The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#462: My Day Off From The Road

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Doug is back from the first leg of the tour and invites Chad and Raider to the FunHouse to talk about it. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Aug. 31st, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Dave Raider (@daveraider), Tracey (@Egglester),  and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast we didn't have a beginning where this is my day uh off on tour uh from tucson to come down day and a half to unpack repack podcasts see uh put a mirror under the noses of the pets, see if they're still kicking. And so Chad Shank is here. Dave Rader is here. I don't know if he's going to get on a mic, but there's one near him. Chaley's here. And I had no place to start i took an edible an hour ago i'm still waiting i wondered what was going on waiting what are we waiting for

yeah i thought that would put me in the mood but then you said well i kind of have a story that i i'm a little bit ashamed of i go go, all right, let's start. Before I could even decide whether or not I'm willing to tell the story. I'm kind of obligated to tell it, even though I'm ashamed of it. At the end of my stay in Globe, I could no longer stay at the El Ranch. The neighbors were getting weirder and weirder, and all wanted to be friends and started befriending each other and i was the weird guy well when you showed up in tucson saying yeah i lost this much weight i go well yeah everyone's going it's all that manual labor and globe i go i might be that he was living with

fucking tweakers for a month at one point when i was there i did i was like if somebody offered me meth i'd do it but that might have been the town or my personality. One of the two. Or to get you a little overtime cleaning up grandma's house. You don't want to be sleepless in the El Rancho though. That's why I worked my ass off for like 10 to 12 hours a day so I could go pass out in the

El Rancho and not have to do anything else. That's why I didn't do edibles on the road is because I don't want to wake up fucking starving at 3.30 in the morning when there's nothing open. Go ahead. So at the end of the time, I needed to podcast with Issues with Andy. And I was like, I'm just going to go to another motel and see if they'll let me use their fucking conference room or something or rent it out or whatever. Well, they ended up renting me the

room for the whole night so i was like fuck it i'll take a break from the el rancho and uh went in there and podcasted and then there was no way i kind of lost my mind a little bit there was no way i could go back to the el rancho after staying at the holiday inn express suites so uh i asked Express Suites. So, I asked him. There's no way to go back to the El Rancho after you slept in your car. That is true. Well, I think I told you. I had my own sheets.

I put up my own shower curtain. I had that place pretty well squared away. I should have just stayed there, but I kind of lost it and told him I need a weekly rate. You know, let me know. I'll stay here a whole week. Let me know how much it is.

The new place. Yeah. And they're like, okay, no problem. And we do that all the time. You got to talk to this lady here. So I go talk to that lady. And she was like, okay, let me talk to the other manager and uh i'll get you a rate well i come back and then she gave me a fucking ridiculous ass rate of like 657 dollars for a

week and i'm like that's not a weekly rate that's just the daily rate for a week that's the same as cigarettes you used to get a better deal when you bought a carton. And now a carton is 10 packs of cigarettes. Same thing. So? So I didn't know what to do. I would have had, it took me three motorcycle trips to move over when I decided I'm just going to stay at this room. I had to go three times to bring all my shit over. And I was just frustrated and I did not want to do it.

So the lady was kind of being a bitch about it and uh so i invoked the killer termites and i showed her on twitter i said okay look this is me on twitter go see the pod you know my podcast doug stanham here's him and i showed her yours it has all the things and I said you guys are gonna get a bunch of phone calls if you fuck me over on this thing or you're gonna get Yelp reviews that you have fucking bed bugs if you don't help me out whoa and the lady goes but that's not true I go I don't fucking care you said you give me a weekly rate I just want a fair weekly rate I should give me you know I'm not I just don't want you to fuck me over that's bullshit that's not a weekly rate and uh so she came back and uh the other guy uh

the the guy higher up from her i guess said fuck that guy charge him even more than that i don't give a shit but you tell her but you but she you know she was like so then i they were all on my side because that guy was such a dick. Because she goes, I go, yeah, he doesn't answer the phones. What a dick, man. And they're like, yeah, that guy's a jerk. So what they ended up doing for me, which was very cool. And I apologized later and told them that was not something I normally would do.

I was kind of temporarily insane. But they gave me employee rates they each have their own rate so they would just rent the room yeah under their employee rate for me for the thing and it gave me a really nice weekly rate but i did uh in a fit of desperation and fucking i'm not proud of it at all. But I did that. I did that. Embarrassingly drunk with when I was first on the Man Show, but it hadn't aired. And I had those homeless people

that lived on my porch. That's the Venice place. Yeah, Andy, I'm sure has told you a million times about that. But they were already living. I had an apartment and a little office right next door to each other. And when I get the office after the apartment,

just because it wasn't enough room to work away from my wife at the time, those two homeless people camped out in the safety of the fucking porch area hidden from street view. It was like sorry, I thought. It'd be like a house without a roof in california it was it was an office but the the way you went up the stairs

there was a wall that blocked you from yeah so they're in between my door and the it's not even a porch it's just the you know few stairs up but they could sleep there yeah they go oh i'm sorry we didn't think anyone we thought this was uh vacant i go hey you're grandfathered in you were here first i had just got the keys and uh so just you know don't let people shit on my steps or whatever that's no problem you later on when they they would come over to our apartment porch for happy hour, and I tried to bring them up to an open mic at the local bar. They're like, you guys can't come in here. And I fucking went off.

I am the new host of the man show. Are you going to tell me because my friends are homeless? I'm throwing around, not knowing that show is going to suck so much but it's through a big fucking hissy fit like I'm a big star yeah they'd have thrown you out too no I was a regular there except that night

and then didn't they got in a knife fight or there was a knifing yeah yeah that was that was later on point being like I just started I've said well well, yeah, and we never really did pull the trigger on that. That's one of the things that I think back. Bingo.

The last two mental institutions she's been in were fucking horrific. And, yeah, I never pulled the trigger on, hey, yeah, flood these fucking, I never pulled the trigger on, hey, yeah, flood these fucking, just flood every review for these places with your own brand of humor, which is always terrible when you try to do my brand of humor. But I always think that I should have. But what's it going to do? It's just going to limit her choices when she goes to the next mental, or if she goes back to the same one.

There's people that need fucking online beatings that hurt their business. I think in the moment I knew that it was... Palos Verdes. I couldn't even remember the name of the last mental institution she was in. Palos Verdes. I couldn't even remember the name of the last mental institution she was in. Palos Verdes

in fucking Tucson. What cunts. What absolute ridiculously unqualified pieces of shit. And mean and cruel. Why you gotta be so mean to retarded.

What are you saying? Are we going to have to pay for that? Is that a real song? It's like a weirdo. Okay. It's a song parody that I haven't written in four years. Why am I shaking my head? No reason.

