The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#445: That Long Haired Guy Is Back

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Doug is back in Bisbee when a friend of the show unexpectedly peeks over the fence.  Chaille checks in from the HAA Convention in St. Louis with his brother's company, Ghost Ride Productions (ghostride.com) and Doug catches up on some overdue Thank Yous.   Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0   Recorded May 7th, 2021 between Bisbee and St. Louis, MO via Zoom with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).  Produced and Edited Chaille.   Dates are starting to gel so get on the Mailing List for email notice of all things stanhope Post-Covid at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.'   LINKS -   Credit Karma - Right now, visit CREDITKARMA.com/WinMoney to open your free account and start winning Instant Karma. CreditKarma.com/WinMoney   BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope.   It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty   Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox)   Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023   Visit the Stanhope Store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store   Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant   Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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It was you. I didn't touch you. There you are. I've been drinking. Me too. Well, I started strong on a Negroni. I started at 8 this morning with Bailey.

What? Making sure we're recording. I started at 8 this morning with Bailey's and then packed a couple of water bottles full of Bailey's to the uh showroom floor where we have a keurig so um bailey's isn't drinking i know but then later i realized uh the whole booth was drunk when i went to get my second airplane bottle of vodka and mix it with a $4 seven up. And I realized I've just pulled out seven empty

fucking airline bottles from this bag. And I've only had one. This booth is drunk. How many people are in the booth? You, Tracy and your brother and who? It's, it's fucking dude. It's, we've been doing this 21 years 13 years in in st louis this is like the first year when it was me and my brother and one guy it's really it's literally michael his wife amy tracy and myself that's it nice yeah it is good yeah i got a text from uh johnny dares producer hey yeah sorry just got your new phone number from Chaley. I know you couldn't not. Can we do Monday?

I know it's early for you, but can you do it? How about we prerecord? How about you fucking stay up till my... I start drinking at 3, so that would be 5 p.m. Prerecord. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to when I hear the lead-in when they bring me on. They do like a

Greg Shealy, born in Fullerton, California, and he gives me this whole thing where I feel like I've done something with my life. And then they go, and here's an excerpt from the Doug Stanhope podcast. And it is basically me and you. It sounds like we're recording a rap song

they're bleeping it so much oh yeah I forget that too it's fucking terrestrial radio so I'd have to watch my language who does that anymore you should you should seriously ask to pre-record I don't think they would have a problem with that Johnny was was in the booth today. He came in. It was great. He's a huge supporter of Ghost Ride and everything. Have you had any fun? When is this over? It's never over.

It never ends. That's how we feel here with company. It seems like a solid six weeks or something. You're like the Four Seasons, dude. There's always customers coming in. Yeah, it was Valentina that had her whole family here. As soon as they left, I left, but I came back, and then the Eriksons were here. And the day the Eriksons left, I left and, but I came back and then the Ericsons were here

and the day the Ericsons left bingo's entire family and their extended family, six of them came in. So tomorrow, uh, uh, Raider and I are going to just beat feet early. So we don't have to do the big goodbye with the family. We're just going to go up to Tucson for a night or two so yeah great and then never well I don't think we've mentioned this I am in two days in from the trans world Halloween attraction show in Halloween and attraction show in St. Louis. It's my brother's company, Ghost Ride.

And I got time off because I'm producing a bunch of video for the booth. So I decided I'd call Doug and we could do a podcast and get it out there because I'm still out of town. And that's where I am. You're still obviously at Funhaus. Yes, I am. And I'm pre-smoking in it, so the family goes inside when they get back.

Hey, guy, how's it going, man? I mean, that is a guy who's at a cutout. Guy moves as much as like a sloth or a cutout in real life. Hey, you know what? I'm just going to burn through, because there's a stack here of thank yous. Rich Viar, we know him very well. He sent some stuff.

What I didn't do is write down what they sent. He sent something really cool, and I forget. Someone might have sent money. I don't remember. Did someone send his money? Annette? I sent it to you to hold on. Give it to me when I get there.

Yeah, a guy brought us a carton of uh cigarettes that's uh and you know what he did oh here's what happened chaley so uh the family is all out on the patio and we're just sitting around it's a you know bingo's family there's a hot afternoon and over the gate this long-haired, stringy kid, ropey, comes like he just fucking survived a month-long trek through the Sahara and sticks his head over going, hey, can I get some water? I'm a fan. I'm a fan. I was here in August.

