The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#457: White Play-Doh and Writing High

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Doug has discovered some new ways of preparing for his upcoming tour. Also, a Bingo update. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Aug 2nd, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@Egglester),  and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast is it frog hopper what's that video game frogger frogger yeah that's what my brain is doing right now. This is so perfect, Greg Chaley. Thanks for taking a moment out of your editing to do this at the perfect time. Because the only podcast note I had written down while you were away on special operations. We should always talk on the podcast. Retraining. Weird code. It was retraining.

Yeah, no, no no it was special operations you had to do some kind of deep cover work for the corporation the baby has been shaken Greg Chaley thank you for your service the only podcast note I had written down was writing high because for a Haley's Comet moment I had the house to myself

completely for just a brief moment in time I think that lady sang. Well we were on special assignment. Yeah. It was a flash. Even fucking bingo got sent to a mental institution.

Every domino was falling my way. Dave Rader was out of town. He doesn't go out of town unless it's for a woman. And hopefully that trip to the Ukraine worked out for him. Well, he's got the paperwork in motion, I'm sure. So that first day, I took an edible, just knowing that there's nobody in the compound but me, which never happens.

You guys don't even, you're not even on the same side of the, you're in a separate, but just knowing you're there, I don't even jack off, but just the idea that fucking Chaley, like you did to me tonight while I was, again, writing high,

and instead of coming to any of the doors, you knocked on a window I couldn't see through that's right next to my head and fucking scared the shit out of me. I lost two of the best bits I would have written in that high moment. Because I scared the shit out of you. Yeah, it's got to be weird because it was dark on the patio and I was out in the window like creepy looking in and then the glow of the bug zapper

and then that sound of it zapping, sounding, you know. I usually walk up like I've got Frankenstein shoes on, like clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, but I didn't think about it. Sometimes people that know to just walk in knock and scare the fuck out of me. Why would you knock? Why wouldn't you just come in?

That's way creepier. But that day, I sat with that peace of knowing that I'm all by myself. and I was writing to a place where I had my legal pad writing out the idea I just thought of, but the ideas that are coming in that quickly, I had to have a second pad so I could jot over and jot down a bullet point for what I'm writing, I'm about to write coming up. And then I look back at the second pad.

It was eight hours, eight solid hours of not just writing, but enjoying writing to the point where I had an audience in my head, which is what has just been happening tonight while i'm high writing again like and i'm i i'm having comebacks i i get callbacks i'm doing crowd rap hecklers i'm dealing with them all this specific location or dialogue oh my god you're gonna remind me of the joke that i wrote for fucking cheyenne wyoming and then i i i anticipated i heard the the pause of ooze and then the applause of knowing and i'm like okay i will never fucking remember to do this in cheyenne wyoming because this is just this imaginary opening of my set like everything i'm going through is high writing, I think is a terrible thing. But we're going to find out.

Well, the audience is going to find out. We're just going to keep plowing through. Well, I'm not going to be high. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I love that your notepad had an assistant. Another notepad. Yeah assistant another notepad yeah it was fucking it's it's worked out i just can't remember how to consolidate shit like i'm writing stuff into my fucking

computer now which i never do but i'm like no i work off a legal pad so i'm writing it i'm doubling it down by writing it longhand in a legal pad. One of the things I'm like, oh, oh, that's a fucking funny. And I just riffed it to Tracy. Tracy is Tracy. Dave Raider's close. But of course, if you've read my book, you know, Tracy, there's no one better to write around because she does crosswords or looks at sheet music or knits coasters whatever she's doing she's there to fucking listen to you and go i shouldn't you say like that at best raiders good like that too uh but he has to go to bed early

before you're high he can't make an ad fashion fucking great audience fucking cheyenne is already a good audience but i'm having a little bit of trouble with a couple of you but i've shut you down like this is the problem did you ask any of them to leave the bouncer in your head he's all right he's all right i i look no i i riffed through this. Like, oh, that's a good. And I'm like, I should not write down opening lines. It's like when you first started writing. I'm writing spontaneous lines to an audience and a venue that I don't know.

But I said that and I go, you know what? I'm going to write that down anyway because I'm high. I should write everything down. When you're high in writing, write it all down and then pick through the sewage in the morning. It's like thrift store shopping. Yeah.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Half price, but still shit, shit, shit, shit. And occasionally, boom, I'm going to write that down. And she goes goes i hate to tell you um erickson opened with that almost verbatim line the other night at some unattended fucking thing so i just called erickson i said hey i explained that to him i go 25 bucks no i said i'm still using it because you know if a fucking tree falls alone in a forest. That is true.

