The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#450: Olivia Had A Job

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Doug discusses Olivia's current career path. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded June 18th, 2021 on the road with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Olivia Grace (@oliviadoesbits), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Freshly - Go to Freshly.com/stanhope for $40 OFF your first two orders. BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Olivia Grace - @oliviadoesbits & https://www.oliviaisfunny.com/  It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Want more annoying Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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girl is, she's smoking the reefer. Yeah. Are they going to get you fired? Maybe. I don't think they've drug tested the movie theater. Olivia Grace is back. Well, the Chaley's are back.

I'm going to ask the Chaley's all about their Alaska trip. Or if there's anything that you want to add in that you haven't already used on issues with Andy, because you were with Brett Erickson. So I assume all the good stuff. If there's any shake left in your bag. No, we recorded before everything

went down. I'll segregate it. Do you guys have good stories from Alaska? I can't talk about it. There's never not good stories from Alaska. That's always fun. It just looked like a lot of bugs. I can't talk about it. There's never not good stories from Alaska. That's always fun. Oh, the Wasilla. It just looked like a lot of bugs.

It was just a week ago, and Tracy goes, Wasilla, that was the best story. I still don't know. I can't remember. You will. Brett's first nine minutes. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we shouldn't talk about that.

Because Brett will talk about that. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. There's more issues with Andy people coming from Alaska. I'll give them first dibs on the good stories. Because we have Olivia Grace, who is coming back out on the road. Yeah. San Francisco, Boston, Connecticut. Yeah, Foxwoods.

Foxwoods. Yep. What's that? Just a really fancy casino? I don't know how fancy it is. I think it's a resort. No, it's a casino. No, it's a casino.

Well, I mean, yeah, but it is. But I think it is the biggest casino in the US. Oh, that's cool. Have you done it before? I've done, yeah. I've done it at least once. How was it? It was great.

What are you gonna I'm selling tickets to this motherfucker Foxwoods Resort Casino so it's a maybe that audience was just having a bad night and I'm gonna give them another chance they were probably great

yeah well now everyone's going out I don't think it was anywhere near sold out when I did it. We probably did it on an off night. But yeah, they're very good to you. Yeah, I remember A-plus treatment. Maybe the show was fine. I don't know.

Maybe you just don't like genetics. Sometimes you feel like your show didn't live up to them sending a limo an hour away to an airport to pick you up and put you in a suite and you're like all right wow okay i'm not gonna saw a lady in half up here like you got the magician treatment and you're only a comedian if it was like a really like shitty old limo would you feel more like that's the this is my kind of like if it was he'd buy it okay yeah i don't remember yeah you could fit a lot of vintage sofas from their own in an old limo like that you get to a place where you don't like movies or books you don't remember a thing about it other

than you either liked it or didn't like there was something about my show i didn't like there and i don't know if it was me or them that could have been that they wouldn't give you a half a portion of spaghetti no it could no it no it was definitely not that it could have been like they stocked the limo with booze and i'm like yeah it's two o'clock in the afternoon but it's an hour drive and the guy's gonna let me smoke for a 20 it could have been and by you know 8 30 showtime yeah i feel like i'm phoning this in i don't remember but i i remember i'd definitely go back i love it you don't remember but you remember it could have been bad and that's what you're remembering most. I didn't like, I remember

not liking my show. Okay. Well, is there anywhere in Connecticut that's cool, though? I've never been anywhere cool in Connecticut. The border? Okay. The border? No, it borders on shit all around. It's surrounded by shit. It's like one of those landlocked

Eastern European countries that Borat pretends to be from. That was one of your last states, right Doug? Landlocked by shit is my next album cover. The Kazakhstan of America. I like landlocked by shit.

Yeah, there's no good way out except the ocean. Swim for your life head towards Tenerife okay what does that mean? Tenerife? I don't know. Isn't that an island off Africa? Uh we wouldn't

know. Well fucking look at what you're sitting in front of a computer I'm also looking at what's around Connecticut it's Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts Pennsylvania? Alright you're looking at a's around Connecticut. It's Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts. Pennsylvania? Alright, you're looking at a fucking really wide... Yeah, no, it does not

border anywhere on Pennsylvania. Okay, New York and... Okay, I'm just looking at the states. I didn't see that now. Oh, Long Island. That's right. That's part of New York. New York, Rhode Island, Massachusetts. Ugh, yeah. It's alright. Shit. I'm excited. It's gonna be you and me in Connecticut.

Let's push that second show in Boston. Oh, yeah. And in Boston on September 3rd? Yeah. Yeah. At the Wilbur Theater. Yeah. With my friend Doug.

Listen, I'll explain to you how you get a little heavy handed in the fucking tilting dates. Some of them are sold out. Some of them you're getting a guarantee. And then you sell the second show in Boston. How excited are you about that? The second show in Boston? Yes. You know what?

I'll tell you what about Boston since we're doing two shows. Usually I just avoid Boston it it feels like london it's that kind of congested no streets make sense clusterfuck so i usually just fly in i stay at the hilton at logan and uh and then i uber in do my gig and go back to the hilton and then catch a flight out but since we're there for two days, I get a place downtown. We have adjoining places downtown, evidently, but enough. Yeah.

So yeah, now I'll actually spend a day in Boston. I've never done anything in Boston. What do you want to do on your day in Boston? Fried clams. Fried clams? I want to eat fried clams. The same things he does everywhere else that has a port. No, you don't get fried clams anywhere.

We were in Massachusetts or something. New England is the only place to get fried clams. You said nowhere. You said everything. You said like I get. Let's not fight, boys. A little hyperbole. I thought you were talking about sushi.

Like I get clams at sushi all the time. Every port we go to. Anytime we've been on the road where McDonald's had a lobster roll, you just kept talking about the clam sandwich. Yeah, McDonald's in New England seasonally has lobster rolls. Okay. That was my dad's favorite lobster. Wow. Yes. McDonald's? Yep. That was my dad's favorite lobster. Wow.

Yes. McDonald's? Yep. That's great. Wait, McDonald's lobster roll was your dad's favorite lobster?

Yep. That is so... Favorite lobster roll. I mean, there's no claws to break apart. There's no ceremony. You don't get a bib.

You just eat your fucking lobster roll real conveniently. And my dad was a man of convenience and I follow in his footsteps. His big, fat, trotting footsteps. Are you saying the benefit of getting a lobster roll is that you get all the lobster without all the chore of eating a lobster?

I don't. I just said that it was my... It's just weird for... McDonald's lobster is like Burger King caviar. It just doesn't make sense. Limited locations. But fucking lobster is not that good. It's really not.

Crab's way better than lobster. You don't get shitty crab. Anyway, let's talk about Olivia. Olivia has a story. She was talking about how much she can't wait to go to Boston. Yeah, I'm excited to go back on the road because I finally have enough gigs booked where I can justify not working at my movie theater job anymore. Have you talked about this at all on our podcast?

I don't think so. I don't think you have. Maybe I don't think I have, but yeah, I got a job at the movie theater. I like to think it was as a goof, but you went out and you got two jobs. Yeah, I wanted to know what the world was like. You live up in Tucson now, for the listener. Yeah. If you haven't paid attention, she fled Bisbee a year ago.

Yeah. And now she's... Do you have a name tag? Yeah, I do have a name tag. I should have made you bring your uniform. Oh, man. Just for the default photo. No, I have a name tag, and I was allowed to put my favorite movie and my pronouns on it.

Oh, yeah. You've talked about this on the podcast. Oh, I have? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Pronouns sounds familiar. Well, you haven't talked about the last job, which I thought it was going to be a fucking ringer for you out in Marana. I thought it would be, too.

I thought it was. I mean, it was a sports bar that couldn't have been like more american if it tried like it was like had batting cages out back and then it was like dudes named bill like drinking american beer and watching like baseball on tv i know it's everything you love john taffer walked in and said i wouldn't change a thing. Yeah, no, it was perfect. It was like the perfect day drinker's dive bar. I was like, I know this place.

