The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#452: The Kids Lean Into The Skid

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

Chad is back in the FunHouse, the kids are medicated and another car is up for bid. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded June 29th, 2021 in the FunHouse with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Vodka JuiceBox (@vodkajuicebox), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Mack Weldon - For 20% off your first order, visit MACKWELDON.com/stanhope and enter promo code stanhope. Credit Karma - Visit CreditKarma.com/winmoney to open a FREE account and start winning Instant Karma. It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Need MORE Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - TraceySupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Mack Weldon. Dive into summer with Mack Weldon. They're reinventing men's basics with everything you need to have the best summer of your life. Mack Weldon swimwear, Vesper polo, Maverick tech chino shorts, and radius shorts are all designed to keep you comfortable, cool, and active this summer. Feel good and ramp up your casual summer style with Mack Weldon. For 20% off your first order, visit Mackackweldon.com slash Stanhope and enter promo code Stanhope. Credit Karma. Who doesn't want instant gratification? If you're looking for satisfaction, there's no need to wait. With Credit Karma money, you can win cash

reimbursements for debit purchases. Right now, visit creditkarma.com slash winmoney to open your free account and start winning instant karma. That's CreditKarma.com slash winmoney. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I missed you, Chad Shank. I missed you all. It seems like it's been a you, Chad Shank. I missed you all. It seems like it's been a long, long time. Fucking Raider, can I even talk

about, it's like almost 30 days without a drink. I'm not saying he's sober because that's not what he's going for. He's going for healthy. Like when I did, I called it rehab 30 days in the hole. It's not rehab.

I'm not quitting. Taking a break. And yeah, Raider, he doesn't seem any different ever. He doesn't seem like... Fury just commented that he seemed weirder. I don't remember what he said. More aware.

He doesn't use crosswords anymore either. It's weird. He's glancing furtively around. He's definitely self-conscious, and he's in the room. Oh, this will help. I'm a little bit pretty high. I took an edible, and you, did you guys smoke out of that thing? No, no.

It's not a full, it needs a couple of pieces to be functional. Like a reed? Yeah. Someone sent him a bong that looks like a woodwind instrument. An oboe, a clear glass oboe? Yes. Yeah, I don't even think it, I won't fit on my motorcycle for sure, but I'm not sure it'll fit in my car. Well, in Arizona, if you dress around it like it's some kind of automatic weapon

and put it on a bandolier, they won't fuck with you. But a bong. So who's the thank you? Let's just blast them out because I'll forget, and I always hate when I forget to say thank yous. Yeah, the giant bong was. The water pipe. Is that what you're talking about?

The tobacco water pipe? No, it's fucking legal. Oh, it's legal here. Sorry. I think it just said Richard Queso. So thanks, Dick Cheese. We get it. Richard Queso. Dick Cheese. We get it. Richard

Caso. I almost didn't open this. I was going to give it directly to Bree. Bree, Derek's ex, had a showing called Abandoned Art.

She had an art project and had a showing and said, would you tweet this for me? So I get this giant box sharpied Abandoned Art on it. And I'm like, I don't fucking want Abandoned Art. That was a friend that I retweeted a thing

so she could... So Bingo went, I'll take it. We can put it up in my Airbnb And This is a fucking really cool picture He made I don't know

You've only shown me one picture But it's a picture of me and Bingo It's a really fucking cool picture I'm like I didn't I just thought he was some guy Went to a thrift store Like a painting?

Yeah like an ink drawing I have a mic right there if you want to use it. There's a bingo? I'll do it. That mic's... Yeah, but talk on the mic. What else was in the package? Still a lot of things.

All right. Still that mic just sits there. I'm very high. Bingo is like... Let's say off her meds or on another. We'll just pump the level up a little bit. Maybe we'll get a little. There you go.

Fucking look at that. Look at that. That's cool as shit. Oh, that is very cool. What's the found art? You found it on your doorstep? No, abandoned. Abandoned art.

Like she found shit like at thrift stores and stuff like that. Like the frame, or like they painted over it. Yeah, fucking dogs playing poker, but I did it as a paint-by-number. My grandma fucking was glad I died young. So she could put that in a thrift store and stop saying, oh, you really have a unique eye.

Yeah, so that was from, I'm going to say, Albert Shivers. You know what? I can't complain because my fucking signature, you can see a D in my autograph. I would call it exactly what you did. Yeah. But anyway, yeah, we get the point.

And Albert sounds more likely. Like a name? Yeah. Where have you been, Chad Shank? My house. Not doing nothing. I did have something cool happen to me recently that kind of proves the squeaky wheel gets the grease, even if you don't mean to. I bought a tent for, I'm going elk hunting in September.

Hang on. Let me back up on this story as though we'd done like prep work for a late night TV show. Yeah. So, Chad Shank, welcome back. I heard you like elk hunting. Well, that wasn't where I was going with the story, Stan Hope. No, you segway from there because, you know, we have so many sponsors and tied. I had to buy a tent for elk hunting a couple months ago.

And it said, when I bought it, it was a good deal because I think it was like $4.50 for this canvas tent. And then they marked it down to like $2.99. And then they gave me a military discount. So I got it for $285. I'm like, that's a smoking deal for a $450 tent. They said, it won't be here till July. And I said, I don't need it till September. That's fine. A couple of months go by and now I'm planning a motorcycle trip to Texas in August. And I'm like, well, I want my, make sure I have my tent so I can stay in my tent you know on the way there so I emailed them and I was like hey is there any update on this shipment of this thing we're really sorry sir we thank you for

being so patient it won't be here till July here's 50% off your order alright I'll take that. So that's a good thing that happened to me recently. God, we should have had you out there selling cars. Hey, did you ever get your microphone that you told me to buy? No, they refunded me my $6.99 or whatever it was. We bought these microphones. Chad found it, and then he told me, and I go, I'll gamble $6 on getting $ whatever it was. We bought these microphones. Chad found it and he told me and I go,

I'll gamble $6 on getting like $200 worth of stuff. It turns out we're just getting a refund. We waited. That took a long time for them to say. Four months for the tracking. It'll be there in March. They ordered it in December. That didn't work.

