The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#464: Pete Holmes Made It Weird with Stanhope

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Doug recaps the Chicago and Phoenix shows, discovers Bingo finally catching up on covid binging and jumps into what happened with Pete Holmes. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Sep 17th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@mrhennigan), Dave Raider (@daveraider), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Ask Vodka Juicebox - [e-mail] (@vodkajuicebox) Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast well uh we were just gabbing about uh netflix things and uh because bingo has just finally started netflix binging a fucking year and eight months late or whatever it is. Now she is constantly. So we're just talking about that. And as we were hitting record, I just got a text breaking news. Robert Durst found guilty. Who's that?

Yep. Robert Durst. What's the name of the something? Jinx. The Jinx. Oh. On HBO, I think it was. Yeah.

Yeah. That was a great show. That was a long fucking outcome. Well, that's how long it takes to fucking get through the court system. Now I have to go rewatch it. All I remember is the famous one where he's allegedly admitting to it by himself in the men's room. Going, what did I do? What have done yeah that was the this is pretty much all i knew about the whole case was that yeah now i'm mixing it up with the staircase and did he kill two chicks and that's kind of what the staircase was

well it's very confusing because real life isn't like law and order where they get arrested the next day they're in court you know things? Things need to get speeded up. Yeah, if you're going to keep up with Netflix court system, you're going to have to fucking push the docket. Fucking Ghislaine Maxwell or whatever her name is. Gizzy.

Everyone's going to have forgotten about her. Yeah. Yeah. But I guess the QAnon will keep her alive. Hey, Brian Hennigan's here. Dave Rader's here. British Jonathan's in the background. And the Chaley's.

We're fresh off a day off or something. Day and a half off? I don't know. Just got back from Chicago and Phoenix. Did we podcast in Chicago? I can't remember. No got back from Chicago and Phoenix. Did we podcast in Chicago? I can't remember. No, we didn't. No, we did not.

All right. So we still have to cover all of- Or Phoenix. Crypt Daddy? Yeah. Yeah, we didn't- Wow, we haven't podcast in a while. Did you see my shoulder?

Did you? No. Oh, hold on. Let me just show you. I hope it's still there. Tracy, is it still there? Yeah. What was that?

Sean Rouse's bike? Daddy's chair falling into me when we ejected him from the thing going down the stairs. Ejected is probably not the right word. He was ejected from his chair when four guys tried to haul that 300 pound fucking monster truck. Exactly. Yeah, there's no ramp at the Chicago venue. Other than that, perfect

venue. Chicago, probably the best crowds of this entire tour, both nights. That's interesting. And it's been a great tour. I mean, we've only shit on a couple audiences, if any. I don't think your flag staff was the mean, we've only shit on a couple audiences, if any. I don't think you... Flagstaff was the only one we kind of shit on.

And it was great that they were out of control because that was the first night and my shit was not together. So everyone was blaming the audience. Everyone tweeting me, hey, great show. Sorry about those assholes. Those assholes were filling in for blank patches in my mind. Do you remember the guy in Flagstaff? Oh, God. The one that got pitched early? The one

who stood up and you're like, just sit down. And he just wasn't yelling. Wasn't doing, just standing there and just like raising his drink and kind of swerving. Yeah. You gotta remember, guys, when you go there and you pregame, that's one thing. But you have to remember that the people around you who probably are pregaming

or better suited for being in public, they're getting mad that you are upsetting the apple cart, so to speak. So when you're ejected, no one's coming to your aid. Yeah. Yeah, just slow it down. Yeah, Chicago is fucking brilliant. Brower House, and it's in to your aid. Yeah. Yeah, just slow it down. Yeah, Chicago is fucking brilliant. Brower House, and it's in Lombard. I know it's not Chicago.

It's Chicago-esque. It's near, but it's going west from O'Hare, so you don't have to deal with all that fucked up downtown traffic that's almost 24 hours. I know we left there at 3.30 to get a 6 a.m. flight. We were early. We got through it. But yeah, it was Crip Daddy and Adam Gilbert.

I think they're a total of four and a half feet tall. They're stacked on top of one another. Like Legos? Yeah. What a fucking brilliant lineup and junior junior stop go so crypt daddy's in a chair he like you have to put his hand on top of the the controller like if it if it gets knocked off, he can't move his hand onto the controller. He can do enough digitally to at least make his cart move at one miles per hour. And then Adam Gilbert, he can walk. And I asked him, how tall are you? And he goes, four feet.

I go, there's no way. He goes, that's what it says on my driver's license. He's probably two foot nine, and it's all car salesmen. That guy is a fucking motivational speaker. When you see him walking at two foot nine, you want to just hold him. You want to like a Furby. But he just walk in just, hey, we're going to have a great show tonight. Right, guys?

Gosh, this is exciting. It's just this ball of positivity that in a normal-sized person, you would loathe, you would spit at. But coming from him, like, yeah, we should cheer up, Junior. Yeah. And it worked. And Hannigan says, you know, if you didn't know who who junior was and you didn't know he's a comedian and you just saw him with the two other fellas you'd think oh there's probably

something wrong with him too there's a three for one and once you said that i just looked at junior's normal day face countenance and you go yeah yeah you think they're all on a special bus together yeah they probably look people in the audience looking at junior going i don't know what that thing's called that he has but you know i i saw a documentary about it once yeah and it's pretty bad uh but a crypt daddy like that was only his second and third time ever on stage. So I had Junior open the show and then tag team it. But he came out hot after Chaley has to. They have to lift him up five steep stairs to get him onto the backstage.

And it took four people. One of the guys, like, all right, well, we know we got Machete. He's one of the bouncers. Machete. Yeah, it's that kind of place. Working 72 hours straight. I don't know. Yeah.

Just mop of sweat. And I go, at least we got, like, he's a huge guy. Yeah. But then I didn't do the logistics on the huge. The huge was wide as well. And it took four people to get him up the flight of stairs. And it was too, like, he could lift, but he couldn't fit in between the chair and the other side guy. Like, he's wedged himself in.

So they had to get a thinner guy the next night. I don't think Machete complained. When you say wheelchair, it's not what you're thinking of with the handles and pushing someone there's no grasping on the back of that chair you are grabbing the dirty hubs of the wheels or the the the the the bracket that holds the front wheels there's no good handholds on that yeah it's like a golf you're not supposed to lift it that's's the thing. It's such a low center of gravity. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah, you'd think by the second night they would have had some team make a makeshift ramp just for liability issues, if nothing else.

Like, yeah, I guess we are supposed to have a ramp for these people. No, they did not rally and make a ramp. Well, it wasn't their deal. I don't think rallying and making was their forte. No. I tell you what, the point is, he came out the first night following Junior and was just riffing off of Junior's set. Wow.

