The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#426: Prison Script Review with Bobby Caldwell (40 for 40 - Day 26)

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Day 26 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking). The realities of prison rape and a script review when Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell calls in to the FunHouse.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 22nd, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Thank You to our sponsor BetterHELP.com. Get 10% OFF you first month by visiting our sponsor BetterHelp.com/stanhope.Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set.If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello, this is a prepaid call from... It's Bobby. A prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections, Parnell Facility. If you feel you are being victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GTL Customer Service at 855-466-2832.

To accept this call, press 0. To refuse this call, your current balance is $27.39. This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL.

Hello, Douglas. Celebrity net worth $27 and change. How are you, sir? I'm all right. I need richer, richer friends, apparently. $27.

I'm doing all right. How you doing? I think I can double friends, apparently. $27. I'm doing all right. How are you doing? I think I can double it. If the Panthers come through on the next week. You'll be good. You'll be sitting pretty. I fucking hate shit in football, but that's not what we're here to talk about. But I did.

You did what? This week, I thought, oh, I have like five fucking locks and i i think i hit one the jets to lose no the jets won that's the one usually i know i i i know i played dog cards where i did have the jets and bangles but they were in like a nine team fucking dog parlay that paid 150 000 on a two dollar bet. Every dog would have had to win. I wish I would have known this about you, this gambling aspect about you when I wrote your comedians in prison because you would definitely, there's those guys in here who play tickets all day.

People run little tickets or skins as they call them where it's like five pick or whatever. Yeah, there's guys that do that shit all day long parlays i don't even know the terms but they uh yeah those guys make a lot of money who run run those tickets man they make a lot of bread yeah but i would never be the house i'm not that smart i'd have to do math to be the house yeah yeah and some of those guys they if someone hits big you know if they put like20 on something and end up winning like $1,000, shit can get sideways fast. You know what I mean?

Where they're like sweating looking at the watch and the score is like, oh, God, please no. Please no. I'm going to have to lose my virginity or be deflowered or something to pay for this. I don't know. It gets heck. You've always downplayed the homosexuality and more so the rape in prison. But do you think if you had to get out of a financial jam that you could blow your way out of it?

No. No, I don't know. Some people do, definitely. Some people, their whole, like people, they're whole predators. That's their whole play, to get someone in debt to them and stuff. That was the coffee guy. But if you said, hey, you owe me three fucking honey buns and a coffee, and you go, hey, how about I just suck your dick?

Would they go, all right, that seems fair? Or would they go, beat it, queer. Yeah, that's what would happen. That's what would happen with most people. You'd have to know your audience. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure some people do. Some people are like, get out of here, queer. And then they look around and they're like, all right, next time just don't say it so loud.

All right. out of here queer and then they look around and like all right just next time just don't say it so loud all right another question i when people you know as they do in prison uh stick to uh racial i uh if you were like a white guy and they caught you fucking a mexican would that be like hey you fuck within your race well in michigan is uh isn't a racially segregated prison system like california or texas um everyone there there is no like hard racial line now that there's organizations that tend to like lean be like 90 percent this or and then some of the muslim organizations are uh you can't you can be non-white, but you can't be, like, you can be Mexican, Asian, black, and some of them, but you can't be white. But there's no, like, it's not like segregated where they have, like, one group has their own basketball hoop and bench. It's not like that.

It's more integrated. And I think if they were going to be sticklers about rules, the man-on-man sexual contact would be worse than the interracial stuff. All right. There was a great prison flick I just watched. I can't remember the name of it. Yeah, in the last couple of days. Is it kind of new? Yeah.

Shot Caller? Yeah, Shot Caller. Yeah, I want to see that so bad. Yeah, Shot Caller, not I want to see that so bad. Yeah, shot caller, not shock caller. Shot caller. It's fucking brilliant. Yeah, it's one of those I immediately texted Chad Shank and said, I think you're really going to love this.

But at the same time, it might be too close to home. Like, he wouldn't watch Breaking Bad because he thought he'd, from what I remember. He'd relapse. Not relapse. I don't know if it'd be triggering or that he'd just be calling bullshit the whole time. I think that's the.

