The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#463: Royal Sun Off Night

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Chaille meets up with Doug at the Royal Sun and to recap the Boston gigs and prepare for another week on the road. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Sep. 7th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night, everyone. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, we're here. I don't know if you can hear us. We're at old school on the microcassette recorder. Chaley forgot the cable.

One cable. One job. We're sitting in a fucking wayward Tucson motel waiting to go to Phoenix, waiting to go to Chicago, waiting to go back to Phoenix to do some gigs. And I've just returned from Boston and Foxwoods in Mashantucket, Connecticut. Boston was the theater. Warner? Is it Warner? Wilbur. Wilbur Theater.

Yeah. Mashantucket. They taught us how to pronounce that. It's like what a cross-dresser does. Yes. Mashantucket. Yeah. Is transvestite still a word for a cross-dresser?

If someone just cross-dresses and they're not transgendered whatsoever, what do you, what do you call it? It could be just a performer. Yeah. I'm saying a lot of cross-dressers aren't transgender whatsoever. They're just like dressing up as the other sex. And that's.

And perform. They're on stage. When we were kids, there was a transvestite and trans, there was two words back in the. Transsexual. That's someone getting the. Oh yeah. Transvestite and trans... There was two words back in the... Transsexual? That's someone getting the... Oh, yeah, transsexual and trans...

That's someone post and... Yeah, transvestite was the one that liked to dress up, I thought. Transsexual is someone who actually got the surgery. So there's an in-between. I don't know, probably... Rocky Horror Picture Show is transvestite. Well, wouldn't Jesus be a cross-dresser? Wouldn't that be cultural appropriation

for someone who was nailed to a cross? What? You can't say cross-dresser. Dress like Jesus. Boston was fucking phenomenal. Boston, I kept confusing with San Francisco because it was similar in that the

bar was just right past the venue and I was having a good time. I've seen Last Call more times in the last two weeks than in fucking five years before that, probably. Well, you have to because you can't do like you do at home where you get up at 3 in the morning and come out. We're still there, and you get a couple of cocktails to go back to the house. It's done. I mean, it might go a little bit later. You and Tracy and Randolph have stepped up the game to like 6.30 is the average go to bed time.

6.30 a.m. I wish I could take credit for it, but I've got shit to do. You've hit a few of them. Oh, yeah. Definitely. And playing a lot of music, too. Yeah, I've seen a goodnight cocktail and then woken up for their goodnight cocktail when I'm cooking breakfast. Yeah.

Cooking bacon for the dog. Well, that dog's not eating bacon anymore either. Oh, we cooked all the leftover Henry food. Did you? Yeah, I cooked so much stuff the other night. Barbecued, and it didn't rain. We did like an 18-pack

of turkey legs, or not turkey legs, chicken legs. And then, you had two steaks in there, pork chop, we had corn, and I also, pork chop. We had corn. And I also did – Wait, you defrosted it? And ribs. No, no.

It was all sitting there. It was already half the pack had been eaten. All right. And then we also did ribs from the farmer's market. And then we did one of those crazy vegan chicken logs for Tracy. It was a full day. Yeah. Henry Phillips, I don't want to say died suddenly

But the call was sudden I got the call right before the Friday show Or the first show in Boston 7.30 Boston time Almost This is the second pet that died On a weekend last call Where trousers

Well, would she last the weekend? Well, she could, but if she doesn't, she'd die in agony. So you're making a 4.30 p.m. because they close at 5 p.m. and they're not open until Monday. So you're like, ah, okay, kill it. You're the guy walking into

Applebee's in 10 minutes to 10 when they close at 10. And they're like, ah, man. But you do that with the pet. So they're trying to rush you onto whatever's convenient for them. Yeah. So that happened with Henry Phillips. God bless her.

And the thing is, not only did I have to make the call, you know, the judgment call. They're saying, bingo, they're saying it could do a thing. I go, let me just talk to the doctor. Don't, Chinese, don't phone this. And I'm like, yeah, put her back on the phone. Yeah, go ahead, put her down. But they said,

Chaley said, keep the body so we can bury him next to Ichabod. And I'm like, ah, just the thought of her having to drive back with a dead dog in the car. And then she's calling me. Weeping urine the whole way. Yeah, into a cardboard

makeshift cardboard box. Oh, I thought when she said, yeah, she pissed herself. I thought when she was being put down, she pissed herself. I didn't know she pissed herself from the, from the netherworlds. Uh,

so then, but I'm still closing on the Ichabod story. yeah. Well, when I called you, you were eight minutes, I think, till you were going to go on.

