The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#451: Tony Viagra Won A Bet

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

Doug made a promise to comedian Tony Viagra and this podcast proves he kept his word. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded June 20th, 2021 on the road with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tony Viagra (@ViagraTony), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded June 18th, 2021 on the road with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Olivia Grace (@oliviadoesbits), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Comedian Tony Viagra, The Gangster Of Comedy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf09GEiew7s Hire Tony Viagra - https://www.gigsalad.com/tony_viagra_mechanicsburg It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Want more annoying Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hello, today we have on the very persistent, diligent and relentless Tony Viagra. How are you, Tony? I'm great. How are you, Doug? Good. Now that we get all the technical glitches hopefully sorted. Great to see you. Yeah, it's good to see you.

I don't know if you remember Tony Viagra. We had him at the Harrisburg show. Yes. And we had a ton of fun just fucking with you via email. I know. I know. I remember. And yeah, well, he'd email me as Tony Viagra. And then he'd email me as his real name.

And then I'd act like I was confused. Well, I already booked a guy named Tony Viagra. Sorry. Wait, no, I am Tony Viagra. So he did the show. And then he wanted to be on the it turned into an affair a one one way affair where tony would just email me about any gig that was within a thousand miles of him can i open that gig can i open that gig i'm running

for president can i talk to you on the podcast? I said, if you can go a year without emailing me, I'll have you on the podcast. And he did. Yes, he went over a year and then said, I'm ready to travel out. I have all my vaccinations. It doesn't work like that. You get a Zoom call. I was hoping.

Did you sell vacuum cleaners door to door before you did comedy? Because you have that kind of don't take no for an answer. I should have. I should have because I have that persistence in my blood. You know, when I was in graduate school, Peter and I went to graduate school and you had to do a bullshit master's thesis, which was total bullshit. And I got mine done and approved and my advisor said to me so i want to tell you one thing he said you're persistent you're really

persistent and don't ever change and uh so i took his advice it's a bullshit thesis that you know most people didn't graduate because they're doing a thesis that i never understood they do this fucking coursework and you don't do the thesis. That's bullshit. And my thesis was total bullshit, too. What was your thesis? My thesis or my thesis was on computer crime in the public sector. Isn't that a bullshit topic to begin with? Computer? Give us a really brief synopsis of your life because I know that you are a disabled veteran.

I am. You drop that everywhere you think you can use that card. Only with you, Doug. That's only with you, Doug. Only with you. I was going to ask, am I the only one that you pester on a consistent basis?

Yes. Positively. You're the only one. If I went to the Montreal Comedy Festival and I was hanging around with Bill Burr and Dave Chappelle and all those guys. And I said the name Tony Viagra. They wouldn't all just go, oh, my God, that guy fucking emails me relentlessly. No, they say.

They say who? Yeah. Who? All right. I think they say seriously. OK, my life, my life, my fucked up life. It's just the quick wikipedia page okay uh well let's see i uh i wanted to be in the military i wanted to be in the military in the air force

and i finally got in the air force and uh i love the air force the air force was so good for me and i injured my leg in the air force and the Air Force doctors gave me this medication for my leg injury that caused the duodenal ulcer that hemorrhaged so bad. I lost so much blood. I went up to intensive care getting transductions, and then they said, because you have this duodenal ulcer that hemorrhaged, you can no longer be in the Air Force. So I discharged you as a disabled veteran.

That is not what I wanted. I had absolutely no say in it, and I was devastated and came back home flat on my ass and I was a wreck and but I immediately got up on my feet and got a job and started going to graduate school at night and I work on my master's in business because I've always been obsessed with financial markets like stock market I mean I've loved that stuff for like 60 years now I'm interested in that stuff the stock market you know old financial market I love it so I went to graduate school. I got an MBA. That would help me. And I learned shit about financial markets when I graduated.

So I learned shit about it there. And everything I know that I taught myself. You know, I started something. I wanted to finish this. I got my MBA. But the thing I really wanted more than anything was I wanted to be a fucking attorney. I don't know. It was in my genes or something. I had to become an attorney or my head was going to explode if I didn't become

an attorney. Once in the Air Force, I realized that I can become an attorney. I can. I can do anything I want to. I learned that there. So I found a law school that had a night program and I worked and I went to law school at night. I got my JV, finished law school 10 months early, passed the board exam the first time

and I'll tell you, if you think a lot of comedians are assholes, try going to law school sometime and you meet the law students. I mean, comedians have nothing on them when it comes to being assholes. I got news for you. I mean, they're the biggest sociopathic assholes you'll ever fucking meet. But I passed the bar exam

and I decided that I did not want to work at a private practice firm because when I was in law school I clerked full time for this private firm and he was the most sociopathic. He was a rainmaker. I didn't want to work at a private practice firm because when I was in law school, I clerked full-time for this private firm. And he was the most sociopathic. He was a rainmaker. He was a rainmaker. And he was the most sociopathic asshole.

I mean, this guy was a dim world. He was a dim world. I mean, this guy had no fucking scruples about anything. And I thought, man, I don't want to be part of this shit. So I got a job with the government as a government attorney. And I spun my wheels there for like 20 fucking years, 21 fucking years. And then I was trying to do stand-up comedy. That was my real passion, was to do stand-up comedy.

That was my real passion. And where I live, where I work, there aren't many opportunities to do stand-up. Tony, when did that become your real passion? Oh, actually, back in the Air Force in the early 80s, was where I made cash to be a stand-up. That's where it really started. That's where it started. And I spent all those four years looking for a place I could open my ear. I couldn't find one.

