The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#432: A Conglomerate of Stupids

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

What to do about the Super Bowl, Chad's Tommy Chong nod, and Apathetic Jubilation. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Feb. 3rd, 2021 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - ExpressVPN.com - Visit ExpressVPN.com/stanhope and get an extra 3 months of ExpressVPN for FREE! Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - TraceySupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Okay, so we all know how VPN protects your privacy and security online. Now that Chaley's explained it to all of us, right? And it's taken my TV watching game to the next level. You can use a VPN to unlock movies and shows that are only available in other countries. If you visit my special link right now, expressvpn.com slash stanhope, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself at ExpressVPN.com slash Stanhope.

Oh, we can start if you want. Yeah, start. You want to hear the intro or something? I usually wait for the intro. I don't need to. I have a template that has it on there now, so we can do that. You know what? Let's do this.

That's my... I do some stuff for SportsCenter. Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I'm putting that in. I want you to just record this fucking drop at the end of podcast.

Oh, you want me to splice it in? Yeah. Can we get Chad to do another Doug Stanhope podcast with a T at the end? More IDs? The podcast. I didn't hear it. I wasn't listening. Did I not say the T?

Yeah, it trails off. There's really no T in it, but it's been like that forever. So I think. You ready? We'll play it again. Okay. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That's just the way I talk. I don't even feel stupid.

I don't even feel stupid for that. I feel stupid that I leaned my ear into my microphone so I could hear better with a headset on. That's what I feel dumb about. I think we're all high on this podcast. Chaley was eating an edible when he came up an hour and 20 minutes ago and

I said, well, if you're eating an edible, I have to eat an edible. And then, of course, you're high. And that makes all of us. Tracy, are you high? Yeah. Super high. Somebody get Tracy high.

No kidding. Carrie Mitchell here. Hey, it's Super Bowl weekend. Before we get into that, hey, Chad Shank, how cool was that fucking Tommy Chong retweeting you? Oh, my God. That's right. I didn't think it was. At first, I thought it was probably Tammy Chong or something.

I didn't really think it was real. Are there three Ms in Tommy? Yeah, yeah. When I realized it was the verified Tommy Chong, I came up off the couch like my team just scored a goal. I go, Tommy Chong! And Jenny goes, what the fuck's the matter with you? I go, I don't know. I didn't mean to. like my team just scored a goal. I go, Tommy Chong! And Jenny goes, what the fuck's the matter with you? I go, I don't know. I didn't mean to. I just got excited for a second.

That never gets old. Yeah, I didn't know he followed me. He follows both of us. Yeah, I followed him after he retweeted me and he followed me right back. That's great. That's always cool. Then he posts

about politics all the time and I had to mute him. Don't follow your heroes. Follow and mute. I've done a lot of that this last year. Follow then mute. Oh, wow. They said something funny that I go, I'm following them

and that was an anomaly. Remember we were talking a couple podcasts ago about John Roderick, who's Bean Dad on Twitter? I remember John Roderick. Like Michael Bean? No, Bean Dad. The guy who tried to

teach his daughter to open a can of beans by herself. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. I remember that hour by herself. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She did not use a can opener. Yeah, I remember that. I was just listening. I remember that hour of controversy. Well, it turned into a thing. It's been a month now,

and I just heard their most recent podcast, Roderick on the Line Today, or two episodes ago, and they were talking about how he's off Twitter, all social media, completely, totally dark, and now he's having to deal with, all social media completely, totally dark. And now he's having to deal with after you quit smoking, what to do with your hands.

What to do with your hands now that you can't tweet. It just becomes an integral thing that you don't even think about it. You take 10 minutes, you're fidgeting, you're waiting at the DMV, and now it's like nothing. So I guess he's playing a game, some stupid game, some fidgety game or something. I've thought about how productive I could be if I just was able to. My ego is the only thing that likes it.

I don't have anything, you know, but I don't know. He's doing a lot of writing. And I mean, that's a big thing. I guess he got canceled from one big project that he was making money on. He really fucked up. Wait, over that or over something else? Over that. Are you kidding? Child Protective Services came out to his house because people complained of child abuse.

What? He's like, oh, man. And they were so great. You know, my daughter actually likes the caseworker that came out. It's like, what? Caseworker? That is wild. I remember just like Stanhope said, the minute of fucking funny controversy

that wasn't controversy on social media. I didn't know it became a real thing. The social media leads to real life consequences. Jesus. The irony is that the six hours that she tried to figure out how to use the can opener until she ate again is the exact amount of time that they usually wait between meals.

So there was no time. I mean, if you just break it down, it's ridiculous on every level. Yes. You just break it down to that. And it's just, I mean, that's not even a Me Too thing. That's on a different level. It's all fucking intertwined anymore. I mean, that's not even a Me Too thing. That's on a different level. It's all fucking intertwined anymore.

Nobody. I thought you were talking about Michael Bean, Bean Daddy, and that made me talk about Michael Bean because one of the last texts I got from Michael Bean, other than he wanted to come for Super Bowl, come back for the weekend. They left. Yeah, they went back to L.A. until March. But before that, he said, yeah, listen to the podcast about whatever. You know what the podcast needs?

More Michael Biehn. So make sure to say Michael Biehn as much as you can. Hey, that was good news. Fucking pay Carlos paid off. That guy, yeah, that douchebag. Don't even say his fucking name. But I don't understand that.

It's a comic that's like some fucking right-wingy guy bet Carlos $100 that Trump would win the election. And then he wouldn't pay up. And when he wouldn't pay up, he said, oh, well, I gave Carlos a lot of advice, so he owes me $400 because that's what I would charge.

He's just a complete fucking cunt. And so then, yeah, then we, Carlos Valencia, we're talking about our friend, the comedian from North Carolina. And yeah, he started a pay Carlos hashtag. And I'm sure a lot of the killer termites chimed in on that. And after like, yeah, this long, he finally fucking paid him. After blocking most of us.

I tweeted at him when it started that I've bought Carlos' debt. Now you're like, how do we set up a way to remedy this? Now you deal with me. Yes. But I don't know what finally

broke him. I guess people just continued. I followed along a little bit with it. I think it was actually just that. I think multiple people started telling him, hey, I'm going to pay the bet for you since you don't have a hundred bucks. I think he got shamed into it maybe. I don't know.

I don't know, but it's fucking... I had a really good night last night. I actually started writing, which I was supposed to be done before Super Bowl so I could really take February off and maybe quit smoking a little bit more and

I'm nowhere near it I wrote way too much I don't think any of this is fucking necessary what's the goal it's an extended I just want to have a decent amount of epilogue for the book so people that got the audio book have a reason to

it's marketing. But I want it to be good. I'm just like, how much of this needs to be known? So, yeah. But the point is, I was moving, and then I got too drunk to write, and I started tweeting, and I started tweeting with

Dane Cook, who says he wants to do the podcast, which I fucking love that idea. Way too many people, way too many young comics take their beefs way too seriously with other comedians. I think that would be fucking really nice to chat with Dane Cook. Not about stuff that other people talk to him about. I really would love to know about his brother. I don't know.

But yeah, I'll talk to him to make sure that anything we talk about is. He's already done. He did talk about that on a podcast. I wish I could remember the podcast. But where he talks about just getting fucked over and stuff. And he's got a really good attitude about it, which is, I think, that would be interesting for you because of your newly found positive vibes. Well, also,

when we talked to Mike from Nickelback, just how he handles the fucking hate with just a permagrin. Yeah. I assume Dane Cook's probably like that too. He must

be. Well, Nickelback Mike can just open his wallet and look at an ATM receipt. I was going to say, that's called laughing all the way to the bank. Dane Cook can't because that's what happened. All the money got taken. I'm sure he's not hurt. I know. It's such a sad thing too. Your heart breaks when you hear about a guy that worked hard,

a sad thing too. Your heart breaks when you hear about a guy that worked hard and it's not even some shitbag that's like the Carlos Valencia guy. It's not some guy you don't know that is like your accountant. It's your brother, stepbrother. But still, it's a fucking

sad story. I look forward to that. That's what I did last night. I was tweeting. I kept – at one point, I looked down how we have reading glasses everywhere. On your head? Yeah. So at one point, I looked at the table and – you know how they – you have them everywhere,

but sometimes they congeal in one spot? I had like six pairs of reading glasses in a pile. Log jam. I'm tweeting, and then I'd go to bed, and then I'd think of something else. I'd have to get up to either tweet it or write it down or write it in for the book,

and I'd go back to bed, and then I'd get up. I took all six pairs of those. I got up at least six times because that entire pile, one by one, kept going from the fucking dining room table where I was writing to my nightstand, and then I'd go back out without them, find another pair. So I was up and down. I haven't looked at those notes, nor did I look at a lot of the text messages I got in response to sending out brilliant ideas at 1130 at night. I think 1130 at night probably sounds early to a lot of people, but that's late as fuck for me.