Yeah. Yeah. So it was, uh, yeah, there's no point in not letting you know what's going on. Yeah. Oh,

well, yeah, that's, that's the funny story. It's, it's not going in the act you know what's going on. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah, that's the funny story. It's not going in the act. I mean, it hit its half-life. Yeah. It's still going to play in the U.K. and whatnot.

Well, the... The Ichabod story, we added another dog into the story because it's a good story. And a lot of the same details. This dog fucking never liked me anyway. Henry was 13, 14 years old?

Yeah, they were both 14. And how, what was the time span between, you got Ichabod first, because Ichabod was under the house, right? Yeah, about six months. So that's pretty close. I thought there was a year or two. Maybe a year. Yeah, they're like Irish twins. We got them

six months apart. How old they were a week ago. And yeah, Erica Rhodes and Chrissy Mayer. Erica Rhodes opened for me. We talked about Erica Rhodes from San Francisco, I'm sure. Is that where you met her before we got into town?

Yeah. Yeah. She was doing the Sunday night when they were wanding people for metal detectors on a Sunday night female comedy show. I go, is there some East Coast, West Coast fucking rap shit going on with female comics? Are you metal detectors? Death row. So, yeah, she was was there and she was phenomenal. There was a fight that broke out.

Yeah, I heard about that from someone in the audience before you even called me. Yeah. Erica Rhodes, and I'm sure she hates hearing it, but she's very Maria Bamford, looks like Maria Bamford. She's very unique, but

if you wanted to point at someone... Which everyone does. Yeah. It's just the same way I fucking hated Hicks and Hedberg hated Stephen Wright. But yeah, I get what you're... So she goes up the first

night and there's no MC. It's just she's going straight out with... Not even like an offstage announcer? So she goes up the first night, and there's no emcee. It's just she's going straight out with me. Not even like an offstage announce? Yeah. They had an offstage announce. Ladies and gentlemen, Erica Rhodes. That's at least something. It wasn't, let's get ready to rumble.

Come on, you can do better than that. Yeah. and two fucking giant dudes are sitting front row basically at an angle and then I didn't know any of this at the time I'm just

watching her from the wings and in a theater you kind of get echoey muffled sound is hard to hear at all and then I heard what seemed like a ruckus and I can only see her from the side, and she's looking back, darting her head to the thing, and then to her act thing,

there's a fight going on. She said that over the line? Yeah. And then she didn't say anything. So I got in the wings, I'm like, do you need me? And then she's made eye contact and went, okay, I think this is a good time to bring up your headliner right now. As the whole crowd is just watching this.

This guy's evidently just kept fucking chirping through the show. And an older and well smaller couple behind them asked them to please be quiet. And they said what for with a bunch of dirty words. And then she didn't like one of those dirty words, which Erica was pretty sure she heard a clear cunt. Yeah. And then she threw a drink in the meathead's face. And then now the little old guy has to, fuck you.

Thanks for solving it, lady. You couldn't have just gone and got security. I'll take it into my own hands while I sit here next to my nebbishy husband. Yeah. You know why our percentage is so low there? Because they have 1,000 people working security. Use them. Yeah, yeah.

And they're doing nothing. I mean, did they want to get into the Wilbur? Yes, actually, they did. Yeah, they wanted there, too. I think that is a policy of Live Nation. Live Nation. For sure. Because of an incident that happened recently since COVID.

No, no. Well, they said the Live Nation one was because of the Pulse Theater, Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. Oh, really? Oh, well, that could be it, too. But again, that could be shitty news. That might be wrong. Either way.

When the fight broke out, did security finally come over? Well, the fight went on for a prolonged amount of time while she stared at the fight. Yeah. Spectacle. Yeah. At least she's not going, oh, hey, she's saying nothing. She's terrifying. Hit him! Now, this is an old

theater, and it's fixed seats. It's not like they put out chairs like in Denver at the Oriental Theater, where you just spread chairs out and get a little pit going. Yeah, and I had no idea what had happened. So I see the little guy, you know, fuck you, as the bouncers are trying to pull him away. And then the big guy's kind of just leaning in and ogling and go on, take a swing kind of thing.

And then as it died down, I see the meatheads are still sitting there. So I just assumed that they had been to blame, and I'm like, I don't know. I'm not going to fucking get back into it and ask what had happened. But, like, I was as curious as anyone. Then the next time I looked over, the meatheads were gone.

So afterwards, I see go out and have my after show smoke, which I fucking, God, I love that opening. The Wilbur, you're in a fucking sewage-slimed alley to smoke on either side of the theater. It's literally because you have to go down the catwalks to get down into the alley where the garbage is. We at least were out on the landing the last time we were there. Yeah, no, I could get... There are rusty...

