The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#453: Geographical Cure

Episode Date: July 10, 2021

Doug reviews another distant hotel for the hell of it. Brian Hennigan joins in. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded July 7th, 2021 in the FunHouse with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) in Gibraltar, UK, Brian Hennigan (@mrhennigan)in Las Vegas, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille) in Bisbee, AZ. Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Want more annoying Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right let's start this i'll keep it open so i can see if hedigan jumps in but yeah yeah he'll be a he'll be a bit i can hear that you can hear what just what's outside oh that's what's going on what because well gibraltar is is english territory right oh no no no just no the fucking traffic i have the are we going we're going we're always going yeah no i have, I have the Gibraltar, Rock of Gibraltar view, which means the fucking scooters. Scooters are like fucking motorcycle gangs over here. The fucking two-stroke engines overtaking fucking tour buses and shit right out there and seagulls screeching. It's a fucking nightmare cacophony

of sound out there actually made worse by the rock cliff basically making an amphitheater it's just louder yeah that's what keeps the fucking seagulls in they can't fucking raise that elevation to get over the rock of gibraltar so they're all stuck in here like a amphitheater of fucking screeching and dying by the thousands while they breed by the millions evidently. And they shit like they're assholes or blunderbusses. Just literally everything is covered in fucking bird shit. I put out that goofy, uh,

that update, like a review. They don't have Yelp over here. So I had to pawn it off to Hennigan to put on TripAdvisor and Expedia and all that. And it's mostly goofy and ridiculous. But the fucking seagull shit, everything's covered in seagull shit. It's fucking everywhere. And they just sit out and they, some of them sound like meat wig.

Like, because I was thinking, wow. And they just sit out and they, some of them sound like meat wig, like, because I was thinking, wow, fucking, if I brought meat wig as some kind of service animal, had him on the entire trip and like, he wouldn't understand, oh, this is first class. You have a lay down seat in first class. I don't get it. And he'd be happy to lay with me in that little pod for a minute and then he'd just go and try to fucking find a mouse kill something here he wouldn't come home with a fucking seagull or a pigeon every day they just

sit out there and i would applaud him it seemed like work to him though it wouldn't be much of a vacation yeah like all right i already got one of you there's how many are there's a lot meat wig get to work it took me you i think what four days to get here i don't know there i i you left you had to leave earlier by more than a day because you had to do a covid test within you had to get a covid test to get on the plane to get into the uk okay this is what confused me at first gibraltar is technically part of the uk it's a territory of the uk but much like puerto rico oh they have different rules with covid like if you wanted to fly to puerto rico but had to go through the US, you'd have

to go through US fucking restrictions and then separate restrictions for Puerto Rico. So I don't understand this. All I know, I have to get a COVID test that's no further out than 72 hours before I land in the UK, but I have to stay over at Heathrow in London to get my connecting flight. So I leave two days early from Bisbee to go to Tucson to get the COVID test. It's going to be three days before I hit the UK, but technically it'll be four days before I leave the UK, past 72 hours at least. So that I don't think is going to be an issue when I fly so I get to Tucson on Friday to leave on Sunday so I have the test that I got in Tucson or I can drive back to Bisbee and then drive back to Tucson which is a huge nightmare

so I'll fucking slum it and you know hit the pool at the tucson airport hotel get my tests get my results all good i fly from tucson to lax i have an hour there and everything's closed lax is as fucked as it's ever been it's under construction i have to take a fucking bus between gates i I get to, they do have a smoking fucking section still at international. Everything's closed. You're in the Bradley international at the, between three and four,

right? Yeah. We done at the end. Yeah. The international terminal. And I go, do they still have that weird smoking area? And they go,

yeah, it's right there beside, right beside where i found a taco place i could eat and wasted time eating tacos i didn't even want to eat because they were the only place that served booze but you had to order food i could have been smoking the whole time i don't give a fuck about tacos uh for my hour off fortunately it was the most sober i've flown i get the first class i like i don't want to over serve myself because i know delta is the only airline that hasn't suspended alcohol from some fucking unruly bullshit american and united both suspended alcohol southwest to

southwest well yeah hey are you going? Go ahead. Our open mic days, they're over. Hey, LAX, are you going to New York and then Heathrow or just straight LAX to Heathrow? No, 10 and a half hours. Wow. Yeah.

I had about five cocktails and took a Xanax. I slept. I was fresh. Thank God. Because if I was like my Xanax mornings are my best clarity mornings. If I slept on a Xanax, which I'd parcel out every several days because I get on the plane. I'm smoking going, oh, I have time. Well, not only do you have to have a COVID test, which I had.

Oh, you have to file this passenger locator thing, which I didn't know I had to do. And they go, oh, did you fill this out? And you don't fill it out. Like, oh, I can do. I'll fill it out. Oh, no, you have to log on to a thing with my phone you know how i am with my phone i don't know i don't do anything on my phone other than text or call yeah occasionally whatsapp if whatsapp is working which it hasn't been here so he's like no

you have to and i'm like i don't know how to I'm the last guy on the fucking plane. It's filling out this endless stream of fucking questions. And I've got my booze shaky thumbs. And I can't. And they're all waiting for me. And so he helps me with half of it. Hit send. I'm on the plane. Get to the fucking, you know, border customs whatever at heathrow the uk fucking

endless line i think i'm good i got my uh i got my covid results okay yeah but where's your passenger locator i go oh well that thing well they filled it out at the gate when i left well they should have emailed it to you well then I checked my email email on my phone I still have hotmail that might be a problem it's a interface or whatever you call it it's not the same as I have on a laptop yeah it shows me like the last eight emails in order and that's it and none of them and I'm like well I don't have what do I do? Well, you'll have to fill it out again. And then I try, like they, and they move me. I'm standing by a post, you know,

you know, the international terminal coming in. There's a million fucking, you know. People with chickens and spigs and fireworks. And washing job and they're fighting with everyone. I'm like, I don't really know what I'm doing. And I hit send again. And well, then it should be in your email. But it's not.