I've performed here for 10 years. I've interrupted so many people here. I just know. And I told them, because I had been doing all these interviews at all these douchey Tucson places that are craft cocktail places with kind of shitty overpriced food and they're super competitive and weird and like so then i got a call from that lady like the lady who owns this bar and she's like like she sounded like old miss virgie from that todd snyder song do you guys know what i'm talking about like throw mama from the train mama? Because that's the reference. You haven't got a cousin, Patty.

Kind of like a, I mean, yeah, like an old lady. Like Tonya Harding's mother in I, Tonya. Something like that, but just a little nicer, you know? All right. She was cool, you know? Like I picked up the phone and I was like, hello? And she's like, hi, I saw that you sent me your resume. Where do you live? And was like downtown and she's like i'm all the way out in marana which is like really like a suburb like north of tucson very like conservative kind of almost like phoenix and um she was like do you

have a car and i was like yeah and she was like do you want to come by and i was like i could tell that she was such a like genuine person you know and i was like oh this would be a cool place to work after all those like douchey interviews and stuff like that but didn't you say that like when you like four out of five people that just quit in the last week that's why she's calling everybody exactly no I think I got a I got a job with the experience because then on my first day one of the other like uh bartenders who was like training me was like she was like she's like so just so you know everyone here is a horrible person and it's gonna be your worst nightmare to work here and uh like you're gonna really hate it but you're gonna make a lot of

money but it is really just like a terrible place and the chef is a horrible person and like just try not to cry if you can. That's why everyone had quit. Everyone had quit because the chef just scared everybody out. And I'm like. Like with the cleaver? If he made four people. They always have sharp things and they're always so wound, you know?

I said, if he made four people quit in a week, why wouldn't they fire the chef? And then, oh, yep, it's the owner's son. And the longer I worked there, the more I realized, the owner and her son don't really seem that bad. And then it just seemed like the the front of the house staff felt like they didn't need a new person and the owner felt like they did need a new person so there was a lot of conflict about scheduling and stuff like that and i was like you know i just don't want to deal with all the drama um but what made me really quit for sure was there

was this lady named pam who tried to get me to quit smoking to keep the job she was like we're too busy for you to be a smoker i I'm like, I'm not quitting smoking. Oh, she had a problem with a smoke break? Yeah. Oh, that's a problem. No, that's how I knew it was sabotaged because you don't fuck with people's addictions, Pam. Right?

Well, I'll be Pam. Listen, I work and I don't get a smoke break. So why should you get a smoke break? Because I smoke. But see, I don't get a smoke break though. So I don't get to loaf around and put my foot up against the wall and dirty it with my greasy tennis shoes.

Well, I mean, look, it's not a break for me. It's how I keep my sanity. It's how I keep myself from punching people like you in the face. Maybe this job... Wait, did you just threaten me? Yeah. You don't fuck with people's nicotine addictions.

We'll talk about that. We'll talk about the threat in a minute. Why do you even work here? It sounds like this is too stressful for you to do it without even having to... Why does it have to be stressful? It's a sports bar in Marana. Why do we...

It's not... You're not... We're not Gordon Ramsay. We're not... This isn't the fucking Chateau Marmont. The way she was explaining it to me, she was fucking talking to them like Olivia was talking like she'd been a fucking waitress for 44 years. I don't need this shit.

I picked it up really fast. Turns out not very many skills needed to deliver hot chicken wings. No, I mean. Wash your hands. Take the chicken wings to table 14. Yeah, no, I nailed the charisma part, you know. It's just like, oh, wrong table. But I'll give you a free milkshake.

You know, it's easy, you know. It's just like it's basically like doing stand-up, but without having to say anything you came up with on your own pam also wants to talk to you about those free milkshakes that you're in company oh my god i don't i knew i was gonna it bummed me out i loved working there but i just didn't like i don't i don't have it in me to like be like a fucking like i could tell that it was the kind of place where you had to like you had to make it your life if you were going to do well there. Like Pam. Yeah. And I respect it.

You know what I mean? I respect that level of intensity. But no, I'm not going to. I actually wanted to quit so bad because I spent four days thinking about how I could defend my smoke breaks. Like you were gearing up for the next confrontation? Totally. I was ready. I was so ready.

And I really wanted to make a good case. And then I went, this is a ridiculous thing for me to have spent four days on. I'll just find another job. And so I quit. I was there when you were mulling over quitting one or both. Yeah. And you were going to quit. I saw you quit the other one or were about to.

And then because you have a job, you're working at the AMC movie theater for no one. Yeah, I know. But it's so interesting. But you're the bartender, right? I'm the bartender at the movie theater. I do really like it. Yeah. Sometimes I work the box office too for the extra hours.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I've had to deal with people that are like, they're the worst to the box office people. A bunch of Pams? Oh, yeah, definitely. But not as smart as Pam. Like, Pam was like a social scientist. She knew exactly how to get me to quit.

And it was just sort of like, you know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What? Hang on. This is a prank we never did for one of those prank shows or the man show or whatever. But before you quit the movie theater now, because Arizona is a single party consent state, you can film without their knowledge. You could set your phone in the window. when someone buys a ticket for whatever you say.

Can I get two tickets for the Flying Eagle? And you go, oh, is that the one where the wife kills the husband at the end? Yeah, here you go. Oh, just like start ruining. Just give the end. Accidentally spoil it. That's really funny, Doug. Yeah. I don't know if you're going to want to take a girl in there.

The ending where that cop beats that kid to death. Or like telling parents that there's like a rape scene in the Pixar movies. But also give away the ending. Whatever it is, you give away the ending. Give away the ending. Yeah. Oh, man. And then we can play those on the podcast. I have a lot of fun at that that one job like that the movie theater i feel like

i could be myself because it's so boring that it's like i have to make it interesting so i put like silly notes on my tip jar and stuff yeah i i think um pam is uh really smart i'll tell you why because she's been there a while she's going to be there a while longer. Yeah. And she sees you and goes, this will not do. I can't have a charming person who has table patter stepping all over my fucking tips. And exactly what she's going to do is try and get rid of you. Yeah. And then go, yeah, these kids today, it's harder and harder to the boss and go, you know, that's why she left. And, you know, and she's out there smoking all the time.

I mean, she was fucking probably motherfucking you the whole time. Yeah, exactly. It's not like she's not aware of that. No, I'm just saying this is normal. You get people that are entrenched into a job. And the minute you want to do something that's more efficient. Oh, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Set that down. We don't do that here. We've never done that here. That's not the way things are done. And it's just the beginning of the end. They're going to try and wear you down. And you'd quit, like kids do. That's fine. Go on to another job. No, she knew the bullshit going in from day one.

But I'm saying, if you don't want to, you said I didn't want to deal with it. She said four days of worrying about a response to smoke to smoke breaks yeah you did the right thing fucking leave go do something else totally i mean like i i knew it wasn't gonna work because i caught on that like because i turns out i was really good i picked up waiting tables pretty fast and and i'm really proud of it because my mom told me for a long time that i didn't have a good enough personality to be a bartender and i believed it but it turns out i'm really good at it so i entered the tip pool like a week early and then when i got my check and everyone else got their check wait what's it

do you want to tip pool this the tip pool is basically just like they pull all the tips and then everybody gets a cut so when i came on the team they got 20 less basically you know what i mean and so then the next time i came in, they totally iced me out. And I was like, all right, you know what? I see how it is. It's never, you know what I mean? I could take over this place if I had six months. But instead, I will just leave.

I'm going to go back to my dream. Yeah. I don't know what you're going to go to when you leave here, but I was just waiting for clubs to get to full capacity. And you. I thought tip pool was like some kind of gambling thing. I was like, hey, maybe Doug's going to be a waiter. Some fucking action.

No, no. I thought it was like squares. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. One staff gets all the tips based on a draw. Because pooling tips. I know what pooling tips is. But when you said tip pool, I thought maybe $5 from every person goes in. Fantasy weight staff.

Yeah. Fantasy weight staff. Yeah, but they kept telling me like, oh, yeah, no one wants to work here because it's too hard. And then it's sort of like, oh, I think you guys actually just sort of. At a sports bar. Yeah. You know, I don't know. I don't know.

