The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#435: Hate Entertainment Touch Hole

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

Doug dives into hate entertainment, pitches an SNL sketch he would like to see and answers your email. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Feb 24th, 2021 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Valentina, Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - As a listener, you’ll get 10% off  your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/STANHOPE Florence Immigrant & Refugee Rights Project - https://firrp.org/ "Allen v. Farrow" is on HBO Max - https://www.hbo.com/documentaries/allen-v-farrow  "Pretend it's a City" is on Netflix - https://www.netflix.com/title/81078137  Supervillain: The Making Of Tekashi 6ix9ine is on Showtime. Cecil Hotel is on Netflix - https://www.netflix.com/title/81183727  Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

she used to she used to like that's way no she used to fucking adopt a bunch of fucked up kids yeah yeah so so kids in chairs and you know yeah fucked up kids which you go okay if you hear that on the surface you go oh this person has a heart but when you watch the first episode, you go, this lady's like a people hoarder. She's just got a lot of, like, there's a place where you go, you're not just doing this to, you know, help society and children. You're a fucking people hoarder. Like, if you've met a fucking dude that had, like, 95 cats, you go, there's a reason. And it's probably not because he loves cats.

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Oh, there we go. Jaylee was just, gave us a false start and he's talking about he accidentally just put dill weed in this homemade pizza. Well, I asked first

if you figured out the secret ingredient. No, it was just good. Yeah, I masked it with sugar and more oregano. I like dill weed. It's not bad. We were just saying, dill weed was something you called kids on the schoolyard when we were kids.

You fucking dill weed. And it's still funny. And then I brought up Pudwhacker. I was just seeing if anyone could come up with other antiquated things you said on the schoolyard. I heard a new one that I'd never heard before. Touch Hole was my favorite that I wanted. I should just write. That's a trigger.

If you look at my notebook. Touch Hole's a trigger. You fucking touch hole. That was Jeff Brown's favorite one. You fucking touch hole. I want to bring that back. I just heard fuck knuckle. And it was a female saying it.

At you in line with too many items in the 15 item or less? She was an Australian actress in some weird thing I just got on Netflix. Yeah, fuck knuckle. Hey, you fuck knuckle. It's like, oh, I like that. Netflix. Yeah, fuck knuckle. Hey, you fuck knuckle. It's like, oh, I like that. I think it was fuck knuckle. Maybe I just heard that. All right, yeah, send in your favorite antiquated

at Doug Stanhope on Twitter. We don't plug our Twitter enough. I need more Twitter. I was very depressed yesterday. Like, yeah, you don't want to say suicidal, but again, one of those days where you go, oh, well, thank God suicide is an option.

Just trying to write some, fuck, I don't have to write much. And I just, I forgot how to write. I talked to Hannigan today and he said he went down to the plaza in Vegas. Yeah, saw that. And he said he had to practice talking. Like he started like talking just general business with them.

And it's been so long since I've done this. I didn't know how. And I go, yeah, I've been trying to write the fucking epilogue for the hard copy of this book for like six weeks, and I can't remember how to write. He sits in his car before he goes into the meeting and just grabs a handful of money and smells it. Just to get, all right, like smelling salt.

Okay, I'm ready. Aubrey, point me to the door. I do remember the early days living out of my car in comedy where you would literally go days without speaking. And then when you actually talked, oh, wow, I'm talking. I've just been in my car for three days. You would go from one gig, you'd do the weekend, the whole weekend, and then you would travel or be around somewhere until your next gig. You wouldn't go home. You wouldn't fly.

Yeah, I lived out of my car. In your car. So there would be, unless you count, the drive-thru would be it, right? Yeah, pretty much it. Or less than gas station, exactly. Triangle sandwich. And you don't really even talk then. You just give them the money. They say how much.

You pump your gas outside. You go, I haven't spoken in almost three days. I remember sleeping. It's a fucking brilliant memory at Badlands National Park in November. So it was cold.

Is that up in Dakota? South Dakota. Yeah. Yeah. It's a movie. It was fucking brilliant. And I woke up and I traveled through. It was a reservation, I guess, wherever I was.

Or I got the radio station from a reservation. It was the only station that would come in. And it was, you know, it sounded like Enigma without the fucking, the music. It was just. And I woke up to this frost-covered Badlands, frozen, empty, by myself, living in a piece of shit car, and that's what I had on the radio

to drive through. It was fucking intense. But yeah, those were... What an immersive experience. I mean, this is basically you crossing America in a covered wagon, except you had something that was less reliable. Yeah, it was a Dodge Omni 024 Fastback.

Heat didn't work. Had to have a bungee cord from the moonroof handle to the driver's side door to keep the door shut because the door wouldn't latch and yeah i slept in that motherfucker and yeah that was just a night okay well my next gig is in oregon and i'm coming from wherever fucking minnesota or something yeah i'll sleep in badlands national park in my car that's when i care that's what i i care i carried a grill a hibachi maybe we just talked about this i had a hibachi like electric plug-in like hibachi grill cigarette lighter grill no no not for my car for when i was eventually in a motel yeah that's what when we fucking tried to cook bacon on it no hot plate i almost fucking cleared out an entire motel. Yeah. That's when we fucking tried to cook bacon on it. No hot plates. I almost fucking cleared out an entire motel

because the dripping grease started fucking billowing smoke out of this fucking room. Oh, yeah. Bacon was a bad idea to cook on an electric fucking... Hey, we got Valentina is back on the podcast.

Valentina of the Florence Project. Hi, everyone. The Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project. All right. That's where I work. Yes. But Florence Project is good. That works.

Yes. She's a lawyer working with mentally ill, illegal immigrant detainees. Undocumented. Undocumented. I knew illegal sounded wrong. I knew alien sounded weird. And Greg Chaley and Tracy and Dave Rader in the background, ready to heckle. We have some notes somewhere.

I don't have my glasses on. They're on your head. Yeah, my wet COVID cough is getting wetter, so I'm having less COVID all the time. No, dry. You know what I'm saying. all the time. You know what I'm saying. That old canard about it's a dry cough

and I would say, oh, mine's wet from smoking and that would be my out if someone heard me cough. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Notes. Notes. Oh, yeah. I was massively depressed yesterday. so you're you're you're in the process of dragging out writing the epilogue oh yeah yeah so what so that's what you were

depressed about yesterday no i i woke up again my sleeping habits are all fucked and i woke up at like 5 45 in the morning dinner You make dinner at 430. I mean, to be fair, you really set your clock. It's Raider. I swear to fucking Christ, it's Raider. Raider is a disciplined man where he has

his beers, he'll get here at 3 and then he leaves like around 7 and so then he, so when he comes over at 3, I go, okay, I start drinking at 3 and then he leaves like around seven and so then he comes over at three I go okay I start drinking at three and then when he leaves at seven to go to bed to wake up at fucking two or whatever he does

his regimented schedule well I'm now I'm drunk at seven but I'm not sleepy but I'm not motivated so I get nothing done. Yeah. But I do go to bed early, and then I wake up 5.45, swirling with fucking thoughts of

self-hatred, and the world is doomed. Comedy, well, I'm completely irrelevant. Nobody cares that I exist. Those feelings. And you go, well why I should put on TV to block these thoughts out. But the remote control is on the fucking other nightstand

and I'm not going to get up or crawl over all that way. I can hold a piss. That's where voluptuous bladder came from. I found that on a note. The best thing about drinking with Tracy, and we did get pretty fucking tanked. Was that last night or the night before?

Last night. That was last night. Yeah, we opened that second bottle and you had to finish it. Well, Tracy and I started day drinking yesterday. And that's what I was going to do. My point is, when I woke up, I was already in a funk.

By the time I got out of bed at 8 o'clock in the morning, I was just in a shitty mood from just stewing. I should have put on one of those relaxation, the beach fucking thing. The ambient beach scene. Yeah, all I get is I have the Roku screensaver thing. It's a fish tank. We have a fish named Raider. I named the fish.

I'll stare at that for so long because I'm too lazy to actually get the remote to put on the... I like that movie. Fish named Raider. True. Yeah, I have a fish named Raider. And then there's that fucking eel. I call him Poopsnake. Yeah, I fucking named the fish on my thing. I watch him

swim around. The eel never comes out. There should be like a pay version of that screensaver where the eel actually comes out of that little cave. The eel you could call Jen. It never comes out. That's a deep cut for the podcast listener.