You're waiting for an automated reply to the passenger locator that you sent. Yeah, that they were supposed to have sent. And I'm sending it. And then I'm like, maybe because I use Doug at Doug Stanhope, it's not going through and maybe there's a problem. Because when you do Doug at Doug Stanhope, that just forwards to my hotmail.

And we've had occasions where it hasn't gone through very rarely, but Doug at Doug Stanhope is, and that's been a decade since that happened yeah yeah and and she's at the same time going well your your uh covet test well that's gonna expire like by the time you leave and i go but it says there was a if it's a transfer on the curbside and it's still and she's like i don't know and then she's asking the other lady and by the time fucking i can't figure it out she's ducked out and a nice guy has come in and he's like oh well you just do this and this and they're going well he he needs a proof of a flight tomorrow because i'm switching airlines yeah i'm going well, then we need proof of that.

And now my Expedia app doesn't fucking work. So I have no, I can't find any receipt of my British Airlines flight for tomorrow. And I'm fucked. And the whole time,

like if I was not Xanax, I'm like still already like, fuck this. Just send me home. But I've checked the bag and i can't go get my bag i would have turned around right on the spot at this point like this has been like an hour of me going but i don't know how to i can't let you past here unless you have i go i'm not trying to get past here i'm trying to explain to, I don't know how to work your fucking gadgets.

I don't know why my Expedia is not working. I don't know why my Hotmail can't bind any of this. And the nice guy says, well, if you need proof of that flight, you can stay airside and just go to terminal, whatever. There's a British Airlines. By this point, I've already had bingo trying to figure this shit out on my laptop bingo is your tech support yeah i'm going to check no no i'm can i speak to a stateside customer service my trips and bingo's going there's no my trips i'm going to jump in the fucking right hand i'm yelling at bingo for it's not her problem. Or her forte. So then I call Raider.

In the meantime, I'm calling Raider on my other phone. Oh, so you're that guy in the airport with a phone up in each ear? Yeah, that doesn't look suspicious. Hey, who's the guy with the fucking multiple phones? And let's reiterate, you're not zombie

drunk, which would have been a major problem, which is you usually just kind of feel your way to the next plane when we do changeovers and stuff like that because you drank so much and you usually have Xanax. So it was fortuitous that you actually only had a couple drinks in that 10 and a half hour flight. Yeah, no, I had drinks eight hours earlier. I was completely stone sober, but at the same time, completely ill-equipped

to deal with the situation. I don't know why I'm not getting my emails. I don't know why I can't get on my Expedia app. I don't know why you're yelling me about my fucking, like there's three things. My COVID test will expire by the time I'm leaving. You have a, it was, so I get raided a screenshot, my upcoming flight in your Expedia account. Yeah.

But by the time I get back, like I'm halfway to go find British airlines to get someone at a desk that doesn't exist. Yeah. Like by the time I'd walk to wait, this is a bus terminal or a train terminal. This is not a Raider comes through, gets me the screenshot.

So I go right back. Now the nice guy's gone. There's another guy that's a fucking asshole. And he's like, this doesn't prove anything. You need a ticket. I'm like, who has a ticket anymore? And I can't get on the Expedia. And I'm trying to explain to, and then I, I'm back up against the post while there's a new round of a thousand people from a new flight. i'm just going i

don't know what to do uh and he's like and i i go can i just get my laptop thank god i had my laptop oh good for this reason is that and i pull up my laptop after all this and the guy's just he's like fucking well why are you flying alone during a pandemic anyway? What does that mean? Yeah. How much money do you have on you? It's like, why are you flying? But this is what I got from it. I gleaned later on is none of them knew what they were doing. Like the first lady was talking to the second lady about the rules of COVID and the 72 hours. And I get like this with an audience.

When I don't have my shit together and the audience is unruly, I blame the audience for my own incompetence in my own fucking set. They don't know that I don't really have a strong set put together. So I'll blame a heckler for me. What are you throwing me off for? What are you, what's your problem? I don't come down to where you work and where do you work? Doug, you're a dicks for a living. Who cut your hair?

And I get, all right, this is what this, but once I could pull up my laptop, then, you know, there's a little- Hold on a second, Doug. Hold on. You usually put your laptop in your bag that you check. You had to pull all your luggage and then go through customs. So that's why. No, I put it in my backpack on purpose because I thought, fuck, what if I have to do shit?

I assumed I might have to do shit in the hotel room. I didn't think I'd have to pull it out dude that's awesome through the plexiglas hole like oh wait i can put my phone through there but now i have my laptop i don't and he pulls it around the side and he's going through my email now and he's like have you checked your junk folder and no no don't check don't check my history no no no he hits junk folder all of the virgin atlantic stuff all of the is in the junk folder so he's like yeah junk folder this is it okay now i see now i see that you're going here and then you're scrolling through my inbox now i see you you took Delta to the Virgin Atlantic and LAX.