He wasn't stuck in a set. But I guess that's what he does on Twitter all the time. It's at real young crip and there's y-u-n-g there's no o in young real young crip his mother was he basically has three names donovan real young crip and crip daddy yeah and junior had no idea how to put those together, so I think he made up a different name each night. Real young Donovan. And he's got his own bus now. Yeah.

Thanks to the online thing he did. Yes, thanks to probably a lot of you listeners, and probably me when I was drunk. Yeah. Yeah, he's got his airport shuttle bus with, of course, the ramp. We came out of the second show Thursday. Because the Fairfield Inn is the only hotel close. It's right across the street.

But you have to cross six lanes of fast traffic without a crosswalk to get right there to the club. And you can't get to a crosswalk because the sidewalk ends. At the Fairfields property line, there's no more sidewalk. Yeah, and we don't have a car. This is one time we're not driving. We flew in, and then we go, oh, fuck. Like, Crip Daddy's coming in. He's got a separate hotel.

So he's coming in on his own bus later, and we're like, how the fuck are we going to run with little Adam Gilbert across six lanes of Friday night traffic? And then we got Junior to drive us the long way. I mean, we weren't going to get an Uber to go across the street. I mean, you could probably do that in L.A. But Junior didn't want to drive because he wanted a drink. I'm like, well, you can drive him over there. Leave your car over there.

And then he's all panicky because he's thinking Chicago. I'm going to get towed. Like, this is the suburbs. They don't even ask you for your- And junior driver, is that a Porsche Targa? What is that? A Lotus? I'm sorry.

It's a fucking hootie. 1992 Lincoln Town Car. Yeah, but it's. 1992 Lincoln Town Car. Yeah, but it's his 1990s. Yes, it is. Lincoln Town Car. But he's so used to it. I'm like, they don't even ask you for your license plate information in the hotel. This is a strip mall parking lot. You're going to be fine.

But no, he didn't believe that when he was shitty drunk at 2.30 in the morning. And Chaley is wrapping up backstage with no the band was playing yeah and you guys left you got off stage so drunk that night that you go i'm leaving and then i turn around responsible yes i turn around and like the junior startled me he's like right up on me i go dude i thought you were leaving with them he goes no i go all right we're leaving together because we got to go across six lanes like frogger to get out of there at the end of the night we're leaving together oh yeah yeah and we're in there playing video games doing shots doing everything and then i lost track of him and the rage against the machine cover band was on

i'm watching that and the two guys come go, your opener act is trying to drive. I'm like, what? Yeah, Junior was just stumble bum drunk. No idea where he was. They had to pull him out from behind the wheel of his car. He was getting in his car, and they pulled him out. Two guys were clearly dressed as they went to the Stan Hope show, and they were still hanging around. Then they came in and got me, and we go out there, and Junior's nowhere.

But then I ended up finding him. I don't even think he realized he went out to his car. Because when I found him, I was like pissed. But then he was like, I don't know what you're talking about. Well, the main thing is friends don't like friends. Correct. You know what? Fans don't let.

Yes. That would be a good one. Yeah. No. The idea that fans were on top of that out there for all the shit we give our drunken fans. How about the sober ones that caught Junior before he went fucking steamrolling into a cart just like Crip Daddies? Maybe they thought a handicapped person was trying to drive that car. The end of Very Bad Things where they're all in high-back chairs from the crash.

That would have been Junior. We're having a hump Junior up five stairs the next night in his new cart. Maybe he thought that's the direction the touring acts were going, and he thought, if I want to stay on this carousel, I better find myself a disability. But yeah, the second night, because I made some joke. Every time I went down to smoke on the

Saturday, I see another dude or two dudes in a black concert t-shirt. I'm just trying to smoke out front. It's not like you have they had no like exit at the wings where you could go and sneak a smoke you just had to sit out front hello fucking guys guys are taking like i i thought they were throwing stuff away they pulled

up in a pickup truck two dudes and uh you know they're not throwing that's a fucking luggage cart and they're filling it with like wet 12 packs of miller light that like they just came out of a fishing trip and a frozen pizza and a styrofoam cooler that's no longer frozen or pizza and like that's yeah that's definitely my fans when your luggage is two wet fucking 12-packs of Miller Lite. You thought they were clearing garbage out of the car. I thought it sounded to me like you're inventing a new concept, which is for fans to tailgate your shoes. That happens.

I don't think that's a new concept. I just think we avoid that parking lot. All right. I think it's a great concept. But I made some joke about all the Fairfield people that I'd met every time I went down to smoke. And so then when we get back to the hotel, there's between 12 and 15 people sitting right out in front of the doors, drinking and smoking and having their own after party.

So yeah, we came down and had a few drinks with them. And I go, hey, Crip Daddy's coming with the new bus. So when he gets here, I'm going upstairs. I got to pack. I got to leave in three hours. So when he gets here, give him a round of applause. And as I was packing, I heard it from my room. And the great thing is it had spotlights on the side door where the handicap,

not ramp, but thing comes down. So it looks like he's coming out on a stage, like a big presentation of slowly lowering with two spotlights on him. And they're all fucking clapping. It was a really cool weekend. It's fun. Yeah. Having no merch booth after the show frees you up to It's fun. Yeah, having no merch booth after the show frees you up to actually have fun.

When you add an extra hour and a half to the fucking show, just trying to take everybody's picture and sign it. Can you sign it to my friend Sean, who's a fucking faggot for not coming to the fucking show? Right faggot, yeah.

Right faggot with three Gs. Yeah, it's made the road a whole lot more fun. And then Phoenix, fuck. Well, the closer you get to home, the more people you know So we had a great Airbnb

Should we break or something? I don't know You're 16 minutes in so What are you looking for? Oh you're getting a drink Well the flight home Was like a fist fight By the time we got back

Because we left so early I mean I slept like two hours And we got up and went to the airport, and then there was no sleeping for me. You were out cold, but I really didn't sleep. I remember this flight attendant, when we walked off the plane, goes, you two are nothing but trouble,

because evidently we were both drooling. You were. I was just sitting there going, fuck, man, I don't want to wake him up. But I had to piss so bad. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I was on the outside.

You were out cold. Yeah, it was good. I mean, that was. But when we got to Phoenix, it was like I was wrung out. Yeah, and it was 109 degrees every fucking day. All three days were in Phoenix. And I live here. And you go, oh, All three days we're in Phoenix. And I live here. And you go, oh, yeah, it's hotter in Phoenix.

And you don't realize the difference until you come off with that stewing hangover. And then, yeah, there's something about it. It's weird. I mean, it's all explicable. But, you know, 110 degrees, which is the new norm for most of America, is different and worse in different cities. Like 110 degrees in Vegas is kind of okay.

In your backyard versus downtown Phoenix. 119 in Death Valley is fine. That's right. There's no concrete. There's no metal. There's no skyscrapers reflecting the fucking

sun off the windows. A shade tree in Panamint, you're fine with a cold beverage and hanging out. Yeah, you're right. The worst anywhere in fucking Japan when it's hot. You know, it is...

