The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#458: Marriott Mishap On The Road

Episode Date: August 15, 2021

Doug confesses to an incident that happened while adjusting to being back out on the road. Junior Stopka and the Trailles could only listen to the horror. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Aug. 14th, 2021 on the road in Bozeman, MT with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Junior Stopka (@juniorstopka), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - TraceySupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast are we going we're going are we going from bozeman montana good goodness there is so much to cover, yet so little. Greg Chaley, Junior Stopka, Tracy and I, Sons Brian Hennigan. Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman, came for the first three days of our inaugural. Inaugural. Yeah, our first tour. We did Flagstaff. We did Salt Lake. We did Flagstaff. We did Salt Lake. We did Idaho Falls.

And now after our fourth show in Bozeman, it's only, it's barely 9 o'clock. It's 9.m. dinner theater hour show with the bright lights of Bozeman coming through the window behind our backs. We were basically in silhouette. But it's a Saturday night. Come on, you can do better than that, Craig

Jaley. It's Saturday night. Blind dancing was happening. Did you see what was happening after we left because we had a hard out at 8 what was going on there line dancing

for real line dancing was the thing for the listener if you know on the road we generally take Friday Saturday off when we're, on the road, we generally take Friday, Saturday off. When we're driving on the road, at least one. Yeah, I don't want to do weekends because weekends sell tickets on their own.

Because fucking Phoebs will go see anything for no money on a Friday, Saturday. So, yeah, our best audience are service workers. People, bartenders, waitstaff, they're our best fucking fans. People who work, that have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off. They have to work. And, yeah, you don't have to fight with. This is all bartenders and servers. Horrific nights, Saturday. But at the same time, it's hard.

But it's, yeah, they gave us drinks. They were very. If you have not yet listened to This Is Not, oh, no, wait. Fuck. This is happening. No Encore for the Donkey. Whatever my last book was, yeah, this is what I wrote about from 2016, five years ago. I wrote about a year that went desperately.

And this is supposed to be the highlight. This time it is. The Mountain Time Zone is where you go to work out new shit. There's no fucking real open mics that I would go to in Bisbee. Well, there is. Chuckleheads has an open mic, but I don't do comedy where I live. You don't shit where you eat. I don't want

the opinions of people that come to my house for football. Oh, fuck. You were talking about a follow-up. I shit where I shit. There's more shit happening in one area until it's all shit. And then I go on tour with you.

So we took the gig at Bozeman. We have a hard out at 8 o'clock. We couldn't figure out what was happening. Because it's Saturday night, we assume there's a band there. We do this a lot where, well, we have a, on a weekend, we have a band, fucking Asheville.

Last time we were in Asheville, North Carolina. Yeah, it's a great rock. Yeah, we had to do a fucking early show with a hard out at nine. So the band, and that's when I was drunk, and I go, no, no, please stick around for the band.

And the band wouldn't fucking They sound checked. Sound checked, and then they wouldn't fucking they sound sound checked and then they were being like axl rose and all right my people there's nobody there for the band i sold the fucking place out for happy hour jeopardy is on tv i sold the fucking place out and you will not i am and tonight i said don't tell me what's going on after me because i heard rumors it might be karaoke like i don't want to fucking sell a place out and then leave early because families are going by and kids are eating ice cream while you're on stage bright daylight this is mountain time zone it's like when we play Canada. Remember we did Canadian tours?

And you're doing a 9.30 show and it's bright daylight out because it's closer to the fucking Arctic Circle. We don't want to see our faces. We want some sort of Yeah, I don't want to see their faces either. We want downlight. I don't want to see people's faces

and frowns. 6.30 p.m. show. I saw people cupping their mouths for the boo during my act. I'm trying to remember what got the boo. It wasn't even the one about the kid's head. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. It was after that, though.

I don't know. Listen, if you guys have ever seen Junior Stopka with me on the road, he's like the kookiest friendly guy that we've ever booked. And after a year and a half of COVID, he comes back and he's like, in Idaho Falls, which is

the gig that No Encore for the Donkey is named after, which we played last night. There is an Encore for the Donkey because I went back. The fucking hardcore fucking tattooed biker-y fucking American flag in the back of a

fucking jacked up pickup truck. Didn't say MAGA, but it's green. Implied. You can see the stars and bars where it used to be on the patch. It got ripped off.