I see. I get it now. Completely dismissing all the other things about the fucking COVID shots and the Expedia. Oh, no, I did show them the Expedia because I could get on it with my laptop. I don't know why the fucking app doesn't work, but there's no one to call. Yeah. So that gets me into heathrow where i have to wait i thought this was leaving heathrow this is just getting into you fucking k

yeah so then now i have like i spent almost three hours there and then i have uh that's like 5 p.m i get to my hotel in heathrow attached to heathrow even though it's a hotel right is it no yotel's closed that was the whole point was to stay at yotel i had to go to that whole terminal is closed so i had to go it's like a 20 minute cab ride between terminals. It's like $30 cab ride from terminal two to terminal five or whatever it was to terminal four, which is closed, but it's outside the gate. So I stayed at the Hilton. I slept maybe four hours. I spent the first few hours just like, all right, I'm going to have my shit together to get back out of Heathrow to get to Gibraltar, which has its own bullshit rules. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm not going to make it.

I'm going to just turn around and fly back. I get the majority of my miles. I Gibraltar. I can look at pictures, but I'm just fucking now. I'm nervous. Billy, Billy Hayes from Midnight Express like I have hash tape to my body in a fucking toilet Well you're on edge on purpose

like for a good reason they've got you fucking jumping through these weird hoops that they don't even know what the fuck they're doing. So again, I'm vaguely sober, get about four hours sleep, I get a 4 a.m wake up call to get a 7 a.m flight uh i get the shuttle i get there there's no one there i have to wait i get through pretty simply past the check-in oh but your covid thing i go no gibraltar you get

tested when you land not not when you leave. Oh, okay. Is that how it works? Wait, did you bullshit that? I had all the confidence prepared and I didn't even need it, but I did memorize things. I wrote notes down for myself. Okay, this is what it says. And just if you can quote this in the legalese that it says, then that's you.

it says and just if you can quote this in the legalese that it says then that's you you're preparing like it's a comedy central special just just to fly somewhere so i get past that now i'm not i'm still not convinced because they do gate shit like they did at virgin atlantic and lax where they surprised me at the end with the passenger locator thing yeah so i'm not i get through uh security and i all of a sudden oh when you it crushes you when you're no longer uh tsa pre-check or medallion status yeah oh no you have to take off your fucking belt and your shoes and your tie clip and then stand on oh you still need a pat down and i'm like motherfucker and so i get out i get through that okay pat me down all you like i'm frisky frisky too oh you're not an animal and i fucking walk out and I throw my shoes back on.

And I realized at some point as I'm walking up and down, my shoes are fucked up. I think my insoles are off center. My odor eater insoles. I'm walking up and down trying to find something that I could get some breakfast before I fly out. I upgraded. Oh, British Airlines. As I'm walking on a fucking crooked foot where I'm blaming them for denting my shoe in somehow. It's fucking hurting my toe. Do I have a bigger toe than normal? I need to fucking get some food in me. What if they don't have breakfast on this three-hour flight to gibraltar and then i see

british airlines the the desk the in terminal desk and it says ask us about upgrading and i went fuck maybe i should upgrade and then there'll be food and you're not first you're not first class from heathrow to gibraltar i didn't think there was a first class. When I booked it a couple months ago, I was looking. I didn't remember seeing a first class. So I went up. I said, I saw your sign. Ask about an upgrade.

So I'm asking you about an upgrade. Give me your ticket. And she says, it'll be 89 pounds. And I go, for first class? She goes, yes, 89 pounds. I go for first class. She goes, yes, 89 pounds. I go, all right, I'll spend it. It's just like 140 bucks or something. Yeah.

Fuck it. I'm on vacation. I'm going to make this vacation a vacation. What a thrill. Yeah. And then I went down towards my gate and then I found a place that has breakfast. I still have a lot of time to kill. I get a half an found a place that has breakfast. I went, I still have a lot of time to kill. I got half an hour.

I'll eat breakfast. And it says, instead of a menu, they're scan happy over here. That's what they do. They scan everything. QR codes? Yeah, even the fucking guy one of the things at customs trying to get into Heathrow

will just scan the thing. I go, I don't know how. And I'm doing this with my phone. You're a fucking ableist. Like if a guy doesn't, next time when I come here to work here, I'm bringing a fucking flip phone. I'm going to borrow Derek's phone and I'm just going to have a flip phone from fucking 2003.

And I'm going to go scan it. How, what do I do? Do I do this? And I said to the lady, I go, can I get breakfast without scanning the thing? No, no. You just download the app. I go, I don't, I don't download. Well, what's your phone number?

And I go, I gave it to her. He's hitting on you during breakfast. This is the hostess at a fucking breakfast at Gulliver's Travels, whatever. I don't know what the name of the place is. I go, can I just get breakfast without knowing how to use it? I don't. Well, no, I'll send you

the app scan thing. I go, no, I don't know how to scan. Can I just not order food? And then I started to leave and to leave she goes okay and hands me the fucking menu sit there and someone and they have to call a fucking corporate and get a person to come actually yeah i like the the small traditional english breakfast thanks all right Thanks. All right. Hey, better help. Better help. You know, when I was a kid sitting in the back of AA meetings with my mother, there was the old canard that I always learned.