I have a lot of gigs coming up. By the way, Cheyenne, get ready, Cheyenne, Wyoming, at Dillinger's on August 18th. You're going to get to see this one man show with 300 voices in his head. Yeah, no, that's the problem. Try to be recreated, not high. show with 300 voices in his head. Yeah, no, that's the problem. Recreated not high. The problem is the first time I wrote high when everyone was gone,

I was writing like, I'm doing this set like I'm riffing it. I just keep writing what would I continue to say? How does this segue in real time? And in the morning i go yeah there's not a lot of fucking closer here a lot of filler a lot of filler material but that's kind of what i want

to do is go out and just i'm not coming out with some fucking stark reality that i've been holding back from you now have some fucking fun that's what i want to do i want to chrysler it up a little bit sans the taking off of my shirt because my suits actually i packed a couple of suits that are a bit generic, and then I packed a fun one. I packed an anchor suit just in case I'm feeling a little frisky that night. Randolph was asking, wait, you guys are packing all this shit? Did you bring cigarettes? Oh, my fucking God. Hang on.

Do we have that emergency? If this was a real emergency. No, I got a bleep sound. That's. They heard it. You didn't. So Randolph was asking, he goes, because he said something about like he's still working with Tarek over at the studio and stuff. And I said, yeah, yeah.

Like tomorrow I'm going to, you know, Doug and I are going to like do our like at the studio and stuff. And I said, yeah, tomorrow, Doug and I are going to show our suits and everything, and how you already started packing. He's like, wait, you guys aren't leaving for like a week. I go, yeah, that's the normal for Doug, is to start getting things ready way in advance. And for me, it's not. I'm the night before,

but I'm committed to doing it now. We are in Tucson the night before but i'm i'm committed to doing it now we are in tucson the night before yes yes yeah yeah i already booked it and uh it's everything else is taken care of too for while we're gone so yeah we'll figure out bingo uh i guess this would be an update podcast for bingo she's uh she's doing better the facility, not good. She knows better than we do. Like I said, I'll get you out of there at any time.

They're not... Like the chopper out of Hanoi? Yeah. Like a guy that has a pro bono attorney. We're going to zip line you out of there, Bingo. We need you to be up in the tallest tree. She has asked, can you get a bulldozer? She has some funny moments. I'll save them for when she gets out.

She's saying, no, I still really need to wait for the med change. But in the meantime, they're denying blankets. Fucking inmate. Yeah, that is the right word. Inmate. Her friend. Oh, this was the best moment ever. Thank you. Anyone listening, Killer Termite, that's a a navy seal 16 kind of fucking designation but

just the general listener you have no idea how happy like tears this made me after days of her just being alone and not abused by the staff, but just, they're just shitty people that have shitty jobs that don't seem to realize those are sentient human beings that you're dealing with. A new intake came in, saw her and said, Oh my God,

you're bingo. Her and her husband are fans of bingo and i and she was bingo's calling me on the hallway fucking pay phone yeah you have no direct contact everything is through like is there they fucking we're looking for the girl with blue hair. She was upset one day because for arts and crafts, which is their fucking mental health care, just like Phoenix. Yeah. Oh, they were giving out small pieces of Play-Doh and they ran out right before they got to her. And she goes, no, I want Play-Doh. It was terrible Play-Doh and it was white.

I didn't even have a colored Play-Doh and I didn't get my Play-Doh. It was terrible Play-Doh and it was white. I didn't even have a colored Play-Doh and I didn't get my Play-Doh. When you buy a Play-Doh in bulk, white is cheaper. It's like t-shirts. All the Play-Doh comes in one. Any color as long as your color is white.

Henry Ford. You're buying so much, I would suggest the white. I mean, you're buying so much. I would suggest the white. You're buying for the state of Arizona. No, it's fucking brutal to listen to, but once I say, hey, we haven't gone social media. We haven't done anything because you don't want her state to get more miserable because someone caused a ruckus. She caused a ruckus today. They've been telling you, you have to take a shower.

You really have to wash your hair. Well, you know how gross we are. I mean, yeah, that's the one thing that, like the freedom of not being locked up is, I don't, there's maybe a month goes by and Bingo doesn't take a shower. And she likes comfort. Comfort, yes. Sorry.

And she bathes. She doesn't shower. Yeah, yeah. There has to. Oh, well, she. What happens there? This is what happened. Oh, my God.

