The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#460: Andy Crashes The Tour

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Andy Andrist crashes the Denver show. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Aug. 20th, 2021 at the Oriental Theatre in Denver, CO with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Junior Stopka (@juniorstopka), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), Tracey (@Egglester),  and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS -BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. At all times. Yeah. Let's do this. I know.

I thought we already were doing it. Yeah. We were afraid we were being fucking recorded when you were away. I said, fucking just make it hot so when I come off stage I can go directly ride that momentum. That's why I said, fucking let the fucking Joe Bears for sure.

I had to find everyone. Are you yelling at me right now? Yes. Oh. Yes, I am. I thought it looked pretty good. What? Oh. Well, first of all, no, the fucking set where I did hit my beats, I am. I thought it looked pretty good. What? Oh. Well, first of all, no, the fucking set where I did hit my beats, I did get a fucking set list together, but this was not the Oriental theater I'm used to.

Yes, it is. Like, I don't know. Last night we played Fort Collins, and I was weirded out by how polite people were and then I realized after when you told me after the show oh they weren't serving alcohol during

the show. They didn't have cocktail servers in there you had to order with a QR code and they knew what seat you were at and everything because it was oversold. But the point is, we've had so many fucked up shows with people getting ejected. In Wyoming, a dude was ejected during Junior's set. You didn't even wait for me?

I felt so bad, too. I wanted you to eject him, you know? I felt like one of those know? You stealing my bit? Junior's not used to having to deal with that. Can I steal one of your bits? Because Junior

had a new bit. He's like, I have a brand new bit. I wrote it all last night. I'm going to do this bit. And Junior's not a new bit. He's like, I have a brand new bit. I wrote it all last night. I'm going to do this bit. And Junior's not a riffer. He's got a bit. He fucking wrote the bit. He's prepared to do it. And we're watching this douchebag. Junior already had to

address it earlier. So now everyone's on this guy. Don't pick on my daughter. And then we go, all right, now we have to fuck it because the guy won't shut up. He's talking to the people around him, front row, of course. And Junior starts in the hospice. And I go, that's the new bit.

I go, Junior, stop. From the balcony. You're yelling it down. Don't do the bit and get it ruined by the guy that's about to be thrown out. And then the guy gets thrown out. And I started the bit and everybody started chit-chatting. I go, wow, this is really fucking bombing. I was like, I better stop and do my booty dancing or whatever I do to get out of this.

Anyway. Hey, guess who's here with us? Issues with Andy Andrus just fucking showed up. Can I say, this is like when the Flintstones met the Jetsons. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm rooting for Julia Jetson because I like her.

Why does she have white hair at 17? That's it. I've never smoked weed with Junior until now, and that's where that came from. That's right out of the weed bag right there. Total contact. What a scooby. I got high as soon as I walked by him. Yeah.

This is a story if I have grandkids. I had to walk about eight city blocks to find a weed store in Denver in 2021 or whatever. Is it? I don't know. But that's too far to have to walk for a weed store. Get it together, you fucks. Last time we played here, James Inman showed up. Joby and Chad surprised me.

And now this time, fucking Andy and the fucking Patreon kids are here. I definitely had that weird feeling like, was Inman here last time? Like a cold shiver. I think... I remember everybody else, but I omitted Inman from my memories on that night.

Oh, wait, you were here? Yeah, yeah, I was here too. Oh, but he stole his... He was driving a fucking van cross country with his friend and stole all of his fucking drugs out of... Yeah, yeah. I've heard several stories of people having life-changing experiences traveling with Inman. They fucking hit the wall. won't do that again situation i've commuted with inman one time i was in inman's equipment and we broke down on the side of a freeway and pouring down rain and inman goes do you know how to i was asleep and goes, do you know how to change a tire?

I go, fuck no, I've never changed it. I did work a summer at a tire place but I didn't tell him that. I'm not getting out. We're both drunk coming back from a shitty gig in Wichita and the last thing I'm going to do is be the front guy. Inman's broken down, fucking shady looking van.

But Inman, he did change the tire and police stopped and talked to him. I think they just realized what a fucking disaster towing this fucking idiot would be. It's probably not a license or any shit.

One of the great things about fucking getting older and looking older is they just find you feeble rather than dangerous. You want to step out of the car and I'll step out of the car but my hips all acting up because

of the weather. I got Seth Brashear's old hips and now they hand me down hips. The only reason they wait for the waistband is to give you an Altoid. Hey Grandpa, could I get one of your Werther's mints before I let you off the hook? Sure.

Thanks. You got so fucking drunk in Wyoming that I was his handler. Yeah. Is that your first time in Wyoming? Yeah.

Yeah, that'll happen. We had this Airbnb that was fucking... What's a big word for... Obulant. Opulent. Opulent. That's what I'm looking for. Tracy gives me my big words.

It was big and it had a fucking song and all this stuff. The night of the show, I'm going to tell this story again. I'm sorry you heard it in the act. We do the show, which was weird. The kid that booked it was just over the top, ingratiating, and we're going to do everything we can to make this perfect. They did. It was supposed to be sold out, but on the floor, there's empty seats between everyone. They were social distancing in between seats, but they weren't because it's Wyoming.