Fire escape. Fire escape things. But yeah, we didn't have to go down those. Our green room was down at that level. But I was just surrounded by rat traps on either side. It was like Vancouver at the old rickshaw. Rickshaw.

In the heroin district. In the daylight when the fucking rats are running. I don't think they had traps. Those rats fucking pawned the traps. I just had a funny I'm not even gonna...

I just had a funny opening line that wasn't working anyway about the rat traps. The Armageddon version of Deadliest Catch. I just kept pacing around, chain-smoking, the rat traps. Like the Armageddon version of Deadliest Catch. Just people pacing around, chain smoking, checking my traps. I'm getting a big haul this season.

In Alaska, they call it working the trap lines. Ah, see, I called Tracy for, give me some rat trap references that go with this. Trapping references, yeah. Yeah. Crab trap. Deadliest catch references. Trapping references, yeah. Crab trap. Deadliest catch references.

She worked crabbories. Not on a boat. She worked in the process. She did, but I thought she might have some of the lingo. And I go, well, I don't work a lot of places with rat traps. Now we're going to book a rat trap tour just so I can do one joke that's not even working.

She worked with all Chinese. If anything, she learned how to curse in Chinese and to make good ramen. So the fight broke out, and then security got over there, and then they kicked out

the nebbish guy and his wife. But that was the tightest I had written my set. I got in there the night before the show, had all day to work on my set, and then it was just completely out the window. I was fucking ordering shots.

Like, 40 minutes into my set, not shots, but a double, switch up to the double whiskey coke, just because I still had fucking adrenaline from fight happening. A fight happens and I have a mic. It's the same as I'm in the fight in my

head. If I talk shit, that's it. So yeah, I was thrown, but still great fucking audience the second night. Again, kids from fucking grade school at the Tam. The Tam is the bar that is right close to the block away.

Yeah, it's the La Roca of Boston. And I did. I kept confusing Boston for San Francisco. I guess there's some similarities, but in that block, there was enough. But Erica was great. She opened both nights? Yeah. Yeah, she opened both nights, and then she would go out to the Tam with me afterwards,

and she doesn't really drink. She's the reason we have that red berry Ciroc. Oh, really? Yeah. In San Francisco, someone gave me this, and I don't really drink. I'll take it.

Well, no one drinks that. But I didn't read, I was shit-faced, so I didn't read the fucking Redberry. I just read Ciroc, and I was disgusted. Yeah, vodka's all the same, but the marketing,

yeah, when you market dog shit. Some of the flavored vodkas are not good. I remember for a while there in Anchorage, there was a surge of throwing anything at the wall. There was a Froot Loops flavored vodka. Or whatever that. Vodka flavored whipped cream. Yeah, whipped cream.

It's like, fuck, man. Yeah, the fruit stuff is just too much. So, yeah, I'm not even going to try that. We'll just pass that off to someone. She said the next day, this is San Francisco, after I met her, and she gave me that. She texted me saying, hey, I hope you didn't throw away that bag that vodka was in. It had my paycheck in it. She got the boss.

I said, I have your, and there was also a card from a fan. Okay. I got your check and your other thing in the green room. And she went upstairs and came back down and said, I don't, this card is from, I don't know, a fan. Because she had me open it. But she'd completely forgotten, didn't understand. She goes, oh, I thought this was my paycheck from

you. Okay. It took her forever. I love that someone that young in comedy can still forget, oh, I never cashed that check. I didn't get why. Well, it does say well, maybe it doesn't.

Yeah, my punchline check said LA or something because it's Live Nation yeah or Cobbs why do I keep saying punchline it's another club well they own

they also do Cobbs sorry I disrespected you several times why not but both fucking Cobbs

and Boston and even Foxwoods we'll get back to Foxwoods after this break I'm gonna smoke a cigarette but uh yeah then Chrissy Mayer shows up please hold to even Foxwoods. We'll get back to Foxwoods after this break. I'm going to smoke a cigarette. Yeah, then Chrissy Mayer shows up.

Please hold. Bisbee Laundry and Cafe. If you're new to town, you moved in, you don't want to just keep fucking bothering your neighbor to do laundry. Bisbee Laundry. Because sometimes your neighbor's hung laundry. Bisbee laundry. Because sometimes your neighbor's hungover and doesn't want to fucking see anyone walking through his yard with a fucking Ikea bag

full of filthy fucking laundry. Yeah, sometimes I like to lock my door. Bisbee laundry and cafe. It routes well with Safeway. Make a day of it. It's got a cafe. Yeah, you could check your tweets. Make a day of it. It's got a cafe. Yeah, you can check your tweets.