Yeah. He'd just be finding the flaws. Okay, like my stepdad when it comes to watching Vietnam movies. He can't watch Vietnam movies because he's just like, that's not what they say. And I'm like, shut up. This is fucking G.I. Joe. That's my point, Bobby. Afterwards, I

read some reviews of it. This is the best prison movie that shows the stark realities of how you... A lot of things, but as much as I'm into prison stuff, prison to me seems like covid in that everyone has a different experience wherever they are and they think that is like all encompassing

because a lot of people say you know fucking you they always go to rape and documentaries and people get raped and then you see other ones where they or read books about people in prison and they go yeah rape wasn't even really that big a thing like there's people that you know you have had gay sex but rape i never saw it once in seven years yeah so i think it's might all be where you are yeah definitely when when i first see someone my first bunkie who actually like when i came first came to prison, I actually went home, came back. I ran into him at this joint years later, and he just went home like a week ago again.

So I've watched this guy go home twice. When he was out there for this brief little stint of freedom before he came back, he was all coked up with his cousin watching Shot Callers, right? And he told me, he's like, now, that's a fed joint. That's a federal prison. So they're different. They're a little bit different but uh he's all coked up pacing back and forth like you do when you're coked up and he's just you know his cousins like fact check and everything say that's really what it's like that and he said a lot of it is um it was a really accurate movie

um but they're in a fed joint so they're they're're more racially segregated than we are. The actual details of it I heard are pretty accurate, and I'm definitely going to be that guy. As much as I don't want to and I hate that guy, I'm definitely going to be that guy when I'm watching movies. Rolling your eyes. Oh, come on, man. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Everyone has a different experience. So where you say, that never happens in prison, you're only talking about your own prison, your own personal quarantine, your own COVID. Yeah. But there are overarching commonalities. Because I know people here that have been to prisons all over the country. And there are certain things as far as ratting or some of the technical aspects of how you do things

and how they're operated. The rape thing is really something that is definitely amped up or hyped up in the world. And I think it used to be more, but they came up with this. It's bad for publicity, the whole rape thing, right? So they came up with this. It's called PREA, Prison Rape Elimination Act. And they're so heavy on that. If you even mention it, they have to bring outside cops in to investigate it. So it's really I've seen countless stabbings and face flashings with razors and stabbings and all that stuff, gang fights.

I've heard of a couple rapes, like a handful. I've heard of, and I've never actually been there. There was actually a guy when I was at a disciplinary joint. It was this Irish kid that we used to kind of work out with. And that state police comes in. You see him coming in with like their rape kit and all that stuff. And his bunkie wanted to be moved which is called like a lock up a lock up move when you owe debt or whatever it is and you say you fear for your safety but sometimes the

cops won't move you so he told that he filed a priya and said that his his uh bunkie raped him so they take his bunkie put him in the hole do like the whole uh dna thing investigation the guy sitting in the hole was a rapist and then it comes out that the guy was just the guy just made it up and then we would just break his balls about it all the time we're like hey rape anyone lately well i have i've seen enough of those uh those criminal uh investigation shows where like they get some guy to uh take a drink off a diet pepsi can and then they keep the can and then they they get his DNA off of it. So what I would have done is I would have shoved that guy's Pepsi can up my ass

so when they swabbed it, they'd get his DNA, and they'd go, oh, you raped him with a Pepsi can. Which is, instead of putting it on your finger and sticking it up there, because that's too many steps.

You don't want to risk contamination. The whole can up there yes good well yeah yeah but that's definitely but you're right that there are uh see i should i should fucking lead comics in prison who else would think of that just you just me see i'd fucking rule that joint you would and there's also the um experience of each and you know this from me talking with you guys that the security level prisons are all so like just being at this level one this minimum security prison it's completely different than a maximum so the the subculture the rules the just everything's different and so yeah you're right there's a lot of real relatives. And those shows that do that stuff, right? No one wants to make

a documentary about the boring monotony of prison life. And also the people involved in those documentaries, they're putting their most stylized self out there. You know what I mean? They're like, man, if someone comes through here, man, we stab them.

And it's like, yeah, you might, but people aren't really walking around like tough guys all the time. And people that stab people and shit, you know, they're not... It takes too much energy to always be on like that. And so, like, I feel like even the documentaries are like... They're only a

certain percentage of reality. The bit I did that's you never see an episode of Intervention about smoking, because it's the bit I did. You never see an episode of intervention about smoking because it's too boring to watch. Yeah, it'll kill me one day. But in the meantime, I'm just smoking. I'm not doing anything weird. But it's way more dangerous. So, yeah, you can't show boring prison in a documentary.

Yeah, and no one wants to. Everyone just plays into the stereotype too if there was a camera here a camera crew here i know these half the guys that are complete lames would be talking about the toughest shit you'd be like shut the fuck up you know what i mean like ladies like you'd see anybody that guy's a fuck bitch he's not he wasn't doing anything he was getting extorted he's talking tough on camera. Yeah. Especially in prison. It's like Girls Gone Wild.