And I had all this fucking stupid material in my head that I wrote, you know, stupid material. And I kept going over my head. You know, I already had like half an hour of bullshit material in my head. And I finally got on stage. When did you first get on stage? Oh, boy, I got on stage oh boy i got a stage oh about let's see seven years ago in uh ocean city maryland about seven years ago all right yeah were you still an attorney at the time oh yeah yeah i still am yeah yeah oh you still yeah i

didn't i didn't assume that you were uh making a living from stand-up comedy by any means but uh i also seem to be living out of your car so i thought i maybe you made the jump to full time but you know actually i stopped doing i you know i'm still attorney but i stopped doing that that work i'm not doing that i mean 100 of my focus is on stand-up and you know it's been tough but you know i don't think the last 14 months have been kind of tough. I've done tons of Zoom shows, Zoom comedy shows. Everybody trashes them. Actually, I like them. I do like them because

I've got to network with comedians from all over the world and did a lot of networking. I got to write a lot of new material. I worked really hard on my stand-up during the pandemic. I worked really hard working my bullshit at home. I wrote really hard. And like,

when you let me open for you again, you're going to see, I'm a totally different comedian. Now you can be so impressed. You can be so impressed. You're not going to be like, you're going to be in shock. You're going to be in shock.

You can see that's not the Tony Bagger. I remember. I did just watch about six minutes of a nine minute clip you have on YouTube. I don't know how recent that was. That's old. That's very old. That's very old. That's very old. It's very old. Do you regret putting up early sets? No, no, no, I really don't. I have a bunch

of new stuff to put up. If I ever get around to putting it up, I have tons of new stuff to put up and tons and I never get around to putting it up. But no, I don't regret it. Actually, someone else put that up. I did not put that up. But it has like 1,200 dues, which for me is pretty good. You know, that's pretty good for me, 1,200 dues. You know, I guess like 200,000 is good for you. I mean, 1,200 is good for me, you know. Yeah, I don't check, but I also don't put anything up. Someone else put that up, actually.

I haven't actually put anything up myself. I never put anything up myself. Other people put it up. I don't really give a fuck either. Go ahead and put it up. Tell us, since your jokes are usually pretty brief tell us some of the ones you've written during the pandemic that you're proud of oh yeah you know you know if i was a psychic and i knew that airplane was going to crash i'd buy a round-trip ticket for my ex-wife i'm just fucking around you can't say that

that's not right you can't say that i That's not right. You can't say that. I'd buy her a one-way ticket. I wish my ex-wife the best. Only the best. The best of everything. The best chemotherapy. The best artificial limbs. The best wheelchair. Go some more?

No, no. Maybe we'll revisit some. You don't want to burn it. When I was watching the stuff that you were doing like when you came to harrisburg uh yes that's when we had shane gillis so we had like five comics on shane gillis yeah he got fired got fired from snl yeah he it was that scandal was fresh so yeah bullshit scandal but yeah yeah so we wanted to get him on the bill, but I did not want to cancel you last minute after all the fun we had at your expense.

Yeah, it was. And then Olivia Grace was on that show, too. So what material have you dropped since all this new... Oh, let's see. Because I was wincing a little bit watching that set on YouTube. Which part made you wince? That'll help me if you tell me what made you wince.

Your opening joke and most of the subsequent jokes. What about Eat Rotten Pussy, that one? Yeah, that one. Well, you didn't say pussy, you said cunt. You have to see bum. Okay, you can say cunt a lot. For a guy who has like a lot of shock value in your uh in your punch lines with you still use unnecessary fucks which makes it feel

like yeah it loses its power loses its power right yeah just sounded like you said fucking cunt a lot which yeah is uh you know when you have juxtaposition of this is an old man in a suit with a hat and goofy glasses and a bow tie, you go, ah, well, I didn't expect that. From grandfather. Then you come to expect it, and it kind of loses its... Yeah. I have tons of new material since then, Doug. Tons of new bullshit.

Tons. I'm totally different now. When you next time you let me open for you, you're going to be shocked. This isn't the same 20 grand. I'll be shocked if I let you open for me again. Yes, absolutely. That's real shock value. Can I ask you,

why are you sitting in your car on a hot day in June? I'll tell you why. Because I'm driving back from New York, visiting some friends. First time I've been out like 14 months. I'm driving home and I just pulled over for a pit stop and I checked my email and I said, boom. I thought it was like two minutes to three. I said, oh, geez, from Shaley. And I thought, oh, boy.

I said, I panicked. I said, oh, I'm just on now and blah, blah, blah. And I got on. I said, oh, I'm, you know, I just found out and blah, blah, blah. And then I got on. I said, oh, you better get on. What the hell? You may never get another chance to get on the podcast. I just, I mean, that's why I'm in my truck.

And I, fortunately, I have my 20-bagger hat and glasses with me so I can be like, it was like the asshole that you expect. I did wonder that, because I didn't email you with a time until last night and I didn't see a response. So when I came out here to the fun house, I didn't email you with a time until last night and i didn't see a response

so when i came out here to the fun house i didn't know if you'd even had read the email yet i did not no i didn't i was last night was so fucked up up here it was really fucked up night tell us about tony i want to know what a fucked up night and tony viagra's life is. Tony's the gangster of comedy. Yeah, that's me. What was fucked up about it was, I was up visiting this lady. She's a very talented comedian, and her and her daughter were hanging out, and she's a very dear friend.

I had to switch to motels because I was staying at this Holiday Inn. There was a shithole dump, and ants on the floor, so I thought, fuck this. So I had to switch during the day. Switch to the Hampton Inn. Switch down to Hampton, like 20 miles away. Switch down to the Hampton Inn, which is very nice.

Very nice. But the ride last night, I went up to meet them for dinner at this great restaurant in Mount Kisco, New York. A great restaurant. Then afterwards, I was driving down, and it was so dark. It was raining, and I couldn't see. The jeep in my truck was fucking me all up and I kept getting lost. I was getting so goddamn stressed. Man, until I got back to that

hotel and got in, I was wiped out. Wow. See, when you said that was a really fucked up night, I thought there was whiskey bottles shattering. I wish. I wish. My idea of fucked up is pretty dull. No shallots?

I drove all the way here for dinner with my friends and you're out of shallots? Shallots? What kind of law? What kind of law? I think it's honest law.