Get a coffee salad. Tumble dry cycle goes. Yeah, I'm sure they have some finger foods. And it hits Safeway on the way back. So you don't have to take a left. It tastes like bleach, but you're fine. You can do a post office, laundry, Safeway, double back, switch the laundry. You can stop at Tin Town on a Wednesday and get free lunch. Stand in line for the, yeah.

Bisbee Laundry. So then, Foxwoods. Now, Foxwoods Casino, I guess it's like the largest casino in the country or whatever. Is it an Indian casino? Mash and Tucket. Connecticut, yeah.

And they send a... It's too close to drive. Connecticut, yeah. And they send a... It's too close to drive. So they sent a car. I don't know if I played Foxwoods once or twice. But all I remember is they... Yeah, they overdo it like a casino does for you. So they send a car to my hotel. Oh, my hotel in Boston.

The Moxie. Ugh. Ugh. Like chef's kiss? No. You know how the aloft kind of gears towards a not a hipster, but

like a mover and shaker kind of raver. Like everything Vegas gears itself towards to pretty people. Like my do not disturb sign was this buff fucking guy with chest hair. Like a fucking, a latter day neo Burt

Reynolds on a fucking, stretching out in his white linen boxers on the bed. This is just gay porn is all this is. And, like, it's all, like, it's shit. They still have stuff John Taffer uses in Bar Rescue. Like, all right, you made the old dumpy hotel nice by putting a, like a boutique hotel.

The world is your stage from a fucking Target. Yeah, it's Target home furnishings. It's dog shit. I'm trying to stay off Twitter except for output only. Don't read things. And I wanted to tweet. They play fucking hip-hop fucking rap in the elevators 24-7. And I used to think Kenny sucked at rap until I heard what is evidently popular in rap.

Kenny's right there with it. Yeah. Not that I'm saying Kenny's good. I'm saying he's mirroring the trade accurately. The bar keeps lowering. That's even with Kenny. Mumble rap. Yeah.

Mumble rap. Is that like humble brag? Did you just coin that? No. Mumble rap is what it's called. rap. Yeah, mumble rap. Is that like humble brag? Did you just coin that? No, mumble rap is what it's called. Is it? Yeah, yeah. Mumble rap. Could not be more accurate.

So I'm outside waiting for my car. They're driving you from their Boston hotel to Bosworth? So one time, I think Bingo was there. We got a limo. I think we were playing like Hartford or something. They sent a limo. I remember going, oh, they have cocktails in the limo. We can't not.

So we started drinking like three in the afternoon. And I remember the show sucking. But I remember blaming the audience. And I'm usually accurate. I don't know what year, but I know, yeah, this audience sucks. It's just a coincidence you got pickled at 3 o'clock. Yeah. You started drinking at 3.

Yeah, I don't know what year that was. Doesn't matter. This time, they set the car. I'm in my pajamas, my travel shirt, and a black gaiter. So I'm all, like, basically black and gray. And my car is late, and I went out to the second-story lobby to go. They said they were meeting me here, but does that mean downstairs in the lobby lobby or in the hotel lobby? Well, if they call.

And finally, my 70-year-old driver, he told me at length. He was chatty for the entire two-hour drive through fucking bad traffic to Foxwoods all about himself. Didn't get a single joke, I told him, but had a lot of his own jokes that I can use in my act. He was that guy. He was generous. He was like, I didn't think that you could be the guys picking up because you look like a homeless person. I'm in my tatter clothes. Comfy clothes.

And he chatted the whole fucking way. And I get to the hotel and I had my roller bag, my backpack, and then this white paper bag that they gave me when I filled up with fucking waters and club soda and shit, and I had a bag from the gift shop from that hotel. And then they greet me at the door. The head of security greets me at the door very taciturn which I was appreciating

after two hours of fucking chatting I met Don Rickles once here's my story I'm writing a book and he just has I don't have to check in he has my keys my welcome package and walks me with an earpiece in, like fucking Spiro Agnes, and gets me to the fucking elevators.

And it hasn't really said a word, and I haven't said a word. I'm hungover. So we get on this elevator, and it's a slow ride. Neither of us talking. And all of a sudden, the wet bottom of my bag opens up, and everything, fucking liter bottles of water, fucking club sodas, half a ham sandwich, just goes every direction across the floor. And I'm just standing there like Grandpa Simpson in that episode where his pants fall down and his tie rolls up. And Chrissy Mayer, who I've only known through

Twitter and I did her podcast, but she's part of the compound media folk. And before the show, I get a text from the I don't know who's who there. It's the biggest casino in the country. So whoever is booking me, it says, hey, make sure you have your Vax card for the stage manager.