But yeah, you know, you're right. It is sort of like a normal thing. You get kind of really entrenched in a place like that and sort of, you know, I mean, and if it was easier to get a living wage, it probably wouldn't be that cut. Yeah. Are you still getting anti-masker shit here in mid-late June? Not at the movie theater anymore

because we don't have to enforce it anymore, but when we had to enforce it, it was really awkward. You know, people just didn't want to. It's completely lifted in Arizona, Doug. Yeah, I don't know. I know. Yeah, but I don't know if people people can flake people's shit for still wearing a mask.

It is America. You can wear a mesh tank top at Safeway and a mask if you want. Yeah, you guys just came back from Alaska. Without a pandemic, we should be wearing a fucking mask after the parties you've been having. No. With the people with whom you're partying. I don't know.

We're all... God, what was the fucking Billy Bad story? Which one? That you called me about or texted me about. I don't know. Shut the fuck up. I can't wait to get Barnabas back down here and fucking scare that cat away for three days. We're back.

The cat will come down to our place. Freshly. You know what got me hooked on freshly? Edibles. Edibles is where I eat like a pig and I just sit there sprawled out like pineapple express on my couch thinking, oh, you know what would be good right now?

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orders when you go to freshly.com slash stanhope stop stressing about dinner go to freshly.com slash stanhope for 40 off your first two orders that's freshly.com slash stanhope for 40 bucks off your first two orders just the moths are crazy there's just so many of them right now. Yes, we have a plague of moths. There's a lot. That's gross. We're back to breaking out the old bug zapper. That bug zapper sat behind me and was now Bingo's

underground bunker. We called it the bunker, but now she has all her shit in there. Bingo is Airbnb-ing the quiet house down the road. And once she gets a project, oh, my God, she's all over it. So she's moved all of her shit into the bunker where I used to. That's where I wrote Digging Up Mother with that bug light behind me because the fucking bugs get in so bad.

And it would thrill me every time I'd hear one of light behind me. Because the fucking bugs get in so bad. And I would just. It would thrill me. Every time I'd hear one of them behind me. Fucking zap and die. It was the most beautiful. So I was so stressed out. That was my first book. I was ill-equipped mentally.

To go through something like that. And just the sound of insects. Being fucking electrocuted. Was the only release I got other than occasional masturbation and whiskey. Speaking of masturbation, did I tell you I have a workplace romance? No. No. You're not old enough to have a romance.

What? Did I even tell you about the birds and the bees? Not yet. Should I be scared? I'm scared of bees. Let's hear your story first. We'll tell you whether you got it right or not. I could go either way on birds.

Yeah, I know. I think AMC employees are not allowed to really hang out outside the door. Fraternize. Wait, she says i think giving her plausible deniability you sign the the uh the uh well like the work packet that tells you wait okay yeah don't you have a break room where they have lots of signs that like have two figures with fucking amc name tags and pronouns and favorite movies fucking, and there's a big circle with a line through it.

No. AMC, safe and clean. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I did just put in my two weeks notice, but yeah, I'm allowed to hang out with the other bartenders, but I'm not allowed to hang out with a supervisor or a manager or even text or email

them. Oh, wait. There's like six or seven of them. What about a busboy? What about a busboy? Is this a caste system? If there was someone below me, I don't think I could have sex with them. If that's what you're asking.

By below you... What, you mean like cowgirl, you're always on top? No, no. Chams, why do you always have to bring it to the dirty place? That's why we're fucking ranked fifth in the fucking neutron ratings or whatever radio has. Yes. The arbitrons.

Yeah. The clear view ever clears. Yeah uh but there's a guy there and he talks to me about stuff sometimes and i don't know maybe we like each other like wait wait wait i want to get back to if they consider a bus boy if they have such a thing an aisle sweeper would they consider that less than you no i don't think it's like that fucking corporate racism the bartenders and like the people who sell popcorn are like this is amc this is the theaters yeah at the movie theater yeah yeah if you can't fuck a manager uh can you fuck someone below your pay grade i don't think there's anyone below my pay grade though but i mean if there was

like if i was like the bar manager then i wouldn't be able to, like, hang out with my people. Is there a guy in the projector room? No, I don't think there is anymore. I think it's, like, all, like, they get, like. Digital, right? Yeah, like a big thing in the mail. They download something, like, when you download a movie or something to watch. So there's probably even no need for a projector room anymore.

There's probably a whole room up there you can sleep in and save. How much are you paying in rent when you could sleep in the projector room? The cute guy told me about that the other day. He was like, there's like a, on the roof, there's like a spot. Don't fall for that. I actually think he was like, maybe I shouldn't have said that because it seems weird that i would just mention that there's like a room up there there's you know that cute guy's gonna kill you and leave you in a dump oh no oh man the trash compactor is a really good place to hide a

body too because no one ever goes back there and it creeps up smokers on my well exactly yeah i on my last day i right after i put in my notice, I went out to have a cigarette and there was someone by the trash compactor and he was like, it's really hot today. And I was like, we should unionize. And he was like, actually, you maybe don't want to say that because they get really kind of nervous when you say that. And I was like, wow, that's actually kind of creepy. And then someone came over with a thing of hand sanitizer and they were like, can you

make sure this isn't facing the front of the bar so that no one can see the brand name on it? Because we have a deal with Clorox now. And we can only display Clorox. Wow. It was kind of creepy for a second. I was like, oh, okay. Can you help me load this couch into my van? I did want to live in a van after I quit. For a day, I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to sell my car. I did want to live in a van after I quit.

Like for a day, I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to sell my car. I'm going to live in a van. And then I called Alex and he was like, you don't want to live in a van. You're scared of everything. Good point. You called the wrong person.

Yeah. You want to live in a van, you call me. What do you think? I think it's a great idea. Really? Yeah. All right. Absolutely.

Yeah. Could you guys, could you guys, could you get. That's a terrible idea. Why do you think it's a bad idea. Really? Yeah. All right. Absolutely. Yeah? Could you guys... That's a terrible idea. Why do you think it's a bad idea? We're on the phone. Is there someone else on the phone here? She just called me. Why is it a bad idea, Doug?

Because she's scared of everything. Well, how do you cure that? Well, I'm on Lexapro now. I'm scared of way less stuff. Well, you should be scared of living out of a van. Well, I wouldn't live out of it all the time. You have toilet issues to begin with. That's true.

Different van. It's a road trek, 190 or the 210. Is that class B? Yes, it is. Okay. Yep, under 35 feet. All right. I've done my research.

See? There's one right down the street. Scott's got one. His mother-in-law. She also has IBS. Where are you going gonna fucking take a violent fucking rancid acidic shit violent rancid yeah you do it in a bathroom not in a van no you go to like panera there's a

liberal restroom you're the one now i know i've seen how quickly you can walk out of a conversation and go to a toilet you can't drive that quickly to a Panera Bread, and it's probably closed. Oh, man. By the time Panera Bread gives you the shits, they've closed their bathrooms. Oh, there's a... So, I'm sorry. No, no, no. No, I want to get back to your workplace romance.

Yeah. No rent rendezvous we have to wear masks at work and I've only seen his entire face one time for like a second and then I started laughing and I said hi I've never seen your face before and then I ran away and then he put his mask back on and then I went yeah put it back on and he went ha

so he thinks I'm pretty funny I laughed at his face at his face but it'm at his face. But it's because I was nervous. You're talking to two men near and 60 that had the entire same life experience with brassieres. But you already made all the promises before they took them down for a second. Huh. Huh.

Oh, are you saying- Put them up for adoption? Did you? Oh, my God. Where did all this toilet paper come from so what happened with the what that's what you say to a girl when she shows you her boobs no but if if you've already made the promises oh come on tracy you know what this is the brian hennigan story where brian hennigan was where we said you went too far where he got to that situation where he's

in the beginnings of love making and notices she has a hair on her nipple and he made an excuse and left right away oh my god so if you think I'm brutal dude yeah that's pretty rough yeah Oh my god. So if you think I'm brutal.

Yeah, that's pretty rough. Yeah. What, you should have gone through with it? Well, I have a similar story, but the opposite. You had a hair on your nipple? No. And he left. I've had it laser removed. I've had it laser removed.