I'm just reading that part of this saying, I was looking for the book. And I just opened it right to that. The herpes of your career, the career herpes of Girls Gone Wild. Yeah, the herpes of your career, the career herpes of Joe John Lyle's. Yeah, the herpes scar on my resume. I don't know if you have anywhere to be, but I think we might make this a two-parter if you want to call back

if there's not a guy in line behind you that wants to rape you i just had to get into it with this old dude uh waiting to get on a jay pay the email prison the email the kiosk for emails and stuff and he just walks up and there's like four of us waiting there but you can't really stand in a line it's inside and uh his buddy's on and he's like talking to him over his shoulder and his buddy gets off and this old guy like he tried to say hey what are you doing i'm waiting here i'm way all medallion new york girls and i'm fucking i'm like hey beat it like you know i'm not being aggressive i'm just like hey i was next and he's like well i was uh i've seen you walk up here man and then he throws his hands up like whoa whoa, whoa. All right, man.

And now I'm the asshole. You know what I mean? I'm like, all right, get the fuck out of here before I slap you around. Beat it. I've got to get on this thing and argue with people over Twitter. Get out of here. So, yeah, I'll hit you guys back. Where are we at?

Are we getting close? Yeah, I think we're two or three minutes. But, yeah, we have other stuff we wanted to talk to you about. Yeah, let's get into it. I'm up here. Wait, Thursday is Christmas Eve. Now, hang on, Chaley, we're doing the Christmas Eve, whatever we're calling it.

We're doing a live stream on Zoom. Yeah, live stream with all the fans. Now, if he were to call in on thursday would uh he would yeah he can actually call in uh you don't need to you don't need a video uh there's a there's a number but but people on the zoom would they be able to hear him okay so uh but let's uh we start at five so if we can start it with him do it a half an hour oh yeah we'll start it with you yeah and then everyone have to listen to it we wouldn't bring up anyone else you have one minute remaining

there she is we'll uh yeah we'll we'll work this out while we're waiting for you to call back but uh yeah burn out your one minute i mean yeah i'm down to like $24 now. $24. I'm fucking pissing it away. I want all the Bobby we can get. We're going to talk to you about your script when you call back. Oh, shit, it got there. It got there, yeah. It got there. All right, 15 minutes to be shit.

But did you get there? That's the question that we'll talk about. All right, well, I don't know what that means. I'll call this a cliffhanger. You gotta call back to say that. That's industry lingo. I'll figure it out later.

No cliffhanger. If you call back and Twyman's on the line, you're gonna know that you got bumped to second place. Maybe you had a better script. Oh, and Twyman has on the line, you're going to know that you got bumped to second place. Maybe you had a better script. Oh, and Twyman has been. Thank you for using GTL. Twyman's been sending me some plot ideas for movies.

Isn't he out of the facility? No, I think he's in the facility. I don't know. I thought COVID got him early released or something. No, it got him back in. He was in halfway house. This podcast is brought to you by BetterHelp.com. What interferes with your happiness? Is something preventing you from achieving your goals?

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Shit. Hello. This is a prepaid call from... It's people. I just potted it down. Oh, okay. Sent a cutout. I think he was here with the girl that signed the wall. I think it's that comic, but he didn't use his real name.

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This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring and recording Why don't you do it after Just two Hey Bobby hang on one second I don't know if I already mentioned Someone sent us the two display cases Of Muddy Bears

I don't know if I mentioned that But I just found that Not you Bobby you don't get Muddy Bears For five years because you're in timeout. Unless they call something else a Muddy Bear. Oh, yeah. Something totally different. I don't want one of those ever.

Yeah. That's a fun episode with Bobby is prison lingo for things, sexual acts or anything. Yeah, just. Okay. This is along those lines. One more. Yeah, just... Okay. This is along the line.

One more. Someone sent a banana phone to Bingo that you can sync with your Bluetooth and talk into a banana. If you know, Bingo's passed with talking into bananas. Yeah, I've seen the picture. Yeah, Patrick Mexal.

Patreon member. Okay, so we got your script. I was saying Twyman's been sending me plots of movies that he thinks are great. I just, you saying that just makes me cringe. I got your script.

I mean, if this was my money on here, I would have just fucking hung up on myself. I hate reading scripts. Just the format of scripts is so fucking debilitating to the eye of exterior nighttime. It's so hard. And even things I've been in to read the script is just debilitating. It's really clunky, like the way they make you write it. Yeah, I was going to try to make up an analogy, but we're on it.