Sorry, I looked at the camera. I saw her taking a candid photograph and I turned around and smiled for it it's gonna be a good night I really feel it we have a live audience though you couldn't tell maybe if I turn up some funny

but yeah we have folks here five but they're folks turn up some funny, but yeah, we have folks here. What? Five. But they're folks. The podcast, sorry we were 45 minutes late, but I'm trying to sell this car I bought at a police auction that I don't ever use, and then we had to deal with the guy that showed up to look at the car, and I'm'm high and i didn't want to deal with

it you just put it up this morning though right this afternoon yeah i learned how to do fucking craigslist all by myself but i'm not putting out my goddamn phone number yeah like everyone knows my address but i'm not putting my phone number so then i'm having to sit and refresh hotmail all goddamn day which which probably made me look like an easy mark. If he still has Hotmail, he doesn't know what anything's worth. And you know what? By the way, while you're sitting there, if you get bored,

fucking some smart fuck, one of you guys said, do you know the Blue Book value? I don't know. I know what I paid for it. I'm charging 50 bucks more. It's a fucking strong piece of shit. Have you ever driven that, Chad? I didn't even know you had it until today.

Really? Yeah. It's at the end of the line of in-play cars. The only reason I ever fucking use it is because the battery will die after several weeks of not using the fucking thing. Like, sometimes, I don't know. I assume it's at someone else's house, and I go, it could have been stolen. I don't know if Bingo used it, or it's not up front. Is it down there?

It's a good grocery getter. Mm-hmm. A nice single parent could pack six or eight children in there oh my god it really is beautiful to drive and like i am not haggling i told the guy i will only haggle up if you try to hagg and I won't go lower. Oh, you say you will pay $9.75? That's still haggling. Now it's $1,000. That didn't make sense.

No. But I had it figured out earlier. Because what I wanted to do, because there's 10 of us, we have five in the audience and five on the mics eventually. Because there's ten of us. We have five in the audience and five on the mics, eventually. A vodka juice box is here. And they just got back from the premiere of Tarek's appearance in Clown Motel 2. And they just went to the red carpet opening.

Grand review of. And then hijinks ensued. That's coming up. Nice tease. Yeah. So I thought what we should do is Chinese telephone this, where all 10 of us stand in a line where Bingo or Tarek, whoever's at the front, when he makes an offer,

whispers it into the ear of the next person and down to me at the very end. And I go, did you say turkey turkey gravy i'm not trading it for this and then i whisper back and it goes back to him and see how long he would tolerate that i'm glad we didn't do that i think that guy i think we'd still be out there that guy would have tolerated that a long time yeah well i tweeted the fucking thing i tweeted hey buy my piece of shit car with a link just because i'm so proud of myself for coming up with it i did craigslist by myself that's a fucking huge accomplishment uh so uh i was so proud that i tweeted the link and then i'm getting the bullshit emails like, hey, I'm coming from Boston to get it.

I'm going to take an Uber and then a train and then a taxi. And I go, it would be quicker to just fly to Mexico and then jump the border. But I go, I got to take that down because I'm just going to get fucking nonsense people. So, yeah, no, when this phone rings, that might be him. He said, I might have, well, actually I might not have sold the car. Tark and Bingo.

Charcoal died. And seeing inside themselves as much as they are the ones. I have fucking Fury here. I got British Jonathan. I got Chaley. I got Chad Shank.

We got fucking Leo the straggler. Like all way better suited to go out and sell a fucking used fucking Rico act abandoned auction car. But no. No. Bingo goes out. Tariq is in with purple hair Arab and a fucking like an Indian

print. I'd say this is definitely like some It's a New Mexico kind of print. It's like hip but not. Some lady is really missing that glow. Yeah.

It's beautiful. And a leather lace vest and I don't know what to call those pants. Primazine. We'll call them Primazine and just make up a word. Fucking, yeah. Tight fucking rock and roller fucking hair metal pants and they go out in their states with lucy and this guy and all the diamonds and uh they go and sell this car and this guy comes in looking like a fucking mixture he's on a motorcycle too and i'm like

uh i bet this was it's not gonna be a beef with chad comes in looking like a fucking mixture. He's on a motorcycle, too. And I'm like, I bet this was not going to be a beef with Chad. I was thinking, I wonder if Chad will drag this guy out like he did that other real biker. And he's certainly not going to buy today. He drove a motorcycle out here. He's not buying a pickup truck.

He's buying a Crown Vic. He came up by himself, right? Yeah, exactly. And it's in the fucking listing. There is no key to the trunk, so he can't even put his motorcycle in the trunk. Can I get a hand lifting this smoke bike in the trunk? Has anyone looked up the Blue Book value of a 1994 Crown Vic? We tried.

Oh. Instead, I couldn't find it. Okay. All right. Dave Rader tried. Rader's always couldn't find it. Okay. All right. Dave Rader tried. Rader's always on the ball. That doesn't sound right. No, especially now that he doesn't drink.

What year? 94. 94. We talked about the thing. Oh, yeah. You and I did this. All right. Well, you and I did this means you did it.

I didn't do it. I was there and you said, do you know the VIN? And I said, no. And you went and found it off the fucking insurance card. And I still sat there. I did nothing. I had nothing to do with this. No, I know how much it costs.

I don't care about the blue book. It's 50 bucks more than what I paid for it. No agony. Who makes the Crown Vic? Ford. Is it Ford? Yeah. Fucking crossword puzzles have become a problem. Doug, do you know the mileage on this Ford? Yeah. Fucking crossword puzzles have become a problem.