But just like every fucking mega person, yeah, they're hell-bent on celebrity. We didn't fuck with them. So tonight, you thought it might be karaoke that got us the early gig slot because we couldn't interrupt their regular Saturday night show. And we just found out it wasn't karaoke. I asked the audience.

I asked the audience. I go, listen, I have a hard out which means we have to leave by 8 so they set up. To be fair, at Idaho Falls they did do the electric slide. Oh my God, did you? Yes, we were there and we saw it.

Oh my God! That's what we can't follow, the electric slide. It's going to be king forever in any majority white town. Until about 200 years when we have some sort of new technology. I don't know if that's in a book, but that was when I was discovered by Judy Brown.

I was my first manager. I did write about her, but she came to a one-nighter in Pueblo, Colorado. And after the show, with her client was the headliner as the opener, she invited me to this Vail Festival. And as she's doing that, as soon as fucking comedy ended this is back when they didn't pay for it you mean just comedy happens and you get paid yeah you mean after

the 80s 125 i got paid for everyone to come in and wait for comedy to stop so they could do the electric slide. And she was at that time propositioning me in the green room saying, hey, I want you to do my big comedy festival. She already had a terrible name in comedy as a booker and then became an agent. And still, I think she's still, oh, no, she's still out there. She was your agent when you did The Mansion. No, that was Judy Brown. No, no, that is Judy Brown, yeah. She sounds like she wrote a comedy book on how to do that.

No, that's the comedy Bible Lady. You know, I think back to when I was in that kind of comedy, like L.A. comedy, where you were political and fuck this person and fuck – why does this person have a sitcom? I didn't really play, but I did. I thought you never really did that because you just kept going on the road to work. Yeah. Like you didn't really fit. But when I moved to L.A., everyone had these – just like COVID, everyone has an opinion about what's really going on.

Everyone's a conspiracy theorist about who is sucking whose dick. Not even literally, but figuratively. Like, who's, well, he hangs out with that fucking agent and that's why he got this and yeah that's when I moved out I don't care about any of this but it took me 10 years to go I don't want any of this 99% of standoff

probably I don't have reading glasses but yeah Judy Brown Marmel she was already known as kind of a maneuverer a mover and a shaker she had some juice she wanted to climb

a ladder and she was always very nice to me but I think they called themselves power management her and Steve Marmell, her husband, they had fucking ambition.

That wasn't a description. That was the company? Yeah. And she already had when she was just a road booker, like a treble, she already had a shitty reputation, so I was frowning on her.

She was the Johnson and Johnson to the Pfizer. Good analogy. Johnson and Johnson. We're Moderna. You're Johnson and Johnson. That's why you're opening. Right. Let's just get back to the

fucking road. 18 fucking months off. Whatever, 17 months off. And, you know, a billion scraps of paper. Putting them together. The first gig. What a great hotel. Bunk beds.

Oh, yes. But it was really, honestly, fucking loved it. Big giant sign. Motel Dubois. It's like the most beautiful sign in the world. Flagstaff is fantastic. The crowd was fucking chatty. It's a rock and roll club, and it was the first venue. For that venue, it was under new ownership when we were there the last time and

that was their first show back happy head entire staff my first show back their first show back happy heckles we love you though blah blah blah no you're gay and i had sat there i i i had at least long legal pads, small prints, like an open mic-er, writing out my entire act. The only thing different than my first open mic where I wrote out, hi, my name is Doug Stanhope. I still have that notebook. My first open mic from 1990, I wrote out, hi, my name is Doug Stanhope. I'm originally from Boston. I don't know why I didn't say Worcester, but I thought, well, people won't resonate with Worcester. I'll say Boston. But I was just that short of writing out fucking entire boatloads of what I can glean from a year and a half of fucking scrap paper and post-it notes of ideas and trying to fill them in together.

Yeah, it went swimmingly. It was a fucking heck fest. One guy got chucked out. Within 20 minutes, a fucking kid like well we've talked about this before that and and this being for show back and that's show sold out so fast there were bound to be those people get there because that guy it was 20 minutes into your set and he was blackout he had no recollection kept sitting up i guess he kept coming back after he got And he was blackout. He had no recollection of anything. Kept sitting up. I guess he kept coming back after he

got... Yeah, he was standing up. I'm like, just sit down. You're blocking the view of people behind you. And he just kept standing up, sitting down, standing up. Statue of Liberty all night. And then he was a nice heckler. He was just too drunk to know what's going on.