And it's like, I don't want to sit next to a dude. I'm not a faggot. Like, why are people up in the balcony when you could be... It's not sold out. It got weird. We got out of there, and then we go to the Crown

Lounge. The Crown. Whatever. It's on the way home. We walk three blocks home, and you guys want to have a drink. And I'm like, ah, fuck, the audience is going to be in there. So I asked a bartend, hey, what can I do for you? Let me bartend?

And so I bartended, and we have to call the owner to make sure it's okay. I go, listen, I do this all the time, meaning I do this in Cincinnati at Sneaky Pete's. There's no place to sell merch. There's no jank, like day regulars bar, like a couple pool tables, no windows. Yeah, plastic darts. But I go, listen, I do this all the time. And one of the bartenders knew who I was. Hang on. We have to check with the owner.

They call the owner. They go, I'm not going to take money. I'm just, I can only make, I can find beer. And if I can make a cocktail, if the ingredients, I can't make a screwdriver, I can make a vodka and orange ingredients I can't make a screwdriver I can make a vodka and orange so make the ingredients and the drink and I'm yelling at people I just didn't want to fucking

have to listen to some fucking run on sentence from a guy that tells me you just get off stage it's like coming out of a fist fight. Someone's going to go, you know what? The first time I saw you fist fight.

I just ended up punching you. You seem to have a lot more energy in your punch than 10 years ago. What's going on? In under 10 minutes, we have video that will go out to promote this podcast. If you want to hear it, you guys get to put that video out.

Yeah. I walk into a conversation as I'm running back and forth. What do you need? What do you want? Okay, Budweiser. Where's the Budweiser? Got it. I walk into the two guys sniping at the end of the bar.

And the one guy is saying, I'm not a paraplegic asshole. I'm an amputee. And I'm like, oh, this sounds interesting. And then within minutes, I have the amputee's leg. This is funny because Chaitley and I, the next morning as I'm remembering, I was making house shots

out of this guy's leg. Now I'm at the fucking ice. I'm scooping ice into the fucking chalice. He's like a flare gun. He's holding it up and scooping the ice and showing everyone that he's put in there. And he's yelling to people as he's doing it. He's perfectly rolled up his sleeves and just kind of adjusted his glasses. He made sure everything was the right pour.

He timed it. One, two, three, four. Three, boom. Cross-contamination. Well, the owner who had heard a famous guy's bartending at my bar, as I'm making it, I pour the club soda in it. I don't know exactly what I'm making yet, but I know vodka is next, and I couldn't find the vodka and what I've already poured in there.

The club soda is leaking through the foot of the amputated leg. Probably into the ice bin for everyone else to enjoy later. The top is the big chalice that fits smoothly over the stump, and I'm filling that, but it's dripping out. It's almost dripping into the ice. The owner walks in and goes, I'm shutting it down! Shut it down, yes.

You're going to cost me my liquor license. So then I'm drinking the fucking whatever I have in the leg just to show that I'm secure in my manhood. I wonder how many other celebrities he thought of while driving there.

Like Bruce Willis is in my bar. I can't believe it. Is bartending at the crowd? And it sounds like I mean, it's nothing you as a bartender did, although the owner might disagree, but it sounds like leaky prosthetics.

It's not your fault like those are supposed to be sealed man well chaley's the one when i remembered the next day like oh fuck that's right i got fired as a bartender for drinking out of a fucking some guy's fake leg and you go it's not the first time you did it and i go yeah it's not even the second at least three times i I remember once in San Antonio drinking out of some dude's fake logo, but that was on stage.

You walked around like that was your drink that you were walking around with on stage and the guy's like, can I have my light back? Knowing what we know now about the spread of COVID, did you go back and do those things? Well, this is like day three after that where I go, I'm either going to get fucking COVID from that guy and die of a good story. Or Andy shows up.

And you know Andy's not hand sanitizing. I'm either going to die of that guy or Andy. I'm like, I have a... I'm pro-Andy mask. Yeah. Yeah. I trim my fingernails when they look filthy. And that's...

Wow, I wish I did that. I trim them and sing happy birthday. Twice. Yeah, twice. And then I try to remember to pick them up. But my wife's mostly blind. So there's only so much fucking dusting you do in that situation. Don't we wish all our wives were blind?

Well, that was the night that I was really pickled when I did that. Yeah, the bartending thing, but Junior was so fucking drunk that I felt really sober around him as his handler.

Like, we literally, the fucking guy, this beautiful Airbnb that we have right downtown, he is coming up to have, he said, hey, can I buy you a beer before your show? And I go, no, I'm cramming for the exam. You can meet up with us after the show. Come to your own fucking house. You know where we live.

As an Airbnb host, if I walked in and saw my guest in case and sipping drinks out of some prosthetic leg, I'd probably like, I don't know. I mean, I'd be all right. But Junior is there. And we're like, Junior, you've got to fucking go to bed. You can't make words. I'm like, the guy that owns this fucking place is coming over like a colicky baby or fucking

push him into the fucking bed. Like, just stay down. I'm not staying down. He comes back up. And then when the fucking owner showed up I was solidly drunk but able to make sentences which is again

a downfall when you can control your alcohols to a point where you can't blame it the next day oh I'm sorry. I was so drunk. Yeah, you came out of bed as soon as he came out there on the back patio smoking. Last thing I remember was, am I too drunk?