Oh, because you can't dress casually in Japan. You always have to wear a suit, regardless of what the fucking temperature is. Tell me, I'm under the spotlight in a way worse suit. Concrete, and it's the fucking chrome, and

everything's reflecting. So you're... Yeah, Japan's the worst when it's very hot and humid. Raider was going to come to the... Speaking of Airbnbs, which I'm about to... Bingo's Airbnb.

I've got to give it a plug. I think it's called Bingo's quiet house on airbnb i don't know is it safe house or quiet house uh i don't know i'll look it up either way yeah uh book that out we had a minute we had no insurance and now we have insurance and we don't have an insurance guy that fucking... You just want to say that. Yes, I do. I want to fucking call him and fire him now,

but we have to wait until next week. Infamous Quiet House. Yeah. Yeah. Or if I kind of know you, if you're one of the regulars from... Like Hoototenanny. Hootenlooney?

Hootenlooney. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. April in Alberta. Yeah, you don't have to go through Airbnb and pay all those fucking fees. Yeah, good point. Dude, this place looks cool. Bingo's Quiet House.

Yeah. Infamous. Oh. Look at that. Look how cool that looks. That's a good picture. It's fucking at that look how cool that looks that's a good picture but we have got great look how cool that looks oh yeah i forgot she she did that i know i i'm like rediscovering the house i'm just gonna say something which you probably add i don't know how much you're charging you just charge more yes she she does i need to be in charge of it chaley yo hannigan yeah money hannigan seriously yes money like that yeah this is this is not bisbee prices yeah i know it's man this

but it was yeah it was get on there i'll put a link in the show notes good it was yeah it was her project and then we'll muscle in on her. Just like the fucking mob. You got to pay protection. Yeah, we gave you the restaurant, but now it's our restaurant. We'll stay there. Yeah. So let's go back to Dave Rader not coming to Phoenix. Well, I decided to stay back in case we needed to kill your cat.

Oh, shit. Have we even podcasted since we had Henry killed? I don't think we've done it. We don't need to go into it. Everyone knows about it because they were saying stuff when people were leaving the show in Chicago. I was passing out stickers. I tweeted about it. I was talking to people.

So, yeah, they're aware. Winona Ryder refuses to tweet about it. Sorry, a little junior stop. Dating. A topic undiscussed in comedy today. Comics refuse to talk about it. Winona Ryder refuses to tweet about it. Dating. Dating!

I was getting into Raider. The point was that we've gotten three fucking great Airbnbs. Even with the fees, compared to having separate hotels on different floors. Yeah, it's worked out great. We caught some fucking deal. The one coming up. Oh, well, we haven't had the one coming up. Well, we've seen it.

We know where it's located. It's located right in fucking walking distance to everything. Wyoming, the Red Bison was great. Phoenix, that's why. It was a five-bedroom. It was separated into two houses on the same lot. Valentina's friend said, this looks like a set of an HDTV home renovation. Oh, yeah.

Because it had all the cornhole. Pimp my rental unit. Yeah, something like that. But you've turned a corner on Airbnb. Because I think going back three or four years, you were kind of like, I don't know. Well, because I was afraid. You know why I'm afraid of learning new things like a lockbox? All right, okay.

At 1030 at night when there's no front desk person to say, I don't know how to use this. My key card doesn't work. Yeah. Where are my pants? My key card doesn't work. Yeah. Where are my pants? Have you noticed all these Airbnbs I've used when I'm with someone else, like Chaley?

That's true. Yeah, the checking in process for Airbnb, I know is something you've heard particularly. And the last two have been amazing. I mean, they've totally taken that whole road weariness away being at something like that. So, yeah, Raider had a whole bedroom to himself because he has fucking weird hours. We didn't know the layout. We knew there were how many bedrooms and how many rooms there were,

but we didn't know the layout. So when I got there, I go, okay, Bingo and Tarek can have the back house with Dave Rader, because they might stay up all night where Rader goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 2 a.m. and then has a... But everyone has a common area, and then the Axe and the Chalice that have to fucking work

get the front house, and everyone parties in the middle. It worked out, except for Dave Rader. In my defense, you were supposed to get back to me. Oh, come on. Own it, dude. Own it. In the time.

What a lawyer response. When I was supposed to get back to you, you were already texting with the Chalice. Yeah, maybe I don't want to be. No, that wasn't until the day. Tracy, did I text you the day of or day before? I refer you as my text of the 4th of the 9th. Don't answer that, Tracy.

Don't answer that. I don't know. I don't know if Dave Rader is saying I should just hang back because you're politely saying you didn't want to come. And I got fucking too many problems. No, I did want to go, but I didn't want to kind of get in the way because I do keep odd hours. Not exactly seven to two, but I do go to bed early and I wake up very early. And I didn't want to be any kind of a, just a, I don't know.

Only there was a separate residence on the property that he could have moved out of. However, your cat's been fucking weird since Henry's passing. Been killed. Since Henry's been killed. Been Henry's passing. Been killed. Since Henry's been killed. Been murdered. So, not terrible. I don't know. Oh, yeah.

Please hold. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Check out betterhelp.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. Life is full of stressors. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have. Your life is probably stressful. BetterHelp.com. Where's your head?

I know where mine is, going through sleeves of material, hoping to find something funny. But all my material is also a cry for help. Where do I work my material out when there's no open mic? I call my therapist at BetterHelp. And she'll go, do you know that makes you sound like a psychopath? And I'll go, why? Why? She'll go, keep the bit.

The bit is funny, but you should really work out these problems. keep the bit. The bit is funny, but you should really work out these problems. You might not have an act, but you probably have problems of your own with no stage to work them out. That's why you need betterhelp.com. Maybe you're not feeling down and out and depressed or like you're at a total loss, but if your stress is high, your temper is shorter than usual, or even if you're starting to feel the strain in any of your relationships, you could probably use a chance to unload. Unload the stress and get it out. Talk to someone who's completely unbiased about your life. Someone who's not going to judge you or take sides on anything. When there's shit you can't tell anyone or feel like you can't unload to your family or friends, you need to

unload it and that's what therapy can be. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. Unload the stressors and get some unbiased feedback. You'd be pretty surprised at what you might gain from it. See if it's for you. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Doug Stanhope podcast listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's BetterHelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. Henry didn't really have anything to look forward to in any given day.

Henry didn't. really have anything to look forward to in any given day. Henry didn't, but I think for the cat, it was just kind of weird because Meatwig went down to the actual site, which you suggested, which I thought was a bad idea, but I actually do think was a very good idea because he got to

see, okay. He grabbed him and made him come smell her. So, yeah. So, what happened was just mother's old gag. I know. Who are you? Bonnie Kirkman? All these humans you know just killed your sister and then they all just fucking left. Like, it's gotta be weird.