Well, everything just seems to happen when all of a sudden you get other shit to do. All right, I got to fucking figure out the road. I can't. I don't have time like we used to have time to. All right, let's make someone's life miserable that deserves it. I should really be putting that time into, other than writing Yelp reviews. Now I'm back on the road.

I got to get my shit together. First tour, I can see glimmers of my shit together. Last we talked was in in san francisco with brendan walsh who was fucking brilliant he's coming to phoenix i don't know if phoenix is completely sold out but you know like you got to come to phoenix uh it's a september 12th and 13th i'm looking it up that is rus Russell was also on that. He was also in the Green Room. Yeah, that's when I thought I was really

fucked by San Francisco, but it wasn't over. Because the last night, I think, I don't know if we talked about it, I tried to do a bump off of, it's very funny because I tried to do a bump off of some lady's hand.

She was at the Vegas show, the one that tried to de-virginize Guy or Guy, as I like to call him. She was there. And so we hung out. And at some point, we're locked in a toilet. And she's trying to give me a bump off of her hand and of just my nose. You know, the regular, most of it spilled back out. And then she showed up at that bar the next night. She ended up opening

the next two shows. That's how you network. Yeah. You could take a comedy class or you could offer a bump in a fucking locked toilet in a shitty dive bar. Anyway, the point being Phoenix second night is still available

at Stand Up Live. Go to DougStandUp.com tour and yeah. What date? 13th, 14th? Yeah, the 14th there's still seats available. September 14th. Fucking Brendan Walsh was amazing to watch just because now he's doing basically his prank call

podcast on stage and he's got he's doing basically his prank call podcast on stage and he's got he's doing actual prank calls and but then like and fucking with his own voice with the voice modulator and with the neck brace and everything it's it is basically the world record podcast live which is a great fucking advertisement for his world record podcast it is exactly what he's doing but it's way more produced on the podcast but I mean he fucking totally pulled it off I know it was like

watching when I watched Phil Hendry live it was that good and with the ridiculousness of both Junior and fucking Brandon Walsh on this first tour. Yeah. I need more of that.

Chicago. That night you attempted to do a bump. Tracy and I ended up back waiting for a pizza that never showed up in Brendan's room. And he's got all these props. I'm like, what is this? Why are you traveling with a dog shot caller? Fast forward 15 minutes. We're wearing the shot caller.

Oh, that didn't make the last podcast? No. Okay, good. No. So we're there, and then we're playing this game where one of us holds, two of us are laying down in bed looking at our feet, like where the person with the dog caller is. One person's filming.

The other one is holding into the frame of the of the shot the the remote where we're clicking through zero which is no shock why no shock on a shock collar to five which is jesus christ right and you were clicking it and the person with the shock collar is in in the background and they say stop and then you hit the shock and And they have no idea what it is. I thought you already put this out on YouTube. No, I still haven't. We looked at it, and, you know, what the fuck? What are we doing?

I know, but Walsh was scared. I look drunk in it. Of course you're drunk. You're doing it. You have to demand that, at Greg Chaley, at Brendan Walsh. That was the same night that you were just talking about. That was a pretty drunken night. Yeah, and it was really funny because the next day at Sushi,

because we didn't do merch. This was the week that you had to have the Vax card to get in, and people are fucking going crazy. I've heard, once i heard people were fucking talking shit stanhope would never do that make you have a vax card to get in he should cancel that gig i'm not looking at fucking twitter during this uh but it was very funny we went to sushi the next night and you weren't even there chaley it was when uh you were working on something oh you're doing another podcast.

Hannigan and Tracy and I went to Sushi with Walsh, and he says, yeah, it's funny. You won't sell merch, but you'll still do a fucking bump off of a stripper's hand in a toilet, but you won't sell a Bible? Also, I showed him the video that went out of you drinking out of the amputee's prosthetic. And he's all, this is the guy who won't sell merch and shake a hand? He's drinking out of this guy's stump?

It is a little... Yeah, I know. I know. But that's one hand and one stump. Not 500 people every night. I mean, he has comorbidities. If he was toxic, he'd be dead. So the last night.

San Francisco. Yeah, I did someone else's bump. There was lots of bumps to refuse or just go, oh, I tried. The first bump fell out of my nose, and I went, eh. Probably better off that way. Exactly. But then the last night, I did someone else's bump. The club that we were at, let's say, has a secret underground club and left it open.

It's amazing how one bump of good cocaine can make you wake up feeling like you just did shitloads of cocaine because you didn't sleep and then you had to wake up and check out of your fucking hotel at 11 a.m. You saw the sun come up and now you have to leave and pack all your shit that you didn't pack when you had all the time before you even started partying and now i gotta fucking find all my shit with one eye put it put it put it in bags chuck it in the suburban the chaley's driving home get up and i had to check out by 11 but i

didn't fly till three so now i'm steaming reeking stink lines hangover still drunk and i have to sit at the fucking airport because i had to be out for you know three hours and so i go to the sky club and i just start moderately drinking, just enough to keep a level. Did you start at the Delta or did you go to the American Express? Delta. Okay. Yeah. There was a talk of maybe-

Well, Hannigan was flying at the same time I was flying. That was the most fun is we had a group text with me, Brian, Tracy, Chaley, and Walsh. So that's what kept me going. It was just... As we were driving south, Walsh was driving south, and you guys were in the airport. Yeah. Walsh was driving separately from them, but they're both driving towards LA. We're both flying to LA

but on separate airlines. So we're just fucking with each other the whole time. And I only had a few drinks, but it was already still there. So it was just a continuum from the night before, staving off a hangover. Just push it into the future. And I left the Sky Club.

I almost missed my flight because I was having so much fun texting with you guys. And I go down to my gate. I'm like, oh, fuck, it's already. And I, oh, your flight's delayed 35 minutes. So I'm like, I had just left half a drink up there. You know, the Sky Club for the listener. They have a buffet of some stuff, some hummus and some sandwiches. And, you know, they get a Delta. some stuff some hummus and some sandwiches and you know they're gonna result yeah delta sky club has a clean bathrooms a view of the runway comfortable

free drinks free buffet so i uh at some point um some uh a man of color and i only point that up because black people, not just guys, tend to point out when I'm suited up, I get a fucking vintage suit on, my socks match, my tie, everything fucking works. They notice. And I was so hungover, I go, fuck it. I'm flying in sweatpants and a hoodie. But I did have, because I didn't have my tie. I sent my tie accidentally with you because I was packing in a hurry. I didn't have the proper accoutrements. But when I saw this black guy walking in a fucking new vintage,

it wasn't real vintage, but it was a plaid, and he had a fucking pin on it exactly where I had my Delta pin. And I go, I have my fucking suit rolled up in this backpack which is all i traveled with it was an oversized stuffed backpack i go fuck it i'm gonna go suit up in the turlet and i suit it up without a tie but i felt with sweatpants yeah no no no i had the whole suit yeah i just didn. Yeah. I just didn't have my tie. And I didn't have a white undershirt. So I turned my shady Dell mustard colored shirt inside out. So it wouldn't show through my sheer vintage shirt as much.