And then, as you, mini-Andre the Troll, who had an afro and didn't have acrometaly, our hero. This kid was probably about my size, about 5'6". He definitely was. And then this fucking guy, as I'm telling him, listen, I'm going to have to throw you out. A guy in front of him turned around in the fold-out chairs. And beat him up. And he's like, fuck. And I'm like, no, no, there's no violence in my shows.

You guys, you have to understand, there's no sides. We have to fucking get along. I guess it was a New York Times thing where I saw COVID rage. I don't know if that's coined, but I saw it in the New York Times. But if you have the fucking COVID rage and you haven't been out for as long as I haven't been out. Yeah, it's it's just people get drunk. There's people assigned to throw a guy out. And that guy's not a bad person.

He's a bad drunk. We don't tolerate that. It bridged that gap. Like, if you could calm it down, and it went all the way to the other side, where you have got to go now, because you can't even realize that you have just put the brakes, and the guys in front of him were probably going to kick his ass,

whether you got involved or not, because they had been listening to his bullshit all the way up until you were there. That's one of the big problems is at a certain distance in the back of the room, I don't know that that guy's annoying you. Tonight, Bozeman, I kept hearing someone chirping. I don't know where it is. I don't know if they're annoying someone. I'm not going to just stop my act, which I learned after Flagstaff.

Don't stop your act and try to police the room. That's other people's problems. If someone's fucking annoying you and I can't hear it, fucking call a bouncer. Don't police the room for me. Don't punch a fucking small kid.

You can't mob the room for me. Don't punch a fucking small kid. You got to. Yeah, you can't mob rule in the audience. Wait till the annoying bouncer comes and shakes your hand. After five legal pages of writing out a set that I think is a set, I go, okay, I think I got some material. I think I a set. I go, okay, I think I got some material. I think I got this, but you forget, oh, I've lost skills of policing the room without like,

it's, it's a lot of fun. Like I'm smiling most days going, oh fuck, this is like open mic days where I would pace behind a dumpster, you know, saying the words out loud. But, oh,

I forgot the skills of being able to calm a room down and police a room. Because we do have a different audience than most comics, I would assume. Yeah. Shoutouts to our openers. Wait, Brian Hannigan.

Hannigan was here for the first time. Young up-and-comer. Up-and-coming openers, too. Wait. Brian Hannigan. Brian Hannigan. Hannigan was here for the first time. Young up-and-comer. Up-and-coming comic. Hannigan's fucking. New faces. Hannigan new faces. I go, Hannigan, you know, we're doing the Mountain Time Zone. That means we don't have any local openers.

And we thought in Salt Lake, that's a real city. We thought, oh, they'll probably have, like, a local guy. Well, I've worked there a bunch but i don't remember who i worked with and like levi rounds i go levi levi who levi there was the guy that we used to use and you found it levi rounds was the guy and yeah he disappeared. It's been five fucking years since we've done this tour, and you think that's nothing. When you're an old person, five years is fucking nothing. Wait, 2016 was the last time we were in Bozeman?

Bozeman, Salt Lake? Yeah. Oh, that's because, yeah, because it was Erickson. 2016. No encore for the donkey. Great book available on Audible. Audible. Audible.com.

The club we played last time was a place called Mixer. And it's been bulldozed because Bozeman is gentrified. It is definitely growing faster. Yeah, it's weird seeing these towns where like, you know, you don't really... Nobody knows.

We don't want to be like Colorado. What the fuck are you talking about? That was an actual conversation when we were smoking out back. Montana will never be Colorado! Huh? Aren't you the same box states that nobody pays attention to?

And it always has been. You say, we have the best shitty pizza in the country right here. That's all I want in my rider. Oh yeah, we need grapefruit juice. I brought my own grapefruit juice this time.

The only thing I want in my rider, whether I'm playing a fucking roadhouse tavern in fucking Idaho Falls, or I need a place to spend an hour alone where I can hear the comics and smoke. I want to be able to be in the room. I don't care if I'm in a fucking soup kitchen. Yeah. I just want to be able to hear the comics and smoke alone.