Yeah, we're sending a message. Shape up. Yeah. Eat your food. See the power we have because we have opposable thumbs?

Yeah. Eat your wet food. Yeah, so the cat's been weird. So I was like, all right. The cat doesn't give a shit. The cat's been fucking,

what, it yowls now? Of course's the same fucking i want all the attention now well i made meatwig have a james inman voice right there oh speaking of quickly james inman uh uh kansas city i gotta plug some dates as uh i haven't been plugging them Twitter. I'm trying to stay off the Twitter as much as possible, but I should really promote my dates. So I'm going to have you, the listener, promote Kansas City's coming up in this year of our Lord 2021. September 28th.

28th. Kansas City Improv. Yeah. Junior's going to be on both the Kansas City and the next night in St. Louis at Helium. And in Kansas City, James Inman is going to do a guest set. After I tweeted that just I didn't even think he had a car. And I tweeted, hey, I wish I knew any comedian in Kansas City because I don't want to drive myself from KC to St. Louis. Just fucking taunting him a bit and he sent me this diatribe

like we just pulled a massive fuck over job on him it's like trying to enter into negotiations with north korea he's fucking like you put something out there and it's like i resent your comedic disposal we're just asking you if you want to do you need a ride yeah but i didn't get back to his email after hey do you really want me to do that I could do the Greyhound Diaries you gotta give me some notice well I didn't check my fucking email every day my phone doesn't have a ding that

notifies me about hotmail somehow it didn't work out on a google phone uh so by the time I fucking check my email I have three emails of him motherfucking me from the 1990 forward and how I couldn't follow the Greyhound Diaries. And I don't even want to see your fucking face. You fuck me over.

And then he's like, so I just wrote back after one of these 18 paragraph fuck you emails says, fuck you, you fucking cunt in the subject. Or I go, do you want to do a guest set or not? He wrote back, I'm going to see Bill Burr tonight. I'll think about it. And then he wrote back, okay, here's my conditions. And then he. Like North Korea. Is a hostage negotiation?

You can't fuck with me. Number one, I must be introduced by. No, it was, you can't prank me and you have to be nice to me. And then he signed it. I just can't quit you. All right. See how easy that was. I'll see you in Kansas City.

So, yeah, we got KC. I don't know about Indy. St. Louis. St. Louis on the 29th at Helium. Then you've got Indianapolis on October 13th at Helium. That's sold out. That's sold out. If we added Omaha, that'll be up on the site soon, right after or right before.

It'll be on the site. It'll be on the site. What date do you know? Before. 12th. Before the October dates. That's in October. So the site will be updated by the time you see this.

Is that confirmed, Brian? I'm just waiting. Okay, that might be confirmed. Check the site by the time you hear this. Indianapolis, October 13th. Then we've got three Philly dates at Helium, October 18th, 19th. Fucking Minneapolis. I should be tweeting about Minneapolis because I thought I'd be adding dates there.

And then I go, oh, I got to promote it first. I don't think I've ever mentioned we're in Minneapolis. How's the comedy? October 27th. Mall of America. Yeah, and a lot of people fucking bitch about that place. But they're very easy to deal with. And it seems a nice club.

Yeah, it's a nice club. Yeah. I can go down and have sushi beforehand. Not now. Well, no. I was about to say because it's more than one place. And then you got November gigs, but those are so

far off. I mean, we'll be adding Florida. Excellent. Just be on the mailing list. Yeah, get on the mailing list. It makes it so much easier. Yeah, and if you live in one of those places, fucking spread the word on your Facebooks.

Another thing about being on the mailing list, if you move town, go back in and re-register and correct where you live. Yeah, because you don't... I mean, people complain both ways. I know. I'm on the mailing list. I never heard that you're...

Well, if you live in Lincoln, Nebraska, you're not going to get fucking mailing list things to tell you to go to fucking Sussex, England or whatever. Yeah. People would say, oh, I don't want to sign up because I don't want to get a bunch of spam. Well, you're not going to,

but you also... It's fucking a minute geographic targeting because we we it's all based on your zip code and like brian said if you change your address you need to you need to update it so that you get the relevant emails and here's the thing if one day i don't want to be on fucking twitter anymore or they take me off of Twitter for whatever reason or social media that's the only way you're gonna know I'm not doing Bob and Tom yeah and the thing about uh is this we really I really do go out of my way our way to not bombard people like okay like uh like and then every time change the socks here's another email update but every time somebody

emails saying something like I live in Lincoln Nebraska and I didn't get an update email and I'll say tell me your email I'll go in and it turns out like they they originally moved to New York and

that's where their register has hate time has increased. Like, how we got a lot more mellow during COVID, Hennigan's fucking level of hatred, like, the first few shows you were like, motherfucking cocksucker. I know, but I told you I'm having issues.

I know. That's just why I'm addressing your issues. Yeah, I'm genuinely having, I think I'd call it COVID's decompression issues. Yeah, I'm genuinely having, I think I'd call it COVID decompression issues. I think I coped with the COVID period well. The decompression, like coming to the surface as a diver, has been challenging. Can we talk about fucking Missoula? Why not?

I don't know. I don't know why. We could never understand why we couldn't just tell the truth. why we could never understand why we couldn't just tell the truth you know because like you were afraid that we were just a covid uh yeah yeah well again okay that oh that oh right yeah the private jet oh yeah vent brian i don't have anything to vent about that so i you know we know that there was nothing to gain from like yeah exactly like motherfucking there you go see that's the opposite of brian becoming a hatred monster. I was actually like, let's just calm this down.

We got other stuff to do. I was livid, as you know, on the phone. I was fucking livid. Well, I guess now Lucas Healy knows what it's like to hear me holler at him. Either way, but the point is, yeah, there nothing okay by making an issue i'll just explain uh you sure we haven't talked about this we have not no you said you're gonna put it on a patreon but yeah but it didn't make sense we had to cancel missoula because missoula routes the opposite between billings and our next gig in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

They came to us with an offer to do Missoula on the night off in between, and Hennigan knows to look at a map. No, you can't fucking go. Yeah, sometimes. He's learning. The more we bust his balls. But yeah, it's the complete opposite direction, and then it would be like a 13-hour drive back. And he goes, the booker says, no, no.

I don't even know who had the private jet, allegedly. They fly you there in a private jet to play some fucking tavern or fucking roadhouse. Like, fuck yeah. We'll take a private jet to show up and play to 80 people. The next day, we'd leave the car at the hotel, take a private jet to Missoula, which is all the way across the state going west, do the show, come back, stay at the Billings hotel, and then go to Cheyenne. That was simple.