And then everything else was. Was that on stage? Or before the crown? Maybe on the way. I do remember hearing a commotion because i i was done i was sober and i'm right right to bed and uh to get ready for the 45 minute drive the next day i knew the guy was coming over and i'm like oh fuck there's the kitchen and the dining room where it was raised like one step up and immediately got there i put green tape on

the step so that we could like just negotiate that little area and he's coming over my body i gotta pull the tape because i don't want to see him he put tape all over his fucking place right in 20 minutes i can't see we've been there for three days. So everyone knows about, yes, step up to get in the kitchen. Oh, tape, step up. Tracy took a digger. It sounded like someone threw a box of hammers down the fucking steps, right? And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I hear, I got it.

I got it. I'm standing in the hallway where I see her. She had fallen down, but the drink was sitting perfectly upright. She goes, my drink's fine! I never walked out of the door. I was so concerned, and then I heard, I didn't spill a drop! She's fine.

I thought Chaley was going to come, because I don't have... You'd already met that owner guy. I don't have stuff to say. I thought Chaley's going to come to your rapport. You achieved a rapport with

the owner. And nope, Chaley's not coming out of the bedroom. We are fucked. And then we continue to get fucked. I've seen Junior drink that way before. In Appleton, Wisconsin we were, Cliff kept

calling, like the first show wasn't up to his standards. The comment cards were negative and he kept he called the next morning we're going to do radio and kept implying that I didn't have my A game and to step it up and he goes, I don't even know if Junior's competent. I assure you that Junior's competent.

I assure you that Junior's competent. I figured you were saying something about me because both of you stared at me and kind of half smiled. Yeah, but Junior, you know, it was like, so we had one show. We're going to get fired. It sounded like we're going to get fired. And I reluctantly told Junior we're on the hot seat. And then Junior proceeded to drink almost a fifth by himself just sitting there. And I didn't want to interfere with another guy's process.

We're going to get fucking fired anyway, so we might as well go out in style. And then that night we pulled it together. The comment cards were a little more positive. Cliff felt a little better about it. And then at the end of the week, we got, I think a $600 bonus each for not failing. And he was so fucking worried about it. Yeah. I think we got a nice tip out,

but it was just, you know, it's like a Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Yeah. That was, you know, Buster Douglas cheated, man.

We have to revisit the video, but yeah, but I was like, I don't follow hockey. Yeah. But Buster Douglas, Buster Scruggs Was a pretty good movie Let's stay on track

Doug, what were you talking about? Me being drunk? Yeah, you wouldn't fucking fall down And then the next morning you were still drunk And you were singing this Song About Scooping potatoes Scooping potatoes

Hey, Tenderloins are having A new tour about scooping potatoes. Scooping potatoes. Hey, Tenderloins are having a new tour, who are the Impractical Jokers, and it's called the Scoopski Potatoes Tour, and they'll be coming around your city, Detroit, Michigan. I have to bleep this because they're not paying for the app. Oh.

I feel like, do you? Is that really? Yeah. Scoopski's Potatoes. Oh, it's a very famous bit. Listen, I can watch fucking Impractical Jokers. It's the only comedy show I watch and it's all that's on

True TV. After a bender to be able to just lay on a couch like hospice and just put on a couch like hospice and just put on a fucking marathon of impractical jokers. They've been on for so long now

that even the ones I've seen I can watch again and fucking laugh. It's the only thing that's good TV. Well, Fail Army. When that shows up. What about Alfonso? I had to walk away from that good TV fail army when that shows up oh yeah fucking

I had to walk away from that because one thing that you might not know is how much I'm fucking working on this tour and I think it's almost at the deficit of my comedy I need to have a set list that I can riff off of

no when when has there ever been a positive to have a set list that I can riff off of. No. The When has there ever been a positive when someone said he tries hard to be funny? That's a negative thing. I'm trying hard to get a set so I can

go off of my fucking script to fucking actually address the room. Maybe that was the problem tonight. Maybe it was my set I memorized. Finally, I'm getting a set together. I wasn't riffing. But no one was going to the bar, which is not the Oriental Theater.

The crowds here and me here have a history, a long history, we actually figured out. It's the most chaotic shows. The bar did good. Alright, well, I didn't see a lit room. I didn't see a lot of empty seats. I saw the... I'm not saying you're wrong. But it is one of those things where people

don't want to get up, and that's why we have you say, you know, a spiel on that. But even up front, it would probably serve better to say it. Tomorrow I might just go King of Thailand to start doing old bit.

This is what's happening, folks, listeners. Yeah, I had a bunch of material when they quit comedy for me. And some of it at that point was old. Some of it was new to me. And now it all just seems old.

And I'm like, should I do that? Or should I work on new shit? Do I try to remember? I'm sure I've said this on a podcast since we've been out on the road. But, yeah, I just want to have fucking fun. From Flagstaff, which was absolute chaos from me to the audience, to Fort Collins, which was the most stoic, staid, gorgeous club. Fucking fantastic club.

It's fun. It's almost like if I could gut the Funhouse, I would probably rebuild it like that. It's not much bigger than the Funhouse. Really? It feels like when you're walking backstage and then from backstage you get to the

toilet and stuff like that. VIP area right there. It feels like you're in a haunted house, and someone's going to just be a drop window. Booyah! It is weird, but it is like a fort. It has elementary school desks side by side where you sit down and you share. That weird desk that comes up from your right side. Yeah.

And then there's one with the left side. Two holders for cups. Drink holders. And you've got a QR code and a number for your seat because the number for the seat is how they tell you to go into the showroom. So they go, look for F.A. And that's where you sit. And then they hit the QR code.