And I have my favorite fish on the screensaver. Stare at it for hours. Anyway, so yeah, it was a bad time. Like, all right, I'm already in a shitty mood. Why don't I go take this lack of inertia to the fucking laptop and try to write? First of all, I had nothing.

Like, I've never written a thing like I've never even written a grocery list or a post-it note leave package inside I've never written a fucking thing that's how and it just made it worse today I woke up strong

I get a fucking I get a DM from Joey Coco Diaz say hey brother I need you in my life right now or something to that effect let's podcast I miss you I'm like fuck you know what

that's all it took just knowing that I have a fucking old friend out there that remembers me just that little thing I didn't write anything but I didn't try but I had ambition I have a fucking old friend out there that remembers me. Just that little thing. I didn't write anything, but I didn't try. But I had ambition. I did other things. I thought you were going to pull up a sheaf of papers and go, I'm two pages away.

But most of it's there. You have most of it. You know where you're starting. You know where you're ending. Not necessarily. Then I went back and I reread other shit I wrote drunk the other night. I'm like, this is, I shit I wrote drunk the other night. I'm like, this is, I mean, it's like too much.

The same as the book. I have to make this. I'm making the epilogue not just about what happened after 2016, but also covering the year that we've just spent. And I'm like, I can't make this all shit about, you know, stuff we've already talked about on the podcast. I have to go deeper than that, which I had to do with the book because everyone had heard, you know, the surface stories. And that's why I had to write.

And you did a really good job. Yes, thank you very much. I am very proud of it. Now I just don't want to sully it by writing an extended epilogue that sucks after a good book. You don't want to put dill in your pizza? No, but I will use dill weed as a slur. Is that a commitment? Are you going to use dill weed in the epilogue?

No, but I'm going to write touch hole. I'm writing touch hole down right now. I want to reinvent. Don't you fucking assholes start saying touch hole now. This is I said it. Fucking touch holes. So I want to talk about the Woody Allen thing, and I kind of wanted you, you were making pizza when I was going to say, hey, watch this, it's Allen vs. Pharaoh on HBO. I know what it is.

I think it's HBO. Yeah, it is. Because the other one, I had two that came out that are limited series. And the one is Takasha69. Oh, the rapper who went to prison and ratted on everyone? I don't know what happens. But I knew I was going to fucking hate him. They were selling that documentary.

The director was saying he's the most horrible human being on the planet and so i kind of had an idea of you know just i mean this whole country runs on fucking hate now like hate is hate and redemption i don't think no no people like to see a fall and then to see you go back up but they still like the fall the fall. Show me a recent example of someone celebrating redemption. Celebrating redemption? A redemption story. Mickey Rourke. People love all of that.

Yeah, then he flamed out again. Tiger Woods came back for a little bit. I'm just seeing recently, it's just all about fucking hate. All right. In the last year, it's just... So anyway, I go, oh, I can't wait to watch the Woody Allen. I know what to expect. And it was the opposite.

I will eventually, as these... We just watched the first episode of each. Is it like an episode five or is it a season? I think Woody Allen is four. And I don't know how many Takashi 69 is. Takashi 69. Whatever. I don't know.

He's got letters and numbers in his name and he's fucking, oh, I'm goofy. But he even forgot. That's why he put it on his head with a tattoo. Did he do it backwards? he could see in the mirror? That guy's gonna be hard to place in witness relocation. Face tattoos? Purple hair?

Rainbow hair? There's enough examples and he'll just be another of people that capitalize on being fucking assholes and you've already earned your fucking Trump and people are still using the same template. I'll be an asshole. Everyone will love me.

I will never understand that. A fucking million mushroom trips. I will never understand. But the surprising one was the Woody Allen one because I expected to go in going, yeah, what a fucking grotesque because I don't like Woody Allen. There's people that you go,

oh, I would really want to meet. I would have wanted to meet George Carlin. There's people I wish I had a chance. I did have a chance to actually see Gilbert Gottfried on that cruise where I was just too shit-faced to actually stay awake

until showtime. But they said it was going to be devastating. They said that it was the nail in the coffin. I don't know if it was New York Times or LA Times or both where I read that he will never recover from this documentary, which is fine because his movies made me feel like stoners always made me feel.

Like they're, they're, they're, they're seeing something that I don't like. They're higher than me. They're better than me. I, okay.

I mean, some of his standup still holds up very well. What's the, he has one famous story that. Bert Kreischer? No, Woody Allen. Where I listen to it and you go, oh, fuck, that still holds up from whatever, 1970 or

it's about a vodka promotion. I don't know right now. Anyway, the point is I don't fucking like his movies and he's personally always come across to me as someone opposite. That's a guy I would never want to be stuck at a fucking table with. Howard Stern is one, and I've told him this on the air, that I would never want to hang out with you. Like, you just seem so fucking nervous.

out with you like you just seem so fucking nervous it's like people with OCD where I am the filthiest germiest person where I feel like I would put you off I wouldn't like I would have no interest in anything you have interest in when you talk about film I know oh I I like that movie. That's what I can tell you about any... Cinematography? What's that? Is that when he throws up in the toilet after he fucks the landlady? Kingpin. Kingpin, yeah. Yeah, that was funny because it was puke and shit involved.

And then he would frown and leave the table. Like he's just a fucking, he seems like a cunty. I fucking hate New York. I hate people who think New York is anything other. Oh, he was going off on Annie Leibovitz. Oh my God. Two times I've tried to watch that fucking Annie Leibovitz. And she is a person that I could see.

I would love to have a fucking Annie Leibovitz. And she is a person that I could see. I would love to have a fucking two bottles or three bottles of wine with Annie Leibovitz. But when you just start fucking torturing this whole fallacy of New York being anything other than a fucking third world country that it's interesting on any level, it's just fucking overpriced garbage.

I'm sure there's a great analogy in something that is shit and fucking, but well-hyped Louis Vuitton. Okay. I don't know anything about that, but the fact that you would spend more than thrift store money on a fucking bag to carry your fucking wallet and your sunglasses sickens me so yeah annie lebowitz tried to watch that pretend it's a city on netflix yeah pretend it's a city and and she just goes into like the most hackneyed tired examples of of New York City. That used to be

the biggest hackneyed premise. When I started comedy, it was airline food, the difference between dogs and cats, dating in the blank decade, and the difference between L.A. and New York.

New York, you fucking can see a guy shitting his hand. And fucking throw it across the. The fucking. Why. Why you celebrate this. So anything New York centric. Especially.

Jewish. New Yorker. The stereotype. Of Jewish New Yorker. Is the most played fucking thing. And she like you can tell she would be a very interesting person to get fucking wine drunk with. And she's caustic and abrasive. And I love it.

But she's going back to all these fucking tropes of the most basic 1988 Jewish New new yorker stand-up like just the the most cliched jokes and i like within minutes i'm like john no i want to fucking like you i watch a trailer i know i'm gonna hate this but i like you i just wish what's sorry what are you doing you have menopause right there sorry tracy's waving a hanky in her face, fanning herself. She has the vapors. Betterhelp.com. What they say, I should say, is what interferes with your happiness? Is something preventing you from achieving your goals?

What I say is, are you fucked out of your head and sometimes manic, suicidal, depressed? I mean, we're at a year of this shit. BetterHelp will assess your needs. Have you found yourself in that position where you're like, I'm losing my shit. I need somebody to talk to. And you don't want to bother your friends. Yeah, you want someone to talk to, but they're also suffering from the same thing. So you're compounding the issue.

Get a professional at betterhelp.com. What interferes with your happiness? You know what interferes with your fucking happiness. You can't even go out and talk to people. Or maybe you're weird and you think wearing a mask is somehow confounding my liberty. Whatever it is. Yeah, you need someone to talk to. And in my case, because I have been talking with a counselor therapist from BetterHelp, and it's a stranger. You can unload all your shit. They're a professional, which I don't know what that means. But to me, it means they aren't going to tell anyone that you're a fucking whimpering fucking sissy sometimes in the middle of the night. You fucking want to talk to someone.

