The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#454: Off The Rock

Episode Date: July 18, 2021

Doug is back in Bisbee and the reality of going back on the road sets in. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded July 17th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Dave Raider (@davidraider), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello, listeners. Did we have a week off? Did you just... Or did we have something to...

I think we missed a week while I... No, this is going out late. All right. I just got back yesterday. Yeah, but I... It's just... missed a week while i know this is going out late all right i just got back yesterday yeah but i it just it didn't seem like i was gone that long but when i did the math like fuck yes and we only did one podcast so we're it's going out what a week late so we missed a week no we'll still get it in by yeah we'll still get in there it doesn matter. I'm just glad to reconnect with my listeners.

I missed you. I looked for you all over Gibraltar. Only once was I recognized, and it was by an old, somewhat toothless Spaniard man who was sitting at a taxi stand where he must have either worked or loitered because he wasn't waiting for a taxi stand where he must have either worked or loitered because he wasn't waiting for a taxi. I got my taxi. I actually went to the top of the rock

on the last day. I had like an hour and a half before checkout. I said, can I do that? I didn't do anything in Gibraltar. I sat in my room, which is great. That's what I wanted to do. Or the smoking patio bar of the hotel. And I read a lot of books. But a guy said I was suited up because I was ready to leave.

But I go, oh, I can go get to the top of the rock, fucking take some pictures, get to the bottom of the rock, get back here in time. How do you get to the top of the rock fucking take some pictures get to the bottom of the rock get back here in time how do you get to the top of the rock you take a taxi to a cable car what do you call it yeah tram gondola gondola yeah yeah fucking scary thing a scary thing that goes up i was explaining to them like the to the the rock goes like where my hotel was, just straight up. Imagine if you got through the tunnel to Bisbee, and then it dropped directly down to the gulch. Yeah. Like that straight.

So, yeah, you take a gondola, and it's scary as fuck. And I just kept going, this is what we do in our dreams. This is what we do. I can fly. I can fly. And he's like, I know you because I was wearing a suit.

Have you been on the telly? And I said, here and again, are you a pop pop singer oh he does know you i said no no i'm a stand-up comedian and he said oh yes you're on the and he mispronounced news wipe but i go charlie brooker yes the news time or whatever so yeah evident, evidently. Yeah, that was the only,

and I was the only, the fucking week I was there, the only American. And I asked the taxi driver, he said, oh,

where are you from? I said, Arizona. Oh, you're American. He said, yeah, we don't,

we don't, we don't, we don't, never get Americans over here. I go, it makes sense because none of my

American friends even know where the fuck Gibraltar is. Or they thought it was an island. Like, I thought it was an island. Yeah, I just talked to someone. I go, yeah, I looked it up online. It's a beautiful island. I go, no, it's a peninsula.

I think everyone thinks it's an island because you refer to it as the rock. Yeah. Alcatraz is the rock. Yeah. And it's an island. Okinawa, they called the rock yeah alcatraz alcatraz is the rock yeah and it's an island okinawa they called the rock when i played there yeah uh yeah so uh that was uh i don't yeah i don't have no fucking story i read some good books i can give you uh i read the Last Gunfight based on Michael Bean's recommendation about Tombstone. I read Tombstone based on Michael Bean's recommendation. He said there's two great books.

Rader read one. I'm here with Tracy and Rader and Chaley. And we both read them, and fucking Bean will go on, not just interminably, but passionately about fuck the Earps and Ike Clanton's gang wasn't bad. And we both read these books that are supposed to back it up. And you go, all right, I can see where the Earps are overrated. But yeah, the fucking Clanton cunts were, yeah, a bunch of fucking gulch rats, I think they call them here now, without the tweak. Yeah, not quite as black and white as the movies or the lore that we've all been made to believe. But definitely they paint the Earps in a far better light than the Clantons and the McGlorys, no doubt.

Yeah, but the book was fucking fantastic. And both Rader and I agreed we learned more about Cochise County where we live than I've learned in 16 years of living here. I don't know which are the dragoons

and which are the mule mountains. So yeah, we learned a lot about our own history. And, yeah, really good fucking books. Are you going to hit them up about that? We did yesterday. I drank early yesterday, and that's the thing. That fucking, like, it was a beautiful six days of pretty much staying in the hotel and reading and not having fucking meat wig at five in the morning.

Although I did have seagulls that sounded just like a thousand meat wigs, but they weren't needy. They were just loud. But they weren't needy. They were just loud. But just the travel parts of it were exhausting. It took me fucking a couple days to get my feet set while I was there. And then coming back, I've been fucked. It was two nights in a row that I was going to bed at like four in the afternoon and waking up at 11 PM. And I,

I, yeah, it was a nice vacation and it was relaxing, but now it takes just as much time to, you know, get my feet back on the ground here. And I don't think you still are. Right.

Cause you said last night you had to, you had an edible answer. Well, and you still, I forgot. I had that edible in the afternoon. Greater. Oh, wait, you, you aren forgot I had that edible in the afternoon, Raider. What?

