The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#447: Xmas in July in Late May

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

A long overdue company Christmas party, post Covid crazy flight booked and FunHouse Open Mic shows. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded May 27th, 2021 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Raider, Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Chaille has another podcast. Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast I've run the intro first yeah no I thought you were saying that we were going live however whatever you just said hey welcome everyone to the uh Shake the Baby Funhouse Doug Stanhope Podcast's Company Christmas Party. It's Christmas in July in late May. You know what? Every day was better when we didn't know what day it was. So, yeah, we decided to have our company Christmas party because that was the first time that the Chalys and I ate out at a restaurant

together and we always do our company Christmas party at the Hana Tokyo Sushi in Sierra Vista and so we went there and we brought along Dave Rader because Chad Shank doesn't go out and we couldn't get him it didn't answer the phone for our podcast. But then again, I'm really bad about planning our podcast. I just go, hey, you want a podcast right now? And Chaley will say yes or no. Or I have to do Andy's podcast, Know Your Place. So yeah, it was a beautiful day. So, yeah, it was a beautiful day.

Raider doesn't eat sushi, so he sits there like he's in a baby seat and eats teriyaki or something. It is like a nine-year-old. Yeah. It's like, listen, all right, we'll make you a deal. I don't want to try it. Eat one bite, and then you get to watch TV. Yeah, and you goaded him to like, just try a little.

He'd get some sampler plate of something other than sushi, but it did also have ginger on it. Pickled ginger. Yeah, and you explained to him, just try a little bit of everything. And so he tried the ginger and said, what did you say? It tasted like eating one of those wet nap. Like you get at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Which was a very good description.

But then when we left him unattended with our eyes, his little baby hands got into the wasabi, which he was being experimental and took a nice bite of wasabi and went ah yeah that was

that was a mistake I mean Doug you and I we obviously enjoy sushi we've had sushi a million times and you love to

challenge yourself by eating the biggest glob of wasabi well not only that but like I'll eat like I'll eat whatever's there you know usually

and could you imagine at this at RH right now trying sushi for the first time that's what I was trying to say

like expand your horizons Raider this is this is a moment that I'm gonna remember and he's like tastes like unwept towelette

I'm like oh man yeah it was a premise I was working on. Just a list of things I've done that I would have never done if it weren't for a woman.

Or COVID. That'd be a good list. Was it COVID or a woman that made you do something? No, alcohol. We always discussed if we made... Hang on, I was telling you to write that down for me.

Oh, that was the... It was sushi. Sushi I would have never tried except I was trying to impress a chick. Really? Jackie Trinka. Oh. Yep. In Phoenix, Arizona. I'm like, alright. She's also the one that convinced me to get an earring.

Good job, Jackie. Wait, wait. An earring at like a piercer or an earring like, hey, give me that safety pin. He's down. Yeah, no, no. I went to the mall. I remember I drank a big gulp cup of rum and Coke on the way there. I was so scared. It's kind of like my first vaccination shot.

Wow. So, yeah. You're seeing the seven-year-old girls get it every day. Right. Yeah, seven-year-old girls get them, which is not, like, that should be an age of consent thing.

It was one of the, when I did the hidden camera thing, it never worked, but we brought a baby in, because it was just eyeglass camera. This is the late 90s. Was this the, was it Beware of Doug? Beware of Doug, yeah. And we finally found someone to give up a baby. Because you only had the eyeglass cam.

So you tried to find a prop. And so I could put the baby up into the shot, in and out, while I'm talking to the person behind the counter, trying to get nipples pierced, lip pierced, tongue pierced. But they were all tattoo people, so they didn't react. Wait, your own or the baby's? The baby. Like, I'm trying to get the...

Well, if you can do it to a fucking seven-year-old, why can't you do it to a fucking baby? That is a thing in the... A seven-year-old can talk. But even babies, infants, in the Mexican culture, they will pierce the earrings. They'll put little tasteful studs.

Yeah, the earrings. Yeah, sure. But I'm saying, when it comes down to what part of the body is it okay to pierce, yeah, in Kenya, they put a plate in their lip when they're five. I don't know. Like, at what point is it okay to do that? Hey, I'm fucking three years old and I fucking have nine metal rings

around my elongated neck and I can't hold my big head up. At what point do you say no? That's really one of the biggest... At the fourth? Yeah, it's one of the biggest issues where it comes to... Yeah, anytime we have conversations about,

well, what you can do with children as a parent versus as a society. You can't tell me how to raise my kid. Yeah, I know. I agree that that shouldn't be a thing. But I also think there's times where you're going to go, listen, no. think there's times where you're going to go listen, no. And I think if you can

pierce an ear, you can pierce a tongue. Like if you convinced a child it was cool, they'd do it. But you're running into it. Well, a seven-year-old can talk. They can say no. Well, then is that an excuse? Well, hey, you molested my kid.

Well, she's seven. She could have said no. I was going to say, being able to speak doesn't mean an adult human won't do something despicable to them. Right. Yeah. I remember when I grew up, tattoos were illegal, like completely, for anyone in Massachusetts. Wait, hold on. For adults?

Yeah. You don't think maybe this is something your mom told you? No, I didn't want one. I never wanted a tattoo. I think there were years where I was impressionable enough that if Jackie Trinka told me to get a tattoo of a pierced ear and some kind of sushi fish with a pierced ear, yeah, I would have done that too. A skipjack tuna with a pierced fin. Tattooing was actually illegal in New York City until 1997. Yeah.

What? It's a health issue, which is just bullshit. It's just puritanical. You shouldn't get that. It might be the Jews. Ask Rader. You can't get buried

in a Jewish cemetery, and you know what? Those Jewish cemeteries, they don't want to lose revenue. We control the banks, the media, and the plots. Wait,

with a piercing? That's not plots with a Z. It's not Yiddish. I'm talking about cemetery plots. Plots. Is it with a piercing or tattoo? I know a tattoo. I think you can have piercings.