So BetterHelp, I have actually loved using BetterHelp. Sometimes I use it inappropriately. You should not. Sometimes I like, well, let's talk about you. I want to deflect my feelings. They understand what you're doing. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Connect in a safe and private online environment. It's so convenient. Yeah, it's convenient. Like everything else you figured out, like working from home is convenient.

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But there's 50, I'm sure of it. I want you to start living a happier life now. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor, BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. Join over a million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, Help.com slash Stanhope. I would call that impassioned. So I watched the way you put on the Woody Allen expecting to fucking hate him for all those reasons

and having read articles previewing that oh he's dead and as we're watching it articles previewing that, oh, he's dead. And as we're watching it, I think you were on the same page. Like, this lady's

batshit fucking crazy. Which lady? Mia Farrow. Yeah. I went in opposite of Tekashi69 where I, like, okay. Or this hate.

I went in. Okay, I know I'm going to hate. I am watching hate entertainment. I don't like to do that, but sometimes we all. Bar Rescue. Yeah. Have to watch it. Fucking hate him.

Hate the whole... Flawed. So yeah, I go in. All right, I'm going to hate this on purpose. But the fucking Woody Allen one. I don't know how much blowback. I walk a fine line. To be clear about this podcast we're doing right now,

this is for entertainment purposes only. I have no fucking idea what transpired in the world of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi and Dylan and Moses. I have no idea. I am just constructing as though that was a fictional show I watched, just episode one, where we're guessing whodunit, like this is Clue and he's Mr. Mustard. Where we're guessing who done it. Like this is Clue and he's Mr. Mustard. I've only publicly come out strongly in the case of Johnny Depp because I was closely involved. So I'm just making sure you separate that from this, which is completely conjecture. which is completely conjecture, but since it is entertainment,

I'm going to weigh in. That lady's fucking batshit crazy. First of all, she has, they have, like, fucking, I don't know how many kids they've had over the course of Mia Farrow, how many kids she's, like, adopted or had naturally or. Because they've only included some in the show. Yeah, we'll get to that. It's Alan V. Farrow, and it's on HBO Max.

And there are four episodes, and the first one is the only one that's been aired. I know. As of this day. Every time I want to cancel Showtime and HBO, they have one thing. It always comes on on Sunday night. And I go, oh, fuck. Yeah, you can't binge it.

And you can't wait. I could wait a month and then watch them all at once. But no. Then I'm going to find out all this shit on Twitter. Are you convinced? Well, first of all, it's only episode one. But as you're trying to construct, like, what do I think? Or where do I think the filmmaker is making me think? We talked about that, about that other documentary series.

Where I'm like motherfucker if you didn't if you hadn't cheated with that the the the hotel yeah the hotel with the lady the cecil hotel cecil hotel is the name of the documentary yeah or it's like a like a murder thing right yeah yeah crime story or something the most haunted hotel or murder hotel. It's a huge letdown. What? It's spoiler alert podcast. I think we already did this on a spoiler alert podcast.

Yeah, I think you talked about it. I don't think we talked about the Cecil. Yeah? Yeah, because if they hadn't have fucking shown you... I don't know. I've been doing other people's podcasts. Yeah. So I might have talked about it on someone else's podcast.

How does that feel, Chaley, with your issues? Brand new to me. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't know about it. They show you. They do a lot of, what do you call it? The reenactments.

And they show you the fucking lady floating in the top of the water tank where she could have fucking reached up. Yeah, I fucking spoil it. Because, yeah, they show a reenactment where her dead body is floating where she could have just reached up and pulled herself out. Well, at the end, you find out, oh, no, that water tank had dipped way down, so she couldn't reach her way out. Oh, no, that water tank had dipped way down, so she couldn't reach her way out. So they cheated you on fucking purpose, made you think, oh, it was just one fucking camera shot they repeatedly showed you that made you think, wow, she must have been murdered or I don't know. Fucking assholes. It's a fucking crossword puzzle I did on Valentine's Day.

They put out this and they did the cutesy thing like the New York Times does. And I'm like, this doesn't make sense. Oh, they want you to put a heart. It's light heart, Ed. And you put a heart in the box. Fuck you. An icon? Like an emoji? Yeah, you, no, you

draw a heart in. Heart, yeah. Because it... So, so, yeah, the Woody Allen, he doesn't... And another thing was they keep using excerpts from his audio book, which now, I'm like, if he wouldn't be involved in this documentary, I'm like, if he wouldn't be involved in this documentary, why would he allow them to use a lot of excerpts from his audio book, his autobiography? Sells books. Well, now their fucking audio, the publisher is suing the fuck out of them.

Like, yeah, you can't do that. I'm like, oh, thank you for answering that question. Is it the apropos of nothing? Yes. His autobiography. Yeah. Which I wouldn't listen to. Because I still don't like him.

But the longer this went on with this amount of kids, and a lot of them are fucked up. I think, what's her name? I'll go to hell for saying this, but sometimes I wish I was terminally ill. Because I wouldn't feel any worse. Dylan? No, the lady. Mia?

No, no. Suni? Sorry, I'm going off in a lot of different directions in my head. No, the comedian, the androgynous Paula Poundstone. She used to like- Wow, that's way- No, she used to fucking adopt a bunch of fucked up kids. Yeah. Yeah, so evidently Mia Farrow's like that. She had fucking kids in chairs know the high back chairs and the

gurglers and all the yeah fucked up kids which you go okay if you hear that on the surface you go oh this person has a heart but when you watch the first episode you go this lady's like a people hoarder she's just got a lot of... There's a place where you go, you're not just doing this to help society and children. You're a fucking people hoarder. If you've met a fucking dude that had 95 cats, you'd go, there's a reason.

And it's probably not because he loves cats. I'm sorry, I'm trying to make this. You got it. Well, the issue, the one that stood out that always stands out and did in the Depp case, which is why I did speak out about that, because I was around for it. I saw what was happening.

I was in the room for a lot of that shit. Child molesters don't do it once and every you know fucking the the me too train is a train because a million people jump on it once someone goes i'm gonna fucking board this train oh fuck yeah i'll do it too because it happened to me and yeah all the people come out of the woodwork johnny depp nope woody allen i'm like because i was only you know peripherally aware of the sunyi and then the dylan post accusation i don't know i thought yeah i assumed a lot of people had also come out against him i read in something where they they're calling him a disgraced filmmaker. No, he's still making films.

He's an accused. But, yeah, no. It's just that one accusation that came out after he had left his wife. Oh, Chaley, you could probably chime in with some of this. I'll try. After he had left his wife for her adopted daughter. Sun Yi. Yes.

I guess she was 21. 35 years his junior. Yeah, he was 35? That's what it says right here. Okay. I thought it was 40 here. Okay. I thought... Alright. I thought it was 40s, but either way... Yeah, then... You go, okay, if only

one person came out and Valentina did some fucking due diligence the next day, found out Moses, his adopted son, or one of, I don't know. He only adopted two of them, and one of them was Moses.

All right. Yeah, and they never lived together. He said he never wanted children. He would come over and make breakfast all the time, but he would never even stay the night. So, yeah, they had separate lives, and she had 95

fucking adopted kids with a lot of disabilities. Well, Wikipedia, it's worded as Suni was her adopted daughter. He never adopted daughter. Yeah. So I...

He never adopted her. Yeah. So he was in Mia Farrow's life, but not as an adopted parent. And again, I don't know how many they had. I don't... This is... But Moses wrote an open letter. He'll look it up.

What do you want me to look up? It's on... Moses Allen. It's on Blogspot. If you just... Moses Allen, Google News. Moses Farrow. Sorry, Farrow.

Whatever. It's called The Sun Speaks Out. It's long and it's fucking potent this kid is fucking he's like a clinical psychologist now yeah they've got five kids

Dylan, Ronan, and Moses three of them died two fucking killed themselves two committed suicide and one died of drug related AIDS complications dirty needle themselves. Two committed suicide. And one died of drug-related AIDS complications. Dirty needle.

Like, fucked up. I don't know if those are listed in Wikipedia because they weren't in the show. Yeah. In the show, they only show some kids. Alright, so what did you want me to look up? Oh, I'm just saying. I want the people to know where to find it.