Oh, wait, you weren't even here. At three in the afternoon, I always check when I took an edible and immediately forget I took an edible. So when I went to bed, I took a Syracul around seven to get a full fucking 12 hours of sleep. And I woke up at 2 a.m. hungry as fuck. And I could barely see. My eyes are all gunky from my eye mask and sweating.

But I was determined to cook. I go, I don't know. I'll start with an English muffin and while that's toasting, I'll find other things. Oh, I'll make tacos finally. And then I started cooking up taco meat and then the English muffin was about to be done. I go, ah, I should have just had a cheeseburger.

Alright, I'll put cheese on top of the taco meat and scoop it onto the English muffin and have a cheeseburger taco muffin. Melt. Melt. It was fucking gorgeous. But then I did get back to sleep. So yeah, I'm back on a bit of a schedule.

Yeah. All right. I started 18 stories. Oh, the other book. I asked you if you were going to talk, if you talked to Bean about reading those books. And you said, yeah, yeah. We fucked with him yesterday. That was two days ago.

Was that two days ago? Yesterday we did crosswords. Two days ago, you were drinking since 1030 the night before. No, it wasn't. No, I'd been up since 1030.

Oh, yeah. I only started drinking at 1am. Yeah, I started drinking at like 1. Happy hour, you told me. Yeah.

You said it's a happy hour. Because I don't sleep. It's an hour somewhere. And then I thought, oh, I'll push through. And go to bed at a reasonable hour. If I could just, and I couldn't push through. I fell down about four in the afternoon. And that was after that.

Yeah. Nine hours of drinking. Yeah. That failed. Getting old. That failed. Getting old. So yeah, we fucked with Bean.

And then, like, I don't see why you think... Wait, are you saying the clans were... And when he started taking it seriously, I just started ramping up the fucking with him. Like, yeah, no, it's a fucking rotten dirty are you fucking all right now you're fucking i forget what i was saying to him but i think he was legit pissed why i told you after i read my book i said i think he recommended the wrong book because this it's still on the side of doc holiday in the europe's it's not that bad and i've wanted to talk to him ever since but he just i haven seen him. So I know he's listening to this.

He'll be back Monday. All right. Well, Michael, we need to talk about the books that you recommend. I have to fucking talk to Gretchen Bonaduce because Eddie Munster was supposed to be on the podcast. But now that I, when I went back through, I was in Gibraltar when she said, well, he's getting in Friday night at seven and you guys were maybe not going to be back in time. And I hadn't heard, I told her, I have to wait to see what the Chaley's plans are. Cause yesterday was Friday. And then, uh, I texted her when I didn't, I go, I don't think the Chaley's are going to be back in time.

And then today she's like, okay, well, thanks for letting me know. Are you guys coming to the, she's having a party. I think it's like Halloween in July. And then Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick coming in. And then when I look back, that's not till the end of July. So I think she was saying he's coming in the Friday before the party, not yesterday yesterday Friday. So maybe we have Butch Patrick on in a couple of weeks.

Maybe we don't. I have to. She's very hard to communicate with. She calls me a lot thinking I'm some other Doug that's in her phone that does alterations or something. We'll take 20ats. I've seen texts like that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It would make sense that halfway to Halloween would be on the 31st of July, right? No, no, not really. But the 31st. Yeah, that would be like the 31st of April. But the point is, yeah, she's like me.

I don't fucking walk around with my phone. When I get an email, I don't get a notification. I get my emails when I decide to check them. And then I don't, if it seems like something I have to deal with right now, and I don't want to deal with it, I don't fucking read the email. So at times I go, I should check my unread emails, which is very rare. And if I check a text message, especially if I'm drinking, then I, it's not, you can't, like, and if you don't check it, then it just gets fucking buried under the ones you did check and then i never think to check unread text messages anyway maybe we have butch patrick

gone there's a tease The Stand. It's not The Stand. That's a completely different book. Stand is Catherine Bertine's latest book, which I completely intended to skim because it's just... i told her this yeah the whole women's equality thing i yeah i get it but i think it's get it yeah but when you're like you're so I mean, you think I have a niche fan base when your fight is for women's equality in cycling. Nobody watches cycling.

What fucking psychopath watches cycling? What guy has no other channels other than women's or men's cycling? It's still cycling. And this is where you're... It's not even a hill to die on. It's a valley or an arroyo, which is a word I learned from doing crossword puzzles. The book, it's available on Amazon. It's Stand, a memoir on activism, a manual for progress.

What really happens when we stand on the front lines of change. It's everything that you go. There's no fucking possible way. This is interesting. And it was fucking fantastic. And I liken it to because I've had, you know, bingo who fucking hate sports. it to because i've had uh you know bingo who fucking hates sports but a good 30 for 30 yeah is you know they're all sports related but that's not necessarily the story and her book was so fucking good it was just like f1 the reason we watch f1 is the reality show on Netflix, the series Drive to Survive.