He's not employed. He's living out of his car. Are you tenacious? Are you as tenacious on the case as you are trying to open for me or get on the podcast? Like, do you relentlessly email judges saying, hey, I was hoping we could get that case dismissed. Haven't heard back from you. Yeah, I was, I was hoping we could get that case dismissed. Haven't heard back from you. Yeah, I was a very hard worker. I was actually, I was, you know, professional licensing, you know, doctors, nurses, CPAs,

you know, professional licensing. Well, there's prosecutors for professional licensing. That's what I was. I was a prosecutor of professional licensing where I prosecuted sexual predator doctors and crooked CPAs and drug-addicted nurses. I prosecuted them in what's called administrative law. That's what I did. All right.

I love doing trial work. I really loved it. And I love trying to protect the public from asshole professionals. So back to the question I had before, What material have you had to let go? Like, what jokes have you thought, yeah, I shouldn't do that one anymore? I went to Home Depot and bought a front door. I don't have a house. Just a front door.

Thanks for laughing at the homeless. I dropped that. I what? I dropped that. I'm trying to think what else. I dropped a lot of bullshit. I dropped a lot of stuff. Actually, I don't even want you to do it,

but do you have jokes that you thought, oh, that's a little too crude, that's a little too sensitive? Well, you know, I thought about, you know, the stuff about eating rotten cunt, you know, because I've killed with that in a couple of places. I mean, they went berserk, went berserk on that. They did. In fact, can I tell you a little short story about that?

Can I tell you a short story about that? Yeah. There's a place near Harrisburg called the Comedy Zone. I'm sure you've heard of Comedy Zones. Oh, sure. And they're a big local attraction. There's a guy named Raymond, this Amish comedian. This guy dresses up like Amish, and he says fuck a lot.

And the owner of this place actually thinks i'm funny and believe it or not and he told me that he wants you to open for raven so okay this is the old greek guy that owns the place i want you to open for raven i said okay so he said you come here you sit here don't talk to anyone blah blah blah so i go there that night open for raven uh took my former girlfriend i have a lot of former girlfriends and he said sit back here then I guess the manager of the comedy club was like incensed that the owner went over his head and booked me

so anyways so then okay long story short it's kind of like two gimmick acts that's like putting carrot top on in front of Gallagher I know so anyways so then the guy that's going to be the top on in front of Gallagher. I know. So anyways, so then the guy that's going to be the host

that night, I won't name any names and I won't say anything derogatory about him, but he comes over to me and he says you're going to get this two minutes. Two fucking minutes. Two fucking minutes. Yeah. And he minutes, yeah. And he said, how do you want me to introduce you?

I said, well, Tony McGregor, the gangster comedy. Okay, cool. He said, sit over by the stage. He said, I'm going to do my 10 minutes, then I'm going to put you on. Okay. I go sit by the stage. So what's this guy doing? He said, we're talking about his dog's vulva. His dog's fucking vulva.

That's as funny as colon cancer. His dog's vulva. What are you talking about? His dog's fucking vulva. That's as funny as colon cancer. His dog's vulva. What are you talking about? His dog's vulva. I don't happen to be a dog lover. I'm a dog lover, by the way. I don't appreciate any material about dogs, okay? People, yes, not dogs.

Anyways, today's show, okay, now- Tony Viagra draws the line at dog vulva material. Yes, I do. I do have my boundaries. I want I do. I do have my boundaries. I want you to know I do have my boundaries. And then he says, here's some local guy, Tony Viagra, that tank's a fucking lump asshole. Here's some local guy, Tony Viagra. So I go on and say, this place is back.

You know, this guy's a big draw, you know. This place is back. It's a little place, you know. And then, you know, I go you know i said welcome to you know comedy where we present family family comedy similar to the entire family and i said anybody here and the place went berserk the place went crazy and the whole place blew up and they were fucking howling you know and then when i did some more shit and then i was you know i walked off the stage i was walking down and everybody reached out to shake my hand. It was surreal. It was surreal.

And then, so I hung out in the back with my ex-girlfriend. And then Raymond comes on. He says, why do you think some old guy is standing up here saying, cut? I thought he was just making a funny. Turns out he was pissed off that I stole his thunder. And then he complained, you know, I stole Raymond's thunder. and then he complained you know i i saw raymond's thunder and so the next guy i was the next day excuse me the next day the manager goes on the internet on one of these bullshit sites on there and trashes me to shit trashes me to shit for saying the c word before the main event and you

never say the c word before the before the headliner you never say i never do that right learn something new you can never say that so I violated, I said the same word before you came on, so I violated that rule more than one time. And it trashed me to shit. So I called up that website. I said, hey, man, this is bullshit. It has nothing to do with your site. They took his review down. And I called up and said, you tell that fat motherfucker

I'm going to turn him into silk his fucking ass. And he did tell him. I guess he showed his pants. But anyways, that's the end of that story. That's the short story on that one. How many times have you been fired? A couple of times. A few times. A few, not too many.

I can think of maybe, actually fired, maybe three times. It's always like a badge of honor, you know, the red badge of courage, you know, for me, it's always like a badge of honor. I got medals on my shirt. I got medals on my shirt. Give us an example of like a time and place and reason that you had. Oh, I was doing this. Somebody reached out to me to come do stuff at this private social club in Harrisburg.

And they were going to try something new. They wouldn't have a band. They wouldn't have a comedian. And I said, okay. You know, I said, check me out on YouTube. You know, oh, that's fine. That's fine. Okay. So I go to the club and, you know, said check me out on youtube you know oh that's fine that's fine okay so i go to the club and uh you know they introduced me and i go up to the stage and i start doing

my material you know and and uh and i guess a couple of my some old some old spark walks right on on the stage some old fucking and he whispers in my ear hey you gotta tone it down that's all i put in his fucking mouth okay so i tried toning it down i did it goes back on with disease that's enough that's enough that's it that's it that's enough fuck you so i walked over to the lady that hired me i said what's his fucking problem and uh so you know i felt like i was doing stamp you know in front of you know in front of bowling pins that's what it seemed like uh pins in a bowling alley that's what it felt like and uh you know but the thing is like when iins in a bowling alley. That's what it felt like.