No, as a kid in Thief River Falls, Minnesota, doing a, you know, Thief River Falls. No, I've never heard that town. I love that name. Yeah, it is a great name. And it was just one of those tribbly dance clubs. They do comedy. That's why we never heard of it. But then, yeah yeah then there's lots of you know all the dance night lighting and it's a girl with a lot of accoutrements and a hat and a thing and a

whatever and uh i was very drunk and very upfront i said uh if you want to go to my room it's only it's to have sex and that's the only reason I'm asking. I was like, she goes, yeah, I'm in. She looked very hot. And it wasn't that I was drunk. No, she had so many items on. Like, she was a celebrity going through. Fucking didn't want to be noticed by TMZ at the airport. She had, like, a big wide brim hat and all sorts of, like, a big gaudy outfit. And then in the bright light of the fucking whatever super eight in.

My God. Yeah. I'm not like sometimes. You picked up a chick in the lobby of the super eight and you were like. No, whatever it was. A woman agreed to go to the super eight. Whatever it was, it was a pajama gig. It was a gig that was in the hotel.

It was the club inside the hotel. Do you want to go upstairs? And then when she took off all the fucking items and then got stripped down, she looked like a child that had five children. Oh, my God. Wow, that's a description. had five children. Oh my God. Wow, that's a description.

She was just, it was all just loose flesh. And she's the one, I've talked about this, you'll know, she was the one that had a prison tattoo on her forearm or whatever this is. That's a shoulder. Yeah, bicep, shouldery thing. That's not even a bicep. The shoulder's in the back, I always think. Like,

your shoulder's in your back. That's, shoulder blade is in your back. This is on your arm. You don't have a shoulder on your arm. This is your shoulder.

Yeah, but that's up top. Everybody I'm pointing to is shoulder. Yeah, this would be, all right. Your back is behind you. Yeah, I know. Where your shoulders are.

You can see your shoulders. If someone's fucking at the gym saying, I'm doing shoulders, they're not doing this. They're doing something back here. They're working the traps. If I'm at a fucking bodybuilding event and someone's showing their shoulders,

they're not showing this. They're showing the back shot. That's shoulders. No, that's not right. Anyway. You know, that's why I stopped bodybuilding because because everyone else was wrong, and I couldn't handle it. You still look good. You look good for your age, Doug. She had a prison tattoo on her shoulder.

Yeah, a homemade tattoo. I'm sure it's not from prison, that said, I heart guys. I, just like a third grader did it lefty, I heart guys. I just like a third grader did it lefty. I heart guys. Oh, my God. And it's like the Henry Phillips song. Every time I hear that song or the bit, not the song, but the bit. But yeah, I like having sex with people.

You don't even make it gender specific. I like it when people do this um but yeah and i like i love guys she goes i heart guys yeah i heart guys but paying by the letter that's a good way to save three more than that she was paid in cigarettes uh but she goes shut up I was 13 when I got that or something. Oh, my God. I wanted to Brian Hennigan the event, but I had laid down such the law. Listen, if you come up to my room, it's only for sex. I'm not going to go to the next town.

So now the onus is on me. I can't say, yeah, I didn't really want to have sex. No, I've already laid down the law. I don't want any miscommunication here. Did you cry? No, I turned off the lights. That's right. It's my fault for reading.

Oh, Michael. That's like if I was transgender, I would totally have that tattoo. If I became a woman, this will throw them off. I heart guys. What guy would have I heart guys? Or his back shoulder. You know what? The idea that you think that transgender people can't like the same sex that

they've assigned to themselves is fucking completely atrocious pretty awful pretty awful i'm gonna walk off of this podcast and i think olivia grace is good and then we're gonna switch seats and then we'll feel like it's all okay okay no. No, all right. Let's not do that. Okay. Yeah. That sounds hard. My knees kind of hurt. Yeah. You've been standing up and stretching a lot.

And I think that you're walking out on the podcast. Oh, no. Well, we are where we have been over talking. You still haven't got to your workplace room. I kind of got, I kind of did,

you know, well, you got to the, you get to the projector room before I interrupted you again. Well, the non projector room, is there just like a, like a tiny little two by two box throwing out a digital image and that

whole space behind there where you used to have like reels and reels canisters. I don't know. Oh, you haven't been up there. Yeah. Yeah. No idea.

Yeah. By the bar. Yeah. I want to though. Maybe I'll ask for a tour. I think the projectionist had a union at one time yeah they did yeah so yeah don't talk about unions yeah they get weird about it i didn't know that are they gonna let you is your boss that you're having sex with gonna let you leave yeah i put in my two weeks notice and they were like okay cool good for you oh okay i didn't know if you're gonna try to keep the job and still do months of road no no way no i'm i started to really fill up my

calendar even just in the last couple days and i was like yeah i don't want to do this anymore and it's so slow there that there's been a couple of days where i'm like this job makes me want to kill myself like just straight up i'm like sitting here thinking about like you know like oh yeah i kind of want to like put my head through the, I think that's very telling of you as, as a soul and a personality is that you had two jobs at different bars. One made you want to kill others. One made you want to kill yourself and you chose to fall on the sword. And I find that admirable.

Oh, thanks Doug. Those other four girls will live to work another shift. Yeah, it felt good to put in my notice. I was getting really bored. There was one day, like, our AC, it's also really hot in there because the

AC is not fixed right now, so in the lobby it's just like 80 degrees. And so one day I rolled up my sleeves like this and, like, put on the tip jar, please help us fix the AC. And then someone looked at your shoulder and said, I love guys. I should start. Every time someone asks me for an autograph that they tell me they're going

to have tattooed, I'm just going to write, I love, I heart guys. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. That's so terrifying. It sounds like you thought she was hot, but it turns out you just didn't see enough of her. No, he saw too much. Well, that's the thing.

It's like any kind of, like, Halloween fucking someone's dressed up as Catwoman. Well, yeah, you could shape it any way you want if it's Play-Doh in the hot sun. Yeah, you could put any kind of undergarment on to make it look whatever shape you want, but once that undergarment comes off, it spills. It's a bag of flubber. Listening to you explain Spanx

is so good. I wore a corset for years. Are you kidding me? Listen, I'm not a fucking guy that's got a laser pointer on the fucking ladies at the Studio 55. Definitely not. No, but this was drastic. He said to me. Like, this was, like, I swear that this was, like, the hottest chick in the world.

And then, yeah, it was just like. Yeah, but wrapped up like a mummy. It was like, yeah, but I didn't know that. It was like a disco night, kind of, you know, one nighter thief River Falls kind of towns that have- Yes, I know. People are doing the fucking electric slide all together. And the next night they're going to yell at each other

for stealing each other's karaoke songs. It's one of those kind of towns. But the lighting was all but the fucking floor from Saturday Night Fever. And yeah, she had a wide brim hat and lots of makeup. And it's like they pumped meth into the elevator and she aged in three floors. I mean, I've had relationships.

Well, not with girls. One girl who had one child that she did give up for adoption, but he still lives on her form. He may never. Well, she's dead now. That's Pandora. The one that i looked up and i google searched her pandora trinowski like in the early days of google i couldn't find her i'm like that's a

very very random name pandora trinowski was her legal name and then years later i think i tweeted her about it or my spaced about it and someone else found it right away in the first thing they found was uh uh texas mug shots and it was she had a bunch of them and it was faces of meth where she was just completely unrecognizable and the second one was her obituary. Yeah. It's a fucking good way to find an ex that you had to fucking call the cops on. Yeah, why'd you have to call the cops on her? It's in every one of my books. You'll have to just fucking read one of them.

It's actually in two out of three, because the last book, it was necessary after the Johnny Depp chapter to fucking recall that event, where, yeah, she's just punching my fucking lips bloody. And then when the cops showed up, I called the cops

because she was throwing all my shit out onto the fucking lawn. And then the cops showed up and she said, he tried to kill me. I'm like, oh, you're fucking kidding. Then she threw an open beer can, unopened, full beer can at my head in front of him.

I said, all right, thank God. You just fucking blew your story. Anyway, yeah, it's young love. Thanks for telling me. Oh, so you don't have to read my goddamn books? Yeah. I want to see the resume that you sent to AMC and the sports bar. Oh, you do?