And once you're in the inner workings of all this fucking bullshit, I'm like, wow, this is a fantastic 30 for 30. So, yeah, Get Stand by Catherine Bertine. You must remember the Bertine that made me ride bicycles for a week and I called it a fucking my year of triumph. Yeah, so the Gamblers won an Audible book. I think like seven books, like three hardcovers and four Audibles in six days. And I read

a Reason magazine back to front. I don't think I've ever read a magazine literally back to front. Like the whole thing? Yeah, every article. Like at one time? Yeah, that was on the plane ride out and yeah, right

beside it was a fucking napkin full of notes. Yeah, Reason is about the only you know news media I can read that doesn't go alright this is bullshit this is tainted this is leaning

towards a yeah there's a fuck you know the Bush fuck Biden articles right fuck, you know, Bush, fuck, Biden articles right next to each other that are not necessarily about the people, but just, yeah, it's... What? He meant Trump.

Bush and Biden. Whatever. It's all the same shit. Maybe it was an old issue. Yeah, man. It's just, same shit. It's just getting fucking... Maybe it was an old issue. It doesn't matter, man. They're fucking... It's just... It's not different. It's just how much they turn up the volume.

How about you, Greg Chaley? Tell me about your vacation. Well, I mean, just... How about fuck Expedia, first of all? how about fuck Expedia first of all yeah fuck Expedia we hung around here

for a while and then we were we had two days three days we were gonna take off and go to Palm Springs because we have a

place we like to go to when it's unbearably hot out there which is great because there's no Jersey Shore kids puking by the pool

although there was puke next to Tracy's lounger definitely at the pool it's all nice andke next to Tracy's lounger. Definitely. At the pool. It was all nice and dried up. She's like, look at this right here.

And I look over. I thought maybe it was a bug or a butterfly. I'm like, oh, geez. What happened? What? Chunky. It was like just someone. Yeah.

It was just Ralph. And it just baked in the sun on the pool deck for a while. Half-baked Ralph. Two minutes later. Half-baked Ralph two minutes later. Half-baked Ralph. So, but we go out there because there's nobody there. And

we're 30 minutes out from, from our destination at the end of the strip. And it's got a tiki bar. It's got the,

one of the, it's got the second biggest pool. Is that, is that this tiki the one of the it's got the second biggest pool is that is that this yeah he's got the second biggest pool in palm springs in a resort right and it's old is built in like 57 or something like that it's great rat pack used to stay there and i go you know it'd be funny is if the pool is closed we didn't even check it's the off season that's a lot of time they work on stuff and then it'd be funnier even if they said but it'll be As if the pool is closed. We didn't even check. It's the off season. That's a lot of time they work on stuff. And then it'd be funnier even if they said, but it'll be open on Friday when we leave.

We pull in. That's exactly what she said. Oh, you didn't get my voicemail? She goes, voicemail? I looked. I got the voicemail. We were 380 miles from home by the time I got the voicemail. It was that morning. Right?

So I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. You're right. I want a refund because I'm not staying in Palm Springs at a place with no pool. I can stay at home with no pool. And then, yeah. That's almost like saying, oh, our AC is off for the summer when it averages 112 during the day. But, you know...

Toilet paper, problem. You go there and it's like, oh, man. And we don't let you import your own. Yeah, no corketry. own yeah no he's got no corketry you think it's gonna be like like you think that there's no jersey short types there's you know the young kids aren't there and then you gotta remember locals locals go to these places too and they like tracy's looking going wow they they're locals because there's no way any of these kids are old enough to rent a car. I mean, that's what it was like.

And they had kids with them. So these are like 20-somethings with kids. And I'm going, this is the adult pool. There's two separate pools in this place. That's how awesome it is. We're at the adult pool. And then we've got diaper swimmers. And that is why I'm gone.

Diaper swimmers. That's why we stopped going to Wild Horse Pass Casino. I remember open mic days or a little bit past that, but still, young comic saying, look, you fucking get a kid with a diaper in the pool. If it doesn't know how not to shit its pants, it doesn't know to not shit the pool. Fucking diaper is not airtight. I just want to go to the edge of the pool and then like rig it so like so my nose starts bleeding and then dive in and go, hey, we're even. It's so fucked up, man.

That was one of the things I did notice about the pool in Gibraltar was there's no fucking kids here. There's no fucking – nobody's got a baby. I ate sushi today and there's people with fucking... Again, there's three places babies don't belong for sure.

First class, had that happen. Sushi and Vegas. There's a three... I mean, there's a lot of places they don't... The adult pool. But those are, yeah. Yeah. A pool.

Yeah. If it's wearing a diaper. There's two pools. One for families and one for adults. And we've got fucking four kids swimming around in there. Yeah, that was vaccine. But, you know, it was great. We had a good time.

And I canceled the other two podcasts that I was doing because it was just going to be me doing podcasts during the day in Palm Springs and I was so stressed out that I'm like

fuck this I'm not doing it and as soon as I cancelled why don't you do that around here you'd be so stressed out from not doing podcasts

you'd do more projects but the thing you just fucking built was perfect yeah it was really great so yeah we had a good time and we extended it to spend an extra day in Phoenix to get some stuff done for the end of the month show. Brett Erickson is doing some shows in Tucson and Phoenix.