And the QR code orders them a drink at the bar. And then they hit the QR code and the QR code orders them a drink at the bar and then they come out and serve it. It's great. And it's perfectly tiny. All it was missing was a haze of smoke. About 80 people? I don't know.

Hang on. 120. Not last night. Wolseley. Yeah, they oversold it. That's why they go, oh, we should probably not do table service because it's oversold and people are standing. Well, people are sober. Well, they were being respectful of you having an audience that wasn't interrupted with people having to excuse me, get by.

It was great last week. You don't know last week. We've never been there. When you used to do triple gigs, you would show up to a fucking empty audience and they would go, oh, yeah, it's probably because there's a fucking

pig racing competition in town, or there's high school volleyball. The boat races are going on. It's always great. Sorry, no one's here this week. Why did you book comedy during the sheep shearing week? Are you kidding me? Exactly.

Yeah, you don't want to do the Tri-Cities area When the race boats are in town Yeah But these were things that weren't not Drawing from us You know it's a shit show Every fucking week I think it was not that great because one person said

Well I liked it Yeah Yeah there's always that person Yeah I was I was laughing It's like your comedy presentation Is the movie happiness

It didn't sound like that When I was Like I was I was I got it I was right with you But A lot of people were sickened by it

Dog eating semen was unnecessary but all right that's a good breaking point we're gonna take a quick break say hi to some friends i'm john stockton you're carl malone um i hate both of those guys please hold this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Check out betterhelp.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. Life is full of stressors. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have. Your life is probably stressful.

Do you feel like you're losing your marbles? Are the voices in your head ignoring you and talking to your younger, cuter friend? Do you look at your set list and go, this is all garbage, I should just kill myself rather than do this show? You may not be feeling down and out and depressed or like you're at a total loss, but if your stress is high, your temper is shorter than usual, or even if you're starting to feel a strain in any of your relationships, you could probably use a chance to unload. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist.

So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. Unload the stressors and get some unbiased feedback. You'd be pretty surprised at what you might gain from it. See if it's for you. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Doug Stanhope podcast listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash stanhope for 10% off your first month. for 10% off your first month.

Alright, we're going back on. We're back on. We're back on. And we're back. This is the shortest podcast ever. Do you ever feel like when people go, do you remember me? And then you go,

well, and it's like, what it's like to have dementia or whatever. And they're like, Grandma, don't you remember you used to take me no grandma's just like checked out and I was blackout drunk most of the time you gotta be back on stage

yeah I used to do a bit about listen I don't remember you sorry we were just having a conversation during the break with a guy I don't remember but I remember everything about everything he's talking about except him. And that's one of the problems when you're drinking.

You just say, no, I just don't remember the you part. I remember this was one time me and Doug were in a... After a show in the morning, we're walking in a mall that's adjacent to where we're staying or whatever. And this guy comes up to him, Doug, hey man. And neither of us recognize this guy. And he's like, you know, he starts

dropping clues. He goes, I gave you guys a ride back last night after the show. Neither of us remembered him at all. It happened like hours earlier. It was a fucking blank stare like I never met this guy I kind of remember that I remember the moment because when I used to do the the fringe festival in. You'd meet so many people and you're so fucked up, all of you.

It's fucking Mardi Gras, Plaza Union. Is it one stage? Is it one huge festival? Yeah, it's a month long. So it's multiple venues. It's the biggest arts

festival in the world ever and I would meet people there but you're fucked up so by the third time I did it like I had a bit where listen yes I probably met you at some point but you have to understand my career

is like if you went to any year of public school but you're in a different school every week for your entire 12 years of schooling and then someone says do you remember me from fucking personal hygiene class or whatever classes we had? We were locker partners for six years. Yeah, man. I don't fucking remember most shit.

Yeah. That was a game. Like I said, it is like dementia. It's like I'd go see my mom when she was in the throes in her addiction, dementia or whatever. She was so deep into her dementia that she wouldn't recognize me. And I got tired of that fucking trivial pursuit. Like, Mom, do you remember this or this?

And then I just went. It was like a fun improv. I'd go see her, and she wouldn't recognize me. And she'd go, Are you a delivery guy? I'd go, Yeah, I'm delivering you something. She goes, You look like my son. Oh, well, I am your son. And she goes, Well, are you a delivery guy? I go, yeah, I'm delivering you something. She goes, you look like my son. Oh, well, I am your son. And she goes, well, are you a delivery guy?

Oh, I am. You know, it's like, you know, who's on first or whatever. But, you know, hey, I don't remember you a lot of times either, bitch. Do you remember? No. It's not part. It's like that's not how the human brain works. My brother and I were roading for a band in LA.

And this guy comes up. He was a guitar tech for the same band. We just never met him. We were like 23. He goes, dude, did you go to John Adams Elementary in Santa Ana? I go, yeah, we left after the first grade. He goes, dude, I knew it was you. You got a twin brother.

I go, yeah, he's standing right here next to me. He goes, dude, I remember you from first grade. And this is when I was 23. When we played Worcester at Ralph's Chatwood Diner. You must have shut up a couple of times. You remember Chandler Junior High?

I know I went there, but I don't remember you. I just remember hating fucking school. Oh, god damn it. Let that be. Write it down. It's alright. It's alright. It doesn't matter at this point. Really?