So I didn't even bother. Just got here yesterday. But I gave it to Raider. Raider read it today and uh uh he said there's this stabbing in it that doesn't happen till the 33rd page this is a it's an hour long i assume you mean this to be the first episode in a series because yeah yeah yeah he said there's a stabbing that happens at the 33rd minute. For the listener, 44 pages would be an hour-long script. It's a minute a page is how you gauge that. And with commercials, a 44-page script is an hour.

So nothing happens. Dave Rader suggested, oh, yeah, thatpage script is an hour. So nothing happens. Dave Rader suggested, oh, yeah, that stabbing has to happen right up front and then go back. You need to get some shit right away is his suggestion. All right. Well, listen, wasn't it Dave Rader? I'll listen to Dennis Rader about these things. He's listening, but he doesn't have a mic.

I'll listen to Dennis Rader. fractions of extreme violence and then monotony and then like ridiculous humor right and no one ever fucking sees how ridiculous the shit is here and the funny stuff that happens so I just wanted to I was just tooling around with it and I I'll just send it over there but they tune in for the shit they think is gonna

happen so if yeah that's why his suggestion yeah get the shitty part up front and then go back to boring funny etc yeah and it happens it's like a slow motion stabbing in the background as he's listening to like he's wearing his like earbuds and listening to uh like a really like here's dave raider really fucking song hey bobby Bobby. He's kind of got what I was trying to say. What's going on? So here's what I'm thinking. I'm reading it. No, no. I get it. I get it.

You're saying hook them early and fucking... Generally speaking, yes, but not kind of like that simply. I think anybody who's currently in the system or has been in the system, they're definitely going to relate to how everything is laid out because it's kind of like day in the life. Yeah. But what I was thinking is for everybody else, because I've never been incarcerated, so I don't know.

But yeah, hook them from the beginning. But it's not that kind of one-dimensional. If you show that and then you go back to the scene where you're out in the weight yard and all that kind of stuff, what people like me will see is, holy shit, something that small can end in a murder. It just kind of gives you a... You guys are obviously different. You're living a very different life than the rest of us. And it's kind of more based on that.

That's all. Yeah. No, no. And actually... Okay, so I don't have people to bounce these ideas off of right so I'm just put something together that would be like

a different I don't know like the tone of it would be like something you might see on FX or something but I completely so obviously that scene

is like a it's like a rhythm and like mood you know tone change in it to show like the contrast so it being earlier it would totally work

being earlier that's actually good it's uh advice to have it earlier and then we'll give some different context going forward through like some of the more ridiculous things god damn it i wish it like it'll be too confusing but it'd be great to have people that have been incarcerated on uh on christmas eve but we can schedule out another time if i can do a bobby podcast where he can actually will will bobby be able to talk to people on zoom yeah if it if it goes the way i talk about we can do it yeah it should be fine write that down as a note to discuss afterwards uh yeah no i but yeah you fucking keep you you banging away at that shit I will read it I just wasn't going to try to read it in a

hurry and then just get fucking flummoxed irritated yeah I didn't even think you think you'd have it by now yeah I had to just read all their scripts in order to whatever yeah tell Raider I appreciate him reading it oh he's listening

yeah yeah I appreciate you reading it because he's listening you can hear you yeah i appreciate you reading it because it was really i wanted her to just uh she had obviously printed i wanted to just leave it on a coffee table somewhere or in the fun house whoever wanted to pick it up and just thumb through it could you know what i mean it's no it's no like polished thing where i'm like this is get this to the big wigs he's fucking insane or anything bobby you send it to 100 guys you're you're going to get a hundred different opinions. Like, it's just mine. Keep fucking writing. And if you think I'm out of my mind, then tell me to go fuck myself and keep doing it.

By the way, just one question for you. That last scene, the way that it ends, does your mom read this? Does mom has to read it? Yeah, she has. I have a, yeah. Well, you're talking about when he's trying to finally fix the universe back in alignment by jerking off?

Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. I want to give you that. I purposely have a hashtag mom tweet where I'll just say

ridiculous sexual things because I know she has to type them into Twitter. So, yeah. I'm going to read it. She's the inspiration for all that shit. Not for that last scene,

I hope. Not for that last scene, I hope, he said. Yeah, no, yeah. That's what I meant. Chaley's playing with the buttons again. What did we tell you about don't stop picking at it? I got it. This was set up for Tracy's mic, so we're good.

I'm looking forward to a very Bobby Christmas Eve. Will this come out before? Is this coming out tomorrow? It can. I don't know how backed up we are. We've got that other one, but I can put this one out in front. Wait, Evergreen? Sex!