But the thing is, when I'm in front of my crowd, it's heaven. Your crowd was my crowd, because they were going nuts. And afterwards, a bunch of people came up to me and told me how much... One guy came up to me and said, after your show, he came up to me and said, I always hate the opening act, but I sure like you. I said, thank you so much. So your crowd was my crowd, actually. It really was.

And another time, oh, the most famous time was when I got this gig doing stand-up. Some guy reached out to me on the internet and said, hey, do you want to do a stand-up at my wife's surprise birthday party at this restaurant? I said, well, sure. And since it was a local restaurant, I gave him a low price. And I said, but, you know, check me out. I even sent an old video. I said, this is who I am. Oh, that's fine.

That's fine. It's all adults. That's cool. It's all adults. Okay. So I read it on the price. I went to the restaurant on a day. It was a surprise birthday party for his wife.

And I walked in and I walked in the back of the restaurant and talked to the husband. The husband was sitting there. The husband was a she who looked like a he. Why don't give a fuck? Okay. And the first thing the husband says, you know, the black cornbread glasses and the pompadour haircut all that shit and the first thing the husband says to me no gay jokes and i said i don't do gay jokes okay so my husband said i'm going to introduce you as my friend steve from work i said okay i'm your friend steve from work

let's work in a fucking mental hospital okay and then he said ugly lesbian couples come marching in here's my friend steve orger howdy everybody howdy oh wait okay hang on this is the story that you said yes this is the lesbian birthday party yes all right yes this is the story all right it's all fact it's all fact no fiction and then and then after all these fat ugly lesbian couples i never realized there were that many fat ugly lesbian couples in this area realized there were that many fat ugly lesbian couples in this area, but apparently there are I mean I don't give a fuck, it doesn't matter to me, it's their private life, you know

I don't give a fuck about their private life and so and then the birthday girl walks in with this big banners, like in the beauty pageant where there's big banners and like birthday girl some shit said birthday heifer is what it should have said because that's what you look like, this big, fat fucking heifer. And then the husband says,

there's Tony Vargas of the gangster colonies. And they're all sitting around, you know, like, sitting around in sort of like a romper room. You remember romper room? Yes, I do. Yeah. Okay, we're in the same generation. Good.

And I start doing my turn. They're laughing and laughing. About ten minutes into my set set somebody caps me on the shoulder here's the surprise birthday girl and I said two over the edge and she said I'm over the edge

and then her the husband pointed at me pointed right at me said you leave now and I said can I have another beer he said yeah or she said yeah

so I grabbed another bottle of beer and I left and you know and I got paid I didn't get that dinner I was supposed to get but i got i got my bottle of beer and i left and but then the next day the the asshole fucking husband goes

online and trashes me to shit for doing exactly what i told him i was going to do but the husband wanted to save face with the with his wife there's her wife or whatever the fuck pronoun you use with the wife because she was pissed off so So trying to save face with the wife, trashed me to shit for doing exactly what I told her that's what I was going to do. And that's a real asshole cocksucker move on my part. I've seen that a lot, Tony. And I'll be honest, your style of humor

is probably not my go-to, but you're still right. I remember that happened to Sean Rouse. He drove all the way uh from la to uh indiana to do a show and they fired him after the first night for doing exactly what he does it was on his cd so they had actually heard the joke yeah yeah that's a real cocksucker move it really is yeah no it's happened to me it's uh like you know what you're booking yeah you still get paid i mean i've been fired at the beginning of a week and uh and i got paid then then i'm i don't have to work the rest of the week but i get the money so yeah it gives you new material it can give you new

material too that's it or a benefit yeah do you have any material from your real life or is it all just jokes uh Yeah, I do. I do. I do. My film Marriage. I do some material about my film Marriage, which I should have done at your show, actually, because you probably would have liked it. I have a lot of material about my film Marriage, yeah.

Yeah, that's a potpourri of new material. I always tell people that if I want new material, I'm going to go out and get married again, go through another divorce thing, write new material, you know? Yeah, that's the way to do it. new material. I'm going to go and get married again, go through another divorce thing, write new material. That's the way to do it. And yeah, I married Hitler's daughter. It wasn't fun. And yeah,

you know, I had a neurodiversity. Was your marriage and your comedy career, did they overlap at all? Did your wife ever have to sit through your show? No, no. Oh, she had no fucking sense of humor at all.

I mean, Nazis don't have a sense of humor. They really don't. Fascists do not have a sense of humor. I learned that firsthand. They just don't. They're just the most sociopathic fucking asshole on the planet. They really are. And I guess that explains why her brother and her father are neo-Nazi

fucking assholes, for real. Now, you just turned 67 in March? Yes. So, in seven years of comedy, I assume you've been single the whole time. Yes. Have you ever met any ladies

after the show? I mean, I've had a couple of girlfriends since the divorce. You know, I've had several girlfriends. Did you meet any of them through stand-up comedy? No. No, I mean, I met... Did you lose any of them after they saw your stand-up comedy? It's funny you should say that.

No, I didn't actually. My last six-year-old friend actually likes my stand-up, believe it or not. Can you imagine there's a woman out there who actually likes my stand-up? Can you believe it? But, you know, it's online dating bullshit, you know, like match.com, you know, such vile bullshit. And you meet these fucking train wrecks. You spend all this money to meet these fucking train wrecks. You know, there must be a way to meet train wrecks for free.

train wrecks. You spend all this money to meet these fucking train wrecks. There must be a way to meet train wrecks for free. I figure, you know, I had to go to a mental hospital, sit outside a ladies room, and I'll bet you I can meet train wrecks for free without putting all that money away. But Match.com, you know, I met some old skank on there, and under my real name, of course.