That was the plan. And then Hannigan. It was a bit of a goof because you weren't going to clue Junior in on this. Yeah, we didn't tell junior if you remember the tweets from that early part of the tour where we're doing the influencers thing and we're just it's me in a fucking

bunk bed and us by a obviously abandoned van that I called my tour bus with firewood changing a car tire yeah pretending it's our also saying it's the tour bus with firewood changing a car tire yeah pretending it's our car also saying it's the tour bus obviously sedan yeah two days back to back no one's getting the fact that but junior the whole thing was setting it up as hashtag influencers hashtag living the high life hashtag this the

bowling alley hashtag activehtag active life. And the whole point was to be on a private jet nine days into this tour with Junior, who was like, wait, because he wouldn't ask questions. We'd be getting on a private jet, and he'd be taking his shoes off for security. He'd be so fucking clueless. be so fucking clueless and then at the last like 36 hours oh it got cancelled because Hennigan told me early on

you know what the phone call I'm waiting for is this private jet isn't going to happen and then it didn't happen oh the pilot has COVID but it might be a false positive. So now we're waiting. Maybe I should just cancel it.

The source of my ire was the contradictory messages we got where one day we're assured, no, no, it's definitely going ahead. And the next day, oh, no, it's definitely not going ahead. From different people. From different people. Yeah. No, he's definitely got COVID. Well, the last text, it was a false positive.

They were all fine. So then we get into, I mean, if I may, it's like, okay, now we have to cancel the gig. We do. No one else suggests we cancel the gig. They're still trying to make it happen. Yeah. to make it happen. Yeah.

And so I said, all that needs to go out is a basic communication, which says, and this says, for technical reasons or whatever, the gig, this has to be cancelled,

but we will endeavor to reschedule it at a future date, something like that. And I think I specifically wrote, whatever happens, do not mention anything involving COVID. Because, you know, Chinese telephone calls or Chinese whispers, whatever, regardless whether it's anything to do with COVID with us, it will get manifested somewhere else as the tour has COVID. The tour has COVID.

And that was all fully understood. Cut to. Okay, wait. This is where Hootenanny. Looney Tootens. That's true. This is where she said. A listener and a guest here at the Funhouse was going to come down to the show in Missoula.

A friend of the show. I don't think we've ever used it. But yes, a good friend of the show. I said, hey, by the way, that gig isn't happening. Let me know if you get a notification or something. And I go, let me know that you got a refund that everything worked up because this is going through this is what happens when brian has to go through a guy who's actually partnered with another guy and uh some fucking fourth party is evidently gonna private chat

you can't call so they get a fucking message from you want me to find it brian uh i said tell me what you find out he got an email message yeah and it's are you looking for it yeah i'm looking for it i i can find it pretty quick i i i found the response i found the correction i haven't found the yeah she she she dm'd it to me on twitter So it'll be easier for me to find Chaleo cut out the dead weight Nope, no edit Can find it Can't hum something that has no copyright

You just can't whistle a tune of your own making Wait, Are you saying that this is the first time I've sang on key? Well, you're doing it. I dream of G. Let me just fill in some blanks while Doug does this. So we're talking about an email communication that went out to every ticket buyer

for the cancelled gig in Missoula. This is the gig that had to be cancelled because the COVID broke out in the pilot. I got it. I got it. Okay. So here we go.

And we were never within 400 miles of this pilot. Yeah. We were never within. We were nowhere near. Yeah. Stanhope cancels Monday event at Stave and Hoop. We regret to inform you that our event has been canceled due to a case of COVID in Mr. Stanhope's travel group

mr stanhope and his agent were unwilling to find alternative transportation or reschedule a future event we at staven hoop deeply apologize on his behalf for any convenience and hope to see you for future events we promise refunds blah blah blah so completely put everything exactly on us and then so i'm now i'm so i left the tour after idaho falls because obviously you weren't leaving a high point and uh and i'm now driving south towards salt lake and on to ve Vegas and fairly long drive. And I get a call from Doug, which again, I'm like, I'm kind of relaxed for once.

And, and Doug says, have you seen this email that they've sent out about cats? Get ready to be angry, Brian. Yeah, that's right. Get ready to be angry.

And I, and yeah, it was very pulled over on the side of the road, at least twice, maybe three times. Yeah, because I had to shout at people. And I thought this was behind me. I'm more like a St. Francis of Assisi Brian Hennigan now.

He was kind to the animals, but apparently not. the animals. But apparently not. And so eventually, after a lot of communications, we were able to send out the same email within an hour.

A second email went out, which was we'd like to correct the previous email concerning the cancelled Doug Stanhope gig. We misspoke when we noted that there was COVID with the Stanhope travel party. There is not. The gig is being cancelled due to the pilot

who is going to fly Doug and his party from Billings to Missoula testing positive for COVID. Neither Doug Stanhope or any of his party have had any contact with the Montana-based pilot. The logistics of the tour and travel prevented a reschedule.

Again, our apologies for the cancellation of the gig by all parties. That's what happens when Brian gets angry. You wouldn't want to see me angry. Fuck you! Oh, did you write that for them? I wrote that

in the parking lot of the fucking mcdonald's and tremolo or whoever the fuck is called this little podunk town on the utah border the tremolino or something you release this press release and again i don't i don't i mean i don't think you've already mentioned them i don't think lucas i think lucas city was as blindsided as anybody by their incompetence. Does anybody know who the private pilot worked for? Did he work for the gig we were supposed to go to? Did he?

We don't fucking have any idea. I think he was the same guy on the manifest. I think at the last minute, they're like, all right, we don't have a private jet. I don't think you don't think they ever had a private jet. We could get a dirigible to get you there. Yeah, we could get you on a Hindenburg. Is anyone opposed to a hot air balloon of any kind? My friend just built a trebuchet.

Don't cancel yet. The prevailing winds are in our favor. We can get to Missoula. Herb, a large catapult. winds are in our favor. We can get to Missoula. Herb brought a large catapult. We just fired them over the city walls. Jesus. But yeah,

that was a perfect example of you kind of losing your shit about the whole thing. We don't care. We're on the road. That's new doug i know oh that's what i'm saying we're going in different directions well i think when hennigan when the bomb got dropped on hennigan and he was driving i think that's when i was like hold on wait a minute and then when you got to when you could actually react and put things down i think that's

when you kind of like no this is what you're going to do. You're going to copy and paste this directly and send it out again. And you will hear back from me once I see that it's been posted. But when you're driving, go, wait, what? What? I'll call you back. If they were going to try to throw us on some last minute Cessna, can you imagine the terror in Tracy and how much I would have ramped it up like she was James

Inman. I actually specifically mentioned that when we were out there talking about we might be able to get another plane I said now. There's somebody in our group Tracy who doesn't fly well and we're not

getting in a fucking rickety barnstormer. She's like B.A. Baracus and John Madden had a baby I'll take the bus I'm sorry did my fucking great obscure references stymie everyone Mr.

T and John Madden was legendary for not flying when he was a coach. Turducken! Yeah, I have the opposite now, where I've never had a fear of flying. I would have gotten on whatever fucking Cessna they put us on, but I have a fear of driving or being a passenger. Well, you've said I'm the worst driver you know, which I feel is unfair.