Oh! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sacks! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such! Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know.

It's definitely the holiday season here. We got our christmas bags today which are uh clear bags containing random you know like chips and like cookies and shit from the governor most non-cruel everyone's no from us we it comes from our prisoner benefits fund like the the price gouging uh commissary and all that shit. They siphon stuff off and occasionally use it for us. Do you ever think of unionizing? No, no, no. We just did an episode of the podcast where we went over the prisoner guidebook.

It was like the handbook, the rule book, that I had never even read. And one of them in there is a class one, the highest level major misconduct, is organizing of any kind, striking, refusing to work, any of that stuff, is end up in a hole, attempting to incite a riot. So I'll give you. Yeah, we'll talk about this. You still haven't, you didn't call me on our off days. I was waiting for it.

Well, I'm sorry. You asked it. You're important to me. Yeah, uh you know you get a lot of other suitors now a lot of hollywood busy bodies coming around looking at your script yeah this script isn't going to ship itself out to everyone i gotta you know there's other people i got a badge there's plenty of Dave Raiders out there that I need to be shat upon. Do you still talk to Sam Talent? Yeah, he doesn't. He's not that reliable. I hope he hears this. You tall.

No, he's got a kid. No, yeah, he doesn't. And a wife. No, no, I know. I'm just talking shit. When he does pick up, it's always great. Wait, no. Just a while.

Sorry. I was just corrected. The voice in my ear. Yeah, he doesn pick up it's always great just a while sorry I was just corrected the voice in my ear the shit grimace I just got from Tracy said no he doesn't have a kid he just has a wife but it's the same thing you're my wife in this relationship and he's my like sexy side

piece that I can't always rely on you know what I mean when he does pick up it's really really fun exciting but he's not now that you say that i'm the bottom i was gonna ask you you probably have to stay in shape and lift and do all that shit in prison right no you don't have to especially these lower levels but do you i do yeah yeah so how quickly do you think you're gonna get fat when you get out? Because I'm not going to fucking tolerate that. I have a nice half Asian that's coming to see me in five years.

But if you get all fat on Burger King by the time you get here... No, I don't think I... I'm pretty disciplined with shit like that. Come to find out after... Well, the half Asian keeps you thin. Well, the half Asian keeps you thin. Yeah, the half Asian keeps me thin. The half German just keeps me super militant about it. Super militant and organized about the shit.

But yeah, I don't think that'll be it. That's your opening line at open mic. I'm half Asian and half German. Fucking hack. My opening line is just going to be the most bummer shit

about my case. I hope open mic or comics that use that opening line about their fucking mixed race heard a guy in prison know to call you

a fucking hack without being coerced or cajoled. Goddamn hacks. Yeah, I can't stand the whole leaning so heavily on the racial. You know, the guy who won the first, Dat Van, who won the first. We're not going to bore everyone. This is what my favorite shit to talk to you about when it's just me and you chopping it up.

About the comics we dislike collectively. Together. Oh yeah, hold on. While I got you guys on here, hey, it's Jen Ailey. Who's your favorite comic? Come on, who's your favorite? He's there, I know he's there. I swear to God, if you say Sample.

I think it's implicit that present company excluded. You know, I enjoy watching Bill Burr. I'll check him out. But I like old comics. I got raised on Bob Newhart, Bill Cosby, unfortunately. Those are hard to bring out at the dinner table these days. My one comedian on the comedians in prison list that's actually in prison.

Yeah, George Carlin. Yeah, I got a dose of comedy early on with my dad listening to records. And then I like old Red Fox, what they used to call them, party albums and stuff like that. And then contemporary stuff. I mean, I really liked Hedberg, but I mean, that was... Let me throw this in, Chaley, but like when I get on a YouTube suggestions based on things I've watched, people like Bill Burr, Norm MacDonald are brilliant to watch on talk shows. Like, you know, they're going to be funny just talking shit with some fucking fiend.

Conan. Conan. I was just going to say. You'll sit through the other part of the show to watch that part. Yeah. They're just really funny all the time in conversation. So those guys.

I saw Bill Burr just before, like a little bit before I got locked up live. I think he was in Grand Rapids. I like to blame him for what happened, kind of. I like to think that maybe if I hadn't went and saw it. His opener killed, too. I don't even remember who it was, which probably isn't a good sign. You have one minute remaining.