Shut up, Raider. You haven't seen 1130 at night since you fucking had to wait up for Santa Claus before they told you you were Jewish. Raider seems like he's on a fucking rigid schedule. I don't know for sure, but he just seems like a, you know. Yeah, you're right.

A rigid schedule guy. Absolutely. Rigid schedule of getting pussy. All right, I'll leave that alone. Someone said, hey, let me show Chad this. Sorry, this is just. I don't know if that's Maria Bamford or not. Ask him. Yeah, I should.

You're not tweeting. Yeah, well, I already tweeted a picture, and no one said that's Maria Bamford, but someone said a cutout, and I go, that looks like Maria Bamford in a green wig. I think we were talking about this earlier. I think Maria does kind of like a lopsided smile, like a little bit more in the cheek. Well, maybe it was some little bit more in the cheek. Well, maybe it was some high-dollar paparot

that caught her not using her regular smile. She's cute in a Maria Bamford same way is what I would say. But it looks slightly different. I think Maria Bamford is very attractive. Yes, yes.

That's what I was meaning. Mousy? Yeah. Yeah. I always likened her to Hedberg, where she's kind of a character, but I think that character is genuinely her. She plays into it, similar to Hedberg, but Hedberg was very much Hedberg offstage. Absolutely. She's more of a...

She's like a voice talent, too, though. Yeah, I mean, Hedberg didn't do characters, but I think it boils down to she's basically herself. It's not like Gilbert Gottfried, who has a completely different voice. That was terrifying. The first time I heard

Stern play Gilbert calling in to get a spot, he just left a message. Like, really? I don't think I've ever heard that. I'm yet to hear his real voice. Don't look for it. Don't ruin the image. Don't ruin it.

I tweeted yesterday I have been really good about not fighting or being a douchebag on Twitter but with that whole fucking GameStop thing GameStop? The stock market

I tweeted something to the effect of hey I realize after three days of reading about this and trying to understand it, I'll never get the stock market, but that shouldn't stop me from enjoying the fucking beating that the hedge funds are taking. You don't need to know football

to understand why Rudy was a feel-good story. There you go. Go ahead. Oh, I was kidding. I just think I know where you were going well i i made a joke about it when it first started and saying something about like i don't i don't understand it but since i just invested all of my money in groceries and utilities i don't think it applies to me so i'm not gonna worry about it and but i had just a shitload

of people wanted to explain it to me. Like I was fishing to understand. I was making a joke. That's the fucking problem. I don't fucking care about what it is. Stop trying to explain it to me. Yeah, I just spent three days. Do you think I didn't go to the dumbest analogies? If I give you $10 for sugar.

Here's a meme. This will explain the whole thing. Does that explain the difference between an option and a stock no it doesn't your sugar analogy for ten dollars doesn't fucking mean shit so i'm just getting all these people there's so many times i tweet where uh i go i when i was asking about how many comics i have actually left la in new york I know Rogan and Red Band and someone knowing. And as soon as I hit send, I know, oh, you're calling. That's a stretch to call any one of the three people I named a comedian.

And then it's just people fucking infighting. And they leave your fucking at. They leave you in. You have an 85 tweet string of you guys fucking with each other, but you leave everyone else in it. Fuck off. Mute.

Mute. The worst is when you mute someone, but the guy that thinks he's on your side keeps talking to him and leaving you in. I have to mute you too. Don't fight and leave me in it. I actually

like those times whenever it gets so annoying because like Shaley said, it's so easy to just pick it up and browse through to see. I'll just go to the search button and then just see what all of the news... I don't even search for anything. Just whatever pops up is what's going on. I just read it.

It would be nice to fucking stop doing it. Whenever those days happen and I'm aggravated with it, or you do something, you say something embarrassing, that's what I've been thinking about. I have one in my drafts where it's just like fucking, this will make

everybody respond. I won't want to look at this at all if I tweet this, and it'll keep me off Twitter for like three days. I do wake up on those mornings where I've over-tweeted, and I'm like, all right, good. I'm not going anywhere near that fucking laptop. That is an undetonated World War II bomb that they just found in an archaeological dig or like a minefield where they're gonna blow you go out there just don't step in that field

i do the same thing after every podcast i don't remember what i said but i assume that i fucking made an ass of myself and well you know maybe that's what I'm supposed to do. I don't know. But at least I have complete solitude for days afterwards to just fucking wallow in. So I like it. This awkward pause is brought to you by Michael Bean. This awkward pause is brought to you by Michael Bean from the Golden Globe nominated show, The Mandalorian. Yeah. Yeah.

His episode? Yeah. Excellent. Michael Bean will not be here for the Super Bowl. I don't know who will be here for the Super Bowl. I do know that Olivia Grace is coming back down from Tucson and she will be in

the outhouse. So that is reserved. Oh, really? Yep. Why did we... I can change that. I can throw her the fuck out. No, it's because I plan on smoking some chickens and some Cornish gamehands. Yeah, I was going to tell her.

You know that's going to be the public outhouse. I'll get everything done in advance. It's the ladies' outhouse or men who are afraid of the fence. It's always that. Yeah. That's an agreement. As long as she knows she has no place to hide, all those people might have COVID.

That's the thing. I don't know who's going to wander in. No one. No one's wandering in. No, I'm not talking about the general public. I'm talking about our friends. Like I assume. Zoom things like, hey, everyone, come on by.

No, no. That's what we're... The only reason that we're even thinking about having our regular friends over is because it's going to be nice weather. It's been fucking beautiful the last two days. Unbelievable. 72 degrees today. I've been getting so much yard work done. I don't even like yard work. I just want to be outside right now after that fucking snow. Joby and Fury and those guys were so happy

that it snowed and I was like, fuck that, man. That's fucking miserable. Terrible. I'm a guinea. I don't even go outside most of the sunny days either, so I don't know why I give a fuck. I know. It's the least I've walked a fucking dog

since it's been nice. I know. Fuck Ra the least I've walked a fucking dog since it's been nice. I know. Fucking Raider. You think Raider. Hey, how about I'll do it? But he did bring me tacos. Taco. Late.

He was late with my taco. It's all I need. Before I forget. Hey. Charles and Kristen Watt from Haw, Michigan, sent me some coffee. Since you're doing a 40-day sober thing, oh, that came late. Holy nail. Aaron, thank you for the nice letter, Aaron.

I don't know where he's from. What prison is it from? It's not from a prison. Oh, yeah, it's three-hole punch. Nobody sends coffee from a prison. Oh, no, that's different. It's a different person. Oh, sorry.

Oh, and you see the giant. Yeah, and it would be instant also. Was that Jason or who's that guy? Michael Myers. Michael Myers. Michael Myers. Someone sent a, and it would be instant also. Was that Jason or who's that guy? Michael Myers. Michael Myers. Michael Myers. Someone sent a... It's bigger than the Queen.

It might even be bigger than Dave Gamsby's awkward life size, bigger than life size cutout. Is that Dave Gamsby? I don't even know what that is. It doesn't even look like a real person. It's not out here. They're all in the back of the fucking red van. That's going to be... Okay, so Super Bowl. Are you coming, Chad? Yes.

Alright, good. So you don't need a place to stay because I'll fucking chuck Olivia Grace straight to the fucking curb. No, I don't need a place to stay, but part of why I was coming is so I can fucking throw out people in case people show up. I'm itching to.

Always a possibility. Some guy emailed me. He's in Arizona. Hey, can I come down? He said something about visiting or something. I go, no, no, no, not even in a little bit. No, no. And then he's like, if I come down with mushrooms and money, can I study how to write comedy?

Oh, Jesus. Fuck it. You could teach me how to write comedy at this point. I don't remember how I did it. I don't know what other people's realities are, but fuck off is the one that's on the front gate of my reality. No solicitors. You know, I used to have to travel to the UK to watch shows that were only available in the UK, and that's a 14-hour flight. But I can't do that anymore. So over the weekend, I used ExpressVPN to binge some documentaries from the UK.

It's so simple, I just fired up the ExpressVPN app, changed my location to UK, refreshed Netflix, and that's it. See, ExpressVPN hides your IP address and lets you control where you want sites to think you're located. It even works with gambling sites I've found. You can choose from almost 100 different countries, so just think about all the Netflix libraries you can go through. Love anime? Use ExpressVPN to access Japanese Netflix and be spirited away. But it's not just Netflix. ExpressVPN works with any streaming service. Hulu, BBC iPlayer, YouTube, you name it. There are hundreds of VPNs out there, but the reason I use ExpressVPN to watch shows is it's ridiculously fast and I am very impatient. There's never any buffering or lag and you can stream in HD no problem. buffering or lag and you can stream in HD no problem. ExpressVPN is also compatible with all your devices, phones, media consoles, smart TVs, and more. So you can watch what you want on the go or on the big screen, wherever you are. If you visit my special link right now, expressvpn.com

slash Stan Hope, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself at ExpressVPN.com. Oh, we got to get those signs up. We got to sell that bingo board. We have so much to do on my list, and at the top of it is find that list. That's a good February. Once you get your epilogue done. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

I'm starting this like I'm writing a book about 2020. I'm like, no, that's not the point. At some point, anyway, I'm not going to... Super Bowl. I am definitely going... I forgot that this is the first, and I should have bet that beginning of the season. this is the first, and I should have bet that beginning of the season.