I want to see. Just tell us some. Highlight your resume at like 17 years old or whatever you are. 25 now? 25. Yeah. Yeah. Why did I pull out my resume?

No, no. Just tell us some of the things that would be on it. Don't look it up. Alright, well, I'm a people person. I want to know what you did other than comedy. I mean, I put a bar back. I was a bar back at a craft beer bar in Queens. How long ago? Like two years ago.

In Queens. Did you put Roast Battle? I didn't put Roast Battle, but I did put touring comedian and stuff like organizing travel and being on time. And punctual. And being punctual and good in high pressure situations and can read a room and that kind of stuff. Like the soft skills you need as a bartender. I'm not afraid to say no to people i'm very sorry when i was thinking resume i was thinking like you have to like for your skill level i was thinking application like what's on your application i

don't i wouldn't think you'd send a resume yeah to be a bartender at amC or wherever. Yeah, you do. I mean, you drop them off. I haven't had a job since you filled out an application. Where do you see yourself in five years kind of shit. Okay. Yeah, they didn't ask me that. But they did ask. They were like, what drinks do you make a lot?

And I thought of you. And I said, I make a lot of white Russians. And I thought of your white Russians that are literally all a vodka. Completely not a white Russian at all. It's fat-free milk as opposed to half and half cream. Or cream. Even whole milk is more substantial than half and half. See, cream and half and half I thought were the same thing in a white Russian,

the same way you're telling me that a shoulder is not on your back. Yeah, you want your white Russians to be like tan or baby. That's good. I have a fucking name for it that's not It's called a shoulder. A shoulder bag is up here. That's your shoulder. A shoulder bag? Yeah, a shoulder

bag. A bag you put on your shoulder. This is your shoulder. That is but this is your arm. A bag you put on your shoulder. Hangs on your shoulder. This is your shoulder. That is, but this is your arm. This is still part of your arm. The shoulder is this. Your head is this. That seems like saying my balls are my dick. They're fucking, they're adjoining.

If you are touching the tip of your ball, tip of your dick, and said, this is part of my balls it would be are you fucking crazy if you said i have to fucking uh carry this backpack on my dick i wouldn't think the balls have to pick up a lot of this slack there's no way this part of your arm fucking helps you wear a backpack you carry a backpack on your shoulder, not on your back. That's not how they name things either. The thing that carries the backpack is the weight is on your shoulder.

Yeah, but this is part of your back. Up here is part of your back. This is the trapezoids right here. The traps going down from the neck, which is not your head or your balls. Is it your shoulder? It's not. Because it's fucking on the way. It bridges the

gap between your neck and your shoulder. They're called delts. Is this delts? No, it's traps. This is delts. Where's the traps? Are these the traps? Traps are just behind. Traps in the back. Traps are behind your delts. I know where my scapula is. Where's your scapula? On your back.

Fucking on its way out of this podcast. Okay. If I have to keep dealing with tarzangs like you. I am not a tarzang. That's a callback. I am not a bumble tard. I was having

a fight with customer service in whatever country. And I said, I had you guys out here three times to fix the same problem, but you bumbletards don't seem to know what you're doing. And I kept yelling at you. She goes, sir, sir, sir, sir. She paused me and interrupted me. I am not a bumbletard.

I just made that word up in the fucking in a hurry of fucking angst and she she knew english better than me to know that that was not a word and if it was a word she was not one of them i love that she like stopped you to set a boundary yes and then we became best friends i explained to her i, I just made that word up. And you knew to say you, like, you are fantastic. And then we had a great conversation. For the customer service to get to the point, like, all their training is, look, they're going to yell. They're going to spit.

They're going to, you know, they're going to call you names. For that person to get to the point where it was like, I am breaking protocol and going to correct him. Not only on English, but that it's rude to call me something. That I don't know what it means, but I know it's rude. Well, they were cool, bro. Bumble Tard is so adorable, too. It's so like. Well, Bumble was the character in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Hey, wait. If Bumble Tard. I've talked about this story before. If Bumble Tard is not on the Urban Dictionary, listener, fix that. Because I would love to have coined BumbleTard. There was a couple I found in the last book or two books, whatever, that I've actually. Gurgler. Low-what Gurgler?

Low-what Gurgler. In a high-back chair? A low-watt gurgler. A low-watt gurgler. And a high-back chair. I think at the very least, BumbleTard could be entered into Wikipedia and citing this podcast as a source. Cool. There you go.

Be the first. And what was the other one? Fuck, there was, I don't know. You'll tweet me. You'll email me the other one. I know Troy Holm is in the Urban Dictionary. That was one. That was the guy that stole my entire identity and made all his own social media profiles, my stories.

Writing his experiences, but they were your stories. Yeah. Troy Holm, I still think, is in the Urban Dictionary as a fucking hack who steals someone else's life or something. That was the first one. That was 2012. Anyway, so what are you going to do with your... Now that you're quitting, how's your workplace romance going to...

I don't know. Maybe we can go to a movie sometime. gonna i don't know maybe we can go to a movie sometime hey let me show you the projector room i don't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet that would be so cool i'd love to have like a teenage like movie theater romance you know cool be sweet be nostalgic you know so? So are you actively seeing this guy? No, no. We don't talk outside of work. We just sort of sometimes hang out.

No, no. It's too early. It's too early. No, we literally only talk at work. And sometimes he comes over or walks by and is just like, hey. And the other day he said something like, do you know anything about spam? And I was like, spam? He was like, spam the food. And I was like, spam? He was like, spam the food.

And I was like, I know quite a bit about spam. Because you always have spam. And I was like, my friend Doug always has spam. And he was like, you have a friend named Doug who always has spam? They're both four-letter words. Sounds like a teenage romance. It definitely does. One day he's going to figure out a callback

and he's going to go, what do I look like? Doug who has spam? And it won't fit into the conversation whatsoever, but he'll remember how to do a callback because he's watched you on YouTube. Are you potentially dating Napoleon Dynamite? Or his brother. Oh, yeah, that's right. on YouTube. Are you potentially dating Napoleon Dynamite?

Or his mother. Oh yeah, that's right. He fed the llamas to him. What a weird movie. That was cool. Yeah, you're gonna quit your job and then he's gonna go, oh, we're all free to date and stuff in whatever hole is comfortable for you.

Whatever hole? That's what he was going to say. That's actually kind of polite. She's not an employee. Well, if he's like, do you have a friend named Doug that has spam? I'm assuming you get to the...

Follow up. Yeah. Do you want me to wash my fingers before we get in the car? Popcorn butter. I've been vaccinated, but just in my shoulder. Oh, God.

Yeah. How many hearts do you break, Olivia? I don't know. I don't really pay attention. I try not to think about it. Because there's been certain gentlemen that seem to be around for a ride to Bisbee that I've never heard of or seen again. That's true. Do you do that right swipe thing, apps you know i don't want to

like i'm open to love you know i really am i've been trying to be open to love lately whatnot you know um what am i what was your question do i do the apps yeah i'd say how how many gentlemen since you've been in tucson have you've been in Tucson have you had a date with? Have I had a date with? From whatever means, be it wrong, ill-advised workplace romance, a swipe to a left or a right, two in a year. Yeah. Does that include one night stands of any kind? No.

That doesn't include us. Yeah. Does that include one night stands of any kind? No. That doesn't include those. No. Okay. I won't press any further, Your Honor. Thank you. I love that you are... No, I don't want to picture it. It's really about me. This is nothing to do with you.

No, alright. I just... I imagine you breaking down in tears. Yeah, I cry sometimes. Like right where he's like, oh, goddammit, don't stop. Here it comes. Oh, you mean like during sex?

Do I cry during sex? I don't think you have sex. I don't want to picture that either. Oh, okay. But yeah, that's what I was talking about. And then I just... It's probably not all that sex. I don't want to picture that either. Oh, okay. But yeah, that's what I was talking about. And then I just- It's probably not all that great. I corrected myself.

Well, no, the whole thing, when you break it down, we've both taken edibles. Oh, really? What's your, okay. Like, what's your guys' ratio of like sex to like- Here's to sex? Enjoy. Well, yeah, it kind of actually is what I was asking. It's like enjoyable to bad to like neutral.