I was out by a fucking dumpster again. I just tweeted that picture. And a guy came. I hid behind the dumpster this time. You were at the dumpster. I hid behind it when I saw someone come back. And then I saw them go around. So I went behind the dumpster between

the wall and the dumpster and then went around because he was like looking. Oh, I saw him come out. I just fucking before the show, just fucking don't. Was he making it look like he had a reason to go? No, it turns out it was fucking

Tom, the fucking other opener. I just saw a guy come out as I'm hiding, and then I go, oh, he's looking for me. I want to be friendly. Fucking Idaho Falls, this fucking kid with the fucking baseball hat with the black face. He actually came into the hotel. It's attached to the club and started knocking on our door. That's right. After he'd

already been thrown out of the hotel for fucking coming to our door, I'm like, do we need fucking round-the-clock security? Which is not fun if you don't know something. I saw Junior punch that fucking punching bag inside. We got security.

We got security. Jesus Christ, dude. What the listener needs to know is that Idaho Falls gig has a punching bag machine. It's called I'm Not Gay Machine, basically. You go up there. And I'm going to prove it. Yeah, you kind You go up there. And I'm going to prove it. Yeah, you kind of go up there. It's a fucking redneck

bar that, okay, hey, don't hit each other. Here's a machine for 50 cents that you can punch and see who can punch the hardest. And then that starts a fight. That's exactly what happened. But what starts the fight is, i got higher score than you did

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It's Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City was the second. We did Flagstaff. We had a day of travel. And then, because that was ten and a half hours of travel from Flagstaff. Yeah. On a day off. We stopped a lot. That's the best. I expected that. It. On a day off. Yeah, we stopped a lot.

That's the best. I expected that. It was. It was great. Yeah, it was beautiful. It was beautiful. Yeah, we went through Page, Arizona, and Lake Powell. Panguitch.

Panguitch. Panguitch. Kanab. Kanab, our favorite. All these places we could have stopped. There's been a lot of fuck-ups. Every one of us is new to this. Hannigan.

I go, ask Chaley. Because I know you want to stop. We should have taken that day off and spent half of it in Kanab or Panguitch in Utah. It wasn't even halfway. Panguitch. Panguitch or Mount Clemens. Either way. We shouldn't have.

So we drove ten and a half hours in a day to spend two days at the fucking Courtyard Marriott. Whatever. It's attached to the club, so I could not Yelp review the fucking place. Keith Stubbs that owns Wise Guys. Fantastic club. That was night two. Such a good club, Greg. Fantastic. It's. Fantastic club. That was night two. Such a good club, Greg. Fantastic. It's a comedy club.

Fantastic. They have a deal where you get a discount with the Courtyard Marriott, and I did not want to yell for you. Bad things about something. I can't believe how much Salt Lake is under the table. You're trying to queer me

off the story. No, I don't know where you're going. I just remember. I'll tell you where I'm going. We check in late at night. There's no bars open. Well, actually, you guys found a bar. You and Henningen found a bar. I went to bed like a professional because I don't have a fucking act. In the morning, I wake

up sweet and fresh off a half of Xanax. I drove myself. I found your keys. I drove myself to the IHOP where I love... I needed a haircut. I found a... I found an IHOP, a fucking whatever

sports cuts, happy cuts, whatever. And a Jamba Juice. Yeah, whatever. It was all corporate shit. I had to drive eight minutes according to the GPS and get all that shit done.

Had my... At the IHOP, this is not a paid sponsorship and I'll probably get a cease and desist for mentioning the fucking spicy poblano fucking omeletteelet at IHOP. It's got Serrano and Poblano peppers. It's gorgeous.

All in one strip mall. And then I drove back in the van. Do you know that fucking picture of the van that was obviously an abandoned fucking minivan that we tweeted is not what we're driving that had a smashed out back window with fucking logs of firewood in the back. Every one of our wives, except for Tracy. I don't want to. Oh, I'm sorry you get your fucking, they broke.

Bingo said, oh fucking they broke bingo said oh they broke it that's obviously an abandoned 30 year old minivan that's still the number one question I get from this tour it's not hey can I talk to Stan you know how everybody tries to get me through you or whatever they're like hey what's

wrong with your van some guy what are you talking about we haven't gotten to this yet we haven't gotten to this yet we haven't gotten to this yet but fucking missoula that we're not doing some guy said oh you're a millionaire with disposable income and a van some some guy on twitter this is why i don't fucking read any twitter responses anymore but But if it comes up, I can't stop. You're a millionaire. Oh, yes, I'm a millionaire.