No matter where you go, there you are. They called them geographical cures. cures. If you go all the way to Gibraltar thinking that that and a Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle is all you're going to need to fix what hurts your brain, think again. Maybe you need BetterHelp, like BetterHelp.com. Let me tell you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp.com is affordable private online counseling anytime, anywhere. Connect in a safe and private online environment. And it's so convenient. Do it at your own time and at your own pace.

Communicate with your therapist as often as you want and wherever you feel it's needed. Help is available at your time and your place. BetterHelp is not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist, and you're allowed to connect with them in a safe and private online environment. Anything

you share is confidential. You can start communicating in under 48 hours. Counseling doesn't have to be expensive, and BetterHelp is more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and financial aid is available. Pay a low flat fee for unlimited counseling with your counselor. Send a message to your counselor anytime, and switch counselors at any point if you don't feel like you're getting enough benefit. Find the particular expertise you need online. Don't limit yourself to counselors located near you.

Licensed professional counselors are waiting for you to call that are specialized in relationships, anxiety, depression, anger, family conflicts, sleeping, grief, trauma, self-esteem, and LGBT matters. I want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. Join over 1 million people and myself who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, Help.com slash Stanhope. Oh, there's Brian Hennigan. There's Brian Hennigan.

I can't see Greg Chilly. Where is he? I'm here. Oh, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yeah. oh there's brian hennigan there's brian hennigan i can't see greg chili where's he i'm here oh there you are oh yeah yeah i'm i'm at the place where the scan happy fucking whatever place i ate my breakfast i get on the flight british airways that i've upgraded for 130 dollars keep in mind the entire flight was 200 and something dollars. So I've one-thirded this to be in what she says is first class, which I don't remember happening or seeing when I booked my seat. You know, Hennigan will attest to, we're very particular about our seating. So when I had had booked this i don't remember seeing

a first class but the lady said when i upgraded well i get on the fucking plane wait first of all british airways not 30 minutes after i have upgraded to the alleged first class, they said, because of COVID, we are now seating from the rear of the plane forward. The first thing to expect from first class is you're going to get seated first. So basically, you paid to downgrade. Yes. Oh, yes. There's a domino effect here, Brian.

no yes there's a domino effect here brian so now i'm the last guy to board in first class and i get on and it looks just like southwest airlines there's three from the row one to the back is three seats on either side there is no the seats are exactly the same as coach and except the middle seats are still they have a like a thing in between them like uh like partition yeah like when you a drink holder when you put that in your car you buy a drink holder between the fucking passenger seat fucking driver's seat yeah they have that where you now you can't sit there but it's still coach it's still crammed coach and it's you know but it's not first class and i don't want to be a dick and go what did i upgrade to at this point like now i'm just hoping for more food and cocktails which british airlines couldn't give the fucking booze away quick enough like once we were in the

air wow and this is seven in the morning and i'm still trying to be stayed on some level because i still have to get through fucking gulliver's travels fucking gibraltar trafalgar whatever this territory is. I still have to get through their customs because they're not really the UK. And you've got a bit of PTSD because of what you just went through, you know, landing in Heathrow. That was three hours, you know, it's understandable. I don't know if they had hard alcohol or not,

because as soon as we're in the the air the fucking best flight attendants ever they're just very happy the opposite of everything i've been through all jovial i don't know if they had some kind of sales rally going you have to make the people think that everything's fine again. Oh, you're going to see the sunlight, are you, laddie? But they had that fucking attitude of, you know, the Mary Poppins. Can I get you something to drink, a champagne? I go, oh, yeah, champagne and orange. I didn't want them making my own. I wanted them separate.

Like they fucking, yeah. making my own I wanted them separate. Like they fucking Yeah, so and like before my breakfast is even come, which do like another champagne I go I still have I'll bring you another to have and so I have backed up champagnes and orange juicy and a spoon full of champagne makes the anger go down. I was fucking poppins solid so we land i have to get my covid test as soon as we land that's all in order this is like bisbee small town gibraltar is small town

uk where everything they have you get off the plane i get my bag uh they have, you get off the plane, I get my bag. They have a COVID hut, like a pizza hut, COVID hut, like a bookmobile, like a trailer on either side. You walk up like it's an ice cream truck on either side. You stand in a line that moves rapidly. They jam things up your nose and have a nice day and i got my results within less than 24 hours and uh fucking gorgeous it's 80 degrees i knew i would love gibraltar by the way every fucking brit including jonathan short told me how fucking awful it is there's still

when i put it up on twitter they're saying yeah yeah it sucks i've been there why what sucks about this other than you're here yeah fucking fantastic do they speak differently what do they sound like they sound like this is the problem brian it's gorgeous here except for the i haven't left my room i go to the hotel pool uh the the pool bar the hotel bar the two bars in the hotel it's just like last time we toured here they don't fucking want to talk to you the fucking bar staff wants nothing to do with you i would the amount i would like you over tip trying to get them to pretend to like you. And they yeah, there there's no blokes behind the bar.