They use health code issues for every fucking nonsense thing. Oh, titty dancers having to wear the, what do you, they're basically pasties. Pasties, yeah. They make them out of Band-Aid, Elmer's glue or whatever. Oh, because you lactate from there. Well, okay, then let's balance that against letting women breastfeed on a bus. If it's such a health concern, you get to tell that recently unpregnant lady that she can't flop out her tit in a subway.

Excuse me, sir. Behind the stanchions, we have a breastfeeding mom over here. You need to be eight feet. Wear a mask. Stop the bus. Yeah. You need to be eight feet. Wear a mask.

Stop the bus. Yeah. I love that concept of balancing one bullshit thing against, okay, you can't say fuck on terrestrial radio. Okay, but we hired our sideline, our third man there. What do you call it? The guy you pick on. The intern.

Yeah, but, Sidekick. The whipping boy, that's what I was looking for. Whatever. It's, they're all upset. But I'm saying,

you hire one that has Tourette's and you use the Americans with Disabilities Act against the FCC and pit fucking red tape versus red tape and let them work it out. Meanwhile,

your sidekick is barking fucking obscenities every third word that's not oh whoa hey he's free speech yeah and he is he came in here with braces so right are you gonna cancel them you're gonna cancel a a a kid with a mental illness who just got his big break in radio? You motherfuckers. That's probably the only thing I miss about radio, is that it was, you could do shit like that in small markets, because I was in a very small market,

and we got away with a lot of shit, because at one point we were number one, and then whatever. But you could fuck around, and there was always someone angry at you for trying to have fun between the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. You're not playing enough songs. Who cares?

It doesn't matter. They're all on. They'll hear them from 10 o'clock on repeatedly. You're playing most of them four times a day. But yeah, that was one thing about radio i don't i mean not enough that i stayed in as a career yeah yeah i was i was doing johnny dare did i talk to you about that because you you had to be doing a live remote you were in no no i i did it from in from the uh airbnb that morning oh you Zoomed it in? No, just phone. Oh, just phone, yeah.

Yeah. That's old school radio. Which I just, I totally channel my inner Stan Hope of like, good morning! Because they've already been up. Yes. And I woke up 20 minutes beforehand.

You were in the bathroom. Yeah, I had to go in the bathroom, much like doing Issues with Andy podcast. No one wants to hear me yell to someone they can't hear. And yeah, it was great. Johnny Deere's a great, he's an ambassador for all things Halloween, which is awesome. And he knows his shit, which is awesome. Yeah, we did talk about this.

Yeah, it was great. We went through it. awesome yeah we didn't talk about this yeah but uh yeah it was great we went through it but it's like he he is the consummate professional in that boom bang boom done and then that's it i've talked more to the producer jake than i talked to yeah johnny just because he's got a whole fucking day and i'm i'm stoked that he even remembered to to us. And then he came by the booth and checked out everything. And, you know, it was pretty slow this year, so I got to walk him. Yeah, I was going to say, should we do a recap since it's the random company Christmas party? No, there's nothing to recap. Slow year.

25% of our sales usually what we do. I talk to my accountant, is there anything else you need from me? He goes, not really. Good year. I just went on stage for the first time Saturday night. I had a bit of a banner week. Okay, remember what you're talking about. Banner week.

I have an idea for the next time you're going to go on stage. I'm writing it down. All right. And we'll go to that. Go ahead. Your banner week. Well, we've known, obviously, we can do shows in here. We've filmed Pop-Off Vodka Presents here as a tester,

but it's still available on Vimeo. It's got some... VHS. Yeah, we still have a few VHS left from the Doug Stanhope merch page. Andy's is being released on 800-pound gorilla. The audio that was recorded here, June 25th.

And then this is the kicker they're only doing the audio Andy's in charge of the video release oh my god you're fucking kidding me right he goes no no we'll be good I go you understand that if I try for the last month

nature jack which was an easy way to remember how to get to Andy's weird fucking URL, is still down. He goes, well, you know, no buts. You're the one in charge of the video release? He goes, yeah, they handed that over to me. I'm like, well, they got the best team. I get a long email from Inman about how people hate him and he can't get on issues. And it was at least eight, nine paragraphs. Long.

Yeah. Full paragraphs. Not haikus. And it's just the fucking redundancy about, no, I did the unbookables. He wakes up every morning at 6 a.m. to Sonny and Cher, I got you, babe. And he's in a small, strange town promoting the unbookables with the same complaints and the same things for the last 14 years.

It was 2013 that came out. I didn't even write back. It's just, yeah. He's a conspiracy theorist that won't I think it's because someone dosed me with acid on one of the nights that we were filming and now I know

why people hate me. Oh my god. It's just Bill Murray trying to get out of fucking Groundhog's Day with a different solution every time. But it's the exact same set of circumstances. See, you got to go with it. You got to go with the flow. You know what? I'm going to give Inman props.

He fucking filmed something and it went out. Yeah. Andy? Andy? That'll be going on three years. Yep. Mine took a year due to whatever circumstances. Well, you had a little more juice behind you on that.

I think we were looking for more juice than we had on that. I think is what Brian was up to. At least there was juice. So, yeah, we knew that we kept kept talking we've talked for the entire covet about we can do shows here you know for people who have been quarantined and now that people are vaxxed i've just put it up because i know i'm gonna have to write material so i uh thursday morning bingo came over early and you want to have a cocktail, 8am cocktail, and actually if we invite people, then we're going to have

to do the show. Because she was on it. Her and Tarek performed a couple of songs. Vodka Juice Box. They were great. Yeah, I had Floyd and Fury. Fury killed Val. Valentino went up. And Christine Levine

destroyed. Fucking really dark stuff that's in the moment and not resolved about a fucking missing relative that might be dead. I'm like, man, this is strong. And yeah, so we did comedy. I spent six hours at the dining room table with fucking notepads. six hours at the dining room table with fucking notepads. And it felt like doing comedy, and it sounded in the tone of doing comedy.

I don't know if it was funny or not. I'm not going to listen to it. I don't have that kind of free time. But it was fun. And then we did karaoke afterwards with Mrs. Michael Bean, who's an enthusiast, to say the least, and then eventually everybody. Well, the Ochoes, too. Lady Ocho.