Yeah, I didn't... And it was embarrassing. Yeah, we went to school together. I don't remember anything about school. Like, everything I remember about school is everything that's in the book that I wrote about taking up Mother.

That's my only memories in totality of school with the things I wrote. And I had to dig for some of them. I don't remember fucking people. I don't even remember the people I hate that got me into this business.

So you can still hate them? Yeah. No idea. But fucking Andy... Do you remember him? Shit, now I don't remember if I said this on this podcast or just

before you showed up. But last time we were here it was fucking Joby and... Joby and Chad. The podcast. We surprised you. Yeah. But I don't know if we're recording,

because we're fucking... We did record a podcast back there. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Did I already say this on this? I don't remember. It was like... Are you the delivery boy?

Get me in hot, Chaley. One job. Well, listen. Hot, I thought meant it was ready to go. Did we talk about the fucking Bibles? No, we didn't. Chaley's idea tonight was, hey, let's just tape some Bibles underneath chairs.

This is an old trope of stand-up comedy where people would fuck with you. The comic would fuck with you by saying, oh, there's free passes. Oh, yeah, yeah, under the seats? Yeah, under the seats, and just to make everyone get up and turn their seats upside down. But he actually did

tape stolen Bibles because we don't have a merch booth. And... And one of them's a bomb. Revelation's got wires hanging out of it. Two guys. The one guy, the first guy pulled it up. He found me outside when I was grabbing everyone.

And the crowd that formed around him The first guy who pulled it up, he found me outside when I was grabbing everyone. The crowd that formed around him was like, did he sign it? Oh, he signed it. Yeah. I love how you set me up as the fall guy.

This was Shaley's idea. No, I gave you credit. Oh, I thought you were just in case there was a Guns N' Roses riot of people throwing chairs. Earlier we thought, because we keep saying we're going to do things for Patreon

members that we don't get around to because we're trying to figure out our sea legs. I don't even know how to pack a bag. Usually when we drive on a tour like this, we go home. But now I have to fly and you have to drive.

All my shit's in the car. What do I need? Two days that you're gone. How about a Patreon? A special Patreon member. You just show up and do laundry and make a sandwich and take a shit. Oh man, Stanhope's stuff.

I took an amazing steamer and criticized my wife. Didn't clean the lint trap. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. This was something I was pitching to Chaley when I should have been working on my act and he didn't want to listen. Because he was doing his own thing.

There's a lot of that going on. And issues with Andy Tour, I said, why can't that happen? And Chaley's like, well, it can happen now because I won't be encumbered with my fucking tour because I'll be flying. Encumbered means

employed. But I was thinking that the next time, it's probably going to be next year. Sure. But if you guys want to do an Issues with Andy tour and just

follow the Midwest shit. We call it coattailing. We were going to offer you the same thing, Jason. That's ridiculous. I feel like Vince McMahon should be in here. He'll kiss my ass

if you don't want to. No, no, no. Yeah, we've all... Hang on, hang on. The point is, last night in Fort Collins, the Green Room, they just started this comedy club. And now the Green Room still has the old rock and roll club stickers and dick pics that fucking moron fucking bands that are all now completely unemployed and can't even remember how to play an instrument.

I was just looking at all the stickers and fucking signatures from bands going, you're just fucking... I'll over tip you when I get to fucking jack in the box. You know what my favorite band is? The Tally Band.

Hey man, those guys should... I don't know if you've heard recently, but they started touring again, and they have not been cool. Kind of like Rage Against the Machine or The Fish. So I'm looking at all the stickers. Of course I see fucking J.T. Habersad stickers there.

It's got good merch. But it's mostly old fucking bands that played Fort Collins. And then I saw an Issues with Andy sticker. And I said,

did you just put that up, Chaley? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, well, you don't know because you and fucking Brett Erickson do shows and don't ever put it on social media or what you're doing. You're the fucking worst at everything

but being the funniest person that any of us know. So we thought, why don't, like, the next time we do the Midwest run where we're driving you guys do the fucking issues of Andy tour and a fucking

so we can promote you tomorrow go see fucking at the other place that seats less people in a worse vehicle have you had not enough entertainment?

All right, well, all right, man. Is your cup half empty? Always leave them wanting another tour. Even if it's half full, Andy. It's still a good... Well, you can put a shot on top of it either way, almost.

You want to turn it into a boilerilermaker for $4 more? Yeah, fuck yeah, I will. Fucking Chad Shank just did all that shit for his grandfather. He'd probably suffer through a tour with fucking you and Erickson. All I want to do is leave. All I want to do is zoom in, zoom in, and boom, boom. Yeah. Yeah, I'm all in on touring or just you know like

you said hey man do you want to deliver a couch to spokane yeah i do actually i'm just kind of sitting here thinking i would like to get in the car and just drive somewhere with a couch so yeah well you drove here didn't tell me you were coming here. I didn't. You just did a podcast. I know. Well, I flew here because I was here to promote my new comedy special available on naturejack.com and T-shirts. You drive everywhere. Why would you drive here? You know what I mean, though? You drive everywhere. Oh, because I'm a father uh well not i mean i have a

kid but i'm uh also growing weed and my blind wife can't be like putting back they're like no twice a day put back guana underneath the little plant so i mean you know like I don't want to work. I just want to grow weed. I'm a father. I'm sorry. I had a retroactive weed. I totally just caught that, yes. I'm a father of weed plants. Yeah, and you know, it was real heartbreaking as I found. It was very Matt Becker of you to make you a fucking retro engineer. You know, when you get older, you're going to know that my daughter weed plants.