Well, there's a lot in that field. Like, I'd have to put you on a course against Chili Dog Dave Dennison. I remember the most terrified I've been. No, when I complained, and this came up behind your back, Chaley, he said, no, you said that you hate Chaley's driving. I go, no, I can complain about it.

Difference. I can complain about anyone's driving if they're not driving exactly like I'd be driving. Well, that's a bit. Cut that. No, that's a fucking Carlin bit. Oh, shit. Cut that out.

No, that's a fucking Carlin bit. Oh, shit. Everyone behind you is a... Everyone passing you is a psychopath, and everyone behind you is a whatever. Yeah. Point being, no, Chaley, I just... Your driving just from here to Safeway would make me terrified. Why?

Chaley on a tour, I worry about his narcolepsy. Which? CPAP. It's the CPAP. It's the CPAP. What's so bad about my driving? I don't know. What's so bad about that car I gave you

that you ran into a fucking Los Angeles city bus and then just kept going? Who says it wasn't reversing at the time? That was never established. You and your insurance agent? That was as he pulled away from the accident on a fucking flee and run. That was his already, he's already doing his own, acting as his own attorney. It was in reverse.

I think it was a stick shift municipal bus and it was on a hill it went backwards a bit and crashed in my door no you're fucking driving is horrific and slipshod uh yeah chaley i just bitch about it like the fucking you got your gps on it says you have to exit in half a mile and you're still three lanes out of four over to the left so now within two miles of an exit i'm over on the right hand side here's what chaley does i'm learning chaley does after he's done a long drive which he did some fucking brutal drives all by himself on that fucking tour. Like a big boy. 13 fucking hours. No, nine hours. 10 and a half hours. To Salt Lake from...

I was with him. You were with him in spirit, but we were all listening to an audible book. We all thought of him as being a little boy. Here's what Chaley does. When Chaley gets close, like he's in fucking zoned out mode for however long he has to drive.

Let's say it's eight hours. For the last eight minutes, as we're getting into it. Now he wants to start chatting and he's looking at Chaley and Tracy in the rear view. And now he's fucking a bundle of fucking let's talk. And he's not paying over. It's over. We're here.

That's when I'm at my most fucking tremory. Like the thing. Thank. Oh, Jesus. when I'm at my most fucking tremory. The thing! Ah! Oh, Jesus! So he's literally like the sprinter that's caught on the line at the Olympics who's looking around to see what's happening. I don't know if we have to pause this,

but let's... We're going straight through. Yeah, okay. I wrote down. I just we have a new sponsor. Let me just bust this out. Tarryton cigarettes. Tarryton goes low tar one better.

Of course, Tarryton's filters reduce tar. Tarryton has less tar than 75% of all other cigarettes sold, but it also improves the taste with activated charcoal. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency recently reported that granular carbonated charcoal is the best available method for filtering water. As a matter of fact, many cities across the United States have instituted charcoal filtration systems into their drinking water supplies. The evidence is mounting that activated charcoal does indeed improve the taste of drinking water. Charcoal also helps freshen aircrafts and submarines and spacecrafts. And charcoal is used to mellow the taste of the finest bourbons. Hannigan can attest to that.

mellow the taste of the finest bourbons. Hannigan can attest to that. That's why Tarryton is America's best-selling charcoal filter cigarette. Us Tarryton smokers would rather fight than switch. Warning, the Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, where were we in the podcast? That's actually the best read I think I've seen you do, and I've seen you do a lot. Yeah, maybe we should fucking have some fan send me more 1977 Playboy magazines

that smell like black mold under a sea of at least 100 condoms. Were you there when I opened that package? Yeah. And a lot of these pages were also stuck together. Yeah, they are. I was going to do the diners. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Also, the package wasn't even addressed correctly.

Still got here. Oh, that was the condom one. Yeah, Doug was Stan. Well, no. H-O-P-P-E. Yeah. Diners Club is next week. Old Playboys and Penthouses

were in the box of condoms. So that was one box. We had some other boxes. You read these, fam? You know what? I do have thank yous always. I forget them. There's a couple of... This was a weird letter from a guy who wants to be our driver or something.

Hold that up for a second. Yeah, it does... It has a stamp on the side that's not stamped, like postmark stamped. Yeah, that's... It looks like it got just chucked in my mailbox. Someone from Glasgow, they say that they want to do... Glasgow, Maryland? No, Glasgow fucking... He read it.

Dave Rader, when we're going through mail and Rader's been here fucking beautifully fucking stacking our mail properly and he wants to read the fan mail, so I just chuck it to him. I enjoy it.

And then he gives me the beats. The Reader's Digest condensed version. Cliff's Notes. Raider's Notes. Something else. Yeah. Thanks for sending me mail. Anything else over there?

No, that's all I got. I just ripped out a bunch of things because there's so many cigarette ads. How come I enjoy smoking and you don't things because there's so many cigarette ads. How come I enjoy smoking and you don't? It's got to be my cigarette. Salem gives me great taste and enough fresh menthol to keep things interesting. You're giving away a free ad? Yeah, they still have it. The Terryton people are not going to be happy.

I didn't finish it. It was a teaser. That was a trailer for an upcoming ad. By the way, you know Tarrington's still available? Is it? You can only buy it online, but it is still made by the RGR Reynolds Tobacco Company. You can buy cigarettes online?

What are these kids doing? That's why all these kids are starting to smoke. No, now they can't so they don't. They only wanted it when they couldn't buy it online. Let's do Sam Talent's plug. Oh, yeah, and we have Let's do Sam Talent's plug. Oh, yeah. And we have to do... Sam Talent has a new special out,

you know, running the light. October 2nd, it'll be out. Oh, shit. It's not out yet? Yeah, that's why we're going to do a podcast with him coming up. But I'll put the trailer at the end of this. I thought just doing this plug

would get us out of that podcast. All right. I'm kidding. He's doing a set at one of the Philly shows. I guess he's opening for Kyle Knane. But he's doing

your show. I got the date here. Hannigan, didn't I send that to you to confirm it? No. I believe you'd been drinking. Fucking Michael Bean. Yeah, I was going to say the Beanster. Yeah, Michael Bean. October 19th is a Tuesday in Philly.

Yeah. Sam's going to be opening for you. Yeah, and then he goes on to see. I'm getting back to it. Then he goes on to open for Kyle Kinane also in Philly. So, yeah, fucking see both. So we're asking Brandon to come in through the Monday and the Wednesday. No, no, he's doing a set.

He's just there anyway. He's all right. Yeah. And Mace Galoney is supposed to be there. Oh. A lot going on. But he's not sure if he can get into the country. Yeah.