Yeah, the Ochoes in the Loud House in the neighborhood now. We're getting old. Not that night. We really didn't pay attention to the curfew. Yeah, we didn't shut the door either. I realized we should have just shut the door to the funhouse. That way it's at least muted karaoke

because of all the things you're going to call the cops about. Yeah, but when you put that thing over a trumpet, you still hear it. Yeah, exactly. It was still probably annoying. If you're going to call the cops over a band comedy or karaoke,

it's going to be the karaoke. Maybe we should have started with karaoke. But no one sings karaoke sober, Newt. But that was a fucking blast. It's a good time. It's been since Andy that we've had a show in here. Almost three years. And Dave Rader,

not only is he a crooner in the very 40 cents, he can sing, but he also brought a cheese plate from Mile High Munchies. Mile High Munchies. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Barbara Brewer, who is the owner of said store. I went in there. Barbara, I know you're listening to this. When you told me the price and I handed you my credit card, I was not paying attention because I was talking to you and I was talking to the other gentleman at the time, you might remember, and I'm an absolute shit multitasker. So I didn't realize what you did at the time.

When I did get the email receipt, it's then that I realized that you very much gave me the friends. She double charged you. Double, triple. No. Yeah, she jaked from State Farm. Yeah, she jaked me big time. She hooked me up big time. She jaked me

off. So if you want to get jaked off, head on down to Mile High Munchies. Yes, that is true, but Barbara, thank you. I did. If I walked out and you're like, you didn't even say thank you or nod. Don't let the fact that I'm a moron like dissuade you. I realized it later when I when I got to the fun house. Thank you very much. You did hand her a credit card and not a card that said, do you know who I am? So. Hey, speaking of local plugs, also, Sierra Toyota.

You know what? I've dressed as a used car salesman for years, but this week I've actually sold two. Getting rid of some of my lot. I don't know if you know it out there, but for some reason the car market is spiking. Used car market. Used cars and new cars. Well, new cars, there's a problem with delivery right now because of some of the raw components. They're ramping back up. So used cars have gone up and you've taken...

Full advantage. Who knew you were cornering the market on used cars years ago when you bought... We thought you were buying them just because of the flashy colors. Yeah, I didn't do, I did a little bit, but if I had done it from the beginning to just,

because they were advertising, hey, we'll pay up to a thousand over Kelly Blue Book value. Please, we need used cars. They always say that. She's trying to sell you a used car to get your fucking things. Sounds like going out of business

last week to have a liquidation sale. No, we're serious now. And they are. Trust me. They're spending the fucking money. That's true. And I needed to get rid of some of these stupid cars that I bought

because they're funny colors. So, yeah, I should have gone from the beginning and just, so you'll be buying this car on credit? Can I get you a water or a coffee? I'm going to take this number to my manager. Exactly. I don't know what he's going to say. I like it.

And then just duck around a pole or squat behind one of the cars and go, okay, he says that we could do, if we can throw a few hundred dollars more at that, then I think that would be a workable price. I love that scarf. Where'd would be a workable price. I love that scarf. Where'd you get it? Flattered. Yeah, you were in there I remember when we went to buy those

cars, we tried to do it in less than an hour. I think the first one was two hours. Yeah, two plus. And like we just squeaked by, if not a because, oh, I remember it went a little bit over because the guy's like, sorry, by law, you have to drive the car if just to the end of the lot and back. Yeah.

So it went over the two hours. But yeah, this was very fast. They don't give a shit paying money out. Yeah. They're worried about making everything right when they're collecting money. So yeah, see, Eric Morales at Sierra Toyota and say, show me the money.

Yell that. Date yourself. Just jump up and down. I said, when I sold this last one this morning, I said, we'd love to get a picture of you

with the car for our PR department. Because when I bought the fucking tour van, they're like, they run pictures in the showroom of people smiling next to their new car. Everyone wants to be famous. I was like, I'm absolutely

not doing that. I'm absolutely not doing that. And then when they asked real nice, I'm like, I can never. I go, okay, but I'll only do it with no shirt on. And they go, all right. Just took my shirt off like some fucking hayseed. We got Photoshop guys here.

You can do whatever you want. You can be naked. It's going in our promo. But the whole point of we calling in a van is because we don't want it advertised. Exactly. We're rolling around in a Toyota Sienna, but we don't say it. We call it a van. So I did all that epic day drinking that last Thursday.

With bingo. Yeah, well, I started with bingo, but you don't stop. Nobody stops drinking so it just went I've no I there's missing chunks of that day but at one point I got a spam risk call and I'm like I'm in the mood I hope this is not a bot and it's an actual person and it was and it was some call center fiona god lover fiona i guess she was trying to sell i have it on speakerphone so you know to amuse the kids but she's selling us solar panels panels which i probably should have heard her out but you don't buy it from spam risk that's a that's a number one rule in the buying department sellers always be closing buyers don't buy from spam risk

uh but yeah if you if you're out there and you do solar fucking shoot me an email uh is that something we should definitely do once I have a job again? Well, you also told her that we run a solar company, which immediately killed her erection. That's a good one. That was a strong move on my part. I don't remember it, but hearing it back. I was right there.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, at some point, she had a sense of humor, and her English was good enough to get some of the jokes, and I told her with all humility, Hey, I'm famous! Google me right now! And she did.

And, you know, I probably look really famous to her in her cubicle, in her tiki hut, wherever she... She wouldn't tell me what country she was in. No, she lied to us. She told us she was in the same time zone. And she kind of was, but it's 12 hours off. Yeah. Yeah.

Turns out. Because when she Googled me, she goes, oh, I'm going to WhatsApp you. All right. I had no recollection of that. Woke up the next morning at whatever five in my own filth. And I checked my messages. And then I have a WhatsApp. And occasionally I'll get a WhatsApp spam.

Just hello with a picture. This was no picture, but it said, hello, is this Douglas? And I look at the country code, Pakistan. And I said, Fiona? And like 12 hours later, yes, it's me. So, and I still, still shoot a random, how are you, she says. I'm great.