That's why I'm here. You just put ketchup on our foreheads. And you have a van. But the guy thinks I'm a... You got stabbed tonight? This was an obviously abandoned, with no license plate, fucking 30-year-old fucking minivan. With fucking garbage from the hotel, like plaster and marble flooring. It was just full of shit with a smashed out back window.

We'll get to why we're doing the influencer thing. I didn't give it up, which I'm proud of. No, we're still doing it. Are we? Yeah, I did it tonight while you were on stage. Goddamn it. Where was I, Chaley? Oh, oh, oh, shh.

All right. So I leave the IHOP, driving myself, feeling happy, feeling good. The kids are still sleeping in the room. I get back from my haircut, my Jamba juice, and my IHOP spicy poblano omelette. The most underrated pepper, may I say.

Yes. And all peppers. I agree. Poblano. But it also has serranos with it in that. It's a beauty. I just have to order it with just one egg. Because I don't like the egg. There's too much egg. Anyway, I come back and then

my bowels are loosening. I'm sharing a room with the fucking nice Chaley's. Tracy and Chaley. I am going to have my morning pooped. We're still asleep. So is Junior.

You're being courteous on two fronts. I'm going to shit in the fucking hotel lobby. No, in the bathroom in the lobby. We've done both. So, just from the parking garage into the lobby, I go, I might not

make it. But it's a mental thing. I have to piss into the lobby, I go, I might not make it. You got pajama pants on? But it's a mental thing. I have to piss. I'm going to stop. Oh, the closer you get mentally to where you can piss, the more you have to piss.

You do the time in your head. I've got 60 seconds to get to the bathroom. Don't think about pissing. Don't think about shitting. Don't think about it. Every comedian has had that. Every single human being. Correct. But like,

if you're shitting, like, it's coming out. It's embarrassing, but it's going to happen. And my asshole put up less resistance than the Capitol Police. And I

it's an empty fucking single urinals single stall in the urinal and I get in there and I'm like oh I'm gonna ship ice and I had our here's an unpaid sponsorship I had the same. Chaley and I are both wearing the same pattern. Sacks, shorts, bathing trunks, but with the sacks the same. And I'm pulling

them down. And as I glide into, I didn't have time to shut the stall door. I'm pulling them down and I'm bending down and I'm shitting like a penguin

and I'm squirting the fuck, I didn't know until after. I'm squirting the wall. I had to check blood spatter like a cold case file after I shit the wall on the side as i'm coming in all right listener imagine you're coming in and you have to go to the left and you peel your pants down

and then you're shitting on the wall and then on the back of the wall and it's just straight up as Brendan Wall says uncut Ria it's just fucking liquid penguin shit on both the side wall, the back wall and then on the seat but I had the right hand

as David Tell would say, you Tony Hawk'd it laughter you get it on top somehow. 360. And then all over the seat. So I shit all over my ass when I finally sat. Oh, no. Yeah.

You sit on your own shit? Yeah, I had to sit on my own shit. And then by the time I sat, kids, I was pretty much done shitting. Yeah. That was a tidal wave. So I'm holding the back of my shirt up so it doesn't sit in it. My pants are down enough. And I get up and I wipe my ass cheeks.

I didn't wipe my ass. I wiped my whole tailbone down to the thigh. 95% of the shit came out before you said that. Yeah, spraying. Spraying. It's almost insulting to call it shit because it was water. Oh, black water. Keep on rolling. It was black water. It was black water. Hey, how do you know what color it was,. Oh, black water. Keep on rolling.

It was black water. It was black water. Hey, how do you know what color it was, Trace? Yeah. Well, he'll get to that. Yes. Yes, we will. I know.

And then, so I keep, like, wiping my cheeks and my thighs and my back. That's the worst. We don't know where to wipe. Oh, God. You have to look at the paper. Got to look at the paper. My back? What?

Yeah. And then when I wiped enough so I could get up and look at the damage to the property. Personal property or public property? Their property. Their property. I'm like, all right, I can pull my pants up now. Okay. I mean, it all right, I can pull my pants up now. Okay. I mean, it's going to stick to me.

You didn't have to ditch any clothing. No, no. I was very happy because I only packed limited, like junior, travel clothes. All right. I don't have to throw anything away. Yeah. It's a fucking great feeling. But then I was able to stand up and look at the damage.