Yeah. So, you know, I had to pull some dudes out and i'm you know but i'm growing and uh you just can't know willy-nilly take off and leave weed plants to some blind jehovah's witness and go you know hey i know this is against everything you believe in but would you water these just to a blind person it's probably like well oh i know when i was explaining it to when I was explaining the watering thing, and then I just go, and then up here, and she's like, give me a second.

I need to get this. I'm like, okay, you're going to get on your fucking hands and knees and pour it. You're just upsetting me. I'm going to go get a soaker hose. I just want to throw in that my wife was this retarded when we got together. Andy had a...

Yeah, I downgraded. She got the Chester Erdheim's disease and became a functional handler for Andy. And now Andy's handling her. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't do the research on Erdheim Chester, but it takes everything you loved about a person away. Her disease

does that to you? Yeah. I was like, I like to eat earlier. Her disease is making... With the exception of Greg Chaley, you are the friend I've had for the longest, and she was never

someone that you loved. Whoa. I've been to his house twice. Like, in an effort. Never. Not even like Norman Bates' mom. Put the lotion in the basket. I remember we would walk into your greenhouse, the backyard, and everything.

And it's like there was a noise, and it was her yelling to you something. And then we tried to get out of the thing. Like Charlie Brown's teacher. Yeah, but that was – Never saw her. She was the same version of Mr. and Mr. and Mrs. Andrist. She was, yeah. Sweet, nice.

Could I make you an herbal tea? I'll take your word for it. I agree with that. She was a very sweet woman. And may I say that in some fetish circles, very sweet. Well, a near-time Chester sitting in it.

Yeah. Flying fetish? well a near time Chester yeah Lionfoot I don't know where to go with this but somewhere else but yeah I've been I do know I'll leave him nameless our friend

in Bisbee one of our... Oh, the shirtless troubadour? No, that comes up and visits you. That visits you? Yeah. He's like, I wish you'd fuck my wife. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

So everyone in Florida? Well, part of that, though, is I just, you know, I want her to be happy and move, you know, like, hey, if she found. But that guy that you're talking about, he's like, he's like a, like, if I were to sort of outsource my man-ness, he'd be perfect. He's a little feller and he knows how to do everything. And he'll chat and yammer with people that you don't want to talk to anymore. So he's like, wow. It's like when we both dated Margaret on the man show. She blew me under a desk.

It wasn't a date. But remember, we courted her. We both tried to court her. We realized, we had this discussion, that we were both half a man and only half interested so that we were going to double up and be that one man together one one man courting the same woman so we we dressed alike and then we both had flowers we go i picked you some posies miss margaret and then dougie go i picked you some because we realized that

that's a perfect system. It's sort of the Mormon system or whatever, but let's just I don't want to be a man. Andy's memory is way better than mine. That is accurate. Let's just set it. Yeah, we recorded her for about a week.

And then we both lost interest. If we were famous, just the man show of hijinks. Yeah, we'd be out. All people know is it's a terrible show, but behind the scenes, we would be so fucking. Margaret blew me. Yeah, and she was my girlfriend, and I had a wife.

I was like, this is getting confusing. Holy shit. I had a wife, too shit i just had a baby what's going on here with this shit it kept me off the and the tranny's not the proper term anymore but we had some some uh some uh what do you i don't even know how you but vanity big old vanity it's like you know it's like yeah she has got fat in some I don't even know how you, but Vanity. Big old Vanity. It's like, you know, it's like. Yeah, she has got fat in some of her. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I was smitten with a lady who had a penis on the man show. I think they call him transgender now. Neutral gender. Wait a minute. You don't know what that was. You know, well, I do. I do because I went and hung out with him early. Yeah, yeah.

How would we say that? And she would suck on This is a fucking beautiful conversation where Andy, we had a transgendered person specifically for a thing on the man show and Andy wound up having

sexual affairs. Well, no, no. Anyway, it was like the casting room couch or whatever. It was kind of cool. So you don't produce it? I didn't know how much. I was playing with fire, yo. Because many years later

I saw that vanity just pounding the shit out of some poor twink. Just boom, just pounding his ass. Like, god damn, I got out of there. I got that helicopter out of some poor twink. Just boom, just pounding his ass. Like, god damn, I got out of there. I got that helicopter out of Saigon. The last flight out of Kabul.

Whose ass were you pounding? I wasn't, I was just saying. Her ass. You're pounding her giant cock ass. No, no. No, no. Other way. Flip flop it. Flip-flopping. Hey, you need to get woke, bro.

I think it might have just been a blowjob, but it doesn't matter. How does that work? If they get it hard on, is that good? Or if she's faking it's flaccid? I have no idea about the... I'm not into the science of it. He's just a fan. Have you ever seen the Wonder Woman movie? Come on, man. Don't be a fan. Have you ever seen the Wonder Woman movie?

Come on, man. Don't be a hater. And I was crossing boundaries. People were like, they were calling him all kinds of names back then. And I was like, I'm cool with it. And then Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope were smitten with a similar person who was... Shea Darling. Yeah, Shea Darling.

Shea Darling XXX last time I saw her. Wait, is that the one you talk about all the time? Gia? No. No, no. Vanity was... Vanity's his. There's a picture.