I just had a party and sang karaoke and it was fun. That sounds like fun. All right, this is probably, like I've made a few jokes where I go, are you allowed to do this where you live? Like, don't you just get drugged behind a horse for even simply talking to a man? Well, I am in the Capitol, so it is different.

We do not have many freedoms, but we can be discreet or whatever. All right, I'm not marrying you. I think you marrying you. I think you were engaged. You gave her a WhatsApp number. She said to... My brothers will be looking for you. She sent a picture of her face, and I go, cover your face,

or otherwise they're going to hurl stones at you and set you on fire. That does not happen here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I was going to ask if she had a sense of humor. I'm not good at math. If she says she's 12 time zones away, that's halfway around the world? Yeah. Was that a clue?

Well, no. She lied. No, she lied and said it's the same time there as it is here. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't until, only because I've been talking to these comics from India. Oh, that's right. You did a Zoom call with, I think, three dudes, right? Yeah, I did a couple.

Hey, I'm sorry I can't remember your names, but I could pronounce them if I was reading them. But, so yeah, and of course, Pakistan and India do not get along. I don't know if they have comedy in Pakistan. Like a lot of towns or countries or... They have Pakistani comics here, but... They'll have underground probably, which is, you know, that's like circulating pamphlets

about starting a union at Apple. Like, you don't want to be caught reading one or handing one out. Yeah. Because the guys in India, I remember on the tour, Indian Rape, the tour. Yeah. I remember, was it Seattle? That we had had very vocal, very appreciative Indian dudes who were like,

dude, that's fucking hilarious. And they were talking about comedy in India and stuff like that. Yeah. It's always going to be something. In Thailand, three or four Indian comedians flew from India for the show.

Oh, wow. Might be a short jaunt. Might be a jumper flight. I don't know. It's been a while since I've had a gloob. I'm going to piss too, Chaley.

It's cheap to, we got to take a break anyway. It's cheap to fly when you don't come from America. When you're flying from a European destination to another European destination

or somewhere else. Oh, we'll talk about that next. We can. With my fucking cheap flight after my big flight. All right. We got a new sponsor coming up, so.

Yeah, Bisbee Laundry. Yeah. And Cafe. Please hold. Good goodness. BetterHelp.com. Mental health care. It's very important.

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And stop coming to my house. Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us. Do you know as a Doug Stanhope podcast listener, you can go to the Doug Stanhope, do we have a slash Stanhope? If they go to DougStanhope.com, merch slash Stanhope, they get 10% off?

No. If you are a... I know, but I'm saying we fucking have a slash Stanhope for all the other sponsors. I should not be saying no. I should go, yes, Doug, we have something similar. Yes, and?

Which is, if you are a member of Patreon, at certain levels, you receive a coupon for a percentage off of all merch sales. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. I'm going to sign up on Patreon. You should. It's good because you're not getting a discount from me. I get one until then. You know what It's good because you're not getting a discount from me. You're not getting one until then.

You know when I'd wear my own merch? Laundry day. Right. Did you want to do a slash Stanhope for a special deal? I don't know. It's funny. But you just thought it was funny right now. If it's funny tomorrow to you, well, you do that.

I don't know how merch works. I just know we need more of it. I've got a couple of things that we've got in the works. One thing I insist upon, which we don't have, is the Tracy sticker. Because we've got the stickers

that a listener made for us. It's you and I and Chad. They're cartoony kind and Chad. And those, they're cartoony kind of stickers. And there was a Tracy one. And I don't know why I didn't do that originally.

So we're going to do that. We're going to add that for the sticker pack. And license plate frames. We're going to come up with those. I love those. Killer Termites. Oh, yeah.

Mississippi, Arizona. Yeah. I miss baseball, man, to be honest with you. I was just thinking about that the other day. Yeah. Yeah, it was one of those good things that became, oh, wait, you guys made it fun. That we ruined?

No, no. We made it fun, and then we were kind of under the gun to show up all the time. Yeah. You guys are coming down, right? It's a big game against Casa Grande. Well, that means nothing to us. Shuffling down there in a bathrobe and trying to make up barbs. It's like you having to do a podcast that you agreed to,

and you didn't remember until right before you're supposed to do the podcast. That happened yesterday. I know. Thaddeus Russell, let me give a plug because i ended up being one of the my favorite podcasts i've done in a while because he completely caught me off guard i was out selling fucking used cars blowing off shirking my responsibilities and because i wasn't you know in my head about it like yeah it came off completely natural and not just the same shit I say all the time. Still a lot of that. But anyway.

I was just going to say, it's kind of like that in that if we had to go down to a baseball game and we knew about it two days before, ah, fuck. It's a thing we got to do. Whereas if it's like, hey, they're playing. Hey, fuck, grab the cooler. Let's go. And that would be one of those things where it would turn into fun.

Imagine if you went to a fucking Marlins game or something and all the players are looking up into the stands waiting for you to show up to make it fun for them. I still get deuce chills thinking about when we were doing the actual play-by-play. And then we didn't have the national anthem and then you did a rosanne bar and then right then the the guy that was running the field just was fucking daggers at us and at the fourth inning it's like out of here guys you're done you're done they shut us down and then we still was our pa i know and then we still

did everything we were doing over the pa but yelling it from the stands because he didn't have the foresight to go and uh when we kick you out we have a policy that you have to leave the premises yeah they just kicked us out of the announcer's booth not uh acknowledging the fact that we can yell as loud as our PA, everyone can still hear us, and you can't do shit about it. Or that we smell like a brewery on school grounds. The high school maintains that property. It's an extension.

It's basically high school property. Yeah, we should have been arrested. Instead, we just sat two rows in front of where we were before. Yeah, I'd go six, eight rows up to smoke out one of those back window things. The back row? Yeah, but I'm still smoking up there.