This is the first time it's a home field advantage. Oh, with the Buccaneers in Tampa. Yeah. I don't think it's the first time it's ever happened, right? It's never happened before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the home team has actually made it to the Super Bowl. And what a fucking achievement for Brady.

I mean, come on. I love it. I don't like the damn event. I don't think anybody's really rooting for the Chiefs that I know. Not in my social circle. I like the Chiefs because I like Mahomes. I do, but I don't like them two years in a row.

I love that we know who the superstar was from the Patriots. If I start my meal with a salad, you know what I don't want as an entree? Another salad. I don't like repeats. Having never watched any of these guys really play, but I did watch the last two games fully and enjoyed the shit out of them. So I'm looking forward to watching the Superbowl actually after seeing

those, but I do like the fact that Tom Brady, it's a funny story to me. Like I'm going to go and get a fucking Superbowl trophy over here. Fuck you guys. And that seems funny to me as even just a non-fan of football. It's very good. Especially Tampa Bay,

man. If they would wear their creamsicles For the Super Bowl I would donate $100 to charity And Chaley would probably Match 25% of that bet I don't think it's going to happen

Do they do bets on the No they can't do bets on that because that's too easy. No, but it would be fucking hilarious if they wore those old creamsicles. So, yeah, that's my dispassionate bet. Super Bowl, I always bet with my heart. Tampa Bay plus the three. Hopefully, it goes into overtime. Is that what the line is right now?

Yeah. It hasn't moved at all. The only thing that changes is the VIG, the juice. If too many people are betting Kansas City at three, then it's minus 120, so you're paying 20% instead of 10.

I don't fuck with over-unders unless it's snow. It's funny And I don't fuck with over-unders unless it's snow. It's funny that you don't understand the stock market stuff because everything that you just said sounded exactly like that stock market stuff to me. Let me give you

an analogy. Actually, let's have all the listeners go to Twitter at HDFatty. Fuck you. Oh, no, bring it on. That'll keep me off there. I like it.

Please use a simple child's analogy to explain the difference between a parlay, money line, halftime wagering, the vig, the juice. Again, I don't like gambling gambling so it won't apply to me I know that's why I think it's funny if everyone yeah this is the this is the flip side of the Tommy Chong retweeted me a thousand people are now

going to tweet at you analogies about sports betting oh if you could get into some some horse racing. What's a furlong? Chad needs to know. At HD Fatty. But also, be sure

to tag Stanhope and let him know. Give him the analogies between gambling and stock markets because it seems like it'd be an easy bridge to help Stan Hope understand this whole stock market thing. So give him the stock market gambling analogies that he needs. There we go. Now we can both stay off Twitter. One of the things where you go, this is too much to tweet.

I just, like, you should have your telephone number if you're gonna try it because i want to call you and go okay if i okay say you fucking loan me a ten dollar cup of sugar and you bet that that ten dollar cup of sugar was going to cost only eight dollars okay how is it that i'm not allowed to now buy more sugar on an app? So you don't fucking explain anything to me. I understand this simple analogy. I've looked at it for three days. I don't understand all the other shit, you fucking assholes.

And you just probably stole that analogy. You probably don't even know. I told it wrong. I was going to call Steve Viafort. Steve Viafort. He's my stockbroker. Morgan Stanley. I want to make some moves. I was going to

call him. I go, no, he's going to make it worse. I was like angry, angry. And then I got fighty. He tries to tell you things that he's doing, moves for you, and you put him on speaker in the car while we're driving to a gig, and it's fucking hilarious.

And I have no idea what he just said. I sit there sometimes when he calls me, and I try to write down some of the insider nomenclature because I could do a really good Steve Via for it if i knew the words to use i remember the first time when your phone rang and you did the steve via for and you just started doing an impersonation while the phone rang and then you hit a speakerphone and i thought you were exaggerating and it was the exact same fucking guy only two really good impressions I could ever did was Mr. Menis,

who was our landlord when I was still a telemarketer, a fraud telemarketer. I could do Mr. Menis and then fuck with our stoner neighbor upstairs because we lived in a three-story fucking... In Vegas, right? No, no. This was a brief period.

We moved back to Mass. And the landlord Three-story. In Vegas, right? No, no. This was the brief period. We moved back to Mass. Mass, yeah. And that was the landlord. Like, what do you call those buildings in Massachusetts? They're three stories. Yeah, but there's an apartment on each side. There was a name for those. It's like a triple-decker duplex.

So, yeah, six apartments. Two by three? Three by two? I had the heat controls. Oh, you had the thermostat control in your apartment. In my apartment. Oh, fuck you. And I had two apartments. So I had my own apartment with me and my wife at the time on the first floor.

And right above it, I had the second floor for our telemarketing office. And that's where, so when he'd come in, we'd hear him banging on the downstairs door. The landlord? Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, so the thermostat was in the downstairs. So we'd be upstairs when he came in because I'd have it up with fucking Christmas in July or the opposite. It's fucking 85 degrees there.

So then we'd hear him banging on the downstairs door, send Mikey down the back stairs to go through the back door of the apartment while I yelled, hey, we're up here. And he's like, it's so hot in here. Why do you have the heat up so high? And I go, it's at 68 where you told me to keep it, and Mikey had it switched back by the time I walked him back down the show. I'm going to have to get some people to come over here and look at it.

That's why I can do Steve Viafort is because he sounded exactly like Mr. Menis. He can really do one voice. He would fucking – we would come up with all these reasons that we couldn't pay the rent well towards the end when we knew we're gonna bail out like why pay rent if we're just gonna be leaving anyway and uh i i don't understand i go well you know all this stuff we there was some like trade thing with china some embargo and i'd say that see that's where we get you know that thing in the news that's where we get all our product from so right now we're just gonna have our thumbs tied until this i'm looking probably looking down out of the corner of my eye at the USA Today

trying to come up with a lie like Verbal Kent and the usual suspect. Oh, that's perfect. Have you ever avoided a repo? Oh, yes, a few times. Yeah. Wait, how do you avoid a repo? You move yes. A few times. Wait, how do you avoid a repo? You move to Crouch, Idaho. Yeah, after we

stopped paying the rent, I drove that fucking car, because I had one car that was repossessed by the government for having drugs at the border. Not my drugs, but still, zero tolerance. So before that could hit my... I had to sign a voluntary repossession

of my first brand new car a week after I bought it you had to surrender your vehicle because someone else had drugs in the car yeah, that was zero tolerance, you fucking remember they were seizing all the boats in Miami well the boats were bringing in kilos of cocaine

yeah, but no, they were seizing anyone's fucking yacht for someone's personal possession. They were just using that as asset forfeiture. It's still one of my... I've had two... I'm definitely on a list somewhere because my daughter, when she was like fucking... She's still living with me as a teenager. Went to Mexico, bought a car in mexico registered it in arizona

at my address and then somebody tried to drive it across the border full of drugs and they took it so i got a letter saying hey you know this vehicle's registered here if you want it you have to come over here and claim that it's yours and so fuck that i just threw it away and then my son he had his vehicle registered here at my house, and he let a friend of his drive it. Same exact thing. Tried to bring drugs from Bisbee to Tucson.

Got busted and got the same exact letter. You want this car? My son's like, what do you do? I go, you get a new fucking car. You ignore this letter. You're not charged with anything. You don't show up. I'm here for my car. You fucked up.

It cost you a car. I went back going, oh, now I have to sign this voluntary repo. So now my credit's going to be fucked. So I went out and bought another brand new car before the repo was on my credit report and then i moved to idaho to crouch idaho on the south fork of the payette river in a cabin that had no mailbox like i was in the middle of fucking nowhere like yeah come come find come find the car when i got married and and uh joined the army we had jenny was buying a house and we were trying to sell it and trying to sell it and it just wasn't it wasn't going to happen so after a long

time we said fuck it let's just you know file bankruptcy so when we knew we were going to file bankruptcy we uh i just quit paying on one of the cars we had two cars we didn't need both cars so i just quit paying one of them and just kept driving it around. But we had a garage. I was stationed up in Washington by the time they started coming looking for it. I just ignored phone calls for a year before they even tried coming to get it. And then he would come and bang on the door. I'd have to tell all the kids to be quiet.