I helped you clean the funhouse. Oh, I remember that guy. I don August. I helped you clean the fun house. Oh, I remember that guy. I don't. No, we had the fun house. They were painting it, and we pulled all the stuff out. And so he was, like, standing around, and you're like, Shaylee, put him to work. So I made him, like, sort, like, screws or something stupid

just to see if he would leave. But he didn't. He did all the work it was great uh yeah well he i said you know you get your water but you can't stay i'm i've got a family function going on right here and he's like can i stay till the sun goes down i go no you can't okay and he's like kneeling at my feet i'm at the end of the patio outside and he's like kneeling at my feet like i'm like you're christ yeah or i think that was about to say that but i think it was christ that was washing other people's oh that's true yeah yeah yeah so like you're a beggar like he was christ yeah hey he's like and very close to my personal space and I'm just saying yeah

well I would write I'm sleeping in my car and it's an old Bisbee I walked from old Bisbee and I'm like wow it's downhill two miles from old Bisbee to Warren is it I thought it was a little more I think it's three round trips so it's a little three oh that maybe it's three one way. So it's a little bit. Oh, maybe it's three one way. I only did it once. Oh yeah. I go, yeah.

A lot of people have walked that. In fact, I emailed, he said, I sent you an email. I go, I don't check my emails regularly, but when I did find it,

I go, you know, I know elderly people, you know, Mike and Judy from the baseball field, they walked to old Bisbee and they're like 70 and fat. So, uh, I don't know what you're crying about. That happened.

Then this morning, we run into Guy at the Shady Dell at Dots Diner for breakfast. I'm like, holy shit, that's Guy. Come join us. Of course, he just sits there and says nothing and smiles and laughs even when I don't even know that there's a joke happening he's just laughing

and it's not always acid it's just Guy so I get a frantic call from Bingo hey there's a that long hair guy is back Guy also has long hair and it could easily be confused for that ropey kid

that's begging for agua. She goes, yeah, they saw him looking over the fence at Van Dyke and now he's parked over by Tarek's and he's walking around. I go, no, that's not the same kid. That's Guy. He's supposed to come over.

So I went and found where he was. He was just being polite. When he brought the fucking car... Was I went and found where he was he was just being polite that what he brought the fucking car yeah it was guy well no it's two days later this was two days and now we were expecting a long-haired fucking stringy kid yeah but he was so polite he goes oh yeah I brought those cigarettes for you the gate was open and he just looked in and just slid the carton of cigarettes down the driveway rather than fucking say anything to Jonathan and Raider were out there on the patio, but he didn't say anything. Like playing shuffleboard?

He just shoved them as far as he could? Like a bocce ball or something? Yeah, and until I saw him this morning at breakfast, I just assumed it was that same kid that we gave water to and shooed away. He was getting credit for a $100 carton of cigarettes. He couldn't buy a bottle of water at the corner store, but he had a carton, he was mulling a carton of cigarettes for you? I thought maybe he was trying to get back in our good graces and sort out another deck of screws. I leave and it's like Thunderdome over there. What the fuck is going on,

man? It's fun. Dad just walked in. Dad's here. Raider's here. British Jonathan's here. Guy's here. I assume the rest of the Binghamton crew are on their way. Yeah, it's a family reunion,

right? Yeah, pretty much. I think it's the first time they're all in the same room since the, the other gals had partners. If I, if I am correct, I don't think bingo's left.

Yeah. Yeah. This is the first time they've all been here that it didn't end up in a fucking emergency room. That's true. Yes. Yes. Yeah, we miss Tracy. We miss her

crossword expertise. It's no fun to watch hockey if we can't shit on her team. She'll know. Yeah, well, I text her. I was glorious. I put on put on oh oilers are just starting edmonton oilers and i put on the game and whoever they're playing against scored in the first 34

seconds and i texted her a bunch of shit and then we turned it off and put on something else and they ended up losing and then she tried to talk shit and i'm like we don't really care if you're not here yeah it falls It falls on deaf ears. Yeah. And I still have no idea what anyone's schedule is. And I don't think you do either. Hennigan's booking stuff. And I'm like. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean? I mean, I don't. Why do I need to know someone else's schedule? I know my schedule. Yeah, but I don't know your schedule. I don't know when Tracy's heading east and you're going north and where I'm going to be. That all got changed. Did you hear about that? I heard about it, but I don't know your schedule. I don't know when Tracy's heading east and you're going north and where I'm going to be. That all got changed. Did you hear about that?

I heard about it, but I don't. We're going to change next week. There's so many fucking. I don't. When's the family coming in? Bingo never knows anything. Who's coming and who's going. I'll say this.