Doug, do you know the mileage on this vehicle? Yeah. It was 54,590 when I bought it, and it still is 54,590 because the odometer doesn't work. So I don't know how long it didn't work beforehand. I know it never went. Zero is the key. It never went over. But I guess if it doesn't work, they could have dialed it back. I don't know. Chad Shank,

did you ever do that? You used to fix cars, but did you ever figure out how to dial back an odometer? No. I've never been dishonest in that way. I'm mean. I'm not like a crook or anything. But if you could figure out how to pick locks,

you wouldn't necessarily break into someone's house, but you'd win a bet. I remember I lost 500 bucks to fucking Becker because I lost the keys to my little fire safes, and I had five grand in each one, and then I'm like, I don't know where the keys to these are, and I bet Becker half the contents. He couldn't pick the lock and he did it

with a paper clip. Yeah, it took him a while and then it was under the time limit. It was a time limit and then I just contacted the manufacturer and got keys sent out. After he fucked up all the tumblers. No, it's still usable. Jaylee didn't get a dime for that.

Nothing for a usable safe. Yeah, no, I didn't get a dime for that. Yeah, and nothing for a usable safe. But you, yeah. It was $500. What? I got the blue book. What's the blue book? Please interrupt. Trade-in. I went on lowest and standard equipment because

I mean, door panels are missing. Oh, shit. That's a trade-in. It's going to be close, right? Ooh. What do you think the Blue Book is, Doug? $950. Exactly what I said. That's it.

You nailed it. Not even close. Private party value for that car is $2,699. For the shittiest version? Well, they don't have a shitty version condition. $2,100 to $3,699. For the shittiest version? Well, they don't have a shitty version condition. $2,100 to $3,200. Yeah. And it's private party value, $2,699 is middle of the road.

That's... You should buy it and flip it, Shaley. I understand you have a call for sale. Oh, my goodness. This happened today. Betty sold her house. But Betty, Nurse Betty from episode whatever, Chaleo looking up, she sold her house finally for a decent price.

But it gave her. She has land. But she has to be out immediately on closing. And she's like, I know you have a lot of houses. I need a place I can rent for two months. I know Bingo's Airbnb. Can I rent that for two months? Well, no.

No, not at Airbnb prices, Bingo. She was going to rent it like a house. No, yeah, at Airbnb prices, certainly. But no, even then, I go, Bingo, no. I explained to her, this is Bingo's project. When Bingo has a project, that's all it's about. And someone just moving in with dogs. She has two huge dogs. No, there's

no way. And I didn't have to be subtle. I was like, no. And the other houses are full. The one house is not my house anymore. It's J. Lee's house. And every... There's no place for you and your

daughter and two giant dogs oh that sounds mean did you say it like that there's no place for you and your daughter and your dogs but she said you are goddamn dogs unless you want to pay air baby you are my last resort i'm like what oh betty uh which no bet Betty doesn't have a last resort. Fucking Betty is a cat that has had so many lives that she pisses on the misnomer of nine. She fucking, she just. Betty was on the podcast eight years ago. Episodes eight and nine.

Yes. She's like, I think she's like, she might. Am I wrong? Am I thinking of Fred? She might be almost 80. No, I think she's like, she might, am I wrong? Am I thinking of Fred? She might be almost 80. No, I think she's like 70. Oh, wait. Yeah, that 79 is almost 80. No, I'm thinking 75, but I'm thinking about her 70th birthday we went to, right?

Don't look at me. Well, you and I went. I don't leave the compound unless I'm drunk. How do you forget and fucking party like a 75th birthday? We did it at Double P. Oh, that's right. When Margo had to be parted out of an ambulance. Yeah, so she's almost 80.

Fred's almost 80. My God. I think it was just her 70th, though. This is what we do. We surround ourselves with older people so we still feel like children. Vital. Oh. Dave or Dave. He's almost 70 I think. 70

something. Yep. Surround yourself with fucking old people and live a lie. And piece of shit cars. Yeah. Hey, none of them smoke. Weird. Hey, none of them smoke. Weird.

So if I do get the call, this guy, yeah, he looked a little Brad Pitt-ish, a little Joby-ish, and one I can't quite nail. Peter Lorre? No, no. Peter Pan? He looks like he could be an actor in Tombstone. Or in Clown Motel 2. Hey, segwaying in. Do you want to take a break?

Are we at the 20 minute mark? Not even close. 21, 22. Oh, fuck, yes. Time is different for you. Let's take a break and then get these uh these these kids to stand on their feet stop seeing your own soul see the soul of the mic please hold mac weldon kick off your summer in style with the brand that's reinventing men's basics,

Mack Weldon. Mack Weldon is so much more than just underwear. Their full collection includes T-shirts, polos, button-ups, shorts, pants, swims, and so much more. With light and breathable fabric technology, Mack Weldon keeps you cool and comfortable all summer. From work to working out, happy hour to playing with your kids, Mack Weldon has men's

essentials for whatever your day includes. Anytime you see me on stage, it's vintage on the outside, but it's Mack Weldon underneath. Every part that touches the parts that matter. From my socks to my underwear to my 18-hour Jersey Crew t-shirt, that's all lying comfortably underneath the horrifically itchy woolen or polyester outer coating. Dive into Mack Weldon's swim line with trunk and board short options that are quick to dry and have four-way stretch fabric. When you're not in the pool, Mack Weldon's new Maverick Techchino shorts and radius shorts are the perfect additions to your summer wardrobe. They'll keep you comfortable so you can confidently power through your most active days. Mack Weldon also has a free loyalty program called Weldon Blue.

Level 1 gets you free shipping for life. Once you reach Level 2 by spending $200, you get 20% off every order for the next year. Stay cool this summer and look great doing it with all new collections of men's essentials from Mack Weldon. summer and look great doing it with all new collections of men's essentials from Mack Weldon. For 20% off your first order, visit MackWeldon.com slash Stanhope and enter promo code Stanhope. That's MackWeldon.com slash Stanhope. Promo code Stanhope for 20% off. Mack Weldon, reinventing men's basics. Yeah!