So now I'm suited up. So I leave my drink and my plate of fucking leftovers behind. Go see my flight is delayed. And I go, fuck, I'm going to go finish my drink. I got time. By then, this very waspy, yuppie, fucking 30s, 40s. There are extras in any movie. They are sitting beside where I used to sit with my glass and my plate

of fucking so I just said are you guys going to finish this no so I grabbed the half drink and I started scooping up the leftovers of hummus and scraping the hummus with the pita off the plate and

eating it with my back directly to the free buffet and they didn't off the plate and eating it with my back directly to the free buffet. And they didn't. And then I go, thanks. And then I scooted behind the divider on the next row where I could see them. And then someone beside them on the other side left, left a bunch of leftovers.

So I walked back around the divider. I go, you good with this too and they're like yeah and so i started like picking the turkey out of club sandwiches that they left behind and eating it and i'm timing fake phone calls or i just have the phone in my ear people are leaving perfectly good food behind i don't know how much this buffet costs, but people are leaving perfectly good food. And they never said it's free. And I have a Delta pin. That's garbage. You don't have to eat someone else's.

It is Delta. And I give Walsh all the credit for just after a week of watching Walsh prank, even our own hotel. I'm like, we stay here all the time. Don't prank this fucking place. This is a gold mine. This is the El Rancho if it was sweet. It's right next to the gig. You can do the smoking balcony.

Don't fuck this up or we're going to have to go to a holiday and express. Private parking is the other thing too it's like that's the sweetest plum because we're two blocks from the venue and we've got secure parking that's the one thing that would hurt the most yeah so yeah he was pranking the front desk of the hotel about from his room from his room. From his room. Saying that he's pretending to be a kid who can't get the TV to work. Well, no. He was legit at first. Legit that he couldn't do it.

And then he goes, why am I wasting this? Why am I wasting this? So he ends up and he pretends that he pulled the wire out. He sent me all the calls. Two calls later, he pretends to be that kid's dad's going why did you tell my son to pull the cable out and take the tv off the wall and now it's torn through the wall the cable went through the wall and it's pulled all the

plaster out then he doesn't know that was like i'm the uncle of the kid that you told it and then i look at him like fucking a this is four in the morning that he told to... And then I look at him and I'm like, fucking A, this is four in the morning that he sent these. I go, did you... You didn't call the guy downstairs, did you? And he goes, well, yeah. And then the next night, do you remember you were wasted

and you went right to the... At like two in the morning, one in the morning when I took you up to go to sleep. Oh, that was an edible night, wasn't it? Yes. You went in. No. Xanax.

Xanax. That was the night we shot. Oh, yeah. The fucking guy that. Sean with the bolo ties. Thanks, Sean. Yeah, the bolo tie guy. Yeah.

So Doug's zonkered. I mean, I'm arm in arm with him, you know, getting him back to the hotel. And as soon as we get in, he goes, hold on. And he goes right to the front desk and he starts apologizing for our friend who made the calls. And the guy's all, no, I'm not the guy. And he started laughing. He's like, that was another guy last night. Doug's like, oh, our friend, he's, you know, he's just bored. You have to understand, that is the hotel that I was waiting,

sheltered in place for when those shows got pushed from. March of 2020. So he knew me when I came back. He was like, yeah, the hotel was basically empty, and it was all fucked. And every time I'd come through the lobby, he's like, I don't know waiting for the governor to say something else so yeah he was all smiling they were the friendliest

people and this time too so i was glad he had a good sense of humor because uh uh walsh can be tenacious for yeah well then he did end up hitting that guy later that night. Hitting that guy? Oh, sorry. Yeah, he called that guy too after the pizza didn't show up. You know, if you're working that night shift like that, you probably don't mind. If you know, it's just going to be fucking around.

Probably entertaining. It's funny as shit, I guess. Yeah, this is not like a corporate hotel where they just get people coming in bitching. I was supposed to have a pull-out couch. I have diabetes medication and I need a refrigerator. It's the law. So you better call maintenance at four in the morning because my flight was delayed.

That's not the end of it. That was just me getting to L.A. Then I had another... I'll take a break. I'll tell you about L.A. after I piss. Oh, yeah, please hold. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Check out betterhelp.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month.

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at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's BetterHelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. And once we break to piss, fucking monsoons come in again and we can't go out and piss till the rain stops because we're all big fat pussies except for chaley who's fucking working on he's cooking he decided knowing a monsoon was coming in ah buck them i'll still barbecue tracy a vegan chicken loaf which every time he opens the hood of that cooker it looks like a sideways euro log that they saw chunks of fake meat off of an appetizing you mean? Yeah. It smells pretty decent.

Well, she's the only person that's going to fucking eat this, I'm assuming. She'll eat that thing for like a week. She'll eat leftovers of anything. I will eat it for days and days. Yeah. Ugh, why?

But it's smoking, so I'm not dependent on standing over the fire. Like if I was going to do steaks or something. All right. In my defense, I just didn't have to pee. I'd pee in the rain. I don't have any problem. Well, by the end of this podcast, I'll be pissing in the rain.

I'm more worried about the fact that Shaylee said the wall has been urine compromised. So I don't want to add to the problem. When you look over, you will see a huge chunk i'm like that wasn't there yesterday i think it happened last night i liked raider's idea of just putting a glory hole in the wall that tubes out to the different spot that's pretty good and a help wanted sign well and then sometimes you might go over to pee and accidentally get your dicks you never know it depends on who's here actually on the other side of that spot where he was pointing is a huge cactus.

Maybe it's just being a joke. Maybe that's what he's into. Anyways, so, yeah, the rest of the flight, I got to LA the whole time. I'm just thinking so bad that I hope I'm not marked as unfit to fly.

So I'm just keeping my jokes to a minimum. But I did try that prank again. I was in the LA Sky Club, and there was a loud talker on the phone in an otherwise quiet place. So I tried that old prank. We don't have 6x19s. And I'm like, i can supply you with six by 19s and but he his call ended like as soon as i started before people could catch on and i i remember stanhope doing that in sky club for a while yeah and that was a big sky club the whole

and it was full and like it people applauded when that guy hung up his phone he had no idea what setup was doing that was one of the funniest things i'd ever seen uh and then uh oh yeah i guess it was the flight from san francisco to la for the connection where they go can i get you another cocktail? I go, how about a 10 milligram edible? And he looked like I was lighting a cigarette. I go, come on, it's only a matter of time before that's going to be a real thing. It's legal in California, and that's what we're flying over. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're probably right.