Aaron Guy is a wild card. Okay, Guy and the Agua, the the give me agua guy they're wild cards but i i know uh bingo's dad is in the room uh we were prepared for your your arrival uh doug baby didn't know but the people who needed to know knew i don't know anything i like i don't even know you don't Hennegan just called me and he told me like a bunch of dates he's solidified for people on the mailing list hey make sure you're on the mailing list because those tickets are going to go to those places first

but I don't even want to know where I'm working I know when but I know when I have to start and I know I have to start sooner than that to figure out how to be a fucking comedian again but I don't want to deal with November and I don't even want to think about it get in the van dude that's all you need to know get in the van I'm having a book that are you know are the mountain time zone if you haven't uh uh listened to the new book I still don't know

when we're going to put out a hard copy of the book. I'm very reticent to get back into the, into the world. I don't like the world. The world sucked, but you guys need money. I was drunk last night when Hennigan called me and said, Hey,

they want to add extra shows at some place. And I go, I'm sitting to pee. I'm drunk. And I'm saying yes, because you and Jalen need the money. I'm doing it drunk, and I'm saying yes because you and Jay need the money. I'm doing it for you. I'm saying yes for you.

But I know we're fine. But, yeah, I have to say yes to things. I told you many times, Doug, don't say yes on account of me or Tracy. Why? I can blame it on you then. Okay. If you need a scapegoat. We were at dinner with

some uh some people these two gals are really awesome we were talking about crayfish at the crayfish boil yeah we had i had i had crayfish boil stories that i could tell someone from north carolina right it's great because we just had that crawfish boil, right? But she's like, oh, you work for a comedian. Anyone I know, is he funny? I go, if he was funny, do you think I'd have a second job selling masks to farmers?

We got along famously after that uh i i went i went down to the san pedro where you like to go watch birds down the river that runs from mexico into america north america all right well i didn't have that kind of uh that tour guide knowledge to I went with Michael Bean and his dog, Cowboy, and we were going to play tennis. I go, well, let's just wait and play tennis when the Bingamons get in and we can play some mixed doubles with the sisters. and uh let's just go down and walk the dog and he was all about it and he was very happy and he was he was yammering on we're talking as we walked the river and uh and he said i said yeah well my uh my in-laws get in tonight the whole family and the you know there's six of them and i said but it's not a bad thing i i really like them and he goes yeah no they sound like great people i know uh her dad did all that stuff for bingo when she was then figured out how to get her off the feeding tube.

And I'm like, oh, shit, I forgot you read my book. And I'm asking them if they know who Michael Bean is and they have no idea. I go, that's great. You don't know the famous guy. And the famous guy knows all about you. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, and I went to that new antique store by the Dairy Queen. The one that kept pushing back their opening date.

Yeah, we went in there today. And just a bunch of old lunch boxes and a million figurines. And they had a Michael Biehn figurine from Aliens. Yeah, yeah. Two of them for $24.95. They don't have them anymore. No, I didn't oh what i'll go back there's two no one's going in there but uh but i said i picked it up and i showed the guy i go you know this guy lives in town right he goes what did you do they're now fifty dollars a piece yeah if he went in and signed them. But he does those signings all the time.

What does he get for an autograph at one of those Comic-Con things? Yeah. He's like the guy that would be, we go to Monsterpalooza pre-COVID. We would go to Monsterpalooza, and all of those dudes would be lined up and they're just sitting there at tables there's you know 50 of them and they they would sit there and they'd sign all day yeah i could totally see him having a line too yeah i made the mistake of telling jennifer that uh tar can do the karaoke without you so we can do it anytime and now she's jacking up raider why are we doing it when are we doing it all right these are nighttime ideas yeah no nighttime uh translation drunk ideas yeah

yeah yeah yeah i'm trying to wean myself off the raider dave raider drinking hours start at three and try to be i think i was up when the folks came i had to stay up because they stayed up till almost 11 playing poo on your neighbor. The first day I'm like, wow, dad's awake. Dad says he stays awake till like one o'clock in the morning.

Sometimes I'm like, I'm in bed by eight a lot. Let me grab a beer. Hold on. Yeah, go ahead. I'll kill some time. Bill Burr style.

I'll do my pod Monday morning ahead. I'll kill some time Bill Burr style. I'll do my Monday morning podcast all by myself. Our sponsor, Credit Karma. Who doesn't want instant gratification? If you're looking for satisfaction, there's no need to wait. With Credit Karma money, you could win cash reimbursements for debit purchases. wait. With Credit Karma Money, you could win cash reimbursements for debit purchases. Credit Karma Money is a brand new checking account where you can win cash reimbursements for making purchases. When you use your Credit Karma Money debit card, you can win daily instant karma purchase reimbursements on items up to $5,000. Just pay with your debit card and if you win, you'll be

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inc member fbic maximum balance and transfer limits apply i need a cocktail too you'll probably edit this out i don't get it good teacharek and Bingo how to not edit. I told him that. I go, whatever you do, just always think in terms of how do I not stop this thing rolling? How do I just keep going and going and going? Okay. Well, the last one they did was Gretchen Baer, who's a local artist here for the listener. And we have a storied history with her.