I told the kids, lean into the skid. They're more afraid of a microphone than they were going out as berserkers to sell a used car. And now the microphone, the microphone is drawing you in. Can you feel it? Oh, yeah. I can feel something. You're a superstar. And you're

a gal pal seen on the arm of a superstar at a red carpet event. Oh, P.U. the Holocaust. In West Los Angeles. Yeah. See, I thought I was the superstar until people started

talking to me, but they're looking at her. And I was like, wait, this is my premiere? Well, the thing is, unless Bingo dresses eccentrically, as you all know. So she had a big fucking to-do going on. Was there really a red carpet? Yeah. So there was a red carpet, but it wasn't as organized as I thought it would be.

It wasn't like, what do you call these? It was like a red rug. A runner. A throw rug. A red runner. A red runner. It was one of those things like, should we get some popcorn? And then, you know, you're getting the popcorn.

And then, you know, there's this dude that looks like he works there. He's like, so did the red carpet start already? And he was like, yeah, the red carpet, you can. So we're like, all right, we might as well get in line. Oh, my God. This is a fucking whole bingo problem i know this because if she's excited to go to something that starts at six she wants to be there at three so so that would be antithesis to walking the red carpet where i walked it

they were laying it down we had to wait for them to unroll it we had to walk real slow and then we got in and we talked to them and then all of a sudden paparazzi's there three hours later and you're already sitting in your seats. Well, it was very interesting because when we got there there was a... I had two friends come in from out of town

to stay with me and one of them really likes to drink and is very pleasant at the beginning of that and but then you know then after that you kind of just kind of slowly distance yourself but he was there and he opened up the fucking limousine it's like hey you guys want to come in one of those hummer limousines classy so yeah it was parked right in front of the theater and uh we went in there and you know we started drinking and we knew we probably should not be in there

because we weren't the stars of this movie. But that was fun. That was fun. Wait, who were the stars that were going to get let in? Who starred in Clown Motel 2? So the star of Clown Motel 2 is also the writer of Clown Motel 2. He's also the director of Clown Motel 2 is also the writer of Clown Motel 2. He's also the director of Clown Motel 2. Is it Vin Diesel or someone we've never heard of?

I think his name is Joseph Kelly. Oh, my God. Yeah. From Clown Motel 2? From Clown Motel, yeah. I was just at the premiere. Yeah. And so we're like, this is kind of cool.

So let's wait for the most amount of people walking into the theater to get in. To get out of the home. Oh, yeah. But before we get out of the thing. That's like the stock market. You're like, am I selling at the right time? Or is it going to keep? Go ahead. So, yeah. am I selling at the right time or is it going to keep go ahead

so yeah so we're like maybe if we walk out as they're walking in they'll think we're the stars and I don't know I felt like that was a good idea and that's what we did and it kind of worked yeah dude so we rode that for a while was there any flashbulbs

not at the time not at the time no there any flashbulbs? Not at the time. Not at the time, no. There was flashbulbs in our flashbulbs. Did you get interviewed? Was like how red carpet might have been. In my mind I was like okay so you know they're gonna do the pictures and they're gonna you know do the whole video interviews uh and uh no there there were no interviews um i don't think there's a q a moving along nothing to see here was there people taking pictures at all a little bit yeah yeah yeah so they i mean they did have friends and family they sectioned that you started grading theater of the mind, and you emptied the entire theater in my mind. I didn't know what the, I was like, was anybody there at this thing?

So as you are in the red carpet line, you also, you know, they give you a piece of paper so you can write your name and your role in the movie. That's called an autograph. Yeah. I guess, yeah. Why don't you say, oh, the role, the role. Yes.

And so I was like, okay. And there's a girl that was like in front of us and she wrote like, I know she wrote credits to like five or six different movies. And so I was just like, so do you want me to write every movie I've ever been in? Which is like one other one. And it's like, he's like, no, it's just, she's a, she's a celebrity. I'm like, oh, okay, that's fine. So we wrote bingo on there.

Yeah. What movie was she in? Bingo? Bingo? She starred in several music videos as well as starred on the Doug Stanhope podcast. I wrote all those down just so you know. So, first of all, Kaylee, yes,

Brian picks them up at the airport, drives them straight up the 405. It says 11 minutes on, but it's the 405, but it's very close. Yeah, but it's the 405. But it's very close. It's West LA.

And then Brian drives back to West Hollywood. The first text I get from Bingo is her in front of the snake pit. Oh, yeah. I'm like, you're at the snake pit. That's right by Brian's house. Yeah, it is. Which they fucking spent like $90 in lifts to fucking. Like, why didn't you just stay in Brian's car?

In Brian's car. He walks to the snake pit. It's walking distance. That's down on Melrose? He drove them way far out of their way to drop them off so they could spend a fucking $90 on a Lyft to go to Brian's house. Yeah, it's a couple blocks from

Brian's apartment. He's just north of Santa Monica and that's just on Melrose. Fucking Chad has walked further than that in LA. If there's one thing I know about this group is they're very keen on communication. So that seems very odd to me.

Brian said that you guys were so much fun in the car. And he was talking up Tark. And yeah, unsolicited. It's not like, did it go okay, Brian? Oh, they were so much fun yes and Bingo

had on the most fabulous outfit with a blue hat and a white dress and a like yeah yeah she she

but yeah Brian seems very positive and it's a good thing because we need a little bit more of that in our lives no he's going

back to work he sees some dollar signs up in front I agree It's a good thing because we need a little bit more of that in our lives. No, he's going back to work. He sees some dollar signs up in front. I agree. Where was the premiere at? So the premiere was at the Landmark Theater. Fuck. I hate when he makes me wrong.

That's a chain, I believe. The Landmarks. But only the best chain The landmark. That's a chain, I believe. The landmarks. But only the best chain. Yeah. That's what I heard. You sure it's not the Fairmont? Not entirely. It was next to the Fairmont.

He trips well. Oh, the landmark is on Fairmont. He could do customer service while tripping. I'm not exactly sure on that. We don't know yet. We're waiting for the call to see if we sold the car. Anything else about the wonderful premiere? It is the Fairmont?