And I'm like, all right, it's all over the back of the seat. Like, the lid. So, like, the walls. It was like that Bad Grandpa episode. We were just splattered shit all over the wall. And then fucking Johnny Knoxville was like, we're just joking around. But there was none of that. It was just fucking embarrassment.

There weren't a lot of people at this hotel. They probably got This is the Courtyard Marriott. Saw the same three people. Downtown. This hotel is directly opposite John Stockton Boulevard

200 South facing the Utah Jazz Arena where the Utah... Yeah, this is not our usual favorite fucking haunt slumbering pig motor lodge

half-ass fucking Ida Tana. So I think okay, my first lodge and fucking half-ass fucking Ida Tana. So I think, okay. My first thought is let me go. No, that's a second. Don't get ahead of me. Oh, I'm sorry.

My first thought is let me go out and just fucking ask for a mom. Well, no. That's my first thought. But, you know, when you smash a glass or something. You try to pick it up. You go, I'll do it.

And they go, no, no. ShamWow or something that'll get everything. Yeah, no. Hey, can I get. Because they would say, no, we'll do it for you. For fucking litigation reasons or whatever. No. And I go, no, I don't want them to see how I spread shit over walls and over all the fucking intricate working parts of a toilet lid.

I don't want that. Okay, I'll do it myself, which I did mostly with toilet paper. Did you see me cutting up a tomato on a napkin today? And it just dissipates. That's what I was doing with toilet paper. Trying to wipe shit. Just shit. Diarrhea. Just wet fucking.

With. And wasn't that like horrible toilet paper where it just smears into the wall? They never fucking give quality toilet paper in a fucking lobby bathroom. Not in a lobby. Maybe in the room. So it's just sopping up. And then I'm wearing that work shirt I always wear. So all my shit, I'm wearing pajama pants and a work shirt so i have my wallet and my cigarettes in one pocket i have my phone my room key like my my tits are heavy like an old

mother so i'm holding my my chest pockets with one arm when i'm kneeling down so all of my belongings, my important sees don't fall into the toilet or the piles and puddles and shit. I got as much as I could and then I walked out. I didn't tell anyone. Like, I always

tell you my shit myself stories. Yeah, you didn't. And you don't care how embarrassed you are. Well, you know. And you don't care how embarrassed you are. Well, you know what? I miss my wife. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. And the closest bond that my wife and I have. This is the too jerky part of the story? No.

I texted her. I can read it to you. What is a wife? I said, listen, I have a diarrhea story that I won't even tell my friends. How long? Well, no. I love to tell the Chalys my diarrhea stories because they hate it. They're disgusted by poop smells and everything.

But I walked out of the bathroom and there was a housekeeper out there mopping the floors of the lobby. This is the lobby. I go, okay, this will be taken care of quickly. I got it down. The only part I couldn't get was behind the toilet because all my shit would fall out. So I got 80% of it. I go, okay.

Cut to... 80% is still way too much. That means 20% of an entire man's bowels are still somewhere on the wall and floor in the toilet. It's way behind the toilet. What's the minority in Salt Lake? So cut to...

That was the day of the show. The show happens. I hang out with you and a bunch of open micers at the Salt Lake. Great guys, by the way. Fucking fantastic. One brown guy is the funniest guy.

Yeah. Bingo calls. Fantastic, yes. One brown guy, he's the funniest guy. Yeah, uh, uh, car, car, car. Anyway, uh, bingo calls. I told her the story. And I go, hey, you're on speakerphone. We're talking with all the open mic kids here at the fucking, the wise guys. She goes, oh, I have something to tell them. Tell them how you shit all over the fucking place. I go, you're forgetting the best part is after I shit all over the fucking place I go

you're forgetting the best part is after I shit all over my own ass and all the entire fucking bathroom I still wouldn't shower I didn't shower that night like for fucking another day and that was the best place to shower so what did you use

no fucking last night was the best place did you use dry shampoo? No. Baby powder it? I only brought a certain amount of underpants and they were sticking to my ass every time I sat down.

I wiped it off. So, finger ratted me out. And then I told, because Tracy's the person I tell everything else to. Usually Tracy's the first person I tell stuff to. So I go, Tracy, we go back to the hotel. After the show.

After the show, we're drinking. I go, come into the men's room with me in the lobby. We're drinking in the lobby. And I go, let's see. Yep, Tracy was that line. He lifted up the toilet seat. And underneath of the toilet seat is just painted. That could be anyone. Oh, no.