But his opener, I remember, he did his thing. Yeah, I just wanted to hear Chaley kind of be awkward about it. Because there is no right answer unless it's Dan Hope, really. I just wanted to hear. But my taste runs to classic. I like the old stuff. And then I like comedy that's, you know, I like open mics. I like to go to see comics that end up opening for Doug. And I like to watch's, you know, I like open mics. I like to go to see comics that I just, they end up opening for Doug, you know, and I like

to watch and see that, you know, just a fan of comedy. Yeah. We don't see much comedy. So the new comedy since COVID, but yeah, we've watched a bunch of new specials of people we like, and I don't remember half their names. It's tough. It's tough. But all right. So do we get here with the one minute mark? names. It's tough. It's tough.

But all right. So do we get here with the one minute mark already? Yep. You're about to die. Okay. Yep. Waiting for the call waiting from the governor. I'll send the phone number to Mama C that you can call in five o'clock.

Thank you for using GTL. He's trying to get it in there. He remembers. We'll send it to Mama C and then when I get the Zoom link going, then he just calls in on the Zoom link, and then it'll be just like he's there. He just doesn't have the camera. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that'll be fun. I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve. Hold on. How do we do the... We have to hit the zero. Yeah. There's no zero on Zoom. What if... I don't know. That's why I asked you. Yeah. We'll no zero on Zoom. What if, I don't know. That's why I asked you.

Yeah. We'll figure it out. You know, I can route it through, probably through this, through the road, which we don't use for that, but yeah, we'll figure it out. All right. Well, it's nice to have Dave Rader here as our proofreader. Thank you. Oh my goodness.

You got another, you got a memoir right there to get on so i have to finish that frank zappa documentary where uh i think it's the everyone who's watched it says yeah frank zappa was kind of a fucking asshole uh but i i know other ones like zeevon i remember reading his biography a biography of his about him where i go, wow, what a dick. And Michael O'Donoghue from Saturday Night Live said, did I fuck up that name? Yeah, Mr. Mike. He's a Saturday Night Live

writer from the day when I was going to... Topic of discussion, Saturday Night Live was great when it started with Belushi and Aykroyd events. But was it great or was it

because we were 13? This guy? Yeah. He was a wicked asshole. Sometimes you read a book to Zappa, you think, oh, he's going to be really weird. No, he was a fucking anti-drug. Drugs are fucking... Oh, yeah, no, he never did drugs,

and he demanded no one in his band ever did drugs. Which is weird because he just assumed that he was a huge pot smoker and dropped a lot of acid. Yeah. I wasn't ever a huge Zappa fan. I mean, there's a scene in it. Bingo came in this morning while I was watching it. She actually watched it.

She likes music. She watched it for a while. And then like all the music, like he was a genius musically and fucking like writing all this crazy shit that musicians are like. But then one of his band members is gone. See, people don't like the truth. And when you put the truth out in front of them, they don't want to hear it. That disrupts. I mean, you just came out of a fucking burned weenie album.

Fucking what truth are you trying to? What do you mean? Truth? It's baffling to me. I don't get music. I don't understand. I know he was brilliant at what he did. it's baffling to me. I don't get music. I don't understand. I know he was brilliant at what he did.

I just, I like the songs I liked. I like Joe's Garage. Love the album. Second side, it's probably a lot of shit only a musician would get because there ain't a lot of funny lyrics. I don't get it. But yeah, what a prick.

But they have great kids. I know Jordan's Yvonne. I met Moon Unit. When did you meet Moon Unit? Oh, you know the, you know the, is it vaunted is the word? What's the,

the prestigious Montreal Comedy Festival where all the greatest comedy? Yeah. When I did it in like 96 or 7, Moon Unit was at the Montreal Comedy Festival doing her first

stand-up. First? Oh, yeah. Because, you know, they celebrate all the fucking greatest comics, let's hope. Yeah, I did a... I don't know if that's in one of those books, but yeah. Well, her first shot at a pop song did pretty good. At the Delta Bar, it was the hotel where all the comics stayed.

And they had this one station that had like all day and night interviews with, okay, and now so they'd pull you out of the bar and sit you down. So I was on with Moon Unit and this fucking new DJ, little tubby kid guy, you could tell he was panicked. He was fucking dry-mouthed and smacky and sweaty. I said, you do realize, as I i can tell he has no idea who moon unit is zappa i go you you do realize that's frank zappa's daughter and he's like yeah yeah

how how is your dad oh man and and she said he's dead and he tries to double back and cover by saying, Oh, I know I was just kidding. Yeah. And she's like, why would you joke? And she just took off her headphones and fucking left. And I had to go down to the parking garage and talk them off a fucking ledge

that didn't exist. It's all right. It's all right. She's, I explained it to her. But anyway, yeah, sometimes douchebags have great kids. go it's alright it's alright I explained it to her but anyway yeah sometimes douchebags have great kids well he probably wasn't always

not a douchebag I'm just saying like painted broad stroke yeah Zvon was evidently a fucking just a miserable cunt to work with I don't know anyone who could conduct an orchestra is particular yeah and

great you've got to really Anyone who could conduct an orchestra is particular. Yeah, and great. I mean, yeah. I mean, you've got to really... That's where I was balancing while I was watching that this morning, where, okay, that guy's a douchebag. It doesn't mean I fucking don't love what he did. It doesn't take that away. And at what point do you draw that line?