Cause I always sort of like feel like with standup, it's like 70% could have gone better, could have gone worse. Like, and then like 10% great. And then like 20% bad. Well, I think, I think with gentlemen, and when I say gentlemen, I speak only for myself and no other male out there. Or any gentleman. Yeah, certainly no gentleman. I would say that the experience is 90.

Well, I guess you got to get those aging years when you were too drunk to even start involved in the. Yeah, but for men, the experience itself, you usually finish. It's how you feel afterwards. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's 90% regrettable. Is that what you're going to say? No, I wouldn't say 90%. But when you look back over the years and you have a lot of numbers, you go, ah, well, I mean, I don't know.

When you would look at it as a conquest, you didn't conquer so much. Yeah, I thought, oh, well, you know, when getting laid was some kind of had some egotistic monetary value, some kind of Bitcoin of the fucking male. Yeah, you realize how little it means. Yeah. And you thought, oh, I got laid. You're not supposed to get laid is how you're brought means. Yeah. And you thought, oh, I got laid. You're not supposed to get laid is how you're brought up. Only fucking really

fucking cool guys get laid and that's rare. There's a value to getting laid emotionally and then you go, oh, I remember bringing those fucking two strippers to the Bob and Tom Bob and Tom, not Bob and Tom, Bob and Mark or JJ and not Bob and Tom Bob Mark or JJ

and Bob JJ and Bob thing in the 90s and I go I get two strippers but they were from PJs they could have had fucking I heart guys tattoos all over him for all they do is it was a strip club you went

to to go it was a couple of mobile a couple of mobile homes pushed together is what it was. It didn't have a cement foundation. To baffle this, that's not the word. I'm trying to find all sorts of words in my head. To augment this, if you went to a Chippendales show and I was there at this age in all my glory and not even trying to suck in my gut, you would have every right to go, that guy should probably not be doing this for a living. I want my $6 back.

I mean, you don't put fucking henry in a dog show my dog henry does not belong in westminster for a reason and you and i'm sure there's someone out there going you're fucking body shaming stupid sh, whatever shaming that dog just because she's old, half blind, three quarters deaf. And this is just, I'm no nose and throat specialist in the veterinary world, but I'm guessing about that ratio of, yeah, well, all dogs are beautiful. Well, then there's no such thing as ugly because that dog's fucked. I'm just saying I'm fucked.

I should not dance in a fucking Chippendale show when there is a reasonable expectation of a quality that is prescribed by the people that go to such shows. Are you saying that you're not hot enough to fuck? Yeah, but I'm saying a lot of the women that I did have sex with over

the course of my fucking career, I feel like I should, yeah. You feel self-deprecating about it like you could have done better no i feel a lot of them were poor choices and they probably feel the same that's why i don't get a lot of hey do you remember me from 1997 after your improv show i see what you mean okay okay yeah A lot of the fucking that I did in my younger career,

you don't look for that person. Well, you probably don't remember their names, but... If you fucked Brad Pitt when you were 22 years old, you'd look him up. If he was Brad Pitt. Yes. Again, Victoria Smith was one of the

hottest girls. And she's ungoogleable if she has the same name from Walla Walla, Washington. I would love to get an email from Victoria Smith, but she's probably aged as well. Hey, send me one of those pictures of that time we fucked at the Red Apple in Walla Walla. You were running karaoke. I drove the drunkest I've ever been let's have some coffee that is the uh most charming misconnections ad i've ever heard that was good better help you know they keep saying that uh oh as life returns to normal and you might notice oh wait wait, normal life sucked too.

I'm even more depressed. I'm not celebrating like I should. I still have a shitty job. I just quit a shitty job where everybody hated me. And now I work my other job where no one shows up. If that's your day, if you're having any kind of problems, just go to BetterHelp.com. BetterHelp.com is affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere. Connect in a safe and private online environment, and it's so convenient.

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Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, help.com slash Stanhope. Tell us some missed connections from your comedy career. Missed connections? No, I mean a story like that where you go, okay, I'll do this. Oh my God. I trust he won't kill me. And then you wake up, I wish he had killed me. I hooked up with a guy on a yacht once.

He was like, I wanted to hook up with him because he had an English accent. And a yacht. High bar. Yeah, and he was like one of the a on like some rich person's yacht like if you have a big enough yacht you have to have at least like one or two people on your crew i guess and he was like the person to basically live there on the boat taking care of it and he was like that's where i live if you want to go there and fuck and we had a beer and it was great it was really cool didn't murder me at all and then after a while while, I was sort of like, wow, that went like, it could have gone like so many bad ways. Newport Beach, Harbor is where it was.

You don't find, there's more bodies in the ocean than the desert. I know Casino made it sound like the mob had the corner on the desert cemetery market, but oh, that ocean. You can find bodies in the desert. Chaley, have you ever fucked? What? Go ahead. Have you ever fucked a gal for, how do you say? Seeming status.

Because they had a financial status. There's a word I'm looking for here. But women will fuck someone because they're powerful. Have you ever been in a position where you go, oh, I have an opportunity to fuck this woman. And I want to, because she's the,

what the fucking head of the fucking radio station or no, no, I can, without a doubt, without a doubt. I know I look like a mover and a shaker that I'm, uh, circulating,

circulating myself into these, uh where it's way above me. No, I've never done that. I said it wrong. I was trying to make the point that I think that's a very female thing. I've never gone wow i i can see a situation where i might like if like someone really famous who was a woman that was like half elderly would you like glad john rivers like blow you like exactly well yeah i think that was a louis ck it was a louis episode yeah i i could i could see a fucking rare eclipse of where you'd go,

oh, I have to do this for the story, but you would never be attracted to. You didn't ask if I would do it. I know, that's what I said. You didn't ask if I ever did. The thing is, is I was in a cover band at the peak of my notoriety. So who am I even introduced to? I mean, I met the lovely Tracy years after that when I was just booking comedy.

I don't think I would have ever stayed as long as I did with Christine Hodge if she hadn't been a child star in her past. Probably not. Yeah, no, absolutely, I wouldn't. But at the same time, I don't think I'd be with Bingo if she wasn't exceptionally crazy when I met her. I thought this is a fucking... I love everything about this relationship. She's out of her mind. She's gorgeous. She's bald. This is the weirdest story. But I really

was attracted to her. Yeah, there was an attraction there. Yeah, the word attraction is so commonly misused where, no, not what you jerk off on you porn to. I'm talking about you're attracted to that personality like

i want to talk to you i want to keep talking to you i want to hang out i want to know you i want to hear what you think about stuff and yeah how you feel about stuff where you've been what how do you see the world and how is it similar to how i see the world yeah that's cool yeah you're interesting. Yeah, I don't know that I would have stayed with... I certainly wouldn't have fucking reductate my fucking window that was busted out on my 84 olds from our first date. I put new duct tape on that window

just because I was on a blind date with a fucking former child star who was People Magazine's one of their 50 most beautiful people in the world. Yeah. According to a lot of charts, evidently. I love that fucking, I think we've talked about this. He's one of those guys, he's an actor, he was on Stern talking about it when he was one of People Magazine's 50 most or the most beautiful man in the world or whatever. He said, yeah, that worked out really fortuitously with the release of my fucking hit film.

Oh, the Wolfman guy or the guy with the claw. Hugh Jackman. Wolverine. And he was not so subtle about saying it was just a PR fucking every time that happens. They don't go, oh, yeah, they haven't been in a motion picture for seven years. They've just been working on some fucking child care, Africa AIDS fucking project. But they're looking really good. So, yeah.

But they're looking really good. Yeah. Yeah. How about fucking People Magazine's most beautiful person that just works at a bar outside of Lincoln, Nebraska? I think Playboy used to do those. We really should start our own awards show. There's nothing against us doing it. What would you give someone an award for?

Anything, and we call it Just life awards? It's called what's considered to be the most prestigious award in the industry. So then someone can put on you have to get that domain.