Firehazard 1918 ballpark. I mean, that guy. I'm sure it was out. I think I stepped on it. It's all wood. That guy wanted to punch us, but it was one of those things where he had a title that he was

watching this thing and he's like that's it but it's like the thing like grabbing the microphone you're done you're done yeah well he was yelling at us for not having the national anthem queued up we didn't work they asked us to bring a PA down and announce cause their guy didn't show up

I was literally 30 seconds away from downloading the best rock jams compilation but the wifi I bought the whole album because I figured we could use

Centerfield by John Fogerty so I got the whole thing I should have just got the national anthem who has the fucking national anthem on their fucking iPod naturally that guy plays it on his shirt the national anthem and play it through. Who has the fucking national anthem on their fucking iPod naturally? That guy does. That guy.

Plays it on his phone. He had it on his shirt. The tour. The national anthem tour. Takes his hat off in his own car. That's how he goes to work every day.

All right. I have some notes but oh yeah where I'm going so I've been doing since let's take a little context here you really for the listener Doug never left during COVID

a few John what we just talked about there was the first restaurant we all enjoyed together For the listener, Doug never left during COVID. A few, John, what we just talked about, it was the first restaurant we all enjoyed together. You did the 2,800 plus mile trip. Yeah, I did a 10-day driving tour, listening to Audible books. I fucking, now I stopped doing that at home and now I get a good one. It is pretty good.

That's great. Yeah, you just heard half an hour. Annie Jacobson and someone had I got involved in a tweet with her. Someone was tweeting her and me at the same time. I forget the

context and I had just seen she had an Area 51 book that I almost downloaded when I was doing that tour because i was on the extraterrestrial highway it goes by area 51 in nevada white sands and i'm like ah fuck and i'm like i asked her on twitter which one i want to start with area 51 but she has the other one about how we felched all the fucking nazi scientists, which overlaps with Area 51, as we've been listening. And so the Area 51 book by Annie Jacobson on Chapter 3, it's covered so much.

Usually, and I gave Thaddeus some shit. Thaddeus Russell, whose podcast I just did, he wrote The Renegades' History of America, which I read 10 years ago. I just did. He wrote The Renegades History of America, which I read 10 years ago. And I guess I said on the podcast that there was way too much facts in it for me. I don't remember

what I said. He said it was 10 years ago. Have we been doing a podcast for 10 years? I think we're entering our eighth year right now. Anyway, she's the opposite. She gives you so much information so quickly that you can't really space out. I only have it at plus 110 speed because I'm missing stuff.

She tells you once. Got it? Bikini Atoll. Operation Cross... Not Crosswords. Crosswords. Crosswind? Anyway. she tells you once got it bikini atoll operation cross not cross words cross words uh crosswind anyway whatever it was i'm like all right it's fucking fascinating and uh yeah it makes me want to just keep driving uh crosswords girlfriend or covid so yeah I haven't been on a plane and I do

which I've always done is fantasy travel but you did that trip for 2,800 plus miles yeah like just like rolling around

going and checking out you did the clown motel and that was a fucking hilarious podcast and you did that thing that was the first time you've really gone out and ventured in a year

it was a crazy flight on four wheels but for the first time since you started comedy it was it's the longest time you've been spent

in your same bed and it's the longest time you haven't been out on the road yeah that's huge. Yeah. And the not flying thing

where now... So I wasn't expecting to fly anywhere, but just... It's the same way anyone else searches eBay or, you know, just fucking throw them

over the fence. Tracy, there's a paring knife. We need a kitty trebuchet so we can launch him at neighbors. Bye-bye. See you. You're out. You're out. Don't come back.

She cut a thick of fur off of Meatwig. Meatwig is a very hairy cat that in the dry months now, which we're in the driest month, he fucking, the cat lays in filth and burrs, and he develops like an armadillo's siding of dreadlock. He is a feline Stanhope. You could... With hair.

You could hit him in the side with one of those, what do you call those? The riot guns that shoot the beanbag. And it wouldn't wake that cat up. Dog the bounty hunter. Yeah, the beanbag guns.

Riot guns. Salt gun. Non-lethal. It shoots a fucking beanbag. I remember the Boston Pigs fucking killed a girl. Is that a team? Boston? No, no.

There's cops. They're pigs when they kill a girl for celebrating a Red Sox victory with a beanbag gun to the eye. I remember writing an open letter to them. Hey, Boston Police. I'm a bigger Red Sox fan as anyone, but you know what's really hurting the sport when you kill a girl in the head with a beanbag gun? It was very funny.

I don't remember. It was 25 years ago. Anyway, so I'm fantasy delta surfing, like where I could go to, and all these places that I've always thought about going to, but it doesn't work out. Like Gibraltar is where I looked that up and Delta doesn't go there. And I've always wanted to go there because it's a weird sounding place.

You can see Africa from there. Rock of Gibraltar? Yeah. Yeah. So where is it? It's a territory on the bottom, the peninsula of Spain. It's the entire, it's not a country, but territory is 2.6 square miles. The entire thing. But it's a British territory.

So it's Britain's Guam. Yeah. Which means they speak English. When I think about going somewhere, that's why I always wanted to go to Guam. Because it is a British, I mean a U.S. territory. So I know they speak English. And it's a tiny island. And it's fucking, there's no glut of travel to Guam. It just takes you 46 hours to get there.

And this was the same. We couldn't get there on Delta, which is a big thing. How far could you get on Delta? Well, I could go to London. I figured out, if I go to London, I get a fucking steal for first class to London. And there's only two flights a day

from Heathrow to Gibraltar. And you miss them. That's why it's a day from Heathrow to Gibraltar. And you miss them. That's why it's a 38-hour flight. Because all the flights that Delta brings in. They don't connect. It's after the two flights. But my favorite hotel in the world is the Yotel at Heathrow.

It's like Woody Allen's sleeper. I'm sure if you listen to the podcast, I talk about it. We just realized what a great place to trip that would be it's like a train car but it's all perfectly white Ikea but as small as a train car and you sleep in this kind of like bunk with a TV at your feet

coffin with a TV and it's got a little toilet shower like a beautiful Icelandic prison. And that's where me and Olivia Grace, when we stayed there, when we went over to pitch a show in London a couple years ago, I'm like, no, we're staying here the last night.