And so they panic when Bingo and Tarek edit. They just panic over, oh, I cleared my throat. Should we add a graphic? That was an actual thing that they were fretting about. So this week after Gretchen, he's like, yeah, I wore these shiny pants and the light was coming right off my crotch. So it looks

like it was highlighting my crotch and these tight, shiny fucking rock and roll pants. That's awesome, dude. And he's like, and then I put my hand down at one point and it looks like I'm accentuating it. And I'm like, you're overthinking this. And Jonathan comes in this morning.

He says, I watched the latest podcast, and Tarek has an enormous shiny boner. So they were accurate about that. So they were accurate about that. So definitely check out the Paint the Town Bear, I think is the name of that podcast. Oh, cool. And make sure to comment about his boner. His shiny, enormous boner. His package, highlighted package.

Yeah, because Jonathan already texted him once we told him, oh, that's already a bone of contention as they say so he's already probably losing his shit so if you go on i'm sure it's on youtube i don't know uh it's a vodka juice box i'll have a i'll have show notes the link will be in there i got some more fucking thank yous god damn it there's like so much shit I just want to get rid of it but I want I don't know okay I will add Mattisac

Josh Matusak I assume it's Matusak because that's the football player from the Oakland Raiders in the late 70s. Hank from Tucson. All right. I have these things. I don't know what you said, but I put these here.

The 420 Sinner. Okay. You just got mentioned. Holy shit, are there a lot. What are they? Lady. The cheese lady. You plug the cheese lady.

Barbara Brewer. Barbara. No, plug her business no one knows who she is no but the the name is uh uh mile high munchies mile high munchies she sent this because we mentioned her on the podcast so she sent us over this giant charcuterie thing hey how cool is this it's a fucking 1946 american airlines uh which yeah 1948 so doug we haven't we haven't been in airports in a while we spent uh almost three hours in the seattle airport c-tag which is that main central terminal between a and b and c and d there's a there it was like a before

covid they were doing a complete renovation. So I'm like, all right, we're over at the end gates, the far gates. And that's where we met uphill Dave's son. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we're in the Alaska Airlines. And we're way over at end gates. That is a fucking kick-ass lounge, right?

I go, well, let's touch all the bases. Let's hit them all. I'm making a Negroni as we speak, so keep going. I go over to the D gates, and there's a wait list to get in. The N gates, wide open, and it's way better, right? Because you can see the runway. A wait list to get into what? Into the lounge. Delta Sky Club? No, we were at alaska airlines so that's where we're at right so so next to the alaska airlines d gate lounge there's a store and they sell old logos from uh airlines that no longer exist on t-shirts oh that's great i i am and transcontinental piedmont airlines yeah yeah

very cool but it's so weird because like like we've been we haven't been in the airport in so long that they've really changed things and the one thing they haven't done is complete the fucking renovation of the central terminal for the entire COVID. They still got fucking pardon the dust on everything in the middle of Seattle. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, I've talked to a lot of people who have been flying

and they say it's right back to like it was. Middle seats and all. So we did play tennis. Bean didn't show up he forgot uh that we were supposed to play tennis and i was happy with that but then i had already told the sisters that we were going to be playing tennis with michael bean so they were already i yeah they didn't see the the binghamins the problem with these these Bingamons is they're sober.

So when you say something at night, they just show up. They don't double check in the morning. So I'm sitting there doing my crossword puzzle Wednesday morning, and Brooke comes in and says, oh, you're still here. They're all on their way down to the tennis courts. It's 10 to noon. It was supposed to be high noon. I'm like, ah, fuck.

I go, I haven't even heard from Bean. So if he wasn't going, I wasn't going to go. And I wasn't going to remind him because I didn't really want to play tennis. Yeah, it was morning. I wanted to play tennis at high noon at high, you know, when I was high. The night before. So we went down. And I'm like, all right, well, Brooke, Kelly, your boyfriend's going to stand in for Bean, and he's a fucking tower.