What's considered to be the most prestigious award in the You have to get that domain. Yeah, that's a really funny idea. What's considered to be the most prestigious award in the industry. Oh, that's the name of it. Yes. So that way anyone can put, and they've won what's been considered the most prestigious award in the industry. And then we put in best of fucking making spam. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That's a great idea. That of fucking making spam. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's a great idea. That is a long URL. Yeah. It won't be owned by anybody. That's true. I'm guessing it's available. Yeah.

And then you can put out the award whenever you want on Twitter. That's such a perfect idea. It doesn't have to be annually. You just think, oh, I just stopped here. Fuck a Yelp review. We're going to put them on what's considered the most. People you meet on the road. I wrote it down.

What's considered to be the most prestigious award in the industry. In the industry. That's so wrong. Maybe you cut it down to a wall. I like it like that. Let's not stifle the creative process here because I think it's spot on. Yeah, great. Olivia just did some shows with, or a show with Kyle Kinane.

Oh, yeah, Flagstaff? Yeah, yeah. That was such a fun show. It was so fun. What venue was that? Flagstaff Bruco. Oh, was it Yucca North? No, it wasn't Yucca North. No, but the guy who owns Yucca North was there. It was

a pretty cool show. It was like a beer bar with a lot of regulars and they do cocktails and stuff like that and then we had a side room with 50 people of regulars and they do like cocktails and stuff like that. And then we had like a side room, like 50 people, 50 seater. It was awesome. All wood and brick. So it sounded cool.

It was just fun. Yeah, it was an awesome show. I'd just say the Yucca North because we just got booked at the Yucca North. Oh yeah! August 10th in Flagstaff. And if you just go to DougStanley.com you can check out all the dates under tour dates. And I don't know. Where did he go? He's taking a tap off.

So what... Was that your first gig back? Full show, like out of town, like a road? Yeah, like getting a hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I did a guest set on another show in Phoenix. Yeah, but I mean, you're in Tucson. I mean, it's like to get

to leave home, that was the first one? Yeah, to really, really get out. Yeah. How long did you do? 20 minutes. Man. We're going to be, I just had to go take a piss and that's why I set Olivia up with the hey, you just worked with Kyle Kinane so I

could go piss so you could cover for me. That's what we're going to be. Well, we didn't tell you're going to be on my first date and Flagstaff August 10th. What? I am. That's Junior. Oh, yeah. No, I'm flying.

No, no, no. I asked about Flagstaff. You are right about that. But I decided to just fly to Salt Lake City instead of following you guys in the car. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. We just lost an act and we instead of following you guys in the car. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. We just lost an act and we didn't find out because she's irresponsible. She gives the fucking two weeks notice to AMC,

but never tells me she's not going to fucking split Junior's time and Flagstaff. Well, I guess I see that her priorities lie corporate. Maybe we should have a corporation. Have you heard of Shake the baby.com? Yeah. You can list your pronoun and the fucking comic that will replace you. Next time you fucking no show a gig. I already had you scheduled for Flagstaff.

Sorry, Flagstaff, just Salt Lake city on this run. So junior's not doing the tour. Yeah, he is, but she was going to come do some sets in Flagstaff and Salt Lake, but she will...

I will be in Salt Lake. Can you commit? Can you look me in the eye and commit that you're not going to just flake off and decide you're... I decided to take a bus all the way to Canada and bypass Flagstaff and Salt Lake and go to Manitoba, where

there's a man with a lisp that's waiting for me. I commit to Salt Lake City. Alright. I have my flight booked on Delta. We're playing Keith Stubbs Club. Ooh. Oh, God, Chaley, we gotta get Keith Stubbs on the fucking podcast. Keith Stubbs? It's Salt Lake.

He runs, uh, he owns... Wise Guys? Wise Guys. But, back in the day, me and Becker and Chili Dog Dave Dennison were all, like, openers for him. Like, I'd show up, he'd bring Chili Dog, and I'd bring Becker. And, yeah, the story of the inevitable bonefish happened with fucking Keith Stubbs. All right. He was a guy, like, he was pulling from the crowd. Like, he was getting laid.

And, like, he's, like, old. He's, like, 36 or something. And he's still getting laid. How weird. 36? Well, we were. Oh, okay. 38.

The point is. I get you. Okay. okay we were kids and he's almost 40 and like that guy's fucking the waitress right now he probably doesn't want to talk about any of that yeah maybe not but you can still do we have one night or two nights in salt lake. All right. I won't have time to flesh him out to see if he's in the mood, but no, I'm sure he's not. We'll be there a day early, though. He's the guy, when I was starting to come into my own, he was at a place where he's buying a comedy club and settling down, and he would apologize to me by email for it because his first club was provo

utah completely clean spotless mormon and i i'm sorry i can't book you here and i like i haven't asked you i don't want to work there like i wouldn't want to work under those conditions i got my own shit going on and he was like very politely he wasn't condescending but at the same time i was in a place where i like fuck you that's condescending. But at the same time, I was in a place where I was like, fuck you. That's condescending. He didn't mean it like that. It's cute that he didn't think you were self-aware enough. I mean, you weren't.

Well, he knows. I mean, we're working CW Kendall gigs in fucking San Angelo and Killeen, Texas. Yeah, we came from a place where you, you always ask for work no matter what. He didn't understand that. I got into a place where I didn't need that. Where, where else,

where else do you want to work? Well, I'm doing San Francisco with you in Boston. Well, want to work. I'm trying to, I'm saying, well,

I want to work. I am doing most of the gigs that we have coming up are fucking slapdash put together. So I'm going to be flying a lot. I will not be able to bring my own opener like we usually do where we drive for all the decent weather months. Yeah. Do the full Midwest. So I might be flying from fucking Portland, Maine to St. Louis to Portland back to Philly. But you are open for booking.

So how do people get a hold of you to book you? Because you're going to be out there. Yeah, you can. Well, you can always follow me on Twitter if you want to know when my dates are or on Instagram at Olivia Does Bits. And then if you want to book me, you can email me at OliviaGraceComedy at gmail.com or you can go on my website, OliviaIsFunny.com. There's a contact form

where you can contact me. And the thing I love about Olivia is she still has a sense of humor. Like we still do. Yeah, we're going back to Idaho Falls. Idaho Falls, if you haven't, I don't know when the fucking hard copy's coming out. Hennigan was watching England versus Scotland today

rather than fucking figuring out how we're getting the hard copy of the book out, but it's still on Audible. No Encore for the Donkey is named after a chapter I wrote about the last time we played Idaho Falls in 2016 and how it felt akin to doing a donkey show. And I was not the donkey. I was on the catching end.

I don't know how. Anyway, the point is, we still love doing those gigs as much as we love selling out the fucking o2 hammersmith in london and fucking olivia is the same way so she'll accept all offers yeah i want to um providence rhode island i want to try to do a gig there oh the comedy connection is a fucking sweet club there really they'd love you yeah okay yeah yeah i want to book then i'm booking the northeast and i'm booking around tennessee right now so did you do you ever say that uh wait no you don't because you never ask me if you ask me

hey what on my on my website is my previous dates yeah any place Any place I've ever worked, just say, hey, Doug Stano said I should contact you because this is a great place to work. I can really do that? Yeah. I can throw your name out like that? That's so nice of you. That means so much because I never want to ever be like, oh, drop your name too much or whatever. Oh, Jesus. Now everybody that's fucking listening is going to use

that fucking... Yeah. And say... He wouldn't mind if you called him to ask him or just fact check this because he said this out loud

on a podcast. A lot of people say this. Thanks, Doug. You're welcome. You fucking don't even talk to me about this shit before you get a job at a movie theater. You've had no customers. You've had a shift with

no customers. I've had a couple shifts with no customers, yeah. I wish this was one of those next time we do a, a, the Patreon happy hour. If you have a story where you've worked in the eight hour shift and had no customers,

I want to hear from you. We, we, we should do that. I've done comedy for nobody. Yeah. I also have. Yeah.