She, well, Bingo and I are notorious for fucking not bathing or showering or so much as a whore bath and a fucking uh a triple j it's not even the right no flying j flying j this is how long i've been off the road. How long has it been since you've been off the road? Are you thinking of Triple T? No. The pilot in Sunset? No, it's whatever. That's what I thought he was talking about. The flying Jake. God damn it.

I am ill-equipped. That's why I started packing a week before. Because- You forgot? So Bingo warns them, oh, my blue hair, if I shower, it's's gonna be blue all over the shower it's gonna be turquoise and they won't believe me oh did they did we talk about the johnny depp thing on the last podcast um uh i think yeah yeah yeah because that's fun thated everything. And that's on Patreon only. So get on over to patreon.com slash steno podcast. Yeah, eventually they found not one, but several pictures of her with Johnny Depp.

So they cut her some slack as far as the crazy goes. So they took her out of the crazy Johnny Depp board. But they did not believe that her showering would ruin their fucking shower. So today she's like, I'm going to show up. I'm just, no, I'm going to show up. And she said it was like no one would believe on the ward how much she just ruined the fucking shower. So she goes, I don't know what to do.

I'm going to be in trouble. I go, no, you warn them. Go up and apologize to the desk. It's only like, oh, fuck, I forget that part. The new intake. Remind me where I was. No, we'll get back to you. You did start that, but you go into the shower.

So I said, just apologize and say I'm sorry, but I did tell you this would happen. And evidently, they went in and looked at the shower. And she goes, now no one on the ward believes me, just like Johnny Depp. So they had everyone. There's only a dozen people or so on the ward. March passed as they had the room door open and the shower door open. Evidently, it was just completely fucking turquoise, the entire thing.

But she said they did it in a funny way, which they don't seem to be. That's to their benefit. I mean, that's to their credit. She gets ward cred because it's like, oh, maybe all these other things. Maybe those knock-knock jokes are true. With Bingo, when she gets her hair dyed, she will go days before even washing it out. Right. So she could have had a very fresh eye in there.

Yeah. Down to her temples is blue. Her hands are blue from dying. Everything she put her head against. Yeah. And the other thing is is that when she does she takes a bath she doesn't take a shower and and a shower would vigorously like work out all the extra dye because after an hour or two no more is being soaked into

the hair i i don't tell her that because that's not going to change what she does. But that's just the physics of what's happening with the hair. And it is so funny because I'm like three days later, I'm like, you still see it all over her hairline? It's like, ah. Eddie Munster, who we missed. Yeah, how did that go? No, I was fucking in lockdown. Yeah, no, I didn't do any of that.

Eddie Munster came to business. No, I was fucking in lockdown. Well. Yeah, no, I didn't do any of that. Eddie must have came to business. So the fan that shows up. New intake. Yeah. Oh, you're bingo. She was on the pay phone next to bingo talking to her husband saying, oh, my God, you're not going to believe who I'm in a fucking 12 patient mental institution. Listen, I know I don't have a widespread fan base, much less name recognition. And bingo on the other side, like bingo to be in a fucking 12 person mental hospital

in Arizona as someone comes in and goes oh my god so I said switch phones I want to talk to her for a minute because they only get 10 minutes at best like yeah hey I can't believe I'm meeting you like this and my husband's not gonna and for the first time

in the first four days she was in I went alright at least... The new intake had been there before, so I'm like, all right, you know some of the ropes. And that new intake is not there right now

because she was wailing in agony overnight keeping the ward awake with a bowel obstruction that they would not give her uh they wouldn't send her to a hospital and bingo's going i don't know what to do and i was like tell her to call 9-1-1 she goes yeah i could do that i go no you don't do that tell her to do that you ruin the 9-1-1 because yeah the fucking cops aren't going to go, oh, we trust you.

Yeah. It's fucking so fucked up. And our person here at, I don't know, whatever they changed it to, it's not CIA anymore. If you listen to No Place Like Home, yeah, they changed the name. There's a few things in my career I can go, I think I was the catalyst for that change. And that's the, they changed it to a name I can't remember. C-H-A. That doesn't sound like surveillance.

Michelle, the local caseworker on point is fucking more infuriated than me or Bingo at the fucking lack.'re supposed to within 72 hours have like something set up for i was gonna say rejection for what she gets out yeah yeah the fucking removal protocol of when do we get her out of there what's when she's released yeah and they won't return her calls. They wouldn't return my calls. The last podcast, I was a lot more upset than I was the morning after. But now it turns out I was kind of right.