This guy's like, I don't know, was he 6'6 or something? He's the guy from Alaska, right? Yeah, he's got a beard down to his belly. He's a fucking great guy. Couldn't play tennis worth a shit. Even Brooke was perfect. But yeah, he could reach the

ball. He just couldn't hit it. He was the perfect height for Brooke when she was lobbing them that might have gone out of the park, but he could swat it down onto his head anyway then bingo and tarik show up so we do okay we'll do mixed triples so we just had bingo and tarik on at the

ends like the out of bounds for all the balls yeah no just hitting the ones that were going far so yeah we had fun we didn't figure out how to score it by any means, but got some sun, got a little blood going through the heart. Yeah, it's weird because in St. Louis, we're usually here in March, like early March, like March 5th was the show in 2020 that got canceled. So we're here now, and it's like it's rained a couple of days but it's like 80 degrees when it's not raining and so like we're all like packing jackets and overcoats just as a memory muscle memory oh we're going to st louis yeah i'll get that heavy coat yeah

bring something with a hoodie and we're here and it's like fuck man cut those pants into shorts it's fucking sunny outside it's it's Dave Raider's birthday so I've been up yeah so I've been up since 4.30 in the morning I called him

immediately but let's not make moves right away I want to listen to the rest of my book on tape in bed with my eye mask on and so i don't know 6 37 we get together and i i took him to sierra vista to get my nails painted for his birthday so he watched you get your nails painted for his birthday no he sat in the suburban like some kind of beaten house you didn't even go in no i said well it's right next to the dollar tree which i took him to the dollar tree i said anything you want

let me get this straight for dave raider's birthday you took him to sierra vista to get my nails suburban as you got your nails done but you tempted him with the fact that he could go into the dollar store. I told him he could get it whenever he wants. Shopping spree. Everything's a dollar. At the dollar store. The dollar tree.

No, other dollar stores, like family dollar. The dollar tree is the lowest branch on the dollar fucking tree. But everything's a dollar. Like the other ones aren't. It's horrible. He had a nice time. I went in with him

because I had to wait 10 minutes to get the nails painted and then put his wife beside a Ross dress for less and a Marshall's. He could have gone in there. You let him? I didn't even realize the keys were in the Suburban. I go, yeah, I leave the fucking keys in the car so you can put on the air conditioning.

That's not what he does. He didn't even have the car on. He had the door open because it was 95 degrees. He's like in an abused relationship. He just makes me sit in the car. He's like, how come you don't turn the thing? I don't want to turn the air on because he'll know I turned the air on.

He makes you listen to NPR? That animal. Actually, we got a good book on tape. It's called Napoleon's Hemorrhoids and Other Tales that Have Altered History. Yeah? Yeah, and it's just a bunch of dumb factoids. Like Napoleon had hemorrhoids so bad that he waited at Waterloo because he couldn't get on a horse.

And if he'd have fucking gone in early, then, yeah, then he might have won. And then, I don't know, Hitler would have killed himself. I don't know. It's just a bunch of dumb – it's a toilet reading book. Wait, Napoleon's hemorrhoids killed Hitler? That's the headline. It was a convoluted introduction to the book. Napoleon's hemorrhoids killed Hitler? That's the headline. It was a convoluted

introduction to the book. We didn't listen to a lot of it, but you go, all right. It's just something dumb we can listen to on our way to Tucson. Dave Rader has not been outside the Bisbee City limits since COVID started. Just to watch him

glow in the bright lights. Oh, you mean to watch him from inside the nail salon. I took him to the car wash. The glow from NPR lit his face. I took him to the car wash too and I let him drive because of my

nails. They were still drying. He's like, he's pretending he's driving because he's on the conveyor belt that pulls up through the car wash. Look at me, I'm driving. Look at me. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. They're like, go this way.

To get into the groove, get on the track. He didn't get that way. He fucking, yeah, he mulliganed that whole fucking car wash. He jumped the rail going into a car wash. Yeah, and then I thought, oh, geez, it's after 11. I could take him for sushi. And I forget, we've just talked about how much he hates sushi for the last three days.

I completely forgot. But I took British Jonathan to sushi yesterday. Uh-oh, helicopter. And it wasn't his birthday? No, Jonathan, it was just his lucky day. Oh, yeah. He got to go inside. Yeah, we did.

He got to leave the vehicle. Yeah, Jonathan, we ate like kings at the Han at Tokyo. Yeah, it's fantastic. This is the only good month in Bisbee. I hate to say it. All you fucking numbskulls that are buying property out here.

Yep, if you're not here for May, well, then it's going to get stifling hot and then the monsoons is going to bring the humidity and the bugs and then the bugs don't leave. Oh, here comes Dan. Let's get Dan over here. Come on over. Just get your face in here.

Because I've described you. I just want them to see the giant Alaskan that was the weak link in tennis. Hey, Dan. How's it going, man? Dan's great because he's had to go with the family on all these. They did the Lavender Jeep tour. Then they did the mine tour. And I'm like, hey, don't worry, buddy. i got a fucking traveler for you i got a travel mug he's like oh yeah okay fill that up with whiskey and yeah he's had a he's had a fun time that he'll

never remember that was my question it's like because i know that the biggum and gals does does dan drink because if that of course dan drinks okay good. I know he's from Alaska. They're telling horror stories from the slope. They can't drink on the slope. They do, but they're not allowed to. Huge anti-drug. It's not because of natives. There's no native

population. I didn't say natives. You said natives. It's a fucking well-known fact. Oh, it's a safety thing. Oh, the safety thing. All right. I didn't say native. You said native.

