?

I've not heard of anyone who's read it who hasn't been glowing. Like, come on. Glowing. When did I glow about a book? I don't glow about my own book. Why would you? There's no reason to. Although this last one is definitively the best. You know what?

I have to tell you. This last one is definitively the best. You know what? I have to tell you, the response that I've been reading on Amazon reviews and stuff like that and then Twitter is awesome because I heard so much of the book

while you were writing it and things that have been going on and then you purposely saying things to make us uncomfortable. I get it. That's what you have to do. But stepping outside of that and seeing what other people say about it is really nice. It came up on the podcast I did today.

Dave Weasel, Chrissy Mayer, MindDogTV, and Carmen Morales, who I didn't know has not only been to the fun house with anthony decimito uh she's the one i shaved her arms at fucking johnny depp's house that was all that same year she was here she was there she's the one i she was roast battling with brett erickson and asked me for dirt and I just told her a sea of lies and then told Brett Erickson the lies I sent her so he could respond to them in kind.

Yeah. That was like two hours and 20 minutes. I was so happy to talk to someone. I'm dead for a week at least. I get this documentary thing that's gonna happen but yeah like all the people that contacted me about doing podcasts Dale Dudley I hope we didn't have one scheduled Dudley and Bob were fucking legends in the Austin day and now they got moved

to I don't know if he's doing a podcast and afternoons. But yeah, I want to do his thing. And he's supposed to get back to me. But the end of this week, tomorrow is recovery. And then that documentary thing that I don't know what part I have in it anymore. I'm just going to be here. I'm not going to be here on Wednesday. Is that right?

Where are you? We're going to Phoenix did you fucking check with you the schedule who's filling in for you did you ask someone there's a guy oh I guess I forgot to shut the latch

I'll stay if you need me to no I don't I don't know what time it's gonna be here but yeah that's exciting uh let's wrap this up i want to yeah we're done that's it salmon we'll read the uh patreon stuff later uh if you if you if you want to subscribe to patreon you get an extra podcast a month and uh if you're at the dollar level you get audio if you're at the dollar level, you get audio. If you're at the, above that, she's coming in, above that. Well,

just, she can scroll down. I'll answer Patreon. No, no, we're done. All right. I got them all.

Hey, Patreon people, you're not as important as salmon. No, I'm saying right now, if you, if you, if you subscribe to Patreon above the dollar level. Greg Chaley.

Sorry. now if you if you if you subscribe to patreon above the dollar level sorry he's doing it tracy i'm doing it whenever you finally edit this podcast i want you to put it out an hour and a half late i was trying to make a joke but i did it in the middle of him trying to pimp Patreon. And I realized, oh, this is an important thing. Yeah. I've done several drugs and had alcohol. Several? Several, several.

One drug several times. No, two. One drug twice. At 10 a.m., you were pausing the podcast you were on to mix drinks. I didn't pause it. I mixed drinks in the middle of the fucking thing. Some of them I was- I stand corrected.

Some of them, I'm doing them through the Zoom. How does someone get in touch with you to get you on their podcast because they listen to your book? Oh, shit. You know what I was going to say? I think that crazy is gone. You should put the contact page back up on the website. I'm cutting that part out.

No, no. I've been meaning to tell you that for months. Casey said the same. How does someone get in touch with you, Doug, if they have read or listened to your book on Audible, no encore for the donkey, and they want you to be on their podcast because everyone has a podcast.

Well, it would be through the contact page on my website. Oh, shit. You're right. See? No, you got to leave all that in now. I got it. I got it. Yeah.

Let's do it. Because it doesn't give away my email address to a crazy. Let's go eat some salmon. I want to eat your salmon. Oof. Take us out of here, Scorpion. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.