I remember overhearing when I walked in, you were having some kind of discussion about, well, whatever happened, I walked in and it was heated. And then you did the, look, Peter, I'm not mad at you. And I'm like, oh boy, this fever pitch. And now you're in the calm down. That's the problem. You can never find the person responsible, but we can. Well, actually, other people.

But I did reach out to other people that know how to do shit. And then the next day I go, bingo's got this. All right. Now I can communicate with her. I know what's up. It sucks. The entire system sucks. It's still as violently frustrating as it's ever been but bingo is i could

talk to bingo to know that she's dealing with it yeah she has to it's the old bit i used to do about uh pre-boarding airplanes cutting edge material back in those CD days. But, well, no, I was using it as an analogy. Alright, fucking why do I shit on myself before I have to? It was an analogy to something where I'm like, it's the

same way we pre-board airplanes where the slowest most encumbered people get to be the pace car and slow everybody else down. Why don't the fucking people in a wheelchair board last? They're sitting down. That was an analogy to something more important.

But that's what Bingo is doing. She's last in line for play-doh randomly because that's like they had to do crossword puzzles today tracy no way she called me and i thought she was just joking with me 14 across i thought she was just talking about what she had for breakfast but putting it in a crossword puzzle way something that you spread uh uh spread peanut butter uh not peanut butter uh something you spread cream cheese or butter on five letters go ahead tracy bagel yes and every one of the fucking crazies said bagel and it was bread and they were cream cheese yes that's the dead giveaway that it's bagel oh my god that's

how you tell them it's not toast no it said it said cream cheese. It can't be toast. It can't be bread. It's bagel. And the people, they're making play with Play-Doh and just coloring. Maybe it was cream cheese. Not white Play-Doh. The point is, they even are like, they're smarter than. But no, the fucking, well well the dumbest person in the fucking room they don't she's in uh uh again just like the fucking valley arts and crafts hospital

she's in a mental illness slash substance abuse unit how the the fuck do you put that together? Are you having legal trouble and don't know where to turn? Trying to find an attorney you can trust? Do you think you've been cheated out of contingent compensation of back-end proceeds from third parties in the territory defined as North America and Mexico,

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why didn't this happen at the beginning of covid where i didn't have to fucking get high and try to write material and and focus on something that made me batshit crazy. I've squandered my entire... Just write it down. No, we've talked about it all of COVID, how we've squandered COVID. Hold on a second. We've been putting out podcasts for the entire COVID.

Remember when Shane Gillis was here? Yeah, but the point is- Eons ago? How many podcasts have we talked about all the things we were going to do during COVID that we never did? Well, we've been busy. I was so happy, Chaley.

We didn't go on tour. You're right. I was so happy. I was going to say the early days, but most of the days, most of COVID, I had all my fucking house finally put together. And now.

Oh, wow. Yeah. It's turned to shit again. Like everything, everything's fucked. There's pet hair ever. Like sweaters worth of pet hair everywhere. Henry decided she's gonna

stay in the house like for years she wouldn't come in the house except for rare occasions she'd sleep out there and then I could run the Zumba the fucking Zumba would vacuum everything up but now she's inside all the time looking sadder and sadder

and more like I need bacon for breakfast and I can't even run the I'm looking sadder and sadder and more like I need bacon for breakfast. And I can't even run the fucking Zoom because it scares the fuck out of her. And she won't come downstairs and hang out with us anymore. I don't, I've given up. She doesn't even like the ramp. I see her, like she can't even do a ramp. Yeah.

Yeah. Raiders in charge. raiders in charge he asked hey if uh something has to happen with henry while you're away uh yep you're on it say no more yep you know where the shovel is call chad shank oh should i just get the headstone well we, we need the date. Yeah. Next to Ichabod. So if you're coming out on the road, if you're coming to see the show, there's more being added.

There's going to be more being added. I thought you were going to say you're going to hit the jackpot, the show that Henry died. It's just going to reanimate. It goes up $50 every year. Yeah, it's filling up, man. I'm like, I mean, I'm looking at the calendar right now. I mean, August is, we'll be gone all of August,

and then we'll do some fly-in dates i i don't know am i doing the fly-in dates yeah i was gonna ask uh that brian hennigan uh about uh travel because i know i i booked our travel from chicago or to chicago but i don't know about the other parts i have to it's one's one of my notes. Well, there's Boston, Connecticut, which is a state. It's Mashin... It's fucking Foxwoods. I don't know why...