It's remember last time we played the UK and I go, wow, their accent is so thick. And then I realized, oh, that's not a British accent at all. That's their Spanish or Italian. They're Polish or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. And they're making fucking top wages, so they're not counting on tips because they don't assume anyone's going to tip, and they fucking hate you for being there,

and you're going to order a Tinky Winky, Brian. When you get off the fucking plane and you get to the Caleta Hotel, the fucking plane and you get to the kalita hotel which is fucking 45 minutes walking in these aqua socks that i bought to fucking walk the streets in wait you're walking in those yeah do you not have your shoes i was trying to pack squishy so i bought aqua socks like high dollar aqua socks they have a good sole on them yeah yeah they're good i just realized now that if i put my insoles oh oh wait i forget to tell you i wondered where that was coming from because you never finished that part of it my tie clip that tie

clip that i fucking lost that security i never got to that part you never even talked about that you were talking about your shoes being different when you got through security when i fucking had to take off my tie clip and my belt and my fucking shoes i realized when i was walking around that i lost my tie clip my it was not a fancy one my big fat one that i always wore because it was perfect for my wide eyes and it didn't seem to be replaceable i lost that because i was just so hurrying through fucking security to get to gibraltar when i put my shoes back on when we landed in gibraltar my shoes still fucked up but in a different place and i thought could it no it couldn't but it couldn't pause it yeah my

tie clip was underneath the insole of my shoe this tie clip the whole time i'm ruminating about you're walking around going ow my fucking toe my foot ow and i was texting like i fucking lost my tie clip i texted bingo i texted you were headache i lost my fucking tie clip and the only reason that tie clip had any meaning other than it fit perfectly is i was amazed that for probably a decade i never lost that tie clip that's like having a lighter or a pen for 10 years you know i can't believe i've never lost this yeah my shoe and i cried a little bit literally i i i fucking raised my hands in the air and explained to the fucking british airlines flight attendant the joy that I was feeling because I was going fuck yes because I had just been texting everyone before takeoff about my fucking tie clip and I told her the story and she goes the same thing happened to me and she had a whole story about

something she thought she had lost and security it was gorgeous i'm not i was gonna charge back that whole fucking bullshit upgrade because they still don't know what they upgraded me to and then i was so happy about the free champagne their jubilance and finding my tie clip that i'm not gonna try to fucking charge back 130 stupid upgrade but did the whole plane get free champagne? I don't know. I wasn't back there. Maybe that was the first class. Wait, didn't you conduct a survey, Doug?

Yeah. No, his feet were hurting from his tie clip in his shoe. He didn't want to walk back there. At the beginning, I was going to politely in a British Airlines way say, no offense, but what did I upgrade to? Because I was in seat 10 on the aisle. Now I'm in seat four on the aisle. What am I getting that they wouldn't get? But they were, that they wouldn't get. But they were, Brian, you'll understand this. They were so great that for the first time since pre 9-11 Vegas inbound only flights, there was applause when we landed. Do you remember that? When you'd fly into Vegas and people would clap, they were so happy to be on a plane to Vegas. The plane would applaud when they clapped, unless there was severe turbulence and they were just happy to be alive.

Never have I heard applause in 20 years until that flight landed. Everyone was so fucking happy. Yeah, the Brits do that a lot. That's a thing? Yeah. I've never been on a flight from Britain to somewhere nice. Wait. Yeah.

You've come home? The Brits do that a lot. Yeah, but I'm saying like where British people would go to. Yeah, like Marbella or fucking Tormolinos or fucking anywhere in Spain. Hello, Doug. Oh, my God. I think Hennigan's going crazy. Hennigan's football drunk.

Oh, no. Hennigan finally has a good camera shot. Really? ball drunk. I'm not. Hennigan finally has a good camera shot. Really? I'm doing it on my fucking phone. As you were going to say, it's on his phone because it's a portrait, not landscape.

It looks like he is on an airplane because of the things over his head. Yeah, yeah. It looks like you can reach up and turn the knob and turn down the so so so i get i get uh i get my covid test here and i get a taxi to the hotel i have to wait two hours to check in a lady that was uh on the flight next to me a row up was checking in in front of me and she goes, oh where's you? I had my funny beard mask on. I like your mask.

Oh you're right. So we went out and we went to the pool bar to have some drinks. She was a nice gal and we had cocktails both waiting for our rooms to be ready and I go, let's get some good. We'll edit that part. So listen, is anyone... No, no, wait. I want to get a fucking foo-foo drink at the pool bar and they have

all these fresh squeezed juices that you can get. No cranberry or grapefruit. Turns out later when you're switching to vodka, soda, splash of, do you have grapefruit?

No. Well then cranberry. Nope. Well, they have all these fresh squeezed juices. So the, the, the Kiwi lemonade and gin.

Yeah. I actually like that. Yes. Fresh squeezed Kiwi with lemonade and gin with a fucking pineapple on the top what's it called the tinky winky oh i'm just looking at the menu going that looks good okay that looks i'll take oh shit it's a tinky winky so now i just, can I get a fresh squeezed kiwi juice and gin with lemonade? Thank you. Isn't Tinky Winky one of those children's cartoon characters?

Yeah, one of the Teletubbies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the Jerry Falwell promoting queers. Yeah. So has anyone recognized you yet? No, not except for that nice lady,loe uh when i told her who i was and then made her google it and i haven't seen her since yeah she checked out that's kind of

that's kind of undermining the idea of being recognized if you tell someone to google you yeah how come you don't have a concert T-shirt on, Doug? I said to Bingo, I go, oh, don't get jealous. She's my age. What do you think, I'm gross? So you were there for quite a while. I thought, I remember when you booked it, I thought, wait, you aren't just flying in for one or two days and flying out?