There's a... Okay, so Vanity was there for her skit. And the skit was a contestant would wear a cock box, and there would be, if he got a hard-on or whatever they call it, that would stimulate the thing or whatever. Make me hard. Yeah, so we had, one of the things was a midget, and we had to get a replacement midget, because our midget was too proud to do it. I never knew midgets had standards, but our midget was like, I'm not doing that.

Use the name. All right. Little people. Dwarfs. Little people. But our regular little person refused to do the seduction. Transgender little person. So we, do you remember this?

So we had a second little person dwarf for Game of Thrones. None of them. But he, this guy brought in, he had a full Fabio wig. Because he was too embarrassed to eat a banana seductively. Like, oh, what? What are you guys, unionizing? I didn't know Pride included little people. But he, so, I forget the point of it.

But, oh, so, I forget the point of it, but we're going to win. But, oh, so that was the thing, and then in the rehearsals I wore the cock box, so that's why I got turned on. So I was doing it. I watched the little man seductively to banana, but I also learned how to control

the cock box. For the listener, what happened on this skit? Well, we've talked about this probably so many times. It was called Make Me Hard. Yeah. And it was

a spoof of Make Me Laugh. Bobby Van, back in the day. You have to not get a boner during this, and the contestant from the audience had to have a boner box that would detect if he was getting a boner

through this series of events. Like a dwarf eating a banana in front of seductively. And then the payoff was going to be Vanity or Tia Darling giving them a lap dance. Of course, it's all fixed.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. That's why it's a box. You can't really see. Well, because you couldn't even say anything back then. We were right on the cusp of... Well, we had to change the name from Make Me Stiff to Make Me Harder, or vice versa. Yeah, vice versa.

Because they were like, well, that'll upset people. Mike, are you telling me after all these years that was a lie? You used to masturbate to that fucking... Thinking about what's in the box. Transgendered. I'm woke as fuck. I mean, that was fine. I don't know how to explain it now.

Anyway, so it cuts to we have these transgendered gals and Andy fucks one in the face. No, made love to. I'm not a hater.

No, no, okay. Wait a minute, hold on. Doug, finish. Yeah. Before there's a diatribe coming, I want to hear you talking about his asshole story. No, not his asshole. Her mouth.

I'm going to fuck this asshole story. No, not his asshole. Her mouth. Andy's like me. Andy will do something and just try to keep it secret until he's drinking and then tell you every fucking detail. And you go, God damn it, why did I say that? I was off campus for a long time. I mean, for some reason you were wondering about my whereabouts.

So I was like getting all these messages and like, I'm hanging out at the BET Awards with Vanity, yo. Leave us alone. But no, after, that was on set. But how... That night. How I got smitten was I volunteered to do the cock block. So I went through that series of events.

The cock block. That's the box that was on my cock. But I learned to manipulate it. Like, you jam it into your dick a little more, and then that would make the beeper go off. But, yeah, to make the hard box. In the rehearsals, it was funny to me to make the big beep when the midget

was eating the banana. Because I knew how to do it, but then when Vanity came in there... But it was all fake. When Vanity came in there, it went off. Please don't tell you to tell these stories to your daughter. I did not manipulate the box. He is now. The point is, after

shit went down, after we filmed the thing, you had relations with Vanity. Not just that. But no, Andy, you had relations in her mouth. But then later, she texted you. I don't know if it was texting back then or a phone call. But she got a hold of you, and you hooked up with her again in a hotel room.

Allegedly. But, yeah, no. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt because I was going to say motel room. Busted up for you, see? Yeah. Friendly gal. Yeah, so, I mean, you know, some of that sounds reasonable.

Except for bored doctors. But, you know, that's how I got smitten with her, was by her, you know, tips out and hey, this is new. She wouldn't shave on the weekends?

Oh, yeah. No, she was every bit the woman your mother is. She wouldn't shave on the weekends? Oh, yeah. That's a big out. She was every bit the woman your mother is. I've seen both your mothers. When I first saw Junior's mother pop out of a door, and I did not expect to see her. Oh, my God. You met Junior's mother? I met Junior's mother, and I thought.

Junior's mother to me is like your wife is to Chaley. I can only imagine her. We were watching one of the Rocky movies and Junior's mother popped out and I was like Junior... Wait. Because I thought Junior was fucking with me. Like he put on a wig and popped out of his thing.

Wait, a wig? Junior's hair is three feet long. She had a Marge Simpson kind of going on. A Mara Simpson. Yeah, like, you're a fucking psycho. What's his name? Norman Bates. Norman Bates, mom.

I'm sitting here watching a Rocky movie. Norman Bates, but I'm just really nice and I won't kill you. I just bring you cookies. Yeah. But I'll tell you, she pulled it off less than Vanity. It was like Vanity. That's Wonder Woman right there. If you can get tied up in the truth lasso by a big, strong Amazon woman,

at that point, would you care if he pulled out a dick? Come on, man. Tell the truth. This is what they say in prison. We're at a commissary table in prison right now I mean come on man I didn't put my dick I've been in West Hollywood

for about six months before I put my dick in the mouth of a dude who was dressed up like a lady but you were in Costa Rica earlier yeah oh yeah that's all that was practice she was the Sidneyney portier of trans

she was more like the ben marine she wasn't a groundbreaker but she followed the pattern but also in and this is in my defense i heard heard Mike Tyson also had his penis in the mouth of Vanity. So, yo. Did you hear that? I and Mike. In the scuttlebutt ever? Two separations from Mike Tyson? Yeah, yeah.