Why is Tucson not on the... That already sold out. Oh, okay. That sold out. It was just for the mailing list. If you go to DougSandler.com... Oh, yeah. There's fucking dates that are not on the mailing list. I mean, on the website. Because if you sell out on the fucking mailing list, why post it?

There's a number of those. And if you hit one, just look on the site. There might be another one the next night. Because sometimes it just goes to the same date. Well, you know, that lady, I got an email from her saying, hey, she had approached me about doing dates, and then we just booked our own date. She's like, do you still want to do that date?

Because people in Tucson would love to. And I'm like, I didn't email back. We already booked that. And then I thought because you were on special assignment that you forget to put it on the website. No, I didn't because it's already sold out. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. She might have seen, oh, he already has a date and not made me feel bad for not getting back to her. But, nah.

Yeah. That was a fun place, by the way. I think what I'm saying, Mr. Chaley, is I have no idea where I'm going unless I check my own website or someone tweets it at me. And as you can tell, I'm not really on Twitter anymore because Twitter is not good for business. When you're on Twitter and you're a week out from your first fucking tour date and you're looking at Twitter comments, you're not writing fucking jokes while you're high with an audience. The fucking audiences have been beautiful high. You're in the head audiences. Before you, I'm going to get ahead of the response is, oh, I'll get you high before your show.

I heard your podcast. I'll get you high before the show. No, the audience in my mind is beautiful. In reality, the clash would destroy me and I would have to say, hey, Greg Chaley,

can you read these notes verbatim? Because I am way too high because of that guy that thought he'd help. I am looking forward to the road regardless. Fucking sink or swim at my worst. I think I should just kill myself. And if you haven't thought about killing yourself during the pandemic.

You're not really a fan. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're not really a fan. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we got a good team. It's jam-packed, dude. I'm looking at it right now. It's crazy. I love the miles because we just got done on special assignment doing a lot of miles. And the fucking, the van's fucking tip-top.

And the road's busy again, though. road's busy again though there's fucking trucks out there like a motherfucker there's traffic again fucking hotels in Tucson did not drop like this is where this summer I keep checking hey I could go up to Tanque Verde

that fucking place we loved that a couple years ago that's a that's a resort though Verde. That fucking place. We loved that a couple years ago. That's a resort though. In the summer the prices drop. They never drop. It's 112 degrees. That's when we went.

$90. Well. Yeah. I am looking forward to it. Yeah. I am looking forward to it. Yeah, there's a, and you know, it's funny because that August 20th date, Denver, San Francisco, those have been sold out since before the pandemic. Those are the makeup dates.

So really August 20th is when we finally, hopefully. This is something I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up, but I already did start. I'll take a shot. I think I'm going to have if my audience is like me that has no memory of two nights ago, much less buying tickets to a fucking spring 2020 Doug Stanhope show that doesn't know. Ah, fuck. I forget I even bought those tickets. Like, what if we're... I used to make this joke about walkouts

early in my career when people had no idea what they're coming to see and people would walk out. Or even recently, past years where people were getting thrown out because they're too drunk to fucking even be there. Yeah, I've been drinking since noon with a whiskey. The joke was, I'm the only guy that can sell out the same show twice.

Because there's people in the lobby hoping someone doesn't show up, and you're already getting thrown out. I would love to sell out the same show twice. I would love to sell out the same show twice. Now I'm thinking, what if we have a fucking sold out theater show and people forgot they had tickets. Everybody forgot. And I'm playing to fucking 18 people at a fucking 800 seat. I'll be out front with like a candy stripe jacket and one of those change things that the carnies wear.

75 cent tickets, get on up here. Chink, chink, chink. Oh, yeah. That's the change thing. Because we've had people. It's not just you. Can I get a press pass, guy? I put that on Hennigan.

A photographer. Can I get a press pass i'm a photographer and i've done work with and he drops a bunch of names with photos and but i don't i don't like to get my picture taken anyway i sent it to hennigan who always like they're still using fucking promo shots of me 12 years ago with hair and stuff and i'm like why is that well probably because we don't have new ones or they just like to choose those i don't know but we've talked about this i'd like to to hear you say it uh why the fuck do we need press on the night of a sold out show why do we need press no it's not press he's a photographer so he wants to come in and take pictures for what that i can two years when we come back as long as i give him credit but but yeah but what to what end and and to help you all that does is he's going to take pictures during the show and annoy me and the audience