It's on Fairmont. Oh. All right. See how I lied to my boss? I mean, watching the movie was kind of surreal. I've never died in a movie. And it was weird because everyone started laughing before I said anything. He plays a straight character, and he's got his hair black, slip back,

so he looks straight. And no, not straight in that way way but he's playing a serious role and then everybody comes out and starts laughing at him when he gets on so there's a comedic element i'm still trying to understand but fully appreciate because it wasn't like one person started laughing and then another was like it was like everyone erupted at the same time and nothing happened. It was literally just my face. This is like Windy City Heat. I don't know why everyone's scary Perry is going, why is everyone laughing at me?

I'm doing a dramatic role. So your character, it says here, oh shit, where'd it go? Specialist Cher? Yeah. What does that mean?? Specialist Cher? Yeah. What does that mean? He argued about that. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I was sold that I was going to be part of some, like,

super, like, military force task force with a gun. So what they did is they gave me a shot with a gun, cocking a gun. And they're like, okay, we're going to take that away from you now. And then before you know it, I'm sitting in a motel room. And there are three TV screens around. Sorry, I'm picturing you cocking a gun, sitting with the butt Indian style and using two hands and then getting up. And they go, all right, not the gun.

Yeah, I mean, i would not not be surprised i know i'm like what am i what am i supposed to say uh i remember on set i was like what am i supposed to say while i'm cocking this gun and he just started saying a bunch and anyway they took all the dialogue out which is probably very telling oh we, we're going to do that with this podcast. Chad's going to do voiceover for both of you. And then there was a Hummer limo. And I was cocking a gun. Sorry.

There's a lot of fucking heads to deal with here. Yes, I mean, my experience from being on the thing was just sitting in a motel room and pretending like I was looking at a bunch of different TV screens. I was in like some, you know, comm central super intelligence military facility. But you had a name, Cher. Cher, exactly. And then you complained about it. Like, I'm not going to be named Cher. Like Cher, the same spelling as Cher. And I actually. Sonny and Cher. Cher. Exactly. And then you complained about it. Like, I'm not gonna be named Cher. Like Cher, the same spelling as Cher. And I actually...

Sonny and Cher. I actually made a suggestion. It's weird you mentioned the dead guy to make people understand what you're saying. Wait, Cher's still alive? Oh, that Cher. Sonny and Cher. Dead guy and Cher. Sorry, I'm all over the map.

So I suggested, how about Specialist Char? Wait, you're giving notes? Yeah, because his name is Cher. He didn't want to be Cher. If he was selling the car for $950, he'd go,

or if he's buying it, he'd go, how about $949? Cher? No.49? Share? No. Char? Equally stupid, but a dollar less stupid.

And it's so weird because... I'll be Cheryl. I don't give a shit. I just don't want to be Cher. Somehow in my mind at that very specific time, I was like, dude, this is the solution. Just change it to Char or Char. And, you know, I look at it now. Well, you didn't even have a fucking credit because when I went through that whole debacle, when I stayed at the Clown Motel in May and they were filming Clown Motel 8 or whatever the fuck they were filming.

And then I put it together that you were in Clown Motel 8 or whatever the fuck they were filming. And then I put it together that you were in Clown Motel. That's why you had the shirt that led to the whole go find that episode. I looked you up and I'm like, you're not on. And then you went,

I'm not on the IMDB page for that. And then you had to fight with this fucking producer. And then you ended up not only being in the credits at the premiere but as a co-producer. Yeah, good for you. That's how you get in the

Hummer limo, baby. Isn't that your hospital gown? I'm going to fucking manage Tark but only Tark. When I keep telling him, you got to go solo, man. This bingo thing isn't working out for you.

I've watched it. It's not, yeah. You're a star. We need to upload a picture. She's afar. Doug, as his manager, I'm not going to talk to him because I'm going to talk to you, Doug.

Yes. As his manager, there's no picture of Tarek on IMDb. They're working on it. Oh, they're working on it. Right? This is the button that says add or change photo.

I could add a picture. Oh, put my picture in. Yeah. Alright, I approve that. Let's play mumbly pegs for whose picture we put up. Just change it in a rotation every month oh he's got the imdb prime or whatever it's called like the behind the paywall the one that fucking michael bean has and obsesses about his fucking q rating or whatever. What? You have it? Bingo, do you have that?

No, I have a Michael Biehn story, but we'll save that for later. Yeah, save that. Let's get back to the... Listen, you haven't even come close to your good story, and I'm so high that I'm just enjoying talking to you. But let's get to after the party. Michael Biehn's story comes up first. But let's get to after the party. My Michael Biehn story

comes up first. How do you want to do this? Is it something we can air? Yeah. Oh, then tell it. Yeah. I call it... This segment is called

Michael Biehn-ing Your Hospital Gown. Oh, yes. Okay. Now, just pretend that they're listening to this on YouTube at 120 speed and go ahead. Okay. Oh, yeah. Give this a little bit like this.

Yeah, it's right there. Okay, so, Tariq, how does it start out? I'll start it out. I'll start it out. I'll start it out. I get a phone call, a panicked phone call. I almost ruined the premiere. They're right before the premiere.

They went to eat somewhere. And then all of a sudden she feels like she might be having her period. I feel something dripping down my leg as she's going into the ladies room as kids and the mother are coming out. And then she went, oh no. She sat down and... It was brawling. It was not period.

No, it wasn't period at all. I'm wearing... I've dressed up for hours, gotten ready in this hospital, mental hospital gown of mine with platform shoes, stripy socks, the whole nine yards. And then I get into, I start feeling something. Creeping down your leg. So I run to the bathroom and there's a person with children coming out of the bathroom. I already covered that part.

Okay. So yeah. So I'm thinking okay period. Now I look down and it's brown and I had ordered. She said I didn't feel anything. Am I shitting myself?

Can I just say something? Yes go ahead. I have no idea what's happening at this point. I'm enjoying a sea bass ceviche that I can barely afford. Oh, well, if it's ceviche, as we keep saying, never eat the ceviche. So we'll cut to your actual shitting your pants story in a minute. All right, and then? Anyway, I know story in a minute. All right. And then? Anyway, I know there's a problem.