We're pretending we're not. Daddy's at work. And finally, I moved on post. And he got smart enough to realize that if he just contacted my first sergeant, the person in charge of me at my military unit, he could resolve the problem real fast. But by then then i was already living on post and the car was just i didn't have a garage anymore it was just parked in the street

in front of my house but they didn't know where i lived in anymore so he went to the first sergeant the first he's like hey you this guy says he's been trying to get your car you know and i go well i don't know first time he's parked in the fucking front of this house i mean i he can get the car whenever he wants I guess you know I don't have any control over that you know and so he finally came over and got the car I didn't put it

it needed brakes for about 8 months and I didn't bother I was the only one I didn't take kids in it or anything I would just use it to go back and forth to work so I just drove it with zero brakes which is there would be sparks flying out while I was braking. It was metal on metal. Oh.

I long for those piece of shit car days where I had so much... The bravado of youth where you go, I don't care. It's a piece of shit. I'll drive this to Montana for a triple run. I would drove...

Shit, I really wouldn't drive to Safeway now. I drove for a living. I went through eight cars in three years, I think. Eight or nine. I was broke. I was surfing rather than work. I quit jobs to go surf with my friends in Mexico. You had a Volkswagen, right?

No, I had a Datsun 510 four-door. Chad, that's right. Chad and I, we were talking about this on Instagram. And I remember, I go, oh, I need a new battery. But I was so fucking broke, I bought the battery and got it in there. But I didn't buy the $5 hold down. So it was just a battery, like loose. And every time you took a turn, it would slide to one side of the thing and it was just

enough that there's like a rib on the inside of the hood of a 510 and that like the two posts touched the rib of the hood and just arced and just fucking I was on the side of the road after that

it had fused to the hood so I went what the fuck and I go to try to lift it fused to the hood. So I went, what the fuck? And I go to try to lift it up. And I'm like, can't lift it up. And it shook it loose. It had fused to that fucking metal. I had a 66 Mustang that I bought with grandma's dead money. That's what we called when my grandmother died.

How long before we get grandma's dead money? And it was a pittance. It was like $1,600 a bulb. I know I bought the Mustang for $800. And this is probably

1984 or 86. But I moved to LA. I moved back anyway. Mid-80s. It wasn't quite yet a classic car. takes. But I moved to LA, like I moved back anyway. So yeah, mid 80s, so it wasn't quite yet a classic car. It was a piece of shit cool car. But it had a

leaf spring that was so rusted and it broke and it was resting against the frame. I didn't have the money to fix that. And they said, well, yeah, just be careful cornering because if it did slide off, it could go through the gas tank

and cause an explosion. Cut to me doing donuts on a dirty high school football field in the middle of the night shit-faced with my friends. All the ways you could have died. Doing

what you love. Yeah. Doing what you love. Yeah. I would still... I was tripping balls the other night just on edibles. Edible, edibles. I don't know. Maybe just one. Edibye? I don't know if I had a second one, but it was to the point I was tripping balls and I...

Alright, just go ahead, Chad. I wrote down notes that night and I still don't... Oh, just go ahead, Chad, because this, like, I wrote down notes that night, and I still don't. Actually, no, I called you, Chad. I called you. I called Olivia. I had all these ideas. Yeah, you were texting me, and then you called me.

We laughed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I knew a lot of those, but one that Olivia Grace like took the idea and ran with, because I got like four long text messages. Oh, are you talking like this? Yeah, it could be funny if it was like this. And I'm like, I remember tripping on that idea. It was just some idea about what if we were on spring break, like an MTV spring break, because our lives haven't changed.

break like an mtv spring break because our lives haven't changed that was basically the idea of yeah we're still fucking spring breakers we're still nothing has changed our entire lives really yeah i mean people used to say that in the first two months and then they got tired of saying you know what everyone else is saying. But it really is. Yeah, yeah. But no, this is really the way it is. But since we're fucking 18 years old, as far as, whoo, party. Yeah, we have not taken a break. It's like that artist who came here and she's like, this is all you do?

Oh, yeah, I remember her. You drink, watch fucking sports. What else do you do? This I remember. You drink, watch fucking sports. What else do you do? This is it. You were expecting a fucking... You've added crosswords to the mix. Yeah, you want to go walk in the desert and point out fucking spruce thing? I don't even

know a plant. Spruce. Spruce, yeah, that wouldn't be here. There's mesquite. Yeah, mesquite. Spruce isruce yeah that wouldn't be here There's mesquite Desert orchid Yeah that's all we do But when you see movies I remember

Again with the The beach What do you call those videos The ambient videos That fall asleep to waves crashing with the beach... What do you call those videos? Oh, the ambient videos. The ambient videos. The fall asleep to waves crashing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you put on a nice video

of some fucking Costa Rican beach. Those movies like Wild Hogs. John Travolta. They're all fucking middle-aged men who just get divorced from their wives. Kevin James. Yeah. We would never be those people.

Cause we've always been there. Yeah. Comprehend. So we've been in a midlife crisis since our twenties. Yeah. I remember thinking I was going to die at 33 with my Jesus complex. It didn't happen, but we're still here.

That's another fucking, some fuck on Twitter. Right when I was ready to fight. And he's typing in all caps at me. It's based on that, what comics are leaving LA and New York?

Oh, they're leaving because they're fucking phony pieces of shit. Comics used to speak truth to power all caps and several texts. But I mean, you get a lot of those. Comedians used to mean something. First of all, they're leaving because

it's too expensive and crowded and with shitty laws why can't you speak truth to power in Austin or Oklahoma you know why there's no comics speaking truth to power because there's no comedy clubs if you're basing it

off their fucking tweets and I've noticed that a lot of people that are consumers of comedy are like, uh, offended at the wealth that the, their,

you know, people have accumulated and they want to spend their money for, they're only doing this because what the fuck difference does it make to you? Motherfucker. Why does that matter into the fucking equation at all? I know it's weird. People have a lot of time to have opinions and not a lot of experience to back

them up. Well, and before if you just had a stupid opinion, you just had a stupid opinion, but now you can find other people with the exact same stupid opinions and form a conglomerate of stupid that wields, you know, some

power. You know? I don't... Maybe. Maybe. I'm high. Yeah, I'm enjoying being high. There's that goddamn dog.

I knew she'd be coming in here around now. Oh, yeah. Overfeed her. Then she won't want to walk. Oh, fuck. I had a thought and it dissipated. That's quick. Yeah.

Well, the dog showed up. You stared at the dog and forgot what you were going to talk about. Oh, no. Jealousy. After I talked to Dane Cook, I was like, all this stuff that I was thinking about. Last night when you were drunk and high. Yeah.

I was tweeting with Dane Cook and I remember anytime there's a backlash against someone who struck fucking gold. Well, people are just jealous. I don't know. Ask Nickelback

Mike. I was thinking the only times that I remember being jealous of another comic... I know there's something I wrote in my book, but the one time was when Louis C.K. dumped all of his social media.

I went, oh, that'd be so nice to know that you can still get people's asses in seats and not have to fucking tweet. I don't know if I quit comedy, would I really stop being on Twitter? I would definitely dump Facebook. But I don't know if I wouldn't dump Facebook. You don't even go on Facebook. It's just mirrored over or Hennigan handles it. Yeah, but I mean, you still have to be on Facebook to find an old girlfriend. I would still want to have that option available.

What do they look like now? Worse than you. Don't look. than you. Don't look. I dare any ex-girlfriend, and by girlfriend, I mean that in the most casual few hours at a travel

lodge way. From 30 years ago. Doesn't look worse than me. I've seen a few people online lately, Stano, but I have to agree with them that say you you're

aging better into you're looking better than you did years back. It's a weird thing. He was bloated and doughy from Jagermeister and Miller Lights. I mean, you've changed your routine. Yeah.

It's become more refined, if I can use that word. I had this great conversation with this actor that I follow just because he was always really cool. Dustin Diamond? No, no. Oh, I was going to talk about that. Michael Welch is where I'm going Dustin Diamond like a lot of people, I wanted to

like, my instinct is to go dark on Dustin Diamond dying, but I realized, I'm just talking shit because he's Screech and I yeah, it takes some umbrage when these, you know 15 minutes of fame,

well, that's more than 15 minutes. Give them some credit. Yeah, but it's not comedian. They drift into this, like they think that stand-up comedy is some kind of, oh, it's a default. Well, you know, it's always good to have a backup career.

Oh, stand-up comedy, I'll have my friends write me some shit. But he was evidently such a huge douchebag that I just enjoyed the schadenfreude, like Slade Ham, Carlos Valencia, that have actually had to work with the guy, and he was such a cunt that as soon as he died, they're like, I will fucking pay anyone

that can give me one positive story that will opening for that fucking cocksucker. And I'm like, okay, you can say it. I never met the guy. He always followed us or we were right after him. Stevens Point. You remember that game? Stevens Point, yeah.

Coming up, Dustin Diamond. Yeah. It was one of those, you'd know the name for those, the sign on the side of the road where they have to slide the letters into the sign to change it. Marquee. Fish fry. Yeah.