We're going to get there in the afternoon. We're staying. We get an early morning flight. We went bar hopping on the trams to every terminal at Heathrow. We hit every bar on the trams to every terminal at Heathrow. We hit every bar on the outside of security in every terminal.

We were tweeting it. We're doing a Heathrow pub crawl. Is Heathrow 24 hours? We weren't. I doubt it. I'm just saying as far as bars go, no.

But we started in the afternoon. We knew we had to get to sleep early. Yeah. The Heathrow Airport Twitter account was tweeting back at us. Hope you're having fun. Don't get too drunk now. We're following you. It was like a celebrity tweet.

Like, holy shit, the airport's tweeting back at us. And we ran into Glenn Wohl on that trip with his fucking wife and kids. The tweet's coming from inside the airport. airport's tweeting back at us that we ran into glenn wool on that trip with his tweets coming from inside the airport yeah or at some bar and fucking glenn wool is like leaving moving from london to back to vancouver or whatever and he showed up all bedraggled after fucking running a u-haul all over london to get his shit out of there and he came in with his kid. I didn't even mind his kid being there. Some screaming baby. It wasn't screaming. I'd remember. Point being,

when I realized I can fly into London, stay overnight coming in and out of catching the British Airways flight to Gibraltar, and that flight round trip, 300 bucks. Yeah. It's more expensive to stay at the hotel for two nights than that flight round trip, 300 bucks. Yeah.

It's more expensive to stay at the hotel for two nights than a fly round trip. Flights over there, I mean, ask Joby. Flights from London to Portugal, I think, you could get them for like $49 round trip. Yeah. I knew a guy when I was working at Real Networks in Seattle. He was from Timor. You know where that's at? Only because of Noam Chomsky?

Yeah. It was one of these wars that you don't know about, atrocities. He was Timor. He would catch a flight to some other country, a bigger country, like a large metropolis. And then he would make the flights to Timor from there. Because if you made the entire flight from America, you'd get raped the whole way. But as soon as you landed somewhere else, third world or not quite so second world, you could get a cheaper flight.

And I forgot about that until you told me what was going on. I'm sorry. I'm just laughing at myself for wincing when you said raped. You can't say it like that. Should I bleep it? No. Okay. No.

Yeah. It's an analogy. You know what? As soon as every fucking comic stops saying oh that's crazy that's insane that's fucking nuts yeah yeah when you stop fucking using all those mentally ill fucking abusive terms but yeah then i'll then i'll still keep saying whatever i was saying i stopped myself with saying rape earlier when you were talking about the three Indian guys. Indian gang rape? Yeah. No, the guys.

I go, oh, those comics? Rape Team India? Because your joke is about... I stopped myself from saying it. I had the same thing when we just broke to piss moment. Because I felt that just WhatsAppping with Fiona where i'm making jokes about pakistan

won't you get fucking burned alive but i realized like it's am i being racist or but no that's the they treat women very poorly there i think like yeah i'm right she like, no, I'm in the capital. Like, that happens. Oh, you have to be out of the city limits. Oh, country bumpkins. Yeah, they don't drag you behind a horse in town. We have cabs now. We've got those three-wheeled pedi vehicles.

Yeah, see, I was going to say rickshaw, and I thought that was probably not right. Yeah, it's wrong country. You'll always get shit. people can't stop themselves uh so yeah gibraltar i i've got like a week there so you've you've thought about going to gibraltar in the past or this just came up yeah i didn't realize i had a bucket list i thought i'd done everything go, well, I never did do Gibraltar, and I get a fucking steal on it. And I looked up all the

best... If anyone knows Gibraltar... No, no, shut up. You. I know your ears just perked up because your cousin went once. If anyone lives in Gibraltar, fucking hoon me an email or a tweet.

I looked up all the best bars in Gibraltar and there's a bunch of lists and a lot of them have completely different bars and I'm like, how many bars can I hit in 2.6 square miles in six days?

Well, it's a British protectorate. There's a lot of pubs. Protectorate. God damn it. He has such a good vocabulary. That reminds me of when I went to the Cayman Islands. They also have some British connection there. And what's that?

Overlords. Oh, shit. Oh, Raider, you're back on. Guam, Tahiti uh gibraltar three places i haven't been go ahead uh because of the british connection uh they do a pirates week there which is stay away from it but uh great fucking pubs really good restaurants and a lot a lot of people there everyone speaks english english like there's a lot of people there. Everyone speaks English English. There's a lot of British people coming over there to work on the dive boats and stuff,

which was great. And I've never been back, but I enjoyed it as a place I never would have thought of going until I started diving. And Guam, that is a huge destination for Japanese tourists. Because they can go there and shoot guns. And strip clubs. Titty bars. Yeah, titty bars are not my thing. No, the Japanese...

Nor would a British titty bar. Even if it's just a territory. But Guam's ours, I'm saying. Yeah, I know. I'm talking about Gibraltar yeah I don't think there's a titty bar

well you might get an email I don't know nobody seems to go there even the British seem to hate it I don't know I've read weird things

it's a fucking weird place to go and I'm very excited and it's also have you done the search on Gibraltar monkeys yet okay so you're not scared yeah no i know everything i i i uh tax haven gibraltar crime is 32 000 people there it's smaller than sierra vista where we just had sushi it's fucking but

they speak english and it's in a weird place and you can literally see Africa right across the Strait of Gibraltar, which I won't go see. Oh, just look over there. That's Africa. No, I haven't. I'm facing the other way on my bar stool.

I refuse. Maybe later. Maybe later, if I'm really curious, I will turn around. But right now, I'm going to sit here and stare at my book. And I'm excited

to be able to read again if I can still do it. But then, what happened was, all right, I get this all mapped out. Then I'm back to the other night with Tracy

on the patio doing more crazy flight searches well the the great thing is I found a great deal for Gibraltar but that's not till July and it's May so I'm excited I was already starting to pack for seven weeks seriously you were getting your bag ready? Oh yeah. You remember Stanhope State University? Yeah. They sent me all this shit and they have people send Stanhope State

University koozies and take pictures of them from all around the world and I'm like, where's my koozie? Tracy has it. Tracy says she doesn't have it. Tracy. I had it. Do says she doesn't have it. Tracy. I had it. Do you remember that day? Yes.