Okay, but he also raped kids. Well, I still can't get the song out of my head. I'm still humming it. Yeah, I mean, Gary Glitter. What is it? Gary Glitter, fucking... Hey! Hey! glitter fucking hey hey that guy was like extradited from fucking

Vietnam and Thailand for fucking kids repeatedly yeah and they still play that song hoping people forget well I mean that's not a song that you would go oh I can't wait to hear that song but you know it's coming up at halftime yeah I own jock you know it's coming up at halftime.

Yeah, I own Jock Jams. Yeah, it's a Jock right now. It's on there. Not a sponsor. There's probably Gary Glitter Rock and Roll Part 1 and 2 on Jock Jams. Yeah, at what point do you discount someone's art because of transgressions small and large? Well, pedophilia is a real good way to knock someone's art down. Right there. This year, we've gotten into that with pulling down statues of,

okay, that's a Civil War fucking Confederate general. Well, they were traitors, too. Yeah, but then you go to Thomas Jefferson. He owned slaves. Pull were traitors too. But then you go to Thomas Jefferson. He owned slaves. Pull him down too. At what point? That's different than someone who was a traitor to the nation. The Southern Army was an army against our nation.

I know. It starts at a logical place, and then you go down to what do you tolerate versus what they did. Thomas Jefferson was, as far as founding fathers, and I did a whole bit on fucking 15 years ago, Deadbeat Hero Days about, fuck the- Still available at DougStanhope.com. Fuck the founding fathers.

They were slave owners. Shouldn't that discount anything great they did? Oh, all men should be created equal. Hey, that's a good one. Kunta, make me three copies of this stat. And then fucking mow this field. I want to have you build a new gazebo here. Yeah, so at what point does well at that time slavery wasn't illegal i mean slavery slavery became became illegal with the emancipation

emancipation proclamation wow that's only one we're gonna start trivia night it was also originally life liberty and property not life, and the pursuit of happiness because of that. Yeah, exact thing. Pursuit of happiness is getting tougher. There didn't need to be a law. Imagine if there wasn't that law. We have to cut a commercial? Is that for this podcast?

Do we do it live? We don't talk about that while we're doing this. I don't know. No, we don't do commercials live. Maybe we already did one. I forgot about it. It already happened. You don't talk about that while we're doing this. I don't know. No, we don't do commercials live. Maybe we already did one. I forgot about it. It already happened. You don't even know it. Alright, well. In between the two calls, it happened.

Which one? The one from my counselor? Second counseling session. No, no. Fucking love it. We'll get to that sometime again. I think I'll take a piss. It's a fucking, it was a nice day. I love Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

Looking forward to Christmas Eve with all you folks, all you suicidals. You know what? This is suicide season and we are the go-to podcast. And this season has lasted a long time for suicides. Yeah. Christmas started. Lasted a long time for suicides. Yeah.

Christmas started. I can't believe COVID just started and I'm already suicidal like it's Christmas. They already have. If you're feeling down because of fucking this season, so am I. Because this is where I usually take off Thanksgiving through Super Bowl. And what I do is leave. Because even though we're in Arizona and it's nice

compared to you, it's still fucking cold. And yeah, hey, it's 54 degrees for a high here. And you go, I'd love to be in 54 degrees. No, you still have to put a shirt to go out to your car and find the thing that you forgot

your suck doesn't make my suck suck any less and I usually leave the whole nine months I was fine here because I love the weather here I can hang out and then in winter when it actually it can snow here fuck that that's where I was I don't know if I said I can hang out. And then in winter when it actually, it can snow here. Fuck that.

That's where I, I was, I don't know if I said this, that Corona commercial that's been running for like 40 fucking years. With the Christmas lights on the palm tree? Yeah, it's just a guy whistling, oh, Christmas tree. And it's a shot of just a cabina on a beach with palm trees at dusk. And as he's whistling, one of the palm trees lights up. And that's it. And it's fucking a brilliant commercial.