No, in the back. It's like a Van Halen guitar. The Frankenstein. Eddie Van Halen's Frankenstein. If you took a credit card and scraped it, how much would it fill the whole credit card? Oh, yeah. I never looked at the underside. Yeah, you did.

No, but when I did it, I just knew there was parts in the back that were still there. And, yeah, I guess they don't... So it was like half solid? How does this even happen? How does the viscosity... No, it's fucking pure liquid.

But it was like tied with gasoline? That's how you burn houses? How does that happen? How does that viscosity? No, it's fucking pure liquid. Yeah. But it... It was like tied with gasoline. That's how you burn houses. Don't do that, anybody out there. So you can burn houses with no way for the cops to find out. Of the accelerants. Don't do that. Tied bleach with tied powder.

Never mind. Don't incriminate yourself right now. Some Vietnam vet told me that in community college. Does anyone have a lighter? You need a lighter. So, so, so, so I. Can't just, can't just all your. Hang on, hang on.

I want to talk to the listener. You have to look inside of yourself. And this ties back to things I'm talking about on stage. This is a serious Jerry Starr part. Yeah, no, no. Oh, the one minute, the recap at the end. When they flash the suicide hotline number. When you do the bad, bad thing

and you try to find someone else that's to blame. Well, I wouldn't have fucking killed that kid in a DUI if he hadn't run out in front of my car on a big wheel. You try to find something else to blame. So I tried to find

the reason that this hotel is responsible for me shitting all over their walls i can't blame housekeeping for fucking no one goes in that toilet i said but the next morning on our way out i said do you have breakfast here? This is not a low-dollar motel. This is across from directly facing. Convention Center area. Marriott. Marriott.

The Gateway. Carl Malone used to fucking stare at you. Most points in the NBA history. Yeah. Do you have breakfast? We have continental breakfast. Anybody live in it? Thank you. Oh, where? Okay, continental breakfast. Anybody live in? Thank you.

Oh, where? Okay, over there. Oh, no, they have Starbucks. They have Starbucks. Would you say that John Stockton was the toilet seat and Karl Malone is your asshole? I'm not going to fucking buy into your racial fucking biases. Come on. They have fucking Starbucks.

They say, oh, we have continental breakfast. Oh, no. They have Starbucks that you have to pay for, and all they have is coffee, orange juice, and blueberry muffins, cookies, or a bagel. Starbucks you have to buy. Our friend that you have to pay for each one, and our

friend Junior Stopka is on a keto diet. I'm getting healthy. If he wanted fucking continental breakfast, he would get water. Because that's all they fucking had, and you'd have to pay fucking $11 for it. Can we stop this charade?

Starbucks is McDonald's for middle-class white people. That's all it is. That's all it always was going to be. Dunkin' Donuts is just what's lower than fucking McDonald's. Burger King. I think you're missing my point. Go ahead. Sorry.

That was my way out of saying, okay, I'm glad I shit all over their restaurant. Because sometimes you do a bad bad thing. I will shit in the ladies room at Starbucks. I will fucking say I'm a lady and I go into the Starbucks and I shit in the ladies room and I'll do the same thing you do. I didn't do it on purpose

but I still wanted someone to blame. And I found that in Starbucks. So we're in agreement. I'm sorry for being so angry at Starbucks. Oh, my God. I messed up a good poop story. I'm with you on the Starbucks. It's not keto.

Ian's real fucked. I think I don't know what happened to Greg Chaley. He's talking to someone on the phone. I think he's probably talking to Brian Henning. There's another story that we can't tell until we're done with Billings. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Is that the one that we're talking about?

Yeah. Yeah. We still don't know who's to blame, but listen. You guys like fake news? Hey, kids, you know I showed up for the End of the World podcast when my wife was in a coma. So if there's a canceled gig, don't think it's because of anything other than their fucking problem. Did Hannah get home?

No, that was my birth mom. I saw that and I knew she was getting ready to leave for her house in Minnesota. She goes, oh, what's your podcast on? I go, Diarrhea. She asked. Well, Doug's just retelling the story of how he

shit all over the place. That's the thing. I woke up the next day going, well, I should really Yelp this. I love when I have fucking good Yelp reviews. You do good Yelps. Yeah, and I go, well, this fucking, this is my buddy Keith Stubbs Club, and he has a fucking,'s gonna trade out with the There's a corporate relationship.