I'm saying I know about all the dry counties because of the natives. Oh, okay. The Inuits. They have dry counties. So I assumed it was that. But no, you're right. It's a safety issue because all people do is work 16 hours a day up there and then i it was like you know how other people get upset watching those uh you know uh

aspca sad diana glotlin yeah you know commercials just hearing that they have to work in a place where there's no bar and you can't drink i was sad i was i was welling up with tears and i go maybe we can do something maybe we could start some kind of charity or i don't know i was motivated to drink and that's why i'm drinking that would be funny just get stock footage from bp uh of like uh uh workers on the slope and then have the sarah mclaughlin video or the song playing underneath and then do a voiceover of like help these people they're up there for two weeks at a time with no liquor we have to talk to each other during a shift

do you know when we did the uh humane society benefit after the hernia surgery. I remember that's how you angled it so you traded hernia surgery for the Humane Society like you did a gig. That's how it ended up. We did a benefit show. I wasn't there. Well, we had Jimmy G. I said

let's make a Sarah McLaughlin montage video with that song playing to play before the show. But it'll be animal porn. And he did it, but he did it like lightweight. He did animal on animal porn. So, yeah, yeah. Like you wanted like money shots, a crocodile money shot.

I look at the fucking guy. Well, you're not prone to watch these things, but there's like the famous one about the guy. They made a documentary that was getting fucked by a horse. Oh, up in Eugene. Yeah. Yeah, it was somewhere up there, Bend or something. Andy knows all about that story, like way too much.

Andy, were you holding the camera camera that's what i wanted playing before the show started it was a montage of like a guy getting killed by getting fucked by a horse with that beautiful song playing but yeah he went the right way he went with the kitten snuggling in a in a basket with towels well no there's like puppy fucking a chicken videos. I used to do it. Whoa! Or trying to, you know, hump a... He went softcore with the animal porn.

I like my animal porn. A dog fucking a chicken on camera? That's not softcore. Well, it's cute. It's a puppy trying to help a sheep or something. That's not on a Hallmark card, Doug. It's not like... A dog fucking a chicken?

It wasn't doing like all the angles so you could see it enter. That's the... That's behind a paywall. I have Ichabod trying to help Henry Phillips on a T-shirt, and it's in my hall of fame collection I don't even know but you don't see Ichabod's balls slamming up against Henry's thighs you're drunk betterhelp.com uh some days lately any help would, but this is better than any help. This is

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Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I remember making Dan a whiskey sour. It was the last thing I remember last night. He goes, I'll try that. He said, it's good. The next thing I remember is waking up with my cigarette still in my shorts pocket in bed. So, yeah, we're getting through this you thought you thought kobe was roving part two the family not having tracy there during during uh family gatherings that's uh that's a tough one but yeah i learned how to make

uh whiskey sours and Wow, we'll see. We made Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, we made some beautiful strawberry margaritas in the Vitamix. I hate that we don't have, like, I hate that we're such a, I don't want to say shoddy, but we're not the type of podcast that can get Vitamix sponsors, but I'd sell the fuck out of it. Have you tried to get a Vitamix sponsor, Doug? Have I mentioned them on the podcast before? Yes, I have.

Wait, you've said it, you've couched it in terms of, I would love to be a sponsor of Vitamix because I am a daily user of the Vitamix. Yes, I have said that. You've never said that. I have because I told you I edit the podcast. I don't know how much fucking

bingo paid for a blender. I went fucking ballistic. Like the cheap models are like 300. The Ninja. No, it's not a Ninja. Ninja is some other bullshit brand. Yeah, it's a knockoff. Yeah, and it doesn't work.

Fucking Vitamix will turn gravel into a smoothie. I swear to God. They do fuck you, though. This is why I think. Okay, this is not the way to get a sponsorship. You understand that? I was going to say the same thing. All right.

Yeah, they fuck you in that they – I think Apple does the same thing where there's a special – if you want to take the base off of it and really clean the blades, you have to buy a fucking special tool from them. Well, you couldn't just make it a fucking screw, you cocksuckers. See, this is why we can't have nice sponsors. But I don't need to clean it that much. You just cut off the head of your own baby. So I don't think Vitamix is going to be knocking on the door.