And they don't stop airing it. And I don't know how much Delta mileage I have accrued because that holiday commercial comes on here where it's fucking cold. And I go, fuck this. I'm going to Roatan. I'm going to Hawaii. I'm going to fucking Florida, Key West, anywhere. Costa Rica. Get me the fuck out of here.

And I can't do that this time. That's where we were last year. Sucking it up. Last year at this time. Yeah. We were in Hawaii for a couple weeks. In fact, today's the anniversary. Tracy and I left Anchorage

seven years ago today on our way here by way of Sammamish, Washington for a little while. Wait, last year weren't we are you sure it wasn't two years ago Costa Rica? Hawaii. Hawaii, yeah. Two years ago Costa Rica because last year Hawaii yeah okay two years ago

Costa Rica because that was where me and you and Tracy were all reading books for a week and Bingo can't read and there's nothing on TV so she would just pace around poor kid just staring at hoping someone text

messages her and then my phone would blow up you have gone over your fucking megabytes of fucking whatever she's doing on her phone yeah just let it go let her text yeah you got to all those international charges yeah that's uh and then uh hawaii was uh you had the show at the blue note yep Yep. And then we stayed a little longer. But yeah, nothing now. I almost pulled the trigger on some Hawaii dates just because airfare is so cheap right now. Yeah, but if.

But not for next week. I mean, somewhere in 2021, because I can't imagine. I tweeted that last night. Hey, if the NFL really cares about stopping COVID, they'd put the fix in and make the Super Bowl Cardinals against the Titans so nobody would care and show up to super spreader events. I also bet that preseason that that would be the Super Bowl. Cardinals beat the Titans. And no one would care.

But after New Year's, everyone should be fucking inside. There's no other celebrations other than valentine's day and you're not gonna get covet from that whore you've been fucking for 18 years i mean there's like between new year's and memorial day people pretty much stay at home it's fucking cold nothing's happening's happening. New Year's and Memorial Day? Yeah. What's a big of a fucking St. Patrick's Day? But fuck Boston.

St. Patrick's Day is kind of big for the bar drinking crowd. Yeah, but it's not like, it's not a long weekend. No, it's not. Well, St. Patrick's Day is on the weekend, it is. Just speaking from the bar business, that was craziness. Anyway, yeah, I think I'll survive. I really want to do this. I'll talk about that later.

Yeah, we've got a full day of barbecuing on Christmas Eve, and then we'll do the... Oh, yeah, I've got to write that down, too. I've got to defry some of those fucking Omaha steaks. I have to piss really bad. Yeah, we're going to wrap it up. The Zoom thing is going to be basically... I'm going to post it, the link, on Patreon. And then it'll be available to everyone.

So you don't have to be on Patreon. So if you're listening to this, you can go to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Stanhope Podcast. And it will be up available to even non-subscribers in the hopes that maybe you want to jump in and become a subscriber. So that is on December 24th at 5 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. Now we just wait for him to come back. It's all right.

I can edit this part out. You really don't know how editing works. I don't know how it works. I just see you here like, what's the guy from the fucking thing that stays up all night on Christmas Eve? Santa Claus? No, the other guy.

Rudolph? No, and the fucking ghost of Christmas past comes and there's one guy Ebenezer Scrooge. No, but the guy that of Christmas Past comes, and there's one guy. Ebenezer Scrooge. No, but the guy that works. Yeah, Bob Cratchit has to work all night and fucking leaves his kids alone like you and me, Dave Rader. And fucking Papa Chaley is always working, and he's not drinking eggnog with us. But he's making eggnog. One's enough, I decided.

Greg Chaley did bring some homemade almond milk eggnog. Not homemade. Oh. Do you think I made this decanter? Oh, no. You came in. Chaley has some kind of a plastic injection mold system down there. I'm sorry.

When you walked in, I thought because we're doing Bobby podcasts that you made your you got too involved in prison hooch where you made Christmas prison hooch eggnog, which is actually we should have pitched that to Bobby. Well, I'll be a fucking star. The fucking Bella the ball on Christmas Eve passing out Pruno. Yeah. Problem is, where do they get eggs? You can't use scrambled eggs to make eggnog.

You smuggle them into prison the only way you know how. Yo, yo, Bobby, I got them powdered eggs you wanted. It's a Christmas miracle. I wasn't smuggling these into prison, sir. I'm a chicken. All right. We love all of you and fucking stay tough, however bad you have it. There's other people that have it worse, but their suck doesn't make your suck not suck.

I get it. Since it's Christmas, let's let Bingo take us out of this. Good night. Okay, bye-bye now! Thank you.