or do them backstage before the show, which annoys me and fucks up my set. So I'm going over like an open mic-er, pacing back and forth behind the dumpster while this guy takes pictures of me with three yellow notebooks fucking velcroed to my forearm like brady with the sweatband yeah uh yeah uh look number one if uh someone says that they're supposed to be a photographer and then it's like he's also 20 years old yeah he put that in i yeah man i, ah, fuck. Man, don't do that. So if someone says they're coming in for press and Hennigan goes, yeah, there might be a press guy there. If Hennigan thinks I need photos, because my best fucking shots in recent history that we use are fucking Hennigan. Hennigan or I've done some backstage where you're smoking by the dumpster or

super special green room areas those are great because it's it's you there's not you going like oh fuck this guy's lining up take a shot it's me standing there and you're running a set and smoking a cigarette and i take a picture hennigan the same thing you're comfortable you're not on like you don't tell me what to do. No, exactly. But what I'm saying is when a photographer that I know is supposed to be coming and I say our thing is you can take

pictures in the first five to ten minutes and that's it. And if I look down and he's got a fucking flash on his camera, get the fuck out of here. Because you don't need a fucking flash, you cunt and if they're doing that they're just trying to get into the show where they're like oh i work for the fucking the the weekly senatoral daily planet motherfucker yeah it is one yeah no this i did

check the guy's credentials and he had whatever and you know why wait do you know why i took the time to click on his link and see what he's done for at least a brief second was because i was supposed to be writing my act i was gonna say because you were supposed to be doing something else yeah i was thinking that i was i was watching some movie that said this makes me want to get to work and write this movie's so fucking bad you know on special assignment it was really interesting because i actually got a chance to uh fail at something really bad uh we walked in we had we had a a double booking for on special assignment we had a double booking for the Friday night. So we picked up a gig with someone we don't know at a venue we don't know.

And then I go, hey, on the way there, let's just stop by. We'll grab a bite at lunch. They're open, right? And it's a block long, this place. And we walk in. The venue. The venue. And I walk in.

You know me. When I walk in. You know me. When I walk in, I want to see the fucking board. I want to see what the fuck, where's the stage and everything like that. And as soon as we walk in, just like 90 degrees to the right, I'm like, oh, fuck. That better not be the stage. Because there is no stage. And I fucking didn't do like the things I usually do like ask the staff like so what's going on here tonight i didn't do any of the i didn't press them for at least chaley did

open mic for tour managing where i have not done open mic for my act at least you're prepared well that was that was the thing it was like we got there i'm like oh this place is big there's probably a stage to bring out i could have just gone in there and built the fucking stage in 10 minutes you know like not even asking anyone but they had so much i looked around and then when we got back there that night nothing had changed they just put a PA and it was whatever. Anyway, we were appreciative to the place that we had the show at, but it did make me realize.

Hang on. I'm going to. Can you just throw that into the sink in the main house and replace it with a white Russian? Oh, yeah. I'm going to close. I'm going to close this. Holy shoot.

So it did make me realize. I think I was a little off my game. I'm glad I'm here at this retreat to learn how to fucking road manage again, because, yeah, that was a big fail. I could have well, I couldn't have changed what happened, but I certainly

would have been more on point. I would love if we could have some kind of betting site for... Will the Delta variant shut down any of these gigs again? Because Denver, Boston, and San Francisco are all push gigs. Those have been pushed. Oh, the Boston ones are makeups. Yeah.

Oh, that's right. They're all makeup gigs. Yeah, that's the one you were there, but you didn't do it, and then you went to Vegas. I think Denver will probably be good. It's San Francisco and Boston. Those are the two places that would be the first to go, okay, we can't have this, I'm guessing.

But I don't know. I'll see about Tucson, what's going on with that if we need to put anything on the website, if they're going to add another date or what's going on. Other than that, yeah, every week stuff is added. Since you woke up tonight, yeah, things are being added.

But we're definitely taking Thanksgiving off. A simple moment for me was whatever betting fucking online service that I am either using or used to use sends me these covert, like I'm getting boner pills and fucking ecstasy in the mail, like no return address. The new Silk Road. and they just sent what is traditionally throughout my adult life the fucking football schedule oh you know the one we put that will be on this refrigerator and i can stare at a brand new this season's football schedule the same way I can stare at a road atlas and I can just look at okay yeah oh there's there to there we played that and

this is how long it would take to get that looks pretty brown honey this white Russian looks pretty brown it got mixed up the brown will settle again The brown will settle again. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. So, yeah, I was looking at Thanksgiving. Like, I'm coming back into what it felt like to be 30 years on the road

and then having a year off where I'm fucking a honey homemaker. And now I'm like, oh, that's right. We always scheduled around the fucking good games. Thanksgiving has good games. Chicago plays Detroit. I always loved Detroit on Thanksgiving. I don't care who they play. Why? Just because of the tradition?