And we'll have... Yes, our spot. Our spot has become our new spot. I don't know... What's it called? The new name of... Bumsteads. Bumsteads.

Bumsteads at Bumsteads. Wonderwall at Bumsteads. But yeah, that's my best Western. That's why there's best Western shit all over the fucking fence and best Western vintage ashtrays around the house the best western became my delta of motels or hotels because that's where i wrote most of my book and smoked in the room a lot i even gave the they they yelled at me so often about smoking that i

brought them vintage best western ashtrays. Speaking of Kelly, and I already had one of these, but she sent me Kelly Kelly's Treasures sent me a Stanhope Hotel vintage ashtray. Stanhope Hotel is

in New York City. Yeah, I found one years ago on eBay, and she sent me another, which is great because... Is there only one you know of? It sounds like it might be. Well, no, there's a Stanhope House, Home of the Blues in Stanhope, New Jersey.

Yeah. My brother actually, he didn't play there. He was managing a blues band. someone that was i don't i forget the name but they played there and later on like i tried to get a gig there and they would never return my emails it's a it's a bar that like we would work so yeah probably no seats but it's a i would play the stanhope house home of the blues just to play there and then fucking rich voss i saw he was playing there so they do comedy they just didn't want you well no then he goes yeah i can get you in there and then they just didn't how it never

worked out like i think they got a hold of me. It's probably some kind of booker, you know, the guys that don't know how to use the fucking internet. Or you show up and you go, have you printed off the brown paper tickets list? And they go, printer? What's a printer? They're like me. They're as bad as me at running a bar. We're looking at you, Dan.

No, no, it's not even Dan. Are you talking about Peoria? Well, Dan, we went there. He's like, yeah, I don't have any paper. Where was the place where they fucking, you had to actually leave? I think it was the place where Rob Dukes had to be the bouncer. Albany. Yeah, didn't you have to leave there and go to like some,

was someplace like that where you had to go drive to someone's apartment and fucking use their printer the last minute? There was a time when just figuring out, like I would go, I actually started traveling with a printer because it was easier to just print things out. Because when you go to the gig, they say we're printers down, networks down. We can't get online to brown paper tickets to print the thing. So it's just easier to show up at the end. And yeah, we've done stuff like, I can't remember that one specifically, but there's been stuff like that.

Yeah. No, it can't remember that one specifically, but there's been stuff like that. Yeah, no, it wasn't there. Trying to go through a rolodex of fucking 31 years of shit gigs. I should just go back to saying 30 years because this year didn't happen. You got a year off. That's true. Yes. Year plus, but I would have taken those

extra four months off anyway. So, yeah, the year that didn't happen. We've been debating the whole fucking merch situation after these shows. Now that COVID's over, except for, oh, the guy that died in town yesterday at 47 years old. Oh, there goes. What? Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you were the one who told me this.

What? No. Shannon. Wait a minute. Shannon? Said to fucking someone? Just die? You're spitting this out in little spurts.

He's like, Shannon died? Yeah. What? No, no. Shannon said. Shannon's a 47-year-old man? Oh, no, dude. It's Jonathan that told us.

Yeah. Yeah. Our friend that works at the hospital said a fucking 47-year-old dude just died who'd already had both of his vaccines. Oh. And I don't want to be the fucking typhoid Mary that shakes every fucking hand at the merch booth or is just even exposed to everybody with a camera they can't figure out at the merch booth and then go on to another fucking hundreds of people and go, okay, I'll be the common denominator here. The Johnny Appleseed. Maybe we should go back to when i won't speak to anybody who's

even gone near you for two weeks like i did yeah but that was not for money that's for fun yeah you weren't you weren't here to not here to buy merch we figured we could do it just uh pre-sale before the show to like sell stuff but I don't know I thought it would be very funny and completely unworkable just to do it ridiculous in full hazmat suits

where you might not even know it's me underneath the gas mask and the fucking that movie with Dustin Hoffman Ebola outbreak mask and the fucking movie with Dustin Hoffman. Outbreak. Yeah, it's just a complete outbreak suit with the breathing

mask. You just fog it up. Yeah. Two little spots for his eyes to come through. At that point, you might as well have a cutout. We'll just take a picture of that. Me in that. Where you can't well have a cutout. We'll just take a picture of that. Me in that. Where you can't even tell it's me. Like the queen mother behind you.

Right, exactly. We could dress her up in a fucking hazmat suit. If they know it's fake, then... We could put one of your suits on one of my brother's dummies and just get your head cast. We could do that. We could get a fall guy. Like a wax museum.

Like any one of these gigs. We could have someone... Hey, I need someone 5'7 with a big head. We're going to dress you up, and then you're going to take pictures with people and learn how to forge my autograph in three easy steps. There you go. There you go. Oh, my God, perfect. Amazon has plenty of hazmats.

I'm sure Bigo has a few of those. You have hazmat suits on Asian children. No, these are extra large. Yeah, that would work. Yeah. But think of all the great stories I'll miss at the merch booth. Oh, yeah. but think of all the great stories I'll miss at the merch booth. Oh, yeah.