The normal, where you would just, yeah, not even in the airport. No, six nights, and this is night number two. Jesus. Yeah, I haven't snapped yet. I was going to say, it's supposed to be six nights. There's a fat man at the pool that seems to have claimed stakes on his own. There's only like a dozen chaise lounges at the pool. And by the time I get down there, like one o'clock, they're all full.

Or people just put their shit on them and leave and go. There's a little beach downstairs. This is a really cool place and eventually i'll i'll get into a groove where i explore more uh but i always end up sitting at this one table by the bar that's not a chaise lounge it's like a little and he's always staring at me he's this roly-poly miami beach 70 year old guy with this like deep bronze unnatural tan that is cancer from within coming out and uh he's always just focusing on me and well he's he's probably he's british so he's probably only 50 i don't know if he's british but he's definitely british he looks like the

lock stock and tea smoking barrels guy gone south and fat. Yeah. Yeah. And he just like sexy, sexy beast, sexy beast. No, no,

he's big and fat, but still big. Like I wouldn't fight the guy, but he's big and fat. And I'm going to, my point is I already have a table set out to get everything I need to usurp him and get there before he can even finish breakfast. And I'm going to be in that fucking chair.

I'm going to his chair spot. You're going to grab his actual spot. Awesome. I'm thinking he's German. And that's my guess. He's actually, you know, he's actually in the picture that I posted. If you're one of those. I was going to ask ask who's that fat

fuck yeah but he didn't have his sunglasses on usually he has his sunglasses on so i can't tell if he's staring at me and then i put my sunglasses on so he can't tell if i'm staring at him yeah that big fat fuck what you should do is we should line up two chaise lounges next to each other. And when he comes out, you like the one next to you invitingly. He's at a table. So he's with his wife, who's also staring at me in that picture. The picture I'm referring to is on my trip advisor review of this place. Oh, yeah. I was I was looking at your your Gibraltar, which is, it's not focusing, but that is a beautiful pool. And I would jump down there early every day to get my backpack and sun tanning lotion and a towel down there to be by that pool. It's beautiful, dude.

Yes. I'm bringing everything hi this is doug stanhope actor writer enthusiast and part-time broadcaster as seen on youtube and all the other social networks do you like apparel, what if I told you you could get apparel right there on the internet? I get all my apparel from Zip Zoo Apparel. If you ever want a t-shirt that has a kind of Felix the Cat head on it and it says, you're gonna die in a really kooky font

and it's on a yellow t-shirt, none of that black shit, go to Z zoo apparel you can get them on twitter at zip zoo apparel apparel all year long zip zoo apparel.com in cincinnati you are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Are you drinking, Cheely? Yeah.

Are you not? No, I jumped on it as soon as the fucking... Let me get a drink. Yeah, this is my second podcast today. So, yeah, I've been drinking. And the first one was an hour later than I thought. So I already started drinking even before Doug, I think. Yeah, I was going to call an audible and say, oh, wait.

No, you don't delay me by an hour. You delay them by an hour. Well, we had it planned. You didn't plan this. We were just going gonna chit chat today dude that that fucking place is beautiful that reminds me of uh when i was in yugoslavia or like uh like some of those places down there on the mediterranean it is that's that's a stunning view that picture you took it is it's uh it's not close to anything. Again, I walked for 40 minutes to get to the first thing that was open, which was like everything I needed on the way back.

I was going to find breakfast and then fuck around. I wanted to find like an ice bucket for the room because you have to go to the bar like everything in Europe. go to the bar like everything in europe there's no ice machine and they don't expect you need ice uh and an ashtray and like as i'm walking around there's nothing this is like it's like go ahead again it's like hunter's square like i know it's when i was looking at the trip advisor thing i was like wait so this is the entire list of hotels for some reason I assumed Gibraltar had I don't know a lot of hotels and it was kind of like wow this is really not a lot of hotels it should be all hotels and restaurants that's right whole fucking place when I booked it I realized like there were Airbnb kind of things where i could get close to a one bedroom

with a balcony uh apartment but i would uh but then when i found this place i'm like oh this has a bar and a pool that was just like a shitty apartment but it's close to other things but there's no pool and i go fuck it i'll do this thinking that it's gonna be like i don't know what 2.6 square miles means but i thought that's the size of old bisbee that's what it says gibraltar is 2.6 square miles i just walked a fucking hour and a half today and i didn't even see like the rock of Gibraltar or anything. Like I fucking walked everywhere and there's no like,

not like I thought maybe I could find a place with a small cooler, like a ditch cooler. Like I carry in my car, like a seven 11 styrofoam thing that like breaks after, you know, one use. Yeah, no,

no. I thought maybe I could find a razor because i brought my shaver but uh evidently you get turned on at some point one of the maneuvers so it's dead and so i shaved like half my fucking beard and then it died and then so i get so i get some razors to. But the place that sells razors doesn't have I get to add this into that fucking other bit. But yeah, just you can't go to one store that has the razor place only sells pharmacy shit. The place that sells a mixer only sells booze and cigarettes. sells a mixer only sells booze and cigarettes and the place that sells a fucking appropriate charger

you know the universal charger yeah they sell watches chargers and it's like fuck it I just got a traditional English breakfast have you seen any local policemen the bobby on the beat

only off the balcony. Oh. Yeah, at some point I'll go out into town. I'll find a bar. And then, oh, that's the other thing is the fucking taxi cabs. I asked them at breakfast because they tried to trick me into the, well, do you want the breakfast added to your room? And I go, well, I don't want to be, you know,