It's Moses Farrow Blogspot or something. He wrote a long form and just hit every fucking bullet point that I was thinking while I was watching that. The movie that's supposed to cast Woody Allen as the fuckhead I wanted him to be. The movie that's supposed to cast Woody Allen as the fuckhead I wanted him to be. Everything I was thinking, he goes into graphic detail about, did you notice this? That's fucked up. I was there for the entire thing. The attic didn't exist.

We were all supposed to be on. In an attic. And in detail about how she would coerce and rehearse the smallest infraction of household law. No, you stole the remote. That's not the right example. You're a pathological liar. You go in and you explain this thing that is i it's fucking crazy and i'm like that's this exact same crazy that i saw and they brought the charges against him that's part of what moses

goes through is that the new york something or other investigated the complaints multiple times yeah all right so what you're what you were wanting me to look up, it's mosesfaro.blogspot.com. And that's basically a son speaks out. Yeah. And I'll be honest. I wanted to fucking tweet that. I'm like, no.

I don't want to start in a Twitter short form forum arguing, like I'm taking sides like I know something. You want to hear my argument. It's all stuttery and confused on a podcast, and it takes forever, and I still don't know, but it's very convincing. He wrote about fucking Woody Allen what I wrote about Johnny Depp Plus because he was literally there.

It's such cogent arguments where that first episode of Woody Allen, he's like, well, I noticed that he would dote on Dylan more than the other ones. And we were all kind of leery. Why did he like this kid more? You know what? Because he fucking hated kids. You know what? Your natural parents will never tell you which kid is their favorite.

But a guy that doesn't want kids,'ll go all right i can tolerate that one uh and chaley i want to get to you because i don't know if we've ever talked about this like fucked up things that uh actually tracy probably has stories too. You probably have stories about fucked up things people will do when they're bitten in the ass in a relationship. I think we'll run out of internet before I can finish my stories. Renee, when I left her for bingo overnight, basically, when she came back to pick up her stuff and I was on the road with bingo,

she blew up the fucking mailbox. They took it out in the desert and blew it up. Bingo had made an ornate mailbox where that used to be where my mailbox was. And I understand that. I understand being this. Wrath. Can we go to you, Chaley?

Yeah. What do you want to know? I want to, like, something. I'm going to fucking bodybuilder gal. gal yeah i don't think we've ever talked about i think we we've kind of run over it a couple times but yeah it's i mean yeah people will do things and you gotta wonder why and in hindsight you know why because hate is as strong a passion as love and some yeah i don't want to genderize this. No.

Because I've done fucked up things and had fucked up things done to me, but yours was a great story. Well, I mean, the number one, the big one was faking a pregnancy and me finding out because I was on the radio at the time. I was standing in line to use the restroom in the VIP room at the hockey game in Alaska. And a guy came out of the bathroom and he heard me talking to someone in line. And he goes, hey, are you on the radio?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, do you date a stripper? And I go, look, man, I want no trouble. Immediately I knew there was something going on and he goes, no, I just want to tell you, my girlfriend's pregnant and she was coming around the house asking for my wife to pee

so she could take it to fuck over this guy on the radio. I'm like, that's not me. But yeah, that was exactly what happened. She kept going around to different gals who had taken time off because they were pregnant from the

strip club and finally found one. Tell them that I fucked her over so bad and all this. Then she took the urine into the room to take the pregnancy test. She went in there and came out. Then the nurse came out and said, yeah, it's positive. Then the nurse leaves. She basically looked at me and was like, fuck you. Or like, yeah, fucking stew on this.

I was like, wait, that's it? You're just fucking leaving? Like there's no communication on what's going on? I should have known right then. Smell like a rat. The full story of that relationship is if you name them androgynous names

like Pat and Robin so you didn't know who the man or woman was and he told this story in a written form and you don't know who's the man you would assume that this woman was completely until you get to the pregnancy part you would assume that this woman was completely until you get to the pregnancy part yeah you would

assume that that no he was fucking he was beaten and abused i remember uh when uh she was i was and she was a bodybuilder and i found out later that she had actually uh she hit me up for money for an abortion because i go what are we going to do? So I had to give her, she was always specific. Like I had to go, I go, I'm not going anywhere without people around, you know, so it was always, I was meeting her at the gym or something like that. And I gave her a check. See, you would think, that's a woman.

I'll only meet you in a public place. You got to look out for yourself. I mean, she had some pretty fucking diabolical plans. It turns out she went to go see... She took the money, went to Seattle to go see Marcy Playground. And that was

what she did with the money. And then tried to pull the scam on me a couple years later. I need money for an abortion, plus $35 for Ticketmaster Churches. The other one that was crazy was when she was going to go back east to visit her folks. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you should do that. Yeah, yeah.

If your dad's sick or something. Yeah, yeah, go. Because then she was going to be gone for two weeks. I go, I can fucking leave. And so I'm like, but I'm fucking around. It's like eight days, nine days go by. And I'm talking to my brother. And he goes, why don't you just fucking leave?

Just walk away. And I go, no, no, the cat. He goes, fuck the cat. And I'm all, yeah, fuck the cat. And so I left. And I got one of the band houses at Coots. And everyone was very supportive. And I go to pick her up in her vehicle at the airport.

Because I didn't want to tip her off to anything. Which was dumb. I should have just fucking left a note with a dagger stabbed on the door, right? And I go to the airport. And we get the bags, put it in, and I go, here, you drive. And I go on to the passenger side and I go, that's it.

I'm out of here. I moved out. We're done. And then now I have to get out of the airport. So I run over to the taxi stand. She fucking, like, just jockeys to get next to that cab, right?

And I didn't plan this too well. My car was at our old house, which is a cul-de-sac. So now I got this fucking taxi guy. I'm going, fuck it, don't let her catch us. And she's driving up along the like neck and neck and then like he's punching it and she's going in here she's looking over and i know that cabbie's like i don't want no part of this right so we get there pull into the uh end of the cul-de-sac he fucking splits and now i've got

i got the keys to my van which is uh like a van where it's like 360 degrees it's windows all the way around it's an old ambulance right and i'm pulled in straight so i gotta back out to get out right and she is blocking me everywhere i go and uh the history with her is she's had guys thrown in jail before by pretending to be beaten up you know like yeah it's just like falling on the ground and then knowing people are gonna see and go yep he was on top of her so she would try and do this thing to pull me towards her kind of thing and i knew we had nosy neighbors they're gonna look so i had to be careful so i kept running around to the other side of the van then i'd run around and she'd always be there and then finally I juked and I got in. I got in the van and then she'd stay, like, sat behind the van.

So I can't even back out, right? So I just fucking leaned on the horn until finally people are looking and go, what the fuck is going on? And they just see this crazy girl laying down behind the fucking van, you know? Smart. So, yeah, I got out of there, but it was really poor planning. And that wasn't the end of it. I mean, it just kept going.

I mean, that was the thing I realized is like, she can never let that go. She was really adamant about being like, I'm going to get you kind of thing. And I was like, let's just go our separate ways. The world's big enough, believe it or not. So, yeah. That felt good. You have to be thinking of a story. Either way, because you've been in relationships with both men and women.

Yeah. Where have you gotten fucked or who have you fucked over i've i'm i mostly just had a pattern of cheating on people with the next person that i was in a relationship with so like cheating on someone getting caught begging for them to stay with me convincing them to stay with me and then or staying with the person that you're cheating with no and then eventually going to the person you cheated with um but no good stories other than regret and heartbreak and growth and lying yeah i got dragged out of a restaurant um and told that I could either go to the hospital or go to jail because I was trying to have sex with one of the people in a unisex bathroom in one of those open floor plans. This is why.

Ally McBeal type. Yeah. This is why boys can't use the girls room. And he was older than me and I was manic. And so the whole time I was just like, no, I just want to fuck him. No, just let me do this. And they thought that he had drugged me. And I kept trying to convince them that I was just batshit crazy and that this was absolutely my idea.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone younger than you? No, never. No. Absolutely not. Tracy? You have no stories about fucking... I don't. I go along with all my exes. Yeah, I guess that's Tracy. That's why we love her the most. You have no stories about fucking... I don't.