And I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't know how, what goes on with who, but I know compound media, a lot of them lean a little right wing there on some levels. I'm like, ah, fuck. She might be an anti-vaxxer. I'm not close. I don't ask a lot of questions. I don't even ask you a lot of questions. Much less fucking basic strangers.

And I'm like, uh, they say we have to have our vax cards text back. Are you kidding? She's there with her boyfriend. I'm like, I... and then we get up. She comes up to my room because security is going to walk us the Elvis walk through the back fucking service elevator

into the kitchen. Just like Bobby Kennedy. Fucking Sir Han Sir Han. And all that to the stage. It feels kind of cool. When you get the guy. But the whole time, we're like, all right, this is what we do. Hang on.

Because they didn't have their vax card. Still don't know if they're vaccinated or not. She goes, oh, no one told us. I don't know if they're at home, but here's a. Okay, we'll assume the sale. I wish it was like a fake ID thing where you can hand it back. Hand them my card and then hand it to you. And then I said, then we get in the green room and we haven't met the stage manager yet. I go here.

She's like going to the bathroom. I go, that's good. Listen, when he comes in, if he asks for it, just go to the bathroom. I'm going to say I'll use the bingo excuse. She gets nervous diarrhea before a show. She probably will be in there. And she goes, what if I, my period, I can use my period. It was like a mini Argo movie where like, how do we get these hostages out of direct?

This is so ludicrous. It'll never work. Oh, wait, you could do the, I just got the call about Henry Phillips the other night you could do oh my loved one is dying right now and then turn on the waterworks right up until you get once you get on stage and then the stage

manager came in he was probably my driver's age and I immediately engaged him in conversation how long has this been? Have you been here, like, since it opened? You're actually showing an interest in it. And she's like, I was wondering why you, like, why were you turning to fucking involve his ego so he wouldn't go, oh, by the way, I need Vax cards.

He just wanted to talk about himself. That fellow's pretty good over there. Yeah. Yeah. Vax cards are nice. He just wanted to talk about himself. That fellow's pretty good over there. That's Chris Blythe. Because we always ask the bar staff in the green room who the biggest shitheads they've ever had to work with are. That's generally comedy clubs. Like the corporate ones.

But they only do comedy. This is a showroom. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. When I said he's been here since 1992, he was a sweetheart, too. And I don't think he ever gave a fuck about a fax card. I don't think I pulled a fast one over anyone. He was just happy to get through another night.

And the biggest shithead after he said, it's a long list. And she said, Chrissy says, give us your top five. And he went, Barry Manilow. Like, we're used to Eddie Griffin and fucking Screech from Saved by

the Bell. Barry Manilow. There was one that was so dated, I don't even know who it is. But was it Ashley Barry Manilow. There was one that was so dated I don't even know who it is. But was it actually Barry Manilow or Barry Manilow's crew? Maybe his road manager was hard to deal with.

I was so befuddled at the name Barry Manilow. Oh, and you're... Yeah, he said one comic, but she might have just been having a bad Yeah he said One comic But she might have just been having a bad day Rita Redner No no I won't even say

Because that was One of She had a giant entourage Yeah So you never know who's the prick How many times That's Ellen the big entourage

I'm just guessing no how many times would someone say Doug Stanhope because they had to deal with Brian Hennigan and I was not even part of the yeah yeah like and Brian's never

at the gigs so So, like, there would be just someone. Yeah, someone who wasn't even in the green room. He answered the phone. Yeah. Fucking Doug Standoff, that fucking sniveling fucking Scotsman. They'd probably call me an Irishman.

I know. You know, the one thing we get a lot of is how easy we are to work with because we really don't expect much more than a microphone and lights when we go there. Because usually it's already, the tickets are already done. There's no box office. We basically, more times than not, we mobile green room to where there's not any concern. Like, when we do have a request, they grant it immediately because they haven't had to do anything other than ice and water. Well, yeah, this green room did, in fact, we usually get a bottle of vodka and some grapefruit juice.

Or any juice, in fact. And soda, yeah. And I didn't want to go out. I was so happy when Chrissy Mayer showed up with her boyfriend because I had a smoking suite. And I'm like, I don't want to fucking hang out in the casino and drink fucking $11 drinks or whatever the hell they are. When I can just sit in my room and smoke. But I also, I don't know Chrissy Mayer. And I'm not going to say, you want to go up to my suite to drink? Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Thank God you have a fucking, and a cool boyfriend. Frank, shouts out. So, just like I've been stealing all the toiletries the first time, 20-something years. Yeah.