I run to the bathroom. Someone's coming out with the kids. And I'm dripping down my leg. I finally look. It's not blood like I expected. And I'm wearing a white hospital gown. Yes, we've already been over this. It's brown. It's brown.

I go in there freaked out entirely that I ruined the whole premiere but it was I had had my hospital gown open a little bit and I had spilled my refried beans in my fucking vagina

and the refried beans were dripping down my leg. But they were black they were like black black leg. But they were black. They were like black. Black. I mean, they. They're black beans. And I've shit black before, okay, motherfucker? I get it.

She didn't pause. I get it. Black or brown, she doesn't. Yeah, they don't call it mauve tar heroin. Yes. You thought you shit yourself, but you had spilled black beans on your fucking splayed legs in your hospital. So is black bean and juice dripping down your leg? It didn't get on your gown?

It didn't get on your gown at all? It didn't get on my gown. It was crazy. Are you like a hobo eating, like, listen, beans out of a can? Like, naked? Beans out of a bowl. Oh, God, I'm high i'm high i'm hungry just mentioned the beans okay let's get to the story does sound good right now yes now i'll get to it i'll get to

it okay because this isn't even the story credit karma credit karma has always been there to help Credit Karma. Credit Karma has always been there to help you make better financial decisions, and now they want to help even more. With a Credit Karma money spend account, you can be rewarded for good money habits. Credit Karma money is a brand new checking account where you can win cash reimbursements for making purchases. When you use your Credit Karma money debit card, you can win daily Instant Karma purchase reimbursements on items up to $5,000. Just pay with your debit card, and if you win, you'll be notified on the spot, and your Instant Karma cash will be added back to your spend

account. Credit Karma Money has already given away over $3 million in Instant Karma to over 50,000 Credit Karma members and counting. Open your FDIC-insured spend account for free. There's an instant karma to over 50,000 Credit Karma members and counting. Open your FDIC-insured spend account for free. There's no minimum balance requirements, no overdraft fees, and free withdrawals from a network of over 50,000 ATMs. And when you make your purchase between July 1st and July 23rd, you'll be automatically entered to win $1 million. Credit Karma money progress starts here. Right now, visit creditkarma.com slash winmoney to open your free account and start winning instant karma. Go to

creditkarma.com slash winmoney to sign up for free and start winning instant karma. That's creditkarma.com slash winmoney. Instant Karma is sponsored by Credit Karma. No purchase necessary. Exclusions and terms apply. See rules. Banking services provided by MVB Bank Incorporated. Member FDIC. Maximum balance and transfer limits apply. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The story that, like, I've never been part of something like this. The night of the premiere after this

after the hummer limo after the shit in her fucking uh crazy pants right yeah yeah so you show up at a after hours party yeah that doesn't even have a name because it's that it all makes sense in retrospect yeah share that mike you know it all makes sense in retrospect. Yeah, share that mic. You know, it all makes sense in retrospect. This is why they have to edit their podcast so many times is they don't fucking just lean into a mic. Alright. Let me try. I'm going to lean into

the mic right now. I'll get another mic. Yeah, so we end up at this after party and you know, it's great. It looks awesome. There's a lot of fun looking people. There's some stripper poles. Everyone's having a great time.

What time is this? This is like what, 345 maybe? Somewhere around that time. Yeah. The wee hours is what Tracy calls them when she gets in a crossword puzzle yeah so we're like holy shit man

this is great we ended up here the fucking vibes on point and then all of a sudden well I take off because I have to go to the bathroom and talk about horoscopes with some crazy woman and so I'm doing that. And then you are.

So when I got there, I was like, okay, so I don't want to sit right next to the fucking stripper pole. Because that's where they're going to be stripping. But I didn't realize. Chlamydia flies. It's an airborne virus. So I was like, I'm going to sit in the back here. This is a nice, comfortable area. Not realizing there was a stage directly

to my right. And then all of a sudden the show started. Just cut to the part where you're dancing on a pole. So she's doing her thing and Bingo's like, I'm going to go use the bathroom.

So now I'm the guy awkwardly sitting next to a stripper while everyone else is on the other side of the bar. Just like staring. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and then bingo finally gets back and that's great. And then, um,

and then all of a sudden fucking police raid the place, right? Do you remember that part? Yeah, it turns into prohibition. Hang on. Before police raid the place, all we see is people start crowding into us and putting their hands on the wall. So we don't know what the fuck kind of twisted shit is going on here. I didn't have any drugs on me.

I had a pack of cigarettes. Put your hand up on your hip. When I dip, you dip, we dip. We know somebody in here smuggling beans, and we're going to find every last one of them. There's a trail from out on Fremont Street. Yeah, so I'm freaked out. I have a pack of cigarettes in my hand,

and I toss those off with the fucking drugs. We have nothing on us. So now we're staring. Was one of you missing a tooth? Were you driving a big furry mobile across to Aspen? It's a Dumb and Dumber reference. That's great. I was talking to the listeners.

Go ahead. So now we're staring at a wall But like you know There's a bunch of people in the lairs Staring at a wall And you're kind of just hearing everything going on Behind you And then you turn around and there's fucking like eight cops

And you know They look like fucking special forces Right And then all of a sudden they start arresting everyone that works there. And everyone else around us kind of looks like nonchalant. This is regular 4 a.m. That really was. So we're like, all right, I think we're going to be okay.

Yeah. So they escort everyone out. Yeah. So they escort everyone out, and as we are leaving the establishment, a fucking helicopter. With a light. Yeah. Oh, shit. Hang on, hang on.

I'm sorry, sorry. Oh, man. This is the car. Okay. Hello, Joe. Hey, Doug. Yeah, I got a question for you. I didn't notice the 310.

I didn't know you were an L.A. guy. Oh, I guess I have to tell you, you're being recorded on a podcast. You specifically mentioned it. Oh, that's great. That's great. Well, I didn't mean to interrupt that. I was just making sure that your title was stamped. Is it?