I go along with all my exes. Yeah, I guess that's Tracy. That's why we love her the most. The, the, the, the, the, the, again, the, the, the one accuser thing that always, okay, one person, Woody Allen and Moses Farrow writes far better than I'm going to recreate it here about, yeah, I'm in this business. He's a therapist, counselor, accredited. Yeah, someone doesn't start molesting children in his 40s or 50s on a whim. There's a pattern. And then just stop. Yeah, it's a mental disorder that makes someone do that.

It's not, oh, I've never tried escargot. I'll try it once. And if Saturday Night Live was funny at all, or if I could do a Woody Allen impression, I thought, oh, that would be a really funny sketch is Woody Allen is a child molester, and he did it once, but the only reason no one else, it's his own neuroses that stopped him from doing more child molesting.

Like, oh, and then I saw her on the playground and I was going to offer her candy, but I didn't understand if maybe she would think candy was, maybe she would think that I was commenting on her weight. Like maybe you're a little tubby, you like candy. So I didn't do that. Like Woody Allen wanted to be a serial child molester, but he never had the confidence.

He's afraid of a nut allergy issue. I have had adult women tell me I'm too small down there, but to hear it from a child, it would crush me. That would be a very funny sketch. Anyone is allowed to please do that sketch because I don't know enough about Woody Allen to do all the mannerisms. I don't do impressions, but that would be very funny.

The reticence, Woody Allen. But that would be very funny. The reticent Woody Allen. He's on a couch talking to a therapist who's not listening in a 1970s suit. I can picture it. I can color this. If you write the sketch, I'll punch it up. I don't know why.

So, that's the fucking Moses thing. It's so well written and so much better than the fucking documentary, at least episode one. We'll find out. Maybe it is crushing in episodes two, three, and four, but right now. Well, I would stand to reason that there might be some switching around. You might discover something. I mean, it's just one of four.

It can't be. I mean, that may be a weak way to write the plot, to have it be the same from the first episode. No, no, he's never been accused. They did already do the big reveal of what it is he did. That he put his head in her lap and they saw him with his head in her lap. Yeah. On her lap, not

between her legs. The accusations are so thin. And you can see the best friend lady where she's just on board and you know that lady if you're a person of a certain age you know that lady uh i i was actually going to drop a name but that's it's local so we won't but uh the gladys kravitz type of oh yeah, no, I was always suspicious. The person on Nextdoor that says

did someone see a man walking with a black hoodie? I was suspicious he was walking alone. He didn't have a dog with him. Who walks without a dog? That's me. That's me.

I say that jokingly on the security camera. This is suspicious. Someone is walking down the street and they don't have a dog. Why would you walk somewhere? A person without a car would walk? Well, why don't they have a car? There's something wrong with that person. So, yeah, the best friend lady.

You can see, you know these people. After a while, you know who these people are when you're a person of a certain age. That's why everyone seems familiar at Safeway. Because everyone fits into a type at some point. So, I am not defending either side. I am as a viewer, as someone who's hate-entertained like

you, yeah, I went, wow. I thought I was going to hate this fucking guy and now I still don't like his work and he probably is an asshole to hang around. But I think it all has to stem from the press he got for what everyone thought was his daughter. Oh, he left his wife for his daughter? Well, first of all, wasn't his daughter.

Two, she's Asian, so she never ages. She was of age. Yeah, but she won't get old like white women. I don't think that's relevant to the... Hang on, hang on. The point is, he was whatever. He's 50, she was 20, and then they fell in love and hooked up.

And then, of course, that's a fucking huge slap in the face. If I was Mia Farrow, I might fucking coerce my kids to accuse them of anything. I've had way smaller beefs where I've had more drastic reactions to. I didn't follow through with them. You know, I just fantasize. But, uh... I just pointed in a certain direction.

Yeah, like, how do you fuck that person? I get her anger. I even can understand being duplicitous and trying to fucking ruin someone that fucked me over like that and made me look like a scumbag. But the age thing, oh, he's fucking left her for her daughter. She married Frank Sinatra when he was 50-something and she was 21. Like, okay. Really? 21. Like, okay.

Really? Yeah. Oh, man. What the fuck are you talking about? Hurts, don't it? I mean, Mia Farrow wasn't Frank Sinatra's kind of daughter. But still. Not related.

Be fun to see how it plays out in my fucking... I don't know anything about what I'm talking about, but I'm still confident I'm always right. Do we need to take a break to do an ad? We're 54 minutes in. I will have already figured out how to put a break in at the 20. Well, good. Good thing I pause all the time.

In fact, I do it on purpose. You know when I stutter? I do that for you. So you have a place to put in an ad copy. He has a stutter button. He doesn't even stutter. He just hits the button and it puts in I stutter? I do that for you. So you have a place to put in an ad copy. He has a stutter button. He doesn't even stutter. He just hits the button and it puts in a stutter. Hey, Ogden, Utah.

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I know where you live! Pizza Runner 3017 Harrison Boulevard, North Ogden. Waiting for your call now. We're family friendly. We have, I don't know what else you have on your notes. I don't either. One more time. Alan V. Farrow is on HBO Max.

The Annie Leibovitz Pretend It's a City is, where is that? Is that on Netflix? Tekashi 6ix9ine is on Hulu. And Cecil Hotel is on Netflix as well. Uh-oh, Dave Raiders hit a wall. Are you just going to pee? I'm going to powder my nose. Oh, you put on a jacket to walk fucking 30 feet to piss?

Well, we'll come back. It's only 20 feet. I measured it just to fuck with you. Do you have anything else? Are there notes? Yeah, no, I have a... Great. I put this note down because I'd never heard you say it or I forgot it.

Valentina is doing a podcast. They're flying her out to do a podcast about the Florence Project with Queen Latifah has a podcast. What's it called? Good in the Hood. They're going to do a profile and send out a mic pack and I'll talk to clients. What's a mic pack? I'm saying it like it's a thing.

She said mic pack and I assume. She's repeating what she heard knowing you will tell her what it is, Chaley, when it shows up. No, I don't know. I've never heard that. This is a mic pack. What do I do? Here, plug in your mic pack. I don't know where to plug it in.

A lot of times, our only plan is Chaley will tell us. Oh, speaking of Chaley will tell us. No, it's like what Tracy has on. It's a lavalier mic, which is probably being sent to you so that it is in your control in COVID. Awesome. I guess that's what it is. Well, they want her to do interviews with clients and people.

Yeah, and then they'll probably have someone running sound. We can guide you through that. And I said, I said, you should probably have some jokes ready. It doesn't sound like a jokey podcast. No, that's what she said. And I said, no, I know that when you are serious about a subject, you go as a- Pressured speech.

Pressured speech where, oh, and she's like- Gasping for air gulping and I said so when you find yourself in that position because fucking Valentina she's done stand up a few times she's done it here she did it in Tucson

and we've got we've written jokes together written comedy writing together she's got some funny shit so hip pocket some jokes that fit into this We've written jokes together, written comedy writing together. She's got some funny shit. So hip pocket some jokes that fit into this. So if you find yourself getting too serious, you can fucking slip one of these in. This is coming from the man who created that list for therapy. Yeah, easier said than done.

I mean, that's one of those things, Doug. It's a muscle that you're able to flex without even thinking. You don't want to be weird on this podcast where you're talking about a serious thing either. I mean, I agree with you, Doug. Well, she's never been in a position like she's the only pressure she's ever been under. I think public speaking is trying to save some fucking immigrants life. She doesn't know what it's like to be on a real podcast with Queen Latifah.

So she might be a little, I want to show all my toys at once. And I know the feeling. Whoa, fucking me and Michael Bean, me and Sammy, the fucking neighbor gave us that street sign

thing the first time we met we're just both like trying to talk over like oh what have you done what have you done where have you been who are you I want to tell you everything about me

I want to show you my house I want to show you my thing hang on let me go and I got something you'll like and he gave me that fucking cool ass cooler and then he gave me the street sign like yeah whenever I get into Virgil and Sean's house whenever they finish it yeah

I can't wait to fucking like dog sniffing butts yeah that is they finish it. Yeah, I can't wait to fucking, like, dog sniffing butts. Yeah. That is... Yeah, we did a makeover of this place. I want to see what your makeover looks like. And the other neighbors, too. Ollie and Alex. Yeah, I want to fucking see all their houses.