Just, just keep doing your act in case people walk by in the casino. They'll think a show is going on and they'll come in. But that was once. Yeah, I want to talk to anyone who's had a job. I got to thank April. I have to plug Bingo's Airbnb. It's the quiet house in Bisbee in the Warren District. Airbnb. It's the Quiet House in Bisbee in the Warren District. Yeah, I guess I was going to say,

leave some reviews on that, but you can't unless you actually stayed there on Yelp. That doesn't work. That's not fair either. I think it looks great. I think there'll be no problem with that. Well, here's the thing. Her first booking is tomorrow during Pride weekend. Now, when we first met back then, it was Justin and Jen that owned it. And we were asking them podcast questions. And like, you have to clean these up yourselves what's and they said oh pride is the worst because you're finding you know substances and implements like yes uh so so bingo's first airbnb booking she started this because tarik started this this. And she's like, well, I can be self-sufficient and I can help. Yes, you can, honey. But now she's just like buying things and moving things and paying

people to fix things that make it perfect. And I hope that she sticks with it. But she's like me where, yeah, projects. I'm no Chaley. She's no Chaley. You're no Chaley with your two-week notices. Only Chaley is Chaley that sticks with a project. I'll stick with a grift. If you're on the positive end of a scam, you'll see it through. That's great. Does Tarek even have a booking yet?

Well, no. His whole fucking, you guys have been gone Tarek's whole house got fucked up like the plumbing and they had to tear out walls and units and there was leaks and then the fucking insurance company was gonna fucking take care of it and then they weren't

that's fucking crazy he hasn't even been there a year that fucking house is younger than my career it's like a 1991 house. I don't know. I don't ask. I know. They have their problems. I have my problems.

This is a point in time where everyone's staying the fuck out of each other's hair because, okay, we have to go back to work. That real life thing that I thought was never going to come back is haunting at my door. So, your fucking walls blow out, so be it. Can't deal with your shit?

I'm not the guy to call. Papa's got to work. Back when I used to have an outgoing greeting, I used to say, Hey, this is Stan Hope. I don't usually an outgoing greeting. He used to say, hey, this is Stan Hope. I don't usually answer my phone. If this is an emergency, I'm probably not your guy. Is this a thank you? That is.

Oh, shit. Oh, thank you. Fuck. I have them stacked up in front of me. I'm missing a few. Someone sent me the book, 10 Days in a Madhouse by Nellie Bly, which I already read.

Thank you very much. I read that in anticipation of Bingo's. It's similar to Bingo's book, The Madhouse Diaries, about someone who spent 10 days in a madhouse. That looks old, like the 1800s or something. 1887. She went in as an

investigative journalist before they had that word. Sue Mon? Dear Doug, Jensen ladies, just a quick note to say how much I love and appreciate All of you Love and quarantine Recovery

Kid sister Oh she's the one who sent the Trader Joe's That's the honey Oh bingo's airbnb Has the chocolate truffles And chocolate covered Trader Joe's pretzels I said well I don't eat these But you can put those for the first night chocolate truffles and chocolate-covered Trader Joe's pretzels.

I said, well, I don't eat these, but you could put those for the first night. You are supporting Pride Weekend. God knows where those truffles are going to end up. They're not pretzel sticks. Who's next? You got a couple of books there yeah uh oh uh i haven't read this but i did a fucking kevin dombrowski's podcast just jokes i believe it's called we were talking about this because we both got advanced copies of andrew hankinson's don't, either laugh or don't. Don't applaud. Sorry, I fucked that up.

Don't fix this. Don't applaud, either laugh or don't, at the Comedy Cellar. It's a book about the Comedy Cellar in New York, the legendary club. So we get an advanced copy. That's going with me to Gibraltar. Please set it on top of my laptop so I don't forget that. I knew when you fucking asked me, what books are you bringing to Gibraltar?

And I said, I don't know. I got a few laying around. And I go, I know I have one, but I put that out here to remember to say thank you. Now I have to remember to put it back in. This is a guy from fucking stole this Bible from a hotel in Amsterdam during a horrible work

trip in April. The city was locked down and I had to sit in this shitty room sober way longer than I even want. Thanks for teaching me not to care about work and never work hard. It saved the do a show in Italy sometime. Giacomo.

Giacomo? Giacomo? Giacomo. Giacomo? It's Italian. Giacomo. Right. Are you fucking serious? You don't know Giacomo?

I don't know. Giacomo? I don't know Giacomo. Oh, Duff. Fucking Duff Hendrickson sends great shit. He sent me all these cigarettes, and he sent me a letter. I enjoyed talking to you. Is this the same guy? Duff, yeah.

I'm not going to read his personal thank you for giving me the fucking who? Anyway, Duff Hendrickson. Oh, shit. I think I have to fucking... That's a self-addressed stamped envelope. Are you sending him something?

Do you want me to read it for you? No, just remind me to do something with that. Yeah, I didn't realize. Sorry, Duff. I didn't realize this was a fucking two-way street. And there's other shit inside. Thank you guys for all your... Where did this come from?

Oh, Guy. Guy. Yeah, he sent you whatever. It's a Polaroid. Yeah, that's one of the things. He sent some shit. I don't know what it was. All right.

Check the back of the fucking mom car, because that's where all the thrift store stuff goes. Oh, he sent like a wig. He sent two Bibles. Those two Bibles that are there. Yeah, he sent those and a fucking wig in a net. And I didn't even pull it out of the... It's in a hair net, like closed up. Well, that's how they're shipped.

Well, it's fucking... It seems like a long blonde wig. Maybe it's so you can dress up as Guy. Yeah. It's blonde. It's like blonde blonde. I mean, if we could dress each other up as a lot of things, we're at a certain age where we don't have to say

I'm sorry. What would you dress up as for Escapade? Well, all I have is fucking Guy's blonde wig. Yeah. And two Bibles. So I guess a guy with a blonde wig and two Bibles. Kind of writes itself. Yeah. That's cool. You can definitely do a lot with that. There's two Bibles. Kind of writes itself.

Yeah. That's cool. You can definitely do a lot with that. There's a lot there. There's a Bible salesman porn just waiting to happen. Well, you could find the bondage and discipline angle in that, oh, you have to hold these two Bibles under your arms. And if you drop them when I fuck you in the ass, then you go to hell. I'll tie you up with my hair.

Is this bondage? Yeah, dude. I like, I like, that's weird. I didn't know that you could do it but i get it now you can do bondage with a little dash of spiritual abuse that's kind of cool that's that's popular all right now i'm very high but that's where that came from the first time i did mushrooms in 1985 on hollywood boulevard with carrie hanley's sister, you're so cool. I fucking heard. She had her dog, and we put him in a tuxedo. I only had one black suit, so he dressed the dog up on it,

and there was this fucking Christian-y, fucking kind of group of, not improv group, but a sketch group where the guy was dressed up at the as the devil and he has one of the fucking things that gymnasts flip around and now what i'm doing to you it's called bondage i'm going to hell and i was tripping my balls off with a dog in a tuxedo watching this guy portray the devil in fucking like a sketch. Rather than preaching to you, they had a fucking theatrical performance. And what are you doing? He's fucking rapping the, you know, the flippery things.

You know, the gymnast does the fucking tumble. Streamers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The point is, no idea. Well, I didn't know. You just kind of chimed in like you were reading my mind. I didn't say anything. Tracy said that.

Streamers. I don't know. Like the ribbon. Anyway, thank you. Get me out of here. Fucking Dave Rader takes me out. Hey, I want to look at this property. It's like between here and Hereford.

It's off the fucking grid. I know it's all destroyed and dilapidated, but I want to take a look at it. It was a fucking hour of fucking 10 mile an hour dirt roads in and out to see like the fucking remains of what used to be a structure. Wow. This is where the fire was. Forget my point. You're tired. You want to get out of here no whatever you just said last

streamers? oh no he's trying to get he's checking his GPS like this is a grid of dirt roads out there and he's checking his GPS I'm going to see if I can get a faster way back out of here

helicopter? I'm like do you really think? And so he's on his GPS and I, I got on my Android. I go, Hey Google, I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here.

And I will say the same thing to you. Bingo. I'm a goddamn celebrity. So is at Olivia does bits. Olivia grace, Greg Chaley, Tracy fresh back from Alaska. We're going to fucking check them for scabies and ticks. Bingo.

Take us out of here. Okay. Bye bye now. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.