I don't want to feel like know i don't want to feel like i have to wake up if i i'll just buy it's only three pounds more if you buy it by the day thank god because i went down and the buffet that they have is fucking cereal and hard boiled eggs it's shit that a hampton inn couldn't give away it's garbage garbage. And I went, really? This is your buffet? Or you can order off the menu. Which is what you do anyway. Yeah. There's no

fucking meat or anything. You were going to charge me like 21 pounds or something for cereal and fucking knickknacks and a hard-boiled egg? no fuck you i didn't say fuck you because i have to be here for five more days i'll just walk to town uh front desk well we'd suggest you take a taxi i go ah fuck it i'll walk i came out of a nice saraquil fucking haze

i need to wake up and uh when you get into old town in the city center, yeah, it's fucking crazy. Good. Like it's like Hunter square and it's all weird alleys and cobblestone. And yeah, there's a million bars. Like a fountain and like a piazza in Italy,

like, or like a big, like a big central area. Is that what the town is like? No, a small central area, but it the town is like no a small central area but it's spider veins off in a a million just little it's like hunter square brian understands it's like not big but a lot of foot traffic and just a bunch of bullshit knickknack shops but all outdoor

cafes you guys smoking at breakfast doing my new york times crossword puzzle uh what's the story okay what's the story story with the monkeys evidently i guess they're all up on the mountain from what i've heard i didn't see any fucking monkeys i didn't even realize i forgot about the monkeys uh and i don't need to go up on top of that mountain. Anytime it's... What's that place that they try to sell you tours on in fucking Edinburgh? Arthur's Castle. Oh, the Edinburgh Castle. Yeah, it's like

that. I don't want to fucking go up there with a bunch of fucking schlubs. Listen, I can assure you Edinburgh Castle would be much nicer if it had monkeys. Than dirty monkeys trying to steal your sandwich. Yeah. Yeah, but anyone who's been with monkeys. You ain't hanging with the monkeys alone.

You're hanging with people that are feeding the fucking monkeys Cheetos or whatever fucking off-brand name they have for Cheetos here. Pringles from their fucking mini bar. I spent six pounds on these Cheetos fucking Pringles, but I'm going to feed them to a macaque. You know, I tweeted months ago when I booked this fucking thing, I'm going to Gibraltar

and hashtag Gibraltar, hoping for one positive thing. Oh, go see so-and-so. He's the cool bartender at the fucking mix and match. I passed the Trafalgar that you told me to go to to watch the footy. No, I told you to go to the Ivy. Oh.

Wait, Hannigan, you've been to Gibraltar? No. No, Hannigan fucking, he does my travel for me. All right. Just for fun. I say I'm going somewhere, and he's like, Well, he fucked up the passenger locator. Oh, God.

He's going insane in Vegas. It's too hot. I am. Yeah. I've, I've, I've tried to force myself to not do anything that I don't want to do. Like,

all right, this morning. Yeah, I do want to walk. And I walked till I didn't, but the streets here are just all, you know, subway street and Bisbee.

Yeah. Old. This is like old Bisbee, like a giant version of a million subway streets that go up and you go if i called a taxi where would they stop you can't stop on a street how would they find you like there's no, it's just all this circuitous fucking spaghetti noodles of fucking cobblestone. And the place I found to have breakfast when I stopped is this something center, checkmate center or classmate center, something. I don't know.

You sure it's not a school? They had a taxi stand. I didn't even realize until I'd walked past it after breakfast, walked another fucking 40 minutes and got back to, I go, oh, I've passed my second Burger

King on this walk. Oh, no. I had to get a text to me. Why haven't you posted any pictures yet? And this morning there was a Pizza Hut and a fucking Burger King in the same

all the local flavor shit. And I'm like am I seeing a fucking Pizza Hut sign amongst this fucking 1600s fucking slate gray fucking the charm of Europe. Yeah.

Yeah. So, so I just wanted to, I didn't have the fucking Moxie to do selfies in front of this, in front of all these people. Like, I don't want to be that guy thing, but that would have been really funny to start my Gibraltar tweets with all these fucking shitty American staples.

Those are the only two I saw. So I would have run out of gas after that. Still haven't seen a Subway or a McDonald's. Well, the bar that I recommended to you is and this is how you know it's going to be terrible. It's called the Ivy American Sports and Grill, which means you know that everything on their menu is going to be awful. Yeah, their take on American sports and grill.

Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. You guys talk amongst yourselves. Well, Brian, with the Americanized food, Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. You guys talk amongst yourselves. Brian, with the Americanized food, it is basically someone telling one person in Chinese telephone, 10 people down the row actually put the pizza together. And it is nothing like, there's like some tomato sauce and then a little bit of, and then there's just a pepperoncini laying across the whole thing and maybe two

dials of tomato. And it's like, here's your pizza. It's a, you know, what the fuck is this? You know, you just, you dumped a salad onto a flattened dough. And, but I mean, when we were over it, when I was in Austria, that was the closest we were going to get to American food and that's what we ate. We kept going back there and no one had the heart to tell them, this is not even pizza. This is really

an unwrapped calzone. At least what it is. Alright, I can't find it. I'm trying to find where Hannigan I swear he told me the fucking a different place no it was the ivy for sure oh yeah yeah you're right ivy bar but let's uh let's uh before we leave let's uh let's talk about misinformation where greg chaley told me england didn't make it past like the round of 16 or i didn't say that that's not what i said what did you what did you say then oh i i i thought the

final was the italy game but it's just those were the two i heard that were playing on tuesday but i didn't i mean i didn't i don't remember telling Doug England lost because I didn't watch any of the games. I actually copied and pasted it to Brian, what you said to me. All right. I can't. I got to stop fucking tweeting you guys. Look at the fucking endless amounts of tweets I've sent to both of you. What?