That's HGTV. That was a clue in a crossword. Well, answer. Well, answer. Yeah, answer. Anyway. I forget what my point was. You were talking about pressured speech.

Oh, yeah. So they're going to profile you on Queen Latifah's podcast and fly you out to LA. Maybe they'll tell me to drive. Probably not. Why can't they Zoom this? I don't understand. Oh, they got it. That was my point.

They want you to do a Q&A. Yeah, okay. Okay, so this was my point. When I said you should probably have a few jokes just to check yourself if you get a little too ambitious and rambunctious. I said, and I dare you to do the entire interview in your customer service voice. I'll be Safeway. Hi, this is Safeway Pharmacy. How can I help you? Hi, my name is Valentina. My date of birth is bleep. She'll put on these voices.

She calls even fucking DPS or whatever, or DHS. Yeah. And she puts on these weird voices, and it amuses me. And I said, I dare you to do the whole interview in your customer service voice. She goes, no, my regular voice is fine. The only person who's ever said anything about my voice is Chaley. I go, what? What did Chaley say about your voice?

He said, you sound like Walter Cronkite. I never heard that. I said that. Alright. I've never heard that, so it's in my notes. No offense. I mean, he was in everyone's living room. I mean, he was, everyone's trusted him.

I would love to hear from you on Twitter or at the email, which is what is the podcast email? Stan Hope podcast at gmail.com. Stan Hope podcast. Yeah. Tell us, tell us your fucked up stories.

Cause this whole, yeah, people do fucked up things in relationships. I can't tell you how many times that someone has claimed child abuse during a divorce custody hearing. All of a sudden, yeah, he touched her inappropriately. I saw him in the back. And your friend's calling you up going, she's fucking saying this shit. friend's calling you up going she's fucking saying this shit and always coincidentally right at the point of it's not like i'm leaving him because of this it's like oh he's leaving me by the way

i think he fucked my kid she's not old enough to testify so you're gonna have to trust me like that's not uncommon and i i i again I'm trying to keep it gender neutral because, yeah. Men do fucked up shit, too. Yeah. Yeah, she fucking gave me fucking chlamydia or whatever. Yeah, guys do fucked up things. So please, yeah, send us your stories of your fucking Woody Allen moment. Don't make him be the meme for that.

I'm sorry. That was the theme of what we were talking about. But yeah, and I've done terrible shit. I had a girl fake a pregnancy on me, which that's got to be the most common. Sounds like it. When you break up with someone and they go, well, I might be pregnant. It's usually a teenage thing. Like a desperation move.

Yeah. Andrea was her name. Woman did that to me once. A woman did that to you? Yeah, and I fucking, I tried to stab her tire. Every time, just, and I was- Did you hurt your arm?

It looks easy in the movies. Yeah. Yeah. It fucking bounced right back. I almost, like, my hand almost slipped over the blade where I was going to fucking puncture my hand rather than her tire. That's not easy to do. I mean, I fill up a tire with air, and I'm always like that, like a balloon, like a quality control person. I'm like, I think it's going to pop.

And I'm like, it's only 35 PSI, 40 if if the thing's not right well you know my can't imagine anything that's gonna explode i'm like i don't want to do it but i could imagine a knife where you know you're going to puncture it and it's under pressure i'd be afraid it's like the knife's gonna come out they like hit me or something yeah she told me that she was just fucking with me like oh yeah i was like 17 and now I'm like, oh, what am I going to do? And then she goes, I was just fucking with you. I'm like, what? That's not fucking funny.

Funny how the youngsters don't have an appreciation for a good goof. But I did end up putting a pickaxe to the hood of her car since I couldn't puncture her tire. Wow. In the early band days, I remember a guy in the band, yeah, he met this one chick, and she got a little clingy, and she was saying, hey, yeah, I think I'm pregnant. And he was telling me this. I go, fuck, dude. Wait a minute. What's going on? He goes, well, I just told'm pregnant. And he was telling me this. I go, fuck, dude. Wait a minute.

What's going on? He goes, well, I just told her it's impossible because I'm infertile. I'm all, what? He's all, yeah, she bought it. She was faking the whole time. But he just doubled down and, yeah, that worked. That's a good way to call it. Yeah, that worked.

That's a good way to call it. Well, I mean, it was going to go one way or the other in a couple of months. So, yeah. There's the quick P. Yeah, that's quick P. All right. Do you want to go to this? Yeah, we can go to those. I just had a thought about

keep going I have been like the worst fucking breakup guy like not quite I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me but steering that way like I've been in a million fucking relationships

when I was a kid that I was the biggest douchebag ever. I mean, you were also like on the road, town to town. Oh, I got the code to her voicemail. Listen to her voicemails and then you go, oh, this is exactly what I didn't want to hear and then I never did that again. All right. You just, you do whatever behind my back. Knowing is most of the problem.

That's worse. It's way worse. But yeah, I guess a lot of people are sanctimonious about how fucking they get along with all their exes. I only get along with one. And that's Jody. I get along with your ex. Yes.

Yeah. And I think it's because of the tumultuous. I fucking hate her. No, I'm kidding. But the tumultuous past has taught me one thing, that the stripper girl, I can laugh about the story. I can tell the story, and it's funny, and it is like, whoa, fuck, that was crazy!

But she can't. She still harbors things, and I feel sorry for her because I wish it would be one of those things. I think I grew up past that. When Jody and I split, Doug, your advice was walk away. I did. It was hard, but I walked away from a house

that we had bought. That was just the easiest thing to do. I'm glad. You don't want to carry those things. It doesn't always have to end that way but yeah I think hindsight 2020 I would have done some things different

it's really that's the fucking Mia Farrow thing. If you can't let go of fucking hate, if you live that far back and just stew on shit. Well, going from what your standpoint here is, is it just the blossom of what that one thing turned into. I mean, how many years later? I mean, everything that came from that, whatever was going on in their relationship that it ended,

look at how it has just grown into this monster. I sometimes wonder, like right now for the first time, if I wasn't a drunk, how much would I be holding on to? Where I go, I just forgot about that. Oh, yeah, that's right. We did date for three years. Water over the bridge. I guess it's easier. Oh,

you're that Rebecca. I like to live in the moment. Cause it's the only thing that I'm aware of. It's safer, man. The water only goes up to your knees. You can't drown. Not in the present.

Whoever does the Twitter at Stan Hope quotes, if that's still a thing. Yeah. Make sure that's a quote. I remember. Whatever I just said, I already forgot. Yeah. It'll be on episode 435 of the podcast. All right.

Let's get to questions. Hold on. One thing I want to, before we go into questions, if you have questions, you can send them to Stanhopepodcast at Gmail, or I check it multiple times during the week. Become a member of Patreon. Go to patreon.com slash Stanhopepodcast, and why not? Throw in a couple bucks, and I answer every question that comes in on Patreon. And we appreciate your fucking $5 a month for the first time ever.

Thank you, COVID. We appreciate $5 a month. And that's how you get into the happy hours that we do live streaming and stuff like that, too, as well as answering the questions. Do you have any follow-up on the Dane Cook podcast, which we did, that came out last week? No, I just had so much fun doing it, and I'm glad that I'm getting good responses on Twitter.

Yeah, it was healing in a way. And in a very arrogant way, I think maybe it was as healing or more for him. Yeah, he was relieved. Yeah, I get that. I was a cock. I was more of a cock to him than I even brought up. It was unnecessary.

But I like the way it all played out. So if you haven't heard that, go to it. It's 434, When We Were King with Dane Cook. And yeah, I'm glad that everyone is receiving it the same way as it went down. Because it was... Hey, follow Ray Lynn Nelson. I think it's Ray Lynn Nelson Band. Jaylee will put it in the notes.

I did her podcast. It's Willie Nelson's granddaughter has a podcast. And I did that. That's where I realized we did two hours. Hopefully they edit it down to less than that. Because at first, I don't know her. But once a cocktail started kicking in, then it was a lot more fun. It was great.