I've been waiting for you to come to Cheyenne for so long. God damn it. This is going to be our first time back. I think we do have Cheyenne on the list. I just got a notice today that they're adding a second date in Philly, second date in Phoenix, today that they're adding a second date in Philly, second date in Phoenix, and I've also

been notified to add Indy and Missoula. So stuff's coming in every week. I've been updating it. Hennigan's working really hard. Yeah. That'll work for a year and a half.

Yeah, no shit. Well, we all have, Brian. You're not the only one. We're in the room. We're in the room of the unemployed. Speaking of making no money, hey, make sure you jump on that fucking... I don't even want to...

I don't even know where you're going. Bingo's Airbnb. Oh, God. I got a credit card bill. You got a what? A credit card bill. Oh. You know how Bingo prepares for things?

Yeah, that... With a credit card? That Airbnb must have a lot of fucking brand new towels, sheets, roof, chimney, fireplace to go with the chimney. I don't know what the fuck. Oh, my God. Bingo. We have no income. Everything I do fails.

I'm like, no, no. You just have to look at a price tag sometimes. Jesus. I don't know what you're buying. I mean, I just- Place looks great. I don't know if you've gone over there and toured it since- Yeah, no, it looks great.

I'm just saying this. I don't know what you're buying. The Ming Boz is a nice touch. I hope nothing happens to it. Well, you buy two in case something happens to one. On the company card, I think we were about

less than a quarter of what was spent on it. Oh, yeah. I mean, we're also not traveling. Usually that company card is for road expenses. I've been traveling. Actually, no, it's the wrong company card

now. It's a different company now that Delta is back in business and I need that fucking mileage. I need that fucking those MQMs, god damn it. Gibraltar? I say glad it's off the bucket list. Beautiful weather, nice town.

I walked around for a minute. One day I walked for like an hour and a half to find a different breakfast when I was just there. And then I go wow at the end I haven't even seen the town so I took that cab to go to the bottom of the gondola and your last day yeah the whole drive I realized

oh I already walked this entire place it's 2.6 square miles the entire fucking territory or province you were on the other side of like the town was on one side of the peak of the rock and your hotel province. You were on the other side of like the town was on one side of the peak of the rock and your hotel was on the face of the other side from what I could tell. Yeah it's like

if it's a peninsula the town is at the bottom. It's a peninsula the size of Bisbee. If you are a Patreon member then you would see all this because I posted a lot of pictures. Oh yeah if you're a Patreon member you could also use Google for free. If you sign up for Patreon, you get a free pass to look up Gibraltar on Google.

Great subscription to Google. Yep. Wow. That's worth it. We posted a video podcast. But then Google charges you every month if you don't cancel it. You got to remember, 14 days, not a month. It's a month in Gibraltar.

It's a thousand furlongs long. Oh, my God. I'm so glad to be home that i think it's like uh being home now where we're just a matter of weeks from the road feels like stage four cancer where you go i should just enjoy it while it lasts because the inevitable is coming there's a dark cloud looming over me. It's called the road. But at the same time, I think maybe the road is the thing

that will save my mental health. Let's go segue right into betterhelp.com. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Check out betterhelp.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. Life is full of stressors. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have. Your life is probably stressful.

Have you lost your tit? Do you think COVID's over, but my mental illness isn't? Is there a vaccination for this? Is there anybody I can talk to? I have to go back on the road and I need someone to riff my bits past. I should get my BetterHelp therapist to just listen to my bits and say, is this funny or is this a cry for help? I'll let you decide because BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.

I don't like to see my own ugly face. It fucks up all the other problems that I'm calling to talk about. Oh, wait, now it's just my face. I was about to kill a guy who didn't wave at me on the street and now I'm just consumed with how stupid my teeth look. It's more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. That is less time than it takes to get a gun. 72 hours. Unload the stressors and get some unbiased feedback. Wait, I'm going to just call them out on the canvas, unbiasedased what if all of a sudden you get a better help therapist and you go mom david i don't that would be weird though all right like yeah it's they're unbiased but what

if that happened you know that would make like the kooky news oh a guy says i'm uh calling because i'm suicidal uh betterhelp.com because i don't know who my mother is and they go david is that you you were stolen by gypsies we can't call them gypsies anymore probably we'll get fired for that uh dingoes let's change it to dingoes. Let's change it to dingoes. You know what? There's no racism with fucking feral animals. You'd be pretty surprised at what you might gain from it. This BetterHelp. See if it's for you. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Doug Stanhope podcast listeners. Get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, B-E-T-T-E-R-E-H-L-P. I'm sorry. I have not talked to my therapist about my dyslexia-ism. BetterHelp, B-E-T therapist about my dyslexia-ism. Better help. B-E-T-T-T-E-R. I know you tell me to fucking do this when I'm the soberer part of me, but I think it's funnier when I do it this way. All right, I'll do this straight.