Yeah, but marquee means on the building. This is one of those that attaches to a trailer hitch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a marquee, but one that gets towed and dropped off into place. Yeah, it's a Marquette. A Marquette. Hated that town, too. Oh, wait, no, that's...

Oh, yeah, that is Marquette. Steven's Point is also where Junior Stopka did the Shaylee song. Yeah. Yeah. Cheer up, Shaley. Shaley, cheer up. You're a homosexual and every know what's up. You forget the one.

Every one. Every know what's up. Works perfect. Hey, Steelstone Industries people. That's the hot thing right now trending on Twitter. Steelstone Industries in Holton, Maine. If you need asphalt work done and you're a municipality because they don't really do private work. They mostly do cities.

So if you need asphalt done and you're a city go to 154 steel stone road in holton maine it's just past where the old dump used to be and talk to blake mcquade blake mcquade of steel stone industries at 207 write it down. Tattoo it on your arm like a Holocaust survivor. 207-532-2422. We put the 22 in 2422. That's how you remember it. It's one of those things that makes you remember. Mnemonic device. Thanks. And here's this message from Blake McQuaid. Hi, I'm Blake McQuaid.

And if you need asphalt, you better be a fucking city. We don't do personal stuff. All right. And now back to the podcast. It's in the range. I was taking notes for just the epilogue contrasting 2016 my shitty year with everyone else's in 2020

I was just writing down a few names of people like new friends I've made since pandemic you don't really make new friends in life this age. That's a very true statement, by the way. I've read articles on that.

Louis C.K. did one of the episodes of his show. He was like, it's weird to have a new friend, and the guy blew him off from what I remember. But then I was just writing down all the people who have friends that have visited in the last almost year since pandemic, and I forgot Junior and his buddy showed up.

I don't remember his buddy's name. Tracy? Remember? Tracy. Sam Talent, Shane Gillis. You know what the problem was? Also, go ahead. The problem was you gave that guy like seven different names while he was here.

You kept calling him something else. Yeah. And I'm like, wait a minute, Tracy, what's his name? And it was Halloween. We were in the haunted house. I don't think it's his name. I think it's the name that he gave. Yeah, yeah.

You immediately gave him another name. He's a nice guy. Right. Yeah. But Shane Gillis, I think, was first. Sam Talent. Then Sam and Shane came back together. Morgan Murphy's been here at least once she's come back. She was on your tour prior to.

Huh? She was on your tour prior to. No, but I'm saying during pandemic. Oh, people who... Yeah, I'd forgotten Junior, Mackenzie, Bird Cloud. I mean, we've had a lot of fucking people. And then just people we made friends with,

like Mike from Nickelback, Michael Bean. We've made a fucking lot of new friends. This has been a really good year, and I would have to go... This has been a really good pandemic. For me, yeah.

But for a lot of reasons, and that's what I'm trying to write about. But then I just, like, I wrote 2,000 words last night, and I'm not even out of Boston yet, coming back to the quarantine. I'm like, ah, this is probably not necessary. But the fact that I'm actually writing words. That's good. It's a bonus. Well, you know, it's weird.

The book I'm reading right now, I'm like so close to the end. I'm like, how far should I lock out the next hour to read or whatever? And then I get to this thing with epilogue. And it's like 30, 40, 50 pages long is the epilogue. And now I understand that's what you're doing. I thought you were just writing like kind of a quick synopsis of what's happened since then. You're actually going into detail and it makes sense. But I don't, I'll run it past some of your eyes to go, hey, is this fucking too much?

Should I make it more truncated? How's bingo since a coma? In my head, I'm thinking, well, everyone who's reading the book listens to the podcast, which is not true. Hannigan was always good about reminding me.

I know you don't like to repeat material, but these people haven't fucking heard it. It doesn't cross over. That makes sense. But I'm never going to write a book about fucking 2020, so I might as well extend the...

I'll find how it works. And talking about Bingo afterwards is, I think, an important part of the written version because you don't get the song at the end, which is a powerful... That's the part of the written version because you don't get the song at the end which is a power you know that's the part of the audio book that's a powerful

epilogue in and of itself right there uh i think so yeah it kind of shows back on track and uh well it's you know there's parts of the book where you not know if she's gonna fucking live and then you fucking like well i don't know we don't know if she's gonna speak and then it's like well we don't know if she's gonna fucking live and then you fucking like well I don't know we don't know if she's gonna speak and then it's like well we

don't know if she's gonna sing and then fucking boom here's a fucking beautiful song I mean completely underestimated the response to the song at the end of the audio I knew it was coming and I didn't think about it

in the way I just described until I heard it in context yeah I just described until I heard it in context. Yeah. Yeah. It was great. I finally, I'm sure I've said, I'm not going anywhere. So I figured out how to get Audible in my car. I figured out how to get it on Tracy.

He gave me some headphones. Bluetooth. Yep. He saved that up. And so, yeah, I downloaded more books. So now I'm just starting. I started with Bonnie McFarlane's book. Listening just in the car.

Not with headphones in the car. I just put it on the phone speaker. I think that was one we were going to listen to on the tour that never happened. That was one of the books after we... Hey, tweet at me and Bonnie McFarland with a link to her book because I don't

remember the name of it. And I'm trying to plug it. Yeah, she's still an awkward teen, pre-teen or something in Canada. I'm early in it, but it's fucking great to listen to. She's Canadian? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's from... Not Alberta, but... No, what are the two... She's from the middle of fucking nowhere. It's really a fascinating fucking story. Like, living on this farm with no running water and shit and this freezing cold. Is she from Utah? No, no.

It's... Wait, Alberta is a province? You're better than me. Okay. You're better than me. Is that it? You're better than me. A memoir. Yeah. With a forward by Anthony Bourdain. Oh, nice.

Yeah, that fucking really pissed me off. That made me jealous. Okay, Louis C.K. being able to dump social media made me jealous, and Anthony Bourdain doing her intro. I have an audible recommendation for you, Ben. I've been slinging it all over the place so if I'm repeating it here I apologize but it's called

438 Days by Jonathan Franklin and it's a fucking true account of this dude from El Salvador who went to Mexico became a fisherman and a big storm caught him and his assistant in the storm and they floated

floated out and were lost at sea for 438 days and he washed up like in fucking jamaican islands i don't remember where now because no no it's south pacific it's a man at first it was such an extraordinary story that people doubted it they were like there's no way and then once scientists were like no the way the winds blow and the fucking currents flow if you were with no motor you would drift

there and it talks about how he survived the whole way there and his friend died I remember that yes sorry I thought you read the news Tracy's I remember that. Yes. Yes. Oh, sorry. I thought you read the news. Tracy's. No,

not that much news. And it doesn't spoil the story at all. Hey, don't tell her about how Napoleon ends. She doesn't read the history. The story of his survival is still worth it. Even if you know all of those facts from the news or from Stan Hope just spoiling it. It's the story is still fantastic and maybe makes you have anxiety sometimes.

I think the review that I wrote of it was something like, uh, uh, this made me, uh, uh, ah, fuck. I don't remember now. Shit and cry all at the same time. Yeah.

It made me feel, you know, uh, anxiety, have anxiety feeling, you know, imagining what it would be like to be, you know,

lost at sea. And then sometimes it gave me anxiety because it made me realize that I've been lost on Earth, you know, on land in the same way that, you know, I'm just fucking trying to survive and fucking drinking turtle blood. I mean, it's a metaphor, but

but anyway, 438 days is a good one. The two best survival stories, and I'm a huge fan, Crack Hour, Into the Wild, and Into Thin Air. Mishka's. Yeah, Mishka's having a... Hey, now that my collection agency has proven itself worthy

for collecting a $100 bet for Carlos Valencia. Uh-oh. What if someone owed $700 and I wanted to assume they're... My God, can you imagine the fucking bad reviews on all your albums, everything you do,

books. Well, those are other people's books. Anyway, $700 is so much worth it to just be all friends. And very little to pay for security. Yeah. And knowing that wouldn't... I mean, just

the idea that you would fucking financially beat up a fucking young, starving fucking artist. Aside from all that, just the right thing to do, from my understanding, I mean. Yeah, you would think, you'd just fucking go, hey, I was a fuck-up. I was going through a bad time. And I'm not going to blame it on some people that I vaguely knew committing suicide or overdosing.

I'm just going gonna be a fucking man and I'm not gonna run from my problems. I'm gonna... I'm looking for another good audible suggestion for you. Oh, so I... Like, I'm looking for another good audible suggestion for you. Oh, so I'm downloading. I had like fucking 11 credits or something.

I don't know how. Yeah, when you're on the audible thing, they accrue. So every month you get like three or four. And it just all of a sudden it's like, hey, you better start buying some books. Yeah. Yeah. So the one I got buying some books. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the one I got was Sundowners.

Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I was just making sure you knew. At some point, you lose your credits. Yeah, they start peeling off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you have to use them. Just buy books. Shit. Just download a bunch of books. Yeah. I got three yesterday, and one is, I always listen to the sample if I can't tolerate how this guy reads. Well, actually, unlike the old days where I listened to cassette tapes of books in the 90s, you didn't get a sample at a Flying J truck stop when you lumbered out of there. And then you go, oh, fuck, I can't listen to this guy.

So I listened to, it's Sundowner cities, or it's Sundowner town, Sundowner city. And I know what they are. N-word, don't let the sun set on your ass is the, and I remember that from 85, 80, when I moved to Florida with my mother from LA. My first venture into LA when I was an 18-year-old kid. And Homosassa was the neighboring wicked racist fucking town. And they would brag about how they had that sign up until a few years ago. So this is all about that. And just in the sample I listened to, I'm like, oh, fuck, we played there.

We played there. Like, yeah, you go deep with cancel culture. You're going to have to eliminate cities. But what are you doing? Nothing. Oh, you're facing it. I thought you were facing it towards me. Scared of Chase.

Scared of mini Michael Myers. But the point was that I look at it after I've already ordered. It's 26 hours, which might compete for the longest audible book I've ever... I remember early days, it was Crime and Punishment. That's not Solzhenitsyn. That's Dostoevsky. Why do you screw your eyes up at me, Raskolnikov? Didn't we listen to one about New York cops? It was a long one. Pete Dostoevsky. Why do you screw your eyes up at me, Raskolnikov? Didn't we listen to one about New York cops?

It was a long one. Not 26 hours. I've only listened to two. Yeah, the CDs. The CDs, remember? Oh, shit. Yeah. Wait. I got The Stand by Stephen King, 47 hours and 47 minutes. I almost said when I, because that was the one that when you listen to him read his own books, he has that Tom Brokaw gulp on L's.

He was wearing gloves. It's amazing that him reading his own words completely ruins his books for you. I'm afraid about the same thing. We always did our Audible books after the book came out, so I never was concerned. Now that this came out, I'm like, ah, fuck, they had to listen to me

read that. I know this isn't an Audible commercial, and I feel bad even telling you this because it rips off a lot of narrators that are just starting up. But Audible, if you're a member like that, you have credits,

you can download a book and try it out. And within like six months to a year, you can just be like, no, I don't like it. Even if you listen to the whole thing, you can credit it back. But I don't recommend doing that. But if you think one is good and you don't want to do all the research, you just want to try it, try it, listen to it.

If it's not for you, you can put it back and get your credit back. All right. So this goes back to one of the last time we did the happy hour and someone, our friend from Poland, I believe it was, was saying, yeah, I checked it out and I keep returning, they check it out,

I go, maybe they think that many people think my book sucks and now I'm getting just like telemarketing days. I'm getting fucking pegged for fucking, I forget what they call it. Rejections. Sendbacks. Your commission

is deleted. So right after he said that the next day I read something. I don't know if it was on Twitter or wherever. I'm like oh that's really bad, don't do that don't send shit back

I forget what it was about all I know is, oh this just came up, it's like when someone says a big word, and you go, what does that mean, and you look it up, and then you hear that big word exactly yeah, I've only returned

books on audible where there's like huge problems with the production of it like the sound you know it's unlistenable they have jarring music in the back of the narration and you're like motherfucker I have headphones

in you can't do that yeah I get down to by my own deadline because we're putting this book out ourselves, the hard copy. And I go, alright, this week. Alright, now I'm down to a week. And then

all of a sudden, we've rarely come into the funhouse anymore. But no, now I'm setting up shop and fucking everybody is stopping. No one comes in here. I have five days to write this fucking thing. Because I take Saturdays off

for market and Super Bowls off. Should we fly the quarantine flag? No, it's like, bingo. I told you like three hours ago. I'm going to be writing. writing oh i just want to write my new song in here chomp chomp click click look at her phone like like it's on purpose that she takes out pork rinds and chomps them in the silence I've created.

And that's when I go, you know what? I'm going to start listening to fucking Audible books. So if people come in here, I'm wearing fucking headphones. Wherever I go, I'm wearing headphones. They think I'm listening to an Audible book that I was listening to. Then I turn it off when I pretend to work. This is a thing. When you're writing and you're not writing anything and then you just go on Twitter

and then you go on this and then you look at a stupid kicked in the balls video that you would never look at if you weren't avoiding writing. Someone being there watching you watch the kick in the balls video is an intrusion almost on the level of

masturbation intrusion. You know I'm lying to myself. Fucking get out of my house. And fucking bingo is a delicate flower and you can't say no, you're kind of worse than anyone. Because I can't tell you to fuck off without you crying.

Everyone else out there says, hey, get the fuck out of here. And I told her that. And she goes, oh, well, I'm going to stop by later with my lyrics. And I go, no, not in the funhouse. Not this week, I told you. But I said it at too high a register where she went, okay, I'll just walk home. Just stop. No, I wasn't yelling at you.

I was saying yesterday it was like five people in where I thought it was going to be empty, and I can't do that because, I mean, I could move back into the main house, but then I'd have to pick up all my notebooks. I spread out because no one fucking comes in the funhouse. Thank you, COVID. All of a sudden, it was the party area. The light was on. It was the party area.

The light was on. I knew when COVID hit, I knew that it was going to be a boon for you, Stan. The reason I think that you and I got along is because we're similar in some kind of fundamental way where we kind of desire fucking isolation in some degree, but then also people. And you got the bad end of it where you have way too much people and not enough isolation. That's a lot of what I'm

writing about is you can't recreate the first high, as a junkie would say. Chasing the dragons. Yeah. I got fucking notes about Raider in the early...

Yeah, in the early... And I'm continuing to write even though eventually I'm going to have to come back and make it epilogagus. New York Times crossword puzzle? Is that a make it epilogagus. New York Times crossword puzzle, is that a word? Epilogagus? Epilogagus? Yeah, I have to

tie it back into the book. Circle it back. Fortunately, the intro mentions how silly it seems to be writing a book about a really bad year in the middle of the beginning. I said the middle at that point.

I was hopeful. The beginning of a global pandemic and race riots, but yeah, it worked out. So yeah, the epilogue will tie into the intro. And fuck the middle of that book. I do want to know, I had that in my notes about what Chaley What do you remember the most about this last year?

I mean, as far as shit you've done. Because you say you've done nothing, but you're always doing something. I've never seen you so manically working in our entire life. What's the question? What have you been doing for a year? You know, right before all this happened, we were in Boise and Seattle. That's where we jumped off the tour and then you went

to Baltimore and you went east. Then everything crashed. We knew things were not going right. We were in Seattle. I remember driving home from Seattle. We took the long way to get back to Boise and then driving from Boise

back down to here. I just kept thinking about, I just want to work on my plastic models, my Frankenstein, my Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, right? Yeah, I bought a bunch of models from Aurora Kits, right? From the 70s and 80s. Yeah, I remember. And I haven't touched them. And all I was thinking the whole time driving, going like,

how come you can't get a fucking fountain soda in Utah? How come there's no, what the fuck? I'm like indignant. There's no one wearing masks. How come we're the only one wearing masks? But then I get on the road and I'm like, ah, man. Just going to go home, place them windows in the kitchen. Wait, were you already thinking that?

Oh, yeah. I'm going to do my model kit. I think I sat down one day right when we got back and then glued my fingers together. I haven't touched it since. And I love it. I love that it's there for me to do. His fingers are not glued together still. Lobster boy.

He just hasn't gotten around to doing that. It's not because he can't touch it. I've got four models! I'm ready to go! I can't get through half of the first one. But my year has spent with a lot of regret not doing more with what we could do here. But at the same time, it's my

time schedule. Yeah, I regret not enjoying doing less as much as I should. Yeah. And not doing more. I've tried to do less. I've tried to spend less time working on the podcast, like whittling down some of the manic things that

I do of keeping notes and stuff when I'm editing and saying, fuck it. What do I need that for? It's recorded. We're all dead. It's recorded. You guys need to learn how to What do I need that for? It's recorded. We're all dead, man. It's recorded. So that, and then, you know, just, I don't know. You guys need to learn how to cultivate some apathy. It helps cancel out the regret.

You guys have too much regret in your life. In Buddhism, if you have hate, you have to cultivate love to cancel out the hate. You guys need to cultivate up some apathy so you don't have any regret. I've been doing nothing for years before this pandemic. If you can't fucking claim apathy. Don't care. You have fucking rage issues every goddamn week. You're like, issues with Andy.

You don't have, you cannot claim apathy. I have, apathy would be one of my biggest problems. I don't, I don't fucking, yeah, I don't know. Anyway, I just was bringing that up. I didn't mean to interrupt. Shaley was on a roll.