They asked good questions. Yeah, and they're on the road. She's in a band. Looking for a drummer. Looking for a drummer. I don't know. She's stockpiling podcasts now. drummer. I don't know. She's stockpiling podcasts now. I didn't realize until like an hour and 15 in that I go, I'd ask you more questions about you, but this is your podcast. So probably everyone

knows everything that I was about to ask. And she goes, oh, this is actually the first one we're taping. Like, ah, fuck. I wish I knew that when we started. And I wish I started drinking an hour earlier because it got fun after I started drinking. So, yeah, Ray Lynn... Ray Lynn Nelson Band is the band. Yeah, Ray Lynn is

R-A-E-L-Y-N. L-Y-N. Yeah. And you can just go to RayLynnNelsonBand.com. I'm not finding her. Let's see if her Twitter's here at the bottom where it should be. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, fuck, it's so much fun. Raylan Nelson is the-

I think it's Jonathan is his name. Fuck. Raylan Nelson is her Twitter handle. Yeah. And it was just good, fun road stories, which you don't hear enough of on this podcast because there hasn't been enough road. All right, let's get to some questions. Did you have an order that you wanted these in? No.

You printed them off. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Nathan asks, he says, I recently saw Doug's TV debut on an evening at the Improv and was shocked how different he sounded in the early years. Not as shocked as I was when I heard that. When did he drop the thick accent? Why did he drop it? Well, that's obvious. And was it hard to teach himself not to talk like that. I think I have no idea. When I went back and heard that, my first, because I'm

talking out of the side of my mouth, I just remember I didn't want to sound like Dice, because Dice was the reason that I go, oh, I can do this. If you haven't heard that story, that's the catalyst. That's not the one we just saw at Senior Frogs or something.

No, but it's the same era. It was a Z Cavaricci pants and a mullet. Yeah, no, it was definitely the mullet. I bought the shirt and tie as a combination in a package from across the street in Santa Monica where they were filming. They sell them like that. Yeah. So it still has the wrinkles. I didn't have an iron.

I just bought the- Oh, the fold wrinkles from when it was in cellophane? Yeah. Did you just get out of prison? Thane? Yeah. Did you just get out of prison? I don't, I wish I could remember the thought process that went into, I should go buy something better than what I brought.

Yeah. Because I drove from Phoenix to do it. But I have no idea. All I remember is I was trying to not sound like dice. So I think I affected an accent. Like purposely steering away from what would sound.

God forbid I actually talked like that all the time back then, but I can't imagine. I'm sure I was putting on some kind of stage facade that drifted away. I did not talk like that normally. I was putting on some kind of stage facade that drifted away. I did not talk like that normally.

I can't guarantee that. I just hope I did not talk like that normally. I was a goddamn telemarketer. You can fucking sell pens for fucking not with that voice. Maybe I did. Maybe it came from telemarketing

I have no idea thank god it went away I'm still not a fan of my voice we can't all be Chad Shank what else here's another Patreon question from someone named Food Sheep just to let you know

I discovered your comedy while working alone during the Excuse you. He's done over. Just to let you know that I discovered your comedy while working alone during the mid-COVID shutdown.

Your shit kept me going through some long days. The last I heard of you was the man show days. And damn if I heard of you was the man show days. And damn, if I don't regret missing the years in between. Well, they're all on tape. And then there's a podcast. So he's become a Patreon member and he's bought all the stuff. It's all part of the permanent record now.

And his friend said, fuck you for ruining comedy for him. But I wanted to read that because we don't know who. What does that mean? You sent my comedy to someone and he said, fuck you for ruining comedy? Did I ruin that?

I never want to watch stand-up again because I hated it so much? No, because it was too good. I think it's like you were a breath of fresh air in that it's different comedy. I mean, read it the way you want. That's the difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday, in my fucking funking depression, I would have thought, see, this is factual evidence that I am no longer worthwhile to be alive.

Today, I go, oh. The reason I brought this one up is because I'm very curious about how we get new listeners. And this is like clearly someone found out because of COVID. They found out that Doug Stenholm is a person who existed after the man show. So that's good. That was a question yesterday or the day before with the

Raylan Nelson band where they said, do you have new, younger people? I go, I have no idea how people find me. Anything else? Word of mouth.

Tell your friends. Yeah, tell your good friends. I don't want fucking shitty listeners. I don't. All right, here's an email from Rosalyn. And I'm just going to paraphrase this down. I was tickled to see my green wigged self at the fun house. I commented on the photos.

Oh, okay. But I didn't read the name. So it was a chick. Cause I, I skimmed through that. I thought that was ad copy. So I skimmed through that before the three lines of copy.

So you, you jumped in. No, I realized these are questions. I didn't realize. Yeah. I was trying to think of a green-haired dude as a cutout. Oh, oh, oh, we, this is, before we get to this question,

I have about 55 cutouts that you have sent for football, and we did fill up the house with all your cutouts for Super Bowl, like we hoped to do, and we tweeted out all those pictures. Now I still have those in the back of a van here because I have nowhere else to put them. What should we do? Please email Stanhope Podcast. What is it?

At Gmail. At Gmail. Didn't you have an idea that had to do with the whole city? Yeah. I think what we should do is find a trailer, a flatbed, and stick them all in the flatbed and have a parade through, at least on Black Knob, back and forth, and then videotape it and put it on Patreon. I was thinking, donate them to the school if they're still having to do,

play games. Basketball or something. Basketball, where they can put fake people in. That's a good idea. We can't put like fucking OJ and stuff in there. Well. There are a few that would probably be.

We'll put some sunglasses on. Drama. Put a mask on them. But yeah, if you have... Oh, and also, I have probably several hundred copies of Deadbeat Hero where I thought, oh, yeah, I'll buy out your remaining stock. But yeah, that's

then years go by. No one wants to buy the 2004 DVD in 2013. It holds up. It's still a great DVD. Michael Welch on Twitter, at Michael Welch, he sent

me a thing. He's an actor. He's been in a bunch of shit I don't watch, like Twilight or something. But he's always been really cool and he went, hey, these are my top ten, which isn't all of them,

Doug Stanhope recordings in order. Would you agree with this? And I'm like like i think fucking like like deadbeat hero is when i went out like two years ago i just drove around and listened to that's right last force myself to listen to all my shit and uh uh from across the street i think is the most underrated like so we went back and forth. I go, I'm far enough removed from this material that I can talk to you

like I'm a viewer and not the guy that did it. The new one was ninth. That hurt. On his list. Yeah, on his list. And I'm like, all right, I'm too close to it. But what was my point? Fuck.

God damn it. Deadbeat Hero. We've got a gazillion. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out. I remember sending a bunch to the troops because I bought like 7,000 fucking copies when they're like, all right, they're ditching this and we have this.

We can sell them to you for pennies on the dollar, basically. And I go, I'll buy the whole fucking thing. That's where all those pallets came from when Joby and I were tripping our balls off when I first moved here. There was a blackout while

we're tripping, so we just stacked all the pallets that Deadbeat Hero had come. So it was like seven pallets that we made a bonfire in this blackout neighborhood while we were tripping. So that's how long they've been sitting around.

I remember sending a bunch to the troops. What was the address? Troops? I had to probably MySpace back then. Hey, does anyone know where you can send shit to the troops? I'll send you a bunch of fucking cases of these. But

where do I send several hundred copies of Deadbeat hero to a uh a charitable organization but one address raider says oh send it to uh english as a second language because they watch fucking dvds to learn english which is great idea, but it's not one address. I can't send one DVD to everyone. It's not a great idea. It's a fucking great idea. I think it's great.

So those are the two things. Yes. Where do we send Deadbeat Hero to and the other thing i was talking about before that well the cutout the green wig uh uh gal that came to the funhouse we didn't know who it was that no one most people don't put their names on these things when we get these cutouts and uh we thought it was maria bamford yeah yeah that's that's when you just read that. That's what I... Oh, green-haired girl. Yeah. I thought it was Bamford.

So what's her name? Rosalyn. And she also says, thank you very much for all the extra content during the pandemic times. And the crew's relatable takes on life, death, friendships, hernias, hemorrhoids, and everything in between. Keep a variety of people going. Humor is the right angle for everything.