But I got home from the, well, to the Tucson airport because we were playing Tucson the next night. I got in at nine o'clock at night going, I'm going to be just as hungover from this flight from the worst hangover tomorrow for a show. But we got through. Chad Shank opened the show in Tucson. Poorly?

No, it was fucking great. That was the most polite audience we probably had on the entire tour. I mean, it's just a tiny club, but that's my favorite hotel. I thought it was perfect. It was great. What did it hold, like 60 people? I think it's 52 or something when you're not there. And when you're there, it's 70.

Yeah, it's a huge karaoke bar. Bumsteads. Bumsteads at Wonderwall or Wonderwall at Bumsteads. Bumsteads at Wonderwall is what it was called. But I think, I don't even know. Is Bumsteads the restaurant? I don't know. And the bars?

The place is very confusing. But I mean, it works. They certainly have a crowd. The bouncer, Chad, are you the one who said the bouncer didn't even know the show? The bouncer didn't know. He was telling Rader and I that out back, I didn't even know this was going on until I showed up for my shift.

Well, that might be just an employee turnover thing, because everywhere we went on tour, everyone was now hiring. He also said he'd only been there for three weeks, but he had to turn away hordes of angry, regular karaoke singers. Yeah, so the bar is every night they do karaoke. So this is their mecca. This is their every night. Great sound system. and they know everything like to the nines but not for comedy it's exactly for karaoke only yeah they had the reverb on like

that's what was it was it you were oh it was me and i didn't know christine went up there and immediately knew because she's a professional. She's like, what is wrong with this sound on this? She goes, I'll sing Patsy Cline later if you want to turn off the reverb now. What was it, Randall? Were there effects on the board?

There was a PreSonus Firewire board one of those 13. Just cut to the chase, my friend. Yeah, the PreSonus board, it's a really fucking weird board. It's before the M32 or any of that stuff. Well, clearly. Anyways, yeah, there was effects all over it for karaoke night instead of for comedy night, which they had been set up for.

Generally, Chaley would have been on top of this if this wasn't. No, this is our Funhouse North show. You didn't have to worry too much about shit. If that was Cheyenne, Wyoming, Chaley would have been there in the morning to make sure the tables are right. Yeah, we got there at 3.30. I know. You drove all the way from San Francisco. So anyway, I got in.

But you were there early too, Chadley. I got there just before. Right before we did. But no, you had to come in Friday. Did you not stay over there? Well, no, I just stayed there. I made two trips. I went Friday and then went home.

I stayed too many nights in a motel. I'm not spending unnecessary fucking nights in a motel when my home is two hours away and I'm not forced to stay there. No, I had to go Friday for a VA appointment. They called me and scheduled it while I was in Globe and I had to reschedule

it and tell them that I have to do it later. Right now I'm working which was a weird thing to say. I know. It just caught me off guard yeah yeah um so uh they said you're gonna have you're gonna come in and get started on uh hormone therapy because your testosterone is low and i said oh all right yeah i definitely want to come and do that uh if that's the case then so i we drove up there i go into the the appointment and the guy just starts asking me questions and stuff and i answer him and pretty soon he goes so

what are you here for you go well you guys said i was here to start hormone therapy for the thing he goes oh have you started that already and i go no that's what i'm supposed to do here and he had already kept trying to talk to me about football. Was this the same guy that was the bouncer at the Bucket Bump? I've only been here three weeks. He definitely seemed like a new guy. I thought I was being punked at one point because I was like, no, they told me to come and start that. And he goes, oh, and he goes, well, your testosterone is not low, so I can't start you with that.

And I go, well, they told me it was low. And he goes, well, yeah, one test showed that it was low. And he goes, but that might just be a fluke because your other test shows it pretty high. He goes, maybe you made some lifestyle changes. And I'm like, I don't know. So I, of course, now at this point, I'm pretty pissed off because I had to drive two hours there. And I didn't want to. And so you just brought me here for an appointment for nothing you have no idea why i'm here and he goes well i guess i could have just talked to you over the phone well now's a nice

time to find out i said i don't understand should i call you from here i said i said it pisses me off i said you guys wasted my whole fucking day i had to drive to tucson two hours and he goes well he goes i don't know what to do i got drugs i can give you drugs and i go all right what do you got and he he goes you want viagra and i go yep i said yeah and i go well hold on i i'm used to you know trying to work it instead of having a guy that's just blatantly offering you drugs well i what i learned on the road uh in the early days was if i don't do that drug one of the comics on the bill does so don't say no i have to fly in the morning i'll just say yes and then palm it off to the local opener so yeah even if you don't need viagra yep Yep, I need that. I asked him, I said, well, I said, here's my only question. I said, when I was in the Army, I was a mechanic, a diesel mechanic.

And if you started using starter fluid, ether, to start a vehicle, pretty soon that vehicle could only be started with starter fluid. I said, this isn't the same. I made him laugh. And he was like, no. He goes, your ether starter fluid analogy does not the same. I made him laugh. And he was like, no, he goes, your ether starter fluid analogy does not work here. You're all right. And he said, the VA will only give you four a month. He says, but they're a hundred. He said, so break them in half. And he goes,

and that'll give you eight. And I said, until I provide documentation that I need more than eight or what is that where you start no that's all you get is this and i was like all right i guess i said well yeah i said i'll take it then it's better than fucking driving down here for no reason i said the va used to give me 60 bucks to you know come to an appointment for travel pay and they quit doing that so now i'm just out you know because of biden it was It was before that. Turn this podcast all political. But and then he and then he was like looking through a list. He was like, I got flow max.

That helps you. You have any problems urinating? He goes, that'll help you go really strongly. And I'm like, no, I don't. You could be our new black market fucking pharmacist. Maybe Dave probably needs flow facts. Yeah, maybe. That's what I'm saying.

Say yes to every drug and then dole them out to the elderly folks. What can you get for constipation? I apologize to the community for my lapse in judgment. I will, next time I speak with this shady ass VA doctor who offers me whatever drugs I want. Hang on.

Hang on. I'm on a group text with Bisbee. Lipitor, anyone? All right. I have two hits. Yes. I need that. What happened to the-

Sky Rizzy? No. What happened to the Zoom call meetings? I mean, I did the same thing. They had me come in, and I didn't give blood or anything. I'm like, what? We had such a good relationship over the phone. It worked so well.