I was going to ask if you have any of those dating apps where you're Tony Viagra rather than your real name. No, I haven't. You should get at least one dating app that is just dating apps where you're Tony Viagra rather than your real name. No, no, I'm done with dating apps. You should get one, at least one dating app that is just,

just like explore your entire Tony Viagra character and make up a past for him, make up what he does and see if you, see if real, you can get more fucking swipes than your character or vice versa well uh so i met this whole skank on uh i guess with match.com and we started communicating it and then i guess you know how you know all these apps are like interwoven they steal all your privacy and all this other shit and so on facebook she got her Facebook, we're communicating and she gets this friend recommendation on Facebook for

Tony Viagra. I didn't catch the end of that. We're communicating, we're emailing and all this other bullshit and she got her friend recommendation on Facebook for Tony Viagra.

Oh, okay. I see. I told this old bitch that I am a stand-up comedian recommendation on Facebook for Tony Viagra. Oh, okay. I see. And then she said to me, I told this old bitch that I am a stand-up comedian, but that's where I stopped. I said, I'm a stand-up comedian who's done a comedy, blah, blah, blah. And she said, are you Tony Viagra? I said, that's me. I told you I'd do stand-up. And then that ended in a boom.

That was over? Yeah, like a safe moment with my fucking head or something. I don't know. It was over. I, like a safe on my fucking head or something. I don't know. It was over. I thought, well, good. I don't know that sort of fucker. I don't want to be wasting my time with this.

I'm the most guy who can't appreciate my art. I'm an artist. I'm a performer. Did you mention that you're a disabled vet as a final last Hail Mary? I don't think i did you know i usually don't mention that too much let me tell you i have to use that crutch you tell me that in every email i i went back i went through and i counted it was like over 70 email exchanges with me and that's with a year off of tony viagra yeah over 70 But that was mostly us fucking with him. We'd CC

him into emails between me and Chaley and Hennigan and say, I'm very concerned that he's called the gangster of comedy. We're going to have to install metal detectors and extra arm security. We would have to pay for the extra security, which made it cost prohibitive.

And Tony's reply, oh, you can just call me Tony Viagra. You don't have to pay for the extra security which made it like cost and tony's reply oh you could just call me tony viagra you don't have to say gangster there will be problems i promise and i said well i'm afraid he calls himself over an over the edge comedian you think you could dial it back to just simply pushing the envelope, Canadian? I wish I had a fucking drink here, too. So at some point, we go, all right, we've fucked with him enough.

We have to let him do time. And then I bet you you couldn't spend a year without emailing me. And if you could, I'd put you on the podcast. And here I am, fucking paying my debts. I did email him back.

He said, it's been over a year. I've got all my shots and ready to come. And then I ignored him. And, of course, he sends it three more times over the next month. And then I said, we're going for a different demographic with our podcast. And he writes back, Doug, that seems somewhat disingenuous. And I wrote back, yeah, in hindsight, you're right. Well, hey, Tony, I got to tell you, last night,

Doug called me at about midnight and suggested doing this at midnight last night and giving you that window about five minutes before he fell asleep. And I go, isn't that also disingenuous? Waterline malicious. Better help. Help me now.

You know, mental illness is insidious in the forms it can take on. Maybe you're hyper aware of your mortality and think you're a lot funnier than maybe the crowd. Maybe you dress up in goofy clothes and bark swear words as though you have some kind of Tourette's that you wrote in a notebook. Either way, no matter how bad your day is, BetterHelp.com can make it better. They can make you a better person. BetterHelp.com is affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere. Connect in a safe and private online environment,

and it's so convenient. Do it at your own time and at your own pace. Communicate with your therapist as often as you want and wherever you feel it's needed. Help is available at your time and your place. BetterHelp is not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist, and you're allowed to connect with them in a safe and private online environment. Anything you share is confidential. You can start communicating in under 48 hours. Counseling doesn't have to be expensive and

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mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, help, get me out of this show, betterhelp.com slash Stan Hope. Thank you, BetterHelp. I'll be calling shortly. Do you still come out to the N-word riddled gangster rap that you were playing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's my intro music.

What's it? Feels Good to Be a Gangster? It's by the Ghetto Boys. Ghetto Boys. It feels good to be a gangster. But there boys ghetto boys now it feels good to be a gangster but there is there is a clean version of that song that is available you know they don't have to use the uh oh i'm not i only brought bring this up because i thought that was you know part of your gimmick to walk out in your fucking suit and bow tie and hat and glasses but i when we when

we started this Zoom before we figured out the technical difficulties, it sounds like you were listening to rap music in the car. Yeah. You listen to rap music? I listen a lot of hip hop. Yeah, I love every type of music. I do, but I do love hip hop.

Yes, I do. It's one type that I love. Yeah, one of my friends, actually, one of my friends, she was friends with DMmx all right i don't know like there were there were references in your act that i didn't get and if you think you feel stupid on any given day when tony viagra is dropping fucking cardi b references and you're like oh yeah i don't oh yeah cardi b yeah i love cardi b oh yeah i love her bodak yellow that's my, yeah. I love her. Bodak Yellow. That's my favorite song.

Yeah. I love her. I know none of that shit. Yeah. I love every type of music. I love every type of music. You know, I listen to every type of music, whatever mood I'm in. But I really enjoy all music.

I don't limit myself. I'm not a music snob, you know. I listen to everything. I love classic country. I love classic country. I love classic country. I love classical. You're like a real-life Neil Hamburger. We're getting close to wrapping up.

I did want to ask you about that whole running for president thing. Yeah. Yeah, well, I ran for president in 20 as the dada party candidate you know dadaism that french school philosophy i only know it because it's a frequent crossword puzzle answer dada uh you know dadaism you know it's the french school philosophy to find the answer through nonsense and bullshit, you know. So that's my school philosophy. Did you actually register to run? No. Actually, it started out, I do this.