Yeah. I was right. And you were right. Because we're men. It's true. Well, I mean, that we're right. Do you want to take a break? No, no, no, no.

Bisbee Laundry and Cafe. If you're new to town, you moved in, you don't want to just keep fucking bothering your neighbor to do laundry. Bisbee Laundry. Because sometimes your neighbor's hungover and doesn't want to fucking see anyone walking through his yard with a fucking Ikea bag

full of filthy fucking laundry. Yeah, sometimes I like to lock my door. Bisbee Laundry and Cafe. It routes well with Safeway. Make a day of it. It's got a cafe. You can check your tweets.

Gotta call the salad. TumbleD dry cycle goes. Yeah. I'm sure they had some finger foods. And it hits Safeway on the way back. So you don't have to take a left. It tastes like bleach, but you're fine. You can do a post office, laundry, Safeway, double back, switch the laundry.

You can stop at Tin Town on a Wednesday and get free lunch. Stand in line for the, yeah. Bisbee Laundry. Hang on. Do you want to take a break? No, I don't want to take a break. I was going to tell him how to text. Why don't we do that?

Why don't we have a Stanhope, DougStanhope.com slash koozie page where people send in pictures with their koozies. Can we steal that from them? Yeah, we can steal that. Yeah, let's steal that. Let's tell them KillerTermites.com if we want to do this. What do you... Is, we can steal that. Yeah, let's steal that. We still have killatermites.com if we wanted to use it. What do you...

Is her mic on? Sorry. That's too much work. Tracy, we want to drive traffic to Mr. Stanhope's site. That's what we're trying to do. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah, with those disease t-shirts.

I think I'm making my own drinks for the rest. I was talking to Dave about those today. Yeah, they've been talked about a lot for years. So, anyway. Tracy's my favorite human being on the entire planet. I'm going to get your fucking shirts done. Yeah, you should never have gotten involved in that project, Tracy. I don't care.

I don't mind. Just one. Just one for me. Just one for me. And then I'll post pictures. Oh, that's easy. Give him that ratty one you wear, Chase. No, the ones that I have.

I know. 2004 artwork. Let's stay focused. Give me a double focus. Can I get a Negroni? Do you have a Negroni? No, no. I'll have another beer. me a double focus. Can I get a Negroni? Do you have an Negroni right now? No, no, I'm just kidding.

I'll have another beer. I'll do a whiskey sour if we still have egg whites. Whiskey sour? Whiskey sour? I'm peeing by the

window so I can hear you. Yeah, that's alright. So I'm back on the patio with Tracy, watching the hockey, and

I'm doing my crazy searches again because Julyuly is not soon enough now i'm fucking amped up and tickled in the prostate to go out and fucking travel so i find i don't know how it came up but it's a it's a bar that has to be one of the best day drinking bars in America. If you read the book that I wrote about the day drinking, I don't know which one it is. Read them all and tell me. It has all the things that a day drinking bar requires. meaning it's in a motel or hotel that has a restaurant and a bar attached this has if you've listened to the last special the exact kind of motor in i'm not telling you where it is no

it's it's on the uh the the ones i mentioned were Coast. This is west of the Mississippi. It's in our time zone six months out of the year because Arizona doesn't change our clocks. But it has a motor lodge attached to a bar. And we will live Zoom podcast from there. I'm only going, I bought it, I got it on Miles, which I never use my Miles, because you don't get Miles by spending Miles. You use Miles to get Junior Stopka on the road.

Junior Stopka is going to be on the first tour that starts August 10th through Denver. So he'll be on that 10-day leg. Dates are up on DougStanhope.com because I just got more dates today. We're still adding dates starting August 10th

up to when you're going to make updates for Denver, San Francisco, and all that stuff. Boston, yeah. We added a show in Boston. Yeah, so we're still figuring out how we're going to work this, but Junior's never done that Mountain State tour, the Mountain Time Zone tour. And I said I'd never book him in the summer because of his aversion to deodorant.

And yeah, he can smell bad in the hot sun. But you know what? I don't really care. I mean, I just showered last night for company Christmas party today. And I remember Saturday night, I suited up for one of the few times during COVID. I actually put on a suit for that show, and I had to peel off two-day-old socks, and they stuck.

I'm short, but I'm still far away from my feet. But just peeling my socks off, I'm like, oh, my God, this is terrible. That was Saturday. I still didn't shower till Wednesday night. So I'm going. I used miles. And the motor lodge was only like 87 bucks.

A hundred and ninety one dollars plus bar tab in a very. It's a town we don't even play in a state we rarely go to only for fun i'll just say that uh i've the last time i was there i was doing a triple gig in like 1992 and a girl uh asked if she could blow me on my way out after the show and i said yes and she blew me in my car for a couple of seconds before she started to vomit and I had to move her head outward through the driver's door and then she puked

while the doorman came over to fortunately she was laying on top of my cock that would have been out she's laying across from the passenger wait you stopped the blowjob? she did to vomit but you didn't make her finish? No. You know what was weird, Chaley?

And even at a young age, it turned me off. Yeah. It is one of those things. You don't know what your limit is until you're faced with it. But I always maintain there's no stopping. Lewis Johnson from Denver is a comedian that had a bit about how once men start fucking,

you're going to keep fucking. I'm doing a disservice, but it's 30 years ago. He goes, she can fall off the bed, bust your eye open. Baby, that looks really bad. You're going to need stitches as soon as i come

he was also the guy that had the bit that i'll never forget about man i've been married so long i don't know what i'd say to a girl into a bar i don't i don't know what i'd say to a girl in a bar. I think I'd just walk up and say, I'm going to the store. You want me to get you anything? No? Then don't be bitching when I get back. He's the guy that Hedberg and I were opening for.