Detroit. They're the best ultimate. Detroit Lions and the Cleveland Browns are the two long term teams that have never been to a Super Bowl. Texans and the Jaguars are the new two. Browns were close, though, right?

Never been to a Super Bowl. But weren't they very close in the postseason? Yeah, they've always been close. Because that's Kenny's team, right? No, he's Cincinnati. Oh, Cincinnati, that's right. That's what they know. Point being, that's the early game.

The Dallas Cowboys always play the afternoon game on Thanksgiving, and they're playing the Las Vegas Raiders. They both lose. Yeah, exactly. I hope F1 is that weekend. New evil versus old evil. And then the night game, which is relatively new to us old people, And then the night game, which is relatively new to us old people,

the night game is Buffalo at New Orleans, which two great teams that you rarely see play each other. Wait, Buffalo? Yeah, Buffalo Bills. Yeah. Who in the funhouse is for the Bills doesn't matter it's they're both good teams and they rarely play each other anyway the point is i get to stare at a fucking instead instead of writing hey i do have a question are we bringing the the uh the reclining chairs back in the fun house i don't know. All right.

Because, I mean, you're talking about football. I'm just, you know. Yeah, it's fucking football. Yeah. We're back in the game, baby. Fuck football. Football was great last year. Every sport was great last year.

Because it was something to look at. And now, fuck it. We're the game. We're the main event. With Junior Stopka. Here and again. Olivia Grace. Oh, Donovan and Adam Gilbert in Chicago.

I'm going to have to figure out how that works. Which night? September 10th or 11th? I think both. I don't know. Oh, yeah. That might be it. I know Adam Gilbert, I think, confirmed for both.

But they're both, well, probably. We have to have a little bit of Junior Stopka if he's in town. Oh, wait. Where would he be? Unpaid set. Oh, maybe he's going to the East Coast to the Red Lobster to get lobster again. We're putting the band back together, man. Very excited.

Yeah, just come out and just plan on having fun. I do want to mention you are playing every single Helium. What did we see? One, two, yeah, well, four. I think there's five. I'm not sure. But you're playing four Heliums, and you've never played Helium before. That's new.

That's new. That's going to be interesting. Yeah, I always wanted to play Heliums. Yeah. And some of those are sold out, so just keep hitting the links and find which one is still available. Definitely get on the mailing list, because evidently my fucking SEAL Team 6 here doesn't put up gigs that sold out on the mailing list to fucking get you to get on the mailing list. That is the best yeah i was talking to the guy in tucson and he's like uh yeah it's already sold out i was writing shit about fucking

being you know uh and never mind you'll hear it why am i gonna riff what I've been writing? So you remind me. Remember from the podcast, you said you were writing. Yeah, thanks. What was that thing at minute 44 in episode 457? I'll get you high right now. God damn it.

Writing high is the best thing you can ever do, even if it just winds out pointless. Fucking write high. In your 30 years prior to covid have you ever written high no yeah no uh no i just get really fucking paranoid high anytime i get high i was like no nothing was funny. I was funny. What's funny about me? Why you guys keep looking at me?

All you're doing is looking in the mirror. Quit looking at me. You talking to me? You joking at me? So why is it different now, Doug? Is it because it's edibles and not smoking? Why is it different? Well, it started that sober October. No, sorry. Doug, is it because it's edibles and not smoking? Why is it different?

Well, it started that sober October, where I was just cleaning out here. Yeah. The middle of the night, preparing for football the next day, and I found the weird edibles. I thought they were just- You thought they were chocolates. No, gummy peach rings. No, gummy peach rings. They were gummy peach rings.

And I'm like, well, why do they sell them in a bag this small? I'm not fucking putting these out in their own dish. There's only a few left. So I ate the last three. And then it was Valentina said, you know, those are edibles. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I had a great time i didn't like weed always gave me the cotton mouth was the worst part like your mouth tastes like you fucking ate you know

shit syrup and and it ruined the taste of cigarettes which if you're ruining cigarettes for me this is like some kind of forced indoctrination into quitting smoking like no it's like ant abuse for alcohol i'm gonna throw up if i drink i don't want this you're killing but that no i smoked a lot and I was high. You smoked a lot. You ate a lot. You gummed a lot. No, I got high and I could still smoke cigarettes. Oh, cigarettes. Got it. Yeah. All right.