And that was just in Bisbee. I mean, imagine that everything should be over the phone or over Zoom until they actually need you in there when you're going two hours each way. That's two hours each way, Chad. It wasn't two hours. That's true. Two hours each way. That's two hours each way, Chad. It wasn't two hours. That's true.

Two hours each way. And this guy shook my hand like three times, which I thought was weird. See, now they're touching again. Yes. What the fuck? It was an odd appointment for sure. Back to the old normal. He kept talking to me about football.

It was weird. He might have been hitting on me. Well, Viagra, you like football? This is shaping up to it. Yeah. We got to get Andy in on this to see if there were some. Hey, he gives condoms now. Are you a man?

I can measure you for a condom. Do you dress to the left or right, sir? The last guy that was there, that was the who uh had to check my balls and give me a finger in the ass yeah i didn't see him again but uh that was the one you never do yeah he didn't call back the uh you turned him straight that guy that guy uh he was checking my balls and he was like your balls are no not your balls he said your uh your testicles are of normal size and my immediate thought was to say well thank you because i've had nothing to compare them to for a long time i have no idea where i sized up in the let's have a show off yeah so if your balls balls are real size, my balls are real size.

Let's see whose balls are really normal. Well, I told him that. Well, and this other doctor, I had to tell him on Friday about I want the varicose veins in my nuts pulled out. He was like, why? We can do this. Well, that's true. Game.

Shaley's going to be the anesthesiologist. I'm going to check the chicken log. One YouTube video, Shaley will get it wrong and then watch it again. If Shaley has experience checking the chicken log, he can pull testicle varicose veins out.

After I use the drill to make the glory hole we can we can turn to you just wipe some alcohol yeah yeah i'll sterilize it i'm not an yeah yeah you make my glory hole be honored yeah it was uh i had to i think i started once i made him laugh the first time i think i kept trying to make him laugh so So I told him about having to, you know, why do you want the varicose seals removed? And I said, well, because between the added heat, you know, because once you get heat, your balls move away from you. And then it also adds weight.

So between, I said, between the two of those, I said, when I sit on the toilet. It sucks meat out of your dick. When your balls drop, your penis shrinks. It's like a seesaw. It's true. Yeah. You put your fucking balls in ice water, your dick grows an extra inch.

At our age. Oh, I never thought about that. Where else is it going to go? I'll sell the Viagra and then just duct tape an ice cube to the bottom of my balls, and I'll come out ahead. Your dick is bigger. It's not going to your brain. It's the opposite.

So I had to tell him that I have to take a chunk of scrotum meat and tuck it in between my leg and the toilet seat in order to keep my balls out of the water in the toilet. He did not laugh at that i thought it was you said this the other night at the bumsteads gig at the best western that and i i couldn't like i will like reach between my legs and just pull up a little ball skin but you put it in like between the toilet seat and the lid no between your thigh and the toilet seat and the lid? No, between your thigh and the toilet seat. You just tuck it up under your thigh.

So from underneath. So just right here in front of you. Just lift it up and put it underneath your thigh on the seat. Oh, see, maybe you're... He wants to be hands-free. Yeah, yeah, I'm on my phone. No, I would have to tuck it between my leg and my, you know, fuda, fat upper dick area.

So to put it between. So you just reach down between your legs and just pinch a hunk of it, pull it straight up, and then just shove it underneath your leg in between your leg and the toilet seat. And now it's suspended. Yeah, okay. That seems weird. That means it's under your thigh.

You're sitting on a piece of your ball sack. A little bit. Sure. Maybe I'm not a big man like you. My spindly legs. You keep reaching behind you to reach your ball sack. Is your ball sack coming out of a vagina or in front of you? No, between a fucking seat.

Why don't we take a break, go into the main house? Demonstrate. Yeah. Why not here? Because there's obviously a lot of confusion. We're in mixed company. Yeah. Oh, you're saying ladies aren't strong enough to fucking.

We don't have a toilet. Everybody here is seen on beanbags. Tracy's a woman of a certain age. She has labia that she might be getting a hint. We still need a seat with a hole in it. If you had labia, you would have to pull it up under both thighs. I can't picture it. That's weird.

I don't know how you can't. How the toilet seat gets involved. I would just hold it. You'd have to lift your leg and get it pinched. You lift between your legs, not outside your leg. I know, but still, I don't know. We're men

of different sizes. Could be. Listen, I hang my toilet paper the opposite way of everybody else. You underhand your toilet paper? What? Absolutely. All you little tiny people have such luxury to hang it the other way. If I hung it that way, my elbow would knock off 400 yards of toilet paper.

Well, that's how much it takes to wipe a fat man's ass. So go ahead. I have a little tiny white man's ass. Only my belly's fat. I'm fat, but at least i have no ass that's what that's why during my uh uh flood trip i had to get rid of my belt and switch to suspenders to hold my pants up because it just wouldn't belt just wouldn't hold it ah yeah it just straight slides off. Yeah, but the front pushes it all down. Yeah. As much as I've ever gotten thin in an AIDS-y way,

it's never affected my gut. My gut is always there. Like an old mother cat that's had a litter of nine. I was telling Raider at breakfast yesterday, my grandmother, my mom's mother is from Montana and she's a full-blooded Indian and she is from the Gros Ventre tribe. And Jenny always would tell me, you are built like everybody on your mother's side of the family. Everybody's all like a weeble that grew legs. Everybody's all like a weeble that grew legs. And so I found out, I researched it.

Grosvent in French means wheat belly. So my family's ancestry is from the wheat belly tribe of Indians. One tribe wonder. You have to really Google. Yeah, they're not a large. Yeah. have to really google it's yeah they're not a large uh yeah as long as we've been doing uh crossword puzzles where they try to nail you with obscure indian tribes that has not come in that has never come up well if it does it's uh two words i believe it's g-r-o-s uh v-e-n-t yeah

you listening there will shores shorts shores what Shorts? Shores? What? New York Times? Are you drunk? The New York Times editor. The puzzle editor. You would know this, Tracy. The puzzle editor's name? Will Shores? See, every time he has a problem because he's a lawyer,

every time Rader has a problem with a crossword answer, he finds out who he can sue. Who's the editor of this? Who's responsible for this? Who else works for the editor? Who else syndicates the New York Times crossword? Yes, always a person that sues. See, you can use epithets without saying the word.

One of those persons that sues everybody that's from New York. It's a good lawyer. Rhymes with news. 19 across. sex rulers of the underpants universe keep your balls off your legs and such sex underwear don't have sweaty balls was that good Keep your balls off your legs and such. Saks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good?