Like, when you're first on the road, I'm going to take all the soaps and shampoos and conditioners and the fucking coffee things. Or like Gilbert Gottfried does now. I didn't know about that. I know the Ron Jeremy documentary about what a cheapskate he is, and he would steal everything, and he wouldn't have luggage. He would travel with a trash bag

with his clothes in it. But she's like, yeah, that's the exact same as Gilbert Gottfried. Where do you put that shit? Especially if you live in New York. He's got huge under the bed like roller tubs. Yeah, and it's just

full of those little tiny bottles and stuff. But you can take a leak out. Yeah, you're going to piss. Yeah. I'll make a drink. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Anyway, point being, Bingo, because she's been Airbnb-ing that house, has been using hotel soap shampoos. Please do not send us hotel soap shampoo.

Because Bingo's ideas and her flights of fancy, they run out of steam quick, and we're still going to have lots of shampoo, and I don't have any hair to use it on. But send other fun things to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. It's been nice to be back out on the road. Been stealing Bibles when you can. Bibles should become more expensive expensive as Chaley's writing. Write this down because they're becoming far more rare in hotels.

Hotels are not carrying Bibles. In fact, hotels don't even have the fucking booklet of how to use shit. Oh, like the three ring binder with room services? Late night menus. They're all either scanned How to use shit. Oh, like the three-ring binder with room service and shit? Late-night menus.

Yeah. They'll all either scan this or turn on channel this. That's part of COVID protocol is to have a QR scan and everything. Yeah, don't touch nothing. You can touch all these fucking plastic cups like you're drinking out of because it can be sealed in plastic. They've always had that. But the ones that used to have glasses

now have plastic cups and no Bibles. If there was a way to verify one death from someone reading a hotel Bible that's been sullied by other people that would be a great death. That would be funnier than selfie death

or vaping death. Be the, oh, two people in a row read the Bible and one of them had COVID. Wasn't a super spreader, but it was the best spreader ever. Well, we are going to do posters and Bibles and shot glasses in Phoenix.

Because you're not going to the merch booth, but Tracy's going to be at the merch booth pre-sales. Yeah, we'll figure all that out. We're going to get through Chicago. Yeah. Oh, wait. Hang on. That's what my point was before I had to piss, was that I have a bag because the green room

at Foxwoods had all the soaps and shampoos and shit for people who actually shower in a green room before a show. Like Barry. Barry's like, I don't get... This water's tepid at best. Anyway, so Chrissy Mayer

is saying, remind me to steal this shit from my room she's like and from here after and she puts it all in a fucking bag and then I'm like oh we need the vodka because I'm my stores my travel store you're not there Chaley's not there so I don't have my travel bar so

I get the bottle they gave us a carafe of club soda and a carafe of grapefruit, and our glasses because there's plastic cups. It's a suite. Yes, it's a nice suite with plastic cups. I like all this shit with a giant bag of all their toiletries as we get the Elvis fucking walk back through the kitchen, back through.

But you still have it all bundled up? Just like fucking Gilbert Gottfried or Steve Martin and the Jerk. Yeah. All I need is this lamp and these soaps. But yeah, then we went up, dropped it off. We went out and Chrissy there and Frank and I went to the steakhouse. Like on property? Yeah.

The one where you go, oh, my fans can't afford this. We'll be safe here. Well, a few of them tried. Yeah, but it was fine. We had a fucking great food. Was it like Shula's Steakhouse? I know that's one that's in a bunch of casinos. Don Shula.

They had a $48 steak. At a steak house, that's about right. That's cheap for Ruth's Chris. Alright, whatever it was. Yeah, I had fried clams. Whatever it was,

I went out to smoke. I had eaten there earlier. I ate the prime rib sandwich for $24, but it was real prime rib. Real fucking red, fresh off the... Yeah, it was really good. And then I went out to smoke, and they picked up the bill. Fuck you still.

But thank you is what I'm saying, but yeah. That's confusing. She probably spent half of what I paid her on the fucking tab. Oh, they bought it? Yeah. Oh, I thought Fox was... No, I thought when I said they go, no,

I go, oh, they picked it up. No, Chrissy Mayer picked it up. Plus, because I was already... A couple kids, they were kind of like Gump, they go They sat down at the bar and they're probably spending All their gas money to have one drink In this place, so I brought them Around and now when I'm

Buying people rounds You don't pick up the check when I go out to smoke Anyway, thank you very much That was very nice of them Yeah, I know, they were fucking great It's a good night and that's a good story for them, too. You'll get a lot of people picking up your tab. I know.