One. I pretty much put my dick in Vander Holyfield's ear. Booyah. I could walk out of here. You see? I was going Damn it That's how you close

Naturejack.com It's all there yo I was on a flight It was delayed First class we're waiting for Somebody who's going to join us It was Evander Holyfield So I sat about 8 rows back And I went up and peed in the first class, we're waiting for somebody who's going to join us. It was Evander Holyfield. I sat about eight rows back

and I went up and peed in the first class section just to look at his ear. It is not... It did some nice work with it. Wait, he sits with his deformed ear aisle side? Oh, no. I think you're missing...

I wasn't in first class. We were delayed by somebody who joined us and then it was like this, you know, after 20 minutes of waiting at Vander Holyfield. You're one of those people that comes into first class. No, I've got my my wings. I can't believe I'm going to get the jack off

near Mike Tyson's mouth after what he did to Vanity. Oh, Lord, man. It all comes full circle. I didn't pee in the first class bathroom. I jerked off all over the sink handles. I did jerk off as a young man at Amtrak. Oh, yeah, yeah.

On the track. No, no. Sleeper car, no bar cart. Lower deck. You know that lower deck? Well, I look at it as I'm jacking off anyway and where i'm at it's just irrelevant this is your problem yeah you made me this way society andy's jacking off and his neighbor's like Is it time already I'm a I don't know how many

Presidents we've had But I've jerked off Near two presidential libraries And I'd like to Kind of make that a thing Gerald Ford Jimmy Carter Cartier

And Jimmy Carter Yeah I always liked Jimmy Carter You know Guy works with his hands He's a home builder Yeah But those

Libraries Yeah Me and Shaley hung out with his hands as a home builder. Yeah, but those libraries. Yeah. Me and Chaley hung out. Why don't we have a presidential jack shack? Oh, man. This is the porn that Obama was into. You can jack off

or move to the next president. They might stop I don't want to Blackberry to look. Oh, fuck no. I would like the Trump library you could walk in and Trump would be there. Hey, they stole the election from me. I love that you said library.

Because it's perfect for Trump. Oh, yeah. I really should have the E backwards too. Hey, this is Larry the Cable Guy. Welcome to the Trump Museum. Library Museum. All right.

I think we're at time that we shoved everybody the fuck out of here, and I go to bed. I take a proper downer. Which couch do you want here in the kitchen? Oh, man. I really sleep here today. I told them if we would have known, you guys

would have made this so nice here. You have to understand, listeners. Me and Junior are stealing stuff. That's why I hid stuff. That's why I locked the door. The Oriental Theater, I can't say enough good That's why I hid stuff. That's why I locked the door. The

Oriental Theater, I can't say enough good about it. They have a green room that's kind of in a separate building where I can smoke and there's a lot of couches and when

the fucking fuck you the Marri you, the Marriott. Fairfield Inn and Suites. Fairfield Marriott. By Marriott, Denver downtown. Yeah, we got here at noon and I go, any chance of an early check-in? Oh yeah, absolutely.

Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Okay, it's $159 and I'm like, you mean on top of what I paid for the room? Yeah, to check in. No, I'm not fucking paying $159

to check in two and a half hours early. Have you ever seen that? No. I've never run into that. So then we were going to bring all of our shit from the van up into their lobby and sit there and start fucking barbecuing shit on the hibachi. Ordering beans.

Oh, I bet we could get in for free fucking early now that we're fucking changing our fucking clothes. And hanging our socks out to dry. Yeah. On the waffle maker. Hey, that ice bucket has turned into water. Let's shower with it. Scrub up and get soapy in the lobby. I bet all of a sudden it's going to be free.

And then we came here where I can write and smoke in this fucking detached fucking area and yeah this is way better than sitting in a fucking hotel where I have to go outside and smoke yeah I put a set together and I remembered it and the audience was fucking

tepid but I have to tell you I ran into multiple people tonight who said this reminds me of the old Stan. I agree. Having fun and just being fucking on point on stage. You were almost perfect

on all your bits. It's really rare for how late the thing is. We built up to this. That's why we went to fucking... You hate yourself. Yeah. No, I hated them.

When you brought me up and then I thought you were going to say how great the audience was and you said they were tepid and I was like, oh, I was going to compliment them. Andy's set was a little... I didn't know. I mean, I felt like the window closed on going up there. Like Doug was closing and then he brought me up and then I didn't have anything

to say to those people. I just wanted people, but Andy had those people. I just wanted people but I already realized once I make that fucking mother joke in that and no one at the end what I closed on I'm sitting in the

sound booth with people who like are friends of the sound guy and they're like crowing at the bacon thing. And I'm like, really? No one's reacting to that?

Didn't seem like people knew the callback to four albums ago or whatever. We'll go to the tape on that one. Alright, let's get the fuck... I feel like I was called into a no-win situation. Are you here tomorrow? Yeah, I'm here tomorrow. Wait, where do you stay tonight? Right here

with you guys. I knew it. My daughter is coming to pick me up because she's not even drunk. And she goes right home? Yeah, probably. You see how loudly you said she? You've got to do that more often.

But if my daughter had a penis, I'd want her to have a good time anyway. You know? Oh. Doug, get us out of here. No, Bingo, get us out of here. Okay, bye-bye

now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.