I don't know. But it was beautiful having everyone in Tucson. We had like eight of us. Yep. And no Bisbee Funhouse regulars. It was an actual audience, but still eight of us. Yep. And no Bisbee Funhouse regulars. It was an actual audience, but still 10 of us. No smoking pot in the room. Angela. Angela, our lady at the front desk.

This is where I wrote most of the book when I had to get the fuck out of here. Because there was always one person coming over that you couldn't say no to hey i saved your life in the nam i'm only in town for a day i'm like all right i'll not right so yeah that's why i have best western ashtrays and signs all over and i smoked in their fucking room and every time go, you can't smoke in the room. And I was sitting outside smoking. I must have blown in. And then one time a neighbor fucking complained about the smoke.

And I just tell them I'll pay for their fucking room. And I did. So, yeah. When the fucking Hannigan killer termites. Just, hey, Hennigan. When is the hard copy coming out? Oh, I'm working on it. Yeah. Did you ask him?

The dedication will be to Angela at the Best Western for never throwing me out. But this time when we had 10 of us, everyone got a lecture. Yes. No smoking of any kind in the room. Even if it's pot. I like that that's what they're concerned about. And meanwhile, the carpet squishes between your toes if you walk barefoot on it. It's so fucking disgusting.

Just humidity. The carpet is... I'm never barefoot. Just switch to fucking floating floors. I came out of the shower and started to walk, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I immediately threw my towel on the floor and just stood on that. I'm just going to wait here until I dry. I'm not walking off this carpet again barefoot.

I'm sorry. Someone emailed me, and even Hennigan didn't know this, said, hey, Brian Hennigan, I know she was emailing me, but I know you are his manager, so you must check this email or otherwise it's some flunky intern. But either way, Mr. Hennigan, why is your Wikipedia page the fifth word and first adjective about you that you're uncircumcised? Does that really matter? Does anyone really care? Go ahead. Read it, Raider, because Hennigan didn't know this existed on his Wikipedia. I didn't know he had a Wikipedia page.

How do you have a Wikipedia page? So Raider looked it up. Brian Hennigan is an uncircumcised British novelist, producer, and director. That's what you get when you have the nickname the Uncut Scotsman for 20 years. That's not his

moniker that he came up with. Do you think any of us with Wikipedia pages wrote it ourselves? Like I can always tell in an interview, it says you did ecstasy on stage in 2006. Like, I don't know if that's still there, but I know when the interviewer has no idea who I am,

they just read the Wikipedia page and I have done drugs on stage, including this tour. Why would one occasion? It's not that Wikipedia is all full of shit. Like it used to be. In the early days, anyone could get on. All my fans would say that I was born a hermaphrodite or whatever. What was the one?

You were a member of ABC's The View or whatever. No, you were supposed to be the host you were slotted to be the host of Family Feud I love that one after the one guy killed himself and then Louis Anderson that was very artful yeah but yeah

now it's just incomplete like I don't read it it's like fucking Twitter responses. If I'm fucking high and have a year and a half off because of a plague, then I'll fight with you on Twitter. But not now. I've got things to do. That'll never happen.

Why would I fucking respond to you on Twitter? If you fucking make me mad, I'll make a bid out of it and sell it. I'm not going to give it away. You might have been the catalyst for it. Yeah, I'll have the whole conversation in my head and write it down. You don't have to be a part of it. I mean, you were there for the show. There's like a local thing that I was never able to talk about.

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And it segues in with the other things I can to talk about. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And it segues in with the other things I can't talk about. Yeah. The podcast. No, live. Because those people aren't fucking coming to my show. Hey, can you close your ears for a minute?

Let me talk to the podcast listeners for just one minute. All right. All right. Don't listen. No, no, no. I went to the uh stanhope show the other night and it uh really made me see something uh like an epiphany like after all this time of hanging out i forget that you know stanhope just my my friend stanhope you know for a while and

then you go and you see him do his new uh set and you're like oh yeah that's just my friend stanhope that's also comedy fucking legend yeah doug stanhope holy shit it just blew me out of the water then at breakfast the next day you have to go forget about what you saw last night this is the guy who's gonna yell at the waitress if there's not a chalula yeah it's only tabasco and i knew it was coming but that was my my advertisement to go see stanhope and it's fucking sincere But that was my advertisement to go see Stanhope. And it's fucking sincere. Well, that actually happened because we talked about this because he didn't have his tickets. His little free breakfast complimentary voucher things.

And you're just like, no, we need to see your fucking tickets. Meanwhile, the sign outside says, Bumstead's Doug Stanhope sold out. Like 30 feet from where he's sitting. This is not something I'm bragging to other comedians about because, again, it holds 60 or 70 people. But to the fucking karaoke people that think they have that fucking venue. No, I was there before they made it Bumstead's. I've been fucking at that hotel i was there when that bar was afraid when someone came in when it was that time it was still karaoke a few times

it's changed oh uh the well the hotel no longer owns it yes the the bumsteads that whole bar area but they still work it's it's awesome that they still work in concert because it could easily have been like fuck you and like not give a deal or anything like that whenever i went over early in the uh when i first got there and i got something to eat and i had a couple of drinks and i asked the lady who i think may have been the owner and i was like can i borrow this glass to go and have cocktails back with my friends and rather than a plastic little skinny plastic cup and she was like uh no and i go i'm just gonna borrow it i'll bring it back later you know it's like no no and i'm like all right well that's fine and so i have another couple of drinks i'm like can i rent it and then she didn't think that was funny and i was like that was this this

is barbara the co-owner who is already sweating all the seating. Well, before that, when we first, I should say, when we first walked in there, I sat down. She goes, are you going to be having something to drink or something to eat? It's 4.30 in the afternoon. And I said, a little bit of both. And she said, okay. She goes, well, wait, hold on. And I said, okay.

And she asked the other guy, she goes, what time is it? He said, 4.30. And she goes, okay, we have a sold out show here at six. So you got to be out of here by then. I said, okay, I will be out of here by six. You're best. No problem. He didn't ever drop that I'm on the show.

Well, I learned that from you. That's not a thing you do. And it's funner that way because the guys at the end immediately started a conversation. I'm like, well, who the fuck is here? Sold out show. Doug Sandholm from Biz Week. I think he's a big deal. end immediately started a conversation about well who the fuck is here sold out show uh doug stanhope from bizweek i think he's a big deal so it was funny to listen to the whole conversation down in the air and i knew i could i could probably score a glass but i didn't want to uh i didn't

want to invoke stanhope's name again after i'd already done it once for a hotel room. So, I left with no glass. She would not even respond to me anymore. But it was nice to see after the show when we were all sitting outside the Shailene Tracy's room, I looked around and I saw that like five of us had walked out

with a glass. So, I was like, well, alright. Mine's at my house. We got in trouble trying to walk back in with them at one point, though. Like, whoops. To return them?