Just read that last line. That's all you got to do. You know what? I'm going to read it. I'm going to read them both. I'm going to read it straight now, and I want you to leave it all in what? I'm going to read it. I'm going to read them both. I'm going to read it straight now and I want you to leave it all in and I'm going to put up a Twitter poll. Did you like where I fucked it up more? Didn't Bill Burr set a bar for fucking it up where it's funnier? Jams. I'm living in someone else's shadow. Oh wait, he lost his sponsorships.

Let me do it straight. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Doug Stanhope podcast listeners get 10% off the first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. That's betterhelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H. There's no reason for it. They know how to spell better. That's betterhelp.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. And I also want to mention Tasty Cakes. What's this fucking guy's name? griffey jr i don't know

zach griffey sent us a lot of tasty cakes k with uh two k's which is as many are as acceptable in a name brand. There's only, you can't put more than two or less than 4Ks. I was going to ask if they were a sponsor, because the listener is not going to see this, obviously, but there's literally a wall of sugary treats between us right now. Yeah, and they look like, he's like, I'm from Philly. Oh, but that was another guy. Someone put, you know, sometimes people mail us stuff at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Other times people just stop by and they'll drop off some shit, you know, in front of the gate or inside the gate or inside the mailbox.

Hey, I was coming through town. Didn't want to bother you. Here's a jug of pop-up vodka and some smokes, et cetera. This guy left the inside of a pizza box where he had written, hey, Doug, my name is so-and-so. I work at a pizza place in Syracuse, New York. Call me, 315 area code blah blah blah. P.S.

I was also homeschooled. On a giant pizza box. And he just shoved that in the mailbox like a letter as he drove by. Wait. There was nothing else? There was no pizza? Well, first of all, all no it was just the torn off top of a pizza box which i didn't even like see the back of it till after i read it

i work at a pizza place also i was homeschooled okay he jams that into our mailbox and uh i didn't call i didn't call that number Sam's dad into our mailbox. And I didn't call. I didn't call that number. But that guy's in town. Oh, he's in town. All right. Well, yeah, he didn't mail it. Well, I mean, I thought he did, and then he left it.

He left the message was for you to contact him so you could have a drink over it. He didn't say anything other than he just hoped i'd call i guess he just all i left out of that was the phone number after the 315 because i did not memorize that the point being if he came from syracuse new york with p that means he either traveled with pizza boxes on a plane or drove 3,000 miles. He could be going somewhere and passing through. A lot of people do. But did he, like, I don't know if you've watched Heist on Netflix yet, but is he, like, on the lam where he couldn't, like, he's driving the same car he delivers pizzas in.

So he has pizza boxes in his car still. I don't know. I don't remember his name. He gave you the clue of the pizza boxes. Yeah, the clue was. And then he gave you a number to find out what really happened. Yeah, let's move. He just gave out the address again.

212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona. Speaking of which, can I do a quick thank you? Send it to us. I owe somebody a thank you. I got my first piece of official fan mail from Tom Wetzel who sent me Fun with Pedophiles. This is going back like

two months or something like that. I haven't been on the podcast, but along with a very funny note. But Tom, thank you. I'm sorry I'm late, but thank you. I loved it. I appreciate it. You loved the book? I loved the book. So that's really more of a thank you to me. Yeah. You didn't buy me the book. Misdirected.

That hurts a little bit. Why did he send the tasty cakes? Go back. It says Philly. Please enjoy these fat snacks from Why did he send the Tasty Cakes? Go back. It says Philly. I mean, I... Please enjoy these fat snacks from Philly. So it must be a Philly-specific thing, Tasty Cakes. No, they sell them everywhere now.

But I think it was the East Coast, Midwest thing. You've seen these before? Yeah, yeah. These look like, you know, bimbos. Bimbos. Oh, yeah. Yeah, really shitty, south-of-the south of the border Central American fucking awful candy. Yeah, this looks like that.

This looks like something you would get at Big Lots that just didn't take off. They proudly support the USO. Well, that's what we need, fat troops. There's a lot of them. It's been around. He had a weird PS. He says, these were supposed to go to Keith Carey, but he never gave me his address. And I don't want them to go bad, but you're Olivia adjacent.

So close enough. No idea what that means. Yeah. Olivia Grace? Well, what other Olivia is there? Olivia Jason. Well, she lives near us. So weird.

I think she might be losing her shit. Oh, she was down while I was gone. Oh, wait, you were gone while she was here while we were gone. She came out for a while you ever feel like like when when we're both gone when the chalice aren't here and uh uh i'm not here at the same time then you're just like oh bingo you know she would text me i fed the pets i fed them everyone got fed you're like yeah but what's what what else is going like

things were cleaned up inside the house and outside the house that i like did something go so seriously bad here because only chaley does that kind of fucking organizing. Did that last for the whole time that I was gone? Or did something go so horribly bad that there was a crime scene cleanup that happened because Bingo was left alone and your buddy Randolph, or Randall,

no one knows. He's like Justin Jason. No one knows. Yeah. I've only seen him once. He's in the fucking guest house. Yeah. He was staying here while we were gone. Yeah, but he's been staying here since. But there's no evidence of a car.