Not on tour. Ah, it was good. Chicago will be fucking interesting, and Phoenix will definitely be interesting. We're going to have some special guests at the Phoenix shows. And, yeah, probably – and Brendan Walsh is back. Brendan's coming back for the Phoenix shows. Yeah. Here's my conundrum.

Let me just put this out there because I keep telling Hennigan I'll figure it out the next day and the next day is... But, Kansas City to St. Louis, that's like the 28th and 9th? Yeah. Like, it's a fucking three and a half hour drive. It would take you longer

to fly and there's only one non-stop at six in the morning on Southwest. With the time that you have to be there in advance, TSA and all that stuff. Stay with me. I'm thinking, all right, well, you just get an opening act that can drive you. Well, who's the only comic

we know in Kansas City? Wait, but he doesn't drive. He gets other people to drive him. I don't know if he's got a car. He probably does. Every time we see him, someone else is driving. My other thought was, well, Junior Stopka, it's not that far for him to drive down from Chicago. Yeah.

But what does Junior Stopka drive? He's still working on a 1993 Lincoln Continental or something in his garage. I don't want to be your fucking test drive on your Elon Musk exploding spaceship to the nowhere. Either one of them is, that's the outcome. It is a crap

shoot. Because you're going to be in his Lincoln Continental, like his 89 hoopty. Or you're going to be with the man who's unnamed. But he's not going to drive or you're going to be with the man who's unnamed, but he's not going to drive. He's going to trick someone into driving both of you.

He's going to have a car. That doesn't mean it's his. He drove a car to wherever we saw him last when we were out there. Remember that barley corns he drove? Because some guy that he just met online drove him there. Because I drove the guy and he took a bit of food.

And I go, so how long have you known so-and-so? And he goes, oh, I just met him. I go, what the fuck is this guy doing in my car? Yeah, then I go, well, you know what? I could try to be responsible and rent a car by myself like a fucking grown adult, a one-way rental from Kansas City to St. Louis. And I go, oh, that just means crossing the Mississippi,

which is the last time I fucking drove the tour van almost off into the Mississippi. Yeah. So we'll figure that out. Next up... Well, we'll talk about it later. Yeah.

It's, uh... I'm compartmentaling... Compartmentalizing? Compartmentalizing. Thank you. Like, problems. Well, no one knows unless you correct them. That's a Monday problem. Wherever I was on Monday.

Coming up, we'll figure out Chicago. I still don't know when the kids are showing up. I don't know if Crypt Daddy is doing one night or two nights. Oh, yeah, that would entail. Adam Gilbert is definitely doing both nights. We just brought Adam Gilbert up on Issues with Andy yesterday. They asked who was opening in Chicago,

and then Andy was like, yeah, you got the two little fellers. And I said, yeah. Everyone knows Crypt Daddy from, he's on the podcast, but he's also on Twitter. He's very vocal. And I go, I can't remember the other guy,

but it was in Iowa at the Tiger Room, and then Andy... Room. Indiana. And Andy's like, I told this story how we watched him crawl up like he was wrestling at a barstool. And then Andy's like, I think it's Ray. Adam Ray.

I'm like, what the? How did he fucking get? Andy was on that tour. But I didn't know he knew it wasn't. I didn't know he knew... It wasn't... I don't know. Andy knew his name.

I was fucking amazed. Was that the podcast we did with James Inman in that area? No. That was Barley Corns. That was in Kansas City. But I was... Andy shocks me all the time with his recall. It's Adam Ray, right?

No, not Adam, right? No, Adam Gilbert. Adam Gilbert, yeah. Adam Ray's another name. But yeah, he said Adam Gilbert, and I was like fucking shocked. But yeah, you have any contact with him to tell him there's two nights of shows? Yeah, it's Adam I've been in contact with. Okay.

Because I told him back then, you're going to have to remind me. Gilbert. Yeah, Gilbert. He's reminded me. And I don't know, like, they'll fucking contact us. We're going to catch the last game,

the last half of the first game of football on Thursday When we get into the hotel the night before And then when we get back here to Phoenix the day early We're going to catch most of football Sunday And then Phoenix, I think there's still tickets left, maybe, for the second night of Phoenix. Yeah, this will go out after that, so it won't matter. I thought this was going out tomorrow. I thought that's why we're rushing it.

No, you're doing it just because you've got stories. I don't know that I do. God knows the stories I have on tour Flight back from Boston Yeah you had a whole day Well half of a day Yeah no I flew Had to fly from actually Providence Because the limo brought me back to Providence

The limo was a van Was it? No no it was a van Like Was it? No, no. Like a transit van? No, like our van. But still, that guy was way older than the seven-year-old guy. He didn't say a word.