What title? Title? No, I just. Don't block the mic. That's why I was asking if the volume's good. Sorry, hang on a second. We're doing technical. So, yeah, no, the title, I don't, if it's stamped, I'll stamp it if it's not.

Yeah. If it's not... I get it from narcs, so I assume they know what the fuck they're doing. Well, if the title's not stamped, I can't give you cash for a car. All right, well... You gotta get a notary. What? You gotta get a notary.

Yeah, well, I would get a notary. If it's not stamped, I get a notary on the podcast. So, yes. Oh, that's good. Yes. Well, we were gonna have to do it with some cash, but I wanted to make sure that the title was notarized so we could just get it out of your hair. All right. No, no, it's not.

You know it's not? I know it's not, because we have to get it notarized when you're selling it. So that would be something you'd have to do. Oh, I have to have it notarized while I'm selling it so I wouldn't have it stamped. We just did this. But I will hold it aside for you. Oh, he can take it. Yeah, he can take it.

You can just give it to him and he can go do it. You go to a DMV and tell them you're selling a car and they have you sign it and they stamp it and then, yeah. You hold on to the title while it's stamped. I don't know. We got to find the title anyway, Doug. If you want to buy it, it's yours, but I will be in a better headspace tomorrow

to have my manager figure out what the fuck. But yeah, if you want it, it's yours. Yeah, yeah, we want it. Absolutely. We've been trying to describe you on this podcast and somewhere between Joby and Brad Pitt, but there's someone else. It's like a Carradine.

It's almost like a Carradine. John Carradine? I don't know which Carradine is which. Or Keith Carradine from Kung Fu. I don't know. Kill Bill. What do you get, Joe? Keith Ledger's dead, you know. And I've been compared to him, and I've been compared to River Phoenix, too.

So, you know. All good company. Yeah, I can see a little River Phoenix. There's this sun-worn part that I assume you're working on. That's the carotene. I think I saw a little bit of Clint Eastwood in there. Tarek says he saw a little bit of Clint Eastwood, but as you know, he's on a substance.

No, I was going to say Clint Eastwood's son. So that's okay. I see that. All right. Well, yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Anytime tomorrow. I will be in bed early, so I'll be up early. So, yeah, just give me a call anytime tomorrow and I'll figure this shit out. All right. I'll call you tomorrow. And, yeah, I mean, I think you can go down to the bank and have them stamp it, too. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, we can do that. We just did that. We had something else stamped. Yes. Yeah, well, I'll just text. I'll text talk tomorrow. I was going to I'll just text Tarek tomorrow. I was going to share a song to him that I wrote. I think he would like it.

All right. Well, yeah, Leo wants to share a song with us, and I don't want to hear it because I don't understand music. But if you text a song to Tarek, I'll have Leo text a song to you, and then you can all suffer and then make bad excuses. Like, yeah, I mean, it's not my genre, but, you know, for someone else, I can see where this might work. Did you take this from a greeting card, or did you write this yourself?

All right, Joe, I'll talk to you tomorrow. All right, bye. All right, bye. Tarek sold a car. Woo! And made a friend. Who would have ever thought, man? I think

if I could offer any kind of asset to any car salesman's job, and I don't know if this is even... Tarek looks more like a biker than that guy looked like a biker. Yeah, I think...

Does a judge of character have anything to do with selling a car? Because I think I think I'd be good with that because I got a really good fucking vibe from that dude. Yeah, that's how you scam people. I think that's the substances that make me feel that way. Yeah, but I think it's a good way to feel.

Tarek, you're not wrong. All right. You get a fucking good feel off someone when you're tripping. Yes. Well, it depends on what you're tripping on. Ecstasy, you think everyone is your best friend, and then where's my wallet? as your best friend and then where's my wallet? Does anyone, and if there

is anyone, named Tracy that can get Tark back to where he was right after he sold his first car. So now carpet means nothing to him. I just sold my first

car. We're at a very exciting point when they walked out of the place and they saw lights in the sky. Yeah, so, yeah, as we walked out, there was a... Oh, fuck, the cops were there. Now I remember. The cops, hands against the wall, they march you out. They ditched their cigarettes because they thought they were going to get busted. So now we are lulled into this feeling of safety like everything's gonna work out and then we

literally as we walk out the door there's a fucking helicopter with a light shining down 15 to 20 meters away it's been a long night he told me the story he said is like 15 meters away I go go, what's that, a mile or a furlong or a fathom? It's like the weather channel. Throwing meters at me here. Chase Watson. Yeah. It was very close.

It was very close. And so we just. 12 knots. Did it muss your hair? My hair is always on my mind because the amount of time that it actually gets to actually look the way I think I want it to look. That's why I waxed my ass.

It's fucking ridiculous. But it's very deep and great. Oh, Lord Jesus. So you get marched out, a helicopter's over you, and then what happens? There has to be a long line for Ubers at that point. Yeah.

Because that was only the staff that was getting raided, right? I assume for selling alcohol after an hour. A thousand other people had to leave. That's what I mean. It was only the staff they were interested in. They weren't busting a whorehouse where they get the johns and the prostitutes. And this movie doesn't sound like it could afford this kind of publicity otherwise. This sounds like a fantastic, fortuitous turn of events.

This is great. I hope it makes the trades. So we're like, we should probably get back to the hotel as soon as possible. So that's what we did. We called a lift. And then these people that we met earlier the night at the Rainbow were like, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys need to come to this super exclusive after party. The same people that were kicked out of the place that we were just in. Those cops that just busted us are coming to this party. It's like 4 a.m. right now though right yeah yeah so against their better judgment I cancel the lift ride back to the hotel because we're gonna go to this you know super exclusive thing and then so you know we're like okay I trust in the better nature of humanity. And this fucking navigator pulls up and they usher us in first because they realize who you are, right?

And so, like, Black Diva. I already see where my structure of taking fucking Tark solo is. of taking fucking Tark solo is I can see some infighting here between Bingo and Tark because they recognize her. Go ahead. Yes. And, well, there's a whole story to that spiel.