Let's just shut this off. I don't know why you wanted me to do a podcast so bad. Well, I was very concerned that the voices in your head weren't getting enough attention. What? It's brown. You're right. Sorry. Why are you putting vodka in an orange?

You're supposed to be putting milk in a brown fucking white Russian. You don't have any milk out here? I'm not. She's saving steps. I missed you guys a lot, and I'll be honest. I missed you guys a lot. But the insanity drove me to write a lot it was hard to be on special assignment because uh you were definitely missed to just be out and about

and not going up to do a set or anything like that uh yeah i wish you were there but i i was hoping you were getting stuff done probably by the if I even read the note that I wrote, because now I'm writing in my computer, my laptop, and in long form and in notes to the side, if I can figure out ever how to combine them and I use Brett Erickson's opening line, I hope you remind me because I will take pride in stealing something that I wrote in front

of you that you go, yeah, Brett Erickson, but at the same time, I'm like, uh, if Erickson fucking thought of it, anyone could think of it. Oh, man. Not cool, bro. He was on fire on Saturday night. He was. He was on fire on Saturday night.

He was. He must have been after Thursday and Friday. Well, after Friday. It was like the whole thing of like, those two were worth it for the Saturday. Let me put, for the record, I was just fucking with Brett Erickson on that last thing. But, fuck you, Brett Erickson. When he showed up,

and I don't know what other people are doing with their lives. I'm fucking terrified. I have to go back out on the road. And I said, oh shit, you got to remind me to retweet that you're playing in Tucson tomorrowson tomorrow and he's like uh there was this weird awkward and then you said i'll tweet it chaley says i'll i ended up retweeting

christine levine that's what i retweeted yeah he's not promoting his dates this goes back to the fucking myspace days, Erickson. You fucking cunt. You don't even promote where you're playing. And then I was talking to Raider. I go, well, he starts so much shit on Twitter. He probably doesn't want people to know where he's playing because they'll show up and confront him.

I don't know. I don't know why you don't promote your own date. I'm trying to help you. You're a fucking great comic. But doesn't it work the same if you just retweet Christine because she has the link and everything to the tickets? No. No?

Well, she wrote something really kind of fucking daft about, oh, he's one of my favorite comics, and we book him because he cleans up after our mess which just sounds like oh this is the guy that brought the pa so we had to book him it was like that was funny retweeted shit like she she meant well but it wasn't like okay how about he just writes on his own twitter yeah hey i'm gonna going to be in Tucson tonight, and I can write back, oh, hey, Brett Erickson is one of my favorite comics, rather than retweet what someone else had to tweet their own. A less pointed promotion. Yeah, I can do the fucking sizzle.

I can punch up the script if you just write, I'm going to be here tonight. Yeah, I get it. I thought just retweeting what she wrote was enough, but you're right. I should just do something. No, you. I'm talking about Brett Erickson. I did say I would do it too. I will be at Tucson tonight.

But how the fuck do you how do you fucking differentiate between that and Inman? Well, we did get eight people there paid, so that's better than Inman. They were fucking there early for karaoke. They paid so they could get their fucking... I don't think so.

Because when karaoke was starting, it was like they had a better Twitter following. And they said, hold off. Don't get here until 9.30. Yeah. Because when they rolled in, they were here for karaoke. At one point,

some dude was singing Phantom of the Opera. And I'm like, is this a fucking joke? And he did the whole fucking song. He was about 4 10 it was a scene man yeah we closed that place where's the cigarettes oh shit sorry jam all right let's get out yeah i thought we were already done no no you oh so all the shit i said about brett erickson not promoting his own fucking shows and I'm stealing his goddamn opening line because I wrote it right in front of

Tracy and she goes, oh, he already did that the other night. Yeah, now I'm going to do it stronger and better and I'm going to promote where I am that night. It's a good plan. Yep. Next

time on Issues with Andy, have Andy give Erickson shit for not promoting his game. Because I'm promoting, well, actually, no. I'm promoting Paul Provenza's tweets of, do listen to fucking Andy's new special or watch it. Andy Andrist, what's the name of it? Last Shot.

Last Shot. That's right. Go to naturejack.com. You get all the information there. All right. Bingo. Take us out of this with a warbled voice from a mental institution that you... I thought you already went.

What did you say? I'm sorry. That you may never get out of. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Música