He was perfect. I said, hey, I was watching the Red Sox-Indians game, and it was going like it had gone crazy. It was like nine to nothing nothing and then they tied it tied it up nine to nine or six to six whatever it was I'm like hey can you put on the socks game you figure any driver will know exactly what button to hit but because it's the LCD screen with the he's like uh never. I got it on my phone.

I didn't have it on my phone. But I kept stopping in the parking lot, people behind him trying to figure out how to use. All right. Let's get the fuck out of here. Well, you, uh, I think someone said something about the Cardinals game got postponed. The preseason game? The preseason one? They had one canceled, the preseason game.

Yeah. I'm not even paying attention to that. Someone said that yesterday. Oh, yeah. No idea. And you missed the luau at the Shady Dell where they unveiled a liquor license for benefiting the Bisbee Animal Shelter. Oh, nice. And it was fucking packed.

They had bands playing. The whole courtyard is completely different. I mean, because they had that Airstream there next to where Dot's Diner is. But then they've totally redone that whole area. It's fucking great. And it was a huge success. Labor Day Luau. And food was awesome.

Josh was fucking crushing it. Yeah, and then three bartenders in that little Airstream cranking out signature drinks. So that was fun. At the Shady Cup. So it looks like they have their liquor license now. And it's gone to the city for them to, they have to post a thing, and then if anyone objects and all that stuff. But all of Shady Dell's paperwork is in, and they've secured everything.

There's brokers just to help you get a liquor license in Arizona. That's so weird. Liquor license. But it's done. Like, now all they're waiting for is the paperwork to come back. It goes before the city council. So, like, within a month, they're going to be having regular Sunday brunch cocktails and stuff there at Shady Dill. And, well, you heard it earlier because I ran a commercial.

If it's good, say it twice. Yeah. All right. I was going to give these people a plug because I thought a fan sent this listening to then not worry about having to stop to piss or get out of a fucking window seat. Excuse me, sir. I have to piss again. And now I don't. And then all of a sudden I get these fucking, well, we'll talk about it because I found out that's not from a fan.

That's from a sponsor. Yeah. Stay tuned. I don't have our promo code yet, so I don't want to waste it. If I had it, I would say it. But they're an upcoming sponsor, and we're using the product now. So thank you. All right.

We've got to get out of here. We'll come back with stories about Chicago and Phoenix. Airport. Airport, yeah. or Phoenix. Airport. Airport, yeah. When Chaley and I are flying first class, he has

to babysit quite often. Especially when we've got a free day when we land. I just realized that today. Free night. Free night. Plenty of time to sleep it off. Alright. Hey, thank time to sleep it off. Alright.

Hey, thank you guys for paying attention. Oh, Pocket Monkey fucking opened the shows. I forgot Pocket Monkey. Fucking he first night just he didn't work the first night. He's just caught up with him afterwards dropping fucking drinks.

So he's hammered by the time. So hammered. And then came out and did a strong show. He hadn't done comedy in forever. And you could tell. You could see the rust in the nerves, but fucking still fucking funny.

The last time he did the Wilbur, he was like, now he had this tall girlfriend that could like lift him over his head. That's how big, like Amazon chick. And he was, he went out and did a set and then was fucking shit hammered. Like. Well, he's bulked up a bit.

He hasn't grown taller. John Tuller. I shouldn't say pocket monkey. That's just our own nickname for him. I think Bingo gave him that nickname. Someone said, you're like a pocket monkey. John Tuller. That's his name?

Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard anyone utter his name. He's bulked up a bit. So he could probably have one more drink than his usual one. One and then fighting mad. He was growling at me that first night. Oh, my God. He had this friend that was so fucking coked out.

I had to ask him to leave sushi. Like, you guys just go to the other... And this guy was just so fucking... Like, Will Arnett playing a bad person character, like that guy with a sneaky man's stash. I took Erica Rhodes across the street to sushi. Sushi till 2 a.m. Wow.

And we sat there. Good sushi till 2 a.m.? And I said, tell her, yeah, we're not going to come to your bar. We're here, but if you want to work tomorrow stop by and he brought all of his friends they're fucking the friends are gacked out of their tits just fucking talking

and Erica Rhodes is afraid and in the corner and I don't do that you know but I go listen you guys just go to the other bar and we'll catch up with you. And the kooky guy's like, well, you want us to leave?

Fine. And just throws a handful of cash. Yeah. Like, I'll buy everything. What are you wearing? What's that? Those shoes? Hey.

Oh, man. What's up with waitresses? Where are you from? What city do you like? Do you like music? Just shut the fuck up. Alright, I'm talking like that now. Take us out of here, Big Goat.

Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.