There's a doorman, yeah, there's a doorman there and he's like, come on. I'm like, oh, shit,

sorry. That doorman either had really bad allergies or they're going to get a new doorman pretty soon. And, Phoenix, second show, there's still tickets available after that i don't know i

know there's uh portland i think is all sold out there's st louis there is hennigan is doing his usual hennigan where oh we might have dates that's like two weeks from now, but we might add on to that. Well, if it's a rock and roll show like Bumstead, no, it sells out quick. Yeah, but he's talking about keep up,

get on the mailing list. Oh, yeah, because that's how you're going to know fucking last minute. If you're in Columbus or St. Louis, we're talking about Omaha. He booked some things wrong when we're supposed to do that weird vacation.

Anyway, there's and when this comes out, Boston is he's like, we need to push the second show in Boston. This is it will already have happened by the time this. All right. Well, good. I was going to say, you know what? I don't mind a half full audience in Boston because they're're big fucking pricks i was talking to raider about this yesterday i'm checking these chicago dates to see if there's still tickets available yes oh and chicago is with uh with uh juniors and you've got some special guests uh opening up the Chicago date, right? Yes.

Crip Daddy and Adam Gilbert. Donovan's going to be on that one. Yeah. Nice. At least the first one. I haven't talked to him. I haven't figured shit out. Right.

Yeah. So that's September 10th and 11th. There's still some tickets available for the 10th, and there are some tickets available for the 11th as well. So get on that. Yeah. Junior's always going to be in Chicago. He's always going to be on the bill in Chicago.

And then we already talked about Phoenix after that with Brendan Walsh. Yeah, we have some thank yous, but unless you have them in front of you. I got it right here. Someone gave us this, I believe, in San Francisco. It's a just trippy fucking. That's cool. It's a flash. But it's like, I'm just looking at the art

going, man, he fucking put some time in it. He gave you the Pulitzer jacket. That Lily Pulitzer. Oh. Was it Lucy? No, Lily Pulitzer. That's the one in... Yeah, put the jacket on there. It looks cool.

So that's Tom. Thank you very much, Tom, for that. Postcards, I don't know. Raider gave me a Xanax last night. Should I shout that out? No, that didn't happen. I found one in your amulet. That's a controlled substance. I hope you're saving a big, huge

thank you chunk for me. I got about a million. There's a letter here. I didn't pre-read it, but they sent a drunk wives matter uh koozie thank you and uh the guy who gave us the bibles from the pima county prison is that a thing yeah yeah he got he gave us bibles that were from the prison and at bumsteads and i go we're not selling bibles he's like no i have my go look i don't have any for sale doug can't sign look i'm i want to give you bibles just be quiet from a prison yeah all right pima county good represent

i don't i don't know if we told chad this i don't or we said it on a podcast but the one night in denver since we're not doing merch in Denver either, he taped Bibles underneath three different chairs. So at the end of the show, I go, hey, by the way, we're not doing merch, but three of you have lucky Bibles that I'd already signed under your chairs. Yeah, that's awesome. If you go to Patreon, I'll post the pictures of one of the guys

that got the Bible. One guy found of the guys uh that got the bible one guy found it early because he was just waiting and as soon as that goes if you look under your chairs and i see a guy right up yeah he was looking for gum and found god drugs under here why they were folding chairs and i'm like of course i'm over engineering the whole fucking thing i got my gaff tape and i'm like hold on if they sit on it it's gonna bow out i need to put a little play in the thing i was just yeah because i didn't want it to go too early and it worked out perfect and then yeah i don't know what you guys did on stage after that andy i don't know yeah i don't uh i have not uh been on here uh uh since i got back from globe and to tell you

guys uh everybody uh all over thank you so much for helping me with that stay in globe i i you guys between everybody i think i got like over five thousand dollars to help my grandparents and stay there paid for my motel rooms i bought totes i bought tools i bought shop vacs i got drywall i got so much things to help put them back in their house they got their uh uh yesterday they had their flooring all put in so they're moved back into their house uh and i just wanted to make sure i said thanks to everybody next time i was on the podcast let's uh we quit, Raider and I were talking about how curious it is that you were in such a good mood that night and still the next morning at breakfast and still now. Yeah, that fucking manual labor for a month.

Some changes took place. For sure. It did not go unnoticed. No, I'm not lazy, as lazy as I was. I couldn't wait to get home and do shit that I've been putting off for years because it seemed really easy. I was like, I have to clean out my closet. I haven't wanted to clean out my closet in years.

And I'm like, well, I don't have to shovel three feet of mud out of it and then decide all the shit that i need to throw away that i thought was good i mean it's really easy to do not being able to sell merch for this tour made me focus on actually doing comedy and not hating it because i have to fucking do merch because doing merch i fucking love to meet you guys but when i'm at a deficit of comedy after a fucking year and a half of you know stuck alone yeah not meeting you is making me a better comment and by the way we had plenty of meeting going on after the shows when we found a bar and we just found people there. Yeah, but it was five people in line that last longer than my set. And fucking watch everyone try to figure out their cameras.

Even if you're drunk and it seems like a good idea in the start of that line, I could only imagine how horrible by the middle of that line you would be like why the fuck am i doing this and i got a good bit about that that i didn't even relate to the merch booth but yeah i i'm i'm really excited to have like more material than that needs to be worked out but that's the fun and i say that on stage i would rather if i was a a customer a fan of comedy i'd much rather watch the oh i'm pulling fucking rabbits out of my ass set than i would oh uh this is my last run before i film it for a special where it's just all repetitive. Okay, now I know my.

Chad had a really good point, too. There is an online store. Absolutely. Is that open? I think that might have. I didn't put that into the right spot, Tracy, but you're right. You can still get merch. I mean, yeah. So why?

Doug, before you leave, will you sign like 10 Bibles we can put on sale on the store? Yeah. Let's do that. Because I've got that bag full of them. Nice. And a couple from the jail, it turns out. I do want to say thank you to, you met this guy. He was the artist who did this poster for the Oriental Theater Show in Denver.

He dropped him off. Daniel, he came backstage and you met him, right? Yeah. That is fucking stunning. Doug doesn't remember. No, no. I remember getting those. I thought we got those here. We got those on the road? Yeah. Yeah, in Denver. Denver. Didn't we get some

here before we left? Yeah, no. I fucking love the poster. Yeah, that's amazing. He sent five. Danny Argote. A-R-G-O-T-E. Nice. And yeah, I'll post that on Patreon as well. If you want to get more extra stuff, just go to patreon.com slash danlapodcast.