I don't check tweets for messages. We have a working and personal relationship. I'm saying text. Point being, you told me that England got bumped out, then you told me that you were fucking with

me. No, that was days later when you accused me of trying to... But today you said that Denmark tied including penalty kicks. What? Yeah, you said Italy and Denmark. Italy, Spain. Whatever

it was. Yeah, I didn't know. But you said, no, Tracy told me that it was tied including fucking penalty kicks, which didn't make any sense. And as I pointed out, for that to be the case, the game would still have to be ongoing as we speak. Yeah, because there would be never ending penalties, which is an amusing concept. But Chaley did.

OK, this is what I said. England was out. I said, oh, I might have been fucking with you. I said at some point, i wonder if gibraltar is going to be nuts for the final on tuesday which i wasn't thinking i think this is right before we actually took mushrooms uh and you said what's the final i said italy spain tuesday which why is there a final scheduled for a tuesday that's stupid, right? On my part, on my part. And then you said,

I probably won't get there until it's over. And I said, England went far beating Germany, but didn't advance, I believe, which I was wrong. You're totally right. I don't know why you're trying.

Like, I already admitted this was bad, but I did have a very good, I had a very good barbecue day. Yeah, but today you told me that i go who won last night because i went into cerical dreams which were fucking outrageous like hard to bounce back from the detail and the length of the the and i said who won and you said oh it's tied it's tied. They tied. That was today. So not only did you say you were fucking with me about England. Are you going?

Keep reading your text. No, I'm looking for it because, yeah, you really fucking laid into me good on this one. I said, fuck, I don't see that. You just came at me fucking, you're a numbskull and a false prophet. England is still in it and could end up Spain versus England, and I'm at the DMZ. I have nothing between that and England went far beating Germany but didn't advance.

So there's nothing between that. But you said you were fucking with me. No, I said perhaps you are a Rube. What final match is played on a Tuesday? Just count the number of wooden nickels in your pocket, meaning you're a Rube. Meaning I'm a Rube that I believed you, is how I read that.

Wow. Well, I had to fight back, Brian. He was coming at me hard. And then all this other stuff, I was just trying to somehow throw some kind of defense, which it's indefensible. Sounds like somebody got served. Yes. Well, actually, I did the same thing to Brian when I went downstairs to see what the hotel bar was like with England. And it was a bunch of fucking England people watching the game.

I'm like, I'm not ordering a drink down here because I'm rooting for Denmark. And we're up 1-0. And as soon as I went to go back up the stairs, I heard from the bar cheers. And I told Brian that. And he goes, oh, they scored a goal on themselves. No! No! No! I paused it. I'm not watching it.

Yeah, no. You're telling me England's out. England won. Unless Brian wants to throw any false information towards you. You can tell I'm not in a good mood. It's one to

one right now and i didn't know how they were going to win and now well anyway uh tracy just showed me uh it looks like what was that italy and italy and spain it said one to one she read it wrong because it says one to one but then underneath it on the app it says four to two in penalties so by the way you have to find it the winning italian penalty is one of the greatest penalties of all time it is fantastic yeah i'll tune in because i got nothing to watch here. It's so cheeky and precise. It's amazing. You're talking about Italy? Yeah. Chaley, even if you know the outcome,

watch the bullshit call for fucking in Harry Kane's favor at the end. It's fucking embarrassing. Wait, which game? The England game. It's about to happen. We're at 93 minutes right now with six minutes of extra time. Oh, no, no.

You have to sit through the fucking extra time. No, I'm going to. I'm going to rewind this thing anyway. Whatever. Yeah, they won on bullshit. Well, I apologize. I didn't mean to throw anyone off. I've had a bit of a drinky, mushroomy

weekend, and I'm still standing, motherfucker. Randall just got here. Let's see how that goes. Is Bingo still there? No, she cut out. They're getting things ready. I don't know what's going to happen tonight,

but I'm glad I'm drinking. She told me 12 hours ago, Randall's going gonna be here any minute yeah he was he fucking he road dogged it he he started uh driving he went home to to onto the east coast for fourth of july when he was supposed to be here and they got back and i thought well he'll be flying in we'll probably get a call if he can't get a rental car and it's like like, no, he's fucking, he hit the ground and started driving from Dallas. So I don't know what the fuck is going on. I can't wait to hear the story because yeah, last night he goes,

I'm going to be at six in the morning. I go, stop, get a hotel or sleep in your fucking car. No one's going to get up at six in the morning when you get here. Turns out Tarek did so they could talk gear over at the fucking studio. Get it out of your system, boys. It's very late here and I'm probably keeping up neighbors. No. Thanks for checking

in. Nice to see you, Brian. Nice to see you all. All right. Monkey. Of course we do. Hello. Hello. Hello. Can the monkey do our, our bingo sign out?

Oh, hold on. Okay. Bye. Bye. Close enough. Okay. Bye.

Bye. Okay girl, bye bye! សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.