I was just trying to just interject something, not turn a corner. I agree with what you said. Yeah, but I don't think Chad is apathetic or a sociopath because he cares too much about things. He cares more than he projects, but he still has apathy. I think the fact that you guys think that I care about these things or whatever you think I care about. Tommy Chong stood up and raised his hands in victory. I was listening to Big Bamboo on a cassette tape in my dad's pickup truck fucking stereo.

Yeah, so you're not apathetic? That's not apathy. I was right with you. I was right with you. When you told me that it was actually Fury that tweeted how this is the best day of the Internet, Tommy Chong just retweeted Chad Shank. And then I clicked on Tommy Chong and I go, oh, he follows me. I was doing the same thing. Like, Tommy Chong follows me. Unfortunately, the only person around was

valentino who doesn't know who tommy chong is i know i think you're you're you're interpreting apathy is the wrong thing it's it's uh definitely uh something that's persistent throughout but yeah something like that also something like you know i was i was specifically talking about a sociopath which a sociopath wouldn't give a fuck if someone cool followed them right oh a sociopath can assume a sociopath is like a shapeshifter a sociopath can assume any sort of level of of caring that is appropriate to the situation but to yourself you did that by yourself what's that you jumped up and fucking went ah we call it apathetic jubilation well okay because see this is why we're therapists maybe maybe because i was not apathetic about that certain thing at that certain moment.

Apathy is, you're kind of looking at it. I'm talking about sociopath. You're looking at it as racism versus systemic racism. You know what I mean? Like, not every fucking instance is going to be the same thing. It's the larger picture that is the problem. All right. Now we're getting into depths of

no sociopath would a sociopath give a fuck if anyone i guess because sociopath has no feelings ever and it's just flat i don't know all the time no a sociopath has inappropriate emotions to the situation at hand and has no connection to them whatsoever I guess this is now we're drifting into unplugging bad therapy

with Doug Stanhope and the cast I think I think I could only do one of those a night. Hey, the other day I got a message, Stan Hope. You'll know these names, so I'll bring it up from the

Zoom happy hour that we do. I got a message from Sean of Sean and Nat. Yep. And he was going to have a Zoom meeting between him and Steve and Kat

I get the same email and okay so I think this was after that email they referenced that email that you were too late for but Andy and I before Issues with Andy zoomed in with that couple and hung out

and bullshitted those two couples and surprised Nat of Sean and Nat. It just made me think about the stuff you were talking about. It was a lot of fun and it was easy to do. The night that they had emailed me that,

I was already on Twitter going, all right, if anyone needs to talk, send me a Zoom link. And I did it four times in a row. I was shit-faced by the end, but they were all really cool people. Just, yeah, fucking one-on-one. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. We're going to start charging for it. people. Just, yeah, fucking one-on-one chat with people. We're going to start charging for it, but...

That's what I told them. Yeah, we're going to start charging for that. We're going to do that on the down low. I've had some ideas. I'll throw them past the Chaley afterwards. These are February ideas, right? We've talked about this. Once we hit New Year's Day

on February 8th, then we'll start with the... I was just thinking, we can do this without... We don't have to blast it out on fucking Twitter kind of things. Like, alright, hey, if you

found that this is available, you want to do it, there's only so much I can do it. Any of us. But, yeah, we'll do that. MEO? I don't know. I'm trying to think of a name.

Spinoff. The title is everything. It's illegal therapy is basically what it is. Like back alley abortions? Yeah. Back alley therapy. Co-hanger therapy. Or a 1-900 number if you're of a certain age.

Chad, what did you say? Co-hanger therapy. Co-hanger therapy. Well, that's why I want to put up everyone's strong suits when we make the webpage. And we can all work on that together. At some point, maybe we'll all be on the same schedule. I've gotten on Dave Rader's schedule where he fucking goes to sleep at 6.30. And now I'm up at fucking

3.30 in the morning. I came in here when the plumbers before that woke up at 6.40 and took it down you told me at like 7 o'clock you took a Benadryl to knock back down and it was only

like 10am so I figured we weren't even going to podcast I finally wrote last night and I go I don't want to take a fucking hard downer or any downer and like lose traction or lose memory. You had to get up to get those

pair of glasses six times. You do shit like you take a Seroquel and you don't remember that you grew up in Massachusetts. So I'm like, I'm finally creative. It hurts. The creative process is physically painful. If your brain is a muscle, then yeah.

Like a tack in your shoe? Yeah. When have you been creative? I'm not. I'm asking. Is it like a tack in your shoe? Like every step have you been creative? I'm not. I'm asking. Is it like a tack in your shoe? Like, every step you take, there's physical pain? When you're fucking on a roll,

yeah, and you sit there, and it's like working out, which is why I don't do that, because I don't make a living off of having a decent body. If that makes sense. But yeah, when you have to fucking stretch your brain and, you know, so I didn't take a downer, but then I woke up, you know, not too many hours later

and went, all right, fuck it. I'm going to take a Benadryl. I don't want to be awake at 6.40 a.m. Those thoughts are gone. I'm missing sleep. Have you ever tried any local weed butter? There is a new batch of local weed butter that is very potent.

No, I get the gummies that are illegal now, and I take one. I'm not... I'm trying to fuck you on a speed date. I don't know. Whatever. Make up your own fantasy. I'll have a drink, but I can only have one. I'm not like you where you're just constantly smoking weed.

Well, eating weed is still different. smoking weed. Eating weed is still different. The other night I was having a rough night. This is going to be great. Like the other night. No, I'm just saying Jenny showed up

and just came over and handed me a quarter of a piece of toast with weed butter and peanut butter on it and a little glass of milk because she wanted me to hurry up and fucking go down. Like if you shoot a fucking

musk ox. In the wild? Yeah. Give me the tranquilizer. It's a nice alternative to have because sometimes she'll just hand me like Nyan Benadryl and I don't even realize that I'm having a problem. She's just like, here, fuck, I guess I'm having a problem.

Nyan Benadryl? He's the one that told me. I'm big. It's like three or four when he told me that he did that and it was a fucking knockout elephant drug. Yeah. It's the same ingredient. It's like salmon eggs or whatever. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, same shit. Oh, it's a disease. Yeah, over-the-counter sleeping pills, same ingredient as Benadryl. It's the same thing that knocks you out in those. I have lost so much. you out in those. I have lost so much. I would say

that two-thirds of this house arrest, I've been really motivated. The only thing I can blame is the weather for why I'm not anymore. I would have picked that up. I would have

done this. I would have rearranged that. I think it's the weather. But just last two days, it's been so fucking gorgeous. And I still have no energy. But I did write. I'm anxious to restart my Breaking Bad binge. But we have grandkids at the house still. Until later this week.

I never caught up on that sorry it's been a week so i'm uh i'm uh i'm still season three episode eight but uh i really want to catch up on it and it's nagging at me uh to the point i have a fence i've talked about on here before that i've needed to be built for i don't know eight or eight or nine years. I have all the supplies for it. I just haven't put the fence up. Are you on acid when you try to build that chicken coop? I need to get some acid and build, but anyway,

the other day, these unfinished tasks are nagging so hard at me that the other night, I had a dream that I was Walter Jr. trying to put up my fence. And it feels symbolic of something.

But I want to get to those unfinished tasks. Bad. Yeah, I want COVID to start over again so I could really enjoy this first. We're almost there. That's a year.

I know. But at the beginning, I went back to when I started writing. March 5th, Seattle, 11 deaths. That's when I was doing the fucking lick your neighbor. Yeah. 11 deaths, and it was already a thing. deaths. That's when I was doing the fucking lick your neighbor. Eleven deaths and it was already a thing. But at that point, to me, it was just a

premise. And then yeah, flew to Baltimore, got through that show, somehow got through, and then governors kept canceling me. Yeah, yeah. You showed up that night.

Then you got to Vegas and then... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all going. Don't kill the fucking... Yeah, I just realized. I don't want to tell you what the epilogue is. I need you to buy the goddamn book. Chad Lee. I look forward to

seeing you on Super Bowl Sunday. If the oldies do show up, they will get the fun house. I'm going to dress warm. Yeah, dress motorcycle warm. Yeah. Like,

back door will be here, I'm sure. See, is it not open? Dots, is it open on Sunday? No, the Super Bowl starts at 4.30 our time. Thinking, like, 11 a.m. start. Get the grill going at 9 a.m. That's the worst part about Super Bowl is it starts so late.

What is that? Oh, yeah. That's a mushroom. Those are cute. I got to fucking. My son just stopped by and dropped that off the, yeah. That's a mushroom. Those are cute. I gotta fucking... My son just stopped by and dropped that off the other day. Here you go, Dad. I have

counseling on Monday after Super Bowl at 1pm. Oh, no. And that might be a really funny time to be tripping my balls off, because I've eschewed hallucinogens for far too long because I don't want to look at

myself. Agreed. Have you had a bad trip? Sorry, Chaley's telling me to wrap it up. He's trying to cut you off. We're at an hour and a half. An hour and a half? I'm not trying to cut anyone off. Remember?