So one time I went in to get some fucking frozen dog meat. Henry's on meat now at this point. She's kind of on the Ichabod diet. Yeah. She won't eat fucking dog food anymore, so I have to cook for her. Another reason I'm fucking fretting going on the road.

Alright, who's going to cook for the dog? I can get someone to feed the dog, but now that she won't eat dog food anymore, who's going to be a chef for the dog? Backdoor could do it four days a week.

Anyway, yeah. I can't wait to get back on the fucking road. I don't care. I know that I have no act half my day. I think, no, not only do I not have an act, I've never had an act and I never will

have an act. Hey, She had an act, and I never will have an act. Hey, Shelly, where can you buy tickets? That doesn't discourage anyone. No shit. Doug saying that does not discourage anyone. I've never not thought that for more than two years in my career. Like, there's never been any length of time in 30 years where there was not a period of time where you go, this is all a lark. I have nothing to say.

I don't know why anything I said was funny. I just, yeah, but now I don't care. I'll fucking, I'm going to, I'll Burt Kreischer it half the time. I'll take off my shirt. I'll let people do fucking body shots out of my ass cheeks. We'll all have a good time. People do fucking body shots out of my ass cheeks. We'll all have a good time as long as I'm the fuck out of here and away from my paranoias and neuroses. And yeah, I get like all sorts of shit where you go.

I think, yeah, well, that's not mental illness. That's just me being me. Like, oh, yeah, no, I need geographical cures. We need to get the fuck out of this place and onto the next place. And in the morning, if it goes poorly, we're onto the next place still. And that's how I fucking live. I was going to say furtively, but that's not the right word, is it, Tracy? No. Furtive. What does that word mean?

Slyly? No. Undercover. Well, you know, go ahead, Jim Norton. Just text through the whole podcast, Opie and Anthony. I'm looking up furtively. Fucking Norton. Every time you do Opie and Anthony, he was just as funny as he always is,

but he was never paying attention. He was funnier than the entire show, and the whole time he's texting. And knowing Norton, you just assume he's texting a hooker with either a real penis that she doesn't want or a fake penis that he is paying extra for. And then still being part of the conversation and then rifling in the most beautiful lines. And then right back to text messaging. Like, you're not there. Where were we? I was going to say I'm about three, four chapters away from finishing that comedy seller book.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to get him on the podcast. That is so weird. that comedy seller book. Oh, yeah. I want to get him on the podcast. That is so weird. Andrew Harkinson. Reading it. Nice one. Reading it backwards, the way it's set up. It was a little weird at first, but then I kind of got in the groove.

It's good. I told you, when it gets to the alligator, that's when working backwards is really the funniest. Yeah, yeah. It's just one line. I knew where it was going, but it was still, yeah, it reminded me of that whole incident. I forgot about all that.

That's Sam Morrill that had the, oh, my God. Oh, my God. My failing memory. I think almost every time Bingo and I talk for more than a few hours, suicide comes up. It's every time my memory completely fails me. I go, yeah, yeah. It's an option.

We got it, baby. We'll get through this. There's nothing wrong in my life. But I'm constantly fucking miserable. There's something desperately needing to be done. There's something. I'm fucking losing it. What? Go to sushi.

Try to see your vista. Listen to the book on tape. Okay, good idea. But it doesn't last. Do you think it might be that you're used to not being here so often that you don't have those thoughts? That you're usually gone again? Especially, we're never here

in July this is great this is like the first monsoon that we've been around for the full the full month yeah do you think it's just that you're so used to being out on the road that like now you're getting that quietness that you it's that

that music going on in your head that just I have no idea I get fucking rampant bouts of paranoia. Everyone's against me. Everyone knows I'm not funny. They call that the imposter syndrome. Thank you. Or you go, all right, now it's kicking in. Because you don't.

Now it's kicking in because you don't. I don't know how much of it is, you know, the falseness, I hate to say, of being out and getting applause on the road. And you go, oh, okay, that one went okay. Like now you're just sitting for this long with your thoughts. And then after the vaccination, like now, well, I had an excuse up until now. I had that year off. That was like a given. That was like a freebie, a sabbatical, if you will,

brought to me by God in the form of a Wuhan flu. A Wuhan flu. And now I always feel like there's something I'm not doing. That's why I say, well, I want to talk to you. I want to set a fucking date. I want to do some prank calls. I want to make a schedule. Once we're back on the road where, all right, there's no choice.

You fucking wake up. We have this many hours to drive. Yeah, that should give me some kind of clarity. And I do want to have fun. I do want to, like, I mean, whatever I put together for sets, there's so much fucking anxiety and animosity, and you can feel people, no matter where you are traveling, that are just on the edge of snapping. We live in a town where you pass someone on the street driving,

and you wave, and they wave back. And that always refills you with hope. Like, okay, I'm in the right place. But if someone doesn't wave back, I want to fucking turn around and follow them to their carport and go, what the fuck is your fucking problem? You want to fucking die? Yeah, I got a gun. I don't have a gun but i bluff like i have a gun oh yay chad shank you're on speakerphone on the podcast because i was about

to bring you up and i go he says he has his gear up there but i'm not certainly not gonna bother you while you're shoveling your 90 year old grandparents fucking old fucking Model T out of the mud. What's up? Well, I appreciate it How much I was just gonna let you know that after we finished mucking everything out today Granny fell out would think from dehydration Go to the hospital. We're adding even more drama in, like there wasn't enough. You're so fucked.