I was on this Facebook video show from some comedy club called The Couch. They had this show on called The Couch of Sadfire. And they asked me to be on because my character is so fucking ridiculous. And I come up with ideas, ideas you know to make it interesting one of my ideas i said i'm going to announce i'm running for president and uh you know because it's you know there's nothing more ridiculous than politics and i came and i discussed my platform and all this other bullshit and then i uh i had the bumper stickers manufacturer i think think I gave you a Tony Bagger bumper sticker when you were in Harrisburg. I think I recall giving you one. I gave it to Shaley to give to you, I think.

And I hope it's on your car yet. And then to make it more absurd. It did go immediately onto the car because it was a rental. I hope you feel the wrong way. You got on your airplane to go home. And then I would make it more absurd. Then I came on another show and I introduced my running mate. I do several characters.

I mean, Tony's my main character, but another character I do is Rusty Floorboard, the comedy cowboy. So I just did my running mate, Rusty Floorboard, and I went out, quick ran out and dressed, changed into Rusty Floorboard, came back and discussed why I'm running with Tony Viagra and all this other bullshit. And I'll send you some. I did a character of comedian Bob Hopeless entertaining entertaining the troops over Pyongyang, North Korea. I'm going to send you that video, see if you like it. I also did a video of Frank Perdue for Perdue Farmer in Purchasing. I got good feedback on that video.

I'm going to send them both to you when I get home. I have a feeling I'm going to get sent a lot of things from the Viagra camp over next. Not really. If you don't want them, I won't send them. If you want to see the Viagra camp over the next. Not really. If you don't want them, I won't send them. If you want to see them. Sure. Just yes.

Yeah. I'll send them. There's two videos I'll send you. I'll send you two videos. Convenient Bob Hopeless and Frank Perdue for Perdue Farmer Percocet. Yeah. You know what? Do that because I've been toying with the edibles a lot more lately.

And yeah, I could see being really high and watching Tony Viagra. Yeah. do that because I've been toying with the edibles a lot more lately. And, uh, yeah, I could see being really high and watching Tony Viagra. Yeah. And I have a bunch of other, like I did a, I have a bunch of new Tony Viagra videos.

I can send you, I gotta, cause I was on this, uh, let's start with the two. Okay. I'll start with two and I'll stop it after two. If you want more, just say Tony more.

Yeah. Yeah. When I reach out is that's when you send the videos. Let me make the first move. In the next millennium, right? Yeah, I'll send you those two. You know what? I love that you enjoy yourself so much.

I love that you enjoy yourself so much. I envy the fact that you, in your golden years, are still enjoying yourself so much doing stand-up comedy, we'll call it. Stand-up is my passion. It's my passion. I love it. It keeps me young. It keeps me young. That and doing my yoga every day and going to the gym every day, all the three keep me young.

Wow. I'm a yoga freak. What did you, what, how exactly did you hurt your leg in the air force? Marching, marching and running extensive, extensive marching and running extensive marching and running. Yeah.

I think every time someone drops the disabled veteran card, they should give you a disclaimer of exactly how you were disabled. Like, well, I don't agree with that. I slipped on a banana peel, chasing a hooker at Mardi Gras. I don't agree with that. I slipped on a banana peel chasing a hooker at Mardi Gras. I don't agree with that. I mean, there's many ways.

It wasn't my decision. I wanted to remain in the Air Force. I had to get transfusions before they were testing blood for AIDS. I'm not saying you had a good time or it wasn't warranted, but when you say disabled vet, you immediately think Tom Cruise

and Born on the Fourth of July. Guy with no legs coming back and fucking IED over in fucking Turdekistan or something. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Doug. I'm very sorry to disappoint you on that. I broke my leg. I'm sorry for where I broke my leg.

Oh, no, you didn't disappoint. That is exactly what I was thinking. We had that disabled vet that lived up the street that was haunting me forever about helping a disabled veteran move. And we rallied a bunch of troops. It turned out great. That's how we met Chad Shank is he was one of the people that volunteered to help this guy move. And his disability was some hearing loss. He was in in perfect shape. He was like 33 years old.

And he had a bit of hearing loss from the fucking being on the bombing grounds or whatever. Yeah. Everyone else that showed up to help him was more disabled than him. Oh, it happens. You know, it's, you know, and anybody that, you know, takes that step forward and takes that oath to die for their country is in a special status. And things happen and no control over, you know takes that step forward and takes that off the knife for their countries in a special status and things happen and no control over you know and um abe lincoln was the one that decided that uh disabled veterans get injured military should be compensated abe lincoln started that and actually uh veterans have a very long history getting over especially disabled veterans have very long history getting over by the government which is i'm sure that's no

great revelation to you they don't tell you that at the recruiter's office? no they don't, that should be a required disclaimer no they don't, they tell you how fantastic it is that misnomer that I

signed up to protect your freedom no you signed up for free community college afterwards. I signed up to get out of that red hole fucking shit old town I was in. That's why I said I'd get the fuck out of this fucked up state. Get a new life. We were at risk of speaking Urdu if it weren't for our frontline fucking... Yeah. and yeah so are you gonna run again in 2024 oh definitely oh positively i'm gonna get i'm gonna

get new bumper stickers made shortly and i'm gonna send you one when i get them i you know what i do since no one's gonna notice anyway you should run for president in 2022. Every year, run every year. Every year except for election years. 2023 and 25. I'll gum up the works. Yeah. Listen, I was going to run in 2024, but at my age, let's go 2022.

Let's get a jump on it. Yeah, you know, of course, talking about COVID-19, I'm sure you've heard of COVID-19. Great headline. I'm sure you've heard of COVID-19. You know, I'm trying to get COVID-19. You know, I really am. I'm trying to get COVID-19.