I didn't know we were at an hour and a half. I'm trying to give you an hour and a half. I'm not trying to cut anyone off. Remember, I didn't know we were at an hour and a half, but I do know that at some point when I said, I have nothing. I have nothing. And I said, Chad, do you have anything for this podcast? I have nothing. I'm watching a good movie in there, but I don't know enough about it. And we had nothing. And Chaley hollered at me and Chad stuck up for me.

This has been one of the funner podcasts. 29 minutes. This has definitely been one of the funner podcasts. I forgot we're podcasting for a while. It just feels like we're just motioning. It's how we talk to Chad now. It's through Skype or

Zoom. I know. I like that. Because you don't have to worry about Chad doing that maneuver of I should go, I'm having fun, but I should leave because I'm having fun. I'm like a hundred feet from my bed.

You think I don't love this? It's idealistic. I was in isolation with zero contacts in the outside world whatsoever, and I loved my whole life. I was in a self-imposed prison, and I deserved it, and I loved it. And I made up the rules, and it was great. And then I got introduced to you guys, and then i got yard time from my prison and my yard time was to get to go over to the fun house and hang out with you guys so the world you know

in my it became surreal and i don't even you know at points i'm like i don't believe this is really how what's happening and then now this can't get any better than this. And now, I don't even have to leave my house. I still just get to have the same surreal retweeted by Tommy Chong hanging out with fucking Stan Hope and fucking podcasting reality that no crazy person deserves. So I'm just going to ride it. Just ride it out. This is it. That'll be on the webpage. Chad Shank,

teacher of apathy. That didn't sound apathetic. I mean, that's a nice way of saying it, but you can call it a ruiner of paradigms is an accurate thing.

You want to come in and talk to me about what you believe? Let me tell you why it's fucking retarded and shattering. I look forward to actually writing that page for all of us. Yeah, the page where we're going to do some back alley abortions. Chad, if you ever come up with a good name for what we're going to do, back alley therapy abortions. I thought I did earlier.

I forgot it now. Codehanger. Codehanger therapy or codehanger therapy. Oh, wait, I just earlier. I forgot it now. Coathanger. Coathanger therapy? Wait, I just stole that from you in a podcast? I said back alley, Kelsey. He said coat hanger. Yeah, yeah, I just

tagged off somebody else's suggestion. Yeah, I thought I just came up with that. That's why I have to kill myself. Oh, man. Get a pen in his hand. Get him going. Last call was a admittedly, knowingly...

Yeah. I'm pretty drunk myself. But I don't know if it's high, so I can blame it on high because it's legal. Hey, I've been trying to listen to some... No, no, drunk is not legal, Tracy. Governor

Doug Ducey just declared prohibition to offset... Except weed. Yeah. To offset the legalization of weed. Chad, what were you gonna say? I don't remember. Oh, shit. I think I was gonna say

that I've been trying to listen to some podcasts lately, and there's always a guy that interjects that thinks he's fucking funny and you hate him, and I've realized that that might be me, so I wanted to apologize to all the people that try to listen to the podcast

and then hate me, because I'm the guy that interjects when I should shut the fuck up, because there is that guy on all these podcasts. That's not you. They tell me it's me. They email me that it's me. Actually, I get those tweets as well.

One time, remember, it was a million years ago because I brought it up on the podcast. Someone said shit about Chad Shank. I go, what? But it was about he's like a murderer and a thing and you're going to just encourage. Whatever. I don't know if that's what it said.

It was more about your dangerous versus your personality. Yeah. But I was so excited to get one fucking email that was negative about you. I don't disagree with that whatsoever, either. I'm toxic is what the new kids call it. Cut me out. I had a therapist one time that privately met with my wife and told her to fucking leave me immediately. I was like, I don't think that's legal.

I don't think you're allowed to do that. She was also one of my teachers uh for in a psychology course at uh college so there was a conflict of a lot of interests i think but i thought it was fucked up that she told jenny that she should leave me immediately because i had uh well that's why women shouldn't have doctorates. I just got a producer that did a... What does this mean? What is this cutthroat? Oh.

Get it done. Yeah, don't worry. She's a woman. We'll fire her. We're going to fire a lot of our production staff around here. All the cameramen. I just found out today this goes out only audio.

So I don't know why we have three cameras shooting and all these PAs. Why is that one naked? I mean, they work on contracts. We've already paid them. You want them to get paid for not showing up? Wait, are you?

I thought you said the union demanded that we have. You say, I'm looking at Chad Shank, but this doesn't go out. People have tweeted, this only goes out audio. Yeah. But why do you have all these camera people here and you're saying... I told you, we sign these contracts a year in advance. We still have to pay them. Is that like building the wall?

Well, not exactly. Well, give me an analogy. There's more people for this. Give me a GameStop analogy. Eight pounds of sugar that cost $10 a pound. Eight pounds of sugar that cost $10 a pound. But I bet that in two weeks, within two weeks, that amount of sugar is going to cost less. Why is that girl still taking still shots? For the coffee table book.

Oh, fuck. You signed off on all of this, dude. I don't understand. Alright, hey. Tweet me if you guys are seeing all these shots. Oh, fuck, dude. Someone's doing

upskirt photography right now. That's you. That's an intern. Well, I was wearing the skirt. What I'm asking for by the way I'm dressed? Look, I want you to take these upskirt shots. Who am I taking? Of me.

Clearly. I'm not wearing this poodle skirt for nothing. What's the queen got on behind you? That's what I want to know. I'm going to close on what Roseanne Barr said to me. That was the only logical thing that it took me days to process. Can't do comedy without truth. I don't know.

You just said something that made me think of that. And I go, oh oh I can grandstand right now and now I completely lost the thought so fuck you Chad Shag fuck you great killer oh wait listen everybody will close on this

everybody has to go on YouTube and watch the strange thing about the Johnsons oh shit YouTube and watch The Strange Thing About the Johnsons. Oh, shit. It's a short film. It's 29 minutes long.

Chad made me and Chaley watch it. Made issues with Andy watch it, too. Oh, you've already talked about this? Of course we did. He told us to watch it for him. Well, then fucking Put my fucking podcast before Andy's. Alright. He always steps on my dick. I'm telling you. Fuck Andy Andrews.

He ruined a lot of people by telling them to watch. I mean, he enlightened a lot of people by telling them to watch this YouTube movie. You have to understand, Chad, that Chaley tried to explain it to me. No, what they're doing is they're reversing

roles. He's like, you know the cunt that stares at a painting and goes, oh, what the artist was trying to say. He was just slapping fucking paint on a thing and it came out and it had a weird eye and you find something miraculous

about it. No, there's nothing. It's just creepy as fuck. And I applaud them for making it. I thought that it would be nice to get the creepiness off of me

by making it go on to all of you and I just shared it out as much as I could and I feel better knowing that all of you and I just shared it out as much as I could and I feel better knowing that all of you have now seen this and I'm not the only one to have watched it and I have opinions on a lot of it because I did watch it deeper than a lot of people. Erickson summed it up perfectly. Oh, you were tripping when you watched it.

But it was, there's a lot of nuance in it, for sure, that could be discussed. I didn't get it, but I immediately said, I'm going to watch Happiness now, because I haven't seen Happiness since it came out. And I remember this fucking dark shit.

It's a full-length movie. That was the one that actually probably made some sense. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yeah, he's one of the guys in it. There's a full length movie. That actually probably made some sense. Philip Seymour Hoff. Yeah, he's one of the guys in it. There's a bunch of people in it. Yeah, there's a shit load of people. It's from the late 90s. And I remember watching that and

would you fuck me? I don't want to fucking spoiler alert. Yeah, it got fucking really creepy. That's not William H. Macy that's the other wax figure Shaley what's the Philip Seymour Hoffman one that Andy talked about that's the same one

but he's not did Andy just step on Stanhope's dick yet again We all know that Andy Edgrest is funnier than me, but the world will never. Alright, hopefully next week we'll have Dane Cook.

Man, that'd be amazing. I would fucking... You don't have to arrange it. I mean, it's so many years where you go, people think, fuck Dane Cook. What? Send me a link.

I promise I'll be quiet. I just want to watch and listen there's two Dane I'll leave this as a for that yeah I'm closing there's a couple of Dane you know how much I quote Attell and Hedberg we all do but yeah there's a couple of things. You know how much I quote Attell and Hedberg, we all do.

But yeah, a lot of times I quote a couple of dang cook bits. I'll save that. All right. Chad, I love you. I'll see you on the Super Bowl. Love you, sir. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. See you guys.

I'm looking forward to seeing everybody. Thanks for having me on. I had a really good time. There's going to be a lot of food too. Take us out, Biggo. Oh, yes. Take us out, Biggo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.