Well, maybe they'll fucking change their evil ways. Oh, this is the way to do it. Yeah, but shame them publicly shame them you have the best product on the market and you're getting greedy that's how fucking bank robbers get caught they get greedy gamblers card counters they get greedy you know what the house wasn't gonna notice but you had to get that last fucking one more score and I'm out. Exactly. That's what Vitamix is fucking guilty of. One more feature on this blender and we're

done. I'm sure we've talked about this. That's how we get sponsors. I'm going to shame you unless you give us... I'll spend 10 minutes on every podcast shitting on your fucking sneaky fucking underhanded tactics. or i can ignore it for

a price i don't i don't know hayley my uh my uh it's gonna work my neck ruffle uh matches your hair it's like throwing a neck under beard of your head this is the this is the first time this is the first time in i don't know maybe 15 years that uh people don't confuse me for my twin brother oh yeah brother owns he runs the it's his business ghost ride but we have masks on and my hair is yellow and all they do is they look at and they they can tell because my hair is yellow and his hair is is not and this is the only time there's been times where i've had like full like like a stubble beard type thing and he's clean shaven and they come up to me and say hey michael we were talking earlier i want to tell you this i'm like i'll keep writing the order but you're certainly not talking to michael but this is the only this is the first time and it's because he tried to demand that he dyed his hair yellow then he went

no i was talking to you earlier no you weren't because i am not who you think i it's that guy right there you see him no it's you listen man i'm not gonna argue because you're gonna spend ten thousand dollars but if you want my name to be michael i'll change it mother thank you mother mother sent uh not not just to me and uh tracy but also included dave raider his first fan package uh a box of uh crossword puzzle books. Someone said something to Chad and it's... By the way, I tried to get Chad on this but he's driving back from Tucson so that's why he's not on this podcast.

Joe Marizio from Schenectady. He sent at least a letter. Doesn't seem like it's come out of the envelope. I didn't read it. Oh, where's that fucking poor bastard? Oh, my God. He says never read this.

He sent me. He's working on stand-up comedy, so he sent me. Is that handwritten? Yeah. All of this pages of material. I made Guy read through it yeah and i go you just you read my fucking raider is great at that too they'll they'll read fan mail i go just give me the gist and he goes that was that looked like pretty good actually everyone this is so sad that everyone read pages of his open mic material that there's like no material in it. It's just a really sad life.

So everyone read that and nobody has any advice for you. I forget the guy. Hang on. Let me get the name. Oh, Silver Wolf. His last name is Christopher Silver Wolf. My goodness. You have a long road

to tow there. Oh, fuck. How come Wilderness Trail Distillery, are they the ones that sent the... They're whiskey, aren't they? Whiskey, yeah. Yeah. There we go. That's something I won't shit on.

Give me a fucking whiskey sponsor. Fry Ranch. I assume Fry Ranch is... We get two whiskeys. Doug, we had whiskeys hit us up on email, and we never heard back from them. Yeah, I think what happens is a lot of people do some due diligence or research. They look into it. They turn it over to their marketing department and go, wait, you wanted to do what?

No. Well, they got mentioned anyway because they did send us whiskey. I don't know if Wilderness Trail Distillery is the same as Fry Ranch Whiskey. But is it the one in Arizona? I don't remember. When we're apart, nothing works. Thunderdome. Oh, and you fucking Junior Stopka.

I don't know if I've mentioned this. Junior Stopka sent us a great care package. Had a bunch of shitty ties that are awful. And a bunch of nonsense like a Roy Orbison cassette tape. I'll take it. No, I got a way to play tapes now. I got a way to play tapes. Keep it for me.

Okay. All you have to do is go to your thrift store and spend a nickel. I can probably get the bill for a nickel. John Narr. I've been searching for this for a decade because I

loaned that. I don't think you've even seen it. Explain who John Narr is. Yes,'ve even seen it. John Nara. Explain who John Nara is. Yes. He was a comedian, is a comedian from Iceland, and he ran a joke campaign for mayor of Reykjavik and accidentally won and then had to do it. But he had done an Icelandic show, television series,

day shift, night shift shift prison shift were the first three seasons and it was dark it's very uh Louis-esque in the way it's you know well they're not weird like that but it's it's filmed it's not a fucking sitcom it's a dark comedy and it was one of the most brilliant shows I've ever watched so So I loaned out the four CDs, the first, second, third season, and they made a movie at the end. And I couldn't remember who I loaned it to last. And I asked every fucking person in town over years. You can't get it. I asked John R., where can I get another copy?

I gave you mine, and I can't even get a DVD copy. You can find some of them on YouTube, but they're not with the proper subtitles. And it just destroyed me. And they're sequenced. You have to watch it all in a row. You can't. Fucking Junior Stopka had it for the last fucking 10 years and sent it back.

10 years? Maybe. I mean, I was 2010 when I went there. Yes. back. 10 years? Maybe. I was 2010 when I went there. I don't know. Six, eight, nine, ten years. I've been looking for it.