I really am. Because at my age, I'll take anything that's 19. Yeah. Yep. That's classic Tony Viagra. God, there's one i laughed at too you keep writing i can't remember what it was oh tell me that one i don't know which one that is forget what it was sorry hey you know no people are worried there's going to be an insurrection and i'm worried and i'm going to have an erection. And, you know, I'm at the point in my life. Go ahead.

You give me the fucking setup and I can guess the punchline. You said insurrection. I know it's an erection joke. Like, give me the setup and I'll tell you what the punchline is going to be. I'm at the point in my life where the only thing that gets hard are my arteries. All right. You didn't give me a chance to guess the punchline. That's what I'm saying. You give me a Tony Viagra setup and I'll probably be able to guess the punchline. That's what I'm saying. You give me a Tony Viagra setup, and I'll probably be able to guess the punchline.

Yeah. You know, it's important you know, I had a near-death experience. A near-death experience? My marriage. Yeah. So you're not letting me guess the punchline. You have to stop before the punchline. Okay.

Okay. Here's another one. Here's another one. I lost 200 pounds of cellulite. You got a divorce. Right. You got it. We got a winner. We got a winner. Here's another one. I lost 200 pounds of cellulite. You got a divorce. Right. You got it. We got a winner.

We got a winner. Give him that suitcase. That Samsonite suitcase. The one with the load of weed. And then, you know, I was looking for my soulmate. Go ahead. I went with a soulmate. Oh, you got a cellmate instead of a soulmate.

Yeah. All right. I went with a woman who was stable. Did you hear it? Tracy's guessing that not a woman in a stable. Close, but not exact. She belongs in a stable. I get it right.

It's a fun game. Yes, it is. You know, I had a trophy bride, and I wish she was on the wall. The face did sell that one. Yes, the face did sell that one. a trophy bride and I wish she was on the wall. Go ahead. Yes, the face did sell that one. Next to the trophy moose. I thought you were going to go with third place

trophy. We'll be proud of you. Actually, wait, that's one of my jokes. It's about Jake LaMotta and he had a trophy wife, but she's still 60, so it's about jake lamotta and his he had a trophy wife but she's still 60 so it's more like a bowling trophy what a great movie though great fucking movie the raging bull great movie jake lamotta stand up he did stand up jake lamotta yes he did yeah yeah

and he he didn't remember that he was doing it while he was doing it towards the end. Yeah. Yeah. What a great story. It's a true story. And I know somebody that like their, their aunt or their uncle lived like next door to Jake LaMotta's house in New York.

When, when Jake was older, live right next to him. You see what a nice guy he was. He was probably like punch drunk, but he's a nice guy. Oh yeah. No,

he was completely out of it yeah yeah yeah he used to play poker in this very room that we're in and uh yeah his well yeah he was our neighbor he had a house in bisbee and uh they'd bring him over and a lot of times they'd have to look at his cards and go champ you can't even beat what's on the board stop betting you had no i was thinking of boxers you know i uh uh i interviewed muhammad ali uh back in the fall of uh 1972 before his bob foster fight i was about to enter when you said in the fall of i was going to say saigon and I was actually that's actually before the fall of Saigon 1972. It is that was 75. Yeah Did you interview him at the draft board?

No I interviewed him at his training camp in Beer Lake, Pennsylvania. When you say interview did you meet Pester him? Hey can I spar with you? No that's a good idea I was in college at the time and uh working at the college radio station i had a this brainstorm to go through with my my cassette recorder and

walk in and say i'm from this bullshit radio station can i interview muhammad ali and i didn't he said yeah sure sit there we'll wait there and we'll call you in so i waited a long time and the open doors that come on in and there's all these sitting on his phone and uh i was 18 years old i was kind of a little intimidated at the time but i did the interview and it was fun and i also got to interview drew budini brown remember him all these uh motivator and sight man and also remember budini brown he's in the movie nowft? No. I got to interview Budini Brown. Do you still have a copy of that interview?

Yes, I do. I have a cassette tape at home. I know it's at home somewhere. I have to find it, but I do have the cassette tape. Yeah, you got to get that shit digitized. I agree. I agree. 1972, let's see, that was like 40 40 almost 50 years ago like 49 years ago yeah when's the last time you played that tape uh it's been probably 10 years ago yeah i would get that to

a professional don't try to put it in your i bet you still have a cassette player uh don't try to play it to a professional so it doesn't get eaten by your fucking 8-track player. I know. I had an 8-track player. I actually did have an 8-track player when I was in high school. The sound was great on my 8-track. I used to listen to Hendrix's Electric Ladyland 8-track all the time, and the sound was fantastic.

It was really good. I love that album. It's a double album, Electric Ladyland. Great album. It was a great album. It's a double album, Electric Ladyland. Great album. It was a great album. Listen, we could go all day and I'm absolutely certain of that. We could do a Jerry Lewis telethon. We could go to breakfast

and we could get Tony started on a we could get Tony started on any topic. We'll be in a wheelchair. Who's that going to be in a wheelchair? Hey, remember when National Lampoon had that full-page picture of Jerry Lewis in a wheelchair? Remember that?

When we used to read National Lampoon? I remember National Lampoon. I don't remember that, but National Lampoon was definitely a huge early influence to me. Oh, me too. Me too. Remember the National Lampoon Radio Hour? Remember that show? No, I knew it existed, but I didn't listen to it. I, me too. Me too. Remember the National Lampoon Radio Hour? Remember that show?

No, I knew it existed, but I didn't listen to it. We could barely get Dr. Demento on our transistor. I remember him. But the funny part about the National Lampoon Radio Hour is the radio hour was only half an hour. So they go up at half

an hour. Everybody called the radio station. Fuck it. Raised it home. Complained to the radio station. Come on. Say, look, these guys are full of it. It's just only half an hour. Everybody called the radio station. Fucking raised a whole complaint. And the radio station come up and say, look, these guys are fooling. It's just half an hour. Stop calling. Can't do that all the time. And those National Lampoon albums. Did you listen to any of those National Lampoon albums?