Yeah, I'm not gonna fuck that up. I'm not gonna blame their Starbucks on my diarrhea. Nor am I gonna say I shit all over your walls. Can I go back, track on the diarrhea and say what caused it? Nervous diarrhea. I think I wrote about that in the last book. Nervous diarrhea, I think,

is a thing. You had it before we went on the road last book. Nervous diarrhea, I think, is a thing. You had it before we went on the road last time. You had it by the time we got to the... It's not your diet. Tracy has a journal of just... Don't stand for diarrhea stories. Yeah, for sure. Remember when you shit yourself with the air loft in, I want to say Milwaukee? Well, yeah.

You had just gone to a bachelor party. You met up with us. We drove. You flew. Yeah. So... party. You met up with us. We drove. You flew. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was sick. That was diarrhea?

No, but that could have been because I hadn't been on the road in a while. But I think nervous diarrhea is a thing. Hey, I want your calls and feedbacks. Please. Please. Stanhope podcast your calls and feedbacks. Please. StanhopePodcast at DougStanhope.com. Is that it?

No, I want to hear people's stories. Is nervous, diarrhea? I don't want to hear people's stories. That goes to you? StanhopePodcast at Gmail goes to me. Oh, thanks for clarifying, Chaley. Send all your...

I would say I'm going to do a callback to the previous podcast I was on, Panicky Shits. Okay. Which is a 1920s... Shout out to Tony Trim and Hannibal. I was on a podcast. You're on one now. Oh, I am? Hey, come to that second show in Boston.

Yeah, I'll try to stick to the script on the first show. But the second show in Boston, yeah, I'm going to name names. That's not true. This will be out before these shows. So I'll tell you, we've got August 18th in Cheyenne, Wyoming. August 19th in Fort Collins at the Comedy Fort. And then we're in Denver, and those shows are all sold out. San Francisco, all sold out.

And the Tucson show, all sold out. I think, was the second show in Boston? If you're a fucking weirdo, you can show up. And there might be people that don't show up because of the lambda wave of, I don't know. Just don't fucking shake my hand. I don't have an opinion about COVID, but I know that if I get COVID, we have to fucking cancel a tour. Even if it's just like a flu. So, yeah.

Elbow bumpy. Thank you very much. I'm a big fan of the elbow bump. A wave is good. Bow. I'm all for bowing. Bow? Bow.

Elbow bump. Bow. Yeah, Japanese supremacist. Yes. Yes. I'm a Japanese supremacist. Japanese people are better than us. And just bow like them from a distance.

I'll be on the Chicago show. From a distance. I'll be on the Chicago show, too. Sir. Maybe I'll have a special guest. Yeah, we're going to. Well, we have two. I'll be on the Chicago show. From a distance. I'll be on the Chicago show, too. Sure. Maybe I'll have a special guest. Yeah, we're going to. Well, we have two. Oh, I'll be in Chicago, too.

We have two special guests. Will you? Yeah. I'll be there. Yeah. Oh, Chaley and I are going to fly. There's a couple I won't be on, but the Chicago show, I know I will, and then Portland. I booked us aisle seats.

Oh, so we can hold hands. Across from each other. Drop, drop, drop. Lock the drink cart. If they sell drinks anymore. If you make us drop hands. I booked us aisle seats across from each other. If they sell drinks anymore. If you fucking anti-maskers, we'll stop fucking up liquor service. Can I get some family member tickets? If they're for sale. Oh, wait.

Junior said his mother's going to do a guest spot. I'm going to try to get my mom to do a guest spot. Let's close up and get out of here. Let's get out of here. These kids have fucking worked too hard. We have to get drunk with them. I'm trying. No, the kids. The kids

are management that hasn't made any money. They're just doing this for fun because we don't sell merch. Who? The what? I can't believe Henning and I quit. By the way, if you are on Patreon for the rest of this tour, we might tell you where we're drinking, and you can get a stolen Bible,

because I don't want to hang out with a fucking bunch of coughing people. So if you're on Patreon, we might tell you where you can meet up with us and drink and get a stolen Bible if you pick up our bartend. That's enough. Yeah. Patreon.com slash Stanhope Podcast.

And yeah, get in there and we're going to... That's where we tell you the real truth is, Rufus. That's all my gay friends. Masks are on. Tits out. Bingo. Close it out.

Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.