Yeah, this is so hard. One of the hardest things about this is not, like, the physical labor is hard because I'm such a lazy fuck. so it's hard to work my ass off every day but i can do that but trying to convince 90 year old people that black mold exists and like they can't just live in their house the way it is it's so difficult oh you're on an episode of hoarders but they're hoarding mud they stayed in the house in the living room in their easy chair spot for the first two nights with their feet propped up on like a foot and a half of mud, just sleeping in their living room. Oh, my God.

Jesus. Fucking wild. So, anyways, I just thought I'd call and give you an update. You timed it perfectly because we were just about to bring that up. If I hadn't have already been morning drinking because mornings have been my evenings since I get back from Gibraltar, I would definitely drive up there right now and help out, but I would only do that because I've been drinking. And because I've been drinking, I can't drive to Globe to go help out.

Well, it's four hours from there, so you'd sober up and change your mind by the time you got here. It would suck. Yeah, we were just talking about that too. Everything that you think, oh, this is a great idea is going to suck in a few hours. Meaning the road, meaning how much I've loved being home. And now I can't wait to get on the road because I'm scared of home. And then when I get on the road, I'm going to love home.

And eventually I'm going to want to be in globe shoveling mud. Well, it's my new life now, I think. I just live at the El Rancho Hotel. With color television. And refrigeration. And I meet new and interesting people on my front porch every evening. I'm back. porch every evening.

I'm back. I'll let you go since it probably sounds like shit with me on the phone and I'm probably ruining the podcast. I'll talk to you guys later.

Not at all. We love you. Bye. I love you guys. Bye. I wonder if he's one of the guys with the barbecue

in the front of the El Rancho. Orange reflective vest and a fucking hibachi. And a 12-pack of fucking Strohs. Natural light. Hey, I want to mention the title of that book. It's

Don't Applaud, Either Laugh or Die by Andrew Harkinson. Harkinson. Hankinson. Hankinson. God damn it. I said it with such confidence the first time. I dropped the mic in my mind for remembering it right.

Yeah, it's a fantastic book. Stand. Catherine Bertine. That's the third in a series of three for Catherine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no. She's the third in a series of three for Catherine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, she's written a couple books. That's what it said on Amazon. There's three books written in that series. She's written other books. Oh, yeah. But in that series, and they were all about certain different things. And this one was about the activism.

And yeah, he finished. Tracy, you weren't here when he was talking about it. Yeah, no, it's a fucking, again, if it was a 30 for 30 episode, doesn't matter what the sport is, doesn't matter what the activism is, it's the fucking inside machinations of fucking people fucking people over. Wow. And, yeah, it was weird because I knew that she had a fucking accident. It's in the book, Crash.

But I didn't realize it was the same year and within a year of age of Bingo's traumatic brain injury, where they both went into fucking comas. comas both had about the same length of recovery uh and and the same funny stories of coming out of it uh but yeah yeah so it's a it's a pretty hardcore book with a lot of katherine bertine's silly fluff in it and then i was going to die. Hee hee hee. Too much optimism makes me more cynical.

And hopefully it continues that way. I can't wait to see you on the road. Hopefully we can just fucking keep the mood elevated and i i i i i'm attacking these fucking bits from so many angles where like i don't want to be like everybody is polarized to like like the word polarized isn't even strong enough. People, I'm hoping that you're better than I am expecting you to be. Because all you see anymore about real life is social media.

And I'm trying to stay off Twitter. I tweet stuff, but I try to not reply or look at responses. Like when I was in Gibraltar, okay, I'll send a picture, but I'm not going to fucking engage. Like the more I'm not on Twitter, the better I'm doing. So like, hey, where you been? I've been doing stuff. Even if it's fucking crossword puzzles or listening to an audible book or, or stretching my legs with the dog. I'm not on Twitter. I'm not like fighting battles.

So yeah. Yeah. Fucking show up at the shows, ready to meet your fucking neighbor. And if your neighbor's an anti-masker and you're a masker, yeah, figure it out. We're all there to fight.

We're not long for this stupid life just fucking let's get back to fun get back to meeting people that are alive and near you and not listening to fucking news or yeah where are the news we're bringing the news to you it might be fake news because i'm just making it up as i go but it'll be positive because we're bringing the news to you it might be fake news because i'm just making it up as i go but it'll be positive because we're all gonna die at the end remember yes so let's have a little bit of fun especially on this first tour because if you read the last book hennigan has not gotten back to me about getting a fucking hard copy of that book out. I said, by the way, anyway.

No encore for the donkey. Yes. No encore for the donkey. Yeah, we look forward to seeing you out there. Let's have some fun before we die. Okay, bye-bye now. Okay, bye-bye now. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពី�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.