Whoever shows up will fucking figure it out. I mean, we just had fucking four white males on the bill in Chicago. When I booked Crip Daddy and then Adam Gilbert and Junior, I already had the opening line. I was like, yep, another typical comedy lineup. Four white males. I'm Crip Daddy. So Sam Talent's YouTube release, I think it's IMDB,

but it's Sam Talent Waiting for Death to Claim Us. And I'll put the audio at the end of this so you can hear the trailer. And Shane Gillis has a special he just put out for fucking free. Yeah, I'm going to watch that while editing this. I'm not, I can't watch. Like, I want to go back to COVID so bad where I watched all those comics. And now that I'm, I'm more afraid of, like, I used to be afraid of, oh, if I watch a comedian,

I'm going to soak that into my gray matter. And six months from now, I'm going to go, is this my idea or did I see that? And that's why at the beginning of COVID, I watched a bunch of specials going, I'm not going to fucking work for the rest of my life. We'll all be dead. Zombie apocalypse. And Shane, I said, yeah, I can't wait for the next fucking pandemic so I can watch your special

but no I'm more afraid of someone doing something that I'm doing I get a set now but if someone else is doing the same shit and it's highly likely I'm like fuck I can't do that now Julie Seabaw oh yeah Fuck. I can't do that now.

Julie Seabot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we had to blow her off at the beginning of this tour. Hey, can I get on and promote my thing that you're in? My documentary? No. No. But it seems to be very well received. I mean, it's been.

What's it called? Too Soon. The Comedy of to be very well received. I mean, it's been- What's it called? Too Soon, the comedy of 9-11. Yeah, I guess we should have promoted this before the anniversary. No, but it's on- But it's still- You can watch it on Vice now for free. You can watch it on YouTube for free. So that's what's good, isn't it?

It's a pretty solid for free thing. Any money in that? It's a pretty solid for free thing. Any money in that? It's comedians talking about the difficulty in doing stand-up comedy after 9-11. Right? Basically. I'm confusing that.

I'm not sure that's how I'd have pitched it. No, I just realized. Hang on, Brian. I just realized I'm confusing that with a Vulture article I read on the anniversary of 9-11 37 comics talk about how difficult it was

I'm like you didn't fucking call me like I don't usually get cunty like that like I know I'm irrelevant but I put out a fucking comedy album 30 days after that I recorded it I was immediately fucking fuck the whole 9-11 thing and then fucking comedy album 30 days after that i recorded it i was immediately fucking

fuck the whole 9-11 thing and then fortunately as i was reading it alonzo boden dropped my name he's like yeah then i ran into doug stanhope at the airport when we could first fly he goes you didn't realize that comedians are the only people flying now, so I get a name drop. Thank you Alonzo Bowden. So it's available on YouTube Comedy After 9-11 and Vice has it available on YouTube. So check that out. And the New York Times

described it as surprisingly uplifting. Well, yeah. You're surprised that comics can make your fucking boring life better? Yeah. I must admit that there was a thing that happened. I had tried to make a bargain with myself about, it was literally, I don't know, in the six months or so leading up, no, the two months leading up to what turned out to be the COVID pandemic.

And it was like, okay, Brian, you're spending too much time on negative internet, something you've been talking about with Twitter and everything. I said, I'll make a deal with you. You get to have the New York Times delivered in hard form if you don't use any other form of news gathering. Cause there's something inherently enjoyable about sitting with a

newspaper with a coffee and reading the news. And then... Of us men of a certain age. Yeah. Absolutely. And then at some point there was a thing where the New York

Times arts pages could not be more fucking annoying if they fucking tried to be. Not only are they that annoying, the local

paper here, not the Observer with the police beat, but the semi-daily, sierra vista bisbee one they would take something from the new york times art page and put it in a sierra vista sierra vista is our closest box store town that's where if you wanted to pawn something or go to target you would go there if you wanted a carl's jr and you want to drive 60 miles Target, you would go there. If you wanted a Carl's Jr. and you want to drive 60 miles round trip, you would go there. It's a military town.

And they would have some back page thing about something from the New York Times ballet that they, like, what? And I would fucking call them up. Why the fuck is this relevant at all to a fucking military fucking rent-to to own black lacquer furniture fucking town that you're putting this in my paper? Like, that's my biggest peeve with the New York Times. But it's, yeah, the New York Times Sunday paper.

I did that during COVID. And that's how we got into crossword puzzles. But the art section, ugh, it's just dripping with pretension. Yeah, and it's annoying because there's actually a really good guy. I'm not, you know,

sucking up. There's a really good guy that works there, Jason Zinneman, who's done stuff on you. And he seems pretty well attuned to what the great things are in comedy. He's not written about me lately, I guarantee. No, but here's the thing. It's this thing, which is when you know how things work inside journalism, you understand that what people pitch to their editors

and what the editors say yes to are two entirely different things. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I'm pretty sure someone like him and other people who we know are pitching articles that are like, this is what's happening. This is interesting.

This is great. What's going on in stand-up comedy just now? And the editors are like, ah, nah. They don't know anything about stand-up comedy, but they know that they think they know enough to make a judgment

on an art form about which they actually know nothing. Whereas, if it was the opera critic coming to them, they would defer to the opera critic. They'd say, well, if you're telling me that's the most important thing in opera right now,

yeah, that's what we're going to go with. I would tell you that the news source that has made me the most, okay, there is unbiased news, but I also think that's probably where I'm going to divine a lot of my material is based on this. And it's also like the airport thing that they go, hey, you can invite up to five friends. And I'm like, well, that's the last thing.

Oh, Chaley just spilled his whole beer across his keyboard and his phone. He was panicking. I hate clear, that's why. The point is, why would you invite more people? Hey, this is a very exclusive party that you will enjoy only because there's so few people here. Invite all your friends and promote it. Like, I don't think I would take, if we got sponsorship from them,

I would go, no, no. It's almost like we go, I want to talk shit about this on Yelp or whatever review system and say it doesn't work just because it works so perfectly. That whole best kept secret fucking gimmick on advertising. No. I don't want you to read the thing

where I'm reading and that's I could tell you doing my bits that I'm getting out of this. Yeah. It's like Andy Andrist. I'm not watching CNN with you or whatever with you because you're going to do the bit before me. It's funny because I could tell you even now from like again it's just i don't know what the point of the bit is or

would be but there are certain favorite things i have in vegas now that i've moved there i am not telling fucking anyone about them yeah you. You know why? Because I, exactly that reason. Yeah. And frankly, I'd rather the business went under and I was able to enjoy it for its fucking short, moth-like existence.

This is literally the hill I'm going to die on. Yeah. Alone. Exactly. At least I could say I was there. But yeah, I don't want to be fucking rubbing elbows with the hoi polloi uh in in my favorite establishment shady dell and bisbee like

it thrived through the summer where it used to be closed every we go hey let's just ditch out of here and do a fucking staycation over at the shadyady Dell. Oh, where they're booked up for the weekend in July? They're booked up for the weekend in July? Well, yeah, you kind of promote the fucking place all the time. There you go. That's one of your funniest on-the-road jokes.