But so we get in the fucking navigator and then the fucking lift driver starts complaining. He's like, oh, we can only have six people in here. So we're now the first two people to go, right? We have to be seen out of the... But they really want us to go back to this super exclusive thing, right? So they give us their address. At this point, our guests don't really remember what happened.

No, you keep going. Okay. And long story short, really remember what happened. No, you keep going. Okay. Long story short, we call a lift. It takes an hour to get there. I think it's 4.44 a.m. and

we are thanking every religious deity that we dodged the bullet of the second after party. And then stayed in the next day. Stay tuned for next week. The people from that other after party

are going to have the most magnificent stories of your life. Yeah, you get to an age where you go, yeah, I'm glad we did not. Tune in next week when Bingo cleans a taco salad out of her crotch and they decide not to go to karaoke. God damn it, you said taco salad and I'm so high, I'm very hungry. That's why I said it, said it I've been thinking about one

Holy shit How long has this podcast gone on? Four days Ready? You need a shave I shaved I shaved I'm kidding

I said four days Oh okay good I forget how high you are Alright We have to go talk to the Kids Wait are we done? Not yet I don't are. All right. We have to go talk to the kids. Wait, are we done? Not yet.

I don't know what we're doing. We want to say, everyone, July 3rd is Killer Termites Day here in Bisbee, Arizona. Celebrate it in your own way. That's coming up. Celebrate it in your own way. Well, I mean, in Bisbee, it's a big thing. Yeah, but you just made it sound like gay-specific

friendly. Celebrate it in your own way. Hey, it's Killer Termites Day. Do it. Like, what else does that mean? Celebrate it in a gay way. I didn't say it. Wait, but you inferred it. No, I didn't either. I mean, I know

we've got Cher here, but I mean, that doesn't mean it's not a gay thing. It's Specialist Cher. Specialist Cher. I'm sorry. Cheray. Get it right. Char? Char?

Char. Specialist Char. Well, it's the third. Just trying to bring that up. I don't know. Kill the termites. Yeah, yeah. Kill the termites.

Kill the termites. Oh, also, I had a guy from the Twitch channel, Clint Thulu, messaged me and said, I know you were looking for a PlayStation 5. They were really difficult to get. I was trying to get one for a long time, and you couldn't get one. In addition to being expensive, I never tried to spend. I get a PlayStation 4

and a 1 and then I connected them. I don't just do Craigslist. That definitely sounds like Craigslist. That sounds gay. Clint Doolittle messaged me and sending me a

PlayStation 5 here to the Fun House. It was supposed to get here today, but it said it got delayed. That means you have to come back. Thank you very much. Plug your Twitch stream. Twitch stream is, go to my pinned tweet, at HDFatty

on Twitter, and you can read how to subscribe to my Twitch stream for free. And askVodkaJuiceBox at Gmail. Don't know what you're thinking. That's what Betty said. She said, well, you know, as quickly as she gets in a fucking crazy projects, she bails on them. So August 1st, if she wants to rent her place.

Yeah, all right. I'm going into places I don't want to talk about. I'll talk to you after the show. All right. I am fucking high and hammered, and it's great. Yeah. We're coming back on the road. We have a lot of road dates that i don't know about that

fucking hennigan tells me about and then he sends it to chaley eventually and chaley might be in alaska so i don't know where the fuck i'm playing i'm not here i'm telling the people just you don't know that yeah i think uh well uh phoenix and think Phoenix and Portland and Tucson is not out. We're selling shit out on the mailing list, assholes. I don't want to fill in my hole. You don't have auto fill. Yeah, most of these dates are being sold out before they're even on the website. That just happened just recently.

Yeah. Some of the shows aren't big shows. Some of them are smaller venues, which, Doug, that's your favorite. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely going to be one of those things. The mailing list I saw was New Year's Eve. I didn't buy a ticket, but I'm going to hope I can get in. I think if you'll do the show, fucking fuck Chad Shank.

Chad Shank is the only comedian. So quick in terms. He's the only comedian that you go, well, if I could get Chad Shank, I'll bump you who does it for a living. It turned out to be a compliment. So it sounds like Chad's opening. I thought he was just trying to give you a little aid. I think Chad's opening for New Year's Eve.

I'm not sure. If he wants to. At least doing time. Doing time. He'll introduce us. Exactly. Like he did last time. It was great.

No, he actually did time last time. And we put that on one of the podcasts. So, yeah. And that's New Year's Eve at the Plaza. That'll be January. I mean, sorry. December 31st. Well, I do Chinese New Year's because I don't want to seem like I'm anti-Asian hate.

It's December 31st, but I don't call it New Year's because I am a Japanese supremacist for the Chinese New Year. I hope he expounds on that during the show. I will. I will expound on that. Demand it. If you're going to heckle and you're just a guy who's going to heckle anyway, demand Japanese supremacist for the Chinese. That's not right.

That's what I'm going to do when I go first and burn it up. I'm 180 years old. That's how we used to talk. No. Hey. First, Chad Chang is going to say

you're listening to the Doug Stano podcast. And then Bingo is going to take us out high and live. Alright, hold on a second. Alright. Let me just turn the AC off so we can get nice and live. Hold on a second. Let me just turn the AC off so we can get nice and

clear because we're going to add this to the template that I have. I like the idea of just adding the T. I think it's great. That's more work. It is. You don't know that because I might not hit the T on any of these. So it might be easier to

just add it. Alright, I'll try. Chase, I'm pulling your mic down because you've got a lot of these. So it might be easier to just add it. All right, I'll try. All right, Chase, I'm pulling your mic down because you got a lot of interference. I'm very apathetic. I just run out of energy at the end of words sometimes. I remember. What? No, go ahead.

You turned it down. Turn the AC off. Yeah, so you can go. So what's Chad? I shut up. What is Chad? You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. And give us a live.

Okay, bye-bye now. 17. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� E aí