And we're going to post some extra stuff from the tour on that. I still have more thank yous. Oh, go ahead. I mean, oh uh hoot looney april dropped me off a shirt when she was here from uh harley davidson and eugene oregon when she went to visit andy and a bunch of our ladies thank you oh hoot looney i don't know whatever happened to you with that missoula gig but eventually we'll get to that story it's a fucking small story but it's a private jet she was our operative she helped

us out on that one really oh yeah we still don't know who's to blame a lot of stuff and like i was saying earlier uh you know what i'd love to fucking palos verdes and a million other people that we couldn't put the killer termites uh you know that was a gig that didn't happen in missoula it wasn't our fault they tried to make it sound like it was our fault we don't know who's to blame and it's not a time to be finding fucking the guilty party it's time to move forward i keep writing this goddamn act and going out and having goddamn fun on the road because we had a lot of fun audiences and a lot of fun people. It's been fun to watch you all, you know, just

online and stuff even. I knew right away, like, Sandoval looks like he's having fun. Which means everybody is having fucking fun. So that was cool. Also, I don't know if I told you guys, but Clint Thulu on Twitter sent me a PlayStation 5.

Oh, you got it. I got it hooked up the other day. And I've already streamed on Twitch a couple of times with it. Thank you very much to Clint. To find his Twitch, just go to Twitter at HDFatty and the pinned. And then there's another one more. I'll just do one more. And there's probably a bunch more.

No, go. Go. Fuck it. So while I'm in Globe. I'll just do one more. And there's probably a bunch more. No, go. Go. Fuck it. So while I'm in Globe, I get a message on Instagram. I can probably read it, but I'll summarize it. The guy says, I've been listening to your podcast for a long time. And he said, I heard you're going elk hunting soon. And he said, I'm the regional dude for the Rocky Mountain area for Sitka gear, hunting gear.

Oh, wow. And he said, I want to outfit you with solid gear for your hunt. Here's my phone number. Call me. And I, so, of course, immediately called him. And it was funny because he answered the phone. He said, there's only one phone number that I would answer from Sierra Vista, Arizona. He said, this must be Chadshank.

And I said, it is. I said, I can't believe it. He said, are you familiar with Sitka gear? And I said, I'm familiar with it in that I know that Joe Rogan wears it hunting and promotes it. And that it's not anything I could ever afford because it's the most top of the line hunting gear there is. And he said, well, he goes, you're right. He said, it is top of the line. And he said, I want to set you up with it.

He sent me like $2,000 worth of hunting gear, pants, shirts, jackets. This shit is scientific clothing. Do the pants come with a belt that will hold them up over your big fat gut i'm gonna have to throw the suspenders on him for certain because uh he sent me a uh 40 because that's what i told him to send me and it turns out that i can fit my 38s now and uh almost my 36s so I'm going to have to suspender them, but that's even more comfortable. These are literally

scientific clothing that will wick your sweat away from you, but it won't let your scent penetrate the clothing for hunting. It's fucking insane. Maybe we can get Doug a suit for the stage. So he can fly. A flying suit. No, so he can sit in the car next to me.

Jesus Christ. Fuck the pilot. I've spent a lot of time. I know. In No Encore for the Donkey, I wrote about how he wouldn't book Junior in the summer because he doesn't believe in deodorant. And I had the nervous sweats. I smelled way worse than junior this entire tour

and showering doesn't take that away if you don't shower junior left his coat i'm like hey junior you're getting ready to get in the uber your coat your coat i know you can have it i'm not fucking keeping this thing well no one wants this yeah he just found because we're the first night in flagstaff we're freezing our balls off it was 57 degrees for a high in arizona in august so we went to this fucking thrift store to buy anything and Junior's a huge fucking monster of a Peter Boyle young Frankenstein. And so he

reminds me of the Indian guy in One Flew Over. So he bought it there just to warm up because that's the only thing you'd find was a sport coat in his size. all the hoodies that we bought uh but uh god damn it i was going somewhere and i forget the smell of his coat

oh the smell of me i i beat him out badly i i'd say a tie at best when we were specific and i shared a room with you i shared a room with you and but i would walk by junior and go whoa and i'm like all right that coat's not and i kept it because i want to make him wear it oh that's where i was going brendan walsh showed up with a a rose battle with jeff ross what were those old school coats called is it. Okay, it's like a baseball jacket. It's shiny. Like a silk. He's like, you guys like my

jacket? It's like in the 80s, shiny baseball jacket with snaps. And it's the shiny polyester. Comedy Central Premium, like they gave it to people on the show or something like that. Yeah, but in 1980 i can't like i guess jeffrey ross had a rose battle in 1980 no i'm saying vinyls coming back so are those oh yeah yeah it was all but acid wash jeans it's just that

so when that still showed up after walsh was off the tour. I'm like, did he just wear that as a goof and just left it with us? So I texted him when I confirmed he's coming to Phoenix. Do you want this back? Was that an accident you left here? Because who would wear that jacket? I had a family billiards jacket like that in 1989. And I go, it's one of those things. You look back.

I can't believe I wore that so I didn't know if it was no he wants it back so he does yeah he left it he goes no I'll sell it on eBay yeah oh we should sell it on eBay fuck him he's he left it balled up at our door

when on the on the day we were leaving I walked out the door and almost tripped over it it was that and our ice bucket. So, I mean, he left it for us. Now he's taking it back? No, we're selling it. We should put it on eBay and then do a Twitter poll. Who gets the money?

And then have it end on the 12th or whatever the last night of fucking i'm sorry i don't know my dates i know my next date that's all i can look at we'll do it on the the end of the phoenix date which will be september 14th what are the options on the twitter poll should we have the money go to todd berry no i understand why, but yeah. That's their beef. My beef with him being a cheap cunt is different. Oh, I didn't know you had a beef.

Ah, just he was... He's really cheap. I would never give him any money. We could find some interesting choices. Interesting. Bisbee Animal Shelter that's one of them, Chad's Twitch stream that's another one

everything except Brendan Walls I have my El Rancho Bible and room key I thought you were going to say t-shirt like they sold t-shirts with the guy fucking jacking up speed I thought it was a good Bible because in the back of it somebody Like they sold t-shirts. With the guy fucking jacking up speed into his veins.

I thought it was a good Bible because in the back of it, somebody that stayed there at one point took the time to refute things and bullet statements. And the Bible is the best-selling fiction book of all time. And then it just starts refuting facts in the Bible. And I'm like, oh, that's kind of a nice Bible. You get those every once in a while. Let's get the fuck out of here because we're just going to keep this conversation going all night.

Thank you guys, everyone. I'll see you on the road. I'll see you at a, you can probably figure out what bar I'm going to be in in your town, but I'm not out shaking hands until it's allowed. Take us out of here, Big Go. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you.