Hedberg was the opening act. I was the middle. And Louis Johnson was the headliner. They had some goofy promo for him that we did acid. Me and Hedberg did acid back at the Hampton Inn by the Mall of America. We spent seemingly acid hours goofing on Louis Johnson's promo, whatever it was. I don't know. But the memory of the feeling is still there.

I don't know what we were saying, but I know. Was it a TV promo? Or like an advertisement? No, no. Like whatever Knuckleheads was. Knuckleheads was the name of the club. And Louis Johnson and whatever his bio was. Whatever it was. We were just goofing on this stupid

sounding like everyone's bio is oh he takes crazy takes on and then we watched some like uh kkk documentary on hbo that was on we're up all night and goofing on that like Like, whatever it was, the KKK kept getting raided by the feds or whatever, and we're, like, goofing on it. I don't know how they keep finding us. Maybe it's the cameraman. Whatever. We're just laughing our balls off

at everything until the sun came up, and we're waiting for the Hampton Inn lobby breakfast, but we're still fucking bug-eyed, charcoal-pupiled, fucking tripping, going, oh, we can't go into the lobby for breakfast, they'll know. And we went in like serpentine. Stealth.

Yeah, like cat burglars. Breakfast ninjas. Yeah, trying to get some fucking raisin bran and a fucking lobby waffle. a fucking raisin bran and a fucking lobby waffle. Yeah, that's how Hedberg and I became close friends. And it only takes one night like that where you go, all right. You had a show that night too? Yeah, later.

Well, I was young. You could rebound. I love that. Yeah, we were just talking about that today. Morning drinking. Morning drinking is exceptional if you're a kid that can fucking take a nap. I hate people who can nap.

I'm going to sleep for three hours and fucking rebound because I've been drinking all morning. Now, Thursday, I was a fucking waste product up until I had to write jokes for Saturday. Oh, you napped. You napped right a fucking waste product up until I had to write jokes for Saturday. Yeah.

Oh, you napped. You napped right... On the floor right behind where you're sitting. Right below your ass right now. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just went out and pissed in your yard and I thought... Our yard.

What a glorious feeling to be this drunk and the sun warming my back. It feels good. I like it. Oh, you piss east? Well, if I have to. I'm pissing towards someone.

I don't know where Mecca is. As long as I'm with Fiona, I'm going to have to learn where Mecca is. I've got to piss away from it. I don't want to make anyone angry. Well, we're halfway away from her, so you could go either way. It's equidistant. I could go east. I could go west.

It was all up to me to decide. A little Bob Seger for your next little teaser for our next karaoke night. All right. The kids are doing shots. I think we're going to wrap up. I got an email. Oh, yeah?

Hold on, I got to do this shot real quick. Cheers. If you can figure out what that best fucking drinking bar in the western states is. People have been to Wyoming. They know what you're talking about. Oh, that was a misdirection. All right.

So last podcast mislabeled as 456 because it's really what? Right. 446. 446. That's fucked up. I got to change that still. We were talking. It was on the heels of issues with Andy, where Andy, he cut us off early.

So then I'm like, oh, fuck, Chad, you want to do a podcast with Stan Hope? And I immediately texted you. I texted Tracy, hey, does Doug want to do a podcast? And we fucking ran up here. I had nothing set up because we were gone on vacation. And I come back, and that was the podcast where I don't even remember what he's referencing in this email. We were talking about hernias. All right.

And getting hernia checks when you're so young before you even lifted something 25 pounds. You were just getting your tongue pierced barely. And they want to fondle your balls. You wanted the tongue piercing to match the earrings that you had when you were seven so yeah so it was really weird and i got this email from uh ah i'll say that uh you ever heard no names you asked same person you asked for anyone who had a hernia before nine

to send a note we put a age limit on who could that's what I'm saying it's like I don't remember saying that I hope this doesn't go bad they tell me

I had a hernia at one year old who's pushing who oh this is a guy with a giant ball sack. I don't know. I haven't read the whole thing yet. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I didn't read this. I wanted to react naturally. Go ahead. They tell me, like you can't say his parents told him, one year old, I also have an eight-inch scar like Chad, but now that I think of it, how did that get me to turn my head and cough for the initial check at one year old yeah right yeah i get i have attached a photo as proof oh it's just give it to you give it raider hasn't really said anything and he can read but

he does things for a living so yes make all is the second paragraph. Child porn? Alright. It is weird. The photo is nothing. It just looks like a scar, like a shot or something. Luckily it's not on here, because I'd puke. Also, during one portion of this podcast, I laughed so hard that I was literally

choking and giggling myself silly. Good read. I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard. You might appreciate this attached clip from my living room. Then again, you probably hear people laugh hysterically all the time. Chad was getting most of these laughs, but when Doug told the tale about when Bubba Chain, quote unquote, drew mud, I totally lost it.

Golden spicy brown musky. Yeah, that's it. I had no idea until you just said that. Spit shit like a penguin shit. Far and away. Thanks, Raider. Chocking. You don't need a second.

All right. Someone else sent me an email about how they had a hernia when they were a kid. And they were just discovering like, oh, I have huge balls and it was his fucking intestines dripping into his balls. But they were young enough that he thought having big balls

was a thing that was actually literally a good thing. And then he finally, when they were the size of fucking grapefruits, showed his friends and his dad. And he's like, no. Oh, that's what he said.

God damn it. I'm fucking remembering. I'm not even reading this. It's on the podcast. That's good. When he showed his dad, he goes, if that's not a hernia, I'll eat those. And he took them literally and fled and spent the night at his friend's house my dad's gonna eat my balls yeah uh and then he said but now i'm like 44 or something so you can imagine

how my balls look at this age yeah don't worry listen nobody loves you because your balls are taut. It's all good. Don't ever expect us to remember anything that we said on this podcast because this podcast is only an extension of things that we were saying when we weren't recording and you don't remember everything you said yesterday, but we appreciate you

being part of our group and listening in for as much as we can continue to stomach each other. It's a company Christmas party. Christmas in July, in late May. That means New Year's is just around the corner. Take us out of here, bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.