And that says Tracy, pet Meatwig for me, Rosalyn. No problem. Oh, and she also says the podcast with Dan Cook was fantastic. So, yes. Cheers to you, Rosalyn. Meatwig did leave a dead bird at the sliding glass door of the

bedroom. And I was just thinking we could eBay yard sale that. We should go back to weekly eBay yard sales. I got one more. I get some thank

yous. Hold on, I got one more. No, no, no. We'll save that for last. I want to do my thank yous really quick. Some guy sent me a three page, very vulgar, I am assuming baiting-inspired comic strip. And it's got a lot of puke, poop, shit, and things. And I go, this is just grotesque and awful. But there's so much puke and vomit and shit in it that I laughed and I passed it around.

This girl's name. God damn it. Put it on. You send me a lot of things, nice lady in Oregon that once got mad because I didn't fucking. Oh, yeah. This is the one that got mad. She sent you some. Annette.

She's from Oregon. Why did she get mad? She got mad because we forgot to you were going to respond. She sent something to Tracy or something and you hadn't responded. What about this shirt? No, this lady. Okay. I don't know what this

I don't know what she's, but there was a thing and I go, oh she felt like she got fucked over. We did bring it up like she got fucked over. We did bring it. It was a shirt. And then we did. That's the shirt? That's the shirt, yeah.

Let's start a cult. Let's start a cultist from Annette? Oh, no, I don't know if it was from her, but I know. All right. There was a kerfuffle over. She makes all this, like, kooky artwork, but she's put so much time into it. Annette, you know how hard it is for me to throw this out

and that's why I don't that's why when you buy stuff from the merch Doug Stanhope slash promo code merch it's not it at all but yeah when you go yeah I what I do with

all these because I don't when you go, yeah, what I do with all these, because I don't, when you put, like send me a letter that's all, you know, you put a lot of time into the artwork in that. I'm not going to throw it out. I can't give it to the thrift store because they don't give a fuck. So what Tracy does with most of the fan mail that we get here at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603.

Yeah. Tracy includes that in other people's merch purchases. So your fan letters will go to another fan and that way I don't feel bad about throwing away your artwork and your

shit cartoons. This gal sent me a, I can't read, Katie Roberts. She wrote me a letter, sealed it when she lived in Australia. Years later, she found it sealed because she had never sent it.

Sent it, now she's back in she had never sent it. Sent it. Now she's back in the States, in Oregon. She sent me the sealed letter saying, I have no idea what I wrote in this. I was living in Australia. And yeah, it was a very nice, nice letter. And this guy fucking, look at the handwriting on this guy. You'd think it was the Constitution. That's like prison handwriting.

No, it's the founding father's handwriting. Ed Thompson. This is a really fucking nice letter that addresses all of us. And what is this? Oh, that's. All right. So I just had to get the thank yous I have in front of me out. And now we can get to the last.

Last one is from Holly. Says, hello, I love you all. Question to Stanhope and Shaley. At which point did you realize you needed each other and would never let each other go? We realize it every single day. We were just talking about the origin story with Raider, telling him how you hated, like, I hired you at Coots, but have he never met you? Yeah, but it's the missing years, like Jesus.

you. Yeah, but it's the missing years like Jesus. We know he's born in a manger at Coots on a fucking weird booking. And then... There's a couple years the next year you came back and I was at the radio station.

The next thing I remember is 2001 right before 9-11 when you showed up on the road oh when you you and becker becker yeah yeah doing a triple run following you in my in my pathfinder and licking a fucking window in front of people yeah you guys have me doing some weird shit yeah i have no i but I remember that happening. And yeah, if you could piece together when you have to write a book and you have to go through all your crawl space and all your diaries and all your fucking social media to figure out.

I don't know when you guys moved here. I asked Tracy that every time. Well, you don't know that person? Well, permanently 2013. Full on permanent. But I'd been coming out for years. But in 96, I was working at the radio station. I'd stopped working at Coots.

And you came in because now they were hiring you every year. And I had nothing to do with comedy after that for a while. And you came in at the morning show, still up from the night with girl JJ, her wild girlfriend. And you smelled so bad. I remember it was like pig pen with the fucking flies and the dust going around you. I remember your overcoat and the mullet. And still, you know. I had long hair by then. I didn't have a mullet.

Whatever. It was the package back then. And I remember the program director told me to just follow you around and spray Lysol on everything you touched. And you turned around about ready to punch me. And yeah, I didn't know you, so I thought

you could punch me. But then after that, I didn't know you so I thought you could punch me but then after that I didn't I don't think we talked I knew who you were because of Coots I've been in touch with Coots ever since

and Hedberg well I was always working for Hedberg before working with you but then I took over your website you're the one that

called me and told me that Hedberg died when I lived in Playa del Rey right before I moved here I was already doing stuff for you before that. I know, but I'm saying, I don't know chronologically what happened in between 95 and 2005. You did my website for me.

I took over your website because it was a mess. It's fun, but it wasn't very organized and you wanted updates. Remember, we used to do updates. Yeah, Janae did my original website and I still like that. There was two. The other one was a guy I wrote about in

This Is Not Fame, Horse. He did a version of my website that had a vintage motel backdrop. Like a Route 66 motel neon sign. But I don't know what happened to that. I would love to go back to my original website. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Kind of like the original cover of Die Laughing. Mm-hmm. I have one of those CDs still. I have one of those signed. Fucking Dave Rader doesn't even have a copy of, and I don't know if we have any, Baiting.

Baiting. Oh. I think we have a copy. I'm sure I have a copy. I have one that you signed to me. Yeah, he won't order it online because of the title. One of those things that we'll get to. It's on the list.

So at one point, I started working for you as a webmaster, and then I would see you anytime you came into where I was working I would see you and be working with you and then after Hedberg died then we started working more yeah it's it's kind of like uh if a couple uh well we were just friends for years. I've never been in one of these situations. We were friends for years, and then we fell in love. It's usually the other way.

Yeah, we fell in love. We've fucked for three months, and now let's just hang out. Yeah, this is comfortable. Yeah, so I don't know when we fell in love, but I do remember when we found brown paper tickets. Yep. How do you remember that?

Because we were on the road, long driving, and I was opining about, you know, all the people that don't show up for gigs, the fucking booker doesn't fucking tell you how many tickets you sold that didn't show up. Yeah. Yeah, the club owners, yeah. Because we were just starting a four wall.

But there was also an issue because of the Sean Rouse thing where you wanted to get away from having the club owners be able to dictate things. And one of them was the obviously unsold seats that they sell two times, three times and make the money. But don't tell you, oh, still didn't sell out. What the fuck? Just like an airline. Like an airline.

You miss your flight. That fucking guy flying standby. He pays and you don't get your money back. In fact, you get penalized. You lose money. Yep. The other thing was- And I said, what if we do like PayPal for tickets?

And then you found brown paper tickets. I was living in Seattle at the time and they were in Fremont. And I went with them because at the time, online ticketing thing was all fucked up because of Pearl Jam and Ticketmaster. And everyone was very wary of the ticket sites for all of a sudden. Because you used to just pay. You'd wait in line and sleep out in front of fucking Tower Records or Licorice Pizza and wait to fucking buy tickets and pay $30 extra. But they only charged $0. cents plus a small percentage.

And we went with the company that I was familiar with in Seattle. God damn it. I don't know anything about the outside world, but I hope the pandemic has fucking crippled, hamstringed, and fucking laid to rest. I hope every ticket master, fucking et cetera, have all fucking buckled under because no one's going to concerts. I hope you're fucking dying. I hope you saved the fucking $35 fees

that you fucking charged my fans when I didn't have a better option for a venue than all your stupid cities that you monopolize. I hope your fucking kids are fucking dying like Sally Struthers fucking babies in your arms. I hope they have

flies on their eyes. This is how you got kicked out of Caesars. So you won't be able to buy a Ticketmaster ticket big deal I hope that you died first as a business and all that money that people were

going to spend fucking way too much money on your service charges convenience fees convenience fees yeah I hope that goes to frontline responders. We're going to wrap this up and then we're going to go drink more because we're heroes. If just for one day. Bingo.

Take us out of this. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you. you