That hotel struck plot powers in Idaho Falls when we looked out the back we look we looked at the easily jimmied fucking sliding doors of our room and saw a bunch of locals lying there and you said they're probably here on a staycation it's been a fucking fun ride. I hope you guys come out. Please spread the word because I, this is the most, I fucking,

I had to do Artie Lang's podcast yesterday and I felt so bad because I had just come back and I went to bed early, like eight, 9 PM on a Seroquel, which I know that's a staycation. You're going to stay here thinking, I have to piss and eat because I did

an edible on a Seroquel. I'm like, oh, I'm imagining all this food. I'm imagining getting up to piss. I did have to get up to piss and I was just doing this wobbly fucking eyes closed. And then I would usually wake up at 8 or 9 a.m.

I had an 11 a.m. with Artie Lang for his podcast. But I and Hannigan, you agreed with me. I'm like, Norm MacDonald was like his best friend, and he just died yesterday. He's going to cancel this. Yeah, we went to bed the previous night, assuming that when I got up in the morning, I'd have got an email from someone saying, hey, the Artie thing isn't going to happen.

Because you already got an email saying, hey, Artie, yeah, we're scheduled for this day but it might not happen and i understand that completely i want to be arty lang like but if i'm the underling to arty lang we can't both be the fuck up so i have to show up so you woke me up with nine minutes yeah and i'm still i had sent you a text and called you. Well, by the way, but yes, I actually came and physically woke you up because I was like, okay, now I've got no such message. I'm picking gunk out of my eyelashes that are sticking my eyelids together from underneath.

At that point, what, 14 hours of sleep? You had a good sleep. And I'm still in my dreams that were fucking lucid as fuck. All right. Hey, get me a Bailey's whiskey coffee as we're going on. He goes, did you hear that? Artie's going, hear that drink order? What's it like 10 a.m. out there?

He just ordered a fucking whiskey and fucking coffee. It's a grocery. I know. I was completely thinking I was going to go back to bed. It's not much more than a hearty bowl of oatmeal. It's Doug's tang. And he kept asking me, so how are you

feeling though? How's your health? I'm fine. I just took a fucking Seroquel. It was the worst possible condition to be in for a sober Artie Lang. And that podcast ended at 30 minutes. Oh, boy. And I don't know if that's how long his podcast go or if I was that boring. Because I really couldn't come up.

No, you left. You and Raider left to give me privacy. I'm like, no, I like an audience. I want to fucking play off of somebody. So I don't know if that even aired or if I was just too sluggish for. Raiders left again. Oh, there he is. Hey, were you ever off checking out an Airbnb you did like?

Hey, hey, Hennigan. I don't know if it's because I said clit nose, but... Oh, not to Artie. I did Pete Holmes' podcast. Oh, I saw the same tweet. What? Oh, sorry. I tweeted it? No, somebody tweeted

saying, what happened to... They implied that Pete Holmes hasn't put it out. Yeah, I don't know i i i looked for it after like a month and uh somebody okay okay let me find it yeah i'll tell you because i i i said uh yeah you you brought me up in your special where you're talking to the clit nose girl of your girlfriend about how you blew her off for Doug Stanhope or something like that.

And he's like, well, what do you mean? Clint knows. And I go, it's just a thing I say, but then it was, I was just,

I felt actually authentic and not trying. I was just like perfectly, maybe morning buzzed or afternoon buzzed. And I gave him a bit of shit about not a bit of shit, but like about his character being a nebbishy kind of. And then he's like, at the end, I remember saying, hey, wait, call me back after this. And he DM to me or whatever. No, that was kind of weird and kooky. And but I guess it never

fucking aired. You guys were all chummy. I remember walking in on that because we had something else we were going to do. There was something Everybody walked through that. That's right. We kept talking about people and they keep showing up or something. I can't find it because it was

before Tim Dillon retweeted you, and therefore it's lost in the Red Sea of fucking horror. Anyway, yeah, it was basically somebody saying, Hey, Pete, I'm disappointed that you seem to have either evergreened or shelved the Doug Stanhope podcast. Yeah, I don't know. If it doesn't suit his bill, I don't know. I don't really know Pete Holmes, but I like Pete Holmes.

We all like Pete Holmes. How can you not? Yeah. That's why you should be an ancillary character to someone you hate. I don't get that. What are you? Yeah. Well, I want to play your neighbor on your sitcom oh you're right yeah yeah yeah

brian ben ben no one remembers that fucking showtime thing and i'm like i don't like fucking even louis ck where he would do that oh i'm just a fumbling guy on his louis show like you're not you not. You're a famous you're playing yourself but you can't always be like oh I'm just a little awkward about this. Awkward should be the sidekick.

Yeah that's interesting. That's interesting because if you were to reflect upon it Seinfeld, his character is pretty true to him. He doesn't his character, is pretty true to him. His character is him. Yeah, well, I don't know Louis that much to say

that that's not who he is on a regular basis, but you can't just stick to that trope when you're a fucking huge comedian and every comic adores you. Yeah, because then you just become that terrible, you know,

kind of booked female comedian who opens up saying, I don't have a boyfriend. Oh, yeah. That's always. Well, I guess the, well, I don't want to delve down that hole, but no, just attractive male comedians because you don't have to delve down that hole. But no, just attractive male comedians. Because you don't have to be an attractive male comedian to get laid on the road.

So, yeah. I can't get pussy. Well, is this an open mic? Because even a middle act can get pussy in Tuscaloosa. All right. What's happening with the ancillary? What's going on? Are you shirting each other?

No, I spilled the last beer. Oh. We were trying to figure it out. Wait, the last beer? Like, you're out of beer? I'm out of beer. So you're hosing it out of the fucking... Well, it was Modelo.

It was the last Modelo. Wait, there's no more Modelos down there? You are the last. All right. Lonely Modelo. Wait, there's no more Modelo's down there? You are the last. Lonely Modelo. Yeah, there's no ice in that cooler. Oh, yeah. We've not heard from Jonathan. There's no more cold beer.

That's what I meant to say. I steal ice from Safeway. That was a poltergeist. Let's wrap it up before you really start saying stuff. Wrap it up for the common good. Let's us embrace the neighborhood. Thought you were going to say the common people.

Hey, Bingo, would you please, as you're coming on the road, finally, Bingo's coming on the road to Portland where she will lay in bed and not come to the shows probably. I said, she's like, I was supposed to pack today and I don't have much time to pack. I go, just pack a onesie. What am I doing? Brendan Walsh? No, no.

That's right. That was weird. See, Brendan Walsh. Brendan Walsh is so fucking amazing on stage. It's a new level of comedy. If you see the B-man on stage doing basically his podcast mixed

with his act, it's fucking amazing. Alright, World Record Podcast. Yes, World Record Podcast. Bingo, take us out of here. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្� Thank you.