I'm like, oh, fuck. I can't wait to go re-binge that. You're going to have to have a library card. You can watch it here. You can watch it on my couch while I supervise you. Check it out like microfiche at the library. All right. How long have we gone?

I think we're going to wrap up. Do you remember that you did that to Duran? I was like 18 years ago, I was playing at Coots in the band and Duran, the owner of Coots, one night he got Duran and I went to dinner before the show,

like before my band played, and we drank, and then he drove us to work. You know, 8 o'clock, I'm drunk going on stage. And then there's these three hairdressers sitting on the north side as the band, my band starts playing. And Duran sends rounds to the hairdressers and tells the cocktail waitress, tell them that's from the band. And he sends the band shots and says, tell the band those are from the hairdressers.

shots and says tell the band those are from the hairdressers so fast forward to the end of the night uh take this one gal back to one of the band houses and she's so drunk she fell out of the bed like on the ground passed out with her ass up on like a pile of laundry i don't it wasn't there was part of it was mine i don't know where all these clothes came from and it was a really shitty band house and I took a picture of her ass up no face or anything like that with her ass up on all this laundry and I sent it I I got it and I sent the picture to Duran I got it printed right this is so long ago got it printed and I gave the hard hard copies to Duran and I I said, hey, check this out. This is fucking hilarious. And Duran sent those pictures to you, Doug.

Oh. And he said, if my wife, these are hilarious. But if my wife sees these pictures that Shaylee gave me, she'll be furious. So wait like 10 years and send them back yeah he sent it in a greeting card i remember the past no chick and while i was in a lap i think we're canceling ourselves by just talking about this i no it was it was like just a bare ass and laundry and the thing is is that that's not the one the the picture had my boots in it. And that was the only thing that exonerated him.

But his ex-wife would have fucking just cleaned up. So he said that to you. Ten fucking years later, I am back in Alaska. I had left two times already. I'm back in Alaska and I'm working at Coots. I'm back in Alaska and I'm working at Coots and you fucking sent that a card with those and said, I think the statute of limitations are over. I'm returning these to you. And fucking Duran fucking was so tickled that like not only that he got him back because it was a funny story, but like that you waited 10 solid years to return like it's only funny if you do it yeah and it doesn't matter how long does not matter how long that's

fucking great i just you just made me think about this girl i uh made the love at uh in coos Bay, Oregon. Oh, yeah. Back in my triple days as a kid. And she was, I didn't remember a lot of it, but I woke up in her bed and she was in the Coast Guard. We had already had to leave to work or serve, whatever you call it. Okay. But I just woke up confused in a strange place that wasn't my hotel and the first thing i saw next to the bed was a pair of combat boots and i was naked like oh what huh

oh that's right please be a chick please be a chick please be a chick yeah still have a picture of her that was back in the the whiskey girl days where I would get pictures like Gene Simmons of my conquests. What a douchebag. But, yeah, that picture of Whiskey Girl did come in handy when we reunited. Yes. That panned out. Everyone else on Facebook is reunited with people. Like, no one on Facebook.

That's why I stopped using Facebook, because the only allure of it was, I'd love to find out what happened to some of these one-night stands from back in the fucking Tribble gig days. Like, does anyone ever go, yeah, Doug Stano. Let me look him up. Eh, probably not. If it was funny, I, Doug Stano. Let me look him up. Probably not. If it was funny, I'd remember his name.

Yeah. If Greg Chaley wasn't selling masks to farmers in St. Louis, maybe these girls would be reaching out with some kind of fake pregnancy story. You're welcome. Hey, if you slept with me back in the day,

don't use Facebook. Just Stanhope Podcast. What is it? Stanhope Podcast at Gmail or just look over the fence and go, can I have some water? All right, my beautiful. Hold on a second.

Don't sign off yet. We have to say thank you to everyone on Patreon. And Dennis LaCourier from fucking Dr. Hook. He's awesome. If you haven't. Can you send him a link? I sent you the link. Oh, shit.

No, I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. All right, thank you. It's out, and I'm going to. He's like me, and so he's got a fucking Michael Bean brain. Oh, no, I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. It's out and I'm going to me. And so he's got a fucking Michael Bean brain. He doesn't. I'll take care of it. But everyone who's posting on Patreon about how awesome that that interview is, you don't even know.

That guy is the coolest. And the people that don't know about it, get on Patreon, go to Patreon dot com slash stanhope podcast and help support this because that's how we're able to do this. And then I can stop selling masks to farmers. That was the line of the podcast there. All right. That's an out. And while you're taking this out, Bingo. Sell it.

Get us out of here,ingo okay bye-bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.