They were great. No, just the magazine. The letters from the editor. Yeah. How about Bernie and My Meter's Running? Remember this column burning my meter's running no i you remember a lot more than i do yeah i remember like an elephant i have a face like one too and and but he used to talk about bernie detection like you talk about when he

fucked jack yonas pure genius pure comic genius there was one letter to the editor that said, Dear Editor, in whatever, 1980, 70, whatever, James Huberty went into a McDonald's and killed 17 people with an automatic rifle. What I want to know is that number subtracted from the total of billions served? Yeah. Yeah. That reminds me of some material I do about, uh, about we live in a racist society.

That's some new material you haven't heard yet that we live in a racist society. And I got the evidence to prove it. I don't care. You want to hear it? Oh, I thought that was the punchline. You know, that's not it. I don't care. You want to hear it? You want to hear it? Oh, I thought that was the punchline. That's not it.

No, that's the opener. It's one of the story type. Go ahead. I got the evidence to prove it. My first premise is each year blacks spend millions of dollars at McDonald's. That's exhibit A. Exhibit B is, in return, McDonald's gives them high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, and a white clown, Ronald McDonald. Yeah, Ronald McDonald. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way. And he's the king of philanthropy. You know, the Ronald McDonald House for the Sick Kids

presented more noble cause than that. So that leaves the question, will there ever be a black Ronald McDonald? Well, who the fuck knows? But maybe, just maybe, if the economy tanks and McDonald's profit tanks, the corporate board might panic and decide that a black Ronald McDonald will jumpstart sales. So does that mean there'll be a black Ronald McDonald? Fuck no. You know, and I know that you know that I know there'll be a black Ronald McDonald? Fuck no! You know, and I know, that you

know, that I know, there'll be Ronaldo McNack! Ronaldo McNack! And how does that go over? Ah, it's gone over very well at times, and other times, I thought it was going to happen in Alzheimer's unit. So, it varies, you know, it depends if I'm in front of my crowd

or not. You know, my crowd. Your crowd is my crowd, Doug. That's not. My crowd. Your crowd is my crowd, Doug. That's one thing I learned. Your crowd is my crowd. I think many people in my crowd would take umbrage to that. After that show, how many people in the crowd came up to you to complain about me? I want to know. No one, because that was the night Shane Gillis was there,

and we had to immediately podcast after the show. With Olivia Grace. Olivia Grace. Yeah, Olivia Grace. And then we had the Shane Gillis podcasts right there in the green room. So, yeah, I didn't really meet that crowd much. But if anyone was complaining about you, Tony, it was on the way home in the car. Many people came up after the show and told me how funny I was.

It was surreal. I was really high from that. That's great. Yeah, it was great. I was like high for like three days after that. It was such a story I mean that was definitely the high point of my comedy career by far by far

I told you I don't like comedy career right I as much as I'm irritated by it sometimes I still admire your tenacity and the joy that you get out of doing what you do and you know what fuck them if they don't like it.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. If it's making you that happy, then that makes me happy. Yeah. But the bottom line is when I get in front of my crowd, it's great. And it's such a high. I'm in front of my crowd.

In fact, I'm going to be headlining at a show Thursday night in Emmaus, Pennsylvania at King Coffee. I'm the headliner because they had the headline last year and they like my crazy shit so much. They're bringing me back. Well, Chaley, is this going out on Wednesday? Oh, yeah. All right. So, yeah, this will be out the day before your show. Where again is it?

It's in Emmaus, Pennsylvania, which is near Allentown at King Coffee in Emmaus, Pennsylvania. They're having a show there, which is going to include some music and comedy, and I'm the headlining comedian. And I bet that's a pretty reasonable entry fee on that. It is. It's very reasonable. Yes, it is. It's a blue collar type fee. Yes. Not a country club fee, a blue collar. How much is it to get into that show? I don't know. I know it's cheap. I don't have the exact, I don't recall the exact, but I remember when I looked at the poster that it was very reasonable. All right. It's very reasonable. Very reasonable. Come see somebody. Come see somebody who's very unreasonable.

Oh, and you said it's a coffee house, so does that mean people should sneak in their own booze? Fuck yeah, and their own weed. Because weed's not illegal in Pennsylvania. Recreational weed is not legal in this shithole dump state yet. So bring your own fucking weed, too. Yeah, I think people would probably know about the weed thing, but

if they hear a comedy show, they probably expect cocktails. So bring your own cocktails. Get your sneaky flask. Get your booze suit on. Tony, it was a pleasure, and I look forward to seeing Bob Hopeless and the rest of the board. Frank Perdue for Perdue Foreman.

Okay, Frank Perdue and Lance Boyle and all of your plethora of characters. Yeah, I got a whole shitload of characters. Yeah, I'm always coming up with new ones all the time. Thanks, Doug. It's great being on your podcast. Always great working with you, Doug, and great seeing you and Shaylee and Tracy. It's always great to see you great people.

Yeah, I hope you've had the air conditioning on in that hot car, because at your age, you're like a fucking Basset Hound waiting for its owner at a fucking sitting in a hot car at the parking lot. This truck has fantastic air conditioning. This truck is

awesome. All right. It's good. Go fucking crank up your fucking hip hop and put the fucking pedal to the metal. And Doug, figure out when you're going to let me open for you, then you can let me know. We're going to put a team together on that right after

this podcast is over. We're going directly to the strategy room. We're late for our meeting. Strategic planning room. Let's look at this. This group came back. Tony Viagra here's the results all right toady uh drive safely and uh what number podcast will this be what number podcast well you can say it into the

mic chaley well 451 451 yeah like 451 great okay that's why you burn the books 451 great1 451 great okay I'll put the word out yeah that's why you burn the books 451 great I'll put the word out thanks Doug I had a blast

it's always great hanging out with you folks alright we love you Tony we love you too thank you so much bye Tracy bye Shaley

take care see ya take us out Bingo okay bye bye now Take us out, Bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.